rafe nauen - rafe's field guide to constellation sentences (family constellation)

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RAFE’S FIELD GUIDE TO CONSTELLATION SENTENCES A Tv k Using sentences to stimulate movement of the soul in the context of constellation work .5 0 . ft ft Rafe Nauen

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Page 1: Rafe Nauen - Rafe's Field Guide to Constellation Sentences (Family Constellation)

RAFE’S FIELD GUIDETO CONSTELLATION

SENTENCES ATv

kUsing sentences to stimulatemovement of the soul in the

context of constellation work

.50 .

ft

ft

Rafe Nauen

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Rafe’sfieldguidetoconstellationsentencesUsingsentencestostimulatemovementofthesoulinthecontextofconstellationwork

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CONTENTS

Foreword

Introduction

ChapterOne–WhatWhyWhenandWhere?

Chaptertwo–TheSentences

Conclusion

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FOREWORD

Thisbookispartofaseriesthataccompanyfivetrainingmodulesinsystemicconstellationtherapy.

TheoryandPracticeFamily–seebibliographyHealthBusinessMoney

Constellationsareaboutmappingtheelementsofasystemthatappearwhenyouaskthatsystemtoreveal.Themapthenhelpstheindividualtobecomeacutelyawareofthepartheorsheplaysinthebiggerpictureoftheirlife,work,orsimplejourney.

InthisbookIsometimesrefertohe,sometimesshebutinallcasesIamalludingtoeitherorboth.

Inworkingwithindividualsitisoftentruethattheissueorchallengeappearstobeoutsidethatindividual,andresidesinsteadinthesystemtowhichshebelongs.Theconstellationmodelenablesthefacilitator/therapisttoenquireintothatsystembyusingrepresentativesoftheobservedelementsofthesystem.

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INTRODUCTION

IgotintoconstellationworkasaresultofneedingpersonalcounsellinginconnectionwiththeimminentdeathofmythenwifeMaia.ThepsychotherapistIsaacPizer introducedmetoconstellationstherapyalmoststraightawayandIwasblownaway.ItshowedthatIcouldseewhatIwascarryinginmylife,whatbelongedtomeandwhatdidn’t.ThatstoryisdescribedmorefullyinmyfirstbookFamilyConstellations–Unravellingthemysteryofourancestraltimeline.

Thisbookassumesaworkingknowledgeofthelayoutofconstellationtherapyworkshopsandendeavourstofillagapconcerningthewordsweuse,howtheyareformulatedandwhatprompts theuseofsentences.Thereareplentyofsamples,but theprimarysituationshouldalwaysbe,whateverisshowingupinthework–whatcomesfromthefield[1].

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CHAPTERONE–WHATWHYWHEN ANDWHERE?

What are sentences, andwhy dowe use them in constellations andwhere do they comefrom?

WHAT ?

Theyareformofwordsthatimpliesastatementoffact,butthatprobablywouldneverbesaidoutloudinconversationwitharelativeordescendant.

Oneexampleoftenusedisinthecaseofanadultwhofeelsabandonedduringchildhood.Whateverthestorythefundamentaltruthisthatthatchildhasarrivedatadulthood,andiftheyfindthemselvesinaconstellationworkshop,mustbewishingtoruntheirlivesbetter,andnotsimplyescape,theyhavebeensuccessful.Thatmeansthateverythingthathappenedhasbeenpart of their arriving, and nothing that didn’t happen prevented them from becoming thatadult.Thesentencefrequentlyusedinthisscenariois“Dearmother,thankyouformylife,Igotenough”

IreferinmyworktoakindofEdwardianlanguage–slightlyclipped–clearlystatedandslightly off beat with English in the 21st Century! Early BBC broadcasters come tomind.Theyaredefinitelynotdesignedtoillicitananswer,butarestatementsofimpliedfact.“Iambigyouaresmall”“Youarejustachild”“Noneofthishasanythingtodowithyou”

WHY?

Sentencesareusedtostimulatechangewithinafamilyorothertypeofsystemandunlockdoorways intosecondarydimensionsofexperience. In theaboveexample, theconstellationwill havearrivedat aplacewhere the issueholder is ready to say/hear themselves saying“Dearmother, thankyouformy life, Igotenough”.Thesearebreakthroughmoments,andneed tobehandledwithcare.This isnot roleplay,psychodramaoranythingelse.Thefieldwillhaveshownthat that there isareachingoutmovementbythe issueholderas thechild,and the sentence stimulates a softening of the stance, and a reduction in anger. With allsentencesyouneedtocheckthatyouhavetheformofwordsthatcomesfromthefield,andthatthemomenthasarrivedwhentherepresentativesareintherightplacetomanagewhatisbeingaskedofthem.

Sentencesinthisframeworkarelittleclippedphrasesthatsimplifyandaddressstuckplaceswhere people find themselves, and enables movement and change. The concept ofconstellation work is to allow a better balance of energy within a system, and forresponsibilitytoberestoredtotherightplace.Thesentencesrevealmistakesthathavebeenmade with the energetic field and allowed responsibilities to lie in the wrong p2lace. To

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clarify

WHEN?

You have noticed a change in pallor, or stance or seen a reaching out movement, andperhaps someone wants to hug some other representative within the workshop field.Sometimes a hug will do, but in the example given, that would perhaps imply that all isforgiven, and the sentence creates something rather different to that – it is not in anywayforgiving themother[2] for a lackof parental care, ormissinghugs as a five-year-old, orindeedanythingthatwouldenhanceguiltorshameanywhere,ratheritissaying“Thankyou-nothingmorewasneededinmylifeformetobecomeexactlywhoIhavebecome”–whichisofcourseexactlytrueineverycase.Alwaysensurethatasentencedoesnotdisruptorchangethedynamicwhichcomesfrommentalstructuresimposedonthesystem.WhenisREALLYimportant.Itarisesfromthefield,younoticeashiftinenergy,andyouneedsomethingtoliftthat into a breakthrough.That iswhen sentences arise. To second guess and to bring themfrom nowhere can lead to spoiling the ship for a halfpenny worth of tar. (That saying isactuallyacorruption–itshouldbespoilingthesheepforahalfpennyworthofStockholmtar–amedicalointmentusedtostopfootrot!)

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WHERE?

Wherearethesentencesused?Whenyouarriveataplaceintheworkwhereleavingit,justallowingwarmthtopervadethefield,asentencemayshowuptoenableanadjustmentintheenergy. A constellation workshop has three fundamental stages, Diagnosis, Change orMovementandResolution.InDiagnosistheissueholdersetsupthepieceofworkchoosingall the representatives that he or she can visualise as being crucial to the field. The issueholder and the facilitatorget to see the structures, thedynamics and the tensionswithin thefield,andmaybe,somegapsorchallenges.Inthechangepart,thedynamicsareengagedandenabledsothattheenergyinthefieldbalancesitself.Thatmaybebyallowingfreemovementif the fieldappears tohaveenoughenergy for that,or itmaybebyaskingquestionsoforgettingrepresentatives tospeaksentences toother representativesmaysuggestbetterplacesthat appear within the field. The “I am big you are small, you are just a child”may wellintroduceadynamicwhereachildcanmovefromapositionofresponsibilitybythechild[3]for the adult parent, to a placewhich better supports being a childwithin that system, andpreserves or supports the flow of love from the ancestors towards the future and thedescendants,ratherthanintheoppositedirection.

PROVISO

ALWAYSgetthesentencefromthefield.Usetheseexamplesandsamplesonlyincontextandalwayswithcareand love.Feel free toadaptandchange to suit and toexperiment,butalwaysusethefieldasthesource,justusetheseexamplesasthesortofthingyoumightsay/couldsaytorelievethetensioninascenario.

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CHAPTERTWO–SENTENCES

1. “Iambigyouaresmall”isusedtounderlinethefactsthattheissueholderisthechild of this constellation and that the parent is just that, the parent. It re-establishes the flow of love from ancestral towards descendants, and puts thebrakesonsystemswherethechildrenareparentingtheadults.

2. “youare justachild”–canbeusedwith sentenceabove toaugment that flowdirection,butitcanbeusedonitsowntoreinforceanacceptancebyapreviousgeneration that things are theway they are and that responsibility lies entirelywiththeoldergeneration,andnotwiththeyounger.

3. “noneofthishasanythingtodowithyou”–moreintheveinand12and3canbe used all together or separately. This phrase separates the responsibilityclearlyfromthepersonwhoistakingresponsibilitytowhereitmaybelong.Canbeusedinhealthconstellationsorfamilywork

4. “thank you for my life” very powerful concept in any abandonment issues –oftenusedwith5.Itenablestheissueholdertostopwantinganymorefromlifethanheorshealreadyhas.Howcanyouhavemorethanenough?Whenaglassisfullitisfullenough.

5. “Igotenough”stopstheissueholderfromanticipatingthatlifecouldbeperfectas if there were some manual of perfection somewhere and that his or hermotherorfatherwouldhavebeenlikethat.The“Igotenough”enablesafeelingthateverythingthathappened–allthegood,andallthebadhasmadetheissueholderexactlyliketheyare,andthatsincetheyaretryingtobeabetterperson,theygotenoughtotravelfrombirthtohere.Thissentenceisverypowerful,butengagementiscrucial–morethanothersentencesbecauseiftheissueholderisin theplaceofmentalargumentsstill, theywillbesayingunderneath that theydidNOTgetenough.Asoftenrepeatedhere,donotusesentencesbyrote.Theyneedtoarisefromthefield.Whenanadoptedchild(say)issueholderhasstarteda reaching out to a birth parent and maybe you have seen emotions in theparticipants, this sentencewill enable that reaching out to be fulfilledwithoutshameor guilt and a resolutionbreakthroughwill inevitably arise. If they arenotready,andareinanargumentaboutit,youmaynotgetthechanceagain.

6. “I will deal with what I can, but the rest I leave with you” – deals with thescenariowhereachildhasinheritedmorethanisappropriate.Thissentencewillenabletheparenttoacknowledgetheylettoomuchoftheirownstuffthrough.Itmaywellbefollowedupbythechildsayingthattheyrejectthatandhanditbackfor the ancestors creating a situationwhere the child becomes the leader in aprocess of reversing the flow so that the ancestorsmove into their right placewiththechildrenstandinginfrontoftheirparentswiththeirbackstotheparents–therightplaceifyouwill–theplacewheretheflowofloveisalwaystowards

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futuresanddescendants.

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DEARMOTHER,FATHER

Releasingtheholdthatdifficultchildhoodexperienceshavewrought.Iacceptfromyoueverything,allofit,

Andatthefullpriceyoupaidforit,

AndthatItooampayingforit

Iwillmakesomethingofit,

Foryourpleasure,andinyourmemory.

Itshallnothavebeeninvain.

Iwillholdontoitandhonourit

AndwhenIcan,Iwillpassiton,asyoudid.

Itakeyouasmymother/father

Andyoucanhavemeasyourchild.

Youareformetherightone,

AndIamtherightchildforyou.

YouarebigandIamsmall.

YougiveandIreceive–dearMother/dearFather.

IamhappythatyouhavechosenFather/Mother,

Thetwoofyouaretherightonesforme.

Onlyyou!

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MEN ANDWOMEN

RemovingthebarrierstobeingawifeorahusbandHusbandandwifetoeachother;

Itakeyouasmywife/myhusband/witheverythingthatbelongswithyou.

Parentstoeachother:

Iloveourchildren,Iloveyouandrespectyou.

Parentsofahandicappedordeceasedchildtoeachother:

Wewillbearittogether–withlove.

Husbandtohiswifewhohasdiedgivingbirthtotheirchild:

Myloveforyouremains;andinremembranceofyou,Iwilltakecareofourchild.

Husband,sufferingfromterminalillness,tohiswife:

Ientrustourchildrentoyou–withlove.

Secondwifetothedivorcedfirstwife:

Youarethefirst,Iamthesecond.

Secondwifetothedeceasedfirstwife:

Iwilltakeonyourchildren–outofloveforyou.

ParentsandChildren

Father,withterminalillness,tohischildren:

Iamentrustingyoutoyourmother–withlove.

Mother,whosehusbanddiedearly,toherchildren:

InyouIalsoloveandhonouryourfather.Heisstillhereforyou,throughme.

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Divorcedmothertoherchildren,seeingthattheyhatetheirfather:

Ilovedyourfatherverymuch,andifyoubecomelikehim,Iassenttothat.

Womanwhowouldhavepreferredtomarryanothermantoherchildren:

Foryou,yourfatheristhebest.

Motherandfathertoanabortedchild:

Mydearchild.

Itakeyounowasmychild,andyoumayhavemeasyourmother/yourfather.

AndIamsorry.

Inowgiveyouaplaceinmyheart,andyoushallhaveapartofthegoodthatIshallbringaboutinmemoryofyouandconsiderationofyou.

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CHILDREN ANDPARENTS

RemovingunwantedblockagestothesoulthathaveoccurredduringchildhoodChildtofatherandmother,bowingtothemdeeply:

Ihonouryou.

Sontohismother,whodiedgivingbirthtohim:

DearMother,pleaseblessme.

Son,wantingtofollowhisfather,tohisfather,whodiedinprisonforhisconviction:

Iwillnotletyougounlessyoublessme.

Sontohisfatherwhobecameculpableinthewar:

FatherIletyougo,whateveryourfateandyourguilt.

Terminallyillsontohisfather,whilestillunabletobowbeforehim:

Please,givemetime.

Childtofatherwhokilledhimself:

Ibowtoyourdecisionandtoyourfate.

Youwillalwaysremainmyfather,andIwillalwaysremainyourchild.

Sonofanalcoholicfathertohismother:

Mother,Iwillrespectmyfather,justlikeIrespectyou.

Daughter,whomthefatheridentifieswithhisformerwife,toherfatherasshepointstohermother:

Sheismymother,andIamherdaughter.

Sheistheonlyrightoneforme.

Ihavenothingtodowiththeotherwoman.

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Thissamedaughtertohermother:

Youaremymother,andIamyourdaughter.

Youaretherightoneforme.

IhavenothingtodowithFather'spreviouswife.

Son,whomthemotheridentifieswithherformerhusband,tohismotherashepointstohisfather:

Heismyfather,andIamhisson.

Onlyheistherightoneforme.

Ihavenothingtodowiththeotherman.

Thesamesontohisfather:

Youaremyfather,andIamyourson.

Youaretherightoneforme.

IhavenothingtodowithMother'sprevioushusband.

Sontohismother,whenshespeaksdisparaginglyabouthisfather:

Inseeinghim,youarealsoseeingme.

Daughtertohermother,whensheisafraidofbecominglikeher:

Look,Ihavebecomejustlikeyou,andIamcontentwiththat.

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SIBLINGS

Issuesthathavearisenbetweensiblings.Womantoheroldersister,whotookcareofherasachild:

Iknowwhatyougaveme.Irespectitanditaccompaniesme.

Womantoherbrother,whomshefeelsmightnotbeagoodfathertohisson:

Forhim,youarethebest.

Mantohisolderbrother,whodiedearly:

Irespectyouasmybigbrother,

Youarethefirst,andIamthesecond.

Childofunmarriedparents,totheyoungersiblings,fromwhomithadbeenkeptasecret:

Iamyoursister,yourbrother.

Womantoherolderbrother,forwhoseguiltsheisatoning:

Irespectyourfate,andIremainwithmine.

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PARENTSANDCHILDREN

Fromparents,releasingthemfrominjunctionsmadeduringtheirchildhoodGivingandReceiving

Mother,toherson,atwhosebirthshebecameill:

Iwasgladtogiveyoulife,evenatthisprice.Youmaykeepthegift–itwillmakemehappy.

Childtoparents,whomarriedforthechild'ssake,andwhoareunhappy:

Whatevertheblameortheguiltmaybebetweenyou–Iacceptwhatyougavemewithlove.

Childtothemother,whowasinjuredinthebirthprocess:

DearMother,asyoupaidsuchaheavypriceformylife,itshallnothavebeeninvain.

Womantohermother,whodiedinchildbirth;

Mother,dearMother,thiswasreallyterrible.

And,pointingtoherfamily:

Look,lifehascontinuedinagoodway.

Iampassingonwhatyouhavegiventome.

Childtomotherwhogavethechildupforadoption:

Mother,ifitrelievesyouofaburden,Iwillcarryitwillingly.

Adoptedchild,onseeingthemotheragain:

Iamhappythatyougavebirthtome.

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REMAIN ING

Forchildren–allowingparentsthefreedomtoleavethesystemwithoutitaffectingthem(toomuch)Childtoparents,seeingthatoneofthemwantstoleaveordie:

DearFather,dearMother,

Eventhoughyoumayleave,Iwillstay.

Iwillalwayshonouryou.

Youwillalwaysremainmyfather.Youwillalwaysremainmymother.

Childtosomeoneinthefamilytowhomthechildwantstosay,"Iwouldratherdiethanyou:"

DearFather(orDearMother),pleaseblessme,eventhoughyouareleavingandIamstaying.

Childtodeceasedfamilymembers,whenthischilddoesnotdaretolivebecausetheyaredead:

DearFather(orMother,orBrother,orSister),youaredead.Iwillliveawhilelonger,thenIwilldiealso.

Or:

Iwillcompletewhathasbeengiventome,aslongasitlasts.ThenItoowilldie.

Motherwhowantedtodie,toherlittledaughter,whohadfallendeathlyill:

Iwillstay–andIwillbehappyifyoualsostay.

Womantohergreat-grandmother,whohaddiedinchildbirth:

Please,befriendly,ifIstaywithmyhusbandandmychild.

Anorexicdaughtertoherfather,whowantstoleave:

DearFather,evenifyouleave,-Iwillstay.IstaywithMother.

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Andtohermother:

Mother,evenifFatherleaves,Iwillstay.

Bulimicgirl,forwhomeatingmeanswantingtoliveandpurgingmeanswantingtodie,toherfather.

Father,Iamstaying.IlikewhatIgettoeatwithyou.

Iacceptitgladlyfromyou.

Compulsivegamblertohisgrandfatherandfather,seeingthathewantstofollowthenintodeath:

Iwouldrathergamblemymoneyawaythanmylife.

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SOLVING

Honouring the state of fact, and enabling themovementawayfromholdingontopasthurt.

Fathertohisson,whoholdhimincontempt:

Listen,myson:Iamyourfather,andyouaremyson.

Father,heavilydisabledfromthewar,tohisdaughter,whowantstotakeonhissuffering:

Iwillbearitmyself.AsfarasIamconcerned,youarefree.

Childtoparentswhomistreatedthechild:

Itwasterrible.Nevertheless,Iwillmakesomethingwithmylife.

Husbandtohiswifewhowasabusedasachild:

Allowyourselftolovethem,thenyouarefree.

Whensomeonehasmadeamistakeandsuffersfromit:

Imadeamistake,andnowIaccepttheconsequences.

Daughtertohermotherwhotoldhershewasawhore:

Iam,-alittlebit.

Womanwhowantstoobjectimmediatelywhensomeonewayssomethingunfair:

Thereissomethinginthat.

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LEAVE-TAKINGANDPEACE

Emptynestingprocess,andfollowingdivorceetc.Childtoparentsupongrowingupandleaving:

Iacceptwhatyouhavegivenme.

Itwasagreatdeal,anditwasenough.

TherestIwilldomyself.

AndnowIwillleaveyouinpeace.

Manandwomantoeachotherattheirseparation:

Iacceptwhatyouhavegivenme.Itwasgreatdeal.

Iwilltakeitwithmeandhonouritalways.

Forwhatwentwrongbetweenus,Iacceptmypartoftheresponsibility,andleaveyouwithyourpart.

AndnowIleaveyouinpeace.

Parentstotheirchildwhodied:

Wegladlygaveyoulifeandgladlydidforyoueverythingthatwedid.

Weletyougonow,inpeace.

Yetforusyouwillalwaysremainourchildandweyourparents.

Fathertosonwhokilledhimself:

Iholdforyouaplaceinmyheart.

YouwillalwaysremainmysonandIyourfather.

Childtofatherwhokilledhimself:

Irespectyourfateandyourdecision.

Youshouldknowthatthingshaveworkedoutwell.

Andnowyoucanhaveyourpeace.

Daughtertofather,whomshefounddead,havingkilledhimself:

DearFather,withinmeyouarestillalive,andwithinmeyouaredoingwell.

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IwillletyouparticipateinwhatIdo.

Mothertoherson,whodiedinanaccident,andforwhomshestillgrieves:

Irespectyourlifeandyourdeath.

Daughtertoherfather,whodiedwhenshewasstilllittle:

DearFather,youarestillherewithinme.

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CONCLUSION

Buildyourownrepertoireofsentencesthatyoufeelcomfortablewith,butalwaysbuildthemfromwhatarisesinthefield.Thefewnotedhereareusedcommonlyandoftenleadtoothers,orprompttherepresentativetosay“No,that’snotquiteright”whereuponyoucanaskiftheyhavethewords,oryoucanadjustthemyourself.Thesesentenceshavecomefromavarietyofsourcesandhavebeenusedbefore.Mytrainingyieldedmanyofthem,andmyreadingmostoftherest.

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INDEX

ChildrenandParents ,21DearMother,Father ,17Leave-takingandPeace ,35MenandWomen ,18PARENTSANDCHILDREN ,27Remaining ,29Siblings ,25Solving ,33

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[1]Fieldreferstothespaceheldforthepieceofworkandrepresentsallthespaceneededforthealltherepresentativesofthatparticularsystem.Thingsthatshowup–forexamplepeoplethathavebeenforgotten,familysecrets,peoplethathavebeenexcludedcanbesaidtohavebeenshownbythefield.

[2]InthisbookMotherandFathermayalwaysbeequallyinterchangeable.However,becausethemotherhasbeenthevesselforthechildfor9months,thatbondhasastrongerimpact,especiallywhenthebondgetsdamagedbyseparation.

[3]Childmeansjustthat–evena70-year-oldmanisthechildinaconstellationthatincludeshisparents