murder at the pie auction script sample

7/17/2019 Murder at the Pie Auction Script Sample

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By Michael Druce

© Copyright 2015, by Michael Druce

Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every

performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should

be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155.

All rights to this play—including but not limited to amateur, professional, public reading

and translation into foreign languages—are controlled by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.,

without whose permission no performance, reading or presentation of any kind in whole

or in part may be given.

All other rights in this play, including radio broadcasting, television and motion picture

rights, are controlled by MICHAEL DRUCE to whom all inquiries should be addressed c/o

Pioneer Drama Service, Inc. PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155-4267.

These rights are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of Americaand of all countries covered by the Universal Copyright Convention or with which the

United States has reciprocal copyright relations, including Canada, Mexico, Australia

and all nations of the United Kingdom.

ONE SCRIPT PER CAST MEMBER MUST BE PURCHASED FOR PRODUCTION RIGHTS.

COPYING OR DISTRIBUTING ALL OR ANY PART OF THIS BOOK

WITHOUT PERMISSION IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW.

On all programs, printing and advertising, the following information must appear:

1. The full name of the play

2. The full name of the playwright

3. The following notice: “Produced by special arrangement with

Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Denver, Colorado”



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RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFO RE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT

MURDER AT THE PIE AUCTION

By MICHAEL DRUCE

CAST OF CHARACTERS

(In Order of Appearance)# of lines

PHOEBE MUFFET.................editor of the local newspaper 50

MINARET TOWERS ..............Phoebe’s best friend 45

FELICITY HUBBARD .............pie contest coordinator, all 106

business

MARK TUCKER ....................Felicity’s high-strung assistant 78

REX ROBERTS .....................actor 98

JULIA LYLE ..........................pie-baking legend 69

EVE SIMONE .......................contest’s youngest baker, eager 52

to take Julia’s place

ROGER MARBLE ..................handsome, stylish, and formerly 43

in love with Eve

GUY TEMPLETON ................pie connoisseur and judge 37

BIDDER ONE .......................actor planted in the audience to 2

buy the key lime pie

BIDDER TWO ......................actor planted in the audience to 12

buy the fried pie

SERVER ..............................pie-server 1

EUNICE HAMMOND .............was going to be the local contest 1

entrant until she was poisoned

SETTING

Time: The present

Location: The Mynute Senior Center in Mynute, Alaska

SYNOPSIS OF SCENES

Scene One: The morning before the pie-baking contest and auction

Scene Two: The morning of the contest

Scene Three: That evening, a few minutes before the judging and

auction begin

Scene Four: A few minutes later

SET DESCRIPTION

The dining room of the Mynute Senior Center has been turned into a

set for a cooking show. LEFT is the main entrance to the senior center

and RIGHT goes to the kitchen. A counter has been set UP CENTER.

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MURDER AT THE PIE AUCTION

Scene One

AT RISE: The morning before the pie-baking contest and auction.

PHOEBE and MINARET organize the set as they chat.

PHOEBE: This is so exciting, some of the biggest names in pie

making right here in our little town! Finally, we have an event worth

a banner headline.

MINARET: Who knows, the Weekly might even be a complete sellout

this week!

PHOEBE: And if we had a little bit of scandal to go along with it, the

Weekly might even make the national news. I could be up for a

press club award.

MINARET: Who would have thought, Mynute, Alaska, for one weekend

only, the center of the pie-baking universe—Mother Mabel’s Pie-

Baking Contest and Auction.

PHOEBE: When I got up this morning, I was so giddy thinking about

tomorrow, I almost swallowed my partial.

MINARET: Imagine, me, personal liaison to Mother Mabel’s second

in charge, Felicity Hubbard.

PHOEBE: And quite the envy of everyone, I might add. Meeting the

legendary Julia Lyle almost took my breath away.

MINARET: She is quite the prima donna.

PHOEBE: Oh, by the way, here’s an interesting tidbit I just found out.

I’ve been doing some research. Did you know that Julia Lyle and

Betty Botter went to high school together?

MINARET: (With considerable disinterest.) Really?

PHOEBE: It’s such a small world. And to think, Julia Lyle thought she

knew you. Now what made her think that?MINARET: Posh! You know how it is, you see one fan, you’ve seen

them all. She probably has me confused with someone else.

PHOEBE: When she wasn’t looking, I had a little taste of her famous

very cherry cherry pie. It was beyond words. No wonder she’s

treated like royalty.

MINARET: (Under her breath.) Always has been.

PHOEBE: Did you say she’s a has-been?

MINARET: I didn’t say that. I was agreeing with you that she’s royalty.PHOEBE: It’s like having the queen of England here, only with

personality. And let’s not forget Roger Marble. He’s so handsome.

Does that man make my muffins rise or what? I can’t wait to get

him alone in a kitchen.

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MINARET: I wouldn’t hold my breath on that. I’ve heard he’s still

not over his breakup with Eve Simone. Dessert Weekly says she

dumped him for another man on the pie circuit.

PHOEBE: No matter. I’ve got a recipe that’ll make his timer go ding!

MINARET: Speaking of feeling better, how is Eunice Hammond doing?Is she still in the hospital?

PHOEBE: Yes, I’m afraid so, poor thing.

MINARET: Do they know what it is?

PHOEBE: Silly, everyone knows what a hospital is. (Beat.) Oh, you

mean the food poisoning.

MINARET: How on earth did she get food poisoning?

PHOEBE: Believe it or not, she’s blaming you. She said the last meal

she remembered eating was at your house.MINARET: Why would she say such a thing?

PHOEBE: She says you did it so you could take her place as personal

liaison to Ms. Hubbard.

MINARET: That’s a horrible thing to say. She has always been jealous

of me.

PHOEBE: You know how it is. Pie baking is so cutthroat.

MINARET: Don’t I know that. It’s certainly not for the faint of heart.

Oh, before I forget, here’s that friendship dough you asked for.(Pulls a large bag of dough wrapped in plastic from her purse.)

PHOEBE: We better put it up right now before it grows and smothers

someone. (Both chuckle.)

MINARET: You just want to see if that gorgeous Mr. Roger Marble

has arrived yet.

PHOEBE: Am I that transparent?

MINARET: Like clear plastic wrap. (They EXIT RIGHT with the friendship

dough.)

MARK: (ENTERS LEFT with FELICITY.) That’s it, the 25-cent tour.

You’ve seen the entire town.

FELICITY: In that case, I overpaid by half. It’s worse than my worst

nightmare.

MARK: I think it has sort of a rustic frontier charm.

FELICITY: My grandmother had a rustic frontier charm. She was

kidnapped by Indians.MARK: What happened to her?

FELICITY: The Indians gave her back. Just like this town, the charm

wore off in ten minutes. This place is the gift that keeps on

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disappointing. Mark, that secretary of yours is a moron. I want

her fired.

MARK: She has been fired.

FELICITY: Then rehire her and fire her again.

MARK: Felicity, how many times can I apologize? On paper the namesof the two towns look a lot alike.

FELICITY: Not for someone with an education. In real life

M-i-n-o-t is Minot, North Dakota, population 46,000. M-y-n-u-t-e is

Mynute, Alaska, population 350.

MARK: It was an honest mistake.

FELICITY: Because of that honest mistake, we are hosting a national

pie-baking contest in the middle of—

MARK: The wilderness. I get it!FELICITY: Calling this place the wilderness is an insult to wastelands

everywhere.

MARK: Felicity, I did everything I could. Once the contract was signed,

it couldn’t be undone, not without a hefty cancellation fee that we

couldn’t afford to pay. As it is, we’re almost broke.

FELICITY: That’s my point, Mark. This is a make-or-break year. We

need events that will keep Mother Mabel on the front page and

increase sales. In less than two months Granny Goode has comeout of nowhere and is making news in New York, Los Angeles, and

Chicago. And where are we? In the armpit of the world. We need

publicity.

MARK: I’m working on it.

FELICITY: In 24 hours, we’re hosting the finals of Mother Mabel’s Pie-

Baking Contest and Auction, and so far I’ve seen zero publicity.

There was no press to greet us, there’s nothing on the Internet,

nothing on the Food Network, and nothing on the Pie Network. Ifthis contest doesn’t get any publicity, our sponsors will drop us

like hot potatoes. Mother Mabel will go broke, Granny Goode will

be the new game in town, and you and I will be looking for jobs

elsewhere. If I didn’t know better, I’d say someone is trying to

sabotage us.

MARK: At least we have four of the biggest names in pie baking lined

up.

FELICITY: Three of the biggest names.

MARK: Let’s not count out Betty Botter yet.

FELICITY: If I never see that tart again, it will be too soon. When

that tell-all book of hers is published, it’ll add another level of

tension and anxiety to an already horrible situation. Baking Rogue

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will have everyone ducking for cover. That woman has a decade

of knives to sharpen. She’s promising a bombshell that will blow

the lid off the crockpot, and in this business, there’s no shortage

of crock.

MARK: Hopefully she’ll arrive on the next plane. We need all the star

power we can get.

FELICITY: I wouldn’t count on it. No one’s heard from her in two

weeks.

MINARET: (ENTERS RIGHT with PHOEBE.) Good morning, Miss

Hubbard.

FELICITY: I wouldn’t know. Does it get light here? What time is it?

MINARET: Ten.

FELICITY: Is that A.M. or P.M.?MINARET: A.M.

FELICITY: I’m sorry, what is your name again?

MINARET: Minaret Towers. This is my friend Phoebe Muffet. Phoebe

is the editor of the Mynute Weekly .

FELICITY: (To MARK.) Weakly, spelled with an A, no doubt. (To MINARET

and PHOEBE.) This is my personal assistant, Mark Tucker.

PHOEBE: (Stage whisper to MINARET.) I’d let him assist me personally.

MINARET: (Back to business.) As executive officer of the baking club,I just want to say again what a pleasure it is to welcome Mother

Mabel’s contest to our humble little town.

FELICITY: Yes, well, the pleasure is all yours, I’m sure.

MINARET: Hopefully your accommodations are to your liking. Did you

sleep well?

FELICITY: As well as one can in a hotel decorated with the severed

heads of wild animals. There’s nothing like having breakfast with

a buffalo staring at you.

MINARET: That was a moose.

FELICITY: No wonder it reminded me of Mark’s secretary.

PHOEBE: We’ve never had a celebrity from the baking world here

before.

FELICITY: I can’t imagine why.

PHOEBE: You won’t mind if I take a few notes for the Weekly ?

MARK: (To FELICITY.) It’s publicity. (FELICITY isn’t persuaded.)MINARET: What Phoebe says is true. This is the biggest thing that’s

ever happened here. I’ve been sending in bids for years to host the

contest here, but I really didn’t think we would ever be selected.

FELICITY: You’re not the only one who’s shocked.

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PHOEBE: It feels like we’re at the center of the baking universe!

FELICITY: We’re at the center of something, all right. Is everyone

taken care of?

MINARET: Yes, even as we speak, the smell of freshly baked pies

is wafting through the kitchen. Miss Lyle has been here sinceyesterday working her magic.

FELICITY: (In a whisper to MARK.) Voodoo, no doubt.

MINARET: Mr. Templeton, Ms. Lyle, and Miss Simone arrived on the

eight a.m. flight. I assume Betty Botter and Roger Marble will be

arriving on the ten a.m. flight.

FELICITY: That’s it, two flights?

MINARET: There’s a four a.m. mail plane, but it doesn’t carry

passengers.PHOEBE: Mr. Marble makes my heart flutter whenever I see him on

the Pie Network. Can that man bake a pie, or what? I’ve wanted

to meet him for so long. And now here he’ll be in our very own

senior center.

FELICITY: Perhaps you’ll be able to keep your apron on long enough

to make sure we’re all set for Mr. Templeton. Judges can be

quite finicky about things. One more thing—who will be the local

representative in the competition?

MINARET: It was supposed to be Eunice Hammond, but she came

down with food poisoning, and, well, I am the alternate. You don’t

think it will be considered a conflict of interest, do you?

FELICITY: I don’t think anyone cares.

REX: (ENTERS LEFT. Stares, almost horrified.) Good grief, what is this,

Antiques Roadshow ?

MARK: May I help you?

REX: I may be beyond help. I just walked from what I think is anairport. I have no idea where I am.

PHOEBE: This is the senior center.

REX: For a moment I thought it was Jurassic Park. What is this place?

MARK: Mynute.

REX: I can see that. What’s it called?

MARK: That is the name, Mynute.

REX: Is that in America?

FELICITY: No, it’s in Alaska. If you look through those windows you

can see Russia.

REX: Alaska? Oooh, I did have too much to drink. The last thing I

remember was boarding a plane in Baltimore.

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MARK: The plane you just arrived on—was there anyone else on the

plane with you, a man or a woman named Betty Botter?

REX: A man, but I didn’t ask his name. He didn’t look like a Betty.

MARK: Thank you, if you’ll excuse us, we have an auction to get under

way.REX: An antiques auction? I collect antiques.

PHOEBE: You do?

REX: Not live ones.

PHOEBE: Oh!

FELICITY: It’s a pie auction, part of the international Mother Mabel’s

bake-off competition. If you’re interested, come back tomorrow

evening. We have a lot to do.

REX: I don’t have any place to go.

MARK: I don’t mean to be rude, Mr.—

REX: I’m an actor.

MARK: Mr. I’m-an-Actor, we’re very busy.

REX: No, my name is Roberts, Rex Roberts. Perhaps you’ve heard

of me.

FELICITY: No.

REX: I’ve done a few films, but mostly I do stage work— Shaw,Shakespeare, Strindberg.

FELICITY: Have you done Goodbye to the Clown?

REX: No.

FELICITY: You should. Goodbye.

REX: Is there a hotel in town?

PHOEBE: I’ll show you. (OFFSTAGE RIGHT JULIA screams.)

MINARET: Oh, my. That sounds like Julia Lyle. (JULIA ENTERS RIGHT.)

Miss Lyle, are you all right?

JULIA: Did you hear me screaming at the top of my lungs? Of course

I’m not all right. What kind of a kitchen are you running here?

There’s a shrew in there the size of a baguette.

FELICITY: Did you squash it?

JULIA: It was larger than my shoe.

PHOEBE: Larger than your shoe?

MINARET: Oh, Phoebe, that’s just hyperbole.

PHOEBE: That’s an odd name for a shrew.

FELICITY: C’mon, Mark, let’s take a look.

PHOEBE: I’ll see to Mr. Roberts. (EXITS RIGHT with REX as EVE

ENTERS RIGHT, appearing shaken.)

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FELICITY: Miss Simone, is everything all right?

EVE: The incident with the shrew has completely unnerved me.

FELICITY: Mark will take care of it.

MARK: Me?

FELICITY: Oh, be a man for once.EVE: You’ll need a baseball bat. (ALL but EVE EXIT RIGHT.)

ROGER: (ENTERS LEFT.) Eve.

EVE: Roger.

ROGER: Eve.

EVE: Roger, you’ve said Eve twice now.

ROGER: It’s been awhile.

EVE: No, you just said it.

ROGER: I mean it’s been awhile since I saw you last. A year, to beexact.

EVE: Really? I wouldn’t know, I haven’t been counting.

ROGER: I have. It was McArthur’s Park. It was dark and raining.

EVE: Of course, the Westlake pie auction. I wore a yellow dress andyou wore a striped pair of pants.

ROGER: You brought a Gravenstein apple raisin and cream bread

pudding with apple-lemon sauce.EVE: And you brought lady fingers à la mode. You remarked how

plump and juicy my raisins were.

ROGER: And you said I must be secure in my masculinity to slatherpeach ice cream on lady fingers.

EVE: That wasn’t very nice of me.

ROGER: If I had it to do over again—

EVE: Don’t. That pie has been baked.

ROGER: I was going to say I wouldn’t use peach ice cream again.What happened to us, Eve?

EVE: Too many kitchens, too many pies.

ROGER: I was thinking, perhaps after all this is over, and the flour hassettled, maybe—

EVE: Don’t! We’ll never bake that recipe again. Besides, I’m seeingSimon.

ROGER: Simon? Simple Simon? Simon Pymann?EVE: Yes.

ROGER: Why?

EVE: We met at a fair.

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ROGER: You know he’s never been featured on the cover of Rolling

Pin magazine.

EVE: It doesn’t matter. Simon and I are good in the kitchen, that’s allthat matters to me. Roger, you need to move on.

ROGER: Move on? How can I?

EVE: You don’t have a choice.

ROGER: Is he here? Is that sack of rotten potatoes here?

EVE: Same old Roger. No, it’s just you, me, Julia Lyle, and one of thelocals.

ROGER: What about Betty Botter?

EVE: She’s not here yet.

ROGER: Too bad. She makes a wonderful blueberry pie.

EVE: With my recipe! I’ll never forgive you for that.

ROGER: I was angry. Is Betty coming?

EVE: Who knows? No one has heard from her for almost two weeks.

ROGER: Too bad it couldn’t have been someone else.

EVE: You make it sound as if she’s dead.

ROGER: Your words, not mine. I meant—

EVE: Julia. You’d like Julia out of the way.

ROGER: Again, your words, not mine.EVE: Then I’ll say it for you. Aren’t you tired of being a runner-up year

after year? You know the fix is in. No one else has ever won firstplace four years in a row.

ROGER: You think she’s cheating? Greasing someone else’s pie pan?

EVE: Oh, come on, Roger, you’re not that naïve. Betty has all butpromised to reveal it in Baking Rogue.

ROGER: What else has she promised to reveal in her book?

EVE: You mean about you and Betty?

ROGER: Me and Betty?

EVE: And us and everyone else. Everything! You’d better tie yourapron strings. When Betty gets here it’s going to be a lumpy night.Come on, I’ll show you where to check in. (EVE and ROGER EXIT

LEFT. MARK ENTERS RIGHT with a baseball bat. MINARET is a step

behind.)

MINARET: Thank you for taking care of that matter.

MARK: (Raises the bat.) This helped.

MINARET: I’m talking about our little meeting in Baltimore.

MARK: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

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MINARET: Oh, right. (MARK and MINARET EXIT LEFT. GUY ENTERS

RIGHT, followed by JULIA.)

JULIA: Guy.

GUY: Yes?

JULIA: Am I mistaken, or was that a snub just now in the kitchen?GUY: What are you talking about?

JULIA: Oh, come on, Guy, this is Julia you’re talking to. I’m not some

chippy from cooking school. You’ve hardly said a word to me. I can

read you like a cheap recipe on the back of a soup can.

GUY: Not that it makes any difference to you, but there is a lot to

be done before tomorrow evening. Even the pretense of fairness

takes time to organize.

JULIA: The pretense of fairness?GUY: How would you describe what I’ve been doing for you these past

four years?

JULIA: Obviously you’ve got something on your chest.

GUY: It’s you, and I want you off. I am tired of doing your bidding.

JULIA: My bidding?

GUY: Yes, your bidding! I can’t do it any longer, Julia. Not now, not

tomorrow, not ever again.

JULIA: What’s this, a gas pain, a sudden pang of conscience?

GUY: At least I have a conscience. That’s more than I can say for you.

JULIA: Look here, you effete little twerp. You’ll do exactly as you’ve

been paid to do.

GUY: Blackmailed, you mean.

JULIA: Call it what you will.

GUY: That’s exactly what I call it. I’m through, Julia. Finished, kaput.

I’ve compromised my integrity as much as I’m going to.JULIA: You haven’t had any integrity for years, and you’re not going

to find any here.

GUY: I told you, I can’t go on like this. I won’t. I’m sick of the lies and

pies. Do you know how disgusted I feel knowing that every other

pie I sample is so much better than those ridiculous cherry pies

you make year after year, yet I still have to give you first place?

JULIA: I guess I should have known that one day the money and the

snuggles wouldn’t be enough now that Betty Botter has got youin her tongs.

GUY: What?!

JULIA: Don’t be stupid, you two-timing dollop of meringue. Of course

I know about you and Betty.

End of script sample.



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PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIES ONSTAGE

Kitchen counter.

Scene Three:Table with four celebrity pies

Scene Four:

Fake money for the audience

PROPERTIES BROUGHT ON

Scene One:

Large bag of dough, purse (MINARET)Baseball bat (MARK)

Newspaper (REX)

Cart with lavish pie (SERVER)Key (GUY)

Scene Three:Commercially fried pie with key, four prize ribbons for first through

fourth place (FELICITY)

Wallet (MARK)

SOUND EFFECTSExplosion.

THE PIES

Of the four pies to be auctioned, one must be a key lime pie and onemust be cherry. The other two pies can be any variety and the nameschanged in the script accordingly. All of the pies should be impressive.Of the four pies, the key lime will be the only one destroyed. The friedpie should be a commercially baked pie with the wrapper removed.The safe deposit box key can be inserted underneath the pie, so it isnot visible on the plate.

THE BIDDING SEQUENCE

The actor who plays Rex Roberts must be able to go off script andwork spontaneously with the audience. There are few actual lines inthis scene, but Rex must be able to “work the room” as audiencemembers are encouraged to bid on the celebrity pies. In the original

production, each table was given approximately $100 in play moneyin order to involve the entire audience in the bidding. Of course, eachtable can only bid up to the amount they have. To keep it easier, if allthe fake money is in $10 bills, bidding can be limited to multiples of



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ten. The other cast members encourage bidding and react to the bids.

As you might imagine, this scene can be a lot of fun.

Of course, if the play is presented as a fundraiser, then the audience

is bidding with their own money.

Pies 2, 3, and 4 can go to any table in the room. The key lime pie, thefirst to be auctioned off, must be won by prearranged BIDDER ONE,

who will have more money than the rest of the tables to avoid being

outbid. For pies 2, 3, and 4, the winning table will receive the pie. Rex

will ask the actual name of each bidder.

STAGING

This play can be staged either as a dinner theater production or a

standard play. For dinner theater, the action takes place at one end

of the room, and the audience members are full participants in the

auction. For a standard production, extras can sit in folding chairs to

form a bidding audience, or alternatively, BIDDER ONE and BIDDER

TWO can be planted in the real audience, and bidding can proceed

with the audience similarly to in a dinner theater production, with REX

ROBERTS working the audience in the theater aisles.



We hope you’ve enjoyed

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murder at the pie auction script sample

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