landlord script

7/30/2019 Landlord Script

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LONE WOLVES - LANDLORD

By Tom Gran & Martin Woolley


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FADE IN:

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

Loud heavy metal blares from a beaten old cassette player.MICH and BOSTON sit, arm wrestling over a table littered

with knives and broken bottles.

BLAM! The door flies open and HAMMOND enters.

HAMMONDAah, guys, what the hell!? Youwere sposed to clean up today!

They look up.

BOSTONWhat?

HAMMONDIts inspection day! Thelandlords comin in 20 minutesand this place is dirtier thanBostons ball sack.

We pan across the room -- the oil-stained floor is hiddenbeneath heaps of scrap metal, dirty magazines and emptybeer bottles.

MICHHow come I never heard about anyinspection?!

HAMMONDI put the letter on the noticeboard two weeks ago!

He gestures to a large dartboard on the far wall -- dozensof unpaid bills and important papers are pinned to it witha variety of knives and arrows. The inspection notice sitsin the centre, tacked on with a tomahawk.

HAMMOND (CONTD)

Come on.

INT. MICHS ROOM - CONTD

HAM flicks on the light switch -- an old lava lamp comes onin the corner of the room. MICHs room is sparselydecorated, a few posters on the cracked walls, a drum kitin one corner and a dirty mattress in the middle, completewith two sleeping ladies and an empty beer keg.

HAMMONDWe gotta get these chicks outta

here.


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MICHI got it.

He flips the girls off of the mattress and then dumps it ontop of them, legs and arms poking out from underneath. He

dusts off his hands.

HAM crosses the room to the window.

HAMMONDWhys it so dark in here?

He draws the curtains -- behind them a crude doodle of awindow has been drawn onto the bare brick wall, completewith clouds and a sun. HAM closes them again.

POW! POW! POW! The far wall is suddenly riddled with bullet

holes.

HAMMOND (CONTD)What the hell?!

INT. BOSTONS ROOM - CONTD

WHAM! The door slams open, HAMMOND and MICH enter.

MICHBoston, what the fuck!?

BOSTON stands in the middle of his room, firing a pistol atthe wall.

BOSTONI heard voices in the wall!

HAMMONDThat was us! Moron!

BOSTONDont call me a moron!

He points the gun at them. HAM slaps it out of his hand --

it fires as it hits the floor, shooting the lock onBOSTONs wardrobe. The doors swing open and an avalanche ofswords, firearms and explosives pours out across the floor.

BOSTON (CONTD)Great, I just cleaned that up!

HAMMONDUh-huh, and what are you gonna doabout that?

He points the far end of the room where the front of a

Cadillac is jutting through a demolished wall.

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BOSTONIts cool, Ill just cover itwith a throw.

He kneels down and daintily pulls open a bottom drawer --

its full of neatly pressed floral sheets.

INT. CORRIDOR - CONTD

MICH opens the bathroom door, their path is blocked byboards and crime scene tape. Inside a flickering bulbilluminates a chalk outline and a blood-stained showercurtain.

BOSTONDo we have to clean this room?

MICHNah, it was like this when wemoved in.

BOSTONScore.

MICH shuts the door.

HAM pokes his head in from the living room.

HAMMONDQuit dickin around in the murderroom! The landlordll be here infive minutes!

MICH and BOSTON split up.

INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTD

HAM pulls up the carpet, sweeps a pile of beer bottles andcar parts under it, then stamps on the lumps until theyreflat.


MICH grabs an armful of land mines, pulls down a section asection of the wall to reveal the bedroom of theneighbours kid and chucks them in. He replaces the wall,slotting it in backwards, the little boys dinosaurwallpaper intersecting the bare brickwork of the corridor.


BOSTON spots a hole in the wall. He snatches a framed photoof HAMMOND holding an eagle and moves it over the hole,inadvertently revealing an even bigger one where the

picture was. He grabs a poster to cover the new hole,exposing a series of tallies marked HOLES PUNCHED IN WALL-BOSTON: 19; HAM: 4; MICH: 8.

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Spotting the tally marks he grabs an arm chair and slidesit against the wall -- uncovering a gaping pit in thefloor. He looks around desperately for something to coverit.

Ding-dong! The doorbell rings. At a loss for what to do

BOSTON throws himself ontop of the hole and does his bestto look casual.

HAM answers the door. The landlord, a weedy man in a cheapsuit enters. He checks his clipboard and addresses HAM andMICH.

LANDLORDMr. Indiana, Mr. Detroit.

He looks down at BOSTON. BOSTON tries to look cool.

LANDLORD (CONTD)Mr. Massachusetts.

BOSTONSup.

LANDLORDThis shouldnt take long.

INT. MICHS ROOM - CONTD

The landlord opens MICHs door and peers within. The threeWolves stand sheepishly behind him. The LANDLORD makes somenotes on his clipboard.

LANDLORDBullet holes in the wall.Unauthorised occupants.

MICHHey, I told em to leave.

The LANDLOR shuts the door.

INT. BOSTONS ROOM - CONTD

The door opens. The LANDLORD surveys BOSTONs mess.

LANDLORDDamaged bed. Burnt carpet. Brokenwardrobe... Nice throw.

BOSTONThanks.


The LANDLORD approaches a door marked HAMMONDS ROOM. Heopens it -- BOSTONs pile of weaponry pours out.

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LANDLORDHeap of illegal weaponry.

HAMMONDBoston! What the hell!?

BOSTONWhat?! You broke my wardrobe!Where else was I sposed to putem?


The LANDLORD crosses the room, scribbling further notes onhis clipboard. The Wolves follow.

LANDLORD

This house is in worse conditionthan Mr. Massachusetts ball sack.Floor filthy, walls all butdestroyed, you broke the doors,you broke the lights, you brokethe fixtures -- Im afraid I haveno choice but to evict you fromthis pro-

He steps blindly into the pit in the floor, his clipboardflying out of his hands as he suddenly drops out of sight.

The three Wolves exchange a glance. HAM grabs the clipboardfrom beside his feet as MICH walks over to the sofa. HAMscribbles out the many crosses on the LANDLORDs form andreplaces them with ticks. He tosses the clipboard down thehole and MICH slides the sofa back over it.

The two of them sit down and BOSTON reappears with a sixpack.

BOSTONThat went well.

MICH

Yeah, pretty well.

BOSTONIs my ballsack really that bad?

HAMMONDYeah.

MICHYeah, dude. Yes.

FADE OUT.

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