Revising You and I

• The whole essay is yours: you don’t need to say, “I think . . .” or “I believe . . .”

• Don’t address the reader directly

Pit bulls are supposed to be overly aggressive but you can’t believe that because . . .

Gender-neutral language

• language is now oriented toward gender neutrality to reflect the work world better.

• generic use (mankind - humanity)• professional terms (chairman - chair)• pronouns (The operator must make sure he has a

complete view of the screen)

Operators must make sure they have a complete view of the screen.

Fixing Pronoun Gender Problems

• recast in the plural– Nurses cannot write prescriptions even if they

know what is wrong with their patients.• reword to eliminate the pronoun

– A nurse cannot write prescriptions even if the nurse knows what is wrong with the patient.

A nurse cannot write prescriptions even if she knows what is wrong with her patient.

• use he or she, one, you– A nurse cannot write prescriptions even if he or

she knows what is wrong with his or her patient.– As a nurse, you cannot write prescriptions even if

you know what is wrong with your patient.

• alternate where appropriate and clear– chapter by chapter, etc.

Avoid slash constructions (he/she) and creative but confusing alternatives (s/he, grrl, womyn, wymyn, wimmin)

1. A student must take good care of his health when faced with a heavy workload.

2. Anyone who wants to go to the pub tonight has to remember his I.D!

3. She was the last person to see him alive.

4. A student should know just about everything their professor will put on his final examination.

5. The professor was half asleep when he gave out the grades.

Historical Present

• use the present tense when discussing ideas presented by scholars and others.

• the historical present makes for more lively writing

Marx suggests that alienation lies at the root . . .

Subordinate Clauses

• Industrial spying, because of the growing use of computers to store and process corporate information, is increasing rapidly.

• Industrial spying is increasing rapidly because of the growing use of computers to store and process corporate information.

Active Voice

• A decision was reached by the committee to postpone the vote.

• The committee decided to postpone the vote.

Parallel Constructions

• In Florida, where the threat of hurricanes is an annual event, we learned that it is important to become aware of warning signs. There are precautions to take, and deciding when to take shelter is important.

• In Florida, where the threat of hurricanes is an annual event, we learned that it is important to become aware of warning signs, to know what precautions to take, and to decide when to take shelter.

Nominalizations

• The implementation of the plan was successful.

• We implemented the plan successfully.

Noun Strings

• This report explains our investment growth stimulation projects.

• This report explains our projects to stimulate growth in investments.

Multiple Negatives

• Less attention is paid to commercials that lack human interest stories that to other kinds of commercials.

• People pay more attention to commercials with human interest stories than to other kinds of commercials.

Unclear Pronoun References

• Larissa worked in a national forest last summer, which may be her career choice.

• Larissa worked in a national forest last summer, and she may choose a forest management career.

Non-contributing words– TautologiesIt was an actual fact that he was there.– Double ModifiersHer speech was vague and inexplicit.– Redundant IntensifiersHis running style was very unique.– Overused IntensifiersMeeting Bob Geldof was absolutely fabulous.– Formulaic PhrasesAt the same time that she was looking, I smiled.

Which and That Affliction: subordinate clauses

– Replace with adjectiveThe cumulative effects of the disasters that continue to

happen are unknown.– Replace with appositiveDavid Suzuki, who is an expert on the environment,

believes in global warming.– Replace with participleAll those pictures that have been hung on the wall are

archival.– Replace with possessiveThe opinions that the professor expresses are his own.

Prepositional phrases

– Replace with adjective

The players from Canada tend to play a physical game.

– Replace with adverb

We will see them in the near future.

– Replace with verbal

In light of these facts, we will have to try another method.

– Replace with possessive

The priorities of George Bush are whack.

Deadening the Verb

• Turn nouns into verbs

He gave a summary of the information.

• Turn modifiers into verbs

Activists lined up around the building.

Overuse of the Verb To Be

• ExpletivesThere is nothing left.• Auxiliary verbsHe is living on the street./He has been living on the street.• Passive constructionsSomething inappropriate was said.• To be instead of active verbsIt is important to us.He is a man who believes in the truth.

Wordiness

• Any particular type of dessert is fine with me.

• Any dessert is fine with me.

• The employee with ambition will succeed.

• The ambitious employee will succeed.

• All applicants who are interested in the job must fill out two forms.

• All job applicants must fill out two forms.

• It is the governor who signs or vetoes bills.

• The governor signs or vetoes bills.

• There are four rules that should be observed: . . .

• Four rules should be observed : . . .

• As you carefully read what you have written to improve your wording and catch small errors of spelling, punctuation, and so on, the thing to do before you do anything else is to try to see where a series of words expressing action could replace the ideas found in nouns rather than verbs.

• As you edit, first find nominalizations that you can replace with verb phrases.

• The duty of a clerk is to check all incoming mail and to record it.

• A clerk must check and record all incoming mail.

• At this point in time it is necessary that we begin again due to the fact that there is a chance that we are wrong as regards to what happened.

• We must now begin again since we might be wrong concerning what happened.

• The supply manager considered the correcting typewriter and unneeded luxury.

• The supply manager considered the correcting typewriter a luxury.