kirryn lia todd - goodbye to juvenilia (poetaster)

8/9/2019 Kirryn Lia Todd - Goodbye to Juvenilia (Poetaster)

1/72

Goodbye to Juvenilia

(Poetaster)

selected poems 2001 – 2009

by Kirryn Lia Todd


2/72

2


3/72

for Blynk.

3


4/72

4


5/72

All tese poems! as yo" may a#e $atered from te title!

%ere composed bet%een te years 2001 and 2009. &ome of

tem are #ery bad 'ence te ()oetaster( in te title*! a fe% of

tem are #ery $ood! b"t all of tem %ere %ritten in a period tat

is so starkly different from %ere + am ri$t no%! as a %riter and

poet! tat te term (,"#enilia( seems to be te only tin$ tat tr"ly

fits tem. Tryin$ to p"t my fin$er on %at(s can$ed tat as

made te present and te past ei$t years is an e-ercise in

f"tility! it(s more sometin$ + can feel tan sometin$ + can

e-plain. B"t tey are ten! and %at + %rite c"rrently is no%.

+t(s kind of f"nny o% tis #ol"me opens %it (Te

A"stralian(s Lament(! %ic %as composed mere o"rs after te

911 attacks on te /orld Trade enter – most people %o"ld

s"rmise tat a ,"#enilia period %o"ld be closed %it te

be$innin$ of sometin$ so #iolently %orldcan$in$! b"t tat%asn(t te case at all. y yo"t! cildood – %ate#er te

correct term is – be$an %it to%ers fallin$ do%n. Lots of tin$s

appened in tose ei$t years. ost of tem bad! b"t some of

tem so ama5in$ it still $i#es me b"tterflies in my eart to tink

abo"t tem.

&aid period may a#e be$"n %it a ban$! b"t it didn(t

end %it one...%ic + tink is a kind of blessin$. +t %as like + %oke

"p one mornin$! %it te s"n sinin$ in my eyes! and s"ddenly

realised...sometin$ ad ended. And it %as time for sometin$

else to be$in.

All te babble aside! + ope yo" en,oy tese poems.

6


6/72

7


7/72

The Australian's Lament

&till in sock! %atced te t%in broters fall

Teir tears silent in te replay

Te smoke billo%s in my %eary eyes

To"$ + %asn(t tere.

As tey took my eart by te troat

+t rained do%n as as te sky t"rned $old

Terror stirs in earts afire

To"$ + %asn(t tere.

y %eary ands $o to comfort yo"

B"t %at $ood can + do...%at $ood can + do8

Asleep %en te planes crased in

To"sands of li#es lost! ,"st a eartbeat

/ile my ead lay on te pillo%

And + dreamed

And + am angry...


8/72

Jade Eyed Man

Te ,adeeyed man kne% o% + %as inside and e

&miled at me any%ay

And e made me cry

+diot

Te ,adeeyed man kissed my neck and said

:+(ll take te pain a%ay:

And it "rt beca"se e cared

Lo#er

Te ,adeeyed man as bedroom eyes and as

;e made lo#e to me

+ screamed is name


9/72

Celestial Machine

e(s a celestial macine

of bea"ty tat can break

tat can die and be blo%n a%ay

like rosepetals on a 5epyr

like a si$ from yo"r lips

'and + %ant yo" + %ant yo" + %ant yo" so bad*

e(s a Balinese kitten

%it a Tokyofla#o"red smile

cinnamon filtered ci$arettes

sin and filt and deba"cery

and #anillas%eet air

'and dear $od + %ant yo"*

e(s a #oice like dark cocolate

nicotine tinted screams for mercy

shi no harigane

and te $ost of &e %o a"nts im

&e a"nts me too

e(s a black an$el

and + am %ite p"rity

+ am ;ope

'and I want you!*

9


10/72

Lady Elaine

Tis lo#e

+s a riot in er meadc"p

A pain in er ri$t side

And a lon$dreamed baby

>nborn

?amed after is co"sin

Tis lo#e

+s a yearnin$ for a kni$t

/o can tee and to"

:@ost it please tee8:

+t is so.

:/ilt to" dance %it me8:

Tis lo#e

+s killin$ er slo%ly

B"t se doesn(t notice

?eiter does e...

Tirra lirra

By te ri#er san$ &ir Lancelot

10


11/72

My Siren Cries

y siren cries for yo"

o" of te midni$t air

And te precio"s eart

&il#er "een princess

y siren cra%ls

>pon er ands and knees

And $ra#itates to yo"

To%ards te Cden

Tat is yo"r breat

y breat

y siren %ines

And keels for yo"

&e is tired

&e %ises notin$ more

B"t to sl"mber in yo"r arms

;ea#enscented body

&il#ersine so"l

/e need yo"

11


12/72

She's a!e

)"nk %it a smile like @eliaDs

Better tan all te oter ceerleaders

Back at scool

o"ldn(t see b"tter melt in er mo"t

;air parted in er eyes

;ardcore rock tat tastes like b"bble$"m

And looks like B"ffy te Eampire &layer

&ans se-life

;ardcore p"nk pop rock

And yo" little seep follo% er

&tran$lin$ one anoter

/it yo"r ceap ties.

12


13/72

S"allo"ed

:Tat boy is directly in#ol#ed

Tey say and tey talk


14/72

/o lo#ed me back

+ am te #ictim of anoter(s kiss

I"st as fictional

@ro%ned me in despair and soaked

;im %it my tears

And + s%allo%ed

And + %ispered

And + almost died.

14


15/72

Glittered Pa#er

&"t "p! said my eart

And + nearly did

+ nearly blanked yo" o"t

>sin$ $littered paper tat sticks

To anytin$! e#en

Breakin$ earts

Te problem bein$ tat %en

+ st"ck te paper tere

+ ended "p co#erin$ my eart(s mo"t

And it %asn(t allo%ed to talk


16/72

$ %onder

;er sado%s %ere te same colo"r as is eyes

Bl"e like crystal

&parklin$ like %ine

&pilled on a $lass tabletop

/it cracks in te center

+ %onder if e as any idea

17


17/72

Sayin& Goodbye To Mar!

And t"s e slips from me

y fin$ers slick %it blood and milk and s"$ar

o"ldn(t old t"r"oise eyes like tat

And $olden c"rls and eyelases

o"ldn(t old my lo#e for im

To"$ + kept all my feelin$s %rapped "p

+n lo#e letter n"mber si-

/ito"t is name %ritten on it


18/72

La"s

@ayli$t

+ am told

+s not meant to be eld back

/it d"ll sil#er screens

And old cob%ebs

And tose st"pid slantin$ %indo%s

Bree5es

&o"ld be felt by te %ole body

Al%ays

?ot ,"st te face

/en it s"its

And $irls! faerie$irls

&leepyeyed

&o"ld be allo%ed to make lo#e

To smokyeyed men

Tat no one else can see

1=


19/72

ecome o ne

Bo%strin$s ta"t and te piano keys slippery!

p3 played on loop for o"r "pon o"r.

(+ remember yo"(

B"t + %on(t cry any more

o" are not my sak"ra.

o" are not my s"nli$t.

Eoice callin$ o"t to ne#er for$et

To collect my tears and keep tem in a paper ba$

/it my Hantine dress and my senior ,ersey.

(To lo#e anoter person is to see te face of Fod(

B"t a#e yo" seen it8

+t(s not in yo"r rear#ie% mirrors.

+ smased all yo"r mirrors %it my eelJ

;eel of my mary ,anes %it te lace

And a s%is of my circle skirt

/ile + la"$ed like te ?ort &tar

And %ept like te )leaides! starin$ strai$t aead.

+ smased yo"r mirrors and co#ered yo"

/it $lass fra$ments like stars

/ic yo" c"t yo"r fin$ers on

Beca"se yo" are cl"msy and don(t kno%

Tat yo" a#e to be $entle

/it someone(s "nconditional lo#e.

19


20/72

Australia

+ stretc idly! dr"$$ed %it pretention! and remark to

/omsoe#er may be listenin$ to

)ointless catter in a footpat cafe

Laced %it latte and smoot %ooden decor

A lot like poison!

:


21/72

And %e don(t care.

+n te city of my birt! someone(s freedom %as banned

Beca"se it %as te ri$t tin$ to do

To a stran$er %o loates o"r %ays

B"t %ill take o"r freedom %it a Ee$emite sand%ic! tanks

/e(re $irt by sea

;alf of "s are pissed by l"nctime

And te red dirt beneat o"r feet screams silently.

an yo" blame "s8

21


22/72

A Challen&e

Tat sleepyeyed bastard

;as taken anoter #ictim

And + don(t kno% %eter to scream of cry.

:o"(re o% old8 Fro% "p:

H"ck yo"

o" and yo"r d"ll colors and d"ll smiles

+ "sed to see te li$t of fore#er

Beneat e#erytin$ yo" did

B"t tin$s like tat don(t compare

To te ra%! primal! animalistic trill


23/72

B"t no%! yo"(re is

Tat sleepyeyed! forkton$"ed! o#erse-ed bastard

+s $oin$ for my troat.

Come and get me.

23


24/72

*ra&on oy's Girl

te dra$on boy(s $irl

sleeps like a demon

and a%akens like a s"nrise

%it er sil#er eyes seein$ e#erytin$ e %anted to ide from er.

te $irl(s dra$on boy

radiates a feline $race

and as cla%s sarper tan ice

b"t ice

as a tendency to melt.

te dra$on boy(s $irl

is dreamin$ of anoter %orld

made of silksp"n s"$ar and %ite refle- paper

,"st for im

sometimes.

24


25/72

To!yo Shoc! Stri!e+

+ co"ld %alk tis floor %it te po%er of yo"

And te tin$s yo" do

&e(s a fireball b"rnin( %ito"t a reason

;e(s a slo% dra$ on tat ild &e#en

L"n$ cancer and antidepressants and a spilled $lass of idori

Tokyo(s o"rs toni$t

Take to te floor! baby

/e(ll b"rn tis city do%n

To te $ro"nd

Kick it into o#erdri#e

G"n and scream and ide

Iapan at yo"r feet

Lolita $irl %it bri$t pink air

A "ick kill if yo" co"ld dare

Toni$t

Iapan(s at yo"r feet

Bettin$ all my money %it yo" beneat te table

And my mind "nstable

&e(s dan$er in a %ite lacy skirt

;e(s lon$ fin$ers and a smirk

Lo"d m"sic and acid rain and a ,oke tat(s %ay too f"nny

Te li$ts b"rn toni$t

26


26/72

B"rn te streets! baby

/e(ll b"rn tis city do%n

+f yo"(re still aro"nd

Ali#e on 1000 yen

Take te city and start a$ain

Iapan at yo"r feet

Fan$"ro $irl %it dark %ite eyes

in$yan$ ma$ic in dis$"ise

Toni$t

Iapan(s at yo"r feet

+t(s all ri$t

/it Iapan at yo"r feet

27


27/72

A Girl's ,eli&ion

t"s alone se %ea#es %ebs of atred

sparklin$ treads of #itriol

drippin$ from er fin$ertips

lon$ nails painted crimson red

's"c an e#il colo"r*

perfect lips! perfect smile! not so perfect eyes

se kno%s and learns o% to not care

se teaces

er prote$! co%erin$ "nder te stained $lass %indo%

of a catedral filled %it %orsippers

of a darker conscience

o! belo#ed demon! to tee %e pray

ail notin$! f"ll of notin$

:Gise + say to yo"! rise:

b"t tere are no ears tat ear

not ere

in a stran$e paradise

%ere te only one %o can elp yo"

is te


28/72

$ *o ot -ield

:Tis isn(t yo".:

+sn(t +! yo" say8

@o yo" %ant me do%n on my knees

&tarin$ "p at yo"

/it no dartprick(d eyes

et a fire b"rnin$ in blood

' scarlet*

o" %o"ld ne#er "nderstand

o" co"ld ne#er tame te fire

o" kno% not its name

+ yield b"t not to yo"

o"ld yo" name all my secret desires8

All my %ispers and needs8

Bind fra$ile %rists beind my ead

/it locks of my o%n air

olo"red like bleedin$ $arnets


29/72

To make me yo"rs

+ %ill ne#er be yo"rs.

+ belon$ to anoter.

all me %ore! sl"t! L"st incarnate

'maybe I am*

+ care not.

y body is not yo"r Bible! not yo"r secret book

y so"l is not one %it yo"

y eart and mind a million miles a%ay

C#en if yo" made me bleed

+ %o"ld not s"cc"mb to yo"

T"s + am te mandrake and te #alerian

Te candle flame! te s"nli$t

Lypipera dictatin$ eac mo#e

But never anything for you.

29


30/72

Say

say sacred! say oly

say all tese %ords to me

%rap yo"r rosary aro"nd my %rist

and $i#e me tat look %it tose seabl"esky eyes.

say yo"rs and mine and o"rs

like a plea! a confession

like sometin$ +(#e ne#er eard.

yo" ceat and yo" sin

and yet yo"(re

an an$el.

'or so + am told.

tis bein$ %at + cose to belie#e.

yo"areyo"areyo"are.*

say yo" can connect to me.

%e(re like eroin

like s"$ar and %eedkiller

like a lost paradise

tere is no yo"! nor me

,"st ("s( and (%e(

so say sacred! say oly

and %e are.

30


31/72

$n Summer .e Comes

',ound

+n s"mmer e comes (ro"nd ere

To %ere te s"n lies on o"r skin like naked flames

;e comes (ro"nd ere and dro%ns me in $reen eyes

+n s"mmer tere is la5y passion and eat

And a scent of notin$ness

&ea bree5es speak of a faroff %inter in faroff lands

And e comes (ro"nd

B"rnin$ like te fire%inds from te %est

Castern boy! Iapanese boy

@eat and se- incarnate

+n te s"mmer e comes (ro"nd

And + ac"iesce to e#ery %eakness my eart olds

(ome!( e says! and + do! %en e comes (ro"nd

Cndless ni$ts %it artificial ice

And real oney kissed from is lipsLyin$ in te s%eat of familiar seets

And a familiar room

/en s"mmer ni$ts $lo% like embers

+n s"mmer! %en e comes (ro"nd ere

31


32/72

*enim

Tra%l it! s%eeteart

Fo deeper into tin$s yo" %ant

Tin$s tat make yo" bite yo"r lip

'attracted to te tin$s yo"(re afraid of*

/ear yo"r altere$o like a second skin

And di#e ri$t in.

/y(re yo" so an$ry! boy8

o" look like me and so"nd like me

)eraps yo"(re an$ry for te same reason.

/armon$ers! pilanderers! naysayers

And te f"ckin$ l"natics o#er yo"r so"lder

)eraps. + flin$ off my denim ,acket

And $i#e it to yo".

T"rn "p yo"r collar and clas %it yo"r eyes


33/72

n Moc!ery (And

Perha#s Style)

Food on yo"

yo"(#e made a mockery of te tin$s + lo#e

Any bastard can do tat b"t fe% can do it %it &TLC

o" did it %it style.

+ take my at off to yo"! sir


34/72

&l"rp my drink t"rn as red as my Lambr"sco

Fo ome and cry and %ant to die

'not mockin$ yo" sir eiter

+ lo#e yo" almost as m"c*

B"t not make a mockery of anyone(s eart


35/72

Aero#lanes

o"(#e been dreamin$ of aeroplanes all yo"r life

&teppin$ off tem %it make"p smeared

By t%entyt%o o"r fli$ts and ,etla$

And smilin$ and

&omeone yet findin$ yo" in yo"r denim ,acket

And %rinkled #el#et skirt

Te most bea"tif"l tin$ in te %orld.

o"(#e started to belie#e tat aeroplanes

o"ld carry yo" to a miracle.

Like a fairytale yo" see tem

Beca"se of te likeliood of steppin$ onto te tarmac

And into te arms of someone yo" lo#e

+s too carmin$ to call a lie

Too tan$led in lo#e and %antin$

Fro%n across yo"r dreams like roses

To call a fantasy.

o"(#e been tinkin$ of economyclass

And of crosso#er stops! te romance of

&ydney +nternational Airport

To LAM! to IHK

Cmer$in$ in less tan a day

Hrom s"mmer eat to sno%y @ecembers

36


36/72

And %ite ristmases yo" ne#er sa%

Like some kind of stran$e rebirt

Hrom bein$ alone

To takin$ teir ands and la"$in$ and belon$in$

I"st for a little %ile.

o"(#e been dreamin$ of standin$ alone

/it notin$ b"t yo"r s"itcase

Breatin$ te desert air

&milin$ like Fod %ispered a secret to yo"

&tandin$ still in te middle of te $ate

/ile e#eryone stares

And e#ery %is yo" make comes tr"e.

Beca"se yo" stepped off tat aeroplane.

37


37/72

n Moc!ery (And

Perha#s Style)

+ %rite

+ sin$

+ lo#e

Tat(s %at + do

Alto"$ it(s ard to remember it

/en yo"(re starin$ at te bottom of yo"r %ine $lass

&tained red 'rose red*

/it &t. )atrick starin$ o#er yo"r so"lder

Askin$ yo"

:/ere te bloody ell are yo"! $irl8:

And + a#e to ans%er

:


38/72

)ainf"l

)redicament.

...$od...

Gefill Gi$t no% blood red p"nct"res te skin

Ctc.

Are %e %innin$ te /orld "p8

?o %ait! it(s not A"$"st yet

+ feel like +(m ome

/ic is not

;CGC.

e $ods e Fod y Fod.

o" a#e too m"c of a sense of "mo"r


39/72

and sin$in$

and lo#in$.

Tat(s %at + do.

39


40/72

Li!e Every Good Princess

o" made me a cro%n fasioned of all my lies

y misdeeds and my ypocrisies

Like e#ery $ood princess as.

+ don(t %ant to yield + don(t %ant to fall + don(t %ant te n"mbers

to add "p to anytin$ anymore.

+(#e been aro"nd te block and across te %orld and + ne#er left

my place in tis cair

+(#e ad eno"$! man! + said.

o" can(t to"c me beca"se e#ery and tat to"ces me

br"ises.

Fo not li$tly! e says. Fo not at all.

+(d rater $o not at all beca"se if +(m a%ay for too lon$ %o

kno%s o% earts can stray8

Bot mine and yo"rs boy.

/e(re fortyse#en years $one and o"r bones ace.

y stomac "rts and my braincells t"mble o#er eac oter

+n an attempt to poison temsel#es.

And + don(t mind.

+ stay a%ake co"ntin$ stars in yo"r eyes and dreams at yo"r

fin$ertips.

+ stay a%ake mesmerised by te c"r#e of yo"r lips.

o" said yo"(d %ait for me on te oter side

B"t as it t"rns o"t! + %as tr"st into a %orld alone and lonely %en

it so"ld ne#er a#e been.

40


41/72

+ stay a%ake and %ait for te elicopters.

+ lo#e it %en yo" try to b"rn te filt off my skin %it yo"r lo#e.

+ lo#e. Tat(s eno"$. Cno"$ for no%.

Too m"c makes me ill.

o" keep askin$ me if +(m drinkin$! %ell! %o %o"ldn(t be.

+ can(t e#en read poetry %ito"t flasin$ li$ts and pop"p

ad#ertisin$

Apparently + am not a %ort%ile "man bein$ if + don(t dress like

te media(s latest %ore


42/72

Shut /# ate

+ %is fate %ere a "man

&o + co"ld %rap my ands aro"nd its neck and s"ee5e.

&o + co"ld %rin$ o"t

A ce"e %ritten in di#ine blood

Hor e#ery tear! br"ise! c"t

Hor e#ery scream! sob! prayer.

Lon$ a#e + ser#ed it

Bo%ed do%n at its feet

&e#en to"sand years stron$

And + am %earied.

ears do%n te pat! it dra$s me o"t

To%ards ell.

Tat simple.

Hi#e years a$o! + kissed a rose

And $ained my so"l

And + no% pay te price

To te bodyless and $odless force

Tat e-tracts its payment in sanity

And places it at te feet of cr"el $ods

And $osts %o "n$er for te past

Hor isn(t it a feast

Ge$ret and an$er and same

Torns and poisons and no s"nset.

&e loses erself in clear li"id

42


43/72

+n %ite pills


44/72

My Slammed *oor

'e-c"se me for a moment r Finsber$*

+ sa% te best minds of my $eneration! tooN

b"t tey %eren(t bendin$! tey %ere breakin$

And meltin$ and not fi$tin$

Lyin$ do%n like te spineless acks tey are

and lettin$ pop c"lt"re f"ck tem into te mattress.

After a %ile! tey %ere con#inced tey liked it

And sold teir so"ls for an eiress( ransom

Tey made a c"lt of misery and en,oyed it.

&at aro"nd and sneered at one anoter

And let TE pay teir rent. '&ecretly.*

e8

+ fell in lo#e.

ncool

Te $ods of Hor$otten! of Beat! of &o"l and of &elf

tat + %o"ld ne#er become like tem.

+$norance may indeed be bliss! o my esteemed peers

'o" at te frat party! yo" at te mall! yo" addicted to cl"bs

+ certainly am talkin$ to yo"*

44


45/72

B"t + don(t make eno"$ money to b"y yo"r brand tereof.

hantih.

46


46/72

reshman

11N02 pm on a onday ni$t

and + realise + a#e made a

$ra#e mistake.

Cn$lis literat"re 1600 became a

tiny ni$tmare of 260 people

in a 110 capacity lect"re teatre

people %o stank of B< and possibly oter tin$s! e#en %orse

s"rro"ndin$ me! breatin$ do%n

my

?CK

and te airy fairy lect"rer e-pressin$ er ,oy

tat tere(s so many people

in te co"rse tis term! it(s s"c a s"rprise

b"llsit! say +.

yo" kne% tere(d be tis many st"dents

abo"t a %eek and a alf a$o

%en + si$ned on for yo"r t"torials and yo"r fac"lty anno"nced

t%o additional ones %o"ld be added to te "s"al ei$t.

bein$ "ni#ersity staff

doesn(t mean yo"(re imm"ne to te

occasional la5y b"rea"cratic f"ck"p! it seems.

47


47/72

b"t tat %as midday! and no% it is 11N02

and te $ra#e mistake

still looms.

+ a#e cosen Cn$lis lit 1600 in a fit

of madness.

Tis %ill s"ck o"t all of te pleas"re

+ a#e in readin$ books.

I"st as @rama 1010 %ill s"ck o"t

all of te ma$ic

+ fo"nd in te teatre.

@rama 1010 cannot make me a better actress

'alto"$

it is %elcome to try*

and Lit 1600 %ill not make mea better %riter.

+f anytin$

it %ill make me ne"rotic

and stressed

and lea#e me %it no time

to %rite my o%n tin$s.

And + a#e to %rite.

Tere(s no t%o %ays abo"t it.

/y am + doin$ tis8

+ a#e con#inced myself

tat if + s"ffered for tree years

4


48/72

$a#e "p some passions

%ore "ncomfortable clotin$

let Ana /recks a clo"d my mind

p"t myself in positions %ere te social pobia

$re% so po%erf"l tat

it $ripped me by body parts + so"ldn(t biolo$ically possess

and made me tro% "p in my mo"t

o"t of intense discomfort and fear

and end"re! real or ima$ined

'it doesn(t matter really*

te scorn and ,"d$ement of my peers

+ co"ld $et a $ood ,ob a damnfine ,ob

and $et te ell o"t of te to%n + li#e in!

fore#er.

+ need to find copies of books

tat! apparently! cost "p%ards of

100 dollars

'tese f"ckers better be printed in 24k $old

or + %ill be spittin$ cips*

+ need to stop almost %ettin$ myself o"t of fear

%en + %alk into te Freat o"rt.

+ need to sleep.

4=


49/72

untitled acrostic

anoter ama5in$ly d"ll e#enin$!

b"t tis time %ito"t yo"r presence to

c"rdle my rela-ation. + co"ld $et "sed to tis lack of

damnation and isolation and te rest of tat yo" find so

easy to ,"st spit o"t %ene#er te

feral little nails of yo"r sick

$oddamned inspiration

it yo". + am! despite tis! cons"med

in total by re$ret and despair

,oy becomin$ a rare so"l to find or e#en

kno%. + can(t ear te ocean! + can(t

lea#e tis room e#en so peraps it(s not

m"c of a s"rprise. + stand

naked in front of my f"lllen$t mirror

opal"ed! flases of li$t creepin$ o#er skin

pale as moonli$t and abo"t as ealty

ribs and %rists and te body disappearin$

slo%ly! "ietly! like oney. eld

ti$t in te ne"rotic embrace of my o%n arms!

"nd"latin$ in accordance to te rytms of my o%n ead

#iolent and tribal and secret. + mo#e like a s%at of

%et silk! like a to%er abo"t to fall. %at(s tat8 te

Mana- as probably started talkin$ by no%8

yo" co"ld be ri$t. yo" probably are. tis

49


50/72

5est for not e-istin$ doesn(t come ceap.

60


51/72

Goodbye to the Summer

o0 Love

+f te kids of Ian"ary 14! 197

o"ld see "s no%! tey(d die.

C#erytin$ tey kept bein$ for as $one "p in smoke.


52/72

a$ainst te #iolence! a$ainst "n$er! a$ainst te meltin$

%ell! tey(re seep.

teyre not b"yin$ %at te tele#ision tells tem to b"y!

or %earin$ %at )aris( $lossies tell "s all to %ear!

or listenin$ to %at some cockamamie f"ck radio station tells "s

all to listen to

b"t tey(re all seep. ri$t8

')ersonally! + admire tem so m"c it makes

my eart "rt a little.*

?o one lo#es any more.

Hor all te cries of :lo#es it: slippin$ 'mostly* from adolescent lips

?obody really lo#es anytin$.

te neon $od %e(#e made is not money! s"rprisin$ly

b"t te people %o a#e it.

And Art and )a"l %ere ri$t! yo" kno% all + can ear issilence.

62


53/72

This Ain't The 1erse2 Man

+(m sick of bein$ told tat +(m %ron$ for carin$

+(m sick of bein$ told tat + don(t really care

+(m sick of earin$ tat bleedin$ earts aren(t fasionable

anymore

Tat red r"ns and stains into yo"r black and yo"r $reys and yo"r

"ncarin$ bei$e.

+(m sick of bein$ told tat

Beca"se + cose not to b"y a Lo"is E"itton andba$ %it my

spare money

And instead cose to "se it to p"rcase

A %eek(s %ort of medicine for a kid dyin$ in Belar"s

Tat + am %ron$

And fake

And doin$ it for attention.

Hor te record +(m sy!

act"ally.

+(m sick of bein$ told tat beca"se + find personal peace

+n certain beliefs

Tat + am i$norant and del"sional

And part of te bli$ted section of "manity tat deser#es

$enocide.

63


54/72

+f yo" m"st kno%! if + %as to kill anyone

+t probably %o"ldn(t be in te name of Fod

B"t in te name of

>ndia$nosed Bipolar @isorder.

64


55/72

(Possibly) Stars

i don(t kno% o% lon$

i a#e been %atcin$ tis same mo#ie

repeat repeat repeat

i don(t $et bored or sick of it

te ma$ic doesn(t d"ll or fade

and tat(s $ood! beca"se i am

clin$in$ to it

for all

it is %ort.

i am abo"t to $i#e "p ma$ic.

i oled myself "p

in my bedroom for o"rs and o"rs

realisin$ tat i mi$t be

sacrificin$ freedom

to $ain freedomN

to a#e te ability

in te middle of te allo%ed year t%entyele#en

to tro% my at in te air

m"$ for potos in te Freat o"rt

and $i#e te middle fin$er to te to%n i li#e in

and e#eryone i kno% in

real life.

66


56/72

does tis make me a martyr8

$od kno%s on some le#el

i en,oy it.

b"t i am sellin$ my so"l ,"st a little

to a co"ntry i can(t decide

%eter i despise or lo#e

niican la"$s at me

:i $re% "p tere! and i

feel te same. don(t let it $et yo" do%n.:

maybe i am a martyr.

maybe%e(re all martyrs

killin$ o"rsel#es a little

so %e can li#e for a moment

or t%o

and %en te rainclo"ds clear

from o"r m"ddled skies! %e can see

te stars

%e %ill become.

67


57/72

$2 ,ose

%e %ere ne#er te same.

don(t fool yo"rself! boy

'cild*


yo" took from me

sick to te $ills %it #odka

tore me! bled me! broke me

stole yo"r red stain.

+ co"ldn(t $et o"t of bed for a %eek.

yo" closed yo"r eyes to te ob#io"s! to te tr"t

e#en %en + tre% it at yo"

and ten proceeded to look do%n

'"p*

at me.

yo" looked to yo"r psyc te-tbooks to e-plain my partic"lar

brand

of f"cked"p.

ain(t notin( tere.

6


58/72

idiot.


+ am storm! + am fire

+ am te poison tree! one of Claraira(s da"$ters

tricky! c"nnin$.

+! Gose + roared.

+ am te princess! te %itc! te bride

and yo" %ere ne#er e#en te lo%liest d"ellist.

don(t $i#e yo"rself airs.

6=


59/72

The The0t o0 S#rin&

i3

+ %ant tem $ored! pared

from my fles

as + say $oodbye to ,"#enilia.

Tere is no ca"se for keepin$ teir

letters

nor record of teir %ords

not e#en for mockery(s sake.

+ %ant tem $one.

+ %ant teir stains

fin$ers

memories

b"rned to as and s%ept a%ay into treacero"s %ater.

To a#e one is to be one! it seems

And tey ne#er kno% o% to andle it

?or me!

te little anomaly

%o %o"ld ref"se to s"ck tem off

e#en if tat(s %at(s e-pected!

tese days.

my solemn feminine d"ty esce%ed! and

f"ck yo"! too

my lo#e.

69


60/72

ii3

Ho"r clicks

A bare mo#ement of te t"mb

And + am rid of a di$ital record

tat for tree monts

+ #ery nearly became

cloted in a #icio"s red

a %omb %it le$s

a %oman "nder yo"r Fod

like in I"ne(s tale.

iii3

Tey say tat %en te red blo% flo%s

it is te %omb! %eepin$

inconsolablefor te lack of blossomin$ life.

?ot mine

&e is sobbin$! yes

B"t %it relief.

&e as collapsed in a %aterfall of tears!

batin$ erself

Bleedin$ erself clean! "nto"ced once more

&e roils! screams! t%ists

+mmerses erself in bonet%ist pain

And + %elcome it like a moter(s to"c.

iv3

+ killed a man.

70


61/72

O"ickly! sarply

like te fast tr"st of a dirk.

&ilent.

y %ords became fro5en blades.

?eedles! $litterin$ pinprick pain at teir tips!

teir eyes seein$ all.

+ made im scream

'b"t not in te %ay e made me screamJ

and not in te %ay e(d like me to.*


62/72

soiled as it is

lift it from my bones and dissol#e to notin$ness.

Hor tat indecent confla$ration!

+ $ift yo" %it tis! yo"r o%n personal

%interin$.

o"! %o stole )ersepone! and m"c more tan tat besides.

v3

o s%eet faerie ambassadri-b"rnin$ in front of my eyes like a fire%ork ca"$t still

yo" ne#er told me tis %o"ld be so ard.

72


63/72

These .alcyon *ays

Tese alcyon days are comin$ to an end.

+ a#e adored yo" from tree metres a%ay

cloaked in darkness and dry smokeJ

+ a#e died o#er and o#er for a sin$le $limpse of t"r"oise!

%ic + t"rned into a memory and took %it me.

+ broke te la% and stole yo"r #oice a%ay!

inscribed fore#er on a rosetta stone of so"nd

fre"encies bo%in$ before te po%er of noise.

?o! not noise b"t a sympony e-"ltant.

73


64/72

4uic!ly2 This Means %ar

tis means %ar.

%at yo" a#e done is beyond "nfor$i#able!

yo" a#e entered no% into a sacred realm

stained %it te profane! %it te "nbelie#able

yo" a#e so"red yo"r o%n blood

yo" #omit "p black bile

+ see decay creepin$ aro"nd yo"r air

and yo"r darkness %ill not ide yo"! no%.

%e come from te stars and beyond te #eils

%e come! %e come

and yo" %ill not stop "s

yo" don(t "nderstand tat te most potent %eapon %e a#e

%as fired by yo"N it(s a %eapon yo" only a#e to fire


65/72

cild of p"rity

do yo" kno% %at tis means8

only tat %en te blood r"ns

+ make it redder.

$lass spiders can be sattered.

fear. ri$tly so.

it is yo"r time.

tis means war ! bitc.

76


66/72

5esus thou&ht

,es"s to"$t lon$ and ard and deep

and e to"$t! yo" kno%

tere(s plenty of lo#e to $o aro"nd so let(s sare it aro"nd

and e to"$t! yo" kno%

let(s all be a%esome to eac oter

and e to"$t!

let(s ,"st cilla- ere and pl"$ into te lo#e c"rrent.

and ten tey cr"cified im.

or did tey8

some%ere o"t tere in te bi$ %ide bl"e %orld

someone(s bein$ a%esome to someone else.

77


67/72

Seventeenhour Loveson&

+ remain a%ake...

conscio"s yet not so! %alkin$ r"nnin$ cra%lin$

tro"$ a a5e of sleepsickness

tat as ne#er been so ,oyo"s.

sil#er b"tterflies flas in front of my eyes

b"t + don(t mind.

+ %rapped myself in yo" %ito"t pa"se to breate

sleep

tink

for ME++ o"rs

+ am deydrated! my troat ollers

for %ater! my ips snap irritably

:lie do%n! $o to sleep.:

yo" are better tan caffeine.

sleepin$ entan$led on a palace of clo"dc"sions

lies a yo"n$ man %it a face like Blake(s an$els

and a lite $olden deatJ

+ can feel teir smiles to"$ + cannot see tem.

7


68/72

sated! satiated! %ole and no% complete.

oney%arm $lo% tro"$ my o%n #eins

s%eetealin$.

te %orld spins! my feet rock! tro%in$ me to%ards sleep

%ell! if all present insist...

+ %ill sleep and + %ill dream of

all tese infernal fa#o"ritesN

a sil#er panter

a sentient pro$ram

a bl"e $"itar

a capti#atin$ addiction

b"t most of all! + %ill dream of yo".

7=


69/72

Conversations "ith a ae

6in&

te lord of te little ones is bri$t and ric in

%ite featers

dark do#e felts and #el#ets

e is a kin$

is eyes are "nner#in$

tey peer at me %ito"t

blinkin$! once.

is eyes are tinted like tree blood on fire

te p"pils are not nat"ral! + cannot foc"sN

eiter ebon or $rey! + can(t see

flo%in$! e-pandin$ like a breat

srinkin$ to pinpoints

li$t s%allo%ed %ole.

:yo"!: + say! not tinkin$! b"t feelin$

fear ropin$ "p%ards from te base of my belly

mo#in$ by bloodp"lses to

te troat! $lo%in$ r"bic"nd and $ory

in its restin$ placeJ

:yo" are notin$ b"t a s"bro"tine in my ead!sometin$ my mind tre% "p to let me cope %it a lack.

79


70/72

of sometin$. + don(t kno% %at.:

is ,e%elled ocre $a5e sifts! is so"lders slip! mo#e like merc"ry

is smile! is sco%l tis snarl! "nc"rls from is troat

mo#es across is ton$"e and %raps aro"nd mine

a sa#a$e indirect kiss! and "tterly silent.

:and yo"!: e says to me! to"cin$ my air

fin$ers lon$! alien! smoot! alabaster

"n%onted b"t not

"n%anted

embarrassed by myself! + t"rn to meet is to"c.

:yo"! my dear

are a f"ckin$ idiot.:

0


71/72

6ee# *reamin& $t's ver

maybe %e(re "nA"stralian! "nable

to patc tese oles in o"r earts. alf of "s

don(t e#en see tem and alf te oter alf feel tem

so keenly tat e#ery re$oodbye eats a%ay

at te eli- of tose oles. o% do %e fi- tis8 o%

do %e find a %ay to make %at %e(re forced! no%!

to sink o"r teet into! more palatable8 o% do

%e learn to lo#e tese siny ne% tin$s %e(re

told %e so"ld8 all ne%! and on te pinnacle of

a dream. + am born from a $eneration of ?CMT b"t

+ can(t let $o of softer dreams. + %ant to #anis

and melt a%ay into nostal$ia tat ealed %o"nds

and id scars. ell! maybe tere %ere no scars.

+ don(t belon$ ere. +(m farsi$ted and too $entle!

"ntameable and more tan alfcra5y! + a#e te %ort

of all d"st and all smoke. %y am + like tis8 and

%y %on(t %ate#er Fod or po%er %o cradles tis

broken little island in teir ands let me drift! as smoke!

back into a past + cannot let $o8

1


72/72

kirryn lia todd - goodbye to juvenilia (poetaster)

Documents