middle school excerpt july11(1)
TRANSCRIPT
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and Chris Tebbetts
Illustrated by Laura Park
Little, Brown and Company
New York Boston
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CHAPTER 1
Im Rafe Khatchadorian,Tragic Hero
It eels as honest as the day is crummy that Ibegin this tale o total desperation and woewith me, my pukey sister, Georgia, and Leonardo
the Silent sitting like rotting sardines in the
back o a Hills Village Police
Department cruiser.
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Now, theres a pathetic amily portrait you
dont want to be a part o, believe me. More on the
unortunate Village Police incident later. I need towork mysel up to tell you that disaster story.
So anyway, ta-da, here it is, book ans, and all
o you in need o AR points at school, the true
autobio o my lie so ar. The dreaded middle school
years. I youve ever been a middle schooler, youunderstand already. I youre not in middle school
yet, youll understand soon enough.
But lets ace it: Understanding meI mean,
really understanding me and my nutty lieisnt
so easy. Thats why its so hard or me to fnd
people I can trust. The truth is, I dont know who I
can trust. So mostly I dont trust anybody. Except
my mom, Jules. (Most o the time, anyway.)
So . . . lets see i I can trust you. First, some
background.
Thats me, by the way, arriving at prisonalsoknown as Hills Village Middle Schoolin Juless
SUV. The picture credit goes to Leonardo the
Silent.
Getting back to the story, though, I do trust one
other person. That would actually be Leonardo.
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Also, Mrs. Ida Stricker, the
vice principal. Idas pretty
much in charge o everybreath anybody takes at
HVMS.
Thats Georgia, my super-
nosy, super-obnoxious,
super-brat sister,whose only
good quality is that she
looks like Jules might
have looked when she
was in ourth grade.
There are more on
my list, and well get
to them eventually.
Or maybe not. Im not
exactly sure how this
is going to work out.As you can probably
tell, this is my frst
ull-length book.
But lets stay on the subject ous or a little bit.
I kind o want to, but how do I know I can trust
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you with all my embarrassing personal stulike
the police car disaster story? What are you like?
Inside, what are you like?Are you basically a pretty good, pretty decent
person? Says who? Says you? Says your rents?
Says your sibs?
Okay, in the spirit o a possible riendship
between usand this is a huge big deal or meheres another true conession.
This is what I actually looked like when I got to
school that frst morning o sixth grade.
We still riends, or are you
out o here?
Hey dont go all right?
I kind o like you.
Seriously. You know how
to listen, at least. And
believe me, Ive got quite
the story to tell you.
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Chapter 2
THE MIDDLE SCHOOL/MAX SECURITY PRISON
Okay, so imagine the day your great-great-grandmother was born. Got it? Now go backanother hundred years or so. And then another
hundred. Thats about when they built Hills Village
Middle School. O course, I think it was a prison or
Pilgrims back then, but not too much has changed.
Now its a prison or sixth, seventh, and eighth
graders.
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wrong thing to say when Miller put one o his
XXXL paws around my neck and
started liting me like ahundred-pound dumbbell.
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I usually like to keep my head attached to my body,
so I went ahead and stood up like he wanted me to.
Lets try that again, he said. This is my seat.Understand?
I understood, all right. Id been in sixth grade or
about our and a hal minutes, and I already had a
uorescent orange target on my back. So much or
blending in.And dont get me wrong. Im not a total wimp.
Give me a ew more chapters, and Ill show you
what Im capable o. In the meantime, though, I
decided to move to some other part o the room.
Like maybe somewhere a little less hazardous to
my health.
But then, when I went to sit down again, Miller
called over. Uh-uh, he said. That ones mine too.
Can you see where this is going?
By the time our homeroom teacher, Mr. Rourke,
rolled in, I was just standing there wondering whatit might be like to spend the next nine months
without sitting down.
Rourke looked over the top o his glasses at me.
Excuse me, Mr.Khatch . . . Khatch-a . . . Khatch-a-
dor
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Khatchadorian, I told him.
Gesundheit! someone shouted, and the entire
class started laughing.Quiet! Mr. Rourke snapped as he checked
his attendance book or my name. And how are
you today, Rae? he said, smiling like there were
cookies on the way.
Fine, thanks, I answered.Do you fnd our seating uncomortable? he
asked me.
Not exactly, I said, because I couldnt really go
into details.
Then SIT. DOWN. NOW!
Unlike Miller the Killer, Mr. Rourke
defnitely has two sides, and Id
already met both o them.
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Since nobody else was stupid enough to sit right
in ront o Miller, that was the only seat let in the
room.And because Im the worlds biggest idiot
sometimes, I didnt look back when I went to sit
in my chair. Which is why I hit the dirt as I went
downall the way downto the oor.
The good news? Given the way things hadstarted o, I fgured middle school could only get
better rom here.
The bad news? I was wrong about the good
news.
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See what I mean?
Besides, i its true that a pictures worth a
thousand words, then my buddy Leo has more tosay than anyone Ive ever met. You just have to
know how to listen.
Bottom line, Leonardo the Silent is my best
riend, at Hills Village or anywhere else. And
beore his head gets too big to ft through the door,I should say theres not a whole lot o competition
or that title. Im not exactly what you might see in
the dictionary when you look uppopular.
Which brings me to the next thing that
happened that day.
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Chapter 4
RAH, RAH, RAH,YADA, YADA, YADA . . .
Ater homeroom theyd usually ship us o tofrst period, but today was special. Therewas going to be a Big! School! Assembly! to kick o
the year, and everyone was all excited about it.
O course, byeveryone, I mean everyone
but me.
They herded us all into the gym
and sat us down on the
bleachers. There was apodium on the oor with a
microphone, and a big sign
on the wall: welcome
to hvms ! ! !
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The principal, Mr. Dwight, got up and spoke
frst. Ater a speech that went something like
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. . . he brought out the cheerleaders, who brought
out the ootball, soccer, and cross-country teams,
who brought everyone to their eet, yelling
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Ater that part, Mrs. Stricker announced
that anyone who wanted to run or student
council representative should come down to themicrophone and address the assembly.
Five or six kids rom every grade stood up, like
theyd been expecting this. I guess Mr. Rourke
might have said something about it in homeroom,
but Id been too busy waiting or Miller to drive apencil through the back o my neck. I hadnt paid
attention to too much else.
They started with the sixth graders frst. We
heard rom two bozos who I didnt know, then a
guy named Matt Kruschik who ate his own boogers
until ourth grade, and then
Hi, everyone. Im Jeanne Galletta.
About hal o the sixth grade and even some o
the seventh and eighth graders started clapping
right away. She must have gone to Millbrook
Elementary, because Id never seen her beore. Iwent to Seagrave Elementary, where we chased
rats in gym class, and most o the kids got ree
lunch, including me.
I think Id be a good class representative
because I know how to listen, Jeanne said. And
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theres nothing more important than that.
I was listening, I was listening.
She was pretty, or sure. She had the kind oace that you just want to stare at or as long as
possible. But she also seemed kind o cool, like she
didnt think she was better than anyone else. Even
i she was.
I have a lot o good ideas or how to make theschool a better place, she goes on. But frst, I
want to do one thing.
She leaves the mike and comes over, right in
ront o where Im sitting. Then she looks straight
at me and says, Are you Rae?
Suddenly, Im eeling about as talkative as Leo,
but I manage to spit out an answer. Thats me,
I say.
Do you want to maybe split a large ries in the
caeteria later? she asks.
Sure. Im buying, I say, because theres atwenty-dollar bill in my pocket that I just ound
that morning.
No, she says. The ries are on me.
Meanwhile, everyones watching. The band
starts playing, the cheerleaders start cheering,
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and Miller the Killer chokes to death on a peanut
M&M. Then I win the lottery, world peace breaks
out everywhere, and Mrs. Stricker tells me thatbased on my all-around awesomeness, I can just
skip sixth grade and come back next year.
. . . so I hope youll vote or me, Jeanne was
saying, and everyone started clapping like crazy.
I never even heard most o her speech. But she
defnitely had my vote.
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Chapter 5
THOSE OH-SO-CRUEL RULES
The next girl to speak at assembly was LexiWinchester. I knew Lexi rom my old school,and she was a real nice kid. Still, Jeanne Galletta
had my vote. Sorry, Lex.
Once the speeches were over, I thought the
assembly was done too.
No such luck.
Mrs. Stricker came back to the microphone and
held up a little green book so everyone could see it.
Can anyone tell me what this is? Stricker said.Yeah, Miller the Killer mumbled somewhere
behind me. A complete waste o time.
This, Mrs. Stricker said, is theHills Village
Middle School Code of Conduct. Everything you
need to know about how to behave at schooland
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how not to behaveis right here in this book.
A bunch o teachers came around and started
handing out a copy to each student in the gym.When you receive yours, open up to page one
and ollow along with me, Stricker said. Then she
started reading . . . really . . . slowly.
Section One: Hills Village Middle School Dress
Code . . . When I got my copy, I ipped all the way to the
back o the book. There were sixteen sections and
twenty-six pages total. In other words, we were
going to be lucky to get out o this assembly by
Christmas.
. . . All students are expected to dress
appropriately or an academic environment. No
student shall wear clothing o a size more than two
beyond his or her normal size. . . .
HELP! Thats what I was thinking about
then. Middle school had just started, and theywere already trying to bore us to death.Please,
somebody stop Mrs. Stricker before she kills again!
Leo took out a pen and started drawing
something on the inside o the back cover. Stricker
turned to the next page and kept reading.
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Section Two: Prohibited Items. No student
shall bring to school any electronic equipment
not intended or class purposes. This includes cellphones, iPods, cameras, laptop computers. . . .
The whole thing went on and on.
And on.
And on.
By the time we got to Section 6 (Grounds orExpulsion), my brain was turning into guacamole,
and Im pretty sure my ears were bleeding too.
People always talk about how great it is to get
older. All I saw were more rules and more adults
telling me what I could and couldnt do, in the name
o whats good or me. Yeah, well, asparagus is good
or me, but it still makes me want to throw up.
As ar as I could tell, this little green book in
my hands was just one long list o all the ways
I couldand probably wouldget into trouble
between now and the end o the school year.Meanwhile, Leo was drawing away like the
maniac he is. Every time Stricker mentioned
another rule, he scribbled something else on the
page in ront o him. Finally, he turned it around
and showed me what he was working on.
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Chapter 6
EUREKA!
Did you ever hear the expression breakingevery rule in the book?That was it. That was my Big Idea. Break every
rule in the book. Literally.
The way I saw it, theHVMS Code of Conduct
could be my worst enemy here at school, or i I
played it right, I could turn it into my best riend.
Sorry, Leo. I mean my second-best riend.
All it would take was a little bit o work . . . and
a ton o guts. Maybe two tons.Leo knew exactly what I was thinking. The idea
had come rom his picture, ater all.
Go or it, he whispered. Just pick something
out o the book and get started.
Right now? I whispered back.
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Why not? What are you waiting or? he said,
and I guess the answer wastwo tons o guts.
I just kind o sat there, rozen, so Leo ippedopen the book or me and pointed to something on
the page without even looking down. When I saw
where his fnger landed, I almost started having a
heart attack.
I cant do that! I told him. What i someonegets hurt?
How does this hurt anyone? Leo said. Except
maybe you.
Somehow that didnt make me eel any better.
Listen, Leo told me, youre never going to be
one o those peoplehe pointed at all the student
council candidates and jocks and cheerleaders
sitting on chairs that had been set up on the gym
oor. But this, he said, thumping the rule book
with his pen, this is something you can do.
I dont know, I tried lamely.Or, Leo said, you can keep going the way youre
going, and every day can be just like this one. He
shrugged. It might not be so bad. There are only a
hundred and eighty school days in a year.
That did it. Okay, okay, I said, and even though
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my heart was pounding out The Star-Spangled
Banner, I got up and walked over to where one o
the prison guards (I mean, teachers) was standingby the gym door.
I need a bathroom pass, I told her.
You can wait, she said.
Section Eight! Stricker boomed over the
microphone. Were halway there!Please? I said, trying to look as much like a
pants-wetter as possible.
The teacher gave a big sigh, like she wished
shed been a lawyer instead. Okay, fve minutes,
she said.
Five minutes was more than enough. I went out
to the hall and into the boys bathroom while she
was still watching me. Then I counted to ten and
stuck my head out again.
Nobody was around. As ar as I knew, the whole
school was inside that gym. It was now or never.I sprinted up the hall, around the long way
behind the ofce, and then cut down another
hallway, through the caeteria, and into an empty
stairwell in the back. By the time I ound what I
was looking or, Id been gone only a minute or two.
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I stood there, staring at the little red box on the wall.
I could just hear Leo now, like he was right
there.Dont think about it. Just DO it!
I ipped the latch, opened the wire cage around
the alarm box, and put my fnger on the little
white handle inside. This was what you call the
point o no return. My mission, should I choose to
accept it . . . and all that.Stillwas I crazy? Was I completely nuts or
thinking I could pull this o?
Yes, I told mysel. You are.
Okay, I thought. Just checking.
And I pulled the alarm.
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could still hear her over the mike in the gym.
Everyone remain calm! Line up with your
teachers and proceed in an orderly ashion to thenearest exits.
Im not sure who she was talking to. It looked
like the whole school was already out here in the
hall. And in the parking lot. And on the soccer feld.
And on the basketball courts.I couldnt believe this was all because o me! I
kind o elt guilty about it, but it was kind o . . .
amazing. To be honest, only hal o that sentence is
true. It was more like I knew I should eel bad, but
I didnt.
Meanwhile, the fre alarm
was still blaring
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But it just sounded
to me like
When I ound Leo outside, he gave me a big,
double high fve. Thats one or execution and one
or the idea, he said.
I cant take all the credit, I told him. The idea
was hal yours.
Thats true, he said, and high-fved himsel.
Then he showed me his drawing again. Check it
out. I made some improvements.
I opened up my copy o the Code of Conduct
and turned to Section 11, Rule 3: Students shallnot tamper with smoke or fre alarms under any
circumstances.
Then I took Leos pen and drew a line right
through it. That elt pretty good too. One rule down
and . . . well, all the rest to go.
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Chapter 8
MY HOME PAGE
On the bus ride home that aternoon, everyonewas talking about my little fre drill. It wasa rush, sitting there and knowing they were all
talking about me.
O course, everything good has to come to an
end. Beore long, I was getting o the bus and
walking through the ront door o my house.
Meet my uture stepather, also known as
the low point o my day. His name is Carl,but we call him Bear. Two years ago, he was
just this customer at the diner where my mom
works. Now, somehow, Mom has a ring on her
fnger, and Bear lives here with us.
Thats Ditka, Bears lame excuse or a guard
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Like I saidlow point o my day.
Bear and Mom had just gotten engaged that
summer, over Fourth o July. Thats when Bearmoved in. Mom asked Georgia and me what we
thought about it beore she said yes, but what were
we going to tell her? Youre about to get engaged
to the worlds biggest slug? I dont think she
would have listened, anyway.Now Mom was working double shits at the
diner all the time just to make enough money, and
Bear was spending 99 percent o his time on our
couch, except maybe to go to the bathroom or to
collect his stupid unemployment check.
Bottom line? My mom was way too good or this
guy, but unortunately neither o them seemed to
know it.
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Chapter 9
CHECKTHIS OUT
So, this is what my roomlooks like. Its the oneplace at home I can kick back,
be by mysel, and do whatever
I want. Mom says I keep it too
messy, but the truth is, I just
have too much STUFF.
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Chapter 11
GEORGIA ON MY NERVES
About twelve seconds ater I slammed my door,Georgia came a-knocking. She knew betterthan to just barge in. At least Id trained her that
much.
Enter! I told her.
She came in and closed the door right behind
her. Whats going on? Why was he yelling like
that? Are you in trouble? she said.
In case youre wondering, Georgia is nine and
a hal years old, in ourth grade, and 100 percentinto everyone elses business.
Go away, I told her. I had work to do. A mission
to plan. Besides, since when do I need an excuse to
NOT want my sister around?
Just tell me what he said, she whined.
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Here. I gave her one o my pudding cups. He
said have a pudding cup, okay? Now get out.
She gave me a look that was like, Im notstupid, but okay, Ill take the pudding cup, and she
didnt ask any more questions.
Mostly, I cant stand Georgia, but I also didnt
want her to get stuck in the middle o anything
with me and Bear. She was still the kid in theamily, ater all.
Rae?
What? I said.
Thanks or the pudding cup.
Youre welcome. Now close the doorrom the
other side, I said, and turned my back on her like I
expected nothing short o obedience. A ew seconds
later, I heard her leave.
Finally, some peace and quiet! Now I could get
down to work and really fgure out where this
whole mission thing was going to take me next.
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Meanwhile I still had to fnish inventing this
thing.
I decided that every rule in theHills VillageMiddle School Code of Conduct should be worth a
certain number o points, depending on how hard
it was to break. O course, this meant I could get
into some serious trouble, so I decided to make
that worth a bunch o points too. And there wouldbe bonuses, or things like getting big laughs, or i
Jeanne Galletta saw what I did. Defnitely that!
I wrote it all down in a big grid, in one o the
spiral notebooks Mom got me or school. (What?
This was or school.)
Thats only part o it. There are a TON more
rules in the Code of Conduct than that 112 o
them, to be exactbut you get the idea.
Ater I was done writing it all down, I started
thinking maybe this whole thing needed some kind
o major ending. Like, i Operation R.A.F.E. wasgoing to get me through sixth grade, then I should
have something bigno, HUGEas a kind o
fnal challenge beore I could go on to the next level
(which was seventh grade).
Id get Leo to help me, and it would be worth
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hal a million pointsway more than anything
else. It had to be something everyone in school
would see, and everyone would remember longater I was gone. But also very high risk. Id have
toearn those big points.
I still didnt have any idea how I was going
to pull this whole thing o, but it almost didnt
matter. I just couldnt wait to start fguring it out.In actand please dont tell anyone I said this
or the frst time in my lie, I was actually looking
orward to going back to school.
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Chapter 13
OFF AND RUNNING
The next morning, Mom set two plates oscrambled eggs in ront o me and Georgiaand then sat down to watch us eat. She loves to
watch us eat, which I totally dont get. I mean, she
works at a diner. She watches people eat all day
long.
You were both asleep when I got home last
night, she said. Im dying to hear about the frst
day o school. Tell me everything!
I wanted to say, Defneeverything, but thatwould have been like putting up a neon sign that
read ihavesomethingtohide.
The thing is, I dont like to lie to Mom. I mean,
Ill do it i I have to, but she has enough to deal
with. So instead I shoved hal a piece o toast and a
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bunch o scrambled egg into my mouth and started
chewing as slowly as I could.
That meant Georgia went frst. Lucky or me,she talks a lot. I mean, a LOT. I Mom hadnt cut
her o, I might have gotten all the way out the
door without ever saying a word.
How about you, Rae? she asked when Georgia
fnally took a breath. What do you think o middleschool so ar?
Well, I said, its not as bad as I thought it was
going to be.
Like Leo says, not telling the whole truth isnt
the same thing as lying.
Moms eyes got all wide, like Id just sprouted a
second head or something.
Who are you, and what have you done with my
son Rae? she asked, joking around.
Im not saying I love it
No, but this sounds like a good start, Momsaid. Im proud o you, honey. You must be doing
something right. Whatever it is, just keep doing it.
Oh, I will, I told her, just beore I shoved some
more scrambled eggs into my big at not-quite-
lying mouth.
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Just breaking the rules by itsel wasnt going to cut
it. I needed something more. I needed a boost in
my game.I needed . . . (wait or it) . . .Leo-izing!
He caught up with me at my locker just beore
eighth-period English. And o course he knew right
away what I should do. Leo always does.
Youre just coasting, he said. I youre going toplay this game, then you need to really play it. So
Im going to change things up.
You? I said. Since when do you make the
decisions?
Since I came up with hal the idea or this
whole thing, he told me. Heres the deal. Its two
twenty-six. That means orty-nine minutes let
in the day. Thats how long Im giving you to earn
another thirty thousand points.
Thirty thousand? I said. That was more than
Id made in the last three days combined.Yep. Otherwise, you lose a lie, he said.
Hang on a second. Leo was going kind o ast,
even or Leo. I have . . . lives?
Sure, he said, like it was obvious. Three o
them, to be exact.
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And what happens i I didnt want to say it.
What happens i I lose all three lives?
Then youre a big loser, you dont get to fnishthe game, and the rest o the year will be about as
much un as a case o never-ending diarrhea, he
told me.
Oh, I said. Thats all, huh?
Leo shrugged. Gotta keep it interesting.Thats one thing about Leo. He defnitely knows
how to keep things interesting. I mean, its not like
just because he says something, I have to do it.
But what would you rather doplay this game by
yoursel or with your best riend?
Yeah, I thought so.
Okay, game on, I told him. I looked up at the
clock just as the eighth-period bell started to ring.
Thats orty-eight minutes and counting, Leo
said. Better get busy.
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Chapter 15
WRITE AND WRONG
I got to Ms. Donatellos English class with orty-seven and a hal minutes let in the day. The clockwas ticking . . . on my lie! (One o them, at least.)
Ater attendance, Donatello told us that we were
going to read parts oRomeo and Juliet aloud in
class. It was written by Mr. William Shakespeare,
who I believe is amous or writing the most boring
plays in the history o the universe.
This is a little advanced, Donatello told us.But I think you kids are up to it. Obviously, she
didnt know the frst thing about me.
Allison Prouty, who raises her hand or
everything, helped give out the scripts while
Donatello told us what parts we each had. When
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she got to me, she said, Rae, I think youd make
a fne Paris, and everyone in the room started
laughing, right at me.Paris? I asked. Why do I have to read a girls
part?
Paris is a boy, Donatello told me. Hes one o
Lord Capulets best men.
Yeah, well, he probably still wears tights, Isaid, but Donatello ignored me.
Listen to the language as we read through,
she told everyone. Notice how every line has
ten syllables. Notice the subtle rhyming. Thats
not easy to do. Nobody wrote like Shakespeare.
Nobody!
And I thoughthmmmm. Idea in progress,
please stand by.
Lets begin, Donatello said. Act One, Scene
One.
It turned out that this Paris guy (he really was aguy) doesnt come in until page 12. That was good.
It gave me time to work on my idea. Donatello
probably thought I was taking notes like Jeanne
Galletta and the other brainiacs, but I was actually
hot on the trail o those 30,000 points.
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Ten syllables per line? Check!
Rhyming? Check!
By the time we got to my part, there were only acouple o minutes let in class, but I was ready.
Act One, Scene Two, Donatello read. Lord
Capulet and Paris enter.
Jason Rice was Lord Capulet, and he had the
frst line. It went something like, But Montagueis bound as well as I, and blah, blah, blah. For
men so old as we to keep the peace, and blah,
blah, blah. (I told you it was boring.)
Now it was my turn. I put my paper over the
script and looked down like I was reading rom the
right place. Then, loud and clear, I read, Excuse
me, sir, theres dog poop on your shoe.
Rae! Donatello shouted, but not as loudly as
everyone else was laughing, so I kept going.
Your wife is ugly, and your daughter too.I think this play is stupid, so guess what?
Im out of here and you can kiss my
Thats as ar as I got beore Donatello the Dragon
Lady ripped the page right out o my hand.
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I knew I was in trouble, but Ill tell you this
much: It was totally worth it. Everyone besides
Donatello was still laughing, including JeanneGalletta.
Yes!
And the thing was, nobody was laughing at me
anymore. Now they were laughing with me. Thats
like the dierence between night and day. Or wetand dry.
Or in this case, losing and winning.
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Chapter 16
THIN ICE IS BETTERTHAN NO ICE AT ALL
Donatello didnt have to tell me to stay aterclass. It kind o went without saying. Onceeveryone was gone, she gave me a real talking-to.
What was that about, Rae? she asked.
Nothing, I told her.
It wasnt nothing, she said. First o all, let
me say that I noticed you kept Mr. Shakespeares
meter and rhyme in what you wrote
Thanks! I said.but your behavior was completely unaccept-
able. There are much better ways to use your
creativity, and I think you know it.
I nodded a lot while she talked. It seemed like
the right thing to do.
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Im going to give you a warning this time,
Donatello said, but youre skating on very thin ice.
Understood?
Nod, nod, nod, nod . . .
I didnt hear a whole lot o what she said. All I
could think about was:
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That was 35,000 points or the day. Id taken
Leos challenge and blown it out o the water. Even
better, I now knew or a act that Jeanne Gallettaknew I existed. Thats what you call progress!
As I was leaving, Donatello said, I hope youve
learned a lesson, Rae.
Defnitely, I told her. A really good one.
And the lesson was this: There were two ways toplay Operation R.A.F.E.the boring way and Leos
way.
Oh, and I also learned that Leo the Silent is a
genius.
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Chapter 17
NEW RULE
When I got home that aternoon, I wentstraight to my room with Leo, and westarted putting everything that had happened
so ar into my Operation R.A.F.E. notebookthe
rules Id broken, the points Id earned, and even
some o Leos pictures, to document the whole
thing.
We were just messing around, minding our own
business, when I heard Bear start to roar rom
down the hall.WHAT ARE YOU DOING? he yelled.
Then I heard Georgia. Nothing, she said. I just
wanted to
Im watching that! Dont change the channel.
But you were sleeping!
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No buts! he yelled. You can watch the game
with me, or you can get out o here. Whats it going
to be? A second later I heard ootsteps, and thenGeorgias bedroom door slammed.
I hated when he yelled at her like that, even
more than when he yelled at me. Shes just a
little kid and heswell, hes kind o like a little
kid too, but the biggest, meanest little kid youever saw.
Pick on someone your own size! I yelled down
the hall.
Mind your own beeswax, Bear said back, and
turned up the volume on the TV. It wasnt even
worth trying to argue.
You know what? Leo said as soon as I closed
my door. We need a new rule.
I was just thinking the same thing, I said.
Nobody should get hurt rom me playing
Operation R.A.F.E.Especially little kids, Leo added.
And I agreed. I mean, i Miller the Killer
accidentally landed in the paper shredder, I wasnt
going to cry about it. But otherwise
Call it the Dont Be a Bear Rule, Leo said.
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68
How about just the No-Hurt Rule? I said.
Good enough, Leo said, and I wrote that down
in the notebook too.
Im not saying Im some kind o saint. Im
not even saying this made me a better person,
whatever that means. (Im still trying to fgure that
one out.) But i putting the No-Hurt Rule into the
game could make me even a little bit less like Bear,
then I was all or it.
Because Bear was all about hurting.
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These are the caeteria ladies. I call them Millie,
Billie, and Tilly. I think theyre part o a
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government program to get rid o the middle school
population in this country, one lunch at a time.
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This is my Spanish teacher, Seor Wasserman.
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Hes okay as long as you dont make any mistakes,
but i you dowatch out!
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Mr. Lattimore is the gym teacher,
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and Im not kidding when I say that nobody ever
told him he wasnt in the army anymore.
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That last one put me over the top. Mr. Lattimore
didnt think the old scooter switch was very unny.
(O course, Lattimore had his sense o humorsurgically removed in 1985.) He gave me thirty
push-ups, two extra laps, and . . . ta-da! . . . my very
frst detention.
I mean, its not like I wanted detention, but at
least now I got something out o it.
I guess you could say I was on a roll. Even when
I got home that day, I was lucky. There was a
message on the machine rom Mrs. Stricker, telling
Mom to call the school. That wasnt the lucky part
(duh). The lucky part was when I got to it frst and
accidentally-on-purpose hit the erase button.Mom was at work, Bear was asleep, and Georgia
was digging a hole to Australia, or all I knew. As
long as nobody had planted any secret cameras
around the house (hey, you never know), then I was
going to be fne.
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a million times, but Ditka still alls or it. He
pounced on that cheese like it was the last meal on
earth, and I just closed the door and walked away.Problem solved.
Next, I went out to the garage and snuck a can
o Zoom out o Bears not-as-much-o-a-secret-as-
he-thinks-it-is stash. He keeps cases and cases o it
out there, just or himsel, but he never notices i aew are missing.
Zoom tastes like chocolate and Coke mixed
together, and it has about eight cups o caeine
in every can, which youd never know, since Bear
sleeps so much o the time. I drink mine out o a
travel mug, just in case, so he wont see what it is i
he wakes up.
Ater that came the really dangerous part. I
tiptoed over to where Bear was sleeping and pried
his fngers o the TV remote, one by one. Then
I verycarefully slid the remote out o his hand.Its kind o like deusing a bomb. I it goes wrong,
theres a big explosion and everything gets ruined.
But i notsweet! Its the only time I ever get to
watch what I want.
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79
I sured around and ound a pretty decent
movie, about a guy trying to escape rom an island
prison by oating away on a rat made out o
coconuts. I really wanted to see him do it, but I
must have allen asleep beore it was over. Next
thing I knew, Mom was waking me up, and there
was some kind o inomercial on the TV.
Rae, sweetie? Time to go to bed.
I could smell the apple pie and cinnamon on
her uniorm. She always smells like that when shecomes back rom the diner. When Im lucky, she
brings some home, and we get to have apple pie or
breakast the next morning.
Mom put an arm around me and walked me
back to my room.
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Chapter 20
MILLER THE KILLERRUINS DETENTION DAY
My good luck lasted or another our days,fteen hours, and (approximately) twenty-two minutes.
It was Wednesday right ater school, and I was
on the way to my frst detention. Everyone else
was gone or the day, so the hall was empty, and
even though it didnt seem like a
mistake to stop or a drink
o water . . . it was.
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I barely got a sip beore I elt Millers XXXL
paw on the back o my neck. Suddenly my ace was
wiping the bottom o that ountain, and I was justtrying not to eat the piece o gum someone had let
there.
Well, well, Miller said. Look who it is.
He pulled me up and slammed my back into the
wall. Then he got right up in my ace. I could seethe Cheetos in his teeth.
Seems like youre getting a reputation around
here, Miller said. Whats your deal, anyway?
I dont know what youre talking about, I said.
My heart was going or some kind o world speed
record by now. I wanted to just start swinging, but
it doesnt take a genius to know that fve-six and
150 pounds beats fve-one and a hundred pounds
every single time. Miller could have turned me
inside out beore I got o the frst punch.
Listen. He twisted up my shirt in his fst. Youwant to prove youre the baddest kid in school?
Im not trying to prove anything, I said.
Too late, he said, and stepped back. You and
me. Outside. Right now.
Um . . .
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He held up a fnger in my ace. One.
Ummmm . . .
Then another fnger. Two.Thats when I remembered
I cant! I said.
Why not? Miller said. Chicken?
No. Detention!
I saw my hole and went or it, right under hisarm and up the hall.
Detention? I heard him say. This is
exactly what Im talking about. Im onto you,
Khatchadorian! You better watch your back
beore you catch-a-door in the ace! You can run
I was running, all right, straight to Ms.
Donatellos room.
but you cant hide! Miller shouted.
And he was probably right. Unless Hills Village
Middle School had a witness protection program, I
was dead meat.Man, I hated Miller.