• Despite many success stories both offline and online, the number of casualties falling victim to marriage bandits is rising every year

• Whether this is due to the ‘Halo effect’, blind innocence or not doing your research, the effects can be both devastating and demoralising for the victims and their families that have been targeted

• In this webinar we will teach you how to ‘check yourself before you wreck yourself’ by disclosing the common techniques that predators, gold diggers and players use to locate and trick their victims,

• By educating you on how to spot the signs of a non genuine prospective spouse, you can ultimately avoid the inevitable heartache, pain and humiliation that such a person would bring into your life – remember, forewarned is forearmed.

The saying, “There are plenty of fish in the sea” may be true but it is only half of the story. If we use this analogy further we’ll find that there are more than just one type of ‘fish’, some of which are highly dangerous and whose sole purpose is to take advantage of innocent people.

We can classify these dangerous prospective spouses into the following:

THE PREDATOR: Extremely dangerous and highly manipulative, often have an ulterior motive

THE GOLD DIGGER: Will marry just for money, outright scammers for citizenship

THE PLAYER: Casts the spell of affection and sympathy. A well loved sociopath.

By breaking down their behaviour we can analyse their strategies and learn the tell tale signs to look out for in order to protect ourselves

Like the most feared creature in all the seas – the shark– predators are ruthless, smart and always on the lookout for new prey

They are well experienced – their victims are by choice, not chance. They often target the most vulnerable individuals of society and always do their research before ‘going in for the kill’

They are highly controlling and manipulative in nature and work to isolate you from your family and friends whilst lulling you into a false sense of security

They are relentless and persistent in their actions, knowing that if you are lonely or isolated they will eventually be able to gain your trust and be successful in their mission.

Like stalkers, they are able to collect information about you – including what you told them without realising. This enables them to find your weaknesses and use them against you by telling you exactly what you need to hear

You meet this so called practising brother who is married to another woman you know. He uses typical Muslim clichés like 'Marry me so I don't have to lower my gaze every time I see you’. He showers you with love and support when you feel low or lonely and persuades you no matter how much you object. He plays mind games and makes you think you are losing a blessing by not accepting him. He separates you from those that you could rely on for help.

He asks you to meet him in a public place which soon become the most secluded of private places. Things ‘just happen’ until you feel there is no turning back. He hides your marriage and uses various excuses for it. Once married he uses you to his own purpose and won’t give you your rights or his attention. Having made you give up your family and friends, you are now left completely on your own with no one to turn to.

As mentioned in previous webinars prevention is better than cure –keep your relationships with other people halal by maintaining boundaries

Don’t share personal information in the early stages and never reveal details about yourself than can be used against you (secrets, photos etc) – it is not appropriate to share them before marriage anyway

Predators won’t attack a woman who is protected by her mahram or waliso make sure that they are involved in the process as that is what they are there for – never agree to meet them alone, even in a public place

If you suspect you are in trouble or your prospective spouse is moving too quickly without all the protective checks then run!

Predators show extreme characteristics – either isolate you or get too friendly with those you love, making everyone believe they are good

Be on your guard and don’t easily trust anyone no matter how smart you think you are - Focus more on actions than on words, don’t fall for sweet

talk

There is a narrow but important difference between a gold digger and someone who values your role as a ‘provider’

The gold digger would deride and perhaps leave you if you lost your ability to provide for them financially

‘All that glitters is not gold’ – the gold digger may try to impress with their own ‘wealth’ to attract wealthy spouses, but it can easily be fake jewellery, rented cars or stolen gadgets.

Conversations mostly revolve around money, lifestyle and materialism. They may demand unreasonable mahrs or pre-marital contracts

Gold diggers are usually considered women but can apply to men in other circumstances such as getting a visa, asking for money to help with a ‘difficult situation’, wanting the wife to work instead etc

Gold diggers have definite goals: Some want money or lifestyle while others want citizenship – they will use their physical appearance or charm in order to get what they want

Your prospective wife is the most beautiful person you’ve seen. You correspond with her for a while and are growing to like her a lot. At some point she tells you that you are the love of her life, and she is dying to meet you in person. Money is the only problem. So, could you please send her some cash to help her pay for the tickets/visa/passport?

Such a request when money is involved should immediately put a man on his guard. It often catches him off guard instead. Why? Because he feels like he has known this woman forever when in fact he has not. He sure is convinced this woman is completely innocent. She is just really desperate and needs his help. He being a gentleman, wants to rescue his future wife out of any distress! It’s the least he can do for her, right?

Never share your bank details or trust anyone with any amount of money, especially strangers

Gold diggers are lazy and want money without earning it –so analyse the questions you are being asked no matter how innocuous they seem (eg “Do you mind work after marriage?”)

They will burn through not only your money but time and energy as well

The gold digger doesn’t stop with mahr or dowry but has long term goals – they are people dying to cash in on men's feelings or women’s weaknesses

Never pay for the visa of a prospective spouse coming from abroad – this is THEIR responsibility and they may weave many tales of why they can’t afford it

Sisters in particular – if a man is asking you to pay for his airfare or visa etc then be careful NEVER to help him in this regard financially

Players are experienced liars and master manipulators. They know what they want and know exactly how to get it.

They are serial offenders – there’s no such thing as ‘the one’ for them, and despite what you believe you won’t be able to ‘change them’

Their tactics include: finding victims based on their vulnerability, innocence or foolishness; charming and sweet talking you; lying to gain sympathy or make an impression; spreading false information about themselves online and making you feel special

They are also very good at making you feel like the guilty party –they have self-inflated egos and so do not take rejection well

They either do not care about Islamic etiquette or boundaries and will think nothing of flirting and being alone with you, or their practising appearance will give them the impression of maintaining boundaries whilst they simultaneously break them down

Players never have long term goals. For them ‘the chase is better than the catch’ so they’ll be quick to dispose of you once you have served their purpose.

Your prospective spouse is handsome and friendly. You spoke very

little with him but he requested your number because he’s moving or

his online membership is soon expiring. You are flattered, and so

agree. The next day he is texting and calling repeatedly, wanting to

meet up ASAP because he really likes you. Curious, you research him

online only to find out he is perfect. He is very Islamic and doesn't

have girlfriends. You quickly come to a conclusion that he is the best

man you could ever have and give him the chance to meet you in

person or share photos that he desperately needs.

After you give in, you notice fewer calls and late or no responses. The

tides have turned and you spend so much time, energy and money to

get him to talk to you. You are hurt and upset and begin to realize that

you never knew much about him and when you start to check out the

things he told you none of it really seems to stand up.

Don’t judge a book by its cover – they can look religious, but if they are flirtatious or ask to meet up alone, they are not as pious as they are making out to be.

In case of online searches, don’t take conversations off the website. These players want to avoid leaving a trail that could easily be detected and give their game away

Most predators/players do NOT look scary. In fact they are handsome, charismatic, charming and feign piety

They quote hadiths or scholars to rationalise their misguided thinking and to manipulate you into thinking their way, but they rarely provide solid daleel/proof.

Any religious knowledge they give is always self-serving and to help them meet their needs – including the quotation of weak or fabricated hadith

Getting married with the intention of divorce (a temporary marriage or mut’ah) is an invalid marriage, because mut’ah is haram by consensus.

Virtual or phone marriages are yet another trap by predators – allows them to marry and divorce women countless times, sometimes for a few hours or days, with virtually no physical trail or evidence

They can hide marriage/divorce records from the community and continue posing as upright individuals

Appearances are often deceiving – some may have the beard/hijab and a ‘Deen comes first’ profile but their behaviour will contradict this

Those that are vulnerable or easy to fool are usually:

Those without family and/or a network of friends

Widows/widowers, reverts, orphans

Those with low self-esteem and confidence

Divorced women with and without children

Men with strong desires or low self-esteem

Foreign students or workers

Ones who are attracted towards external appearances or supercial traits

Those with weak emaan and weak self-control

Don’t warn or threaten them directly – it can aggravate them and give them ammunition

Don’t suffer in silence – talk to your family, walior organisations that can help

Inform the local authorities or your local imam

Take back control by refusing to take the bait –stop interacting with them, which is more effective than trying to reason with them

Block their calls/messages and CUT THEM OFF including blocking them on social media

If your spouse is the predator – seek counsel and don’t just ‘shut up and put up’

Involve wali at all times even if you are in the conversation stage – Allah SWT has created them for your protection

The best way to not get emotionally involved is to keep conversations halal and in presence of wali/third person

Do your istikhara sincerely AND be content with Allah’s decree

Do your research – get character references from their place of work, ask the local imams, do a Google search – you’ll be surprised how much this can reveal

Listen to your instincts – if something about them doesn’t feel right, investigate the matter

Remember, if a person is genuine, they will meet the family, if not, they will make excuses to meet you on your own

Your personal matters are exactly that – personal. Keep them to yourself

Social media sharing is a fitnah – what you post online can be shared around the world in minutes – even if you take things down, you never know who has taken your pictures and manipulated them

Easy for an experienced stalker to find out your exact location from the GPS setting on your phone – so TURN OFF GPS settings or location setting on your smartphone

Never EVER get into a conversation with a non-mahram on Facebook or anywhere else for no reason since this opens the doors to fitnah

So long as there will be vulnerable or irresponsible people in the world, there will always be opportunities for players, gold diggers and predators

A little common sense, research and shrewd behaviour can go a long way to protect yourself from fake prospective spouses

A man respects a woman who requires effort to marry – in other words a woman who is protected by her mahram/wali

Prevention is better than cure, however we shouldn’t let fake prospective spouses ruin our chances of find the right one – most people are genuine

If outward appearance sways you easily, and you are naturally open and talkative, chances are you could be the next victim.

Discuss concerns with wise adults – involve guardians in each step

Do not waste your feelings, sympathy, and money on scammers. Save it all for someone who truly deserves it.

Perform Istikara without inner desires and Allah SWT will guide you

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