Men, Women and Relationships

Jane Freeman, LISW

Akron, Ohio

Points to consider

• Men and women are more alike than they are different.

• Woman really want to be married to women in men’s bodies.

• The job of the male of the species is to get their seeds into the next generation; the job of the female of the species in to raise the young to maturity

Women• Feelings • Relationships• Affiliation• Character first• Integration of love

and lust

Men• Thoughts• Things• Accomplishments• Attraction first• Love and lust not

necessarily related

Is it all a matter of

X or Y?

What are nature’s differences?

• Size of the brain

• Density of the gray matter

• Transfer of information between spheres (via the corpus callosum); women’s “cc” is larger, but these results are not consistent

Common patterns of relating

MEN

Physical

Action

Fix

Forget

Instrumentality

accomplishment

WOMEN

Verbal

Attend

Empathy

Remember

expressiveness

Androcentrism

• Good on details• Follows through

• Assertive• Stands firm• “Man of the world”• Not afraid to say what he

thinks• Close-mouthed• Exercises authority• Climber the ladder of success• Stern task-master

• Picky• Doesn’t know when to quit• Pushy• Rigid• “She’s been around”• Outspoken and opinionated• Secretive• Power crazy• Sleeps her way to the top

• Difficult to work for

Gender & Behavior

• Male & Female Stereotypes– Androcentrism persists: stereotypes based on:

• Instrumentality (men) vs. expressiveness (women)• Since 1980s, stereotypes less rigid• Male stereotypes more complimentary

• Gender Similarities and Differences– Cognitive

• Verbal and math differences small• Spatial perception favors males

– Personality• Small differences in self-esteem• Physical vs. verbal & relational aggression• Sexual attitudes

– Men want sex more often– Women connect sex & intimacy– Aggression & sex for men– Women’s attitudes shaped by culture and situational factors

• Communication– Women more tentative in speech– Women skilled in non-verbal communication

• Gender Similarities & Differences (continued)– Disorders

• Anti-social, alcoholism and drug related problems more in men

• Depression & anxiety more common with women• Women’s illnesses a turning ‘inward’; men illnesses are

turning “outward”

– Greater variability within sexes as opposed to between sexes

– Gender variability prone to appearing and disappearing according to cultural norms: i.e., “….what's expected of me?

• Biological Origins– Evolutionary Origins?

• Men’s biological sexual behavior more active & permissive related to having multiple partners

– Brain “Organization”• Left brain for verbal & math; right for visual/spatial orientation• Corpus callosum? Intra-brain communication

– Hormones• Pre-natal exposure influences orientation• Sex and Aggressive behavior: testosterone a factor, but

“chicken & egg “ factor possible

• Environmental Influences– Socialization & Gender Roles

• Processes– Reinforcement & Punishment– Observational Learning– Self-Socialization (gender schema=self-concept)

• Sources of Influence– Parents– Peers (4-12 stick with same gender); boys roam; girls

stick closer to home– Schools-treatment of boys vs. girls varies– Media (shows, video games, cartoons & commercials)

• Gender Roles– Male Role Expectations

• Achievement• Aggression• Autonomy• Sexuality

– Today, changing emphasis on • Economic achievement vs. physical strength• Organizational power vs. aggressiveness• Self-control vs. emotional inexpressiveness

• Gender Roles (continued)– Problems for men:

• Pressure to succeed

• The difficulty with “tender” emotions

• Sexual problems: e.g., confusion between intimacy and sex; homophobia

• Gender Roles (continued)– Role Expectations for Women

• Marriage mandate (see Newsweek article June 2006)• Motherhood mandate• Work outside of home

– Problems for Women• Diminished career aspirations: ability/achievement gap• Multiple role juggling (60% work outside of home; most women still do all or

most of housework)• Ambivalence towards sexuality: fear of pregnancy; menstruation; passive

role or feeling shame; focus on romance• Sexism persists in the workplace: jobs & differential treatment at work• Aggressive behavior towards women: harassment in general with associated

social costs

• Future Gender Roles?– Division of labor (m/f) function diminishing: no need– Traditional roles no longer make practical sense– Strong identity with traditional roles is often a source of negative

outcomes: strain of conformance in marriages particularly evident– Androgyny: m/f characteristics in all of us

• Bem’s analysis of androgynous vs. traditional role health: conflicting results

– Four possible basic identities• Androgynous (HF/HM• Masculine (if male) or Cross Gendered (if female) (HM/LF)• Feminine (if female) or Cross-Gendered (if male) (HF/LM)• Undifferentiated LM/LF)

– Gender Role Transcendence: decoupling of traits– A Gender Free Society? Pros and Cons

From: Robert Weber, The New Yorker Collection

From: Robert Weber The New Yorker Collection 2002

• Other Perspectives on Gender Differences (www.mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/chap9/chap9o.htm)

• Striving for Superiority– Differences in Core Values: women develop relationships; men

strive for power; competition vs. cooperation

– Developmental Psychology: boys’ aggressiveness and resistance to control by girls

– Linguistics: Men strive to prove themselves; women try to be liked

– Learning: Women try to identify with person expressing a different opinion; men immediately start to argue and question

• Other Perspectives (continued)

• “Fatal Attraction” (SROK or Sex Ratio of Killing)Psychology Today March/April 1993

– For every 100 men who kill their wives, 75 women kill their husbands– Men kill with revelations of infidelity, a planned murder suicide or

familicidal massacre; women kill for self-defense– This symmetry in killings has persisted for last 40 years…not gun-

prevalence-in-home related or assumption of male roles by women– Higher female ratio in de facto unions, African-American marriages, and

couple who lived together vs. apart– Higher prevalence with women who are surrounded by her relatives– Higher prevalence among women trying to defend her children from

previous relationship against current mates

• Other Perspectives (continued)

• “Long Way to Go Baby”Psychology Today

– Subliminally Sexist Ads– Research based on Ms, Good Housekeeping, Rolling

Stone, Sports Illustrated, GQ and Time– 2/3 of ads portray women as unequal partners, particularly in

women’s magazines; beer ads have shown much improvement– More ads showing men in less of an authoritarian role; but

women still shown in images in more sexist and demeaning messages

• Other Perspectives (continued)

• The Gender Trap: Herb Goldberg– Traditional roles are not “natural”. What we see are unnatural

polarities:• Requires suppression in women of

– Aggression– Assertion– Autonomy– Sexuality

• Exaggerated presentation of above four (4) by men

• The Gender Trap (continued)– The Romantic Addiction

• The more polarized , the more initial romantic euphoria• In the end, though, it’s all fighting and no sex• Were “hopelessly in love”. Now are hopelessly antagonistic• What about the “liberation movement of past decades?

– Traditional female processes and liberation content but traditional process

– The New Male-Female Relationship (per Goldberg)• Playmates: seek each other out• Friends: growth for one a plus for the other• Companions: balanced attraction to each other’s worlds• Lovers: more a reflection of the relationship, not cultural norms

The Sexes and Sex

♂Sexual desire as default

position

To get seeds into next generation

♀Relationship

maintenance

To raise the next generation

Gottman’s Research

♂ ♀• 70% of relationship

maintenance issues • Allows husband’s

influence• Physical resiliency

after arguments