kenyon collegiate issue 1.9

8/3/2019 Kenyon Collegiate Issue 1.9

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Philanders Most Splendiferous Source of News and Gossip. Vol. 1, Issue 9 April 29, 2009

Lentz To Sail West From Grey Haveny Beauregard Beauregard

MITHLOND After an illustrious forty-ar career, Perry Lentz, son of Lucien, willave this Middle-Earth for Valinor to join thees of Elrond Half-Elven, John Crowe Ran-m, and Tammy Gocial.Lentz, a mortal man who never bore a RingPower, is one of a select few to be allowed to

ake this journey. It is unclear whether he will

main mortal once there, or whether Eru willow him to join the Elves and become immor-like Tuor of the House of Hador; support-

s refer to his triumphs against the Poststruc-alist Balrog and the Witch-King Derrida asidence of his worth. His famous invective toling students You shall not pass! is-

ontations.Lentz, often called Perry the White, was theth Chieftain of the Dnedain of Anniston,abama. He was later crowned King Elentzarlcontar on March 1, 2931 of the Third Age,d reigned until the year 120 of the Fourthge, when he abdicated, citing his inability

as a great warrior, and, as heir of Robert Pennarren, bore the shards of Narsil, which, be-re the War of the Ring, was reforged and re-med Anduril, the Flame of the South. He alsorved as the Charles P. McIlvaine Professor ofglish.Lentz leaves behind his wife, two children,

for his loyal gardener and friend P. F. Kluge to-inor, Lentz responded, How do you pick upthe threads of an old life? How do you go on . . .when in your heart you begin to understand . . .there is no going back? There are some things

that time cannot mend . . . some hurts ttoo deep . . . that have taken hold.

When questioned, Kluge answeredMister Perry, I sure will miss you.

Lentz sets sail aboard the S. S. MithValinor immediately following graduatioemonies at Kenyon College this May.

omething Happened Saturdayy Charlie Adams

GAMBIER In response to pleas from arvous community, local police have launchedinvestigation into a large-scale catastrophe

at apparently befell the campus last Saturday.department spokesman reported Monday

at, though investigations are ongoing, prog-ss on the case has been slow.On Sunday morning, we began receivinglls from concerned students, reported Sher-

uth Campus in a state of sheer disarray, lit-ed with debris and sunburned freshmen. Fur-

ermore, several Gambier residents reportedaring gunshots and explosions between theurs of nine and ten Saturday night.These and other details paint a grim picture

a night that, ultimately, remains shrouded in

mystery. So far, no witnesses have stepped for-ward, and tension runs high in the community.Nobody remembers anything, admits seniorKester Johnson. Its pretty scary. All the Face-

book pictures are totally blurred, too. Its likethe whole of Saturday has just been blacked out

of existence.For now, investigators have asked that all

citizens remain calm, and that any studentswith information on the incident step forward.If you remember anything regarding the eventsof Saturday, please e-mail [email protected] to help bring those responsible to

justice.

INSIDE THIS ISSUE:Trendsetting Hipster Claims He Had Neon Sunglasses Before

Sendoff

Clipse: K-Cards Open Doors Too

Indoor Kid Celebrates Earth Day By Opening Window

Skunk Odor Mistaken For Marijuana: Hallmates Disappointed

Attempted Security Write-UpDegenerates Into Slapstick BuffooBy Satchmo Dirk Jerkins

OLD KENYON What should hava routine underage consumption write-uweek quickly degenerated into what w mery nonsense.

At approximately two a.m. SaturdaySafety and Security was called to invereports of an intoxicated freshman at Onyon. Gadzooks! But Ill send the squa

post-haste! exclaimed Captain Fatty Mi

the building, spilling its contents of merr

(Continued on Pa

SPECIAL ISSUE: 50% LARGER, 45% MORE COMEDY


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Modern-Day Philander Chase Proclaims This Will DBefore Going Home With Drunk Freshman

y Dan Schlumphreyd Sheridan Whiteside

GAMBIER HILL Chad Ful-

n, a sophomore from Cornish,New Hampshire, would haveade the founding Bishops andrds of Kenyon College very,ry proud.It was growing dark this pastturday when Fulton felt he hadtgrown the gathering at New

partments, the small frontiermmunity at the outskirts of cam-r his settlement, Fulton calledenry Curtis 10, and togetherey proceeded on horseback intoe gathering dusk.

Fulton and I proceeded alonethe Aclands, Curtis told theollegiate. The side was thickly

with an undergrowth of oakshes, frequently interlaced with

mbling grape vines. We strug-ed through these tangles on ourrses until about halfway downe hill to the Milk Cartons, whenlton, becoming discouragedth that mode of proceeding, pro-sed that we should take it afoot.e dismounted and hitched ourrses, and then proceeded as wellwe could until we emerged at

e bottom.I had no idea who lived there,mitted Fulton. But I pictured

Mornings Songmpervious To Satirey Montana Criminitely

ROSSE HALL Despite bestforts, Collegiate staff membersve not found any satisfactory

gle for lampooning the annoy-gly delightful, unexpectedlyarm, and aggravatingly sincerencert musical Mornings Song.Its a show about gay miners,ported Collegiate curmudgeonornelius Coot. GAY MINERS.his shouldnt be so hard. But allcan see is the composers gor-ous smile.Editor-in-Chief Skeeter Demi-ace gave strict orders to skeweridays performance without the hich was are-you-yanking-my-

ddamn-chain touching, there

Peirces Dinner ForBreakfast Less Suc-cessful Than Expected

was less sarcasm in this reportersheart than there was room for SalSabellas glutes in those tight,tight jeans.

Mines have shafts, cocks haveshafts, continued Coot. I knowIm missing something but thatKenyon girls hair was like spungold, and its very distracting! I betit smells like marzipan!

By Eegull Eggelstein

PEIRCE HALL The com-

Monday after AVI offered dinnerfor breakfast as the only morningoption. As students walked intothe servery, they were greeted byAVI employees happily preparinga combination of deep-fried tila-

pia cereal, scrambled pulled pork,ravioli, and bratwurst. The cerealand yogurt had been removed to

prevent students from missing outon the event. In all, students werecrestfallen that they were unable toenjoy the traditional omelets, eggs,and cereal for breakfast.

We had considered a few dif-

ferent themed options to get stu-

dents excited for meals,Head Chef Burgher Grees humongous Italian sub sandes, but we thought maybe tha little too silly. Breakfast fner had been a big success,

just tried switching that arouWhen asked about the

Johnny Johnson 10 sa thought was scrambled eggcheese. As I took a bite, I reit was acorn squash and succI was about to vomit when those ECO guys told me waste my food.

Peirces n

Know InDesign?

Can you Photoshop?

Apply for next year.

E-mail

[email protected].

Love, your Collegiate staff

here my settlement: the whole panorama of mildly attractiveyoung maidens that lay at our feet,the undulating hips and varyingsurfaces of their unmentionable

regions, eastward, southward,and westward, with the windingsof their supple bodies all were

brought into view, and presentedsuch a scene and landscape of un-surpassed loveliness and beauty.

I knew I was destined to plant

It was that moment when Chris-tine Josephs 12 approached Ful-ton. Standing upon the trunk of an

old fallen oak, and permitteye to pass round the horiztake in the whole prospect,

pressed his delight and satis

mation: Well, this will do!

Chase prepare


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FROM THE ARCHIVES:

An Editor-In-Chief Looks Back, Calls For Chang

FROM THE FUTURE:aving Middle Path Will Lead To Mutant Warfare, Claims Time-Traveling MBy Dan Schlumphreyand Sheridan Whiteside

RANSOM HALL A Monday afternoon in-terview was interrupted when a wounded, time-traveling man came crashing through the door,gasping for breath and clutching a note in his mu-tilated hand.

The man was able to choke out one last sen-tence. Stop dont you mustnt pave he wheezed, blood trickling from his mouth.

Please you must open glarblrrhblf!As his body shuddered and fell, his limbs

slowly disintegrated, leaving nothing but dust andthe battered note. Maintenance was sent for. Sud-denly, the note spread itself open on the groundand produced a six-foot holographic screen, uponwhich the image of the time-traveling man dic-tated the story reproduced below.

Harken, students of the year 2009! I comefrom the future! Heed my words, for the fate ofwhat you know as Kenyon College depends onthem!

In response to the doom-words of the late Par-sons the Destroyer, the administration will paveMiddle Path in 2010 if nothing is done to stopthem. As a result, Hummers, yellow Porsches,

and other primitive, ostentatious gas-consumingcontraptions will clog the Path and all your noses

with death-fumes.Slowly, the Psi Upsilon fraternity o

yon will mutate into bizarre hybrids of m

beneath Kenyon, forming a grotesque and colony, the New New Apartments. Reseand horrible war. Kenyon College, under thership of Warlord and Supreme Physicist min Schumacher, will turn into Kenyon A

battle-training school for tacticians, stra

and warriors.A new hope will emerge in the form of

child. In an effort to destroy the creatures bMiddle Path, the young one will have to dthe Path itself. But deadly radiation will wall traces of Kenyonia.

Help me, Erin Salva. Youre my onlyDont pave Middle Pa AAAARMy arm! [Gunshots] Dennis 2J7Y, into thPod! Hurry! [Gunshots] NOOOOOO! D[Pause] You monstrosities! Scoundrels!

shots] Ill return to the past and becomgrandfathers!

Static followed the transmission.I saw better performance art at Oberlin

tered a prospective student, observing the

tacle. The real question is, does Pierce havreal mixer? Oh, and tell me about the Susto

Louis Francis Albert Edward Collegiate, 3rdrl Collegiate, Knight of the Garter, and Com-nion of the Order of the Star of India, Class of66, Editor-in-Chief

April 29th, 1866It comes to pass that at the end of each aca-mic year here at ouralma materthat it falls toe Editor-in-Chief of the Publication, which yould in your hands at this very moment, to takeong, contemplative look back at the past fourars spent at Kenyon, and to write of their expe-nces at this most hallowed institution of higherucation and gentlemanliness.First in my list of end-of-college observations,must end the tradition of all-student carrier pi-

ons. For too long, students have hidden behinde anonymity and unaccountability of this avianst. Rats of the air, Dr. Johnson called them,d by Jove he was right! They perch upon the

ndowsill of ones dormitory residence, depos-ng not only a message, often uncouth in char-er, but also still their distinctive fecal matter.more, I say! The way gentlemen are to discuss

atters pertaining to Politics, Theology, or the re-est of carriage rides to and from the Mt. Vernoncomotive Depot is either face-to-face or within

e time-honored tradition of the Newspaper Edi-ial, where ones social inferiors cannot hope tompose a response.Secondly, we must create a path across the mid-

e of our campus to ease the efforts of traveling

the college grounds. Theend of your nations CivilWar this year gone by has-

less veterans in the student body, and they seem to-ing the journey from Bex-ley Hall to their lectureson the southern portion ofcampus without equine as-sistance. The years threedeaths from exhaustionand gangrene stand as tes-tament for the need for theestablishment of a middle

path ideally one asgravelly and mud-ridden as

possible.Besides, collapsing from

sheer exhaustion in the au-tumn heat is no way for agentleman to shake loosethis mortal coil. Everyoneknows a man of rank andmanners dies in battle or from the gout!

Thirdly, we must restore the sense of entitle-ment once so prominent among Kenyon men. Itis because we attend this very college that makesus the betters of the great unwashed rabble which

plagues the earth. Who will reign over the unedu-cated masses? Who shall educate and support the

African freedmanquest for equalityshall drive the IrisAmericas cities a

vent the spread Romanism acrosEarth? We as soonalumni of Kenyolege must do our duty to do that wour charge and maworld a better plac

If any ladies hto be reading, plecuse my profanity

And so it is heavy heart thatyou all adieu. I mI shall miss you ally. I fear you Yank

bestowed in me aof sentimentality, that I can never fyou. Hopefully MKenyon will hee

advice and reconsider these accursed traditours.

God save the Queen, and all hail PreJohnson.

I have been, and shall always be,your faithful Kenyon Lo

Louis


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gan slipping left and right on discardeders faces and shattering numerous wind

charge a foghorn to bring about order, only succeeded in deafening himself annearby compatriots.

ted lounging on the steps in plain view.

shanks. After im, boyos!

selves unconscious.

At that moment, sources report, a linederwear-clad miscreants burst from the ing in hot pursuit of a trio of greasedSkimbleshanks exclaimed, Whoooand nudists began a fevered scramble the lawn, the student remaining unnotic

(From BUFFOONERY: Pa

Gossip Squirrel

By Granny Hayes

RANSOM LAWN Saturday night, Ken-yons Motown Band, Detroit Groove, enteredthe Summer Sendoff stage prepared for whatlead singer Todd Wagner 09 later called anexplosion of musical vibration gyration. Fol-lowing his statement, Wagner proceeded tothrow up devil horns and thrust his pelvis, -ration that Collegiate reporters will fail toforget.

However, for all in attendance at the event,the gyrating was performed in its entirety bysophomore guitarist Allen Balls exposed pe-nis, which is widely known around campus asthe peeping pecker.

Ball, clad only in a robe, created a spectacle

that surpassed rap duo Clipse in length, width,

Despite Societal Norms, Motown Penis a Succeand gunshot noises.

Bob Nibbly, head of Safety and Seendowed with a pistol of his own. As iout, he said, and you got me stumped oone folks but the gunshots heard throuthe Clipse performance were actually cfrom that kids johnson.

Nibbly was not the only one awed Motown member. A local dancing townmarked, Put him in a tower, call him Rzel, and lets just say it wouldnt be hgetting him out of that fortress.

In a meeting with the group directllowing the show, Wagner remarked, was always the cockiest member of the bWagner put up his hands, hoping to rec

gence.

Wakey wakey, Kenyon Scholars! Whileany would think the campus was bucklingwn to work it seems that many of you weresy getting down in other ways.A Hanna burrow was successfully visited bye local constables who spent their weekendesiding over crack dealers promoting druge. Makes me glad I get my highs naturallyom leaping betwixt the trees and causing ampus with my nutty mates.To my chagrin, my tree was replaced by awatch for gossip. As I sat on my perch highove the stage, I watched helplessly as bellig-ent hordes descended with heavy steps upones, I watched as an encroaching townie ne-

ected gravity and spilled his tasty brew on ager man. Unfortunately for him, this man

as ready for a tussle. Much like my furiousat with Lonely Squirrel over my belovedphysical combat only to be squelched by

e long arm of the law.Similar scenes were familiar to my eyesat warm eve, and with such intense sun ex-sure, I am now forced to retire to my nookgroom my sun-damaged cheeks.

You know you love me.XOXO,Gossip Squirrel

our one-and-only sourcento the scandalous lives of

Kenyons eliteBy Esteban Sinclaire

- -cially euthanized on Thursday, only a day -curity accidentally mistook the red-headedOutdoors Club member for a troublesomeorange tabby cat that has been lurking around

New Apartments for the past few weeks.

homey lean-to in the woods behind F-block.

This tabby has been giving us trouble allwhen that short, hairy ginger came prancingthrough the forest on all fours, we naturally

assumed we had our target. -

ington even after the freshman repeatedlypleaded that he was, in fact, not a cat.

It takes a lot more than thoughtful, well-articulated arguments in coherent English landed on his feet after we dropped him offthe roof.

Im pretty sure that little shit hissed atme, Franco added. How were we supposedto know?

suspect only moments after injecting Purr-

ington with four times the lethal dose of pen-tobarbital.So apparently cats dont wear glasses,

Franco said. Whatever, it happens. Whatscares me the most is that the real cat is stillout there. Were about 75% sure that tabbystill has its front claws.

Outdoorsy FreshmanMistaken For Stray NewApartments CatTARGET NEUTRALIZED, EUTHANIZED


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Biggoron Sword . . . . . . . . Skeeter DemiglaceGreat Deku Tree . . . . . . . . . . Cornelius CootHero of Time . . . . . . . . . . . Dan SchlumphreyWind Waker . . . . . . . . . Montana Criminitely

Zora King . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Stillwater StevensHookshot . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Mildred GoutVolvagia . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Phylenia OdiousSkull Kid . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Saul OldmanBombchu . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Tigger FrenchWind Fish . . . . . . . . . . . . Sheridan WhitesideDodongo Buster . . . . . . . . . . . Diesel JacksonKokiri . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Luther HoneybucketTwilight Princess . . . . . . . . . . . . Gordelo 3000Gold Skulltula . . . . . . . . . . . . . Charlie AdamsSage of Shadow . . . . . . Beauregard BeauregardHappy Mask Salesman . . . . . Eagull EggelsteinGerudo . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Granny HayesSpin Attack . . . . . . . . . . Satchmo Dirk JerkinsPeahat . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Esteban SinclaireGreat Deku Sprout . . . . . . . Dingo RockefellerCucco . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jean ShortzHeart Piece . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ed Strictly

Consultant . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Navi

Editorial Assistants . . . . . . . . . Saria Smith,Jabu Jabu, Ted Tingle, the Know-it-All Broth-ers, Nayru Love Gnapoor, Donald FireDin, Frank Wind Farore, Bill Bonooru,Ingo Eliasoph, Pierre Nagely, Poe Salesman

Interns . . . . . Rauru Jones, Mike Medigoron, Ep-ona, Mido Hillsford, Deku Stick, Kaepora Gaebora

Bosses . . . . . . . Queen Gohma, King Dodongo,Barinade, Phantom Ganon, Volvagia, Morpha,Bongo Bongo, Twinrova, Ganondorf, Ganon

Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . . . . . . Louis Fran-cis Albert Victor Nicholas Collegiate, 1st Earl Col-legiate of Ohio, KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO

COLLEGIATESTAFF

wo-Buggy Collision Causes Only Minor DisquietMANURE STREWN ALL OVER HIGHWAY 229

y Stillwater Stevens, with additional report-g by Fisher Lapp, Senior Correspondent forennonite and Amish Affairs

AUTOMOBILE WAY Verily, I intimateye, events most distressing as came to passe-half a fortnight ago on thither paved thor-

ghfare.With the blazing saffron orb having returnedits home behind the hills, the Whippletho-

e clan had recently quit its basket-vendingablishment set crosswards from Gambiers

wn square. Having already cleaned the hors- hoof-boots, it remained only for little Amoshipplethorpe to stop his dawdling with theop-and-stick game that so often preoccupiedBy the by, the Whipplethorpes had managedmount the Two Hundred and Twenty-Ninth

ate Way on the family buggy and were oneir passage to the homestead whence anotherrse-powered cart came skittering into thermers path.The ensuing calamitous meeting of woodd horse might have been avoided had notmily patriarch Willis Whipplethorpe beenst in the embrace of thought-fancy concern---ethorpe, as his lips met his pipe. I could do

no other than to follow its way.A crash there was.

No need was there for an exchange of in-surances or monetary promissories; BeilerStoltzfus, who guided the second cart, wasmost profuse with his apologies. All involvedin the mishap agreed to pitch in with repertory

efforts.Fate seemed to smile on the commune thatday, for the Stoltzfuses and Whipplethorpeswere the oldest of friends. Ho, Willis, saidBeiler at the time.

Ho, Beiler, responded Willis.

You Wont ReadThis Sports ArticleTHE YEAR IN REVIEWBy Ed Strictly

By this point, Ive pretty much come to tewith the fact that no one reads these back-psports articles, and so Ive decided to quigame. Next year, there will be no sports atnyon, and even if there are, no one will kabout them any more than they did this y

Before I go, however, Id like to remindof how goddamn clever I can be when comup with these headlines. Here are a few of

years highlights:

Mens Football:Tigers Maul Lords in Season Opener

Womens Lacrosse:Falcons Soar Over Ladies in Home Gam

Mens Soccer:Lords Storm Past Thunder Despite Ruin

Cardigans

Womens Soccer:Terriers Play Dead, Roll Over, Chew U

Ladies Parasols

Mens Outdoor Track:

Faces

Womens Tennis:Ladies Waltz Into Semis, Refuse to Sig

Opponents Dance Cards

Mens and Womens Basketball:Bumblebees Pollinate Ladies, Lords Ri

Their Wings Off

Mens Golf:Gorlocks Grunkle Lords, Cause Bomblat

Womens Softball:Ladies Frostily Ignore Polar Bears as Th

Float, Alone and Starving, into a BarreArctic Saltwater Horizon on a Small, Qui

Melting Shard of Glacier

And of course, my pride and joy, the mySwimming headlines:

Ladies Stone Saints

Ladies Call Entire Division StrumpetsJealous Friends Laugh Begrudgingly

Lords Classify Platypi, Destroy Myster

Ladies Crucify Saints, Make Martyrs

Lords Break Pheasants Necks, Let BlooDrip into the Mouths of Their Hounds

Lords Discover and Kill Last RemaininBuffalo, Use Only Some

Ladies Lobby Pope, Revoke Saints

By Skeeter Demiglace

SERENGETI NATIONAL PARK TheKenyon College Outdoors Club survived an school sponsored international trip. The attackcame less than a year after club members lostthemselves in Sleepy Cow Canyon in DeathValley and nearly died because they couldnt

Club members had awoken early for a roughday of backpacking through the Savannahwhen their camp was ambushed by a pride oflions that had been stalking them all evening.Using nothing but a pocket knife and a com-

pass, Fred Flannel 10 and Kirby Johngrass09 managed to fend off the attacking beasts,killing one and seriously wounding a second.

No one was seriously injured, although To-maso Verdande had to be airlifted to Dodoma,

We used our basic wilderness training andsaid Sally Jet 12, holding back tears. We,like, really came together as a team and it wasa totally awesome and wonderful thing to wit-ness.

Despite the recent spate of bad luck, theClub plans to venture to the Arctic in the hope

of spelunking in icebergs with Polar Bears.

Outdoors Club: 1Serengeti Lions: 0

The Stoltzfuses.

kenyon collegiate issue 1.9

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