net book of bard songs 12

8/8/2019 Net Book of Bard Songs 12

http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/net-book-of-bard-songs-12 1/25

NETBOOK OF BARD SONGS

by

Daltrin the CheerfulJeff Gostin

<[email protected]>

Hear Ye Hear Ye!! Hereunder lies the words as told by various bards, compiled by me, DaltrinThe Cheerful. Please, use the words to best thy knowledge, and further thy goals. Beware thebard who uses these as his own (IE: Copyrights apply to original authors.). Other than that, braveminstrel, enjoy, and may your mandolin strings never break!!

PS: If in all the excitement, I have mismarked an author, or made some other grevious error,pleaselet me know! An index will be sent seperately. Both this document, and the index, are going out

onthe same night, so they should be arriving together also. If you dont recieve the index within a

few

days of recieving this document, please let me know, and I'll happily send it out to you!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ballads submitted by Ketil Malde ([email protected])

Gorm the Greedy's ballad(tune should be obvious, 'oh Lord, won't you buy me..')

Oh, Torm, won't you give me a chainmail plus onea battle is coming, my armor is gonewithout some protection, your servant is done,Oh, Torm, won't you give me a chainmail plus one!

Oh, Torm, won't you give me a magical sword,I just got a dagger, that's all I could afford,but grant me a weapon, I'll call you my lord,Oh, Torm, won't you give me a magical sword!

Oh, Torm, won't you give me a powerful ring,or bracelet or necklace, or similar thing,i'll do in all monsters, and _then_ I shall sing:Oh, Torm, won't you give me a powerful ring,

Oh Torm, won't you give me the Crown of Command,or even that infamous Veccna'ses hand,

a Holy Avenger, a staff if you can,Oh Torm, won't you give me the Crown of Command,

Oh, Torm, won't you give me a chainmail plus onea battle is coming, my armor is gonewithout some protection, your servant is done,Oh, Torm, won't you give me a chainmail plus one!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Ballads submitted by Mark Manning ([email protected])

A Little Diddy

Oh once, there was merry,A sweet little lady,Who traveled, and traveled, about and out oh!

Well, she went a court-in,But he was a snort-in,On his whiskey, being frisky, and free-he-he-ho!

So she wouldn't marry,Nor would she tarry,But she left him, berefit him,All - a-a-lone!

And when she was pretty,He became so witty,That she fell, as well, in love-e-oh!

And so they were married,And didn't they tarry?But soon they were more,Who were alive, alive oh!

(Of course to the old song:Cockels and Muscles are alive, alive oh![Or whatever it is called.])

---

Untitled ("I'm Dreaming of a Crystal Ball.")

(To the tune of "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas")

Oh I'm, dreaming of a Crystal Ball.Just like the one I had last fall.When the ogres ca-ame, and smashed my plane,And left, me defenseless and all.....

I'm, dreaming of my Wand of Power.Which shatter with a blow.Oh yes, it exploded, and it was loaded,So I..... took the damage - all....

(Attempts at whistling now heard...)

Oh I'm, dreaming of my old fortress,Where all the orcs were led one day.When the lich attacked me, for pay......And I became his, to this day.......

---

Untitled ("Prayer to a god")



Prayer:"Oh lord, show me the way. Whatshalt I do? Where shalt I go? Tell meoh lord!"

Messenger:

Sunlight can not be captured,Nor moonlight stored away.Hearts which you are after,Have flown far away.

Stray not, nor tarry,Upon the beaten coast.But leave off the merry,And tie thy clothes with rope.

Gold is not your province,Nor Silver counted among thy hoard.Tis souls you should be after,In thy cloths and robes.

Remember that which you carry,Is given unto thee.To neither stray, nor tarry,By such a pounding sea.

Use it as a beacon,A boat to carry you along,Hold it up and be not wary,But be both proud and strong.

That thou are a servant,For thy god, thee must,

Always in your carry,His pride and trust.

---

Untitled ("See the Corpse")(To the tune "Walking in a Winter Wonder Land")

See the corpse - it has risen,Taste the smell - it's so gruesome,To hack out of time, with this silly rhyme,Chopping up a zombie or two.

When were through, we'll collect bones,Then we'll look, to connect bones,We'll make a bridge, out in the fridge,Walking through a graveyard at night.

(Chorus or whatever that little change in the music is.)

We can build a skeleton or two ma'm,All we need is a bone or two.If we take our time we can do two ma'm,



All we need is to chop and to sew.

So you see, it's so easy,Take your time, no need to rush it.Just chop a-way, and hack all day,Walking in a graveyard at midnight.

---

Untitled ("Slaver Bells")(To the tune of "Silver Bells")

Slaver Bells, Slaver Bells,It's whipping time - in the city.(Just hear that...)Whimpering, whimpering,Soon it will be auction day.

See the ladys, all parading,Wearing shackles and chains.

As they hobble along the roadside.

See the men, dear,Standing there dear,Quite a sight to be seen.

And above all the ruckus, you hear...

Slaver bells, hear them yell.It's whipping time - in the city.(Oh hear those...)Slavers sing, the money ring,As they sell off - everyone.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ballads submitted by David Moursund ([email protected])

The Ballad of Sir Osis

His mithril armor burnished bright,One gauntlet black, the other white.His helm alive with brilliant light,His longsword danced with flame.

This hero faced his greatest test;

This battle would complete his quest.The shield he carried bore his crest;Sir Osis was his name.

For courage and for strength he prayed,To Tyr, the god who he obeyed.His trust and faith would give him aid;He would not fight alone.

"For honor, and for Tyr!", he roared,



And leapt to battle for his lord.Opposing that unholy sword,He charged to match his own.

And locked in battle, toe to toe,He stood against his mortal foe,Exchanging blow for deadly blow,A small and savage war.

The damage done by each was vast;He knew his health was failing fast.The next exchange might be the last;He could not stand much more.

And yet he vowed he would not yield.He stood his ground, and raised his shield,To win or die upon this field;The fateful moment neared.

And in his rival, there was doubt.

Afraid that he might lose this bout,The man of evil's nerve gave out;The coward disappeared.

His masquerade of honor gone,With craven guile, this evil spawnDid soon return, to battle on;Most foully did he fight.

But at our hero's side now stoodThe valliant Flaming Fools, who would,United on the side of good,Prove steadfast in their might.

Courageously, they joined the fray,And only Phillip ran away.At last the party won the day,And killed the wicked beast.

Remember well, and heed this tale;The noble hearted will not fail.For in the end, the good prevail,And evil will be greased.

---

The Flight of the Paladins

The sky is the stage, with a storm all around;The audience helplessly waits on the ground.

The dragons above claim the sky as their own,And flame marks the path over which they have flown.

Then up from below comes a thunderous cry;The paladin airborne appears in the sky!



Each knight on his pegasus, lances at hand;To battle they ride, in a glorious stand.

Mere words can't describe the magnificent fight,As dragon and paladin battle this night.

Raw courage and steel against talon and breath,As more than one hero earns honor in death.

The blood of both evil and good falls like rain,But when it is over, no dragons remain.

Perhaps but a dream, or a vision, and yet,Those sharing this vision shall never forget.

---

The Glory of Adventure

When the enemy's surrounding,and we think our nerves will fail,when we hear the trumpets sounding,and they make us quake and quail,grab your mug and we'll be poundingdown another round of ale!

And we'll drink,to the glory of adventure!

If there ever comes the daywhen we think that we are lost,when we think that we must pay

that most dear and final cost,we'll just pass around the tray,and feel better when we're sauced!


When we're angry and upset,'cause we ain't been getting paid,when we're tired, cold and wet,and a little bit afraid,we'll keep drinking and forgetthat we ever were dismayed!


When the boredom makes us jumpy,and the motion makes us ill,when the food is cold and lumpy,a disgusting, slimy swill,there's no reason to be grumpy;tap the keg, and drink your fill!




When the captain's really sore,'cause he thinks he's being mocked,when he's pounding on our door,and we're certain to get socked,have a drink, and tease him more;we'll feel nothing if we're crocked!


---

Untitled ("Be not dismayed")

Be not dismayed by those who mock,And all endeavors noble scorn.

Abandon not thy honor's flock;>From lofty virtue be not torn.

Seek grains of truth in every voice;Be not thou fain to these eschew.But when tumultuous thy choice,To thine own heart, thou must be true.

---

Untitled (From the Mind of Grendl)

Copper's good for making things,

But hardly fit for kings or popes.Silver's good for chains and rings,And also killing lycanthropes.Electrum is a novelty,But seems to lack a certain flair.Platinum shines regally,Nobility beyond compare.Mithril is a magic ore,So bright and difficult to scratch.Gems that sparkle, I adore,And jewelry can have no match.But for a Grendl's happiness,There's one more thing that I require;

One more thing I must possess,To feed the flames of my desire.Gold, I love the gleaming!Gold, of you I'm dreaming!Gold, for you I'm scheming!Gold, for you I'm screaming!I can't be happy 'til I've rolledThrough mounds and mounds of shining gold!Gold gold gold gold gold gold gold!Mine! It's all mine! Ha ha ha ha ha!



---

Untitled ("Grendls' Ballad")

Grendls are a shade of brown,with pretty little wings.They flit around like hummingbirds,investigating things.

Grendls are a friendly sort,and like to gossip, too.But don't make fun of Grendls, or they won't be nice to you.

Grendls are voracious tykes,and eat an awful lot.Although they like most anything,their favorite foods are hot.

Grendls are inquisitive;a quite precocious breed,with burning curiositymatched only by their greed.

Grendls are so sensitive,and cuddly and cute,you really shouldn't yell at themfor pilfering your loot.

Grendls often lust for gems,and jewelry and such.They really can't control themselves,

so don't blame them too much.

Grendls are remarkable;they simply are the best.So if you have one as a friend,then count yourself as blessed.

---

Untitled ("Subtle Lies")

Our subtle lies,Our hidden shame;

A somber pitOf bleak remorse.Can we admitWe are to blame;Could we give riseTo such a force?

We make our choice,We shed our tears;How great our thirst,



How great our goals.The best and worstOf hopes and fears;A nameless voiceWhich drinks our souls.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ballads submitted by Kay Shapero ([email protected])

Untitled ("Open the door")

Open the door, look inside, close the door Open the door, look inside, close the door Open the door, an Orc walks in,His dex factor's 30 and yours is 10...Shut the door and Raise the Dead!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ballads submitted by Mike Shapiro

The Curious Fate of Lord Darhan's Rightmost Eyeball

Lord Darhan, the mightiest knight in the realmHe sang to himself as he put on his helm:"I've got me a sword and I've got me a missionTo fight at the battle of Grissom-On-Grissom."

BA-A-A-A-H! BLAAAH! GO BA-A-ACK! YOU'LL DIE!

He saddled his horse, gave a kiss to his wife(The last time he'd ever do so in his life)

He called for his squire and he travelled all dayHe just couldn't wait to dismember and slay

Long days, long nights he travelled the road coldand endless beneath the grey skyHis sanity unravelled; he murdered his squireand made henchman pie

He finally reached the big scene of the fightWith limbs and intestines arrayed left and rightHe drew forth his horse and leapt onto the saddleSo happy to finally get into battle

However the ghost of his squire was thereMore corp'real than most he grabbed Lord Darhan's hair He said, "Thanks for killing me, now you will die."He took the knight's dagger and put out his eye

Darhan screamed as his eyeball flew out from its socketOh boy was he pissed"Why'd you do that?!" he asked and the ghost said,"I aimed for your groin but I missed."



Lord Darhan decided to fight anywayHe said "Who needs eyes?" and he leapt in the frayHis hubris, alas, was a little misplacedAnd somebody caved in his skull with a mace

His eyeball, however, rolled down to the groundAnd lay there long after no one was aroundIt grew lots of moss and in ime looked quite grossAnd boy would it taste unappealing on toast

---

The Last Dinnertime Argument of Lord Albert and Lady Liza

"Where shall we go out to dinner oh LizaOh where shall we go out to dinner tonight?Hunger's a rabid squirrel chewing my stomachLet's go to McGinty's and grab a quick bite."

"Why must we go out to dinner oh Albert

We certainly won't hit McGinty's tonightHe couldn't cook if you set him on fireI'll bake you my meatloaf and you'll feel all right."

"Truth to tell Liza your meatloaf's disgustingThe thought of consuming it fills me with frightI fed some to Fido and he died of cancer So prithee let's go to McGinty's tonight."

"Better to starve than to eat at McGinty'sThe service is slow and the help impoliteAnd when you're there you're a loudmouthed inebriateYour drunken singing is not a delight."

"Starvation might not do you damage oh LizaSome say that your figure could cause crops to blightEach day this week we've endured your foul cookingWhich tastes like you sauteed a nest of termites."

"Why did I marry this ingrate?" asked Liza"This slovenly foul-mouthed obtuse parasiteLet's see you cook if you're so goddamn hungryYou make us a dinner, you bald troglodyte."

"Surely," said Albert, "why didn't you say so?"He grabbed a big knife and cut Liza to bits

He threw her bloody remains in a cauldronExcept for her eyes which he roasted on spits

"What a remarkable dinner," thought Albert"When my bowels move a divorce they'll incite."Sadly sir Albert fell prey to food poisoningAnd died because he hadn't cooked Liza right

That is the story of Albert and LizaA fun-loving pair who put on a good fight



Now their dead bodies are rotting with maggotsPlease think of them when you eat dinner tonight

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ballads submitted by Ryk E Spoor ([email protected])

RING THEIR BELLS(aka "The Munchkin's Theme" )(to the tune of "Jingle Bells")

Slashing through the OrcsWith a good two-handed bladeOver corpses we goAnd through the gore we wadeMace on helmet ringsMaking bodies flyWhat fun to sing our Slaying SongAnd watch these suckers DIE!

(chorus)

Oh, ring their bells with swords and spellsDon't let 'em get away!We're brave and bold for fame and goldWe'll make a lot today!Oh, ring their bells with swords and spellsDon't let 'em get away!We'll hack and slash and blast and trashAnd blow these dudes away!

Crashing through the door Into the Dragon's nose

Our mage whips out a Cone of ColdAnd out his fire goes!Elven bowstrings singMaking Balrogs fallAnd our theif finds a secret door Into the treasure hall!

(chorus)

Then appears the LichWith his demon guardOur wizard yawns and wishesWe'd run into something hard.

He begins to castHis 19th level spellThe damn lich throws a Gate at usAnd drops us all in Hell!

(chorus)

We appear in HellIn front of Satan's throneOur Cleric waves us out the door



And takes him on alone!Satan's legions don'tWant to let us goOur Techno pulls a bazooka outAnd NUKES 'em 'till they GLOW!

Oh, ring their bells with Prayers and SpellsDon't let 'em get away!We're brave and bold and CRAZED, we're toldTo think we'll live the day!Oh, ring their bells with swords and SHELLSDon't let 'em get away!We'll hack and slash and blast and trashAnd drag our loot away!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ballads submitted by M. Turner ([email protected])

Untitled (Irish Ditty)

I was a brigand on the roadfor reasons I'll not mention.I had to give it up, you seeI couldn't stand the tension.

I was fated ill by wayof stars in their conjunction.The more I stole the more I lostMy way of body function.

REFRAINA digit here, and a digit there

More lost with each endeavour.All links I had with a brigandslife were impolitely severed.

There was a priestly man,all dressed in silk and splendour.I thought he'd be an easy pursewith arms so long and slender.

Imagine my discomfitureAt losing ear and earingIt seems the man had taughtFor years, the mastery of fencing.

[REFRAIN]

Then there was a caravanfilled with gold and spice.The heathen sheik had many guardswho caught me in a thrice.

Thought the did implore of metheir laws to understand.



They did with great alacrityrelieve me of my hand.

[REFRAIN]

Then there was a milky maidjust one thing did she cherish.When I held her in my arms,I very nearly perished.

How could such a heavy bladebe kept upon a lass.She almost got the family jewels,instead she got my dignity.

[REFRAIN]

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ballads submitted by Mike Whitaker/Rhodri James

Monty Who?

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the umpteeth level lord.He can stand alone against a screaming demon hordeHe has 300 hit points and a +10 vorpal swordAs he goes marching on. (shouted in thick yobbish thug voice) Welly!!!!!!!

Glory glory trash the party... x3As they go marching on.

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the umpteenth level priestIf you're evil and he turns you then you're instantly deceasedHis wisdom's 27, it's been magically increased

As he goes marching on(ward Christian)

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the umpteenth level mageHis spells are so high level that their casting takes an ageHe has a book of scrolls that's got a wish on every pageAs he goes marching on (spoken in crabby old mage voice) Drop Dead!

I cannot see the glory of the umpteenth level thief He can hide in shadows and then cause you lots of grief His backstab multiplier is just way beyond belief As he goes sneaking on (whispered) Silently, naturally.

Mine eyes have see the grory of the frower power monk

He's no ase for armour, magic weapons or such junkAnd he's immune to poison so he never end up drunkAs he goes marching on (Bow in monkish manner) So!

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the umpteenth level bardHe's both thief and fighter and he thinks he's really hardHe plays the Hammond organ and the electric guitar As he goes filking on (two three four)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Ballads submitted by UNKNOWN (unknown-- if this is yours, please letme know)

Untitled (A Bard's Farewell)

You soon will be out facing danger and strife,You soon will be fighting and risking your life.I know there is use for my saber and knife;Alas, I will not be along.

We all have my limits, and I'm nearing mine;And so, with your pardon, I'll have to decline,For I've an appointment with women and wine,And gaming and music and song.

It's been far too long since I've gambled and drank,Too long in that dungeon, disgusting and dank,Too long amidst refuse, repulsive and rank,Too long without love and romance.

Before I embark on some hazardous quest,Before once again I am put to the test,If I don't take time to recover and rest,My sanity hasn't a chance.

It's not that your company isn't a thrill,I'm truly impressed with your courage and skill,And happy to journey beside you; but still,I need to be free for a time.

When we meet again, we'll have stories to share,So 'Vaya Con Dios'; good luck, and take care.

May travel be pleasant, and fortune be fair,And may you find meter and rhyme.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@N E T . B A R D S O N G . B O O K , V O L U M E 2

Hear Ye Hear Ye!! For 10 months, I scoured the country side, from Telven'sPort to Zardhold, searching for Bards worthy of thy time and thy goodgrace. After countless mugs of Ale, listening to the dull blabbering of

many an amateur bard, I have managed to secure the words of but another group of expert troubadors! Hereunder lies their words for thy listeningpleasure. As always, lords and ladies, beware the bard who uses these wordsas his own (IE: Copyrights retained by original authors.). Beyond struggleand strife, and above all else, enjoy these words, and may thy lute never sound a bad note!

Daltrin The CheerfulAlias, Jeff Gostin



([email protected])

PS: If in all the excitement, I have mismarked an author, or made someother grevious error, please let me know! An index will be sentseperately. Both this document, and the index, are going out on thesame night, so they should be arriving together also. If you dontrecieve the index within a few days of recieving this document,please let me know, and I'll happily send it out to you!

------------------------------------------------------------------------Ballads submitted by Morgan 54871 ([email protected])

The Ballad of Cannon Fodder Lot

Attend the tale of a mighty soulHow bold and bravely he has foughtWhile standing tall against the foeHis name is Cannon Fodder Lot

An Orcish army he did confront

His fierce countenance held naught at bayOf the attack he bore the bruntA thousand arrows pierced him that day

Healed again and begun anewHoly Avenger he did boastAn evil mage he did pursueA fireball turned him into toast

CHORUSHow bold, how brave, how trueOh Cannon Fodder LotThough paladin are you

A fighter you are not

Bedecked in armour brightly shiningShield and halm with dragon's crestA silken cloak with purple liningAnd healing potions strapped to his chest

Once black dragon plagued the landA dreadful evil to be killedLot stepped forth holding sword in handHis smoking armour's melting still

A troll! He thought he could outwit

Sure a deed which all would laudA friendly mage helped just a bitAnd turned him into a lightening rod

CHORUS

With heartfelt determinationAnd fighting skills dutifully honedHe fought the beholder with elationWho promptly turned him into stone



Though his name is Cannon Fodder LotAnd still his fate seems to be setWhen he is down and is upsotYou'll hear him shout: "I'm not dead yet!"

CHORUS

------------------------------------------------------------------------Ballads submitted by Ian Brown ([email protected])

The Knight from Days of Old

Chords (4/4 time, each chord is 1 measure)------Verse Am G D Em (twice)Chorus Bm C Bm EmInterlude G D Em D (twice)

Song

---Prelude (Verse + Chorus + Interlude)

Verse (1) Am GLast night he rode out of the stormD Em

A knight seeking shelter from the coldAm G D Em

His armor a suit of mail, his sword of legends told

Chorus (1) Bm C Bm EmA Knight from Days of Old, a hero, brave and bold

Verse (2) Am G D EmWe asked him to share his tale, the story of his life

Am G D EmHis eyes grew cold and pale as he told of war and strife

Chorus (2) Bm C Bm EmThis Knight from Days of Old, the hero, brave and bold

Bridge (Verse + Chorus)

Verse (3) Am G D EmThose days with Elves, so fair, and Dwarves in caves of stoneAm G D Em

Dragons of Fire in the air, and Evil on its throne

Chorus (1)

Verse (4) Am G D EmDarkness swept across the land, Dwarves and Elves disappeared

Am G D Em'Til only by a single man was the light still revered

Chorus (4) Bm C Bm Em



The Knight from Days of Old, once a hero, brave and bold

Interlude

Verse (5) Am GThrough the night his voice spokeD EmEvoking visions of war and pain

Am G D EmHe told how he finally failed, to the backdrop of the rain

Chorus (4)Verse (1)Chorus (1)Ending (Verse + Chorus + Verse [twice])

------------------------------------------------------------------------Ballads submitted by Rob Falk ([email protected])

Dragon Road

It was on the first of August, out of Amberwayhalf a dozen horses and a wagon load of hay.There had been a party, hangovers galoreour clerics were unconscious and our fighters saddle sore

Refrain

There were dragons, dragons flying o'er the roadwyverns all around us and behind us yellow mold,and there were orcs, orcs filling all the woodsthey all jumped upon us because we were lawful good

We were not discouraged, we were set to fightbut we had drunk two gallons of the finest wine last night.Our ranger was disheveled, Sir Percy was the same,and the elf who traveled with us was too drunk to know his name.

Refrain

The dragons got the horses, the orcs got even more,and munching on our wagons was an ugly manticore.We finally woke our wizard, he would make them pay,but he really pulled a boner when he mumbled spells that day.

Refrain

His fireball misfired, his lightning missed its mark,and then the party found itself encased in total dark.He tried to polymorph them - that dirty, ancient louse,we didn't think it funny when Sir Kay became a mouse.

Refrain

Our fighters bravely battled out, but it was all for naughtfor we had not the measure of the monsters that we fought.



twas our bard that finally saved us, for he could do no wrong.He really had them running when he belted out this song.

Refrain

------------------------------------------------------------------------Ballads submitted by Greg Henderson ([email protected])

Untitled (Ode to Cthulu)

(Sung to the theme of "Tiny Toon Adventures")

We're slimey, we're squishy, we're all a little fishy,and in this adventure we'll be feasting on your brains.We're abysmal creatures, with gross horrific features.In C'thuloid adventures, lose alot of sanity.So here's Miskatonic U. where all the creatures dwell,take a look at a mythos book and find yourself in hell.Your guns aren't defective, they just aren't real effective.Our feast of human flesh and souls is about to start.

Your magic, and voodo will not stop Great C'thulhu.Don't eat with the Tchoo Tchoo, and the Migo steal your brain!Here's Narly, Tsathoggua, over there's Cthugha,don't forget Ithaqua, and Hastur hates his name.So here's sunken R'lyeh where the angles are all wrong.You'll lose your soul, and go insane if you stay there too long.We're slimey, we're squishy, we're all a little fishy,Our feast of human flesh and souls is about to start.And now we'll eat your heart.----

Untitled (Another Ode to Cthulu)

(Sung to the Theme of "The Beverly Hillbillies")

Well, let me tell you a little story 'bout a migo named 'Fred'.A poor mountain miner, barely kept his fungi fed.And then one day when he was scooping out a brain...Along came an ooze that popped right out of the drain.Shoggoth that is, Elder Thing goo, R'lyeh tea.Well next thing you know 'ole fred got swallowed whole,the other migo turned and said "That thing just got fred's soul!"They all pulled out their shiny guns and aimed it at the slime..But the shoggoth ate them one and all in record setting time..Four point three seconds....

------------------------------------------------------------------------Ballads submitted by Dave Lemkuil ([email protected])

The Archer

The young man liked to playwith arrows and his bow.The barn wall was his aim;and no one else would know.One day the King rode by,



his army at his side;on the way to war again;his fame was far and wide.

He stopped his column by the barn,and looked upon the wall.The King was most impressed by the wonder of it all.The boy was quickly sent for,to meet the mighty King.By why, Your Majesty,to me this honor bring?

I marvel at your barn;the wall is nearly full.All those arrows spent;and every one a bull!You must practice long and hard,with aim as sure as this.I need you in my Army;you must never miss!

You are such a marksman,though still so young a boy;help me teach my archersthe method you employ.The method's really easy,simple and very sound.I shoot my arrows into the wall;and draw the circles around.

------------------------------------------------------------------------Ballads submitted by Robert W. Miracle ([email protected])

The Ballad of Farmer Brad(to the tune of "The Ballad of Davey Crockett")

Born on a hill top in WaterdaleGreatest corn man we'ed ever seenRaised in the fields so he new every stalkHe was eaten by a dragon when he weeded in the dark.

Farmer, Farmer BradKing of the Corn Wiskey

He made a pack with the great AbyssBrad's corn wiskey was their only wish

so they made him this magic hoeSo he could grow mo' and mo'

Farmer, Farmer BradGrowing for Beezalbub

------------------------------------------------------------------------Ballads submitted by Jesse Mundis ([email protected])

Elfin Wizard



(Sung to the tune of "Pinball Wizard")

Ever since I heard of magic,I've felt the forces call,>From Breacon down to Krydain,I must have used 'em all,But I ain't seen nothing like him,In the guildrooms or the halls,That quick, nimble, cute Elf Sure casts a mean fire ball!

He stands like a statue,In the presense of the Queen,He's polished up his sword,To a bright, metallic, sheen.Spells at the ready,He hears the force's call,That quick, nimble, cute Elf Sure casts a mean fire ball!

He's an Elfin wizard,He just cast "Self to Mist"An Elfin wizard'sGot such a mental twist.

How do you think he does it?I don't know!What makes him so good?

Ain't got no distractionsImmune to other's spellsBolts of lightning flashin'Transports his foes to hell

Summons nasty demons,Standing eight feet tallThat quick, nimble, cute Elf Sure casts a mean fire ball!

I thought I wasThe wizard battle king,But I just handedMy Magi Staff to him.

Even with my favorite demon,He can beat my best.His familiar leads him in,

And he just does the rest.He's got crazy words of power Never seen him fall...That quick, nimble, cute Elf Sure casts a mean fire ball!

------------------------------------------------------------------------Ballads submitted by Mike Phillips ([email protected])

The Ride of Corryn the King



Dark the water and dark the sky,Storming clouds were drawing nigh,Dark the forest, murky, dead, dry.'Twas dark the day and dark the wayWhen King Corryn rode to die.

His queen and children lay enshrinedWeighing heavily upon his mind,Revenge had rendered him blind:For his young wife was slain by knife,His sons killed in kind.

His family slaughtered whilst they sleepGathered by One Who Grimly Reaps.He paused not to tarry and weep.He grabbed the maps on parchment scrapsAnd rode for the bandit's keep.

They rode as one, the Man and Steed,

The wind picked up, they paid no heed,They stopped not to eat their feed.The wind did blow, on did they go,Possessed by a terrible need.

"Vengeance!" cried his thoughts at him.Harried by this foolish whim,The clouds roiling, the light dim;On they rode though ill did bodeThe environs harsh and grim.

He sighted brigands across the moor.He counted them; they numbered four.

He spurred his horse, and with a roar,He rode in haste across the wasteAnd slew them by the open door.

The castle's gate stood open wide.He entered with a jaunty stride,Yelling at those cow'ring inside,"Now, I shall search both Keep and Church'Till I have flayed your hides!"

He rode through the open gate,His sword drawn and filled with hate.He cut them down at a tremendous rate.

As he slew each man thoughts of Loranne,His wife, spurred him to his fate.

He reined in before the Hall.Silence reigned, an awful pall.For there stood an impassable wallOf Man and Sword; with them he warr'd,And he slew them and watched them fall.

Through the arch he strode so fast,



Meeting the fight that was his last.The Hall was giant-tall, o'erly vast.Foe on the throne, Corryn's sword honed,So that the duel would soon be past.

His foe upon the dais stood.Corryn said, as he should,"Your debts shall be paid in blood.For we shall fight until by mightOne has beaten the other for good."

Thus the bandit's actions wrought.More than an hour they both fought;An opening, in vain, each sought'Till with a flick Corryn was nick'dThough the scratch seemed for naught.

The bandit delivered a tirade:"Ha ha, King Corryn, for my bladeWas coated with venom witch-made."

Corryn did fight with all his mightUntil his life began to fade.

For the sake of revenge he must,Within his dying thrust,Place with the gods his trust.Corryn's brand flew and it hit true;The bandit fell into the dust.

Through his faith victory was gain'd,Yet still poison coursed within his vein,Frayed was his hold on life's rein.A fire inside, King Corryn died,

Gazing on venom'd blade, his bane.

Thus as decreed by Fate's loom,The Hall became his cairn, his tomb,Here he fought, this very room,Arms all a'clash, he fought so rashIn the fight that was his doom.

Dark the water and dark the sky,Storming clouds were drawing nigh,Dark the forest, murky, dead, dry.'Twas dark the day and dark the wayWhen King Corryn rode to die.

------------------------------------------------------------------------Ballads submitted by Kay Shapero ([email protected])

From Under the Bed(Sung to the tune of "Cecilia")

CHORUS: Cthulhu, you're breaking my mind.My sanity's vanishing daily!Oh, Cthulhu, I'm down on my knees



I'm begging you, please -- go away,Go away!

I picked up this ancient bookBy some guy named Abdul Al-Haz'red (Al-Haz'red)Read two chapters; now it seemsYou're disturbing my days and you're haunting my dreams.

CHORUS

Half-awake in the early mornWith my lover sleeping by my side (by my side)When I feel a nameless dreadAnd I turn on the light, I find you in my bed!

CHORUS

Hiding out in the afternoonIn a room at Miskatonic U (hiding out)Elder Signs from ceiling to floor,

And there's star-stones to block off the windows and door.

Consternation! He's found me again,I crawl in the closet and shiver.Consternation! He's found me again,I crawl in the closet and shiver.....

* With the author's apologies to Simon, Garfunkel, and H.P. Love-craft...

-----WHO LU?

(Sung to the tune of "Camptown Races")

Who's the Elder Ghod we fear?Cthulhu, Cthulhu!Who sleeps on from year to year?Cthulhu is his name.Going to pray all nightGoing to chant all day'Til he rises from the ocean floor Then we will run away!

------------------------------------------------------------------------Ballads submitted by P. K. Whitehurst ([email protected])

Home

When this adventure is over,I can sleep until noon.When I'm safe on the boat and have sailed far away,I will sit down and write me a tune.When I've fixed the armor and mended my bootsThere just might money for beer.If I want to live to a spry, ripe, old age,I won't ever leave there.



Now the adventure is over,I could sleep until noon.While the boat's in the harbor and everyone's safe,I should sit down and try a new tune.My sword has been sharpened. My wardrobe is clean.Why does the beer taste so stale?If I acted out all the thoughts in my head,I would end up in jail.

Now the adventure is over,Things are boring and dull.The boat is too small and the stars are too far.I look at the sky and still feel their pull.I need to travel, to see a new place.It must be bred in my bone.I can't live somewhere for more than a week.I'll call Empyrea home.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ballads submitted by Fraser Wilson ([email protected])

Untitled (Ballad of Sir Rufus)

A small brave band of armoured knightsWere riding on a lonely moor Looking for glory, beer and fightsWhen all at once they spied a door.

Said Sir Rufus, climbing down,"This door seems strange to me.It's by itself upon the ground -I'll open it and see!"

He opened it and had a lookBut life he had no more.Randolph said "He looks quite crook!"For this is what he saw:

Some flesh was boiling red and greenThe head was nowhere to be seenGoo was pouring from his arseThere was nothing where his arms had been.

His shirt was painted rich blood-redTo hungry rats his guts were fed

His heart was beating on the grassIn short, the bloke was dead.------------------------------------------------------------------------

@

INDEX OF BALLADS



Hereunder lies the Index of Ballads, to be used in conjunction with those ballads included inVolume One of the Net.BardSongs.Book as compiled by Daltrin the Cheerful(AKA: Jeff Gostin, [email protected]).

Ketil Malde ([email protected])Gorm the Greedy's ballad

Mark Manning ([email protected])A Little DittyUntitled ("I'm Dreaming of a Crystal Ball")Untitled ("Prayer to a god")Untitled ("See the Corpse")Untitled ("Slaver Bells")

David Moursund ([email protected])The Ballad of Sir OsisThe Flight of the PaladinsThe Glory of Adventure(Untitled-- "Be not dismayed")(Untitled-- "From the mind of Grendl")

(Untitled-- "Grendls' Ballad")(Untitled-- "Subtle Lies")

Kay Shapero ([email protected])Untitled ("Open the door")

Mike ShapiroThe Curious Fate of Lord Darhan's Rightmost Eyeball.The Last Dinnertime Argument of Lord Albert and Lady Liza

Ryk E Spoor ([email protected])Ring Their Bells (aka "The Munchkin's Theme" )

M. Turner ([email protected])Untitled ("An Irish Ditty")

Mike Whitaker/Rhodri JamesMonty Who?

Unknown (Unknown)Untitled ("A Bard's Farewell")

net book of bard songs 12

Documents