2018Living Vs Existing

• Tonight – 2018 beginsa) My desire for you, and the goal of recovery,

are the same – that you would experience a life that is increasingly satisfying

b) I have learned that experiencing a satisfying life is easier said than done, especially for people from Complex Trauma

c) Tonight, I want to look at this topic from the perspective that there are two possible ways to live – just existing (survival mode) or really living

1. Greek world – two words for lifea) “bios” – “biology” – physical life

i. One is physically alive, but there is an emptiness – there is a “deadness” when you looked into their eyes

ii. Experience superficial pleasures, but not deep, satisfying joy; those pleasures are fleeting

iii. The superficial pleasure they experience periodically is connected to their external world

iv. They exist, but don’t truly live

b) “zoe” – alive physically, spiritually, emotionally – healthy in these areas

i. Joy, contentment, satisfactionii. Result of their internal world being

healthy2. Legacy of Complex Trauma

a) Keeps one in “survival mode” (Exist, but don’t truly live; “bios”, but no “zoe”)

b) Components of survival modei. Ongoing danger ii. Ongoing hurt, painiii. Ongoing fear and anger

c) Priority i. To stay safe, to not get hurtii. Focus is on the here-and-now

d) Strategiesi. Variations of Fight, Flight, Freezeii. Hyper-vigilanceiii. Hyper-arousal iv. Don’t trust, don’t feel, don’t be open or

honestv. Manipulate, control, lie, distort; use

people, don’t love themvi. Make life all about me – be narcissistic

vii. Grab any fleeting pleasure that comes along; = intense adrenalin, dopamine or oxytocin

viii.Must be able to do whatever they want –authority and rules are seen as restrictors of pleasure

ix. Note: Each person develops their own pattern of survival

e) Result i. “Exist”, don’t truly liveii. Greater emptiness, discontent and anger

3. Dangers today for people from CTa) Existing/survival mode is their default

setting – they easily, and subconsciously, gravitate toward it

b) It is easily triggered (and often they are unaware of it) – stressed, overwhelmed; Exhaustion; Depression or anxiety; Physical pain; Conflict

4. Signs that one is returning to survival modea) Pull away from people, begin to isolate –

you don’t have the emotional energy necessary to deal with people

b) Get angry more easily – irritable; lash out at people who inconvenience you, or demand your time and energy; explode

i. You resent the people close to you for having needs

ii. People know they shouldn’t get in your wayiii. You change from being assertive to being

aggressivec) Focus on the negative more – find fault with

everything, criticald) More demanding of those closest to youe) Avoid – Procrastinate; Cancel commitments;

look for ways to get out of stuff

f) Robotic - Shut down emotions; go through the activities of the day mechanically, without feeling much

g) Do a half-hearted jobh) Numbing activitiesi) Trouble concentrating, or sleeping; become

more forgetfulj) Become depressed; feelings of hopelessness

increasek) Don’t trustl) Communicate lessm) Tunnel vision, rigid thinking

3. Truly Livinga) A paradox – on the surface, it doesn’t look

like it will lead to a healthy life, but it doesb) It is committing myself to the constraints of

a healthy lifei. Enjoy pleasures, but in a healthy way –

don’t abuse themii. Morals – say no to wrong behaviours

and attitudesiii. It requires saying no to old behaviours

(resisting powerful urges) that pull at us regularly, and are easily triggered

iv. Requires a change in prioritiesv. Sometime requires developing a new value

system – what is truly valuable• Money vs relationship; Image vs Being real

vi. This includes finding my sense of security from the right things• Not money, men, being in control

vii. Requires that I learn how to take care of myself physically, emotionally, spiritually

viii.This involves dealing with issues that come up – don’t avoid; I must also manage negative emotions within me

ix. Requires serving – genuine love for others

c) Notes:i. To do it will require work and self-

disciplineii. Feels like a very restricted life – lots of old

behaviours I can no longer do; lots of new, unfamiliar, awkward feeling behaviours I must learn

iii. Reality of life - The greatest treasures and rewards require the hardest work –Olympic athlete, mining gold or diamonds, an intimate relationship that is healthy