Volume 32

Num

ber 6NON-PROFIT ORG

U.S. POSTAGEPAID

ST. LOUIS, MOPERMIT #3659

ST. LOUIS CHAPTERBEREAVED PARENTS U.S.A.P.O. BOX 410350ST. LOUIS, MO 63141 RETURN SERVICE REQUESTEDPOSTMASTER: Dated MaterialContained within… please do not delay!

“Candlelight 09” ..................... 1 & 2Angel of Hope ............................... 3Margaret’s Corner ......................... 4St. Louis Bulletin Board ................ 5“Thankful?” .................................... 6Sponsorship Page Sean Anderson .... 7Love Gifts .............................. 8 & 9“We are Only Human”.................... 10Sibling Page ................................ 11Telephone Friends & Calendar .... 12Toddler & Infant ........................ 13“For the New Year” ........................ 14Meeting Times and Places .......... 15

November • December 2009November • December 2009

Bereaved ParentsUSASt. Louis Chapter Newsletter

or our affluence is or what faith we uphold as we confront the tragedies of our children’s deaths. Together, strengthened by the bonds we forge at our gatherings, we offer what we have learned to each other and to every more recently bereaved family. We are the Bereaved Parents of the USA. We welcome you.

We are the parents whose children have died. We are the grandparents who have buried

grandchildren. We are the siblings whose brothers and sisters no longer walk with us through life. We come together as BP/USA to provide a haven where all bereaved families can meet and share our grief journeys. We attend monthly gatherings whenever we can and for as long as we believe necessary. We share our fears, confusions, anger, guilt, frustrations, emptiness and feelings of hopelessness so that hope can be found anew. As we accept, support, comfort and encourage each other, we demonstrate to each other that survival is possible. Together we celebrate the lives of our children, share the joys and triumphs as well as the love that will never fade. Together we learn how little it matters where we live, what our color

Bereaved Parents of the USA Credo

INSI

DE: N

ovem

ber D

ecem

berFeaturing Harpist

Amy Camie December 1, 2009

Shaare Emeth Congregation

11645 Ladue (Ballas & Ladue)

St Louis, MO 63141

Candlelight —Sharon Krejci,

Every year in early December, our St. Louis Chapter holds a Candlelight Memorial Service to

honor and remember our children who have died. The service itself includes music, poetry, and special words of understanding and hope. The highlight for most of us is that moment in the service when we see our child’s picture, hear our child’s name read aloud, and light a candle in their memory.Is it difficult? Yes – it can be. But it is a beautiful tribute to our children as well as a healing and peaceful experience for those that attend.The Candlelight is a ‘no miss’ in my life. Each year, I begin my holiday season by lighting a candle for Andrew and remembering how he is still (and always will be) a part of my life. If you have any questions, please call me at 636-532-0033 or the Bereaved Parent. Please leave a message, your call will be returned.

In Memory of our Children

Service starts promptly at 7:30 pmRegistration from 6:45-7:15 pm

ww

w.bpusastl.org

B e r e a v e d P a r e n t s U S A w

ww

.bpu

sast

l.or

g

B e r e a v e d P a r e n t s U S A

2 15

Meeting T imes & PlacesARNOLD-IMPERIAL

Please see So. County Fenton Group

BOWLING GREEN(3rd Thursday, 7-9 PM)

Prairie Edge Garden Center, 18011 Business 161 S. Bowling Green, MO 63334Fac: Cindy Morris (636)462-9961

Bowling Green’s SIBLING GROUP(Meet time same as Bowling Green)

Fac: Wendy Koch (573)822-6123

TROY, MO Group(2nd Tuesday, 7 PM)

Ingersoll Chapel in TroyFac: Cindy Morris (636)462–9961

Troy’s SIBLING GROUP(Meets same time as Troy)

ST. PETERS (1st Thursday, 7:00 PM)

Knights of Columbus Hall 5701 Hwy N, Cottleville MOFac: Cindy Morris (636)462-9961 Greg Klocke 636-441-5304

St. Peters’ SIBLING GROUP(Meets same time as St Peters)

Tri-County Chapter(2nd Thursday)

First Baptist Church 402 North Missouri St Potosi, MO 63664Fac: Brenda Wilson (573)438-4559

JEFFERSON COUNTY, SOUTH (1st Thursday, 7 PM)

St Rose Catholic Church, Miller & 3rd St Desoto, MOFacs: Ginny Kamp (636)586-8559 Co: Debbie Larson

Meeting T imes & Places BPUSA St L Chapter's Business Meeting: Nov. 14 Facilitators Meet: Dec. 12Saturdays @ 9:00 AM

Creve Coeur Gov’t Center Room #1

300 N. New Ballas RoadAll interested in how our chapter operates are welcome. Questions?

Call: Sharon Krejci (636) 532-0033

Newsletter Submissions:Cut off date for JAN • FEB issue is DEC 20th

Send your submission to:Jamie Ryan

6309 Washington AveSt. Louis, MO 63130

Include a self addressed stamped envelope, please make checks payable to BPUSA Thankyou!

ADDITIONAL MEETINGS

SOUTH COUNTY Fenton (2nd & 4th Monday, 7 PM)

Abiding Savior Lutheran Church 4355 Butler Hill Rd. St. Louis, Mo 63128Fac: Kathy Myers (636)343-5262 Co: Darla McGuire (636)671-0916

WASHINGTON MO Group(3rd Tues, 7 PM every other Month)First Baptist Church (use East door) 11E. 14th St. Washington, MO Fac: Betty Werner (636)3904422

NORTH COUNTY Group(3rd Saturday, 9:30 AM)

Coldwell Baker Gundaker Bldg (rear) 2402 North Hwy 67 Fac: Pat Ryan (314)605–3949

Volunteer interpreter for hearing impaired, call ahead!

WEST COUNTY Group(4th Tues, 7 PM)

Shaare Emeth Congregation, 11645 Ladue (Ballas & Ladue) MO 63141 Fac: Judy Ruby (314)994–1996

Parents of Murdered Children:Meetings: 3rd Tues 7:30 p.m.

St Alexius Hospital 3933 S Broadway

Mata Weber (618) 972-0429 Butch Hartmann (314) 487-8989LIFE CRISIS CENTER: (Survivors of Suicide)

2650 Olive St, St. Louis, MO 63103 Meetings: Weds 7:00 p.m. (314) 647-3100

P.A.L.S. (Parents affected by the loss of a child by suicide)Meetings: 2nd Tues 7:00 p.m. 4th Sat at 10:30 a.m.St Lukes Hospital (141 & 40)St. Louis, MO (314) 853-7925

A Candlelight Service In Memory of Our Children...

Tuesday, December 1, 2009Service starts promptly at 7:30 pm

Registration from 6:45-7:15 pm NEW Location

Congregation Shaare Emeth 11645 Ladue Road

(corner of Ballas & Ladue) St. Louis, MO

Please RSVP by November 16, 2009

This evening is dedicated to the memory of our children who have died, but will never be forgotten. Come hear your child’s name and share in the

words of hope and beautiful songs dedicated to our children.

Slideshow Information

Along with your RSVP, please send a picture of your child, with a self addressed return envelope for the slide presentation. If you choose not to participate in the slide presentation, your child’s name will still be read. There is no need to send a picture if you sent one last year. Your RSVP will ensure that your child will be included in the

slide presentation.

Candlelight 2009

Donations to Support

BP USA are Welcomed

with Registration

ww

w.bpusastl.org

B e r e a v e d P a r e n t s U S A w

ww

.bpu

sast

l.or

g

B e r e a v e d P a r e n t s U S A

314 3

You, your family & friends are invited...

Angel of Hope December 6, 2009

7:00 pm.Located at Blanchette Park,

St. Charles, MO. Take Highway 70 West to North 5th Street;

make a left on Randolph to Blanchette Park.

It is customary to bring a white rose and a candle.

For further Angel of

Hope information

contact: National SHARE

office St. Joseph Health Center

1-800-821-6819 or visit,

www. bpusastl.org/

Angel_of_Hope.htm

—Mary Ehmann, TCF, Valley Forge, PA

Instead of the old kind of New Year’s resolutions we used to make and break, let’s make some this year and really try to keep them:

Try not to imagine the future. Take one day at a time.

Allow yourself time to cry, both alone and with your loved ones.

Don’t shut out other family members from your thoughts and feelings. Share these difficult times. You may all become closer for it.

Try to be realistic about your expectations of yourself, your spouse, other family members, and friends. If each of us is unique and different, how can there be perfect understanding?

When a good day comes, relish it. Don’t feel guilty and don’t be discouraged because it doesn’t last.

Take care of your health. Even though the mind might not care, a sick body will only compound your troubles. Drink lots of water, take vitamins, rest (even if you don’t sleep), and get moderate exercise. Help your body to heal, as well as your mind.

Share your feelings with other compassionate friends, and let them share with you. You will find that as you begin caring about the pain of others, you will start to come out of your shell - a very healthy sign.

I know that following these resolutions won’t be easy, but what has been? It is worth a try. There is nothing to lose, and perhaps much

to gain.

A Silent Scream—Crystal Moore, Jobe’s mother, Marion County FL Chapter BP/USA

A silent scream escaped my lips, I saw you slipping away. I wonder if I cried out loud, if that could make you stay?

A silent scream escaped my lips, you slipped beyond my touch. How was I to know the pain would hurt so much?

A silent scream and mournful tears, I weep for you each night, and know it would be wrong for me to deny your spiritual flight.

A silent scream still echoes throughout this empty home, I know I must face the truth and learn to live alone.

This silent scream still remains, I could not make you stay. So patiently I’ll await the day when I will come your way.

And when we meet again; And our spirits soar away, that silent scream will shatter for I’ll know I’ve found my way.

ww

w.bpusastl.org

B e r e a v e d P a r e n t s U S A w

ww

.bpu

sast

l.or

g

B e r e a v e d P a r e n t s U S A

f this is your first holiday season without your child you are probably dreading it, or at least not looking forward to it with your usual anticipation. Maybe you are already asking yourself, “How will I feel the joy of Christmas without him to share it with me?” or “How will I get through

Thanksgiving dinner with that empty chair looking at me? Perhaps you just don’t want to think about it, but the thoughts keep popping into your head anyway. Hopefully, the ideas here will help you get through the season ahead.

Let me emphasize a few points. First, know that the anticipation of the day is always worse than the day itself. Secondly, know and accept that it will be painful.

Allow yourself to lean into the hurt. It is because you loved that you are hurting deeply now. Let the pain happen and it will lessen more quickly. You probably have had many joyful holidays with your child, so you can expect that the first holiday without him will be difficult.

In order to make this time easier on you, friends and family might mistakenly try to keep you constantly occupied on Thanksgiving or Christmas Day. They hope that keeping you busy will prevent you from thinking of your child. This probably won’t work. In addition to thinking about your child and the holidays you shared in the past, you will feel the added stress of having to put on a “face” for those around you. Here’s a suggestion for compromise that fall between staying in bed crying all day and keeping so busy that yo u can’t think. Make some plans that openly address the fact that this is the first holiday without your child and you miss him terribly. Tell those you’ll be spending the day with that this will be a difficult time for you, and they can help you best by allowing you to express your feelings. Let them know you’ll need to talk about past holidays with your child and to talk about how you miss him this year. If you

explain this to others in advance, it can free you to discuss your thoughts and feelings. Meanwhile, others are spared the discomfort of not knowing what to expect from you, or not knowing what to say to you on this day.

A word of warning! Friends and relatives may see you as “morbid” or “sick” if you do some of the things suggested here, don’t let this deter you if this is what YOU want to do. You must get yourself through difficult days or times in ways that are best for you.

May the spirit of the holidays bring you some

measure of peace.

4 13

PageInfant & Toddler

13

“You must get yourself through difficult days or times in ways that are best for you.”

FirstHOLIDAY SEASON

—Dennis Klass, Former advisor to BP/USA National Newsletter of BP/USA, A Journey Together

So it’s about a baby– born, celebrated. About the wonder that gathers around a birth. It’s about new life and hope– a rose blooming in the middle of a winter’s snow. Gifts from afar and promise of peace. Everybody’s baby feels like the Christ Child. The mystery of that birth is repeat-ed for each of us in the birth of our own children. The mystery of something new that never was before, that has nothing but possibilities– those mysteries are all part of every birth. For most people, the hope is for that emerging newness. The birth of the child represents a continual renewal– the opening up of the future as one generation succeeds another.But it was not a long and happy life. He couldn’t seem to settle down to the car-penter business. When He came home once, He got people so upset that they ran Him out of town. And He died.For bereaved parents, some of the mes-sage of Christmas is in the irony that this child was born to die. So Christmas has a bittersweet taste for BP members. A baby born and now a child dead. Our love is still going out but there is not a receiver on the other end.There is another way of looking at it though. “O come to us, abide with us, be

born in us this day.” The child lives be-cause he lives in us. Our life was changed by his visit to earth. We have been touched by that special ness that was that’s child’s alone. Our child did not die so that we would shrivel up. Our child’s birth and death means we must live. The love we had for that child is now ours to give to ourselves and to others.We know the meaning of Christmas in a way others can only guess. We thought we would leave our children behind us: now we know that our children have left us behind. We live in their place.“O come to us, abide with us, be born in us this day.”

ww

w.bpusastl.org

B e r e a v e d P a r e n t s U S A w

ww

.bpu

sast

l.or

g

B e r e a v e d P a r e n t s U S A

12

Telephone FriendsAccident, Automobile:Katie VerHagen .................................. (314) 576-5018Steve Welch ........................................ (636) 561-2438

Accident, Non Vehicular:Maureen & Chuck McDermott ......... (636) 227-6931Adult Sibling:Mark VerHagen .................................. (314) 726-5300Traci Morlock ..................................... (636) 332-1311Drugs or Alcohol:Patrick Dodd ...................................... (314) 575-4178

Grandparent:Margaret Gerner ................................. (636) 978-2368

Child with Disability:Lois Brockmeyer ................................. (314) 843-8391

Illness, Short Term:Jean & Art Taylor ............................... (314) 725-2412Illinois Contact:Linda Moffatt ..................................... (618) 243-6558Jefferson County Contact:Sandy Brungardt ................................. (314 954–2410

Murder:Mata Weber ........................................ (618) 972-0429Butch Hartmann ................................. (314) 487-8989Only Child:Mary Murphy ..................................... (314) 822-7448Suicide:Sandy Curran ..................................... (314) 647-2863Single Parent:Mary Murphy .................................... (314) 822-7448

5

St. Louis Bulletin Board

Be a…Web Sponsor for a $20 donation to BPUSA/STL your child will be featured on our home page for 1 month. Includes a scrolling message and your child’s picture (25 words or fewer).

Create a…Web Memorial at the “Meet Our Children” section. The cost is a $25 donation. Your child’s name will appear below your group as a link to their page.

Interested, contact: Barb Blanton at our website or barb_blanton@yahoo.com. With your donation, specify whether you want to sponsor or to add to the web memorial.

BPUSA StL’s commitment is to provide space in our newsletter for our parents and

families to communicate. Printed in your newsletter are private expressions of writers. We offer the writings for your reflection. Sometimes observing nature or establishing routines signal solace to the writer. Often writers turn to religion or spirituality for comfort and guidance.

BPUSA StL shares these insights not only for your contemplation but also to acknowledge our community’s

many, rich sources for strength and hope.

All Aboard!

Newsletter is going green & digital! Please send Sharon, skrejci@swbell.netyour email address.

you to let some of it go. That person may even remind you of something you had forgotten about on those days when you are sucked into a vortex of guilt and rendered incapable of remembering any of the positives. For example, a dear friend reminded me– one time when I was bushwhacked by a “guilt day”—of something she thought was extra special I had done for my daughter; something that she thought went above and beyond the call of duty as a mother. Nina had called me from school to sweetly beg me to pick up a Valentine’s gift for her boyfriend. One of the gifts was glow-in-the-dark stars like she had on her bedroom ceiling. She told me where to get them (a specialty store at a mall about 30 minutes away). I could tell by her voice how important it was to her, so I dropped everything and off I went to the mall. Little did I know that it would take three trips to three separate malls in different parts of town before I found a store that had any left in stock! Luckily, I made it home just minutes before she and her boyfriend arrived. I recall her exquisite smile and hugs of genuine thanks for my efforts. I remembered how gloriously radiant and pleased she looked when she came upstairs to show me the red shirt with the Tweety-Bird (her favorite) insignia on the turtleneck collar that her boyfriend had given her. Thankfully my friend steered me in the direction of these happy memories and positive reflections of Nina’s last Valentine’s Day and thereby broke the cycle of more negative thinking. I believe that no one is harder on themselves than bereaved parents. Even as irrational as it is, we feel that we failed as our children’s guardians, that we should have been super-human and able to protect them from cancer, drunk drivers, criminals, drugs, depression, congenital illnesses, and a host of other unspeakable evils with the potential to take away their precious lives. The bottom line is that we are not invincible or perfect; we are only human. We did the best that we could with what we had to deal with at the time. Our children know this; they love and forgive us for our own humanness and associated imperfections, and I believe would want us to forgive ourselves as well.

Book ReviewDREAMING KEVIN Path to Healing

—Carla Blowey Bereaved parents will certainly identify with the author’s vivid account of her feelings on the day that her son, Kevin, was struck by a car and killed. Com-plicating those emotions were

the fact that, only the night be-fore, she had a nightmare about his death; as a busy mom, she brushed the dream aside and involved herself in the routine of that day. During the early months of her grief, she began to feel that her dreams, which throughout her life had been very vivid, were a way for her to deal

with the pain and to confront the spiritual dilemma that many parents experience. Carla’s account of using messages of hope in her dreams to begin to let go of her pain and to reach for a new spiritual center and re-newed faith may be encour-aging to others grieving the death of a precious child.

“The hurt never goes away. We never forget.

We never get over it. We don’t want to.

We hurt so much because we loved so much. But the focus on death and the event fades and the

warmth of good memories replaces it.” —Richard E.,Tyler, TX

ww

w.bpusastl.org

B e r e a v e d P a r e n t s U S A w

ww

.bpu

sast

l.or

g

B e r e a v e d P a r e n t s U S A

Then, one year, Brad died two months before Thanksgiving. I could not fathom being thankful. My child had died!! All the hotel arrangements had been made the year before. We were on automatic pilot and just went with the flow. We did insist on everyone sharing a memory with Brad and lighting a candle in his memory. When I made this request there were probably some anxious moments… I don’t remember, nor did I care. In some ways, I think it was good for us, sticking with some of the traditions that Brad loved and adding new ones to honor him. Was it hard? No doubt. Should we have stayed home … gone somewhere else? No matter where we would have gone, he still would not have been there … there is no getting around that. The pain would have been with us no matter where we were. We told Brad we loved him, writing it in huge letters in the sand. I spent quiet moments by myself, walking on the beach. I cried by myself and with others. I even laughed a couple of times as we shared silly moments of other Thanksgiving days with Brad. Most of the day, I felt I was in the “twilight zone” … participating but removed.That night, when I was by myself, I sat and wrote a letter to Brad … a letter telling him how thankful I was that he was my son, that I had him for those 17 years, 364 days .. That I was thankful for every moment, great, good and not so good. I was thankful for the love we still had. Have I ever had a “normal” Thanksgiving again? NO … no. I have rearranged things in my mind … some things I keep to myself so others can fully enjoy the day. But I always include Brad in some way. I cannot change that he is no longer physically here … so I have to change my world to make way for this new life of mine and make the best of it.

Friends … if this is your first Thanksgiving since the death of your child, I am very sorry. There is nothing I can say here to make it any better; wish I could. Everyone has to do the holiday thing in their own way … whatever might make you the most comfortable. I will share with you part of my Thanksgiving traditions. For years our family had gone away for Thanksgiving. We were joined by extended family and it was always a good time. When our kids were little. We went camping and cooked the turkey outside in a smoker. Some great memories were created.

The kids got older and I figured out that fixing a big meal outdoors was only for everyone else, not the ones bringing everything for it and fixing it! Our plan then changed and we began going to a hotel on the beach. Now that was the way to go! We had a big suite, nice heated pool at ocean’s edge and maid service!

Then, one year, Brad died two months before Thanksgiving.

Sibling Page

116

“Do you have any brothers or sisters?”

What was once a simple question now brings so much pain. The question, “Do you have any

brothers or sisters”” is often asked as a part of getting to know someone new.The answer may vary depending upon the circumstances. No matter how siblings respond to the question, they know that the relationship does not die and that they will always be brothers or sisters to their sibling who died.

My Child died Don’t ExpEct ME to BE thankful

By Linda Moore, Orange County BP/USA

i Carried hiM–Donald Freeman, Brunswick, ME

I went into the school. I felt cold, a feeling of death in the air. My body shook, my knees gave way, I stumbled to his locker. The halls were empty. I looked at the locker, took too many tries to open it.

In front of me were his books, jackets, and papers. As I cleaned out his locker, tears came. Never felt so alone. Gathered his stuff in my arms. Tears covered my face.

Slowly walked down the hall. A feeling– I felt him.

He was in my arms. It felt like I was carrying his body. I cried, many tears filled my eyes.

Thoughts entered my mind– he was no more.

love

gift

s, do

nati

ons r

ecei

ved love gifts, donations received

8 9

What Is A Love Gift?It is a donation made in your child’s memory to BP/USA. We are self-supporting organization. Our St Louis Chapter runs entirely with volunteer staffers. For that reason fund raising efforts and donations like “Love Gifts” and “Golfing for Angels” pay all our expenses. If you ‘d like to have your child’s photo printed and BP/USA StL doesn’t have a picture on file please send a photo along with a self addressed stamped envelope to: Jamie Ryan, 6309 Washington Ave, St Louis, MO 63130 —Thank you!

In Memory ofArran Ragon

November 26, 1985– March 1, 2007Happy Birthday

Happy Thanks GivingLove you forever,

Mom, Dad, Kavin, Keith, Wendy, Carissa, Tyler,

Kaleb & Ragon—Bill & Kaye Ragon

In Memory of JP Rosciglione

June 14, 1984–February 4, 2005 —Malissa Ault

Memory ofJohn C. Long IV

November 10, 1963– April 25, 1992Happy Birthday, my heart

still aches with sadness, know one will ever know

how it hurt to lose you. My love will go on forever

Love always, Mom—Shirley & Bill Baumann

In Memory ofErin Marie Ewing

October 31, 1980–November 1, 2000Love Mom & Chuck

–Jean Ewing

In Memory ofGeorge Vancil

December 26, 1961–July 10, 2005love you Mom, Ron & RonnyIn Memory of

Jennifer FranciscoNovember 17, 1972– December 5, 2008

—Jean & Mike Francisco

In Memory ofJane Lynn Franklin

September 23, 1951– March 12, 2006—Jacqulyn Buchmiller

In Memory ofStephen Paul Hughes

June 10, 1989 July 8, 2005We miss you so much.

Love, Mom, Dad, Tricia and Misty —Steve & Connie Hughes

In Memory ofLeah Ryan EisenbergDecember 31, 1984– May 23, 2006

Leah on my mind, Leah in my heart. Lebe forever loved, Mom & Max

—Jamie Ryan

In Memory ofKay Glassman

— Mary Anny & David Gelfand

In Honor of BPUSA St. Louis

—Terry & David Guempel

In Memory ofBrian RubyLove Mom & Dad

—Scott & Judy RubyIn Memory of

Michael & Kristen Curran —Sandra & Robert Curran

In Memory ofBrett Alan BlantonJuly 15, 1973 ~ August 31, 2000

Love, Mom—Barb & Ron Blanton

In Memory ofBrian Turnbough

December 2, 1979– September 30, 2002Happy 30th Birthday

Forever young in my heart Love, Mom

—Paulette Turnbough

In Memory of Lindsay MarieDoddNovember 15, 1981–June 23, 2003

—Patrick Dodd

In Memory OfJennifer Daugherty

You remain in our hearts forever

—James & Jeannette Daugherty

In Memory ofBrian Klocke

— Greg Klocke

ww

w.bpusastl.org

B e r e a v e d P a r e n t s U S A w

ww

.bpu

sast

l.or

g

B e r e a v e d P a r e n t s U S A

10 7

We’re Only Human

—Cathy Seehuetter, ST. Paul, MN

Guilt Days’: There is neither rhyme nor reason to when they will occur, even eight and a half years after my daughter

Nina’s death. I had one just the other day. I suppose it didn’t help that it was a dreary stereotypical Minnesota day in February with depressingly gray skies and temperatures outside registering teeth-chattering, sub-zero cold with just enough snow fall to make venturing out problematic. These surroundings made it quite easy, even without any apparent good reason, to plummet into a “blue funk”. My state of mind then heads in a negative direction ultimately sliding into a bottomless pit of senseless guilt. In my experience with my friends who are bereaved parents, most admit that they experience this same phenomenon. I don’t think there is anyone among us who can say after the death of their child that they don’t regret something that they did or didn’t do, said or didn’t say to that child while they were living. It doesn’t matter that the reasons for our feelings of guilt may be unfounded or even seem foolish, the fact remains that we have them. For example, on birthdays or holidays where I would customarily give a gift, if inexplicably I recall the “toy cash register incident,’ I am guaranteed an instant “guilt day”. In explanation, year after year Nina requested a toy cash register for a present; even to an age that I thought was unreasonable to want such a thing. For some reason, unbeknownst to even me, in my eyes it was a silly gift; something that she couldn’t possibly really want or even use once she got it. Needless to say, I never bought it for her. I can tell you, though, that even to this day when I walk through the toy department and I see a toy cash register I feel a deep sadness and tears come to my eyes because I didn’t buy her the so-called “silly” present that she obviously really wanted.

Just innocently strolling through a toy department and seeing a toy cash register can begin a domino effect of guilt feelings, a chain reaction of remembering even the tiniest self-perceived slight or any incident that I wish I could take back where Nina is concerned. Such as the time she wanted me to give her a ride to Girl Scouts, which was only four blocks away from our house. I had a migraine headache and could barely lift my head off the pillow and therefore couldn’t give her one. So she hopped on her bike and about a block from our house hit a bump in the road and was thrown over the handlebars breaking her collarbone! Even though I know realistically that I couldn’t have done

anything different considering the circumstances, when I am in the throes of a ‘guilt day”, the thought of that particular occurrence can send me in a downward spiral of culpability. In actuality, chances are pretty good that if my daughter were alive today and I brought up these two happenings from the past she would probably tell me that I was correct in thinking she would have tired quickly of the toy cash register, and that she knows I couldn’t physically have driven her to Girl Scouts with a migraine; that she never blamed me for the collarbone fracture in the first place. But because our child who died cannot give us confirmation that they understood our reasoning and that our actions were ‘okay’ with them, we are left to wonder what they were thinking and feeling regarding the particular situation that makes us feel guilty. Therefore, when we are having a ‘guilt day” our tendency is to blow it out of proportion and thereby imagine the worst. Expressing those feelings of guilt to a trusted friend or family member can be helpful. Talking about your feelings may also help continued on pg 12

I didn’t buy her the so-called “silly” present that she obviously really

wanted.