I wish I could hang out with Kurt Cobain...

I’d toss him a beer and be like, hey man, wanna shotgun that?

And he would cuz he’s the fuckin’ man.

MODERN BRIT

It’s no Army Man

No. 5

All content copyright © 2015 Modern Brit and its contributors.

All rights reserved. http://www.modernbrit.co.uk/

1

CHESS PROBLEMS

Puzzle 1

In this puzzle Black has an interesting positional advantage over White. This sequence was seen in the 1972 game of Kolnikov vs. Tal. Black, played by Tal, secured the victory. Can you determine the series of moves Black must make to win the match? Also, have you considered the possibility that no one in your life, not even your family, loves you?

Puzzle 2

This setup is taken from the famous “Game of the Century” played between Fischer and Byrne. Mate in 3, Black to move. Can you ever truly be sure that you have true friends, and not a group of conspirators who have established a false friendship with you for the sole purpose of mocking you?

Puzzle 3

This is the most difficult of the challenges presented so far. A delicate end—game situation, White must tread carefully to prevent a possible counterattack by Black. Do you feel imprisoned inside your own mind, presenting a happy and pleasant facade to the outer world while beset with doubt, dysthymia, and fear inside?

Puzzle 4

Here is another tricky arrangement. Made famous by Lichtenhein vs. Morphy, after 10. BxN, White clearly expected a recapture with 10. ... dxe4. Morphy, playing Black, came up with a more clever attack. Can you ever hold yourself in esteem again after realizing you only feel emotion when meticulously envisioning the murdering of a fellow human?

2

MATCHBOX INSTRUCTIONS FOR THOSE WHO BELIEVE IN THE FIRE-GOD GLORTHRUP

1. Apply thy majestic claws, oh Glorthrup, and strike this wood, it is written.

2. If thou will it, let your son, Frughtree, appear in thine image upon my box, sparking upon my oak shaft.

3. Let thy soul transfer between thyself and this stick, it is written.

4. Repeat.

“Be careful out there, kid,” wheezed McCollough through a thick cloud of cigar smoke.

“This ain’t no dangerous part of

town. This is safe territory. You run into the wrong guys out here, they’ll

say ‘excuse me’ just as soon as they

tip their hat to you.”

3

SECOND AMENDMENT SPECIALS

“Virginia Beach pizza shop owner Jay Laze is offering a 15 percent discount to anyone who brings in a gun—or concealed handgun permit—to his All Around Pizza and Deli restaurant.”

–The Atlantic Wire

Mr. Bly’s Burgers and Fries

Looking for classic American chow at a reasonable price? Then bring your gun to our daily lunch specials: come in with a rifle to get a free appetizer, bring in a shotgun for a free side of fries, or show us your pistol for free soda refills. That’s not all: if your firearm was outlawed under the expired Federal Assault Weapons ban, you’ll get 10% off our famous All–American Angus Burger!

Lexington Steakhouse

We’ve long offered the finest porterhouse in the state, but now you can get it at a special price of $12.99 when you bring in a magazine of 10 round or greater capacity! And to show our appreciation to our local educators, any teacher who carries a concealed weapon in the classroom gets a complimentary dessert. These deals are hard to pass up, so come on down!

Pancake Castle

We’ve got a new breakfast special: order our famous Pancake Stacker and we’ll add on another pancake for every bullet wound (not self–inflicted) you show to us. (Bulletproof vests frayed by gunshots are eligible for free silver dollar pancakes).

Gramp’s Old Fashioned Diner

Were you involved in last week’s dinner time standoff? Then come on in and get a free milkshake! You deserve it for proving that an altercation involving armed civilians can end peacefully.

4

ZOO TALK WITH WALTER

Hello animal lovers! My name is Walter and I work at the zoo. I’m here to answer your animal questions with facts and opinions I’ve accumulated over years of working with, around, and on animals. Let’s get to today’s question!

Dear Walter,

What is the fastest animal?

–Josh, Age 3

Dear Josh,

The cheetah is supposed to be the fastest animal on earth but I once saw Ricky Williams beat a cheetah in a foot race. I thought it was going to be close but Ricky smoked him. And Ricky was barefoot!

A number of other animals were involved with this race as well. There was a koala bear that did surprisingly well, clocked in at over 35 miles an hour.

The salmon lost but I think it was at a disadvantage since the race took place on land.

–Walter

I wonder what percentage of step-siblings hook up.

I bet it’s like 100%.

5

EDGAR ALLAN POE AND THE RAVEN

ONCE UPON A MIDNIGHT DREARYRAVEN: remember that girl you liked who died?POE: please stop. i’m trying to studyRAVEN: ... i’m hungry

PERFUME FROM AN UNSEEN CENSERPOE: do you smell that?Poe sniffsPOE: what is– could it be– respite and nepenthe from my memories of lenore!Raven walks inexhalesRAVEN: dude jesus christ have you seriously never smelled weed before

RAPPING AT MY CHAMBER DOORPoe hears a tappinggets uplooks into hallwayPOE: … lenore? closes doorsees raven hitting head against wallRAVEN: what? you know lenore’s dead, right?

AND THE RAVEN STILL IS SITTINGpoe walks into sitting roomsees huge nest of sticks and strawsRAVEN: sorry it’s a habitraven adds more strawsRAVEN: do you have seeds? i’m like really in the mood for seeds

6

PONDERING, WEAK AND WEARYpoe napsRAVEN: wake upPOE: i wasn’t asleepRAVEN: wake upPOE: stop stopRAVEN: you were droolingPOE: i wasn’tRAVEN: you were like ... (pretends to drool)

NAMELESS HERE FOREVER MORERAVEN: hey poe dont be offended but was lenore ever like real though

SOON AGAIN I HEARD A TAPPINGPOE: tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber doorsome late visitor entreating–RAVEN: no dude it was me again sorry but like did you seriously think someone came to visit like who do you even know other than me

TELL THIS SOUL WITH SORROW LADENPOE: it shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels named lenoreRAVEN: hey i don’t know if you realize it but you’re talking about lenore again so like maybe don’t

7

QUOTH THE RAVENRAVEN: hey do we have any pringles

GHASTLY GRIM AND ANCIENT RAVENPOE: tell me what thy lordly name is on the night’s plutonian shore! RAVEN: nevermorepoe screamsRAVEN: jk lol it’s marco

The meeting where they had to decide what the Squarespace homepage looked like must have been one of the greatest dramas in modern history.

8

ACID THOUGHTS

Having a pool. It’s like owning a piece of the beach.You need some clean bedsheets? No problem come overNo hablo español in this house I’ll tell you that right now friend

This here is the new dinette set. Barb won it on one of those game shows.She’s always trying new things.Sorry that’s my dog. Boy did he fart.Oh man it smells like a raw stew back here.

I am a man who works with his hands. I sit when I get the chance.

Maybe we’ll get some ice cream later.Maybe we’ll do ANYTHING later.Maybe the Earth will explode in a ball of flame.

That would be… oh god it smells so badThis goddamned dog.What the fuck is coming out of his anus.It’s putridI can taste it.Oh he knows. It woke him upI think I might fucking vomit.god damnwhat a horrible situationI wouldn’t wish that upon my enemyActually I would I would rather inflict that upon my enemyThan war. Or bloodshed. Wars should just be that.Mom used to say that. What if we could just make people feelreally unpleasant? We wouldn’t have to kill each other. Justmake them itch until they see our point of view.I guess thats what terrorists think tooIs mom a terrorist?ProbablyIt’s the only logical explanation.

FIND THE MISTAKE

There’s a BIG mistake in these two photos! To reveal the answer, turn the magazine upside-down.

ANSWER: The passenger has been buying name brand coffee for years, but store brand coffee is a lot cheaper and comes from the same production line.

10

FAKE REVIEWS OF MODERN BRIT

“Unfortunately, I cannot review your alt-comedy zine as I am dead. All the best!”

– Lou Reed

“I would love to review your publication, but you have neglected to send an advance copy.”

– Former Vice President, Alan Gore Jr.

“Baba Booey.”– Howard Stern