seinfeld - 1x01 - the seinfeld chronicles

8/3/2019 Seinfeld - 1x01 - The Seinfeld Chronicles

1/33

100:00:01,600 --> 00:00:04,000Do you know what this is all about?Know why we're here?

200:00:05,400 --> 00:00:06,400

To be out. This is out.

300:00:06,500 --> 00:00:10,500Out is one of the single mostenjoyable experiences of life.

400:00:10,600 --> 00:00:12,600Know how people talk about"We should go out"?

500:00:12,700 --> 00:00:14,600This is what they're talking about.

600:00:14,800 --> 00:00:16,400This whole thing. We're all out now.

700:00:16,600 --> 00:00:17,800No one is home.

8

00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:20,400Not one person here is home.We're all out.

900:00:20,600 --> 00:00:23,600There are people trying to find us.They don't know where we are.

1000:00:24,000 --> 00:00:26,000"Did you re...? I can't find him.

Where did he go?

1100:00:26,200 --> 00:00:29,400He didn't tell me where he was going.He must have gone out."

1200:00:30,200 --> 00:00:33,100You wanna go out. You get ready,you pick out the clothes, right?

13

00:00:33,300 --> 00:00:35,000You take the shower, get all ready...


2/33

1400:00:35,200 --> 00:00:38,600...get the cash, get your friends,the car, the spot, the reservation.

1500:00:38,800 --> 00:00:40,400

Then you stand around.What do you do?

1600:00:40,500 --> 00:00:42,500You go, "We gotta be getting back."

1700:00:43,300 --> 00:00:45,700Once you're out,you wanna get back.

1800:00:45,900 --> 00:00:48,800You wanna go to sleep, you wannaget up, wanna go out again tomorrow.

1900:00:49,000 --> 00:00:50,200Wherever you are in life...

2000:00:50,400 --> 00:00:52,200...it's my feeling, you've gotta go.

2100:00:59,200 --> 00:01:01,500See, to me, that button'sin the worst possible spot.

2200:01:01,700 --> 00:01:04,600The second button literallymakes or breaks the shirt.

2300:01:04,800 --> 00:01:06,400Look at it. It's too high.

2400:01:06,600 --> 00:01:09,300It's in no man's land. You look likeyou live with your mother.

2500:01:09,400 --> 00:01:10,800Are you through?

2600:01:10,900 --> 00:01:12,700

You do, of course,try on when you buy.


3/33

2700:01:12,800 --> 00:01:14,600Yes, it was purple. I liked it.

2800:01:14,700 --> 00:01:16,800I don't actually recall

considering the buttons.

2900:01:17,000 --> 00:01:18,600Oh, you don't recall.

3000:01:19,200 --> 00:01:21,500No, not at this time.

3100:01:21,600 --> 00:01:24,200

Senator, I'd like to know whatyou knew and when you knew it.

3200:01:24,400 --> 00:01:26,800Mr. Seinfeld, Mr. Costanza.

3300:01:27,000 --> 00:01:28,200Are you sure this is decaf?

3400:01:28,400 --> 00:01:29,800

Where's the orange indicator?

3500:01:29,900 --> 00:01:32,600It's missing.I have to do it in my head.

3600:01:32,800 --> 00:01:34,800Decaf left, regular right.

3700:01:35,000 --> 00:01:37,400Decaf left, regular right.

3800:01:37,500 --> 00:01:39,300It's very challenging work.

3900:01:41,800 --> 00:01:43,600Can you relax? It's a cup of coffee.

4000:01:43,700 --> 00:01:46,000

- Claire's a professional waitress.- Trust me, George.


4/33

4100:01:46,200 --> 00:01:48,500No one has any interestin seeing you on caffeine.

4200:01:51,200 --> 00:01:53,300

How come you're not doingthe second show tomorrow?

4300:01:53,500 --> 00:01:55,800Well, there's this womanwho might be coming in.

4400:01:56,800 --> 00:01:58,100Wait a second. Wait a second.

4500:01:58,200 --> 00:01:59,900What coming in?What woman's coming in?

4600:02:00,000 --> 00:02:02,400I told you about Laura,the girl I met in Michigan.

4700:02:02,600 --> 00:02:04,600- You didn't.

- I thought I told you about her.

4800:02:04,800 --> 00:02:06,400Yeah. She teaches political science...

4900:02:06,600 --> 00:02:09,100...I met her the night I didthe show in Lansing.

5000:02:09,600 --> 00:02:11,500- There's no milk in here.- Wait.

5100:02:11,700 --> 00:02:13,600What is she...What is she like?

5200:02:13,800 --> 00:02:16,600Oh, she's really great.She's got a real warmth about her.

5300:02:16,800 --> 00:02:19,400


5/33

And she's really brightand really pretty.

5400:02:19,600 --> 00:02:22,200And the conversation,though, I mean, it was...

5500:02:22,400 --> 00:02:24,300Talking with her was liketalking with you...

5600:02:24,400 --> 00:02:26,400...but, you know,obviously much better.

57

00:02:27,300 --> 00:02:29,200So, you know, what happened?

5800:02:29,400 --> 00:02:31,500Well, nothing happened.But it was great.

5900:02:31,600 --> 00:02:33,600Nothing happened, but it was...This is great.

6000:02:33,800 --> 00:02:35,000- Yeah.- So, you know...

6100:02:35,200 --> 00:02:37,100...she called and saidshe wants to go out?

6200:02:37,300 --> 00:02:39,800God bless. You devil, you.

6300:02:40,000 --> 00:02:41,600Yeah. Well, not exactly.

6400:02:42,200 --> 00:02:44,500I mean, she said...She called this morning and said...

6500:02:44,600 --> 00:02:47,200

...she had to come in for a seminar,maybe we'd get together.


6/33

6600:02:49,400 --> 00:02:50,400"Had to"?

6700:02:50,600 --> 00:02:52,400- "Had to come in"?

- Yeah, but...

6800:02:52,500 --> 00:02:53,900- "Had to come in"?- Yeah, but...

6900:02:54,000 --> 00:02:55,300"And maybe we'll get together"?

70

00:02:55,500 --> 00:02:56,900"Had to" and "maybe"?

7100:02:57,100 --> 00:02:59,100- Yeah.- No, no.

7200:02:59,200 --> 00:03:01,400I hate to tell you this.You're not gonna see her.

7300:03:01,600 --> 00:03:03,700What? Are you serious?Why did she call?

7400:03:03,800 --> 00:03:06,000What do I know?Maybe she wanted to be polite.

7500:03:06,200 --> 00:03:07,900To be polite?

7600:03:08,400 --> 00:03:10,000- You are insane.- All right.

7700:03:10,100 --> 00:03:12,400I didn't want to tell you.Wanna know why she called?

78

00:03:12,500 --> 00:03:14,200You're a backup.


7/33

7900:03:14,300 --> 00:03:17,300You're a second line,a "just in case"...

8000:03:17,500 --> 00:03:20,600

...a B plan, a contingency.

8100:03:20,800 --> 00:03:22,700Oh, I get it. This is about the button.

8200:03:23,700 --> 00:03:26,100Claire. Claire, you're a woman, right?

8300:03:26,300 --> 00:03:28,400

What gave it away, George?

8400:03:28,500 --> 00:03:30,000I'd like to ask you...

8500:03:30,200 --> 00:03:33,000Ask you to analyze a hypotheticalphone call, you know...

8600:03:33,100 --> 00:03:35,100

...from a female point of view.- Oh, come on.

8700:03:35,200 --> 00:03:37,700What are you asking her?Now, how's she gonna know?

8800:03:38,300 --> 00:03:40,500Now, a woman calls me, right?

8900:03:40,600 --> 00:03:43,100She says she has to...

9000:03:43,700 --> 00:03:46,000...come to New York on business...- You're beautiful.

9100:03:46,100 --> 00:03:47,600And maybe...

9200:03:47,800 --> 00:03:49,300...she'll see me when she gets in.


8/33

9300:03:49,400 --> 00:03:51,500Does this woman intendto spend time with me?

94

00:03:51,900 --> 00:03:53,900I'd have to say no.

9500:03:57,600 --> 00:03:59,000So why did she call?

9600:03:59,200 --> 00:04:01,000- Be polite.- To be polite.

9700:04:01,100 --> 00:04:03,400- I rest my case.- Good, good. Did you have fun?

9800:04:03,600 --> 00:04:06,000You have no idea what you'retalking about. Come with me.

9900:04:06,200 --> 00:04:08,000I gotta go get my stuff

out of the dryer.

10000:04:08,100 --> 00:04:11,500- I'm not gonna watch you do laundry.- Oh, come on. Be a "come-with" guy.

10100:04:11,600 --> 00:04:12,900Come on. I'm tired.

10200:04:13,100 --> 00:04:15,500Don't worry.I gave him a little caffeine.

10300:04:15,600 --> 00:04:18,800- He'll perk up.- Right. I knew I felt something.

10400:04:22,800 --> 00:04:25,700Jerry, I have to tell you something.

10500:04:27,200 --> 00:04:30,200This is the dullest moment


9/33

I've ever experienced.

10600:04:34,500 --> 00:04:36,400Oh, look at this guy.

107

00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:39,400Look, he's got everything.He's got detergents, sprays...

10800:04:39,500 --> 00:04:43,000...fabric softener.This is not his first load.

10900:04:44,400 --> 00:04:46,700I need a break, Jerry.

I gotta get out of the city.

11000:04:46,900 --> 00:04:50,100- I feel so cramped...- You didn't hear how she sounded.

11100:04:50,300 --> 00:04:52,000- What?- Laura.

112

00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:55,500I can't believe...We already discussed this.

11300:04:55,700 --> 00:04:57,200Yeah, but how could yoube so sure?

11400:04:57,300 --> 00:05:01,200Because it's signals, Jerry.It's signals. Don't you...?

11500:05:03,300 --> 00:05:06,700All right. Did she even ask you whatyou were doing tomorrow night...

11600:05:06,800 --> 00:05:08,200...if you were busy?- No.

117

00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:11,200She calls you today,she doesn't make a plan for tomorrow?


10/33

11800:05:11,400 --> 00:05:13,200- What is that? It's Saturday night.- Yeah.

119

00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:15,700What is that? It's ridiculous.

12000:05:15,900 --> 00:05:17,900You don't even knowwhat hotel she's staying at.

12100:05:18,100 --> 00:05:20,400You can't call her.That's a signal, Jerry.

12200:05:20,600 --> 00:05:22,800That's a signal. Signal.

12300:05:25,600 --> 00:05:27,300- Maybe you're right.- Maybe I'm right?

12400:05:27,400 --> 00:05:29,200Of course I'm right.

12500:05:30,300 --> 00:05:31,500This is insane.

12600:05:31,600 --> 00:05:33,800You know, I don't even knowwhere she's staying.

12700:05:34,000 --> 00:05:35,200She's not gonna call me.

12800:05:35,400 --> 00:05:38,400- This is unbelievable.- I know, I know. It's tough.

12900:05:39,000 --> 00:05:41,000Listen, your stuffhas to be done by now.

130

00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:42,700Why don't you just see if it's dry.


11/33

13100:05:42,800 --> 00:05:45,700No, no, no.Don't interrupt the cycle.

13200:05:45,900 --> 00:05:49,100

The machine is working. It knowswhat it's doing. Just let it finish.

13300:05:49,300 --> 00:05:52,100- You're gonna overdry it.- You can't overdry.

13400:05:52,300 --> 00:05:54,600- Why not?- Same reason you can't overwet.

13500:05:55,400 --> 00:05:57,800You see, once somethingis wet, it's wet.

13600:05:58,700 --> 00:06:00,000Same thing with death.

13700:06:00,100 --> 00:06:02,300Like, once you die,

you're dead. Right?

13800:06:02,500 --> 00:06:04,700Let's say you drop deadand I shoot you.

13900:06:04,900 --> 00:06:07,200You're not gonna die again.You're already dead.

14000:06:07,400 --> 00:06:10,000You can't "overdie," you can't overdry.

14100:06:12,600 --> 00:06:14,400Any questions?

14200:06:18,500 --> 00:06:21,200How could she not tell mewhere she was staying?

14300:06:26,100 --> 00:06:29,100Look at that. They're done.


12/33

Look at that.

14400:06:30,600 --> 00:06:33,800Laundry day is the onlyexciting day...

14500:06:33,900 --> 00:06:35,300...in the life of clothes.

14600:06:35,500 --> 00:06:37,800It is. No, think about it.The washing machine...

14700:06:38,000 --> 00:06:40,500...is the nightclub of clothes.

14800:06:40,700 --> 00:06:42,800You know, it's dark,there's bubbles happening...

14900:06:42,900 --> 00:06:45,100...they're all kind ofdancing around in there.

15000:06:45,300 --> 00:06:48,200

A shirt grabs the underwear."Come on, babe. Let's go."

15100:06:49,200 --> 00:06:51,600You come by, open up the lidand they all...

15200:06:54,200 --> 00:06:56,600Socks are the mostamazing article of clothing.

15300:06:56,800 --> 00:06:58,900They hate their lives.They're with stinky feet...

15400:06:59,100 --> 00:07:00,700...the boring drawers.

15500:07:01,000 --> 00:07:04,100The dryer is their only chance

to escape and they all know it.

156


13/33

00:07:05,100 --> 00:07:07,600They do escape from the dryer.They plan it in the hamper...

15700:07:07,800 --> 00:07:10,600...the night before.

"Tomorrow, the dryer, I'm going.

15800:07:12,400 --> 00:07:14,200You wait here."

15900:07:14,400 --> 00:07:18,400The dryer door swings open, the sockis waiting up against the side wall.

160

00:07:21,100 --> 00:07:24,000He hopes you don't see him,then he goes down the road.

16100:07:25,100 --> 00:07:28,200They get buttons sewn on their face,join a puppet show.

16200:07:29,800 --> 00:07:31,500So they're showing meon television...

16300:07:31,600 --> 00:07:34,200...the detergentsgetting out bloodstains.

16400:07:34,900 --> 00:07:38,000Is this a violent image to anybody?Bloodstains?

16500:07:38,200 --> 00:07:40,800Come on. You got a T-shirtwith bloodstains all over it...

16600:07:40,900 --> 00:07:44,000...maybe laundry isn't yourbiggest problem right now.

16700:07:45,900 --> 00:07:49,200Maybe you ought to get the harpoonout of your chest first.

16800:08:11,700 --> 00:08:15,300


14/33

If you know what happened in the Metgame, don't tell me. I taped it. Hello.

16900:08:16,300 --> 00:08:18,800Yeah. No, I'm sorry.You have the wrong number.

17000:08:19,600 --> 00:08:21,200Yeah. No...

17100:08:22,000 --> 00:08:23,300- Yeah.- You up?

17200:08:23,400 --> 00:08:24,700

Yeah.

17300:08:25,200 --> 00:08:26,700People do move.

17400:08:26,900 --> 00:08:29,900Have you ever seen the big trucksout on the street?

17500:08:30,300 --> 00:08:31,500

Yeah, no problem.

17600:08:31,700 --> 00:08:36,000- Boy, the Mets blew it tonight, huh?- Oh, what are you doing?

17700:08:36,200 --> 00:08:39,000Kessler, it's a tape.I taped the game.

17800:08:39,200 --> 00:08:41,400It's 1:00 in the morning.

17900:08:41,500 --> 00:08:44,900I avoided human contactall night to watch this.

18000:08:45,100 --> 00:08:48,200Hey, I'm sorry.You know, I thought you knew.

18100:08:50,200 --> 00:08:52,000


15/33

You got any meat?

18200:08:52,900 --> 00:08:54,600Meat?

183

00:08:55,800 --> 00:08:58,400I don't know. Go hunt.

18400:09:04,200 --> 00:09:06,600Well, what happened in the game,anyway?

18500:09:07,000 --> 00:09:08,200What happened?

18600:09:08,400 --> 00:09:10,300Well, they stunk!That's what happened.

18700:09:15,400 --> 00:09:17,900You know I almost wound upgoing to that game?

18800:09:18,100 --> 00:09:21,600You almost went to the game. You

haven't left the building in 10 years.

18900:09:22,100 --> 00:09:23,600Yeah.

19000:09:57,200 --> 00:09:59,200- You done with this?- No.

19100:10:10,200 --> 00:10:12,100- When you're done, let me know.- Yeah, yeah.

19200:10:12,300 --> 00:10:14,200You can have it tomorrow.

19300:10:15,100 --> 00:10:18,000I thought I wasn't allowedto be in here this weekend.

19400:10:18,800 --> 00:10:21,500No, it's okay now.


16/33

That girl's not coming.

19500:10:21,700 --> 00:10:23,600I misread the whole thing.

196

00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:26,700You want me to talk to her?

19700:10:29,900 --> 00:10:31,600I don't think so.

19800:10:31,800 --> 00:10:34,400No, I can be very persuasive.

199

00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:37,400You know that I wasalmost a lawyer?

20000:10:37,900 --> 00:10:39,600That close, huh?

20100:10:39,700 --> 00:10:41,700You better believe it.

202

00:10:45,500 --> 00:10:46,700Hello.

20300:10:46,900 --> 00:10:48,200Oh, hi, Laura.

20400:10:48,400 --> 00:10:51,200- Oh, give me it. Let me talk.- No. What's up?

20500:10:51,400 --> 00:10:54,300- Well, let me talk to her.- I'm always up at this hour.

20600:10:54,400 --> 00:10:56,800How are you? Great.

20700:10:57,900 --> 00:10:59,300Sure.

20800:10:59,400 --> 00:11:01,400What time does the plane get in?


17/33

20900:11:01,600 --> 00:11:04,500- I'll get my friend George to take me.- Now slide!

210

00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:07,100Out. Do you believe that?

21100:11:07,300 --> 00:11:09,200It's just my neighbor.

21200:11:10,900 --> 00:11:12,400Yeah, I got it. 10: 15.

213

00:11:12,900 --> 00:11:15,100No, don't be silly.Go ahead and ask.

21400:11:16,300 --> 00:11:18,200Yeah, sure.

21500:11:19,200 --> 00:11:22,300Okay, great. No, no.It's no trouble at all.

21600:11:22,400 --> 00:11:24,200I'll see you tomorrow.

21700:11:24,700 --> 00:11:26,300Great. Bye.

21800:11:26,400 --> 00:11:28,300I don't believe it.

21900:11:28,500 --> 00:11:31,500That was her.She wants to stay here.

22000:11:42,100 --> 00:11:44,100If my father moved this,he'd have a cigarette...

22100:11:44,300 --> 00:11:46,700...in his mouth the whole way.

"Have you got your end?

222


18/33

00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:49,400Your end's got to come down first.Easy, now. Drop it down.

22300:11:49,600 --> 00:11:51,800Drop it down.

Your end's gotta come down."

22400:11:52,000 --> 00:11:54,500You know, I can't believe you'rebringing in an extra bed...

22500:11:54,700 --> 00:11:56,600...for a woman that wantsto sleep with you.

22600:11:56,700 --> 00:11:59,000Why don't you bring inan extra guy too.

22700:12:00,600 --> 00:12:02,200Look, it's a very awkward situation.

22800:12:02,400 --> 00:12:04,300- I don't wanna be presumptuous.- All right.

22900:12:04,400 --> 00:12:06,100One more time. One more time.

23000:12:06,300 --> 00:12:10,000What was the exact phrasingof the request?

23100:12:10,600 --> 00:12:13,400All right. She said she couldn'tfind a decent hotel room.

23200:12:13,600 --> 00:12:16,000- A decent hotel room.- Yeah, a decent hotel room.

23300:12:16,200 --> 00:12:18,900Would it be terribly inconvenientif she stayed at my place?

23400:12:19,800 --> 00:12:21,400You can't be serious.


19/33

23500:12:21,600 --> 00:12:26,000This is New York City. There mustbe 11 million decent hotel rooms.

236

00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:28,000What do you need, a flag?

23700:12:28,200 --> 00:12:29,700This is the signal, Jerry.

23800:12:29,900 --> 00:12:32,900- This is the signal.- This is the signal.

23900:12:33,100 --> 00:12:35,200Thank you, Mr. Signal.Where were you yesterday?

24000:12:35,300 --> 00:12:37,200I think I was affectedby the caffeine.

24100:12:38,700 --> 00:12:41,000Good dog. Good dog. All right.

24200:12:41,800 --> 00:12:43,600Hey, he really likes you, George.

24300:12:43,800 --> 00:12:45,500Well, that's flattering.

24400:12:47,500 --> 00:12:49,300He's getting a drink of water.

24500:12:53,200 --> 00:12:56,000- Is this for that girl?- Yeah.

24600:12:56,100 --> 00:12:59,400- Why even give her an option?- This is a person I like.

24700:12:59,500 --> 00:13:01,800

It's not how to scoreon spring break.


20/33

24800:13:02,000 --> 00:13:04,500Can we go? I'm double-parked.I'm gonna get a ticket.

24900:13:04,600 --> 00:13:07,600

Yeah, okay. Wait a second.I forgot to clean the bathroom.

25000:13:07,800 --> 00:13:09,000So what? That's good.

25100:13:09,200 --> 00:13:12,000- How could that be good?- Because filth is good.

25200:13:12,100 --> 00:13:14,600What do you think, rock starshave sponges and ammonia...

25300:13:14,700 --> 00:13:16,000...lying around the bathroom?

25400:13:16,100 --> 00:13:18,600You think they have a womancoming over, "I gotta tidy up"?

25500:13:18,800 --> 00:13:21,100In these matters, you never dowhat instincts tell you.

25600:13:21,300 --> 00:13:23,000Always, always do the opposite.

25700:13:23,100 --> 00:13:25,200- This is how you operate?- Yeah, I wish.

25800:13:26,000 --> 00:13:30,400- Let me just wipe the sink.- Why even give her an option for?

25900:13:31,400 --> 00:13:33,400- It's unbelievable.- Yeah.

26000:13:37,000 --> 00:13:39,600How's the real estate business?


21/33

26100:13:41,500 --> 00:13:44,500It's not bad. It's coming along.

26200:13:45,700 --> 00:13:47,800

Why, did you need something?

26300:13:48,300 --> 00:13:50,300You handle any of that commercial...

26400:13:50,800 --> 00:13:52,500...real estate that...?

26500:13:54,200 --> 00:13:56,000

Well, I might be getting into that.

26600:13:56,100 --> 00:13:59,800- You keep me posted.- I'm aware of you. All right, let's go.

26700:14:00,000 --> 00:14:02,300Let's go. You're on-stagein 25 minutes.

268

00:14:04,100 --> 00:14:07,100The dating world is not a fun world.

26900:14:08,600 --> 00:14:09,800It's a pressure world.

27000:14:10,000 --> 00:14:12,400It's a world of tension,it's a world of pain.

27100:14:12,600 --> 00:14:15,500If a woman comes over to my house,I gotta get that bathroom ready...

27200:14:15,700 --> 00:14:17,900...because she needs things.I don't know what.

27300:14:18,100 --> 00:14:20,200I know I don't have it, I know that.

27400:14:20,400 --> 00:14:22,600


22/33

You know what they need?Women need cotton balls.

27500:14:22,800 --> 00:14:26,100This is one... Always been one ofthe most amazing things to me.

27600:14:26,300 --> 00:14:28,500I have no cotton balls.We're all human beings.

27700:14:28,600 --> 00:14:31,000What is the story?I've never had one...

278

00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:33,300...I never bought one,I never needed one.

27900:14:33,500 --> 00:14:35,900I've never been in a situationwhere I thought to myself:

28000:14:36,100 --> 00:14:37,900"I could use a cotton ball right now.

28100:14:38,800 --> 00:14:41,600I could certainlyget out of this mess."

28200:14:41,800 --> 00:14:44,100Women need them.And they don't need one or two.

28300:14:44,800 --> 00:14:46,700They need thousands of them.They need bags.

28400:14:46,800 --> 00:14:49,900They're like peat moss bags.Have you ever seen these giant bags?

28500:14:50,000 --> 00:14:51,300They're huge...

286

00:14:51,500 --> 00:14:54,600...and two days later, they're out.They're gone. The bag is empty.


23/33

28700:14:54,700 --> 00:14:57,500Where are the cotton balls, ladies?What are you doing with them?

288

00:14:57,700 --> 00:15:00,400The only time I ever see themis in the bottom of wastebaskets.

28900:15:00,500 --> 00:15:04,200Two or three look like they've beenthrough some horrible experience.

29000:15:05,600 --> 00:15:08,600Tortured, interrogated,

I don't know what happened to them.

29100:15:08,800 --> 00:15:12,400I once went out with a girl, she lefta little bag of cotton balls at my house.

29200:15:12,600 --> 00:15:16,100I didn't know what to do. I put themon the floor like little tumbleweeds.

293

00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:18,200I thought cockroacheswould see it...

29400:15:18,300 --> 00:15:20,400...figure, "This is a dead town.Let's move on."

29500:15:21,400 --> 00:15:23,100The dating worldis a world of pressure.

29600:15:23,300 --> 00:15:27,200Let's face it, a date is a job interviewthat lasts all night.

29700:15:27,300 --> 00:15:29,600The difference betweena date and job interview is...

298

00:15:29,700 --> 00:15:33,400...not many interviews is there achance you'll end up naked at the end.


24/33

29900:15:33,900 --> 00:15:36,700You know, " Bill, the boss thinksyou're the man for the position...

300

00:15:36,900 --> 00:15:39,800...strip down and meet the peopleyou'll be working with."

30100:15:43,700 --> 00:15:47,100Wouldn't it be great if you could aska woman what she's thinking?

30200:15:47,300 --> 00:15:50,600What a world it would be if you could

just ask a woman what she's thinking.

30300:15:50,700 --> 00:15:53,700You know, instead I'm like a detective.I gotta pick up clues.

30400:15:53,900 --> 00:15:55,900The whole thing'sa murder investigation.

305

00:15:56,300 --> 00:15:59,200Listen, don't get worked up.You're gonna know the whole story...

30600:15:59,300 --> 00:16:01,200...the minute she steps off.- Really, how?

30700:16:01,400 --> 00:16:03,000It's all in the greeting. All right.

30800:16:03,200 --> 00:16:06,000If she puts the bags down beforeshe greets you, that's a good sign.

30900:16:06,200 --> 00:16:08,800- Anything in the lip area is good.- Lip area.

31000:16:09,000 --> 00:16:11,400

- A hug, definitely good.- Hug is definitely good.


25/33

31100:16:11,600 --> 00:16:14,000What if it's one of those hugswhere the shoulders touch...

31200:16:14,200 --> 00:16:16,200

...the hips are eight feet apart?- Brutal.

31300:16:16,400 --> 00:16:19,000- You know how they do that?- Also, a shake is bad.

31400:16:19,100 --> 00:16:21,100Shake is bad. But what ifit's the two-hander?

31500:16:21,300 --> 00:16:23,800Hand on bottom, hand on top.The warm look in the eyes.

31600:16:23,900 --> 00:16:25,100- Hand sandwich?- Right.

31700:16:25,200 --> 00:16:28,000

It's open to interpretation.So much depends on the layering...

31800:16:28,100 --> 00:16:29,900...the quality of the wetnessin the eyes...

31900:16:30,000 --> 00:16:32,700- Guess who.- Hey, hey. He...

32000:16:32,800 --> 00:16:35,700- Hey, hey.- Hey, hey.

32100:16:39,100 --> 00:16:40,900- It's good to see you.- Hi.

32200:16:41,400 --> 00:16:43,400

- This is my friend George.- Oh, hi.


26/33

32300:16:43,600 --> 00:16:44,800- How are you?- This is Laura.

32400:16:45,000 --> 00:16:48,000

- Sure, Laura, sure.- I can't believe you're here.

32500:16:51,400 --> 00:16:53,500- Get the bags.- Yeah, sure, the bags.

32600:16:53,600 --> 00:16:55,300- Here, Laura. I'm sorry.- Oh, thank you.

32700:16:55,500 --> 00:16:57,800That was an interesting greeting.Notice that, George?

32800:16:57,900 --> 00:16:59,800Yes, the surprise blindfold greeting.

32900:17:00,000 --> 00:17:01,800That wasn't in the manual.

33000:17:03,600 --> 00:17:05,400So...

33100:17:05,600 --> 00:17:07,000...what do you think?

33200:17:09,400 --> 00:17:10,800This place isn't so bad.

33300:17:10,900 --> 00:17:13,900Yeah, it kind of motivates meto work on the road.

33400:17:15,200 --> 00:17:17,400So make yourself at home.

33500:17:34,400 --> 00:17:37,200So can I get you anything?

33600:17:37,400 --> 00:17:39,000


27/33

Bread, water...

33700:17:39,600 --> 00:17:41,400...salad dressing?

338

00:17:41,900 --> 00:17:44,400Actually, do you have any wine?

33900:17:45,700 --> 00:17:47,800Yeah, I think I do.

34000:17:51,300 --> 00:17:53,000Do you mind if I turn this down?

341

00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:56,700No. Yeah, go...Go right ahead. Yeah.

34200:18:00,400 --> 00:18:02,400Jerry, I was wondering...

34300:18:02,500 --> 00:18:04,900...would it be possible,and if it's not, fine...

34400:18:05,100 --> 00:18:07,400...for me to stay heretomorrow night too?

34500:18:09,200 --> 00:18:11,800Yeah. Yeah, sure.Yeah, why don't you stay.

34600:18:12,000 --> 00:18:13,400Yeah.

34700:18:14,700 --> 00:18:17,000What is your schedulefor tomorrow?

34800:18:17,200 --> 00:18:18,400Are you doing anything?

34900:18:18,600 --> 00:18:19,800

No, I'd love to do something.

350


28/33

00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:22,500I have my seminar in the morning,but after I'm wide open.

35100:18:22,700 --> 00:18:24,300Really? What would you like to do?

35200:18:24,400 --> 00:18:25,800Well...

35300:18:26,000 --> 00:18:29,000...I know this sounds touristy,but I'd love to go on one of those...

35400:18:29,200 --> 00:18:31,600

...five-hour boat ridesaround Manhattan.

35500:18:32,200 --> 00:18:34,400Yeah, we could do that.

35600:18:35,400 --> 00:18:37,800Why not? Why not?

35700:18:38,700 --> 00:18:40,700

I'm just... I'm really glad you're here.

35800:18:44,900 --> 00:18:46,400Hello.

35900:18:47,400 --> 00:18:48,800Yes.

36000:18:48,900 --> 00:18:51,200Yes, she is. Hold on.

36100:18:51,300 --> 00:18:53,200It's for you.

36200:18:54,800 --> 00:18:56,400Hello?

36300:18:56,500 --> 00:18:57,700Hi.

36400:18:57,900 --> 00:19:00,800


29/33

No, no. It was great, right on time.

36500:19:00,900 --> 00:19:03,300No, I'm gonna stay here tomorrow.

366

00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:05,200Yes. Yes, it's fine.

36700:19:05,800 --> 00:19:08,100No, we're going on a boat ride.

36800:19:09,900 --> 00:19:11,700Don't be silly.

369

00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:15,100I'm not gonna havethis conversation.

37000:19:15,300 --> 00:19:17,000Look, I'll call you tomorrow.

37100:19:17,100 --> 00:19:18,800Okay. Bye.

372

00:19:19,900 --> 00:19:21,300Never get engaged.

37300:19:24,100 --> 00:19:25,300You're engaged?

37400:19:25,800 --> 00:19:28,900You know, you really have no ideawhat it's like until you do it.

37500:19:29,100 --> 00:19:31,200I'm on this emotional roller coaster.

37600:19:31,400 --> 00:19:32,700You're engaged?

37700:19:32,800 --> 00:19:35,400You know, I can't believe itmyself sometimes.

37800:19:35,500 --> 00:19:38,000You have to start thinking


30/33

in terms of "we."

37900:19:38,100 --> 00:19:40,800- It's a very stressful situation.- You're engaged.

38000:19:41,000 --> 00:19:43,400- Yeah, he's a great guy.- Yeah.

38100:19:43,600 --> 00:19:45,500You'd really like him.

38200:19:45,600 --> 00:19:48,800- I can't wait to get on that boat.

- Me too.

38300:19:50,600 --> 00:19:53,200I swear, I have absolutely no ideawhat women are thinking.

38400:19:53,400 --> 00:19:57,100I don't get it, okay?I admit, I'm not getting the signals.

385

00:19:57,300 --> 00:19:58,800I am not getting it.

38600:19:59,000 --> 00:20:03,000Women, they're so subtle. Their little...Everything they do is subtle.

38700:20:04,100 --> 00:20:07,000Men are not subtle. We are obvious.

38800:20:07,200 --> 00:20:09,400Women know what men want,men know what men want.

38900:20:09,600 --> 00:20:12,800What do we want?We want women. That's it.

39000:20:15,300 --> 00:20:18,100It's the only thing we know for sure.

It really is.

391


31/33

00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:19,800We want women.How do we get them?

39200:20:19,900 --> 00:20:21,600We don't know about that.

We don't know.

39300:20:21,700 --> 00:20:23,800The next step after that,we have no idea.

39400:20:23,900 --> 00:20:27,600This is why you see men honking carhorns, yelling from construction sites.

39500:20:27,800 --> 00:20:30,200These are the best ideaswe've had so far.

39600:20:33,200 --> 00:20:35,800The car horn honk.Is that the beauty?

39700:20:35,900 --> 00:20:38,100Have you seen men doing this?

39800:20:38,200 --> 00:20:40,200What is this? The man is in the car.

39900:20:40,400 --> 00:20:42,300The woman walks bythe front of the car.

40000:20:42,500 --> 00:20:43,800He honks the...

40100:20:45,800 --> 00:20:48,600This man is out of ideas.

40200:20:49,500 --> 00:20:51,000How does the...?

40300:20:54,300 --> 00:20:56,400I don't think she likes me.

40400:20:58,100 --> 00:21:00,400


32/33

The amazing thing is that we stillget women, don't we?

40500:21:00,600 --> 00:21:02,200I mean, men are with women.

40600:21:02,400 --> 00:21:03,900You see men with women.

40700:21:04,100 --> 00:21:07,000How are men getting women?Many people wonder.

40800:21:07,100 --> 00:21:09,400Let me tell you a little bit

about our organization.

40900:21:11,300 --> 00:21:15,000Wherever women are, we have a manworking on the situation right now.

41000:21:15,600 --> 00:21:18,400Now, he may not be our best man...

41100:21:19,900 --> 00:21:21,700

...okay, we have a lot of areasto cover...

41200:21:21,900 --> 00:21:25,600...but someone from our staffis on the scene.

41300:21:25,800 --> 00:21:27,200That's why men get frustrated...

41400:21:27,400 --> 00:21:29,200...when we see womenreading articles...

41500:21:29,400 --> 00:21:31,700...like "Where to Meet Men."

41600:21:32,300 --> 00:21:34,700We're here. We are everywhere.

41700:21:35,100 --> 00:21:37,700We're honking our horns


33/33

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seinfeld - 1x01 - the seinfeld chronicles

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