simpsons spec

8/11/2019 Simpsons Spec

1/50

THE SIMPSONS

"Sludge Takes Springfield"

written by

Morgan Evans

09 17, 2014


2/50

SLUDGE TAKES SPRINGFIELD

by

Morgan Evans

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

EXT. CONVENTION CENTER - MORNING

HOMER, MARGE, BART, LISA and MAGGIE are walking outside ofthe convention center. A sign reads KNITTING CONVENTION --SORRY. Everyone looks exasperated but Marge.

HOMER

(SARCASM) Im so glad you decided to do

your birthday at a knitting convention.

BART

(SARCASM) Yeah mom, greatidea.

LISA

(SARCASM) I cant wait to see how

enlighteningit is inside.

MAGGIE

(SARCASTIC SUCKING)

MARGE

I dont appreciate the sarcasm.

HOMER

(SARCASM) Oooh, what is sarcasm?

MARGE

Thats sarcasm!

HOMER

(SARCASM) I dont know what youre

talking about.

Page 1

(CONTINUED)


3/50

MARGE

Do you really not know or are you being

sarcastic?

HOMER

(WORRIED) Im not sure! (SCREAMS)

The family enters the doors to the convention center as theCRAZY CAT LADY is being thrown out by a SECURITY GUARDalong with her CATS. The CATS all have tons of yarn.

SECURITY GUARD

And stay out! Give me that pass.

We see one of her CATS is dressed as an old time-y pressreporter complete with hat and flash camera. It shakes thepress badge off.

SECURITY GUARD (CONTD)

If Ive said it once Ive said it a

thousand times. NO BUZZFEED!

The cat coughs up a hairball, which is one of those littleLOL logo things they have all over their site.

INT. CONVENTION CENTER - LATER

The family stands around the convention center and surveysthe booths. We see signs for YARNS A PLENTY, TOO MUCHYARN, MORE YARN, and YARM. The Yarm booth is beingmanned by OL GIL.

MARGE

Whats Yarm?

GIL

Its just like yarn!

MARGE

Whats different about it?

GIL

Its not yarn!

Page 2

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)


4/50

MARGE

(DISAPPOINTED SOUND)

The family moves on. We stay with Gil, who talks to hispile of Yarm.

GIL

Looks like it just you and me, Yarm.

The pile of Yarm moves around. Its clearly a sentientbeing.

YARM

(SQUISH SOUNDS)

GIL

Whatdya mean you quit!?!?

INT. CONVENTION CENTER - ANOTHER AREA

The family stands in group of YARN FANS who gawk at a booth.A SALESMAN is displaying an elaborate web of yarn.

SALESMAN

Step right up! Step right up! (TO

GROUP) Now, what would you say is

yarns number one flaw?

HELEN LOVEJOY jumps at the question.

HELEN LOVEJOY

(SHOUTING) Its too colorful!

SALESMAN

No...

A CARL-ESQUE MAN pipes in.

CARL-ESQUE MAN

Its too expensive!

SALESMAN

No...

Page 3

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)


5/50

BRANDINE SPUCKLER pokes her head out.

BRANDINE

Its always damp!

SALESMAN

Nope! Its flimsy!

YARN FANS

Oh that makes sense / I feel foolish

for not knowing! / That was my second

guess.

SALESMAN

Now, what if I told you this yarn could

hold up three men?

HOMER

(FURIOUS) Id say youre a liar!

SALESMAN

Well, sir, why dont you step over here

so we can demonstrate.

Homer clears the table and is standing next to the man.

HOMER

Woo hoo!

SALESMAN

Now whats your name?

Homer panics, forgets his name.

HOMERS BRAIN

Stay calm. Stay calm. You know its

something with an H. Hober... Hammer...

Page 4

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)


6/50

HOMER

Hans Moleman. (ANNOYED GRUNT)

SALESMAN

(TO GROUP) Using our patented steel

infused yarn and this pulley system,

you might say its just like magic!

(SUDDENLY SERIOUS) But its not.

Theres no such thing as magic.

The salesman hooks Homer up to a pulley and attempts topull him upwards. He cant do it. The yarn SNAPS and Homer

falls to the floor.

SALESMAN (CONTD)

(SAVING FACE, TO GROUP) No worries! We

have more yarn somewhere.

He looks around and cant find it.

SALESMAN (CONTD)

(TO HIMSELF) Where is it!?

We PAN to:

INT. CONVENTION CENTER - ANOTHER AREA

Ralph Wiggum is grabbing his stomach in pain near a pile ofblue yarn.

RALPH

(MOANS) I ate the blue pasta.

INT. CONVENTION CENTER - LATER

Marge is holding quite a bit of yarn and yarn-relatedproducts while Homer and the kids shuffle their feet. Bartseyes light up and he points to something.

BART

Look! Sugar!

We PAN ACROSS the convention center to reveal a booth for

Page 5

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)


7/50

SLUDGE ENERGY -- ITS LIKE A TRUCK IN A CAN being mannedby BOOTH BABES with T-shirt cannons loaded with the cans.

They fire the cans at a crowd of eager PATRONS with theirhands up. The cans hit people in the face. At least threetimes. HOMER runs into the middle of the crowd.

HOMER

Over here! Over here!

The BOOTH BABE shoots a can at Homer, who catches it withhis mouth and immediately swallows it whole.

HOMER (CONTD)

More! More!

BOOTH BABE

You know, youre really not supposed to

eat the can.

HOMER

(SINCERE) What can?

Bart jumps into the mix.

BART

I want one!

Marge puts her hand on Barts shoulder.

MARGE

Theyre not for children, Bart.

BART

But that kid has one!

Bart points at a Database-esque KID. The KID looks back atBart.

DATABASE-ESQUE KID

Hey, watch it! Thats my dad!

PAN TO REVEAL the KID is standing next to his TINY FATHERwho is way smaller than him. He gives an incredulous lookat Bart.

Page 6

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)


8/50

TINY FATHER

Come along Jeremy.

They slink away as the REPORTER CAT from earlier pounces onthe Tiny Father.

TINY FATHER (CONTD)

Ahhhhhh! Unhand me you foul beast!

The Booth Babe directs her attention to Marge.

BOOTH BABE

Believe it or not, Sludge is perfectly

safe for children!

MARGE

(CONCERNED MURMUR)

Lisa grabs a can off the table and looks at the back. Wesee the nutrition label which is all blurred out.

LISA

I dont know. This nutrition label is

all curse words.

The BOOTH BABE takes it out of Lisas hands.

BOOTH BABE

Youve never heard of(BLEEP)-phates?

LISA

No...

BOOTH BABE

What about (BLEEP)-concentrate?

Homer is drinking another Sludge drink. The liquid isthick, you know, like sludge.

HOMER

Mmm. (LONG BLEEP)-concentrate.

Page 7

CONTINUED:


9/50

INT. SIMPSON CAR - LATER

Homer is driving. MARGE is knitting in the passenger seat.LISA, MAGGIE, and BART sit in the back.

HOMER

Hey Marge, pass me another Sludge.

MARGE

(NERVOUS MURMUR) I think youve had

enough.

HOMER

(WHINY) But Marge, Im trying to avoid

the sugar cra

Homer immediately falls asleep. The car swerves down thestreet straight toward a light pole.

MARGE / BART / LISA / MAGGIE

(SCREAMS)

HOMER

(SNORES)

The car crashes into the light pole and Homer, stillasleep, goes flying through the windshield towards a bigpillow truck. The sign on the truck reads PILLOWS We PANTO REVEAL the tag line: MADE OUT OF STONE. FOR STATUES.

Homer lands in the truck.

HOMER (CONTD)

(PAINFUL YELLING, THEN SNORING)

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - TV ROOM - DAY

Homer sits on the couch with both of his arms in casts. Bartsits next to him. They have their feet propped up on boxesof Sludge and they are both LOUDLY SIPPINGcans of it.

ON TV

ITCHY AND SCRATCHY

Page 8

(CONTINUED)


10/50


11/50

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

The kitchen, where Marge and Lisa (Maggie is in her chair)are watching them.

LISA

This is ridiculous. We should put a

stop to it.

MARGE

Oh theyll tire themselves out. And

besides, look at our fence!

ANGLE ON

The glistening fence, its like new.

LISA

But it cant be good for them, mom. Who

knows what those (BLEEP)-phates are

doing to their insides.

CUT TO:

INT. HOMERS STOMACH - CONTINUOUS

A festering pile of donuts, beer, meat, and a fugu fish. TheSludge beverage sloshes around on top, then dissolveseverything in the stomach. It then dissolves part of thestomach itself and evaporates in a dangerous looking steam.

ANGLE ON

Marge, back in the kitchen.

MARGE

Look how productive theyre being.

(THEN) Theyre even building a gazebo.

(EXCITEDLY, REALIZING) Look honey, a

gazebo!

Sure enough Homer and Bart have constructed a very largewhite gazebo.

Page 10

(CONTINUED)


12/50

LISA

(EXASPERATED) I see it mom.

MARGE

A gazebo!

As Homer hammers the last nail into the gazebo him and Bartimmediately fall down, asleep. They both SNORE.

MARGE (CONTD)

(WORRIED MURMUR) OK. Youre right. No

more Sludge. (SADLY) It was good while

it lasted.

LISA

(SOME CONSOLATION) At least you got a

gazebo out of it?

We PAN across town to MARTIN frolicking in a field offlowers. He sniffs a daisy and SNEEZES. We FOLLOW aninfinitesimally small gust of wind caused by his sneeze allthe way to the gazebo where it brushes it lightly. Thegazebo then FALLS APART taking the whole fence with them.

MARGE

(CONTEMPTUOUSLY) Martin...

LISA

Whyd you just say Martin?

MARGE

(DEFENSIVE) I dont know. People say

things. Get off my case.

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - MORNING

HOMERS POV

An eyelid opens and scans the room. Everything looksincredibly detailed and horrific. Hangover-lens.

BACK TO REALITY

Page 11

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)


13/50

Homer gets out of bed. His head is throbbing.

HOMER

I feel terrible.

Homer walks right into the closed bedroom door.

HOMER (CONTD)

(ANNOYED GRUNT) Stupid door and its

wiles.

Homer bats at the door with his hands.

HOMER (CONTD)

(YELLS) Open! (THEN, HIS YELLING

COMPOUNDING HIS HANGOVER) OW! (GRABS

HEAD) OW! (AGAIN) OW! (AGAIN) OW!

INT. BARTS BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Homers muffled yelling permeates Barts bedroom wall,waking him up.

BART

OW!

HOMER (O.S.)

OW!

BART

OW!

HOMER

OW!

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - KITCHEN - MORNING

Marge is making pancakes while Lisa reads a newspaper.Maggie is in the high chair. Bart and Homer enter.

BART / HOMER

OW! OW! OW!

Page 12

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)


14/50

MARGE

Good morning you two!

BART

(GROGGY) What happened?

Homer is looking through the refrigerator.

LISA

You both drank that Sludge drink too

fast... and at all.

HOMER

(RUMMAGING THE FRIDGE) Where is the

Sludge?

MARGE

I threw it out.

HOMER

(IGNORING, POLITE) Where is the Sludge?

MARGE

Lisa and I both agreed its terrible

for you so we removed it from the

house.

HOMER

(BEAT AS HE PROCESSES, THEN, YELLS)

EXT. SIMPSONS HOUSE - BACK YARD - CONTINUOUS

SANTAS LITTLE HELPER is licking up some Sludge drink thatis leaking from a discarded crate. He SWALLOWSit and hislegs immediately grow muscles. He stands on his hind legsand walks off.

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - KITCHEN

Back to it.

Page 13

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)


15/50

BART

You cant do that! I need it!

LISA

Guys its horrible for you. Not to

mention really addictive.

BART

Its not addictive.

LISA

Then whats your hand doing?

Barts hand twitches wildly.

BART

Its cold.

HOMER

(WHINY) But I really want some.

LISA

See, you are addicted.

HOMER

Am not.

LISA

If youre both not addicted then you

wont mind not having any Sludge drink.

HOMER

Fine. I dont need it.

MARGE

Great! So why dont you both sit down

and Ill serve you up some pancakes.

Homer and Bart sit down at the table.

Page 14

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)


16/50

ANGLE ON

The clock ticking tremendously slowly. Homer cant take it.He stands up.

HOMER

Come on boy, well have to go get some

ourselves.

BART

(EXCITEDLY) Alright!

Homer and Bart visibly vibrate as they walk to the door.

MARGE

Homer, Im being serious. I wont allow

it in the house.

BART

(TO HOMER, WITH AN IDEA) Hear that dad?

We cant have it in the house.

HOMER

Quiet Bart, Im having an idea.

HOMERS BRAIN

If she wont allow it in the house...

maybe that means...

HOMER

(LOUDLY WHISPERING TO BART) well have

to drink it in the house.

MARGE

No! Not in the house!

HOMER

(ANGRY GRUMBLE) Then were leaving!

Page 15

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)


17/50

MARGE

Homer, so help me, if you leave this

house to go get more Sludge drink...

well... then... youre banned from our

home!

HOMER

Then so be it!

Homer and Bart leave the room, slamming the door behindthem. After a beat we hear their bodies fall and they beginSNORING loudly off camera.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE

Page 16

CONTINUED:


18/50

ACT TWO

FADE IN:

INT. SIMPSON CAR - DAY

Homer is driving. Bart in the passenger seat.

HOMER

Sometimes you have to stand up to those

closest to you even if theyre right

and have your best interests in mind.

Bart kicks his feet up on the dash.

BART

Looks like its just you and me now,

Homer. No school, no chores, and as

much Sludge as we want.

HOMER

(A BEAT, THEN) And I also have no

responsibilities.

INT. KWIK-E-MART - LATER

Homer and Bart enter. APU, predictably, is behind thecounter.

APU

Hello. Can I interest you in some

reclaimed carpet sample swatches?

Bart goes to the back, looks through the coolers. Homerstands listening to Apu.

HOMER

Hmmm... Whats in em?

Page 17

(CONTINUED)


19/50

APU

Dozens and dozens of carpets that

werent ready for market. For example,

Smurfs brand blue, Smurfs brand white,

and of course, Smurfs brand human skin

color. Please, enjoy this one: a rare

Army yellow. It was said to be the

original color of tanks before they

realized that was a bad idea.

ANGLE on a brightly colored yellow carpet sample with a USMilitary seal.

HOMER

I dont know what I would do with

this... but Ill take it!

Bart arrives at the counter with a case full of Sludge.

BART

Good afternoon my man.

APU

Someone is chipper today.

BART

Thats because me and homeboy here are

on the lam.

APU

(LAUGHS) Lucky for you then that my

security camera is false.

ANGLE on an old security camera monitor in the cornercovered in spiderwebs. A roach climbs out of it, then dies.

We cut back to the counter, Homer and Bart are gone withthe case of Sludge.

Page 18

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)


20/50

APU (CONTD)

I do not know why I keep telling people

that.

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - TV ROOM - DAY

Marge is knitting while Lisa walks around the room playingSax.

LISA

I cant believe how much better this is

with dad and Bart gone!

MARGE

I didnt want to admit it, but its

true! Now that the house is so calm I

can finally work on my own projects!

Look I knitted full outfits for the

pets.

SHOT of Santas Little Helper and SNOWBALL V in full knitbody suits. Theyre both trying to shake/pull them off.

LISA

(PUTTING HER SAX DOWN) And do you hear

that wondrous noise? Its silence!

MARGE

What silence?

LISA

Listen!

MARGE

To what?

LISA

The silence!

Page 19

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)


21/50

MARGE

Let me listen!

LISA

I am! Be quiet!

Silence.

Marge and Lisa look at each other, smiling ridiculously, asthey listen to the silence of the house.

LISA (CONTD)

I have an idea! Lets watch something

theyd never let us!

MARGE

You mean...

ON TV

KEN BURNS BEIGE

Standard Ken Burns TITLE CARD. INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC ramps up.Panning shots of beige things... car seats, pants,curtains...

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Beige. Created in 1706 by Frank

Beigestein, its rich and storied

history is oftentimes overlooked...

ANGLE ON MARGE AND LISA

Looking wide eyed and happy. Maggie folds her arms androlls her eyes.

EXT. SPRINGFIELDPARK - DAY

Homer and Bart are sitting on a bench near a bunch of emptycans of Sludge.

BART

Is it just me or is this stuff not as

strong anymore?

Page 20

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)


22/50

HOMER

Were building up a tolerance to it.

Like beer, or Foxs comedy line up.

A big LOWER THIRD for MULANEY appears.

BART

That stinks!

Bart throws a can. It hits Mulaney in the head. The lowerthird falls out of frame.

HOMER

Now, now, if my rampant addiction to

various vices has taught me anything,

its just to do more.

BART

(SHRUGS) If you say so.

Bart cracks open another can. He downs it. Homer follows.Barts eyes dilate ala Requiem

BART (CONTD)

Whoa! I think its working.

HOMER

(GIGGLES)

HOMERS POV

Bart is a big pineapple.

BARTs POV

Homer is a walrus.

BART

Whoa.

Page 21

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)


23/50

WALRUS HOMER

(LISPY) Quick, jump on my back! Ill

take you to sea!

HOMER AND BARTS TRIP

EXT. THE OCEAN - DAY

Pineapple Bart rides on the back of Walrus homer through theocean. A WHALE (voiced by President Barack Obama, probably)pokes his head out of the waves.

WHALE

Why hello! Look what I can do!

The whale turns upside down and blasts off into space usingits blowhole as a jet.

The whale EXPLODES in the sky and it rains shrimp, whichHomer and Bart catch with their mouths.

IN REALITY

EXT. SPRINGFIELD PARK - DAY

A severely tripped out Homer is running around on all fourswhile Bart rides on his back. Theyre both wildly laughing.Various PARK PEOPLE avoid them as they walk by.

HOMER

Mmmmm... Mind shrimp.

(DRIFTING OFF) I think Ill just rest

my... eyelids.

BART

(FALLING ASLEEP) Me too.

They collapse.

EXT. SPRINGFIELD PARK - NIGHT

Homer and Bart are still passed out on the ground. The wholeday has gone by.

CHIEF WIGGUM pokes at them with a baton.

Page 22

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(CONTINUED)


24/50

CHIEF WIGGUM

Alright you lazy vagrants. Move along.

They dont budge.

CHIEF WIGGUM (CONTD)

I said move along! Jeez, why does no

one listen to me anymore?

LOU chimes in.

LOU

Did you lose your badge again Chief?

CHIEF WIGGUM

No. Its right here... Wait a minute,

this is a womans broach.

Shot of an ornate broach.

LOU

Its a nice broach.

CHIEF WIGGUM

Thank you. (WHINES) Guys, get up!

That does the trick. Homer and Bart groggily stand.

They walk off.

CHIEF WIGGUM (CONTD)

(STRIKING A POSE) Great work boys. The

streets are now clean.

SNAKE runs behind Chief Wiggum with a stolen fish tank,theres a SHARK inside.

LOU

Uh, Chief.

Page 23

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)


25/50

CHIEF WIGGUM

Not now Lou, I already know you liked

the broach.

EXT. SPRINGFIELD RETIREMENT CASTLE - LATER

A particularly haggard Homer and Bart arrive at theretirement castle, dragging their feet.

HOMER

Follow my lead. Ill get us a place to

crash until your mother comes around.

INT. SPRINGFIELD RETIREMENT CASTLE - MOMENTS LATER

They stand at the front desk talking to a NURSE.

HOMER

Were here to visit Abe Simpson.

NURSE

We dont take visitors this late.

HOMER

(LYING) But its an... emergency.

NURSE

Whats the emergency?

HOMER

Hes very old. He could go at any

minute! He uh, called me.

GRAMPA appears in the doorway.

GRAMPA

No I didnt! Youre here for a free

ride! And Im all out.

Page 24

CONTINUED:

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)


26/50

(REMINISCING) That reminds me of the

time Henry Ford and I had a foot race.

It was summer of...

Homer and Bart are gone.

GRAMPA (CONTD)

Hey whered everyone go?

NURSE

Excuse me sir, theres no visitors

allowed this late.

GRAMPA

But I live here...

NURSE

Thats what they all say.

She points him out the door.

EXT. SPRINGFIELD RETIREMENT CASTLE - ESTABLISHING

A neon VACANCY sign lights up as Grampa walks out.

EXT. BURNS MANSION - NIGHT

Homer and Bart slink around the fence near Burns.

BART

Burns has so many rooms he wont even

notice anyone living here!

HOMER

I like how you think. You take after

your old man. (SINCERE) One day youll

grow up to be just like me, or someone

much, much worse.

Page 25

CONTINUED:

GRAMPA (CONT'D)

(CONTINUED)


27/50

Bart puts his hand out. Homer steps on it and Bart goesthrough the ground.

Bart stands inside the hole- his head barely poking out.

BART

On second thought, lets just dig.

Homer and Bart start digging with their hands.

ANGLE ON THE UNDERGROUND TUNNEL

It mimics Dig Dug almost exactly. Homer and Bart from thisfar away look like 8-bit characters. They move up and downin little black tunnels under burns house. A greendinosaur narrowly avoids them. They pop up underneath themansion.

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - TV ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Marge and Lisa are still sitting on the couch watching TV.

ON TV

KEN BURNS BEIGE CREDITS

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Please insert disc four.

Back to Marge and Lisa.

LISA

I cant believe weve been watching

this for seven hours.

MARGE

(CONCERNED) I hope Homer and Bart are

OK.

LISA

Im sure theyll be home any minute.

ANGLE ON THE DOOR.

LISA (CONTD)

Any minute...

Page 26

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(CONTINUED)


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ANGLE ON THE DOOR.

LISA (CONTD)

OK. This is ridiculous. Mom, theyre

not worried about us, so we shouldnt

be worried about them. Think about it!

Were finally free of the burden of

men! This home can at last become a

feminist utopia!

MARGE

A utopia?

A lower third graphic for FOXs Utopia appears. Marge andLisa wait for it to go away.

LISA

The boys get to live however they want

while we pick up after them! Well not

anymore. We can be the ones who need

picking up after!

MARGE

I dont know...

LISA

Watch!

Lisa throws a couch cushion down on the floor. Margewatches it sit there.

MARGE

This is fun!

LISA

See, told you!

Page 27

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)


29/50

MARGE

Lets put in disc four!

LISA

(DEADLY SERIOUS) Or, we could put in...

disc five.

MARGE

(NERVOUSLY LAUGHS) Lisa, youre scaring

me.

LISA

Im scaring myself!

Lisa hops up on the couch.

LISA (CONTD)

I am woman! Hear me roar!

Marge throws another couch cushion down to the floor.

MARGE

Im doing it! Im cutting loose!

EXT. EVERGREEN TERRACE - CONTINUOUS

JIMBO and KEARNEY are walking by the Simpson house.

JIMBO

Whoa. Look! Those chicks are cutting

loose!

KEARNEY

Theyre not even using coasters!

INT. BURNS MANSION - HALLWAY - NIGHT

Homer and Bart quietly sneak around Burns mansion.

Page 28

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)


30/50

BART

One of these doors has to lead to a

guest room.

HOMER

Or a normal room with a bed in it!

Bart looks around and then opens a door and peeks inside.OOMPA LOOMPAS are carrying various body bags around. Theynotice Bart watching them. He shuts the door.

We move to the next door. Bart opens it. Inside is a longhallway full of other doors, ala The Matrix. Inside, thecast of SCOOBY DOO chases each other through each door.Bart shuts the door.

Bart opens the door next to it. Inside we see a HUGEcomfortable bed.

BART

Alright!

Homer and Bart run into the room and SMACK against a wallrevealing that the bed is actually a large painting. Fromthe floor we see a sign on the door clearly labeledSTORAGE FOR PAINTINGS OF BEDS.

HOMER

Well thats just mean.

BART

Dad look!

We see another door next to this one with a sign labeledACTUAL BEDS. They enter it to discover a Xanadu-esqueroom filled with hundreds of beds.

Homer and Bart enter and fall asleep on the floor.

EXT. BURNS MANSION - MORNING - ESTABLISHING

INT. BURNS MANSION - BURNS ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Burns sits in a high tech hospital bed. He has a tray ofbreakfast sitting in front of him.

He struggles to lift a piece of toast.

Page 29

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(CONTINUED)


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BURNS

Drat! Its too heavy.

Burns turns to a little bell sitting on his bedside table.He tries to pick it up and ring it but cannot.

BURNS (CONTD)

(ANGRY) Who turned up the gravity in

here? (THEN) I suppose Ill use the

smaller bell.

Burns rings the smaller bell. SMITHERS enters.

SMITHERS

You rang, sir?

BURNS

Ring my bell!

SMITHERS

With pleasure!

Smithers runs to his bedside table and picks up the largerbell, which he rings. After the bell has rung out Smithers

stands at attention.

SMITHERS (CONTD)

You rang again sir?

BURNS

This toast is too heavy!

SMITHERS

Sorry sir, Ill fire the chef.

A MARIO BATALI-ESQUE CHEF is standing in the doorway.

CHEF

It cant be lighter! Itll float away!

BURNS

You heard the man, youre fired!

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CHEF

Fine! But Im taking my bowls. (AS HE

EXITS) YOU MADE ME BUY MY OWN BOWLS!

BURNS

Very well. Time to get up.

Burns struggles to lift his bedsheets.

SMITHERS

Let me help you out of that bed sir.

Smithers scoops Burns up. His foot hits the side of the bedforcing it to collapse. Burns and Smithers fall.

BURNS

You fool!

INT. BED STORAGE ROOM - LATER

Burns and Smithers open the door to find Bart and Homer.

BURNS

Who are these vagrants?

SMITHERS

I believe thats Homer Simpson and his

son Bart, sir.

BURNS

Are they dead?

SMITHERS

It would appear theyre sleeping.

Burns walks over to Bart and Homer and kicks them awake.

ANGLE ON BURNS LOOKING SINISTER

HOMER / BART

(SCREAMS)

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(CONTINUED)


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BURNS

(SCREAMS) is right! Freeloaders! You

think you two can stay in my bed room

and get away with it?!

HOMER

(SADLY) Yes.

BURNS

Well you cant! You fools owe me money.

Youll have to pay me back by

(DRAMATIC) working for me.

HOMER

(BEAT) But I already work for you.

BURNS

Then youre fired!

HOMER

(SAD MOAN)

BURNS

Youre hired!

HOMER

(HAPPY MOAN)

BURNS

As my servants.

HOMER

(SAYS IT) Sad moan.

FADE OUT:

END ACT TWO

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ACT THREE

FADE IN:

1970S TINTED FILM FOOTAGE - DOCUMENTARY (CIRCA NOW)

A green and yellow title card ala Grey Gardens fades up.Brockman Films, Inc. Presents / A Kent Brockman Film

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

The house is a huge mess. A CAMERA floats through it. Vinescling to the wall, a growing branch knocks a family photooff and into an overflowing trash can, which then topplesinto a hole in the ground. The trash CLUNKS down for miles.

Marge sits in a robe by the stairs.

MARGE

Theres another hole!

LISA

Whered it come from?!

MARGE

I dont know but its there!

EXT. EVERGREEN TERRACE - DAY - ESTABLISHING

The front yard looks like a jungle. A PAPERBOY rides by on abike and throws a newspaper into the yard. We follow thenewspaper into the jungle before it can land a Cheetahjumps in the air and catches it with its mouth. Before theCheetah can land its swallowed up whole by a Hippopotamus,which is then shot by a hunter. We pull back to the house.

A title fades up EVERGREEN TERRACE

A brief montage of newspaper articles:

MOTHER AND DAUGHTER ORDERED TO CLEAN HOUSE OR GET OUT

MARGE SIMPSON TOLD: CLEAN UP HOUSE

SADNESS OVER EVERGREEN TERRACE

We ZOOM in on the above article and see the following text:I quit. I never liked this job. I wanted to breed dogs fora living! If youre looking for me, dont... Is the firstsentence of my new novel, which Im quitting this newspaperto self publish.

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INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - FOYER - DAY

LISA, dressed just like Little Edie is describing her outfitto an unseen Kent Brockman.

LISA

Oh you like it? Its a perfect costume

for this weather. Its a skirt but it

can also become... you know, a cape...

because Ive got pants on under this.

KENT BROCKMAN (O.S.)

Any news on Mayor Quimbys plan to

evict you?

LISA

(NERVOUSLY) Well, well see if he

really follows through with it.

MARGE (O.S.)

Its a raid!

Lisa nervously chuckles.

EXT. EVERGREEN TERRACE - LATER

KENT BROCKMAN stands doing a news report to camera.

KENT BROCKMAN

Kent Brockman here, standing in front

of 742 Evergreen Terrace, which is set

to be demolished today.

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(MORE)

(CONTINUED)


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Once home to the hilarious and lovable

Simpson family, this ramshackle abode

has fallen into disrepair after Marge

Bouvier Simpson and her daughter Lisa

decided to cut loose in a flight of

fancy. I am told a baby is also inside.

Will this house be demolished or will

it be saved? (DRAMATICALLY) Perhaps by

this man?

A full screen photo of Homer appears.

KENT BROCKMAN (CONTD)

Only time will tell. (THEN) Up next,

what do Glenn Frey, a plate of cheddar

cheese, and a novelty hat for dogs have

in common? The answer may surprise you.

INT. BURNS MANSION - OFFICE - DAY

Burns is writing letters with a quill pen and stuffing theminto envelopes. He then passes the envelope to Homer, wholicks it. Homers tongue hangs out of his head due tooveruse. Homer then closes the envelope and passes it toBart who puts a stamp on it.

BART

Ow!

BURNS

Stop it!

BART

But my thumb is killing me.

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CONTINUED:

KENT BROCKMAN (CONT'D)

(CONTINUED)


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BURNS

You should have thought about that

before you took advantage of a kind old

man!

BART

(CONFUSED) What?

BURNS

Me! Im the kind old man!

BART

Oh...

HOMER

Who are you writing all these letters

to anyway?

BURNS

Theyre cease and desists!

HOMER

Wouldnt it be easier to use a

computer?

BURNS

(LAUGHS) No, no. I dont need a

computer. My finger has remained on the

pulse of the world despite that fancy

abacus. (FINISHING A LETTER) Now seal

this letter to Steve Jobs!

HOMER

But my tongue is so dry. I need a

Sludge.

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(CONTINUED)


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39/50

Burns face freezes.

HOMER (CONTD)

Mr. Burns?

BURNS

(BEAT, THEN SNAPS TO IT) Sorry about

that. Just had a stroke I think.

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - KITCHEN - LATER

Marge is chasing a POSSUM around the house with a broom. Sheswats at it and the possum dives through the window,breakingit, and then scurries across Flanders yard.

INT. FLANDERS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - SECONDS BEFORE

ROD and TODD are tying their shoes.

RODD / TODD

Bunny ears, bunny ears, playing by a

tree. Crisscrossed the tree, trying to

catch me. Bunny ears, bunny ears,

jumped into the hole, popped out the

other side and also Jesus died for our

sins.

They high five and the possum CRASHESthrough the window.They scream. Ned stands up.

NED

Dont be alarmed children, thats one

of Gods creatures.

The possum SNARLSin a corner of the house. It looks very,very evil.

NED (CONTD)

(NERVOUSLY) But maybe we should go over

there and talk to Marge.

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Ned looks at the possum and nervously laughs.


Marge is duct taping the hole in the window when Ned pops upin front of her. Marge is totally different, very sluggish.

NED

Hey-diddly-ho there neighborino!

MARGE

Oh hi Ned. How are things?

NED

Well you know, we were actually just

wondering if you had any plans to...

you know, clean up the house?

MARGE

Oh. Maybe later. You know?

NED

Well Marge, I dont know if you got the

paper today or not...

MARGE

Were having Cheetah problems.

NED

Well, you might want to see it.

Ned holds up the newspaper. The headline reads SIMPSONHOUSE TO BE TORN DOWN TODAY

NED (CONTD)

Maybe Homer can do something?

MARGE

(HAVING FORGOT) Homer? (SLOWLY

REMEMBERING) Homer. (BEAT) Homer.

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(MORE)

(CONTINUED)


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(SHAKING HER HEAD, THEN FULLY

REMEMBERING) Homer! (SCREAMS)

Marge looks around.

MARGE (CONTD)

(SHOCKED) What in the world happened to

my home?

Lisa walks into the kitchen eating a banana. She tosses thepeel on the floor.

MARGE (CONTD)

Lisa, we have to find your father! Come

on!

Lisa walks right onto the banana peel she just tossed andfalls down. After a beat Marge, Lisa, Ned, Rodd, and Todd,all start laughing.

MARGE (CONTD)

Its funny because you fell on a

banana!

INT. BURNS MANSION - OFFICE - DAY

Smithers returns with the Sludge. Bart and Homer swarm himand chug down the two cans. They run back to the desk andbegin licking the envelopes again at a much faster pace.Burns looks on excitedly.

BURNS

Excellent. Lets get you two up and

doing some lawn work... then I suppose

youll be a third of the way done

paying me back.

Homer and Bart dont respond.

Page 40

CONTINUED:

MARGE (CONT'D)

(CONTINUED)


42/50

BURNS (CONTD)

Hello? Can you hear me? (WAVING ARMS

AROUND) Hello?

HOMER AND BARTS POV OF BURNS

Burns moves in very, very, slow motion.

BURNS (CONTD)

(SLOW-MO) Hellllloooooooo?

BACK TO NORMAL:

BURNS (CONTD)

Smithers, lets get these boys to the

yard.

EXT. BURNS MANSION - YARD - LATER

Homer and Bart are fast asleep in the yard. Smithers andBurns watch them from the balcony. Smithers is inspecting aSludge drink. The sprinklers turn on.

BURNS

Let me try that.

Smithers hands him the can. Burns takes a sip, which heimmediately spits out.

BURNS (CONTD)

(SPITS) Who owns this monstrosity?

SMITHERS

You do sir.

BURNS

Well its awful, and its ruining my

employees stamina. Shut it down.

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(CONTINUED)


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SMITHERS

Very well sir. Well just go back to

putting our toxic waste in the towns

water supply. Regardless, it was

foolish of us to attempt to create a

beverage empire simply to conceal

nuclear leakage.

BURNS

Yes, but it was probably fun while it

lasted. Now lets get them out of here.

EXT. DOWNTOWN SPRINGFIELD - DAY

Homer and Bart are thrown from Burns limo onto the side ofthe street. Theyre groaning from detox.

HOMER

We have to find Sludge. Were going

through withdrawals.

BART

That shouldnt be hard. They sell it

everywhere.

Bart looks across the street at a Krusty Burger. The PIMPLE-FACED TEEN puts up a sign that says-- OUT OF SLUDGE. Wepan to the Kwik-E-Mart which has a sign that says-- NOMORE SLUDGE. We pan to a boat with a sign that says--THIS IS A BOAT.

HOMER

(ANNOYED GRUNT)

EXT. DOWNTOWN SPRINGFIELD - CONTINUOUS

Marge and Lisa (back to normal) are on a tandem bike. Maggiesits in a basket up front.

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(CONTINUED)


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LISA

They have to be around here somewhere.

MARGE

Keep looking!

LISA

This would have been much easier had

they not taken the car.

They slowly stop pedaling and end up in a long line ofother PEOPLE on tandem bikes.

MARGE

Now what could cause a jam like this?

LISA

Mom, look! Over there!

We pan down the line of bikes to reveal Homer and Bart aresplayed out on the ground causing this whole thing.

Lisa and Marge run to them. Marge wraps her arms aroundHomer and Lisa does the same to Bart. Maggie jumps in themiddle.

MARGE

Oh Homer I missed you so.

LISA

Guys, look, we brought you something

that could help.

Lisa pulls out a SQUISHEE and a DUFF.

LISA (CONTD)

Now I wouldnt normally recommend you

drink these things all the time, but I

know youre going through withdrawal

and

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(CONTINUED)


45/50

Before she can finish Homer and Bart have taken theirrespective beverage and are glugging them down. The colorreturns to their faces.

HOMER

(TO HIS BEER) How could I have ever

betrayed you? I hereby promise to never

drink anything else ever again.

Including water.

MAGGIE

(URGENT SUCKING)

MARGE

Maggie is right! We dont have much

time. Long story short, theyre going

to demolish the house!

HOMER

(SCREAMS) Follow me, to the car I left

somewhere!

EXT. EVERGREEN TERRACE - LATER

MAYOR QUIMBY stands at a podium in front of The Simpsonhouse. Various TOWN FOLK have gathered in front of him.Behind him is a large BULLDOZER.

MAYOR QUIMBY

Citizens of our fair town. I stand

before you today to keep a promise.

REPORTER

Youre going to return that embezzled

money?

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(CONTINUED)


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REPORTER TWO

Youre going to apologize for stealing

my wife?

REPORTER THREE

Youre going to apologize for not

apologizing for those other things you

promised youd apologize for?

MAYOR QUIMBY

Close! I told you it was my duty as

Mayor to keep the streets clean and

also to hold public events. Today I do

both. Behind me is the best bulldozer

money can buy. It cost three hundred

thousand dollars, or, one episode of

FXs LOUIE.

The crowd oohs and aahs.

MAYOR QUIMBY (CONTD)

And now, please welcome, the driver of

the bulldozer and your winner of the

KBBL Wreck Your Neighbors Abode

contest Barney Gumble.

Barney arrives on stage.

MAYOR QUIMBY (CONTD)

Before we get started, do you have any

words for the crowd?

Barney grabs the mic.

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(CONTINUED)


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BARNEY

(BURPS)

MAYOR QUIMBY

Very well. Lets get a-wrecking.

The severely drunk Barney moseys over to the bulldozer andstarts it up. It ROARS to a start. Flames shoot out thefront of it. The blade angles sinisterly. And then it movesforward at an anti-climactic snails pace.

EXT. LARD LAD DONUTS DRIVE THROUGH - CONTINUOUS

The Simpson family is at the drive through window. AnEMPLOYEE hands homer a bag of donuts.

INT. SIMPSON CAR - CONTINUOUS

HOMER

Thank you.

MARGE

Homer! We dont have time! Theyre

going to tear the house down.

HOMER

Oh. Right.

Homer steps on the gas and they peel out.

EXT. EVERGREEN TERRACE - MOMENTS LATER

The bulldozer is just inches away from hitting The Simpsonhouse. In a flash, the Simpson Car flies through the crowdof people, takes out the stage, and stops right in front ofthe house.

HOMER

(SCREAMS) Wait!

The bulldozer stops. Homer has the crowds attention.

CROWD

Oh wow / Whats happening / I forgot

what we were doing

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HOMER

Please! This is our home. (SINCERE) I

dont know what happened here, I was

only gone for two days, but if theres

one thing I do know, its that I love

my house and Ill do anything to

protect it.

MAYOR QUIMBY

Alright, everyone calm down! Now listen

here. You have thirty seconds to clean

this mess up, or you lose the house.

That seems to be the most entertaining

way to wrap this whole thing up. Sound

good?

THE SIMPSONS

Yes!

MAYOR QUIMBY

On your marks, get set, CLEAN!

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

Marge is vacuuming the floors, which have such a thick layerof dust on them that as she moves back and forth she sinksfurther and further down towards the actual floor.


Homer is eating all the expired food in the refrigerator.Lisa is doing dishes.

LISA

Great work dad! Thanks for helping.

HOMER

(COVERING) Yes... Helping.

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INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - BATHROOM

Bart is flushing all the medicine, dental care, and soapproducts down the toilet.

EXT. EVERGREEN TERRACE - THIRTY SECONDS LATER

Outside, the house glistens. Completely spotless. TheSimpson family stands proudly in front of it.

MAYOR QUIMBY

Alright Simpsons. Looks like youve

saved your house this time. But Ill

get you soon enough...

LISA

Why would you want to get us?

MAYOR QUIMBY

It just seemed like something I should

say. Alright, this event is over.

The crowd shuffles away, leaving The Simpson family alone.

HOMER

Marge, Im sorry we got addicted to

Sludge. Ill never pick a beverage over

my wife ever again.

MARGE

And Im sorry I almost cost us our

house. I guess without you to care for,

I just dont know what to do with

myself.

We reveal Homer is drinking a beer and not listening.

HOMER

Huh? Whatd you say?

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MARGE

Oh Homer. I love you.

HOMER

I love you too Marge.

They all hug each other.

FADE OUT:

THE END

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simpsons spec

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