single!Young Christian Woman

may/1OA P U B L I C AT I O N O F O N M Y O W N N O W M I N I S T R I E S

w w w. o n m y o w n n o w. c o m

Are your friendssucking the life

out of you?

marriage:why wait?

Not My Wedding!

jeansto a wedding?Seriously?

SINGLE! YOUNG CHRISTIAN WOMAN

⠃⠃⠃A publication of On My Own Ministrieswww.onmyownnow.com

Editor in chiefDonna Lee Schillingerwww.twitter.com/D_L_Schillinger

ContributorsDebra CollinsKimberly MillerKatlyn StephensTamara JaneKeiki Hendrix

On the cover: Moving Out... Settling In Columnist Kimberly Miller

Art DirectorDaniela Bermúdezwww.twitter.com/donamexa

STRAIGHT TALK FROM THE PROVERBS

ARE YOUR FRIENDS SUCKING THE LIFE OUT OF YOUBy Donna Lee Schillinger

MOVING OUT

NOT MY WEDDING!By Kimberly Miller

CENTER RING

WHY WAIT?!By John R. Buri, PhD.

REBA RAY’S DOWN HEALTHY COOKIN’ FOR ONE ON A BUDGET

BRIDAL SHOWER VITTLES FOR 25 ON JUST $50By Reba Ray

DEAR GABBY

IMPOVERISHED IN INDIANAPOLISBy Gabster

SPARE CHANGE

THE PERFECT WEDDING GIFT(IS THE ONE YOU CAN AFFORD)By Julie Ann

FASHION DIVINA

GOING TO THE CHAPEL...FOR SOMEONE’ ELSE’S WEDDINGBy Tamara Jane

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18.

Unconventionally conventional

wisdom.

On My Own Now: Straight talk from the

Proverbs for young Christian women who want to remain pure,

debt-free and regret-free.

Now available at www.onmyownnow.com,

at Amazon, B&N and a library near you.

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stra

ight t

alk ARE YOUR

FRIENDS SUCKING THE LIFE OUT

OF YOU?by donna lee schillinger

There are takers and givers. Which one are you? Takers? I’ve known a few. Some extreme, others subtle. In more than one case, it took me many years to fig-ure out that I was in a relationship (a friendship) with a taker. Takers can be interesting and fun people. They can invite you to their house and make you dinner. They can even listen to your problems (for a while). But when push comes to shove and you really need something from them – they are unavailable! When put to the test – they fail! If you’re a generous person, a giver, you’ll want to over-look that time when your taker friend wouldn’t help you or when she was absent when you needed her to be pres-ent. That’s fine. I’ve done that before and in retrospect, I say it’s fine, as long as you don’t suffer from delusions that she will be there for you the next time. You know that old saying, “A friend in need is a friend indeed,” well, the opposite is true too. “If a friend is conspicu-ously missing when you’re in need, that person is not friend – take heed.”About a decade ago, I met a woman named Lucy through work. She was witty and energetic, analytical and a lov-ing mother. We became friends.

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About two years into our friendship, Lucy started to have personal problems. Her boyfriend (who was half her age) dumped her for a woman his own age (go fig-ure). Lucy was devastated and desperate.Now, I’m sure you’ve had a girlfriend who was obsessed with the topic of her breakup, and maybe even you have been that person. When going through a breakup, it’s all a person thinks about. Most of us, however, have the good sense to try to change the subject every once in a while because, even in our wounded state, we can see what a burden we’re being to our friends. Not Lucy.Lucy poured out her feelings to me. She was the first and only friend that has ever literally cried on my shoulder. It was awkward – I didn’t know how to com-fort her, so I was just there for her for hours and days, in person and on the phone.Eventually she got through it and eventually, I moved away, but I visited her even from a few states away. The last time I visited Lucy, I was engaged to be mar-ried. She said she was coming to my wedding. I men-tioned that I was registered at such and such place and she said she wouldn’t dare stoop to buying a gift off the registry. She didn’t want to give a place setting or a blender – she was going to search for a unique gift that my future husband and I would appreciate for years to come. The way she described it, she put me in mind of an original painting or sculpture. In the months before my wedding, Lucy called and e-mailed many times, always reiterating her plans to come to my wedding. I asked Lucy if she would play a special role in my wedding and she agreed. A few weeks away from the big day, Lucy started mentioning the difficulties with the various transportation options she had. She finally settled on driving. Three days before my wedding, she called me and told me she was not going to be there – something about tires. This is the last thing a bride wants to hear and especially when the person was going to have a role in the wedding! I took it in stride while I was on the phone with her, but I was upset. On the day of my wedding, she called again. (By the way, why do people do that? Have you ever been franti-cally preparing for a party only to have the phone ring a dozen times – people who are coming to the party who just want to ask a “quick question”? A woman on her wedding day is a bundle of raw nerves and has a thou-sand things to do. And everyone wants a piece of her!

It’s nuts.) Anyway, I let the machine take Lucy’s call. She was wishing me well and said that she would send my gift. I’ve been married seven years now and I’m still waiting for that gift. I never even got a card! Some months later, Lucy called again. I wasn’t home; she left a message and that was the last I heard from her. Besides the occasional need for a babysitter, I’m not one that needs a lot or asks for much. So it took my wedding for me to find out who my real friends were. My time of need was one of the most special days of my life, a day I had often dreamed of, and wanted all my good friends to share. My wedding was awesome! But it also holds some sad memories as well – the re-alization that a few people I had called “friend” were not that at all. Lucy wasn’t the only person who let me down on that day. Another “friend,” Paul, called me the day before my wedding and bailed. He was driving in from six hours away and he was supposed to bring my teenage brothers with him. He knew that his decision not to attend would make it impossible for my brothers to be there. And yet he didn’t even apologize! Both Paul and Lucy really disappointed me that day. Over the weeks and months that followed, I reflected on the years of our relationships and the many con-versations into the wee morning hours with both, and realized I had been providing some sort of therapy for them. I had listened to their troubles, given advice, provided references and visited them. It hadn’t oc-curred to me before, but our relationships had been very lopsided. Both are really interesting people with good senses of humor and I suppose that is what kept me engaged in the relationships. But they were inca-pable of giving to me the one time I needed it. Not co-incidentally, Paul didn’t send even a card either, and all I ever heard from him again was also one message on the answering machine. While on the one hand, I found myself disappointed by some people I thought to be good friends, my wedding day also held pleasant surprises: gifts of time and effort from people from whom I hadn’t asked or expected it. Even as I was entering into a new phase of life, joining my life to that of another person, I was learning valu-able lessons about true friendship. It was a lot to pack in one day. I hope that as you develop friendships, you’ll occasion-ally “do the math” to assess if you’re in a lopsided rela-tionship with a taker. Takers may fill your social calen-dar well enough, but don’t plan your wedding around them. Hold this thought: You can give all you want to a “tak-er.” It will never be enough.

The leech has two daughters, “Give! Give!’ they cry.

Proverbs 30:15

The sluggard’s craving will be the death of her because her hands refuse to work. All day long she craves for more but the righteous give without sparing.

Proverbs 21:25-26

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movin

g ou

t ...

settl

ing

in

Not My Wedding!

by Kimberly Miller

When our editor informed us that the May is-sue of Single! was themed NOT my wedding, it struck me as a near impossible writing as-

signment! At time of writing, I am 37 days away from my wedding. At this wonderfully bizarre time in my life when I can hardly take my mind off of my wedding and new house, I have been charged with sharing what my wedding is not (although I’d really rather tell you about what it will be). Looking back, however, I realize I had to evaluate what my wedding wouldn’t be before I knew what it would be.

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The first thing I knew my wedding wouldn’t be was anywhere other than my home town. My brother had a beautiful wedding in a glass cha-pel in Eureka Springs, Ark., and both he and his bride were thrilled with it. The surrounds were undeniably beautiful, but planning and preparation were compli-cated by the fact that the happy couple lived in Dal-las and neither set of parents lived very near Eureka Springs. Fine for them, but I knew it wasn’t for me.

n

Along the same lines, I didn’t want a destination wedding. My single, solitary reason is this: You cannot expect all of your friends and family to attend a destination wedding. If I had enough money to pay for everyone I know to hop a jet and join me in Antigua, you’d better believe I would. To both my fiancé and me, having the people we love at our wedding is the top priority.

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I did not want my wedding to be a joke. I’ve been to weddings where the groom always seemed to be cracking jokes or cutting up with the groomsmen. It was a great show, but it was just that: a show. In my opinion, a wedding isn’t the appropriate place for theatrics. I think a wedding should be fun and have some moments of laughter, but it should also be rever-ent and sincere. It is, after all, a covenant before God. I take that seriously! My fiancé has an awesome sense of humor, and he makes me laugh every day. There’s always time for jokes on the honeymoon.

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As a matter of necessity as well as personal choice, I knew my wedding wouldn’t be terribly expensive. Although we have been extraordinarily blessed, we do not come from rich families. Although we have never lacked anything we needed, money is an object. I don’t care if the average cost of a wedding in this country is $20,000 (yes, it is). Not my wedding! We have a bud-get, and we’re sticking to it. And trust me—it’s way un-der $20,000.

n

Finally, my wedding would not be cheap.

Not terribly expensive, but not cheap either. It’s worth it to spend a little extra on the de-tails that matter. Each person will balance that differently, but I chose real flowers and the dress that made me cry. A friend of mine is

using plastic table cloths at her daughter’s wed-ding. There isn’t a thing in the world wrong with

that, but I preferred to spend a little more for cloth. I did not, however, pay $2,000 for the venue I really wanted. Instead, I settled for the church gym that cost less than $200.

One of the most important things about planning a wedding, in my opinion, is to wait until you know your groom. I can’t help but notice how many advertise-ments there are in bridal magazines for engagement rings. If you’re looking at a bridal magazine, shouldn’t you already have your engagement ring? Advertis-ers are banking on millions of girls shopping for their wedding long before the appropriate time. It’s fun to dream, but chomp the bit, baby, and don’t over-plan too early. Wait for God’s timing—and the groom’s!

“I did not want my

wedding to be a joke.”

center ring

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Not too long ago I had a conversation with a group of recent college graduates (both men and women).

To a person, they all agreed that they would not be get-ting married anytime soon, and several of them were willing to put a number on it --- “definitely not until af-ter 30.”

I walked away wondering --- Why wait?

Men have long been known for their stiff-arming ap-proach to marriage. But did you know that single wom-en are the fastest growing demographic in the U.S.? The median age at first marriage for women has gone from 21 in 1970 to 27 presently. Furthermore, the marriage rate for women under 35 has declined nearly 50% since 1970 --- from 75.5 marriages per 1000 unmarried wom-en to 39.5.

Highest Quality Marriages:

Those Who Married At Ages 22 – 25

By John R. Buri, Ph.D.

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A couple of months ago I had a conversation with a young man named Eric. He is 27 years old. When Eric was in college, he dated a woman (Andrea) whom he described as “the love of my life.” As Eric put it: “Andrea and I got along great. We had chemistry. We could talk for hours. Or we could just hang out, perfectly comfortable simply being together, saying almost nothing. We never seemed to be at a loss for things that we enjoyed doing together. And it stayed this way for over three years.”

What could be better? Eric had found the love of his life. They had chemistry. They were able to commu-nicate. They enjoyed each other’s company. The re-lationship had shown staying power (thriving for over three years).

But a problem emerged shortly after graduation. An-drea wanted more. She was interested in “a future” to-gether. And the more she wanted to talk about their future, the more Eric pulled away. Within a year, they had split up.

Eric lamented to me: “I have dated a lot of women since then, some more seriously, most less so. But I haven’t found anyone quite like Andrea. I think I blew it. I think I missed out on a wonderful woman. I let her get away.”

I wish I could say that Eric’s situation is unique --- that very few people begin to think after breaking up that they’ve blown it, that they’ve passed on a person who would have made a great life companion. But unfortu-nately, I can’t. I’ve heard it dozens of times: men and women who realize (almost always too late) that they let a really good partner get away.

I suspect that nearly all of us are familiar with the stud-ies reporting that age at marriage and marital success are inversely related --- in other words, the earlier you marry, the less likely you are to experience marital suc-cess.

In light of such studies, it is only logical to wait. And we are led to believe that the longer you wait, the bet-ter.

But did you know that this is only true up to about age 22? If you marry prior to 21 or 22 years old, then the probability of marital success goes down drastically. But after age 22, this is no longer true.

In fact, recent evidence has suggested that the highest quality marriages are found among those who married at ages 22 – 25.

Furthermore, recent evidence has revealed that couples who wait until after 30 to marry run the risk of end-ing up with poorer quality marriages. As many people over 30 can attest, as people get older, they tend to get “set in their ways” --- and this is one characteristic that is notoriously detrimental to the type of mutual give-and-take that is so essential to close, loving, caring and giving relationships.

Obviously, this does not mean that all marriages that occur after the age of 30 are doomed to mediocrity, but it does suggest that such marriages may require a mod-icum of extra time, energy, effort, attention and give-and-take if they are going to be successful.

But I am still left with my query: Why wait?

If a woman has the desire and the intention of mar-rying and this woman has found someone who would make a wonderful traveling companion along the jour-ney called life, then why not seize the opportunity and make it official? Why not marry this person?

Why wait?

John R. Buri, Ph.D., is a professor of Psychology at the University of St. Thomas in Saint Paul, Minnesota. He is the au-thor of the book How To Love Your Wife. He also has published over 75 articles, questionnaires and professional papers. John has spent 20+ years working with couples and has extensive experience doing marriage prep and marriage enrich-ment with groups in the upper Midwest.This article was reprinted with permission from “Love Bytes: Insights on Our Deepest Desire”, a blog of PsychologyToday.com.

By John R. Buri, Ph.D.

In fact, recent evidence has suggested that the highest quality marriages are found

among those who married at ages 22 – 25.

Reb

a R

ay

by Reba Ray

1O

So yur best friend’s gettin’ married and yur the maid of honor. It’s all good till you figure that by default,

you’ve become indebted for a dress and a couple of gifts. Furthermore, you realize this title is an irony be-cause yur job is not to be honored, but to serve. As the friend with top billin’, you’ve got to throw the bridal shower.

Ideas? You’ve got ‘em! How about renting out the lo-cal arboretum and catering the affair with mimosas on white linens – a three-piece string ensemble in the background? Classy! Just one problem: you have $50 left over this month to pull this off. Holy smokes, what a predicament.

Girls, those fancified ideas are out of reach, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a classy little affair on yur budget. The best recipe for success is to not go this alone. If you wanna be a control freak – have at it, but two things will surely happen: 1. You’ll foot the bill all by yurself, and 2. You’ll be so dang exhausted by the time the shower rolls around that you won’t be in a proper frame of mind to enjoy it. So get some help from the other bridesmaids or even yur family. At a minimum, you can farm out makin’ some of the food, which’ll save you time and money.

The first thing yur gonna need is a free place. What’s yur place look like when you clean out all the clutter from the front room? Could you push yur stuff in the bedroom and fit in a couple of borrowed tables from yur church, or Grandma’s foldin’ card tables? (You can always count on a grandma to have a foldin’ card table

or two.) No? Then inconvenience the bride’s closest friend with the nicest house for the event. If the weath-er’s nice, you could reserve a pavilion at a park, if it’s free.

Decorations? Keep it simple and start plannin’ early. Go ahead to the dollar store and get ya some of those plastic table covers. If they only come in long rectan-gles, cut ‘em down to fit yur square and round tables. Or skip the tables and just beg and borrow enough chairs to sit around the room, putting the food and drink on yur dinin’ table and the gifts on the coffee table, pulled to the side.

Brighten up the room with whatever greenery and flowers are in season. Hit some garage sales or yur lo-cal thrift store well in advance and pick up some glass vases – there always seem to be bunches of ‘em and people won’t even buy ‘em for a dime. Get ya a half-dozen or more, and tie ribbon around ‘em in the wed-ding colors. Now fill the vases with whatever you can find. Live near the ocean? Fill ‘em with sand and a tea candle surrounded by shells to top it off. Live in the woods? Fill ‘em with pine cones and juniper branches. The city? Head on over to the park and fill ‘em with whatever’s in bloom. Now I know plenty a’people who’d sooner shoplift a shirt than clip something off a bush or tree in public. Whereas there are some places it’s illegal to pick wildflowers, I’m bettin’ if you keep yur eyes open, you can find some pretty wild some-thing growin’ somewhere it’s OK to pick. If you have any public lands around ya – even if you have to drive half an hour to get to them – you can pick all you want

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there. How about asking yur local church or someone in yur church for some clippins? There’s a church in my neighborhood that has holly trees with bright red ber-ries on dark green pointy leaves for about four months outta the year. I feel sure if I walked in the office with a smile and asked the secretary if I could have some clippins’ for a bridal shower, she’d say, “Reba, take all ya want!” Flowers and such are expensive, so you really need to find ya a source of free greens and let them and the 10-cent vases be yur décor.

Not feelin’ the free greens? How about decoratin’ with balloons? That dudn’t sound right either? Dang, yur hard to please. You better head on over to the best blog I’ve found for do-it-yurself party themes and décor. Surely you can find something you like at Hostess with the Mostess.

Dishes and the like? You could do paper from the dol-lar store – perfectly acceptable. But if you want, you could go a little nicer and just make that yur shower gift to the bride. I’m not talkin’ china, but some colorful plastic picnic plates and glasses.

Now for the vittles. If yur on a tight budget, forget a ca-terer. And don’t bother lookin’ into ordering made up food from a grocery deli either. If you’ve got more time than money, make it work for ya by throwing the vittles together yerself. I’m gonna give ya a sample menu with recipettes that you can prepare for 25 people for well under $50. What?! You read me right! And if you fol-low my recommendations about preparing the food in advance, you won’t be runnin’ around like a chicken with yur head cut off the day of the shower. Hint: Plan the shower at a non-meal time, like 2 p.m. This says clear as a whistle, “Don’t come hungry to this event.” Yur guests will expect food, but not a meal. And hope-fully, the crowd is full of dainty little things who’re too polite to make pigs of themselves in public!

Finally, don’t go blowin’ a wad on fancy servin’ dishes. Ask around to borrow that sort of thing. If everyone you know is as dish-destitute as you, head to the $1 store (that’s not Dollar General, where things cost more than a dollar, but a store where everything is one dollar, like Dollar Tree), and you’ll probably be able to find some-thin’ to work in a pinch (a penny pinch, that is).

MenuChicken Salad Finger Sandwiches on Pumpernickel

Tortilla Pin WheelsPalmiers

Chocolate-covered StrawberriesLemon Cake

Raspberry Iced Tea

Tortilla Pin WheelsOne package large tortillas, one can black olives, 16 oz. cream cheese, one package cheap lunch meat

Chop olives and lunch meat to smithereens. Spread cream cheese all over the tortillas, about 1/8 of an inch thick. Sprinkle all over with olive and lunch meat smithereens. Roll the tortillas, and cut into ¾” disks. Make the night before and seal in air tight container in the fridge. Bring them out about an hour before the shower to warm to room temp – makes ‘em taste bet-ter. Makes a whole heap.

Chicken Salad on PumpernickelOne loaf pumpernickel, prepared chicken salad

I’m all for fixin’ from scratch, but c’mon Girls, yur fixin’ a whole mess o’food and you’ve gotta make everything purdy, dress yerself up and a hunderd other things, so let someone else make the chicken salad. It’s not that much cheaper to make it from scratch anyway.

Just plop a scoop of chicken salad on a piece of bread and spread it all the way to the edge. Top with an-other and either cut in thirds, makin’ long rectangu-

lar sandwiches or cut them in one-fourth squares. You shouldn’t need to cut the crust off of pumpernickel – it all looks the same. Can’t find pumpernickel sliced? My local Wal-Mart has a swirled pumpernickel-rye sliced bread that would make a fine substitute. Makes about 36 sandwiches.

Palmiers One package puff pastry, one package chocolate chips

Make these the day before.

Sprinkle a clean counter with sugar and unfold a thawed puff pastry sheet on to the sugary surface. Brush it with water and sprinkle on some more sugar. Roll the dough from both sides inward like yur foldin’ up the paper on an ancient scroll. Sprinkle the scroll with sugar, wrap ‘er with wax paper and stick ‘er in the fridge for an hour. Repeat this with the second sheet of puff pastry.

When the hour’s up, preheat the oven to 400˚F. Re-move one roll from the fridge and the wax paper and cut it into 1/3 to 1/2 –inch slices with a sharp knife. Dip the little butterfly wings into sugar and put ‘em about and inch and a half apart on an ungreased cookie sheet. Press down just a little on each cookie with the back of

Yur Shoppin’ List(Buy generic whenever possible)

• One box tea $2• 48 or 64 oz. cran-raspberry juice $2.50• Package large tortillas $2• Can medium black olives $1.90• 2 packages full fat cream cheese $3.40• Small package of lunch meat (ham or roast beef work well) $1.50• One package puff pastry $4• One package chocolate chips $2• Two packages fresh strawberries, the bigger the better $5• 2 loaves pumpernickel bread $6• Prepared chicken salad (not from the deli, but in a plastic tub) $11• Cake mix $1.50• Prepared icing $1.50• Fresh mint $3

You’ll Also Need but Probably Have• 1 ½ cups of sugar• Oil• 2 tablespoons flour• Up to 3 eggs• Ice cube trays – beg, borrow or buy from Goodwill

or the $1 store

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a tablespoon, then bake for five to seven minutes on the top rack. Bring ‘em out when the edges are just turn-ing brown. Flip ‘em over and bake ‘em a little more – maybe five more minutes – until they’re golden brown. Get ‘em off the cookie sheet fast when you take ‘em out of the oven. They’re sticky suckers and need to dry on a dish or a wire rack.

After cookies are cooled, heat half the package of chocolate chips in the microwave (90 seconds) or in a small pan, stirring constantly. Dip one side of a cook-ie in chocolate sauce and set on wax paper to harden. Dip half the cookies and leave the other half naked for those odd sorts that don’t like chocolate. Store the chocolate-dipped cookies in a cool place if you don’t want a sloppy, chocolate mess on yur hands. Makes about 48 cookies.

Spoon out any crumbs from yur chocolate sauce and put it in the fridge, awaitin’ further instructions.

Chocolate Covered StrawberriesWhen strawberries are in season, they’re pretty cheap, but in the dead of winter, you should substitute some-thing like dried apricots for this. If using strawberries, do this the same day as the shower – no more than a few hours ahead.

Two packages of strawberries, washed. The other half of the bag of chocolate chips

Add the rest of the chocolate chips to the leftover chocolate from the Palmiers and melt it all like you did for the cookies. Then grabbin’ the strawberries by the green, like you were hangin’ a kid by his hair (not like you’d ever do that), swirl that strawberry around in the hot chocolate sauce. Set dipped berries on wax paper and move to the fridge when you get a plate full. Keep these chilled until right before the shower starts. Yur probably gonna run out of chocolate before you run out of strawberries. Not a problem. Set the undipped ber-ries on one side of the plate and the dipped ones on the other – not everybody eats chocolate, ya know. Makes about 35.

A CakeOK, Reba’s gonna go no-nonsense here and suggest you use a box mix for yur cake. Lemon or strawberry

cake with cream cheese icing is a nice shower cake. If yur skills are up to it, try a two-layer cake. No pans? Head to the dollar store, where you can buy two square or round disposable pans for a dollar. Be sure to fol-low package directions to the letter, particularly about the part where you grease and flour the pan. Recently Reba’s hubby tried baking a cake all by himself. He ap-plied logic to the package directions and decided that if he was using a nonstick pan, he didn’t need to grease and flour the pan, like the package said. Well, the birds really liked that cake, and fortunately, he started early enough in the mornin’ to get to the store for another box of cake mix. Read and heed! Top the cake with a shower favor, some mint leaves (on a lemon cake) or a plump strawberry with greens still on (on the straw-berry cake). Take note: this is the only food yur servin’ that requires an eatin’ implement (a fork). You could avoid this by making mini cupcakes instead, but you’d need a mini muffin pan and some cupcake cups. If you have to buy a pan, might as well buy the plastic forks and make life easier on yurself.

Iced Raspberry TeaOne pitcher sweet, one unsweetened, plus one pitcher water.

Prepare this the night before by making ice cubes with 64 oz. of cran-raspberry juice, and making tea accord-ing to package directions for both sweet and unsweet-ened pitchers. Chill all night. Last thing before the shower starts, fill each clear glass with six raspberry ice cubes. Toss a mint leaf on top of those cubes. Then let yur guests fill their own glasses with sweetened or un-sweetened tea. Also set out six or so glasses with regu-lar ice for the plain Jane types. This cran-raspberry ice thing also works well with lemonade, but tea is cheaper.

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Dear Gabby

I'm a bridesmaid in a wedding this spring. There's a brid

al

shower scheduled for May, then the w

edding in June. I've

already shelled

out over $200 for a

dress and shoes. Plus

the wedding is out of to

wn and I'll have travel e

xpenses.

Is it expected

that I give t

he bride a gif

t for both t

he

shower and the wedding? I'm not sure I can afford

this!

- Impoverished in Indianapolis

dear gabby:

Living a conundrum? Trying to make

two wrongs a right? Threw the baby

out with the bath water?

Dear Gabby can help! Send your

questions now to

thegabster@onmyownnow.com

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“ Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly, reaps spar-ingly. And whoever sows generously will also reap gen-

erously. Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for

God loves a cheerful giver.”

2 Corinthians 9:6-7

Gabby’s giving herself a big hug just thinking about this wedding. Weddings are so great! There’s the happy bride and groom, glowing and so into each other. There’s dancing and laughing guests, the mother of the groom giddy with relief. The music, the flowers, the flower girls – all beautiful. Maybe a little champagne…okay, maybe a lot. And somewhere behind the Boston fern are the bridesmaids and the father of the bride, all weeping over the bills they’ve been handed to make this event so beautiful.

Weddings are wonderful, but they also can be a real financial challenge – for both the guests and the couple getting married. It’s so easy to get caught up in the festivities that the reality of how much money is being spent doesn’t hit until the hangover. But the long and short of it is, even though you’re spending a lot to be in this wedding, bridesmaids should give both a shower and a wedding present. That’s part of what you sign on for when you agree to be in the wedding. Usually, it’s the bridesmaids who throw the shower party which, depending on how elaborate it is, could very well be seen to be the gift itself. However, most still give a shower gift to the bride. But since the shower and the wedding are two separate events, all bridesmaids should still give a wedding pres-ent. That doesn’t mean, however, that it has to come with a payment plan.

Heartfelt gifts don’t have to carry giant price tags. Any craft or art that you are good at is a really personal offering for the couple. A hand-painted ceramic plate, silk wreath, or watercol-or painting, for example. Or how ‘bout a favor-ite bottle of champagne for their honeymoon or even a blanket for their sofa? There are some easy no-sew fleece designs you can do your-self—or if you’re a knitter – even better! Gabby received a crocheted blanket for her wedding and every time she uses it she thinks about the person who stitched it, loop by loop. The point is, giving generously of your heart doesn’t have to make you poor in the pocket.

As Paul reminds us in 2nd Corinthians, “God loves a cheerful giver.” If, however, the burden of dresses, shoes, hotels, showers and gifts is more than one gal’s pocketbook can bear, then you need to be upfront with your friend. Better she should know your situation than to think your lack of generosity is a reflection of your af-fection or esteem for her. That way, with a full heart, you can firmly hand the tissues to father of the bride, get out from behind that fern and show everyone how the chicken dance is really done.

- Gabster

Dear Improverished,

Spare Change

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‘Tis the season to be married, and for single women, that means we’re bringing the gifts. Ask just about any married couple about their wedding gifts and you’ll probably find that one or two gifts tend to stand out above the others – some for good reasons and some for bad. Sometimes they recall the sentimental gifts: a clock from the bride’s sister, a mirror from a college roommate or a handmade quilt from Grand-

ma. Sometimes they bring up the truly bizarre: that mon-

key lamp from crazy Uncle Louie, “recycled” kitchen utensils from a friend of

the groom’s mother, or the crystal penguin statu-

ette from a co-worker. And sometimes, as my Great

Aunt Patty will tell you, it’s a Maltese puppy named Ban-dit. Hoo-boy.

(is the one you can afford)

by Julie Ann

So what can you give to make sure that you go down in history as having given a “good gift” – even if you’re strapped for cash?

Get Crafty

(Or at least minimally crafty): There are plenty of ways to save a little cash by making your own creative, per-sonalized gift. If you are close to the bride and groom and have a lot of photos and/or mementos of their court-ship, you might consider making a mini-scrapbook -- or if you are a little more technically-minded, a video or photo slideshow. Or how about embellishing a photo frame, framing their wedding invitation, or a love poem written in beautiful calligraphy (or even typed in a fancy script)? One of my personal favorite things to make for people is a scripture jar. I buy a tall glass jar and then decorate it with ribbons and clear-backed scrapbooking stickers. I type about ten pages of scriptures in different fonts and print on colored card stock. After cutting out the verses I fill up the jar. It’s fairly inexpensive and you don’t need much talent (obviously since I can do it and I’m not getting my own show on HGTV anytime soon). If going in this direction be sure your gift turns out classy and sophisticated (and not kindergarten art and crafts class), matches the style and tastes of the couple and has some usefulness or sentimental value.

Offer a Service: Another avenue to consider is volunteering your time or talent as a service to the happy couple. Are you a cake decorator? Photographer? Hair stylist? Pianist? Maybe you have a knack for organization or decorating? If so, consider volunteering your service as a gift. However, a word of caution, make sure that you actually have the talent to pull off the service you are volunteering. You don’t want to be the bride’s makeup artist and end up giving her a look that’s a cross between Tammy Faye Bakker and Lady Gaga. If you aren’t the Ace of Cakes or Annie Leibovitz, you can still volunteer a service that would help the bride and groom, such as house- or dogsit-ting while the love birds are honeymooning. Maybe they need someone to water the plants? Pick up the mail? Clean up after the reception, including returning rental items? Talk to the bride and groom well before their big day and ask how you can help them out as your gift.

Store Bought: If you don’t know the couple well enough to perform a service or don’t have a creative bone in your body, you still don’t have to go broke buying off the gift registry. First make sure that you shop early while the selection is best. To be honest, when I get my gift registry print out at the store, I scan the price column first and pinpoint the items within my price range (cheap!). The earlier you hit up the registry, the more “reasonably priced” items will be available. If you still cannot find anything within your price range, don’t feel bad about going in with a friend or two. You may even be able to get a considerably better gift by pooling together with them. You can also consider picking up a few small, useable items the newlyweds will need for their new home and placing them in a nice gift basket. However, make sure you really think outside the box if going this route. You don’t want to be the giver of one of six salt-and-pepper shaker sets the couple receives. If you are really stuck, then think about buying a gift card for movie tickets or the couple’s favorite restaurant. After all, date nights shouldn’t stop after the knot has been tied. Of course, if everything else fails just go with cold hard cash, which might be the most use to many couples and would be appreciated in any amount.

The bottom line is that you should consider the personality and tastes of the couple and what they might re-member on their 50th anniversary. It probably won’t be the toaster that broke after two years of wedded bliss, but the thoughtful gift. (Or maybe the really freaky gift, but don’t give that one.) And remember, at the end of the wedding day, the new Mr. and Mrs. are likely more concerned about you just being a part of their happy day than some extravagant gift.

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I’ve always believed that you should dress up for a wedding. It’s the most memorable day yet in the life of the bride and groom and the guests are key in helping to make that memory. I wore dress pants to a wedding once, and I think that is about as casual as a female guest should go to a wedding. However, I’ve noticed at the last few weddings I’ve attended, that some people wear jeans. I thought to myself, “Seri-ously? Jeans?”

Am I just old fashioned? I needed a second opinion, so I did some searching online and found from four different sources (Vogue, About.com, Yahoo An-swers and a wedding blogger) that fashionistas agree: wearing jeans to a wedding is taboo – and even dress pants is slummin’ it. So, what’s the thinking behind this fashion faux pas?

“I want to be ready for the reception,” might be a typ-ical justification for skipping the dress. Guess what – you shouldn’t wear jeans to the reception either! Un-less the bride and groom are dressing down, it’s just not right for the guest to go get comfy-cozy either.

“I’ve never worn a dress in my life and I’m not going to start for some lousy wedding.” With those kinds of well wishes, perhaps you should just stay home. As if putting on a dress is some major sacrifice! I John 3 says we should be willing to give up our lives for our Christian brothers and sisters. Put it in perspective! No one’s asking for a kidney here!

“I don’t own a dress, and I can’t afford to buy one.” OK, this may have some validity. However, most weddings don’t sneak up on us; we usually have a month or more advance notice to fix this problem. Can’t afford a dress? How about borrowing one? Your dress-wearing friends most likely have in their closet a small collection of things they wore only once

In a society that finds it accept-able for students to wear paja-

mas and boxer shorts to class, is it any surprise that people show up to weddings these days in jeans?

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and now can’t bear to part with or stoop to wearing again. Don’t worry about someone recognizing the dress as your friend’s. Dresses look different on dif-ferent people. No one will notice! No friends your size? In this case, I’d refer you back to my column on how to look great on the cheap. If you can afford a value meal at your favorite fast food place, you’ve got enough to buy a nice secondhand dress.

“I feel so awkward in a dress. I’m afraid to eat, drink or dance.” Afraid to eat? Try a bib. You’d look a lot less silly with your napkin tucked in your dress than you would in jeans. Afraid to dance? Then don’t. If you must be in jeans to dance, just sit this one out.

Weddings are unlike any other event. They are a celebration of two people. Hold your choice of clothing in as high regard as you

hold the people you are celebrating.

“”

by Tamara Jane

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“The wedding is outside and it’s going to be cold and windy.” Here’s a situation that might warrant dress pants, depending on how cold we’re talking. Maybe you own a dress, but not dressy outerwear. Admit-tedly, that is harder to find secondhand or borrowed. If it’s a cold-weather, outdoor wedding, you’re going to need to start early trying to find something suit-able, but the same strategies apply.

Have we come to terms with jeans being taboo for a wedding? Okay, then, so what should we wear? Some clues as to how formal the event will be can be found in the invitation. Where will the wedding be? Where is the reception? Check out the couple’s wedding Web site, if available, to see if the bride has made any suggestions. If you’re still wondering, ask one of the attendants. Are the groomsmen going to be in tuxes? Then you should dress formal as well. If they’re going to be in shirt and tie – follow suit with business casual attire. Don’t assume that just because the couple is tying the knot barefoot on the

beach that it’s OK for you to show up in capris and a tank top. It is still the right thing for you to do, as a friend and supporter of this union, to hobble out in the sand in your dress shoes. Always better to ask than to under-dress.

Color? It’s OK to try to dress to the colors of the wed-ding, but don’t feel obligated to – anything that is seasonal and appropriate to the level of formality of the event is fine. Black? It used to be considered bad form to wear black to weddings, but that has gone the way of white after Labor Day. Black seems more

appropriate for an evening event, however.

Let’s be clear about the motive here. Whatever you decide to wear, it should not be about you. In your decision-making, you should be doing unto others as you would have them do to you. Your goal is to con-tribute to the warm memories made that day. You don’t want to stand out in the happy couple’s mem-ory for having stolen the spotlight with a peacock feather hat and a plunging neckline, nor for sticking out like a sore thumb as the only one in jeans. Blend! Be the memory! For more on what to wear to a wed-ding, check out Westchester Weddings.com’s guest attire suggstions.

Weddings are unlike any other event. They are a cel-ebration of two people. They don’t come once a year like birthdays, and there aren’t 300 other people cel-ebrating the same occasion in the same place, like graduations. Hold your choice of clothing in as high regard as you hold the people you are celebrating.