like any ordinary girl i had dreamt of an extra ordinary marriage

8/6/2019 Like Any Ordinary Girl I Had Dreamt of an Extra Ordinary Marriage

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I got married to an Officer of the Indian Army with dreams of romance, separation and eternal bliss. Belonging to a civil background (like most of the Ladies) I hardly knew anything about the Institution of the Army other than what was depicted in movies. Like most Ladies I was in awe of the uniform and the man in the uniform, travelling to new places, meeting new people... but then that was just a part of the entire picture of being an Army wife.As the feeling set in so did the vastness of duties and responsibilities that it had in store with it. Army is not only an institution but a way of life... you have so much to learn ,so much to do so much to give... it isnt just life encompassing, slowly you realise it is your life.

I remember the excitement I felt as we were coming to the unit for the first time, the unit which was to become my home. Hardly knowing what to do or say, how would people accept or treat me, knowing nothing about Army life, I must say I was quite scared too! Being away from home amongst strangers can

still be dealt with....but away from home amongst strangers in an extremely different way of life...is difficult!

Army life differs than civil life in smallest of ways. You must wish Ladies and Officers with a Good Morning! ,Good Evening! and so forth and not with Hi! and Hello! I still havent understood how it matters if I say hello!!! It has been mentioned time and again in many books that there is no seniority amongst Ladies ...but in reality it is not so. A certain code of seniority does exist amongst Ladies too...and Ladies who refuse to adhere to it soon find out that you cant swim to the shore safely if

you are not friendly with the crocodiles in the water. Though the performance of an Officer should not depend on the wifes behaviour, it surely does. It is simply stupid to try and swim against the flow. Yes it doesnt mean that subtle changes cant be brought


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about... you can always try and make the atmosphere comfortable for all.

For people in the army, it really is a small

world. You are bound to meet most of the people time and again.Here your reputation runs before you do. As a lady what you do and how you behave doesnt only affect you but your husband as well as the parent unit. So whatever you do, think beforehand, coz mistakes made here arent taken lightly.

Your first day in the unit or location where your husband is posted will most probably be in the Officers mess till your house is set up. The general purpose of an Officers Mess is to

promote cordiality, comradeship and esprit-de-corps. It is a home to all Officers and their families of a unit or establishment,particularly the "living-in Officers, that is, those who eat their meals in the Mess. The social life in a station revolves around the Officers Mess. Each Mess has a special set of rules and customs pertaining to the dress to be worn and ceremonies in the Officers Mess. As in the case of private homes, Messes conform to a certain amount of domestic ritual which they expect their members and guests to maintain. On posting or attachment to a regimental or

station Mess, or as a guest invited to a Mess function, you should ascertain all about the customs peculiar to that Mess, and of no less importance the dress regulations observed in the Mess. Personal pride must be taken in adhering to the Mess customs no matter how they may appear to be. In the main, customs in these respects largely followed are of a widely accepted pattern in each service. However, it can be embarrassing and even humiliating to unwittingly fail to observe established customs in an Officers Mess.

Always enter a Mess in proper dress depending on the time of the year. If in doubt, the correct type of dress to be worn must be ascertained. The formality of dress applies to all meals if temporarily dining in the Mess. Whatever the form of dress worn for the occasion, you must ensure that you are well turned out and neatly groomed. The wearing of gaudy, ill fitting and inappropriate dress in the Mess is not done. If entertaining a guest in the Mess, it is


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your personal responsibility to ensure that your guest is also properly attired and instructed that Mess silver, that is trophies, are by custom not to be handled. Strictly speaking silver on the table is never touched. Should you find you are unable to affect this, and

then you must refrain from entering the Mess . It is normal for a hat-rack or table to be placed outside the ante-room of an Officers Mess, upon which all caps, hats, over-coats, belts and gloves are to be placed before the Officer or guest enters the Mess. Similarly always ensure that your children and that of your guests are properly and neatly attired before entering the Mess.

Formal occasions demand that you wear a sari. On all occasions that you are supposed to ....attend with

husbands when he is in uniform you are supposed to wear a sari.Barakhanas, dining in and out, coffee mornings or tea outs, even welfares where welcome or farewell is to be done wearing a sari is a must. In case you are confused, ask a senior lady, or simply wear a sari! (Do not take advice of your husband in this matter unless you are sure hell be your best guide coz most of the times... they dont know and thus misguide you.)

Whatever you dress, care has to be taken it is decent and good enough to suit your husbands position, not only amongst the fellow Officers but the men he commands. Mind you,along with your behaviour the way you dress has a lot to do with the impression the fellow officers and men will carry about you for a very long time. As an infantry Officers wife youll find that half of

your married life you have to stay without your husband. Being married and living alone is not a joke. Whether you decide to live with your in-laws parents and especially when you decide to stay in SF all your virtues will come to test. So it is better to start early and create a good impression about yourself in the eyes of all.

Being married, especially to an Army Officer is not always honey and roses. Like all marriages this one too has its ups and downs, but the difference here is that most of the time we


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have to live alone far off from known places, known people and every three years from husband too. Being independent right from the start even when husband is there to take care is a step in the right direction, so that when the need be, you dont need anyone to lean

on. Minor household issues, payment of bills, banking, MES,shopping, packing for move should be taken care of by the young wife irrespective of the presence of her husband.

Husbands never have enough time for their families. He is wedded to his job first. The sooner you accept this, less will be the heart ache. Coz there will be many occasions where plans will have to be changed at the spur of the moment, husband will be unable to attend/accompany you for festive occasions, leave will be postponed/ cancelled and he will be absent when you need him most. For most civilians like me, it can be quite frustrating initially coz we are not used to this absurd unpredictability of the job, but with the passage of time you too start craving the spontaneity.Anyone can be upset when things go wrong but it takes lot of courage to smile and move ahead with your plans.

The Army spouse is an individual who apart from shouldering her unique responsibilities towards her husband's profession hardly realizes that she may never be able to pursue a career as being an Army wife is a very demanding job itself leaving no space for a profession, dont let disappointment set in. It is better to pursue any hobby or anything you have an aptitude for. Army gives you so much of exposure to so many fields that you may have not known had you not been an Army wife. Exploit your capacities at given opportunities. Learn to unwind yourself through activities rather than burden your husband with family matters...he has got a lot to think about. At times you may feel lonely and depressed... it is better to write down whatever is bothering you and in no time,

youll feel better. You need to be social and make friends to get out of the gloom. For others to help you in need...do help others when they need it.

Once you keep in mind that the place your husband is serving is your home and the people there, your extended


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family, the rest will come to you naturally. Give respect to wives of senior Officers as well as senior Officers as you would do to elders in

your family. Simple things like standing up when senior Ladies are standing, being polite, wishing them, acknowledging whatever they have done for you, letting them have the way first, small things like these that dont take any special efforts but are surely noticed. You are not required to stand when senior Officers are standing or when entering the room. But when you are being introduced or a very senior Officer is talking to you, you can stand out of respect; its your own choice and not compulsion. Remember that the senior most Ladies have the privilege to occupy the centre seat at any occasion then the next in rank on both sides and so forth, and till the time

you are confused occupy the corner most seat or be the last to be seated! On many occasions youll find that there is a sofa in the centre and chairs next to it. If you are the only lady...the sofa is

yours or the same rule applies. If at a welfare, no matter how senior the JCOs wife is to you in age... you are not to ask her to occupy the sofa. Try and make the junior wives comfortable, remember you were at the same stage at some point of time. Try and educate them like a friend avoiding any hurt. These days the young Ladies have their pre formed notions about themselves and take time to adjust to the atmosphere of the Army life. Be patient and dont lose your cool. Try and address everyone with Mrs._____ instead of first names irrespective of your age differences unless you are very close. Even then when in public or in presence of others maintain the formality.Even though you maybe elder in age to the wife of an Officer senior to your husband, treat her as a senior lady and give her the respect which she would have had she been elder.

Being an Army wife also exposes you to the families and problems of the men your husband commands. As a lady it is your duty to take care of the problems of the families. Most of the times lending a patient ear does the job. Many a times there are problems requiring immediate attention... there you have to act


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with tact and care and genuine interest. Many a times your presence and interest in their welfare eases out problems for the families. Checking medical records, talking to the doctor where required, keeping your husband and COs wife updated about any serious cases will make your husbands job a bit easier too.

These days a lot many families are depressed and the number of suicide cases have increased a lot. Most of these are because the husbands dont have enough time for the wives, or there are problems with in-laws. You can consult your husband and he may be able to give some time off to the extreme cases and you can counsel the wives. In most cases just like us the families are far

off from homes and face similar problems like us. Most of the families are very young girls having little or no knowledge about sanitation,nutrition, contraception or care during pregnancy or childcare, so it is up to you educate them about these issues. Happy families ensure happy men and that in turn ensures a happy husband... so in helping them you are also helping yourself. Just remember that genuine interest, efforts, and warmth always has its dividends.Helping others gives you that satisfaction that nothing else can

replace. Treat them with politeness and give them respect... they are as much a part of the Army as you are.

Army is a society, in which Ladies are given the highest respect. Your aim should be to become worthy of that respect.In the course of events, you will come in contact with a cross section of ranks and appointments. They are your husbands colleagues and it is very important that you understand how to conduct yourself.Talk, act and behave like a Lady and soon you will start earning the respect of those around you. As a young girl, it is better that you limit your interaction with the soldiers to the minimum. As you grow older in the Services, you will learn to deal with them much better.


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You may occasionally meet some important appointments in the battalion, always call them by their appointment. A JCO should always be addressed as 'sahib'. In all cases, use their rank and name or their appointment to address

them. They will always greet you with the unit salutation, like Jai Hind, Ram Ram, Sat Sri Akal or Namaste. Be prompt in replying.

Always be courteous when you address anyone.To make a unit complete, a number of soldiers are involved performing a host of jobs. There are drivers, washer men, cooks,barbers and many such trades. For which soldiers are enrolled. They should never be addressed by their trade, always by their rank and name.

An important individual you will make an acquaintance with during this time is the buddy of your husband.He is a colleague, assigned to an Officer to look after his accoutrements and attend to his minor chores. Restrict your interaction with him to the minimum and do not ever consider him as your buddy or menial labourer. Learn to give him respect and always address him by his name and never his nick name. You should never dream of checking or reprimanding the buddy or as a matter of fact any soldier. If you see something wrong, inform your husband or any other Officer.

A Lady gains respect in the unit by her behaviour, conduct and inter personal interactions. Observe the correct social norms and learn to respect all soldiers, irrespective of their ranks and position.

As regards your husbands fellow Officers,address them by their rank and name. Avoid first names as far as possible.

When new Officers are posted to the unit it is up to you to make them feel at home. Especially youngsters who are at the mercy of all seniors in the office ...till the time he learns the required; you can try and make them feel welcome. Most of the times


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the tormentor is your husband!!! So it is your duty to feel at ease and provide them with a homely environment. Just keep in mind not to overdo it.

Some points to bear in mind... Appear approachable, warm and interesting. Your body

language should be open and friendly. Remember that, 'respect begets respect many times over and courtesy costs nothing'.

A cheerful face with a smile can put the other individual at ease. Follow the dictum, 'If you see someone without a smile,

give him one of yours', wherever and whenever possible. Avoid hypocrisy. Do not project a false image of oneself; reduce

gap between, 'being' and seeming, (or practice what you preach).

Learn the art of small talk. In the Services, more often than not, most interaction with Officers and their wives is on a social plane, rather than on a professional plane. Therefore,one can gain better acceptability by discussing topics which are of interest and source of enrichment to others, than discuss day to day hassles.

'See, hear, observe, and speak less is one of the golden rules in establishing meaningful communications. Seek first to understand, and then to be understood.

Shun rumour mongering; don't believe in hearsay. These leave

one's mind poisoned and bring about bitterness, even between the best of friends. In case of a communication breakdown, be open and discuss issues frankly but in a polite manner.

Avoid becoming too intimate or transgressing socially accepted group behavioural norms with others.


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Sincere flattery is always welcome.

Personal questions and comments are taboo. Some topics are highly sensitive and should not be mentioned socially -height and weight; politics, religion and religious jokes.

Be tactful and discreet. If you see a dispute developing, avoid taking sides. Do not discuss people in absentia.

Avoid getting into a negative spiral. Remember a negative communication divide can spiral into an actual divide.

Don't be too dressy, but be smart in your turnout at all times.

Don't brag of what you can do. Let others find out for themselves what you are really worth. Avoid any tendency towards self- praise or discussing private matters in general company.

Don't ever make a statement unless you are sure of facts and figures.

Don't give your opinion unless it is asked for.

Don't let your husbands official matters to interfere with family/private affairs.

Never get into the habit of discussing Officers and their families amongst yourselves. It will lead to more trouble and unhappiness than you can dream of. Avoid open expressions of

dislike as these invariably get around and lead to hostilities.

Don't sit tight and expect people in the Station to Come and fall at your feet and make friends with you or to entertain you.You must go half way to do your bit.


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Don't keep on saying that you cannot afford to do this or that or don't talk too much of what you may have at your home.

Don't be too sensitive or too imaginative -by this is meant don't

take offence where no offence is intended. Don't be insinuating or sarcastic.

Don't make personal jokes, some take them well but a lot take them ill.

Don't draw public attention by eccentric behaviour or by a vulgar display of wealth of which you are blessed with.

Don't be too free with the other ranks and their families in your unit nor too stand offish. Get to know them well and you will get a "lot out of them".

Dont display crude conduct such as spitting and belching in public.

Avoids familiarity in associations. This refers especially to such rudeness as back-slapping, nudging, etc. Unwarranted conversational familiarity and whispering when in company is equally poor. Any public display of affection including the use of endearing terms is bad taste.

Make your motto "do it now" and stick to it all times.

Do everything you do thoroughly.

Be punctual.

Always reciprocate greetings by Officers and Ladies.

Do be straight and call a spade a spade .If you hear of anyone having spoken ill of you -instead of nursing hearsays and thereby letting things get unpleasant -go straight to the person


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Remember that there is no harm in seeking counsel from knowledgeable, senior colleagues, when in need of help in investment matters.

Splurge once in a while, but always save something for the rainy day.

Other Points at Table

When not eating, one's hands should be kept still.

Large mouthfuls must never be taken and food should never be over-seasoned with salt and pepper. The latter practice is uncomplimentary to the cook. Salt, if required should be placed on the side of the plate in small quantities.

Avoid speaking with the mouth full or making a noise when eating. This can be avoided by keeping the mouth closed whilst chewing.

The correct manner of sitting at the table is upright with the elbows close in by the sides of the body. The placing of elbows on a table are definitely bad manners.

Conversation at the dining table should be conducted in low well modulated tones. In the event of your having escorted a guest into dinner, he or she will be seated on your right. It is required of you, therefore, that you first engage the person on

your right in small conversation. It is good practice to first talk with the person on your right and later, during the course of the meal, open a conversation with the guest on your left.Conversation across the table should be limited to the minimum. It is equally bad form to converse across the persons sitting on either side of you.


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like any ordinary girl i had dreamt of an extra ordinary marriage

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