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MIDDLE SCHOOL LUNCHROOM by Kamron Klitgaard Kamron Klitgaard 898 S 700 W Brigham City, UT 84302 801-668-2836 [email protected] www.kamplays.com

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MIDDLE SCHOOL LUNCHROOM

by

Kamron Klitgaard

Kamron Klitgaard

898 S 700 W

Brigham City, UT 84302

801-668-2836

[email protected]

www.kamplays.com

CHARACTERS

THE NERDS

MYRTLE (F)

TRUDY (F)

DEX (M)

MILT (M)

MELVIN (M)

THE PREPPIES

AYVA (F)

CHLOE (F)

ALEX (M/F)

HARPER (M/F)

DREW (M/F)

THE JOCKS

ASHER (M)

CHIP (M)

TAYLOR (M/F)

HAYDEN (M/F)

JORDAN (M/F)

THE YOUTUBERS

JAKE (M)

PARKER (F)

LOGAN (M/F)

RILEY (M/F)

SKYLER (M/F)

THE PRINCESSES

ELLA (F)

ARIEL (F)

ROSE (F)

BELLA (F)

TIANA (F)

THE LOST

JAZZ (M/F)

AIDEN (M/F)

BAILEY (M/F)

BOBBIE (M/F)

DALLAS (M/F)

The One-Line: Several different cliques are examined in the middle school lunchroom.

Genre: Comedy/Drama

Cast: 30 total roles: 10 Female, 6 Male, 14 Either - Doubling and Extras possible

Setting: A middle school lunchroom with six tables, chairs, and a garbage can

Approx. Running Time: 45 minutes

Synopsis:

1

MIDDLE SCHOOL LUNCHROOM

SETTING: Six lunchroom tables and chairs. One table is prominently in the

Center.

AT RISE: A BELL RINGS. THE ENTIRE CAST enters. They gather, greet

and talk, as a typical day in the lunch room. Some get into a line

and some already have lunch trays. Some have paper sack

lunches. AYVA and ASHER approach the audience.

AYVA

Hi! My name’s Ayva.

ASHER

And I’m Asher.

AYVA

What you see before you is a typical middle school lunchroom.

ASHER

It’s not glamorous, exciting, or extraordinary in any way. But it’s our lunchroom.

AYVA

My cousin’s middle school has a Taco Bell, Domino’s Pizza, and a Chick-Fil-A. A Chick-Fil-A!

ASHER

All we have is the government mandated school lunch.

AYVA

But that’s not why we’re here. We wanted to show you this.

Each group goes to a table with the NERDS

going to the Center Table.

ASHER

See that? Everyone sits with the same people every day.

AYVA

It’s not the same table everyday but it’s always the same people.

ASHER

For example, on Monday the cafeteria could look like this.

(Approaching the center table)

Allow me to introduce you to this table. It’s called the Nerd Table.

THE NERDS do a nerd cheer.

2

AYVA

Don’t be too quick to dismiss these guys. They’re the future billionaires.

ASHER

Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Mark Zuckerberg would have sat at this table; not to mention Sir

Isaac Newton, Nikola Tesla, and Albert Einstein.

AYVA

I say, always be nice to the nerds. You never know what could happen. Now, on Tuesday, the

cafeteria might look like this.

All the groups rotate from one table to the

next. The PREPPIES rotate to the Center

Table.

ASHER

These are “The Preppies.”

The PREPPIES give a preppie cheer.

AYVA

They’re the guys that are, you know, popular.

ASHER

No one really knows why. It’s just the way it is. On Wednesday, the cafeteria may look like

this.

All the groups rotate again. The JOCKS

move to the Center Table and pose

jockishly.

AYVA

These are the Jocks.

The JOCKS give a jock cheer.

ASHER

You may have thought that the Jocks would be part of the Preppies. But there is a difference.

Jocks are obviously good at sports. Sometimes they get a bad rap because the stereo type is that

they’re big and dumb.

AYVA

But there are smart jocks and little jocks. Anyone who is good at sports is considered to be a

jock. On Thursdays, the cafeteria could look this way.

All the groups rotate. The YOUTUBERS

move to the Center Table.

3

ASHER

For the lack of a better term, these are the YouTubers.

The YOUTUBERS give a cheer using

phones and cameras.

AYVA

I don’t think this group existed when our parents were in middle school.

ASHER

They’re fairly new. These are the ones who are always trying to become YouTube stars.

They’re always trying to capture a video that will go viral. On Friday, you could walk into the

cafeteria and it might look like this.

All the groups rotate and The PRINCESSES

end up at the Center Table.

AYVA

These are the Princesses.

The PRINCESSES give a princess cheer.

ASHER

They’re not real princesses, obviously. We just call them that because they really, really, really,

care about how they look. They always wear nice clothes and have lots of accessories.

AYVA

And their hair is always perfect; just like real princesses. We’ve run out of school days, but if

we had to go to school on a Saturday, the cafeteria might look like this.

The groups rotate and The LOST move to

the Center Table.

ASHER

These are The Lost.

The LOST give a lost cheer.

AYVA

They’re not literally lost. They just don’t know what group they belong to.

ASHER

And there are a lot of groups out there. They just haven’t discovered who they are yet. But I

say, what’s the hurry?

AYVA

You’re right, there are a lot of groups. And these are just some of them. Sometimes there are

some crossovers; that’s when things get interesting. Watch this.

4

ASHER

Everyone rotate!

The groups rotate again and the NERDS

move back to the Center Table. AYVA

joins the PREPPIES and ASHER joins the

JOCKS. The NERDS are working hard on

drawing and coloring projects. CHIP

approaches the NERDS.

CHIP

Hey, guys.

DEX

Hey, Chip. Shouldn’t you be at the Jock table?

CHIP

I just wanted to see what you guys are doin’?

MELVIN

Hi, Chip. We’re creating legendary mythical creatures.

CHIP

Mythical creatures?

MYRTLE

Yeah, you know, like the hippogriff or a centaur. You combine the head of one creature with the

body of another. We’ve got some wild stuff. Check mine out.

(Showing a picture she’s drawn)

It’s a creature with the body of a sea lion… and it has the head of a seal.

DEX

Cool! And look at mine. It’s a mythical creature that has the body of a cobra… and the head of

a rattle snake.

CHIP

But those aren’t all that different. I don’t think I could even recognize a sea lion from a seal.

And isn’t yours gonna look like an ordinary snake?

TRUDY

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Have you ever seen a cobra or a rattle snake? They’re totally different!

MILT

Yeah, the cobra has a pair of occipitals behind the usual "nine-plate" arrangement typical of

colubrids and elapids. And it has faint, pale-yellow cross bands down the length of the body.

5

MELVIN

In contrast, the rattlesnake has a set of heat-sensing "pits" on its face that enable it to locate prey

and then move toward it. Not to mention the series of hollow, interlocked segments of keratin

modifying the scales.

CHIP

What?

MYRTLE

The rattle.

TRUDY

What do you think of mine? It has the head of a fish… and the tail of a mermaid.

Trudy shows a picture of a fish.

DEX

I can totally tell where the fish head starts.

CHIP

Hey, I was wondering if you guys are planning to go to the school dance next week.

Milt laughs a long and super-nerdy laugh.

MELVIN

Will there be girls there?

CHIP

Most likely.

MELVIN

Would we have to talk to them?

CHIP

Probably.

Milt laughs a long and super-nerdy laugh.

MELVIN

We couldn’t do that.

CHIP

What do you mean?

DEX

We don’t talk to girls.

6

MELVIN

Yeah, we get too nervous. It’s like, when there’s a girl around, we turn into nerds or something.

CHIP

What about Myrtle and Trudy here?

MILT

Well, anatomically, I guess you could consider them to be of the female persuasion.

DEX

But at the dance there will be real girls.

CHIP

Guys, that’s kind of insulting to them.

MYRTLE

Nah, we get it.

CHIP

Well, what if I help you?

MELVIN

Help us what?

CHIP

Talk to girls.

Milt laughs a long and super-nerdy laugh.

DEX

Uh, no thank you. I didn’t bring a change of underwear.

CHIP

You guys can’t just sit around drawing mythical creatures your whole life.

TRUDY

We don’t just draw mythical creatures. We also play Magic: The Gathering, Yu-Gi-Oh,

Dungeons & Dragons, and to a lesser extent, Minecraft.

MYRTLE

The mobile version!

CHIP

Alright, listen. My little brother is just like you guys. And I don’t want him to turn out like…

well, I want him to be able to go to a dance next year when he comes to middle school. So, I

thought if you guys could do it, then I’d be able to help him.

The NERDS huddle for a second then break.

7

MELVIN

Alright, we’ll do it.

MYRTLE

It should be an interesting sociological experiment.

MILT

I’m nervous.

CHIP

There’s nothing to be worried about. I’ll pretend to be a girl and you just talk to me.

DEX

Can you give us an example?

CHIP

Sure. Dex, let’s start with you. Stand up.

DEX

(Standing)

Okay, standing. What should I do?

CHIP

Alright, let’s pretend that I’m, say, Chloe, over there at the preppie table. And I come over and I

say, “Hi, Dex.”

DEX

You? Okay. I can pretend. How’s it going… Chloe?

The NERDS all laugh a long nerdy laugh.

CHIP

Great. Now… What are you doin’ this weekend?

(Waiting for DEX to answer but none comes)

Now you answer. Go ahead. What’s your answer?

TRUDY

Do a magic trick.

CHIP

No!

MYRTLE

Show her your Cobrattler.

CHIP

No!

8

MILT

Say something cool.

CHIP

Yes!

DEX

Something cool… Okay, got it. Hey there, groovy chick.

MYRTLE & TRUDY

Yes!

CHIP

No!

MELVIN

It’s gotta be suave and debonair. Like James Bond.

CHIP

Now you’re on the right track. Let’s try again. Hey, Dex. What are you doin’ this weekend?

DEX

I’m going to a Pokémon convention.

(Holding up a Pokeball)

See? Inside this Pokeball is my best friend, Pikachu. He’s shaken, not stirred.

TRUDY

Works for me.

MYRTLE

I’d dance with him. Gotta catch ‘em all!

CHIP

Let’s try someone else.

MILT

(Raising his hand fanatically)

Me! Oooo! Ooo! Ooo! Pick me! Me! Me!

CHIP

Alright, Milt.

MILT

(Standing)

Yes!

CHIP

Now remember, I’m Chloe. Hi, Milt. What are you doin’ this weekend?

9

Milt laughs a long and nerdy laugh and

sits back down.

MELVIN

(Standing)

Let me do it. It’s simple. All you have to do is just don’t get all weird.

CHIP

Exactly.

MELVIN

(Knightly voice)

Ask me the questions, bridge keeper! I’m not afraid!

CHIP

I’m Chloe, not the bridge keeper. Just remember that. Hi Melvin, what are you doing this

weekend?

MELVIN

(Suave)

I thought I’d wait to see what you’re doing before I made any plans.

CHIP

Not bad, keep going.

MELVIN

Chloe, I’ve never noticed, but your eyes… I’ve never seen that color before. They remind me of

the sky, just before dawn, when it’s turning that special color that fills your heart with an

incredible sense of gladness. Or the sea, with its endless waves of joy that seem to go on forever

and ever.

(Looking deep into his eyes)

Oh, wait. My mistake; they’re blue.

CHIP

Well, pretty good up until the end. I’ve got an idea. Why don’t we try it on the real Chloe?

DEX

Yeah, we’re ready!

MILT

Sure, we can do it. Just think, James Bond.

MELVIN

What about Jason Bourne?

CHIP

Guys, relax. Just be yourselves. It’ll be fine.

10

The NERDS sit at their table. CHIP goes to

the PREPPIES and talks with CHLOE.

MYRTLE looks in her lunch box.

MYRTLE

I hope he gets back before all this dry ice melts.

CHIP and CHLOE approach the Nerd Table.

CHIP

Hey, everyone? This is Chloe.

CHLOE

Hi, Guys. What are you doin’ this weekend?

DEX, MILT, and MELVIN scream high and

loud. They get up and run around the table,

constantly screaming. DEX dives under the

table to hide. Milt dives under another table

to hide. MELVIN army crawls into the

audience and hides. TRUDY and MYRTLE

laugh.

CHIP

Alright, just forget it!

CHIP and CHLOE return to their tables.

MILT, DEX, and MELVIN come out of

their hiding spots and return to their table.

TRUDY

(Pointing at each one of them)

Fail! Fail! Fail!

MYRTLE

Super ultra-mega fail. That’s what you guys just did.

DEX

It’s not that easy!

MILT

Yeah, I’d like to see you guys do it.

MELVIN

That would be the ultimate fail.

TRUDY

Fine. Just get some real men to come over here and we’ll talk to them.

11

DEX

Okay, I will. Are you ready?

MYRTLE

Hold on.

MYRTLE and TRUDY take off their glasses

and take the buns out of their hair. They

shake their hair out.

TRUDY

Ready.

DEX, MILT and MELVIN stare at them.

Suddenly, they scream high and loud. They

get up and run around the table, constantly

screaming. DEX dives under the table to

hide. Milt dives under another table to hide.

MELVIN army crawls into the audience and

hides.

MYRTLE

Rotate!

All the groups rotate tables. The

PREPPIES move to the Center Table.

TRUDY and MYRTLE put on their glasses

and stand next to the Preppie Table.

TRUDY

(To the audience)

As you know, this is the Preppie Table. Everyone here is popular.

MYRTLE

Many times, at this table, you can find one or more Peripheral Preppies. What’s a Peripheral

Preppie, you might ask? Well, Preppies are not self-sustaining. They need other kids to think

they’re popular or their popularity would not exist.

TRUDY

Which begs the question: If a girl is popularized in the lunchroom and no one is around to

confirm it, is she really popular?

MYRTLE

We call these other kids Peripheral Preppies.

TRUDY

They confirm the popularity of the Preppies and they themselves become popular when they’re

with the Preppies. But on their own, not popular.

12

MYRTLE

So, what makes a Preppie popular? Let’s listen in and see if we can find the answer.

MYRTLE and TRUDY go back to the Nerd

Table.

DREW

Alright, everyone, gather around!

The PREPPIES gather around DREW.

AYVA

Who’s the target?

DREW

We gotta find out who Jake likes.

CHLOE

Jake? Why Jake?

DREW

Because the word is that Alison likes Jake and if we can find out for her if he likes her back then

she promised to cheer for us for a whole month whenever we walk into class.

HARPER

Do we really need her to cheer? Aren’t we popular enough already?

ALEX

Harper! One, you can never be too popular, and two, we all know that popularity is like royalty:

You’re born into it. But if popularity ever becomes a democracy, we could lose our power just

like the Queen of England did.

DREW

Exactly. So, who knows Jake?

AYVA

He’s a Jock. Which makes him semi-popular. He has English with my cousin’s best friend’s

sister’s next-door neighbor.

(Handing DREW a paper)

I’ll have her pass him this note.

DREW

(Reading)

“Do you like Alison? Yes or No. Check a box.” What is this? Elementary school? “Check this

box” notes are out! I swear I don’t know why you’re popular.

AYVA

Sorry.

13

CHLOE

Maybe one of us could just walk up to him and ask him who he likes. Harper could do it.

HARPER

No way! If I did that then he might think I’m the one that likes him!

ALEX

I have an idea, instead of passing him a note, why don’t we have Ayva’s cousin’s best friend’s

sister’s next-door neighbor just walk up to him and ask him who he likes?

DREW

That’s not gonna work either. I know Ayva’s cousin’s best friend’s sister’s next-door neighbor

very well, and she’s smart. She would never risk having Jake think that she likes him.

CHLOE

Maybe we need to get someone who’s not so smart.

ALEX

No one wants anyone outside of their clique to know who they like, no matter how dumb they

are.

HARPER

If that’s true, and we all know it is, we only have one option: We have to infiltrate Jake’s

clique… The Jocks.

AYVA

(Dramatically)

Infiltration. It’s the only way.

CHLOE

But who’s gonna be the infiltrator?

DREW

If we’re making assignments here, we also need to find who Jace likes, who Miranda likes, who

Breanne likes and who Karlee likes.

CHLOE

And Melvin. We need to find out who Melvin likes.

DREW

Melvin? Who’s Melvin?

CHLOE

You know. Melvin?

(Pointing to the Nerd Table)

He sits over there at that table.

14

DREW

The nerd table? Melvin’s a nerd? Who would even care who Melvin likes?

CHLOE

(Guilty)

Well… No one… I guess. But there might be someone out there that, you know, might care.

(Looking at everyone staring at her)

But I’m sure they’re just nobodies and we don’t need their applause. Of course, if someone

should happen to… overhear who Melvin likes… we should probably… uh… you know… take

it into consideration.

ALEX

Let’s each take a clique and infiltrate.

DREW

(Pulling out a phone)

Alright. Remember, the leader of each clique is usually a Peripheral Preppie. I found some

directions on how to infiltrate a clique on my phone. Here it is. Cliqueinfiltration.com.

(Reading)

First, identify the clique you want to infiltrate and then locate that cliques lunch table.

AYVA

Alright, everyone pick a table.

CHLOE

(Quickly)

I got the Nerd Table!

(Looking at everyone staring at her)

Unless… someone else wants it.

DREW

Fine. Chloe gets the Nerd Table. Everyone else pick a table.

(Looking at phone)

It says, watch your clique’s table. When a clique member gets up to throw away their trash,

quickly take that seat, displacing that member. I’ll text you the rest of the directions.

They all turn and look at a table. CHLOE

watches the NERDS. AYVA watches the

JOCKS. ALEX watches the PRINCESSES.

HARPER watches the YOUTUBERS.

DREW watches the LOST. MYRTLE,

JORDAN, SKYLER, TIANA & DALLAS

all get up from their tables and take their

lunch trash to the garbage.

HARPER

Now!

15

The PREPPIES all run and take their places

at their tables. MYRTLE, JORDAN,

SKYLER, TIANA & DALLAS return to

find that their spots are taken. They tear up

and then each goes to an isolated spot and

sits on the floor, depressed.

DREW

(Reading aloud as she texts)

Now observe your table. The one who goes to sit with the displaced member is the leader of that

clique.

The PREPPIES pull out their phones and

read their texts. They watch their table.

DEX, ASHER, LOGAN, ELLA, and

JAZZ get up and go sit with the

displaced members and comfort them.

DREW

(Reading aloud as she texts)

The ones who remain at the table are the followers. While their leader is gone, quickly look him

or her up on Facebook and see what the clique likes to do for fun.

The PREPPIES all scan their phones.

DREW

(Reading aloud as she texts)

Now, do what you’ve learned from Facebook in front of the remaining clique members.

AYVA stands up on the Jock Table,

flexes her muscles and giving a long loud

roar. She does several body building poses.

AYVA

Sports in general are awesome!

The remaining JOCKS applaud. AYVA

sits. ALEX stands up on the Princess Table

and grabs one of the PRINCESS’S mirrors

and puts on lipstick and checks hair, primps,

etc.

ALEX

Someday my prince will come!

The remaining PRINCESSES applaud.

ALEX sits. HARPER stands up on the

YouTuber Table.

16

HARPER

Get your cameras ready!

The YOUTUBERS pull out their cameras

and point them at HARPER. HARPER runs

up behind the Jock Table and gives

TAYLOR a wet willey. TAYLOR reacts by

grabbing HARPER and throwing him/her

back to the Youtuber Table where she lands

sprawled out on the ground.

HARPER

(In pain)

Upload.

The remaining YOUTUBERS upload and

then applaud. HARPER sits. DREW stands

on the Lost Table.

DREW

(Dramatically)

Oh, dear! I’m not sure where I belong. I’m still trying to find myself. Maybe I like sports and

maybe I don’t. But maybe I like Band or Drama or Social Media or Clothes or Dungeons &

Dragons or being popular.

(Seeing that the LOST recognize her)

No, I’m not her. I just look like her. I am a lost soul who does not know who she is.

The remaining LOST MEMBERS applaud.

DREW sits. CHLOE stands on the Nerd

Table. She laughs a long nerdy laugh. She

pulls out a drawing and displays it.

CHLOE

You guys! Look at this mythical creature I drew. It has the head of a horse and the body of a

unicorn. What do you think Melvin?

MELVIN is amazed and starts clapping.

The other NERDS join in the applause.

CHLOE sits. DREW stands and texts.

DREW

(Speaking her text)

If they applaud, you’re in. Next, they should take you to their leader.

The REMAINING CLIQUE MEMBERS

adlib about how cool their “new clique

member” is and take them to the leaders and

17

the displaced members. The leaders stand

and look them up and down.

DREW

If the leader uses the phrases “Legit,” “Dope,” “Sick,” or “Awesome Sauce,” you’ve

successfully infiltrated the clique.

DEX, ASHER, LOGAN, ELLA, & JAZZ

Awesome Sauce!

The OTHER CLIQUE MEMBERS cheer.

THE PREPPIES

(Quietly to the leaders)

So, who do you like?

BELLA

Rotate!

Everyone rejoins their cliques at the next

table in the rotation. The JOCKS end up at

the Center Table. They have sports water

bottles with them. BELLA and ROSE step

close to the Jock Table.

ROSE

(To the audience)

By now you’ve realized that eating lunch is not the most important thing that happens in the

lunchroom. In fact, it’s only a minor part of it.

(Motioning to the JOCKS)

These are the Jocks.

BELLA

They’re closely related to the Preppies. Because they are good at sports, they’re popular but

they’re not really concerned about being popular because popularity is all opinion based.

ROSE

The one word to describe these guys is “competitive.” You’d never see these guys in a sport like

figure skating or gymnastics because the outcome depends on someone’s opinion.

BELLA

The winner in Football, baseball, and basketball, on the other hand, is based on whoever scores

the most points. They only play sports where the winner can be decided on the field or court and

not on some judge’s scorecard.

ROSE

This competitiveness, however, never stays on the field. It often pours over into lunch.

18

ROSE and BELLA go back to their table.

HAYDEN

I’m faster!

JORDAN

I’m faster!

HAYDEN

I’m faster!!

JORDAN

I’m faster!!

TAYLOR

Neither of you is faster because I’m faster!

CHIP

No, I’m faster!

ASHER

I’m faster!

ALL JOCKS

I’m faster!!!

HAYDEN

There’s only one way to settle this?

JORDAN

Whoever can say that they’re faster the most?

CHIP

Yep!

ALL JOCKS

(Super-fast)

I’m faster! I’m faster! I’m faster! I’m faster! I’m faster! I’m faster! I’m faster!

HAYDEN

Shut iiiiit!!! No! Not by saying it; by doing it!

ASHER

Oh yeah, that should’ve been fairly obvious.

HAYDEN

Line up!

19

The JOCKS stand up in a line facing the

audience, leaving their water on the table.

HAYDEN opens a backpack and distributes

a Twinkie to each of them.

TAYLOR

Oh, man! I hate Twinkies!

CHIP

Who hates Twinkies? They’re delicious!

TAYLOR

There’s something about that synthetic spongy texture that rubs my taste buds the wrong way.

JORDAN

A couple of months ago, Taylor, went on the Zipper ride at the City of Fun carnival.

ASHER

I love the Zipper.

JORDAN

So did Taylor. But it was right after eating an entire box of Twinkies. After the ride, there was

Twinkie upchuck all over everything and everyone. Since then, s/he hasn’t been able to go near

a Twinkie.

HAYDEN

Then why did you say you could eat one the fastest?

TAYLOR

I guess I hadn’t thought it through. But I am the fastest!

CHIP

I’m the fastest!

JORDAN

I’m the fastest!

ALL JOCKS

I’m the fastest!

HAYDEN

Knock it off! Here’s our chance to prove just who is the fastest. Everyone get ready.

They hold their Twinkies ready to open

except for TAYLOR.

TAYLOR

I think I’ll sit this one out.

20

HAYDEN

That’s fine. I knew you couldn’t eat a Twinkie, much less be the fastest one to do so.

TAYLOR

Fine! I will eat a Twinkie and I’ll be the fastest!

JORDAN

I predict that Taylor won’t even finish the Twinkie.

TAYLOR

(Preparing to open the Twinkie)

Oh, yeah?!

HAYDEN

On your marks. Get set. Go!

HAYDEN, JORDAN, ASHER & CHIP

open their Twinkies as fast as they can and

devour them. ASHER wins and throws up

his arms in Victory. TAYLOR opens the

Twinkie with the rest of them but when the

smell of the Twinkie hits, s/he gags. Then

tries holding nose and touching the Twinkie

with the tongue.

HAYDEN

Alright, Asher won that one.

ASHER

I told you I was the fastest.

CHIP

Look at Taylor, s/he can’t even take one bite!

TAYLOR

Can too!

JORDAN

Prove it!

ASHER

(Taunting)

It’s okay, Taylor. We understand, you’re just not as competitive as the rest of us. Winning just

isn’t in your blood.

TAYLOR

Fine!

21

TAYLOR takes a bite and slowly chews.

His/her face contorts, holds back a gag,

swallows hard, then shutters and makes

yucky noises.

HAYDEN

Only two bites to go.

CHIP

Asher may have been the fastest Twinkie eater. But I’m faster at hot sauce.

JORDAN

No, you’re not, I’m faster!

HAYDEN

I’m faster!

ASHER

I’m faster!

TAYLOR

I’m faster!

CHIP

It’s on!

(Pulling out hot sauce packets and distributing them)

This is a packet of Isabella’s Insanity Sauce. It’s the hottest hot sauce in the world. They don’t

sell it in bottles because that much Insanity Sauce in one place is just too dangerous. I got this

from my dad’s private hot sauce collection. He had to sign a waiver before they would sell it to

him. Once he had an old coin that was so grimy he couldn’t read the date. One day he

accidentally dropped it in some of Isabella’s Insanity Sauce. When he pulled it out the entire

coin was completely gone.

JORDAN

Let’s do this!

TAYLOR

Oh, man! I hate hot sauce!

CHIP

Who hates hot sauce? It’s delicious!

TAYLOR

There’s something about the feeling of thousands of tiny lava-hot needles that rubs my taste buds

the wrong way.

JORDAN

A couple of months ago, Taylor, went on the Zero Gravity ride at the City of Fun carnival.

22

ASHER

I love Zero Gravity.

JORDAN

So did Taylor. But it was right after eating a taco loaded with hot sauce. After the ride, there

was hot sauce spew all over everything and everyone. Since then s/he hasn’t been able to go

near any kind of hot sauce.

CHIP

(Taunting)

It’s okay, Taylor. You don’t have to play. You still have a half a Twinkie left.

TAYLOR

I’m in! Gimme that packet.

CHIP

Since squeezing a hot sauce packet into your mouth doesn’t take any time, this will be a race of

endurance. The Winner will be the last one to take a drink after eating the Insanity Sauce.

HAYDEN

You’re all going down!

CHIP

On your marks!

(They get ready to rip open their packet)

Get set!

(They rip a corner off their packet)

Go!

They each squeeze the packet into their

mouth except TAYLOR. ASHER, CHIP

HAYDEN & JORDAN contort their faces

because of the heat. TAYLOR touches the

packet to his/her tongue, screams and

retreats to the table and gulps down water.

One by one the others peel off to drink until

CHIP is the only one remaining. He throws

up his arms in victory and then drinks. They

all make a big deal about how their tongues

are burning.

JORDAN

Alright, Chip won that one, but… Hey, Taylor didn’t even squeeze the Insanity Sauce into his

mouth!

HAYDEN

Cheater!

23

ASHER

And we thought you were competitive!

TAYLOR

I’m gonna do it! Just watch!

TAYLOR hold the packet to his/her mouth

and hesitates. They wait, but s/he doesn’t

ever squeeze it.

JORDAN

This could be a while. Next competition! Lunchroom broccoli.

CHIP

The competition just got tougher.

TAYLOR

Oh, man! I hate broccoli!

CHIP

Who hates broccoli? It’s delicious and nutritious!

TAYLOR

There’s something about the way the tiny green pellets spread bitter yuckiness and attack my

taste buds the wrong way.

JORDAN

A couple of months ago, Taylor, went on the Vomitron 3000 ride at the City of Fun carnival.

ASHER

I love Vomitron.

JORDAN

So did Taylor. But it was right after eating a whole plate of boiled broccoli. After the ride, there

was broccoli regurgitant all over everything and everyone. Since then s/he hasn’t been able to go

near the lunchroom broccoli.

TAYLOR

I’m in! I’m gonna win this one!

HAYDEN

You still have half a Twinkie and an Insanity Sauce packet to eat.

TAYLOR

(Angry)

Bring on the broccoli!

24

JORDAN

(Handing everyone a sprig of broccoli)

First one to swallow it all wins. On your marks, get set, Go!

They eat the broccoli as fast as they can,

except TAYLOR just dangles it over his/her

mouth. HAYDEN wins and throws up arms

in victory. They congratulate him/her.

TAYLOR is still dangling the broccoli.

ASHER

Taylor, just give it up.

CHIP

So, you’re not the best at competitive eating.

TAYLOR

Yes, I am!

HAYDEN

You still have a Twinkie and hot sauce. You’ll never get it all eaten before the bell rings.

TAYLOR

Yes, I will!

TAYLOR holds out the Twinkie, smashes

the broccoli on top, then squeezes the hot

sauce onto it.

JORDAN

Taylor, no! It’s too dangerous. Don’t do it.

TAYLOR

Too late!

TAYLOR shoves the concoction in his/her

mouth. The others gasp. TAYLOR

squinches up his/her face, chews and

swallows.

ASHER

Take cover!

They all dive for cover. TAYLOR’S face is

contorted, then suddenly it relaxes. Eyes

open.

25

TAYLOR

That’s pretty good. Can I have some more?

CHIP

Rotate!

The groups rotate and the YOUTUBERS go

to the Center Table. RILEY pulls out a

camera and secretly films. BAILEY and

BOBBIE step up to the audience but away

from the YOUTUBERS.

BOBBIE

In case you forgot, those are the YouTubers.

BAILEY

We don’t wanna get too close or we might end up in one of their videos.

BOBBIE

They’re always trying to get a video to go viral.

BAILEY

A couple of weeks ago they tried to stay over-night in the school and film it.

BOBBIE

The video started with them in the gym at about an hour after school got out. They were hiding

under the bleachers.

BAILEY

But then they decided that they didn’t want to spend time in the school when they didn’t have to

and they went home.

BOBBIE

The video got five Likes.

(Looking at the YOUTUBERS)

I wonder who those likes were from.

BOBBIE and BAILEY return to their table.

RILEY

Hey, you guys! The ground is lava!

The other YOUTUBERS scream and get off

the ground as fast and anyway possible.

RILEY

Ha! That’s gonna go viral for sure.

26

They all come back.

LOGAN

Nah, none of our other lava videos went viral.

JAKE

Our barbequing in the toy section of Walmart video got 53 Likes.

RILEY

And banned us from Walmart forever.

LOGAN

I got an idea. What do you think would happen if I tripped someone?

(They all pull out their cameras ready to film.)

Relax. I’m just asking. We don’t wanna get banned from the lunch room, we’ll have no place

left to film.

SKYLER

Then let’s do a practice. Like, just to find out if it would be worth it. Jake, you walk by us and

Logan will trip you.

JAKE

Okay.

JAKE walks to the other end of the room.

SKYLER

(Tossing JAKE a book)

Here! Pretend your reading.

JAKE opens the book and walks. LOGAN

sticks a leg out and trips JAKE, who falls.

The book goes flying.

RILEY

It’s hilarious. Let’s film it for real.

LOGAN

It’s good, but it’s not viral good. I’d say only 30 Likes worth.

SKYLER

What if someone were coming from the other direction?

PARKER

I’ll do it!

PARKER goes to the opposite side and

JAKE grabs the book and resets.

27

SKYLER

Go!

JAKE opens the book and walks. LOGAN

sticks a leg out and trips him, the book goes

flying. PARKER walks and gets hit by

book.

LOGAN

Make it real, Parker. What would you say if you got hit by a book?

PARKER

Hey, who threw the book at me?!

SKYLER

Hilarious.

RILEY

Maybe 35 Likes. What would happen next?

LOGAN

Do it again and this time keep going? What would people say to each other if this happened?

Just go with it.

They reset and repeat. PARKER gets hit by

the book.

PARKER

Hey, who threw the book at me?!

JAKE

(Getting up and helping her)

I’m so sorry! I lost my footing and my book just flew out of my hands. Are you okay? Are you

hurt?

PARKER

(Liking what she sees)

Oh… no. It didn’t hurt at all. In fact, I like being hit by books.

JAKE

(It’s love at first sight)

You do?

PARKER

Sure. When their flung by the right person. I’m Parker. Hi.

28

JAKE

Parker? Wow. I’m Jake. Would you like to, maybe, go get an organic double-shot half almond

milk French roast decaf hot chocolate with two half pumps of hazelnut and a light dusting of

cinnamon?

PARKER

Absolutely.

LOGAN

So, it’s a love story?

JAKE

You said, “Just go with it.”

SKYLER

So, your random act of cruelty sparks a new romance. This is fun. What happens next?

LOGAN

You enter as some other random person.

SKYLER

(Taking skateboard to the opposite end from PARKER)

Got it. Start over!

JAKE and PARKER reset. JAKE walks,

LOGAN trips him, PARKER gets hit by

book.

PARKER

Hey, who threw the book?!

JAKE

(Getting up and helping her)

I’m so sorry! Are you hurt?

PARKER

(Liking what she sees)

I like being hit by books.

JAKE

(It’s love at first sight)

Wanna get an organic double-shot half almond milk French roast decaf hot chocolate with two

half pumps of hazelnut and a light dusting of cinnamon?

PARKER

Absolutely. I’ll meet you at 7-11.

29

SKYLER enters on skateboard with a paper

bag labeled “Volatile Chemicals” and

almost hits PARKER.

SKYLER

Watch it, Lady!

SKYLER runs into JAKE, and they both go

down. The paper bag falls too.

RILEY

What’s it say on the bag?

JAKE

(Picking up the bag)

Volatile Chemicals.

RILEY

What’s that mean?

PARKER

Volatile means unstable, unpredictable, or erratic.

LOGAN

Why would you be carrying a bag of volatile chemicals?

SKYLER

I figure I’m one of those delivery guys on a bicycle except on a skateboard.

LOGAN

In the lunchroom?

SKYLER

Maybe I’m on my way to deliver it to the science room.

LOGAN

I guess that’s plausible. Do it again, let’s see what happens next.

They reset. JAKE enters, LOGAN trips

him, PARKER enters and gets hit by book.

PARKER

I like being hit by books!

JAKE

(Getting up and helping her)

Sorry! Wanna meet at 7-11?

30

PARKER

Absolutely.

SKYLER enters on skateboard.

SKYLER

Watch it lady!

SKYLER runs into JAKE and they go down.

JAKE pick up the bag, opens it and puts his

face in it to see inside.

SKYLER

Wait! Don’t!

JAKE groans in agony and slowly slinks to

the ground.

JAKE

I’m melting! Melting!

RILEY

Why are you melting?

JAKE

They’re chemicals, I just thought that… don’t chemicals do that? They are volatile.

RILEY enters the scene.

RILEY

Hi, let me take a look at you. I’m a doctor.

JAKE

In the lunchroom?

RILEY

Yes. Uh, my son forgot his lunch today so I brought it to him. Lucky timing.

(Examining JAKE)

I’m sorry to tell you this, but you only have three seconds to live.

LOGAN

Whoa! Whoa! You mean because I trip him he goes through all this and dies?

RILEY

You said, “just go with it.”

LOGAN

Start it again.

31

They reset. JAKE enters, LOGAN trips

him, PARKER enters and gets hit by book.

PARKER

Let’s meet at 7-11!

SKYLER enters on skateboard.

SKYLER

Watch it lady!

SKYLER runs over JAKE, who then picks

up the bag, opens it.

SKYLER

Wait! Don’t!

JAKE groans in agony and slinks.

JAKE

I’m melting volatilely!

RILEY

Hi, I’m a doctor. I’m sorry but you only have three seconds to live. One, two—

(JAKE dies.)

I mean two seconds.

JAKE

(Sitting up and moaning)

Brains!

RILEY

Zombie! Run for your lives!

JAKE gets up and bites Parker who screams.

LOGAN

(Skeptical)

Hold it! You mean that if I trip somebody, one thing will lead to another and cause a zombie

apocalypse?

(Excited)

That would totally go viral! Let’s do it for real. Everyone get your cameras ready.

The YOUTUBERS sit at their table and pull

out their cameras and phones to record.

RILEY

Here comes someone! Trip ‘em good, Logan.

32

JORDAN enters reading a book. LOGAN

trips JORDAN who gets up and grabs

LOGAN by the collar and flings him/her

across the room. ARIEL enters and

LOGAN bumps into her. ARIEL headbutts

LOGAN and then shoves him/her to the

other side where BAILEY has entered.

LOGAN runs into BAILEY. BAILEY kick

him/her in the shins, then spins LOGAN

around and shoves him/her the other way

and right into MELVIN. MELVIN pokes

him/her in the eye. LOGAN can’t see and

runs into the back of HAYDEN, who runs

into CHLOE sending her into the arms of

MELVIN. Romantic music plays.

EVERYONE

Awwweee!

MELVIN faints. CHOLE turns and slaps

LOGAN. LOGAN falls in front of the

YouTuber’s Table.

YOUTUBERS

Upload!

LOGAN

(Getting up)

Rotate!

Everyone goes back to their group at the

next table in the rotation. The

PRINCESSES go to the Center Table.

PARKER and SKYLER step out.

PARKER

Everyone knows this table as the Princess Table.

SKYLER

We call them Princesses because they look like Princesses.

PARKER

It’s all about image with them.

SKYLER

They always look good. They have lots of accessories and their hair is… well, their hair is either

the light of their life or the bane of their existence.

33

PARKER

I wonder what it is today.

PARKER and SKYLER go back to their

table.

ELLA

(Pulling a book from her backpack)

This is outrageous! Look at this.

ELLA Throws the book on the table.

ARIEL

(Picking up the book and reading)

“101 Blonde Jokes.” So?

ELLA

So, we’re blonde! Well, not all of us right now but at some time we have all been or will be in

the future, blonde!

ROSE

Blonde jokes have been around for years. Why you throwing a fit about it now, Ella?

ELLA

I’ll tell you why, Rose.

(Pulling another book out and throwing it on the table)

Because of this!

ARIEL

(Picking up the book and reading)

“101 Polack Jokes.” That’s weird. What’s a Polack?

BELLA

Oh, come on, Ariel. A Polack is a person from Poland. But I think they’re called Poles now.

TIANA

Then what is a Polack joke?

ELLA

Thank you for asking, Tiana. Open that book and read what I’ve marked.

ARIEL

(Opening and reading)

Why did the Polack climb the chain link fence?

TIANA

Why?

34

ARIEL

(Reading)

To see what was on the other side.

TIANA

Ha! That’s a good one?

BELLA

But why is it a Polack? Shouldn’t it be a blonde?

ELLA

Now read the one I marked in the Blonde Joke book.

ARIEL

(Opening the Blonde book and reading)

Why did the Blonde climb the chain link fence?

ROSE

It’s the same joke!

ELLA

Exactly.

TIANA

So, what’s the answer?

They give TIANA a look.

ROSE

Where did you get this Polack book? It looks old.

ELLA

I found it in my Grandpa’s bookshelf.

ARIEL

Are there more jokes that are the same?

ELLA

All of them. How many Polack’s does it take to screw in a light bulb? Why did the Polack

cross the road? How do you get a one-armed Polack out of a tree? And so on, and so forth.

They’re all there.

BELLA

So, blonde Jokes used to be Polack Jokes?

ELLA

That’s right! Somebody’s just used the same joke book and slapped a different cover on it.

35

ROSE

Swapping the word Polack for Blonde. You’re right, Ella, this is outrageous.

TIANA

Use a ladder?

ARIEL

What?

TIANA

That’s how to get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? Use a ladder?

ELLA

No, no. You simply wave to her.

TIANA

Oh.

They all try not to laugh.

ROSE

(Snickering)

That’s not funny at all.

ELLA

The point is, people used to think Polacks were the dumb ones, not us… I mean blondes.

BELLA

Why did they think the Polish were dumb?

ELLA

I asked my grandpa about that. He said that it all started with the Nazis. They spread their

propaganda throughout Europe that Polish people had subhuman intelligence, dehumanizing

them, so that no one would mind if they invaded them. Then the Soviet Union thought that was

a good idea and kept the propaganda going so that they could invade them too. Then the Soviet

sympathizers in Hollywood made fun of the Polish people in movies, TV, and…

(Holding up the book)

Joke books!

The PRINCESS all gasp.

ARIEL

So, one book is Nazi propaganda and the other is about us… I mean blondes.

TIANA

You know what would be terrible? If you were a blonde Polack.

36

ROSE

How did it switch? How did we end up being the target of some ancient Nazi propaganda

campaign?

ELLA

I think I know. I believe the Poles put forth a propaganda campaign of their own. They sent out

over 50 million blonde-joke emails, and have saturated social media with “Blondes are dumb”

witticisms and humorous anecdotes.

(Looking at phone)

And look at the titles of these books I found online. “The Best Blonde Jokes in the World” by

Dr. Smart Polack, and “Blondes Are Dumber Than Polacks” by Polack Smarty Pants, and

“How to Make the Transition From Polack jokes to Blonde Jokes – For Dummies.”

TIANA

Oh, I have that one! It’s pretty good.

BELLA

So, the Poles are behind this. They’ve successfully transitioned the world from Polack jokes to

blonde jokes.

ARIEL

It would seem so. And by successfully deflecting the Nazi propaganda onto us, they’ve proven

that they are actually very intelligent.

ELLA

We’re just as smart as the poles.

TIANA

Not according to Polack Smarty Pants.

ELLA

Yes, we are! That’s why we are going to do the same thing that they did to us to some other

group.

ROSE

You mean we’re gonna start our own campaign and make some other group the butt of the joke?

ELLA

Exactly! But which group should we target?

TIANA

How about the Einsteins?

BELLA

Einstein? As in Albert Einstein?

TIANA

Yeah, I guess.

37

ARIEL

Tiana, Einstein was a brilliant scientist.

TIANA

He couldn’t have been brilliant, because whenever I do something stupid, everyone says to me,

“Way to go, Einstein.”

ROSE

What about the nerds? Everyone likes to make fun of nerds.

BELLA

That’s not gonna fly. Ever since that T.V. show, The Big Bang Theory, nerds are the new cool

kids.

ARIEL

Preppies?

TIANA

Try it out.

ARIEL

Okay, why did the Preppie get excited when she finished her jigsaw puzzle in nine months?

Because the box said, “For 2 to 4 years.”

None of them laugh.

ELLA

It doesn’t make sense.

ARIEL

Let me try again. Why did the Blonde get excited when she finished her jigsaw puzzle in nine

months? Because the box said, “For 2 to 4 years.”

They all try not to laugh.

ROSE

(Snickering)

That’s a good one!

ELLA

Preppies must not be a good group to make fun of. What about Jocks, or the YouTubers, or…

(Pointing to the Lost Table)

…those guys! Try one of them.

ARIEL

Okay. What did “those guys” name their pet zebra?

38

ELLA

You can’t use “those guys” in the joke!

BELLA

Yeah, it has to be a real name that people call other people.

TIANA

Like blondes?

ELLA

Yes, like blondes but not blondes!

ROSE

What about Band Geeks?

TIANA

No, I got a better one! How about Spots?

ARIEL

There’s a group called the Spots?

TIANA

No, silly. That’s what “those guys” would name their pet zebra.

JAZZ stands up.

JAZZ

Hey, everyone! I’ve got one for you! What did Snow White say when her photos weren’t

ready? Someday my prints will come.

Everyone laughs. JAZZ sits.

ELLA

That’s it! We’ll target princesses!

ALL PRINCESSES

Yeah, princesses! They deserve to be the butt of the joke. They’ve got subhuman intelligence

anyway. Target them! Etc.

BELLA

Let’s start the campaign right now! We need to write some princess jokes.

TIANA

I got one! Why can’t Cinderella play soccer? She’s always running away from the ball! Ha, ha,

ha!

39

ELLA

No, no, no. Not real princesses! We’re talking about a group. People just call them princesses

because they really, really, really, care about how they look. They always wear nice clothes and

have lots of accessories and most of the time they’re blonde.

ROSE

Yeah, we just take the blonde jokes, take the word “blonde” out and replace it with “princess.”

ARIEL

Like, what did the “Princess” say when she looked in her box of Cheerios?

ELLA

Exactly!

ASHER walks by.

ASHER

Hey, princesses! You’re looking pretty princessy today.

ASHER goes back to his table.

ALL PRINCESSES

Hi, Asher!

BELLA

(With a love sigh)

I love when he calls me princess.

ALL PRINCESSES

Me too!

ELLA

Alright, let’s get to work! We gotta lot of blonde jokes to transform into princess jokes.

TIANA pulls out a box of Cheerios and

looks inside.

TIANA

You guys, look! Donut seeds!

TAYLOR

Rotate!

ALL THE GROUPS move to the last table

in the rotation. The LOST goes to the

Center Table. JAZZ stands and approaches

the audience.

40

JAZZ

Hi, I’m JAZZ. I’ll be introducing our group. We don’t have anyone to introduce us because

they don’t know what to say about us. We’re lost; meaning we don’t know what group we fit

into. I don’t know if that’s good or bad, but one thing I do know is that we don’t know who we

want to be. Perhaps if I introduce you to someone, you’ll understand. This is AIDEN.

(AIDEN stands.)

I thought Aiden was so cool that, naturally, I wanted to be like him/her. So, I tried to do

everything like Aiden. First, I tried to walk like him/her.

AIDEN walks around the room in his/her

own way. JAZZ follows and copies

AIDEN’S walk. They stop.

JAZZ

I tried to talk like Aiden.

AIDEN

(Waving to someone)

Hey, man! Hididdleedee!

JAZZ

(Imitating)

Hey, man! Hididdleedee!

(To audience)

I even tried to laugh like Aiden

AIDEN laughs in his/her own way. JAZZ

copies the laugh.

JAZZ

That’s not all. I bought the same brand of clothes as Aiden, I tried to do my homework like

Aiden. I even tried to comb my hair like Aiden.

AIDEN

But what Jazz didn’t know was that I wanted to be like Bailey.

(Bailey approaches)

I thought Bailey was so cool that I tried to walk like her/him.

BAILEY walks around the room in his/her

own way. AIDEN & JAZZ follow. AIDEN

copies BAILEY and JAZZ copies AIDEN.

They stop.

AIDEN

I tried to talk like Bailey.

41

BAILEY

(Waving to someone)

Hey, man! Hididdleedee!

AIDEN & JAZZ

(Imitating)

Hey, man! Hididdleedee!

AIDEN

I even tried to laugh like Bailey.

BAILEY laughs in his/her own way.

AIDEN & JAZZ copy the laugh in

succession.

BAILEY

But what AIDEN didn’t know was that I wanted to be like Bobbie.

(Bobbie approaches)

Bobbie was so cool that I tried to walk like him/her.

BOBBIE walks around the room in his/her

own way. BAILEY, AIDEN & JAZZ

follow. BAILEY copies BOBBIE, AIDEN

copies BAILEY, and JAZZ copies AIDEN.

They stop.

BAILEY

I tried to talk like Bobbie.

BOBBIE

(Waving to someone)

Hey, man! Hididdleedee!

BAILEY & AIDEN & JAZZ

(Imitating)

Hey, man! Hididdleedee!

BAILEY

I even tried to laugh like Bobbie.

BOBBIE laughs in his/her own way.

BAILEY, AIDEN & JAZZ copy the laugh

in succession.

BOBBIE

But what Bailey didn’t know was that I wanted to be like Dallas.

(Dallas approaches)

Dallas was so cool that I tried to walk like him/her.

42

DALLAS walks around the room in his/her

own way. BOBBIE, BAILEY, AIDEN &

JAZZ follow. BOBBIE copies DALLAS,

BAILEY copies BOBBIE, AIDEN copies

BAILEY, and JAZZ copies AIDEN. They

stop.

BOBBIE

I tried to talk like Dallas.

DALLAS

(Waving to someone)

Hey, man! Hididdleedee!

BOBBIE, BAILEY, AIDEN & JAZZ

(Imitating)

Hey, man! Hididdleedee!

BOBBIE

I even tried to laugh like Dallas.

DALLAS laughs in his/her own way.

BOBBIE, BAILEY, AIDEN & JAZZ copy

the laugh in succession.

DALLAS

But what Bobbie didn’t know was that I wanted to be like Hayden.

HAYDEN

(Hayden stands at the Jock table)

Me? I guess I can understand that.

HAYDEN approaches.

DALLAS

I thought Hayden was so cool that I tried to walk like him/her.

HAYDEN walks around the room in his/her

own way. DALLAS, BOBBIE, BAILEY,

AIDEN & JAZZ follow. DALLAS copies

HAYDEN, BOBBIE copies DALLAS,

BAILEY copies BOBBIE, AIDEN copies

BAILEY, and JAZZ copies AIDEN. They

stop.

DALLAS

I tried to talk like Hayden.

43

HAYDEN

(Waving to someone)

Hey, man! Hididdleedee!

DALLAS, BOBBIE, BAILEY, AIDEN & JAZZ

(Imitating)

Hey, man! Hididdleedee!

DALLAS

I even tried to laugh like Hayden.

HAYDEN laughs in his/her own way.

DALLAS BOBBIE, BAILEY, AIDEN &

JAZZ copy the laugh in succession.

HAYDEN

But what Dallas didn’t know was that I wanted to be like Alex.

ALEX

(Standing)

But what Hayden didn’t know was that I wanted to be like Dex.

DEX

(Standing)

But I wanted to be like Rose.

ROSE

(Standing)

But I wanted to be like Parker.

PARKER

(Standing)

But I wanted to be like Drew.

DREW

(Standing)

But I wanted to be like Asher.

ASHER

(Standing)

But I wanted to be like Logan.

LOGAN

(Standing)

But I wanted to be like Milt.

44

MILT

(Standing)

But I wanted to be like Ella.

ELLA

(Standing)

But I wanted to be like Chloe.

CHLOE

(Standing)

But I wanted to be like Melvin.

MELVIN

(Standing)

But I wanted to be like Chip.

CHIP

(Standing)

But I wanted to be like Ariel.

ARIEL

(Standing)

But I wanted to be like Myrtle

MYRTLE

(Standing)

But I wanted to be like Harper.

HARPER

(Standing)

But I wanted to be like Taylor.

TAYLOR

(Standing)

But I wanted to be like Riley.

RILEY

(Standing)

But I wanted to be like Bella.

BELLA

(Standing)

But I wanted to be like Trudy.

TRUDY

(Standing)

But I wanted to be like Jake.

45

JAKE

(Standing)

But I wanted to be like Jordan.

JORDAN

(Standing)

But I wanted to be like Tiana.

TIANA

(Standing)

But I wanted to be like Skyler.

SKYLER

(Standing)

But I wanted to be like Ayva.

AYVA

But what Skyler didn’t know was that I wanted to be like… Jazz.

JAZZ

What?! Me? But… I had no idea.

EVERYONE sits at their tables as ASHER

and AYVA step forward.

ASHER

Well, that’s our middle school lunchroom.

AYVA

If you come back next week, it might look completely different. But there still won’t be a Chick-

Fil-A!

ASHER

There’re a lot of groups out there. And if you haven’t found who you are, well, I’ve said it

before and I’ll say it again… what’s the hurry?

BLACKOUT.