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The 7 StepsLoving Connectionto awith your child

By Sharon Turton


The bond youshare with your child lays the foundationfor relationshipsthroughout theirlife, and is the childsprimary source ofemotional healthand resilience.

The 7 Steps to a Loving Connection with your Child is a simpleguide to reconnect lovingly with yourself and your children.It guides you to have the relationship with your child that you have always wanted, even in the chaos and drudgery of daily life.

When children feel connected to you, the parent, they feel groundedand safe. In seeking out this connection they may act out in exactlythe way that you dont want. Bad behaviour can give them your fullattention in the form of an angry outburst that leaves you both feeling enraged, exhausted and disconnected.

The most effective and powerful teaching that your child can receiveis healthy role-modelling from their parent. For this to be a positive experience it is crucial to be aware of how you respond to your childwhen they are pushing your buttons, when you are busy, wrung out,tired, stressed or overwhelmed with the demands of life.

The 7 Steps to a Loving Relationship with your Child addressesjust this. It guides you to regain your balanced composure, ratherthan reacting unhealthily from your frayed emotional state. You willbe guided to reconnect lovingly with yourself so you can respondappropriately & compassionately to the needs of the moment.

Sharon Turton

Sharon Turton 2012 / Web: www.connectingkidsbook.com / Email: [email protected] / Phone: 0412 792 967


When you as the parent are able to take a pause andbreath, when you are willingto be real with your feelings, when you feel compassion for yourself in the moment,when you practise empathy& forgiveness, and when youas the parent respond and take action consciously, youwill be role modellingpowerful skills that will give your child emotional resilience, self-esteem and compassion throughout their life.


Take a pause and breathe1.Pause for a moment and slowly breathe in and out,concentrating on your breath.

Acknowledge your feelings and feel them2.As you pause and breathe, notice what you are feelingand allow yourself to feel it.

Have compassion for yourself3.Just for this moment let go of all the thoughts, and fallinto compassion for how you are feeling right now.

Be in just this moment4.As you are gently present with your own feelings, youare centring in yourself and resting in the now.

Open into empathy and forgive5.Being centred in the clarity of the moment opens youto empathy and ultimately forgiveness.

Trust in your intuition and take action6.When you are empathetic your intuition is available toyou and you can respond healthily to the needs of themoment and take action.

Be the role model you want to be7.Role modelling appropriate behaviour to your childis by far and away the most eective and profoundteaching that your children receive.

Step 1:Take a Pause & Breathe



Role modellingthis for our kidsteaches thema powerful lifeskill that will beavailable to themwhen they feelstressed or upset

Pause for a moment and slowly breathe inand out, concentrating on your breath.

Taking a pause and stopping is the first step to regaining a healthy connectionwith yourself and your child. Take a pause literally...and give yourself permission to stop. Even if its just for a few moments. The act of taking a pause allows you some healthy distance from the chaos or confusion of emotions that may be clouding your better judgement in that moment. When we pause everything rushes into the moment and we are more available for what is really needed.

Let go of the story of what happened and give yourself some distance from the event. When we pause we put the brakes on the mind and we slow down.The events of life will still be there to deal with whenever you want to, but the actof taking a pause gives some relief from the turmoil of the situation. It allows you a wider perspective of the issue at hand and you will then feel more centred to take the most appropriate action.

Sometimes in the heat of the moment, taking a pause is the last thing our self-righteous ego wants. It would often rather fight to the end, control and win atall costs! This is when taking a breath is such a powerful ally.

As you pause, inhale slowly, bringing all your awareness to the breath. Hold for a few seconds and breathe out slowly. As you breathe out imagine that you are releasing the struggle, letting it go. Soften your belly and feel the rise and fall of your belly with each breath. As you repeat this a few times you will notice you are coming back to a more neutral position, bringing focus back to yourself.

The more stressed, anxious and excited we feel, the shallower we breathe. Taking slow deep breaths brings you back to this moment where you are more able to respond appropriately. Role modelling this for our kids teaches them a powerful life skill that will be available to them when they feel stressed or upset. It gives them greater objectivity in solving problems and navigating obstacles throughout their life.

Step 2:Acknowledge YourFeelings & Feel Them



Simplyacknowledge thatyour feelings arethere and feelthem - whetheryou are happy,excited, proud or whether you areangry, sad orscared. Just let thefeelings be there.

As you pause and breathe, notice what you arefeeling and allow yourself to feel it.

It is natural to feel emotions...they are part of the human existence.

In our society we revere intellectual intelligence, but this doesnt always make us happy, compassionate or fulfilled human beings. It is those who are emotionally intelligent and are able to acknowledge and feel their feelings, that have the resilience and inner strength to healthily ride the waves of life.

So often we have been taught its not ok to feel. We have learnt to suppress our feelings, deny them, or we disown them. We might blame someone else for our painful feelings, as if they snuck up in the middle of the night and put them insideof us! We might blame ourselves and beat ourselves up. Or all too often we dump our pain onto those we love - our kids, our partner. These are all unhealthy reactions born from our own unresolved issues.

There is another option, and that is to be real with your emotions! Simplyacknowledge that your feelings are there and feel them - whether you are happy, excited, proud or whether you are angry, sad or scared. Just let the feelings be there.

If we try to judge a situation from an emotive place, we will usually react in a way that we dont want. Old unresolved patterns may play themselves out leaving you feeling more upset, guilty, victimised or resentful. Emotions have no meaning other than the meaning we give them, and that is usually clouded by our beliefs around how things should be, how they shouldnt be, how the kids should have behaved, what they shouldnt have done.

However if just for a few moments you let go of the notion of right or wrong and simply acknowledge what you are really feeling - and feel it, you will fall into a place of realness which even though potentially painful in the short term, will have the sweet taste of truth.

In the beautiful words of Brandon Bays Emotions are your gateway to the soul. Dive into the core of any emotion, feel it fully and go right into the heart of it, opening and surrendering to it. Freedom is here.

Step 3:Have CompassionFor Yourself



Being awareof your painfulfeelings createsa softening anda tender embrace around them as ifyou are embracinga small child thatneeds a hug.

Just for this moment let go of all thoughts and fallinto compassion for how you are feeling right now.

As you allow yourself to feel whatever is really here, just notice if your thoughts are blaming, justifying or judging what just happened. The mind is a tricky place to dwell and it loves to indulge in the old story and give it more power than it really deserves. The mind, like the ego, is bolstered by past challenges and painfulexperiences, winding them up and bringing them into the present, adding fuel to the issue at hand.

Are you loaded up with past experiences that keep pushing your emotional buttons? Observe what is happening in you and any resistance you may feel. Doesit give you anything to keep judging, analysing, and dissecting thoughts about what happened?

Just for a moment let go, and accept whatever you are feeling without resistanceor struggle.

When you feel your feelings without thoughts or the story attached, you will connect deeply with yourself, whether you are feeling the burning fire of rage, orthe tender pain of grief. Just for a moment, completely accept things as they are without trying to fix anything.

Being aware of your painful feelings creates a softening and a tender embrace around them as if you are embracing a small child that needs a hug. Just allow this hug for yourself - your own love and compassion is waiting there for you.

Let yourself just be with whatever you are feeling as you surround it with your own love - and fall into the heart of it. This is not something that you can make happen, but your own love and awareness creates a space for this to happen naturally. So just fall into compassion for yourself - and rest there.

As you find compassion for yourself, compassion will naturally flow out to others.

Compassion opens the heart!

Step 4:Be in Just this Moment



When the mindcomes to rest, andyou are in thepresent moment,you are giftingyourself the mostprecious, nurturingand nourishingpresent. Sharingthese momentsof full presencenurtures the soulsof our children.

As you are gently present with your own feelings,you are centering in yourself and resting in the now.

Let the busyness of your mind slow down, and imagine that your thoughts are emptying away, like an hour glass emptying its sand. Feel yourself relaxing down into your body...to your heart...your belly...your legs, and notice where you are connecting with our beautiful Mother Earth. Feel the expansiveness and the strength of the earth as you follow energy roots from your feet deep down to the heart of the earth, and ground yourself in her stillness.

Just for now make a conscious choice to let go of the past - what you should have done, what you didnt do, what you could have said, what you shouldnt have said. And make that same choice to let go of the future - the overwhelming burden that you may be carrying in your mind of all that you have to do. Instead, just focus on now, and let yourself rest in just this moment.

In the present moment there is no past and there is no future. In the present moment there are no shoulds or shouldnts, no cannots or have tos. In fact there is no doing, no judging or no getting. And in this nothingness, there is freedom from all your concepts of right or wrong, your judgements, your failures as a parent and your unmet desires. In their place there is open space beyond the turmoil and the struggle of the daily grind - even if it is just for a moment.

In the words of Eckhart Tolle, It is impossible to have a problem when your attention is fully in the now. A situation needs either to be dealt with or accepted. Why make it into a problem?

When the mind comes to rest, and you are in the present moment, you are gifting yourself and your child the most precious, nurturing and nourishing present. Unfortunately, we tend to give our children our full presence much more in the heat of the moment when we are reacting with anger, rather than we are simply being with them in the heart space.

Our children are kids for such a short time and the magical moments that we share with them are priceless. It is these moments when we are fully present with them in the now, that nurture the souls of our children. It may be sharing the beauty of a sunset, the laughter of the kookaburra or the thrill of the first swim of the season. It is these moments that foster deep heart connection with our children and are the memories that we cherish throughout our life.

Step 5:Open into Empathy& Forgive



Tuning into theinner world of ourkids creates greatertolerance andunderstanding forwhat they arereally feeling, as ifour own hearts aretouching theirs.This is empathy - reflecting ourtrue selves andfeeding our souls.

Being centred in the clarity of the now, leadsto empathy and ultimately forgiveness.

Being in the now without the influence of past or future gives you a widerperspective of the situation. It allows you to see not only the surface reaction of what happened but also to sense the underlying deeper pain of what might have provoked the behaviour in the first place. Tuning into the inner world of our kids creates greater tolerance and understanding for what they are really feeling, as ifour own hearts are touching theirs. This is empathy - reflecting our true selves and feeding our souls.

As we open to empathy, our own judgements and any of our needs to be right fall away, and we are able to see our child lovingly without reacting to the surface behaviour. This doesnt mean letting them have their way. In fact it gives you much greater clarity and perspective of the situation and what really needs to happen.

When we are empathetic we can see beneath our own protective armour and honestly enquire as to the cause of our own displeasure and reaction to our childs actions. Is it something that you were reprimanded for when you were little? Was it taboo in your family? Is it unacceptable in your culture, society, religion? Or are you just plain worn out with a short fuse?

Could your kids be hurting inside just as you are and their surface behaviour a cryfor help or an unsuccessful attempt to dispel their pain? Look beyond the surface behaviour and sense how they are really feeling. This is true empathy. As you areno longer attached to your negative emotions your whole being will relax. Wrap them up in your unconditional love - even if you are standing on the other side of the room!!!

Empathy creates healthy intimacy in relationships and is a precursor for forgiveness. When we forgive we are released from the clenches of our own hurt, our anger, our judgements and our blame. We let go. We can then reconnect lovingly with our kids in the heart space - where real connection resides.

True healing flows from forgiveness.

Step 6:Trust your Intuition& Take Action



When you areempatheticallyconnected withyourself and yourchild the messagesare loud and clear.Listen to yourintuition. Listen with your heart.

Your intuition or your deeper knowing is always available to you. Just like the sky above, it is always there, but it can be obscured by the cloudiness of our own perceptions, judgements, ego games, our need to be right, to control - and our magnificent blue sky can be completely hidden and feel unavailable to us.

The simple acts of pausing, being real with ourselves and empathetic with our kids, allows the light of our own deeper knowing to blast through those clouds,connecting us to our intuition and guide us to healthily fulfil the needs of the moment.

We are no longer controlled by external conditions or our unconscious impulses of resisting and reacting. The ego may put up a battle as its whole identity is invested in being right. But if you catch yourself at any old outmoded patterns...and stop...your intuition will guide you to the right action to take in the moment.

After all, you as the parent know better than anyone what is needed. When you are empathetically connected with yourself and your child the messages are loud and clear. Listen to your intuition. Listen with your heart.

You dont need to accept a bad situation or deceive yourself and say there is nothing wrong. If action is required respond to the situation from your deeper knowing, rather than reacting unconsciously. When you listen to your intuition it will be very clear what needs to happen and you can take firm, concise action which is born from love. This positive action is far more effective than the knee jerk reaction which arises out of anger or despair.

If you need to say No, be firm and clear as guided by your deeper knowing. Let it be a non-reactive No that is free of negativity. Observe what happens to your child as you no longer energise their position through your resistance or emotionalnegativity. As the wisdom of eastern martial arts says so simply Dont resist the opponents force, yield to overcome.

When you are empathetic your intuition isavailable to you, and you can respond healthilyto the needs of the moment and take action.

Step 7:Be the Role ModelYou Want to Be



When yourchildren feel yourunconditional loveand acceptanceof who they areas human beings, itgives them an inner sense of worthand self-esteemthat will stay withthem throughouttheir lives. Parent from theheart and be thegardener of your childrens souls.

The famous quote from Mahatma Ghandi Be the change you wish to see for the world, is a powerful message for parents. When you, the parent, live with respect and compassion, living your truth with an open heart and willingness to face the challenges of life with integrity and courage, you will be deeply modelling these powerful qualities to your children. This is the greatest teaching that you can give.

When our children are young, the family is their whole world, and we parents create the environment in which they grow. Children learn about themselves and their place in the world from their parents. If children can see their parents dealing positively with negative feelings and challenging situations, then they realise that they can as well. If on the other hand, they experience us as resentful, anxious or defeated in the face of difficulties, they will be moulded by this over-ridingnegativity that will limit them from living to their potential.

When a seedling is given good soil and care, it will flourish and grow into a strong, healthy tree. Similarly children will grow confident and capable when nurtured with healthy principles that are modelled compassionately from their parents.

By far and away the most important nourishment of all is the unconditional love that you feel for your child. It is this love that nourishes the soul because it honours who they are, not just what they do. When your children feel your unconditional love and acceptance of who they are as human beings, (even when they are being reprimanded for misbehaving, even when you are angry at their thoughtless behaviour), you are giving the greatest gift of all. It gives them an inner sense of worth and self-esteem that will stay with them throughout their life and hold them steadily through the challenges that they will surely have to face.

Parent from the heart and be the gardener of your childrens souls.

Role modelling loving behaviour to your child isby far and away the most effective and profoundteaching that your child can receive.

I hope these 7 steps become an effective support for you as they have for me, guiding you compassionately through those challenging parenting moments so you can respond positively to the issue at hand. Listen to your inner voice as to how to make the best use of the 7 steps. It may be that after Step 1, when you pause and breathe, you may find yourself already in Step 6, connecting to your intuition and responding with clarity to the situation at hand. Whereas at other times you may feel deeply driven by an emotional reaction, and need to go through all the steps to regain balance and respond healthily.

As a single parent for many years I often struggled with overwhelming feelings of anxiety, inadequacy and sheer frustration. I tried all the parenting techniques and tools about what to do when she did this, or how to act when she said that, trying desperately to find an easier way to cope.

I gradually came to realise that I needed to look at my own issues, my own childhood conditioning, my anger and my high expectations of my daughter and of myself, which were having a huge impact on how I was reacting to her normal childhood behaviour.

Over the years I found solace in 7 simple steps, which have led me to deal with tantrums, outbursts and distress of any kind with an open heart and a firm resolve. The 7 steps gave me a simple yet powerful way to transition painlessly from a place of anger, fear or frustration to a place of clarity, peace and strength.

The changes in our communication and connection have been profound and now I am blessed with a confident, loving teenager who is happy in herself. She knows exactly how to push her mothers buttons - what self respecting teenager wouldnt? But instead of reacting from my wounded ego with anger, fear or despair, I am now able to respond for the betterment of us both.

As you become more practised at the 7 steps you will find yourself responding healthily to the needs of the moment, taking appropriate action and positively role modelling the behaviour that you want from your child. This will set a positive foundation for relationships and emotional health throughout your childs life.

If you would like to gain more insights and deepen in this work, The 7 Steps to a Loving Connection with your Child - Online Workshop, will be available soon. This workshop will support you even in the most challenging situation and deepen your bond for years to come.

Along with this e-book I recommend you click on www.connectingkidsbook.com to see extracts from my book Connecting Kids with their Inner Potential. It is full of easy to use tools, heart-opening activities, relaxing meditations and healing stories to help you foster a deeper relationship with your child.

Please join us at our next Connecting Kids & Parents Day Retreat, where you and your child will share a magical day ofreleasing, realising and reconnecting, supporting healthy communication and fostering a deeper connection. See http://connectingkidsbook.com/workshops-2/connecting-kids for dates and venues.

Deepening T he 7 S teps...


Sharon has been working with kids and adults since theearly 90s and has been presenting childrens and parentsworkshops around Australasia for the last 8 years. Her passionis helping children and parents connect in the heart space, clearing limiting beliefs and emotional blocks that may inhibit a loving connection and healthy communication. Sharons warm and compassionate nature creates a safe embrace for deeper exploration. Sharon is a qualified teacher, counsellor, naturopath, journey practitioner, author and above all she is a mum.

Sharon has her own private practice in Sydney, Australia.

Sharon Turton

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