the coexistence equation

THE BIG BANG THEORY

"The Coexistence Equation"

Written by

Brian Lansangan

16329 Chase St.North Hills, CA 91343661 607-2465

COLD OPEN

FADE IN:

INT. SHELDON AND LEONARD’S APARTMENT- DAY 1

LEONARD and PENNY are sitting on the couch watching TV. Leonard is watching Penny’s reaction as she watches the movie. The movie finishes and Penny leans back.

LEONARDSo what did you think?

PENNYUm, it was good I guess. The teddy bears in the forest were cool. Who was the emo ghost at the end?

LEONARDOh, I should probably explain that. George Lucas made some changes for the re-release. The emo ghost is a young Darth Vader. We see him in the prequel trilogy.

PENNYOh. Shouldn’t we have watched the prequel trilogy first?

LEONARDWe don’t have those. They aren’t really that good. Imagine a tall annoying creature distracting everyone from the rest of the movie.

SHELDON runs in the apartment excitedly and slams the door behind him.

PENNYOh, it’s not that hard to imagine.

SHELDONI’m glad you’re both here. I have some exciting news.

PENNYYou and Amy are getting married?

Sheldon looks at her sarcastically as she smiles back at him.

SHELDONI said exciting, not unbelievable.

LEONARDWell, what is your exciting news then?

SHELDONThey’re finally fixing the elevator. No longer will we have to suffer through those long insufferable walks up those stairs. And I can finally get to spend time with the neighbors again.

LEONARDWhy would you want to spend time with them? You hate crowds of strangers?

SHELDONStrangers? Hardly. These are our neighbors. I don’t know what things were like where you grew up, but if there’s one thing my mother taught me it was to be close to your neighbors.

PENNYWhat about me?

SHELDONOh, Penny. I must admit I’ve enjoyed your company, but I would like to have some variety from time to time. Did you know that Mr. Lehman on the second floor is a concert pianist? Or that Mrs. Harris upstairs grows her own vegetables? Frankly you don’t bring that much to the table.

LEONARDWell, if you are so close to them, why don’t you ever spend time with any of them?

SHELDONI did until you ruined everything by blowing up the elevator. Haven’t you noticed how rarely we see anyone else in the building?

LEONARDCome on. That can’t really be my fault. I’m sure we just keep different hours.

THE BIG BANG THEORY "The Coexistence Equation" 2.

(MORE)

My blowing up the elevator couldn’t have changed thing that much. Could it?

SHELDONI’ll have you know that before you moved in I was a regular fixture at the tenant’s meeting. In fact I was the president.

PENNYWow, how did you get elected president?

LEONARDIt was a self appointed title. It was an informal gathering.

SHELDONWhich is why I appointed myself president. Someone needed to bring some order around here. You wouldn’t believe the madhouse it was before I moved in. Did you know people would leave their personal property in the hallways? If I wanted to see that I would have stayed in Texas.

Leonard and Penny go back to watching TV. Sheldon goes into the other room and returns with some folding chairs.

LEONARDSheldon, what are you doing? We’re trying to watch a movie.

SHELDONA movie? How can you watch a movie at a time like this? We have to get ready for the tenant’s meeting.

LEONARDWhat tenant’s meeting?

SHELDONAs president, I am responsible for hosting the tenant’s meeting. It’s all in the President’s Handbook. Watch out Pasadena. President Cooper is back.

Sheldon stands back and a smile comes over his face. Leonard and Penny try to hold back laughter as they watch him.


LEONARD (CONT'D)

SHELDON (CONT’D)Oh I just gave myself chills. It feels good to say that again.

FADE OUT.

END OF COLD OPEN


ACT I

FADE IN:

INT. CAFETERIA- DAY 2

Leonard, RAJ, and HOWARD are sitting at the table eating lunch.

HOWARDSo I had a pretty interesting evening with Bernadette last night.

RAJOh, really? What happened?

HOWARDIt was amazing. We did some role play. I was me and she was Starbuck.

RAJI didn’t know Bernadette was into that kind of stuff.

HOWARDNeither did I, but she’s been showing an unusual amount of interest in sci-fi and comic books lately. The other night we were up all night watching the entire first season of Star Trek.

RAJYou know, I tried to get Lucy to dress up in a costume once, but my Wonder Woman costume was too big for her.

Howard glances at Leonard. Leonard is sitting silently moving his food around with his fork.

HOWARDIs something wrong, Leonard? You haven’t said a thing all lunch.

LEONARDI don’t know. Have you noticed how odd Sheldon has been acting lately?

HOWARDWhat do you mean? Sheldon is always acting odd.


LEONARDI mean odd for Sheldon. Ever since the elevator was fixed, he hasn’t been acting like himself.

HOWARDYou know, now that you mention it, Sheldon’s been really nice. Today he came to visit me in the lab and told me I was doing amazing work and he was glad to have me as a friend.

RAJYou’re right. This morning I mentioned that Cinnamon was acting funny and he volunteered to take Cinnamon to the vet this weekend.

HOWARDWell, whatever it is, I kind of like the new Sheldon. It’s nice not to be talked down to for once. If only my mother could change too.

Sheldon enters the cafeteria with BARRY KRIPKE. Sheldon and Kripke are laughing as though they are in mid-conversation. Sheldon sits down and Kripke is about to walk away.

SHELDONWait. Don’t you want to join us for lunch?

Kripke looks confused. The rest of the group looks at Sheldon oddly. Kripke sits down cautiously.

KRIPKEYou want me to have lunch with you? Are we competing for a research grant?

SHELDONOf course not. I’m done with petty rivalries and competitions. That was the old Sheldon. If there’s anything I’ve learned it’s to enjoy the company of others. In fact, I’m having a party tonight and I would like it very much if you would be there. I don’t want to give away too much, but I will be doing karaoke.


KRIPKESure, I guess I can stop by.

SHELDONOh, good. You’re just going to love meeting Mrs. Fernandez’s granddaughter. She plays the accordion. Don’t worry Raj, she has a granddaughter for you too.

INT. PENNY’S APARTMENT- DAY 2

Penny comes from the kitchen area with a bottle of wine. AMY and BERNADETTE are sitting on the couch.

PENNYSo how has our plan been working? Yesterday, Leonard spent the entire night rehearsing lines with me for a play I’m auditioning for.

BERNADETTEReally good. I’ve been getting Howie to do all kinds of things lately. Who knew all it took for him to spend the weekend with my parents was watching some TV and wearing some costumes.

AMYI’m not really sure if it’s been working on Sheldon. It could just be the elevator being fixed, but he held my hand through an entire episode of Game of Thrones last night. I know that doesn’t seem like much, but for Sheldon that’s like getting to second base.

BERNADETTEDo you think they’re gonna catch on? Eventually they’re gonna figure out what we’re up to.

PENNYNah. They might be geniuses, but when it comes to relationships they’re just as clueless as every guy out there. Besides, I think they kind of like it.


AMYOh, before I forget. Sheldon wanted me to invite you all to his party tonight. He made these invitations.

Amy hands each of them an invitation. The girls look them over and are amazed at how nice they are.

BERNADETTEWow, these are really good.

PENNYOf course I’ll be there. I can’t wait to see how much Sheldon has changed. I haven’t seen him much the past few days. He’s hardly ever at home. Who would have thought Sheldon would have a more active social life than I do?

AMYSometimes I imagine Sheldon as a secret agent out on the town and getting into danger. Then he tells me to blow on his soup because it is too hot and I snap back to reality.

INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY- DAY 2

Howard and Bernadette exit the elevator and hear music coming from Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment. They look at each other and shrug. They knock on the door. Sheldon opens the door wearing a suit.

SHELDONOh, good. You’re just in time. Welcome to my humble abode. We’re just about to start karaoke.


Howard and Bernadette enter the apartment. The room is full of people talking, eating, and drinking. They watch in surprise as Sheldon leads an older woman to his spot on the couch.

HOWARDWow, I’ve never seen Sheldon willingly let anyone sit in his spot before.


BERNADETTEI tried to once and I got a lecture on why it’s his spot.

HOWARDWe all have, Bernie. We all have.

Leonard and Penny walk over to them and they watch as Sheldon has a conversation with a group of people.

PENNYSo these are our neighbors?

LEONARDI guess so. I can’t really tell, I think I saw that man quickly ducking into his apartment as I came up the stair with Sheldon once. You’d never think an eighty year old man could move so fast.

PENNYI need a drink.

HOWARDI think we all do.

They move toward the kitchen. STUART is standing in the kitchen dressed as a bartender.

LEONARDStuart, I didn’t know you bartend.

STUARTYeah, my parents wanted me to make sure I had another career route if my comic book store didn’t work. Apparently they think bartending is more respectable than owning my own store. What can I get you?

PENNYI don’t care. I just need something hard.

STUARTI’ll make you all the special.

Stuart mixes a drink and places it on the counter. Raj comes over behind them and quickly drinks the drink Stuart fixed.

RAJSorry guys, that girl Sheldon fixed me up with is so annoying.


(MORE)

She won’t stop talking about her cat. I know I’m desperate, but even I have to draw a line somewhere.

Sheldon joins the group with Amy. He is smiling, but Amy looks bored.

SHELDONWhat are you all doing by the bar. You’re missing some fascinating conversation.

LEONARDWe’ll be there in a second. I notice you let that woman sit in your spot.

SHELDONThat woman? Her name is Mrs. Brown.

PENNYHow come you’ve never let any of us sit in your spot?

SHELDONWhen you’re eighty-six, had six children, and worked in a factory for forty years then by all means go ahead.

Sheldon picks up a fruity drink and drinks some. The others watch in surprise.

HOWARDWow, you just drank alcohol.

SHELDONI know. I don’t know why I’ve been afraid to for so long. That was delicious. Now, if you’ll excuse me it’s time to start the karaoke.

The group watches as Sheldon goes to the stage and starts singing Rocket Man. As he sings, several people sneak out of the apartment.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT I


RAJ (CONT'D)

ACT II

FADE IN:

INT. HALLWAY- DAY 3

Leonard is sleeping outside the door of his apartment. Penny opens her door and see Leonard. She walks over and wakes him up.

PENNYWhy are you sleeping out here?

LEONARDOh, I had to come out here last night. Sheldon was up all night doing karaoke. I don’t know what I will do if I have to hear She Blinded Me With Science one more time.

The elevator opens and Mr. Lehman steps out. He walks over to them cautiously.

MR. LEHMANIs Sheldon here?

LEONARDSorry, I think he finally fell asleep. He doesn’t do very well with alcohol. I’ll let him know you stopped by though.

MR. LEHMANNo, no. I’m actually here to see you.

LEONARDSorry, it’s nothing personal, I’m just not in the mood for company right now. I barely got any sleep last night.

MR. LEHMANThat’s just it. Sheldon’s a nice kid, so I never wanted to say anything to him directly, but all of these visits have got to stop. I haven’t gotten any time to practice.


(MORE)

You know I have a show coming up and all he does is requests me to play the same songs over and over.

PENNYReally? I thought you guys used to spend time together all the time before the elevator broke?

MR. LEHMANWe did. No one cares to admit it, but you blowing up the elevator was the best thing to happen to this building.

LEONARDWell, I’m sorry you feel this way. I’ll just tell Sheldon you’re busy.

MR. LEHMANOh, it’s not just me. It’s the entire building. After the party last night we got together and signed this.

He takes out a piece of paper and hands it to Leonard. Leonard and Penny look it over.

LEONARDYou signed a petition to get me to break the elevator again?

MR. LEHMANSure, having to walk the stairs is a little inconvenient, but it’s nothing compared to having to spend so much time with Sheldon.

LEONARDI can’t just blow up the elevator.

MR. LEHMANSure you can. You guys are scientists. I’m sure you will think of something.

The door opens and Sheldon steps into the hallway. He smiles when he sees Mr. Lehman.

SHELDONOh, Mr. Lehman. Did you learn the theme from Hulk yet? Let’s go to your apartment and you can play it for me.


MR. LEHMAN (CONT'D)

Mr. Lehman gives Leonard a glare as he and Sheldon get into the elevator.

INT. HOWARD AND BERNADETTE’S BEDROOM- DAY 3

Howard sits on the bed with his eyes closed. Bernadette calls to him from the bathroom.

BERNADETTE(V.O. OFF SCREEN)

Howie, are your eyes closed?

HOWARDYes, my eyes are closed.

Bernadette enters the room wearing a Princess Leia slave girl costume. She does a pose in front of Howard.

BERNADETTEOK, open your eyes.

Howard opens his eyes and looks her over. His look is one of fake pleasure.

HOWARDWow, you look great.

Bernadette kisses him, but he seems uncomfortable.

BERNADETTEWhat’s wrong, Howie? It doesn’t look good does it? I knew I should have gotten the Supergirl costume.

HOWARDNo, no. You look fine. It’s just hard not to think of Raj when I see you in that.

BERNADETTERaj?

HOWARDYeah, it’s weird, but he wore that same costume when we went to see the re-release in 3D. You definitely look much better than he did though.

They kiss again, but they are interrupted by Howard’s cell phone ringing.


HOWARD (CONT’D)Sorry, I need to get this. Hello? Leonard, I’m kind of in the middle of something. Fine, let’s go to my lab.

BERNADETTEIs something wrong?

HOWARDI don’t know. Leonard needs to get something from the lab. He says it’s a Sheldon emergency.

BERNADETTEWell, don’t be too long. This bikini is not comfortable.

HOWARDI know. Raj said the same thing.

INT. HOWARD’S LAB- DAY 3

Leonard, Howard, and Raj enter the lab and Leonard begins looking around.

HOWARDSo what are we looking for exactly?

LEONARDI don’t know. Something that will break the elevator, but won’t send us to jail.

RAJWhy don’t you just blow it up like you did last time?

LEONARDI thought of that, but I don’t remember the measurements I used. If I get it wrong I could end up blowing up more than just the elevator.

HOWARDI still can’t believe your neighbors would rather walk up the stairs than spend the day with Sheldon. Some of those people were like a hundred years old. Are you sure it wasn’t just Mr. Lehman?


LEONARDYeah, I checked with the other tenants to make sure. Trust me, Mr. Lehman was the nicest of the group.

RAJDoes this mean I don’t have to go out with Agnes anymore? She’s a nice girl, but she’s literally shedding cat hair.

HOWARDSo, you have a dog?

RAJI beg your pardon. Cinnamon is very clean. I even taught her to use the toilet.

HOWARDHow did you teach her to do that?

LEONARDCan we get back to what we’re doing? I’d rather not find out how Raj potty trained his dog.

HOWARDFine. I think I have just the thing.

He walks over to a cabinet and takes out a device.

HOWARD (CONT’D)It’s still being tested, but it should do just enough damage to keep the elevator broken for a long time without doing any obvious damage. To anyone else it will look like a technical issue.

LEONARDHow does it work?

HOWARDWell, can I see your watch?

LEONARDWhy can’t you use Raj’s watch?

RAJHey, this isn’t my problem. This is all on you, dude.


LEONARDFine.

Leonard takes off his watch and hands it to Howard. Howard connects a wire to the watch.

HOWARDYou might want to stand back for this. I’m not really sure what is going to happen.

The group moves back and Howard pushes a button. The watch begins to short circuit and emit smoke. It catches on fire and Howard quickly turns off the machine. Leonard puts out the fire and they stand back coughing.

HOWARD (CONT’D)Hmm. It looks like it still has a few bugs. Maybe we should try something else.

INT. LAUNDRY ROOM- DAY 3

Sheldon is folding laundry as Penny enters the room carrying her laundry basket. Penny begins putting her clothes into the washer.

PENNYHey, how are you feeling today? You had a few drinks last night.

SHELDONSurprisingly, I feel fine. I took this mixture my dad used to make after a night out. It tastes horrible, but it does wonders.

PENNYWhat’s in it? Maybe I’ll try it.

SHELDONWell, let’s see. Eggs, pancake syrup, ground beef, almonds, and a pound of butter. I actually have several bottles of it upstairs. I can get you one.

PENNYNo thanks. I think I’ll just deal with hangovers the old fashioned way.


SHELDONWell, what is that?

PENNYJust a lot of regret.

SHELDONNonsense. If there’s anything I’ve learned this week it’s to have no regrets. You should come with us today.

PENNYUs?

SHELDONYes. I’m going with Mr. Lehman and his grandson to the science museum. They have a new Star Wars exhibit. I hear it’s quite fascinating. They even have the original Jabba the Hutt from Return of the Jedi.

PENNYOh, I watched that with Leonard the other day. Is that the creepy giant slug?

SHELDONI suppose you could call him a giant slug.

PENNYSounds fun, but I think I’m gonna have to pass. I’m still having weird dreams about that thing.

SHELDONWell, you’re missing out. You know it’s weird. Mr. Lehman was very insistent that we go today. I never knew he was a Star Wars fan. I can’t wait to hear him play the Star Wars theme for me. Oh, this just opens a whole world of new song possibilities.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT II


ACT III

FADE IN:

INT. LOBBY HALLWAY- DAY 3

Leonard, Howard, and Raj enter carrying a large device.

LEONARDAre you sure this is going to work?

HOWARDTrust me, they used this all the time on the space station. One of us just has to climb up and get it close enough to the cables. Does everyone know not to use the elevator now?

LEONARDDon’t worry. It’s all been taken care of.

HOWARDWhat about Sheldon?

LEONARDMr. Lehman took him to the Star Wars exhibit. He’ll be gone all day.

RAJStar Wars exhibit? Why couldn’t I have gone to that. You don’t really need me here for this.

HOWARDSorry, you know how bad you are at keeping secrets.

RAJThat’s not true. I never told anyone about the three way we had in Vegas.

HOWARDYou told everyone about that. My mom still brings it up every time I say I’m going to your place.

RAJSorry, but you know how I get when I drink.


LEONARDGuys, can we argue about this later? Sheldon is going to be home in half an hour.

They open the elevator door and use part of the machine to hold the doors open.

HOWARDCan you give me a boost?

Leonard and Raj help him up and he climbs on top of the elevator.

HOWARD (CONT’D)OK, now hand me that case over there.

They hand him the case and sparks and sound come from above the elevator. The elevator drops a couple feet knocking Leonard and Raj to the ground. They get up and Howard hands them the case, then they help him down.

HOWARD (CONT’D)Well, that should do it. That elevator won’t be going anywhere.

As they exit, Sheldon and Mr. Lehman enter the lobby. Sheldon looks at the broken elevator in shock.

SHELDONNo, no. What did you do this time?

LEONARDI don’t know we were just riding it and it broke. I’m not really sure what happened.

Mr. Lehman walks over and looks at the elevator to make sure it’s broken.

MR. LEHMANI’m sorry, Sheldon. I think it’s best we cancel those concert plans. You know how the other tenants will be when they find out your friends broke the elevator again.

SHELDONPlease, no. I can get a new roommate?


MR. LEHMANSorry, but I don’t think that’s going to work. Goodbye Sheldon.

Sheldon and the group watch in silence as Mr. Lehman makes his way up the stairs. When Sheldon is turned around, Mr. Lehman winks at Leonard.

SHELDONWell I suppose this teaches me a valuable lesson.

LEONARDOh, what is that?

SHELDONYou can never rely on neighbors. They’ll drop you as soon as you do something as silly as break an elevator.

HOWARDSo does this mean the new Sheldon is gone?

SHELDONYou’re darn right he’s gone. That Sheldon was a darn fool. Can you believe I drank butter. I have to go cleanse my mouth out. Oh and that karaoke machine has to go.

The group follows him as he continues to talk as he walks upstairs. Once they are gone, Amy opens the door to the lobby. She walks happily to the elevator wearing a trench coat that is tied up at the waist. She pushes the button and when the door opens she sees the elevator is broken.

AMYOh darn! There goes my chance to role play with Sheldon.

She opens her coat to reveal a Wonder Woman costume.

AMY (CONT’D)I can’t believe I wasted all that time getting my legs waxed.

Sheldon comes back down stairs and sees her standing there in the costume. She smiles at him as he stares at her for a moment.

AMY (CONT’D)What do you think?


SHELDONDid you borrow that from Raj?

AMYYes.

SHELDONHmm. It looks better on you.

Sheldon goes back upstairs as Amy stands in silence in the lobby.

AMYWell, it’s not what I was hoping for, but it’s more than I was expecting.

Howard and Raj come down stairs and look at Amy for a moment.

HOWARDSheldon was right. It does look better on you.

RAJHey, no fair. She waxed. You know I haven’t shaved my legs since Halloween.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT III


ACT IV

FADE IN:


Sheldon sits in silence in his spot on the couch. Howard, Bernadette, Leonard, Penny, and Amy sit uncomfortably around him eating Chinese food.

PENNYDon’t worry Sheldon. You still have us.

LEONARDYeah, maybe you can spend the day with us tomorrow. We’re going to see the Star Wars exhibit.

SHELDONI wouldn’t waste your time. The Jabba the Hutt is only a replica and there’s an entire section devoted to the prequels.

LEONARDSo, I’m sure it’s still fun.

SHELDONFun? If your idea of fun is spending thirty dollars on an exhibit that is only half devoted to the original trilogy then by all means go right ahead.

HOWARDWell, I guess the old Sheldon really is back.

SHELDONAnd another thing, I have my suspicions as to how good a pianist Mr. Lehman really is. Did you know he didn’t know the theme music to Lord of the Rings. I would think that’s the first thing you would learn. And that grandson of his has no appreciation of the original trilogy. He spent his money on a Jar Jar Binks puppet when there was a perfectly good Yoda puppet sitting right next to it.


The group is interrupted by the door opening. Raj enters sneezing and covered in cat hair. They stare at him for a moment in silence.

RAJI don’t want to talk about it.

FADE TO BLACK.

END OF ACT IV


the coexistence equation

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