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rottingscone.com ROTTING SCONE 3

RS7410Babies Making Double BabiesScientists that are also babies sucessfully

FUHDWH�WKH�ÀUVW�EDE\�FORQHBy Tofu Grace

22FEATURES

The Prom Queen of Souls Whitney Houston returns from the

grave with some bloody good hits.

By Dingle Burt

6 6

Is the Union Weekly 4 Real with this?Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

By Joey Jo-Jo Junior Shabadoo

5?

This New Band I Found on SpotifyI forget the name but it’s really good.

By Timothy Tooth

32ROCK & ROLL

The Rise and Fall of Def LepersA group of ostricised lepers that changed

the face of music today.

By (Insert Author Name Here)

32

Shitty Weekend at a Weird BeachLet me know what that article is

about. I haven’t read it yet.

By Miak Ernest

60

DEPARTMENTS

Sex Scenes in CinemaErotic stuff you should watch when

your mom leaves for the store.

By Peenus Travels

69

ON THE COVER Photo of Whitney Houston performing post-mortem at the Roxy, by Moldi Shangles/Smarch.

March 24, 2014

All the NEWS

THAT FITS”

‘‘

6

4 ROTTING SCONE rottingscone.com March 24, 2014

“Everyone needs a little biscuit in their life.” ! Gwen Stefani on the meaning of gravy and the fourth wall.

ICE T AND COCO T’S BIG T IN TAHITIThe couple vacays in French Polynesia to introduce WKH�ORFDOV�WR�WKH�QHZHVW�ÁDYRU��&UXQFK\�0XVWDUG��from their bubble tea franchise. The Ts hope that this publicity will increase viewership of their show Ice Loves Coco in Tahiti.

ARMPITS GONE WILD�0DGRQQD�VKRZV�KHU�VXSSRUW�for PETA on Instagram by showcasing her home-grown fur to be used in her new line of winter coats. The songstress also plans to donate some of her fur to DORSHFLD�SDWLHQWV�DQG�WR�1LFNL�0LQDMҋV�ZLJ�OLQH���

RACE ME TO HELL &RG\�6LPSVRQ�EUHDNV�gender stereotypes by riding the newly released %DUELH�ELNH��´3LQN�LV�WKH�QHZ�EODFN�µ�KH�VDLG��Simpson also hopes to bring awareness to teenagers that Toys R Us is still cool as he shops IRU�-HVVLFDҋV�QHZ�EDE\�GDXJKWHU�

A NEW WORLD ORDER Jay-Z and Drake discuss

PXUGHULQJ�$PDQGD�%\QHVҋ�YDJLQD�DV�'UDNHҋV�LQLWLDWLRQ�

to the Illuminati.

CRAZY NEON LIFE Ke$ha drops the American dollar sign and adopts the Australian dollar sign instead to increase her economic value and is now able to afford more glitter

ONE AND APPARENTLY NOT THE SAME

Jaden Smith reveals he and Willow are not the same person despite several studies proving they are.

BACK TO NATURE Lorde chills with Australian geckos to prepare for her newest gig as

the Geico gecko.

The modern king of retro pop is back with the second release in his trio of animal-themed melodies, an only mildly misogynistic trip to the Cretaceous Period. Piano, xylophone, and full-symphony choral elements accompany the song’s eponymous master of the skies’ hunt for a mate, but even the most audacious musical sweeps are innocuous when compared with lyrics like, “Sweep down on you, swift sweep down.” We’re curious about the conclusion to Bruno’s “Gorillas”-and-“Velociraptor” trio, but only to see whether he can actually get stranger than this.

REVIEWS MUSIC

rottingscone.com ROTTING SCONE 5March 24, 2014

Dino-pimpin’ w/Bruno Mars’ New album

Only ten months after the release of their last studio album, Vampire Weekend releases Modern Mermaids of the City—prematurely. Songs like "Aqua Babe" contain random dolphin noises. Looks like they are taking the title of a song from their last album, "Diane Young"—a play on "dyin' young"—a little too seriously. That YOLOesque phrase is meant for spontaneous and ill-funded road trips, not releasing your next studio album.

Selena Gomez released her new single in response to public confusion regarding her reunion with longtime douchebag Justin Beiber. The song, entitled "Old Habits Die Hard," describes the pair's toxic relationship held together by excessive spending and cheap scandal. Said Gomez, "I mean, sometimes you need a little stupid in your life." Look for the song in her latest album: Undisclosed 2016

Bruce Willis Movie Soundtrack.

After his stint as Chair of the Federal Reserve, Ben Bernanke returns with his debut gangsta rap album Fed Up. Despite his inexperience in the rap world, his lyrics are more hardcore than Eurozone austerity measures. "Bitches just can't resist the temptation ��FX]�P\�GLFN�ULVHV� MXVW� OLNH� LQÀDWLRQ��are snippet off of ‘Adam Smith and Wesson.’" The most memorable track on his album is his R&B/rap duet with Drake entitled "Keynes to Your Heart.” This is the gold standard for rap today.

Just the way

you ROAR:

Bruno Mars

Bada$$ BernankeFed Up

Vampire WeekendModernMermaids

Of the City

Selena GomezUndisclosed 2016 Bruce

Willis Movie Sountrack

the Album

Bruno Mars Cretaceous Period

Pharrell Williams

UNDER

Twenty-six beaver pelts are collected and

sold to a cross-country trader.Late1890s

Six of the 26 pelts are sold to a country

store in Louisville, Mississippi.

Cost: $1500 in supplies, $250 in lodging, and one trapper’s sanity

*All currencies reported have been

converted to 2014 US dollars.

1910Cost: $15 and the trader’s stubbed toe at the low price

$54,742

Two of the pelts are “carroted” into felt by

factory workers in central Mississippi.1916Cost: $120 in wages and three deaths by mercury poisoning

The felt is dyed to the famous “camel”

color, then lost when the factory burns.1921Cost: $157 in dye and three camels

The felt is found by an impoverished mother

and moulded over soup pot into hat.1926Cost: Four days’ worth of soup that wouldn’t have existed anyway

Cost: The Great Depression

1929 The hat is implicated in black market trading

and causes the stock market to crash.

Cost: $1700 in ship fare and $25,000 in subsequent upkeep

1936 Ashamed at its actions, the hat emigrates

to England and goes into hiding.

Cost: $26,000 in slave labor

2010 The hat is discovered by British designer

Vivienne Westwood and forced into the

“Happy” song, despite its continuing shame.

Total Costs:

Plus one person’s sanity,

three deaths, one stubbed

toe, three camels, and the

Great Depression.

Arby’s got a deal.

HEADWATCH

PAID

6 ROTTING SCONE rottingscone.com March 24, 2014

for $44,100 hat

Singer-songwriter Pharrel Williams

made headlines in Rotting Scone

earlier this month for the $44,100 sale

of his “Grammys hat,” the oversized

chapeau featured in the award-winning

song “Happy,” to Arby’s. The proceeds

from the sale went to Williams’ charity

for at-risk youth, and both sides

seemed happy with the deal; upon

closer examination, however,

it looks like Williams should

probably have held out for a

higher price.

If a single word could describe the story of Deaf Lepers, it would be “Yeah.” From their humble beginnings in a garage in Long

Beach’s notorious Cossack District to VXSHUVWDUGRP�DQG�¿QDOO\�WKH�DGGLFWLRQ�that tore them apart, the common refrain among their legions of dedicated fans is “Yeah, that stuff happened.”

Deaf Lepers started out as the brainchild of singer Julia Beaverdam, known as Katie Kaos to her friends, fans, and the justice system of the State of California. With the intention of starting the world’s first psychedelic nu-metal band, she found the help of friends Notorious XL (Guitarist), Ruby Sharpe (Bassist) and Pat Saint (Drummer) to make this dream into a reality.

7KH� JURXS� ZDV� VROLGL¿HG� E\� D�common background, with all of them coming from California’s most prominent leper colony, Riverside. By coincidence, they all met each other while in Long Beach seeking a better life and an escape from the prejudice of the desert. However, as they began practicing together, their leprosy deteriorated until their ears fell off. While most bands would give up at this critical juncture, Deaf Leper instead found the inspiration for their name and moved boldly ahead, playing shows throughout Southern California, and putting in their time on the local Long Beach scene. From the bottom of the local scene, playing DiPiazzas on Wednesday nights to the heights of glitz and glamor, playing DiPiazzas on Friday nights, their attitude was always optimistic and forward looking.

But their time was limited. As WKH\� UHFRUGHG� WKHLU�¿UVW�DOEXP�Leper

Colony, Katie’s addiction began to take a toll on the band. Ruby Sharpe VSRNH� ZLWK� XV� DERXW� WKLV� GLI¿FXOW�period “Katie loved to do this shit, where she’d just put a whole bunch of ice in her mouth and leave it there. She said it numbed her and it felt good; I can kind of understand that given the tough period she was going through, ZLWK�WKH�GHDWK�RI�KHU�JROG¿VK�DQG�DOO��But her tongue was so numb and cold, she couldn’t even sing properly. By WKH� WLPH� ZH� ZHUH� ¿QLVKLQJ� XS� Leper Colony, she was just a mess.”

On the day that Leper Colony hit stores to positively mediocre reviews, Katie Kaos had passed away in her sleep. She was found next to 10lb bag of ice, unconscious. The LA County coroner recorded the cause of death as “literal brain freeze,” however detectives have not ruled out homicide or discovered a motive in this cold case.

Leper Colony�ZDV�WKH�¿UVW�DQG�ODVW�work of Deaf Lepers, going on to sell nationwide, a total of 37 copies. Her bandmates agree that Katie would’ve loved to see the band succeed beyond their wildest expectations.

ROCK&ROLL

rottingscone.com ROTTING SCONE 7March 24, 2014

COLONIZE THIS (1) A shrine to the recently deceased Katie Kaos, otherwise known as Julia Beaverdam. Julia passed away 2 months ago today (2) A rowdy show in which the band’s guitarist Notorious XL threw his leprosy ridden hand into the audience

The story behind the band that fell apart before their limbs did By Miguel Madera

Unarmed and Dangerous

2

1

Earlier this month, the Earth stood still when it discovered that Whitney Houston had been resurrected. The formerly deceased diva has returned in the form of an apparition. Since her untimely passing in 2012, Houston has missed a lot, but she is determined to make a triumphant return with a superstar comeback. We were intrigued and curious to discover what Houston had planned, so we sat down with her spirit and discussed her latest artistic endeavors.³$W� ¿UVW�� LW� ZDV� GLI¿FXOW�� \RX�

know, being a ghost and all,”

explained Houston. “But after you exit the Phantom Realm, things become much easier. I’ve mastered my levitation skills and I’ve learned to adapt to my unique semi-existence.” It was nearly impossible to keep a straight face during the interview, EHFDXVH�+RXVWRQ¶V�GH¿DQFH�RI�DOO�physical and metaphysical laws truly perplexed us. We could not understand how a spirit could survive without nurturing from the material world. “For WKH� ¿UVW� FRXSOH� RI� GD\V�� ,� ZDV�starving. I did not know that I needed sustenance to survive. I ¿JXUHG� JKRVWV� FRXOG� JR� ZLWKRXW�

eating. Without any options left, I went to Necronomicon.com and learned that I had to suck the life force out of children in order to avoid becoming a malnourished ghost. Sucking someone’s soul is as simple as sucking the smoke from a pipe.”6XUSULVLQJO\�� +RXVWRQ¶V� ¿UVW�

foray since returning hasn’t been in music, but an attempt to appear in another Hollywood movie. “I was offered a part in the newest Ghostbusters movie, but everything fell through once Harold Ramis passed. It was disappointing.” Despite this setback, Houston is optimistic.

8 ROTTING SCONE rottingscone.com March 24, 2014

Whitney’s Ghost

I WILLALWAYSHAUNT YOU

JWEEB JWORMPH

America’s queen of soul returns from the grave to speak to us about her career, her aspirations and what it’s like to be a ghost

March 24, 2014

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10 ROTTING SCONE rottingscone.com

Whitney’s Ghost

“I’ve communicated with a few of the phantoms in the Phantom Realm to help Ramis traverse the boundless spirit universe. He should be back in a year or so to continue the production.”

We were excited to hear that Houston has plans IRU� ¿OP�� EXW� VDGGHQHG�

that she doesn’t want to give her music career another go. We asked her why she was focusing on acting and diverting her talent away from music. “I’ll get to it eventually. Sometimes when I’m bored, I

ghostwrite songs for people. But, there’s this void and that’s why I don’t want to go back into music so soon. Ever since I made The Bodyguard with Kevin Costner, my entire career has been downhill. Everyone sings that fucking song from the movie, and it’s so annoying. They even sang it at my funeral. And, yeah, I know that it’s a great song, but I’ve been so much more than that,” said Houston. “But, I’m thinking of piggybacking off the namesake and releasing the sequel to the song entitled, “I Will Always Haunt You.” I’m

thinking of including my ghostly friends, like Michael Jackson, Otis Redding, and Ghostface Killa. We entertained the thought of having the Godfather of Soul, James Brown, make an appearance, but past experiences taught me that it’s best to avoid singers with the last name of Brown. Here’s looking at you, Rihanna.”

In conclusion, the ghost of Whitney is currently haunting the Haunted Mansion ride at Disneyland. This was an agreement she made with the producers of Cinderella prior to her death.

WE BARELY KNEW YE (1) Houston

sings for her eternal life at the National

Society of Ghouls and Ghoulettes

(2) Glowing with pride and a ghostly

aura, Houston sings her lesser-known

hit, “I’m Hiding In Your Basement.”

“Here’s looking at you, Rihanna.”

March 24, 2014

Disclaimer and Publication Information: The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the Union

Weekly, not ASI or CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will

have precedence. Please include name and major for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and

length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials, and illustration, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be

no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly DVVXPHV�QR�UHVSRQVLELOLW\��QRU�LV�LW�OLDEOH��IRU�FODLPV�RI�LWV�DGYHUWLVHUV��*ULHYDQFH�SURFHGXUHV�DUH�DYDLODEOH�LQ�WKH�$VVRFLDWHG�6WXGHQWV�EXVLQHVV�RI¿FH�

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URWWLQJVFRQH�FRP�����ROTTING SCONE 11March 24, 2014

Jennifer CierraM/M Romance with Heartwww. jenni ferc ierra .com