Nonviolent CommunicationNonviolent CommunicationAn IntroductionAn Introduction

Mark TracyMark Tracy

What is NVCWhat is NVC

Theory for understanding the nature of Theory for understanding the nature of conflict. conflict.

A tool for helping us deal with it.A tool for helping us deal with it. Developed by Marshall Rosenberg and the Developed by Marshall Rosenberg and the

Center for Nonviolent CommunicationCenter for Nonviolent Communication

NVC Premise 1NVC Premise 1

Human beings fundamentally desire to enrich Human beings fundamentally desire to enrich life. To grow, become, and learn and help life. To grow, become, and learn and help others do the same others do the same

In life, in the workplace, in our relationships In life, in the workplace, in our relationships we want to connect to others in meaningful we want to connect to others in meaningful ways. ways.

What prevents this? 2nd premise What prevents this? 2nd premise

Our dominant cultural paradigm tells us the Our dominant cultural paradigm tells us the "story" that violence and conflict occur, trust "story" that violence and conflict occur, trust and respect are compromised and our troubles, and respect are compromised and our troubles, anxieties are the consequence of “bad” others, anxieties are the consequence of “bad” others, or “shameful” selves or “shameful” selves

But why? MotivationBut why? Motivation

1. Pathology (enjoy people suffering)1. Pathology (enjoy people suffering)

2. Greed. Selfishness2. Greed. Selfishness

3. "Bad" "immoral" people3. "Bad" "immoral" people

4. Cannot control oneself, impulses4. Cannot control oneself, impulses

How do we know who is right?How do we know who is right?

Need an authority to tell us. Need an authority to tell us.

Common authorities.Common authorities.

1. God (Religious)1. God (Religious)

2. Law (Government)2. Law (Government)

3. Intelligent, educated people3. Intelligent, educated people

4. You and I in our daily judgments of right and 4. You and I in our daily judgments of right and wrong, good and bad, deserving etc.wrong, good and bad, deserving etc.

And a language to support itAnd a language to support it

Thus a language structure is created to facilitate Thus a language structure is created to facilitate judgment, evaluation, criticism, blame and the judgment, evaluation, criticism, blame and the attribution of responsibility. attribution of responsibility.

This language is so disguised we have trouble This language is so disguised we have trouble recognizing it as violent. It is often not the recognizing it as violent. It is often not the content "you are a complete bitch" but is content "you are a complete bitch" but is disguised in the structure of the language.disguised in the structure of the language.

ExamplesExamples

"It would be great if you...”"It would be great if you...”

"It is so disrespectful to come late to a meeting”"It is so disrespectful to come late to a meeting”

"Dawn just needs to be in control”"Dawn just needs to be in control”

"Say your sorry”"Say your sorry”

"Good boy, bad girl”"Good boy, bad girl”

NVC premise 3NVC premise 3

Violence will always exist if we continue to use Violence will always exist if we continue to use and support the infrastructure that reinforces it, and support the infrastructure that reinforces it, language.language.

But why is this so bad?But why is this so bad?

Doesn’t this only apply to people who do Doesn’t this only apply to people who do atrocious things? atrocious things?

Isn’t there a difference between co-workers Isn’t there a difference between co-workers bickering and murderers?bickering and murderers?

Don’t we benefit from having a belief system Don’t we benefit from having a belief system that keeps us safe from them?that keeps us safe from them?

Maybe…Maybe…

But I find that those acts are only different in But I find that those acts are only different in degree and carry the same general principles. degree and carry the same general principles.

I think of interactions that I with co-workers, I think of interactions that I with co-workers, friends, and spouse where there is conflict or friends, and spouse where there is conflict or some feeling that isn't life enriching.some feeling that isn't life enriching.

In these circumstances I think about what can In these circumstances I think about what can give me resolution? give me resolution?

Dominant cultural paradigmDominant cultural paradigm

Is very limited in providing solutions. Is very limited in providing solutions.

We are forced to determine right and wrong, We are forced to determine right and wrong, good and bad, punishments and rewards and good and bad, punishments and rewards and evaluate, judge, criticize, blame, take evaluate, judge, criticize, blame, take responsibility, shame, and the worst of all, responsibility, shame, and the worst of all, compromise. compromise.

What I have foundWhat I have found

None of these create the kind of life experiences None of these create the kind of life experiences that I want to have.that I want to have.

They don't bring resolution and they leave me They don't bring resolution and they leave me feeling less than fully human.feeling less than fully human.

Why is it so hard to get along?Why is it so hard to get along?

Because our cultural story tells us that we are Because our cultural story tells us that we are fundamentally in conflict with one another.fundamentally in conflict with one another.

Why is it so hard to get alongWhy is it so hard to get along

We believe that cooperation is the consequence We believe that cooperation is the consequence of similar interests, morality and ethics, beliefs of similar interests, morality and ethics, beliefs and judgments. When people "think" alike and judgments. When people "think" alike they get along.they get along.

We usually assume that our thoughts, judgments We usually assume that our thoughts, judgments and morals are more right than others and and morals are more right than others and justify this with religious teachings, morality, justify this with religious teachings, morality, cultural training, reason and rationality.cultural training, reason and rationality.

Why is it so hard to get along?Why is it so hard to get along?

In the context of close relationships, friends and In the context of close relationships, friends and lovers we believe that we are aligned on most lovers we believe that we are aligned on most things but some conflict, is inevitable and things but some conflict, is inevitable and requires compromise, blame, punishments, requires compromise, blame, punishments, reward etc. ("Win-lose" paradigm). reward etc. ("Win-lose" paradigm).

Our cultural training coupled with language Our cultural training coupled with language makes it very difficult to engage with others in makes it very difficult to engage with others in the way that I want to engage.the way that I want to engage.

NVCNVC

Offers an alternative to this paradigm. By using Offers an alternative to this paradigm. By using needs in our language we free ourselves from needs in our language we free ourselves from the potential violence of moral judgments, the potential violence of moral judgments, thought and rationality. thought and rationality.

NVC Premise 4NVC Premise 4

Human beings share a set of universal needs. Human beings share a set of universal needs. NVC distinguishes between “needs” and NVC distinguishes between “needs” and “strategies”.“strategies”.

NVCNVC

With an understanding of needs: the With an understanding of needs: the competition, argument, difference of opinion, competition, argument, difference of opinion, lack of trust and respect dissolves as we begin lack of trust and respect dissolves as we begin to connect with the humanness of each others to connect with the humanness of each others “strategies”. “strategies”.

NVCNVC

Our selfish spouse, our controlling boss, our Our selfish spouse, our controlling boss, our bratty kids, our incompetent president are all bratty kids, our incompetent president are all trying to meet needs in the best way they know trying to meet needs in the best way they know how. how.

They are human just like you and I, they need They are human just like you and I, they need safety and nurturance, empathy, understanding safety and nurturance, empathy, understanding and integrity. and integrity.

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When we see past their strategies straight to their When we see past their strategies straight to their heart we no longer hear their words as threats heart we no longer hear their words as threats to be challenged, their arguments to be to be challenged, their arguments to be dissected, or theirs thoughts and motives to be dissected, or theirs thoughts and motives to be judged or criticized. judged or criticized.

Premise 5 and 6Premise 5 and 6

All human beings are doing their very best to All human beings are doing their very best to meet needs with every behavior, action, meet needs with every behavior, action, thought, or email.thought, or email.

When we see straight to their heart, we naturally When we see straight to their heart, we naturally desire to help them do so.desire to help them do so.

Premise 7Premise 7

We equally desire to enrich our own lives as We equally desire to enrich our own lives as well as others. These are not mutually well as others. These are not mutually exclusive.exclusive.

Thus, contribution to othersThus, contribution to others

Is no longer out of guilt or shame, or Is no longer out of guilt or shame, or compromise or because we have to, or because compromise or because we have to, or because we are made to, or because we have to be we are made to, or because we have to be professional or polite, but because it makes our professional or polite, but because it makes our lives wonderful to have the opportunity, the lives wonderful to have the opportunity, the gift, to help others make their lives wonderful. gift, to help others make their lives wonderful. And again, at no cost to ourselves.And again, at no cost to ourselves.

NVC premise 8NVC premise 8

At the level of needs there is no conflict, no At the level of needs there is no conflict, no competition for a finite set of resources, no competition for a finite set of resources, no right or wrong.right or wrong.

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Rather than seeing cooperation, promoting trust Rather than seeing cooperation, promoting trust and respect, combating violence as the right and respect, combating violence as the right set of people, doing and saying the right set of set of people, doing and saying the right set of things, NVC gives us hope in our relationships things, NVC gives us hope in our relationships and provides us a new language for enriching and provides us a new language for enriching life. life.

NVC NVC

Is based on 2 principles: Is based on 2 principles:

1. honest expression1. honest expression

2. empathetic listening2. empathetic listening

Honest ExpressionHonest Expression

1.1. ObservationObservation

2.2. FeelingsFeelings

3.3. NeedsNeeds

4.4. RequestsRequests