my life as a boy

8/12/2019 My Life as a Boy

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My Life as a Boy

From the above title please do not think I am trans gender, transsexual or trans anything. I was born

a male and always will be. I love the freedom of being able to pee standing up.

When I was eleven years old I was luky enough to meet a man who treated me with great kindness

and affetion. I was out riding my bike one day when I saw him working on the old house he and

his wife !ust purhased. "he house was loated far enough from my parents plae where I lived as

to not be onsidered a neighbor. I had seen the man before beause my dad owned a small business

that brought people to our house. "he fat that I lived in a very small town in rural #ew $ngland

also made it easy to know the man%s name. If you have never lived or visited a town like I !ust

desribed you may not understand how fast word of mouth an spread information.

&s I rode my bike down his driveway he looked up and seemed to reogni'e me. When I got lose

enough he asked me what I was doing so far from home. I guess when your (old( three or four

miles on a bike is a long way to travel. My bike was my tiket to the wider world. I loved being on

the road. "he freedom that went along with a banana seat, two wheels and a sissy bar was likeheaven to me. I told him I was hot and thirsty and was wondering if I ould get a drink of water. )e

got down off his ladder and said he needed a break anyway so why not. )e had a ooler on the bak

of his pikup truk and went and got us eah an ie old drink.

)e sat on the tailgate of his truk and I sat on my bike. We hatted about the nie weather and about

the house he was working on. It was a typial old farmhouse in need of muh repair. &fter I finished

my drink I !ust sat listening and talking with him. It was strange to me that he seemed to are about

and listen to what I was saying. I felt awkward beause I knew I had no real reason for being there

yet I didn%t want to leave either. )e may have seen that I was unomfortable beause his next

*uestion was (would you mind giving me a hand before you leave(+

I was !ust thrilled that he wanted my help. I !umped off my bike and said, (ure what do you need

me to do+(

)e said he was putting up an eve board and needed me to hold one end while he got it nailed into

plae. I helped him for an hour or so then told him I had to get home for lunh.

"he ride home was inredible. #ever had my bike peddled so easily or gone so fast. I had no idea

why I felt the way I did, I !ust knew it was a great day. I kept thinking about how he listened when I

talked and he asked me for help. I felt useful and important. I wasn%t !ust the kid up the street or so

and so%s little brother. I was a helper, I ould do things that where useful to a man. eldom sine

have I had suh a feeling. Maybe it is beause for the first time I felt someone needed me. What I

do know is I hanged that day. #o longer was I !ust a kid, I grew up and I knew it. Life for me was

not going to be the same- I had turned a orner and was more alive beause of it.

From here on, out of respet and for protetion, I will refer to my friend as ames. For obvious


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reasons I an%t use his real name.

I waited a few days, and then rode my bike bak to his end of town. With only one road through

town there was the north end of town and the south end. I lived in the north, ames in the south. I

was really disappointed when he wasn%t outside. I had looked forward to helping him again and !ust

thought he would be there building away. )is truk was in the driveway but I ouldn%t see him. It

took me a few minutes but after a while I got up the nerve to go knok on the door. When he opened

the door he looked almost as happy as I felt. &ny fear or apprehension left my mind and bodywithout any haste. )e grinned at me and asked if I needed another drink of water. I felt a little

stupid then beause I hadn%t thought of a reason to be there. )e had no way of knowing that being

there made me happy. #othing else was said as to why I was there, he !ust invited me in.

I knew from onversations he had had with my dad that he worked nights at the paper mill nearby.

When he told me he had finished working on the house for the day my heart sank. &ll I wanted to

do was hang out with him and help him repair something. From my first visit I knew he had a lot of

knowledge about fixing things. "hat day was not going to be like the first day and I%m sure my

sadness showed through. )e told me he had to leave soon but that I ould rest there until he left for

work. I sat at the kithen table wathing him make his lunh pail up for the night shift. "rying to

make onversation I asked him where his wife was and he told me she had a !ob too and was goneeveryday. I told him I thought it was strange that a man would have to make his own lunh. My

mother always put up my dad%s lunh. )e smiled but didn%t seem offended by what I had said.

If I thought my life had taken a turn three days ago it was about to make an about fae. ames told

me he had started working on the bathroom and that he had no water in there so he was going to

shave at the table. &s he got a small basin of hot water ready along with the old fashioned lather

brush and ra'or I started panting like a dog. I hid it the best I ould but for some reason I was really

exited about wathing him shave.

&t this point I must tell you about the (dirty maga'ines( as my mother alled them. My grandfather

had given some old issues to my dad and I found them hidden under my parent%s mattress one day.

&fter sneaking a few looks at them I reali'ed I liked the ones that had pitures of men in them."here weren%t many and it was always the girl parts that the photos were foused on, but there were

one or two that showed men with eretions. "he pitures were up lose and personal , and I liked

them.

&s I wathed ames lather up his fae and get the ra'or ready /they were sary in those days0. I

started thinking what he would look like if he was in the dirty piture book. I tried not to think

about it, but, as he stroked the shave ream off his fae my fantasies !ust took over. I was staring at

him in utter fasination. I had never wathed a man shave like that before and ertainly never

thought about what he would look like naked in a piture. I was too young to e!aulate but I%m

pretty sure I ame in my pants so to speak. My mind was going plaes it had never been before.

1n the ride home I was really mad at myself. ames had done nothing but be nie to me and Iwanted to do bad things with him. It didn%t seem fair. If he ever found out what I was thinking he

would hate me. I didn%t know muh about the whole sex thing but being the youngest of six hildren

I had heard enough to know I was (one sik fuking hild.( With what I knew about adults at that

time I was onvined ames already knew what I was thinking. )e knew my little penis got rok

hard and that I had that funny tikle down there that happens when you and a friend monkey around

in the tree house. I felt I ould never go bak to ames% house again and I had ruined everything. I

was going to hell and I knew it.

When I was wathing him shave and having the thoughts it didn%t seem bad. I didn%t want to hurt

ames. &s a matter of fat, while my mind was seeing naked pitures of him I felt it would be like

loving him only different. What I also didn%t understand was, if he knew what I was thinking, whydid he say it was nie seeing me again+ Why did he tell me he ould use a hand the next day

holding the opper pipe in position while he soldered it+


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"he next day my Mum was (going into town(. &t that point in time going into town was a big deal.

It meant getting on your shool lothes, washing your fae and ombing your hair 22 not the most

important things to an eleven year old. I also had other plans. "hings were different now. I was

grown up and someone wanted my help. I don%t know why my parents hadn%t seen the hanges that

had taken plae in their little boy, and I wasn%t about to tell them.

I told my mother I was planning to go play baseball with hirley. hirley was the town tom boy, she

was tough, and ould spit better than any of the rest of the gang. &s parents do, mother had to throwa monkey wrenh into my plans. "his inluded taking the trash to the dump. In those days you !ust

piked a orner of your 34 are farm and used it as a dump. "here was no urbside pikup or

reyling. I also had to get the lawn mowed. "here was a small amount of whining but I didn%t want

her to say I had to go to town so I raed through my hores. Mum left before I finished the lawn. I

knew I was going to be in trouble and have to re2mow the grass. 5ou an%t run with the lawnmower

and think you%re going to get a good !ob done.

#eedless to say I didn%t stop at the ball diamond. I rode as fast and hard as I ould to ames% house.

&ny thoughts about how evil I must be disappeared overnight, and I was only a little onerned

about him knowing what I had been thinking the day before. ust as I got to the driveway a ar was

pulling out. "his nie lady stopped and told me she was ames% wife and that I must be (LittleBilly(. /"o this day I hate family nik names0. I said I was and she thanked me for being suh a big

help to her and her husband.

"he driveway seemed ten miles long that day. Meeting ames% wife bought bak a flood of

yesterday%s feelings. What was I going to do+ )ow ould I tell him I didn%t mean to have those bad

thoughts. "hey !ust happened+ By the time I got done suffing my feet and dawdling around ames

was already at the door waiting for me. I hung my head and walked to the door. )e greeted me as if

things were !ust great, and there was no solding me for thinking bad things. I was sure he was !ust

waiting for the right time to yell at me and tell me he hated me and to never ome near his house

again. "he longer I waited the worse it got. "he strange thing is he never did yell at me.

Finally he took hold of my shoulders, s*uat down so he ould look me in the eye, and asked whatwas wrong with me. "o this day I don%t know how I kept from bursting into tears beause that was

all I wanted to do. 6ry and run. I told him I was a bad kid and if he knew what I was really like he

would hate me. &t that point the smile went from his fae and that serious adult look that I had seen

a hundred times but still didn%t understand replaed it. ames took me to the kithen table and we sat

down. )e told me that he didn%t think I was old enough to be really bad and that he ouldn%t think of

any reason that would ever make him hate me. It took a long time but I was able to tell him about

my thoughts and that I wanted to touh him. I%m not sure where the (I want to touh you( part ame

from but I said it and I ouldn%t take it bak.

&ll he said was (that is serious stuff and I%ll have to think about it(. )e got me a snak and went

bak to work. I sat at the table thinking that the world didn%t ome rashing down and he didn%t yellat me.

1ver the next two weeks ames and I only got to see eah other a few times. )e had to work a shut

down at the mill and I had family stuff to do. )is not freaking out did make me more brave. $very

time we did get to see eah other I would ask him if he had thought about it. )is response was

always the same ("hat%s serious stuff I need to think about it(.

My being the kid I was, my omebak was (It%s !ust for fun, it%s no big deal or anything(. 7eep in

my heart though I was a little hurt that he didn%t feel the same way. 1ne I said it out loud the fear

went away for me and was replaed by desire.

"he big day ame not unlike any of the other times I would peddle my skinny little ass to his plae.

We were working under the house on some plumbing stuff. ames was laying on his bak workingand I was holding the flashlight. &t one point he had to spread his legs to get leverage on a piee of

pipe he was trying to move. I !ust reahed out and put my hand on his roth. )e stopped for a


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these were the times ames would rub me all over or have me lay on him. 8issing his nek and

having my little hard penis pushing against his belly would make me sweat.

It was the end of that summer that I learned what real heartahe felt like. ex was never the

dominating fator in my relationship with ames. I wanted to fool around a lot more than he did but

I !ust liked being with him. )e knew so muh about onstrution and getting things to work that it

was like being at shool all the time exept it was fun. Like any kid who hears his dad tell the same

!oke all the time I got tired of hearing (plumbings easy boy, !ust remember shit flows down hill(.What I really didn%t want to hear was the day ames told me we ouldn%t do the sex thing anymore. I

don%t reall his exat words but something to the effet (this !ust isn%t right or this isn%t normal(. I

was rushed. It /our friendship0 seemed so normal and great to me that I didn%t understand why he

felt that way. My suffering didn%t ome from the hands of an abuser, my suffer ame from the words

of a man who feared for my wellbeing. I kept telling him I was okay with things and nothing

needed to hange. 6hange did ome and even my begging wouldn%t get him to monkey around with

me. It happened one or twie after the big talk but it was never the same.

I grew up and moved away from my small #ew $ngland town. I had boyfriends and girlfriends,

long term relationships and short term flings. I had fun !obs, bad !obs and high paying !obs. &t the

age of thirty I married a wonderful woman and a few years later had an even more wonderful son.We moved bak to my hometown and I built a house with my own hands. 7uring that period I

thought many times about all the things ames taught me 22 like (7o it right the first time( or

(9emember that shit flows down hill,( or (:lumbing suks but it isn%t hard.( )e was right about a

lot of things.

"here are ten thousand therapist out there who would still say I was a vitim at the hands of an

abuser. I was not. I have every reason in the world to give in to what I have been told, and put all

my problems on ames, But ames was not the problem; I was there. I know what happened, and I

know how I felt. Maybe I%m the only boy in the world that had a loving aring relationship with an

adult man but I doubt it. "his is a true story, and all I%m asking is for you to reali'e that you are

being fed a bunh of rap when you are told intergenerational relationships are always bad. "heyare not always bad and I am living proof.

ames is still married, has grown hildren and even grandhildren. I see him oasionally even

though he has sine sold the old farmhouse and moved to a nearby town. &gain rural #ew $ngland

life. We have only talked about our two summers together one as adults. I was going through some

hardships a few years ago and wanted him to understand I in no way blamed him. )e had given me

something that no one an ever take away and I wanted him to know that.

my life as a boy

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