jethro, go to hell!

8/9/2019 Jethro, Go To Hell!

1/16

GO TO HELL, JETHRO!

OR

THE ABDUCTION OF PERSEPHONE

CAST:

Demeter: Persephones motherPersephone: Demeters daughterZeus: Demeters bitch and Persephones fatherHelios: Sun GodHercules: A mighty and pretty heroHades: God of the UnderworldCerberus: Guardian of the Gates of the UnderworldJethro:

A mighty and pretty adventurer

Helios enters, stands st. right, observing. Persephone enters mimes picking wild flowers. Hades in long

cloak enters behind her, sneaking up on her in vaudeville bad guy fashion.

Helios:

This is a tale not for the faint of heart. The Rape of Persephone!

Persephone:

WHAT!!

Hades:

Whoa whoa whoa!! I was misrepresented! There was no rape!

Helios:

What was it then?

Hades:

A liberation.

Helios:

Kidnapping

Hades:

Youthful rebellion!

Helios:

Abduction.


2/16

Hades:

(starts to object) Wellthere might have been a little abduction.

Helios:

Agreed. The ABDUCTION OF PERSEPHONE!

Cast:

BA BAAAAAAAAA!!

Helios:

Persephone, daughter of Demeter the goddess of Harvest and of Zeus, King of the Gods was idlypicking wildflowers

Cast chirps like birds

Helios:

when Hades sprung from the ground in front of her

And carried her back to his Kingdom of the Dead, there to be his wife.

Hades grabs Persephone up in his cloak and runs off stage with her.

Persephone:

Weeeeeee!

Helios:

Demeter realized immediately that something was awry. She sought far and wide for her daughter to no

avail.

Demeter enters, dressed as a dominatrix and seeing Helios, partially hides behind curtain, obviously

listening.

No mortal nor animal had seen Hades abduct her fair daughter and so.

Demeter:

Hades!!!

Helios:

What the.! Demeter!!


3/16

Demeter:

Helios! What do you know about my daughters disappearance??

Helios:

Im not telling. Im the narrator. I just tell the story, Im not a part of it.

Demeter:So, as Narrator, you know everything that has and is going to happen, correct?

Helios:

yes

Demeter:

(cracking cat of 9)

Mistress D is going to ride you like a virgin on Midsummers Night!

Helios:Oh. No. AND the narrator exited quickly

(Helios runs off st. left)

Demeter:

Get your fuzzy ass back here!!

Helios:

(off stage)

I shaved yesterday!!

Demeter:

Mistress D is going to make you scream like a sacrifice at Delphi!! Damn Sun God!!

ZEUS!!!

Enter Zeus wearing collar.

Zeus:

Yes dear?

Demeter:

Hades took our daughter!

I want her back right now, do you hear me!!

Zeus:

Now, cupcake..


4/16

Demeter:

Dont cupcake me, you overgrown ferret! I want my daughter and I want her now!

Zeus:

But, honeycakes

Demeter:Remember that sex we were planning on havingever?

Zeus:

Fine! Ill find Hermes and get him to go talk to Hades. Happy?

Demeter:

HARDLY!! Until my daughter is back home with me, Im going to freeze the balls off of all man kind!

Starting with you!!!

(kicks Zeus in the groin and flounces off. Zeus reacts in pain. Then mimes Demeter behind her back.

mugging her)

Zeus:

Hermes!!

Helios enters, Demeter chasing him. Circles Zeus during his lines

Helios:

But Hermes was busy at the moment

Cast:OH Hermes!

Helios:

So he sent Hercules in his place

Helios and Demeter exit

Zeus:

Hercules? Ah Shit.

Hercules:

I am the Mighty and Pretty Hercules.

Zeus:

Right!


5/16

I need you to go find Hermes. Demeter is pitching a fit and I need him to go convince Hades to give

Persephone back. Got that?.

Hercules:

I am Hercules, Righter of Wrongs and Doer of Dones!!

Zeus:Yes. Good for you. But I need you to find Hermes.

Hercules:

I am Hercules, slayer of Slayable Things!

Zeus:

This is what public education gets you.

Hercules, listen to me. GO FIND HERMES!

Hercules:I am Hercules..

Zeus bonks him on back of head

Zeus:

Look, you muscle bound half wit. Go find Hermes and deliver my message or Ill turn you into a littlegirl! NOW GO!!

Zeus storms out. Hercules mugs Zeus behind his back.

Hercules:Hermes! Now if I were the Winged Freak of the Gods where would I be?

searches for a moment, then gets caught up in looking in a mirror.

Jethro enters bounding. Stops by curtain.

Jethro and Hercules:

(Jethro unzips, pauses, both admiring themselves)

Ahhh... I'm sooo pretty!

Hercules:

Ah, here is a traveler. Might he know where Hermes is? Small and modestly endowed traveler, I am on

a mission to aid in freeing the creamy skinned, impossibly curvaceous, sexually adventurousPersephone and return her to her limber mother, Demeter. Now I just need the help of.ofoh wait, I

had it just a second ago..


6/16

Jethro:

Ugh. So did I... damn stage fright... Oh well.

Jethro zips up, then turns.

Jethro:

I accept this mission. Beautiful maidens fear not! I will rescue Persephone of the round bottom and

bring her back safely.

Hercules:

Just a minute, my exuberant friend. I am going!

Jethro:

You? But you are not nearly as pretty as I!

Hercules:

Ha ha! My over-confident friend. I am MUCH prettier than you! I will go save Persephone of the filmy

underpants.

Jethro:

Nonsense! No one is as pretty as I. Surely the maiden would prefer the charms of one such as myself toyours.

Hercules:

Ha ha! Is that a challenge, my foolish friend?

Jethro:

Ha ha! It is, my unwashed friend!

Hercules:

I accept! If I win, then I will rescue the well toned and soft skinned Persephone.

Jethro:

And if I win, I will rescue the large eyed, wet lipped Persephone.

Hercules:

Agreed. Nymphs!

Nymphs come out


7/16

Hercules:

Our first challenge: A test of strength!

Flexes.

Jethro:

Ha Ha, my chicken winged friend. Let me show you how its done.

Jethro flexes. Nymphs ooo and ahhh. Audience participation to find winner. They go through more

flexes. Nymphs shriek and fawn over Hercules.

Jethro:

Very well! The next challenge: How PRETTY we both are!!

Both strike best Pretty pose. Nymphs shriek and fawn over Jethro.

Hercules:

Very well, my acne ridden friend. The last challenge. How Charming we both are. For this I think weneed a very special prop.

Hercules and Jethro coax woman out of audience.

Hercules:

Hello, prop. This is a contest of pickup lines. For the purposes of this contest, we only ask that you

react completely naturally. Unaffected by anyone or anything who could be watching. And expecting

you to be funny. Are you ready? Good. Me first. Ahem. Hello, prop. I am Hercules. Perhaps youveheard of me? Why dont you pretend youre Aphrodite and Ill take you to the Top of my Mt.

Olympus.

Jethro:

Ha ha! My less than eloquent friend. I once pleased a pair of twins and gained mythical treasures. Ishould warn you, Ive caused blindness with my charms.

To volunteer:

Ahhh, prop. I must be lost. I thought paradise was further South.

Hercules:

Why, hello, prop! Ive just moved here from Olympus and Im new in town. Could you give medirections to your bedroom?

Jethro:

Oh my sweet darling prop... for a moment I thought I had died and been brought to heaven. Now I see I

am very much alive, and heaven has been brought to me.

Gives her a rose.

Nymphs swoon over Jethro. Audience members sit back down


8/16

Jethro:

My condolences, my muscle bound friend. Now, where is the silken thighed Persephone being held at?

Hercules:

Hell!

Jethro:No reason for language, my sulky friend!

Hercules:

No, shes being kept in Hell. By Hades.

Jethro:

WHAT!! You never said anything about hell or Hades!

Hercules:

Woops. My bad.

Jethro:

Why you little

Hercules:

You won, fair and square, my foolish friend. The quest is yours!

Hercules puts his arms around nymphs.

Catch ya later. Hero.

Jethro:Wait, how do I get to Hades?

Hercules:

You fall down..and keep going.

Jethro:

How am I supposed to fall down?

Hercules punches him.

Jethro:

...didn't hurt.

Jethro falls down.

Helios:

(running across stage being chased by Demeter)


9/16

And he kept going

Hercules and nymphs exit.

Cerberus enters.

Cerberus:A MAN!!!

Jethro:

Beautiful dulcet voice! Herpeles! Persephone!

Cerberus:

Hardly. Im Cerberus.

Jethro:

The three headed bitch?

Cerberus:

Thats a lie spread by my ex-husband. Hes jealous of any self-possessed, independent woman with abigger dick than his. In the divorce settlement I asked for the keys to the gates of hell and now Im

stuck watching the damn things. Just wait till he dies!

Jethro:

Then, beautiful maiden, Im looking for Persephone of the quivering bodice.

Cerberus:

Oh, her. Hades ordered up room service an hour ago. Guess theyre still at it.

Jethro:

Sweet gossamer robes! Quick, tell me where she is.

Cerberus:

Why do you want her when you can have..me.

Jethro:

You got a good pointtwo of them actually. Ah..to be torn between duty and desire. No, No. I must

protest.

Spins Cerberus into his arms and kisses her.

Jethro:

No, really. I must be going.

Kisses her again. Shes getting more and more dazed in his arms.


10/16

Jethro:

Youre a hard lady to say no to.

Kisses Cerberus a long hollywood moment. He releases her. She stumbles about for a moment lookingdazed and confused.

Jethro:

But I must go rescue the readily available Persephone. Thanks Babe.

Cerubus gives a thumbs up and points to where Hades is standing with back to audience in middle

curtain.

Jethro:

AH! Excuse me, madam!

Hades:

I beg your pardon! Im Hades.

Jethro:

Oh, sorry about that. From the back, you REALLY look... ah well.

Im here to bring that bright and beauteous maiden, Persephone back to her grieving mother. So shewill let spring flourish over the land again.

Hades:

Good for you. Go away.

Jethro:Im afraid I can't leave without the double jointed maiden.

Hades voice suddenly starts raising and lowering in octaves.

Hades:

UmmHAHAHAHAVent seen her. Double jointed???

Jethro:

Really. Thats.awkward.

Hades:

Um..YES YES YES.! No fair MAIAMAAMAIDENS here Im afRAID. Thanks for STOPPING BY

though. What was your name again?

Jethro:

I am Jethro. A mighty adventurer. Im so


11/16

Hades:

Oh yes. Quiet right. Im sure youre VEEREREREEEERy buSY SOI shant KEEP you

Jethro:

Thats a nasty speech impediment you have there, Hades.

Hades:AHAHAHAHHHHHHH.yes. Something CAUGHT in my THROAT!

Jethro:

Here, let me just pat you on the back.

Starts beating him on the back.

Persephone:

(hidden in front of him)

OW!! My nose!

Jethro shoves Hades aside. Persephone is revealed on her knees, coughing.

I swallowed some!!!

Jethro:

HA!! Beauteous maiden! You must come with me.

Persephone:

Youre swingers?

Jethro:

WHAT? Uh..no. I mean, go before me.

Persephone:

Ohhhkinky.

Jethro:

No..um I meanlet us return to your mother who is most desperate to be reunited with her fair

daughter. Kinky you say? You ever tried...

puts arm around Persephone and starts whispering in her ear.

Helios:


12/16

enters with collar.

Thats it! Everyone stop! What the hell is wrong with you people? Im gone for 1015 minutes! Stop

touching her!! You over there. You over there. And stop grinning!! Persephone, get over here. Wipe

your mouth. Now..what did you eat.

Persephone:

Pomegranate.

Hades:

I named it.

Helios:

oh my gods. How many times?

Persephone:

Six.

Helios:

Right. Rewriting that. She ate 6 Pomegranate seeds, you dirty bastard. Have a cigarette. Good job. And

you (looking at Jethro) umWho the hell is this?

Jethro:

I am Jethro, a mighty and pretty adventurer here to rescue the plump lipped Persephone and return herto her mother so spring can rule over the land again.

Persephone:Spring? What do you mean?

Jethro:

Your mother is cloaking the land in winter till her daughterthats youis returned to her.

Hades:

Ex-Nay on the Winter-ay.

Persephone:

But, Hades. You said you talked to my mother and she was fine with me staying here.

Halios:

HADES!!!! SHAME ON YOU!!

Jethro:

Thats right. Your mother said she wanted you to stay with me, Persephone of the nimble fingers.

Hades:

She Did not!!


13/16

Persephone:

Wait a minute!!! My mother wants me to stay with both of you!!

Helios:

Certainly not!! She wants you to come and stay with me.

Hades and Jethro:HEY!!

Helios:

Im writing the story here!! And Ill just write you both out of it!! Hades and Jethro look into each

others eyes and fall madly in love!!!

Hades and Jethro:

NOOOOOOO!!

Helios:

Hahahahaahaa!!

Jethro and Hades look at each other then burst out into I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU song from

Moulin Rouge, approaching each other as if to kiss. GETS INTERRUPTED BEFORE THAT

HAPPENS.

Persephone:

WAIT A MINUTE!!! Give me that book!!

(wrestles book from Helios)

Helios:Give it back, Devil Woman!!

Persephone:

FREEZE!!

All players freeze.

Mother goes to hell.

Enter Demeter:

Demeter:

Peerrrseeeppppphhhh.HADES?? What the?PERSEPHONE!!!!

Mother and daughter rush into each others arms.

My darling girl!! You must be starving!!


14/16

Persephone:

Nope. Im actually pretty full.

Demeter:

Pretty full.Persephone, what have you eaten!!!!

Persephone:Um.Nothing.

Demeter:

Give me that book!

Takes book from Persephone and flips quickly through it. Gets to part about swallowing.

You didnt!! How many times do I have to tell you!!! SPIT!!!

Hellioswait a minute.

Looks at book. Puts 2 and 2 together. Gives audience a huge smile.

Persephone.um.mommy will be right back.

Writes in book. Then slinks behind curtain. The three men look at each other thoroughly terrified.

Helios:

Not again.

Demeters finger comes out and crooks to them.

Hades and Helios start to cry and walk towards curtain.

Jethro:

Sweet Artemiss Arrows!!

All three disappear behind curtain. Screams are heard. Clothes thrown about. Terrified shrieking.

Jethro comes tearing out wearing a womans sheer night robe, lipstick smeared across his face. Hades,

Demeter and Helios running after him. Hades and Helios are in equally ridiculous costumes.

Jethro:I got the book!! Hahahaaaaa!!

FREEZE!!

They all freeze in midstep.

Jethro, King of the Underworld, takes the curvaceous Persephone as his wife.


15/16

Hades:

WHAT THE..!!!!

Cerebus walks across stage, gives Jethro a come hither glance and exits.

Jethro:

Every 6 months though, Persephone must go and spend half of the year at her mothers place, leavingthe mighty and pretty God of the Dead to his owndesires.

Hades, a mighty adventurer, returns to the land of the living and pays off all of Jethros debts. Helios

goes and gets raging drunk with Dionysus. And Demeter returns spring to the land again. Everyone

lives happily ever after.

Jethro is So PRETTY!!!!

Closes book.

Helios:

I have the strongest craving for rum.DIONYSUS!!!

Helios exits

Hades:

YOU LITTLE SNEAK!!

Jethro:

Ah ah! God of the Dead to you, Mister. Dont forget to tip the waitress an extra fifty at Delphi. Im SOPRETTY!!

Hades:

Ill get you, Jethro!! IF its the last thing I do!!!

Hades storms off.

Demeter:

Good bye, Daughter. We will see each other soon. And then, spring will flourish upon the land. Until

then.treat your new husband with the love and devotion that your father and I have shared for somany years.

Demeter exits. Jethro moves to take Persephone in his arms.

Jethro:

Alone at last, sweet tempered Persephone.

Persephone:


16/16

Thats right, dear husband. Completely alone.

Turns and drops toga to reveal leather bustier, black long skirt, boots and a whip.

Whos been a naughty boy!!

Jethro:OH..MYGOD.

Persephone:

Dance, MONKEY BOY!!!!

(cracks whip)

Jethro:

HEEEEELLLP!!!

Runs off stage

Persephone:

I will use your tears as lubrication!!

Exits after Jethro.

Enter Helios.

Helios:And they lived happily ever after

Jethro:

AH!! MY ASS!!!

jethro, go to hell!

Documents