rebuild by tommy "urban d" kylonnen - excerpt
TRANSCRIPT
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
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ReBuildreset your life
renew your church
reshape your world
Tommy ldquoUrban Drdquo Kyllonen
ldquoItrsquos not easy to lead a multiethnic urban and growing church but
Pastor Tommyrsquos doing it in a fruitful and fearless way Read this book
and grow from itrdquo mdashEfrem Smith president and CEO World Impact
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8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 322
ReBuildreset your life
renew your church
reshape your world
Tommy ldquoUrban Drdquo Kyllonen
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InterVarsity Press
PO Box 983089983092983088983088 Downers Grove IL 983094983088983093983089983093-983089983092983090983094
ivpresscom
emailivpresscom
copy983090983088983089983093 by Tommy Kyllonen
All rights reserved No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission
from InterVarsity Press
InterVarsity Pressreg is the book-publishing division of InterVarsity Christian FellowshipUSAreg a
movement of students and faculty active on campus at hundreds of universities colleges and schools
of nursing in the United States of America and a member movement of the International Fellowship
of Evangelical Students For information about local and regional activities visit intervarsityorg
Unless otherwise indicated all Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible New Living
Translation copyright copy983089983097983097983094 983090983088983088983092 983090983088983088983095 983090983088983089983091 Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers
Inc Carol Stream Illinois 983094983088983089983096983096 All rights reserved
While any stories in this book are true some names and identifying information may have been
changed to protect the privacy of individuals
Cover design Cindy Kiple
Interior design Beth McGill
Images copy morkemaniStockphoto
ISBN 983097983095983096-983088-983096983091983088983096-983092983092983092983093-983094 (print)
ISBN 983097983095983096-983088-983096983091983088983096-983097983097983091983096-983096 (digital)
Printed in the United States of America
As a member of the Green Press Initiative InterVarsity Press is committed to protecting the environment and to the responsible use of natural resources To learn
more visit greenpressinitiativeorgLibrary of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Kyllonen Tommy 983089983097983095983091-
Rebuild reset your life renew your church reshape your world Tommy ldquoUrban Drdquo Kyllonen
983089 online resource
Includes bibliographical references
Description based on print version record and CIP data provided by publisher resource not viewed
ISBN 983097983095983096-983088-983096983091983088983096-983097983097983091983096-983096 (eBook)mdashISBN 983097983095983096-983088-983096983091983088983096-983092983092983092983093-983094 (pbk alk paper)
983089 Christian life 983090 Bible NehemiahmdashCriticism interpretation etc I Title
BV983092983093983088983097983093
983090983092983096983092mdashdc983090983091
983090983088983089983093983088983090983091983096983095983090
P 983090983088 983089983097 983089983096 983089983095 983089983094 983089983093 983089983092 983089983091 983089983090 983089983089 983089983088 983097 983096 983095 983094 983093 983092 983091 983090 983089
Y 983091983090 983091983089 983091983088 983090983097 983090983096 983090983095 983090983094 983090983093 983090983092 983090983091 983090983090 983090983089 983090983088 983089983097 983089983096 983089983095 983089983094 983089983093
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Contents
Introduction 983097
983089 Confronting Our Pain 983089983091
983090 Becoming a Humble Beast 983090983095
983091 Learning New Skills 983092983091
983092 No Free Passes 983093983093
983093 Facing Opposition 983094983093
983094 Breathing Room 983096983089
983095 opping Off the Walls 983097983093
983096 Empowering Others 983089983089983093
983097 Rebuilding Movement 983089983091983091
983089983088 New Life New Fam New City 983089983093983093
Acknowledgments 983089983095983092
Additional ReBuild Resoures 983089983095983093
About the Author 983089983095983094
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Introduction
I never knew how hard rebuilding would actually be Tatrsquos why many
people take the route of building something brand new or
buying something brand new
My rebuilding journey started at Crossover Church in Iwas fresh out of Bible college and built an urban youth ministry
at a small church in ampa By the youth ministry grew to
hundreds while the Sunday adult service struggled at around
forty people Several leaders of the church pushed me into
stepping up to become the lead pastor and rebuild the church I
was reluctant to take it on as I was only in my twenties and I was
a hip-hop artist signed to a national record label But my wife
and I felt God calling us to rebuild our church spiritually and
physically We began to make several changes within that first
year We stepped out of the box and did some things that had
never been done before in church Tere were people who said
it would never work It would never grow It would never become
self-sustainable But something amazing began to happen at that
little old rundown church building Fast forward six years and
we had physically rebuilt the entire campus and spiritually re-
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RB
built so many lives we were bursting at the seams
Our young urban church was crazy enough to relocate and
take on a forty-three-thousand-square-foot build-out of a
former oysldquoRrdquoUs building in amparsquos inner city Sounds dif-
ficult but when you add the fact that we undertook this project
in the middle of a recession in one of the hardest hit cities in the
country it seemed virtually impossible God had opened up all
the right doors but soon we realized we were in way over our
heads It was beyond our experience our wisdom and our re-
sources But sometimes this is exactly where God wants you
Tatrsquos when he gets your full attention
Just like our congregation Nehemiah and his people had
some naysayers Tey told him it was impossible to rebuild the
walls of Jerusalem but he did it in just fifty-two days I love Ne-
hemiahrsquos story Itrsquos an epic journey of compassion risk and mir-acles It started many months before the actual fifty-two days
and the ongoing spiritual rebuilding lasted for years after the
builders topped the walls Te thing that especially excites me
about Nehemiahrsquos story is that he didnrsquot have the experience to
lead yet God used him When God rebuilds us he calls all of us
to lead
As you look through Scripture you can regularly see how God
uses the unlikely He uses the underdogs He uses ordinary
people just like you and me to step up and lead things beyond
what wersquod ever dream or imagine Maybe you feel like you are
unworthy and God canrsquot use you because you made too many
mistakes Maybe you feel you donrsquot have enough talent or expe-
rience Maybe you feel like itrsquos too late Irsquom here to tell youotherwise If yoursquove ever experienced any brokenness then you
need to keep reading Tis book is designed to bring out the
rebuilt leader in all of us At the end of each chapter of ReBuild
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Introduction
yoursquoll find questions that will help you think about practical next
steps in rebuilding yourself your church and the world around
you Wersquove also created some free resources on urbandorg for
your small group and your church including videos music cur-
riculum and sermon notes so you can take this rebuilding
journey with others
Rebuilding will stretch you It can wreck you or make you
stronger Rebuilding your life your church and your world will
take you to places you never thought you would go It will reveal
things about you and those around you that you didnrsquot know It
will expose the good the bad and the ugly Te past few years of
my life have been the most difficult but the most exciting re-
warding season Irsquove ever had If you are ready to experience
some supernatural rebuilding then pick up your hammer and
your sword and letrsquos go to work
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one
Confronting Our Pain
Therersquos no time to get defensive
It will cost youmdashthis city of pain can get so expensive
As people we get apprehensive To share our struggle
But push through and find yourself a safe huddle
And donrsquot have spiritual amnesia of all the times
God rescued you from trouble
ldquoC ITY OF PA INrdquomdashURBAN D (AMNES IA E P )
The last time I remember seeing Scott was at my wedding reception
He was one of my closest friends and he drove all the way down
to ampa from Philly to be one of my groomsmen Less than
two months later I received a phone call informing me that he
was killed on the street in front of his house I couldnrsquot wrap my
mind around it I argued with my friend on the phone hoping
that she was mistaken or maybe playing a twisted joke on me
but it was truemdashmy friend was gone A few days later I was on
a plane to Philadelphia to go and pay my respects Te whole
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RB
way there my mind flashed back to all the great memories we
shared as teenagers and young adults Te pain of unexpected
loss was overwhelming
Te next few days were bittersweet as I reconnected with
several people I hadnrsquot seen in years while mourning the death
of one of my closet friends At the time I was fresh out of Bible
college and had just started youth pastoring in ampa Given
that I was in ministry I received lots of questions from my
friends and extended family and all of a sudden I was the coun-
selormdashthough I felt like I needed some counseling myself Tere
were a lot of tears as God broke my heart with compassion for
these people that I had done life with while growing up I saw
their enormous pain and I shared it
Before hearing the devastating news of my friendrsquos death
things in my life were going great I was a newlywed enjoyingmy new life with Lucy in our first real apartment I was on this
new journey as a youth pastor and our youth group had al-
ready grown from four girls to a couple dozen kids in just a few
months On top of that I was enjoying my first winter in
Florida as a permanent resident It felt like I was in paradise
living the dream
Nehemiahrsquos life was great before he received some life-
changing news too He was living in the palacemdashin paradise
living the dream As the royal cupbearer he had access to the
finest of food and wines in the kingdom Ten he got the phone
call Hanani told him about the condition of the Hebrew people
his people and the walls of Jerusalem they had been destroyed
and his people were in great distress It rocked him to his coreand his heart was broken with compassion ldquoWhen I heard this
I sat down and wept In fact for days I mourned fasted and
prayed to the God of heavenrdquo (Nehemiah )
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Confronting Our Pain
Nehemiah was part of the Jewish population that had been
displaced after the Babylonians conquered them Terefore he
was disconnected from what was happening back in Jerusalem
and could have easily gotten over this feeling of compassion for
the people He could have just shed a tear for his people and
returned to life in the palace but God wouldnrsquot let him He was
rebuilt When you are truly rebuilt God regularly takes you out
of your comfort zone as you are called to help others rebuild
I was disconnected from what was happening up in Philly I
hadnrsquot lived there in many years so I could have shed a few tears
made a phone call or two sent a sympathy card and stayed in
Florida But I knew I needed to get uncomfortable go back and
confront my pain
Living in a sin-sick world we are destined to experience
brokenness pain and failures Rebuilding will and must be a partof the maintenance of your soul We have many people we call
family whether they are blood related or not and they have
brokenness flaws and issues just like we do If we really love
them and care about them like we say we do then we must be a
part of helping them rebuild their lives as wellmdashthatrsquos what real
family does No matter what city we live in there will be problems
because people live there and people will always have problems
Rebuilding is hard rebuilding is necessary and sometimes God
has to break us down in order to build something greater
When we have an encounter with the Creator of the universe
and start a relationship with him the Scriptures say we are a new
creation We are rebuilt We still have the same body and still
have gone through the same things but we are rebuilt and re-wired on the inside We are renewed When we experience this
incredible miracle we have a responsibility and a new built-in
compassion to share it with others and see that same renewal
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RB
happen in our family and in our community around us even if
it means getting uncomfortable
Nehemiah confronted his pain and something amazing began
to happenmdashhe prayed and repented
Listen to my prayer Look down and see me praying night
and day for your people Israel I confess that we have
sinned against you Yes even my own family and I have
sinned We have sinned terribly by not obeying the com-
mands decrees and regulations that you gave us through
your servant Moses (Nehemiah -)
Nehemiah made the fall of Jerusalem personal and took respon-
sibility It wasnrsquot his fault that his people went into captivity
seventy years earliermdashhe wasnrsquot even born yet Yet he still took
responsibility for this national sin It was personal and national
We donrsquot really know about that do we Most of us probably
know about individual repentance but when was the last time
we confessed the sins of our family friends church city and
nation We live in a very individualistic society Our culture has
taught us to only worry about ourselves but the Bible says we
are our brotherrsquos keeper
Te death of my close friend caused me to ask for repentance
for my friends and extended family It caused me to ask for re-
pentance for my generation and the urban culture to which I was
connected and called to minister It caused me to ask for per-
sonal repentance
My friendrsquos funeral was a very difficult time for me Tank
God his parentsrsquo pastor officiated the service but being ldquoTeYouth Pastor Guyrdquo I was asked by the family to share some words
on behalf of all of his friends (I was the public speaker of the
crew) It was one of the toughest speeches Irsquove ever made be-
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Confronting Our Pain
cause Irsquom not the type of cat to sugarcoat thingsmdashI just canrsquot Irsquom
tactful but I canrsquot get up there and lie In fact I hate when
preachers get up at funerals and say ldquoWe all know they are in a
better place now rdquo when everyone at the funeral knows they
were far from God Itrsquos not my place to judge my dead friend but
from most things I had seen in his life there didnrsquot seem to be
any real evidence of him following Christ Irsquom pretty sure he had
made some type of commitment to God when we were teen-
agers but it was all kind of fuzzy and I just wasnrsquot sure I couldnrsquot
get up there with confidence and say I knew wersquod see him again
because I was torn conflicted and fearful that I might not In-
stead I stumbled through talking about some memories we
shared and how much wersquod miss him
In my heart I repented for not saying more to my friend Scott
If I had only known that the very last time I would see my friendwas at my wedding reception I would have pulled him aside and
pleaded with him to get right with Christmdashbut I canrsquot turn back
time it doesnrsquot work like that Despite the feeling of regret I had
God used this event in my life as a catalyst When you confront
your pain God can use it to fuel your energy toward your calling
and your future I knew I was called to rebuild the city but this
put a new fire under me It reminded me that I never knew if the
conversation the sermon or the song I shared with someone
would be the last one that they would hear It put a new level of
compassion in me I wasnrsquot called to go back to Philly and re-
build but to go back to this new city where God had planted me
I was on a mission to rebuild it
When Pain Hits Home
Tis book isnrsquot meant to comfort you but hopefully wake up the
leader inside of you oo many of us have become numb to pain
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RB
and others have been literally paralyzed by it I pray that God
will use the words on these pages like some paddles zapping new
life into your chest Our generation knows pain and connects
with it but many times we never really confront it grow from it
or truly move forwardmdashwe usually just get stuck as we marinate
in it
Growing up in an urban environment I saw a lot of drama
and experienced the painful loss of a few friends However the
dangers tragedy and pain had never penetrated the walls of my
immediate family I was fortunate enough to have a solid family
my parents truly loved God and each other and created a great
home environment for my sister and me Even though there
was all this craziness around us my immediate family always
served as an oasis in the middle of the urban desert I lived and
served inTat all changed on a Tursday night in March of On
this night pain invaded my personal space like never before My
wife and I received a phone call and heard that my father had a
massive brain aneurysm I was in a state of shock How could
this be My father was healthy My father was young He had no
previous health conditions My father was a man of God in min-
istrymdasha pastor for over thirty years A few hours later my wife
and I were on a plane headed to Pittsburgh My father had been
placed in the trauma unit at the cityrsquos largest hospital His con-
dition was critical and he had flatlined a few times which re-
sulted in a coma and life support Te doctors said he probably
would not make itmdashthere were so many complicationsmdashbut I
was praying that God would save his life Te request seemedhopeless
Nehemiahrsquos request seemed hopeless too As he prayed re-
pented and fasted it became more and more personal for him
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Confronting Our Pain
God answered by telling him to leave and go rebuild the citymdasha
seemingly impossible task that would require approval by the
king of the nation that had conquered Nehemiahrsquos people Why
would the king want to send one of his most trusted servants to
go lead a project that he had no interest in In fact the king had
previously ordered that Jerusalem not be rebuilt If the king
denied Nehemiahrsquos request he could have him killed It was an
intense situation but God gave Nehemiah peace
I found myself in that hospital in Pittsburgh going through
the most intense situation of my life We stayed at the hospital
several days Itrsquos hard to sleep in the middle of a crisis and even
more difficult when you are trying to catch some zrsquos in a hospital
waiting room so I spent a lot of time in the chapel those nights
Early one morning around am I was on my face seeking
God when I suddenly felt a peace and knew that everythingwould be okay I felt Godrsquos presence comforting me and it re-
stored my confidence in his ability to do the impossible (when
you are in the middle of a painful experience itrsquos easy to forget
that God can handle it)
Nehemiah prayed that God would grant him favor with the
kingmdashsomething that didnrsquot happen right away it took months
for the right moment to come along Sometimes we act too soon
too late or we donrsquot do anything at all We have to build dis-
cernment from Godrsquos Spirit to know when to make a move Ne-
hemiah was tuned in to know that moment was upon him He
was serving the king some wine when the king noticed that
Nehemiah wasnrsquot himself ldquoSo the king asked me lsquoWhy are
you looking so sad You donrsquot look sick to me You must bedeeply troubledrsquordquo (Nehemiah ) Nehemiah was nervous but
he shared his heart for rebuilding the city of his people He
knew this was the moment when everything weighed in the
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balance Either he could lose his trust his job and maybe even
his life or this confrontation could lead to a rebuilding journey
that would change history Te king asked a few questions
looked over at the queen and decided to grant his request It was
truly a miracle God had granted Nehemiah favor
Te situation with my father has been a difficult one over the
past decade But God did assure me in that hospital chapel that
everything would be okay Although they didnrsquot happen right
away God has done some miracles in my family Tis has been
a rebuilding journey that has changed history for a lot of people
Te doctors said my father would probably not make it and if he
did he would just be a vegetable on life support Tey were
wrong After three months he came out of the coma came off
life support and was able to talk and regain some of his memory
and movement His situationrsquos still a challenge as he is in anursing home facility requiring twenty-four-hour care but he
has come a long way More importantly he is still with us and
God has taught my family a lot through it We didnrsquot turn our
backs on God and run from this With his grace we learned to
confront it walk through it wrestle with it and grow through it
Yes we were crushed through this traumatic experience but
God has rebuilt us even stronger Wersquove learned he is sovereign
and we now have an even deeper trust in him We believe God
can heal my father though that may not be his plan and thatrsquos
okay too
When the Best Day Ever Turns into the Worst Day Ever
My hope lies in the life ahead where wersquoll be permanently re-built where we canrsquot suffer from a stroke or get cancer or have
an aneurism Itrsquos a place where we wonrsquot have to confront pain
or suffer from lossmdashwhere wersquoll be reunited with those wersquove
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Confronting Our Pain
lost Wersquove all lost some people that we deeply care about
friends grandparents parents and even children
In early I had just taken the position as lead pastor at
Crossover Church Honestly I got pushed into it and said yes out
of necessity Te youth ministry I was leading was flourishing
with hundreds coming but there were only a handful of people
attending on Sundays the church was floundering We experi-
enced a lot of change transition uncertainty hope and ex-
citement all at the same time In the midst of all of it my wife
Lucy surprised me one night with a romantic dinner After we
ate she handed me a card with a sonogram picture of our baby
inside I was in tears We had been married over six years and
now were ready to take the next step and become parents
A few weeks after I got this incredible news from my wife I
had a concert in Orlando at the arena that is the home of theMagic As a hip-hop artist I regularly perform and speak at many
events I had my entire team there a DJ some break dancers and
a few other rappers My wife was also planning on coming but
she decided to stay home since she wasnrsquot feeling well and didnrsquot
want to push it Tat night was incredible I had the opportunity
to do a thirty-minute set in front of over thirteen thousand
people Te response was amazing and I was on a spiritual high
We drove home from Orlando to ampa that night and arrived
after am Instead of my wife being fast asleep she was
awake and very sickmdashshe didnrsquot look good Tis night that
started out as one of the best of my life soon turned into one of
the worst Shortly after am I rushed her to the hospital
where we soon found out that we lost our baby Words canrsquotdescribe that feeling words on a page or a screen could never
articulate it
After Lucyrsquos miscarriage the doctors discovered that she had
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a large ovarian cyst that might have caused it A few months
later the cyst grew so large that she would have to have major
surgery to remove it We were still recovering from losing our
child and now we had to sign legal hospital documents with the
understanding that my wife may never be able to have children
It was painful for both of us but we prayed and trusted
On April the doctors removed a cyst the size of a
baseball Te surgery was a huge success and four months later
Lucy was pregnant again Exactly one year later on April
the doctors performed the same incision (C-section) in my
wifersquos lower abdomen but this time they pulled out my daughter
Deyana Irsquove found that God loves to do things like that He lines
up situations and sometimes even dates to show us things We
donrsquot always understand why but he does it for our growth and
for his glory there is purpose in it God has brought healing tomy wife and me and blessed us with two healthy girls
Rebuilding is a process that takes time and intentionality
Wersquove met so many people who have lost an unborn child but
Irsquove never heard a song about this experience so one way I con-
fronted my pain was by writing a song about it Oftentimes
finding an outlet to channel pain in a healthy way can also help
others through theirs Te song was titled ldquoPurposerdquo and re-
leased on my Unorthodox album (You can access this song at
the Noisetrade link on the ldquoAdditional Rebuild Resourcesrdquo page at
the back of this book) As a result of recording the song Irsquove had
countless people share their stories of pain and loss with me What
we do with pain and what we learn from it is vital to our lives
When we rise above its isolating factor pain can connect people
Pain in Our Communities
I witnessed the pain in my city as I hung out on the basketball
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Confronting Our Pain
courts and visited the homes of teens that started coming to our
youth service and the basketball league we sponsored My heart
was grieved because over percent of them didnrsquot have a father
Many of their dads were locked up Some were around occa-
sionally while other teens had never met their dads at all Tis
isnrsquot unique to my city Tere is a male leadership crisis in the
urban community Itrsquos a generational cycle of sin and suffering
as people donrsquot follow Godrsquos instructions
One of the reasons our youth ministry grew to hundreds
was that we had so many male leaders of color that could
connect and relate to the teens we were reaching out to A lot
of our leaders were artists like myself We built our youth min-
istry around sports and the arts as this is what teens are influ-
enced by Each one of our leaders took several teens under
their wings to help rebuild their lives I regularly had teenstelling me they looked up to me as a father figure even though
at the time I was only a few years older than them We had
classes to help build their talent and their walk with Christ
including break dancing classes DJ classes art classes acting
MC (rapping) classes and more All of this was infused with
discipleship and life skills
By the time we entered our sixth year of youth ministry at the
church we were reaching hundreds of teens and young adults at
our Tursday night service Tis was amazing It was an anomaly
But we noticed we were doing a poor job at connecting them and
their families to our church on Sundays Tere was so much pain
and brokenness in our community yet most of these people
werenrsquot attending a church being discipled or receiving toolsand empowerment to help their families become healthier
We knew we had to rebuild the way we did church on Sundays
if we were truly going to meet the needs of our community As
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RB
I became the pastor I had a lot of questions What would that
look like Who else was reaching an audience of young families
in a multiethnic urban environment We couldnrsquot find any
models at the time so we had to carefully and prayerfully begin
the rebuilding process ourselves We looked to God mentors
books and other churches to piece the puzzle together
It would have been much easier to try to attract a crowd that
was more stable and more affluent but thatrsquos not who we were
called to reach Like Nehemiah sometimes God calls us to re-
build people that others have learned to ignore As we followed
Godrsquos lead we watched him blow our minds over the next few
years Soon he brought us to the point where we outgrew our
little facility We were forced to confront our pain as a church
as several of the neighbors rose up against us Tey called the
police and reported us to the city every chance they got Wetried to be courteous We sent letters gift cards met with
some of them and even visited them when they were sick
Some of this helped but ultimately our church was bringing a
lot of noise and traffic into the middle of a residential neigh-
borhood We didnrsquot want to frustrate our neighbors and we
knew that Godrsquos vision of rebuilding our city was much larger
than that location
Nehemiah was unattached to the hurting people within the
crumbling walls of Jerusalem but he was still broken by their
pain and suffering Tere are hurting people all over in our
neighborhood our city our state our country and overseas My
prayer is that God will break our hearts with compassion for
those he calls us to reach Pain and loss has the power to connecthurting people when we allow God to soften our hearts and
work through our suffering Like Nehemiah going before the
king we must trust God with the tough situations in life act in
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Confronting Our Pain
obedience and wait for his timing We must confront our pain
Tat is when our own rebuilding begins to take place Oppo-
sition is bound to come in one form or another and we cannot
always rely on other people to get the job done but even then
God gives us the ability to stay positive trust in him and keep
on building
Building Blocks
bull Your LifemdashIdentify some personal pain that you havenrsquot con-
fronted How has that been affecting you What are the next
steps you need to take to rebuild
bull Your ChurchmdashWhat are some sources of pain in your
church Is there anything that has been causing conflict How
can God use you to bring reconciliation and healing so your
church can be rebuilt even stronger
bull Your WorldmdashWhat is one issue in your city that has been
painful for many people (for example homelessness sex traf-
ficking poverty fatherlessness etc) How can you or your
small group or your church assist people give them hope and
help them rebuild
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ReBuildreset your life
renew your church
reshape your world
Tommy ldquoUrban Drdquo Kyllonen
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InterVarsity Press
PO Box 983089983092983088983088 Downers Grove IL 983094983088983093983089983093-983089983092983090983094
ivpresscom
emailivpresscom
copy983090983088983089983093 by Tommy Kyllonen
All rights reserved No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission
from InterVarsity Press
InterVarsity Pressreg is the book-publishing division of InterVarsity Christian FellowshipUSAreg a
movement of students and faculty active on campus at hundreds of universities colleges and schools
of nursing in the United States of America and a member movement of the International Fellowship
of Evangelical Students For information about local and regional activities visit intervarsityorg
Unless otherwise indicated all Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible New Living
Translation copyright copy983089983097983097983094 983090983088983088983092 983090983088983088983095 983090983088983089983091 Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers
Inc Carol Stream Illinois 983094983088983089983096983096 All rights reserved
While any stories in this book are true some names and identifying information may have been
changed to protect the privacy of individuals
Cover design Cindy Kiple
Interior design Beth McGill
Images copy morkemaniStockphoto
ISBN 983097983095983096-983088-983096983091983088983096-983092983092983092983093-983094 (print)
ISBN 983097983095983096-983088-983096983091983088983096-983097983097983091983096-983096 (digital)
Printed in the United States of America
As a member of the Green Press Initiative InterVarsity Press is committed to protecting the environment and to the responsible use of natural resources To learn
more visit greenpressinitiativeorgLibrary of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Kyllonen Tommy 983089983097983095983091-
Rebuild reset your life renew your church reshape your world Tommy ldquoUrban Drdquo Kyllonen
983089 online resource
Includes bibliographical references
Description based on print version record and CIP data provided by publisher resource not viewed
ISBN 983097983095983096-983088-983096983091983088983096-983097983097983091983096-983096 (eBook)mdashISBN 983097983095983096-983088-983096983091983088983096-983092983092983092983093-983094 (pbk alk paper)
983089 Christian life 983090 Bible NehemiahmdashCriticism interpretation etc I Title
BV983092983093983088983097983093
983090983092983096983092mdashdc983090983091
983090983088983089983093983088983090983091983096983095983090
P 983090983088 983089983097 983089983096 983089983095 983089983094 983089983093 983089983092 983089983091 983089983090 983089983089 983089983088 983097 983096 983095 983094 983093 983092 983091 983090 983089
Y 983091983090 983091983089 983091983088 983090983097 983090983096 983090983095 983090983094 983090983093 983090983092 983090983091 983090983090 983090983089 983090983088 983089983097 983089983096 983089983095 983089983094 983089983093
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Contents
Introduction 983097
983089 Confronting Our Pain 983089983091
983090 Becoming a Humble Beast 983090983095
983091 Learning New Skills 983092983091
983092 No Free Passes 983093983093
983093 Facing Opposition 983094983093
983094 Breathing Room 983096983089
983095 opping Off the Walls 983097983093
983096 Empowering Others 983089983089983093
983097 Rebuilding Movement 983089983091983091
983089983088 New Life New Fam New City 983089983093983093
Acknowledgments 983089983095983092
Additional ReBuild Resoures 983089983095983093
About the Author 983089983095983094
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Introduction
I never knew how hard rebuilding would actually be Tatrsquos why many
people take the route of building something brand new or
buying something brand new
My rebuilding journey started at Crossover Church in Iwas fresh out of Bible college and built an urban youth ministry
at a small church in ampa By the youth ministry grew to
hundreds while the Sunday adult service struggled at around
forty people Several leaders of the church pushed me into
stepping up to become the lead pastor and rebuild the church I
was reluctant to take it on as I was only in my twenties and I was
a hip-hop artist signed to a national record label But my wife
and I felt God calling us to rebuild our church spiritually and
physically We began to make several changes within that first
year We stepped out of the box and did some things that had
never been done before in church Tere were people who said
it would never work It would never grow It would never become
self-sustainable But something amazing began to happen at that
little old rundown church building Fast forward six years and
we had physically rebuilt the entire campus and spiritually re-
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RB
built so many lives we were bursting at the seams
Our young urban church was crazy enough to relocate and
take on a forty-three-thousand-square-foot build-out of a
former oysldquoRrdquoUs building in amparsquos inner city Sounds dif-
ficult but when you add the fact that we undertook this project
in the middle of a recession in one of the hardest hit cities in the
country it seemed virtually impossible God had opened up all
the right doors but soon we realized we were in way over our
heads It was beyond our experience our wisdom and our re-
sources But sometimes this is exactly where God wants you
Tatrsquos when he gets your full attention
Just like our congregation Nehemiah and his people had
some naysayers Tey told him it was impossible to rebuild the
walls of Jerusalem but he did it in just fifty-two days I love Ne-
hemiahrsquos story Itrsquos an epic journey of compassion risk and mir-acles It started many months before the actual fifty-two days
and the ongoing spiritual rebuilding lasted for years after the
builders topped the walls Te thing that especially excites me
about Nehemiahrsquos story is that he didnrsquot have the experience to
lead yet God used him When God rebuilds us he calls all of us
to lead
As you look through Scripture you can regularly see how God
uses the unlikely He uses the underdogs He uses ordinary
people just like you and me to step up and lead things beyond
what wersquod ever dream or imagine Maybe you feel like you are
unworthy and God canrsquot use you because you made too many
mistakes Maybe you feel you donrsquot have enough talent or expe-
rience Maybe you feel like itrsquos too late Irsquom here to tell youotherwise If yoursquove ever experienced any brokenness then you
need to keep reading Tis book is designed to bring out the
rebuilt leader in all of us At the end of each chapter of ReBuild
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Introduction
yoursquoll find questions that will help you think about practical next
steps in rebuilding yourself your church and the world around
you Wersquove also created some free resources on urbandorg for
your small group and your church including videos music cur-
riculum and sermon notes so you can take this rebuilding
journey with others
Rebuilding will stretch you It can wreck you or make you
stronger Rebuilding your life your church and your world will
take you to places you never thought you would go It will reveal
things about you and those around you that you didnrsquot know It
will expose the good the bad and the ugly Te past few years of
my life have been the most difficult but the most exciting re-
warding season Irsquove ever had If you are ready to experience
some supernatural rebuilding then pick up your hammer and
your sword and letrsquos go to work
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one
Confronting Our Pain
Therersquos no time to get defensive
It will cost youmdashthis city of pain can get so expensive
As people we get apprehensive To share our struggle
But push through and find yourself a safe huddle
And donrsquot have spiritual amnesia of all the times
God rescued you from trouble
ldquoC ITY OF PA INrdquomdashURBAN D (AMNES IA E P )
The last time I remember seeing Scott was at my wedding reception
He was one of my closest friends and he drove all the way down
to ampa from Philly to be one of my groomsmen Less than
two months later I received a phone call informing me that he
was killed on the street in front of his house I couldnrsquot wrap my
mind around it I argued with my friend on the phone hoping
that she was mistaken or maybe playing a twisted joke on me
but it was truemdashmy friend was gone A few days later I was on
a plane to Philadelphia to go and pay my respects Te whole
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RB
way there my mind flashed back to all the great memories we
shared as teenagers and young adults Te pain of unexpected
loss was overwhelming
Te next few days were bittersweet as I reconnected with
several people I hadnrsquot seen in years while mourning the death
of one of my closet friends At the time I was fresh out of Bible
college and had just started youth pastoring in ampa Given
that I was in ministry I received lots of questions from my
friends and extended family and all of a sudden I was the coun-
selormdashthough I felt like I needed some counseling myself Tere
were a lot of tears as God broke my heart with compassion for
these people that I had done life with while growing up I saw
their enormous pain and I shared it
Before hearing the devastating news of my friendrsquos death
things in my life were going great I was a newlywed enjoyingmy new life with Lucy in our first real apartment I was on this
new journey as a youth pastor and our youth group had al-
ready grown from four girls to a couple dozen kids in just a few
months On top of that I was enjoying my first winter in
Florida as a permanent resident It felt like I was in paradise
living the dream
Nehemiahrsquos life was great before he received some life-
changing news too He was living in the palacemdashin paradise
living the dream As the royal cupbearer he had access to the
finest of food and wines in the kingdom Ten he got the phone
call Hanani told him about the condition of the Hebrew people
his people and the walls of Jerusalem they had been destroyed
and his people were in great distress It rocked him to his coreand his heart was broken with compassion ldquoWhen I heard this
I sat down and wept In fact for days I mourned fasted and
prayed to the God of heavenrdquo (Nehemiah )
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Confronting Our Pain
Nehemiah was part of the Jewish population that had been
displaced after the Babylonians conquered them Terefore he
was disconnected from what was happening back in Jerusalem
and could have easily gotten over this feeling of compassion for
the people He could have just shed a tear for his people and
returned to life in the palace but God wouldnrsquot let him He was
rebuilt When you are truly rebuilt God regularly takes you out
of your comfort zone as you are called to help others rebuild
I was disconnected from what was happening up in Philly I
hadnrsquot lived there in many years so I could have shed a few tears
made a phone call or two sent a sympathy card and stayed in
Florida But I knew I needed to get uncomfortable go back and
confront my pain
Living in a sin-sick world we are destined to experience
brokenness pain and failures Rebuilding will and must be a partof the maintenance of your soul We have many people we call
family whether they are blood related or not and they have
brokenness flaws and issues just like we do If we really love
them and care about them like we say we do then we must be a
part of helping them rebuild their lives as wellmdashthatrsquos what real
family does No matter what city we live in there will be problems
because people live there and people will always have problems
Rebuilding is hard rebuilding is necessary and sometimes God
has to break us down in order to build something greater
When we have an encounter with the Creator of the universe
and start a relationship with him the Scriptures say we are a new
creation We are rebuilt We still have the same body and still
have gone through the same things but we are rebuilt and re-wired on the inside We are renewed When we experience this
incredible miracle we have a responsibility and a new built-in
compassion to share it with others and see that same renewal
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RB
happen in our family and in our community around us even if
it means getting uncomfortable
Nehemiah confronted his pain and something amazing began
to happenmdashhe prayed and repented
Listen to my prayer Look down and see me praying night
and day for your people Israel I confess that we have
sinned against you Yes even my own family and I have
sinned We have sinned terribly by not obeying the com-
mands decrees and regulations that you gave us through
your servant Moses (Nehemiah -)
Nehemiah made the fall of Jerusalem personal and took respon-
sibility It wasnrsquot his fault that his people went into captivity
seventy years earliermdashhe wasnrsquot even born yet Yet he still took
responsibility for this national sin It was personal and national
We donrsquot really know about that do we Most of us probably
know about individual repentance but when was the last time
we confessed the sins of our family friends church city and
nation We live in a very individualistic society Our culture has
taught us to only worry about ourselves but the Bible says we
are our brotherrsquos keeper
Te death of my close friend caused me to ask for repentance
for my friends and extended family It caused me to ask for re-
pentance for my generation and the urban culture to which I was
connected and called to minister It caused me to ask for per-
sonal repentance
My friendrsquos funeral was a very difficult time for me Tank
God his parentsrsquo pastor officiated the service but being ldquoTeYouth Pastor Guyrdquo I was asked by the family to share some words
on behalf of all of his friends (I was the public speaker of the
crew) It was one of the toughest speeches Irsquove ever made be-
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Confronting Our Pain
cause Irsquom not the type of cat to sugarcoat thingsmdashI just canrsquot Irsquom
tactful but I canrsquot get up there and lie In fact I hate when
preachers get up at funerals and say ldquoWe all know they are in a
better place now rdquo when everyone at the funeral knows they
were far from God Itrsquos not my place to judge my dead friend but
from most things I had seen in his life there didnrsquot seem to be
any real evidence of him following Christ Irsquom pretty sure he had
made some type of commitment to God when we were teen-
agers but it was all kind of fuzzy and I just wasnrsquot sure I couldnrsquot
get up there with confidence and say I knew wersquod see him again
because I was torn conflicted and fearful that I might not In-
stead I stumbled through talking about some memories we
shared and how much wersquod miss him
In my heart I repented for not saying more to my friend Scott
If I had only known that the very last time I would see my friendwas at my wedding reception I would have pulled him aside and
pleaded with him to get right with Christmdashbut I canrsquot turn back
time it doesnrsquot work like that Despite the feeling of regret I had
God used this event in my life as a catalyst When you confront
your pain God can use it to fuel your energy toward your calling
and your future I knew I was called to rebuild the city but this
put a new fire under me It reminded me that I never knew if the
conversation the sermon or the song I shared with someone
would be the last one that they would hear It put a new level of
compassion in me I wasnrsquot called to go back to Philly and re-
build but to go back to this new city where God had planted me
I was on a mission to rebuild it
When Pain Hits Home
Tis book isnrsquot meant to comfort you but hopefully wake up the
leader inside of you oo many of us have become numb to pain
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RB
and others have been literally paralyzed by it I pray that God
will use the words on these pages like some paddles zapping new
life into your chest Our generation knows pain and connects
with it but many times we never really confront it grow from it
or truly move forwardmdashwe usually just get stuck as we marinate
in it
Growing up in an urban environment I saw a lot of drama
and experienced the painful loss of a few friends However the
dangers tragedy and pain had never penetrated the walls of my
immediate family I was fortunate enough to have a solid family
my parents truly loved God and each other and created a great
home environment for my sister and me Even though there
was all this craziness around us my immediate family always
served as an oasis in the middle of the urban desert I lived and
served inTat all changed on a Tursday night in March of On
this night pain invaded my personal space like never before My
wife and I received a phone call and heard that my father had a
massive brain aneurysm I was in a state of shock How could
this be My father was healthy My father was young He had no
previous health conditions My father was a man of God in min-
istrymdasha pastor for over thirty years A few hours later my wife
and I were on a plane headed to Pittsburgh My father had been
placed in the trauma unit at the cityrsquos largest hospital His con-
dition was critical and he had flatlined a few times which re-
sulted in a coma and life support Te doctors said he probably
would not make itmdashthere were so many complicationsmdashbut I
was praying that God would save his life Te request seemedhopeless
Nehemiahrsquos request seemed hopeless too As he prayed re-
pented and fasted it became more and more personal for him
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Confronting Our Pain
God answered by telling him to leave and go rebuild the citymdasha
seemingly impossible task that would require approval by the
king of the nation that had conquered Nehemiahrsquos people Why
would the king want to send one of his most trusted servants to
go lead a project that he had no interest in In fact the king had
previously ordered that Jerusalem not be rebuilt If the king
denied Nehemiahrsquos request he could have him killed It was an
intense situation but God gave Nehemiah peace
I found myself in that hospital in Pittsburgh going through
the most intense situation of my life We stayed at the hospital
several days Itrsquos hard to sleep in the middle of a crisis and even
more difficult when you are trying to catch some zrsquos in a hospital
waiting room so I spent a lot of time in the chapel those nights
Early one morning around am I was on my face seeking
God when I suddenly felt a peace and knew that everythingwould be okay I felt Godrsquos presence comforting me and it re-
stored my confidence in his ability to do the impossible (when
you are in the middle of a painful experience itrsquos easy to forget
that God can handle it)
Nehemiah prayed that God would grant him favor with the
kingmdashsomething that didnrsquot happen right away it took months
for the right moment to come along Sometimes we act too soon
too late or we donrsquot do anything at all We have to build dis-
cernment from Godrsquos Spirit to know when to make a move Ne-
hemiah was tuned in to know that moment was upon him He
was serving the king some wine when the king noticed that
Nehemiah wasnrsquot himself ldquoSo the king asked me lsquoWhy are
you looking so sad You donrsquot look sick to me You must bedeeply troubledrsquordquo (Nehemiah ) Nehemiah was nervous but
he shared his heart for rebuilding the city of his people He
knew this was the moment when everything weighed in the
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RB
balance Either he could lose his trust his job and maybe even
his life or this confrontation could lead to a rebuilding journey
that would change history Te king asked a few questions
looked over at the queen and decided to grant his request It was
truly a miracle God had granted Nehemiah favor
Te situation with my father has been a difficult one over the
past decade But God did assure me in that hospital chapel that
everything would be okay Although they didnrsquot happen right
away God has done some miracles in my family Tis has been
a rebuilding journey that has changed history for a lot of people
Te doctors said my father would probably not make it and if he
did he would just be a vegetable on life support Tey were
wrong After three months he came out of the coma came off
life support and was able to talk and regain some of his memory
and movement His situationrsquos still a challenge as he is in anursing home facility requiring twenty-four-hour care but he
has come a long way More importantly he is still with us and
God has taught my family a lot through it We didnrsquot turn our
backs on God and run from this With his grace we learned to
confront it walk through it wrestle with it and grow through it
Yes we were crushed through this traumatic experience but
God has rebuilt us even stronger Wersquove learned he is sovereign
and we now have an even deeper trust in him We believe God
can heal my father though that may not be his plan and thatrsquos
okay too
When the Best Day Ever Turns into the Worst Day Ever
My hope lies in the life ahead where wersquoll be permanently re-built where we canrsquot suffer from a stroke or get cancer or have
an aneurism Itrsquos a place where we wonrsquot have to confront pain
or suffer from lossmdashwhere wersquoll be reunited with those wersquove
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Confronting Our Pain
lost Wersquove all lost some people that we deeply care about
friends grandparents parents and even children
In early I had just taken the position as lead pastor at
Crossover Church Honestly I got pushed into it and said yes out
of necessity Te youth ministry I was leading was flourishing
with hundreds coming but there were only a handful of people
attending on Sundays the church was floundering We experi-
enced a lot of change transition uncertainty hope and ex-
citement all at the same time In the midst of all of it my wife
Lucy surprised me one night with a romantic dinner After we
ate she handed me a card with a sonogram picture of our baby
inside I was in tears We had been married over six years and
now were ready to take the next step and become parents
A few weeks after I got this incredible news from my wife I
had a concert in Orlando at the arena that is the home of theMagic As a hip-hop artist I regularly perform and speak at many
events I had my entire team there a DJ some break dancers and
a few other rappers My wife was also planning on coming but
she decided to stay home since she wasnrsquot feeling well and didnrsquot
want to push it Tat night was incredible I had the opportunity
to do a thirty-minute set in front of over thirteen thousand
people Te response was amazing and I was on a spiritual high
We drove home from Orlando to ampa that night and arrived
after am Instead of my wife being fast asleep she was
awake and very sickmdashshe didnrsquot look good Tis night that
started out as one of the best of my life soon turned into one of
the worst Shortly after am I rushed her to the hospital
where we soon found out that we lost our baby Words canrsquotdescribe that feeling words on a page or a screen could never
articulate it
After Lucyrsquos miscarriage the doctors discovered that she had
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RB
a large ovarian cyst that might have caused it A few months
later the cyst grew so large that she would have to have major
surgery to remove it We were still recovering from losing our
child and now we had to sign legal hospital documents with the
understanding that my wife may never be able to have children
It was painful for both of us but we prayed and trusted
On April the doctors removed a cyst the size of a
baseball Te surgery was a huge success and four months later
Lucy was pregnant again Exactly one year later on April
the doctors performed the same incision (C-section) in my
wifersquos lower abdomen but this time they pulled out my daughter
Deyana Irsquove found that God loves to do things like that He lines
up situations and sometimes even dates to show us things We
donrsquot always understand why but he does it for our growth and
for his glory there is purpose in it God has brought healing tomy wife and me and blessed us with two healthy girls
Rebuilding is a process that takes time and intentionality
Wersquove met so many people who have lost an unborn child but
Irsquove never heard a song about this experience so one way I con-
fronted my pain was by writing a song about it Oftentimes
finding an outlet to channel pain in a healthy way can also help
others through theirs Te song was titled ldquoPurposerdquo and re-
leased on my Unorthodox album (You can access this song at
the Noisetrade link on the ldquoAdditional Rebuild Resourcesrdquo page at
the back of this book) As a result of recording the song Irsquove had
countless people share their stories of pain and loss with me What
we do with pain and what we learn from it is vital to our lives
When we rise above its isolating factor pain can connect people
Pain in Our Communities
I witnessed the pain in my city as I hung out on the basketball
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Confronting Our Pain
courts and visited the homes of teens that started coming to our
youth service and the basketball league we sponsored My heart
was grieved because over percent of them didnrsquot have a father
Many of their dads were locked up Some were around occa-
sionally while other teens had never met their dads at all Tis
isnrsquot unique to my city Tere is a male leadership crisis in the
urban community Itrsquos a generational cycle of sin and suffering
as people donrsquot follow Godrsquos instructions
One of the reasons our youth ministry grew to hundreds
was that we had so many male leaders of color that could
connect and relate to the teens we were reaching out to A lot
of our leaders were artists like myself We built our youth min-
istry around sports and the arts as this is what teens are influ-
enced by Each one of our leaders took several teens under
their wings to help rebuild their lives I regularly had teenstelling me they looked up to me as a father figure even though
at the time I was only a few years older than them We had
classes to help build their talent and their walk with Christ
including break dancing classes DJ classes art classes acting
MC (rapping) classes and more All of this was infused with
discipleship and life skills
By the time we entered our sixth year of youth ministry at the
church we were reaching hundreds of teens and young adults at
our Tursday night service Tis was amazing It was an anomaly
But we noticed we were doing a poor job at connecting them and
their families to our church on Sundays Tere was so much pain
and brokenness in our community yet most of these people
werenrsquot attending a church being discipled or receiving toolsand empowerment to help their families become healthier
We knew we had to rebuild the way we did church on Sundays
if we were truly going to meet the needs of our community As
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RB
I became the pastor I had a lot of questions What would that
look like Who else was reaching an audience of young families
in a multiethnic urban environment We couldnrsquot find any
models at the time so we had to carefully and prayerfully begin
the rebuilding process ourselves We looked to God mentors
books and other churches to piece the puzzle together
It would have been much easier to try to attract a crowd that
was more stable and more affluent but thatrsquos not who we were
called to reach Like Nehemiah sometimes God calls us to re-
build people that others have learned to ignore As we followed
Godrsquos lead we watched him blow our minds over the next few
years Soon he brought us to the point where we outgrew our
little facility We were forced to confront our pain as a church
as several of the neighbors rose up against us Tey called the
police and reported us to the city every chance they got Wetried to be courteous We sent letters gift cards met with
some of them and even visited them when they were sick
Some of this helped but ultimately our church was bringing a
lot of noise and traffic into the middle of a residential neigh-
borhood We didnrsquot want to frustrate our neighbors and we
knew that Godrsquos vision of rebuilding our city was much larger
than that location
Nehemiah was unattached to the hurting people within the
crumbling walls of Jerusalem but he was still broken by their
pain and suffering Tere are hurting people all over in our
neighborhood our city our state our country and overseas My
prayer is that God will break our hearts with compassion for
those he calls us to reach Pain and loss has the power to connecthurting people when we allow God to soften our hearts and
work through our suffering Like Nehemiah going before the
king we must trust God with the tough situations in life act in
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Confronting Our Pain
obedience and wait for his timing We must confront our pain
Tat is when our own rebuilding begins to take place Oppo-
sition is bound to come in one form or another and we cannot
always rely on other people to get the job done but even then
God gives us the ability to stay positive trust in him and keep
on building
Building Blocks
bull Your LifemdashIdentify some personal pain that you havenrsquot con-
fronted How has that been affecting you What are the next
steps you need to take to rebuild
bull Your ChurchmdashWhat are some sources of pain in your
church Is there anything that has been causing conflict How
can God use you to bring reconciliation and healing so your
church can be rebuilt even stronger
bull Your WorldmdashWhat is one issue in your city that has been
painful for many people (for example homelessness sex traf-
ficking poverty fatherlessness etc) How can you or your
small group or your church assist people give them hope and
help them rebuild
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ReBuildreset your life
renew your church
reshape your world
Tommy ldquoUrban Drdquo Kyllonen
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InterVarsity Press
PO Box 983089983092983088983088 Downers Grove IL 983094983088983093983089983093-983089983092983090983094
ivpresscom
emailivpresscom
copy983090983088983089983093 by Tommy Kyllonen
All rights reserved No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission
from InterVarsity Press
InterVarsity Pressreg is the book-publishing division of InterVarsity Christian FellowshipUSAreg a
movement of students and faculty active on campus at hundreds of universities colleges and schools
of nursing in the United States of America and a member movement of the International Fellowship
of Evangelical Students For information about local and regional activities visit intervarsityorg
Unless otherwise indicated all Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible New Living
Translation copyright copy983089983097983097983094 983090983088983088983092 983090983088983088983095 983090983088983089983091 Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers
Inc Carol Stream Illinois 983094983088983089983096983096 All rights reserved
While any stories in this book are true some names and identifying information may have been
changed to protect the privacy of individuals
Cover design Cindy Kiple
Interior design Beth McGill
Images copy morkemaniStockphoto
ISBN 983097983095983096-983088-983096983091983088983096-983092983092983092983093-983094 (print)
ISBN 983097983095983096-983088-983096983091983088983096-983097983097983091983096-983096 (digital)
Printed in the United States of America
As a member of the Green Press Initiative InterVarsity Press is committed to protecting the environment and to the responsible use of natural resources To learn
more visit greenpressinitiativeorgLibrary of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Kyllonen Tommy 983089983097983095983091-
Rebuild reset your life renew your church reshape your world Tommy ldquoUrban Drdquo Kyllonen
983089 online resource
Includes bibliographical references
Description based on print version record and CIP data provided by publisher resource not viewed
ISBN 983097983095983096-983088-983096983091983088983096-983097983097983091983096-983096 (eBook)mdashISBN 983097983095983096-983088-983096983091983088983096-983092983092983092983093-983094 (pbk alk paper)
983089 Christian life 983090 Bible NehemiahmdashCriticism interpretation etc I Title
BV983092983093983088983097983093
983090983092983096983092mdashdc983090983091
983090983088983089983093983088983090983091983096983095983090
P 983090983088 983089983097 983089983096 983089983095 983089983094 983089983093 983089983092 983089983091 983089983090 983089983089 983089983088 983097 983096 983095 983094 983093 983092 983091 983090 983089
Y 983091983090 983091983089 983091983088 983090983097 983090983096 983090983095 983090983094 983090983093 983090983092 983090983091 983090983090 983090983089 983090983088 983089983097 983089983096 983089983095 983089983094 983089983093
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Contents
Introduction 983097
983089 Confronting Our Pain 983089983091
983090 Becoming a Humble Beast 983090983095
983091 Learning New Skills 983092983091
983092 No Free Passes 983093983093
983093 Facing Opposition 983094983093
983094 Breathing Room 983096983089
983095 opping Off the Walls 983097983093
983096 Empowering Others 983089983089983093
983097 Rebuilding Movement 983089983091983091
983089983088 New Life New Fam New City 983089983093983093
Acknowledgments 983089983095983092
Additional ReBuild Resoures 983089983095983093
About the Author 983089983095983094
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Introduction
I never knew how hard rebuilding would actually be Tatrsquos why many
people take the route of building something brand new or
buying something brand new
My rebuilding journey started at Crossover Church in Iwas fresh out of Bible college and built an urban youth ministry
at a small church in ampa By the youth ministry grew to
hundreds while the Sunday adult service struggled at around
forty people Several leaders of the church pushed me into
stepping up to become the lead pastor and rebuild the church I
was reluctant to take it on as I was only in my twenties and I was
a hip-hop artist signed to a national record label But my wife
and I felt God calling us to rebuild our church spiritually and
physically We began to make several changes within that first
year We stepped out of the box and did some things that had
never been done before in church Tere were people who said
it would never work It would never grow It would never become
self-sustainable But something amazing began to happen at that
little old rundown church building Fast forward six years and
we had physically rebuilt the entire campus and spiritually re-
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RB
built so many lives we were bursting at the seams
Our young urban church was crazy enough to relocate and
take on a forty-three-thousand-square-foot build-out of a
former oysldquoRrdquoUs building in amparsquos inner city Sounds dif-
ficult but when you add the fact that we undertook this project
in the middle of a recession in one of the hardest hit cities in the
country it seemed virtually impossible God had opened up all
the right doors but soon we realized we were in way over our
heads It was beyond our experience our wisdom and our re-
sources But sometimes this is exactly where God wants you
Tatrsquos when he gets your full attention
Just like our congregation Nehemiah and his people had
some naysayers Tey told him it was impossible to rebuild the
walls of Jerusalem but he did it in just fifty-two days I love Ne-
hemiahrsquos story Itrsquos an epic journey of compassion risk and mir-acles It started many months before the actual fifty-two days
and the ongoing spiritual rebuilding lasted for years after the
builders topped the walls Te thing that especially excites me
about Nehemiahrsquos story is that he didnrsquot have the experience to
lead yet God used him When God rebuilds us he calls all of us
to lead
As you look through Scripture you can regularly see how God
uses the unlikely He uses the underdogs He uses ordinary
people just like you and me to step up and lead things beyond
what wersquod ever dream or imagine Maybe you feel like you are
unworthy and God canrsquot use you because you made too many
mistakes Maybe you feel you donrsquot have enough talent or expe-
rience Maybe you feel like itrsquos too late Irsquom here to tell youotherwise If yoursquove ever experienced any brokenness then you
need to keep reading Tis book is designed to bring out the
rebuilt leader in all of us At the end of each chapter of ReBuild
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Introduction
yoursquoll find questions that will help you think about practical next
steps in rebuilding yourself your church and the world around
you Wersquove also created some free resources on urbandorg for
your small group and your church including videos music cur-
riculum and sermon notes so you can take this rebuilding
journey with others
Rebuilding will stretch you It can wreck you or make you
stronger Rebuilding your life your church and your world will
take you to places you never thought you would go It will reveal
things about you and those around you that you didnrsquot know It
will expose the good the bad and the ugly Te past few years of
my life have been the most difficult but the most exciting re-
warding season Irsquove ever had If you are ready to experience
some supernatural rebuilding then pick up your hammer and
your sword and letrsquos go to work
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one
Confronting Our Pain
Therersquos no time to get defensive
It will cost youmdashthis city of pain can get so expensive
As people we get apprehensive To share our struggle
But push through and find yourself a safe huddle
And donrsquot have spiritual amnesia of all the times
God rescued you from trouble
ldquoC ITY OF PA INrdquomdashURBAN D (AMNES IA E P )
The last time I remember seeing Scott was at my wedding reception
He was one of my closest friends and he drove all the way down
to ampa from Philly to be one of my groomsmen Less than
two months later I received a phone call informing me that he
was killed on the street in front of his house I couldnrsquot wrap my
mind around it I argued with my friend on the phone hoping
that she was mistaken or maybe playing a twisted joke on me
but it was truemdashmy friend was gone A few days later I was on
a plane to Philadelphia to go and pay my respects Te whole
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RB
way there my mind flashed back to all the great memories we
shared as teenagers and young adults Te pain of unexpected
loss was overwhelming
Te next few days were bittersweet as I reconnected with
several people I hadnrsquot seen in years while mourning the death
of one of my closet friends At the time I was fresh out of Bible
college and had just started youth pastoring in ampa Given
that I was in ministry I received lots of questions from my
friends and extended family and all of a sudden I was the coun-
selormdashthough I felt like I needed some counseling myself Tere
were a lot of tears as God broke my heart with compassion for
these people that I had done life with while growing up I saw
their enormous pain and I shared it
Before hearing the devastating news of my friendrsquos death
things in my life were going great I was a newlywed enjoyingmy new life with Lucy in our first real apartment I was on this
new journey as a youth pastor and our youth group had al-
ready grown from four girls to a couple dozen kids in just a few
months On top of that I was enjoying my first winter in
Florida as a permanent resident It felt like I was in paradise
living the dream
Nehemiahrsquos life was great before he received some life-
changing news too He was living in the palacemdashin paradise
living the dream As the royal cupbearer he had access to the
finest of food and wines in the kingdom Ten he got the phone
call Hanani told him about the condition of the Hebrew people
his people and the walls of Jerusalem they had been destroyed
and his people were in great distress It rocked him to his coreand his heart was broken with compassion ldquoWhen I heard this
I sat down and wept In fact for days I mourned fasted and
prayed to the God of heavenrdquo (Nehemiah )
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Confronting Our Pain
Nehemiah was part of the Jewish population that had been
displaced after the Babylonians conquered them Terefore he
was disconnected from what was happening back in Jerusalem
and could have easily gotten over this feeling of compassion for
the people He could have just shed a tear for his people and
returned to life in the palace but God wouldnrsquot let him He was
rebuilt When you are truly rebuilt God regularly takes you out
of your comfort zone as you are called to help others rebuild
I was disconnected from what was happening up in Philly I
hadnrsquot lived there in many years so I could have shed a few tears
made a phone call or two sent a sympathy card and stayed in
Florida But I knew I needed to get uncomfortable go back and
confront my pain
Living in a sin-sick world we are destined to experience
brokenness pain and failures Rebuilding will and must be a partof the maintenance of your soul We have many people we call
family whether they are blood related or not and they have
brokenness flaws and issues just like we do If we really love
them and care about them like we say we do then we must be a
part of helping them rebuild their lives as wellmdashthatrsquos what real
family does No matter what city we live in there will be problems
because people live there and people will always have problems
Rebuilding is hard rebuilding is necessary and sometimes God
has to break us down in order to build something greater
When we have an encounter with the Creator of the universe
and start a relationship with him the Scriptures say we are a new
creation We are rebuilt We still have the same body and still
have gone through the same things but we are rebuilt and re-wired on the inside We are renewed When we experience this
incredible miracle we have a responsibility and a new built-in
compassion to share it with others and see that same renewal
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RB
happen in our family and in our community around us even if
it means getting uncomfortable
Nehemiah confronted his pain and something amazing began
to happenmdashhe prayed and repented
Listen to my prayer Look down and see me praying night
and day for your people Israel I confess that we have
sinned against you Yes even my own family and I have
sinned We have sinned terribly by not obeying the com-
mands decrees and regulations that you gave us through
your servant Moses (Nehemiah -)
Nehemiah made the fall of Jerusalem personal and took respon-
sibility It wasnrsquot his fault that his people went into captivity
seventy years earliermdashhe wasnrsquot even born yet Yet he still took
responsibility for this national sin It was personal and national
We donrsquot really know about that do we Most of us probably
know about individual repentance but when was the last time
we confessed the sins of our family friends church city and
nation We live in a very individualistic society Our culture has
taught us to only worry about ourselves but the Bible says we
are our brotherrsquos keeper
Te death of my close friend caused me to ask for repentance
for my friends and extended family It caused me to ask for re-
pentance for my generation and the urban culture to which I was
connected and called to minister It caused me to ask for per-
sonal repentance
My friendrsquos funeral was a very difficult time for me Tank
God his parentsrsquo pastor officiated the service but being ldquoTeYouth Pastor Guyrdquo I was asked by the family to share some words
on behalf of all of his friends (I was the public speaker of the
crew) It was one of the toughest speeches Irsquove ever made be-
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Confronting Our Pain
cause Irsquom not the type of cat to sugarcoat thingsmdashI just canrsquot Irsquom
tactful but I canrsquot get up there and lie In fact I hate when
preachers get up at funerals and say ldquoWe all know they are in a
better place now rdquo when everyone at the funeral knows they
were far from God Itrsquos not my place to judge my dead friend but
from most things I had seen in his life there didnrsquot seem to be
any real evidence of him following Christ Irsquom pretty sure he had
made some type of commitment to God when we were teen-
agers but it was all kind of fuzzy and I just wasnrsquot sure I couldnrsquot
get up there with confidence and say I knew wersquod see him again
because I was torn conflicted and fearful that I might not In-
stead I stumbled through talking about some memories we
shared and how much wersquod miss him
In my heart I repented for not saying more to my friend Scott
If I had only known that the very last time I would see my friendwas at my wedding reception I would have pulled him aside and
pleaded with him to get right with Christmdashbut I canrsquot turn back
time it doesnrsquot work like that Despite the feeling of regret I had
God used this event in my life as a catalyst When you confront
your pain God can use it to fuel your energy toward your calling
and your future I knew I was called to rebuild the city but this
put a new fire under me It reminded me that I never knew if the
conversation the sermon or the song I shared with someone
would be the last one that they would hear It put a new level of
compassion in me I wasnrsquot called to go back to Philly and re-
build but to go back to this new city where God had planted me
I was on a mission to rebuild it
When Pain Hits Home
Tis book isnrsquot meant to comfort you but hopefully wake up the
leader inside of you oo many of us have become numb to pain
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RB
and others have been literally paralyzed by it I pray that God
will use the words on these pages like some paddles zapping new
life into your chest Our generation knows pain and connects
with it but many times we never really confront it grow from it
or truly move forwardmdashwe usually just get stuck as we marinate
in it
Growing up in an urban environment I saw a lot of drama
and experienced the painful loss of a few friends However the
dangers tragedy and pain had never penetrated the walls of my
immediate family I was fortunate enough to have a solid family
my parents truly loved God and each other and created a great
home environment for my sister and me Even though there
was all this craziness around us my immediate family always
served as an oasis in the middle of the urban desert I lived and
served inTat all changed on a Tursday night in March of On
this night pain invaded my personal space like never before My
wife and I received a phone call and heard that my father had a
massive brain aneurysm I was in a state of shock How could
this be My father was healthy My father was young He had no
previous health conditions My father was a man of God in min-
istrymdasha pastor for over thirty years A few hours later my wife
and I were on a plane headed to Pittsburgh My father had been
placed in the trauma unit at the cityrsquos largest hospital His con-
dition was critical and he had flatlined a few times which re-
sulted in a coma and life support Te doctors said he probably
would not make itmdashthere were so many complicationsmdashbut I
was praying that God would save his life Te request seemedhopeless
Nehemiahrsquos request seemed hopeless too As he prayed re-
pented and fasted it became more and more personal for him
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Confronting Our Pain
God answered by telling him to leave and go rebuild the citymdasha
seemingly impossible task that would require approval by the
king of the nation that had conquered Nehemiahrsquos people Why
would the king want to send one of his most trusted servants to
go lead a project that he had no interest in In fact the king had
previously ordered that Jerusalem not be rebuilt If the king
denied Nehemiahrsquos request he could have him killed It was an
intense situation but God gave Nehemiah peace
I found myself in that hospital in Pittsburgh going through
the most intense situation of my life We stayed at the hospital
several days Itrsquos hard to sleep in the middle of a crisis and even
more difficult when you are trying to catch some zrsquos in a hospital
waiting room so I spent a lot of time in the chapel those nights
Early one morning around am I was on my face seeking
God when I suddenly felt a peace and knew that everythingwould be okay I felt Godrsquos presence comforting me and it re-
stored my confidence in his ability to do the impossible (when
you are in the middle of a painful experience itrsquos easy to forget
that God can handle it)
Nehemiah prayed that God would grant him favor with the
kingmdashsomething that didnrsquot happen right away it took months
for the right moment to come along Sometimes we act too soon
too late or we donrsquot do anything at all We have to build dis-
cernment from Godrsquos Spirit to know when to make a move Ne-
hemiah was tuned in to know that moment was upon him He
was serving the king some wine when the king noticed that
Nehemiah wasnrsquot himself ldquoSo the king asked me lsquoWhy are
you looking so sad You donrsquot look sick to me You must bedeeply troubledrsquordquo (Nehemiah ) Nehemiah was nervous but
he shared his heart for rebuilding the city of his people He
knew this was the moment when everything weighed in the
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RB
balance Either he could lose his trust his job and maybe even
his life or this confrontation could lead to a rebuilding journey
that would change history Te king asked a few questions
looked over at the queen and decided to grant his request It was
truly a miracle God had granted Nehemiah favor
Te situation with my father has been a difficult one over the
past decade But God did assure me in that hospital chapel that
everything would be okay Although they didnrsquot happen right
away God has done some miracles in my family Tis has been
a rebuilding journey that has changed history for a lot of people
Te doctors said my father would probably not make it and if he
did he would just be a vegetable on life support Tey were
wrong After three months he came out of the coma came off
life support and was able to talk and regain some of his memory
and movement His situationrsquos still a challenge as he is in anursing home facility requiring twenty-four-hour care but he
has come a long way More importantly he is still with us and
God has taught my family a lot through it We didnrsquot turn our
backs on God and run from this With his grace we learned to
confront it walk through it wrestle with it and grow through it
Yes we were crushed through this traumatic experience but
God has rebuilt us even stronger Wersquove learned he is sovereign
and we now have an even deeper trust in him We believe God
can heal my father though that may not be his plan and thatrsquos
okay too
When the Best Day Ever Turns into the Worst Day Ever
My hope lies in the life ahead where wersquoll be permanently re-built where we canrsquot suffer from a stroke or get cancer or have
an aneurism Itrsquos a place where we wonrsquot have to confront pain
or suffer from lossmdashwhere wersquoll be reunited with those wersquove
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Confronting Our Pain
lost Wersquove all lost some people that we deeply care about
friends grandparents parents and even children
In early I had just taken the position as lead pastor at
Crossover Church Honestly I got pushed into it and said yes out
of necessity Te youth ministry I was leading was flourishing
with hundreds coming but there were only a handful of people
attending on Sundays the church was floundering We experi-
enced a lot of change transition uncertainty hope and ex-
citement all at the same time In the midst of all of it my wife
Lucy surprised me one night with a romantic dinner After we
ate she handed me a card with a sonogram picture of our baby
inside I was in tears We had been married over six years and
now were ready to take the next step and become parents
A few weeks after I got this incredible news from my wife I
had a concert in Orlando at the arena that is the home of theMagic As a hip-hop artist I regularly perform and speak at many
events I had my entire team there a DJ some break dancers and
a few other rappers My wife was also planning on coming but
she decided to stay home since she wasnrsquot feeling well and didnrsquot
want to push it Tat night was incredible I had the opportunity
to do a thirty-minute set in front of over thirteen thousand
people Te response was amazing and I was on a spiritual high
We drove home from Orlando to ampa that night and arrived
after am Instead of my wife being fast asleep she was
awake and very sickmdashshe didnrsquot look good Tis night that
started out as one of the best of my life soon turned into one of
the worst Shortly after am I rushed her to the hospital
where we soon found out that we lost our baby Words canrsquotdescribe that feeling words on a page or a screen could never
articulate it
After Lucyrsquos miscarriage the doctors discovered that she had
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RB
a large ovarian cyst that might have caused it A few months
later the cyst grew so large that she would have to have major
surgery to remove it We were still recovering from losing our
child and now we had to sign legal hospital documents with the
understanding that my wife may never be able to have children
It was painful for both of us but we prayed and trusted
On April the doctors removed a cyst the size of a
baseball Te surgery was a huge success and four months later
Lucy was pregnant again Exactly one year later on April
the doctors performed the same incision (C-section) in my
wifersquos lower abdomen but this time they pulled out my daughter
Deyana Irsquove found that God loves to do things like that He lines
up situations and sometimes even dates to show us things We
donrsquot always understand why but he does it for our growth and
for his glory there is purpose in it God has brought healing tomy wife and me and blessed us with two healthy girls
Rebuilding is a process that takes time and intentionality
Wersquove met so many people who have lost an unborn child but
Irsquove never heard a song about this experience so one way I con-
fronted my pain was by writing a song about it Oftentimes
finding an outlet to channel pain in a healthy way can also help
others through theirs Te song was titled ldquoPurposerdquo and re-
leased on my Unorthodox album (You can access this song at
the Noisetrade link on the ldquoAdditional Rebuild Resourcesrdquo page at
the back of this book) As a result of recording the song Irsquove had
countless people share their stories of pain and loss with me What
we do with pain and what we learn from it is vital to our lives
When we rise above its isolating factor pain can connect people
Pain in Our Communities
I witnessed the pain in my city as I hung out on the basketball
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Confronting Our Pain
courts and visited the homes of teens that started coming to our
youth service and the basketball league we sponsored My heart
was grieved because over percent of them didnrsquot have a father
Many of their dads were locked up Some were around occa-
sionally while other teens had never met their dads at all Tis
isnrsquot unique to my city Tere is a male leadership crisis in the
urban community Itrsquos a generational cycle of sin and suffering
as people donrsquot follow Godrsquos instructions
One of the reasons our youth ministry grew to hundreds
was that we had so many male leaders of color that could
connect and relate to the teens we were reaching out to A lot
of our leaders were artists like myself We built our youth min-
istry around sports and the arts as this is what teens are influ-
enced by Each one of our leaders took several teens under
their wings to help rebuild their lives I regularly had teenstelling me they looked up to me as a father figure even though
at the time I was only a few years older than them We had
classes to help build their talent and their walk with Christ
including break dancing classes DJ classes art classes acting
MC (rapping) classes and more All of this was infused with
discipleship and life skills
By the time we entered our sixth year of youth ministry at the
church we were reaching hundreds of teens and young adults at
our Tursday night service Tis was amazing It was an anomaly
But we noticed we were doing a poor job at connecting them and
their families to our church on Sundays Tere was so much pain
and brokenness in our community yet most of these people
werenrsquot attending a church being discipled or receiving toolsand empowerment to help their families become healthier
We knew we had to rebuild the way we did church on Sundays
if we were truly going to meet the needs of our community As
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RB
I became the pastor I had a lot of questions What would that
look like Who else was reaching an audience of young families
in a multiethnic urban environment We couldnrsquot find any
models at the time so we had to carefully and prayerfully begin
the rebuilding process ourselves We looked to God mentors
books and other churches to piece the puzzle together
It would have been much easier to try to attract a crowd that
was more stable and more affluent but thatrsquos not who we were
called to reach Like Nehemiah sometimes God calls us to re-
build people that others have learned to ignore As we followed
Godrsquos lead we watched him blow our minds over the next few
years Soon he brought us to the point where we outgrew our
little facility We were forced to confront our pain as a church
as several of the neighbors rose up against us Tey called the
police and reported us to the city every chance they got Wetried to be courteous We sent letters gift cards met with
some of them and even visited them when they were sick
Some of this helped but ultimately our church was bringing a
lot of noise and traffic into the middle of a residential neigh-
borhood We didnrsquot want to frustrate our neighbors and we
knew that Godrsquos vision of rebuilding our city was much larger
than that location
Nehemiah was unattached to the hurting people within the
crumbling walls of Jerusalem but he was still broken by their
pain and suffering Tere are hurting people all over in our
neighborhood our city our state our country and overseas My
prayer is that God will break our hearts with compassion for
those he calls us to reach Pain and loss has the power to connecthurting people when we allow God to soften our hearts and
work through our suffering Like Nehemiah going before the
king we must trust God with the tough situations in life act in
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Confronting Our Pain
obedience and wait for his timing We must confront our pain
Tat is when our own rebuilding begins to take place Oppo-
sition is bound to come in one form or another and we cannot
always rely on other people to get the job done but even then
God gives us the ability to stay positive trust in him and keep
on building
Building Blocks
bull Your LifemdashIdentify some personal pain that you havenrsquot con-
fronted How has that been affecting you What are the next
steps you need to take to rebuild
bull Your ChurchmdashWhat are some sources of pain in your
church Is there anything that has been causing conflict How
can God use you to bring reconciliation and healing so your
church can be rebuilt even stronger
bull Your WorldmdashWhat is one issue in your city that has been
painful for many people (for example homelessness sex traf-
ficking poverty fatherlessness etc) How can you or your
small group or your church assist people give them hope and
help them rebuild
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InterVarsity Press
PO Box 983089983092983088983088 Downers Grove IL 983094983088983093983089983093-983089983092983090983094
ivpresscom
emailivpresscom
copy983090983088983089983093 by Tommy Kyllonen
All rights reserved No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission
from InterVarsity Press
InterVarsity Pressreg is the book-publishing division of InterVarsity Christian FellowshipUSAreg a
movement of students and faculty active on campus at hundreds of universities colleges and schools
of nursing in the United States of America and a member movement of the International Fellowship
of Evangelical Students For information about local and regional activities visit intervarsityorg
Unless otherwise indicated all Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible New Living
Translation copyright copy983089983097983097983094 983090983088983088983092 983090983088983088983095 983090983088983089983091 Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers
Inc Carol Stream Illinois 983094983088983089983096983096 All rights reserved
While any stories in this book are true some names and identifying information may have been
changed to protect the privacy of individuals
Cover design Cindy Kiple
Interior design Beth McGill
Images copy morkemaniStockphoto
ISBN 983097983095983096-983088-983096983091983088983096-983092983092983092983093-983094 (print)
ISBN 983097983095983096-983088-983096983091983088983096-983097983097983091983096-983096 (digital)
Printed in the United States of America
As a member of the Green Press Initiative InterVarsity Press is committed to protecting the environment and to the responsible use of natural resources To learn
more visit greenpressinitiativeorgLibrary of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Kyllonen Tommy 983089983097983095983091-
Rebuild reset your life renew your church reshape your world Tommy ldquoUrban Drdquo Kyllonen
983089 online resource
Includes bibliographical references
Description based on print version record and CIP data provided by publisher resource not viewed
ISBN 983097983095983096-983088-983096983091983088983096-983097983097983091983096-983096 (eBook)mdashISBN 983097983095983096-983088-983096983091983088983096-983092983092983092983093-983094 (pbk alk paper)
983089 Christian life 983090 Bible NehemiahmdashCriticism interpretation etc I Title
BV983092983093983088983097983093
983090983092983096983092mdashdc983090983091
983090983088983089983093983088983090983091983096983095983090
P 983090983088 983089983097 983089983096 983089983095 983089983094 983089983093 983089983092 983089983091 983089983090 983089983089 983089983088 983097 983096 983095 983094 983093 983092 983091 983090 983089
Y 983091983090 983091983089 983091983088 983090983097 983090983096 983090983095 983090983094 983090983093 983090983092 983090983091 983090983090 983090983089 983090983088 983089983097 983089983096 983089983095 983089983094 983089983093
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Contents
Introduction 983097
983089 Confronting Our Pain 983089983091
983090 Becoming a Humble Beast 983090983095
983091 Learning New Skills 983092983091
983092 No Free Passes 983093983093
983093 Facing Opposition 983094983093
983094 Breathing Room 983096983089
983095 opping Off the Walls 983097983093
983096 Empowering Others 983089983089983093
983097 Rebuilding Movement 983089983091983091
983089983088 New Life New Fam New City 983089983093983093
Acknowledgments 983089983095983092
Additional ReBuild Resoures 983089983095983093
About the Author 983089983095983094
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Introduction
I never knew how hard rebuilding would actually be Tatrsquos why many
people take the route of building something brand new or
buying something brand new
My rebuilding journey started at Crossover Church in Iwas fresh out of Bible college and built an urban youth ministry
at a small church in ampa By the youth ministry grew to
hundreds while the Sunday adult service struggled at around
forty people Several leaders of the church pushed me into
stepping up to become the lead pastor and rebuild the church I
was reluctant to take it on as I was only in my twenties and I was
a hip-hop artist signed to a national record label But my wife
and I felt God calling us to rebuild our church spiritually and
physically We began to make several changes within that first
year We stepped out of the box and did some things that had
never been done before in church Tere were people who said
it would never work It would never grow It would never become
self-sustainable But something amazing began to happen at that
little old rundown church building Fast forward six years and
we had physically rebuilt the entire campus and spiritually re-
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RB
built so many lives we were bursting at the seams
Our young urban church was crazy enough to relocate and
take on a forty-three-thousand-square-foot build-out of a
former oysldquoRrdquoUs building in amparsquos inner city Sounds dif-
ficult but when you add the fact that we undertook this project
in the middle of a recession in one of the hardest hit cities in the
country it seemed virtually impossible God had opened up all
the right doors but soon we realized we were in way over our
heads It was beyond our experience our wisdom and our re-
sources But sometimes this is exactly where God wants you
Tatrsquos when he gets your full attention
Just like our congregation Nehemiah and his people had
some naysayers Tey told him it was impossible to rebuild the
walls of Jerusalem but he did it in just fifty-two days I love Ne-
hemiahrsquos story Itrsquos an epic journey of compassion risk and mir-acles It started many months before the actual fifty-two days
and the ongoing spiritual rebuilding lasted for years after the
builders topped the walls Te thing that especially excites me
about Nehemiahrsquos story is that he didnrsquot have the experience to
lead yet God used him When God rebuilds us he calls all of us
to lead
As you look through Scripture you can regularly see how God
uses the unlikely He uses the underdogs He uses ordinary
people just like you and me to step up and lead things beyond
what wersquod ever dream or imagine Maybe you feel like you are
unworthy and God canrsquot use you because you made too many
mistakes Maybe you feel you donrsquot have enough talent or expe-
rience Maybe you feel like itrsquos too late Irsquom here to tell youotherwise If yoursquove ever experienced any brokenness then you
need to keep reading Tis book is designed to bring out the
rebuilt leader in all of us At the end of each chapter of ReBuild
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Introduction
yoursquoll find questions that will help you think about practical next
steps in rebuilding yourself your church and the world around
you Wersquove also created some free resources on urbandorg for
your small group and your church including videos music cur-
riculum and sermon notes so you can take this rebuilding
journey with others
Rebuilding will stretch you It can wreck you or make you
stronger Rebuilding your life your church and your world will
take you to places you never thought you would go It will reveal
things about you and those around you that you didnrsquot know It
will expose the good the bad and the ugly Te past few years of
my life have been the most difficult but the most exciting re-
warding season Irsquove ever had If you are ready to experience
some supernatural rebuilding then pick up your hammer and
your sword and letrsquos go to work
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one
Confronting Our Pain
Therersquos no time to get defensive
It will cost youmdashthis city of pain can get so expensive
As people we get apprehensive To share our struggle
But push through and find yourself a safe huddle
And donrsquot have spiritual amnesia of all the times
God rescued you from trouble
ldquoC ITY OF PA INrdquomdashURBAN D (AMNES IA E P )
The last time I remember seeing Scott was at my wedding reception
He was one of my closest friends and he drove all the way down
to ampa from Philly to be one of my groomsmen Less than
two months later I received a phone call informing me that he
was killed on the street in front of his house I couldnrsquot wrap my
mind around it I argued with my friend on the phone hoping
that she was mistaken or maybe playing a twisted joke on me
but it was truemdashmy friend was gone A few days later I was on
a plane to Philadelphia to go and pay my respects Te whole
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RB
way there my mind flashed back to all the great memories we
shared as teenagers and young adults Te pain of unexpected
loss was overwhelming
Te next few days were bittersweet as I reconnected with
several people I hadnrsquot seen in years while mourning the death
of one of my closet friends At the time I was fresh out of Bible
college and had just started youth pastoring in ampa Given
that I was in ministry I received lots of questions from my
friends and extended family and all of a sudden I was the coun-
selormdashthough I felt like I needed some counseling myself Tere
were a lot of tears as God broke my heart with compassion for
these people that I had done life with while growing up I saw
their enormous pain and I shared it
Before hearing the devastating news of my friendrsquos death
things in my life were going great I was a newlywed enjoyingmy new life with Lucy in our first real apartment I was on this
new journey as a youth pastor and our youth group had al-
ready grown from four girls to a couple dozen kids in just a few
months On top of that I was enjoying my first winter in
Florida as a permanent resident It felt like I was in paradise
living the dream
Nehemiahrsquos life was great before he received some life-
changing news too He was living in the palacemdashin paradise
living the dream As the royal cupbearer he had access to the
finest of food and wines in the kingdom Ten he got the phone
call Hanani told him about the condition of the Hebrew people
his people and the walls of Jerusalem they had been destroyed
and his people were in great distress It rocked him to his coreand his heart was broken with compassion ldquoWhen I heard this
I sat down and wept In fact for days I mourned fasted and
prayed to the God of heavenrdquo (Nehemiah )
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Confronting Our Pain
Nehemiah was part of the Jewish population that had been
displaced after the Babylonians conquered them Terefore he
was disconnected from what was happening back in Jerusalem
and could have easily gotten over this feeling of compassion for
the people He could have just shed a tear for his people and
returned to life in the palace but God wouldnrsquot let him He was
rebuilt When you are truly rebuilt God regularly takes you out
of your comfort zone as you are called to help others rebuild
I was disconnected from what was happening up in Philly I
hadnrsquot lived there in many years so I could have shed a few tears
made a phone call or two sent a sympathy card and stayed in
Florida But I knew I needed to get uncomfortable go back and
confront my pain
Living in a sin-sick world we are destined to experience
brokenness pain and failures Rebuilding will and must be a partof the maintenance of your soul We have many people we call
family whether they are blood related or not and they have
brokenness flaws and issues just like we do If we really love
them and care about them like we say we do then we must be a
part of helping them rebuild their lives as wellmdashthatrsquos what real
family does No matter what city we live in there will be problems
because people live there and people will always have problems
Rebuilding is hard rebuilding is necessary and sometimes God
has to break us down in order to build something greater
When we have an encounter with the Creator of the universe
and start a relationship with him the Scriptures say we are a new
creation We are rebuilt We still have the same body and still
have gone through the same things but we are rebuilt and re-wired on the inside We are renewed When we experience this
incredible miracle we have a responsibility and a new built-in
compassion to share it with others and see that same renewal
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RB
happen in our family and in our community around us even if
it means getting uncomfortable
Nehemiah confronted his pain and something amazing began
to happenmdashhe prayed and repented
Listen to my prayer Look down and see me praying night
and day for your people Israel I confess that we have
sinned against you Yes even my own family and I have
sinned We have sinned terribly by not obeying the com-
mands decrees and regulations that you gave us through
your servant Moses (Nehemiah -)
Nehemiah made the fall of Jerusalem personal and took respon-
sibility It wasnrsquot his fault that his people went into captivity
seventy years earliermdashhe wasnrsquot even born yet Yet he still took
responsibility for this national sin It was personal and national
We donrsquot really know about that do we Most of us probably
know about individual repentance but when was the last time
we confessed the sins of our family friends church city and
nation We live in a very individualistic society Our culture has
taught us to only worry about ourselves but the Bible says we
are our brotherrsquos keeper
Te death of my close friend caused me to ask for repentance
for my friends and extended family It caused me to ask for re-
pentance for my generation and the urban culture to which I was
connected and called to minister It caused me to ask for per-
sonal repentance
My friendrsquos funeral was a very difficult time for me Tank
God his parentsrsquo pastor officiated the service but being ldquoTeYouth Pastor Guyrdquo I was asked by the family to share some words
on behalf of all of his friends (I was the public speaker of the
crew) It was one of the toughest speeches Irsquove ever made be-
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Confronting Our Pain
cause Irsquom not the type of cat to sugarcoat thingsmdashI just canrsquot Irsquom
tactful but I canrsquot get up there and lie In fact I hate when
preachers get up at funerals and say ldquoWe all know they are in a
better place now rdquo when everyone at the funeral knows they
were far from God Itrsquos not my place to judge my dead friend but
from most things I had seen in his life there didnrsquot seem to be
any real evidence of him following Christ Irsquom pretty sure he had
made some type of commitment to God when we were teen-
agers but it was all kind of fuzzy and I just wasnrsquot sure I couldnrsquot
get up there with confidence and say I knew wersquod see him again
because I was torn conflicted and fearful that I might not In-
stead I stumbled through talking about some memories we
shared and how much wersquod miss him
In my heart I repented for not saying more to my friend Scott
If I had only known that the very last time I would see my friendwas at my wedding reception I would have pulled him aside and
pleaded with him to get right with Christmdashbut I canrsquot turn back
time it doesnrsquot work like that Despite the feeling of regret I had
God used this event in my life as a catalyst When you confront
your pain God can use it to fuel your energy toward your calling
and your future I knew I was called to rebuild the city but this
put a new fire under me It reminded me that I never knew if the
conversation the sermon or the song I shared with someone
would be the last one that they would hear It put a new level of
compassion in me I wasnrsquot called to go back to Philly and re-
build but to go back to this new city where God had planted me
I was on a mission to rebuild it
When Pain Hits Home
Tis book isnrsquot meant to comfort you but hopefully wake up the
leader inside of you oo many of us have become numb to pain
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RB
and others have been literally paralyzed by it I pray that God
will use the words on these pages like some paddles zapping new
life into your chest Our generation knows pain and connects
with it but many times we never really confront it grow from it
or truly move forwardmdashwe usually just get stuck as we marinate
in it
Growing up in an urban environment I saw a lot of drama
and experienced the painful loss of a few friends However the
dangers tragedy and pain had never penetrated the walls of my
immediate family I was fortunate enough to have a solid family
my parents truly loved God and each other and created a great
home environment for my sister and me Even though there
was all this craziness around us my immediate family always
served as an oasis in the middle of the urban desert I lived and
served inTat all changed on a Tursday night in March of On
this night pain invaded my personal space like never before My
wife and I received a phone call and heard that my father had a
massive brain aneurysm I was in a state of shock How could
this be My father was healthy My father was young He had no
previous health conditions My father was a man of God in min-
istrymdasha pastor for over thirty years A few hours later my wife
and I were on a plane headed to Pittsburgh My father had been
placed in the trauma unit at the cityrsquos largest hospital His con-
dition was critical and he had flatlined a few times which re-
sulted in a coma and life support Te doctors said he probably
would not make itmdashthere were so many complicationsmdashbut I
was praying that God would save his life Te request seemedhopeless
Nehemiahrsquos request seemed hopeless too As he prayed re-
pented and fasted it became more and more personal for him
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Confronting Our Pain
God answered by telling him to leave and go rebuild the citymdasha
seemingly impossible task that would require approval by the
king of the nation that had conquered Nehemiahrsquos people Why
would the king want to send one of his most trusted servants to
go lead a project that he had no interest in In fact the king had
previously ordered that Jerusalem not be rebuilt If the king
denied Nehemiahrsquos request he could have him killed It was an
intense situation but God gave Nehemiah peace
I found myself in that hospital in Pittsburgh going through
the most intense situation of my life We stayed at the hospital
several days Itrsquos hard to sleep in the middle of a crisis and even
more difficult when you are trying to catch some zrsquos in a hospital
waiting room so I spent a lot of time in the chapel those nights
Early one morning around am I was on my face seeking
God when I suddenly felt a peace and knew that everythingwould be okay I felt Godrsquos presence comforting me and it re-
stored my confidence in his ability to do the impossible (when
you are in the middle of a painful experience itrsquos easy to forget
that God can handle it)
Nehemiah prayed that God would grant him favor with the
kingmdashsomething that didnrsquot happen right away it took months
for the right moment to come along Sometimes we act too soon
too late or we donrsquot do anything at all We have to build dis-
cernment from Godrsquos Spirit to know when to make a move Ne-
hemiah was tuned in to know that moment was upon him He
was serving the king some wine when the king noticed that
Nehemiah wasnrsquot himself ldquoSo the king asked me lsquoWhy are
you looking so sad You donrsquot look sick to me You must bedeeply troubledrsquordquo (Nehemiah ) Nehemiah was nervous but
he shared his heart for rebuilding the city of his people He
knew this was the moment when everything weighed in the
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RB
balance Either he could lose his trust his job and maybe even
his life or this confrontation could lead to a rebuilding journey
that would change history Te king asked a few questions
looked over at the queen and decided to grant his request It was
truly a miracle God had granted Nehemiah favor
Te situation with my father has been a difficult one over the
past decade But God did assure me in that hospital chapel that
everything would be okay Although they didnrsquot happen right
away God has done some miracles in my family Tis has been
a rebuilding journey that has changed history for a lot of people
Te doctors said my father would probably not make it and if he
did he would just be a vegetable on life support Tey were
wrong After three months he came out of the coma came off
life support and was able to talk and regain some of his memory
and movement His situationrsquos still a challenge as he is in anursing home facility requiring twenty-four-hour care but he
has come a long way More importantly he is still with us and
God has taught my family a lot through it We didnrsquot turn our
backs on God and run from this With his grace we learned to
confront it walk through it wrestle with it and grow through it
Yes we were crushed through this traumatic experience but
God has rebuilt us even stronger Wersquove learned he is sovereign
and we now have an even deeper trust in him We believe God
can heal my father though that may not be his plan and thatrsquos
okay too
When the Best Day Ever Turns into the Worst Day Ever
My hope lies in the life ahead where wersquoll be permanently re-built where we canrsquot suffer from a stroke or get cancer or have
an aneurism Itrsquos a place where we wonrsquot have to confront pain
or suffer from lossmdashwhere wersquoll be reunited with those wersquove
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Confronting Our Pain
lost Wersquove all lost some people that we deeply care about
friends grandparents parents and even children
In early I had just taken the position as lead pastor at
Crossover Church Honestly I got pushed into it and said yes out
of necessity Te youth ministry I was leading was flourishing
with hundreds coming but there were only a handful of people
attending on Sundays the church was floundering We experi-
enced a lot of change transition uncertainty hope and ex-
citement all at the same time In the midst of all of it my wife
Lucy surprised me one night with a romantic dinner After we
ate she handed me a card with a sonogram picture of our baby
inside I was in tears We had been married over six years and
now were ready to take the next step and become parents
A few weeks after I got this incredible news from my wife I
had a concert in Orlando at the arena that is the home of theMagic As a hip-hop artist I regularly perform and speak at many
events I had my entire team there a DJ some break dancers and
a few other rappers My wife was also planning on coming but
she decided to stay home since she wasnrsquot feeling well and didnrsquot
want to push it Tat night was incredible I had the opportunity
to do a thirty-minute set in front of over thirteen thousand
people Te response was amazing and I was on a spiritual high
We drove home from Orlando to ampa that night and arrived
after am Instead of my wife being fast asleep she was
awake and very sickmdashshe didnrsquot look good Tis night that
started out as one of the best of my life soon turned into one of
the worst Shortly after am I rushed her to the hospital
where we soon found out that we lost our baby Words canrsquotdescribe that feeling words on a page or a screen could never
articulate it
After Lucyrsquos miscarriage the doctors discovered that she had
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a large ovarian cyst that might have caused it A few months
later the cyst grew so large that she would have to have major
surgery to remove it We were still recovering from losing our
child and now we had to sign legal hospital documents with the
understanding that my wife may never be able to have children
It was painful for both of us but we prayed and trusted
On April the doctors removed a cyst the size of a
baseball Te surgery was a huge success and four months later
Lucy was pregnant again Exactly one year later on April
the doctors performed the same incision (C-section) in my
wifersquos lower abdomen but this time they pulled out my daughter
Deyana Irsquove found that God loves to do things like that He lines
up situations and sometimes even dates to show us things We
donrsquot always understand why but he does it for our growth and
for his glory there is purpose in it God has brought healing tomy wife and me and blessed us with two healthy girls
Rebuilding is a process that takes time and intentionality
Wersquove met so many people who have lost an unborn child but
Irsquove never heard a song about this experience so one way I con-
fronted my pain was by writing a song about it Oftentimes
finding an outlet to channel pain in a healthy way can also help
others through theirs Te song was titled ldquoPurposerdquo and re-
leased on my Unorthodox album (You can access this song at
the Noisetrade link on the ldquoAdditional Rebuild Resourcesrdquo page at
the back of this book) As a result of recording the song Irsquove had
countless people share their stories of pain and loss with me What
we do with pain and what we learn from it is vital to our lives
When we rise above its isolating factor pain can connect people
Pain in Our Communities
I witnessed the pain in my city as I hung out on the basketball
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Confronting Our Pain
courts and visited the homes of teens that started coming to our
youth service and the basketball league we sponsored My heart
was grieved because over percent of them didnrsquot have a father
Many of their dads were locked up Some were around occa-
sionally while other teens had never met their dads at all Tis
isnrsquot unique to my city Tere is a male leadership crisis in the
urban community Itrsquos a generational cycle of sin and suffering
as people donrsquot follow Godrsquos instructions
One of the reasons our youth ministry grew to hundreds
was that we had so many male leaders of color that could
connect and relate to the teens we were reaching out to A lot
of our leaders were artists like myself We built our youth min-
istry around sports and the arts as this is what teens are influ-
enced by Each one of our leaders took several teens under
their wings to help rebuild their lives I regularly had teenstelling me they looked up to me as a father figure even though
at the time I was only a few years older than them We had
classes to help build their talent and their walk with Christ
including break dancing classes DJ classes art classes acting
MC (rapping) classes and more All of this was infused with
discipleship and life skills
By the time we entered our sixth year of youth ministry at the
church we were reaching hundreds of teens and young adults at
our Tursday night service Tis was amazing It was an anomaly
But we noticed we were doing a poor job at connecting them and
their families to our church on Sundays Tere was so much pain
and brokenness in our community yet most of these people
werenrsquot attending a church being discipled or receiving toolsand empowerment to help their families become healthier
We knew we had to rebuild the way we did church on Sundays
if we were truly going to meet the needs of our community As
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RB
I became the pastor I had a lot of questions What would that
look like Who else was reaching an audience of young families
in a multiethnic urban environment We couldnrsquot find any
models at the time so we had to carefully and prayerfully begin
the rebuilding process ourselves We looked to God mentors
books and other churches to piece the puzzle together
It would have been much easier to try to attract a crowd that
was more stable and more affluent but thatrsquos not who we were
called to reach Like Nehemiah sometimes God calls us to re-
build people that others have learned to ignore As we followed
Godrsquos lead we watched him blow our minds over the next few
years Soon he brought us to the point where we outgrew our
little facility We were forced to confront our pain as a church
as several of the neighbors rose up against us Tey called the
police and reported us to the city every chance they got Wetried to be courteous We sent letters gift cards met with
some of them and even visited them when they were sick
Some of this helped but ultimately our church was bringing a
lot of noise and traffic into the middle of a residential neigh-
borhood We didnrsquot want to frustrate our neighbors and we
knew that Godrsquos vision of rebuilding our city was much larger
than that location
Nehemiah was unattached to the hurting people within the
crumbling walls of Jerusalem but he was still broken by their
pain and suffering Tere are hurting people all over in our
neighborhood our city our state our country and overseas My
prayer is that God will break our hearts with compassion for
those he calls us to reach Pain and loss has the power to connecthurting people when we allow God to soften our hearts and
work through our suffering Like Nehemiah going before the
king we must trust God with the tough situations in life act in
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Confronting Our Pain
obedience and wait for his timing We must confront our pain
Tat is when our own rebuilding begins to take place Oppo-
sition is bound to come in one form or another and we cannot
always rely on other people to get the job done but even then
God gives us the ability to stay positive trust in him and keep
on building
Building Blocks
bull Your LifemdashIdentify some personal pain that you havenrsquot con-
fronted How has that been affecting you What are the next
steps you need to take to rebuild
bull Your ChurchmdashWhat are some sources of pain in your
church Is there anything that has been causing conflict How
can God use you to bring reconciliation and healing so your
church can be rebuilt even stronger
bull Your WorldmdashWhat is one issue in your city that has been
painful for many people (for example homelessness sex traf-
ficking poverty fatherlessness etc) How can you or your
small group or your church assist people give them hope and
help them rebuild
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Contents
Introduction 983097
983089 Confronting Our Pain 983089983091
983090 Becoming a Humble Beast 983090983095
983091 Learning New Skills 983092983091
983092 No Free Passes 983093983093
983093 Facing Opposition 983094983093
983094 Breathing Room 983096983089
983095 opping Off the Walls 983097983093
983096 Empowering Others 983089983089983093
983097 Rebuilding Movement 983089983091983091
983089983088 New Life New Fam New City 983089983093983093
Acknowledgments 983089983095983092
Additional ReBuild Resoures 983089983095983093
About the Author 983089983095983094
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Introduction
I never knew how hard rebuilding would actually be Tatrsquos why many
people take the route of building something brand new or
buying something brand new
My rebuilding journey started at Crossover Church in Iwas fresh out of Bible college and built an urban youth ministry
at a small church in ampa By the youth ministry grew to
hundreds while the Sunday adult service struggled at around
forty people Several leaders of the church pushed me into
stepping up to become the lead pastor and rebuild the church I
was reluctant to take it on as I was only in my twenties and I was
a hip-hop artist signed to a national record label But my wife
and I felt God calling us to rebuild our church spiritually and
physically We began to make several changes within that first
year We stepped out of the box and did some things that had
never been done before in church Tere were people who said
it would never work It would never grow It would never become
self-sustainable But something amazing began to happen at that
little old rundown church building Fast forward six years and
we had physically rebuilt the entire campus and spiritually re-
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built so many lives we were bursting at the seams
Our young urban church was crazy enough to relocate and
take on a forty-three-thousand-square-foot build-out of a
former oysldquoRrdquoUs building in amparsquos inner city Sounds dif-
ficult but when you add the fact that we undertook this project
in the middle of a recession in one of the hardest hit cities in the
country it seemed virtually impossible God had opened up all
the right doors but soon we realized we were in way over our
heads It was beyond our experience our wisdom and our re-
sources But sometimes this is exactly where God wants you
Tatrsquos when he gets your full attention
Just like our congregation Nehemiah and his people had
some naysayers Tey told him it was impossible to rebuild the
walls of Jerusalem but he did it in just fifty-two days I love Ne-
hemiahrsquos story Itrsquos an epic journey of compassion risk and mir-acles It started many months before the actual fifty-two days
and the ongoing spiritual rebuilding lasted for years after the
builders topped the walls Te thing that especially excites me
about Nehemiahrsquos story is that he didnrsquot have the experience to
lead yet God used him When God rebuilds us he calls all of us
to lead
As you look through Scripture you can regularly see how God
uses the unlikely He uses the underdogs He uses ordinary
people just like you and me to step up and lead things beyond
what wersquod ever dream or imagine Maybe you feel like you are
unworthy and God canrsquot use you because you made too many
mistakes Maybe you feel you donrsquot have enough talent or expe-
rience Maybe you feel like itrsquos too late Irsquom here to tell youotherwise If yoursquove ever experienced any brokenness then you
need to keep reading Tis book is designed to bring out the
rebuilt leader in all of us At the end of each chapter of ReBuild
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Introduction
yoursquoll find questions that will help you think about practical next
steps in rebuilding yourself your church and the world around
you Wersquove also created some free resources on urbandorg for
your small group and your church including videos music cur-
riculum and sermon notes so you can take this rebuilding
journey with others
Rebuilding will stretch you It can wreck you or make you
stronger Rebuilding your life your church and your world will
take you to places you never thought you would go It will reveal
things about you and those around you that you didnrsquot know It
will expose the good the bad and the ugly Te past few years of
my life have been the most difficult but the most exciting re-
warding season Irsquove ever had If you are ready to experience
some supernatural rebuilding then pick up your hammer and
your sword and letrsquos go to work
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one
Confronting Our Pain
Therersquos no time to get defensive
It will cost youmdashthis city of pain can get so expensive
As people we get apprehensive To share our struggle
But push through and find yourself a safe huddle
And donrsquot have spiritual amnesia of all the times
God rescued you from trouble
ldquoC ITY OF PA INrdquomdashURBAN D (AMNES IA E P )
The last time I remember seeing Scott was at my wedding reception
He was one of my closest friends and he drove all the way down
to ampa from Philly to be one of my groomsmen Less than
two months later I received a phone call informing me that he
was killed on the street in front of his house I couldnrsquot wrap my
mind around it I argued with my friend on the phone hoping
that she was mistaken or maybe playing a twisted joke on me
but it was truemdashmy friend was gone A few days later I was on
a plane to Philadelphia to go and pay my respects Te whole
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RB
way there my mind flashed back to all the great memories we
shared as teenagers and young adults Te pain of unexpected
loss was overwhelming
Te next few days were bittersweet as I reconnected with
several people I hadnrsquot seen in years while mourning the death
of one of my closet friends At the time I was fresh out of Bible
college and had just started youth pastoring in ampa Given
that I was in ministry I received lots of questions from my
friends and extended family and all of a sudden I was the coun-
selormdashthough I felt like I needed some counseling myself Tere
were a lot of tears as God broke my heart with compassion for
these people that I had done life with while growing up I saw
their enormous pain and I shared it
Before hearing the devastating news of my friendrsquos death
things in my life were going great I was a newlywed enjoyingmy new life with Lucy in our first real apartment I was on this
new journey as a youth pastor and our youth group had al-
ready grown from four girls to a couple dozen kids in just a few
months On top of that I was enjoying my first winter in
Florida as a permanent resident It felt like I was in paradise
living the dream
Nehemiahrsquos life was great before he received some life-
changing news too He was living in the palacemdashin paradise
living the dream As the royal cupbearer he had access to the
finest of food and wines in the kingdom Ten he got the phone
call Hanani told him about the condition of the Hebrew people
his people and the walls of Jerusalem they had been destroyed
and his people were in great distress It rocked him to his coreand his heart was broken with compassion ldquoWhen I heard this
I sat down and wept In fact for days I mourned fasted and
prayed to the God of heavenrdquo (Nehemiah )
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Confronting Our Pain
Nehemiah was part of the Jewish population that had been
displaced after the Babylonians conquered them Terefore he
was disconnected from what was happening back in Jerusalem
and could have easily gotten over this feeling of compassion for
the people He could have just shed a tear for his people and
returned to life in the palace but God wouldnrsquot let him He was
rebuilt When you are truly rebuilt God regularly takes you out
of your comfort zone as you are called to help others rebuild
I was disconnected from what was happening up in Philly I
hadnrsquot lived there in many years so I could have shed a few tears
made a phone call or two sent a sympathy card and stayed in
Florida But I knew I needed to get uncomfortable go back and
confront my pain
Living in a sin-sick world we are destined to experience
brokenness pain and failures Rebuilding will and must be a partof the maintenance of your soul We have many people we call
family whether they are blood related or not and they have
brokenness flaws and issues just like we do If we really love
them and care about them like we say we do then we must be a
part of helping them rebuild their lives as wellmdashthatrsquos what real
family does No matter what city we live in there will be problems
because people live there and people will always have problems
Rebuilding is hard rebuilding is necessary and sometimes God
has to break us down in order to build something greater
When we have an encounter with the Creator of the universe
and start a relationship with him the Scriptures say we are a new
creation We are rebuilt We still have the same body and still
have gone through the same things but we are rebuilt and re-wired on the inside We are renewed When we experience this
incredible miracle we have a responsibility and a new built-in
compassion to share it with others and see that same renewal
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RB
happen in our family and in our community around us even if
it means getting uncomfortable
Nehemiah confronted his pain and something amazing began
to happenmdashhe prayed and repented
Listen to my prayer Look down and see me praying night
and day for your people Israel I confess that we have
sinned against you Yes even my own family and I have
sinned We have sinned terribly by not obeying the com-
mands decrees and regulations that you gave us through
your servant Moses (Nehemiah -)
Nehemiah made the fall of Jerusalem personal and took respon-
sibility It wasnrsquot his fault that his people went into captivity
seventy years earliermdashhe wasnrsquot even born yet Yet he still took
responsibility for this national sin It was personal and national
We donrsquot really know about that do we Most of us probably
know about individual repentance but when was the last time
we confessed the sins of our family friends church city and
nation We live in a very individualistic society Our culture has
taught us to only worry about ourselves but the Bible says we
are our brotherrsquos keeper
Te death of my close friend caused me to ask for repentance
for my friends and extended family It caused me to ask for re-
pentance for my generation and the urban culture to which I was
connected and called to minister It caused me to ask for per-
sonal repentance
My friendrsquos funeral was a very difficult time for me Tank
God his parentsrsquo pastor officiated the service but being ldquoTeYouth Pastor Guyrdquo I was asked by the family to share some words
on behalf of all of his friends (I was the public speaker of the
crew) It was one of the toughest speeches Irsquove ever made be-
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Confronting Our Pain
cause Irsquom not the type of cat to sugarcoat thingsmdashI just canrsquot Irsquom
tactful but I canrsquot get up there and lie In fact I hate when
preachers get up at funerals and say ldquoWe all know they are in a
better place now rdquo when everyone at the funeral knows they
were far from God Itrsquos not my place to judge my dead friend but
from most things I had seen in his life there didnrsquot seem to be
any real evidence of him following Christ Irsquom pretty sure he had
made some type of commitment to God when we were teen-
agers but it was all kind of fuzzy and I just wasnrsquot sure I couldnrsquot
get up there with confidence and say I knew wersquod see him again
because I was torn conflicted and fearful that I might not In-
stead I stumbled through talking about some memories we
shared and how much wersquod miss him
In my heart I repented for not saying more to my friend Scott
If I had only known that the very last time I would see my friendwas at my wedding reception I would have pulled him aside and
pleaded with him to get right with Christmdashbut I canrsquot turn back
time it doesnrsquot work like that Despite the feeling of regret I had
God used this event in my life as a catalyst When you confront
your pain God can use it to fuel your energy toward your calling
and your future I knew I was called to rebuild the city but this
put a new fire under me It reminded me that I never knew if the
conversation the sermon or the song I shared with someone
would be the last one that they would hear It put a new level of
compassion in me I wasnrsquot called to go back to Philly and re-
build but to go back to this new city where God had planted me
I was on a mission to rebuild it
When Pain Hits Home
Tis book isnrsquot meant to comfort you but hopefully wake up the
leader inside of you oo many of us have become numb to pain
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RB
and others have been literally paralyzed by it I pray that God
will use the words on these pages like some paddles zapping new
life into your chest Our generation knows pain and connects
with it but many times we never really confront it grow from it
or truly move forwardmdashwe usually just get stuck as we marinate
in it
Growing up in an urban environment I saw a lot of drama
and experienced the painful loss of a few friends However the
dangers tragedy and pain had never penetrated the walls of my
immediate family I was fortunate enough to have a solid family
my parents truly loved God and each other and created a great
home environment for my sister and me Even though there
was all this craziness around us my immediate family always
served as an oasis in the middle of the urban desert I lived and
served inTat all changed on a Tursday night in March of On
this night pain invaded my personal space like never before My
wife and I received a phone call and heard that my father had a
massive brain aneurysm I was in a state of shock How could
this be My father was healthy My father was young He had no
previous health conditions My father was a man of God in min-
istrymdasha pastor for over thirty years A few hours later my wife
and I were on a plane headed to Pittsburgh My father had been
placed in the trauma unit at the cityrsquos largest hospital His con-
dition was critical and he had flatlined a few times which re-
sulted in a coma and life support Te doctors said he probably
would not make itmdashthere were so many complicationsmdashbut I
was praying that God would save his life Te request seemedhopeless
Nehemiahrsquos request seemed hopeless too As he prayed re-
pented and fasted it became more and more personal for him
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Confronting Our Pain
God answered by telling him to leave and go rebuild the citymdasha
seemingly impossible task that would require approval by the
king of the nation that had conquered Nehemiahrsquos people Why
would the king want to send one of his most trusted servants to
go lead a project that he had no interest in In fact the king had
previously ordered that Jerusalem not be rebuilt If the king
denied Nehemiahrsquos request he could have him killed It was an
intense situation but God gave Nehemiah peace
I found myself in that hospital in Pittsburgh going through
the most intense situation of my life We stayed at the hospital
several days Itrsquos hard to sleep in the middle of a crisis and even
more difficult when you are trying to catch some zrsquos in a hospital
waiting room so I spent a lot of time in the chapel those nights
Early one morning around am I was on my face seeking
God when I suddenly felt a peace and knew that everythingwould be okay I felt Godrsquos presence comforting me and it re-
stored my confidence in his ability to do the impossible (when
you are in the middle of a painful experience itrsquos easy to forget
that God can handle it)
Nehemiah prayed that God would grant him favor with the
kingmdashsomething that didnrsquot happen right away it took months
for the right moment to come along Sometimes we act too soon
too late or we donrsquot do anything at all We have to build dis-
cernment from Godrsquos Spirit to know when to make a move Ne-
hemiah was tuned in to know that moment was upon him He
was serving the king some wine when the king noticed that
Nehemiah wasnrsquot himself ldquoSo the king asked me lsquoWhy are
you looking so sad You donrsquot look sick to me You must bedeeply troubledrsquordquo (Nehemiah ) Nehemiah was nervous but
he shared his heart for rebuilding the city of his people He
knew this was the moment when everything weighed in the
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RB
balance Either he could lose his trust his job and maybe even
his life or this confrontation could lead to a rebuilding journey
that would change history Te king asked a few questions
looked over at the queen and decided to grant his request It was
truly a miracle God had granted Nehemiah favor
Te situation with my father has been a difficult one over the
past decade But God did assure me in that hospital chapel that
everything would be okay Although they didnrsquot happen right
away God has done some miracles in my family Tis has been
a rebuilding journey that has changed history for a lot of people
Te doctors said my father would probably not make it and if he
did he would just be a vegetable on life support Tey were
wrong After three months he came out of the coma came off
life support and was able to talk and regain some of his memory
and movement His situationrsquos still a challenge as he is in anursing home facility requiring twenty-four-hour care but he
has come a long way More importantly he is still with us and
God has taught my family a lot through it We didnrsquot turn our
backs on God and run from this With his grace we learned to
confront it walk through it wrestle with it and grow through it
Yes we were crushed through this traumatic experience but
God has rebuilt us even stronger Wersquove learned he is sovereign
and we now have an even deeper trust in him We believe God
can heal my father though that may not be his plan and thatrsquos
okay too
When the Best Day Ever Turns into the Worst Day Ever
My hope lies in the life ahead where wersquoll be permanently re-built where we canrsquot suffer from a stroke or get cancer or have
an aneurism Itrsquos a place where we wonrsquot have to confront pain
or suffer from lossmdashwhere wersquoll be reunited with those wersquove
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Confronting Our Pain
lost Wersquove all lost some people that we deeply care about
friends grandparents parents and even children
In early I had just taken the position as lead pastor at
Crossover Church Honestly I got pushed into it and said yes out
of necessity Te youth ministry I was leading was flourishing
with hundreds coming but there were only a handful of people
attending on Sundays the church was floundering We experi-
enced a lot of change transition uncertainty hope and ex-
citement all at the same time In the midst of all of it my wife
Lucy surprised me one night with a romantic dinner After we
ate she handed me a card with a sonogram picture of our baby
inside I was in tears We had been married over six years and
now were ready to take the next step and become parents
A few weeks after I got this incredible news from my wife I
had a concert in Orlando at the arena that is the home of theMagic As a hip-hop artist I regularly perform and speak at many
events I had my entire team there a DJ some break dancers and
a few other rappers My wife was also planning on coming but
she decided to stay home since she wasnrsquot feeling well and didnrsquot
want to push it Tat night was incredible I had the opportunity
to do a thirty-minute set in front of over thirteen thousand
people Te response was amazing and I was on a spiritual high
We drove home from Orlando to ampa that night and arrived
after am Instead of my wife being fast asleep she was
awake and very sickmdashshe didnrsquot look good Tis night that
started out as one of the best of my life soon turned into one of
the worst Shortly after am I rushed her to the hospital
where we soon found out that we lost our baby Words canrsquotdescribe that feeling words on a page or a screen could never
articulate it
After Lucyrsquos miscarriage the doctors discovered that she had
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a large ovarian cyst that might have caused it A few months
later the cyst grew so large that she would have to have major
surgery to remove it We were still recovering from losing our
child and now we had to sign legal hospital documents with the
understanding that my wife may never be able to have children
It was painful for both of us but we prayed and trusted
On April the doctors removed a cyst the size of a
baseball Te surgery was a huge success and four months later
Lucy was pregnant again Exactly one year later on April
the doctors performed the same incision (C-section) in my
wifersquos lower abdomen but this time they pulled out my daughter
Deyana Irsquove found that God loves to do things like that He lines
up situations and sometimes even dates to show us things We
donrsquot always understand why but he does it for our growth and
for his glory there is purpose in it God has brought healing tomy wife and me and blessed us with two healthy girls
Rebuilding is a process that takes time and intentionality
Wersquove met so many people who have lost an unborn child but
Irsquove never heard a song about this experience so one way I con-
fronted my pain was by writing a song about it Oftentimes
finding an outlet to channel pain in a healthy way can also help
others through theirs Te song was titled ldquoPurposerdquo and re-
leased on my Unorthodox album (You can access this song at
the Noisetrade link on the ldquoAdditional Rebuild Resourcesrdquo page at
the back of this book) As a result of recording the song Irsquove had
countless people share their stories of pain and loss with me What
we do with pain and what we learn from it is vital to our lives
When we rise above its isolating factor pain can connect people
Pain in Our Communities
I witnessed the pain in my city as I hung out on the basketball
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Confronting Our Pain
courts and visited the homes of teens that started coming to our
youth service and the basketball league we sponsored My heart
was grieved because over percent of them didnrsquot have a father
Many of their dads were locked up Some were around occa-
sionally while other teens had never met their dads at all Tis
isnrsquot unique to my city Tere is a male leadership crisis in the
urban community Itrsquos a generational cycle of sin and suffering
as people donrsquot follow Godrsquos instructions
One of the reasons our youth ministry grew to hundreds
was that we had so many male leaders of color that could
connect and relate to the teens we were reaching out to A lot
of our leaders were artists like myself We built our youth min-
istry around sports and the arts as this is what teens are influ-
enced by Each one of our leaders took several teens under
their wings to help rebuild their lives I regularly had teenstelling me they looked up to me as a father figure even though
at the time I was only a few years older than them We had
classes to help build their talent and their walk with Christ
including break dancing classes DJ classes art classes acting
MC (rapping) classes and more All of this was infused with
discipleship and life skills
By the time we entered our sixth year of youth ministry at the
church we were reaching hundreds of teens and young adults at
our Tursday night service Tis was amazing It was an anomaly
But we noticed we were doing a poor job at connecting them and
their families to our church on Sundays Tere was so much pain
and brokenness in our community yet most of these people
werenrsquot attending a church being discipled or receiving toolsand empowerment to help their families become healthier
We knew we had to rebuild the way we did church on Sundays
if we were truly going to meet the needs of our community As
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RB
I became the pastor I had a lot of questions What would that
look like Who else was reaching an audience of young families
in a multiethnic urban environment We couldnrsquot find any
models at the time so we had to carefully and prayerfully begin
the rebuilding process ourselves We looked to God mentors
books and other churches to piece the puzzle together
It would have been much easier to try to attract a crowd that
was more stable and more affluent but thatrsquos not who we were
called to reach Like Nehemiah sometimes God calls us to re-
build people that others have learned to ignore As we followed
Godrsquos lead we watched him blow our minds over the next few
years Soon he brought us to the point where we outgrew our
little facility We were forced to confront our pain as a church
as several of the neighbors rose up against us Tey called the
police and reported us to the city every chance they got Wetried to be courteous We sent letters gift cards met with
some of them and even visited them when they were sick
Some of this helped but ultimately our church was bringing a
lot of noise and traffic into the middle of a residential neigh-
borhood We didnrsquot want to frustrate our neighbors and we
knew that Godrsquos vision of rebuilding our city was much larger
than that location
Nehemiah was unattached to the hurting people within the
crumbling walls of Jerusalem but he was still broken by their
pain and suffering Tere are hurting people all over in our
neighborhood our city our state our country and overseas My
prayer is that God will break our hearts with compassion for
those he calls us to reach Pain and loss has the power to connecthurting people when we allow God to soften our hearts and
work through our suffering Like Nehemiah going before the
king we must trust God with the tough situations in life act in
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Confronting Our Pain
obedience and wait for his timing We must confront our pain
Tat is when our own rebuilding begins to take place Oppo-
sition is bound to come in one form or another and we cannot
always rely on other people to get the job done but even then
God gives us the ability to stay positive trust in him and keep
on building
Building Blocks
bull Your LifemdashIdentify some personal pain that you havenrsquot con-
fronted How has that been affecting you What are the next
steps you need to take to rebuild
bull Your ChurchmdashWhat are some sources of pain in your
church Is there anything that has been causing conflict How
can God use you to bring reconciliation and healing so your
church can be rebuilt even stronger
bull Your WorldmdashWhat is one issue in your city that has been
painful for many people (for example homelessness sex traf-
ficking poverty fatherlessness etc) How can you or your
small group or your church assist people give them hope and
help them rebuild
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Introduction
I never knew how hard rebuilding would actually be Tatrsquos why many
people take the route of building something brand new or
buying something brand new
My rebuilding journey started at Crossover Church in Iwas fresh out of Bible college and built an urban youth ministry
at a small church in ampa By the youth ministry grew to
hundreds while the Sunday adult service struggled at around
forty people Several leaders of the church pushed me into
stepping up to become the lead pastor and rebuild the church I
was reluctant to take it on as I was only in my twenties and I was
a hip-hop artist signed to a national record label But my wife
and I felt God calling us to rebuild our church spiritually and
physically We began to make several changes within that first
year We stepped out of the box and did some things that had
never been done before in church Tere were people who said
it would never work It would never grow It would never become
self-sustainable But something amazing began to happen at that
little old rundown church building Fast forward six years and
we had physically rebuilt the entire campus and spiritually re-
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built so many lives we were bursting at the seams
Our young urban church was crazy enough to relocate and
take on a forty-three-thousand-square-foot build-out of a
former oysldquoRrdquoUs building in amparsquos inner city Sounds dif-
ficult but when you add the fact that we undertook this project
in the middle of a recession in one of the hardest hit cities in the
country it seemed virtually impossible God had opened up all
the right doors but soon we realized we were in way over our
heads It was beyond our experience our wisdom and our re-
sources But sometimes this is exactly where God wants you
Tatrsquos when he gets your full attention
Just like our congregation Nehemiah and his people had
some naysayers Tey told him it was impossible to rebuild the
walls of Jerusalem but he did it in just fifty-two days I love Ne-
hemiahrsquos story Itrsquos an epic journey of compassion risk and mir-acles It started many months before the actual fifty-two days
and the ongoing spiritual rebuilding lasted for years after the
builders topped the walls Te thing that especially excites me
about Nehemiahrsquos story is that he didnrsquot have the experience to
lead yet God used him When God rebuilds us he calls all of us
to lead
As you look through Scripture you can regularly see how God
uses the unlikely He uses the underdogs He uses ordinary
people just like you and me to step up and lead things beyond
what wersquod ever dream or imagine Maybe you feel like you are
unworthy and God canrsquot use you because you made too many
mistakes Maybe you feel you donrsquot have enough talent or expe-
rience Maybe you feel like itrsquos too late Irsquom here to tell youotherwise If yoursquove ever experienced any brokenness then you
need to keep reading Tis book is designed to bring out the
rebuilt leader in all of us At the end of each chapter of ReBuild
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Introduction
yoursquoll find questions that will help you think about practical next
steps in rebuilding yourself your church and the world around
you Wersquove also created some free resources on urbandorg for
your small group and your church including videos music cur-
riculum and sermon notes so you can take this rebuilding
journey with others
Rebuilding will stretch you It can wreck you or make you
stronger Rebuilding your life your church and your world will
take you to places you never thought you would go It will reveal
things about you and those around you that you didnrsquot know It
will expose the good the bad and the ugly Te past few years of
my life have been the most difficult but the most exciting re-
warding season Irsquove ever had If you are ready to experience
some supernatural rebuilding then pick up your hammer and
your sword and letrsquos go to work
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one
Confronting Our Pain
Therersquos no time to get defensive
It will cost youmdashthis city of pain can get so expensive
As people we get apprehensive To share our struggle
But push through and find yourself a safe huddle
And donrsquot have spiritual amnesia of all the times
God rescued you from trouble
ldquoC ITY OF PA INrdquomdashURBAN D (AMNES IA E P )
The last time I remember seeing Scott was at my wedding reception
He was one of my closest friends and he drove all the way down
to ampa from Philly to be one of my groomsmen Less than
two months later I received a phone call informing me that he
was killed on the street in front of his house I couldnrsquot wrap my
mind around it I argued with my friend on the phone hoping
that she was mistaken or maybe playing a twisted joke on me
but it was truemdashmy friend was gone A few days later I was on
a plane to Philadelphia to go and pay my respects Te whole
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RB
way there my mind flashed back to all the great memories we
shared as teenagers and young adults Te pain of unexpected
loss was overwhelming
Te next few days were bittersweet as I reconnected with
several people I hadnrsquot seen in years while mourning the death
of one of my closet friends At the time I was fresh out of Bible
college and had just started youth pastoring in ampa Given
that I was in ministry I received lots of questions from my
friends and extended family and all of a sudden I was the coun-
selormdashthough I felt like I needed some counseling myself Tere
were a lot of tears as God broke my heart with compassion for
these people that I had done life with while growing up I saw
their enormous pain and I shared it
Before hearing the devastating news of my friendrsquos death
things in my life were going great I was a newlywed enjoyingmy new life with Lucy in our first real apartment I was on this
new journey as a youth pastor and our youth group had al-
ready grown from four girls to a couple dozen kids in just a few
months On top of that I was enjoying my first winter in
Florida as a permanent resident It felt like I was in paradise
living the dream
Nehemiahrsquos life was great before he received some life-
changing news too He was living in the palacemdashin paradise
living the dream As the royal cupbearer he had access to the
finest of food and wines in the kingdom Ten he got the phone
call Hanani told him about the condition of the Hebrew people
his people and the walls of Jerusalem they had been destroyed
and his people were in great distress It rocked him to his coreand his heart was broken with compassion ldquoWhen I heard this
I sat down and wept In fact for days I mourned fasted and
prayed to the God of heavenrdquo (Nehemiah )
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Confronting Our Pain
Nehemiah was part of the Jewish population that had been
displaced after the Babylonians conquered them Terefore he
was disconnected from what was happening back in Jerusalem
and could have easily gotten over this feeling of compassion for
the people He could have just shed a tear for his people and
returned to life in the palace but God wouldnrsquot let him He was
rebuilt When you are truly rebuilt God regularly takes you out
of your comfort zone as you are called to help others rebuild
I was disconnected from what was happening up in Philly I
hadnrsquot lived there in many years so I could have shed a few tears
made a phone call or two sent a sympathy card and stayed in
Florida But I knew I needed to get uncomfortable go back and
confront my pain
Living in a sin-sick world we are destined to experience
brokenness pain and failures Rebuilding will and must be a partof the maintenance of your soul We have many people we call
family whether they are blood related or not and they have
brokenness flaws and issues just like we do If we really love
them and care about them like we say we do then we must be a
part of helping them rebuild their lives as wellmdashthatrsquos what real
family does No matter what city we live in there will be problems
because people live there and people will always have problems
Rebuilding is hard rebuilding is necessary and sometimes God
has to break us down in order to build something greater
When we have an encounter with the Creator of the universe
and start a relationship with him the Scriptures say we are a new
creation We are rebuilt We still have the same body and still
have gone through the same things but we are rebuilt and re-wired on the inside We are renewed When we experience this
incredible miracle we have a responsibility and a new built-in
compassion to share it with others and see that same renewal
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RB
happen in our family and in our community around us even if
it means getting uncomfortable
Nehemiah confronted his pain and something amazing began
to happenmdashhe prayed and repented
Listen to my prayer Look down and see me praying night
and day for your people Israel I confess that we have
sinned against you Yes even my own family and I have
sinned We have sinned terribly by not obeying the com-
mands decrees and regulations that you gave us through
your servant Moses (Nehemiah -)
Nehemiah made the fall of Jerusalem personal and took respon-
sibility It wasnrsquot his fault that his people went into captivity
seventy years earliermdashhe wasnrsquot even born yet Yet he still took
responsibility for this national sin It was personal and national
We donrsquot really know about that do we Most of us probably
know about individual repentance but when was the last time
we confessed the sins of our family friends church city and
nation We live in a very individualistic society Our culture has
taught us to only worry about ourselves but the Bible says we
are our brotherrsquos keeper
Te death of my close friend caused me to ask for repentance
for my friends and extended family It caused me to ask for re-
pentance for my generation and the urban culture to which I was
connected and called to minister It caused me to ask for per-
sonal repentance
My friendrsquos funeral was a very difficult time for me Tank
God his parentsrsquo pastor officiated the service but being ldquoTeYouth Pastor Guyrdquo I was asked by the family to share some words
on behalf of all of his friends (I was the public speaker of the
crew) It was one of the toughest speeches Irsquove ever made be-
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Confronting Our Pain
cause Irsquom not the type of cat to sugarcoat thingsmdashI just canrsquot Irsquom
tactful but I canrsquot get up there and lie In fact I hate when
preachers get up at funerals and say ldquoWe all know they are in a
better place now rdquo when everyone at the funeral knows they
were far from God Itrsquos not my place to judge my dead friend but
from most things I had seen in his life there didnrsquot seem to be
any real evidence of him following Christ Irsquom pretty sure he had
made some type of commitment to God when we were teen-
agers but it was all kind of fuzzy and I just wasnrsquot sure I couldnrsquot
get up there with confidence and say I knew wersquod see him again
because I was torn conflicted and fearful that I might not In-
stead I stumbled through talking about some memories we
shared and how much wersquod miss him
In my heart I repented for not saying more to my friend Scott
If I had only known that the very last time I would see my friendwas at my wedding reception I would have pulled him aside and
pleaded with him to get right with Christmdashbut I canrsquot turn back
time it doesnrsquot work like that Despite the feeling of regret I had
God used this event in my life as a catalyst When you confront
your pain God can use it to fuel your energy toward your calling
and your future I knew I was called to rebuild the city but this
put a new fire under me It reminded me that I never knew if the
conversation the sermon or the song I shared with someone
would be the last one that they would hear It put a new level of
compassion in me I wasnrsquot called to go back to Philly and re-
build but to go back to this new city where God had planted me
I was on a mission to rebuild it
When Pain Hits Home
Tis book isnrsquot meant to comfort you but hopefully wake up the
leader inside of you oo many of us have become numb to pain
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RB
and others have been literally paralyzed by it I pray that God
will use the words on these pages like some paddles zapping new
life into your chest Our generation knows pain and connects
with it but many times we never really confront it grow from it
or truly move forwardmdashwe usually just get stuck as we marinate
in it
Growing up in an urban environment I saw a lot of drama
and experienced the painful loss of a few friends However the
dangers tragedy and pain had never penetrated the walls of my
immediate family I was fortunate enough to have a solid family
my parents truly loved God and each other and created a great
home environment for my sister and me Even though there
was all this craziness around us my immediate family always
served as an oasis in the middle of the urban desert I lived and
served inTat all changed on a Tursday night in March of On
this night pain invaded my personal space like never before My
wife and I received a phone call and heard that my father had a
massive brain aneurysm I was in a state of shock How could
this be My father was healthy My father was young He had no
previous health conditions My father was a man of God in min-
istrymdasha pastor for over thirty years A few hours later my wife
and I were on a plane headed to Pittsburgh My father had been
placed in the trauma unit at the cityrsquos largest hospital His con-
dition was critical and he had flatlined a few times which re-
sulted in a coma and life support Te doctors said he probably
would not make itmdashthere were so many complicationsmdashbut I
was praying that God would save his life Te request seemedhopeless
Nehemiahrsquos request seemed hopeless too As he prayed re-
pented and fasted it became more and more personal for him
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Confronting Our Pain
God answered by telling him to leave and go rebuild the citymdasha
seemingly impossible task that would require approval by the
king of the nation that had conquered Nehemiahrsquos people Why
would the king want to send one of his most trusted servants to
go lead a project that he had no interest in In fact the king had
previously ordered that Jerusalem not be rebuilt If the king
denied Nehemiahrsquos request he could have him killed It was an
intense situation but God gave Nehemiah peace
I found myself in that hospital in Pittsburgh going through
the most intense situation of my life We stayed at the hospital
several days Itrsquos hard to sleep in the middle of a crisis and even
more difficult when you are trying to catch some zrsquos in a hospital
waiting room so I spent a lot of time in the chapel those nights
Early one morning around am I was on my face seeking
God when I suddenly felt a peace and knew that everythingwould be okay I felt Godrsquos presence comforting me and it re-
stored my confidence in his ability to do the impossible (when
you are in the middle of a painful experience itrsquos easy to forget
that God can handle it)
Nehemiah prayed that God would grant him favor with the
kingmdashsomething that didnrsquot happen right away it took months
for the right moment to come along Sometimes we act too soon
too late or we donrsquot do anything at all We have to build dis-
cernment from Godrsquos Spirit to know when to make a move Ne-
hemiah was tuned in to know that moment was upon him He
was serving the king some wine when the king noticed that
Nehemiah wasnrsquot himself ldquoSo the king asked me lsquoWhy are
you looking so sad You donrsquot look sick to me You must bedeeply troubledrsquordquo (Nehemiah ) Nehemiah was nervous but
he shared his heart for rebuilding the city of his people He
knew this was the moment when everything weighed in the
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RB
balance Either he could lose his trust his job and maybe even
his life or this confrontation could lead to a rebuilding journey
that would change history Te king asked a few questions
looked over at the queen and decided to grant his request It was
truly a miracle God had granted Nehemiah favor
Te situation with my father has been a difficult one over the
past decade But God did assure me in that hospital chapel that
everything would be okay Although they didnrsquot happen right
away God has done some miracles in my family Tis has been
a rebuilding journey that has changed history for a lot of people
Te doctors said my father would probably not make it and if he
did he would just be a vegetable on life support Tey were
wrong After three months he came out of the coma came off
life support and was able to talk and regain some of his memory
and movement His situationrsquos still a challenge as he is in anursing home facility requiring twenty-four-hour care but he
has come a long way More importantly he is still with us and
God has taught my family a lot through it We didnrsquot turn our
backs on God and run from this With his grace we learned to
confront it walk through it wrestle with it and grow through it
Yes we were crushed through this traumatic experience but
God has rebuilt us even stronger Wersquove learned he is sovereign
and we now have an even deeper trust in him We believe God
can heal my father though that may not be his plan and thatrsquos
okay too
When the Best Day Ever Turns into the Worst Day Ever
My hope lies in the life ahead where wersquoll be permanently re-built where we canrsquot suffer from a stroke or get cancer or have
an aneurism Itrsquos a place where we wonrsquot have to confront pain
or suffer from lossmdashwhere wersquoll be reunited with those wersquove
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Confronting Our Pain
lost Wersquove all lost some people that we deeply care about
friends grandparents parents and even children
In early I had just taken the position as lead pastor at
Crossover Church Honestly I got pushed into it and said yes out
of necessity Te youth ministry I was leading was flourishing
with hundreds coming but there were only a handful of people
attending on Sundays the church was floundering We experi-
enced a lot of change transition uncertainty hope and ex-
citement all at the same time In the midst of all of it my wife
Lucy surprised me one night with a romantic dinner After we
ate she handed me a card with a sonogram picture of our baby
inside I was in tears We had been married over six years and
now were ready to take the next step and become parents
A few weeks after I got this incredible news from my wife I
had a concert in Orlando at the arena that is the home of theMagic As a hip-hop artist I regularly perform and speak at many
events I had my entire team there a DJ some break dancers and
a few other rappers My wife was also planning on coming but
she decided to stay home since she wasnrsquot feeling well and didnrsquot
want to push it Tat night was incredible I had the opportunity
to do a thirty-minute set in front of over thirteen thousand
people Te response was amazing and I was on a spiritual high
We drove home from Orlando to ampa that night and arrived
after am Instead of my wife being fast asleep she was
awake and very sickmdashshe didnrsquot look good Tis night that
started out as one of the best of my life soon turned into one of
the worst Shortly after am I rushed her to the hospital
where we soon found out that we lost our baby Words canrsquotdescribe that feeling words on a page or a screen could never
articulate it
After Lucyrsquos miscarriage the doctors discovered that she had
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RB
a large ovarian cyst that might have caused it A few months
later the cyst grew so large that she would have to have major
surgery to remove it We were still recovering from losing our
child and now we had to sign legal hospital documents with the
understanding that my wife may never be able to have children
It was painful for both of us but we prayed and trusted
On April the doctors removed a cyst the size of a
baseball Te surgery was a huge success and four months later
Lucy was pregnant again Exactly one year later on April
the doctors performed the same incision (C-section) in my
wifersquos lower abdomen but this time they pulled out my daughter
Deyana Irsquove found that God loves to do things like that He lines
up situations and sometimes even dates to show us things We
donrsquot always understand why but he does it for our growth and
for his glory there is purpose in it God has brought healing tomy wife and me and blessed us with two healthy girls
Rebuilding is a process that takes time and intentionality
Wersquove met so many people who have lost an unborn child but
Irsquove never heard a song about this experience so one way I con-
fronted my pain was by writing a song about it Oftentimes
finding an outlet to channel pain in a healthy way can also help
others through theirs Te song was titled ldquoPurposerdquo and re-
leased on my Unorthodox album (You can access this song at
the Noisetrade link on the ldquoAdditional Rebuild Resourcesrdquo page at
the back of this book) As a result of recording the song Irsquove had
countless people share their stories of pain and loss with me What
we do with pain and what we learn from it is vital to our lives
When we rise above its isolating factor pain can connect people
Pain in Our Communities
I witnessed the pain in my city as I hung out on the basketball
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Confronting Our Pain
courts and visited the homes of teens that started coming to our
youth service and the basketball league we sponsored My heart
was grieved because over percent of them didnrsquot have a father
Many of their dads were locked up Some were around occa-
sionally while other teens had never met their dads at all Tis
isnrsquot unique to my city Tere is a male leadership crisis in the
urban community Itrsquos a generational cycle of sin and suffering
as people donrsquot follow Godrsquos instructions
One of the reasons our youth ministry grew to hundreds
was that we had so many male leaders of color that could
connect and relate to the teens we were reaching out to A lot
of our leaders were artists like myself We built our youth min-
istry around sports and the arts as this is what teens are influ-
enced by Each one of our leaders took several teens under
their wings to help rebuild their lives I regularly had teenstelling me they looked up to me as a father figure even though
at the time I was only a few years older than them We had
classes to help build their talent and their walk with Christ
including break dancing classes DJ classes art classes acting
MC (rapping) classes and more All of this was infused with
discipleship and life skills
By the time we entered our sixth year of youth ministry at the
church we were reaching hundreds of teens and young adults at
our Tursday night service Tis was amazing It was an anomaly
But we noticed we were doing a poor job at connecting them and
their families to our church on Sundays Tere was so much pain
and brokenness in our community yet most of these people
werenrsquot attending a church being discipled or receiving toolsand empowerment to help their families become healthier
We knew we had to rebuild the way we did church on Sundays
if we were truly going to meet the needs of our community As
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RB
I became the pastor I had a lot of questions What would that
look like Who else was reaching an audience of young families
in a multiethnic urban environment We couldnrsquot find any
models at the time so we had to carefully and prayerfully begin
the rebuilding process ourselves We looked to God mentors
books and other churches to piece the puzzle together
It would have been much easier to try to attract a crowd that
was more stable and more affluent but thatrsquos not who we were
called to reach Like Nehemiah sometimes God calls us to re-
build people that others have learned to ignore As we followed
Godrsquos lead we watched him blow our minds over the next few
years Soon he brought us to the point where we outgrew our
little facility We were forced to confront our pain as a church
as several of the neighbors rose up against us Tey called the
police and reported us to the city every chance they got Wetried to be courteous We sent letters gift cards met with
some of them and even visited them when they were sick
Some of this helped but ultimately our church was bringing a
lot of noise and traffic into the middle of a residential neigh-
borhood We didnrsquot want to frustrate our neighbors and we
knew that Godrsquos vision of rebuilding our city was much larger
than that location
Nehemiah was unattached to the hurting people within the
crumbling walls of Jerusalem but he was still broken by their
pain and suffering Tere are hurting people all over in our
neighborhood our city our state our country and overseas My
prayer is that God will break our hearts with compassion for
those he calls us to reach Pain and loss has the power to connecthurting people when we allow God to soften our hearts and
work through our suffering Like Nehemiah going before the
king we must trust God with the tough situations in life act in
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Confronting Our Pain
obedience and wait for his timing We must confront our pain
Tat is when our own rebuilding begins to take place Oppo-
sition is bound to come in one form or another and we cannot
always rely on other people to get the job done but even then
God gives us the ability to stay positive trust in him and keep
on building
Building Blocks
bull Your LifemdashIdentify some personal pain that you havenrsquot con-
fronted How has that been affecting you What are the next
steps you need to take to rebuild
bull Your ChurchmdashWhat are some sources of pain in your
church Is there anything that has been causing conflict How
can God use you to bring reconciliation and healing so your
church can be rebuilt even stronger
bull Your WorldmdashWhat is one issue in your city that has been
painful for many people (for example homelessness sex traf-
ficking poverty fatherlessness etc) How can you or your
small group or your church assist people give them hope and
help them rebuild
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RB
built so many lives we were bursting at the seams
Our young urban church was crazy enough to relocate and
take on a forty-three-thousand-square-foot build-out of a
former oysldquoRrdquoUs building in amparsquos inner city Sounds dif-
ficult but when you add the fact that we undertook this project
in the middle of a recession in one of the hardest hit cities in the
country it seemed virtually impossible God had opened up all
the right doors but soon we realized we were in way over our
heads It was beyond our experience our wisdom and our re-
sources But sometimes this is exactly where God wants you
Tatrsquos when he gets your full attention
Just like our congregation Nehemiah and his people had
some naysayers Tey told him it was impossible to rebuild the
walls of Jerusalem but he did it in just fifty-two days I love Ne-
hemiahrsquos story Itrsquos an epic journey of compassion risk and mir-acles It started many months before the actual fifty-two days
and the ongoing spiritual rebuilding lasted for years after the
builders topped the walls Te thing that especially excites me
about Nehemiahrsquos story is that he didnrsquot have the experience to
lead yet God used him When God rebuilds us he calls all of us
to lead
As you look through Scripture you can regularly see how God
uses the unlikely He uses the underdogs He uses ordinary
people just like you and me to step up and lead things beyond
what wersquod ever dream or imagine Maybe you feel like you are
unworthy and God canrsquot use you because you made too many
mistakes Maybe you feel you donrsquot have enough talent or expe-
rience Maybe you feel like itrsquos too late Irsquom here to tell youotherwise If yoursquove ever experienced any brokenness then you
need to keep reading Tis book is designed to bring out the
rebuilt leader in all of us At the end of each chapter of ReBuild
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Introduction
yoursquoll find questions that will help you think about practical next
steps in rebuilding yourself your church and the world around
you Wersquove also created some free resources on urbandorg for
your small group and your church including videos music cur-
riculum and sermon notes so you can take this rebuilding
journey with others
Rebuilding will stretch you It can wreck you or make you
stronger Rebuilding your life your church and your world will
take you to places you never thought you would go It will reveal
things about you and those around you that you didnrsquot know It
will expose the good the bad and the ugly Te past few years of
my life have been the most difficult but the most exciting re-
warding season Irsquove ever had If you are ready to experience
some supernatural rebuilding then pick up your hammer and
your sword and letrsquos go to work
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one
Confronting Our Pain
Therersquos no time to get defensive
It will cost youmdashthis city of pain can get so expensive
As people we get apprehensive To share our struggle
But push through and find yourself a safe huddle
And donrsquot have spiritual amnesia of all the times
God rescued you from trouble
ldquoC ITY OF PA INrdquomdashURBAN D (AMNES IA E P )
The last time I remember seeing Scott was at my wedding reception
He was one of my closest friends and he drove all the way down
to ampa from Philly to be one of my groomsmen Less than
two months later I received a phone call informing me that he
was killed on the street in front of his house I couldnrsquot wrap my
mind around it I argued with my friend on the phone hoping
that she was mistaken or maybe playing a twisted joke on me
but it was truemdashmy friend was gone A few days later I was on
a plane to Philadelphia to go and pay my respects Te whole
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RB
way there my mind flashed back to all the great memories we
shared as teenagers and young adults Te pain of unexpected
loss was overwhelming
Te next few days were bittersweet as I reconnected with
several people I hadnrsquot seen in years while mourning the death
of one of my closet friends At the time I was fresh out of Bible
college and had just started youth pastoring in ampa Given
that I was in ministry I received lots of questions from my
friends and extended family and all of a sudden I was the coun-
selormdashthough I felt like I needed some counseling myself Tere
were a lot of tears as God broke my heart with compassion for
these people that I had done life with while growing up I saw
their enormous pain and I shared it
Before hearing the devastating news of my friendrsquos death
things in my life were going great I was a newlywed enjoyingmy new life with Lucy in our first real apartment I was on this
new journey as a youth pastor and our youth group had al-
ready grown from four girls to a couple dozen kids in just a few
months On top of that I was enjoying my first winter in
Florida as a permanent resident It felt like I was in paradise
living the dream
Nehemiahrsquos life was great before he received some life-
changing news too He was living in the palacemdashin paradise
living the dream As the royal cupbearer he had access to the
finest of food and wines in the kingdom Ten he got the phone
call Hanani told him about the condition of the Hebrew people
his people and the walls of Jerusalem they had been destroyed
and his people were in great distress It rocked him to his coreand his heart was broken with compassion ldquoWhen I heard this
I sat down and wept In fact for days I mourned fasted and
prayed to the God of heavenrdquo (Nehemiah )
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Confronting Our Pain
Nehemiah was part of the Jewish population that had been
displaced after the Babylonians conquered them Terefore he
was disconnected from what was happening back in Jerusalem
and could have easily gotten over this feeling of compassion for
the people He could have just shed a tear for his people and
returned to life in the palace but God wouldnrsquot let him He was
rebuilt When you are truly rebuilt God regularly takes you out
of your comfort zone as you are called to help others rebuild
I was disconnected from what was happening up in Philly I
hadnrsquot lived there in many years so I could have shed a few tears
made a phone call or two sent a sympathy card and stayed in
Florida But I knew I needed to get uncomfortable go back and
confront my pain
Living in a sin-sick world we are destined to experience
brokenness pain and failures Rebuilding will and must be a partof the maintenance of your soul We have many people we call
family whether they are blood related or not and they have
brokenness flaws and issues just like we do If we really love
them and care about them like we say we do then we must be a
part of helping them rebuild their lives as wellmdashthatrsquos what real
family does No matter what city we live in there will be problems
because people live there and people will always have problems
Rebuilding is hard rebuilding is necessary and sometimes God
has to break us down in order to build something greater
When we have an encounter with the Creator of the universe
and start a relationship with him the Scriptures say we are a new
creation We are rebuilt We still have the same body and still
have gone through the same things but we are rebuilt and re-wired on the inside We are renewed When we experience this
incredible miracle we have a responsibility and a new built-in
compassion to share it with others and see that same renewal
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RB
happen in our family and in our community around us even if
it means getting uncomfortable
Nehemiah confronted his pain and something amazing began
to happenmdashhe prayed and repented
Listen to my prayer Look down and see me praying night
and day for your people Israel I confess that we have
sinned against you Yes even my own family and I have
sinned We have sinned terribly by not obeying the com-
mands decrees and regulations that you gave us through
your servant Moses (Nehemiah -)
Nehemiah made the fall of Jerusalem personal and took respon-
sibility It wasnrsquot his fault that his people went into captivity
seventy years earliermdashhe wasnrsquot even born yet Yet he still took
responsibility for this national sin It was personal and national
We donrsquot really know about that do we Most of us probably
know about individual repentance but when was the last time
we confessed the sins of our family friends church city and
nation We live in a very individualistic society Our culture has
taught us to only worry about ourselves but the Bible says we
are our brotherrsquos keeper
Te death of my close friend caused me to ask for repentance
for my friends and extended family It caused me to ask for re-
pentance for my generation and the urban culture to which I was
connected and called to minister It caused me to ask for per-
sonal repentance
My friendrsquos funeral was a very difficult time for me Tank
God his parentsrsquo pastor officiated the service but being ldquoTeYouth Pastor Guyrdquo I was asked by the family to share some words
on behalf of all of his friends (I was the public speaker of the
crew) It was one of the toughest speeches Irsquove ever made be-
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Confronting Our Pain
cause Irsquom not the type of cat to sugarcoat thingsmdashI just canrsquot Irsquom
tactful but I canrsquot get up there and lie In fact I hate when
preachers get up at funerals and say ldquoWe all know they are in a
better place now rdquo when everyone at the funeral knows they
were far from God Itrsquos not my place to judge my dead friend but
from most things I had seen in his life there didnrsquot seem to be
any real evidence of him following Christ Irsquom pretty sure he had
made some type of commitment to God when we were teen-
agers but it was all kind of fuzzy and I just wasnrsquot sure I couldnrsquot
get up there with confidence and say I knew wersquod see him again
because I was torn conflicted and fearful that I might not In-
stead I stumbled through talking about some memories we
shared and how much wersquod miss him
In my heart I repented for not saying more to my friend Scott
If I had only known that the very last time I would see my friendwas at my wedding reception I would have pulled him aside and
pleaded with him to get right with Christmdashbut I canrsquot turn back
time it doesnrsquot work like that Despite the feeling of regret I had
God used this event in my life as a catalyst When you confront
your pain God can use it to fuel your energy toward your calling
and your future I knew I was called to rebuild the city but this
put a new fire under me It reminded me that I never knew if the
conversation the sermon or the song I shared with someone
would be the last one that they would hear It put a new level of
compassion in me I wasnrsquot called to go back to Philly and re-
build but to go back to this new city where God had planted me
I was on a mission to rebuild it
When Pain Hits Home
Tis book isnrsquot meant to comfort you but hopefully wake up the
leader inside of you oo many of us have become numb to pain
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RB
and others have been literally paralyzed by it I pray that God
will use the words on these pages like some paddles zapping new
life into your chest Our generation knows pain and connects
with it but many times we never really confront it grow from it
or truly move forwardmdashwe usually just get stuck as we marinate
in it
Growing up in an urban environment I saw a lot of drama
and experienced the painful loss of a few friends However the
dangers tragedy and pain had never penetrated the walls of my
immediate family I was fortunate enough to have a solid family
my parents truly loved God and each other and created a great
home environment for my sister and me Even though there
was all this craziness around us my immediate family always
served as an oasis in the middle of the urban desert I lived and
served inTat all changed on a Tursday night in March of On
this night pain invaded my personal space like never before My
wife and I received a phone call and heard that my father had a
massive brain aneurysm I was in a state of shock How could
this be My father was healthy My father was young He had no
previous health conditions My father was a man of God in min-
istrymdasha pastor for over thirty years A few hours later my wife
and I were on a plane headed to Pittsburgh My father had been
placed in the trauma unit at the cityrsquos largest hospital His con-
dition was critical and he had flatlined a few times which re-
sulted in a coma and life support Te doctors said he probably
would not make itmdashthere were so many complicationsmdashbut I
was praying that God would save his life Te request seemedhopeless
Nehemiahrsquos request seemed hopeless too As he prayed re-
pented and fasted it became more and more personal for him
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Confronting Our Pain
God answered by telling him to leave and go rebuild the citymdasha
seemingly impossible task that would require approval by the
king of the nation that had conquered Nehemiahrsquos people Why
would the king want to send one of his most trusted servants to
go lead a project that he had no interest in In fact the king had
previously ordered that Jerusalem not be rebuilt If the king
denied Nehemiahrsquos request he could have him killed It was an
intense situation but God gave Nehemiah peace
I found myself in that hospital in Pittsburgh going through
the most intense situation of my life We stayed at the hospital
several days Itrsquos hard to sleep in the middle of a crisis and even
more difficult when you are trying to catch some zrsquos in a hospital
waiting room so I spent a lot of time in the chapel those nights
Early one morning around am I was on my face seeking
God when I suddenly felt a peace and knew that everythingwould be okay I felt Godrsquos presence comforting me and it re-
stored my confidence in his ability to do the impossible (when
you are in the middle of a painful experience itrsquos easy to forget
that God can handle it)
Nehemiah prayed that God would grant him favor with the
kingmdashsomething that didnrsquot happen right away it took months
for the right moment to come along Sometimes we act too soon
too late or we donrsquot do anything at all We have to build dis-
cernment from Godrsquos Spirit to know when to make a move Ne-
hemiah was tuned in to know that moment was upon him He
was serving the king some wine when the king noticed that
Nehemiah wasnrsquot himself ldquoSo the king asked me lsquoWhy are
you looking so sad You donrsquot look sick to me You must bedeeply troubledrsquordquo (Nehemiah ) Nehemiah was nervous but
he shared his heart for rebuilding the city of his people He
knew this was the moment when everything weighed in the
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RB
balance Either he could lose his trust his job and maybe even
his life or this confrontation could lead to a rebuilding journey
that would change history Te king asked a few questions
looked over at the queen and decided to grant his request It was
truly a miracle God had granted Nehemiah favor
Te situation with my father has been a difficult one over the
past decade But God did assure me in that hospital chapel that
everything would be okay Although they didnrsquot happen right
away God has done some miracles in my family Tis has been
a rebuilding journey that has changed history for a lot of people
Te doctors said my father would probably not make it and if he
did he would just be a vegetable on life support Tey were
wrong After three months he came out of the coma came off
life support and was able to talk and regain some of his memory
and movement His situationrsquos still a challenge as he is in anursing home facility requiring twenty-four-hour care but he
has come a long way More importantly he is still with us and
God has taught my family a lot through it We didnrsquot turn our
backs on God and run from this With his grace we learned to
confront it walk through it wrestle with it and grow through it
Yes we were crushed through this traumatic experience but
God has rebuilt us even stronger Wersquove learned he is sovereign
and we now have an even deeper trust in him We believe God
can heal my father though that may not be his plan and thatrsquos
okay too
When the Best Day Ever Turns into the Worst Day Ever
My hope lies in the life ahead where wersquoll be permanently re-built where we canrsquot suffer from a stroke or get cancer or have
an aneurism Itrsquos a place where we wonrsquot have to confront pain
or suffer from lossmdashwhere wersquoll be reunited with those wersquove
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Confronting Our Pain
lost Wersquove all lost some people that we deeply care about
friends grandparents parents and even children
In early I had just taken the position as lead pastor at
Crossover Church Honestly I got pushed into it and said yes out
of necessity Te youth ministry I was leading was flourishing
with hundreds coming but there were only a handful of people
attending on Sundays the church was floundering We experi-
enced a lot of change transition uncertainty hope and ex-
citement all at the same time In the midst of all of it my wife
Lucy surprised me one night with a romantic dinner After we
ate she handed me a card with a sonogram picture of our baby
inside I was in tears We had been married over six years and
now were ready to take the next step and become parents
A few weeks after I got this incredible news from my wife I
had a concert in Orlando at the arena that is the home of theMagic As a hip-hop artist I regularly perform and speak at many
events I had my entire team there a DJ some break dancers and
a few other rappers My wife was also planning on coming but
she decided to stay home since she wasnrsquot feeling well and didnrsquot
want to push it Tat night was incredible I had the opportunity
to do a thirty-minute set in front of over thirteen thousand
people Te response was amazing and I was on a spiritual high
We drove home from Orlando to ampa that night and arrived
after am Instead of my wife being fast asleep she was
awake and very sickmdashshe didnrsquot look good Tis night that
started out as one of the best of my life soon turned into one of
the worst Shortly after am I rushed her to the hospital
where we soon found out that we lost our baby Words canrsquotdescribe that feeling words on a page or a screen could never
articulate it
After Lucyrsquos miscarriage the doctors discovered that she had
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RB
a large ovarian cyst that might have caused it A few months
later the cyst grew so large that she would have to have major
surgery to remove it We were still recovering from losing our
child and now we had to sign legal hospital documents with the
understanding that my wife may never be able to have children
It was painful for both of us but we prayed and trusted
On April the doctors removed a cyst the size of a
baseball Te surgery was a huge success and four months later
Lucy was pregnant again Exactly one year later on April
the doctors performed the same incision (C-section) in my
wifersquos lower abdomen but this time they pulled out my daughter
Deyana Irsquove found that God loves to do things like that He lines
up situations and sometimes even dates to show us things We
donrsquot always understand why but he does it for our growth and
for his glory there is purpose in it God has brought healing tomy wife and me and blessed us with two healthy girls
Rebuilding is a process that takes time and intentionality
Wersquove met so many people who have lost an unborn child but
Irsquove never heard a song about this experience so one way I con-
fronted my pain was by writing a song about it Oftentimes
finding an outlet to channel pain in a healthy way can also help
others through theirs Te song was titled ldquoPurposerdquo and re-
leased on my Unorthodox album (You can access this song at
the Noisetrade link on the ldquoAdditional Rebuild Resourcesrdquo page at
the back of this book) As a result of recording the song Irsquove had
countless people share their stories of pain and loss with me What
we do with pain and what we learn from it is vital to our lives
When we rise above its isolating factor pain can connect people
Pain in Our Communities
I witnessed the pain in my city as I hung out on the basketball
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Confronting Our Pain
courts and visited the homes of teens that started coming to our
youth service and the basketball league we sponsored My heart
was grieved because over percent of them didnrsquot have a father
Many of their dads were locked up Some were around occa-
sionally while other teens had never met their dads at all Tis
isnrsquot unique to my city Tere is a male leadership crisis in the
urban community Itrsquos a generational cycle of sin and suffering
as people donrsquot follow Godrsquos instructions
One of the reasons our youth ministry grew to hundreds
was that we had so many male leaders of color that could
connect and relate to the teens we were reaching out to A lot
of our leaders were artists like myself We built our youth min-
istry around sports and the arts as this is what teens are influ-
enced by Each one of our leaders took several teens under
their wings to help rebuild their lives I regularly had teenstelling me they looked up to me as a father figure even though
at the time I was only a few years older than them We had
classes to help build their talent and their walk with Christ
including break dancing classes DJ classes art classes acting
MC (rapping) classes and more All of this was infused with
discipleship and life skills
By the time we entered our sixth year of youth ministry at the
church we were reaching hundreds of teens and young adults at
our Tursday night service Tis was amazing It was an anomaly
But we noticed we were doing a poor job at connecting them and
their families to our church on Sundays Tere was so much pain
and brokenness in our community yet most of these people
werenrsquot attending a church being discipled or receiving toolsand empowerment to help their families become healthier
We knew we had to rebuild the way we did church on Sundays
if we were truly going to meet the needs of our community As
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RB
I became the pastor I had a lot of questions What would that
look like Who else was reaching an audience of young families
in a multiethnic urban environment We couldnrsquot find any
models at the time so we had to carefully and prayerfully begin
the rebuilding process ourselves We looked to God mentors
books and other churches to piece the puzzle together
It would have been much easier to try to attract a crowd that
was more stable and more affluent but thatrsquos not who we were
called to reach Like Nehemiah sometimes God calls us to re-
build people that others have learned to ignore As we followed
Godrsquos lead we watched him blow our minds over the next few
years Soon he brought us to the point where we outgrew our
little facility We were forced to confront our pain as a church
as several of the neighbors rose up against us Tey called the
police and reported us to the city every chance they got Wetried to be courteous We sent letters gift cards met with
some of them and even visited them when they were sick
Some of this helped but ultimately our church was bringing a
lot of noise and traffic into the middle of a residential neigh-
borhood We didnrsquot want to frustrate our neighbors and we
knew that Godrsquos vision of rebuilding our city was much larger
than that location
Nehemiah was unattached to the hurting people within the
crumbling walls of Jerusalem but he was still broken by their
pain and suffering Tere are hurting people all over in our
neighborhood our city our state our country and overseas My
prayer is that God will break our hearts with compassion for
those he calls us to reach Pain and loss has the power to connecthurting people when we allow God to soften our hearts and
work through our suffering Like Nehemiah going before the
king we must trust God with the tough situations in life act in
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Confronting Our Pain
obedience and wait for his timing We must confront our pain
Tat is when our own rebuilding begins to take place Oppo-
sition is bound to come in one form or another and we cannot
always rely on other people to get the job done but even then
God gives us the ability to stay positive trust in him and keep
on building
Building Blocks
bull Your LifemdashIdentify some personal pain that you havenrsquot con-
fronted How has that been affecting you What are the next
steps you need to take to rebuild
bull Your ChurchmdashWhat are some sources of pain in your
church Is there anything that has been causing conflict How
can God use you to bring reconciliation and healing so your
church can be rebuilt even stronger
bull Your WorldmdashWhat is one issue in your city that has been
painful for many people (for example homelessness sex traf-
ficking poverty fatherlessness etc) How can you or your
small group or your church assist people give them hope and
help them rebuild
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Introduction
yoursquoll find questions that will help you think about practical next
steps in rebuilding yourself your church and the world around
you Wersquove also created some free resources on urbandorg for
your small group and your church including videos music cur-
riculum and sermon notes so you can take this rebuilding
journey with others
Rebuilding will stretch you It can wreck you or make you
stronger Rebuilding your life your church and your world will
take you to places you never thought you would go It will reveal
things about you and those around you that you didnrsquot know It
will expose the good the bad and the ugly Te past few years of
my life have been the most difficult but the most exciting re-
warding season Irsquove ever had If you are ready to experience
some supernatural rebuilding then pick up your hammer and
your sword and letrsquos go to work
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one
Confronting Our Pain
Therersquos no time to get defensive
It will cost youmdashthis city of pain can get so expensive
As people we get apprehensive To share our struggle
But push through and find yourself a safe huddle
And donrsquot have spiritual amnesia of all the times
God rescued you from trouble
ldquoC ITY OF PA INrdquomdashURBAN D (AMNES IA E P )
The last time I remember seeing Scott was at my wedding reception
He was one of my closest friends and he drove all the way down
to ampa from Philly to be one of my groomsmen Less than
two months later I received a phone call informing me that he
was killed on the street in front of his house I couldnrsquot wrap my
mind around it I argued with my friend on the phone hoping
that she was mistaken or maybe playing a twisted joke on me
but it was truemdashmy friend was gone A few days later I was on
a plane to Philadelphia to go and pay my respects Te whole
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RB
way there my mind flashed back to all the great memories we
shared as teenagers and young adults Te pain of unexpected
loss was overwhelming
Te next few days were bittersweet as I reconnected with
several people I hadnrsquot seen in years while mourning the death
of one of my closet friends At the time I was fresh out of Bible
college and had just started youth pastoring in ampa Given
that I was in ministry I received lots of questions from my
friends and extended family and all of a sudden I was the coun-
selormdashthough I felt like I needed some counseling myself Tere
were a lot of tears as God broke my heart with compassion for
these people that I had done life with while growing up I saw
their enormous pain and I shared it
Before hearing the devastating news of my friendrsquos death
things in my life were going great I was a newlywed enjoyingmy new life with Lucy in our first real apartment I was on this
new journey as a youth pastor and our youth group had al-
ready grown from four girls to a couple dozen kids in just a few
months On top of that I was enjoying my first winter in
Florida as a permanent resident It felt like I was in paradise
living the dream
Nehemiahrsquos life was great before he received some life-
changing news too He was living in the palacemdashin paradise
living the dream As the royal cupbearer he had access to the
finest of food and wines in the kingdom Ten he got the phone
call Hanani told him about the condition of the Hebrew people
his people and the walls of Jerusalem they had been destroyed
and his people were in great distress It rocked him to his coreand his heart was broken with compassion ldquoWhen I heard this
I sat down and wept In fact for days I mourned fasted and
prayed to the God of heavenrdquo (Nehemiah )
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Confronting Our Pain
Nehemiah was part of the Jewish population that had been
displaced after the Babylonians conquered them Terefore he
was disconnected from what was happening back in Jerusalem
and could have easily gotten over this feeling of compassion for
the people He could have just shed a tear for his people and
returned to life in the palace but God wouldnrsquot let him He was
rebuilt When you are truly rebuilt God regularly takes you out
of your comfort zone as you are called to help others rebuild
I was disconnected from what was happening up in Philly I
hadnrsquot lived there in many years so I could have shed a few tears
made a phone call or two sent a sympathy card and stayed in
Florida But I knew I needed to get uncomfortable go back and
confront my pain
Living in a sin-sick world we are destined to experience
brokenness pain and failures Rebuilding will and must be a partof the maintenance of your soul We have many people we call
family whether they are blood related or not and they have
brokenness flaws and issues just like we do If we really love
them and care about them like we say we do then we must be a
part of helping them rebuild their lives as wellmdashthatrsquos what real
family does No matter what city we live in there will be problems
because people live there and people will always have problems
Rebuilding is hard rebuilding is necessary and sometimes God
has to break us down in order to build something greater
When we have an encounter with the Creator of the universe
and start a relationship with him the Scriptures say we are a new
creation We are rebuilt We still have the same body and still
have gone through the same things but we are rebuilt and re-wired on the inside We are renewed When we experience this
incredible miracle we have a responsibility and a new built-in
compassion to share it with others and see that same renewal
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RB
happen in our family and in our community around us even if
it means getting uncomfortable
Nehemiah confronted his pain and something amazing began
to happenmdashhe prayed and repented
Listen to my prayer Look down and see me praying night
and day for your people Israel I confess that we have
sinned against you Yes even my own family and I have
sinned We have sinned terribly by not obeying the com-
mands decrees and regulations that you gave us through
your servant Moses (Nehemiah -)
Nehemiah made the fall of Jerusalem personal and took respon-
sibility It wasnrsquot his fault that his people went into captivity
seventy years earliermdashhe wasnrsquot even born yet Yet he still took
responsibility for this national sin It was personal and national
We donrsquot really know about that do we Most of us probably
know about individual repentance but when was the last time
we confessed the sins of our family friends church city and
nation We live in a very individualistic society Our culture has
taught us to only worry about ourselves but the Bible says we
are our brotherrsquos keeper
Te death of my close friend caused me to ask for repentance
for my friends and extended family It caused me to ask for re-
pentance for my generation and the urban culture to which I was
connected and called to minister It caused me to ask for per-
sonal repentance
My friendrsquos funeral was a very difficult time for me Tank
God his parentsrsquo pastor officiated the service but being ldquoTeYouth Pastor Guyrdquo I was asked by the family to share some words
on behalf of all of his friends (I was the public speaker of the
crew) It was one of the toughest speeches Irsquove ever made be-
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Confronting Our Pain
cause Irsquom not the type of cat to sugarcoat thingsmdashI just canrsquot Irsquom
tactful but I canrsquot get up there and lie In fact I hate when
preachers get up at funerals and say ldquoWe all know they are in a
better place now rdquo when everyone at the funeral knows they
were far from God Itrsquos not my place to judge my dead friend but
from most things I had seen in his life there didnrsquot seem to be
any real evidence of him following Christ Irsquom pretty sure he had
made some type of commitment to God when we were teen-
agers but it was all kind of fuzzy and I just wasnrsquot sure I couldnrsquot
get up there with confidence and say I knew wersquod see him again
because I was torn conflicted and fearful that I might not In-
stead I stumbled through talking about some memories we
shared and how much wersquod miss him
In my heart I repented for not saying more to my friend Scott
If I had only known that the very last time I would see my friendwas at my wedding reception I would have pulled him aside and
pleaded with him to get right with Christmdashbut I canrsquot turn back
time it doesnrsquot work like that Despite the feeling of regret I had
God used this event in my life as a catalyst When you confront
your pain God can use it to fuel your energy toward your calling
and your future I knew I was called to rebuild the city but this
put a new fire under me It reminded me that I never knew if the
conversation the sermon or the song I shared with someone
would be the last one that they would hear It put a new level of
compassion in me I wasnrsquot called to go back to Philly and re-
build but to go back to this new city where God had planted me
I was on a mission to rebuild it
When Pain Hits Home
Tis book isnrsquot meant to comfort you but hopefully wake up the
leader inside of you oo many of us have become numb to pain
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RB
and others have been literally paralyzed by it I pray that God
will use the words on these pages like some paddles zapping new
life into your chest Our generation knows pain and connects
with it but many times we never really confront it grow from it
or truly move forwardmdashwe usually just get stuck as we marinate
in it
Growing up in an urban environment I saw a lot of drama
and experienced the painful loss of a few friends However the
dangers tragedy and pain had never penetrated the walls of my
immediate family I was fortunate enough to have a solid family
my parents truly loved God and each other and created a great
home environment for my sister and me Even though there
was all this craziness around us my immediate family always
served as an oasis in the middle of the urban desert I lived and
served inTat all changed on a Tursday night in March of On
this night pain invaded my personal space like never before My
wife and I received a phone call and heard that my father had a
massive brain aneurysm I was in a state of shock How could
this be My father was healthy My father was young He had no
previous health conditions My father was a man of God in min-
istrymdasha pastor for over thirty years A few hours later my wife
and I were on a plane headed to Pittsburgh My father had been
placed in the trauma unit at the cityrsquos largest hospital His con-
dition was critical and he had flatlined a few times which re-
sulted in a coma and life support Te doctors said he probably
would not make itmdashthere were so many complicationsmdashbut I
was praying that God would save his life Te request seemedhopeless
Nehemiahrsquos request seemed hopeless too As he prayed re-
pented and fasted it became more and more personal for him
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Confronting Our Pain
God answered by telling him to leave and go rebuild the citymdasha
seemingly impossible task that would require approval by the
king of the nation that had conquered Nehemiahrsquos people Why
would the king want to send one of his most trusted servants to
go lead a project that he had no interest in In fact the king had
previously ordered that Jerusalem not be rebuilt If the king
denied Nehemiahrsquos request he could have him killed It was an
intense situation but God gave Nehemiah peace
I found myself in that hospital in Pittsburgh going through
the most intense situation of my life We stayed at the hospital
several days Itrsquos hard to sleep in the middle of a crisis and even
more difficult when you are trying to catch some zrsquos in a hospital
waiting room so I spent a lot of time in the chapel those nights
Early one morning around am I was on my face seeking
God when I suddenly felt a peace and knew that everythingwould be okay I felt Godrsquos presence comforting me and it re-
stored my confidence in his ability to do the impossible (when
you are in the middle of a painful experience itrsquos easy to forget
that God can handle it)
Nehemiah prayed that God would grant him favor with the
kingmdashsomething that didnrsquot happen right away it took months
for the right moment to come along Sometimes we act too soon
too late or we donrsquot do anything at all We have to build dis-
cernment from Godrsquos Spirit to know when to make a move Ne-
hemiah was tuned in to know that moment was upon him He
was serving the king some wine when the king noticed that
Nehemiah wasnrsquot himself ldquoSo the king asked me lsquoWhy are
you looking so sad You donrsquot look sick to me You must bedeeply troubledrsquordquo (Nehemiah ) Nehemiah was nervous but
he shared his heart for rebuilding the city of his people He
knew this was the moment when everything weighed in the
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RB
balance Either he could lose his trust his job and maybe even
his life or this confrontation could lead to a rebuilding journey
that would change history Te king asked a few questions
looked over at the queen and decided to grant his request It was
truly a miracle God had granted Nehemiah favor
Te situation with my father has been a difficult one over the
past decade But God did assure me in that hospital chapel that
everything would be okay Although they didnrsquot happen right
away God has done some miracles in my family Tis has been
a rebuilding journey that has changed history for a lot of people
Te doctors said my father would probably not make it and if he
did he would just be a vegetable on life support Tey were
wrong After three months he came out of the coma came off
life support and was able to talk and regain some of his memory
and movement His situationrsquos still a challenge as he is in anursing home facility requiring twenty-four-hour care but he
has come a long way More importantly he is still with us and
God has taught my family a lot through it We didnrsquot turn our
backs on God and run from this With his grace we learned to
confront it walk through it wrestle with it and grow through it
Yes we were crushed through this traumatic experience but
God has rebuilt us even stronger Wersquove learned he is sovereign
and we now have an even deeper trust in him We believe God
can heal my father though that may not be his plan and thatrsquos
okay too
When the Best Day Ever Turns into the Worst Day Ever
My hope lies in the life ahead where wersquoll be permanently re-built where we canrsquot suffer from a stroke or get cancer or have
an aneurism Itrsquos a place where we wonrsquot have to confront pain
or suffer from lossmdashwhere wersquoll be reunited with those wersquove
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Confronting Our Pain
lost Wersquove all lost some people that we deeply care about
friends grandparents parents and even children
In early I had just taken the position as lead pastor at
Crossover Church Honestly I got pushed into it and said yes out
of necessity Te youth ministry I was leading was flourishing
with hundreds coming but there were only a handful of people
attending on Sundays the church was floundering We experi-
enced a lot of change transition uncertainty hope and ex-
citement all at the same time In the midst of all of it my wife
Lucy surprised me one night with a romantic dinner After we
ate she handed me a card with a sonogram picture of our baby
inside I was in tears We had been married over six years and
now were ready to take the next step and become parents
A few weeks after I got this incredible news from my wife I
had a concert in Orlando at the arena that is the home of theMagic As a hip-hop artist I regularly perform and speak at many
events I had my entire team there a DJ some break dancers and
a few other rappers My wife was also planning on coming but
she decided to stay home since she wasnrsquot feeling well and didnrsquot
want to push it Tat night was incredible I had the opportunity
to do a thirty-minute set in front of over thirteen thousand
people Te response was amazing and I was on a spiritual high
We drove home from Orlando to ampa that night and arrived
after am Instead of my wife being fast asleep she was
awake and very sickmdashshe didnrsquot look good Tis night that
started out as one of the best of my life soon turned into one of
the worst Shortly after am I rushed her to the hospital
where we soon found out that we lost our baby Words canrsquotdescribe that feeling words on a page or a screen could never
articulate it
After Lucyrsquos miscarriage the doctors discovered that she had
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RB
a large ovarian cyst that might have caused it A few months
later the cyst grew so large that she would have to have major
surgery to remove it We were still recovering from losing our
child and now we had to sign legal hospital documents with the
understanding that my wife may never be able to have children
It was painful for both of us but we prayed and trusted
On April the doctors removed a cyst the size of a
baseball Te surgery was a huge success and four months later
Lucy was pregnant again Exactly one year later on April
the doctors performed the same incision (C-section) in my
wifersquos lower abdomen but this time they pulled out my daughter
Deyana Irsquove found that God loves to do things like that He lines
up situations and sometimes even dates to show us things We
donrsquot always understand why but he does it for our growth and
for his glory there is purpose in it God has brought healing tomy wife and me and blessed us with two healthy girls
Rebuilding is a process that takes time and intentionality
Wersquove met so many people who have lost an unborn child but
Irsquove never heard a song about this experience so one way I con-
fronted my pain was by writing a song about it Oftentimes
finding an outlet to channel pain in a healthy way can also help
others through theirs Te song was titled ldquoPurposerdquo and re-
leased on my Unorthodox album (You can access this song at
the Noisetrade link on the ldquoAdditional Rebuild Resourcesrdquo page at
the back of this book) As a result of recording the song Irsquove had
countless people share their stories of pain and loss with me What
we do with pain and what we learn from it is vital to our lives
When we rise above its isolating factor pain can connect people
Pain in Our Communities
I witnessed the pain in my city as I hung out on the basketball
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Confronting Our Pain
courts and visited the homes of teens that started coming to our
youth service and the basketball league we sponsored My heart
was grieved because over percent of them didnrsquot have a father
Many of their dads were locked up Some were around occa-
sionally while other teens had never met their dads at all Tis
isnrsquot unique to my city Tere is a male leadership crisis in the
urban community Itrsquos a generational cycle of sin and suffering
as people donrsquot follow Godrsquos instructions
One of the reasons our youth ministry grew to hundreds
was that we had so many male leaders of color that could
connect and relate to the teens we were reaching out to A lot
of our leaders were artists like myself We built our youth min-
istry around sports and the arts as this is what teens are influ-
enced by Each one of our leaders took several teens under
their wings to help rebuild their lives I regularly had teenstelling me they looked up to me as a father figure even though
at the time I was only a few years older than them We had
classes to help build their talent and their walk with Christ
including break dancing classes DJ classes art classes acting
MC (rapping) classes and more All of this was infused with
discipleship and life skills
By the time we entered our sixth year of youth ministry at the
church we were reaching hundreds of teens and young adults at
our Tursday night service Tis was amazing It was an anomaly
But we noticed we were doing a poor job at connecting them and
their families to our church on Sundays Tere was so much pain
and brokenness in our community yet most of these people
werenrsquot attending a church being discipled or receiving toolsand empowerment to help their families become healthier
We knew we had to rebuild the way we did church on Sundays
if we were truly going to meet the needs of our community As
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RB
I became the pastor I had a lot of questions What would that
look like Who else was reaching an audience of young families
in a multiethnic urban environment We couldnrsquot find any
models at the time so we had to carefully and prayerfully begin
the rebuilding process ourselves We looked to God mentors
books and other churches to piece the puzzle together
It would have been much easier to try to attract a crowd that
was more stable and more affluent but thatrsquos not who we were
called to reach Like Nehemiah sometimes God calls us to re-
build people that others have learned to ignore As we followed
Godrsquos lead we watched him blow our minds over the next few
years Soon he brought us to the point where we outgrew our
little facility We were forced to confront our pain as a church
as several of the neighbors rose up against us Tey called the
police and reported us to the city every chance they got Wetried to be courteous We sent letters gift cards met with
some of them and even visited them when they were sick
Some of this helped but ultimately our church was bringing a
lot of noise and traffic into the middle of a residential neigh-
borhood We didnrsquot want to frustrate our neighbors and we
knew that Godrsquos vision of rebuilding our city was much larger
than that location
Nehemiah was unattached to the hurting people within the
crumbling walls of Jerusalem but he was still broken by their
pain and suffering Tere are hurting people all over in our
neighborhood our city our state our country and overseas My
prayer is that God will break our hearts with compassion for
those he calls us to reach Pain and loss has the power to connecthurting people when we allow God to soften our hearts and
work through our suffering Like Nehemiah going before the
king we must trust God with the tough situations in life act in
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Confronting Our Pain
obedience and wait for his timing We must confront our pain
Tat is when our own rebuilding begins to take place Oppo-
sition is bound to come in one form or another and we cannot
always rely on other people to get the job done but even then
God gives us the ability to stay positive trust in him and keep
on building
Building Blocks
bull Your LifemdashIdentify some personal pain that you havenrsquot con-
fronted How has that been affecting you What are the next
steps you need to take to rebuild
bull Your ChurchmdashWhat are some sources of pain in your
church Is there anything that has been causing conflict How
can God use you to bring reconciliation and healing so your
church can be rebuilt even stronger
bull Your WorldmdashWhat is one issue in your city that has been
painful for many people (for example homelessness sex traf-
ficking poverty fatherlessness etc) How can you or your
small group or your church assist people give them hope and
help them rebuild
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one
Confronting Our Pain
Therersquos no time to get defensive
It will cost youmdashthis city of pain can get so expensive
As people we get apprehensive To share our struggle
But push through and find yourself a safe huddle
And donrsquot have spiritual amnesia of all the times
God rescued you from trouble
ldquoC ITY OF PA INrdquomdashURBAN D (AMNES IA E P )
The last time I remember seeing Scott was at my wedding reception
He was one of my closest friends and he drove all the way down
to ampa from Philly to be one of my groomsmen Less than
two months later I received a phone call informing me that he
was killed on the street in front of his house I couldnrsquot wrap my
mind around it I argued with my friend on the phone hoping
that she was mistaken or maybe playing a twisted joke on me
but it was truemdashmy friend was gone A few days later I was on
a plane to Philadelphia to go and pay my respects Te whole
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RB
way there my mind flashed back to all the great memories we
shared as teenagers and young adults Te pain of unexpected
loss was overwhelming
Te next few days were bittersweet as I reconnected with
several people I hadnrsquot seen in years while mourning the death
of one of my closet friends At the time I was fresh out of Bible
college and had just started youth pastoring in ampa Given
that I was in ministry I received lots of questions from my
friends and extended family and all of a sudden I was the coun-
selormdashthough I felt like I needed some counseling myself Tere
were a lot of tears as God broke my heart with compassion for
these people that I had done life with while growing up I saw
their enormous pain and I shared it
Before hearing the devastating news of my friendrsquos death
things in my life were going great I was a newlywed enjoyingmy new life with Lucy in our first real apartment I was on this
new journey as a youth pastor and our youth group had al-
ready grown from four girls to a couple dozen kids in just a few
months On top of that I was enjoying my first winter in
Florida as a permanent resident It felt like I was in paradise
living the dream
Nehemiahrsquos life was great before he received some life-
changing news too He was living in the palacemdashin paradise
living the dream As the royal cupbearer he had access to the
finest of food and wines in the kingdom Ten he got the phone
call Hanani told him about the condition of the Hebrew people
his people and the walls of Jerusalem they had been destroyed
and his people were in great distress It rocked him to his coreand his heart was broken with compassion ldquoWhen I heard this
I sat down and wept In fact for days I mourned fasted and
prayed to the God of heavenrdquo (Nehemiah )
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Confronting Our Pain
Nehemiah was part of the Jewish population that had been
displaced after the Babylonians conquered them Terefore he
was disconnected from what was happening back in Jerusalem
and could have easily gotten over this feeling of compassion for
the people He could have just shed a tear for his people and
returned to life in the palace but God wouldnrsquot let him He was
rebuilt When you are truly rebuilt God regularly takes you out
of your comfort zone as you are called to help others rebuild
I was disconnected from what was happening up in Philly I
hadnrsquot lived there in many years so I could have shed a few tears
made a phone call or two sent a sympathy card and stayed in
Florida But I knew I needed to get uncomfortable go back and
confront my pain
Living in a sin-sick world we are destined to experience
brokenness pain and failures Rebuilding will and must be a partof the maintenance of your soul We have many people we call
family whether they are blood related or not and they have
brokenness flaws and issues just like we do If we really love
them and care about them like we say we do then we must be a
part of helping them rebuild their lives as wellmdashthatrsquos what real
family does No matter what city we live in there will be problems
because people live there and people will always have problems
Rebuilding is hard rebuilding is necessary and sometimes God
has to break us down in order to build something greater
When we have an encounter with the Creator of the universe
and start a relationship with him the Scriptures say we are a new
creation We are rebuilt We still have the same body and still
have gone through the same things but we are rebuilt and re-wired on the inside We are renewed When we experience this
incredible miracle we have a responsibility and a new built-in
compassion to share it with others and see that same renewal
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8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
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RB
happen in our family and in our community around us even if
it means getting uncomfortable
Nehemiah confronted his pain and something amazing began
to happenmdashhe prayed and repented
Listen to my prayer Look down and see me praying night
and day for your people Israel I confess that we have
sinned against you Yes even my own family and I have
sinned We have sinned terribly by not obeying the com-
mands decrees and regulations that you gave us through
your servant Moses (Nehemiah -)
Nehemiah made the fall of Jerusalem personal and took respon-
sibility It wasnrsquot his fault that his people went into captivity
seventy years earliermdashhe wasnrsquot even born yet Yet he still took
responsibility for this national sin It was personal and national
We donrsquot really know about that do we Most of us probably
know about individual repentance but when was the last time
we confessed the sins of our family friends church city and
nation We live in a very individualistic society Our culture has
taught us to only worry about ourselves but the Bible says we
are our brotherrsquos keeper
Te death of my close friend caused me to ask for repentance
for my friends and extended family It caused me to ask for re-
pentance for my generation and the urban culture to which I was
connected and called to minister It caused me to ask for per-
sonal repentance
My friendrsquos funeral was a very difficult time for me Tank
God his parentsrsquo pastor officiated the service but being ldquoTeYouth Pastor Guyrdquo I was asked by the family to share some words
on behalf of all of his friends (I was the public speaker of the
crew) It was one of the toughest speeches Irsquove ever made be-
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Confronting Our Pain
cause Irsquom not the type of cat to sugarcoat thingsmdashI just canrsquot Irsquom
tactful but I canrsquot get up there and lie In fact I hate when
preachers get up at funerals and say ldquoWe all know they are in a
better place now rdquo when everyone at the funeral knows they
were far from God Itrsquos not my place to judge my dead friend but
from most things I had seen in his life there didnrsquot seem to be
any real evidence of him following Christ Irsquom pretty sure he had
made some type of commitment to God when we were teen-
agers but it was all kind of fuzzy and I just wasnrsquot sure I couldnrsquot
get up there with confidence and say I knew wersquod see him again
because I was torn conflicted and fearful that I might not In-
stead I stumbled through talking about some memories we
shared and how much wersquod miss him
In my heart I repented for not saying more to my friend Scott
If I had only known that the very last time I would see my friendwas at my wedding reception I would have pulled him aside and
pleaded with him to get right with Christmdashbut I canrsquot turn back
time it doesnrsquot work like that Despite the feeling of regret I had
God used this event in my life as a catalyst When you confront
your pain God can use it to fuel your energy toward your calling
and your future I knew I was called to rebuild the city but this
put a new fire under me It reminded me that I never knew if the
conversation the sermon or the song I shared with someone
would be the last one that they would hear It put a new level of
compassion in me I wasnrsquot called to go back to Philly and re-
build but to go back to this new city where God had planted me
I was on a mission to rebuild it
When Pain Hits Home
Tis book isnrsquot meant to comfort you but hopefully wake up the
leader inside of you oo many of us have become numb to pain
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RB
and others have been literally paralyzed by it I pray that God
will use the words on these pages like some paddles zapping new
life into your chest Our generation knows pain and connects
with it but many times we never really confront it grow from it
or truly move forwardmdashwe usually just get stuck as we marinate
in it
Growing up in an urban environment I saw a lot of drama
and experienced the painful loss of a few friends However the
dangers tragedy and pain had never penetrated the walls of my
immediate family I was fortunate enough to have a solid family
my parents truly loved God and each other and created a great
home environment for my sister and me Even though there
was all this craziness around us my immediate family always
served as an oasis in the middle of the urban desert I lived and
served inTat all changed on a Tursday night in March of On
this night pain invaded my personal space like never before My
wife and I received a phone call and heard that my father had a
massive brain aneurysm I was in a state of shock How could
this be My father was healthy My father was young He had no
previous health conditions My father was a man of God in min-
istrymdasha pastor for over thirty years A few hours later my wife
and I were on a plane headed to Pittsburgh My father had been
placed in the trauma unit at the cityrsquos largest hospital His con-
dition was critical and he had flatlined a few times which re-
sulted in a coma and life support Te doctors said he probably
would not make itmdashthere were so many complicationsmdashbut I
was praying that God would save his life Te request seemedhopeless
Nehemiahrsquos request seemed hopeless too As he prayed re-
pented and fasted it became more and more personal for him
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Confronting Our Pain
God answered by telling him to leave and go rebuild the citymdasha
seemingly impossible task that would require approval by the
king of the nation that had conquered Nehemiahrsquos people Why
would the king want to send one of his most trusted servants to
go lead a project that he had no interest in In fact the king had
previously ordered that Jerusalem not be rebuilt If the king
denied Nehemiahrsquos request he could have him killed It was an
intense situation but God gave Nehemiah peace
I found myself in that hospital in Pittsburgh going through
the most intense situation of my life We stayed at the hospital
several days Itrsquos hard to sleep in the middle of a crisis and even
more difficult when you are trying to catch some zrsquos in a hospital
waiting room so I spent a lot of time in the chapel those nights
Early one morning around am I was on my face seeking
God when I suddenly felt a peace and knew that everythingwould be okay I felt Godrsquos presence comforting me and it re-
stored my confidence in his ability to do the impossible (when
you are in the middle of a painful experience itrsquos easy to forget
that God can handle it)
Nehemiah prayed that God would grant him favor with the
kingmdashsomething that didnrsquot happen right away it took months
for the right moment to come along Sometimes we act too soon
too late or we donrsquot do anything at all We have to build dis-
cernment from Godrsquos Spirit to know when to make a move Ne-
hemiah was tuned in to know that moment was upon him He
was serving the king some wine when the king noticed that
Nehemiah wasnrsquot himself ldquoSo the king asked me lsquoWhy are
you looking so sad You donrsquot look sick to me You must bedeeply troubledrsquordquo (Nehemiah ) Nehemiah was nervous but
he shared his heart for rebuilding the city of his people He
knew this was the moment when everything weighed in the
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RB
balance Either he could lose his trust his job and maybe even
his life or this confrontation could lead to a rebuilding journey
that would change history Te king asked a few questions
looked over at the queen and decided to grant his request It was
truly a miracle God had granted Nehemiah favor
Te situation with my father has been a difficult one over the
past decade But God did assure me in that hospital chapel that
everything would be okay Although they didnrsquot happen right
away God has done some miracles in my family Tis has been
a rebuilding journey that has changed history for a lot of people
Te doctors said my father would probably not make it and if he
did he would just be a vegetable on life support Tey were
wrong After three months he came out of the coma came off
life support and was able to talk and regain some of his memory
and movement His situationrsquos still a challenge as he is in anursing home facility requiring twenty-four-hour care but he
has come a long way More importantly he is still with us and
God has taught my family a lot through it We didnrsquot turn our
backs on God and run from this With his grace we learned to
confront it walk through it wrestle with it and grow through it
Yes we were crushed through this traumatic experience but
God has rebuilt us even stronger Wersquove learned he is sovereign
and we now have an even deeper trust in him We believe God
can heal my father though that may not be his plan and thatrsquos
okay too
When the Best Day Ever Turns into the Worst Day Ever
My hope lies in the life ahead where wersquoll be permanently re-built where we canrsquot suffer from a stroke or get cancer or have
an aneurism Itrsquos a place where we wonrsquot have to confront pain
or suffer from lossmdashwhere wersquoll be reunited with those wersquove
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Confronting Our Pain
lost Wersquove all lost some people that we deeply care about
friends grandparents parents and even children
In early I had just taken the position as lead pastor at
Crossover Church Honestly I got pushed into it and said yes out
of necessity Te youth ministry I was leading was flourishing
with hundreds coming but there were only a handful of people
attending on Sundays the church was floundering We experi-
enced a lot of change transition uncertainty hope and ex-
citement all at the same time In the midst of all of it my wife
Lucy surprised me one night with a romantic dinner After we
ate she handed me a card with a sonogram picture of our baby
inside I was in tears We had been married over six years and
now were ready to take the next step and become parents
A few weeks after I got this incredible news from my wife I
had a concert in Orlando at the arena that is the home of theMagic As a hip-hop artist I regularly perform and speak at many
events I had my entire team there a DJ some break dancers and
a few other rappers My wife was also planning on coming but
she decided to stay home since she wasnrsquot feeling well and didnrsquot
want to push it Tat night was incredible I had the opportunity
to do a thirty-minute set in front of over thirteen thousand
people Te response was amazing and I was on a spiritual high
We drove home from Orlando to ampa that night and arrived
after am Instead of my wife being fast asleep she was
awake and very sickmdashshe didnrsquot look good Tis night that
started out as one of the best of my life soon turned into one of
the worst Shortly after am I rushed her to the hospital
where we soon found out that we lost our baby Words canrsquotdescribe that feeling words on a page or a screen could never
articulate it
After Lucyrsquos miscarriage the doctors discovered that she had
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RB
a large ovarian cyst that might have caused it A few months
later the cyst grew so large that she would have to have major
surgery to remove it We were still recovering from losing our
child and now we had to sign legal hospital documents with the
understanding that my wife may never be able to have children
It was painful for both of us but we prayed and trusted
On April the doctors removed a cyst the size of a
baseball Te surgery was a huge success and four months later
Lucy was pregnant again Exactly one year later on April
the doctors performed the same incision (C-section) in my
wifersquos lower abdomen but this time they pulled out my daughter
Deyana Irsquove found that God loves to do things like that He lines
up situations and sometimes even dates to show us things We
donrsquot always understand why but he does it for our growth and
for his glory there is purpose in it God has brought healing tomy wife and me and blessed us with two healthy girls
Rebuilding is a process that takes time and intentionality
Wersquove met so many people who have lost an unborn child but
Irsquove never heard a song about this experience so one way I con-
fronted my pain was by writing a song about it Oftentimes
finding an outlet to channel pain in a healthy way can also help
others through theirs Te song was titled ldquoPurposerdquo and re-
leased on my Unorthodox album (You can access this song at
the Noisetrade link on the ldquoAdditional Rebuild Resourcesrdquo page at
the back of this book) As a result of recording the song Irsquove had
countless people share their stories of pain and loss with me What
we do with pain and what we learn from it is vital to our lives
When we rise above its isolating factor pain can connect people
Pain in Our Communities
I witnessed the pain in my city as I hung out on the basketball
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Confronting Our Pain
courts and visited the homes of teens that started coming to our
youth service and the basketball league we sponsored My heart
was grieved because over percent of them didnrsquot have a father
Many of their dads were locked up Some were around occa-
sionally while other teens had never met their dads at all Tis
isnrsquot unique to my city Tere is a male leadership crisis in the
urban community Itrsquos a generational cycle of sin and suffering
as people donrsquot follow Godrsquos instructions
One of the reasons our youth ministry grew to hundreds
was that we had so many male leaders of color that could
connect and relate to the teens we were reaching out to A lot
of our leaders were artists like myself We built our youth min-
istry around sports and the arts as this is what teens are influ-
enced by Each one of our leaders took several teens under
their wings to help rebuild their lives I regularly had teenstelling me they looked up to me as a father figure even though
at the time I was only a few years older than them We had
classes to help build their talent and their walk with Christ
including break dancing classes DJ classes art classes acting
MC (rapping) classes and more All of this was infused with
discipleship and life skills
By the time we entered our sixth year of youth ministry at the
church we were reaching hundreds of teens and young adults at
our Tursday night service Tis was amazing It was an anomaly
But we noticed we were doing a poor job at connecting them and
their families to our church on Sundays Tere was so much pain
and brokenness in our community yet most of these people
werenrsquot attending a church being discipled or receiving toolsand empowerment to help their families become healthier
We knew we had to rebuild the way we did church on Sundays
if we were truly going to meet the needs of our community As
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RB
I became the pastor I had a lot of questions What would that
look like Who else was reaching an audience of young families
in a multiethnic urban environment We couldnrsquot find any
models at the time so we had to carefully and prayerfully begin
the rebuilding process ourselves We looked to God mentors
books and other churches to piece the puzzle together
It would have been much easier to try to attract a crowd that
was more stable and more affluent but thatrsquos not who we were
called to reach Like Nehemiah sometimes God calls us to re-
build people that others have learned to ignore As we followed
Godrsquos lead we watched him blow our minds over the next few
years Soon he brought us to the point where we outgrew our
little facility We were forced to confront our pain as a church
as several of the neighbors rose up against us Tey called the
police and reported us to the city every chance they got Wetried to be courteous We sent letters gift cards met with
some of them and even visited them when they were sick
Some of this helped but ultimately our church was bringing a
lot of noise and traffic into the middle of a residential neigh-
borhood We didnrsquot want to frustrate our neighbors and we
knew that Godrsquos vision of rebuilding our city was much larger
than that location
Nehemiah was unattached to the hurting people within the
crumbling walls of Jerusalem but he was still broken by their
pain and suffering Tere are hurting people all over in our
neighborhood our city our state our country and overseas My
prayer is that God will break our hearts with compassion for
those he calls us to reach Pain and loss has the power to connecthurting people when we allow God to soften our hearts and
work through our suffering Like Nehemiah going before the
king we must trust God with the tough situations in life act in
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Confronting Our Pain
obedience and wait for his timing We must confront our pain
Tat is when our own rebuilding begins to take place Oppo-
sition is bound to come in one form or another and we cannot
always rely on other people to get the job done but even then
God gives us the ability to stay positive trust in him and keep
on building
Building Blocks
bull Your LifemdashIdentify some personal pain that you havenrsquot con-
fronted How has that been affecting you What are the next
steps you need to take to rebuild
bull Your ChurchmdashWhat are some sources of pain in your
church Is there anything that has been causing conflict How
can God use you to bring reconciliation and healing so your
church can be rebuilt even stronger
bull Your WorldmdashWhat is one issue in your city that has been
painful for many people (for example homelessness sex traf-
ficking poverty fatherlessness etc) How can you or your
small group or your church assist people give them hope and
help them rebuild
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RB
way there my mind flashed back to all the great memories we
shared as teenagers and young adults Te pain of unexpected
loss was overwhelming
Te next few days were bittersweet as I reconnected with
several people I hadnrsquot seen in years while mourning the death
of one of my closet friends At the time I was fresh out of Bible
college and had just started youth pastoring in ampa Given
that I was in ministry I received lots of questions from my
friends and extended family and all of a sudden I was the coun-
selormdashthough I felt like I needed some counseling myself Tere
were a lot of tears as God broke my heart with compassion for
these people that I had done life with while growing up I saw
their enormous pain and I shared it
Before hearing the devastating news of my friendrsquos death
things in my life were going great I was a newlywed enjoyingmy new life with Lucy in our first real apartment I was on this
new journey as a youth pastor and our youth group had al-
ready grown from four girls to a couple dozen kids in just a few
months On top of that I was enjoying my first winter in
Florida as a permanent resident It felt like I was in paradise
living the dream
Nehemiahrsquos life was great before he received some life-
changing news too He was living in the palacemdashin paradise
living the dream As the royal cupbearer he had access to the
finest of food and wines in the kingdom Ten he got the phone
call Hanani told him about the condition of the Hebrew people
his people and the walls of Jerusalem they had been destroyed
and his people were in great distress It rocked him to his coreand his heart was broken with compassion ldquoWhen I heard this
I sat down and wept In fact for days I mourned fasted and
prayed to the God of heavenrdquo (Nehemiah )
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Confronting Our Pain
Nehemiah was part of the Jewish population that had been
displaced after the Babylonians conquered them Terefore he
was disconnected from what was happening back in Jerusalem
and could have easily gotten over this feeling of compassion for
the people He could have just shed a tear for his people and
returned to life in the palace but God wouldnrsquot let him He was
rebuilt When you are truly rebuilt God regularly takes you out
of your comfort zone as you are called to help others rebuild
I was disconnected from what was happening up in Philly I
hadnrsquot lived there in many years so I could have shed a few tears
made a phone call or two sent a sympathy card and stayed in
Florida But I knew I needed to get uncomfortable go back and
confront my pain
Living in a sin-sick world we are destined to experience
brokenness pain and failures Rebuilding will and must be a partof the maintenance of your soul We have many people we call
family whether they are blood related or not and they have
brokenness flaws and issues just like we do If we really love
them and care about them like we say we do then we must be a
part of helping them rebuild their lives as wellmdashthatrsquos what real
family does No matter what city we live in there will be problems
because people live there and people will always have problems
Rebuilding is hard rebuilding is necessary and sometimes God
has to break us down in order to build something greater
When we have an encounter with the Creator of the universe
and start a relationship with him the Scriptures say we are a new
creation We are rebuilt We still have the same body and still
have gone through the same things but we are rebuilt and re-wired on the inside We are renewed When we experience this
incredible miracle we have a responsibility and a new built-in
compassion to share it with others and see that same renewal
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RB
happen in our family and in our community around us even if
it means getting uncomfortable
Nehemiah confronted his pain and something amazing began
to happenmdashhe prayed and repented
Listen to my prayer Look down and see me praying night
and day for your people Israel I confess that we have
sinned against you Yes even my own family and I have
sinned We have sinned terribly by not obeying the com-
mands decrees and regulations that you gave us through
your servant Moses (Nehemiah -)
Nehemiah made the fall of Jerusalem personal and took respon-
sibility It wasnrsquot his fault that his people went into captivity
seventy years earliermdashhe wasnrsquot even born yet Yet he still took
responsibility for this national sin It was personal and national
We donrsquot really know about that do we Most of us probably
know about individual repentance but when was the last time
we confessed the sins of our family friends church city and
nation We live in a very individualistic society Our culture has
taught us to only worry about ourselves but the Bible says we
are our brotherrsquos keeper
Te death of my close friend caused me to ask for repentance
for my friends and extended family It caused me to ask for re-
pentance for my generation and the urban culture to which I was
connected and called to minister It caused me to ask for per-
sonal repentance
My friendrsquos funeral was a very difficult time for me Tank
God his parentsrsquo pastor officiated the service but being ldquoTeYouth Pastor Guyrdquo I was asked by the family to share some words
on behalf of all of his friends (I was the public speaker of the
crew) It was one of the toughest speeches Irsquove ever made be-
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Confronting Our Pain
cause Irsquom not the type of cat to sugarcoat thingsmdashI just canrsquot Irsquom
tactful but I canrsquot get up there and lie In fact I hate when
preachers get up at funerals and say ldquoWe all know they are in a
better place now rdquo when everyone at the funeral knows they
were far from God Itrsquos not my place to judge my dead friend but
from most things I had seen in his life there didnrsquot seem to be
any real evidence of him following Christ Irsquom pretty sure he had
made some type of commitment to God when we were teen-
agers but it was all kind of fuzzy and I just wasnrsquot sure I couldnrsquot
get up there with confidence and say I knew wersquod see him again
because I was torn conflicted and fearful that I might not In-
stead I stumbled through talking about some memories we
shared and how much wersquod miss him
In my heart I repented for not saying more to my friend Scott
If I had only known that the very last time I would see my friendwas at my wedding reception I would have pulled him aside and
pleaded with him to get right with Christmdashbut I canrsquot turn back
time it doesnrsquot work like that Despite the feeling of regret I had
God used this event in my life as a catalyst When you confront
your pain God can use it to fuel your energy toward your calling
and your future I knew I was called to rebuild the city but this
put a new fire under me It reminded me that I never knew if the
conversation the sermon or the song I shared with someone
would be the last one that they would hear It put a new level of
compassion in me I wasnrsquot called to go back to Philly and re-
build but to go back to this new city where God had planted me
I was on a mission to rebuild it
When Pain Hits Home
Tis book isnrsquot meant to comfort you but hopefully wake up the
leader inside of you oo many of us have become numb to pain
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RB
and others have been literally paralyzed by it I pray that God
will use the words on these pages like some paddles zapping new
life into your chest Our generation knows pain and connects
with it but many times we never really confront it grow from it
or truly move forwardmdashwe usually just get stuck as we marinate
in it
Growing up in an urban environment I saw a lot of drama
and experienced the painful loss of a few friends However the
dangers tragedy and pain had never penetrated the walls of my
immediate family I was fortunate enough to have a solid family
my parents truly loved God and each other and created a great
home environment for my sister and me Even though there
was all this craziness around us my immediate family always
served as an oasis in the middle of the urban desert I lived and
served inTat all changed on a Tursday night in March of On
this night pain invaded my personal space like never before My
wife and I received a phone call and heard that my father had a
massive brain aneurysm I was in a state of shock How could
this be My father was healthy My father was young He had no
previous health conditions My father was a man of God in min-
istrymdasha pastor for over thirty years A few hours later my wife
and I were on a plane headed to Pittsburgh My father had been
placed in the trauma unit at the cityrsquos largest hospital His con-
dition was critical and he had flatlined a few times which re-
sulted in a coma and life support Te doctors said he probably
would not make itmdashthere were so many complicationsmdashbut I
was praying that God would save his life Te request seemedhopeless
Nehemiahrsquos request seemed hopeless too As he prayed re-
pented and fasted it became more and more personal for him
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Confronting Our Pain
God answered by telling him to leave and go rebuild the citymdasha
seemingly impossible task that would require approval by the
king of the nation that had conquered Nehemiahrsquos people Why
would the king want to send one of his most trusted servants to
go lead a project that he had no interest in In fact the king had
previously ordered that Jerusalem not be rebuilt If the king
denied Nehemiahrsquos request he could have him killed It was an
intense situation but God gave Nehemiah peace
I found myself in that hospital in Pittsburgh going through
the most intense situation of my life We stayed at the hospital
several days Itrsquos hard to sleep in the middle of a crisis and even
more difficult when you are trying to catch some zrsquos in a hospital
waiting room so I spent a lot of time in the chapel those nights
Early one morning around am I was on my face seeking
God when I suddenly felt a peace and knew that everythingwould be okay I felt Godrsquos presence comforting me and it re-
stored my confidence in his ability to do the impossible (when
you are in the middle of a painful experience itrsquos easy to forget
that God can handle it)
Nehemiah prayed that God would grant him favor with the
kingmdashsomething that didnrsquot happen right away it took months
for the right moment to come along Sometimes we act too soon
too late or we donrsquot do anything at all We have to build dis-
cernment from Godrsquos Spirit to know when to make a move Ne-
hemiah was tuned in to know that moment was upon him He
was serving the king some wine when the king noticed that
Nehemiah wasnrsquot himself ldquoSo the king asked me lsquoWhy are
you looking so sad You donrsquot look sick to me You must bedeeply troubledrsquordquo (Nehemiah ) Nehemiah was nervous but
he shared his heart for rebuilding the city of his people He
knew this was the moment when everything weighed in the
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RB
balance Either he could lose his trust his job and maybe even
his life or this confrontation could lead to a rebuilding journey
that would change history Te king asked a few questions
looked over at the queen and decided to grant his request It was
truly a miracle God had granted Nehemiah favor
Te situation with my father has been a difficult one over the
past decade But God did assure me in that hospital chapel that
everything would be okay Although they didnrsquot happen right
away God has done some miracles in my family Tis has been
a rebuilding journey that has changed history for a lot of people
Te doctors said my father would probably not make it and if he
did he would just be a vegetable on life support Tey were
wrong After three months he came out of the coma came off
life support and was able to talk and regain some of his memory
and movement His situationrsquos still a challenge as he is in anursing home facility requiring twenty-four-hour care but he
has come a long way More importantly he is still with us and
God has taught my family a lot through it We didnrsquot turn our
backs on God and run from this With his grace we learned to
confront it walk through it wrestle with it and grow through it
Yes we were crushed through this traumatic experience but
God has rebuilt us even stronger Wersquove learned he is sovereign
and we now have an even deeper trust in him We believe God
can heal my father though that may not be his plan and thatrsquos
okay too
When the Best Day Ever Turns into the Worst Day Ever
My hope lies in the life ahead where wersquoll be permanently re-built where we canrsquot suffer from a stroke or get cancer or have
an aneurism Itrsquos a place where we wonrsquot have to confront pain
or suffer from lossmdashwhere wersquoll be reunited with those wersquove
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8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
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Confronting Our Pain
lost Wersquove all lost some people that we deeply care about
friends grandparents parents and even children
In early I had just taken the position as lead pastor at
Crossover Church Honestly I got pushed into it and said yes out
of necessity Te youth ministry I was leading was flourishing
with hundreds coming but there were only a handful of people
attending on Sundays the church was floundering We experi-
enced a lot of change transition uncertainty hope and ex-
citement all at the same time In the midst of all of it my wife
Lucy surprised me one night with a romantic dinner After we
ate she handed me a card with a sonogram picture of our baby
inside I was in tears We had been married over six years and
now were ready to take the next step and become parents
A few weeks after I got this incredible news from my wife I
had a concert in Orlando at the arena that is the home of theMagic As a hip-hop artist I regularly perform and speak at many
events I had my entire team there a DJ some break dancers and
a few other rappers My wife was also planning on coming but
she decided to stay home since she wasnrsquot feeling well and didnrsquot
want to push it Tat night was incredible I had the opportunity
to do a thirty-minute set in front of over thirteen thousand
people Te response was amazing and I was on a spiritual high
We drove home from Orlando to ampa that night and arrived
after am Instead of my wife being fast asleep she was
awake and very sickmdashshe didnrsquot look good Tis night that
started out as one of the best of my life soon turned into one of
the worst Shortly after am I rushed her to the hospital
where we soon found out that we lost our baby Words canrsquotdescribe that feeling words on a page or a screen could never
articulate it
After Lucyrsquos miscarriage the doctors discovered that she had
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
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RB
a large ovarian cyst that might have caused it A few months
later the cyst grew so large that she would have to have major
surgery to remove it We were still recovering from losing our
child and now we had to sign legal hospital documents with the
understanding that my wife may never be able to have children
It was painful for both of us but we prayed and trusted
On April the doctors removed a cyst the size of a
baseball Te surgery was a huge success and four months later
Lucy was pregnant again Exactly one year later on April
the doctors performed the same incision (C-section) in my
wifersquos lower abdomen but this time they pulled out my daughter
Deyana Irsquove found that God loves to do things like that He lines
up situations and sometimes even dates to show us things We
donrsquot always understand why but he does it for our growth and
for his glory there is purpose in it God has brought healing tomy wife and me and blessed us with two healthy girls
Rebuilding is a process that takes time and intentionality
Wersquove met so many people who have lost an unborn child but
Irsquove never heard a song about this experience so one way I con-
fronted my pain was by writing a song about it Oftentimes
finding an outlet to channel pain in a healthy way can also help
others through theirs Te song was titled ldquoPurposerdquo and re-
leased on my Unorthodox album (You can access this song at
the Noisetrade link on the ldquoAdditional Rebuild Resourcesrdquo page at
the back of this book) As a result of recording the song Irsquove had
countless people share their stories of pain and loss with me What
we do with pain and what we learn from it is vital to our lives
When we rise above its isolating factor pain can connect people
Pain in Our Communities
I witnessed the pain in my city as I hung out on the basketball
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 1922
Confronting Our Pain
courts and visited the homes of teens that started coming to our
youth service and the basketball league we sponsored My heart
was grieved because over percent of them didnrsquot have a father
Many of their dads were locked up Some were around occa-
sionally while other teens had never met their dads at all Tis
isnrsquot unique to my city Tere is a male leadership crisis in the
urban community Itrsquos a generational cycle of sin and suffering
as people donrsquot follow Godrsquos instructions
One of the reasons our youth ministry grew to hundreds
was that we had so many male leaders of color that could
connect and relate to the teens we were reaching out to A lot
of our leaders were artists like myself We built our youth min-
istry around sports and the arts as this is what teens are influ-
enced by Each one of our leaders took several teens under
their wings to help rebuild their lives I regularly had teenstelling me they looked up to me as a father figure even though
at the time I was only a few years older than them We had
classes to help build their talent and their walk with Christ
including break dancing classes DJ classes art classes acting
MC (rapping) classes and more All of this was infused with
discipleship and life skills
By the time we entered our sixth year of youth ministry at the
church we were reaching hundreds of teens and young adults at
our Tursday night service Tis was amazing It was an anomaly
But we noticed we were doing a poor job at connecting them and
their families to our church on Sundays Tere was so much pain
and brokenness in our community yet most of these people
werenrsquot attending a church being discipled or receiving toolsand empowerment to help their families become healthier
We knew we had to rebuild the way we did church on Sundays
if we were truly going to meet the needs of our community As
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8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
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RB
I became the pastor I had a lot of questions What would that
look like Who else was reaching an audience of young families
in a multiethnic urban environment We couldnrsquot find any
models at the time so we had to carefully and prayerfully begin
the rebuilding process ourselves We looked to God mentors
books and other churches to piece the puzzle together
It would have been much easier to try to attract a crowd that
was more stable and more affluent but thatrsquos not who we were
called to reach Like Nehemiah sometimes God calls us to re-
build people that others have learned to ignore As we followed
Godrsquos lead we watched him blow our minds over the next few
years Soon he brought us to the point where we outgrew our
little facility We were forced to confront our pain as a church
as several of the neighbors rose up against us Tey called the
police and reported us to the city every chance they got Wetried to be courteous We sent letters gift cards met with
some of them and even visited them when they were sick
Some of this helped but ultimately our church was bringing a
lot of noise and traffic into the middle of a residential neigh-
borhood We didnrsquot want to frustrate our neighbors and we
knew that Godrsquos vision of rebuilding our city was much larger
than that location
Nehemiah was unattached to the hurting people within the
crumbling walls of Jerusalem but he was still broken by their
pain and suffering Tere are hurting people all over in our
neighborhood our city our state our country and overseas My
prayer is that God will break our hearts with compassion for
those he calls us to reach Pain and loss has the power to connecthurting people when we allow God to soften our hearts and
work through our suffering Like Nehemiah going before the
king we must trust God with the tough situations in life act in
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8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
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Confronting Our Pain
obedience and wait for his timing We must confront our pain
Tat is when our own rebuilding begins to take place Oppo-
sition is bound to come in one form or another and we cannot
always rely on other people to get the job done but even then
God gives us the ability to stay positive trust in him and keep
on building
Building Blocks
bull Your LifemdashIdentify some personal pain that you havenrsquot con-
fronted How has that been affecting you What are the next
steps you need to take to rebuild
bull Your ChurchmdashWhat are some sources of pain in your
church Is there anything that has been causing conflict How
can God use you to bring reconciliation and healing so your
church can be rebuilt even stronger
bull Your WorldmdashWhat is one issue in your city that has been
painful for many people (for example homelessness sex traf-
ficking poverty fatherlessness etc) How can you or your
small group or your church assist people give them hope and
help them rebuild
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8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
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8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 1122
Confronting Our Pain
Nehemiah was part of the Jewish population that had been
displaced after the Babylonians conquered them Terefore he
was disconnected from what was happening back in Jerusalem
and could have easily gotten over this feeling of compassion for
the people He could have just shed a tear for his people and
returned to life in the palace but God wouldnrsquot let him He was
rebuilt When you are truly rebuilt God regularly takes you out
of your comfort zone as you are called to help others rebuild
I was disconnected from what was happening up in Philly I
hadnrsquot lived there in many years so I could have shed a few tears
made a phone call or two sent a sympathy card and stayed in
Florida But I knew I needed to get uncomfortable go back and
confront my pain
Living in a sin-sick world we are destined to experience
brokenness pain and failures Rebuilding will and must be a partof the maintenance of your soul We have many people we call
family whether they are blood related or not and they have
brokenness flaws and issues just like we do If we really love
them and care about them like we say we do then we must be a
part of helping them rebuild their lives as wellmdashthatrsquos what real
family does No matter what city we live in there will be problems
because people live there and people will always have problems
Rebuilding is hard rebuilding is necessary and sometimes God
has to break us down in order to build something greater
When we have an encounter with the Creator of the universe
and start a relationship with him the Scriptures say we are a new
creation We are rebuilt We still have the same body and still
have gone through the same things but we are rebuilt and re-wired on the inside We are renewed When we experience this
incredible miracle we have a responsibility and a new built-in
compassion to share it with others and see that same renewal
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RB
happen in our family and in our community around us even if
it means getting uncomfortable
Nehemiah confronted his pain and something amazing began
to happenmdashhe prayed and repented
Listen to my prayer Look down and see me praying night
and day for your people Israel I confess that we have
sinned against you Yes even my own family and I have
sinned We have sinned terribly by not obeying the com-
mands decrees and regulations that you gave us through
your servant Moses (Nehemiah -)
Nehemiah made the fall of Jerusalem personal and took respon-
sibility It wasnrsquot his fault that his people went into captivity
seventy years earliermdashhe wasnrsquot even born yet Yet he still took
responsibility for this national sin It was personal and national
We donrsquot really know about that do we Most of us probably
know about individual repentance but when was the last time
we confessed the sins of our family friends church city and
nation We live in a very individualistic society Our culture has
taught us to only worry about ourselves but the Bible says we
are our brotherrsquos keeper
Te death of my close friend caused me to ask for repentance
for my friends and extended family It caused me to ask for re-
pentance for my generation and the urban culture to which I was
connected and called to minister It caused me to ask for per-
sonal repentance
My friendrsquos funeral was a very difficult time for me Tank
God his parentsrsquo pastor officiated the service but being ldquoTeYouth Pastor Guyrdquo I was asked by the family to share some words
on behalf of all of his friends (I was the public speaker of the
crew) It was one of the toughest speeches Irsquove ever made be-
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Confronting Our Pain
cause Irsquom not the type of cat to sugarcoat thingsmdashI just canrsquot Irsquom
tactful but I canrsquot get up there and lie In fact I hate when
preachers get up at funerals and say ldquoWe all know they are in a
better place now rdquo when everyone at the funeral knows they
were far from God Itrsquos not my place to judge my dead friend but
from most things I had seen in his life there didnrsquot seem to be
any real evidence of him following Christ Irsquom pretty sure he had
made some type of commitment to God when we were teen-
agers but it was all kind of fuzzy and I just wasnrsquot sure I couldnrsquot
get up there with confidence and say I knew wersquod see him again
because I was torn conflicted and fearful that I might not In-
stead I stumbled through talking about some memories we
shared and how much wersquod miss him
In my heart I repented for not saying more to my friend Scott
If I had only known that the very last time I would see my friendwas at my wedding reception I would have pulled him aside and
pleaded with him to get right with Christmdashbut I canrsquot turn back
time it doesnrsquot work like that Despite the feeling of regret I had
God used this event in my life as a catalyst When you confront
your pain God can use it to fuel your energy toward your calling
and your future I knew I was called to rebuild the city but this
put a new fire under me It reminded me that I never knew if the
conversation the sermon or the song I shared with someone
would be the last one that they would hear It put a new level of
compassion in me I wasnrsquot called to go back to Philly and re-
build but to go back to this new city where God had planted me
I was on a mission to rebuild it
When Pain Hits Home
Tis book isnrsquot meant to comfort you but hopefully wake up the
leader inside of you oo many of us have become numb to pain
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RB
and others have been literally paralyzed by it I pray that God
will use the words on these pages like some paddles zapping new
life into your chest Our generation knows pain and connects
with it but many times we never really confront it grow from it
or truly move forwardmdashwe usually just get stuck as we marinate
in it
Growing up in an urban environment I saw a lot of drama
and experienced the painful loss of a few friends However the
dangers tragedy and pain had never penetrated the walls of my
immediate family I was fortunate enough to have a solid family
my parents truly loved God and each other and created a great
home environment for my sister and me Even though there
was all this craziness around us my immediate family always
served as an oasis in the middle of the urban desert I lived and
served inTat all changed on a Tursday night in March of On
this night pain invaded my personal space like never before My
wife and I received a phone call and heard that my father had a
massive brain aneurysm I was in a state of shock How could
this be My father was healthy My father was young He had no
previous health conditions My father was a man of God in min-
istrymdasha pastor for over thirty years A few hours later my wife
and I were on a plane headed to Pittsburgh My father had been
placed in the trauma unit at the cityrsquos largest hospital His con-
dition was critical and he had flatlined a few times which re-
sulted in a coma and life support Te doctors said he probably
would not make itmdashthere were so many complicationsmdashbut I
was praying that God would save his life Te request seemedhopeless
Nehemiahrsquos request seemed hopeless too As he prayed re-
pented and fasted it became more and more personal for him
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Confronting Our Pain
God answered by telling him to leave and go rebuild the citymdasha
seemingly impossible task that would require approval by the
king of the nation that had conquered Nehemiahrsquos people Why
would the king want to send one of his most trusted servants to
go lead a project that he had no interest in In fact the king had
previously ordered that Jerusalem not be rebuilt If the king
denied Nehemiahrsquos request he could have him killed It was an
intense situation but God gave Nehemiah peace
I found myself in that hospital in Pittsburgh going through
the most intense situation of my life We stayed at the hospital
several days Itrsquos hard to sleep in the middle of a crisis and even
more difficult when you are trying to catch some zrsquos in a hospital
waiting room so I spent a lot of time in the chapel those nights
Early one morning around am I was on my face seeking
God when I suddenly felt a peace and knew that everythingwould be okay I felt Godrsquos presence comforting me and it re-
stored my confidence in his ability to do the impossible (when
you are in the middle of a painful experience itrsquos easy to forget
that God can handle it)
Nehemiah prayed that God would grant him favor with the
kingmdashsomething that didnrsquot happen right away it took months
for the right moment to come along Sometimes we act too soon
too late or we donrsquot do anything at all We have to build dis-
cernment from Godrsquos Spirit to know when to make a move Ne-
hemiah was tuned in to know that moment was upon him He
was serving the king some wine when the king noticed that
Nehemiah wasnrsquot himself ldquoSo the king asked me lsquoWhy are
you looking so sad You donrsquot look sick to me You must bedeeply troubledrsquordquo (Nehemiah ) Nehemiah was nervous but
he shared his heart for rebuilding the city of his people He
knew this was the moment when everything weighed in the
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RB
balance Either he could lose his trust his job and maybe even
his life or this confrontation could lead to a rebuilding journey
that would change history Te king asked a few questions
looked over at the queen and decided to grant his request It was
truly a miracle God had granted Nehemiah favor
Te situation with my father has been a difficult one over the
past decade But God did assure me in that hospital chapel that
everything would be okay Although they didnrsquot happen right
away God has done some miracles in my family Tis has been
a rebuilding journey that has changed history for a lot of people
Te doctors said my father would probably not make it and if he
did he would just be a vegetable on life support Tey were
wrong After three months he came out of the coma came off
life support and was able to talk and regain some of his memory
and movement His situationrsquos still a challenge as he is in anursing home facility requiring twenty-four-hour care but he
has come a long way More importantly he is still with us and
God has taught my family a lot through it We didnrsquot turn our
backs on God and run from this With his grace we learned to
confront it walk through it wrestle with it and grow through it
Yes we were crushed through this traumatic experience but
God has rebuilt us even stronger Wersquove learned he is sovereign
and we now have an even deeper trust in him We believe God
can heal my father though that may not be his plan and thatrsquos
okay too
When the Best Day Ever Turns into the Worst Day Ever
My hope lies in the life ahead where wersquoll be permanently re-built where we canrsquot suffer from a stroke or get cancer or have
an aneurism Itrsquos a place where we wonrsquot have to confront pain
or suffer from lossmdashwhere wersquoll be reunited with those wersquove
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
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Confronting Our Pain
lost Wersquove all lost some people that we deeply care about
friends grandparents parents and even children
In early I had just taken the position as lead pastor at
Crossover Church Honestly I got pushed into it and said yes out
of necessity Te youth ministry I was leading was flourishing
with hundreds coming but there were only a handful of people
attending on Sundays the church was floundering We experi-
enced a lot of change transition uncertainty hope and ex-
citement all at the same time In the midst of all of it my wife
Lucy surprised me one night with a romantic dinner After we
ate she handed me a card with a sonogram picture of our baby
inside I was in tears We had been married over six years and
now were ready to take the next step and become parents
A few weeks after I got this incredible news from my wife I
had a concert in Orlando at the arena that is the home of theMagic As a hip-hop artist I regularly perform and speak at many
events I had my entire team there a DJ some break dancers and
a few other rappers My wife was also planning on coming but
she decided to stay home since she wasnrsquot feeling well and didnrsquot
want to push it Tat night was incredible I had the opportunity
to do a thirty-minute set in front of over thirteen thousand
people Te response was amazing and I was on a spiritual high
We drove home from Orlando to ampa that night and arrived
after am Instead of my wife being fast asleep she was
awake and very sickmdashshe didnrsquot look good Tis night that
started out as one of the best of my life soon turned into one of
the worst Shortly after am I rushed her to the hospital
where we soon found out that we lost our baby Words canrsquotdescribe that feeling words on a page or a screen could never
articulate it
After Lucyrsquos miscarriage the doctors discovered that she had
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 1822
RB
a large ovarian cyst that might have caused it A few months
later the cyst grew so large that she would have to have major
surgery to remove it We were still recovering from losing our
child and now we had to sign legal hospital documents with the
understanding that my wife may never be able to have children
It was painful for both of us but we prayed and trusted
On April the doctors removed a cyst the size of a
baseball Te surgery was a huge success and four months later
Lucy was pregnant again Exactly one year later on April
the doctors performed the same incision (C-section) in my
wifersquos lower abdomen but this time they pulled out my daughter
Deyana Irsquove found that God loves to do things like that He lines
up situations and sometimes even dates to show us things We
donrsquot always understand why but he does it for our growth and
for his glory there is purpose in it God has brought healing tomy wife and me and blessed us with two healthy girls
Rebuilding is a process that takes time and intentionality
Wersquove met so many people who have lost an unborn child but
Irsquove never heard a song about this experience so one way I con-
fronted my pain was by writing a song about it Oftentimes
finding an outlet to channel pain in a healthy way can also help
others through theirs Te song was titled ldquoPurposerdquo and re-
leased on my Unorthodox album (You can access this song at
the Noisetrade link on the ldquoAdditional Rebuild Resourcesrdquo page at
the back of this book) As a result of recording the song Irsquove had
countless people share their stories of pain and loss with me What
we do with pain and what we learn from it is vital to our lives
When we rise above its isolating factor pain can connect people
Pain in Our Communities
I witnessed the pain in my city as I hung out on the basketball
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 1922
Confronting Our Pain
courts and visited the homes of teens that started coming to our
youth service and the basketball league we sponsored My heart
was grieved because over percent of them didnrsquot have a father
Many of their dads were locked up Some were around occa-
sionally while other teens had never met their dads at all Tis
isnrsquot unique to my city Tere is a male leadership crisis in the
urban community Itrsquos a generational cycle of sin and suffering
as people donrsquot follow Godrsquos instructions
One of the reasons our youth ministry grew to hundreds
was that we had so many male leaders of color that could
connect and relate to the teens we were reaching out to A lot
of our leaders were artists like myself We built our youth min-
istry around sports and the arts as this is what teens are influ-
enced by Each one of our leaders took several teens under
their wings to help rebuild their lives I regularly had teenstelling me they looked up to me as a father figure even though
at the time I was only a few years older than them We had
classes to help build their talent and their walk with Christ
including break dancing classes DJ classes art classes acting
MC (rapping) classes and more All of this was infused with
discipleship and life skills
By the time we entered our sixth year of youth ministry at the
church we were reaching hundreds of teens and young adults at
our Tursday night service Tis was amazing It was an anomaly
But we noticed we were doing a poor job at connecting them and
their families to our church on Sundays Tere was so much pain
and brokenness in our community yet most of these people
werenrsquot attending a church being discipled or receiving toolsand empowerment to help their families become healthier
We knew we had to rebuild the way we did church on Sundays
if we were truly going to meet the needs of our community As
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8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
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RB
I became the pastor I had a lot of questions What would that
look like Who else was reaching an audience of young families
in a multiethnic urban environment We couldnrsquot find any
models at the time so we had to carefully and prayerfully begin
the rebuilding process ourselves We looked to God mentors
books and other churches to piece the puzzle together
It would have been much easier to try to attract a crowd that
was more stable and more affluent but thatrsquos not who we were
called to reach Like Nehemiah sometimes God calls us to re-
build people that others have learned to ignore As we followed
Godrsquos lead we watched him blow our minds over the next few
years Soon he brought us to the point where we outgrew our
little facility We were forced to confront our pain as a church
as several of the neighbors rose up against us Tey called the
police and reported us to the city every chance they got Wetried to be courteous We sent letters gift cards met with
some of them and even visited them when they were sick
Some of this helped but ultimately our church was bringing a
lot of noise and traffic into the middle of a residential neigh-
borhood We didnrsquot want to frustrate our neighbors and we
knew that Godrsquos vision of rebuilding our city was much larger
than that location
Nehemiah was unattached to the hurting people within the
crumbling walls of Jerusalem but he was still broken by their
pain and suffering Tere are hurting people all over in our
neighborhood our city our state our country and overseas My
prayer is that God will break our hearts with compassion for
those he calls us to reach Pain and loss has the power to connecthurting people when we allow God to soften our hearts and
work through our suffering Like Nehemiah going before the
king we must trust God with the tough situations in life act in
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
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Confronting Our Pain
obedience and wait for his timing We must confront our pain
Tat is when our own rebuilding begins to take place Oppo-
sition is bound to come in one form or another and we cannot
always rely on other people to get the job done but even then
God gives us the ability to stay positive trust in him and keep
on building
Building Blocks
bull Your LifemdashIdentify some personal pain that you havenrsquot con-
fronted How has that been affecting you What are the next
steps you need to take to rebuild
bull Your ChurchmdashWhat are some sources of pain in your
church Is there anything that has been causing conflict How
can God use you to bring reconciliation and healing so your
church can be rebuilt even stronger
bull Your WorldmdashWhat is one issue in your city that has been
painful for many people (for example homelessness sex traf-
ficking poverty fatherlessness etc) How can you or your
small group or your church assist people give them hope and
help them rebuild
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8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 2222
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
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RB
happen in our family and in our community around us even if
it means getting uncomfortable
Nehemiah confronted his pain and something amazing began
to happenmdashhe prayed and repented
Listen to my prayer Look down and see me praying night
and day for your people Israel I confess that we have
sinned against you Yes even my own family and I have
sinned We have sinned terribly by not obeying the com-
mands decrees and regulations that you gave us through
your servant Moses (Nehemiah -)
Nehemiah made the fall of Jerusalem personal and took respon-
sibility It wasnrsquot his fault that his people went into captivity
seventy years earliermdashhe wasnrsquot even born yet Yet he still took
responsibility for this national sin It was personal and national
We donrsquot really know about that do we Most of us probably
know about individual repentance but when was the last time
we confessed the sins of our family friends church city and
nation We live in a very individualistic society Our culture has
taught us to only worry about ourselves but the Bible says we
are our brotherrsquos keeper
Te death of my close friend caused me to ask for repentance
for my friends and extended family It caused me to ask for re-
pentance for my generation and the urban culture to which I was
connected and called to minister It caused me to ask for per-
sonal repentance
My friendrsquos funeral was a very difficult time for me Tank
God his parentsrsquo pastor officiated the service but being ldquoTeYouth Pastor Guyrdquo I was asked by the family to share some words
on behalf of all of his friends (I was the public speaker of the
crew) It was one of the toughest speeches Irsquove ever made be-
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8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
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Confronting Our Pain
cause Irsquom not the type of cat to sugarcoat thingsmdashI just canrsquot Irsquom
tactful but I canrsquot get up there and lie In fact I hate when
preachers get up at funerals and say ldquoWe all know they are in a
better place now rdquo when everyone at the funeral knows they
were far from God Itrsquos not my place to judge my dead friend but
from most things I had seen in his life there didnrsquot seem to be
any real evidence of him following Christ Irsquom pretty sure he had
made some type of commitment to God when we were teen-
agers but it was all kind of fuzzy and I just wasnrsquot sure I couldnrsquot
get up there with confidence and say I knew wersquod see him again
because I was torn conflicted and fearful that I might not In-
stead I stumbled through talking about some memories we
shared and how much wersquod miss him
In my heart I repented for not saying more to my friend Scott
If I had only known that the very last time I would see my friendwas at my wedding reception I would have pulled him aside and
pleaded with him to get right with Christmdashbut I canrsquot turn back
time it doesnrsquot work like that Despite the feeling of regret I had
God used this event in my life as a catalyst When you confront
your pain God can use it to fuel your energy toward your calling
and your future I knew I was called to rebuild the city but this
put a new fire under me It reminded me that I never knew if the
conversation the sermon or the song I shared with someone
would be the last one that they would hear It put a new level of
compassion in me I wasnrsquot called to go back to Philly and re-
build but to go back to this new city where God had planted me
I was on a mission to rebuild it
When Pain Hits Home
Tis book isnrsquot meant to comfort you but hopefully wake up the
leader inside of you oo many of us have become numb to pain
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 1422
RB
and others have been literally paralyzed by it I pray that God
will use the words on these pages like some paddles zapping new
life into your chest Our generation knows pain and connects
with it but many times we never really confront it grow from it
or truly move forwardmdashwe usually just get stuck as we marinate
in it
Growing up in an urban environment I saw a lot of drama
and experienced the painful loss of a few friends However the
dangers tragedy and pain had never penetrated the walls of my
immediate family I was fortunate enough to have a solid family
my parents truly loved God and each other and created a great
home environment for my sister and me Even though there
was all this craziness around us my immediate family always
served as an oasis in the middle of the urban desert I lived and
served inTat all changed on a Tursday night in March of On
this night pain invaded my personal space like never before My
wife and I received a phone call and heard that my father had a
massive brain aneurysm I was in a state of shock How could
this be My father was healthy My father was young He had no
previous health conditions My father was a man of God in min-
istrymdasha pastor for over thirty years A few hours later my wife
and I were on a plane headed to Pittsburgh My father had been
placed in the trauma unit at the cityrsquos largest hospital His con-
dition was critical and he had flatlined a few times which re-
sulted in a coma and life support Te doctors said he probably
would not make itmdashthere were so many complicationsmdashbut I
was praying that God would save his life Te request seemedhopeless
Nehemiahrsquos request seemed hopeless too As he prayed re-
pented and fasted it became more and more personal for him
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
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Confronting Our Pain
God answered by telling him to leave and go rebuild the citymdasha
seemingly impossible task that would require approval by the
king of the nation that had conquered Nehemiahrsquos people Why
would the king want to send one of his most trusted servants to
go lead a project that he had no interest in In fact the king had
previously ordered that Jerusalem not be rebuilt If the king
denied Nehemiahrsquos request he could have him killed It was an
intense situation but God gave Nehemiah peace
I found myself in that hospital in Pittsburgh going through
the most intense situation of my life We stayed at the hospital
several days Itrsquos hard to sleep in the middle of a crisis and even
more difficult when you are trying to catch some zrsquos in a hospital
waiting room so I spent a lot of time in the chapel those nights
Early one morning around am I was on my face seeking
God when I suddenly felt a peace and knew that everythingwould be okay I felt Godrsquos presence comforting me and it re-
stored my confidence in his ability to do the impossible (when
you are in the middle of a painful experience itrsquos easy to forget
that God can handle it)
Nehemiah prayed that God would grant him favor with the
kingmdashsomething that didnrsquot happen right away it took months
for the right moment to come along Sometimes we act too soon
too late or we donrsquot do anything at all We have to build dis-
cernment from Godrsquos Spirit to know when to make a move Ne-
hemiah was tuned in to know that moment was upon him He
was serving the king some wine when the king noticed that
Nehemiah wasnrsquot himself ldquoSo the king asked me lsquoWhy are
you looking so sad You donrsquot look sick to me You must bedeeply troubledrsquordquo (Nehemiah ) Nehemiah was nervous but
he shared his heart for rebuilding the city of his people He
knew this was the moment when everything weighed in the
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
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RB
balance Either he could lose his trust his job and maybe even
his life or this confrontation could lead to a rebuilding journey
that would change history Te king asked a few questions
looked over at the queen and decided to grant his request It was
truly a miracle God had granted Nehemiah favor
Te situation with my father has been a difficult one over the
past decade But God did assure me in that hospital chapel that
everything would be okay Although they didnrsquot happen right
away God has done some miracles in my family Tis has been
a rebuilding journey that has changed history for a lot of people
Te doctors said my father would probably not make it and if he
did he would just be a vegetable on life support Tey were
wrong After three months he came out of the coma came off
life support and was able to talk and regain some of his memory
and movement His situationrsquos still a challenge as he is in anursing home facility requiring twenty-four-hour care but he
has come a long way More importantly he is still with us and
God has taught my family a lot through it We didnrsquot turn our
backs on God and run from this With his grace we learned to
confront it walk through it wrestle with it and grow through it
Yes we were crushed through this traumatic experience but
God has rebuilt us even stronger Wersquove learned he is sovereign
and we now have an even deeper trust in him We believe God
can heal my father though that may not be his plan and thatrsquos
okay too
When the Best Day Ever Turns into the Worst Day Ever
My hope lies in the life ahead where wersquoll be permanently re-built where we canrsquot suffer from a stroke or get cancer or have
an aneurism Itrsquos a place where we wonrsquot have to confront pain
or suffer from lossmdashwhere wersquoll be reunited with those wersquove
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
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Confronting Our Pain
lost Wersquove all lost some people that we deeply care about
friends grandparents parents and even children
In early I had just taken the position as lead pastor at
Crossover Church Honestly I got pushed into it and said yes out
of necessity Te youth ministry I was leading was flourishing
with hundreds coming but there were only a handful of people
attending on Sundays the church was floundering We experi-
enced a lot of change transition uncertainty hope and ex-
citement all at the same time In the midst of all of it my wife
Lucy surprised me one night with a romantic dinner After we
ate she handed me a card with a sonogram picture of our baby
inside I was in tears We had been married over six years and
now were ready to take the next step and become parents
A few weeks after I got this incredible news from my wife I
had a concert in Orlando at the arena that is the home of theMagic As a hip-hop artist I regularly perform and speak at many
events I had my entire team there a DJ some break dancers and
a few other rappers My wife was also planning on coming but
she decided to stay home since she wasnrsquot feeling well and didnrsquot
want to push it Tat night was incredible I had the opportunity
to do a thirty-minute set in front of over thirteen thousand
people Te response was amazing and I was on a spiritual high
We drove home from Orlando to ampa that night and arrived
after am Instead of my wife being fast asleep she was
awake and very sickmdashshe didnrsquot look good Tis night that
started out as one of the best of my life soon turned into one of
the worst Shortly after am I rushed her to the hospital
where we soon found out that we lost our baby Words canrsquotdescribe that feeling words on a page or a screen could never
articulate it
After Lucyrsquos miscarriage the doctors discovered that she had
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 1822
RB
a large ovarian cyst that might have caused it A few months
later the cyst grew so large that she would have to have major
surgery to remove it We were still recovering from losing our
child and now we had to sign legal hospital documents with the
understanding that my wife may never be able to have children
It was painful for both of us but we prayed and trusted
On April the doctors removed a cyst the size of a
baseball Te surgery was a huge success and four months later
Lucy was pregnant again Exactly one year later on April
the doctors performed the same incision (C-section) in my
wifersquos lower abdomen but this time they pulled out my daughter
Deyana Irsquove found that God loves to do things like that He lines
up situations and sometimes even dates to show us things We
donrsquot always understand why but he does it for our growth and
for his glory there is purpose in it God has brought healing tomy wife and me and blessed us with two healthy girls
Rebuilding is a process that takes time and intentionality
Wersquove met so many people who have lost an unborn child but
Irsquove never heard a song about this experience so one way I con-
fronted my pain was by writing a song about it Oftentimes
finding an outlet to channel pain in a healthy way can also help
others through theirs Te song was titled ldquoPurposerdquo and re-
leased on my Unorthodox album (You can access this song at
the Noisetrade link on the ldquoAdditional Rebuild Resourcesrdquo page at
the back of this book) As a result of recording the song Irsquove had
countless people share their stories of pain and loss with me What
we do with pain and what we learn from it is vital to our lives
When we rise above its isolating factor pain can connect people
Pain in Our Communities
I witnessed the pain in my city as I hung out on the basketball
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Confronting Our Pain
courts and visited the homes of teens that started coming to our
youth service and the basketball league we sponsored My heart
was grieved because over percent of them didnrsquot have a father
Many of their dads were locked up Some were around occa-
sionally while other teens had never met their dads at all Tis
isnrsquot unique to my city Tere is a male leadership crisis in the
urban community Itrsquos a generational cycle of sin and suffering
as people donrsquot follow Godrsquos instructions
One of the reasons our youth ministry grew to hundreds
was that we had so many male leaders of color that could
connect and relate to the teens we were reaching out to A lot
of our leaders were artists like myself We built our youth min-
istry around sports and the arts as this is what teens are influ-
enced by Each one of our leaders took several teens under
their wings to help rebuild their lives I regularly had teenstelling me they looked up to me as a father figure even though
at the time I was only a few years older than them We had
classes to help build their talent and their walk with Christ
including break dancing classes DJ classes art classes acting
MC (rapping) classes and more All of this was infused with
discipleship and life skills
By the time we entered our sixth year of youth ministry at the
church we were reaching hundreds of teens and young adults at
our Tursday night service Tis was amazing It was an anomaly
But we noticed we were doing a poor job at connecting them and
their families to our church on Sundays Tere was so much pain
and brokenness in our community yet most of these people
werenrsquot attending a church being discipled or receiving toolsand empowerment to help their families become healthier
We knew we had to rebuild the way we did church on Sundays
if we were truly going to meet the needs of our community As
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RB
I became the pastor I had a lot of questions What would that
look like Who else was reaching an audience of young families
in a multiethnic urban environment We couldnrsquot find any
models at the time so we had to carefully and prayerfully begin
the rebuilding process ourselves We looked to God mentors
books and other churches to piece the puzzle together
It would have been much easier to try to attract a crowd that
was more stable and more affluent but thatrsquos not who we were
called to reach Like Nehemiah sometimes God calls us to re-
build people that others have learned to ignore As we followed
Godrsquos lead we watched him blow our minds over the next few
years Soon he brought us to the point where we outgrew our
little facility We were forced to confront our pain as a church
as several of the neighbors rose up against us Tey called the
police and reported us to the city every chance they got Wetried to be courteous We sent letters gift cards met with
some of them and even visited them when they were sick
Some of this helped but ultimately our church was bringing a
lot of noise and traffic into the middle of a residential neigh-
borhood We didnrsquot want to frustrate our neighbors and we
knew that Godrsquos vision of rebuilding our city was much larger
than that location
Nehemiah was unattached to the hurting people within the
crumbling walls of Jerusalem but he was still broken by their
pain and suffering Tere are hurting people all over in our
neighborhood our city our state our country and overseas My
prayer is that God will break our hearts with compassion for
those he calls us to reach Pain and loss has the power to connecthurting people when we allow God to soften our hearts and
work through our suffering Like Nehemiah going before the
king we must trust God with the tough situations in life act in
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Confronting Our Pain
obedience and wait for his timing We must confront our pain
Tat is when our own rebuilding begins to take place Oppo-
sition is bound to come in one form or another and we cannot
always rely on other people to get the job done but even then
God gives us the ability to stay positive trust in him and keep
on building
Building Blocks
bull Your LifemdashIdentify some personal pain that you havenrsquot con-
fronted How has that been affecting you What are the next
steps you need to take to rebuild
bull Your ChurchmdashWhat are some sources of pain in your
church Is there anything that has been causing conflict How
can God use you to bring reconciliation and healing so your
church can be rebuilt even stronger
bull Your WorldmdashWhat is one issue in your city that has been
painful for many people (for example homelessness sex traf-
ficking poverty fatherlessness etc) How can you or your
small group or your church assist people give them hope and
help them rebuild
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Confronting Our Pain
cause Irsquom not the type of cat to sugarcoat thingsmdashI just canrsquot Irsquom
tactful but I canrsquot get up there and lie In fact I hate when
preachers get up at funerals and say ldquoWe all know they are in a
better place now rdquo when everyone at the funeral knows they
were far from God Itrsquos not my place to judge my dead friend but
from most things I had seen in his life there didnrsquot seem to be
any real evidence of him following Christ Irsquom pretty sure he had
made some type of commitment to God when we were teen-
agers but it was all kind of fuzzy and I just wasnrsquot sure I couldnrsquot
get up there with confidence and say I knew wersquod see him again
because I was torn conflicted and fearful that I might not In-
stead I stumbled through talking about some memories we
shared and how much wersquod miss him
In my heart I repented for not saying more to my friend Scott
If I had only known that the very last time I would see my friendwas at my wedding reception I would have pulled him aside and
pleaded with him to get right with Christmdashbut I canrsquot turn back
time it doesnrsquot work like that Despite the feeling of regret I had
God used this event in my life as a catalyst When you confront
your pain God can use it to fuel your energy toward your calling
and your future I knew I was called to rebuild the city but this
put a new fire under me It reminded me that I never knew if the
conversation the sermon or the song I shared with someone
would be the last one that they would hear It put a new level of
compassion in me I wasnrsquot called to go back to Philly and re-
build but to go back to this new city where God had planted me
I was on a mission to rebuild it
When Pain Hits Home
Tis book isnrsquot meant to comfort you but hopefully wake up the
leader inside of you oo many of us have become numb to pain
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 1422
RB
and others have been literally paralyzed by it I pray that God
will use the words on these pages like some paddles zapping new
life into your chest Our generation knows pain and connects
with it but many times we never really confront it grow from it
or truly move forwardmdashwe usually just get stuck as we marinate
in it
Growing up in an urban environment I saw a lot of drama
and experienced the painful loss of a few friends However the
dangers tragedy and pain had never penetrated the walls of my
immediate family I was fortunate enough to have a solid family
my parents truly loved God and each other and created a great
home environment for my sister and me Even though there
was all this craziness around us my immediate family always
served as an oasis in the middle of the urban desert I lived and
served inTat all changed on a Tursday night in March of On
this night pain invaded my personal space like never before My
wife and I received a phone call and heard that my father had a
massive brain aneurysm I was in a state of shock How could
this be My father was healthy My father was young He had no
previous health conditions My father was a man of God in min-
istrymdasha pastor for over thirty years A few hours later my wife
and I were on a plane headed to Pittsburgh My father had been
placed in the trauma unit at the cityrsquos largest hospital His con-
dition was critical and he had flatlined a few times which re-
sulted in a coma and life support Te doctors said he probably
would not make itmdashthere were so many complicationsmdashbut I
was praying that God would save his life Te request seemedhopeless
Nehemiahrsquos request seemed hopeless too As he prayed re-
pented and fasted it became more and more personal for him
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8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 1522
Confronting Our Pain
God answered by telling him to leave and go rebuild the citymdasha
seemingly impossible task that would require approval by the
king of the nation that had conquered Nehemiahrsquos people Why
would the king want to send one of his most trusted servants to
go lead a project that he had no interest in In fact the king had
previously ordered that Jerusalem not be rebuilt If the king
denied Nehemiahrsquos request he could have him killed It was an
intense situation but God gave Nehemiah peace
I found myself in that hospital in Pittsburgh going through
the most intense situation of my life We stayed at the hospital
several days Itrsquos hard to sleep in the middle of a crisis and even
more difficult when you are trying to catch some zrsquos in a hospital
waiting room so I spent a lot of time in the chapel those nights
Early one morning around am I was on my face seeking
God when I suddenly felt a peace and knew that everythingwould be okay I felt Godrsquos presence comforting me and it re-
stored my confidence in his ability to do the impossible (when
you are in the middle of a painful experience itrsquos easy to forget
that God can handle it)
Nehemiah prayed that God would grant him favor with the
kingmdashsomething that didnrsquot happen right away it took months
for the right moment to come along Sometimes we act too soon
too late or we donrsquot do anything at all We have to build dis-
cernment from Godrsquos Spirit to know when to make a move Ne-
hemiah was tuned in to know that moment was upon him He
was serving the king some wine when the king noticed that
Nehemiah wasnrsquot himself ldquoSo the king asked me lsquoWhy are
you looking so sad You donrsquot look sick to me You must bedeeply troubledrsquordquo (Nehemiah ) Nehemiah was nervous but
he shared his heart for rebuilding the city of his people He
knew this was the moment when everything weighed in the
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 1622
RB
balance Either he could lose his trust his job and maybe even
his life or this confrontation could lead to a rebuilding journey
that would change history Te king asked a few questions
looked over at the queen and decided to grant his request It was
truly a miracle God had granted Nehemiah favor
Te situation with my father has been a difficult one over the
past decade But God did assure me in that hospital chapel that
everything would be okay Although they didnrsquot happen right
away God has done some miracles in my family Tis has been
a rebuilding journey that has changed history for a lot of people
Te doctors said my father would probably not make it and if he
did he would just be a vegetable on life support Tey were
wrong After three months he came out of the coma came off
life support and was able to talk and regain some of his memory
and movement His situationrsquos still a challenge as he is in anursing home facility requiring twenty-four-hour care but he
has come a long way More importantly he is still with us and
God has taught my family a lot through it We didnrsquot turn our
backs on God and run from this With his grace we learned to
confront it walk through it wrestle with it and grow through it
Yes we were crushed through this traumatic experience but
God has rebuilt us even stronger Wersquove learned he is sovereign
and we now have an even deeper trust in him We believe God
can heal my father though that may not be his plan and thatrsquos
okay too
When the Best Day Ever Turns into the Worst Day Ever
My hope lies in the life ahead where wersquoll be permanently re-built where we canrsquot suffer from a stroke or get cancer or have
an aneurism Itrsquos a place where we wonrsquot have to confront pain
or suffer from lossmdashwhere wersquoll be reunited with those wersquove
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 1722
Confronting Our Pain
lost Wersquove all lost some people that we deeply care about
friends grandparents parents and even children
In early I had just taken the position as lead pastor at
Crossover Church Honestly I got pushed into it and said yes out
of necessity Te youth ministry I was leading was flourishing
with hundreds coming but there were only a handful of people
attending on Sundays the church was floundering We experi-
enced a lot of change transition uncertainty hope and ex-
citement all at the same time In the midst of all of it my wife
Lucy surprised me one night with a romantic dinner After we
ate she handed me a card with a sonogram picture of our baby
inside I was in tears We had been married over six years and
now were ready to take the next step and become parents
A few weeks after I got this incredible news from my wife I
had a concert in Orlando at the arena that is the home of theMagic As a hip-hop artist I regularly perform and speak at many
events I had my entire team there a DJ some break dancers and
a few other rappers My wife was also planning on coming but
she decided to stay home since she wasnrsquot feeling well and didnrsquot
want to push it Tat night was incredible I had the opportunity
to do a thirty-minute set in front of over thirteen thousand
people Te response was amazing and I was on a spiritual high
We drove home from Orlando to ampa that night and arrived
after am Instead of my wife being fast asleep she was
awake and very sickmdashshe didnrsquot look good Tis night that
started out as one of the best of my life soon turned into one of
the worst Shortly after am I rushed her to the hospital
where we soon found out that we lost our baby Words canrsquotdescribe that feeling words on a page or a screen could never
articulate it
After Lucyrsquos miscarriage the doctors discovered that she had
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 1822
RB
a large ovarian cyst that might have caused it A few months
later the cyst grew so large that she would have to have major
surgery to remove it We were still recovering from losing our
child and now we had to sign legal hospital documents with the
understanding that my wife may never be able to have children
It was painful for both of us but we prayed and trusted
On April the doctors removed a cyst the size of a
baseball Te surgery was a huge success and four months later
Lucy was pregnant again Exactly one year later on April
the doctors performed the same incision (C-section) in my
wifersquos lower abdomen but this time they pulled out my daughter
Deyana Irsquove found that God loves to do things like that He lines
up situations and sometimes even dates to show us things We
donrsquot always understand why but he does it for our growth and
for his glory there is purpose in it God has brought healing tomy wife and me and blessed us with two healthy girls
Rebuilding is a process that takes time and intentionality
Wersquove met so many people who have lost an unborn child but
Irsquove never heard a song about this experience so one way I con-
fronted my pain was by writing a song about it Oftentimes
finding an outlet to channel pain in a healthy way can also help
others through theirs Te song was titled ldquoPurposerdquo and re-
leased on my Unorthodox album (You can access this song at
the Noisetrade link on the ldquoAdditional Rebuild Resourcesrdquo page at
the back of this book) As a result of recording the song Irsquove had
countless people share their stories of pain and loss with me What
we do with pain and what we learn from it is vital to our lives
When we rise above its isolating factor pain can connect people
Pain in Our Communities
I witnessed the pain in my city as I hung out on the basketball
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 1922
Confronting Our Pain
courts and visited the homes of teens that started coming to our
youth service and the basketball league we sponsored My heart
was grieved because over percent of them didnrsquot have a father
Many of their dads were locked up Some were around occa-
sionally while other teens had never met their dads at all Tis
isnrsquot unique to my city Tere is a male leadership crisis in the
urban community Itrsquos a generational cycle of sin and suffering
as people donrsquot follow Godrsquos instructions
One of the reasons our youth ministry grew to hundreds
was that we had so many male leaders of color that could
connect and relate to the teens we were reaching out to A lot
of our leaders were artists like myself We built our youth min-
istry around sports and the arts as this is what teens are influ-
enced by Each one of our leaders took several teens under
their wings to help rebuild their lives I regularly had teenstelling me they looked up to me as a father figure even though
at the time I was only a few years older than them We had
classes to help build their talent and their walk with Christ
including break dancing classes DJ classes art classes acting
MC (rapping) classes and more All of this was infused with
discipleship and life skills
By the time we entered our sixth year of youth ministry at the
church we were reaching hundreds of teens and young adults at
our Tursday night service Tis was amazing It was an anomaly
But we noticed we were doing a poor job at connecting them and
their families to our church on Sundays Tere was so much pain
and brokenness in our community yet most of these people
werenrsquot attending a church being discipled or receiving toolsand empowerment to help their families become healthier
We knew we had to rebuild the way we did church on Sundays
if we were truly going to meet the needs of our community As
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 2022
RB
I became the pastor I had a lot of questions What would that
look like Who else was reaching an audience of young families
in a multiethnic urban environment We couldnrsquot find any
models at the time so we had to carefully and prayerfully begin
the rebuilding process ourselves We looked to God mentors
books and other churches to piece the puzzle together
It would have been much easier to try to attract a crowd that
was more stable and more affluent but thatrsquos not who we were
called to reach Like Nehemiah sometimes God calls us to re-
build people that others have learned to ignore As we followed
Godrsquos lead we watched him blow our minds over the next few
years Soon he brought us to the point where we outgrew our
little facility We were forced to confront our pain as a church
as several of the neighbors rose up against us Tey called the
police and reported us to the city every chance they got Wetried to be courteous We sent letters gift cards met with
some of them and even visited them when they were sick
Some of this helped but ultimately our church was bringing a
lot of noise and traffic into the middle of a residential neigh-
borhood We didnrsquot want to frustrate our neighbors and we
knew that Godrsquos vision of rebuilding our city was much larger
than that location
Nehemiah was unattached to the hurting people within the
crumbling walls of Jerusalem but he was still broken by their
pain and suffering Tere are hurting people all over in our
neighborhood our city our state our country and overseas My
prayer is that God will break our hearts with compassion for
those he calls us to reach Pain and loss has the power to connecthurting people when we allow God to soften our hearts and
work through our suffering Like Nehemiah going before the
king we must trust God with the tough situations in life act in
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 2122
Confronting Our Pain
obedience and wait for his timing We must confront our pain
Tat is when our own rebuilding begins to take place Oppo-
sition is bound to come in one form or another and we cannot
always rely on other people to get the job done but even then
God gives us the ability to stay positive trust in him and keep
on building
Building Blocks
bull Your LifemdashIdentify some personal pain that you havenrsquot con-
fronted How has that been affecting you What are the next
steps you need to take to rebuild
bull Your ChurchmdashWhat are some sources of pain in your
church Is there anything that has been causing conflict How
can God use you to bring reconciliation and healing so your
church can be rebuilt even stronger
bull Your WorldmdashWhat is one issue in your city that has been
painful for many people (for example homelessness sex traf-
ficking poverty fatherlessness etc) How can you or your
small group or your church assist people give them hope and
help them rebuild
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 2222
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 1422
RB
and others have been literally paralyzed by it I pray that God
will use the words on these pages like some paddles zapping new
life into your chest Our generation knows pain and connects
with it but many times we never really confront it grow from it
or truly move forwardmdashwe usually just get stuck as we marinate
in it
Growing up in an urban environment I saw a lot of drama
and experienced the painful loss of a few friends However the
dangers tragedy and pain had never penetrated the walls of my
immediate family I was fortunate enough to have a solid family
my parents truly loved God and each other and created a great
home environment for my sister and me Even though there
was all this craziness around us my immediate family always
served as an oasis in the middle of the urban desert I lived and
served inTat all changed on a Tursday night in March of On
this night pain invaded my personal space like never before My
wife and I received a phone call and heard that my father had a
massive brain aneurysm I was in a state of shock How could
this be My father was healthy My father was young He had no
previous health conditions My father was a man of God in min-
istrymdasha pastor for over thirty years A few hours later my wife
and I were on a plane headed to Pittsburgh My father had been
placed in the trauma unit at the cityrsquos largest hospital His con-
dition was critical and he had flatlined a few times which re-
sulted in a coma and life support Te doctors said he probably
would not make itmdashthere were so many complicationsmdashbut I
was praying that God would save his life Te request seemedhopeless
Nehemiahrsquos request seemed hopeless too As he prayed re-
pented and fasted it became more and more personal for him
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8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 1522
Confronting Our Pain
God answered by telling him to leave and go rebuild the citymdasha
seemingly impossible task that would require approval by the
king of the nation that had conquered Nehemiahrsquos people Why
would the king want to send one of his most trusted servants to
go lead a project that he had no interest in In fact the king had
previously ordered that Jerusalem not be rebuilt If the king
denied Nehemiahrsquos request he could have him killed It was an
intense situation but God gave Nehemiah peace
I found myself in that hospital in Pittsburgh going through
the most intense situation of my life We stayed at the hospital
several days Itrsquos hard to sleep in the middle of a crisis and even
more difficult when you are trying to catch some zrsquos in a hospital
waiting room so I spent a lot of time in the chapel those nights
Early one morning around am I was on my face seeking
God when I suddenly felt a peace and knew that everythingwould be okay I felt Godrsquos presence comforting me and it re-
stored my confidence in his ability to do the impossible (when
you are in the middle of a painful experience itrsquos easy to forget
that God can handle it)
Nehemiah prayed that God would grant him favor with the
kingmdashsomething that didnrsquot happen right away it took months
for the right moment to come along Sometimes we act too soon
too late or we donrsquot do anything at all We have to build dis-
cernment from Godrsquos Spirit to know when to make a move Ne-
hemiah was tuned in to know that moment was upon him He
was serving the king some wine when the king noticed that
Nehemiah wasnrsquot himself ldquoSo the king asked me lsquoWhy are
you looking so sad You donrsquot look sick to me You must bedeeply troubledrsquordquo (Nehemiah ) Nehemiah was nervous but
he shared his heart for rebuilding the city of his people He
knew this was the moment when everything weighed in the
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 1622
RB
balance Either he could lose his trust his job and maybe even
his life or this confrontation could lead to a rebuilding journey
that would change history Te king asked a few questions
looked over at the queen and decided to grant his request It was
truly a miracle God had granted Nehemiah favor
Te situation with my father has been a difficult one over the
past decade But God did assure me in that hospital chapel that
everything would be okay Although they didnrsquot happen right
away God has done some miracles in my family Tis has been
a rebuilding journey that has changed history for a lot of people
Te doctors said my father would probably not make it and if he
did he would just be a vegetable on life support Tey were
wrong After three months he came out of the coma came off
life support and was able to talk and regain some of his memory
and movement His situationrsquos still a challenge as he is in anursing home facility requiring twenty-four-hour care but he
has come a long way More importantly he is still with us and
God has taught my family a lot through it We didnrsquot turn our
backs on God and run from this With his grace we learned to
confront it walk through it wrestle with it and grow through it
Yes we were crushed through this traumatic experience but
God has rebuilt us even stronger Wersquove learned he is sovereign
and we now have an even deeper trust in him We believe God
can heal my father though that may not be his plan and thatrsquos
okay too
When the Best Day Ever Turns into the Worst Day Ever
My hope lies in the life ahead where wersquoll be permanently re-built where we canrsquot suffer from a stroke or get cancer or have
an aneurism Itrsquos a place where we wonrsquot have to confront pain
or suffer from lossmdashwhere wersquoll be reunited with those wersquove
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 1722
Confronting Our Pain
lost Wersquove all lost some people that we deeply care about
friends grandparents parents and even children
In early I had just taken the position as lead pastor at
Crossover Church Honestly I got pushed into it and said yes out
of necessity Te youth ministry I was leading was flourishing
with hundreds coming but there were only a handful of people
attending on Sundays the church was floundering We experi-
enced a lot of change transition uncertainty hope and ex-
citement all at the same time In the midst of all of it my wife
Lucy surprised me one night with a romantic dinner After we
ate she handed me a card with a sonogram picture of our baby
inside I was in tears We had been married over six years and
now were ready to take the next step and become parents
A few weeks after I got this incredible news from my wife I
had a concert in Orlando at the arena that is the home of theMagic As a hip-hop artist I regularly perform and speak at many
events I had my entire team there a DJ some break dancers and
a few other rappers My wife was also planning on coming but
she decided to stay home since she wasnrsquot feeling well and didnrsquot
want to push it Tat night was incredible I had the opportunity
to do a thirty-minute set in front of over thirteen thousand
people Te response was amazing and I was on a spiritual high
We drove home from Orlando to ampa that night and arrived
after am Instead of my wife being fast asleep she was
awake and very sickmdashshe didnrsquot look good Tis night that
started out as one of the best of my life soon turned into one of
the worst Shortly after am I rushed her to the hospital
where we soon found out that we lost our baby Words canrsquotdescribe that feeling words on a page or a screen could never
articulate it
After Lucyrsquos miscarriage the doctors discovered that she had
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 1822
RB
a large ovarian cyst that might have caused it A few months
later the cyst grew so large that she would have to have major
surgery to remove it We were still recovering from losing our
child and now we had to sign legal hospital documents with the
understanding that my wife may never be able to have children
It was painful for both of us but we prayed and trusted
On April the doctors removed a cyst the size of a
baseball Te surgery was a huge success and four months later
Lucy was pregnant again Exactly one year later on April
the doctors performed the same incision (C-section) in my
wifersquos lower abdomen but this time they pulled out my daughter
Deyana Irsquove found that God loves to do things like that He lines
up situations and sometimes even dates to show us things We
donrsquot always understand why but he does it for our growth and
for his glory there is purpose in it God has brought healing tomy wife and me and blessed us with two healthy girls
Rebuilding is a process that takes time and intentionality
Wersquove met so many people who have lost an unborn child but
Irsquove never heard a song about this experience so one way I con-
fronted my pain was by writing a song about it Oftentimes
finding an outlet to channel pain in a healthy way can also help
others through theirs Te song was titled ldquoPurposerdquo and re-
leased on my Unorthodox album (You can access this song at
the Noisetrade link on the ldquoAdditional Rebuild Resourcesrdquo page at
the back of this book) As a result of recording the song Irsquove had
countless people share their stories of pain and loss with me What
we do with pain and what we learn from it is vital to our lives
When we rise above its isolating factor pain can connect people
Pain in Our Communities
I witnessed the pain in my city as I hung out on the basketball
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 1922
Confronting Our Pain
courts and visited the homes of teens that started coming to our
youth service and the basketball league we sponsored My heart
was grieved because over percent of them didnrsquot have a father
Many of their dads were locked up Some were around occa-
sionally while other teens had never met their dads at all Tis
isnrsquot unique to my city Tere is a male leadership crisis in the
urban community Itrsquos a generational cycle of sin and suffering
as people donrsquot follow Godrsquos instructions
One of the reasons our youth ministry grew to hundreds
was that we had so many male leaders of color that could
connect and relate to the teens we were reaching out to A lot
of our leaders were artists like myself We built our youth min-
istry around sports and the arts as this is what teens are influ-
enced by Each one of our leaders took several teens under
their wings to help rebuild their lives I regularly had teenstelling me they looked up to me as a father figure even though
at the time I was only a few years older than them We had
classes to help build their talent and their walk with Christ
including break dancing classes DJ classes art classes acting
MC (rapping) classes and more All of this was infused with
discipleship and life skills
By the time we entered our sixth year of youth ministry at the
church we were reaching hundreds of teens and young adults at
our Tursday night service Tis was amazing It was an anomaly
But we noticed we were doing a poor job at connecting them and
their families to our church on Sundays Tere was so much pain
and brokenness in our community yet most of these people
werenrsquot attending a church being discipled or receiving toolsand empowerment to help their families become healthier
We knew we had to rebuild the way we did church on Sundays
if we were truly going to meet the needs of our community As
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 2022
RB
I became the pastor I had a lot of questions What would that
look like Who else was reaching an audience of young families
in a multiethnic urban environment We couldnrsquot find any
models at the time so we had to carefully and prayerfully begin
the rebuilding process ourselves We looked to God mentors
books and other churches to piece the puzzle together
It would have been much easier to try to attract a crowd that
was more stable and more affluent but thatrsquos not who we were
called to reach Like Nehemiah sometimes God calls us to re-
build people that others have learned to ignore As we followed
Godrsquos lead we watched him blow our minds over the next few
years Soon he brought us to the point where we outgrew our
little facility We were forced to confront our pain as a church
as several of the neighbors rose up against us Tey called the
police and reported us to the city every chance they got Wetried to be courteous We sent letters gift cards met with
some of them and even visited them when they were sick
Some of this helped but ultimately our church was bringing a
lot of noise and traffic into the middle of a residential neigh-
borhood We didnrsquot want to frustrate our neighbors and we
knew that Godrsquos vision of rebuilding our city was much larger
than that location
Nehemiah was unattached to the hurting people within the
crumbling walls of Jerusalem but he was still broken by their
pain and suffering Tere are hurting people all over in our
neighborhood our city our state our country and overseas My
prayer is that God will break our hearts with compassion for
those he calls us to reach Pain and loss has the power to connecthurting people when we allow God to soften our hearts and
work through our suffering Like Nehemiah going before the
king we must trust God with the tough situations in life act in
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 2122
Confronting Our Pain
obedience and wait for his timing We must confront our pain
Tat is when our own rebuilding begins to take place Oppo-
sition is bound to come in one form or another and we cannot
always rely on other people to get the job done but even then
God gives us the ability to stay positive trust in him and keep
on building
Building Blocks
bull Your LifemdashIdentify some personal pain that you havenrsquot con-
fronted How has that been affecting you What are the next
steps you need to take to rebuild
bull Your ChurchmdashWhat are some sources of pain in your
church Is there anything that has been causing conflict How
can God use you to bring reconciliation and healing so your
church can be rebuilt even stronger
bull Your WorldmdashWhat is one issue in your city that has been
painful for many people (for example homelessness sex traf-
ficking poverty fatherlessness etc) How can you or your
small group or your church assist people give them hope and
help them rebuild
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 2222
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 1522
Confronting Our Pain
God answered by telling him to leave and go rebuild the citymdasha
seemingly impossible task that would require approval by the
king of the nation that had conquered Nehemiahrsquos people Why
would the king want to send one of his most trusted servants to
go lead a project that he had no interest in In fact the king had
previously ordered that Jerusalem not be rebuilt If the king
denied Nehemiahrsquos request he could have him killed It was an
intense situation but God gave Nehemiah peace
I found myself in that hospital in Pittsburgh going through
the most intense situation of my life We stayed at the hospital
several days Itrsquos hard to sleep in the middle of a crisis and even
more difficult when you are trying to catch some zrsquos in a hospital
waiting room so I spent a lot of time in the chapel those nights
Early one morning around am I was on my face seeking
God when I suddenly felt a peace and knew that everythingwould be okay I felt Godrsquos presence comforting me and it re-
stored my confidence in his ability to do the impossible (when
you are in the middle of a painful experience itrsquos easy to forget
that God can handle it)
Nehemiah prayed that God would grant him favor with the
kingmdashsomething that didnrsquot happen right away it took months
for the right moment to come along Sometimes we act too soon
too late or we donrsquot do anything at all We have to build dis-
cernment from Godrsquos Spirit to know when to make a move Ne-
hemiah was tuned in to know that moment was upon him He
was serving the king some wine when the king noticed that
Nehemiah wasnrsquot himself ldquoSo the king asked me lsquoWhy are
you looking so sad You donrsquot look sick to me You must bedeeply troubledrsquordquo (Nehemiah ) Nehemiah was nervous but
he shared his heart for rebuilding the city of his people He
knew this was the moment when everything weighed in the
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 1622
RB
balance Either he could lose his trust his job and maybe even
his life or this confrontation could lead to a rebuilding journey
that would change history Te king asked a few questions
looked over at the queen and decided to grant his request It was
truly a miracle God had granted Nehemiah favor
Te situation with my father has been a difficult one over the
past decade But God did assure me in that hospital chapel that
everything would be okay Although they didnrsquot happen right
away God has done some miracles in my family Tis has been
a rebuilding journey that has changed history for a lot of people
Te doctors said my father would probably not make it and if he
did he would just be a vegetable on life support Tey were
wrong After three months he came out of the coma came off
life support and was able to talk and regain some of his memory
and movement His situationrsquos still a challenge as he is in anursing home facility requiring twenty-four-hour care but he
has come a long way More importantly he is still with us and
God has taught my family a lot through it We didnrsquot turn our
backs on God and run from this With his grace we learned to
confront it walk through it wrestle with it and grow through it
Yes we were crushed through this traumatic experience but
God has rebuilt us even stronger Wersquove learned he is sovereign
and we now have an even deeper trust in him We believe God
can heal my father though that may not be his plan and thatrsquos
okay too
When the Best Day Ever Turns into the Worst Day Ever
My hope lies in the life ahead where wersquoll be permanently re-built where we canrsquot suffer from a stroke or get cancer or have
an aneurism Itrsquos a place where we wonrsquot have to confront pain
or suffer from lossmdashwhere wersquoll be reunited with those wersquove
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 1722
Confronting Our Pain
lost Wersquove all lost some people that we deeply care about
friends grandparents parents and even children
In early I had just taken the position as lead pastor at
Crossover Church Honestly I got pushed into it and said yes out
of necessity Te youth ministry I was leading was flourishing
with hundreds coming but there were only a handful of people
attending on Sundays the church was floundering We experi-
enced a lot of change transition uncertainty hope and ex-
citement all at the same time In the midst of all of it my wife
Lucy surprised me one night with a romantic dinner After we
ate she handed me a card with a sonogram picture of our baby
inside I was in tears We had been married over six years and
now were ready to take the next step and become parents
A few weeks after I got this incredible news from my wife I
had a concert in Orlando at the arena that is the home of theMagic As a hip-hop artist I regularly perform and speak at many
events I had my entire team there a DJ some break dancers and
a few other rappers My wife was also planning on coming but
she decided to stay home since she wasnrsquot feeling well and didnrsquot
want to push it Tat night was incredible I had the opportunity
to do a thirty-minute set in front of over thirteen thousand
people Te response was amazing and I was on a spiritual high
We drove home from Orlando to ampa that night and arrived
after am Instead of my wife being fast asleep she was
awake and very sickmdashshe didnrsquot look good Tis night that
started out as one of the best of my life soon turned into one of
the worst Shortly after am I rushed her to the hospital
where we soon found out that we lost our baby Words canrsquotdescribe that feeling words on a page or a screen could never
articulate it
After Lucyrsquos miscarriage the doctors discovered that she had
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 1822
RB
a large ovarian cyst that might have caused it A few months
later the cyst grew so large that she would have to have major
surgery to remove it We were still recovering from losing our
child and now we had to sign legal hospital documents with the
understanding that my wife may never be able to have children
It was painful for both of us but we prayed and trusted
On April the doctors removed a cyst the size of a
baseball Te surgery was a huge success and four months later
Lucy was pregnant again Exactly one year later on April
the doctors performed the same incision (C-section) in my
wifersquos lower abdomen but this time they pulled out my daughter
Deyana Irsquove found that God loves to do things like that He lines
up situations and sometimes even dates to show us things We
donrsquot always understand why but he does it for our growth and
for his glory there is purpose in it God has brought healing tomy wife and me and blessed us with two healthy girls
Rebuilding is a process that takes time and intentionality
Wersquove met so many people who have lost an unborn child but
Irsquove never heard a song about this experience so one way I con-
fronted my pain was by writing a song about it Oftentimes
finding an outlet to channel pain in a healthy way can also help
others through theirs Te song was titled ldquoPurposerdquo and re-
leased on my Unorthodox album (You can access this song at
the Noisetrade link on the ldquoAdditional Rebuild Resourcesrdquo page at
the back of this book) As a result of recording the song Irsquove had
countless people share their stories of pain and loss with me What
we do with pain and what we learn from it is vital to our lives
When we rise above its isolating factor pain can connect people
Pain in Our Communities
I witnessed the pain in my city as I hung out on the basketball
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 1922
Confronting Our Pain
courts and visited the homes of teens that started coming to our
youth service and the basketball league we sponsored My heart
was grieved because over percent of them didnrsquot have a father
Many of their dads were locked up Some were around occa-
sionally while other teens had never met their dads at all Tis
isnrsquot unique to my city Tere is a male leadership crisis in the
urban community Itrsquos a generational cycle of sin and suffering
as people donrsquot follow Godrsquos instructions
One of the reasons our youth ministry grew to hundreds
was that we had so many male leaders of color that could
connect and relate to the teens we were reaching out to A lot
of our leaders were artists like myself We built our youth min-
istry around sports and the arts as this is what teens are influ-
enced by Each one of our leaders took several teens under
their wings to help rebuild their lives I regularly had teenstelling me they looked up to me as a father figure even though
at the time I was only a few years older than them We had
classes to help build their talent and their walk with Christ
including break dancing classes DJ classes art classes acting
MC (rapping) classes and more All of this was infused with
discipleship and life skills
By the time we entered our sixth year of youth ministry at the
church we were reaching hundreds of teens and young adults at
our Tursday night service Tis was amazing It was an anomaly
But we noticed we were doing a poor job at connecting them and
their families to our church on Sundays Tere was so much pain
and brokenness in our community yet most of these people
werenrsquot attending a church being discipled or receiving toolsand empowerment to help their families become healthier
We knew we had to rebuild the way we did church on Sundays
if we were truly going to meet the needs of our community As
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 2022
RB
I became the pastor I had a lot of questions What would that
look like Who else was reaching an audience of young families
in a multiethnic urban environment We couldnrsquot find any
models at the time so we had to carefully and prayerfully begin
the rebuilding process ourselves We looked to God mentors
books and other churches to piece the puzzle together
It would have been much easier to try to attract a crowd that
was more stable and more affluent but thatrsquos not who we were
called to reach Like Nehemiah sometimes God calls us to re-
build people that others have learned to ignore As we followed
Godrsquos lead we watched him blow our minds over the next few
years Soon he brought us to the point where we outgrew our
little facility We were forced to confront our pain as a church
as several of the neighbors rose up against us Tey called the
police and reported us to the city every chance they got Wetried to be courteous We sent letters gift cards met with
some of them and even visited them when they were sick
Some of this helped but ultimately our church was bringing a
lot of noise and traffic into the middle of a residential neigh-
borhood We didnrsquot want to frustrate our neighbors and we
knew that Godrsquos vision of rebuilding our city was much larger
than that location
Nehemiah was unattached to the hurting people within the
crumbling walls of Jerusalem but he was still broken by their
pain and suffering Tere are hurting people all over in our
neighborhood our city our state our country and overseas My
prayer is that God will break our hearts with compassion for
those he calls us to reach Pain and loss has the power to connecthurting people when we allow God to soften our hearts and
work through our suffering Like Nehemiah going before the
king we must trust God with the tough situations in life act in
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 2122
Confronting Our Pain
obedience and wait for his timing We must confront our pain
Tat is when our own rebuilding begins to take place Oppo-
sition is bound to come in one form or another and we cannot
always rely on other people to get the job done but even then
God gives us the ability to stay positive trust in him and keep
on building
Building Blocks
bull Your LifemdashIdentify some personal pain that you havenrsquot con-
fronted How has that been affecting you What are the next
steps you need to take to rebuild
bull Your ChurchmdashWhat are some sources of pain in your
church Is there anything that has been causing conflict How
can God use you to bring reconciliation and healing so your
church can be rebuilt even stronger
bull Your WorldmdashWhat is one issue in your city that has been
painful for many people (for example homelessness sex traf-
ficking poverty fatherlessness etc) How can you or your
small group or your church assist people give them hope and
help them rebuild
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 2222
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 1622
RB
balance Either he could lose his trust his job and maybe even
his life or this confrontation could lead to a rebuilding journey
that would change history Te king asked a few questions
looked over at the queen and decided to grant his request It was
truly a miracle God had granted Nehemiah favor
Te situation with my father has been a difficult one over the
past decade But God did assure me in that hospital chapel that
everything would be okay Although they didnrsquot happen right
away God has done some miracles in my family Tis has been
a rebuilding journey that has changed history for a lot of people
Te doctors said my father would probably not make it and if he
did he would just be a vegetable on life support Tey were
wrong After three months he came out of the coma came off
life support and was able to talk and regain some of his memory
and movement His situationrsquos still a challenge as he is in anursing home facility requiring twenty-four-hour care but he
has come a long way More importantly he is still with us and
God has taught my family a lot through it We didnrsquot turn our
backs on God and run from this With his grace we learned to
confront it walk through it wrestle with it and grow through it
Yes we were crushed through this traumatic experience but
God has rebuilt us even stronger Wersquove learned he is sovereign
and we now have an even deeper trust in him We believe God
can heal my father though that may not be his plan and thatrsquos
okay too
When the Best Day Ever Turns into the Worst Day Ever
My hope lies in the life ahead where wersquoll be permanently re-built where we canrsquot suffer from a stroke or get cancer or have
an aneurism Itrsquos a place where we wonrsquot have to confront pain
or suffer from lossmdashwhere wersquoll be reunited with those wersquove
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8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
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Confronting Our Pain
lost Wersquove all lost some people that we deeply care about
friends grandparents parents and even children
In early I had just taken the position as lead pastor at
Crossover Church Honestly I got pushed into it and said yes out
of necessity Te youth ministry I was leading was flourishing
with hundreds coming but there were only a handful of people
attending on Sundays the church was floundering We experi-
enced a lot of change transition uncertainty hope and ex-
citement all at the same time In the midst of all of it my wife
Lucy surprised me one night with a romantic dinner After we
ate she handed me a card with a sonogram picture of our baby
inside I was in tears We had been married over six years and
now were ready to take the next step and become parents
A few weeks after I got this incredible news from my wife I
had a concert in Orlando at the arena that is the home of theMagic As a hip-hop artist I regularly perform and speak at many
events I had my entire team there a DJ some break dancers and
a few other rappers My wife was also planning on coming but
she decided to stay home since she wasnrsquot feeling well and didnrsquot
want to push it Tat night was incredible I had the opportunity
to do a thirty-minute set in front of over thirteen thousand
people Te response was amazing and I was on a spiritual high
We drove home from Orlando to ampa that night and arrived
after am Instead of my wife being fast asleep she was
awake and very sickmdashshe didnrsquot look good Tis night that
started out as one of the best of my life soon turned into one of
the worst Shortly after am I rushed her to the hospital
where we soon found out that we lost our baby Words canrsquotdescribe that feeling words on a page or a screen could never
articulate it
After Lucyrsquos miscarriage the doctors discovered that she had
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 1822
RB
a large ovarian cyst that might have caused it A few months
later the cyst grew so large that she would have to have major
surgery to remove it We were still recovering from losing our
child and now we had to sign legal hospital documents with the
understanding that my wife may never be able to have children
It was painful for both of us but we prayed and trusted
On April the doctors removed a cyst the size of a
baseball Te surgery was a huge success and four months later
Lucy was pregnant again Exactly one year later on April
the doctors performed the same incision (C-section) in my
wifersquos lower abdomen but this time they pulled out my daughter
Deyana Irsquove found that God loves to do things like that He lines
up situations and sometimes even dates to show us things We
donrsquot always understand why but he does it for our growth and
for his glory there is purpose in it God has brought healing tomy wife and me and blessed us with two healthy girls
Rebuilding is a process that takes time and intentionality
Wersquove met so many people who have lost an unborn child but
Irsquove never heard a song about this experience so one way I con-
fronted my pain was by writing a song about it Oftentimes
finding an outlet to channel pain in a healthy way can also help
others through theirs Te song was titled ldquoPurposerdquo and re-
leased on my Unorthodox album (You can access this song at
the Noisetrade link on the ldquoAdditional Rebuild Resourcesrdquo page at
the back of this book) As a result of recording the song Irsquove had
countless people share their stories of pain and loss with me What
we do with pain and what we learn from it is vital to our lives
When we rise above its isolating factor pain can connect people
Pain in Our Communities
I witnessed the pain in my city as I hung out on the basketball
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 1922
Confronting Our Pain
courts and visited the homes of teens that started coming to our
youth service and the basketball league we sponsored My heart
was grieved because over percent of them didnrsquot have a father
Many of their dads were locked up Some were around occa-
sionally while other teens had never met their dads at all Tis
isnrsquot unique to my city Tere is a male leadership crisis in the
urban community Itrsquos a generational cycle of sin and suffering
as people donrsquot follow Godrsquos instructions
One of the reasons our youth ministry grew to hundreds
was that we had so many male leaders of color that could
connect and relate to the teens we were reaching out to A lot
of our leaders were artists like myself We built our youth min-
istry around sports and the arts as this is what teens are influ-
enced by Each one of our leaders took several teens under
their wings to help rebuild their lives I regularly had teenstelling me they looked up to me as a father figure even though
at the time I was only a few years older than them We had
classes to help build their talent and their walk with Christ
including break dancing classes DJ classes art classes acting
MC (rapping) classes and more All of this was infused with
discipleship and life skills
By the time we entered our sixth year of youth ministry at the
church we were reaching hundreds of teens and young adults at
our Tursday night service Tis was amazing It was an anomaly
But we noticed we were doing a poor job at connecting them and
their families to our church on Sundays Tere was so much pain
and brokenness in our community yet most of these people
werenrsquot attending a church being discipled or receiving toolsand empowerment to help their families become healthier
We knew we had to rebuild the way we did church on Sundays
if we were truly going to meet the needs of our community As
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 2022
RB
I became the pastor I had a lot of questions What would that
look like Who else was reaching an audience of young families
in a multiethnic urban environment We couldnrsquot find any
models at the time so we had to carefully and prayerfully begin
the rebuilding process ourselves We looked to God mentors
books and other churches to piece the puzzle together
It would have been much easier to try to attract a crowd that
was more stable and more affluent but thatrsquos not who we were
called to reach Like Nehemiah sometimes God calls us to re-
build people that others have learned to ignore As we followed
Godrsquos lead we watched him blow our minds over the next few
years Soon he brought us to the point where we outgrew our
little facility We were forced to confront our pain as a church
as several of the neighbors rose up against us Tey called the
police and reported us to the city every chance they got Wetried to be courteous We sent letters gift cards met with
some of them and even visited them when they were sick
Some of this helped but ultimately our church was bringing a
lot of noise and traffic into the middle of a residential neigh-
borhood We didnrsquot want to frustrate our neighbors and we
knew that Godrsquos vision of rebuilding our city was much larger
than that location
Nehemiah was unattached to the hurting people within the
crumbling walls of Jerusalem but he was still broken by their
pain and suffering Tere are hurting people all over in our
neighborhood our city our state our country and overseas My
prayer is that God will break our hearts with compassion for
those he calls us to reach Pain and loss has the power to connecthurting people when we allow God to soften our hearts and
work through our suffering Like Nehemiah going before the
king we must trust God with the tough situations in life act in
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 2122
Confronting Our Pain
obedience and wait for his timing We must confront our pain
Tat is when our own rebuilding begins to take place Oppo-
sition is bound to come in one form or another and we cannot
always rely on other people to get the job done but even then
God gives us the ability to stay positive trust in him and keep
on building
Building Blocks
bull Your LifemdashIdentify some personal pain that you havenrsquot con-
fronted How has that been affecting you What are the next
steps you need to take to rebuild
bull Your ChurchmdashWhat are some sources of pain in your
church Is there anything that has been causing conflict How
can God use you to bring reconciliation and healing so your
church can be rebuilt even stronger
bull Your WorldmdashWhat is one issue in your city that has been
painful for many people (for example homelessness sex traf-
ficking poverty fatherlessness etc) How can you or your
small group or your church assist people give them hope and
help them rebuild
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 2222
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 1722
Confronting Our Pain
lost Wersquove all lost some people that we deeply care about
friends grandparents parents and even children
In early I had just taken the position as lead pastor at
Crossover Church Honestly I got pushed into it and said yes out
of necessity Te youth ministry I was leading was flourishing
with hundreds coming but there were only a handful of people
attending on Sundays the church was floundering We experi-
enced a lot of change transition uncertainty hope and ex-
citement all at the same time In the midst of all of it my wife
Lucy surprised me one night with a romantic dinner After we
ate she handed me a card with a sonogram picture of our baby
inside I was in tears We had been married over six years and
now were ready to take the next step and become parents
A few weeks after I got this incredible news from my wife I
had a concert in Orlando at the arena that is the home of theMagic As a hip-hop artist I regularly perform and speak at many
events I had my entire team there a DJ some break dancers and
a few other rappers My wife was also planning on coming but
she decided to stay home since she wasnrsquot feeling well and didnrsquot
want to push it Tat night was incredible I had the opportunity
to do a thirty-minute set in front of over thirteen thousand
people Te response was amazing and I was on a spiritual high
We drove home from Orlando to ampa that night and arrived
after am Instead of my wife being fast asleep she was
awake and very sickmdashshe didnrsquot look good Tis night that
started out as one of the best of my life soon turned into one of
the worst Shortly after am I rushed her to the hospital
where we soon found out that we lost our baby Words canrsquotdescribe that feeling words on a page or a screen could never
articulate it
After Lucyrsquos miscarriage the doctors discovered that she had
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 1822
RB
a large ovarian cyst that might have caused it A few months
later the cyst grew so large that she would have to have major
surgery to remove it We were still recovering from losing our
child and now we had to sign legal hospital documents with the
understanding that my wife may never be able to have children
It was painful for both of us but we prayed and trusted
On April the doctors removed a cyst the size of a
baseball Te surgery was a huge success and four months later
Lucy was pregnant again Exactly one year later on April
the doctors performed the same incision (C-section) in my
wifersquos lower abdomen but this time they pulled out my daughter
Deyana Irsquove found that God loves to do things like that He lines
up situations and sometimes even dates to show us things We
donrsquot always understand why but he does it for our growth and
for his glory there is purpose in it God has brought healing tomy wife and me and blessed us with two healthy girls
Rebuilding is a process that takes time and intentionality
Wersquove met so many people who have lost an unborn child but
Irsquove never heard a song about this experience so one way I con-
fronted my pain was by writing a song about it Oftentimes
finding an outlet to channel pain in a healthy way can also help
others through theirs Te song was titled ldquoPurposerdquo and re-
leased on my Unorthodox album (You can access this song at
the Noisetrade link on the ldquoAdditional Rebuild Resourcesrdquo page at
the back of this book) As a result of recording the song Irsquove had
countless people share their stories of pain and loss with me What
we do with pain and what we learn from it is vital to our lives
When we rise above its isolating factor pain can connect people
Pain in Our Communities
I witnessed the pain in my city as I hung out on the basketball
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 1922
Confronting Our Pain
courts and visited the homes of teens that started coming to our
youth service and the basketball league we sponsored My heart
was grieved because over percent of them didnrsquot have a father
Many of their dads were locked up Some were around occa-
sionally while other teens had never met their dads at all Tis
isnrsquot unique to my city Tere is a male leadership crisis in the
urban community Itrsquos a generational cycle of sin and suffering
as people donrsquot follow Godrsquos instructions
One of the reasons our youth ministry grew to hundreds
was that we had so many male leaders of color that could
connect and relate to the teens we were reaching out to A lot
of our leaders were artists like myself We built our youth min-
istry around sports and the arts as this is what teens are influ-
enced by Each one of our leaders took several teens under
their wings to help rebuild their lives I regularly had teenstelling me they looked up to me as a father figure even though
at the time I was only a few years older than them We had
classes to help build their talent and their walk with Christ
including break dancing classes DJ classes art classes acting
MC (rapping) classes and more All of this was infused with
discipleship and life skills
By the time we entered our sixth year of youth ministry at the
church we were reaching hundreds of teens and young adults at
our Tursday night service Tis was amazing It was an anomaly
But we noticed we were doing a poor job at connecting them and
their families to our church on Sundays Tere was so much pain
and brokenness in our community yet most of these people
werenrsquot attending a church being discipled or receiving toolsand empowerment to help their families become healthier
We knew we had to rebuild the way we did church on Sundays
if we were truly going to meet the needs of our community As
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 2022
RB
I became the pastor I had a lot of questions What would that
look like Who else was reaching an audience of young families
in a multiethnic urban environment We couldnrsquot find any
models at the time so we had to carefully and prayerfully begin
the rebuilding process ourselves We looked to God mentors
books and other churches to piece the puzzle together
It would have been much easier to try to attract a crowd that
was more stable and more affluent but thatrsquos not who we were
called to reach Like Nehemiah sometimes God calls us to re-
build people that others have learned to ignore As we followed
Godrsquos lead we watched him blow our minds over the next few
years Soon he brought us to the point where we outgrew our
little facility We were forced to confront our pain as a church
as several of the neighbors rose up against us Tey called the
police and reported us to the city every chance they got Wetried to be courteous We sent letters gift cards met with
some of them and even visited them when they were sick
Some of this helped but ultimately our church was bringing a
lot of noise and traffic into the middle of a residential neigh-
borhood We didnrsquot want to frustrate our neighbors and we
knew that Godrsquos vision of rebuilding our city was much larger
than that location
Nehemiah was unattached to the hurting people within the
crumbling walls of Jerusalem but he was still broken by their
pain and suffering Tere are hurting people all over in our
neighborhood our city our state our country and overseas My
prayer is that God will break our hearts with compassion for
those he calls us to reach Pain and loss has the power to connecthurting people when we allow God to soften our hearts and
work through our suffering Like Nehemiah going before the
king we must trust God with the tough situations in life act in
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 2122
Confronting Our Pain
obedience and wait for his timing We must confront our pain
Tat is when our own rebuilding begins to take place Oppo-
sition is bound to come in one form or another and we cannot
always rely on other people to get the job done but even then
God gives us the ability to stay positive trust in him and keep
on building
Building Blocks
bull Your LifemdashIdentify some personal pain that you havenrsquot con-
fronted How has that been affecting you What are the next
steps you need to take to rebuild
bull Your ChurchmdashWhat are some sources of pain in your
church Is there anything that has been causing conflict How
can God use you to bring reconciliation and healing so your
church can be rebuilt even stronger
bull Your WorldmdashWhat is one issue in your city that has been
painful for many people (for example homelessness sex traf-
ficking poverty fatherlessness etc) How can you or your
small group or your church assist people give them hope and
help them rebuild
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 2222
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 1822
RB
a large ovarian cyst that might have caused it A few months
later the cyst grew so large that she would have to have major
surgery to remove it We were still recovering from losing our
child and now we had to sign legal hospital documents with the
understanding that my wife may never be able to have children
It was painful for both of us but we prayed and trusted
On April the doctors removed a cyst the size of a
baseball Te surgery was a huge success and four months later
Lucy was pregnant again Exactly one year later on April
the doctors performed the same incision (C-section) in my
wifersquos lower abdomen but this time they pulled out my daughter
Deyana Irsquove found that God loves to do things like that He lines
up situations and sometimes even dates to show us things We
donrsquot always understand why but he does it for our growth and
for his glory there is purpose in it God has brought healing tomy wife and me and blessed us with two healthy girls
Rebuilding is a process that takes time and intentionality
Wersquove met so many people who have lost an unborn child but
Irsquove never heard a song about this experience so one way I con-
fronted my pain was by writing a song about it Oftentimes
finding an outlet to channel pain in a healthy way can also help
others through theirs Te song was titled ldquoPurposerdquo and re-
leased on my Unorthodox album (You can access this song at
the Noisetrade link on the ldquoAdditional Rebuild Resourcesrdquo page at
the back of this book) As a result of recording the song Irsquove had
countless people share their stories of pain and loss with me What
we do with pain and what we learn from it is vital to our lives
When we rise above its isolating factor pain can connect people
Pain in Our Communities
I witnessed the pain in my city as I hung out on the basketball
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 1922
Confronting Our Pain
courts and visited the homes of teens that started coming to our
youth service and the basketball league we sponsored My heart
was grieved because over percent of them didnrsquot have a father
Many of their dads were locked up Some were around occa-
sionally while other teens had never met their dads at all Tis
isnrsquot unique to my city Tere is a male leadership crisis in the
urban community Itrsquos a generational cycle of sin and suffering
as people donrsquot follow Godrsquos instructions
One of the reasons our youth ministry grew to hundreds
was that we had so many male leaders of color that could
connect and relate to the teens we were reaching out to A lot
of our leaders were artists like myself We built our youth min-
istry around sports and the arts as this is what teens are influ-
enced by Each one of our leaders took several teens under
their wings to help rebuild their lives I regularly had teenstelling me they looked up to me as a father figure even though
at the time I was only a few years older than them We had
classes to help build their talent and their walk with Christ
including break dancing classes DJ classes art classes acting
MC (rapping) classes and more All of this was infused with
discipleship and life skills
By the time we entered our sixth year of youth ministry at the
church we were reaching hundreds of teens and young adults at
our Tursday night service Tis was amazing It was an anomaly
But we noticed we were doing a poor job at connecting them and
their families to our church on Sundays Tere was so much pain
and brokenness in our community yet most of these people
werenrsquot attending a church being discipled or receiving toolsand empowerment to help their families become healthier
We knew we had to rebuild the way we did church on Sundays
if we were truly going to meet the needs of our community As
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 2022
RB
I became the pastor I had a lot of questions What would that
look like Who else was reaching an audience of young families
in a multiethnic urban environment We couldnrsquot find any
models at the time so we had to carefully and prayerfully begin
the rebuilding process ourselves We looked to God mentors
books and other churches to piece the puzzle together
It would have been much easier to try to attract a crowd that
was more stable and more affluent but thatrsquos not who we were
called to reach Like Nehemiah sometimes God calls us to re-
build people that others have learned to ignore As we followed
Godrsquos lead we watched him blow our minds over the next few
years Soon he brought us to the point where we outgrew our
little facility We were forced to confront our pain as a church
as several of the neighbors rose up against us Tey called the
police and reported us to the city every chance they got Wetried to be courteous We sent letters gift cards met with
some of them and even visited them when they were sick
Some of this helped but ultimately our church was bringing a
lot of noise and traffic into the middle of a residential neigh-
borhood We didnrsquot want to frustrate our neighbors and we
knew that Godrsquos vision of rebuilding our city was much larger
than that location
Nehemiah was unattached to the hurting people within the
crumbling walls of Jerusalem but he was still broken by their
pain and suffering Tere are hurting people all over in our
neighborhood our city our state our country and overseas My
prayer is that God will break our hearts with compassion for
those he calls us to reach Pain and loss has the power to connecthurting people when we allow God to soften our hearts and
work through our suffering Like Nehemiah going before the
king we must trust God with the tough situations in life act in
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 2122
Confronting Our Pain
obedience and wait for his timing We must confront our pain
Tat is when our own rebuilding begins to take place Oppo-
sition is bound to come in one form or another and we cannot
always rely on other people to get the job done but even then
God gives us the ability to stay positive trust in him and keep
on building
Building Blocks
bull Your LifemdashIdentify some personal pain that you havenrsquot con-
fronted How has that been affecting you What are the next
steps you need to take to rebuild
bull Your ChurchmdashWhat are some sources of pain in your
church Is there anything that has been causing conflict How
can God use you to bring reconciliation and healing so your
church can be rebuilt even stronger
bull Your WorldmdashWhat is one issue in your city that has been
painful for many people (for example homelessness sex traf-
ficking poverty fatherlessness etc) How can you or your
small group or your church assist people give them hope and
help them rebuild
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 2222
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 1922
Confronting Our Pain
courts and visited the homes of teens that started coming to our
youth service and the basketball league we sponsored My heart
was grieved because over percent of them didnrsquot have a father
Many of their dads were locked up Some were around occa-
sionally while other teens had never met their dads at all Tis
isnrsquot unique to my city Tere is a male leadership crisis in the
urban community Itrsquos a generational cycle of sin and suffering
as people donrsquot follow Godrsquos instructions
One of the reasons our youth ministry grew to hundreds
was that we had so many male leaders of color that could
connect and relate to the teens we were reaching out to A lot
of our leaders were artists like myself We built our youth min-
istry around sports and the arts as this is what teens are influ-
enced by Each one of our leaders took several teens under
their wings to help rebuild their lives I regularly had teenstelling me they looked up to me as a father figure even though
at the time I was only a few years older than them We had
classes to help build their talent and their walk with Christ
including break dancing classes DJ classes art classes acting
MC (rapping) classes and more All of this was infused with
discipleship and life skills
By the time we entered our sixth year of youth ministry at the
church we were reaching hundreds of teens and young adults at
our Tursday night service Tis was amazing It was an anomaly
But we noticed we were doing a poor job at connecting them and
their families to our church on Sundays Tere was so much pain
and brokenness in our community yet most of these people
werenrsquot attending a church being discipled or receiving toolsand empowerment to help their families become healthier
We knew we had to rebuild the way we did church on Sundays
if we were truly going to meet the needs of our community As
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8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
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RB
I became the pastor I had a lot of questions What would that
look like Who else was reaching an audience of young families
in a multiethnic urban environment We couldnrsquot find any
models at the time so we had to carefully and prayerfully begin
the rebuilding process ourselves We looked to God mentors
books and other churches to piece the puzzle together
It would have been much easier to try to attract a crowd that
was more stable and more affluent but thatrsquos not who we were
called to reach Like Nehemiah sometimes God calls us to re-
build people that others have learned to ignore As we followed
Godrsquos lead we watched him blow our minds over the next few
years Soon he brought us to the point where we outgrew our
little facility We were forced to confront our pain as a church
as several of the neighbors rose up against us Tey called the
police and reported us to the city every chance they got Wetried to be courteous We sent letters gift cards met with
some of them and even visited them when they were sick
Some of this helped but ultimately our church was bringing a
lot of noise and traffic into the middle of a residential neigh-
borhood We didnrsquot want to frustrate our neighbors and we
knew that Godrsquos vision of rebuilding our city was much larger
than that location
Nehemiah was unattached to the hurting people within the
crumbling walls of Jerusalem but he was still broken by their
pain and suffering Tere are hurting people all over in our
neighborhood our city our state our country and overseas My
prayer is that God will break our hearts with compassion for
those he calls us to reach Pain and loss has the power to connecthurting people when we allow God to soften our hearts and
work through our suffering Like Nehemiah going before the
king we must trust God with the tough situations in life act in
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8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
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Confronting Our Pain
obedience and wait for his timing We must confront our pain
Tat is when our own rebuilding begins to take place Oppo-
sition is bound to come in one form or another and we cannot
always rely on other people to get the job done but even then
God gives us the ability to stay positive trust in him and keep
on building
Building Blocks
bull Your LifemdashIdentify some personal pain that you havenrsquot con-
fronted How has that been affecting you What are the next
steps you need to take to rebuild
bull Your ChurchmdashWhat are some sources of pain in your
church Is there anything that has been causing conflict How
can God use you to bring reconciliation and healing so your
church can be rebuilt even stronger
bull Your WorldmdashWhat is one issue in your city that has been
painful for many people (for example homelessness sex traf-
ficking poverty fatherlessness etc) How can you or your
small group or your church assist people give them hope and
help them rebuild
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 2222
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 2022
RB
I became the pastor I had a lot of questions What would that
look like Who else was reaching an audience of young families
in a multiethnic urban environment We couldnrsquot find any
models at the time so we had to carefully and prayerfully begin
the rebuilding process ourselves We looked to God mentors
books and other churches to piece the puzzle together
It would have been much easier to try to attract a crowd that
was more stable and more affluent but thatrsquos not who we were
called to reach Like Nehemiah sometimes God calls us to re-
build people that others have learned to ignore As we followed
Godrsquos lead we watched him blow our minds over the next few
years Soon he brought us to the point where we outgrew our
little facility We were forced to confront our pain as a church
as several of the neighbors rose up against us Tey called the
police and reported us to the city every chance they got Wetried to be courteous We sent letters gift cards met with
some of them and even visited them when they were sick
Some of this helped but ultimately our church was bringing a
lot of noise and traffic into the middle of a residential neigh-
borhood We didnrsquot want to frustrate our neighbors and we
knew that Godrsquos vision of rebuilding our city was much larger
than that location
Nehemiah was unattached to the hurting people within the
crumbling walls of Jerusalem but he was still broken by their
pain and suffering Tere are hurting people all over in our
neighborhood our city our state our country and overseas My
prayer is that God will break our hearts with compassion for
those he calls us to reach Pain and loss has the power to connecthurting people when we allow God to soften our hearts and
work through our suffering Like Nehemiah going before the
king we must trust God with the tough situations in life act in
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 2122
Confronting Our Pain
obedience and wait for his timing We must confront our pain
Tat is when our own rebuilding begins to take place Oppo-
sition is bound to come in one form or another and we cannot
always rely on other people to get the job done but even then
God gives us the ability to stay positive trust in him and keep
on building
Building Blocks
bull Your LifemdashIdentify some personal pain that you havenrsquot con-
fronted How has that been affecting you What are the next
steps you need to take to rebuild
bull Your ChurchmdashWhat are some sources of pain in your
church Is there anything that has been causing conflict How
can God use you to bring reconciliation and healing so your
church can be rebuilt even stronger
bull Your WorldmdashWhat is one issue in your city that has been
painful for many people (for example homelessness sex traf-
ficking poverty fatherlessness etc) How can you or your
small group or your church assist people give them hope and
help them rebuild
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 2222
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 2122
Confronting Our Pain
obedience and wait for his timing We must confront our pain
Tat is when our own rebuilding begins to take place Oppo-
sition is bound to come in one form or another and we cannot
always rely on other people to get the job done but even then
God gives us the ability to stay positive trust in him and keep
on building
Building Blocks
bull Your LifemdashIdentify some personal pain that you havenrsquot con-
fronted How has that been affecting you What are the next
steps you need to take to rebuild
bull Your ChurchmdashWhat are some sources of pain in your
church Is there anything that has been causing conflict How
can God use you to bring reconciliation and healing so your
church can be rebuilt even stronger
bull Your WorldmdashWhat is one issue in your city that has been
painful for many people (for example homelessness sex traf-
ficking poverty fatherlessness etc) How can you or your
small group or your church assist people give them hope and
help them rebuild
Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 2222
8202019 Rebuild by Tommy Urban D Kylonnen - EXCERPT
httpslidepdfcomreaderfullrebuild-by-tommy-urban-d-kylonnen-excerpt 2222