MINDFUL LISTENING

By Donna Brown

WHAT IS MINDFULNESS?

A way of focusing your attention that can produce significant benefits

Opposite of multi-tasking

Rebecca Shafir writes “our environment with its constant bombardment of stimuli challenges your innate ability to relax and focus on one task at a time.”

WHY DO WE LISTEN? We listen to obtain information We listen to understand We listen for enjoyment We listen to learn

Listen Effectively from “Hitch” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TQzduf9GH8M

We remember 25% to 50% of what we hear.

That means when you talk to your boss, colleagues, customers, or spouse for 10 minutes, they pay attention to half of the conversation.

Good communication skills require a high level of self-awareness

By understanding your personal style of communicating, you will go along way towards creating good and lasting impressions of others

The average person speaks at 125 words per minute, yet we can process up to 500 words per minute

HOW TO BE A GOOD LISTENER

WHAT IS ACTIVE LISTENING? The process of listening, clarifying,

giving feedback, and self-disclosing. It involves the participation of both

parties in verbal and non-verbal ways. The use of “I” statements is imperative.

MAKE EYE CONTACT Look the speaker in the face most of the

time, especially look at his/her eyes If you forget to make eye contact,

speaker may think you are bored, withdrawn, or simply not listening

Be culturally sensitive: some individuals may be uncomfortable with too much direct eye contact

TAKE A LISTENING POSITION Sit or stand in a comfortable position Aim your body in the general direction

of the speaker Try to be relaxed Be aware of other non-verbals:

placement of arms, leaning forward when necessary, head nodding, degree of personal space, smiling

Effective Listening: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTr7mRs1ixg

PARAPHRASE THE SPEAKER’S MESSAGE State in your own words what someone

has just said Some common ways to lead into

paraphrases are: What I hear you saying is…. In other words…. So basically how you felt was… What happened was… Sounds like you’re feeling…

The speaker has the chance to make the message more clear if he/she doesn’t think you really understood

ASK CLARIFYING QUESTIONS If something the speaker said is unclear,

ask him/her a question to get more information

Asking questions make you an active, interested listener

The speaker can tell you have been listening enough to have a question and care enough to ask

Ask open ended questions:Could you give me an example…

MAKE COMMENTS, ASK QUESTIONS When the speaker stops or pauses,

make comments about the same subject If you change the topic suddenly, she/he

may think you weren’t listening If the speaker asks a question, your

answer can show you were listening Use silence to your benefit versus

attempting to fill the conversation with constant talk

PROVIDE APPROPRIATE FEEDBACK Feedback should always be given in an

honest and supportive way Empathy: identify with the speaker’s

feelings. It can be difficult if you have different life experiences or would try a different solution

Openness: be a supportive, but neutral listener. Be careful of judgments.

Awareness: be aware of your own biases. We all have them, it’s human nature

EIGHT BARRIERS TO EFFECTIVE LISTENING

1. KNOWING THE ANSWER You think you already know what the speaker wants to say,

before she actually finishes saying it. You might then impatiently cut her off or try to complete the sentence for her.

Even more disruptive is interrupting her by saying that you disagree with her, but without letting her finish saying what it is that you think you disagree with.

By interrupting the speaker before letting her finish, you're essentially saying that you don't value what she's saying. Showing respect to the speaker is a crucial element of good listening.

The "knowing the answer" barrier also causes the listener to pre-judge what the speaker is saying -- a kind of closed-mindedness.

A good listener tries to keep an open, receptive mind. He looks for opportunities to stretch his mind when listening, and to acquire new ideas or insights, rather than reinforcing existing points of view.

OVERCOMING THIS BARRIER Wait for three seconds after the speaker

finishes before beginning your reply. Three seconds is a good thing, because

it gives the speaker a chance to fully vent his or her feelings.

Another strategy is to schedule a structured session during which only one person speaks while the other listens. You then switch roles in the next session.

2. TRYING TO BE HELPFUL The listener is thinking about how to

solve what he perceives to be the listener’s problem

He misses what the speaker is actually saying

OVERCOMING THE BARRIER Schedule a separate session for giving

advice Politely ask if you may offer a possible

solution Wait for the speaker to clearly invite you

to go ahead before giving advice

3. TREATING DISCUSSION AS A COMPETITION Agreeing with the speaker during a

debate is a sign of weakness Feel compelled to challenge every point

OVERCOMING THIS BARRIER Debating should be scheduled for a

separate session Avoid dismissing the speaker’s

statements Instead affirm the points of agreement

4. TRYING TO INFLUENCE OR IMPRESS A person with an agenda will not simply

listen People can understand language 2-3

times faster than they can speak Therefore the listener has time to think

about other things while listening The listener will use this time to plan

their “next move”

OVERCOMING THIS BARRIER Make note of your internal motives while

listening You’ll eventually become conscious of

your ulterior motives They may unravel allowing you to let go

and just listen

5. REACTING TO RED FLAGS Words can provoke a reaction in the

listener Red flag words trigger an unexpectedly

strong reaction in the listener’s mind The speaker may not have meant the

word in the way the listener understood

OVERCOMING THIS BARRIER Ask the speaker to confirm whether she

meant to say what you think she said Try to stop the conversation, if possible,

so you don’t miss anything else the speaker has to say

6. BELIEVING IN LANGUAGE A misplaced trust in the precision of

words Language is a guessing game Meaning must always be actively

negotiated Words have unique effect in the mind of

each person Words work by pointing at experiences

shared by speaker and listener

OVERCOMING THIS BARRIER Practice mistrusting the meaning of

words Ask the speaker supporting questions to

cross-verify what the words mean to him Don’t assume the words mean exactly

the same to you as they do the listener You can stop the speaker and question

the meaning of the word

7. MIXING UP THE FOREST AND THE TREES People pay too close attention to detail They miss the overall meaning “trees” people-name characteristics in

no particular order “forest” people-sweeping, abstract,

bird’s eye view Good explanations usually provide both:

the big picture and specific view

OVERCOMING THIS BARRIER Explicitly ask the speaker for the overall

context or specific details as needed Cross-verify by asking how the trees fit

together with the forest An accurate picture of how details fit

together is crucial in understanding the speaker’s thoughts

Ask open ended questions

8. OVER-SPLITTING OR OVER-LUMPING “Splitters”-how things are different “Lumpers”-how things are alike Different mental styles can cause

confusion A listener who is an over-splitter can

inadvertently signal that he disagrees with everything

That can cause noise and interfere with the flow of conversation

Achieve a good balance is important

OVERCOMING THIS BARRIER Ask questions to determine more

precisely where you agree and disagree By voicing points of convergence and

divergence the listener can create a more accurate mental model of the speaker’s mind

CONCLUSION It takes a lot of concentration to be an

active listener Be deliberate with your listening Your goal is truly hear what the other

person is saying Concentrate on the message; do not let

your mind wander Ask questions, reflect, and paraphrase

Is anybody listening? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=poAUNIQsTJI