selection from daniel paul schrebers memoirs_redacted
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9
Transfer to Sonnensen
Changes in the conac
with rays Te wrng
down-sysem"; IITyng_
to-celesal boies"
ONE F DA Y aftr a oal sta of 14 das was akn
from Dr Pirsons Asum th Dvils Ktchn to his
Counr Aslum Sonnnsin nar PirnaI lar larnt tha it
was on th 29th of Jun 19 1 do not know h rasons for m
transfr; a h tim flt 1 had to connct it with th rmn-
dous incrasd influnc of vn Ws soul durin th as das
of m sa in th Dvils Kitchn which had to b countr
balancd in som wa. had a warm bah bfor lfth
onl on in Dr Pirsons Aslum thn travld b cab as on
m wa hr} accompanid b th Count Court andant
o Coswi Staion; havn drunk a cup of coff thr I rav
ld b rain via Drsdn o Pirna wthout lavn th carria
h human forms saw durin th journ and on th pat-
form in Drsdn took o b linimprovisdmn pro-
ducd b miracl; I dd not pa an particular atnion o
hm bcaus vn thn I was tird of all miracls was
srnthnd n m attitud b wha th voics said; Fchsis
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M M R S
ou ue an exreon ha nene of foe re-
en hrouh whch we were uoe o hae raee From
Prna Saon I raele n a cab on a raher bum roa u o
h Aum. More han a ear elae before I realze ha I
ha been brouh o Prna an o Sonnenen when on one of
he er few occaon I ha acce o he Mueum com-monroom of he Alum I aw cure of earler Kn of
Saxon on he wal When I r arre he oce cale he
lace he el Cae I ll occu he ame room wa
en hennumber 28 on he r floor of he lbe wn wh
an aonn beroom A few me emorarl ha a fferen
lnroom becaue of ome aleraon an ecoraon; he
beroom ene for me howeera wll menon aan
aer no ue for abou wo ear bu le n ae
cel arcularl number 97 of he roun wn on he ounfoor In conra o he farl eleanl furnhe Alum of
r. Peron he room ruck me a raher oor a r I alo
wh o menon ha for abou a ear I no hae he ew
from m wnow whch now offer elf freel o me oer he
whole Elbe Valle here were ome ene chenu ree
nce fele whch a he me obruce he ew amo
comleel o ha een b lookn ou of he wnow I coul
no learn anhn of wha wen on n he oue worl
I can e he me of m a a Sonnenen no wo
ero of whch he r on he whole ll reane ha er
ou ho an omeme aweome qua whch characere
m lfe n he laer ar of m a n Fech Aum an
58. /Amgt he fl [Eglh the ga] wa Fehg' ' ave
epe "amg the fleetgmpveme" flwg t tee
we efeg t peatual matte t eplae he a laguage me
meg a theee almt icu em Tu al ke t
peak f a "ppe f lgttelegaph t cate the muual atact a
a eve
r
1 1 6L .
e oeen
n r Peron Aum n conrancon he econ ero
mere rauall more an more no ornar no o a ul-
ar channel he r ero lae abou a ear; he econ
ero connue moe of lae onl b becomn le u
ar n ome reec n he r ero he mracle were ll
errfn an hreaenn n her bo an menal effec oha for a lon me I wa mo eroul concerne for m lfe
m manlne an aer m reaon; n he econ erona-
ural er rauall an no whou ome e backhe
mracle became ncreanl harmle no o a enele
an chh ahouh o ome exen l reunan
In he r ero wa l connce ha wa ealn
no wh real human ben bu eenmroemen
l canno ee ha h wa an error on m ar; from wha
I exerence a he me an ll exerence al I muraher leae oen he obl ha wa rh; n oher
wor he ocalle lawhhumanben ha onl au
al chane o ha ae n whch nw egaded om out-
side, woul aear ha mankn ha no chane In orer
o make h ea whch har o uneran an no een
comeel clear o me omewha comrehenble mu
r e an accoun of he conon of m exernal enron-
men urn he r ear of m a n h Alum Of he
ocor of he Alum I o o know he Suernenen of he
Alum r Weber an h aan r R., a r on n
eron an no b name on he er r a urn a hca
examnaon n he bahroom on he roun floor when a
ehocoe wa ue; I on earn her name b chance a
he en of a ear or more I hae nce recee al
from hee enlemen; aar from hem onl occaonall
w he enor aenan R an a few aenan M h
59F th ea I kept amt tal ece
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E I S
an Sch who has sinc lft M. was th attnant particularl
char with m car
Othr patints i not sm to xist in th Asum at th
tim; at last on th corrior which inhabit whr thr
wr nin rooms I i not notic an; onl aftr som tim
ha laps i I notic on patint arss as PrincJ . sk an a scon as Mr B. th lattr particuarl
throuh his plain th violin vn urin m ail walks in
th arn of th Aslum with two or thr attnants th
abovmntion was always alone urin th rst months;
at that tim thr was nothin to b sn of th lar numbr
of othr patints of whom I now s up to 0 an 100 with m
in th arn h voics call th attnants rascals com-
par footnot 56 must assum that th ha th proprtis
of fltinimprovismn an thrfor wr rall sousbcaus th kpt up nrvcontact with m in which fr
untl har from thm xprssions blonin to th basic
lanua I har phrass particularl from th attnant Sch
which in th basic lanua srv to xprss astonishmnt
Goo Havns an Hail an hunrnot alou but in
th nrvlanua whil h prsonal was in anothr room
At tims M an Sch. unloa into m bo a part of thir
bois in th form of a fou mass in orr to rmov thm
slvs; M rpatl plac himsf into m arm as a so
call lar nrv a lllik mass about th si of a
chrr throuh which in a crtain sns h participat in m
thinkin an m snsations lik th othr ras or nrvs h
rascals in thir capacit as souls wr sai to hav th ift
of miracls; at crtain spcial vnts thr was tak of rascals
miracls throuh which ths wr sai to hav com about.
M wif visit m at Sonnnstin at onish intrvals
probabl of a fw months I was ptri whn I saw hr th
rst tim ntrin m room on such a visit; I ha lon bliv
sh was no mor amon th ivin his bif was bas on
r "
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anse Snne nse n
vr nit vincas also in th cas of othr human b-
insso that m wifs rapparanc rmains an unsov ri
l to this a rpatl ha th nrvs blonin to m
wifs soul in m bo or flt thm approachin m bo from
outsihr aain th crtaint of m mmor lavs no
room for oubt about th obctiv rait of th vnt hssoul parts wr ll with th vot ov which m wif
has alwas shown m; th wr th onl souls who show
willinnss to rnounc thir own furthr xistnc an n
thir n in m bo xprssin it in th basic lanua as
lt m
Whn m wif visit m in prson at Sonnnstin I bliv
for a lon tim that sh was onl fltinimprovis for
th occasion; an that sh woul thrfor issolv prhaps
vn on th stairs or rctl aftr lavin th Aslum. It wassai that hr nrvs woul b ncapsulat aain aftr vr
visit. On on of hr visitsprobab on m birtha in 19
m wif brouht m a pom which rprouc hr wor for
wor bcaus it ma such a p imprssion on m at th
tim. t wnt as follows
r tru pac can mbrac ou
Gos still an silnt pac
h pac lif nvr ivth
Nor worl os bnath
t ns Gos arm must strik
A blow an woun ou p
So that ou cr Hav mrc
o hav mrc on m as;
60 Th po cou b , gammaca comp h foowg
wo: "L mou a a g o p m backo m foow
pow of aco of m huba' ve 1 am ppa o ov m hu-
ba bo"
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M
nd a cr m rn
Rn from or ol
And darkn b wihn o
A or h world' r da.
I nd ha crhin an
M wholl vanih oAnd no a lon ar b lf
n or oor wrchd ol
And whn o'v don wih win
And war ar o war
Thn com o o a aihf
od ll and iln ac.
Thi om b an nknown ahor mad ch a inar
imron on m bca h hra "od ac" which r-
cr n i the expresion used in he asc laguage fo sleep
poduced y ays which hard innmrabl m bor and
inc A h im I cold hardl blv ha hi wa mr co
ncdnc
Drn h r wk o m a a Sonnnin n arl
Jl 19) crain chan occrrd boh in m onandin
nrv commnicaion wih ra and clol rad wh i in
h havnl condion; h m o hav bn of fnda-
mna imoranc for h whol rod of m which ha
nc ad Aain i xrml dificl o dcrib hchan in word bca mar ar dal wh which lack all
analo n hman xrinc and which I arcad di-
rcl on n ar wh m mind n ar onl b hir
61. I use ere e expresson "seeng e mnds eye I used before
{Caper 8, p 109 beause I anno nd a more suable one n our uman an
guage We are sed o kng al mpressons e reeve from e oe old are
medaed og e Rve seses, parulary a all lg and sound sensaos
are medaed roug eye and ear s may be orre n norma rumsaes
120L
fe e
ffc o ha I ma hav formd b an aroxma cr
In h rvio char i wa rlad ha h nmbr of
"d" ol and ol ar rn n h k had ncrad
markdl hroh oldiviion Amon h o Flch'
whch had for a im raind a far roorion of hman n
llinc in vir of h z o i wo man form (a "-rior Flchi" and a "middl Flchi") wa l rominn
in h cor of ar howvr rorivl o nlli
nc o ha now hardl a rac o awarn of own idn-
i rman. For m ar wa alwa d b h dr o
draw h o and o ar o mlf and o lmal
o ca hr dolion I ard rom h rfcl ond
oiion ha whn all "d" or mr ol had bn
mnad rom hir oion of ocald mddl nanc
bwn mf and od' omnionc a olion o h
conlc in cononanc wh h Ordr of h World wod fol-
ow aomaicall ihr a cr b a com calmin o
m nrv hroh l ora obl I lar conidrd
nmannin n cononanc wh h Ordr of h World wih
h o of crain nw hman bin Th "d"
o howvr wr od onl b h oo ndavor
naml o ar hmlv in hr rd havn oi-
ion whch av hm h if of miracl whnvr h cam
clor h rid o wihdraw aain b hin ohr ol or
o ar in rn ino h orrondOn nihrha h orh or fh afr m arrival a
Hoeve n e ase o a uman beng o lke myself as enered o oa
rays ad ose ead s n onseuene so o speak lumnaed by rays s
s o a. I reeve lg ad sound sensaos ae projeed dre on o myinnerervous sysem by e rays for er reepon e exernal organs of seengand earng are o neessay I see s evens even eyes losed and ere
soud s oere ould ear em as n e ase of e "voes, even f ere
possble o seal my ears emealy agans all oer sounds
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I
onnnstinI succdd with immens menta effort in tem
porari dawin down to msf a mpur (testd sous; it
wod on have euird a thoouh covrin with ras for
m recov throuh on nvereston seep and wth t th
disapparance of the impur sous Unfortnate one coud
not decide to adopt this cours for th rason mentioned prvious In conseuence Fechsis sou took spcia masrs to
excd th rcurrnce of sch a daner to its xstnc and to
that of oth mpur sos It rsortd to mechanica faening
as an pdient; a techniu of which I was on ab to et a
rouh ida his mechanica fastenin rst occurrd in a ooser
form cad tntoras, whee the word ras sems to
have been usd in a spcia sns which I did not fu undr
stand can on describ th pictu I saw with m minds
ee Accordin to this th sous hun on a kind of bund ofrods ike th fascs of th Roman Lictors, but in such a man
nr that the rods sprad ot bow ike a cone, whi th
nrvs of the sous w tid fast around th upper points
When this oosr form of fastenin smd not to afford suff
cint defens aanst m powr of attraction and th danr of
dssovin in m bod a mor rsstant fom was chosn
whch was cad tintocestiabodis As th expres
sion dnotes a tin to som distant stars occurrd whch
fom thn on excuded th possibiit of a compet dissou
tion in m bod n conseunce of m powr of attraction; onth contra wthdawa was safeuarded throuh th mechan
ica fastnin so stabished Whn the midde Fechsi usd
this form of fastnn for the st tim it was fet n ods
reams that behavior so contra to the Ord of th Word
coud not b toratd he mdd chs was thrfor
forced to unte hmsf aan ut whn the expriment was
atr rpeatd thr was no oner sufficint ene fo such
measrs th tin was prmttd n whch not on a other
chs sou parts particpated bt aso th sous in thir
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Tase Sne st ei
tain, partcar that of v W and na ods omnipotnce
tsf In this wa tintocestiabodies bcame a pema
nnt institution contnuin to the prsnt da and d to fur
the conseuences particua the witindownsstm,
now to be dscribd I eaie that such a conception, accordin
to which on must think of m bod on ou arth as connctdto oth stars b stetched out nrves is amost incompehen
sibe to other pope considerin the immense distances in
vovd; fo m howvr as a rsut of m dai experiencs ovr
the ast six as ther can b no dobt as to th obctive ea
it of ths ration
he mentioned witindownsstem is extaordinar dif
cut to epain to oth pop vn vau hat it xsts is
overwhmin provd to me da aft da; t t bons
even for me to th ream of the unfathomab because th ob
ective it pusues must be reconied b a who know hman
natu as somethin in itsf unattainab t s obvious a
stopap masur and it is difficut to dcid whether it ases
from a wron that is contra to the Order of the Word intnt
or from faut rasonin
Book o ohe noe ae kept in which for as hav ben
writtendown a m thouhts a m phrass a m ncs
saris, a the artcs n m possssion or around me, a
persons with whom I come into contact etc I cannot sa
with cetaint who dos the wrtin down As I cannot ima
ine ods omnipotnc acks a nteience, I pesum that
the writindown is done b ceatures iven human shape
on distant cestia bodies aftr th mannr of the fetin
impovisdmn, bt ackin a nteience; their hands are
ed automatca, as it wr, b passin ras for th pupos of
makin thm witdown so that ater ras can aain ook at
what has ben writtn
o iuminat the purpose of ths who sstem I must en
ar futhe A th attacks mad ovr th ars, on m f,
,
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O I
m bodi itit, m mal ad m ao, w ad
til a bad o th am ida: to withdaw aai a fa a
poib fom th pow of attactio of m ovxcitd
v, which fa upa athi that ha v xitd b
fo o that d o at t coidd m unmanning, appa
tl i coitio of th fudamta tdc of th Odof th Wod Chapt hi wa ot umai aimd
at wi maid i cooac with Wod Od, but
ol a itdd iult, fo i a pcuia wa it wa imaid,
o phap wihfull thouht, that a umad bod would
lo it pow of attactio fo th a Ya aft m aiva
at oti, th ida of umai till appad, if I ma
o xp mlf, i th mid of th oul mall pat of
Flchi oul which w ditat, ad thfo ot i co-
tact with m v fo uit om tim, ud patdl to
xclaim a if atohd h ot umad t? od a
futl mocd m about a uppodl immit uma-
i a Mi chb i Elih i th oiial] a xp-
io ud futl ad patd ad ausea m wa You a
to b represeted a iv to voluptuou xc tc I m
lf flt th da of umai fo a lo tim a a that-
i iom, pcial whil th wa th poibilit of m
bod bi xuall abud b oth popl
Fo ov a a thfo th fma v, o v of
vouptuou, which had ptatd m bod i at ma,
62. Th ti "rprtigU ht i t f givg t thig r pr
emblc ifer fm it rl ture (xpr i hm tm "f fli
ig" pl t p t le gell i he f l I th vi
t w iml tim lr cci Yu b rprt
cffr r mb wh h cmmite ul murr (cmpr bv
Chpter 2, p. 34 c hk h relt t hvig rue l uwr
imprei th vig hum ig t r which h cm i rve-
ctct with hum big hvig evr "ight" (wil f onl a
sngle (mmr) imprei O i thi w cI
cmprh th tl
r
124 .
fr to S i .
could ot ai a ifluc o m bhavio o o m wa of
thii I uppd v fmii impul b xti m
of mal hoo ad alo b th holi of m liiou
ida, which occupid m almot xcluivl dd I all
bcam awa of th pc of fmal v ol wh th
w aticiall t i vbatio b a o ctai occaio oa to poduc a atio of tmidit ad to pt m
a a huma bi tmbli with fmii axit O th
oth had m wll pow could ot pvt th occuc,
paticulal wh li i bd, of a atio of voluptuou-
whch a ocald oulvoluptuou xtd a i-
cad pow of attactio o th a thi xpio ud b
th oul mat a voluptuou uffict fo oul but fl
b huma bi ol a al bodil wllbi without al
xual xcitmt Compa Chapt 7 towad th d
With thi phomo bcomi icai maift i
th cou of tim, od miht hav bcom awa that u-
ma wa ot a wa of "fsakig m, that i of fi
Himlf aai fom th pow of attactio of m v Fom
thi th ida ao to tai m o th maculi id, but
aai ud baicall fal ptot i od to to
m halth, but to dto m ao o to ma m dmd
Aai o pad o atttio to th fact that th v, v of
a dmtd huma bi, would i a tat of hihl pathooi
cal xcitmt tai thi pow of attactiopovidd, of
ibilit turt livig m rgim f which I wil lter brg mr
rkg prf Oe m herfre hve tre t perue li th cmi
i which G' mipce f l hrugh th xtece lchig'
"tete" lth f bie impreonf hum beg ifrt fm
hi rl u w th l b pbl treat him ccrig thi m
pe h whl hg mt thr cpt qe l i
pctc ; r hm bg tr h lw i h cl bhvir, pric
ulr i he (hm) lguge, he m tblhig h re ur gi
ee "prtg"
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cuse, that they wee still genealy capable sensatin as
pan, uptuusness hunge cd, etc. Incessantly theee,
day ate day and hu ate hu, pisn cpses and the
putd matte which the ays caied was heaped upn my
bdy, in the beie that it wuld be pssibe in this way t su
cate me eentually and in paticula t b me my easn.n the net chapte I wl elate what tempay damage was
thus wught n my bdy n a mst theatening manne.
I hae easn t assume that the psn cpses the
putid matte was taken m the same celestial bdies t
which the ays had been tied, and whee they wee packed as t
wee wth it saked it up in passing. Sme the ays had
been gen the shape miacled bids abut which shall
hae me t say late t became appaent that the tested sus
which wee stll in heaen and what had emained the estwhile ecuts heaen, which ne had kept in esee in
de t be able t take euge behind them had in the cuse
time ttally lst the ntelligence, that s t say they had n
thuts thei wn let On the the hand it seems t lie in
the natue ays that they must speak as sn as they ae n
mtin; the eleant law was epessed n the phase d nt
get that ays must speak, and this was spken nt my
nees innumeable times patcualy eay n. But in act
yeas lackng thei wn thughts, they hae spken nthng
but thei wn miacles asely attbuting ea them t my
nees ( instance, nly my nges wee nt paalyzed,
nly miacles wud nt aect my kneecap uthe
eeything I was abut t d was cused ( instance, I nly
the cused pianplaying wuld cease as sn as I sit dwn at
the pan een I nly the cused cleaning nails wuld
cease, as sn as I stat cleanng my nais) Oe and abe this
ne has the bundess impudenceI can use n the epes
sint demand that I shuld epess this alsied nnsense
in spken wds as i it wee my wn thughts, in ths ashin
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1 J
Tr to oee
I nly the cused pianplaying wuld cease was llwed by
the questin Why dnt yu say it alud ? and this again was
llwed by the alsied answe Because I am stupid pehaps,
again Because I am ightened M M. (cmpae tnte
26, Chapte 5). Natually thee ae nw als pauses in whch
thee is nthng t ept miacles diected aganst my pesn,n any denite thught eslutin t undetake ths
that ccupatin which the ays, being able to ead my houhs,
can ecgnize; in the wds, when indulge in thinking
nthing paticulaly at night when seep in daytime when
I tempaily est walk abut in the gaden wthut thinking,
etc. he witingdwnmateial, mainly my peius thughts
besides a ew cnstantly ecuing addtins me less
senseless and patly ensie phases ulga tems abuse,
etc., sees t ll in these pauses that is t say t gie the ayssmething t talk abut een duing these pauses. will pe
haps append an anthlgy these phases t the pesent essay
in de t gie the eade at east sme inkling the nn
sense my nees hae yeas had t put up with.
he ensie phases and abusie wds see the paticula
pupse inciting me t talk alud and s t make sleep m
pssible at the ppe times the whle plicy suls cu
minates in the peentin sleep and suluptuusness;
but the aim the whle picy emains ttally bscue. The
witingdwn als sees as anthe peculia tick whch again
is based n a ttal misundestandng human thinking. t
was belieed that my ste thughts culd be ehausted by
beng wittendwn, s that eentually the time wuld cme
when new ideas culd n lnge appea in me this cuse is
quite absud because human thinkng is inehaustible
instance eading a bk a newspape always stimulates
new thughts. his was the tick as sn as an idea I had
had bee and which was (aleady wttendwn ecued
such a ecuence is cuse quite unaidable in the case
.
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40
1 1
Body negrty damagd
by miaces
F R O M T H E F I R 5 beginnings o my contact with G od up
to the pesent day my body has continuously been the object o
diine miacles. I wanted to descibe all these miacles in de
tai could ll a whoe book with them alone may say that
hadly a single limb o ogan in my body escaped beng tem
poaily damaged by miacles, no a single muscle being plled
by miaces, eithe moing o paalyzing it accoding to the e
spectie pupose. en now the miacles which expeience
houly ae still o a natue as to ighten eey othe human be
ing to death; only by getting used to them though the yeas
hae been abe to dsegad most o what happens as tiiai
ties. But in the st yea o my stay at Sonnenstein the ma
cles wee o such a theatening natue that thought had to
ea amost incessantly o my lie, my health o my eason
n itsel a state o aais must be consideed contay to the
Ode o the Wold in which the ays see mainly to inlict
damage on the body o a single human being o to play ticks
with the obects with which he is occupiedsch hamess
miacles hae become paticlay eqent lattely. o ays
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hae the task of ceating not ust of destoying o playing
chldish panks ence all miacles diected against me fal in
he ong run in thei pupose what has been destoyed o dam-
aged by impue ays must always ate be built up o mended
again by pue ays compae aboe Chapte 7 footnote 48. But
this does not exclude that emporriy most seious damage iscaused and ey painfu conditions aise giing the impession
of exteme dange.
Most neay in consonance wth the Ode of the Wod wee
those miacles which wee somehow connected with a pocess
of unmannng to be caied out on my body. To them belonged
especially the aious changes in my sex orgn: seeal times
paticulaly n bed) thee wee maked indications of an actual
etaction of the male ogan fequently howee, paticulay
when mainly impue ays wee inoled, of a softening ap-poaching amost complete dissoution futhe the emoal by
miacles of single hirs fom my berd and paticulaly my
mushe; naly a hnge in my whoe sure diminuton of
body siepobaby due to a contaction of the etebae and
possibly of my thigh bones The lastmentioned miacle whch
emanated fom the owe God Aman, was always accompa-
ned by him with the announcement I wonde whethe to
make yo somewhat smalle"; I mysel had the impession
that my body had become smalle by about 68 cms, that s to
say appoximating the se of the female body
he miacles enacted against the ogans of the thoacic and
abdominal caities wee ey mutifaious. know least about
those concening the her; I only emembe that I once had a
diffeent heatstil duing my stay in the Uniesity Clinic
68 Th, a dd h whol rpor aot th mracl actd o my ody, wil
arally od xtrmy tag to a othr huma g ad o may i-
cd to it oJy th product of a pathologically vivd magiaio I rpy I
ca oly gv th aurac hat hardly ay mmoy from my f mo crtai
142
Bl ngty amagd
of Leipig. On the othe hand my ungs wee fo a long time
the object of iolent and ey theatening attacks. By natue
my lungs and chest ae ey healthy but my lungs wee so af-
fected by macles that fo a time I seiously beieed I had to
fea a fata outcome n consequence of pulmonay phthisis.
A "lung wom was fequenty poduced in me by maces Icannot say whethe it was an animalike being o a soulike
ceatue; I can only say that ts appeaance was connected with
a bting pan in the lungs smila to the pans magine occu
in inflammation of the lungs. The lobes of my lungs wee at
tmes almost completely absobed, I cannot say whethe as the
esult of the actity of the lung wom alone o also because of
miacles of a diffeent kind I had the denite feeling that my
diaphagm was aised high n my chest to almost diectly un-
de my laynx and that thee emained only a small emnant oflung n between with which cold hady beathe Thee wee
days when duing my walks in the gaden I had to econque
my lungs anew wth eey beath. o the pat which is so
miaculous s that the ays cannot but funish a suffeing body
with whatee s most essential fo its peseation, because to
ceate is thei essence and natue
At about the same time some of my ribs wee sometimes
tempoay smashed always with the esult that what had been
destoyed was efomed afte a time One of the most hoify-
ing miaces was the socalled ompressionof-hehesmir1e,
which I endued at least seeal doen times; it consisted in
the whole chest wal being compessed, so that the state of op-
pession caused by the lack of beath was tansmitted to my
tha th mracl rcotd thi chapt What ca mor dit for a hu-
ma ig tha what h ha lvd hrogh ad f o h ow ody? Small m-
tak amg h oga volvd may hav occurd a my aatomcal
kowdg atraly oly hat of a laymaj t grally I thi hav achvd
accacy v i that
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M M R S
wh bdy Th cpssinfthchstic cud
svl tis in lt ys; but ik th th ics d
scibd h it blngs inly t th scnd hf f th y
1894 nd phps th st hf f th y 1895.
Cncning th stomch ldy duing y sty i n lch-
sigs Asylu th Vinns nv spciist nd in hpt icuusly pducd in plc f y hlthy ntu stch
vy infi scld ws stch Lt f ti th
icls w in pfnc dictd ginst y stch pty
bcus th sus bgudgd th snsul plsu cn
nctd with th tking f fd ptly bcus thy cnsidd
thsvs supi t hun bings wh qui thly
nuishnts; thy thf tndd t k dwn n l t
ing nd dinking with s disdin. xistd fquntly
withut stch; xpssy td th ttndnt M., s hy b tht culd nt t bcus hd n stch.
Stis iditly bf ls stch ws s t spk
pducd hoc by icls. his ws dn pticuly by
vn W.s sul, which in t st s f its fs stis
shwd findy spiit twds . tuly this nv
lstd lng; th stch which hd bn pducd by icls
in ny cs nly n infi stch ws usuly vd
gin iculusly by v. W's sul duing th l bcus f
chng f ind"; gt chngbility is kd ftu f
th suchct, bslutly divin ys phps xcludd.
d nd dink tn siply pud int th bdin cvity
nd int th thighs pcss which hwv unblivbl it
y sund, ws bynd l dubt f s distinctly -
b th snstin
n th cs f ny th hun bing this wud hv
69 I was the same feeling which, for instance, made he Comandatore in Don
Giovai when he appears to the latter as a departed spiit, refuse the proffered
meal with the words: "Kow hat I abhor al earthly food, etc
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L .
Body try amad
sutd in ntul pus ftin with n invitby ft ut
c; but th fd pulp culd nt dg y bdy bcus
l ipu tt in it ws skd up gin by th ys Lt
thf ptdly wnt hd with ting unptubd
withut hing stch; ll in ll gdully gt usd t
gding vything which hppnd in y bdy with cpltquniity Evn nw cnvincd tht iun t
ll ntul diss infuncs; diss gs nly is in
thugh ys nd vd gin in th s wy by ys
ndd dubt vy uch whth t l t s lng
s th cunictin with ys lsts f instnc think
culd tk th stngst pisn withut pticu dng t
y lif nd y hlth Aft ll wht cn pisns d but d-
sty s iptnt gns hv dstuctiv ffct n
th bld? Bth hv hppnd t innub tis
thugh ys withut ny pnnt ill ffct.
Of th intnl gns will ny ntin th gullet nd
th intestines which w tn vnishd ptdly fu-
th th phynx which pty t up svl tis nly
th semnl co ginst which vy pinful icls w
dictd with th pticul pups f suppssing th sn
stin f vluptuusnss ising in y bdy. ust futh
70 I need hardly say that this is purely hypohetial speulation, and that I have
ot the east intetio o atuay ang out suh experimens on my body
whch, f nohing else, would etaily ause me sevee pain.
71 The corecness o my assetio that I have so to speak become invulnerable,
is evidenced by the fac tha whle was well I used to sufer severa times every
witer fom a heavy cod whch lased a numbe of days; during the 6 years of my
stay here I have hardly ever had a real od at all Shold a catarrhal inammaion
of the mucous membrae of he nose-whih is he essence of a cold-tend to de
veop, rays woud immediately shoo to the dseased part of my body in such
numbers that the cold would e sted in is very begnnngs
72. agerous obstrction of my gut was also repeatedy produed y males,
whih was however mostly esoved agan, usually after a shor time
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I S
mention a miracle which aected my whole abdomen, the
socalled purefcn f he bdmen. his miracle orginated
regularly rom on Ws sol in one o its most impre shapes
in contrast to other parts o on Ws soulhence the name
abdominal putreaction o on W It threw the putrid matter
which cased the abdomina ptreaction into my belly withsch rthlessness that more than once I beleed I wold hae
to rot alie and the rotten smell escaped rom my mouth in a
most disgustng manner Von W's so assmed that the ab
dominal putreaction would be remoed agan by Gods rays
this happened throgh rays o a particular kind adapted to ths
ppose which pshed their way into my intestines like a
wedge and absorbed their putrid content Gods rays appeared
to act rom the instinctie knowledge that it wold be most
distastel or them to hae to allow themsees to be attracted by a rotting body his notion was expressed repeatedy
n the slogan that i I were to be orsaken, I should be orsaken
with a pure body; bt natraly this notion too sered rom
the sual obscrty, as apparently one was not at al clear how
the neres o a orsaken body wold lose their power o at
tracton hose miracles aways appeared most threatenng to
me which were n one way or another directed against my rea
son hese concerned rstly my hed secondly during a cer
tain periodo probably seeral weeks round the autmn o
894aso the spnl crd, which next to the head was consid-
ered as the seat o reason One thereore attempted to pump
the spinal cord out, which was done by socalled lttle men
placed in my eet Later I will hae more to say about these
little men whch hae some simlarity to the phenomenon
o the same name which discussed n Chapter 6 as a rle
there were two o them a little echsig and a ittle on
W whose oices cold also hear in my eet he eect o
the pmping ot was that the spinal cord let my mouth in
considerable qantity in the orm o little couds partclarly
"
46
Bodly negy damage
when I was walking in the garden One can magine the appre
henson with which such eents lled me, as I did not then
know whether or not any part o my reason would thus in act
anish into the air he miracles directed against my hed nd
he nees f my hed happened in maniod ways One at
tempted to pull the nees out o my head, or a tme eendrng the nights to transplant them into the head o M who
slept in the next room hese attempts cased besides the ear
o an actual loss o my neres) an npeasant tension in my head
Howeer the pulling out succeeded only moderatey, the stay
ing power o my nees proed the greater orce and the hal
pulledout neres always returned to my head ater a short
time Serios deastation was caused in my head by the so
caled lights o rays a phenomenon dicult to describe the
eect o which was that my skull was repeatedly sawn asunderin arious directions reqently hadand still hae reglarly
dalythe sensation that my whole skll had temporarily
thnned in my opnion this was brought about through the
bony materal o my skll being partly puleried by the de
strcte action o the rays; bt it is restored again by pre rays
particarly dring seep One can orm some picture o the
disagreeable sensations these happenings cause i one consid
ers that these are the rays o a whoe worldsomehow mechan
caly astened at their point o issuewhich trael aound one
single head and attempt to tear t asunder and pull it apart in a
ashion comparable to quartering
rther, in the tme I am discussing attempts were repeat
edly made to coer my neres with some noxios matter it ap
peared as the natural capacity o neres to brate were
thereby really mpaired, so that een I mysel had at tmes the
impresson o becoming temporarily stpid One o the agents
concerned was called poison o intoxcation I cannot say
what its chemical natre was rom tme to time also the liq
uids o the ood I had taken were by mracle placed on the
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E I S
ns my ad, s tat ts w cd wit a st
past, and t capacity t tink tmpaiy impaid;
mmb distinctly tat tis appnd nc wit c
All my muscles w and stil a) t bjct miacls
t purps pnting all mmnts and y ccupatin
am abut t undtak instanc attmpts a mad tpaaly my ngs wn play t pian wit, and t
caus sm damag t my kncap t mak macing imps
sibl wn walk abut in t gadn in t cid atly
t ct as mstly bn ny t mak suc ccupatins di
cult caus nly mdat pain n waking
My eyes and t muscles of he ls wic s t pn
and cls tm w an almst unintuptd tagt mia
cls T ys w aways paticula imptanc, bcaus
ays ls t dstucti pw wit wic ty a quippd
at a latily st tim as sn as ty see smethng, and
tn nt my bdy witut causing damag bjct sn
can b it isual y) impssins, wic a cmmuni
catd t t ays wn my ys a pn imags wic
can caus at will n my inn nus systm by imaginatin,
s tat ty bcm isib t t ays sall tun t ts
nts wic in t sullanguag a calld t "pcturng
uman bings, in ant cntxt H will nly mntin
tat attmpts w mad ay n and kpt up tugut t
past yas, t cls my ys against my will, s as t b m isual impssins and tus ps t ays' dstucti
pw is pnmnn can b bsd n m at almst
y mmnt; w watcs caully wil bs tat
my ylids suddnly dp cls n wil am talking t
t ppl; tis n ccus in uman bings und natual
cnditins n d t kp my ys pn ntlss, a gat
t will is ndd; but as am nt always paticulaly in
tstd in ping my ys pn alw tm t b clsd
tmpaily at tims
48L
Body egy amaged
Duing my st mnts t miacls n my ys w
pmd by littl mn y simia t ts mntind
wn dscibing t miacl dictd against my spinal cd
Ts littl mn w n t mst makabl and n
t m mst mystius pnmna; but a n dubt wat
in t bjcti ality ts appnings, as saw tslittl mn innumabl tims wit my minds y and ad
ti ics T makabl ting abut it was tat suls
ti singl ns culd in ctain cnditins and paticu
la pupss assum t m tiny uman saps as mn
tind ai nly a w millimts in si), and as suc
mad misci n all pats my bdy, bt insid and n
t suac Ts ccupid wit t pning and clsing
t ys std ab t ys in t ybws and t
puld t yids up dwn as ty plasd wit n l
amnts ik cbwbs H t ts cncnd w usually
a littl lcsig and a littl W and smtims in addi
tin ant littl man, w ad iginatd m Danil
ctgtt lcsigs sul wic still xistd at tat tim
Wn swd signs bing unwilling t allw my y
lids t b puld up and dwn and actualy ppsd it, t it
t mn bcam annyd and xpssd tis by calling m
wtc; i wipd tm my ys wit a spng, it was
cnsidd by t ays as a st cim against Gd's git
miacs By t way, wiping tm away ad nly a ytmpay ct, bcaus t littl mn w ac tim st
dwn as Ot littl mn w assmbld almst
cntinuusy n my ad in gat numb Ty w calld
littl dils Ty litally walkd aund n my ad,
73. Of ouse one can n see wth he bdly ee wha goes on nse one's own
bo, no on etan pas of s suface fo nstance on the op of he hea o on
te back, bas n m caseone can see with one's mnd eye, as te nees
sa llumnaton of h nne nevous ssem s pove b as.
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M E M O I R S
cuiously nosing about to see whethe any new destuction
had been caused on my head by macles n a way they een
patook of my meals, helpng themseles to a pat, though nat
ually only a tiny pat of the food I ate t made them appea
tempoaly somewhat swollen but also less actie and less de-
stuctie in thei intentions Some of the "little deils" patcipated in a miacle which was often enacted against my head and
of which will now say a little moe This was pehaps the
most abomnable of all miaclesnet to the compessonof-
thech estmiacle; the expesson used fo t if I emembe co-
ecty was "the headcompessngmachine" n consequence of
the many fights of ays etc, thee had appeaed in my skull a
deep cleft o ent oughy along the middle which pobably was
not sible fom outside but was fom inside The "little de-
ils" stood on both sdes of this cleft and compessed my headas though in a ice by tuning a kind of scew causng my head
tempoaily to assume an elongated almost peashaped fom
It had an etemely theatening effect paticulaly as it was
accompaned by seee pain The scews wee loosened tem-
poaily but only ey gadually so that the compessed state
usually continued fo some time The "little deils" esponsi
ble mostly deied fom W's soul These "little men" and
"lttle deils" dsappeaed afte a few months nee to appea
again The moment of thei depatue concided appomately
with the appeaance of the posteio ealms of God It is tue
that macles ae still esponsble fo opening and closng my
eyelids in the manne descibed but fo almost six yeas now
it has no longe been done by the "little men" but diectly by
ays which set the muscles concened in moton In ode to
peent my closng o openng my eyes at wll the thin laye of
muscle situated in and aboe the eyelids and seving the
moement has seeal times been emoed by miacle. But
again the effect was only tempoary: the muscle tissue so lost
was always estoed againfo easons often mentioned befoe
"15 0
L
Boily negrity damage.
Manifold miacles wee also dected against my skeleto,
apat fom those against my ibs and skull mentioned ealie
In the foot bones patculaly in the egion of the heel, carie
was often caused by miacle causng me consideable pain;
luckly howee, the seeest pans did not last long A simila
miacle was the socalled coccyx miracle. This was an extemelypainfu caieslike state of the lowest etebae Its puose
was to make sitting and een lying down impossible Alto-
gethe was not allowed to emain fo long in one and the same
positon o at the same occupation: when was walkng one at-
tempted to foce me to lie down and when I was lying down
one wanted to chase me off my bed Rays did not seem to ap-
pecate at all that a human being who actually ests mus be
somewhere Because of the iesstible attaction of my nees
I had become an embaassing human being fo the ays fo
God) n whatee postion o ccumstance might be o what
ee occupation I undetook One did not want to admit that
what had happened was not my fault but one always tended to
eese the blame by way of "epesenting"
I beliee hae gien an almost complete descipton in
this chapte of those miacles which I was led to consde the
essential ones because of thei theatening chaacte In the
couse of this essay I will fequently hae to mention many
othe miacles of a less dangeous kind (patly on my body
patly on the objects aound me); some of them had aleady ap-peaed side by side wth the miacles descibed aboe some
only stated late
74. I fo one a sufCiy js not to speak of moal guilt n the oday sense
on the pat of Go (compae wha has een sa at the en of Chapte 5, also at the
end of the secod series of Postscrps) The cocept of guit or si s a human con
cept, which s essece canot be se towas sols whose ature dfers fom
the human. After all oe cano expect of souls the human virtues of perseve
ce, selsacice etc
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Co o h voc' ak
" Soul cocpt o
Souaguag. Couao
of poa xprc
2
A 5 M E N T O N D I N Chapter 9 the talk o the voice had
already become motly an empty babe o everrecrring mo
noono phrae in ireome repeition; on op o hi tey
were rendered grammaticaly incomplete by the omiion o
word and even yllabe However, the decription o a certain
nmber o phrae ed i o ineret, becae o the idelight
thrown on the ol whole way o thnking, their idea o h
man lie and o hman thinkng Among hee phrae are
hoe in which I wa called a Pnce o roghly incehe time o my tay n ieron' Aylm It wa aid innmer
able time or ntance, that God' omnipotence ha decided
that the rince o Hell i gong to be brned alive, he
rince o Hel reponible or the o o ray, We an
nonce victoy over he beaen rnce o Hel bt then again
by ome o the voice ot Schreber, bt lechig i the tre
rince o Hell etc
Anybody who knew me in my ormer lie and had he op
pornity o oberving my cool and ober natre, will readily
152L
Co o h oic
believe hat I myel cold never have ventred on o antatc a
term a tha o rince o Hell, til le a it wa in ch qeer
conrat to he poverty o my oward lie aion o he many
limitaion o reedom o wch wa bected, etc here wa
certainly nohing n the appearance o my rrondng whc
wa remindl o eiher Hell or o a prncely etting In myopnon te epreion rince o Hell, whch wa only erro
neoly applied to me, wa originally baed on an abtracton
he realm o God may alway have known ta he Order
o the World however great and magnicent, wa yet not wit
o it Achille' eel namch a the hman nerve power o
attracting God nerve conitted ome danger or the realm
o God hee danger were lkely to become more acte when
omewhere on ear or on any other ar nervone or moral
depravity gained te pper hand order to orm a clearer pic
tre o thee danger the ol ad apparenly adoped a ind
o peronicaion, imilar to the way in which nation in their
inancy ty to ndertand e idea o God better by mean o
graven image o ae god The phrae rince o Hell wa
probably meant o convey the ncanny power inimical to God
that cod develop rom moral decay among manind or a
general pread o nervo overecitement in coneqence o
overciviliaion A my nerve power o atracton became
more and more irreiible, the rince o Hell appeared
ddeny to have become reality in my peron An enemy wathereore een in me who had o be deroyed by all te might
o dvine power; one reed to recognize tha on te conrary
I wa he bet riend o pue ray rom whom alone I cold
epect my recovery or other atiactory olton o te conlict
One wa apparently more inclned to hare one own power
with impre teted ol)God' real enemiethan to p
p w the idea o being dependen on a ingle hman being
wom one wold otherwie ave looked down pon in e
prod awarene o ditan power
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M EO I R S
Phrases of another grop having certain factual ignicance
were those in which one talked of the "soulconeption Fn
damentally this contained signicant and valable ideas. n
its original meanng soulconception is think a somewhat
dealized verson whch souls had fomed of human lfe and
thought. One ms remember that sols were the deparedspirs of erstwhile hman beings As sch they had a lvely
interest not only n ther own hman pas bt also in the
fortnes of their stllliving reaives and frends and in every
thing that happened to mankind; hey could gain sch knowl
edge either hrough nerveconact or otward impressions by
actally seeng compare Chapter I ) . They were able to express
in more or less disinct words some les of condc and att
tde to life. I will qote a few of hese sentences as examples.
"Do not think abo certain parts of yor body" was a rle of
condct apparently expressing the idea that man in his norma
healthy sate has no reason o think of particlar parts of his
body, nless reminded of hem by pain "Not at the rst de
mand" was another phrase indicating hat a sensible hman
being wold not allow himself to be led into one or oher ac-
tion by a momenary implse "A job started mst be n
ished" was the formla expressing tha man shod purse to
its ltimate goal what he stars witho beng distracted by
adverse inflences, ec
n mans thoght processes one distingushed he "thoghtof decision"mans exertion of will to do a certain thing
"wishfl thoghts" "thoghts of hope" and "hoghts of
fear." The "thinkingtoverthoght" denoted something
perhaps also known to psychologiss: it often leads a person
to rn his wi power in the opposite direction or at least
change i from tha whch at rs he may have felt nclined to
folow, bt whch on frher consideraton automatcally
causes doubts. "The hman hoghtofrecollecton" was sed
to indcate mans atomatc need o imprnt on hs mind by
r -
IS'L .
Conen of h voices I ta lk
repetition an important thogh which had occrred to him
How deeply ingrained the "hman hoghtofrecollection" s
n the natre of he hman processes of thoght and feeling,
can be seen from vey characterisic instances when in poems
rhymes refrans) recr, or when in msical compositions a cer
tain seqence of notes expressing the embodiment of beatyoccrs not only once but is repeated again and again A very
prominen part was payed in the "solconcepion" by ideas
about the relation between the two sexes and their respective
mode of occpaion her tases, etc. For instance beds hand
mirrors and rakes were consdered feminine baskechairs and
spades mascline; of games, chess as masclne checkers as
feminine, ec
Sols knew very wel that a man lies on his side in bed, a
woman on her back as the "sccmbng par," considered
from the point of view of sexa intercorse. myself who in
earlier ife never gave t a hoght, have ony learned this from
he sols From what I read in for insance my father's MED-
ICAL INDOOR GYMNASTCS 23rd Edition, p. 102 physi
cians themselves do no seem to be nformed abot i. Frther
he sols knew tha mae vopousness s stimlaed by he
sight of femae ndes bt on the conrary female volpos
ness to a very mch lesser extent if at al by he sight of male
ndes while female ndes stimlate both sexes eqaly. For
insance the sight of a nde mae body perhaps at a swmmngehibiion will leave the female pbic cold for ths reason
their admission is righly not considered immora o he same
extent as the presence of men at a female swimmng exhibi-
ton whereas a balet will prodce some sexal simaion in
both sexes. I do not know whether these phenomena are gener-
ally known and considered correct. My own observaions and
the behavior of my own nerves of volptosness eave me in
no doubt that the solconception is correct in this respect I
am of corse flly aware hat the reacion of my own female)
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O I
rvs o voltosss os ot tsl costtt roo or
th vy raso that t s xctoal or ma rvs to b
rst a mal boy as my cas.
A stcto btw mascl a m wth r-
sct to artcls o cothg (th armamtarm as t was
call th basc lagag s almost slvt boots aar to th sols a scal symbol charactrstc o ma
lss o th sols to ta o boots mat mch th sam
as mag.
hs short rmars may sc to gv a aroxmat a
o th orgal mag o th xrsso solcocto.
What I ow abot t I ow artly to t ormato
rg th arly art o my llssa artly to mrssos
rcv my cotact wth sols hav ths ga sght
to th atr o hma thoght rocsss a hma -
gs or whch may a sychoogst mght vy m
h hrass abot solcocto rcv a qt r
t mag latr hy grat to mr lorshs wth
whch o tr to satsy th or sch whl totally
lacg ow thoghts comar Chatr 9. Do ot orgt
that yo ar bo to th solcocto a Now th
that s too mch accorg to th solcocto bcam
costatly rcrrg mty hrass by th lss rtto
o whch I was tortr or yars almost byo rac a
stll am. h lattr hras scally was th sols' almost co-stat rtort wh thy co ot th o what to say rthr to
a w thoght o m a t also shows by ts oor stylstc
orm th gracy whch ha st I cotrast th g
basc agag that s th xrsso o th sos' tr lgs
bor th tm th mchacally rat hrass com-
mc xcll orm aso by ts gty a smlcty
Crta othr hrass wth qt mortat mags ca
oly b mto th xt chatr bcas o thr cotxt
My uward lvng cndn hav som rscts at
56 J
C o te t e c e ' a lk
ast bcom mor barabl sc abot th rst hal o th
yar 89, as mto at th o Chatr 0 Most mor
tat was that I start to occy mysl rt ways. It s
tr I stll cl to wrt to my rlatvs artclar to my
w althogh th attat M. tr to rsa m. ot
th blv th xstc o a ral ma ots thAsylm bt thoght that al th hma shas saw ar-
tclar my w wh sh vst m wr ltg a m-
rovs or oly a lmt tm so that to wrt lttrs as
was sggst to m wol hav b a shr arc whch I
was ot rar to ta art. Sc th howvr thr hav
b oortts to lay chss wth othr atts or wth
attats a to lay th ao Havg oc or twc lay
th ao th commoroom or lbrary o th Asym r-
g my w's vsts a small ao was t to my room th
srg o 89 or my rglar s h lgs aros m
wh I rsm ths occato whch ays o halth I ha
oy I ca bst scrb wth a qotato rom ahsr:
otal orgttg sc btw toay a ystr
ay. Al my mmors vash raly a I col oy
rmmbr ha had l all hpe f ever greeng yu
agan r ever rang my eye yu.
The only tme I played the pano n Flechsg's Asylumwas on my we's urgent persuason; it was the ara from
Handel's Messiah "I know that my Redeemer Lveth" from
a score whichhappened to be at hand. My state was such that
I played in the certan convicton of t beng the last tme n
my lfe that my ngers would touch the keys of a pano
Havngresumedchess and pano-playng n the Asylum, they
becamemytwomanoccupations durngthe whole ve years
whch have sncepassed Playngthe pano n particular was
andstll s ofmmense vaueto me; I mustconfess that I nd
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I S
t ct to mage how I col have bore the complsve
thg a al that goes wth t rg these ve years ha I
ot bee able to play the pao. Drg paoplayg the o
sescal twae o the voces whch tal to me s rowe.
Next to physcal exercses t s oe o the most ecet orms
o the socale otthgoaythgthoght; bt agaoe wate to eprve me o t by trocg the mscal
otthgoaythgthoght as t was cale the sol
agage. he rays aways at east have a vsal mpresso
rom my has a rom my reag the score a every at
tempt at represetg me by the creatooaalseeeg
a sche s oome to e are becase o the rea
eeg oe ca pt to paopayg. Paoplayg thereore
was a stll s oe o the ma obects o crses
he cltes whch were pt my way ey escrpto.
My gers are paraye the recto o my gae s chage
orer to prevet my g the correct eys my gers are
verte o to wrog eys the tempo s qcee by mag
the msces o my gers move prematrely; all these were
a stll are aly occrreces. Eve the pao tsel was re
qety the obect o mracles a strgs were broe (lcy
mch more rarely recet years). I 1897 aloe the bl or
broe pao strgs amote to o less tha 86 mars
hs s oe o the ew staces whch I beleve rshes
scet proo to covce other people o the realty o themracles whch I mata happe. Spercal gmet mght
lea some to assme that I myse have case the pao
strgs to sap by seseess bagg o the pao; ths was or
stace my we's repeately state opo possbly havg
hear t rom the physcas. I reply I mataa I am
74. n annot pla th pan cntnull mucal clck r th am pur
p, and (fr th gardn) muth rgan hich I rcntl prng 1900) akd m
rati t gt fr m
-
Ct te v alk
covce that every expert wll spport me thsthat t s
ltogether mpossble to sap the strgs o a pao merely by
bagg o the eys however voletly. he smal hammers
le wth the eys oly lghtly toch the strgs a col
ever stre them scetly har to brea them. et ayoe
try to ht the eys as har as he les eve wth a hammer ora og o woo the eyboar may perhaps be broe to peces
bt he wll ever be abe to brea a strg. Strgs have
broe mch ess reqety recet yearst stl happes
occasoalybecase the rays' (Go's) tet towars me
has become ess rely more abot ths later) owg to
my costaty creasg sovolptosess; the rays were
aso orce by stll more peasat cotos eve or them)
partclar by the socalle bellowg to coser pao
playg the most cogea pastme or all cocere.
I mst meto aother mraclos evet ths coec-
to althogh t realy beogs to a earer tme whch s oe
o the most mysteros thgs eve I ever experece who a
ter all has see so mch o mraclos thgs I remember
that o a certa ay whle stll ept mmoble that s the
smmer or atm o 894 the attempt was mae o oe oc
caso to place a whole gra pao (Blther) my room by
mracle; t seems to have bee oe o v. W.'s mraces. I am
lly aware how absr ths sos a I mst thereore as
myse whether t col ot have bee a halcato. Bt certa crcmstaces mae t extremely ct or me to th
so. I remember clearly that t too place broa aylght
whe was sttg a char or o the soa rot o me I s
tctly saw the polshe brow srace o a gra pao the
mag (harly a ew paces away) ortatey sregare
the mracle at the tme; I wate othg whatever to o wth
ay o mracle; they al lle me wth sgst partc
larly as ha mae absolte passvty my ty Later I some
tmes regrette that I ot ecorage the mracle (pacy
r
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M R S
i was he exresso he asic aguage) o ou wheher
i cou realy e comee. Almos whou exceio al
mraces were a are oome o falure or reere much
more ifficul if oose hem resouey wih my wil A so
I mus leave uece wha oecive ackgrou he re
ore eve ha if i really was a halucaio i mus haveee of a mos exraoriary ki i vew of he immeiae
roximiy of he oec suosely see.
Miracles of hea a co were a sil are aly eace
agais me urig walks i he gare a whe I am ioors
always wih he urose of reveig he aural feelig of
oily weleig which s cause y he soulvoluuousess
for isace miracles make my fee col a my face ho I
hik he hysioogical mechasm is ha urg he col
miracle he loo is force ou of he exremies so causg
a suecive feelig of col a ha coversey urg he
heamiracle he loo is force owars my face a hea i
which of course cooless is he coiio corresog o a
geeral sese of welleig From youh accusome o eur
g oh hea a col hese miracles roule me ie ex
ce whe miracles mae my fee co while lyig i e as
haee ofe Coversely I myself have ofe ee force o
seek hea a col. his was ariculary ecessary rig he
rs years of my say here whe soulvoluuousess ha o
ye reache is rese egree i orer o iver he rays owars he chilly ars aricularly o he has a fee a so
roec he hea from he ijurous ifueces iee. fre
quely cug o he icy rees wih my has for may mi
ues urig he wier or hel als of sow ul my has
were almos aralye For some ime roaly i he srig
or auum of 189 I u my fee hrough he ro ars of he
oe wiow a igh i orer o exose hem o he col rai.
As log as i hs he rays coul o reach my hea whch of
course was of foremos imorace o me a I fel herefore
r ,
60L -
Ctet f the ces a
erfecly well aar from froe fee. I have reaso o assume
ha hs ehavior of me somehow came o he oice of my
hysicias a cause hem o ao a measure which ro
voke my severes sleasure. For a few ays I was move
from my usua rooms a o my reur I fou ha heavy
wooe shuers ha ee xe efore my eroom wiowwhich were ocke a igh so ha my eroom was oal
arkess a eve he rs ligh of ay i he morig coul
harly eerae. Naurally he hysicias roaly ha o
iea of how eely hs measure affece me i my exremely
har sruggle efeig myself agais he aems irece
a esroyig my reaso. Bu i is uersaale ha i lle
me wih a ee a oglasig sese of ieess. igh ec
essary for every huma occuaio ha ecome almos more
esseia for me ha my aiy rea i my aloe ask of a
al mes covicig Go Who oes o kow he livig hu
ma eig of my uimiishe owers of reaso herefore
erivig me of aricia ligh a rologig he ime of au
ra arkess mae my osio immeasuraly more ifficul
wil o isue wih he hyscias wheher he measure hey
mose was ecessary from a urey huma oi of view o
roec my healh from he cosequeces of harmful acos.
Bu here oo I cao he remarkig ha he meas o
seem o he e Wha coul ossly have haee o me
oher ha coracg a col? he iro ars gave sufficieroecio agais he ager of falig ou of he wiow a
as regars he ager of coracig a col oe migh well
have waie o see wheher huma eigs aural ee for
warmh woul o have revee me from keeig he
75 Fo ths reason the effect of he oe cold showe I was allowed to tae i e
athroo was alost iracuous. All at once I felt pefectly wel and free ro all
the treatening anifestations of iracles by which y head and other parts of
y body had een visited-alhoug ony fo a shot ie
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MEMO IR S
windows open too ong. Bt these neiher were nor are he de-
cisive factors or me the main poin was that I cod only see
he physicians as tools in whose nerves decisions were arosed
by divine rays aimed at frthering the plans directed at de
stroying my reason; narally wihot the physicians hem-
selves becoming sbjectively conscios of his bt thinkinghat they were acting simply from hman deliberations. I mst
sil maintain his opinion becase behind every word which
he physicians and other people speak to me I notice he divine
inflence as reveaed to me by the wriingdownmaterial I
know so well, which will perhaps try to explain frther laer
on In writing these lines I do not mean to recriminate about
the pas I harbor no illwil against any hman being for wha
happened in imes gone by; happiy it has mostly been over-
come Bt I thoght i necessary to discss he affair about the
window shtters in greater detail to explain the deep mistrstof the physicians which led me for years, and of which they
possibly noticed some signs in my behavior.
These shtters the only ones in he whole wing of the
Asym I inhabied) still exist, bt have not been closed for a
long time Usally sch shtters are fond ony in he cels
eqipped for raving madmen on the grond foor and rst floor
of the rund wng of the Asylm For two years (18961898) I
slept in several of these cells as I will reate later, in which
time the adverseness of my circmstances was if possible in-creased by he darkness.
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S
r 96
L
1 6
Compulsve thnkng. Its
effecs and mafesaio
T H E P E V O U S apr I rb ang n
m uwar l urng pa ar an rm bal
annlan aum w vn ra l agan m
wll nw a m mr abu rma val ang
nan compulve thnng. Cmpulv nkng
a bn n n Capr 5 a avng nk nnual;
nravn man naural rg mnal raxan
mprar r rm mnal av rug nkng nng
r a xprn g n ba languag urb
"ba a uman bng M nrv ar nun b
ra vbra rrpnng ran uman wr r
rr n ubj m wn wl bu u
an nun xr n m rm wu Frm bgnnng
ystem of notnsngsentence prval a
a vbran au n m nrv an wr pr-
u nan n manl n ug bu unn
a r nl ragmn a w m nrv av
uppmn mak up n I n naur nrv
r 9 7
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O I
ha i uncnncd wrds r sard phrass ar hrwn in
hm, hy aumaicaly amp cmpl hm n
ishd hughs sasacry h human mind.
Th sysm nnshingasnnc bcam mr and
mr prvaln n h curs yars h mr h sus
lacd hir wn hughs n paricular, r yars singl cn
uncins r advrbs hav bn spn in my nrvs hu
sands ims; hs ugh nly nrduc clauss bu s
l my nrvs cmpl hm n a mannr sasacry
a hinng mind. Thus r yars hav hard daily in hundrd
d rpiin nchrn wrds spn in my nrvs wih
u any cnx such as "Why n?," "Why ," "Why
bcaus " "B ," "Wih rspc him" ha is say ha
smhing r hr has b hugh r said wih rspc
mys; urhr an absuly snslss "Oh" hrwn n my
nrvs; nally crain ragmns snncs which wr arlir n xprssd cmply; as r insanc
"Nw shall"
2 "Yu wr "
3 " shal"
4 " will b,"
S. "Ths curs was/
"acng nw is/
c. n rdr giv h radr sm ida h riginal man
ing hs ncmpl phrass wil add h way hy usd
b cmpd bu ar nw mid and l b cmpld by
my nrvs. Th phrass ugh hav bn:
Nw shall rsg mysl bing supid;
2 Yu wr b rprsnd as dnyng Gd as givn
vlupuus xcsss, c;
3 shal hav hn abu ha rs;
r "98
L .
Copuv thng
4. will b dn nw, h n pr;
5 Ths curs was much rm h suls pin
viw;
Lacng nw s nly h ading ida, ha isw, h
rays hav n hughs
Th rahr aslss phras abu h in pr numbr
4) is du mysl having usd yars ag h gur spch
"dn l a n pr" in h nrvlanguag This phras
was sizd n and bcam a cnsanly rcurrng par h
spchmaria. Th "in pr" was rr mysl: i
was man xprss ha was dn, i.. ha my pwr r
ssanc agains h aacs n my rasn by h rays mus by
nw b xhausd.
Th purps nnishingasnnc s cnsisn wh
Gd's aiud m hrughu: prvn dissluin in mybdy whch wuld ncssarily rsul rm is aracn Whil
cndiins prvaild which wr a as smhw n cns-
nanc wih h Ordr h Wrld ha is br yingrays
and yingclsialbdis was sard cmpar Chapr 9,
a mmnary unirm eeling was nugh ma h rly
suspndd suls ump dwn rm h sy in my muh hus
nding hir ndpndn xisnc; an vn, as mnind in
Chapr 7 pag 86, acually xprincd rpadly. Bu mr
"inllcual dlibrain" had h sam c; whnvr x
prssd in a grammaically cmpl snnc, h rays wuld
b d sraigh m, and nrng my bdy hugh capab
wihdrawing mprarily incras is sulvupuusnss
Nnishngasnnc has apparnly h c ha h
rays ar, as i wr, hd up hal way, and culd hrr wih
draw br having addd sulvupuusnss in my bdy;
bu vn hs ds n prmannly prvn h aracin
cmpy; nly sws i dwn.
s hard gv a picur h mnal srain h
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R S
ompulve hnkng impoe on me pariularly afer i ha
eome o muh wore, an wha menal orure ha o uf
fer During he r year my nerve inee eeme rreiy
ompelle o oninue eah are laue o he aifaon
of he human min, muh a in orinary human ineroure
an anwer reguarly given o omeoy ueion
wil give an exampe o illurae how uh a nee in
heren in he naure of human nerve Conier he ae of par
en or eaher eing preen uring a hoo examinaion of
her hilren f hey folow he examnaion aenivey hey
wll auomaialy anwer every ueion in heir mn per
hap only in he form: " am no a all ure wheher he hil
ren wil know h " Of oure here i no menal ompuion
for paren or eaher hey have only o iver her aenion
from he proeeng examinaion owar omehing ele in
heir environmen o pare heir nerve hi rain hi heeenial ifferene eween hi exampe an my ae The
ueion or uerying parle poken ino my nerve ompe
my mn o work y eng he orreponng nerve in vra
on in a way ha hey anno poly eape he impue o
hink mu eave uneie wheher he expreion hoe
of my nerve eing e n orreponng viraon y he ray,
over he irumane orrey wha irely fee i ha
he alkng voe laely n parular he voie of he alking
ir a iner oices move like long hrea ino my hea an
here aue a painfu feeling of enion hrough he poion of
orpe whih hey epo
n onrainion o hee inner voe hear ouer
voie pariularly poken y r, whih ome o me from
ouie, from he ir hroa However in oh ae my
nerve anno avoi he oun of he poken wor he
95 T d hi iediey s ih [i he ike eye e iu-
ee deded ed he pciy e i."
'
200L
Compv i
mulaion of my nerve follow auomaally an ompe
me o hink on when hear ueion or inomplee hough
n earier year my nerve imply ha o hink on o anwer
ueion, o omplee rokenoff enene, e Only aer
wa graualy ale o auom my nerve my "ai" o ig
norng he imulaon whih fore hem o hink on, y im
ply repeaing he wor an phrae an hu urnng hem
ino nohnkngofanyhnghough have one ha for a
long ime now wih onunion an aver whih wou
nee a full laue for heir ompleon f hear for inane
"Why, eaue ," or "Be i," repea hee wor for a long a
poie wihou aemping o omplee he ene y rying o
onne hem wih wha hough efore
proee in he ame manner when aemp are mae
wih he wor "f only my" o ompel my nerve o evelop
ea of fear, no really preen in my min u falely mpueo me know wha an e "expee" o foloweaue
a a rule he orreponing mirale happen imulaneouly
an fee i on my oy he inene oninuaion i ome
ime "f ony my voupuoune were no ure
omeime "f only my oo were no remove y mra
le omeime "f only my noe, my eye, my kneeap my
kull, e, woul no e affee y mirale"
Sine my nerve have eome auome o uppre he
orreponing mulaion, no longer elaorae n wor
he nonene o whih hee falie iea lea am a
e o keep on repeaing he ame wor "f only my" wihou
aing anyhng o hem n orinary onveraion of oure
everyoy woul mply ouner "f only my" wh "Wa
o you realy mean, or perhap woul ue auive language in
efefene Thi i very iffiul for me eaue he ray
regularly anwer "We have ha h efore" wh he ef
fe menone n Chaper 9) wou in any ae e un
enurale n he long run o umi nerve al ay long
r 01
IS olsie t .
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IS
to the onteqestion Wht do ou el men" o to
bsive lngge
The infingement of the feedom of humn thining o moe
oet thining nothing, whih onstittes the essene of
ompusive thining beme moe nbebe in the ose
of es with the sowing down of the tl of the voies his
is onneted with the inesed solvouptuosness of m
bod nddespite ll witingdownwith the get shotge
of speehmteil t the dispos of the s with whih to
bidge the vst distnes septing the sts, whee the e
suspended fom m bod
No one who hs not pesonl expeiened these phe
nomen ie hve n hve n ide of the extent to
whih speeh hs sowed down To s "Bt ntull" is
spoen Bbb t t t nnn t t tu l ll
o "Wh do o not then shit?" Wwwhhh
96. n can nl gt an da f th enormos ninement f man's mt mtve
ihs hch cmpulsv thnng cnsttuts and f h m patnc as tstd
nd al human cncptn hn n pcturs a human ng havng t a-
thr human ng n human langag n th a that as hav t m t ths
da n th nrvanguag magn a human ng plantng hmslf fr anthr
and mlstng hm all da lng th uncnnctd phrass such as th as us t-
ards m (l nl m hs thn as nl Yu a t, tc) an n xpctanthng ls f a prsn spn t n ths mannr u that h uld th th
thr Out f th hus th a f ttng ds f aus? I als ught t hav th
rght f ng mastr n m n had aganst th ntusn f stangrs But ths snt pssl as rgards th ras caus I am nt n a pstn t prvnt thr n
unc n m nrs ths rsts n ds pr f mracls Th human anguag
(spn alud hch s th ima ato r prsrng th sanctt f m hus
cannt alas usd part ut cnsdatn f m nvrnmnt, patl
caus cntnuus tang aud uld ma v snsl ccupatn mpss
; nall caus at nght t uld pvnt slp nc n trs t prv m
t tal aud th th qustn: h d u nt sa t alud r mans f
nsultng phrass cmpar hapt 9 f lat, havng cm ncrasngl car
aut ths thngs hav n fact nt rfrand frm mang us f spang alud
hnv th pprtunt ars th n cnvrsatn and hn am an
r 20
L
o l i e t .
dddooo ; nd eh eqies pehps thit to
sixt seonds to be ompeted This wod be bound to use
sh neous imptiene in eve hmn being not lie m
self moe nd moe inventive in sing methods of defense, s
to me him ump out of his sin; fint ide of the nevos
unest used is pehps the exmple of Jdge o tehe
lws listening to mentll dl witness o sttteing
sho, who despite ll ttempts nnot lel get ot wht
he is sed o wnts to s
Pling the pino nd eding boos nd newsppes iss
f s the stte of m hed llowsm min defense, whih
mes even the most dwnot voies nl peish; t night
when this is not esil done o in dtime when the mind
eqies hnge of ouption sull fond ommitting
poems to memo suessful emed lent get numbe
of poems b het ptill Shile's blds long setionsof Shille's nd Goethe's dms, s well s is fom opes
nd humoous poems mongst othes fom Mx nd Moitz,
Stuwelpete nd Spete's fbles whih then eite in si
ene on the quiet vebtim Thei vue s poet ntull
does not mtte; howeve insignint the hmes, even ob
sene veses e woth thei weight in god s mentl nou
ishment omped with the teible nonsense m neves e
othewise foed to listen to
Even whie eiting poems hve to ombt diffiulties
whih t times ede thei effetiveness; miles imed tstteing m thoghts t on m nees nd me it im
possibe to nd the ontintion of poem lent b het; o
when the most pesistent inne voies hve t lst been si
ened b the eitl of longe poems nd hve ehed stte
of get soulvoluptuousness though union of ll s, the
lowe God stts the belowingmile until m so beth
ess tht I nnot ontinue eiting the poems even soft I m
theefoe foed to hnge the sstems muh in the sme w
203
EI l hikig
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as xtrnal nw sstms ar ntnal start (b s
mniptn) t slw wn th attratn ras an prvnt
th nin all ras nssa r slp r mpt sul
vluptuusnss Rntl I un untin al p t a ar
ur rat hlp bt ths s natrall vr brin r an
lnth tm Whn svr bil pain sts n r prsstnt
bllwin urs th last rmann rm is swarin alu
whih I hav t asnal but whh I snrl hp
wl bm ss an ss nssar n utur
Al th abvsrb phnmna hav han in th
urs ars an ar still subt t han in ratin t
th r sulvuptuusnss prsnt at a ivn tm
an th istan t whih has withrawn Bt n th
whl th pritns I ma ars a bm trr vr
a th lwn xrpt rm ittl Stu XII in ntb
B, alra mntin in tnt 80 ma srv as pr:
1 6TH JANARY 98
"In th mantim that is t sa rin th ars r
as whh ma pass untl unmannn is mpt
th rtn ur pi is in nral lar Thee o
doubt whatee that things will becoe eaie u
wth ee ea ee da ee week, pssibl st
bas xpt whh ar nnt wth th at that
lswhr th nssar insht s an an wll pb-
abl nee ce about wn t th ranizatn
s ralms an th sharatr thrr wa -
rts wil alwas b ma t av th slutin whih is
in nsnan wth th Orr th Wr"
Baus ts v haratristi mann I must vt a
w mr rmars t th abvmntn qustin "Wh
u thn nt shit" hwvr nliat th subt ma b
r -2'
g
vrthin ls in m b th n t mpt ms is
as all rth b mirals ths is n b rin th s
in th bwl rwars smtims als bawars an whn
win t prvus vauatin thr is insint matrial
prsnt th smal rmnants in th bwl ar smar n m
basi. his mral nitat b th uppr is rpat
vr a at last svra zn tims It is nnt with th
ia whih is quit inmprhnsib r hman bins an
an nl b xplan b s mplt a nwl
th livn human bn as an ransm that "sh . " s t a
rtain xtnt th na at that is t sa whn th mirals
pru th ur t sh th a strin m rasn s
rah an s th pssibiit ar r a nal withrawal
th ras Trin t tra th rin this ia n mst as
sum sm misunrstanin th smb mann th
at atin naml that h wh ntr int a spia r-latinship t ivin ras as hav is t a rtain xtnt ntitl
t sh n al th wr
At th sam tim hwvr th whl pr th
pi nut twars m is lar Whnvr th n t
at is pru b miral sm thr prsn in m nv
rnmnt is snt t th lavatrb xitn th nrvs th
prsn nrnin rr t prvnt m rm mptn m
sl this I hav bsrv s rqntl thusans tms
an s rarl that n an xlu an thuht t bn
inin Th qstin "Wh thn nt sh " is
w b th apital answr "Baus I am smhw stp"
Th pn amst rsists writin wn th antast nnsns
97 In ung the een ped" it il ad be neea emn the
eae m peil develped iea te end Chape ; tnte 74
Chapte 1 p 1 3 Chapte 13 ading hich G at ad me n el-
deenealthgh Hi n makingand theee nide Himel abe
ee huan and mal nideatin
r -
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MEMO IR S Coninaio of e above;
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MEMO IR S
that God in His blindness and lack of knowledge of human
nature in fact goes so far that He assumes a human being coud
exist whosomething every anmal is capabe of dong
cannot sh . for sheer stupidity. When do empty myself
usualy in a bucket because almost always nd the lavatory
occupiedthis act is always combined with a very strong de
velopment of soulvoluptuousness. iberation from the pres-
sure of feces present in the guts creates an intense feeling of
wellbeing, particularly for the nerves of voluptuousness the
same happens when pass water. For that reason al rays have
always and without exception been united during evacuation
and passing water; and for this very reason, namely to avoid a
union of all rays, one attempts (usually unsuccessfully) to mir-
acle away the urge
r ,
26L J
1 7
Coninaio of e above;
"Pictring i the sense of
e sol-laguage
F R O M T H E A C e 0 U N T in the previous chapter, the
reader wll have ganed the impression that the tials to which
I am subjected by compulsve thinking have in many respects
far exceeded the measure of demands which are usualy made
on human capacity and human patence. o be quite truthful
must add that there were also moments whch at least occa
sonaly offered a kind of recompense for the wrong done me
Apart fom knowedge of supernatural matters gained n the
course of years which would not erase from my memory for
all the gold on earth I must also mention the mentally stimu
latng effect compusve thnking has had on me. Throwng
into my nerves unconnected conjunctions expressing causal or
other relatons ("Why only," "Why because" "Why because
I "Let it be then," "At east," etc.) forced me to ponder many
things usually passed over by human bengs, which made me
thnk more deeply. All human activty near me every view of
nature in the garden or from my window stirs certain thoughts
in me when then hear "Why only" or "Why because" spoen
r ,
207L J
M E O I R S Coninuation of h e above
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M E O I R S
into my nerves I am foced or at east stimulated in immea-
surably greater degree than other human beings to contem
plate the reason or purpose behind them.
As one of many exampes while writing these lines a new
house is being built in the Asylum garden and a new stove
instaled in the oom adjoining mine Watching this work theidea automaticay arises: that man or various workmen are
now occupied in doing this o that; if simutaneously with
this thought a "And why" o "Why because" is spoken into
my nerves, I am unavoidably orced to give myse an account
of the reason and purpose of every single job Similar things
happened innumerable times in the couse of years reading
books and newspapes paticulaly stimuates new thoughts.
Being continually orced to trace the causal relation o every
happening every eeing, and every idea has given me gradu-
ally deepe insight into the essence o amost al naturaphenomena and aspects o human activity in art, science etc.
than is achieved by people who do not think it worth while
to think about odinary everyday occurrences. It is oten not
at al easy particularly in the case of sensations and feeings,
to account for easons ("But why" satisfactorily indeed most
often the question why is inept as for instance in such sen
tences as "This ose has a nice smell" or "This poem has
a beautifu poetical expression" or "This is a magnicent
painting" o "This piece of music is particulary meodious."
Nevertheless this question is stimuated in me by the voices
and moves me to think; but as I said before continual thinking
is too weaying and I have though slowly leant to exticate
mysef om it to some extent Of course he who believes in
the divine creation of the world can naturally always adduce as
the last cause of a things and happenings the eason "Because
God has created the wold." But between this fact and the indi-
vidual pocesses of ie there are innumeable intermediate
links which are emintly interesting to work out Stimuated
r .208
L
Coninuation of h e above .
by compulsive thinking I occupied myse a great deal with et
ymoogical questions which I must say had interested me in
alie days of health
Finally a very odinary event to illustrate the above I meet
a peson I know by the name of Schneider. Seeing him the
tought automatically arises "This mans name is Schneider"
o "This is M. Schneide." With it "But why" or "Why because"
aso esounds in my nerves In ordinary human contact the an-
swer would pobably be "Why! What a silly question, the
man's name is simpy Schneide" But my nerves were unabe
o almost unable to behave like this. Their peace is distubed
once the question is put why ths man should be Mr Schneider
o why he is called Mr Schneide. This very peculiar question
why" occupies my nerves automaticalyparticularly i the
question is repeated severa timesuntil their thinking is di-
verted in anothe direction My nerves pehaps answer rstWell, the mans name is Schneider because his father was also
caled Schneider. But this trivia answer does not eay pacfy
my nerves Another chain of thought starts about why giving
of names was introduced at all among people, its various forms
among different peopes at difeent times, and the various cir-
cumstances (pofession, origin, particula physica quaities,
etc.)
which gave rise to them. Thus an extremely simple ob-
sevation under the pressure of compusive thinking becomes
the starting point of a very considerable mental task usually
not without beaing fruit
Another interesting phenomenon connected with the ray
communicationthe real cause o compusive thinkingis
the socaled "picturing," which I have touched on earlie in
Chapter 5 Pehaps nobody but mysef, not even science,
knows that man retains all ecollections in his memory by
virtue of asting impressions on his nerves, as pictures in his
head. Because my inner nervous system is iluminated by rays,
these pictures can be voluntariy repoduced; this in act is the
r 209
O I S ua th abo
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naur o pcurng. xprssd hs hough arlr n my
Ll Suds XX o 29h Ocobr 1898 n a drn orm:
o pcur n h sns o h soullanguag) s h con
scous us o h human magnaon or h purpos o pro
ducng pcurs prdomnanly pcurs o rcolcons n
ons had, whch can hn b lood a by rays By vvdmagnaon can produc pcurs o all rcollcons rom my
l, o prsons, anmas and plans, o al sors o objcs n na
ur and objcs o daly us, so ha hs mags bcom vs
bl hr nsd my had or wsh, ousd, whr wan
hm o b sn by my own nrvs and by h rays. can do h
sam wh wahr phnomna and ohr vns can or x-
amp l ran or l lghnng srhs s a parcularly
cv orm o pcurng, bcaus h wahr and parcu
larly lghnng ar consdrd by h rays mansaons o h
dvn g o mracls can also l a hous go up n smo
98 As e oninaion o he abovemenioned Lie Sdy wi deals w
pring in he hum sense may be o ineres i is appended hee
Piuring in he hum sense is e epesenaion o objes on a suae !in
onraisinion o oporeal, plas epresenaion whu l {in onra-
dsinon o paning o one ould aso say a panng is he proding o pi-
res in oo and espeay ethe mere cpyg awg om nare), a s
eprodung objes aaly seen in he oe worl i w hman mg-
t pays no par e eaion o piues represenng objes no ye eising
in he oue world, o eier prey arsi puposes represenaion o eay, ogive onesel an ohes pleasure o o praial prposes ha is in order o po-
e obes wih oespon o hese piues a moel, e pan o a buldng,
e) he aer impying mgt anasy derived rom VEJ Te er-
man wod [EbdugktJ iniaes leay e noion o someing engpu
he hea or no man awaeness wh is no pesen ouside hene aso
he erm o imagne someing ISchebde, Vguke or md imag-
naon onuing somehing p beore one's eyes opes, e) wih anno be re-
alzed bu is se as moe o inappropriae and wong aion
his lie sdy is naray eien in sye, bease I made hese noes when
I had no idea ha I mig eer wis o ommuniae s onens o oher peope.
r ,2 0
L
ua th abo
undr h wndow o my a, c. All hs nauraly only n my
magnaon, bu n a mannr ha h rays g h mprsson
ha hs objcs and phnomna rally xs. can also pc-
ur mysl n a drn plac, or nsanc whl playng h
pano s mysl a h sam m sandng n ron o a mr
rr n h adjonng room n mal ar; whn am lyng nbd a ngh can gv mysl and h rays h mprsson ha
my body has ma brass and a mal sxual organ; mn-
ond s gra mporanc and h rason or n Chap 13
Th pcurng o mal buocs on my body qui
al y has bcom such a hab ha do almos auo-
macally whnvr bnd down Pcurng n hs sns
may hror b calld a rvrsd mracl n h sam way as
rays hrow on o my nrvs pcurs hy would l o s s-
pcaly n drams, oo can n urn poduc pcurs or h
rays whch wan hm o s.H who has no xprncd wha hav canno orm any
da n how many ways h ably o pcur has bcom o
valu o m. has ruly on bn a consolaon and comor
n h unndng monoony o my drary l, n h mnal or-
urs surd rom h nonsnsca waddl o vocs Wha
gra joy o b abl o pcur agan n my mnds y rcolc-
ons o journys and landscaps, sommswhn h rays
bhav avorablywh such surprsng ahulnss and ru
coor ha boh mysl and h rays hav amos h xac m-
prsson o h landscaps wan o s agan as hy wr
acually hr
Whl wrng hs ns, am ampngby way o x-
prmno ma h shap o h Marhorn appar on h
horona h pon nar Drsbach rom whr h sum-
m rss so bauullyand can convnc mysl ha suc
cd up o a pon wh my ys closd or opn Smlarly
hav nnumrabl ms n h cours o yars sn shaps o
popl nw nr my room or wal abou n h gardn,
2 1 1L
MMIS Coninuaion of h ov
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"pictured hem whenever I wanted oseethem; or I gae shapetocartoons, whichIhadseen soewhere,paricularlyhumorousonesfromthe Fliegenden Blatter, etc. n sleepess nghts ofen ook revengeas itwerefor the rays' playwithmiracles,by conjurng up myself all sorts of shapes, serous or humorous, sensuously exciting or fearful, in my bedroom or in thecell theentertainment I obtainedin his way wasanessentialeans to conquer theothewise often unbearableboredom. Ioften accompany my pianopayingwiththe relevant"pictur-ing particuarlywhen Iplay pianoarrangements. can produceawhoe opera or parts of it by picturing in y mnd's eyehe wholecourse of the action,he characters, the scenery, etc.someties wth surprising viidness. As I osly hae deal-ingswithmracledbirds, sometimes enjoy myself by okinglypicturing for themhowtheywould appear whenbeing eaten
up by a cat, etc. Naturally picturng in this sense requiresconsiderable mental exertion, and y head ust be in fairlygood orderand Ingoodsprits; when these conditions prevailI can derie quite considerable pleasureif the intendedpicturessucceedfairlyaccuratey Apartfrommereentertanen, pic-turing" hasanother signicance hardly ess iporan. Seengpictures puries rays, as already mentioned in Chapter 1 1 ;they thenenter into e wihouther usual destructive force.For this reason atempts are regularly made by couneriracles to blot out what I have "pictured"; but I amusually
ictorious, andthe picuresremainvisible to me andthe raysfor as long as I exert my will, although admttedly they frequentlybecome less distinctor paler. Ihavealsoto picturewhen wanttopaythe p