karma and an international prank

7/28/2019 Karma and an International Prank

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Karma

By: Leo N. Ardo

Two blocks from campus, Bernie drove under the maple tree canopy alongsidethe frat house to the rear parking area. The twenty-year-old brown Ford pickup

was parked in the last empty stall farthest from the door. Relief filled his soulwhen he turned off the Fordhis plan had worked. He took a deep breath,

closed his eyes, and said a little thank-you to Mom.

A trace of autumn's aroma brought back memories of shopping with his motherfor school clothes. His roller bag was filled with new clothes: four pairs of jeans,

nine t-shirts, ten briefs, ten sock pairs, seven long sleeve shirts, and a heavyindustrial grade hoodie.

He entered the Beta Omega Kappa house as the sixth recipient of the Paul

Sidney Hopkins Jr. full-ride scholarship for a GPA of 3.90+ and communityimprovement. The relative newness of the scholarship and the assistance of Ms.Elizabeth Updike, his high school guidance counselor, made this day possible. At

check-in, he received a two-pound packet of information about the BOKfraternity, code of conduct, campus maps, social calendar, points of interests, listof BOK members, room assignment, and his roommate's biography. Bernie

perused the packet then slid it under the bed.

For the first year, he and his roommate were assigned the basement two doorsclosest to the showers. Must be the code of the fraternity, he thought upon

arrival. The room had one twenty by thirty inch window. Bernie would have notrouble getting his 148-pound body through it, but at five feet seven inches tall,

he was the tallest of the roommates and would need a ladder to reach the latchhandle nearly nine feet above the floor. Without a window to open, it was difficult

adapting to the humidity from the showers and the smell of cleaning chemicals.

* * * * *

Six weeks into the semester, he was already tutoring seven fraternity brothers.He earned the nickname Savvy for his shrewd and practical application of the

information taught in class. Professors and fraternity brothers were impressed bythe depth of his understand and the ability to apply basic knowledge to advancedconcepts of higher level courses. Some teased him of being a guru. If they onlyknew . . . .


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Bernie didn't date in high school. His freshman and sophomore years wereconsumed with the promise to Mom that he would keep up his grades and get a

college education. With Dad, they cared for Mom through the extended fight withlymphoma. She died two weeks into his senior year. Bernie watched Dad drinkmore in an attempt to escape the pain of her death. After a while the drinking was

not enough, and he began to hit. None of his fathers punches were returned. Hewas certainly capable of defending himself. Volunteering two nights each week atthe food bank kept him in good shape. Bernie was afraid someone would

discover the bruises inflicted by his father's developing rage. He might become award of the state if Dad was sent to jail. A foster family, or the system, could

upset his escape plan. It was a simple plan: continue his good grades, keep busyin the evenings with worthy causes, graduate, and use the scholarship to 'get out

of Dodge'.

College was the great escape for Bernie. Nobody knew about his horrible past.

He was respected as himself. He was in love with Pattee Whitehouse, theStudent Union Caf cashier. Life was good. Bernie dated Pattee every morningfor about a minute while he paid for his coffee. It was her smile that hooked him

on the first day of school. Then it was those emerald eyes and that saunteringsouthern accent that hypnotized him when she said, Honey, that will be $3.18.Yall know a bagel is more nutritious than that donut.

"Yall will try a bagel tomorrow," he said. You-all will try a bagel, he thought.

Could I say anything more stupid?

With no dating experience or parents to advise Savvy, the college boy wonderwas Bernie the Lost. The more he thought about it, the harder it became to ask

Pattee for a date. The internal debate tormented him for five and a half months

until he finally decided to take a chance. It's time to ask her. I have got to take

the next step. We have had 164 one-minute dates. It will be okay. If I keep

repeating this, I know I can have the courage to ask her. Oh my gosh, what if she

says no.

He was third in line and could feel the sweat dripping between his shoulder

blades and on his palms. He had let the two from behind go ahead so he couldhave a few extra moments with Pattee. Another student arrived, and Bernie let

her go ahead. He couldnt decide if he was stalling or really needed extra timewith Pattee. At last, he placed his tray on the rack while he paid for coffee, wheattoast, and a heart-shaped, red iced cookie. He found out from the months of one-

minute dates that red was her favorite color and she had an "addiction" for icedcookies.

"Good morning. $5.76. Nice cookie," Pattee said.


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His heart was pounding as he handed her two five-dollar bills, he said, "Nice

morning," while looking out the windows at the snow storm. Gee, that was stupid.He gathered himself then continued, "I picked up this cookie for you. I know you

like . . ."

Two more students arrived at the cashier's station. One said, "Would you hurry itup?"

Bernie watched Pattee glare at the impatient student, then turned to Bernie and

in her sweet southern style said, "Come on back later when it slows down."

Three tables from the cashier station, Bernie noticed his fraternity brother Skim.Skim had earned his nickname because he was fraudulently borrowing from his

old man and superficially attending classes by having one of the freshman "serfs"

attend in Skim's place and take notes for him. His GPA, along with his fathersgenerous donations, was enough to keep him in school. Bernie assumed Skimhad watched the cookie episode play out: Bernie letting people cut in line so he

would have time to talk with the cashier, the red heart cookie gift, and the stare.Bernie had learned from his roommate that three years of college had turned

Skim into a prankster and he was only a sophomore. Bernie wondered what anexperienced dater like Skim thought of his amateurish dating approach.

Bernie felt very awkward and unable to muster enough courage to return andfinish his question. Pattee was different and distant after the Valentine's cookiedebacle. Bernie was lost in a situation he did not understand. Over the following

four weeks, He was happy that their daily "dates" had returned to normal.

On March 14th, three days to St. Patrick's Day, Bernie entered the cashier's line,paid for coffee, hashbrowns, and two green iced derby-hat cookies. He paid with

a ten-dollar bill and swapped the change for a handwritten note and one greenderby cookie.

Bernie ate his breakfast and watched Pattee read the note, four times. It wasnt

until he saw her smile that he could breathe again.

There he wasSkimthird in the cashier line. Bernie was certain Skim hadwitnessed the second cookie exchange. Skim had a devious smile that madeBernie uneasy. He intently watched Skim who was watching Pattee as she read

the note.

Bernie left for his first class thinking, My approach maybe was a little childish and

naive, but it was effective. I have to prepare for our date.


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For three days Bernie was preoccupied with his first date: what to wear, where to

eat, movie options, washing his pickup, and buying a new shirt. He finally had aneed for the social calendars and local restaurant listing that were part of thetwo-pound document packet he slid under the bed on his first day.

At 5:00 p.m. on March 17th, sporting a fresh haircut, Bernie gathered his soap,towel, and shampoo for a shower. He entered the shower area to find only one

open stallfour were occupied and two were out of order. He closed the curtainon the seventh shower, turned the knob, then waited for the hot water. The water

volume from the showerhead was low, which was a common occurrence andexplained the two out of order signs.

A minute later, the water was suitable for showering. He washed his hair,

adjusted the shower temperature, and began to soap his arms when the water

turned green. His two-word, unfinished, angered response, "What the . . . !"triggered the laughter outside the shower. He opened the curtain. Twelvefraternity bothers started laughing louder at his green and pale body: green arms,

hands, chest, stomach, and spotty face.

In a nasally Maxwell Smart imitation, Bernie heard, "The old decomposing greendye pack in the showerhead trick." Anger filled his thoughts. The current situation

was no different than hiding his father's inflicted bruises from his high schoolclassmates and teachers. He could not put Pattee through an embarrassing date

with a green man.

"I'm so good . . . Don't worry . . . It will wear . . . off in a few . . . days," Skimexplained between outbursts of laughter. That was the tipping point. Bernie

punched Skim in the facethe wet green dye on Bernie's fist transferred toSkim's eye, nose, and left cheek. Skim lost his balance and landed on his hip

when he hit the floor.

Bernie said in a calm clear manner, "Don't worry, it will wear off in a few days,and the black eye will need maybe another week."

The room was quiet, and the brothers began to exit the shower area. Bernie

offered his hand to help Skim off the floor. Bernie smiled slightly as more greendye transferred from his hand to Skim's hand.

The shower water cleared, and he attempted to wash the green dye off his skin.

After ten minutes he concluded he would be green for a few days. On the walkback to the room he found his note to Pattee taped on his door. Bernie was now


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emotionally drained. With his head in one hand and phone in the other, he dialedher number.

"Pattee, I'm calling to cancel our date. I am the victim of a house prank andcovered with green dye."

"You are what?" she said with a twinge of anger in her voice.

"I am green: hands, arms, chest, and spots on my face. All green like a . . .leprechaun."

"Is this some kind of joke?"

"No, no. I really am green."

"Look, if you don't want to go out, just say so. Don't create this elaborate story toget out of our date."

"Pattee, I apologize. Can we change our date to next weekend?"

"You know, Bernie, maybe we aren't meant to be together. It has taken you sixmonths to ask me out, you didnt follow through on Valentine's Day, and now

youre creating this green fabrication. Good-bye Bernie." The phone went dead.Bernie was disappointed that she did not trust him.

Next morning Bernie covered as much green skin as possible with gloves, a

long-sleeved shirt, and a visored beanie sock hat.

At the cashier station, Brenda took his money for coffee and a bagel.

"Where is Pattee?"

Brenda replied, "Don't know. She called in and quit this morning."

Bernie never saw Pattee again. Years later, Tina, his wife, never understood why

he refused to wear green.

* * * * *

Bernard Bernie Warner worked for the state department for six years and the

last two as chief of the American embassy intelligence staff in Moscow. Prior tohis state department job, he had toured Estonia, Latvia, and Lithuania with only

the possessions he carried on his back. Those two years spent learning about


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the cultures, religions, customs, and celebrations were the key to his job offer atthe state department. His first assignment was the American embassy in Latvia.

He also credited the green shower prank as a life lesson on how to remain calmin a stressful situationafter a measured response.

Moscow had been an enjoyable experience, but all that could end if today'stransfer was Ivan Skidmorethe infamous Ivan Skidmore of state departmentroyal screw-up fame. He had been bounced from embassy to embassy because

no one wanted to fire him.

Bernard's administrative assistant, Maggie, knocked then entered Bernard'soffice. She handed him a sterile, sealed envelope from the communications

room, then closed the door as she left. The note read:

Bernie: Ivan Skidmore is being transferred to your station.

Please give him a fair opportunity to perform, but if he can'thandle the job, put in the papers to transfer him toWashington. I will take care of the rest. You have worked

wonders with your staff, and I hope you can do the samewith Ivan. I suggest you have Ivan find contacts withinMoscow that we can rely on to supply information aboutterrorists training in Moscow area. Undersecretary Harry

Moss.

It isthe Ivan Skidmore. Why do I get the screw-ups?

Ivan arrived at 2:00 p.m. on Lufthansa Airlines and was ferried from the airport byone of the staff members. Upon his arrival he was escorted to Bernie's office.

"Have a seat, Ivan," Bernard said as he stroked his beard, trying to find the right

words to explain to Ivan his predicament.

"Thank you, sir. Before you get started, please let me say that I know this is mylast transfer. I am going to do so well you will want to keep me. My hopes of

working long-term for my father's company depend on my success here. He hasmade that very clear to me. The past is the past, and I am your new go-to man

starting today."

"That's good to hear."

Bernie thought to himself, I have to let the past be the past, and move on.


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"Your first assignment is to find local police officials that can help us track downterrorists training locations and gather information on cells, etc.

"Here is a contact target list. Beginning tomorrow, we will have a staff member gowith you for a few days to help with navigation and initial contacts."

* * * * *

Mikael Lurustikov, president of Russia, faced the perfect political storm: theopposition party was gaining traction, leaking economic issues to the media; he

was ignoring America's pressing for talks on ending the Syrian civil war pluscollaboration on a terrorism agreement; and the local security services were

becoming ineffective.

President Lurustikov was selling missile systems to Syria at a premium and

pouring that money back into the economy. He could not afford America makingthe missile transactions public. He needed a distraction that would occupyAmerica, and the opposition party, until after the election in eight months.

In a private dinner meeting with his three trusted advisors, Lurustikov soughtadvice on tactics to delay the meeting with America for four months.

Lenov, chief financial secretary, offered, "We need three more months of missilesystem sales to show a 4% improvement in economic recovery. If we can find

another buyer, we can show more progress. The opposition party will bepowerless."

Brezski, former head of KGB, added, "We can use the Martha Petersen tactic

arrest a spy every two or three weeks as a diversion. Spanski would approve. Hetold me the new American embassy intelligence chief has developed tactics for

moving about Moscow by losing our FSB surveillance. If we can make the newchief look incompetent, they will need four to five months to replace him."

Retired supreme general of the military, Gorbaskov, added, "Cameroon could bea potential buyer for missile systems. If Cameroon buys, then Chad will buy.

When Chad buys, Sudan will want to maintain equal capability."

"America will use any meeting with me to discuss the terrorism agreement and

the civil war in Syria. We must delay any meeting with America as long aspossible. They will want contact with regional security officers. The extra spies

could unravel our missile sales program from within Russia or during the civil wardiscussions. We will use the spy exposure tactic until we can afford to stop the

missile sales. Our diversions must keep them busy until that time as we can hide


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our actions or avoid discovery. We will use our networks to 'suggest' how eachorganization directs their forces. The meeting with America can take place when

our actions have ensured re-election," Lurustikov commanded.

* * * * *

Ivan Skidmore was to receive five days of training. After two days, BernardWarner had to assign all the support personnel to a special internal project

analyzing Russian missile inventory.

Ivan stopped by Bernie's office to ask advice on how to proceed. Bernie knew hehad to help Ivan be successful, and protect him from himself.

"Here is what you need to do to ensure your safety: wear a hair piece that does

not match your hair color; take another longer wig that matches your hair color;

get a map and compass; probably take a flashlight if it gets late; wear glass andtake two extra pairs; take two envelopes of 50,000 euros; a couple knives forself-defense; a can of mace; and a cell phone. Stop by before you go, and I will

give you a letter to explain your assignment to the locals."

When Ivan left the office, Bernie called the storage room to explain what itemsthey should give to Ivan.

An hour later, Ivan returned for the letter from Bernie. It was in Russian, and Ivan

asked what it said.

"Basically, it explains your assignment has been approved by the Russian federalgovernment and that you are looking for information regarding terrorist activities

in the area," Bernie translated. What Bernie did not translate was the paragraphoffering to pay 100,000 euros for information.

* * * * *

Ivan was less than a block from the embassy when he picked up a tail. He wassure a tail was following, but he could not sort him from the crowd. After a few

detection procedures, Ivan assumed the tail was lost.

Ivan found the first address. The unproductive conversation lasted five minutes.

The policeman laughed at the letter and gestured at Ivan to leave.

The second contact lasted only two minutes since the policeman did not speakEnglish.


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Twenty minutes later, Ivan entered the office of contact number three. The levelof interest exhibited by the police officer encouraged Ivan.

Ten minutes later, three FSB agents entered the office and arrested Ivan as aspy. He was thrown to the floor, handcuffed, and searched for evidence. He was

kicked twice. Ivan concluded the female agent, Zelda, was in charge. The othertwo followed her instructions.

Zelda spoke to Ivan in clear, precise English. "I have watched you since theembassy. I simply changed scarves and moved my purse. Either you are not

very good at evasion, or you are a diversion. I think you are not good at evasion.This assignment cannot be very important or they would have sent a better spy.

A photographer entered the office and began taking pictures of Ivan. When the

photographer left, a TV camera crew filmed him and the evidence.

When the television crew was gone, Zelda began again, "We were able tocapture you easily because your first contact memorized the first five names on

the list then contacted my superior, Boris Spanski, at the Federal Service Bureau(FSB) to arrange your arrest." Thinking out loud she continued, "Why wouldAmerica send a spy into the field that did not speak Russian? This and otherquestions will be answered soon enough."

Ivan was placed in a van and taken to the FSB holding cell. Fear of Russian

prison time was growing with each progressive event: van transport, enteringFSB headquarters, mug shots, finger printing, and confiscation of personal items.

Sweat started to soak his recycled prison coveralls. He hated himself for takinglife for granted and not listening to his father's advice, skipping through life on his

family's wealth. He was about to go to a Russian prison where his father had noinfluence.

* * * * *

Ivan was in the holding cell when his arrest appeared on Russian television.Bernie watched the story, and then smiled.

"Mr. Warner." Maggie persisted, "Mr. Warner."

"Come in, Maggie," Bernie replied, knowing she was going to inform him of Ivan'scapture.

"Mr. Warner, Ivan Skidmore has been arrested as a spy." She waited for his

response. When he didn't answer on her timing, she repeated, "Ivan Skidmore


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has been arrested as a spy." She watched his eyes, then continued, "Youalready know this, don't you?"

"Have a seat Maggie, and I will tell you a story." Bernie waited for her to sit. "Ivanis an old fraternity brother. He does not remember memaybe it's the beard and

glasses, or probably because he met so many of us serfs in his extended stay incollege. I had difficulty making friends, especially girlfriends. I finally worked upenough courage to ask Pattee Whitehouse on a St. Patrick's Day date. Ivan was

a prankster and rigged the shower to dye me green. I cancelled the date andnever saw Pattee again."

"So you sent him on a bogus assignment to get even?"

"No, no. I sent him on an assignment to become a hero. Yes, it is a little

satisfying to see him in jail, but I have other reasons for him to be in jail.

Lurustikov is playing a game to stall a meeting with us on Syrian civil war and ajoint terrorism agreement. I think he is selling weapons in Syria to help his ailingeconomy, and both of our concerns could expose his tactic. I have suspected the

FSB will pull an old spy game trick of publicly exposing spies as a diversion. Inthe 80s, they exposed a spy every two or three weeks. The first spy exposedwas Martha Petersen. We were busy saving our international reputations."

"So, how does Ivan become a hero?" Maggie quizzed.

"I sent him to the field equipped like an old school spy. The FSB will have egg ontheir face when they make Ivan's arrest public. They will expose Ivan as a spy

and show in great detail all the spy gear in his possession: an obsolete cellphone, way too much cash for the situation, a letter offering millions of euros, two

cheap wigs, three pair of glasses with various prescriptions, a compass with amap of London, two dull knives, and one empty can of Mace. When the list of

items is revealed to the media, someone will began to question the arrest. TheFSB will push back, rattling their sabers. In a few days, they will realize Ivan is a

plant and we are onto them and their diversion tactics. After a few days, they willsecretly transport Ivan to the airport and fly him to Germany. Ivan will be a herofor participating in the ruse, and his father will be proud of him and begin training

him in the family business. Maybe in a few years, he will realize I am the

freshman he dyed green and ruined my date with Pattee."

"Wow. You have been busy."

* * * * *


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The next day Ivan Skidmore's arrest appeared in the U.S. newspapers. Ivan'sfather called the American embassy in Moscow and was forwarded to Bernie.

"Hello, Mr. Skidmore."

"What are you doing to rescue my son?"

"Ivan volunteered for this assignment. His actions will bring about a change in

Russian policy to cooperate on a terrorism agreement. This change is notpossible without your son's effort and sacrifice. You should be proud."

"He volunteered?"

"Yes sir!"

"Will he be okay?"

"I suspect they will release him in about five to eight days. I will call so you can

meet him in Germany." Bernie could hear the unspoken confusion on the otherend of the call.

"Thank you . . . Volunteered? My son? . . . Thank you, you have been very

helpful. Good-bye."

The line went dead.

* * * * *

Three months later, a letter arrived from the U.S. addressed to Bernard Warner.It was from Ivan Skidmore.

Savvy:

Thank you.

My father thinks I am some kind of hero. We are spending quality time

together, and I am learning the family biz.

Congratulations on the successful terrorism meeting between America andRussia last month.


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I had a private investigator find Pattee. I apologize for ruining your date withher, but you will be happy to know I saved you from a mess. She has been

divorced three times.

Again, thank you.

Best Regards,Skim

karma and an international prank

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