samford marriage and family class

Emotional Responses to Divorce and Legal Tools Designed to Lessen the Impact

Fran Quarles, Esq.

1 2013 Quarles Law Firm, LLC. All rights reserved. ©

Pre-1857 England, Divorce Only Obtained Through Church of England Courts ◦ Divorce a vinculo matrimonii Divorce Nullity from Beginning – Any Children of

Marriage then Declared Illegitimate ◦ Divorce a mensa et a thoro From “Bed and Board” – Could Not Remarry ◦ Parliamentary Divorce Usually for Men (4 granted to women before 1857) First Must Obtain Divorce a mensa et a thoro Sue Wife (successfully) on Ground of Adultery Could Remarry; Children Remain Legitimate

© 2013 Quarles Law Firm, LLC. All rights reserved.

2

Thomas Hardy’s Mayor of Casterbridge Led Wife by Halter to Market for Auction Transaction Completed by Handing Over

Halter to Highest Bidder/New Husband

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1815: Wife & Child Sold for £1 1824: Wife Discounted to 5s; She Balked at the

Purchaser; Put Up Again for 3s & Quart of Ale BUT SEE:

1830: “’e[the husband] turned shy, and tried to get out of the business, but Mattie mad’ un stick to it. ‘Er flipt her apern in ‘er gude man’s face, and said, ‘Let be yer rogue. I wull be sold. I wants a change!’”

More found at: http:en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wife_selling_(English_custom)


4

Not Trained as a Psychologist/Psychiatrist in Law School

Clients Need Hand-Holding at Times Lawyers Should Never Forget that Most

People Unfamiliar with Legal Process


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Death of the Marriage Death of Dreams of a “Perfect Life” ◦ White Picket Fence

Death of Hopes Correcting Childhood Sorrows/Own Parents’ Divorce

Death of Any Number of Things


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Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross 1969 Book, On Death and Dying Terminally Ill Experience 5 Emotional Stages

(in no particular sequence): ◦ Denial ◦ Anger ◦ Bargaining ◦ Depression ◦ Acceptance


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“I want to stop him from divorcing me.”

“He can’t divorce me if I don’t want it, right?”

Can’t Unilaterally Stop a Divorce: It Will Eventually Happen – Sooner or Later

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All rights reserved. 8

Physical Abuse Mental Abuse/Intimidation ◦ Purchase Gun/Join Firing Range ◦ Tell Neighbors Falsehoods: “She’s Spending Us Into

the Poorhouse” Humiliation ◦ False Reports to Dept. of Human Resources ◦ Closing Bank Account & Not Telling Spouse ◦ Closing Country Club Membership & Not Telling

Spouse

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All rights reserved. 9

PUSH YOUR BUTTON!


Child to Custodial Parent: “You’re spoiling all our fun!”

Teenager to Custodial Parent: “I want to go live with mom/dad.”

Parental Kidnapping “Disney” Dad/Mom Couldn’t Pay Bills, but Took Kid to Disney World

Digital Age: Husband Threatened to Delete Baby Photos Housed in the Cloud


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Stay Calm Neutral Statement Younger Child: “It Sounds like Daddy/Mommy

was Having a Bad Day When He/She Said That.”

Older Child: “We’ll Discuss This When You’ve Calmed Down.”

Never Let Your Ex/Spouse Drag You Down Into the Gutter


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“Can’t You Just Go Buy a New Vacuum Cleaner?” ◦ “But Momma Gave it to Us . . . .” ◦ Sometimes the Smallest Things Can Become

Sticking Points to the Emotionally Overwrought Christmas Eve ◦ Mothers Have Given on Financial Issues to Be

Assured of Having Custody of Children on Christmas Eve ◦ Divorce Process May Make People Hone In on What

Is Emotionally Important


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Client Unable to Make Decisions

Client Has Hard Time Understanding Explanations

Could Affect Custody Decision


14

Marriage May Have Died Long Ago Wife Agreed to No Alimony; Just Pay For Children’s

College Boomerang Effect – Watch Out! ◦ Ex-Wife Fine Until Ex-Husband Got Engaged a Year

Later, then Fell Apart


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Uncontested/No-Fault Divorce ◦ Parties Agree on Terms ◦ Settlement Agreement Negotiated Between Parties &

Attorneys ◦ Fairly Amicable at Times ◦ Parties Usually Not Happy But Not Going to Fight It

Mediation ◦ Parties & Their Attorneys Have Third-Party Mediator Help

Negotiate Terms of Agreement ◦ Somewhat Amicable ◦ Parties Focused on Not Going to Trial, But Each Usually

Has to Compromise on Some or All Issues NOTE: Can Start Out as a Contested Divorce, Then Settle or Go to Mediation


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Contested Divorce ◦ Goes to Trial (non-jury) ◦ Alabama an “Equity” State (Not Community Property) Potential for a “Winner Take All” if One Party at Fault

◦ Trial Process Can Take a Year or More Emotionally & Financially Draining

Collaborative Divorce ◦ Relatively New to Alabama ◦ Team Approach – Attorneys, Mental Health Professionals as

“Coaches” & Child Advocates, and a Financial Neutral ◦ More Positive Approach ◦ Settlement Agreement Based on True Agreement Between Parties –

Not Compromises


Protection from Abuse (PFA) Order ◦ Ala. Code Section 30-5-1 et seq. ◦ Ex Parte (Without the Other Party; Hearing Later) ◦ May Get Abuser Out of House

Alabama Parent-Child Relationship Protection Act (“Relocation Act”) ◦ Ala. Code Section 30-3-160 et seq. ◦ At Least 45-Day Written Notice to Non-Relocating Parent ◦ 30 Days for Him/Her to Object & File Suit ◦ Move Must be Found in “Best Interests” of Child

Parenting Plan for Joint Custody ◦ Ala. Code Section 30-3-153 ◦ Can Split Responsibilities – Education, Medical, Etc.


If There Are Minor Children, Emotional Turmoil Does Not Always End with Final Decree

Day-to-Day Hassles ◦ “Car Seat Not Used” ◦ Emotional Abuse

Modifications ◦ Custody ◦ Visitation ◦ Support

Post-Minority Support Death Benefits


Fran Quarles, Esq. Quarles Law Firm, LLC www.quarleslawfirm.com [email protected] 313 20th Street North, Suite 205 Birmingham, AL 35203 205.583.4737

samford marriage and family class

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