save your marriage right...

“How To Get Your Ex Back & Save Your Marriage To Rekindle The Romance -‐ For

Good” 1

Save Your Marriage Right Now


Good” 2

You Are Not Alone And There Is Hope If you are having trouble with your marriage, you are not alone. Every couple has its ups and downs, some more so than others. These problems could range from simple misunderstandings to larger concerns. Many issues of marriage are due to personal problems that one or both spouses may be going through (such as losing a parent), more traditional problems between the couple themselves (such as the couple losing touch with each other because they are too busy with children, jobs, and other responsibilities), and sometimes even outside influences (such as money problems due to a lost job). Many times in this modern and complex society, the problems with a person's marriage is a combination of all three types of problems. Moreover, marriages change over the years as both you and your spouse evolve. As the years go by, you both will go through your individual ups and downs as well and these individual changes can affect your relationship with each other. These changes are normal and expected in any long term relationship. Marriage Right Now 4 Nevertheless, if you feel that the issues of your marriage are more serious than the regular ups and downs associated with a long term relationship, do not despair. There is hope; even for the most dysfunctional of marriages. There are numerous solutions that may work for your marriage, including therapy, setting time aside for each other and yourselves as individuals, and even simply taking up hobby. Many marriages have been saved with combinations of the solutions that will be discussed here. Saving your marriage is not just about ensuring that you


Good” 3

and your spouse get along well with each other. It is also about taking care of yourselves as individuals as well. It is vital that you take care of and nurture yourselves as well. For this reason, many couples find that participating in both couple's therapy as well as individual therapy is the best route to working through their marital problems. There are numerous keys to a good relationship. These keys include fostering honest and clear communication between you and your spouse, being open and understanding with your spouse, thinking before speaking, and always make time for each other and yourselves. The solutions discussed here will enable you to start implementing these keys in your marriage and will help to set your marriage back on the right track.Right 5 The most important step you can take to save your marriage is to have hope. Have a positive attitude and know that your marriage will be okay. Once you have this positive outlook, every other problem you and your spouse will have to surmount will seem a lot smaller than it did before. Save Marriage Right Now 6 Why Relationships Turn Sour As stated above, there are numerous reasons for a marriage between two people to become rocky – even the marriage between two people who are still very much in love. This is because relationships are not just based on interactions between the two people involved, but instead are almost like living and breathing entities of their own that interact with the people and environment around them. For example, though you and your husband may love each other with all your hearts, the fact that your mother


Good” 4

despises your husband will strain your relationship, especially if you are close with your mother. No matter what kinds of metaphorical barriers you and your spouse put around yourself and your personal relationship with one another, your relationship will be affected by the outside world. This may be in the form of money problems due to a lost job, less time spent together because of other responsibilities, and many others as well. Individual problems may affect your marriage as well. If you are depressed because of the loss of a loved one or any other reason, for example, your relationship with your spouse will be affected by this. If you do not have time for yourself, you will not be able to make time for your spouse either. Besides the outside influences, there are also the more traditional problems that occur between couples as well. Save Marriage Right Now These include stress put on the marriage because of children, loss of communication because you have fallen into a routine and have stopped working at your marriage, and many others. Though these traditional couple problems are usually the “final straw that breaks the camel's back” so to speak and makes you two realize that there is in fact a problem between you, these are usually caused by underlying problems like those discussed above. For example, if you and your spouse are no longer communicating or spending time together, there will be an underlying cause for that. Perhaps one of you is suffering from depression and no longer wants to speak to anyone about your feelings, let alone your spouse. Or perhaps one of you is worried about losing your job and is now working extra long hours to ensure your job security and


Good” 5

no longer has time to spend with the other. Though you may feel that your relationship's problems are fully unique to you and your spouse, you will be surprised to find the commonalities between your personal relationship issues and those discussed here. Regardless of the uniqueness of your issues, they will be able to be boiled down to one of, or a combination of, the various three types of problems that result in a rocky marriage: outside influences, individual problems, and the most traditional couples problems.Right Now 8 Individual Problems There are numerous individual problems that can cause issues in your relationship to your spouse. These problems can come in many forms. The most common of individual problems that result in issues in one's marriage usually have to do with emotions and feelings. Many times a spouse will become depressed and will stop communicating to the other spouse, resulting in marriage issue, even though the reason for that person becoming depressed has nothing to do with the other person. Many times these emotional individual problems have something to do with one's self esteem. When one's self esteem gets low enough, they will start relating differently to those around them and cause rifts between themselves and their loved ones. Usually these emotional individual problems that affect one's self esteem have something to do with how one feels about one's appearance. Many times, for example, women will begin to have low self esteem regarding their looks and weight, especially if they just recently had children. In fact, most often these emotional individual problems affect women more than men, simply because women are more sensitive to their


Good” 6

emotions. There are individual problems that will affect men more than women, however. For instance, believe it or not, men are actually more prone to depression resulting from lack of work or other employment.Marriage Right Now 9 This is because men see themselves as the providers in the family and when they are unable to provide for their families, they feel that they are not living up to their potential and will become depressed. Often times this depression is a worsening cycle, because the worse the man feels about not providing, the even less likely it is that he will be able to find a good job and stick with it. What makes a man's individual depression even worse is that he will usually not open up to his wife or any one else about how he is feeling, which results in him feeling even lonelier and depressed. There are many other causes of individual depression and other individual problems. Some of these causes include the loss of a family member or other loved one, the loss of a child, and even the loss of an animal. All of these losses will affect the relationship between a husband and wife – especially the loss of one of their children. Thus, the best solution to these types of individual problems that result in marriage problems is to communicate with each other. Tell your spouse how you are feeling before it becomes a problem to you and eventually to your spouse. This is often very difficult for people to do because they have always been taught to keep their feelings to themselves. For this reason, many couples will go to therapy to learn simply how to let the other one in so that they can prevent their individual problems from affecting their marriage. Save Marriage Right Now


Good” 7

10 Couple Problems There are also the more traditional couple problems that affect a marriage. Usually these couple problems are based on one of four underlying issues: communication, children, money, and the physical portion of the marriage. Communication, or rather lack there of, is one of the biggest underlying issues for most marital problems. The most common reason for problems with communication between a husband and wife is that men and women communicate differently. Men will often only tell their wives the basic gist of a situation until their wives nag them for the rest of the information. Women, on the other hand, will tell their husbands even knitty gritty detail of a situation and their husbands will not pay attention to anything they say after a few sentences. Because of this difference in communication styles, there is often a communication break down that results in relationships between men and women. Children, and the parenting of said children, are also one of the biggest underlying issues for most marital problems. This is because many times men and women will have very different parenting styles. Save Marriage Right Now And if the husband and wife do not agree to a set of rules and regulations on how to raise and govern their children, each will end up stepping on the other's toes during the parenting process at one point or another. Even worse, older children will often try to take advantage of this disparity between their parents' parenting styles and will try to play their parents off each other in order to get what they want, which only stresses the tenuous relationship between their parents even more.


Good” 8

Money is also a big cause for marital issues between husbands and wives. Though the reason a couple may be experiencing money problems may be due to an outside influence, many times husbands and wives differ on their money management skills and techniques. Thus, like raising children, if the couple does not speak to each other about how they want to save, invest, and spend their money, they will eventually end up in a fight over what one person did with their money. Thus, it is often a very good idea for a young couple to sit down and discuss what their money techniques are and to agree together on what their money saving goals should be. Finally, the physical relationship of a couple's marriage can end up causing very difficult problems in the relationship between the two people. As a couple's lives get busier with children, work, and other responsibilities, many times a couple will forget to make time for each other. 12 Individual depression and other problems can also result in one of the members of the marriage to not be interested in the physical relationship for a while as well. These kinds of problems and lack of interest can often result in one member of the marriage to have an affair, which often breaks up marriages. Save Marriage Right Now Outside Influences Finally, there are also outside influences that can affect the marriage between a husband and wife. These outside influences come in a variety of shapes and sizes, from employment issues, to extended family issues, to even other people issues. Employment outside influences are some of the most


Good” 9

common issues that result in problems between a husband and wife. This can result in a lot of tension between the couple, especially if the couple begins to have trouble paying bills and making ends meet. When a spouse loses their job, it not only affects the amount of income that the entire family earns, but also affects the spouse's self esteem that lost the job. Thus, not only is the couple experiencing money issues, but at least one member of the couple is also experience a personal and individual depression problem as well. In today's trying economy, employment outside influences are one of the most common reasons for marital problems. Extended family issues are another reason for problems in a relationship between a husband and wife. This is especially true if certain members of the extended family do not like one of the spouses – for instance, a mother in law and son in law. Save Marriage Right Now Because these extended family members can be very important and influential to the spouse they are related to (such as the wife and her mother), the spouse can also be affected by how their extended family feels and thinks (thus a wife can be influenced by her mother's opinion of her husband). Moreover, if a spouse lose a loved one in his or her extended family that is very important to him or her, he or she may develop individual depression problems as well that can strain the marriage even more. There are also other people issues that can affect a marriage as well. For instance, if your husband's boss is continuously making him work long hours that results in you not seeing your husband as much as you would like


Good” 10

to, it is actually your husband's boss that is causing the problem. The people that spouses may have affairs with also fall under this category – especially if they continue to interfere in the relationship between a husband and wife even after the affair is supposedly over. Regardless of these outside influences, these will not usually be the final issue that opens the eyes of the husband and wife and causes them to realize that there is a problem. Instead, these outside influences are often the cause of individual problems, such as depression, that then eventually lead to couple problems, which are usually the final problem that causes most couples to seek help or possibly divorce. Save Marriage Right Now Solutions To Your Marital Problems If reading the last few pages has depressed you, do not despair, because just as the before described problems are very common, so are the solutions to your marital problems as well. And, when followed properly and with as much effort as you can muster, these solutions will have the best probability of saving your marriage. The most important solution to any marital problems is therapy – both individual and couple's. Because most marital problems are combinations of both individual and couple's problems (even outside influences result in one of the two other types of problems), it is recommended that you participate in both individual and couple's therapy. Individual therapy will help you to process any individual problems that you are going through and couple's therapy will help you and your spouse learn to communicate to each other about your individual problems, as well as the other causes of couple's problems such as how to raise your children. Because communication is the key to happy


Good” 11

and successful marriage, learning to communicate in a healthy and understandable way is the first step in rebuilding the relationship between your spouse and yourself. Save Marriage Right Now There are also more unique individual solutions that each spouse should seriously look into and at least choose to try one for their individual problems. The most important one of these solutions is to make time for yourself; as lives and marriages get busier, we often forget to take time out and rejuvenate ourselves. When we forget to do this, we end up feeling very depressed and useless without our significant others around. Taking time out for yourself will help you to remember who you are and your personal goals. The other individual solutions are truly ways that you can make and take time for yourself, such as taking up a hobby, continuing your education, and volunteering. Another really important individual solution is exercise. Not only does taking personal time to exercise give you time to yourself, but it will also improve your health and sense of well being over all. There are also couple's solutions as well. For the most part, these couple's solutions are extensions of the individual solutions because making time for each other is the most important step in solving your couple's problems after learning to properly communicate. Thus, you can take up a hobby together, take a class together, volunteer together, and even exercise together. Nevertheless, though these solutions are similar to the individual solutions, it is still vital that you do at least one individual solution on your own. Many recommend choosing one from each of the categories. Save Marriage Right Now 17


Good” 12

For instance, perhaps your spouse is not interested in continuing his or her education so you can do that one on your own, but he or she is interested in starting an exercise regimen, so you can do that together. That way you will have something that is solely yours alone and something that is yours as a couple. 18 Therapy Because honest and clear communication is the key to any successful relationship, therapy is the key to fixing any marital problems you may be experiencing. Therapy, in which you as an individual or you and your spouse go and speak to a professional about your marital problems, is a great way to get an outsider's opinion of the problems in your marriage. Often times a professional will help you both learn how to not only communicate your feelings more openly and honest to each other, but will also help you learn how to listen to the other's feelings as well. Because most marital problems are a result of a combination of both individual and couple's problems, most professional therapists, especially marriage counselors, recommend a combination of both individual and couple's therapy. This will help the therapist get to know both of you as individuals and and as a couple, which will enable the therapist to give you and your spouse the best advice possible to help save your marriage. In individual therapy, the therapist will help each member of the marriage explore what may be causing how he or she feels. 19 The therapist will help each spouse learn how to personally deal with the feelings and issues that he or she is experiencing and will also help the individual learn how to properly communicate his or her feelings to his or spouse and others as well. Therapists will often explore


Good” 13

the couple's problems in individual therapy as well – helping each spouse see the parts they play in the couple's problems and helping them find other solutions for them. In couple's therapy, the therapist will help the couple explore what may be causing the couple's overall problems and help the couple get over the problems. Often times the latter can be achieved simply by the couple talking about their problems rationally and calmly. The therapist will also help each spouse share the individual problems they discussed in individual therapy with their spouse in couple's therapy as well, which will help the couple grow in their love and understanding of each other. Though therapy may seem expensive, especially with each spouse participating in individual therapy and then the couple participating in couple's therapy, the solutions therapy will help you achieve in your marriage is worth the expense. Moreover, many times the couple will soon realize that they have dealt with their individual problems and will drop the individual therapy after a few sessions, greatly reducing the total cost of their therapy.Right Now 20 However, these few sessions of individual therapy are often vital for a couple to succeed in couple's therapy; thus, do not discount the value of individual therapy because of the price.Right Now 21 Individual Therapy Individual therapy is usually very important in the first stages of resolving your marital problems and saving your marriage. Many times the underlying causes of marital problems are actually individual problems. For this reason, most times both spouses will


Good” 14

participate in at least a few sessions of individual therapy in order to help them fully grasp and understand their marital problems and the roles they played in them on an individual level. For instance, if an underlying cause of the couple's problem of not spending time together is because one of the spouses is very depressed, this spouse would need to discuss their depression and the cause of it with their therapist during individual sessions at first. Once the spouse has fully begun to understand the underlying cause of his or her depression and perhaps even begun to implement some solutions to resolve it, then he or she can share it with his or her spouse in couple's therapy so that they can talk about it. Individual therapy is vital to couple's therapy because oftentimes couples do not communicate well. This is usually due to each spouse being wary of fully opening up to the other, which results in miscommunication or even, in some very extreme cases, lack of communication at all.Right Now 22 Thus, in order for the couple to communicate with each other, each spouse must first fully understand their feelings and problems themselves and then they will be able to learn how to be comfortable enough to share their feelings and problems with their spouse. Many times, spouses do not even know how to communicate – even if they want to. For instance, even though a husband may be aware that he is depressed because he lost his job and knows that he should share that with his wife, he is not sure how to take the first step to open the line of communication with her. Perhaps he is scared that she may judge him. Or perhaps he is unsure exactly how to phrase his feelings without causing her pain and hurt feelings. So instead, he keeps it to himself.


Good” 15

A therapist can help such a husband (or wife) learn the proper steps to communication. The therapist will be able to teach him (or her) exactly how he (or she) can be completely open with his (or her) spouse in a manner that will make him (or her) feel safe and accepted while doing so. The therapist will also be able to show him (or her) how to express his (or her) feelings without hurting his (or her) spouse's feelings. Moreover, later in couple's therapy, the therapist will help each spouse realize that the other accepts them for who they are and will not judge them. Save Marriage Right Now 23 Couple's Therapy how it is portrayed in the movie industry, couple's therapy is still one of the most vita aspects in solving marital problems that exists today – it is also one of the most successful solutions as well. Couple's therapy gives couples a place where they can talk about their marital problems with a neutral third party, the therapist. This third party aspect helps to keep the couple's discussion of their problems a civil conversation instead of a screaming match that often occurs when couples in marital crisis try to discuss their problems alone. A therapist will be able to stop each spouse when he or she begins to express him or herself in an angry and non understanding manner. Moreover, a therapist will be able to teach the couple the steps to honest and open communication and allow the couple to practice these steps in front of the therapist. As seen in just about every American movie that features a couple's marriage problems, couple's therapy is the most common solution sought to solve a couple's marital problems. Regardless of Save Marriage Right Now


Good” 16

24 Learning these steps to honest and open communication is vital to maintaining marital bliss; in fact, most therapists recommend that newly wed couples or even just engaged couples participate in a few marriage counseling sessions to learn these steps to honest and open communication before any marital problems arise. It has been shown that those couples that have participated in these types of pre marital problem sessions are much less likely to have major marital problems during their actual marriage. One of the most important steps in honest and open communication is trust. Each spouse must trust that the other has his or her best interest at heart and will not judge him or her when he or she shares his or her feelings. For instance, a husband will not be willing to open up and show how vulnerable he is feeling if he believes his wife will judge him for being vulnerable. A therapist helps to build this trust between the couple and helps them learn that each member of the couple only has the best interests of the other member at heart. Another very important aspect of and skill necessary for honest and open communication is learning how to express oneself without hurting the other person's feelings. For instance, if a wife is worried because her husband lost his job, she must learn how to express this worry without causing the husband to feel even worse about the fact that he lost his job. A therapist can help each member of the couple learn how to better communicate his or her feelings without hurting the feelings of the other. Save Marriage Right Now Individual Solutions Because individual problems are usually at least one of


Good” 17

the underlying causes of marital issues, it is important for each spouse to take the time to solve their individual problems as well. One important step in solving these problems is individual therapy, which has already discussed. However, there are still a number of other individual solutions that each spouse should look into and seriously consider taking up at least one of them. These include making time for yourself and then a number of ways that you can actually make time for yourself, such as taking up a personal hobby, continuing your education, volunteering, and exercising. Making time for yourself in one of the above mentioned forms or in any other way that you can fathom is vital to solving your individual problems and preventing further individual problems. This is because often each spouse, at least to a certain extent, will lose some of his or her individuality when he or she gets married. For instance, a wife may stop spending time with her personal friends alone; she may only see them when she is with her husband as well. This removes the feeling that these are her personal friends and removes the individuality of this concept. When this is taken to the extreme, a spouse may plan every portion of his or her day around his or her spouse's schedule, which results in the the first spouse having no individual life. This will eventually lead to resentment and discontent for both spouses.Now 26 For this reason, many couple's therapists recommend that couple's denote one day a week for personal time, such as a “boy's night” and a “girl's night.” Therapists often recommend that the couple makes their days the same so that there is no resentment on either spouse's part when the other is out with his or her personal friends. Many couple's therapists also recommend that each spouse takes at least one small mini vacation alone at


Good” 18

least once or twice a year. The mini vacation can be with friends, family members, or simply by yourself, but your spouse can not go. Mini vacations of a day or two will help you fully rejuvenate from any regular stress from your marriage, help you maintain you personal individuality, and help you to appreciate your spouse even more than you already do. Spending time away from one's spouse is also the only way to truly realize how much one's spouse means to one. The adage “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is really true in this sense. When you spend time away from your husband or wife, you will appreciate the time you spend with your husband and wife that much more. Make Time For Yourself As mentioned previously, making time for yourself is the only real solution for any and all individual problems you may be experiencing that are resulting in marital problems. In fact, all other individual solutions are extensions of making time for yourself. There are numerous ways for you to make time for yourself, including taking up a hobby, taking a class or too, volunteering some where, and even exercising. However, the most important thing is that you actually make time for yourself. If you take up a hobby but never take the time to practice or devote to it, then you are not helping yourself. Thus, the most important aspect of making time for yourself is actually making time for yourself. Often times people find making time for themselves incredibly difficult. In today's modern world, we are constantly bombarded with new and more stressful responsibilities and challenges. We are constantly on the


Good” 19

move and constantly on call and it seems impossible to find even a moment to one's self – let alone enough time to actually take a class or volunteer somewhere. Nevertheless, making time for yourself is the only way to not only save your marriage, but also your health and personal mental well being. If you continue to run yourself ragged, you will end up exhausting yourself and your spouse both mentally and physically.Right Now 28 Thus, make time for yourself! How? The easiest way for most busy individuals is to take baby steps. Take thirty minutes every other day or every few days to read a bit of a fun and entertaining book. Or perhaps allow yourself thirty minutes to meditate if you are so inclined. Basically, give yourself thirty minutes to do whatever you want, alone. Sounds easy enough, right? However, most busy individuals will usually schedule their thirty minute break a few days from now and either forget completely about the date when the day and time comes or have something too “urgent” to do instead. To overcome this obstacle, physically schedule your thirty minute break: put it in your calendar on your PDA, your email program, or whatever other technology you may use to schedule your life and set a reminder on it to remind you ten minutes before hand. If you are an on call person, try to send out an email to everyone that may contact you to let them know that you will be out of reach for thirty minutes. And then, when the time comes, disconnect yourself – turn off your phone, your computer monitor, and shut your door to the outside world. It is just thirty minutes; I promise you can do it. Once you have learned the joy of these thirty minute


Good” 20

breaks, you will find yourself scheduling them more often and then extending the time you spend in them. Before you know it, you will be taking yourself on mini vacations without a care in the world.Right Now 2 Take Up A Hobby Taking up a hobby is an excellent way to make time for yourself. Many people enjoy taking up a hobby that takes them outside and allows them to enjoy the sunshine, such as photography, geo caching, and even painting or drawing landscapes. Still others enjoy taking up hobbies that get them out of the house but still out of the outside, which they do not personally enjoy. These hobbies may include dancing, collecting antiques or other collectibles, quilting, and even writing (for fun, not profit). Whatever hobby you choose, make sure that you actually put the effort into learning the hobby and also making the time to practice and actually enjoy the benefits from the hobby. In order to learn about many of the hobbies mentioned and many of the others that exist, you may have to take a class or two. Most community colleges offer very affordable classes on photography, painting, drawing, dance, and even writing. Usually these classes are only a few weeks long and are very enjoyable experiences. These classes should not be seen as a stressor or something that you “have” to do, but instead should be seen as the first step into practicing a hobby that you will thoroughly enjoy and be solely yours. Save Marriage Right Now Once you have learned all about your hobby, then you must actually make time to take advantage of your education and enjoy your actual hobby. For the busiest of people, it often easiest to schedule time to practice their hobby before hand. Again, put the appointment in your PDA, Outlook calendar, or any other item or piece of


Good” 21

technology that you use to manage your schedule and then keep the appointment. Do not book another appointment you are supposed to practice your photography. Do not schedule a lunch date with someone when you are supposed to go to the park and sketch a landscape or too. Most people find it easiest to schedule their hobby practicing time on the weekends, when work is not demanding, or at least less demanding, like it is during the rest of the week. However, many people find that once they have gotten used to practicing their hobby most weekends that they do enjoy adding another additional day to practice it as well or to do something regarding their hobby. For instance, many people who enjoy quilting may dedicate Saturday to a full day of quilting, but may take one night a week to go to a fabric store or to look up new patterns to try the following Saturday. Adding an hour or two dedicated to your hobby will help your remember the benefits of your hobby throughout the week and will cause you to look forward to the weekend even more. Save Marriage Right Now Continue Your Education Go back for an undergraduate degree or perhaps even a graduate degree. Earning a degree or another degree will greatly boost your self esteem and taking the time to earn the degree will improve your overall well being. When you choose to continue your education, however, make sure that you do so slowly, especially if you have a family and a full time job. You do not have to go back to school full time. Instead, you can simply take one or possibly two classes a semester. It may take you five years to get your degree, but it will be a fulfilling and


Good” 22

worthwhile experience instead of the stressful experience fitting in a bunch of classes while working full time would be. In fact, there are actually many different degree programs that are geared to working individuals who have families as well. Many of these programs only offer weekend or night courses and help you to plan your entire course of study. One of the best ways to take some time for yourself and improve your individual problems, especially if your individual problems are the result of low self esteem, is to continue your education. 32 These types of programs are recommended to most working adults with family responsibilities because the professors and administrators at these schools are much more understanding of the responsibilities each student has outside of the classes they are taking than regular professors at traditional schools who are used to teaching eighteen year old freshmen students are. Remember that continuing your education is supposed to be a fun experience, so make sure to choose a program that you are actually interested in. However, to reap the best benefit from continuing your education, it is recommended that you not only choose a program that caters to your interests but that you also choose a program that might actually benefit you in the employment world as well. Nevertheless, the most important aspect when choosing to continue your education as an individual solution for your marital and individual problems is to choose something that you enjoy; so, if you want to get a degree in painting, get a degree in painting. It is whatever makes


Good” 23

you happy. If dedicating yourself to earning a degree does not sound appealing, just take a course or two that interests you; not one that moves toward any degree. Many people enjoy taking a simple history course or anthropology course, for instance, simply because the subject interests them. When you choose to continue your education in this fashion, you should choose to audit the class, which allows you to listen and learn in the class but does not require you to turn in any work or take any tests; this allows you to learn simply to learn. Volunteer One of the greatest ways to work through and forget about your individual problems that are affecting your marriage is to volunteer and help another individual with his or her personal problems. When you choose to volunteer, you will be able to see how lucky you are and will begin to see your personal individual problems as much smaller than your originally thought. Many people also find that they come to solutions to their personal problems by helping others through similar problems. For this reason, professionals often recommend that you try to volunteer some where that relates to your personal individual problems as well. For instance, if you are depressed because you have lost your job and feel that you can not provide for your family, volunteer at a homeless shelter and see what being truly poor means. Or, if you have low self esteem because you are not quite the perfect weight that you want to be, volunteer at a clinic that helps very overweight people or anorexic people, either experience will open your eyes to what true weight problems are and will help you to realize that your problems are nothing.


Good” 24

Besides opening your eyes to the larger problems and helping you to realize that your individual problems are really no big deal, volunteering will also improve your overall well being. This is because when we help others, we feel better about ourselves and our lives. Save Marriage Right Now Thus, if you are unhappy because you have not succeeded in the ways you had hoped you would, volunteering and helping others will improve your happiness. You will begin to feel like a very successful person because of all the lives you have touched and will touch. These feelings of success and well being will greatly improve your self esteem, self image, and your relationship with yourself and your spouse. The reason volunteering aids us so much in solving individual problems and marital problems is that volunteering literally gives us a vacation from our problems. We are forced out of our heads where we continue to obsess about how unhappy be are and forced to physically (and sometimes mentally) aid another human being. When we take time away from our problems, we give ourselves time to heal from the pains our problems have caused us and also give our subconscious time to actually work on a solution to our problems. Just as a “watched pot never boils,” a relationship problem, or any problem for that matter, that is constantly scrutinized, pulled apart, and analyzed will never heal or be solved. Volunteering is one wonderful way to take our eyes off the pot, so to speak, and actually find a solution to our problems.Right Now 35 Exercise


Good” 25

Nevertheless, maintaining and / or improving your health is even more important when you are experiencing marital problems. This is because when you exercise, your body releases endorphins, which are a mood elevating hormone. Thus, when you exercise, you actually feel better, even happy. This is why many therapists recommend taking a walk when you and your spouse get into an argument or even if you are simply stressed – a five minute walk will do wonders for your mood. Moreover, taking a little time to cool off will help you and your spouse get over your argument much more quickly. When you choose exercise as your form of making time for yourself, it is again best for you to schedule your exercise time before hand. To reap the best benefits of exercise, you should try to schedule your exercise at least twice a week. Taking just a fifteen minute walk will do wonders for you if you do it a couple times a week. Many people enjoy practicing their exercise outside or at a gym where they get to take a break from the stress of their own homes. Most experts recommend exercising outside in the sunshine when possible because there are numerous health and mental benefits from soaking up some of the sun's rays. Maintaining improving your health, if necessary, is a vital task that every one should participate in. Right Now However, when you choose to exercise outside, make sure that you properly protect yourself from the sun's rays as well, including wearing sunscreen, sunglasses, and a hat or visor. The benefit of practicing your exercise outside your home may or may not be obvious to you. First, there may be a


Good” 26

number of distractions in your own home, including children, phones, spouses, and even pets. If you are continuously interrupted during your exercise, you will not only not reap the health benefits of exercises but will not gain the personal time you need either. Thus, if you can, plan your exercises routines and regimens outside of your home. If you must exercise at home, try to schedule your exercise routines for when no one else will be at home. Not only does exercise improve your health and gives you a great time to spend by yourself, but it will also improve your self esteem. Besides improving your overall well being because of the endorphins that exercising creates in your body, exercise will also improve your outward appearance. Looking and feeling good is one of the fastest ways to improve your self esteem. This is especially true for women who are suffering from individual depression problems due to low self esteem regarding their outward appearance and overall looks and weight. Save Marriage Right Now 37 Couple Solutions Because couple problems are usually the most prominent problems between married couples, there are also a number of couple solutions that you and your spouse should look into and try in order to improve and possibly save your marriage. The most important couple solution is couple's therapy to improve communication between the spouses, which has been previously discussed. Couple's therapy allow the couple to learn how to properly communicate with each other, which is vital to improving their relationship and saving their marriage. Couple's therapy helps the couple build trust between


Good” 27

each other that enables them to more easily share their feelings with each other and more openly listen to each other as well. Nevertheless, there is a second, almost equally important couple's solution to marital problems as well: make time for each other. And, just like the individual solution of making time for yourself, there are numerous ways that you can make time for each other, including taking up a hobby together, taking a class together, volunteering together, and even exercising together. Even though you technically may spend quite a lot of time with your spouse daily, this is not the same thing as making and spending time together. 38 These daily activities usually involve household responsibilities, such as parenting, bill paying, and perhaps even just sleeping. These are activities that you and / or your spouse would be involved in with or without the other one and are thus not dedicated time spent with the other. Instead, schedule actual quality time with your spouse – time where you and your spouse will do something that both of you enjoy, not time where you and your spouse will do something that has to get done. Many couple's therapists suggest making time for each other by scheduling a weekly or bi weekly date night. Take this time to go to a special restaurant, go to a movie, get a massage, or participate in any other activity that the two of you enjoy. This is a wonderful way to make time for each other and to remember what you love about each other. Though these couple's solutions are very similar to the individual solutions, do not try to combine the two in a way of “killing two birds with one stone” so to speak


Good” 28

because it will defeat the purpose of the individual solutions. Instead, choose one individual solution and a completely different couple's solution so that you can both reap the benefits of both solutions. Most experts recommend that you each choose an individual solution that the other is not very much interested in and then choose a couple's solution that you both fully enjoy. Save Marriage Right Now For instance, if you enjoy drawing but your spouse prefers writing yet you both love walking, then each of you should take the hobby of your choice as your individual solutions and exercising together as your couple's solution.Right Now 40 Make Time For Each Other As mentioned previously, making time for each other is a vital step to solving the couple's problems that you and your spouse are experiencing in your marriage. In fact, all other couple's solutions, outside of couple's therapy, are extensions of making time for each other. There are numerous ways for you to make time for each other, including taking up a hobby together, taking a class together, volunteering some where together, and even exercising together. However, the most important thing is that you actually make and take time for each other. If you take up a hobby together but never take the time to practice or devote to it, then you are not helping yourselves grow closer together. Thus, the most important aspect of making time for each other is actually taking time for each other. Just like making time for yourself, pre schedule your time with one another and make sure that you both keep the date. Thus, make sure that you both put the date in your


Good” 29

PDAs, electronic calendars, or date books and remind each other about the date before hand. Also, just like scheduling time for yourself, you can start out scheduling small amounts of time together as well. Perhaps just spend half an hour cuddling on the couch while you watch a sitcom. Or perhaps just take your dog for a ten minute walk around the block together.Right Now 41 Just like with scheduling individual time for yourself, make sure that you “unplug” yourselves when you are spending time together. Turn off your phones and all other distractions. If necessary, tell your friends, family, and employers that you are going to be unavailable for a certain amount of time (for those very busy people, it may be best to schedule your one on one time with your spouse on the weekends when demands are less). Just enjoy being with the one you love more than anyone else in the world. Once you are more comfortable with spending time together, whenever possible try to schedule longer amounts of time together, such as going to dinner every once in a while or going to a movie. These longer amounts of time will allow you two to bond again and remember why you fell in love. Moreover, because these longer amounts of time together require that you go somewhere else, there will be less chance of distractions from children, other family members, and friends. Before you know it, you and your spouse will crave the times you spend together and will want to spend even more time together. Eventually you will be able to start scheduling mini weekend vacations together and perhaps eventually will be able to take even extended vacations together. Save Marriage Right Now 42


Good” 30

Take Up A Hobby Together Taking up a hobby that you and your spouse enjoy is an excellent way to make time for each other. Just like individual hobbies, many couples enjoy taking up a hobby that takes them outside and allows them to enjoy the sunshine, such as photography, geo caching, and even painting or drawing landscapes. And those couples who do not enjoy the outside experience as much may enjoy taking up dancing, collecting antiques, or even going to museums. Whatever hobby you and your spouse choose, make sure that you actually put the effort into learning the hobby and also making the time to practice and it once you both learn the necessary skills. In order to learn about many of the hobbies mentioned and many of the others that exist, you may have to take a class or two. Most community colleges offer very affordable classes on photography, painting, drawing, and even dance. Usually these classes are only a few weeks long and are very enjoyable experiences. These classes should not be seen as a stressor or something that you two “have” to do, but instead should be seen as the first step you two are taking in order to practice your hobby that will bring you two closer together. Save Marriage Right Now Once you have learned all about your hobby, then you must actually make time to take advantage of your education and enjoy the actual hobby together. For the busiest of people, it often easiest to schedule time to practice their hobby before hand. Again, put the appointment in both of your PDAs, Outlook calendars, or any other items or pieces of technology that you both use to manage your schedules. Then, keep the appointment!


Good” 31

Do not book another appointment when the two of you are supposed to go geo caching. Do not schedule a meeting when you two are supposed to visit a museum. Though many people enjoy spending a little extra time during the week on their individual hobbies, it is not recommended that you and your spouse over do the time you spend on your hobby unless you are both incredibly interested in it. Many times one spouse is slightly more interested in the hobby than the other and spending another portion of another day on the hobby is a little too much for one of the spouse's. However, if the couple has been going to therapy, each spouse should be able to openly and honestly talk about their feelings regarding the hobby and perhaps will be able to find another one that both of them fully enjoy. Just make sure that you are willing to give a hobby that your spouse is interested a try in order to be as open and understanding as possible. Besides, many times you do not know you will enjoy a hobby until you have tried it! Save Marriage Right Now Take A Class Together Unlike the continuing your education individual solution, it is not advisable that you and your spouse choose to continue your education together. Instead, you should just enroll in a class or two that you both will enjoy. These classes can be academic in nature, such as a history or poly science class, or they can be elective in nature, such as an art or dance class. Basically, these are supposed to be entertaining and fun classes that you both are interested in, not stressful classes that become “have to” events for either of you. Taking a class or a couple classes together is a great way


Good” 32

for you to both widen your interests and perhaps find a hobby that you both enjoy participating in. In fact, taking a class together is often how couples find a hobby that they are both interested in enough to take up. The best place for most couples to find a class that they are interested in taking is a community college. This is because anyone can take courses at the local community college without having to jump through hoops to be admitted into the school. Furthermore, the courses offered by community colleges are often much cheaper than other schools; and, because you and your spouse are not seeking a degree from the school, it really does not matter where you choose to take the course. The important this that you and your spouse actually take a course. Save Marriage Right Now If you and your spouse are not interested in taking any kind of class offered at your local community college, you should look into courses offered at your local community center and YMCA. Many times these places offer wonderful courses at reasonable prices that teach you a number of interesting and fun hobbies, such as cooking, baking, and even pottery classes. The wonderful thing about taking classes together as a couple is that you both can experience new things together and can expand your horizons together. By choosing to do such wonderful activities as taking a class or a couple of classes together as a couple, you have the opportunity to grow together as a couple. Taking courses together also enables you both to find new interests together and helps you to foster even more commonalities between the two of you than existed before, strengthening your relationship. Moreover,


Good” 33

because none of these courses are incredibly expensive or tedious, if you two are not happy with your choice, you can simply take another one in a few weeks. It is a wonderful way for you both to expand your horizons without fully committing yourself to something. So, what are you waiting for, enroll you and your spouse in a class today! Save Marriage Right Now Volunteer Together One of the greatest ways to work through and forget about you and your spouse's problems that are affecting your marriage is to volunteer and help another individual with his or her personal problems. When you choose to volunteer, you will both be able to see how lucky you are and will begin to appreciate each other even more. Many couples also find that they come to solutions to their personal relationship problems by helping others through similar problems. For this reason, professionals often recommend that you try to volunteer some where that relates to your personal couple problems as well. For instance, if you two are worried about money because things are a little tight in this economy, volunteer at a homeless shelter and see what being truly poor means. Besides opening your eyes to the larger problems and helping you to realize that your couple problems are really no big deal, volunteering will also improve the overall well being of you and your spouse this is because when we help others, we feel better about ourselves and our lives. Thus, if you are both unhappy because your marriage is not as successful as you would like it to be, volunteering and helping others will improve your happiness. Save Marriage Right Now 47


Good” 34

You will begin to feel like a very successful couple because of all the lives you have touched and will touch. These feelings of success and well being will greatly improve your relationship with each other and everyone else you know. Just like volunteering as an individual, the reason volunteering aids us so much in solving couple's marital problems is that volunteering literally gives us a vacation from our problems. We are forced out of our heads where we continue to obsess about how unhappy we are and forced to physically (and sometimes mentally) aid another human being. By volunteering together, you and your spouse will foster a mutual feeling of self respect and genuine affection for the rest of the human race, as well as one another. You will both begin to appreciate your personal situation and realize how lucky you truly are. There are many ways to find volunteering options in your neighborhood. The best resource will be to ask your couple's therapist, however, because he / she will be able to point you in the direction of the best volunteering option for your specific situation – your therapist will be able to help you find a volunteering position that will help you two work through your personal couple problems as well. The Internet is also another great source to find volunteering opportunities. Save Marriage Right Now Finally, most community colleges and community centers also have a bulletin board or two near the common area, like the student union, where volunteering opportunities and other things like that are usually posted. Save Marriage Right Now Exercise Together


Good” 35

As stated before, maintaining and improving your health, if necessary, is a vital task that every one should participate in. Nevertheless, maintaining and / or improving your health is even more important when you are experiencing marital problems. This is because when you exercise, your body releases endorphins, which are a mood elevating hormone. Because many times people do not fully enjoy exercising, making it a couple's solution activity is a great idea. Not only will you and your spouse spend quality time together, but you will both be getting healthier and elevating your moods in general. Moreover, because the two of you will be exercising together, you be able to motivate each other and make sure that you do not miss a day o scheduled exercise. For instance, if one day after work you do not feel like taking your dog for a walk even though you and your spouse had previously scheduled the activity, your spouse can remind you of your promise and motivate you to take your walk anyway. If you are exercising by yourself and run into a similar lack of self motivation, you have no outside influence available to you to help you change your mind or to simply force you out of the house. 50 Exercising together and getting into shape together is also a wonderful way to improve your health and the self esteem of each of you. Moreover, such bodily improvements will help you both in any physical relationship problems you and your spouse may have been going through. Thus, schedule some exercise for you and your spouse. It does not have to be anything intense like jogging or hiking; start slow to get you and your spouse interested in the activities. Try just a ten to fifteen minute walk with


Good” 36

your dog, if you have one. Or perhaps take a short bike ride if you are at all interested. If you and your spouse are at all interested, many community colleges actually offer exercise courses a couple times a week and charge a small amount like they do for the hobby courses. Many times these courses include such things as various dance classes, yoga and other flexibility classes, and even martial arts classes. If you are at all interested in taking a class that incorporates body movements, your local community college should offer at least one course that may be of interest to both you and your spouse. Thus, if you ad your spouse are at all interested, you should check out the course listings at your local community colleges. So what are you waiting for? Call your local community college or colleges today and find a class or classes that interest both you and your spouse!Marriage Right Now 51 Keys To A Good Relationship Thus, in summary, there are numerous keys to a good relationship. The first and most important key to a good relationship is honest communication. Honest communication, as stated numerous times before, is vital to having a healthy and successful marriage. Being able to share one's feelings openly and honestly with the most important person in your life is vital to ensuring that you have an open and understanding marriage and relationship in general. It is also important to foster an understanding environment between you and your spouse. This is vital for open and honest communication. If your spouse is not open and understanding while you share your true feelings with him or her, when would you ever be willing to share your feelings again. No matter how much you


Good” 37

love your spouse, there will be times when you two disagree and it is vital that you are both able to openly express your opinions to one another and even more vital that you are each open to and understanding of each other's opinions. Another important aspect of honest and open communication is the idea of thinking before you speak. Instead of blurting out the first thing that comes to mind when you and your spouse are arguing, stop a moment and think about what you want to say.Right Now 52 This pause will enable you to phrase your statement in such a way as to not offend or hurt your spouse's feelings. People are much more apt to be understanding of opinions and arguments that are thoughtfully delivered instead of rudely yelled. Again, another key to a good relationship is making time for both yourself and for you and your spouse together. As discussed in great detail earlier, there are numerous ways that you can make time for yourself and for you and your spouse together. Regardless of the various ideas and options you choose to spend time with yourself and your spouse, the most important thing that you do is actually spend time together. Do not just haphazardly say you will spend time together but then never follow through with the plan. You only reap the benefits of these activities if you actually participate in them. If you and your spouse do not have all of these keys to a good relationship in your relationship, a couple's therapist can easily help you learn tools and techniques to begin to work on bringing these keys into your relationship. Moreover, even if you are lucky enough to have all of


Good” 38

these keys in you and your spouse's relationship, remember that you must work on these keys and continue to foster them in order to reap the full benefits from them and to keep your relationship as healthy as it currently is. Marriage takes work – especially good marriages.Now 53 Honest Communication encourages honest and open communication – an environment that will enable you both to share what is going on individually. By sharing your individual feelings, you will not only strengthen your relationship with your spouse but will also help yourself to get over your individual issues more quickly. Honest communication is the only true solution to any marital problems. You and your spouse must speak about what is going on. This is usually most easily done in front of a couple's therapist – a neutral party so to speak – that is able to help guide you two through honest and open communication with each other. He or she will also be able to help you both evaluate your marital problems and break them down to their underlying individual, couple's, and outside influence issues. He or she will also be able to help you both learn tools that will enable you to learn to express yourselves quickly and easily as soon as something begins to bother you, which will greatly help to reduce resentment and misunderstandings in your relationship. Once again, honest communication is the most vital ingredient for an open, healthy, and happy relationship and marriage. Save Marriage Right Now 54


Good” 39

Basically a therapist can help you both learn exactly how to be open and honest with one another. He or she will be able to help you learn exactly how to state how you feel without hurting anyone's feelings, etc. If you are terribly closed off, you may want participate in some individual therapy sessions prior to going into couple's therapy. That way you will be able to talk about your problems with just the neutral party first and learn some tools and techniques that will eventually help you to share your problems with your spouse as well. It is often quite useful to see the same therapist for both your individual and couple's sessions so that your therapist can get to know you as well as possibly and help you through your problems. He or she will able be able to help you more easily work up to sharing your concerns and feelings with your spouse in couple's sessions if he or she is aware of your personal thoughts, feelings, and concerns from individual therapy sessions. Remember, without honest and open communication, you will never be able to foster the kinds of relationships that every school girl dreams of. You must be able to open yourself up and be vulnerable to truly connect with another human being with all aspects of your own being. And it is only these kinds of relationships in which the two people involved not only stay together their entire lives but also are completely happy, content, and in love with one another throughout their entire relationship. Save Marriage Right Now Understanding Just as being open and honest in your communications to your spouse is important, so is being understanding of the thoughts, feelings, and concerns that your spouse openly and honestly shares with you. The only way your


Good” 40

spouse will truly be comfortable being very honest and open with you is if you are open and and understanding of anything he or she shares with you. If you immediately snap to judgments and cut off your spouse because you do not like what he or she is telling you, you are robbing both of you of the open and honest communication that all relationships need in order to full prosper. The most important aspect of being understanding when your spouse is sharing his or her feelings is that you are completely open to what he or she is saying and you keep yourself quiet until he or she finishes what he or she wants to tell you. That is, if your husband is trying to tell you that he just lost his job and you cut him off before he is able to tell you that already found a bigger and better job, you will get angry and upset and make him angry and upset when there would be no cause for that kind of stress and anger if you simply had kept quite for another few seconds. Save Marriage Right Now Learning to be understanding of and open to everything that your spouse is feeling and sharing all the time is very difficult and even those in the most successful relationships struggle with this task at times. Nevertheless, learning to be understanding is an invaluable skill when it comes to managing your relationship with your spouse. If you are able to foster an understanding relationship between you and your spouse, you are almost guaranteed to be together the rest of your lives. A therapist is the best resource in learning how to begin to foster and understanding relationship between you and your spouse. Just as a couple's therapist will sit with both of you and help you each learn the tools of open and honest communication to share your true thoughts, feelings, and opinions with each other, he or she will


Good” 41

simultaneously help the spouse that is sitting and listening learn how to listen to everything the speaking spouse is saying with an understanding heart and soul. Learning to be understanding is a skill that takes continuous practice. Thus, try to always be conscious of your reactions and thoughts when your spouse is sharing something with you. This will be hard work, but the benefits that you will be able to reap from the practice and effort that you put into your communications will be worth it. Save Marriage Right Now Think Before You Speak Another very important aspect of fostering an environment of open and honest communication and understanding is thinking before your speak. This is an incredibly important aspect because if you phrase your thoughts, feelings, and opinions in a manner that offends your spouse, you are much less likely to be met with an air of understanding and love. Instead, you are likely to be met with anger, frustration, and hurt. These are not reactions that will help you both grow in your understanding of and communication with one another. Thus, take a moment and think about exactly what you want to say and how you want to say it. Make sure to phrase your speech in such a way as to be very honest and open but also in such a way that is is neither blaming or derogatory to your spouse. This may sound like a very difficult task, but once you get the hang of taking a moment before speaking, you will find this skill coming to you easily and without any kind of effort at all. One very easy way to learn how to think before you speak is to take advantage of some individual therapy. A therapist will be able to teach you exactly how to phrase


Good” 42

your thoughts and feelings so that you do not hurt anyone's feelings that may be listening. Most often a therapist will simply do this my tutoring you. He or she will allow you to tell him or her what you want to say and then he or she will correct bits of your language that may be offending or hurtful to some people. 58 Men often find this tutelage very useful when it comes to learning how to phrase their thoughts and feelings to women that tend to read much more into statements than men generally do. Another very easy way for you to learn to think before you speak is to make yourself count to five or ten before responding. This is especially useful if you are in a heated discussion with your spouse and are tempted to respond in anger. If you can teach and train yourself to simply breathe and count to five or ten before responding to your spouse, you will greatly reduce the fights that you and your spouse will get into. Thus, whenever possible think before you speak or respond. This is a skill that gets better with practice, so keep practicing until it becomes second nature. Many times therapists will recommend that their patients wear some kind of reminder for themselves, such as a bracelet or ring. Seeing such a reminder all day long will quickly ingrain the idea of thinking before speaking in your head permanently.Now 59 Make Time For Yourselves And Each Other The final key to any good relationship is making time for both yourselves as individuals and each other. It is vital in any relationship that each participant takes time for themselves. This is the only way that each member can maintain their individuality and their sanity.


Good” 43

When one individual gives up his or her entire individuality for another, the resulting relationship is neither healthy or fulfilling – it is simply dysfunctional and frustrating for all involved. Just as making time for yourself is vital, making time for each there is also incredibly important. Even though you may feel that you and your spouse may spend quite a bit of time together in every day mundane activities, it is important to show one another how important you are to each other. So, plan a romantic surprise dinner for you spouse one evening. Surprise your spouse with flowers at work. Marriage Right Now 60 Even if you have been together for decades, it is never a bad idea to remind your spouse how much you care for them. Moreover, the more one on one personal time you two have with each other will only strengthen your relationship and guarantee the success of your marriage for years to come. Sounds easy enough, but many people find it incredibly difficult to actually spend time together as a couple and improve their relationships with one another. Why? Well, for the most part in today's society, most of us have very busy lives in which we are constantly on the move and constantly on call and thus, many of us find it very difficult to set aside time to dedicate spending alone and with our spouses. For this reason, it is usually easiest to schedule your time before hand – to actually mark off the time as busy on your personal calendar (be it in your PDA, on your computer, or in a simple day book). This way there is no chance that you will double book anything. Another important step in learning how to actually take time out of your busy schedule for personal time and time


Good” 44

with your spouse is to take baby steps. Start out just scheduling thirty minute intervals – read a chapter or two of a book you enjoy or watch a sitcom with your spouse. Once you remind yourself how good this personal time and one on one time is, you will soon be open to scheduling larger amounts of time.Right Now 61 Regardless, if you want your marriage to succeed and be a success, then you must work at it, which means that you must make individual time for you and your spouse – on a regular basis. This is the only way that you will continue to strengthen your relationship and improve the overall success of your marriage. Save Marriage Right Now Things To Avoid Just as there are a few keys that you should strive for in your relationship with your spouse, there are also a couple of things that you should try to avoid. The first is losing your individuality when you get into a relationship. This can occur when you are lacking self esteem and want to try to appease your significant other in any way you can in order to ensure that you do not lose him or her. This may result in you agree with anything he or she says, scheduling your entire life around his or her schedule, and simply not taking any time for yourself. Eventually, losing your individuality will result in you resenting your spouse or significant other and will end up with you having severe individual problems as well. Another very important event that occurs a lot in dysfunctional relationships that you should try to avoid is projecting your problems onto others. This can occur if you are suffering from an individual problem, such as depression, and you blame how you are feeling on your spouse or other people outside of your relationship. The


Good” 45

only way that you will be able to properly deal with and get over your individual problem is if you owe up to it and figure out what the underlying cause of it is. Save Marriage Right Now Projecting you problems onto others also takes the form of believing that having children or bringing a pet into your dysfunctional home will resolve your relationship issues. In fact, they actually worsen your relationship issues by further straining your relationship with your spouse. Moreover, bringing a child or animal into a dysfunctional relationship is an incredibly selfish thing to do for the child or animal. Often times a therapist will be able to help you realize how you can begin to start avoid the thought patterns and actions that will lead you to these two very big relationship “no no's.” He or she will be able to help you choose better thought patterns and actions that will avoid these mistakes in the future. Moreover, he or she will also be able to explain to you why your think the way you do that leads to these mistakes. Once you understand the motivation behind the thoughts that are ill conceived, you will be much more successful in learning how to change them and eventually avoid them altogether. If you have already fallen into these “no no” traps before, do not worry. There is hope for every one and every single relationship. The most important thing for you to do is to recognize these mistakes you have made in the past, own up them, and vow to work on not repeating them again. Save Marriage Right Now Losing Your Individuality Losing your individuality seems to be an epidemic in modern relationships for one, if not both, of the people involved in the relationship. This often results from low


Good” 46

self esteem on the part of one, and possibly both, of the people involved in the relationship. Many times the person with low self esteem will agree with everything and anything that the other member of the relationship thinks, feels, and likes in order to ensure that he or she does not lose the person. The result of continuously doing this is that you lose your individuality. Many times this is taken a step further to the point that the person losing their individuality actually schedules their entire life around the other person. This results in the first person losing any personal time and personal freedom. Eventually this will result in resentment, on both persons parts. This will lead to depression in the one that has lost his or her individuality and anger in the other. If these feelings are not openly communicated, even more resentment will build up until another more traditional couple problem rears its ugly head and the couple either breaks up and attempts to solve the problem. However, preventing the loss of one's identity is a lot easier than trying to fix a relationship in which this has already happened.Right Now 65 Thus, keep your individuality. Share your opinions with your significant other. If he or she truly loves you, then he or she will love you for your opinions. Also, do not ever allow yourself to schedule your entire life and social life around your significant other's. Though spending a lot of time with your significant other is preferable, you must also keep something that is solely yours. Make sure to schedule personal time with yourself or just your close friends on a weekly basis. These times will help you to keep a perspective on your relationship and also help you to keep and grow your individual spirit.


Good” 47

If you find it difficult to keep yourself from falling into the traps that lead to you losing your individuality in relationships, consider seeing an individual therapist. Such a therapist will help you look below the surface problem and find which insecurities are lying below this problem. Once you have found the underlying issues, your therapist will help your process and get over them. If you and your husband are involved in couple's therapy, consider asking your couple's therapist if he or she is willing to see you on an individual basis for a couple of sessions to help you deal with this problem. It is useful to use the same therapist because he or she will already know you quite well and will also be able to help you connect your underlying individual problems with your marital problems as well. Save Marriage Right Now Projecting Your Problems On to Others The other important relationship trap to avoid is projecting your problems onto others. Often times, when we suffer from an individual problem, we do not recognize it as such. Instead, we simply blame another person for our problems. For instance, if you are depressed because of the loss of family member, you may blame your spouse for your depression because he or she is not supporting you and your feelings instead of the underlying feeling of simply missing your family member. This kind of projecting is very dangerous in relationships because it perpetuates a lie to ourselves. If you find yourself continuously participating in this kind of projection, consider individual therapy. Your therapist


Good” 48

will be able to help you recognize when you are falling into this kind of projection thought pattern and will help you learn valuable strategies to turn off this negative projection thinking. If you and your spouse are seeing a couple's therapist, consider asking him or her to see you on an individual basis for a few sessions. This will give your couple's therapist even more insight into you. Another kind of projection that is very common in dysfunctional relationships today is to believe that brining another life into your dysfunctional relationship will solve the problems you are having. Many women tend to think that if they get pregnant and give their husbands a child, all of their relationship problems will disappear.Now 67 Though this may seem like the case for a few months after the child is born; you will soon realize that your problems have not disappeared, they have simply been put on the back burner while you and your husband deal with the stress and worry that comes with a new baby. Eventually, however, your original relationship problems will rear their ugly heads and then you will soon discover that your already strained relationship with your spouse is even more strained with the added stress and responsibilities that come with a new child. To a lesser extent, this second kind of projection can also occur when one of the people involved in the relationship decided to get a pet. Especially if the pet is young, there will be added stress in the relationship in the beginning. And again, it will appear at first that your original problems have disappeared with the excitement and stress of having a new puppy or kitten in your household, but eventually you will end up with just more problems that you started with. Besides ending up with even more relationship issues,


Good” 49

bringing any kind of new life into a dysfunctional relationship as a “bandage” for your underlying relationship problems is an incredibly selfish thing to do. The new life that you bring into the relationship will not have an enjoyable existence and neither will you or your significant other. Save Marriage Right Now Conclusion dedicate yourself to improving you relationship. There are numerous causes of marital problems, but they basically boil down to one of three types: individual problems, external problems, and more traditional couple problems. Often times the more traditional couple problems are what cause the couple to recognize that there is a problem with their relationship, but upon further investigation they discover that their traditional couple problem is a result of each of their individual problems, which in turn are results of external factors and causes. Thus, all of these causes are intertwined. The most important step you can take to save your marriage is to participate in therapy – both individual and couple's. The individual therapy will help each of the spouses learn what their underlying issues are, learn how to communicate those worries and fears in a calm and understanding manor, and eventually work through these issues. Couple's therapy helps the couple lean how to communicate and listen to each other; each spouse will eventually share some of what they learned about themselves in individual therapy and the other will each in turn listen calmly and rationally. The other most important step in saving your marriage is


Good” 50

to simply make time for yourself alone and for your spouse. This can be done in a number of ways, including, but not limited to, taking up a hobby, continuing your education, volunteering, and starting an exercise routine. Making time for yourself will help you to maintain your individuality while making time for your spouse will help you two remember why you fell in love in the first; both activities thus strengthen your relationship with yourself and with your spouse, respectively. There are a few basic keys to a good relationship: honest and open communication, being understanding of your spouse, thinking before you speak, and making time for yourself and others. If you and your spouse continuously work on attaining and maintaining these keys in your relationship, your relationship will be successful always. There are also two things you should avoid if you want a successful relationship: losing your individuality and projecting your feelings onto others. If you continuously fall into these relationship “no no's,” you may find it very useful to see a therapist on an individual basis. 70 Such a therapist will help you spot the thought patterns that cause you to fall into these relationship “no no's” and will also help you learn how to change your thought patterns so that you eventually do no even think in this way.

save your marriage right...

Documents