not going out - "my aching head" (rough draft #2)

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NOT GOING OUT - “My Aching Head”SPEC SCRIPT ROUGH DRAFT #1

BY M.L. ZAMBRANA

LOGLINE: Lee develops a problem “down below” but is reluctant to go to a doctor because he’s got associative trypanophobia - a fear of medical procedures - and he’s even more reluctant to let Lucy know about it.

OPENING CREDITS

FADE IN

ACT I, SCENE I - INT. - LUCY’S FLAT

TIM and LEE are seated in front of the television, lagers in hand, watching football. LUCY is behind them at the table, typing on her laptop.

LEEYou don’t bring women along on a road trip, Tim. All I’m saying is that when drive up to Manchester, we should make a week of it. Two mates on the road. Just

like the old days.

LUCYOh, go on, Tim. You haven’t been out of the city in ages! Besides, Lee needs a chaperone. Remember what happened the last time he went to a match alone?

LEEIt was nothing. So I drank a bit too much. So what? I enjoyed myself.

TIMSure, and it was only a simple mistake. Happens to the best of us. It’s common

knowledge that every woman from Blackpool has a moustache.

LEEExactly. And it ended well. I paid for his drinks, we picked up a couple of

women…

LUCYHe picked up something else.

LEELuck of the draw, sweetheart. Better him

than me.

TIMI don’t know. Daisy’s not going to be

happy with being left behind.

LEEShe’s your girlfriend, Tim. Not your

Siamese twin.

TIMI suppose you’re right. Maybe--

LEE stands up, then lets out a quick cry of pain. One hand drifts towards his groin, but he pulls it back. LUCY looks over at him.

LUCYAre you okay?

LEEYep. Fine. Good.

TIMYou sounded like you were in pain.

LEEOh, you know. Sometimes at our age, we tend to overdo it. That’s how it is,

when you’re a professional athlete like myself.

LUCYI don’t think having the strength to do

one-arm push-ups counts as being an

athlete.

LEEWell, you should know. I’ve never seen a

woman crack walnuts with her hands before.

LEE winces and EXITS.

TIMHe is insufferable at times.

LUCYWhich is why you two make the best of

friends. But I think you and Lee should go to Manchester for a bit. Get out, explore the world once in a while. You can’t live in in a vacuum all your life,

Tim. Or WITH one.

TIMThat’s my girlfriend you’re talking about! Oh, maybe you two are right. Some time away from Daisy might be a

good idea. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” and all…

DAISY ENTERS carrying a vacuum.

DAISYI was going to Hoover out the car, but I couldn’t find a plug in the car park.

TIMSpeaking of vacuums…

LUCYAnd let the love bloom.

TIM nods.

DISSOLVE TO

ACT I, SCENE II - INT. - PUB

LEE joins TIM at the bar, wincing as he sits down.

LEEOh, flippin’-- frickin’--MMMM!!!

TIMGo ahead and swear, Lee. According to the latest scientific results, it makes

you feel better.

LEELucy’s trying to train me out of

swearing so much. And maybe she’s right, you know? I have got quite the mouth on me. It’s time I tried to get it under

control.

TIMShe made a bet with you, didn’t she?

LEEOf course she did.

TIMYou seem worse today. What’s wrong with

you?

LEEIt’s nothing. I’ve just got a bit of a… situation. Kind of an intimate medical situation. I’d rather not talk about

it.

TIMAh. Emma Freuds. Nobby Stiles. Farmer

Giles. (pause) Hemorrhoids.

LEEYes, I know what you’re saying, and no,

that’s not it.

TIMShingles?

LEENo.

TIMThrush? Crohn’s Disease? Leaky bowel

syndrome?

LEENO! It’s my penis, all right?

TIMA bit of trouble with the cavalier,

then?

LEEYou could say that. There’s a lot of redness. And it’s tender. Just at the

tip--it’s not spread anywhere.

TIMSo what is it, exactly?

LEEDo I look like a urologist? (quickly) Shut it. I don’t know. Just, whatever you do, don’t let Lucy find out about this, okay? She’d probably think that I’ve caught something from sleeping

around.

TIMHave you? Been sleeping around, I mean?

LEEOf course not. I’d have told you about

it. Don’t I tell you everything?

TIMMuch to my regret.

LEEIt’s not from sex. I know that much. The

last time a woman saw me naked, it involved a stethoscope and a urine

sample.

TIMThose lap dancing clubs are becoming more and more exclusive, aren’t they? (pause) So go to the doctor and have it looked at. Or have you still got that

phobia?

LEEIt’s not a phobia! I’m not afraid of doctors, or hospitals or ambulances in general. Just… what they might do to

me.

TIMWhy? You give blood, so I know you’re

not afraid of needles.

LEEI know! That’s why it makes no sense. But the second that someone says the word “procedure,” you best stand away from the door. It’s been this way ever

since that incident at the hotel.

ACT I, SCENE THREE - INT. - HOTEL SWIMMING POOL

FLASHBACK - LEE is standing in a hotel pool, looking up. His arms are crossed along the edge and there are firemen’s feet around him.

LEEOf all the embarrassing situations that one could end up in, this has to be one

of the worst, don’t you think?

A fireman wades up next to him. One of the men standing hands him a can of oil. The fireman dips his hand into the oil and reaches down between LEE and the edge of the swimming pool. Both men look in different directions.

END OF FLASHBACK

ACT I, SCENE FOUR - INT. - LUCY’S FLAT

LEE and TIM look at one another. TIM shrugs.

TIMWell, lesson learned. It’s best to use approved sexual devices rather than to

occupy a pool vent.

LEETwo hours I stood there, before I dared tell anyone what I did. I don’t know what was worse, the hypothermia or the

media coverage.

TIMThe media coverage lasted longer.

LEEYea, but the hypothermia is what turned

me against hospitals.

TIMToo bad the pool incident didn’t turn you against substitute sexual devices. And have you gotten the vacuum cleaner

fixed yet, by the way?

LEE glares at TIM.

DISSOLVE TO

ACT II, SCENE ONE - INT. - KITCHEN

LEE is in the kitchen, behind the island. He is looking down at himself, hears something, then quickly looks up. LUCY ENTERS the kitchen and stares at him.

LUCYAre you exposing yourself in MY kitchen?

LEECalm down! It’s not like I took a wee in the sink. Today. (pause) I was just looking at it. Look, I’m washing my

hands, okay? No harm done.

LEE turns to the sink and washes his hands.

LUCYAnd yet, you keep asking why we never

have company.

LUCY sits down at the island and crosses her legs.

LUCYOkay, I’ll bite.

LEEI hope not. I’m not in to that.

LUCYThat’s not what I’ve heard. What I mean is, why were you standing here, randomly

looking at your private parts?

LEENo reason. It’s my todger. I can look

at it if I want, can’t I?

LUCYI suppose somebody should, once in a while, so it doesn‘t feel lonely.

LEEI haven’t exactly had any volunteers

lately.

LUCYThat’s because that’s a paying position.

DISSOLVE TO

ACT II, SCENE - INT. - LUCY’S FLAT

TIM ENTERS.

TIMHello, Lucy. Is Lee in?

LUCYHe is, but he’s in bed. Says he’s not

feeling well.

TIMOh. So it seems it’s just the two of us

for lunch today, then. Ready to go?

LUCYSure, but where’s Daisy?

TIMShe couldn’t make it. She’s got an

emergency. One of her regulars tried an at-home hair-cutting kit. Dreadful results, but at least the poor woman

still has her scalp.

LUCYWe’ll see what happens after Daisy gets

through with her, then.

TIMNow that’s unfair, Lucy. You know that Daisy is quite adept at hairdressing. I think you’ve been hanging around Lee for

too long.

LUCYI don’t know about that. I still wash every day. Speaking of which… is there something going on with Lee that I

should know about? He’s been acting very odd lately.

TIMYes, I know. Well, it’s a personal matter. The kind of thing that men

don’t like to talk about with women, you see, but it seems he’s developed a bit

of a problem on his… man-bits.

LUCY“Man-bits.”

TIMIt’s nothing serious.

LUCY“Man-bits.”

TIMIt should clear up in no time.

LUCYI can’t believe you said “man-bits.”

TIMLucy! Please! I’m trying to exercise a bit of decorum. Not an easy thing when the discussion turns to Lee’s genitals.

LUCYI think I’m going to be sick.

TIMI know the feeling.

LUCYHow did this… problem… develop?

TIMHe’s not sure. Perhaps it’s an allergy, maybe it’s a bacterial infection. He didn’t want you to know because he

didn’t want you thinking that he’d been having… relations with anyone.

LUCYWhy on earth would I think that? I know

he hasn’t.

TIMHOW do you know?

LUCYWe live together. I’d know if he brought

someone here.

TIMWhat if he went out and picked someone

up? How would you know?

LUCYTim, this is Lee we’re talking about.

TIMOh, right. Good point.

DISSOLVE TO

ACT II, SCENE THREE - INT. - LUCY’S FLAT

LUCY is arranging some magazines on the coffee table. LEE ENTERS in his robe and pajamas.

LUCYAh. You’re up.

LEEI’d rather not be. I feel like utter

crap.

LUCYYou look worse. Lovely attire you’ve adopted over the past couple of days.

LEEYes, Hugh Hefner and I will be out by the pool later, if you’d care to join us. Although I must warn you, you are

overdressed for the occasion.

LUCYTim said that you have a rash.

LEEIt was a rash. Now it looks more like a

worm with a head cold.

LUCYEw. Thanks for the visual. It’s getting

worse, then?

LEEWell, you’re welcome to take a look at

it, if you’re so concerned.

LEE opens up his robe and hooks one thumb under the elastic of his pajama bottoms.

LUCYThanks for the invitation, but I didn’t

bring my reading glasses.

LEE ties his robe closed again and crosses his arms.

LEEIt’s such a joy living with you. You do wonders for my self-esteem, you know

that?

LUCYI don’t think it’s your self-esteem

that’s your shortcoming.

LEEOh, that’s nice. Criticizing the size of my manhood. (playfully, with a smile) Watch it, or I’ll make you eat your

words one day.

LUCY(grins)

As long as you don‘t make me--HELLO, TIM!

TIM AND DAISY ENTER the flat. LUCY’S sudden, enthusiastic welcome as she claps her hands together makes TIM and DAISY stop and stare at her in confusion.

LEESorry, Tim. I’m afraid the trip’s off.

I’m not doing so well.

DAISYOh, that’s a shame. I was so looking

forward to going!

LEEWhat?

TIMWell, I couldn’t just leave my best girl

behind. Now, could I?

TIM and DAISY snuggle up to one another and giggle.

LEEAll right! Stop it. I’m feeling lousy

enough as it is. I don’t need you two to add to it.

DAISYAw, poor Lee. You know what I think?

LEEToo easy.

DAISYI think Lucy should baby you a bit more. I do that with Tim when he’s not feeling

well. Bring him soup. Warm up his favorite pajamas in the dryer. Read him

a bedtime story.

LUCYOh, there’s no need. Lee already puts himself to sleep with his own reading

material.

TIM(shyly)

I’m partial to curling up with my teddy bear, too.

LUCYYou always have been. Poor little bears.

D’you know he went through five different teddy bears by the time he hit

puberty?

TIM

(irritated)I was talking about DAISY! I swear, you two have been living under the same roof for far too long. He’s rubbed off on

you.

LUCYHe has not!

LEENot yet, anyway. (to DAISY) But with you two, it’s a different thing. Lucy and I just live together. You and Tim are a

couple. It’s a different type of relationship. (pause) More intellectual

foreplay.

DAISYOh, Tim and I tried that once--

LEESTOP.

DISSOLVE TO

ACT III, SCENE I - INT. - KITCHEN

LEE and TIM are in the kitchen, drinking beer.

LEEI’m a bit worried. I’ve tried using different creams and powders and hot water, but it just won‘t clear up.

Nothing seems to be working.

TIMYou might have to go and get some

antibiotics.

LEEI don’t want to go to the doctor.

TIMLee, I can’t say that I want to make

this offer, but you’re clearly suffering. Perhaps… I should take a look

at it. Advise you as to what to do.

LEEYou’ll take any excuse to see my tackle, eh, Tim? Ah, you smooth talker, you.

TIMLee! I’m serious. Look at yourself.

LEEI was just about to, actually.

TIMYou’re in pain, you’re sweating and you’re miserable. If it’s serious enough, perhaps I can help. If it’s

nothing, then maybe you’ll feel better knowing that you’re making a mountain

out of a molehill.

LEEIf only. I’d get more dates that way.

TIMI‘m your friend. It‘s not sexual. Now…

(gestures at Lee) Go on.

LEEAll right. Whatever you say.

LEE and TIM move closer to the island. LEE glances nervously into the living room.

LEEWe’d best make it quick. The last time I got it out in the kitchen, Lucy threw a

fit.

TIMYou exposed yourself to my little

sister?

LEEOh, yea, I had to after she threw all that money at me. I didn’t want to pass

on a fifty-quid bet. Of course not! She just happened to walk in.

TIMPerhaps we should go somewhere more

private.

LEEOh, that’ll look even better. “Lee, what were you doing in the toilet with my big

brother!

TIMLucy’s never seen me naked. How would

she--oh, you mean, OLDER brother. Sorry.

LEEJust… come over here. Let’s get this

over with. Take a look. Tell me what you think I should do.

LEE unzips his pants and reaches in, then TIM looks down. TIM quickly covers his eyes and turns away.

TIMOH!

LEEOh, thanks for that reaction! I feel a

LOT better now!

TIMNo, no. Sorry. It’s not… that bad, I

suppose.

LEE zips up and steps back.

TIMBut that is something you should have a

doctor treat you for.

LEENo, I’ll… I’ll give it a few more days.

TIMUntil what? It grows legs?

DISSOLVE TO

ACT III, SCENE II - INT. - LEE’S BEDROOM

LUCY puts her hand to Lee’s forehead, then touches his neck. He shies away, then blinks and stares at LUCY.

LEETo what do I owe the honor of this

nocturnal visit, m’lady?

LUCYI’m checking up on you, that’s all.

Lee, your glands are swollen and you’ve got a very high fever.

LEEThat’d be your fault, love. (snaps his

fingers) “You give me fever…”

LUCYStop joking around. You’re sick and you

need to see a doctor.

LEE“Doctor, doctor, can’t you see I’m

burnin’, burnin’…”

LUCYAll right. Come on, Lee. Time for a

little trip.

LEENo, thanks, I don’t do acid.

LUCYI mean to A&E.

LEENo. No, I can’t. Really, Lucy, I can’t.

LUCY

Why not?

LEE(in a small voice)Because… I’m afraid.

LUCY sits next to him and takes his hand as she senses the genuine, almost child-like fear in him.

LUCYThere’s nothing to be afraid of, Lee.

They can make you better.

LEEWhat if they don’t? What if they just make everything worse with… with tests and drugs and tissue samples and, and--

LUCYLee. It‘s going to be fine. They’ll just examine you, then give you something for the pain and to help clear up whatever it is that‘s gone wrong. I’ll be there

to hold your hand.

LEEHow about my--

LUCYNo, Lee. Just your hand.

DISSOLVE TO

ACT III, SCENE THREE - INT. - A&E

LEE is lying on a gurney with LUCY seated beside him. There is an IV next to him. Lucy is stroking his head.

LUCYAt least your fever’s gone down now. How

are you feeling?

LEE

Horrible. I’ve got tubes and leads coming out of me. I feel like a car

battery about to be jumped.

LUCYAt least you can say that you got jumped

today.

The DOCTOR ENTERS with a clipboard in hand.

DOCTORHello, there! I’m Doctor Harrington.

Nice to meet you.

LEELee. Not so much under the circumstances, I’m afraid.

DOCTORI’ll just take a look…

LUCY steps to the end of the bed and discreetly looks away as THE DOCTOR lifts the sheet, then puts it back down.

DOCTOROh, sorry. Hold on a moment, I have to

get my glasses.

LEEOh, here we go again. What’s next, a crack about a magnifying glass or a

microscope?

LUCYLee, he’s a professional. He’d never say

such things. That’s my job.

THE DOCTOR pulls out a glasses case, puts on his glasses and pulls up the bed sheet.

DOCTOR

Oh, yes. Well, Lee, it seems that you have balanitis.

LEEBalanitis? What’s that?

DOCTORAn inflammation of the glans--the foreskin and head of the penis.

THE DOCTOR replaces the bed sheet around LEE and consults the clipboard.

LEEIt’s not serious, is it?

DOCTORAccording to your chart, this is the first time you’ve ever had this issue, is that correct? Well, then, I’d say no. We’ll treat it and it should be

fine. Worse case scenario, if it refuses to go away, then surgery might be an

option.

LUCYSurgery? What kind of surgery?

DOCTORCircumcision.

The DOCTOR closes the clipboard with a snap. LEE jumps.

LEEOOH! No, no, no! Don’t even use that word. I’d just as soon like to hang on

to what I have, thanks.

LUCYYou already do. Tightly. With both

fingers.

LEECheers, Lucy.

DOCTORDon’t worry. With balanitis,

circumcision only takes place in very rare cases. You‘ve got a serious

infection, but it‘s not nearly at the stage where surgery is needed. A bit of steroidal cream, washing twice a day with a saline solution, and it should

clear up in no time.

LEEThat’s a relief.

DOCTORIt’s nothing to worry about. It‘s

actually a fairly common problem with uncircumcised men.

LUCYThanks for that information, by the way.

So what brought it on?

DOCTOROh, there are a variety of causes.

Anything from uncontrolled diabetes to not properly rinsing soap off after a

bath.

LUCYI’m sure that last one isn’t a problem.

DOCTORIt can also be due to a chemical in soap, washing powder, clothing--

LUCYWashing powder? What about fabric

softener?

DOCTORYes, that, too. I’ll go and put in the prescription. You can get dressed, Lee,

and I’ll see you in a few minutes.

DOCTOR EXITS.

LUCYOops.

LEEWhat’ya mean, “oops”?

LUCYWell, I bought a new brand of fabric

softener last month. I thought it would help freshen things up. I didn’t know that… oh, I’m so sorry, Lee. I broke

your penis.

DISSOLVE TO

ACT III, SCENE IV - INT. - LUCY’S FLAT

LUCY gives LEE a bowl of soup and sits next to him on the sofa.

LUCYAnd to think, this happened just because I changed soap brands. You feeling all

right now?

LEENo. I feel pretty stupid, actually.

Imagine if it had been something really serious, like testicular cancer or

something, and I just kept it to myself because I didn’t want to be embarrassed.

LUCYLee, if you ever have a problem,

whatever it is, you should be able to come to me with it. At the very least,

as a friend.

LEEYou’re right. Or as Tim says, “Lucy’s

always right.”

LUCY

I’m not ALWAYS right. Just most of the time.

LEEAh, your modesty amazes me, my lady!

LUCYWell, I certainly wasn’t right where Daisy is concerned. Trying to turn her into a saleswoman is like trying to turn

Tim--

LEEStraight?

LUCYThat’s my brother you’re slandering.

LEEYou‘re right. I should leave it up to

the experts such as yourself.

LUCYI’ll tell you what. Behave yourself, and

maybe I’ll tell you a bedtime story later.

LEEI could do without the story, but I

wouldn’t mind being tucked in.

LUCYEr, speaking of tucking in, ah, you

might want to--

LEE glances down, then quickly readjusts the blanket around his waist.

LEESorry about that. I just lost out on the

cuddle, there, didn’t I?

LUCY nods.

END

not going out - "my aching head" (rough draft #2)

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