snakepit for brains
TRANSCRIPT
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Snakepit-For-Brains
By
Jesse Alvarez
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Did you know that cars are way bigger and stronger than
bikes and it's pretty dangerous to ride a bike in traffic? Seriously,
be careful out there guys. It's dangerous. It's like a 4th gradertrying to eat lunch with the 8th graders.
But seriously folks, here are some things you should dream about:
1. Being given a spoon and a bottle of chocolate syrup and having
to eat your way out of a Maximum Security Ice Cream prison.2. Your shadow whispering in your ear how weird it feels when
you stand outside in the heavy snow
3. Skydiving from a plane that is sitting dormant in a hangar
Whatever the next number is. Pills that make you better
We'll get back to that later. But in the meantime how aboutthis update from our weatherman Phillip J. Carmichael. Phil?
Thanks Kent. Looks like we've got a 90% Chance of
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Despair
AND
ANGUISH Kent?
Thanks Phil. Now allow me to read off all of the nasty ways in
which people in the area were killed. Alright here we go
Scott Pellegrino died tonight after his bedroom window committed
suicide(Blew Itself To Smithereens) from Blind Covered loneliness,and he caught shards of glass in the neck.
Frank Harrison passed on after crying so much that he drowned in
tears
Sarah Maddox was making her hubby din din went the chickenmagically jumped up, held her down, chopped her head off, then
stuffed her with breadcrumbs
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Tasha Preston found a wood box with some crazy ass markings on
it and of course tried to open that shit up. LOL don't you know not
to fuck with that Tasha? Cmon now. Course she got fucked up by
demons and all that shit. Duh.
Sylvester Quick died from having too cool a name
Drake Webster was walking home from work(can't afford car
payments) tonight and was coaxed into a cemetery by a frantic
man. Apprehensive at first, he declined. But after some fairly
pathetic pleading by the man for nondescript "Help" he finallydecided to follow the man in. Right by a grave stone, Drake
encountered a woman laid on her back, legs up in the air,
screaming her head off in pain. He realized, "wow, this woman's
giving birth!" Now Drake, a lowly cashier at a clothing store, had
only knowledge of delivering babies that he'd seen on television
programs and the like. So he didn't quite know exactly how he
could be of any service. But the man insisted that Drake was the
first person he'd seen pass by in the last hour or so and may havebeen the couple's only hope. So Drake just tried to keep the
woman calm, assure her everything would be alright, even if he
didn't really believe so himself. But he thought, "reassuring her
couldn't hurt, I mean for fuck's sake already, the lady's havin' a
baby in a damn deserted cemetery, at night! Wait a second. Why
are they in this cemetery if the woman is close to delivering" But
as soon as he'd contemplated the oddness of that situation, the
man said "He's crowning! He's crowning!" and Drake said "Well, Iguess it's time for you to push". So the woman pushed a few good
times, and after about 5 minutes of pushing, she had delivered a
beautiful baby boy. Now, since this BIRTH, took place in a
CEMETERY, God's wires got a little crossed up, and thought
someone had to die. Why? We'll never know I suppose. He moves
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in Mysterious Ways. But just about the moment the baby's cries
became fully audible, Drake felt a sharp pain in his chest, and fell
to the ground. The last thing he saw was the clear night sky, and
a tall headstone looming over him as he faded to blackness.
Dan Campbell choked on a double cheeseburger.
Alright that does it for us here on the News. Have a good night
folks. Sleep tight!
I haven't turned on my master bedroom bathroom faucet in
probably a month. If I did, it would instantly clog from hair in the
sink being washed down the drain. This is a little embarrassing.
You can tell me something embarrassing about yourself now, if
you wish. Go ahead, say it to the screen. I can see you. Don'tworry if you're naked, I'm not aroused. I'm asexual, so it's aight. I
respect your need to feel free.
No wait, don't get all offended. If you disparage me my
mother will send you a strongly worded .wav file. It will probably
just be the Jay-Z song "Public Service Announcement". I dunno,
she just loves that song. She's a cool mom. I love her. Maybe that
will make you love me again.
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ONE TIMESHE GOT ME
ACHRISTMAS
GIFT. IT WAS
AN iPADIt was not very comfortable to sit on at the ballgame. Also it
broke. I didn't know I was supposed to enjoy surfing the net and
having all the amenities of a laptop computer at my fingertips.
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Whoops. Probably shoulda called it something else than iPad.
Gives people like me the wrong idea.
The next year I got TWO lumps of coal in my stocking. The one Iasked for from my dad(he left when I was a young boy) and then
one from Santa for being a bad boy and asking deadbeat dad for
a Christmas Gift. Hahaha tricked you Idiot Santa, I need coal to
heat my house ya dinkus. Kiss off Fatman.
Which brings me to my next topic: LOVE
Now I'm not gonna say I love anybody, but I do.
I love a lot of people. Well, not A LOT a lot. But you are pretty
cool.
You probably wouldn't love me no matter what but ESPECIALLY
If you knew how much I smelled my own hands.
I mean I don't do it in the same way that SNL character does.
I don't put em in my armpits first. But I just smell em sometimes.
Why am I telling you this?
Why do I tell you anything really.
Because you listen
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I'm alone. Even if there were a thousand people around me
while I write this, I'm all alone. Just reading this you should
understand what I mean. And maybe when you do that, I willbecome less alone. But it's also possible that "Alone" does not
have degrees to it, one either IS alone or ISN'T alone. I'm only
asking for one person. And no one can give that to me. It's not
that they don't WANT to give it to me. They CAN'T. And that's the
hardest thing to swallow. Harder than this razor blade. Harder
than a wall. Now I hope you won't go out and try to swallow a
wall. It's too hard guys. Just trust me.
Oh to live in a time when every thing on earth is edible.
Everyone's gotta eat. Everything natural is edible. You could eat
wood if you didn't have to worry about getting a splinter.
You could eat rocks if stupid God made your teeth a little bit
stronger. What the heck was he thinking? Also why'd he have to
make our waste smell bad? He shoulda made it smell like fresh
cut roses and then you wouldn't have to get mad at people who
don't know when to courtesy flush in a public bathroom.
You could eat Tree Frogs if they hadn't........evolved........a
uh..........poisonous defense against being eaten...........or
something. Anyway God grant me the serenity etc. etc. etc.
y'know what I'm sayin'?
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My mouth says some crazy things sometimes, but not nearly as
many crazy things as my brain thinks. Like this for instance:
If I could do things differently I
would've known where you were
my whole life and nothing bad
would've ever happened to me.
Or you, probably.
So there's that.
If any of you met me you'd know it was me by being the guy in
the t-shirt of a metalcore band that I don't even like singing Clipse
lyrics to myself as I sit alone at my kitchen table eating a Subway
sandwich. Also, why are you in my house and how did you get in
here?
But hey, let's watch some television. Let's have a look at
what's on the ol' idiot box huh? Flip that sucker on. Power that
sonofagun up. What's on Channel 2?
A SHOW ABOUT BEAUTIFUL SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE
What about Channel 4?
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A SHOW ABOUT BEAUTIFUL SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE
What about Channel 6?
A SHOW ABOUT BEAUTIFUL SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE
What about Channel 8?
SPORTS
What about Channel 11?
THE NEWS
Damn, already watched the News tonight. Nevermind. Let's watch
Netflix.
A television is like a window in a way except you can choose what
you want to look at. You can't change the channel on a violent TV
show inappropriate for children if you're looking out your window
at it.
Calm down for a moment and consider the following things:
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Elephant Ballet
Glass Ants
Magic Eye Walled Insane Asylum
Space Teens(Punks)
Door Made Of Dogs
Poker With Chips That Try To Run Away From The Table And Start
Chip Families
A Tattoo Of Hell
Bug Blanket
Break me in two. Eat one of my halves now and save the
other half for later. But please don't put me in the fridge. It's so
cold in there. Come to think of it it's gettin' a lil cold in here right
now
Everybody wants to be loved. So how is it that so many peopleare such terrible assholes? That's the question what baffles me.
I came home from work one night, at around 11 pm. As I
entered the door of my house, I immediately felt something was
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amiss. Something was out of place, I instantly could feel it. I walk
into the living room, and discover my sister passed out on the
floor. I freeze in fear. What the hell happened? Is she alive? Is she
dead? I can't tell. She stirs a bit, calming my nerves a little. I say
"What happened?". "I fell", she says, which squeezes a tiny bit of laughter out of me. From her slurred speech I can tell she's drunk
out of her mind. I go to help her up when I realize the sweatpants
she's wearing are down at her knees and she's laying in a position
where I can't pull them up. The carpet in the area she's laying is
stained, and it becomes quickly obvious that she has pissed
herself. So I have to lift her into a position in which I can pull her
pants back up, then lift her up to her feet and help her to bed.
This is all after having worked a 16 hour shift on very little sleep.So I help her to her feet, and walk with her, making sure she
balances well enough to make it to her bed. Once she's all tucked
in, I spend the next 30 minutes cleaning up the piss stain on the
living room carpet. Apparently she had drunk an entire bottle of
tequila that night. When I asked her why she was drinking so
much alone at home, she replied "Cinco De Mayo." IT WAS MAY
14TH AND WE'RE NOT EVEN MEXICAN. Actually, it wasn't my
sister that did this. It was my dad, whose right side was crippledby a massive stroke a few years earlier. I don't even have a sister.
the woman
on the tv
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looksbeautiful.
big surprisethere.
It would probably be lame of me to sing the lyrics to "My
Way" by Limp Bizkit but that's all that I can think to do at this
moment in time
Cuz this time I'ma let it all come out
This time I'ma stand up and shout
I'ma do things My Way
It's my way
My way or the highway
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I have never had the urge to hurt myself, but I know that
there are many people out there that have, and still do. I love you
all, and I wish you would not do that because it would be betterfor your long term health probably, but you'll never see me smack
the razorblade out of your hand. Because ultimately, it's your
choice. It will be better for you if YOU are the one to decide to
stop, if that's even something that you want to do.
The Buccaneers old Creamsicle jerseys
Made me want ice cream really bad
Too bad they were awful back then
I may have had a tastier childhood
Life and I are at an impasse
I don't know where to go next
And there are no Gas Stations around
To stop and ask for directions
This is my least favorite color
There is a hurricane between you and I
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And sadly there probably will never not be
It might make a pot of soup out of our heads
A tasty concoction for the homeless to fill their bellies with
Your power shot straight, waxing candled mountains wick
longer than a bride's train, carrying so much graffiti tag ripped
out and thrown in a trash can you hear me as I scream hawk
swooping in like windswept rain of kingdoms, armies of sword
swingers fucking the life out of each other drunk on spiked
tomato juice, keys piled on top of keys in a bedpan, flute like a
Heisman, critical mass murder suspect me guilty, consciousness. The Haddock fish scale of justice, blind leading the blinds drawn
to let in zero light blue sky scrapers, no scraping, ice off of your
windshield, spears and 300 Spartans, Phalanx formation of cloud
computing, mathematical face, adding and subtracting sour
expressions like toddlers in school, with numbers of Cheese
sandwiches that Ms. Wilson made for her son's soccer team, with
bacteria.
Rockin' a Parasol in a Whirlwind, contact my agent if you
want me to talk to the media, he knows what I would say. My dad
never told me I had to be a man when I grew up but I ended up
being one anyway. The way not illuminated with Halogen
Fluorescence, but with candlelight, so if I run too fast I could blow
them out and never find my way back.
It's morning in reality but night in my mind, My Owl-ish
qualities are not confined to good eyesight but also nocturnality.
Also, I've said "Who" before but it's mostly just whenever I look in
to the mirror.
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Don't talk to me about your fantasy
football team. Unless somethinglike, REALLY CRAZY happened in
your matchup.
Yo, my man's and dem
Was down dey at tha cona sto'
Muhfucka walk up in dey wit a gun, son
Rob they shit
All tha bruvva took
Was some GOTdamn Flamin' Hot Cheetos
They don't cost but 99 cents, mane.
Just buy dem shits.
You ain't got 99 cents?
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You're fuckin' A right I don't.
My mother was very poor
So poor life is all I know
My only skill is not saying the right thing
But at least I say it at the right time
The spice of life
Is not variety
It's to cuddle with someone you love
Even if it's only your friend
And not someone you want to kiss passionately
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ACQUIESCE WITHME
The starting lineup is as follows:
At Guard, a man in a suit, similar to a cop's!
At Guard, a hard plastic sheath, to protect soccer players' shins!
At Forward, how I am with my feelings, sometimes to a fault!
At Forward, Progress!
And at Center, The Sun!
Head Coach, No one. Game over, that's against the rules.
Dumbass.
When someone says "No one cares about (TOPIC X)" what
they really mean is "No one whose opinion I consider valid cares
about (TOPIC X), therefore I do not consider (TOPIC X) a valid
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topic to discuss". Don't let this manipulation of language fool you.
A LOT of people care about Nascar. A LOT.
Upheaval within the Demonic Hordes chasing you down as
you walk to the store in the middle of the night. A usually
uneventful trip but something tonight was different. Something
smelled different about the air. There was a certain......Redness to
it. You didn't know there were Demons chasing you. But their
leader has grown impatient with their demon skills. You don't
seem to be scared even though you feel weird. He requests they
step up their snarling and their haunting and their teeth gnashing
and sharpen their claws. But by the time they all get the
message, you're already back at home in your PJ's, eating your
Mallowmars. Oh well. Guess it's time to move on to another poor
wayward soul. Better luck next time.
I'm blind, Mr. Magoo. Abel only to see bits and pieces, only flashes
of brilliance, with no Cain to keep me in check.
Everything is unreliable
Because everything will stop working after a while
Unless you never use it
In which case what use is it to you?
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SHOW ME
YOUR TRUECOLORS
Tenderize my beef with forceful hugs, that pound my body into
smiling submission. Happy to get hurt by love, overflowing.
The Cup Runs Over Me And Drives Off. Hit And Run. No LicensePlate Number, No Registration. It's A Cup. What Are The Cops
Gonna Do? Probably Not Believe You.
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The Roof caves, in the mountains of molehills, do not wake
the Sleeping Giant's Causeway of Ever branching Paths, To Glory,
Of the coming of the Lord's Prayer, For Judgment, Day The EarthStood Still, Of the Night Of the Living Dead Man Walking The
Tightrope Between Friendship And Intimacy, Closed the Road to
Nowhere In Particular Place To Go West, Young Man, young
Cardinal Red Pope, A King in a Pointy Hat, flying on wings of glue
made from a non-flying animal, Kingdom of Hearts Desire, What's
lurking in my lungs, cold air keeps me alive and kicking the tires,
the Snow Chains rattling the caged bird sings. I used to know why
but I forgot. Distant Knowledge an unwelcome substitute teacher
for more current logic. Problems, I have them's the breaks the
chain of eventual death ray of sunshine state of play the game of
Life.
He thought he was a worm. Steeped horribly in irrationality,
and being a human, nobody but nobody could tell him he wasn't a
worm. He loved worms. He loved the saying "The Worm Has
Turned". He DIDN'T love the joke "What's worse than finding a
worm in your apple? Finding HALF a worm!" because it reminded
him that worms die. Everything dies. Perhaps he was trying to
suspend his humanity by trying to convince himself he wasn'thuman. Perhaps he saw the seemingly inherent evil in the human
condition and saw the lack of sentience within a worm, and
thought he could choose to be incognisant. Choose to put a shield
over his eyes. Forget what it was to be human, to be evil. To hate
things. To see awful things take place, powerless to stop. To say
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hurtful things in fits of rage to people you truly love, to lose
things. All worms can do is move. "That makes them the perfect
creatures", he thought, "because that means they can't fuck
things up with their emotions." Perfect sense in his mind. So he
smeared slime all over his body and went outside and rolled inthe dirt. And he put a blindfold over his eyes. And he put tape
over his mouth. And he had his voice box removed. And he
punctured his ear drums. And he slithered to school one day(Mom
MADE him go) to prove all the HUMANS wrong. Everyone was
screaming insults at him, but he couldn't hear. Everyone was
making rude gestures at him, but he couldn't see. All he could do
was move. All he could do, was move. And he felt perfect in that
moment. He felt like he had discovered the true essence of life. Just to move. To exist unaware of the surrounding earth and all its
treacherousness, in the form of speech, of sight, of hearing.
But, Worm Boy could still THINK. "What good a worm am I if I
can still think?" he thought, further infuriating him as he could not
get himself to stop thinking thoughts. HUMAN thoughts,
nonetheless, not even Worm thoughts. He tried so hard to think
"SOAK UP NUTRIENTS" or "WHAT'S THAT LIGHT PATTERN OVER
THERE" only, even as Unwormlike as those thoughts are, they
were still an improvement over "I wonder how weird I look" or
"How impressed is everyone with my dedication" or "What is
everyone saying about me, I wonder?" So one day he decided to
slither on over to the lobotomy shop and end this wretched prison
sentence of thought. See, the good thing about Lobotomy Shops
is you don't need to tell them what you want done, once you
enter, it is assumed(and I think by this time they'd just do one on
Worm Boy out of posterity after seeing his decrepit, awful state).
So Worm Boy saved up all the energy he could muster and
made the long slither trek to the Lobotomy Shop. He never
thought about how much it would cost, but once he rolled through
the door, the Brain Men didn't really think about that either. They
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just fired up the Brain Drill, and prepared to take his sentience,
for once and for all. Worm Boy didn't even know what hit him.
Ever again. He was gone, and became an it. They rolled him out
the door. He just lay there. He was dead. Less than a worm. A
nothing. A waste of temporal space. He never truly became whathe wanted to become, or what he thought he could be. All
because of his distaste. For the Human. Condition.
Strap me into a gurney and force me into Palliative Care
Even though I'm not dying
I just need someone to ease my pain
I need a nurse to feed me applesauce
And stroke my hair lovingly
Then at the end of the day I can get up and go home
My insurance probably covers this
But even if not
I will pay out of pocket for it
No matter the price
Even if it requires my dignity
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Towering Spruce Saplings
Looming large over Earth, staring down
At little ant humans waiting for the axe to enter
We are scared of shadows, that's why we must fell them
I'm using this color because the word "Spruce" reminds me of it,
ok
Walking on stairs made of dead felled trees, perfectly
mathematized, Stare
Free blood available in the Blood Drive Lobby Area, All you haveto do is.....
Steal it from under the noses of the vampires. They won't bite
hard really
Just enough to break skin. Bring a flashlight if they get too
rowdy, just
shine it straight in their eyes, they hate light uunderstand? Make
sure yr Aim is on point, you don't wanna miss this
important
light shot, dude. Don't be a bad light archer.
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Penalty
could be extremely severe, you know? Be careful
It’s that portion of the program where I tell you what to dream
about again!
Try these:
1. A gravel road that screams in agony every time you drive on
it
2. The Tree of Life falling in with the wrong crowd and
becoming the Tree of Death, dressing in all black, doing Tree
Drugs, rebelling against Tree Cops and its own Tree Parents
3. Driving in a Driveway and Parking in a Parkway
4. A Mouse catching YOU in a trap by putting a lil hunk of cheese in it(He’s seen the way you look at cheese while you
eat it. Your eyes smack of love)
5. Everyone Speaking Tangible Words In This Font
6. A Roulette Wheel that never stops spinning. The line of
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people betting on what it will stop on stretching all the way
from the Casino to Truth Or Consequences, New Mexico
7. Kissing the person you want to kiss(this might be the most
unlikely to happen of all of these)8. A Number of Such Great Magnitude, the very concept of it is
lost on you and everyone else, except Deities. A
Disembodied Voice booms, saying you can have anything
you want, any tangible thing, to amount to this impossibly
large numbers. You say, almost as a reflex “Potato Chips?”
You are instantly drowned in salt and fried potato crisps.
9. Me
I am shown a window. Of course, I make to look through it.
Outside, an otherwise nondescript Hispanic man in a hairnetlooks back at me, holding up a sharp, glimmering knife against
the beating Sun. A cow is shoved forth, bleating wildly,
probably cognizant of what is about to happen. The man
smiles, as he plunges the knife into the neck of the cow. There
is nothing sacred in this gruesome spectacle, there is nothing
beautiful, no poetry to be found in it. Blood is soaking
everything. The man, the grass, the knife, the Leathery skin of
the now long dead animal. Thought saturated in blood, the mancontinues to smile. He’s making a healthy living wage, and may
be able to put his young children through a respectable
American university if he plays his cards right. We can’t blame
him for this gruesome death. We can’t blame anyone, really.
Everyone’s just doing their job. Well, we could blame SOMEONE
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actually. Ourselves. A few yards from the slaughter, a young
mother of Indian descent stands, crying effusively, holding her
child. The Sacred animal has been lost, but perhaps the spirit
can be salvaged. As the cow parts are about to be shoved into
the Meat Grinder, the Indian woman cries out for the man tostop. In an unstoppably quick motion, she shoves her child into
the meat grinder, preserving the spirit of her Sacred Love, at a
great cost, but possibly at an even greater reward.
I suppose after all this, the thing I’m trying to say is simply this:
ONE
MAN’S
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TRASHIS
ANOTHER
MAN’S
TREASURE