retardo culo strikes again! by david arthur walters

8/14/2019 Retardo Culo Strikes Again! by David Arthur Walters

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RETARDO CULO STRIKES AGAIN!Excerpt from The Fungus Man

By David Arthur Walters"Jim, meet Doc Handley. Doc, meet Jim Jefferson."

Thus did Manny introduce me to Doc, who extended his righthand to grip mine like a vise. His hand had a thick, grotesquethumb and only one finger, the index finger. I glanced to see if hisleft thumb was equally large, but instead of the hand I had



expected, he sported a prosthesis, lifting it up and waggling it atme as if he knew what I was looking for. Another peculiarity I tookmental note was his ears, or rather his half-ears: cartilage wasmissing on each of them - the edges were jagged, as if bitten off.

He was a muscular man, bald but for a long white queue tied witha small bow of black silk, draped over his shoulder and down thefront of his black silk shirt, which was fastened with white death's-head buttons. He had a matching Fu Manchu mustache, presidedover by a Hittite nose and steel-gray eyes.

"Hi, Jim, it's my big toe."

"Hi, uh, excuse me?"

"You were wondering about my thumb. It's my big toe. Gangrenegot the original, and my left foot to boot, but I managed to save

the right one, so I took its big toe and made a thumb out of it."

"Oh, I'm sorry, but I'm glad the doctors managed to...."

"I managed the surgery myself, with Manny operating."

"Oh. Pleased to meet you."

"Your pleasure is mine."

"My man!" Manny affectionately exclaimed, throwing his armaround Doc's shoulders. "What's up for supper?"

"I thought we'd have plasmodia pancakes.""Great! I love 'em. Jim, Have you ever had plasmodia pancakes?"

"Can't say I've even heard of them. Plasm? That's an old term forbasic substance of life isn't it?"

"Good call, Jim," Doc said. "That's protoplasm. The plasmodiumconstitutes the main vegetative phase of the life cycle of slimemold. It comprises cytoplasm or cellular protoplasm with multiplenuclei."

"So we're having slime for dinner?" I asked, incredulously. Ithought of the slime mold I had found on my lawn once. It didn'tlook that appetizing, looked more like dog puke or dog diarrhea.

"Jim," Manny interjected, "how 'bout a glass of Kool Aid?"

"Why, sure," I accepted.



"I'll get it," Doc said, and walked over to the refrigerator - his gaitwas certainly graceful considering the fact that his left shoe wasfilled with a prosthesis. "An old acquaintance of mine, RetardoCulo, gave me his Mexican Myxomycete recipe."

"Retardo Culo?" I queried. "You know him?""I know a Retardo Culo, a Doctor Retardo E. Culo. He was mychiropractor but he got busted. Good chiropractor, bad insurancethief."

"Gee," Manny interjected, "that name is familiar, something aboutthe E. Oh, yeah, I met a guy in San Diego, a pot dealer by thatname, but people called him Mister E, or just E - he carried glossyblack business cards with a large gold 'E' embossed on them, onits back with the arms sticking up. Weird cards. He was a friend of

Paul the Grass Man, from New York. "

"I'll be," said I. "That's gotta be the same man. He had a gold 'E'on the sign outside his door."

"He said something about getting a chiropractic certificate," Docadded.

"He never got one but went into practice anyway," I advised."What a small world.... Hey, this Kool Aid is good," I took anotherswig and smacked my lips. "I thought the FDA made 'em get rid of

the Root Beer flavoring. So Culo gave you the mixo, mixed,mix...."

"Mexican Myxomycete pancake recipe."

"Mexicans eat that stuff?"

"Sure. They like it best with chocolate in the afternoons or withcayenne in the mornings."

"I hear Mexicans eat so much cayenne that the buzzards won'teat them," Manny put in.

"I don't know about that, but I do know gringos aren't too familiarwith plasmodia. There was a big alien scare in one Texas bordertown when plasmodia appeared there."

"The slime-mold must have been in Moronia, Texas," Mannychimed in and giggled like a girl - the man is getting silly, Ithought to myself, but I was beginning to feel rather odd too astime went by, slightly giddy.



"No joke," Doc persisted. "The sporulation probably occurred onthe Mexican side of the border. The sporongia ruptured, releasingthe sporongia mass into the surround. A freak wind carried thespores into Texas and by chance into the right environment for

release of amoebae, which formed plasmodia, frightening theinhabitants."

"Whoa, you're over my head a bit," I said. "You're talking aboutslime mold, right? A plant?"

"And animal. The Myxomycetes are usually classed with fungi,and fungi with plants, but a fungus is really not a plant."

"Fungus I like," I pronounced - Manny nodded affirmatively. "Wegot some cool alkaloids out of them in the old days, and I lovemushroom and cheese omeletes, but I never heard of making

slime mold into pancakes. Oh, yummy, mommy, Doc Handley'sSlime Cake!"

But I envisioned dog barf again, and felt like barfing. "So you'retalking about spores here. Maybe the Mexicans got alien sporesfrom outer space!"

I don't know what came over us, but at that juncture we all bustedout laughing hysterically.

"Oh, oh, wait!" I got ahold of myself. "I remember the ergot thing,

the thing called sclerosis!""Sclerotia," Doc corrected. "That's the hardened hypha or purplefungus body that replaces the rye flowers. That's ergot, though.Slime mold can grow to large sizes as it migrates for food, and,when it starts to starve, it will thicken in spots and rise up intosporongia, or fruiting bodies, to sporulate, or it might dry up andharden into sclerotia, and rest dormant for years - that's how Ikeep it, then I grow plasmodia on filter paper wet with nutrients."

"So, Doc, what wakes them up?" I asked, emptying my glass of

Kool Aid."They love oatmeal."

"Oatmeal?"

"That's right. Oatmeal flakes."



"Ha, ha, hee, hee, that's so funny!" "They really feel their oats,"Manny's huge huge belly bounced up and down. "Mexicanplasmodia from outer space!"

"Hee, hee, so we'll get spaced out!"

"Hey, you guys!" Virginia appeared at the back door in a towel."Jim, Manny, come on! Come get in the hot tub!"

.... to be continued

retardo culo strikes again! by david arthur walters

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