a pol i t ical , l i terar y & general news- papervol x x x vi i , issue 4, 25th March 2015

est 1843

Hist Auditor denies accusations of friendship among Committee members page 3

Yes Campaign provides boost for straight students'Facebook likes

page 18

25th March 20152 | News

Amnesty-funded Lake Bled pissup "a smashing success!"Praise has been fl ying in for students who managed to fund a mass piss-up at Lake Bled using unsuspecting donors’ money. Jailbreak was once again a success this year as 93 teams sought to make it to the Mystery Rave on the Balkan Peninsula under the guise of charity. Some teams even managed to make the fi nal destination while only raising a little over the meagre €300 minimum required to take part, a monumental achievement as they even man-aged to make a net profi t on the event. “Yeah, we had already lost but still got some lad to buy us a train ticket to Bled in time for the Lake Rave. Mad what people will do you for you when you say its for charity!” said a beaming Jamie Harris. Jamie’s team eventually fi nished 73rd in Jailbreak’s fi nal standings.

Jailbreak is always remembered for the hi-larious and heartwarming stories that emanate from the weekend holiday, with the charity el-ement becoming a mere footnote. “Some lad had no change so just gave us a few yokes in-

stead, really is amazing to see peoples’ gen-erosity. Really touched my heart.” Noted one competitor who impressively made it to Am-sterdam within hours of the starting time but unfortunately was unable to make it further during the following 60 hours. The weird and wacky ways teams managed to raise money to fund their excursions were once again genius and cunning. Sponsorship from Daddy’s fi nan-cials services fi rm and a coffee morning were just two examples of some competitors inge-nuity to afford fl ights and interrail passes.

The true winners of the event were SVP and Amnesty International. Amnesty were quoted as saying they’re delighted because now they can afford yellow snapbacks for the committee to match their ugly yellow jumpers in order to draw attention to the plight of hipsters, a truly selfl ess cause. The Head of Amnesty followed this up by claiming next year Amnesty would be holding by far the “most luxurious” coffee mornings as the cakes would be fl own in from

Paris while the coffee beans would be coming fresh from South America. “We feel by im-porting coffee beans we are showing solidar-ity with underpaid farmers in South America instead of buying that cheap shit from Tesco, you know what I mean?” she was quoted as declaring in her screeching South Dublin ac-cent. The benefi cial effects of Jailbreak truly are remarkable. SVP meanwhile will use the much needed funds to maintain the runnings of its Soup Run, Panto, visitations, Kids Clubs, Adult Literacy Programmes and its work at the Homeless Day centre among other things so its still uncertain whether there’ll be some money left to update their bland grey hoodies.

Unremarkable man elected Chair of 18 societies by indifferent mates dragged to AGM.A new record has been set for ‘most societies run by one guy’ this year as JS BESS Student Seamus O’Healy-Le Bouqlier was last week elected as Chair of Juggling Society, Knit Soc, Lit Soc, DU Players, TES, Enactus, Afro-Ca-ribbean Society, DUPA, Christian Union, Q Soc, SUAS, VDP, Caledonia Society, Europa, SOFIA, Scandinavian Soc, Jewish Society and Trinity Arts Festival.

All in all, O’Healy-Le Bouqlier was success-fully elected chair of 18 student societies. “I was overwhelmed with the support I received from all my mates that I asked to come and vote for me at various AGMs throughout the week,” he said. “I couldn’t believe my luck, ‘cos the lads had two essays due. I was so touched they all took time out of the library to attend 18 separate AGMs just to aid my per-sonal gain and to pad my CV. I just can’t de-scribe how good it feels to win an election you go into without any doubt of winning because of all the people you asked to vote for you.” He confi ded in Piranha, “I felt a bit bad about that lad at the Juggling Soc AGM, when your man who ran against me had clearly been in the game since his fi rst year . . . but I think any

reasonable person would agree that the oppor-tunity to have Auditor of Jug Soc on my CV is just too gas to let slip.’ LeBuck is reported to have never actually attended a Juggling Soc event prior to the AGM, nor is there any circus skills listed on his lengthy CV . . . Not that this would have any impact on his ability to run a successful session of the society next year.

A new CSC award is being planned for next year’s award ceremony for ‘Society member with the least shame.’ Intended to give Seamus the recognition he earned from sending out countless Facebook mails to everybody that could possibly be at the AGM of any given so-ciety asking them to vote for him.

The biggest success was probably seen in ac-quiring the position of Festival Director of the Trinity Arts Festival. The position was hotly contested, but despite the heartfelt and emo-tive speeches from other nominees whose pas-sions were fi rmly rooted in the arts, and each had a vast array of ideas for the festival, Sea-mus trumped them all by just whipping off his sunglasses, and shouting up to his mob of pals up the back saying, “You know what to do

lads! Bring the crown home!” Seamus, despite his Donnybrook address, has applied to live on campus next year to add some convenience to his year in power. “With 18 societies un-der my thumb, and fi nal year to keep on top of, there’s just no hope for maintaining good family relations. Plus, it is kinda imperative to have a room on campus for getting to know all these new council members at a more personal level . . . if you know what I mean.” The Pi-ranha reporter did in fact not know what Sea-mus meant, but needless to say, this is a man whose face you will be seeing in the Trinity 20 of Fresher’s week, and there is much anticipa-tion from the whole student body to see how he will fare in each of the 18 posts.

25th March 2015 News | 3

Notes From The Throne

Quod Dixeunt DixeuntWhat they said around College this week

Address all frivolous complaints to:

The Provost, 1 Grafton Street, Dublin 2.

Return of the King: Cormac Shine

Next year's Editor: Anna Sheehan Comms Offi cer: Aifric Ni Chriodain

Next year's Deputy: Jordan Boyd

Took the Famine Ship: Hugh Guidera

New Blood: Glen Byrne Peter O Brien Hogan Tom Cantillon Hannah Beresford Darragh Murray Nick Spare Oscar Hassett Ross Mullen Audit Assistant at Deloitte Ireland:Damien Carr

The Piranha is a satirical newspaper and should be regarded as such by all. Be advised that some readers may fi nd the contents of The Piranha to be off ensive. If you believe that you may be such a person, please seek advice from a qualifi ed profes-sional before reading. Nothing to do with us, it’s just that you clearly have mental problems. Serious com-plaints about the content of the publication should be addressed to the Editor, Regent House. All events and people described in The Piranha are fi ctional. Any resemblance to real events or real people is uninten-tional, and hilarious. The Piranha is a member of Trinity Publications and a family of omnivorous freshwater fi sh that live in South American riv-ers, being funded by a grant from the former. The Piranha is a fully participating member of the Press Council of Ireland and supports the Offi ce of the Press Ombuds-man. The opinions expressed in The Piranha are not refl ective in any way of any view held by any-one, anywhere, at any time. The opinions expressed herein are es-pecially not representative of The Piranha and indeed any creature, inanimate object, institution, or person involved in its production, publication and distribution. The Piranha claims all special rights and privileges, just in case. The Piranha is not an equal opportunity employer, in the sense that it does not employ anybody and therefore is not an em-ployer strictly speaking. The Piranha is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

“Delighted with the profi ler. Needless to say I still don’t give a fuck about Hindu culture

or traditions.”Gearoid Mac Giolla Naichbhamhaitheagh,

Holi festival participant.

“I just have my doubts about the nickname ‘CumSoc’” -

Raymond Kerrigan-Jones, Auditor of the newly-founded Christian Unitar-

ian and Methodist Society.

" Paid 10 students €10 to attend a "Non-Involved Forum" for the SP.

Three came. #Engagement #WhatI-ActuallyDoAllDay"@DomhnallMCGB,TCDSU President,Noted Monotasker.

“I wouldn’t trust these university league tables. They only take into

account things like a chronic lack of resources and long-term investment,

limited funding, poor facilities, lack of staff-student engagement, managerial incompetence, things like that. There’s lots more going for Trinity. We have a

new logo.”Patrick Prendergast, Provost.

On This Day In Trinity's History

“I mean, we lost a few acts to Glaston-bury and Coachella, naturally, but if that petition to bar Kanye West has its way then who knows, we could be seeing Trin-ity Orchestra supporting Yeezy himself in

April haha!” Finn Murphy, Ents Offi cer.

Thank you to Domhnall McGlack-en-Byrne, who follows a long line of SU presidents who have provid-ed ample copy for these pages, both in his desperately lonely attempts to effect change within a byzantine organisation that nobody really cares about 50 weeks of the year, and in the fact that his hilariously long and improbable name helps us fi ll our thinly-worded and ill-thought out articles no end. Dom-hnall McGlacken-Byrne, we salute you. Thank you Domhnall McGla-cken-Byrne - and we expect pay-ment for that pre-electoral bribe you promised us last year any day now. Also, thank you to Jack Leahy, whose continued contributions to this issue over the past fi ve years need no introduction. We can only hope the national media continues to slate your hack-riddled mind’s machinations over the next twelve months before your career as USI

milk monitor ends in abject scan-dal, disgrace and poverty.

You may also have noticed this is-sue is bizarrely emblazoned with Trinity Ents logos - thank you to Finn Murphy, who along with his predecessor helped fund an extra issue of last year’s edition. Without their help, we wouldn’t have been able to sustain our expensive sweet and sour chicken ball habit. The Piranha holds true to its indentured words and fully submits to the bid-ding of its corporate overlords for this issue. I’m sure our forays into advertising will stand terrible stu-dent nights out in good stead.

A big thank you to this year’s out-going editor, Hugh Guidera, for all his work this year. Hugh couldn’t edit the fi nal issue of the year, as he’s attempting to break the stereo-type of Piranha editors being GMB

debating hack-types by embark-ing on a month-long, all-expenses paid debating tour of America af-ter winning the Irish Times Debat-ing Competition (presumably he’ll spread the word about not living up to this stereotype at a speaking engagement in Miami). Also best of luck to the fantastic Anna Sheehan, who will be returning from a year of sauna orgies and Reindeer-blud-geoning in Finnish Erasmus bliss to helm this veritable publication. We wish Anna all the best as she steers the Piranha into its improb-ably middle-aged 37th full year in existence.

Yours fi shily,

Cormac Shine

ON THIS DAY17th March 1592: Annual feast celebration begins as Queen Eliza-beth drives all the Catholics out of Trinity.

2015: The Hist reveals that the scandal train of the last three years has actually been a highly success-ful performance art piece. Michael Coleperson is revealed to be Joa-quin Phoenix in tweedy disguise.

1966: Future Trinity security guard bullied at school for fi rst time.

2020: Trinity surpassed by Letter-kenny IT and Ballinrobe Communi-ty College in QS World University Rankings.

2045: The Hist regains some sem-blance of dignity (the aforemen-tioned performance art piece was actually misinformation spread by a disgruntled committee member).

2016: TCDSU and QSoc hold Mock Same-Sex Divorce & Do-mestic Dispute event.

And so we come to the end of another year. A year of soaring highs and grim lows in Trinity, following the 422 equally rollercoaster years that preceded it within these hallowed college walls. This issue has largely been brought to you by a cast of old and new in the Piranha, as we lay the groundwork for another year of this barely-justifi able, wholly super-fl uous, astonishingly hit-and-miss stab at student satire. There is little to do here apart from fi ll the required space reserved for an editorial with a spate of deserved and undeserved thank yous to those who have made this publication what it is, both as subjects and “satirists” this year.

25th March 20154 | News

University Times to Receive the Rebekah Brooks Lifetime Achievement Award Award for Journalistic IntegrityThe University Times were proud today to ac-cept the first annual Rebekah Brooks Award for Journalistic Integrity. The award was estab-lished this year by the eponymous disgraced ex-editor of the now-defunct News of the World, along with former colleague and fellow disgraced ex-editor of the News of the World, Andy Coulson, and disgraced ex-editor of this very publication and general disgrace, John Engle. The award “will honour those hacks who follow the Brooks path, hacking through the branches of discourse and honesty taking root in our society, instead planting the fragrant weeds of political intrigue and backstabbery”.

Speaking from his smuggled phone at HMP Belmarsh, Coulson told the Piranha that the student newspaper had been a dead cert for the first edition of the award. “They just blew us away, to be honest. Their article on the relation-ship between enquiries and the CSC just went to show how the best solution to incompetent journalistic practices like utterly shafting your sources and defaming College staff is to just pretend nothing happened, and if anything did happen it’s not your fault, not that it happened, and to generally follow up such fantastic re-porting with more of the same.”

Moreover, Coulson elaborated, the fine people

of University Times had shown time after time their commitment to ‘Getting a Story Out’, re-gardless of the truth behind said story, the wel-fare of its subjects, or general public interest in subject matter which would warrant the writing of a news article in the first place. Piranha re-porters went out and about on campus to inter-view the ordinary student about their opinion of the official college newspaper being awarded this new accolade, but unfortunately none of them wished to comment, saying that in previ-ous times they’d been interviewed by UT they had their “words twisted” and “names dragged unnecessarily across the public eye, without any real justification as to why they were being so unduly slandered”, or that they “didn’t realise UT was still a thing, is it still being printed?”

When asked how they felt about receiving such an award, University Times representatives said they were “delighted” to have been grant-ed such an honour, and “overwhelmed to have finally been given some recognition for their cut throat style journalism.” Speaking from his new office in House 6, Acting-Editor-Elect Ed-mund Heaphy spoke of his own personal pride in managing to stay clean of the scandals the paper suffered this year, with the help of noted colleagues such as Jack Leahy. [Leahy was un-available for comment at time of print. The Pi-

ranha wishes him all the best with his USI cam-paign, which some have described as “more relentless than an aggressive pancreatic cancer” - ed]. “It’s such a relief,” Heaphy told this re-porter. “I know we obviously did some terrible things this year - betrayed our sources, slan-dered staff and students, and generally spread vicious rumours about our peers, but the paper has thrived. The team is as strong as ever, not one of us has faced any negative consequences as a result of this. Not a single one. It’s almost as though people didn’t notice the scandals - there’s still hundreds of untouched copies of the last issue, and web hits have stayed consistently mediocre for the past couple of months.”

Some UT writers were even heard rejoicing at being aligned with a public figure like Brooks, as she was the first female editor of her own paper and therefore must be a representative of progress and never anything else, ever.

25th March 2015 News | 5

Senior Piranha Staff Member Opens Up About Struggle to Come to Terms with Upper Middle Class PrivilegeCiting a period of deep soul searching that came about in the wake of a University Times article accusing The Piranha of political bias and unfairly targeting traditionally privileged groups for ridicule, a senior member of the publication’s staff has decided to open up about his struggle to overcome the shame of his own privileged upper middle class upbringing.

The staff member, who has asked to remain anonymous, tearfully recounted harrowing childhood tales of mid-term breaks spent at the family chalet in the Three Valleys and trips to the Gaeltacht punctuated by transatlantic city breaks. These disturbing images were compounded by gory details of a life spent in the safety and comfort of a leafy south Dublin suburb. The writer lamented that “sometimes I just desperately wish that my parents had been crack addicts and we had lived off of social benefi ts, because then my mocking of people from privileged backgrounds wouldn’t come off as so comically hypocritical”.

The staff member tacitly conceded that the guilt of his privileged upbringing may have

infl uenced the content of his writing, “Just because I’m a white upper middle class male from south Dublin doesn’t mean that I condone the crypto-fascist social order of the straight white patriarchy, and I really just want people to know that,” he insisted “I didn’t choose to be a heterosexual, cisgender white male from an affl uent background but it’s something I have to live with every day.”

In the most emotionally wrenching portion of the interview, the staff member recounted his desperate attempts to change. As his white straight maleness slowly ate away at his self-esteem, the staff member turned to all sorts of futile solutions to become less privileged, but unfortunately, with the notable exception of “that one magical night at the George”, had little success. “I suppose I’m just going to have to learn to accept it,” he conceded with a look of hopeless resignation, “I am who I am.” There are signs of future improvements, he notes. “We’ve really diversifi ed our writer recruitment efforts. At fi rst we went a bit mad, and recruited staff from Jesuit schools outside Dublin, not just the classics on the southside.

Now, the sky’s the limit - private south Dub-lin schools of all stripes - Holy Ghost, Jesuit, Christian Brothers. Diversity, it’s the future bro.”

Magaluf Announced as 2015 Class Rep Weekend DestinationSU President Domhnall McGlacken-Byrne re-cently revealed that Magaluf, Majorca, will be location of the 2015 class rep training week-end, not long after revelations of an allegedly sexist hypnotist performance at last year’s 2-day event. The SU President stated the rea-soning is in part due to “getting away from last year’s sticky situation to a more ‘anything-goes’ environment”.

The decision was met with controversy from the student body. DUGES has voiced concern over the event, stating that it would perpetu-ate sexism and latent misogyny within a union that is supposed to represent every student’s interests. The Hist, however, have been in sup-port of the move, publicly proposing conduct-ing a masterclass in teamwork and online pub-lic relations during the weekend.

In his statement following the decision, Mc-Glacken-Byrne addressed a number of con-cerns about last year’s event. “Look, none of this fake-shit hypnotised lap-dancing, we’re going to hit the real strip clubs” McGlacken-Byrne proposed, “and you can expect a more

of snorting coke off the dancers’ backs. We took advantage of last week’s legal loophole to get in a shipment.”

The decision coincides with growing public outcry from some circles about the SU Presi-dent’s position on issues of gender equality. Students point to changes in McGlacken-By-rne’s Twitter hashtag from ‘#WhatIActually-DoAllDay’ to ‘#WhoIActuallyDoEachNight’, and when commenting on the prospective majority-female SU Offi cership, saying that he was in favour because “increased chances, mate”.

McGlacken-Byrne has publicly refuted such allegations, stating that he would consider himself “totally for feminism – all birds are created equal and all that. Free the Nipple, am I right? haha.”

Controversy over the SU leader’s stance on women’s rights has also been accompanied by accusations of offi cierial incompetence as reports reveal McGlacken-Byrne was an ac-tive member of the SU-hack-only Facebook

group ‘Student Referenda I’d Propose If I was Tipsy’. McGlacken-Byrne had also ‘liked’ a photo in the Facebook group which showed a UCD SU Offi cer and Maynooth SU Offi cer in conversation, accompanied by the caption “Bitta political cross-breeding going on here”. McGlacken-Byrne has denied involvement, stating that “my account was just resting in the group”.

1 November 2012 Letters | 6

SS BESS student refl ects on 4… well, 5 years, well spentSo the time has come to say goodbye to my beloved Arts block. I have so many fond mem-ories of the place; I actually couldn’t tell you how many rollies I’ve smoked outside this building. Looking back at the past few years in Trinners, I can truly say that I have Carpe-fucking-Diemed. I’ve done it all. We’re talk-ing going on the ski trip EVERY YEAR, we’re talking trying (and failing) to sneak into Trin-ity Ball EVERY YEAR and of course, we’re talking doing a few repeats at the end of sum-mer EVERY YEAR. But, I was just trying to fi t in the whole, authentic college experience, you know? I see all these lads from my year wasting their time in the library while there are cans to be had and I actually just can’t un-derstand what they’re playing at. My mate, Ryaner, told me that they want to do well in their exams so they can get good jobs. Why don’t they just ask their rents? Duh. Problem solved. I’m like Matt Damon from Good Will Hunting with a trust fund and no emotional trauma right here.

And now you may ask, what does the future

hold for a lad like me? Well, the joke is on all thosewankers who spent their summers doing internships in Dublin while I was away expe-riencing life in Pag and fi nding myself in Viet-nam. As you can tell, I’m an intellectual beast. So I did the clever thing and just got my daddy to hire me. That’s right. We’re talking KPMG, we’re talking graduate programme, we’re talking major big-offi ce talent. You could ac-tually solve the economic unemploymenty cri-sis thingy if you just got people to ask their rents for jobs, it works for every one of my mates. Fucking lazy povs. Anyway, It’s go-ing to be such a laugh when I get started, I’ve been playing rugby with some of the lads in the department since I was in Blackrock. I’ve already got a few drinking games planned for when we’re in the offi ce, because with Dicey’s and Krystle just next door… GUESS WHERE WE’LL BE HEADING EVERY NIGHT. Life is a beach, boys.

So yeah, my time in Trinity. Refl ecting on the past 5 years (I repeated 2nd year because I went to Ios instead of doing my exams… I

know, LEGEND!), I have to say you’re a total loser if you didn’t even try to do half of what I did. Basically, my number one top tip for col-lege is get a group of lads, hit town at least twice a week and don’t bother with lectures, you’re able to pass by compensation in Sep-tember anyway. What’s a degree but a hilari-ous rolling skin for a joint anyway?

Finn Murphy, representing YOU at USI Congress 2015

SS BESS student refl ects on 4… well, 5 years, well spent

25th March 2015 Opinion | 7

EXCLUSIVE: Leaked Memo From Provost Shows College Authorities’ Worry That Lynn Ruane Might Actually Achieve Something Next YearIn a memo obtained by Piranha staff after it was accidentally placed on the online No-ticeboard, it has emerged that The Prender-vost has lashed out in response to the fawn-ing attention Ms. Ruane has received from almost every quarter in the Irish media. Af-ter translating this memo from binary code (apparently the only medium through which Mr. Prendergast communicates due to its ‘efficiency’), this reporter learned of Paddy P’s readiness to “align [his] fist’s brand with Brendan O’Connor’s smug face’ after he hosted the President-Elect on that bastion of Irish culture, The Saturday Night Show.

These outbursts have come after Ms. Ru-ane allegedly cancelled on several meetings with the Provost in order to do these media blitzes, featuring in several radio reports, newspaper articles and even having a num-ber of her tweets screencapped and featured on a DailyEdge article. Mr. Prendergast’s memo went on to complain about how was he ‘supposed to completely and utterly fuck over next year’s batch of students if he was

opposed by a woman who had fucking Gay Byrne’s number on speed dial?’Following Ms. Ruane’s winning of the elec-tion in February, she has striven to show the world that Trinity is more than a money-grubbing, bureaucratic corporate behemoth through her near-constant presence in the newspapers, on the airways, and through re-ceiving in excess of 300 likes on every one of her Facebook statuses. Speaking exclu-sively to The Piranha, Ms. Ruane’s person-al assistant TCDSU Communications and Marketing Officer-elect Aifric Ni Chriodain highly praised Ms. Ruane and said ‘honestly, she’s fucking running the world right now. I’m beyond delireh to be spending next year making her her cups of tea’.

Ms. Ruane’s election has also had repercus-sions that have spread throughout Ireland’s student politics. In University College Dub-lin, following the election of [the sexist fel-la], there has been rumours of calls to secede and to be amalgamated into the TCDSU leadership.

When asked for comment on the contents of the Provost’s memo, The Piranha received the following reply from Ms. Ruane’s email address:

‘guys!!!! for the last time this is ***noTTT*** Lynn’s email. It’s DOMHNALLs, my name is DOMHANLL. i still have 4 months left in my term & i’m doing a really good job. would you like me to comment on anything? please.’

With the Secretary of the Provost declin-ing to comment on the vitriolic nature of the memo, it seems clear that next year’s SU politics could be interesting or worthwhile in any way.

Finn Murphy, representing YOU at USI Congress 2015

1 November 20128 | Lifestyle 1 November 20128 | Lifestyle