“..and if I lived a thousand years you’ll know, I never could explain the way I lost my heart to you that day. And if destiny decided I should look the other way, then the world would never know the greatest story ever told..”

-Oliver James

I hate the way curtains go down when endings are already up. I hate the way people applaud when shows are already over. I stand behind the walls, imagining how it would have been if I were to make my own endings. Ever since I’ve started being a stage actress, all I ever did was memorize hundreds of lines from scripts handed down to me. I have always dreamt of taking part in a stage play with no scripts, and where everything else would just come out naturally. But I guess I just have to set that dream aside because never in this stage play industry did that happen. I’ll just have to leave it a thought.

“Stacie! We’ll start in 5 minutes. Have you gone outside? Grabe! The auditorium is jam-packed! Anyway, hurry up will you?” called our stage director.

“Yeah, I’ll be there in a sec!”

After the call, I hurried up the stage so as not to piss off our stage director.

I stood there, behind curtains. I can hear the whispering of the audience on the other side. This play had been the talk of the town ever since they found out that the star of our school’s soccer team would play the lead guy part. All girls in campus- the cheerleaders, the rich and mean girls, the players, the I’m-in-a-band girls, and even the math and science geek girls who seem to have no interest in boys reserved tickets for this thing.

“Hey, are you okay?” he suddenly seemed to have come out of nowhere.

“Uhm, yeah. Never been better. You?”

“I’m okay. You seem nervous. Are you?”

“No. I’ve been doing this my whole life. Why should I be nervous?

“Well, lots of people would be watching. I just thought that maybe-“

“I’m fine. I’m used to that kind of crowd. I bet you are too,”

“I guess. Anyway, break a leg!”

“I will. You too,”

We went to our places already. It’s weird, the way I felt when I am with him, whenever I talk to him. I feel really inept and awkward. I never felt at ease when with him, although he never really did anything bad to me. It’s not that I don’t like his personality, It’s just that….

I really don’t like soccer players, especially now that Michael is tonight’s star..

“…because I can’t live without you. You complete me,” he spoke to me, his eyes shimmering like the lights pointed to us.

After that, every girl in that room shouted in excitement (in tagalong, kilig). I looked at Michael. I looked at him closely. He was handsome, alright, but I never thought he would attract almost all of the girls in campus. For me, he looked like a typical soccer player. He actually reminds me of Simon Atkins of the Green Archers. I am very much attracted to that basketball player, but to Michael, IDTS.

“Say your lines, Stace!” our stage director uttered softly.

Oh yeah. I almost forgot I was on stage.

“You complete me too. But we can’t be together. I’m afraid the world would not allow us. I’m sorry,” I started to walk away.

Suddenly, he grabbed my hand tightly.

“I know, I know for a fact that our lives would bind us together,”

Uggh. Ang corny naman nito. If I were the scriptwriter, I never would have made the lines as lame as these.

“Love is what’s blinding you, what’s blinding us. As much as it hurts the two of us, we can never be together. Save yourself and go,” I started to walk down the stage but he suddenly pulled me back and…

..kissed me.

After that, he let go of his hold and said his last lines. I ran into the back stage and started to take off my make-up. A few minutes later, I heard the people from the outside applauding and shouting. The play’s over. The cast and crew went to the back stage as well and started fixing their things. I changed my clothes and walked to the exit. When I went outside, I saw Michael. There were so many people around him wanting to take pictures with him. When I passed by them, some girls glared at me. I recognized them. They were the cheerleaders of the school. What did I do now? Come on. There’s nothing to be jealous about. I am not into Michael anyway.

I got home at around 10:00pm already since the play started at around 7 and ended at 9. As soon as I got to my room, I put down my things, opened my computer, and went online. Suddenly, an unknown person IMed me.

mraphael123: Heystacie_theactress: Hey too. mraphael123: You looked beautiful tonight..stacie_theactress: Thanks. May i know who this is?mraphael123: How come you’re still up?stacie_theactress: I don’t know who you are so it’s none of your business.mraphael123: I’d go to sleep now if I were you..stacie_theactress: Wanna be me? Go ahead. From now on, you’re officially me. Now go to sleep and stop bothering me.mraphael123: Am I bothering you?

I closed the window. He is such a nobody. I just logged in to my Multiply and Blogger accounts and started uploading pictures of me and my friends during the play a while ago. I also updated my journal and started typing that night’s experiences. A few minutes later..

mraphael123: I saw the pictures already. They all look good. stacie_theactress: Aww. Too bad you’re not in it. Go away.

I closed his window again, but..

mraphael123: Actually, I am.stacie_theactress: Oh yeah. I saw you. You were invisible right?mraphael123: No, seriously, I am. Do you want to know where?stacie_theactress: Thanks but I’m not interested.

Closed. X.

mraphael123: The crowd enjoyed your performance tonight.stacie_theactress: You seriously won’t stop, will you?mraphael123: I’m bored. I can’t sleep. Tell me, how was the play?stacie_theactress: ….mraphael123: Tell you what, if you just make kwento about tonight about the play, kahit na 5 lines lang yan, I promise to stop bothering you.stacie_theactress: I am exhausted. I did not like the play. I hated my crappy role. I hated the f*cking crowd. And I hated my bloody and ever-hateful partner. Happy?

Closed the window. X. When I was about to sign out Yahoo Messenger, a window popped out again.

mraphael123: I see. Anyway, a promise is a promise. Goodnight Stace! Oh, I haven’t introduced myself yet..

….this is Michael, your bloody and ever-hateful partner.

Asphyxia. In its broadest sense, it refers to a state in which the body becomes deprived of oxygen while in excess of carbon dioxide. This results in a loss of consciousness and/or death. However, prior to any death, the body usually reaches a low oxygen-high carbon dioxide state, and so an 'asphyxial' death is therefore one in which the oxygen deprived state has been achieved unnaturally.

There is a dreamer in all of us. In one way or another, we would always find ourselves daydreaming- dreaming of things that we wish would happen and/or could have happened. But no matter how we try to stay in that dream, someone would always snap us back to reality.

“That night was definitely Michael’s night,” a familiar voice resounded in my head.

“What?” I asked, confused.

“The play? Stacie, are you daydreaming again?” she asked me with a slight grin on her face.

“Of course not. I was just thinking of the next event of the drama club.” Of course that was a lie.

“Oh, do you think they’ll get Michael to play the lead part again?”

“I wish not. I’ve had enough of him,”

“Was he a good kisser?”

“It was awful, Haley. He is seriously the worst kisser I’ve ever laid my lips on,”

“Oh come on Stace, don’t be such a racist,” Haley said, pinching my left arm.

“You know I hate players, soccer players in particular,”

“He still hasn’t called you?” she asked. Then she gave me ‘the look’. Now I know exactly what she’s talking about.

“No. And I don’t expect him to.” Do we really have to bring up this subject again and again?

“Ooh. That sucks. Have you tried calling or e-mailing him? Or maybe-“

“Haley, I really don’t want to talk about it. We’ve been through this over and over,”

“Well, your answers haven’t changed since then. You will never get over this until you finally get to do what you have to do. Closure is better than desertion. You might want to think about that,”

“I…”

“Good Morning beautiful people!” our teacher abruptly appeared in front of the room. I didn’t notice her come in.

“Good morning Ms. Avila,” the class answered politely.

“Well, well, well. If it isn’t another day of fun and excitement. So, let’s start. Today, we would be talking about Egyptian Literature. We would be discussing the major stages of growth in the formation of Middle Egyptian. Today would be all about Gerzean Ware Design Schemata and Early palettes,”

The words of Ms. Avila started to fade in my head and I slowly began to think of other things. It was another day, another day where I get the chance to live my life peacefully again. I could always run away and do things that I have always dreamed of doing. I just don’t have the guts to do so, because all my life, I have always been-

“Stacie!” a girl from behind whispered and passed me a piece of paper.

It was a note.

“You’ve always been scared.” Hell yeah. So true.

******************************************************************************************************************

“Psst! Grimace! Halika nga dito!”

“Ano na naman Chimpanzee?”

“Gusto mo ng cotton candy?”

“Why? You’ll treat me?”

“Duh! Shempre. Ano?”

“Hmph. Duh! Of course I want,”

“Psh. You’re such a cutie,” he pulled me, then he smiled.

“Matagal na noh? Ngayon mo lang napansin? Tsk. Tsk. Tsk,”

“Oo, ngayon lang. Di ka naman talaga kagandahan eh.”

“Aba! Eh hindi ka din naman talaga kagwapuhan! Kala mo ah!”

“Tss. Eto na cotton candy mo.”

“Thanks--- Waah! Nahulog! Nathan! Nahulog cotton candy ko!”

“O, ano gagawin ko?”

“Eh, naman kasi eh. Bili mo ko ng isa pa!”

“Ano pa nga ba? Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Ano kayang mangyayari sayo pag wala ako?”

“Hihinga pa din. Bakit? You’re leaving?” I asked, jokingly.

“Yeah, unfortunately…” then he gave me ‘the look’.

Asphyxia, in its broadest sense, is what the cause of my near death would be.

*******************************************FlashBack************************************************

“Jokes are not intended to make you laugh. They are intended to make you think,”

-Karl Hinrich Ermac

Paranoia. This is what I get from saying bad things to a formerly-unknown-but-now-identified person on Yahoo Messenger. I didn’t know, seriously. Had I known that mraphael123 was Michael all along, I would have said nice things to him (which would of course make me plastic, but I really don’t care).

So now, I must walk around campus with sharp eyes so that when I see Michael, I could quickly turn and walk away or bow my head down. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed. Really.

“Hey there, Stacie! Musta?” It was Kirby, another soccer player, Michael’s teammate. Hmm. This scenario’s new. Kirby never talks to me. What the heck?

“Hey, Kirby,” I said, not really sounding enthusiastic.

“So, Michael told me you looked really hot during the play. He was telling the team how much he admired you that night,”

“Talaga?” I asked, then I smiled. Michael said that? Michael? Geez. Maybe he isn’t that of a player after all.

“Yeah, he did. Para na nga siyang sirang plaka eh sa kakasalita ng mga things tungkol sayo. Man, he’s crazy about you,”

“I…see. (smiles even more) Uhm, Kirby, did he ever mention to you any weird conversations he had lately? Like, in Yahoo Messenger or something?”

“Yahoo Messenger? I don’t remember anything. Hmm. No, I don’t think so. Never heard from him about weird conversations he had on the net. Nope, definitely not,”

“Oh...”

That’s….great news. *relieved*

“Sige Stacie, iwan na muna kita,”

“Sige,”

Minutes later, Ms. Avila, our adviser and Literature teacher, came.

“Good morning class. Please take your seats. We will begin shortly,”

When I got to my seat, I met Kirby’s eyes. He was…smiling at me. But it wasn’t a friendly smile. It was sort of a silly smile. I don’t know. Maybe I’m being paranoid again. Uggh. I guess Kirby’s just trying to be friendly. He is, anyway, my classmate. Classmates get along with each other right?

“By the way, class, we would be joined by another student from now on. He is a transferee from Section 4-B. He needs to take up advance classes with you in some of your subjects so you would be with him for the rest of the year. I’m sure you know this person. Come in now Mr. De Guzman,”

Mr. De Guzman?

“Hi guys,” Michael said with a ‘pa-cute’ smile on his face. He was standing in front of the class.

“Take your seat now Michael so we could start our class immediately. Uhm, you can sit on that vacant chair right over there for now. We don’t have a seat plan anyway so you can sit wherever you want the next time,”

He sat on the vacant chair diagonal to Kirby. Michael and I were 2 seats apart from each other. When he got to his seat and was all settled, I looked at him. I blushed a bit because I was actually thinking of the things Kirby told me. Don’t get me wrong. I was not starting to like Michael. I just felt…flattered.

“Stacie!” my note-passing classmate suddenly called me.

“What?” I tried to speak as softly as I could.

“You have a note,”

I reached for the piece of paper that she was holding. Then I slowly opened it...

“Those were jokes, Stacie. All of those,” I was confused for a moment. But when I saw Kirby chuckle, I knew exactly what he meant.

Revenge is sweet.

In life, you should find someone who can dance with you under the night sky, even without the moon and the stars, even without any music playing, even if that someone couldn’t dance well, but still, dances with you.

Looks can be deceiving. I mean, really. When I walk along the corridors of our school, I notice that most of the people tend to roll their eyes around and look for gorgeous and hot looking people. This has become a very inevitable habit that each of us has been used to already. I also tend to seek handsome guys whenever I’m in school, but I, unlike the other girls I see, do not fall into obsession quickly, because I always keep in mind that people…are not always what they seem to be.

“It’s a beautiful day today, don’t you think? ” he said. Typical Michael. He always seems to come out of nowhere.

 “You,” I replied while leaning against the front door of our classroom. Nobody was there yet. It was only the soccer player jerk and I.

“Yes, the one, the only, me . Uhm, wait, do I know you?” he leaned against the wall opposite the door I was leaning on.

 “Tss . Get over yourself, Michael. We were partners in the Drama Club play, and now we’re even classmates.”

“Really? Coz’ I seem to have forgotten your face already ,” he answered, with a seemingly sarcastic tone and a wry smile on his face. Then he walked away.

Pathetic moron. I know he hates me because of the Yahoo Messenger incident, but he doesn’t need to get mad at me that much, or to forget me that fast. Oh whatever. Screw him. I never liked him in the first place. He could get angry at me or ignore me all he wants, for all I care. He’s just another player who obviously doesn’t know what it means to be living.

Seconds after Michael walked away, students started to occupy the hallway and my classmates began to enter the classroom. Soon after, our professor also arrived so I got to my seat. And guess what, I was sitting right behind Michael. “Good morning everyone. Our topic for today would be about Philosophy. Now, for a short introduction, I want you to come up with a set of criteria that would determine a person whom you would want to spend the rest of your life with. When you have finally thought of these criteria, think of someone here in class who could possibly meet these criteria of yours. I’ll give you 5 minutes to think. After that, further instructions will be given. Your time starts now,”

With whom would I want to spend the rest of my life with? Wow. I’ve never really thought of that. All my life, I’ve always wanted to live alone, because I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t want to feel rejected. I don’t want to feel ashamed of myself. That has always been my line of thinking. Until he came. Everything just changed. Suddenly, I thought of things that I never thought of before. I became open-minded to new life situations. For a moment, I saw things in a brighter sense. For a moment, I didn’t like the feeling of being alone. Just for a moment. So with whom would I want to spend the rest of my life with? Him. “5 minutes is over. Okay. So, may I have any volunteers? Who would want to share the criteria they made?” Everyone slowly bowed down their heads. Of course I did the same thing. I didn’t know what to say. I was- “Ms. Stacie Hernandez . Would you like to share anything to the class? You always have some interesting ideas going on in your mind, eh? Why don’t you make those ideas known to everyone?” “Well, actually sir, I…” “—want to be a loner for the rest of my life,” Michael imitated my voice. I heard his teammates laugh.

“Mr. De Guzman. Would you like to volunteer instead?”

 “No sir. I’m afraid Ms. Hernandez hasn’t finished answering your question yet,”

“I can see that. Rest assured, you will recite next, are we clear?”

 “Yes sir,” he sighed. “So Ms. Hernandez, where were we?”

 “The criteria,”

“Right. Right. So, could you tell us now these criteria you made?” Criteria. With whom would I want to spend the rest of my life with? Think Stacie. Life. Future. Evanescence. The song! Right. Right.

 “I would want to spend the rest of my life….. with someone who can dance with me under the night sky,” “Great. So I guess you can spend the rest of your life with the whole class,” Michael blatantly uttered. The class began to laugh softly. “Mr. De Guzman. One more remark and I will definitely send you to the discipline’s office. Ms. Hernandez, please continue.”

“I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who can dance with me under the night sky, even if there is no moon or there are no night stars. I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who, even if he couldn’t dance at all, would still insist in dancing with me. And, well I have another criterion but it really won’t be necessary for me to tell it to the class,” “Hmm, I see. Very philosophical. Those were really good insights Ms. Hernandez. Now, is there anyone in this class whom you think would be able to meet these criteria of yours? Anyone at all?”

“Well, from this class, no one. But there is someone…” “And who is this someone?” “He’s just…someone I know,”

“Where is this someone?”

 “I…uhh…He sort of left for some reasons, reasons I don’t quite understand,” “When’s he coming back?” “Honestly, I... don’t know,” I tried to hold back my tears. “Well then, good luck to that. Thank you Ms. Hernandez. You may now take your seat. Now we move on to Mr. De Guzman, the guy who always has side comments on everything. So, Michael, could you share to class these criteria you made to determine who you would want to spend the rest of your life with?” “*Clears throat*..Well, I would want to spend the rest of my life with someone of the opposite sex, of course. Someone who’s pretty. Someone who is not conceited and selfish. Someone who understands. Someone who has crazy ideas about things. And someone who…”

 “Go on. Someone who…” 

“Someone who can dance with me under the night sky,” Uggh. What a copy cat. Everyone looked at him when he said his last criterion. “Mr. De Guzman, are you playing with me, or with Ms. Hernandez’s work?” “I most certainly am not sir. I assure you that I thought of this criterion even before Stacie recited her criteria to class,” “Are you sure about this, Michael?” “Definitely sir ,”

 Liar. “Very well, and who, from this class, can possibly meet these criteria of yours?” “Uhm, well, the only person I could think of is…Stacie,” What? Unbelievable. “Why do you say so?” “Well, because she’s a person of the opposite sex, obviously. She is definitely not selfish and conceited. Pretty? Uhm, so so. She has a lot of crazy ideas about things. And I’m pretty sure she can dance with me under the night sky,”

“I see, do you agree with him Ms. Hernandez?” “That’s just madly impossible,” “Why?” our professor and Michael asked in unison. “Sure I can meet his standards but I tell you Professor, never can a person like Michael meet all my criteria,” “Why not? Those criteria you gave are easy. Anyone can dance with you under the night sky. I’m more than willing to dance with you even if there is no moon and there are no night stars. And I’m also good in dancing,” Michael said defensively. “Really? Then show me,” “What?” “Dance with me, right this very moment,” “I can’t, silly. There’s no music playing. I can’t dance without music,” he said.

“My last criterion, I would want to spend the rest of my life with someone who would dance with me even if there is no music playing. Too bad. I guess we’re not meant to spend the rest of our lives together after all,”

He was speechless.

“My affections and wishes are unchanged, but one word from you will silence me on this subject forever,”-Fitzwilliam Darcy (Pride and Prejudice)

Campings. I love campings. I believe this is the only time that I get to bond with nature. I also get to push away my worries and fears, and just enjoy the contentment the surrounding is giving me. However, it cannot be helped that in one way or another, some things can’t simply be forgotten, even just for a minute, or a split second.

I love it in Batangas. It was so peaceful in there. The beach was almost perfect. I was happily looking at the stars from the cottage I was in when suddenly, someone came.

“Hey there friend!” she exclaimed cheerfully.

“Hey Hales, what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be outside partying with the others?” I asked surprisingly.

“Well, I just wanted to see how you’re doing. And besides, shouldn’t you be there too, partying with us? Come on!”

“No thanks. I believe that my being alone here is more therapeutic than drinking and partying with you guys out there. And I love looking at the stars from here,”

“Oh, I see. They’re beautiful, don’t you think”

“(pauses for a moment)…Yeah,”

*************************************************************************************************************************************

“They’re beautiful…The stars I mean. Don’t you think?”

“Yeah. But you know, they don’t always look this wonderful. Sometimes, their light fades away,”

“Of course I know that. I’m not retarded you know?” he replied, defensively.

“Okay, okay. I’m just saying,”

“Want some chocolates?” he said, showing me a bar of Cadbury.

“Sure! I love Cadbury,” I answered happily. “Really? Then go buy some yourself,” he started to eat the chocolate he was holding.

“What?”

“You want chocolates right? Go buy some. I just wanted to show you what I’m eating. These are mine,” he answered, with a wry smile on his face.

“Oh, screw you.”

“*laughs* I was kidding Stace! (laughs even more)”

“ha-ha-ha,” I laughed with sarcasm.

“Here. Have some,” he offered me the chocolate he was eating.

“Tss. No thanks. I changed my mind. You can have them all by yourself. ”

“Alrightie.” he said, with no haste.

“Uggh, seriously?”

“Seriously.”

“Whatever. I’ll just look at the stars and pretend like I’m one of them. Hmph!”

“Okay (smiles then eats more chocolate). You know what, you’ll never be like one of those stars up there. Not a chance,” he said, confidently.

“Why the hell not?” I asked, sounding annoyed.

…..’Coz your light never fades. You’re gorgeous all the way,”

********************************************************FlashBack*****************************************************************

People always leave.

I have this feeling that something different would happen today. Something unexpected. I can feel it. Since I woke up this morning, I can’t help but wonder what this feeling could possibly mean.

“What’s wrong?” Michael suddenly asked me. I can’t believe he’s actually talking to me.

“Go away. I’m trying to concentrate here,” I annoyingly answered.

“Still mad? Stace, come on. Can’t we be friends? On second thought, maybe it’s better for us to remain this way, don’t you think?” he said with a grin.

“Ass,” I whispered. I know he heard what I said. He just didn’t get the chance to answer me back because his teammate called his attention.

Michael. Why? Why can’t I get along with him? Why does he always have to act this way when he’s around me? Or are our feelings plain mutual? I guess we were meant to hate each other, forever (exaggeration). Will we ever get along? Maybe that’s what’s going to happen today. Maybe we would finally see each other as individuals and begin to talk as normal people, or as friends.

“Dreams really do get you to places. So Stacie, in what suck-fest are you in now? Nalulunod ka na ata dyan sa mga panaginip mo eh,” he chuckled, then he walked away.

Hell no. There is no way I would get along with him just fine. I doubt it, big time.

“Having troubles again?” Haley seemed to have popped out of nowhere.

“Yeah, it’s Michael. He’s getting into my nerves again,”

“I see. Stacie, why don’t you try talking to him nicely? He is, besides, a really nice person if you try to get to know him. You’re always fighting with each other,”

“He starts all of our arguments. Of course I need to defend myself from him,” I told her defensively.

“Whatever you say Stace,”

“Well hello there people of the world!” and there goes Ms. Avila again.

“Hi Ms.!” Some students replied to her greeting.

“Please settle down. I have a very important announcement to make,”

“Ano kaya yun?” Haley asked.

“Naku, feeling ko bagsak ako sa subject niya. I don’t like Lit kasi eh,” another student answered.

I wonder what this important announcement would be.

“Today is rather a lucky day for each and every one of you. The Council of Officers had a meeting yesterday about the cancellation of the upcoming February prom. I know this has been the talk of the town since the start of this month. The officers came to a decision not to cancel this party anymore, but, it will be held on the last day of January due to time constraints since there are still plenty of other activities that are needed to be held during the month of February. Now, are there any violent reactions?”

Nobody answered.

“Very well then, we’ll begin our class,”

So they really are going to pursue the prom. Hmm. It’s the 20 th of January which gives me less than 3 weeks to prepare, to pick the right dress, to know the proper make-up, to find a decent partner, to-

“Oh, yeah. I almost forgot. I’m really sorry. By the way, from now on, we would be joined by a new student, well he’s not really new but, anyway…you may come in now!” Ms. Avila called the person who was outside our classroom. When he entered our room, I froze.

“Nathan..” That was all I could whisper to myself.

People always leave. But sometimes, they come back.

Have the courage to love one more time. Always one more time.-Maya Angelou

His face lighted up the faces of all the people who knew him, and missed him. Ms. Avila told him to sit in front, beside Riza. He’s back. Nathan came back. Right now, all I feel is relief. A bit confused and shocked, but relieved. But, I wonder why he didn’t even tell me in advance that he was coming back? Oh yeah, I forgot. A month after he left, he stopped communicating with me for some jurrasic reasons. Maybe now I can get some explanations from him.

“Stacie!” my note-passsing seatmate whispered.

“Yeah?” I whispered softly.

“A note,” then she passed me the piece of paper that she was holding.

“For me?” I said, with a grin on my face.

“Yup,” she answered.

“Thanks,”

I was hoping and praying really hard that the note would come from Nathan. When I opened it…

“He’s back. When are you planning to talk to him?”

It was from Haley. What? Talk to him? Hell no. I won’t be the first one to talk. No way.

“I’ll just have to wait for him to approach me,”

Then I passed the note back to her.

“Crazy person. What if he doesn’t communicate with you, just like what he did a month after he left?” Haley wrote back.

“That’s just impossible. He would—“ I stopped writing. Haley’s right. He might choose not to speak to me, and if I don’t talk to him, I would never know the reason why.

I crumpled the paper and simply waited for the class to end.

******************************************************************************************************

The hour went by fast. Dismissal came. I have to do this. I’m going to find answers. Stacie, muster all the courage you have left. It’s time.

I hurried out the classroom to catch up with Nathan. When I got out, I saw him walking with Riza.

“Nathan!” I called out. My voice sounded stiff and nervous, but I really don’t care.

He told Riza to go ahead, then he faced me back.

“Yeah?”

I walked closer to him since I was about 2 meters away from him.

“Uhm, wow! You’re here. You’re back,” I said, trying to sound relieved and happy.

“Uh, yeah. I can see that,” he replied, with what sounded as a sarcastic tone.

“Right. So, uhm, musta States? Enjoy ba? Grabe, biruin mo yun, isang chimpanzee na tulad mo tumagal dun ng 6 months. Achievement ah! Akalain mo nga naman*chuckles*,” I said, trying to make our conversation less serious.

“Look, I really don’t have any time for this. I need to catch up with a lot of things so, this isn’t really a good time,”

“Well, you might want to start with me, Nathan. A month after you left, you just stopped calling me. You didn’t reply to any of my e-mails. You were always offline, or I don’t know, maybe playing invisible. What’s going on Nathan? Don’t I deserve at least an explanation?” I told him, trying to make a point.

“Stacie, I really have no time for this. I have other priorities now,” he said stiffly.

“*sounding shocked* Nathan, this conversation haven’t even reached a minute or so. We’ve only spoken for about 30 seconds, which is not even equivalent to the time you owe me for not speaking to me for the last 5 months…. Wow, I didn’t realize 5 months would be enough to change someone so fast. That’s a record. You seem to have forgotten me already,”

“Yeah. Unfortunately…” then he just walked away.

The exact same phrase that broke my heart once.

“Don’t even think about it, Michael!”

“Stacie! Listen to me. Whatever that is you’re going through, I’ll be here to listen. Come on. Get back here,” then he took a few steps forward.

“Stay there! Don’t come near me, please! Go away, Michael! Just go!”

*************************************************************************************************************************************

I don’t know why we all hang on to something we know we’re better off letting go. It’s like, we’re scared to lose what we don’t really have. Some of us say we’d rather have that something than absolutely nothing. But the truth is…

“So I decided to just go to the prom alone. You know, so that you wouldn’t really feel left out,” haley uttered, trying to sound as sympathetic as possible.

“Are you crazy? What about Kirby?”

“Well, I’m sure he won’t mind. Stacie, he’s a soccer player remember? Plenty of girls are dying to partner up with him for the prom,”

“No, I insist. Go with him. I’ll be fine. Don’t mind me okay?”

“You sure?”

“Yup. Definitely,”

“Okay then. So stacie, I’ll see you later okay?”

“Sure. See you!”

The prom’s tonight. Unfortunately, I’m not going with anyone. Hmm. Parang kelan lang I was so happy. Then things suddenly changed. Everything changed when Nathan came back. I thought he’d be happy to see me again because I was happy to see him. Guess I was wrong.

“You sure you don’t want to come with me to the prom? I’m still available you know,” Michael suddenly appeared from behind.

“No, thanks..” Then I walked away.

I didn’t feel good that time. Things were happening so fast, and I just don’t know if I could still keep up. I can barely find answers to my questions. I just wish….

Nathan was still here to get me through.

The truth is, to have it half way is harder than not having it at all..

I don’t want to get hurt.

THE PROM

Picture of Stacie’s prom dress: http://dress.vponsale.co.uk/images/dresses/VPBN891.jpg

So, I arrived at the hotel at around 8:00pm. There were plenty of people already. It seemed like they were all enjoying their nights. Lucky for them. Sucks for me though.

“So you came after all,”

“Yeah. It’s not like everyday I get to be in events like this, so I grabbed the opportunity. Besides, this is my last prom,”

“Oo nga eh. This one’s our last, so we better make the most out of it. Uh, sige stacie, I’ll go ahead. Kirby’s waiting for me,”

“Sure. I’ll see you around,”

“Okay. Oh and Stacie, try to enjoy yourself okay?”

“Yeah, I’ll try,”

I grabbed a chair nearest to where I stood and started drinking the glass of juice I was holding. Suddenly…

“Dance with me,”

“Uh, was that a question?”

“No, that was an order. I want you to dance with me,”

“Right. And what makes you think I would dance with you?”

“I just know,” then he reached out his hand.

“Okay then,” I held his hand and we stood in the middle of the dance floor.

Song Playing: Your Guardian Angel (The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus)

“You look beautiful,”

“You’re the first person to say that to me. Thanks,”

“I was kidding,” then he chuckled.

“Psh, whatever,”

“But, seriously speaking, I think you look absolutely gorgeous tonight,”

“Right. Sure. You too. You look….okay,”

“Okay? That’s all you can say? Okay? I look hot!”

“Oh Michael, get over yourself,”

Then he laughed. Why do I feel like somehow, Michael resembles Nathan. They’re both ‘makulit’, conceited, and attractive. Well, at least I thought Nathan was.

Michael and I were laughing about silly things when suddenly, Nathan and Riza stood together right beside us.

“I know what you mean,”

“Right. Really?” then Riza smiled.

“Of course. I understand everything perfectly,” Nathan said, with a really conceited tone.

“Uh, you are such a joker,”

“I’m serious!”

“Yeah. Sure. Whatever you say Nathan,” then the both of them laughed. I was looking at the both of them when suddenly, Nathan’s eyes and mine met. I didn’t look away. I wanted to find answers and I thought that maybe by looking at him, I would finally find a way to understand. He didn’t stare at me too long. After a few seconds, he pulled away his eyes and spoke to Riza again.

“Riza,”

“Yeah?”

“Will you marry me someday?”

“Nathan,” I whispered to myself, trying to hold back my tears.

I was hurting. I was hurting inside. I don’t understand why he’s doing this to me. He’s hurting me on purpose, and I don’t know why. Nathan, give me reasons. Please.

“I’m sorry. I…I can’t do this anymore,” I told Michael, then I quickly walked away.

“Stacie! Where are you going?”

“I’m running away,”

The night was dull, and I was all alone. I stood near the edge of the top of the hotel building. I can feel the cool breeze of the air. I can smell the pleasant calling of the grounds. Why? Why am I hurting this much? Why am I slowly falling apart?

I can’t do this anymore.

*************************************************************************************************************************************

I moved closer to the edge of the building. I wanted to feel what Jack made Rose feel when they were on the edge of the ship. I felt free. My worries and doubts slowly faded away. That very moment, I felt like jumping. I felt like falling off the 26th floor of that building.

That was my moment. I was all alone when suddenly, the door behind me banged open.

“Stacie!” he called, with a seemingly nervous tone.

“Michael.”

“Stacie! Listen to me. Whatever that is you’re going through, I’ll be here to listen. Come on. Get back here,” then he took a few steps forward.

“Please, just go away, Michael!”

“Killing yourself by jumping off the building won’t change anything! It will do you no good!”

I was surprised with his remark. Kill myself? That’s beyond insane!

“I certainly have no intentions of killing myself, Michael. I’m not that ill-minded.”

“Then what are you doing on the edge of the building?”

“I just… I wanted to… be alone and think. So please, I just need a moment alone.” I pleaded him.

“Stacie,” he walked closer to me.

“Michael, don’t.”

“Hold my hand, Stacie,” he then reached out his hand to me, and looked me in the eye.

I gave in. I didn’t know what was going on in his mind, and why he was so eager to reach me. His eyes, it took away all the worries in me.

When I reached out to him, he embraced me all of a sudden. And I started to cry.

“I can’t. I thought I am strong, but I’m not. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know if I could take it much longer,”

“Then stop struggling. Let go, Stacie. I’ll catch you. I promise,”

I hoped and prayed to God to make that moment last forever.