Living and Coping with Grief

and Loss

Margaret S Clarke LPC,BC-DMT, ACT

Behavioral Health and Cognitive

Therapy Center

Mandi Zucker, MSW

Imagine, A Center for Coping with Loss

What Is Grief ?

• Grief is a natural and normal reaction to

loss.

• Grief is the emotional response to loss.

• We need to go through grief in order to

heal.

Language of Grief

• Bereavement is the specific situation of

a person who has suffered the loss

• Mourning is the social and behavioral

expression of the grief

Grief can follow many

types of loss

• Death of someone we love

• Miscarriage / elective abortion

• Learning you or someone you care

about has a chronic and serious illness

• Becoming disabled

• Death of a pet

• Loss of a home

• Loss of a career, employment

• Divorce

• Loss of relationships due to familial

conflicts

Grief can follow many

types of loss (cont)

Grief brings on a

wide range of emotions

• Sadness

• Anger

• Shock

• Numbness

The task of grief is healing

• To find healthy ways to deal with our

pain

• Remember that everyone grieves in

their own way

How We Grieve

• Depends on a variety of factors

Circumstances of the loss

Gender

Age and life experiences

Culture and Faith

Choice of Rituals

• How one honors someone who has died

• How to manage the dying process

• How to care for the body

• How to care for those who are left

behind

Types of grief

• Traumatic Loss

• Complicated grief

• Prolonged grief

Traumatic Loss

• When death is sudden or violent

Loss of a child

Suicide

Accidental overdose

Accidental death or dismemberment

Element of Fear

No one ever told me that grief felt so like

fear. Not afraid, but the sensation is like

being afraid. Same fluttering in the

stomach. Same restlessness, the

yawning. I would keep on swallowing.CS Lewis “A Grief Observed”

Thoughts & Feelings

• Self blame

• Thoughts that others blame you

especially in the case of a suicide or

accidental death

• Imagining vivid picture images of your

loved one’s last moments

• In case of homicide or accident wanting

wishing the perpetrator to suffer to be

punished

• Ruminating thoughts or questions why

did the death happen

• Disbelief

Thoughts & Feelings

• Bitterness

• Anger at law enforcement, the courts,

the media and how they handle the

death

Thoughts & Feelings

Survivors Guilt

• What could have been done differently

• Actions taken or not taken at the time of

the death

• Thoughts of one’s own death

Complicated Grief

• Mental health issues /diagnosis

Major depression

Post traumatic stress disorder

Panic disorder

Generalized anxiety

Substance abuse / dependence

Prolonged Grief

• Difficulty adjusting to the loss

• Confusion about one’s role in life

• Feeling or thinking you have lost a part

of yourself

• Avoiding reminders of the loss

• Inability/struggle to trust others

• Difficulty moving on

• Numbness, absence of emotions

• Feeling or thinking life is unfulfilling

• Feeling stunned, dazed, shocked

• Separation Anxiety

Prolonged Grief

The Journey of Healing

• Let yourself grieve

• Practice Self Compassion

• Allow any thoughts and feelings to

come forth

• Try to express your thoughts and

feelings

There are 2 wings of mindfulness. One

wing is to pause and name what’s going on and

the second wing is to be non judgmental and

present to whatever you have named.

The first wing is to be aware and the

second is to meet what you are aware of, what

you have named with heartfulness, tenderness

and compassion.

Tara Brach

• Reach out to people you trust

• Look for people who accept your

feelings and thoughts

• Try simply telling people what you need

• Acknowledging your reactions and

giving them expression is important to

the healing process

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

• Action

• Beliefs

• Consequences

• Defense

Rituals can help

• Think about your loved ones wishes

• Take an active part in planning the

funeral or other ceremonies

• Help accept the death the loss

“We find a place for what we lose. Although we

know that after such a loss the acute stage of

mourning will subside, we also know that we

shall remain inconsolable and will never find a

substitute. No matter what may fill the gap even

if it be filled completely, it nevertheless remains

something else.”

E. L Freund

• Helps to remember memories about

your loss is an important part of healing

• Can bring mourners together

• Can bring peace and a sense of order

Memories

The present moment is filled with joy and

happiness. If you are attentive you will

see it.”

Thich Nhat Hanh

Resources

• Bearing the unbearable Love, Loss and the Heartbreaking Path

of Grief Joanne Cacciatore , PhD

• Living life after losing a child beyond tears Ellen Mitchell

• Loving Someone Who Has Dementia Pauline Boss, PHD

• Widow to Widow thoughtful Practical ideas to rebuilding your life

Genevieve Davis Ginsburg M.S.

Additional Resources

• Living a Healthy Life with Chronic Conditions Kate

Lorig, Dr.PH Halsted Holman MD et al

• In this moment Five steps to transcending stress

using mindfulness and Neuroscience Kirk D.

Strosahl, PHD Patricia J. Robinson ,PHD

• A Delicate Balance Living Successfully with a

Chronic Illness Susan Milstrey Wells

Other steps on the journey

• Put any regrets in perspective

• Try to put off major decisions

• Keep memories alive

• Think about continuing a project your

loved one started

• Look to your faith

• Consider attending a support group

• Think about helping others

Other steps on the journey

Allow yourself to move on

Grief never ends, but it changes.

It’s a passage, not a place to stay.

Grief is not a sign of weakness,

nor a lack of faith.

It is the price of love.

Author unknown

Questions