Solving the Worry Puzzle

Norma Campbell, Mountain View SchoolDale Carey, Mapleshade School

Trey Cushman, Meadow Brook SchoolBetsy Sheehan, Meadow Brook School

Anxiety: What it isO Biological Explanation: (image from brainfacts.org )

Anxiety: What It Is

Diagram from: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YjaOv9m1SiY/TeLmRFdVaUI/AAAAAAAAALw/xQCezhKwtJQ/s1600/stress.jpg

Anxiety: What it isO #1 Mental Health concern in the U.S.O 1 in 5 children have a diagnosable

anxiety disorderO Most frequent reason parents bring

children to mental health providers.O Untreated anxiety is the leading

predictor of depression in teens and adults.

There is Hope!O Worry and Anxiety can and should be

addressed.O Our brains can learn new ways of operating

and coping. We can retrain our Amygdala!!!O Anxiety seeks comfort and certainty. The

more that these are offered, the more that it grows. Instead, we will focus on skills to teach our children, and coaching skills for caretakers to help children learn to manage their anxious feelings and expand their living experience.

The “Attitudinal Shift”O “Don’t define your life through

anxiety, confront it and figure it out.” – Lynn Lyons

Worry does NOT define you. Talk to your worry-parents model how

to.

Common Language: We work together at a team.

Externalizing Anxiety and Worry

O Talk to your worryO Parents model how to:

O Good Modeling “My worry bug kept telling me I have to start working on my presentation”

O Bad Modeling “My Worry bug kept wondering if Grandma was going to survive during heart surgery” (Sharing an adult-only Worry)

Different Ways Kids Can Talk To

Their Worries

Expect It

Take Care of It

Boss It Around

The ShiftO Kids Take Charge- They talk more,

you talk lessO -Switching Roles from explainer, fixer

to coach and supporter

Coaching Your Child

Without Reassuring Worry

-Remain Consistent and Calm

-Acknowledge worry and how uncomfortable it feels

-Be clear that you are no longer going to give worry what it wants or fall for its

tricks

-Remind your child to externalize worry and talk

back to it

Content Process

O Content doesn’t matter much.

O Content changesO Focuses on fixing

specific problemsO ReassuranceO Preparing for specific

details of situations

O Equips children with skills to address the process of worrying rather than the certain instances that worry creeps in.

Beware the Content Trap!

Event Reassurance

Content Trap

Externalize

Every morning, child worries about vomiting at school

“You won’t vomit at school today. You look fine to me. You’re not sick.”

“If you feel sick, go to the nurse. It’s not a big deal to vomit. Why do you think you’re going to vomit every day?”

“That sounds like worry talking. What would you say back?”

Parent Feedback

“When he starts to verbalize wanting to avoid a fun activity, we try to remind him that we can't give "worry" the power to change our plans. We remind him about being in charge.”-Meadow Brook Parent

Push Back- Expect Resistance

O -Ease in, with your child, come up with phrases you will use

O - acknowledge worry, model, fighting worry together

O Make a plan and follow it through, knowing that the hardest moments are the ones that are the most important to see it through,,

Plant the Seeds

O Take opportunities to talk to your child about times you see other people allowing worry to control them. Even more importantly, give examples of when others, including yourself, describe being scared, nervous or unsure yet still succeeding.

Strategies to Address Worry

O The “Puzzle Pieces” – Lynn Lyons & Reid Wilson

O http://www.playingwithanxiety.com/images/puzzle_downloadable.pdf

Seven Puzzle Pieces

Each piece teaches a skill to help parents and their kids shift their reactions to anxious thoughts, sensations and beliefs.

From: Anxious Kids/Anxious Parents

Lynn Lyons and Reid Wilson

Puzzle Piece ONEEXPECT TO WORRY

O Stop acting surprised by each new occurrence of worry

O Learn when to ignore those normal, expected worry thoughts and move on with life – and when to pay attention to them

O Inventory those repeated situations when worry always appears

Expect to Worry

Parent Feedback:-A very helpful tip that I took from book "Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents", was to expect the worry. Don't be surprised when it happens, and also to remind (my child) of its predictable occurrences. We often remind (my child) how strong and brave he is, as well as how proud we are of him. I often tell him he's a "rock star":)!!! - Meadow Brook Parent

Expect to Worry

Whenever:

O You're doing something new or different

O You're unsure about plansO You have a lot of "what if" questionsO You have to performO Something scary is happening 

Puzzle Piece #2TALK TO YOUR WORRY

O Don't try to avoid or eliminate it 

O Externalize it and give it life and character O Personify it with color, shape, and sound O Let it know with your words that YOU are in

charge Worry says, "Blah, Blah, Blah...and you can't handle it"

Different Ways Kids Can Talk to Worry

EXPECT ITO "I know you're just trying to help..."O “You usually show up at these times so I am not surprised by

you..." 

TAKE CARE OF ITO "I'm going to be feeling a little nervous and then it'll be over..."O "I'm safe, even though I feel scared..."O "I've felt this before and have gotten through it..." 

BOSS IT AROUNDO "Not now, worry, but I'll get back to you on that..."O "You're not helping me, so I am going to ignore you..."O "Knock it off! Stop trying to scare me!"O "We are NOT a good team, worry."O "I will NOT play this game with you."O "I'm taking charge now, worry, and I am not going to listen to you

anymore."O "You're being very clever, worry, but I'm not falling for your tricks."O "Stop trying to confuse me, worry – I can handle this."

Talk to Your Worry

Kids can: Draw their worry, write to it, role play with you about it, play with toys that represent their worry.

Picture of “Worry” from a Grade 1 student.

Puzzle Piece #3BE UNSURE AND

UNCOMFORTABLEON PURPOSE

O Parents provide the critical support role for children to meet with success. It's quicker and easier to provide comfort and reassurance, but DON'T! This is the experiential step where kids will actually learn that they can be flexible and that they are capable of managing their emotions.

Instead, Caregivers should:

O Cue child to externalize worry and talk to itO When child wants reassurance, remind him

to give himself the reassurance he wants.O Ask. "How might you answer that?" or

"That sounds like worry talking...what can you say back?"

O Come up with creative 'assignments' that help put the child in situations that provoke worry – and then help monitor progress with him

New Messages to Practice

O "I'm willing to feel uncomfortable."O "I'm willing to feel unsure and to not

know what might happen."O "I can relate TO my worry instead of

FROM it."O "I'm willing to grab onto my courage

and do it!"  

Puzzle Piece #4BREATHE

O Teach kids how to calm their body, to reset their body and mind for managing worry in the moment

O Help kids understand that the physical symptoms (headache, stomach ache, jitters) are caused BY the worry and anxious thoughts

O Explore relationship with kids between their thoughts and their body's reactions

CALMING BREATH EXERCISE

O 1. Breathe out all the wayO 2. Take a deep breath in, counting to 5,

letting your belly expand first, and then your chest

O 3. Slowly exhale, saying 'calm' or 'relax' to yourself

O 4. Let your muscles go limp and warm, loosen your face and jaw muscles

O 5. Remain in this resting position for a few more seconds, with an empty mind

O 6. Repeat 3 or 4 times until tension loosens

Puzzle Piece #5Reminder Bridges

O Anxious children suffer from amnesiaO In order for children to generate

reminder bridges, they must use their worries as a trigger to remember past skills

O Worry for a moment, then immediately bridge to my success and move on

O Learn from new experiences and create a pattern of remembering

Examples of Reminder Bridges

I really want to……

That reminds me of how….

That reminds me how I can handle……..

Go to that summer camp for a week.

I started sleeping over at Seth’s house.

Being uncomfortable at first.

Jump off the high diving board.

I learned last summer to dive off the edge of the pool.

Feeling scared the first time I try something.

Try out for the school musical.

I got cut from the soccer team the first year, but made it the next year.

Not knowing if I’ll make it, and even getting cut, too, if that happens.

Raise my hand and answer questions in class.

I answered everybody's questions about my project at the science fair.

Feeling nervous and doing it anyway.

Practicing Perfection

OAnxious children often move away from risks because they cannot tolerate frustration and mistakes

OPast errors are necessary building blocks to learning

Puzzle Piece # 6Make A Plan

The Game Plan1. What is your goal?________________________2. Do you really want this goal? No, it’s not that important to me Yes. I want it, but I’m not sure I can get there3. What skills do you need to reach your goal? ________ _________________________________________4. What do you already know how to do, that might

help you reach this goal? _________________________________________

5. What do you want to say to yourself when you start to

worry? __________________________________________

6. Are you willing to not know exactly how things will turn out? No! I HAVE to know, or I don’t want to do it! Yes. I might not like it, but I’ll use my courage.7. Are you willing to feel physically uncomfortable along the way? No! I HAVE to be calm or I won’t do it! Yes. I might not like it, but I’ll use my courage. 8. What can you do to practice your skills? _____________________________________________ _____________________________________________

A Really Clever Guide to Winning Over Worries

O Know what you want to accomplishO Remember past successes that can help

youO Expect worry to show upO Talk to your worries so they can’t run the

showO Make a plan and step into that new situationO Be willing to feel unsure and uncomfortable

along the wayO Let your breathing skills support you

Parent Reminders:

If you rescue a child earlier in the cycle, the child learns: - the greater the distress, the more responsive parents are - extra attention = fears are justified

When adults are overprotective: - allow the child to avoid fearful contexts - child loses natural opportunities to break the vicious cycle of anxiety - child fails to learn productive coping strategies & self-reliance

Parents Who Experience Their Own Anxiety (especially about their child’s anxiety)

O Have a difficult time with ignoringO Anxious parents don’t want children to feel

what they feel, so they teach avoidance

Task: model calm postures- Fearful facial expressions and body

language reinforce anxiety- Parents can think whatever they

want, but should try to show confidence in the child through coping postures

Quick Notes About The Non-Anxious Parent

O Are an important role model

O Often marginalized if the other parent experiences their own anxiety

The Parents’ Job(s)O Normalize anxiety

O Create some distance

O Stay calm

O Create worry parts

O Externalize

O Support uncertainty

O Acknowledge discomfort

O Stay out of content

O Be consistent and light

O Model, model, model

School Refusal

Avoidance &/or positive reinforcement received for staying home

Reduce anxiety

Become powerful motivating conditions for a child to continue to refuse to go to

school

The Importance of Experiential Learning

O Talking (alone) does not change neural pathways

O Need experience to impact the brain’s alarm system

O Experiential learning is more memorable, and is needed to create powerful reference experiences

O More work and creativity is required, but engagement is greater and progress much quicker

Creating AutonomyO Problem solving

- Amygdala to Frontal Cortex (alarm system to thinking part)

- Accessing resources and building bridges

O Internal Reassurance/Self Talk- How do you talk to yourself?- How do your words make the problem bigger or

more manageable?

O Decision Making- There are different types of decisions- You will make some good ones and some bad ones- Making decisions and tolerating uncertainty are pals

Psychological Autonomy

Normal movement toward physical & psychological independence

Parents shift from overprotecting to

promoting competency = decrease in childhood anxiety

Psychological Autonomy

O Encourage child to think independentlyO Teach them how to talk themselves through

their fears, not talk them out of their fearsO Don’t remove hurdle, teach them to jump over

itO Focus on problem solving and negotiation of

conflictO Begin to think for themselves, make their own

mistakes, and gain confidence in their ability to access what they’ve mastered so far

O “I can handle this” attitude

Video SummaryO http

://katiecouric.com/videos/is-anxiety-ruining-your-family/ (5:05)

The Home, School & Community Connection

What were the most useful strategies?O “Making a plan and sticking to it! We feel

like we're pretty good with consistency, but felt a little lost on what the correct approach was? With guidance from you and Dr. Rob, we felt like we were moving forward with the best possible approach for (our student).

O We also felt very comfortable with you, keeping an open line of communication on the school front.

Resources for FamiliesO www. http://www.playingwithanxiety.com/O http://www.lynnlyonsnh.com/O http://

www.youtube.com/user/ReidWilsonPhDWilson, R. & Lyons, L. (2013). Anxious Parents Anxious

Kids: 7 Ways to Stop the Worry Cycle and Raise Courageous and Independent Children. Dearfoot Beach, FL: Heal Communications, Inc

ReferencesLyons, L. (2013). Notes from Conference: Anxious Kids, Anxious Families.

Northampton, MASociety for Neuroscience. (2013). {Diagram of Brain November 22, 2013}.

Retrieved from www.brainfacts.orgWilson, R. & Lyons, L. (2013). Anxious Parents Anxious Kids: 7

Ways to Stop the Worry Cycle and Raise Courageous and Independent Children. Dearfoot Beach, FL: Heal Communications, Inc.

.(Diagram of Anatomy of Stress November 22, 2013) Retrieved from http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YjaOv9m1SiY/TeLmRFdVaUI/AAAAAAAAALw/xQCezhKwtJQ/s1600/stress.jpg

Questions and Answers

Thank you!