jeb the musical

8/17/2019 Jeb the Musical

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IMPORTANT NOTE TO THOSE JUST JOINING US -

PLEASE DO NOT CHANGE WHO THE CHARACTERS

ARE / IMPORTANT PLOT THINGS - WE SPENT A LOT

OF TIME WORKING THAT OUT LAST NIGHT

HOWEVER, ALL NEW IDEAS ARE WELCOME FOR

SONGS AND HELPING MAKE GOOD RHYMES AND

RAPS

JUST DON’T GO ON A DELETING SPREE OF WHAT’S

ALREADY EXISTING - TRY AND ADD MORE TO

SONGS THAT HAVEN’T BEEN MADE YET

HERE is !" #"$i%%i%$ &' !" ()*(+ +(

.PLEASE PUT YOUR NAME IN THE

AUTHORS SECTION IF YOU WORKED

ON THISPUT YOUR NAME NAME IN BOLD IF

YOU PUT A LOT OF WORK INTO IT,

EITHER BY WRITING SONGS, EDITING

A LOT OF SONGS, DEVELOPING

IMPORTANT PLOT/CHARACTERPOINTS, ETC


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I made us a photo - Alex Cohen


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REVIEWS0

"High energy play for such a low energy candidate." - Donald Trump

“The est wor! aout a failed residential candidate since the #itt $omney %etflix

documentary that you&'e proaly ne'er heard of.(- Disgruntled $epulican

“)et&s dispel the notion that *arac! +ama doesn&t !now what he&s doing. He !nows exactlywhat he&s doing.( - #arco “$ooto( $uio

“,et fuel can&t melt steel eams.( - eorge “Duya( *ush

“ell not with THAT attitude.( - Dic! “Dic!( Cheney


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“eorge *ush doesn&t care aout lac! people.( - /anye est

“e thought ,e would e a shoo-in with the millions of dollars we ga'e him. *oy were we

wrong.( - Anonymous all 0treet Donors

“It&s a #100.( - )arry Da'id

“)ife can e a challenge. )ife can seem impossile. *ut it&s ne'er easy when there&s so much

on the line.( - Herman Cain2 former 3445 $epulican residential Candidate2 6uoting

Pokemon: The Movie 2000

“Do you thin! od stays in hea'en ecause he2 too2 li'es in fear of what he&s created7( - 0te'e

*uscemi2 Spy Kids

“The candidate for guacamole.( - Turtle

“It&s not fair that 89 of the play owns ::9 of the ,e;( - *ernie 0anders

“According to all !nown laws of a'iation2 there is no way that a ee should e ale to fly. Its

wings are too small to get its fat little ody off the ground. The ee2 of course2 flies anyways.

*ecause ees dona actually stored grains.( -*en Carson

“Cho!e me daddy.( - Tumlr2 concerning *ernie 0anders

“¯\_(ツ)_/¯” -idk man I’m a meme loving fuk

“? @ @2 “ ʖ

“Top !e!(

“This is honestly the cra>iest presidential election in history( -Innocent *ystander

“*y *ush for *ush B&( - ush fam

“oung #etro trusts him.( - itchfor!

“e are writing ,eTrump fanfic right now.( - Tumlr or AoE2 proaly

“...( -$oger 1ert


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“Hamilton was originally intended to e aout ,e; Howe'er2 we thought at the time that it

would e more mar!etale if the script were rewor!ed to e aout Alexander Hamilton. ou&'e

shown us that we were wrongB a musical aout the life of ,e *ush is exactly what the world

needs right now.( - The cast of Hamilton


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JEB1 AN AMERICAN

DISAPPOINTMENT1.P+"(s" C+(

A story of the tortoise and the Hair ?who shot him

Fay,ey FleaseClap


9/149

A*!&2s

.PLEASE PUT YOUR NAME HERE IF YOU WORKED ON THISPUT YOUR NAME NAME IN BOLD IF YOU PUT A LOT OF WORK INTO

IT, EITHER BY WRITING SONGS, EDITING A LOT OF SONGS,

DEVELOPING IMPORTANT PLOT/CHARACTER POINTS, ETC

ritten y ?in alphaetical order y last nameB

Ali>a Aaranel

A%%( A#2(!(3

Chloe Arnold

M(i2"i A%(%!(2(3(%

)u!ia Artema!is

Adrian *elmes ? you unleashed the east2 you fuc! ily adrian

E33( Bi+#2"$ohit *iswas

,essica *orin

,oshua *urton

Alexis Carel

Deorah Chai

etrina Chan ?0he cute

*randon Chang

#ichael Chin

hoee Clar!

A+"4 C&!"%

5()! C&!"% .6&6 s& 3(% )&!"%s

R()!"+ C&!%

,oshua Cross-*arnet

0am Dait>man

)auren Dattilo

ayton De )a Cru>

Gach De +campo ?“Another one( -D, /haled )+) Gach )ol

K(i" D"Wi

#ary arren Dic!ensorest 1dwards

Gach 1hrlich

A+"7(%82& Esi%&s(

$oss loyd

Haley ica

0tephen riedrich ?so many stephenstefans ?*A*1E


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0arah Har'ard

#addie Hart!e

C(ssi8 Hi++

,T Hinchen

L*9" H(%

,emma Howlett

#eghana ,ayam

/athrin /aJderowic>

,uliana /aplan

0amantha /argilis

$eecca /i

Dylan /ing

#ichael )ahanas

Allyson )arcom

Alex )iaoM&++ Lii

,ulia #achado ?I was planning on going to ed E hours ago2 than!s pa

,essica #alerman

raedon #artin

1than #ar!

,ade #atias *ell

A%82"i( M(&s

+ren #aximo'

)ogan #eti>

$achel #iga$e!ha #ohan

S&!i( M&2(+"s

B2i8$" M&*%'&28

Gach alumo ?more >achs

,enny ar!

C(+"%" P(22is! ?$I %ewt&s moon colony

1'an incus

Anna iwowar

#arisa $ay

0am $i>er

,anine $ogers

Daniel $ui>-*etancourt

Asya 0agna!

1mmet 0anderg

A2i"+ S(*2i

Caroline 0ar!o>i


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H(%%(! S)!3i

Alan 0ilererg

rana' 0harma

Gach 0ilererg ?wow so many >achs

S(3 S+"8:i"s9i

Apitha 0ri'icharn!ul

Ktefan Colton

$uthie 0tewart

0tephen 0ondheim ?cool

,essie 0paracino

$eecca Tarnopol

#ason Tipton

%athan Tri'ers

1li Ldler ?Am I the first L7 wooooo

)ucas Ln>e$iley oodford


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C(s Lis

?Hamilton ,e; *ushB He&s a mess

?*urr Donald TrumpB ,e&s Chief $i'al

?ashington eorge *ushB ,e&s *rother

?,ohn )aurens ,ohn #cCainB 0enator and ,e&s riend

?)afayette )indsey rahamB 0enator and ,e&s riend

?Hercules #ulligan Chris ChristieB o'ernor and ,e&s riend

?1li>aB lorida MotersB ,e )o'es Them

?AngelicaB lorida InterestsB ,e ants to *e ith Them

?eggy lorida #oneyB ,ust /ind of There

?/ing eorge *ill Clinton*arac! +amaHillary ClintonB 1'il Democrats

?Charles )ee 0arah alinB Almost Mice resident - heeee;

?,efferson Ted Cru>B Initial Campaign $i'al

?#adisonB ,ohn /asichB Initial Campaign $i'al

?,ohn Adams #itt $omneyB Disparages ,e

?#aria $eynolds Intern from $ ersonB They 0educe ,e

?hilip Hamilton #arco $uioB ,e&s )iteral 0on

?0amuel 0eaury *ernie 0andersB i'es arnings

?randpa 0chuyler *en CarsonB )ost His lace in the Campaign

?Theodosia I'an!a TrumpB Trump&s +ne True )o'e


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S&%$ Lis

Act IB

8. ?Alexander Hamilton ,e; *ush2 1xclamation oint3. ?Aaron *urr2 0ir Donald Trump2 Chump

E. ?#y 0hot #y ?1xclamation oint;N. ?The 0tory of Tonight The 0tory of Ira6O. ?The 0chuyler 0isters The lorida #achineP. ?armer $efuted 0anders $efutedQ. ?ou&l l *e *ac! ou&ll *e *ac! ?To Democrats5. ?$ight Hand #an $ight ing #an:. ?A inter&s *all A 0ummer&s $ally84. ?Helpless Moting88. ?0atisfied +n +ur 0ide 83. ?The 0tory of Tonight $eprise The 0tory of Ira6 $eprise8E. ?ait for It ay or It8N. ?0tay Ali'e 0tay in the $ace8O. ?Ten Duel Commandments Ten Deate Commandments 8P. ?#eet #e Inside #eet Them +n 0tage8Q. ?That ould *e 1nough At )east That&s 0omething2 $ight785. ?uns and 0hips He&s %ot #itt8:. ?History Has Its 1yes on ou ox %ews Has Its 1yes on ou

34. ?or!town Iowa ?,e is the *est e&'e ot38. ?hat Comes %ext ho Comes %ext733. ?Dear Theodosia Dear I'an!a3E. ?%on 0top ull 0top

Act IIB

3N. ?hat&d I #iss7 #y oll %umers ,ump3O. ?Cainet *attle F8 Deate F83P. ?Ta!e a *rea! Ta!e a *rea!3Q. ?0ay %o to This uac *owls or This35. ?The $oom here It Happens $unning for +ffice3:. ?0chuyler Defeated Carson Defeated E4. ?Cainet *attle F3 Deate F3E8. ?ashington on our 0ide .+... +n our 0ide E3. ?+ne )ast Time +ne )ast 0hot at the CampaignEE. ?I /now Him I /now HimEN. ?The Adams Administration The $omney Humiliation

EO. ?e /now e /nowEP. ?Hurricane HurricaneEQ. ?The $eynolds amphlet The uac *owl #emesE5. ?*urn *ern E:. ?*low Ls All Away *low Lp our CampaignN4. ?0tay Ali'e ?$eprise 0tay In The $ace ?$epriseN8. ?It&s Ruiet Lptown It&s entle Down 0outhN3. ?The 1lection of 8544 The 1lection of 348PNE. ?our +edient 0er'ant our +edient Mice residentNN. ?*est of i'es and *est of omen *est of riends to 0leep ithNO. ?The orld as ide 1nough The ield as ide 1noughNP. ?ho )i'es2 who Dies2 ho Tells our 0tory ho ins2 ho Drops2 ho #emes our 0tory


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ACT I


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;< J"#1 B*s!, E4)+(3(i&% P&i%

SDL% DLH DLH DLH DLH DLH DLHSSdoo dee doo dooS

T2*3B How does the pampered rother2 son of a eorge and a *arara2

Dropped in the middle of a forgotten spot with some loridians2

*y politics and Charles /och&s donations

row up to e a failure to his nation7

C!2isi"0 The million-dollar2 front runner2 engra'ing gunner

ot no farther y wor!ing no harder

*y eing no smarter *y eing a non-starter

*y NO2 they placed him in charge of a state charter

C2*:0 And e'eryday while 'otes were eing written and cast away across the states

,e refused to e a goner

Inside he was ready to e Just li!e his father

*ut his rother was the one who the country decided to go and honor

K(si)!0 Then a recount came

And litigation rained

+ur man saw his future drip2 dripping down the drainCalled some lawyers to his office2

And started up a campaign

And he wrote his first refrainB

An exclamation y his name

T2*30 ell the word got around2 they said

“This campaign is lame2 man.

Too! up a collection Just to gi'e the guy some game2 man

et yourself some donors

Don&t forget your family namee already !now your name2 what&s your name2 man7

J"#0 ,e *ush2 exclamation point.

#y name is ,e *ush2 exclamation point.

And there&s a million things I ha'en&t done

*ut please Just clap2 please Just clap.


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F+&2i8(0 At OP his rother split2 term up2 low rating

%ext election saw #cCain and his arty&s lead fading

hat a Jo!e

They reali>ed they were 6uic!ly losing 'otes

(a hushed whisper) And +ama got elected and the arty went croa!

GWB Thought he&d run the next time ut $omney went and sho'ed him aside2

)eft him with nothing ut family pride2

0omething new inside2 a 'oice

0aying “,e exclamation point2 you should go(

He started retweeting and meeting e'ery foe of *arry +.

T2*30 There would ha'e een more things left to do

or someone more astute

He would ha'e regained and restituted

the *ush family institution

0tarted wor!ing2 lur!ing on his !id rother&s fan oards

$eframing something dum he said2 an image he can ill afford

0canning for e'ery soundite he can get his hands on

lanning for the future2 see him now as he plans for

That con'ention2 heading towards Cle'e-)A%D

In Cle'eland2 get the nomination;

E%s"3#+"0 In Cle'eland2 get that nomination; ?,ust you clap

In Cle'eland2 get that nomination; ?,ust you clap

In Cle'eland2 get that nomination;

In Cle'elanddddd

JUST YOU CLAP11

,e *ush2 exclamation point;

e are waiting with an “eh( for you

ou would always ac! down

And Donald eat you e'ery TIII-II-IIII#12 +HHHH

,e *ush2 exclamation point;

America shrugs for you

Do they !now what you o'ercame7Do they !now that you&re !ind of lame7

The orld will pro&ly e the same

T2*30 ,e is on the campaign now2 see if you can spot him

Another *ush rother2

0craped from the arrel&s ottom


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The Donald destroyed his rep2

America said “%ot him(

C2*:/K(si)!/C!2isi"/G2(!(3 B #e2 I fought with him

V&"2sB e2 we= heard of him7

WB #e2 I trusted him.

R*#i&B #e2 I lo'ed him UdaddyV.

T2*3B And me7

?music cuts out

I&m up in the polls2 342 E4 points2

And then there&s ,e2 he&s got li!e O points2

He&s an emarrassment to his family2 low energy2

hat a sad2 sad man2 he&s a mess.

E%s"3#+"0 There is one ig thing you&'e ne'er done2

*ut Just you clap.

T2*30 hat&s your name again7

A++0 ,e *ush2 1xclamation oint;


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=< D&%(+8 T2*3, C!*3C!&2*s0 Two thousand and fifteen. ashington DC.

J"#0 ardon me2 are you Donald Trump2 Chump7

T2*30 That depends2 who&s as!ing7

J"#0 +h2 uhmp2 humph2 I&m ,e *ush2 1xclamation oint2 I&m at your ser'ice2 Chump.

I ha'e een=loo!ing for you.

T2*30 I&m getting ner'ous.

J"#0 rump2 I heard your name in %ew or!2 I was see!ing to campaign for an elected office2when I got in this line due to this last name of mine. ou pro&ly !now it2 my ro and dad oth -

they guided as they presided W

T2*30 ou mean as resident7

J"#0 es; I want to lead this country2 go'erned lorida2 I ran and got elected2 they loo!ed at me

li!e I was lame2 I&m not lame. *ut for the general. How did eorge win doule terms7

T2*30 It goes to show Just what the people will affirm.

J"#0 It&s coercion; +f course;I&m his rother; od2 I wish he hadn&t swore

That we were fighting a Just war2 Ira6 lost us so much more

T2*3B Can I uy you a Trump 0tea!7

J"#0 That would e nice.

T2*3B hile we&re tal!ing let me offer you some deal ad'ice

Tal!=loud.

0ay dum shit.Don&t let them !now that you&re a raging hypocrite.

J"#0 ou can&t e serious.

T2*30 If you wanna get ahead2

ools who are low-energy2 wind up=,e.


19/149

C!2isi"0 --o yo yo yo;

hat time is it7

M)C(i%0 Mote time;

T2*30 ...)i!e I said=

M)C(i%0 Mote time2 'ote time.

o2 I&m ,ohn #cCain right here in DC;

Couple pints of *udweiser ut I&m wor!ing for free;

Those Democrats don&t want it with me2

Cause I will ta!e down these li&rals Xtill we succeed;

G2(!(30 es2 yes2 my friends2 it is I2 )indsey raham

0outh Carolina&s charming conser'ati'e front-man

I came from the 0outh Just to spea! with my mouth

Lse my soothing accent to get to

The hite House

C!2isi"0 *raaah; *raahh; I am o'ernor Chris Christie

Lp in it2 lo'in& it2 runnin& the arden 0tate2 %ew ,ersey

Close down your ridges and 0uwaysT#2 delays

These days2 the gays are ala>e2 please pass the mayonnaise7

G2(!(30 %o more time for handsha!es with +ama

)et&s raise a couple to our arty&s melodrama.

M)C(i%0 ell if it ain&t the prodigy of ordham Lni;

C!2isi"0 Donald Trump;

M)C(i%0 i'e us a pump2 say what you see.

T2*30 ood luc! with that2 you


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>< M .E4)+(3(i&% P&i%

J"#0 I am not throwin& away mah point;%ot throwin& away mah exclamation - point;

Hey yo2 I&m Just li!e my country I&m excitale and Jumpy2

And I&m not throwin& away mah point;

Imma score an endorsement from the $%C2

Don&t mean to rag ut dag who else could it e7

onna win the nomination2 sa'e the +

1'ery day ma!in& my way to the residency2 you !now it&s me

I&m the next *ush up in line2 ut unli!e my ig *ro

I told the I'ies no and taught the !iddies down in #exico

That&s where I met a stunner2 this iddie named Columa)earned some 1spaYol2 scored her numa2 and from huh ?her

I ha'e gained a really lo'ely wife2 true lo'e of my life

And with her assistance we&ll win the )atino 'ote2 right7

The plan is to man this platform and campaign

*ut I guess if I&m gonna run then I should spell out my name.

I am the ,-+2 H-%2 1-)2 )2 I-02 *-L2 0-H2 well

They call me ,e2 and that&s all fine and swell

#eanwhile these Democrats ma!in& me yell2 and Hell

*e the +TL07 eah2 I guess I might as well.

Cause *arac!&s left this land with an awful smellHe ain&t ne'er gonna stop the gangs and drug cartels

0o we need a new election2 stop this infidel

Alarm ells

E%s"3#+"0 o off as the arty yells

J"#0 *ut Just watch as this *ush drops some mad omshells

Imma put this nation ac! under my family&s spell

Cause sweet ,ey&s rhymes flowin& li!e hot caramel

?CHORUS

G2(!(30 I dream of neocon presidencies

)oo!s li!e %o'emer we will see +

+2 how you say7 A House #aJority7

The progressi'e side&s dead with *ernie and Hillary


21/149

That&s a--

A++ (as Lindsey air dri!es a "ake asketa!! and swishes into invisi!e hoop) 0 oint;

C!2isi"0 o2 I&m 0pringsteen&s iggest fanoy

0pending 54 grand at the iants& concession stands2 oyI&m Joinin& up with Donald cause I&m sure it&s my chance

To ad'ance2 maye he&ll let me e his 'ice presidance

1h2 you get my

A++ (as #hris #hristie serves and spikes a "ake vo!!eya!!)0 oint;

M)C(i%0 *ut we&ll ne'er e truly free

Lntil we alance out this extreme far right +

All of you2 gotta do what&s right for the arty

This arty2 it&s aout time to get this shit started

)i!e in!;

A++0 1xclamation point;

T2*30 eniuses2 mo'e off to the side

I&m gonna ma!e this election cycle one wild ride

I&m the orange2 crass loud-mouth who can&t e stopped

ou&re gonna e pulicly taught at deates2 you&re gonna get moc!ed;

J"#0 Hey2 TrumpB /noc!2 !noc!2

ho&s there7 hat a shoc!2 it&s ,ey from the loc!I&m ser'in& up some spicy guac2 and it&s hotter than hot

If you can&t eat it you can lea'e it2 and step right off my Joc!

hat are the odds that od would put us all in one spot7

oppin a s6uat on con'entional politics li!e it or not

A uncha mediocre ammunition-friendly scared e'angelists

i'e me a donationWshow me where the AC money is;

+h am I tal!ing too soft7

I ne'er get o'er excited2 or e'er shoot off2

I&'e ne'er had a group of friends efore.I promise I won&t tic! y&all off.

S&3"&%" (worried)0 0hould we put him in front of a crowd=7

J"#0 I am not throwin& away mah point;

%ot throwin& away mah exclamation point;

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPQT5abPiBUhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPQT5abPiBU


22/149


I am not throwin& away mah point;



Hey yo2 I&m Just li!e my country I&m excitale and Jumpy2I am not throwin& away mah point;

J"# S*&2"20 1'eryody sing;

,e; ,e; ho is heeeee7 ho is heeeee7 eah;

ho is heeeee7 ho is heeeee7 eah;

0hout it to the rooftops; I said shout it to the rooftops; C&mon;

J"#B $ise up;

hen your rother&s in command2 you rise up;

hen Trump is out of hand2 you rise up;

Tell my mother that I&m gonna rise up;

C!&2*s0 od2 when is he gonna rise up7

He&s so damn dra please spea! up;

od2 when is he gonna rise up7

He&s so damn dra please spea! up;

$ise up;

J"#B I&'e imagined this so much it feels more li!e a memory

How&m I gonna I win this7 *eg and plead7 Collect e'en more money7

I can feel it coming I&'e got to run. ,e don&t let it e;348P will e the year for me;

I ne'er thought I&d li'e to see the day

hen it&d e ,e&s turn to ha'e it his way

As! any *ush why we go to war and eat ore2 settle our scores2

e&'e got to ta!e the fast lane and ac! door.

0cratch that2 this is not the fast lane2 it&s a campaign

here the nomination&s a guarantee of your future reign

Dems oppose us2 we ta!e a right wing stand

e roll li!e $eagan2 claimin& our promised land.

And if I win the nomination7 Is that a guarantee of sa'ing our dear nation7+r will the 'otes we lost egin an endless cycle of filiusters and stagnation7

I !now the rallies for the Trump are excitin&2 ut ,esus2

*etween all the screamin& and lyin& I&'e een spea!in& and sighin&.

e need to handle the far-right situation;

Are we a arty for igots7 ho&s our front runner lamin&7

I&m past policy Xsplainin; I&m relati'ely spendin& e'ery AC donation


23/149

1'ery ad is an act of insultation;

I&m cryin in the face of polls that gi'e me >ero

*ut I got to e America&s hero

C!&2*s0 And I am not throwin& away mah point;

%ot throwin& away mah exclamation - point;Hey yo2 I&m Just li!e my country I&m excitale and Jumpy2



%ot throwin& away mah exclamation - point;




24/149

?< T!" S&2 &' I2(@

J"#0 I may ha'ed li'ed to see two ulf ars.

C!2isi"/M)C(i%/G2(!(30 I may ha'e li'ed to see two ulf ars.

J"#0 *ut I would lo'e to send troops ac!.

C!2isi"/M)C(i%/G2(!(30 *ut I would lo'e to send troops ac!.

J"#0 And when our children tell our story...

C!2isi"/M)C(i%/G2(!(30 And when our children tell our story...

J"#0 They&ll tell the story of Ira6.

C!2isi"0 They&ll tell the story of Ira6.

M)C(i%0 )et&s destroy I0I0 in Ira6.

G2(!(30 )et&s destroy I0I0 in Ira6.

J"#0 )et&s destroy I0I0 in Ira6.

M)C(i%0 $aise a glass to reedom

0omething we can gi'e the #iddle 1ast

%o matter what they tell us

$aise a glass to 0addam Hussein. ?Hey;

M)C(i%/C!2isi"0 $ememer we lew out his rain.

M)C(i%/C!2isi"/G2(!(30 Telling the story of Ira6.

J"#0 They&ll tell the story of Ira6.

M)C(i%/C!2isi"/G2(!(30 $aise a glass to reedom

0omething we can gi'e the #iddle 1ast

J"#0 %o matter what they tell us

C!2isi"/G2(!(30 )et&s destroy I0I0 in Ira6


25/149

M)C(i%0 $aise a glass to 0addam Hussein

J"#/M)C(i%/C!2isi"/G2(!(30 $ememer we lew out his rain

J"#/M)C(i%0 Telling the story of Ira6

C!2isi"/G2(!(30 )et&s destroy I0I0 in Ira6.

J"#/M)C(i%/E%s"3#+"0

They&ll tell the story of Ira6



C!2isi"/G2(!(3/E%s"3#+"0

$aise a glass to freedom

$aise a glass to freedom

They&ll tell the story ofW

E%s"3#+"0 Ira6


26/149

< T!" F+&2i8( M()!i%"

T2*30 The thing all politicians lo'e mostIs goin& down 0outh and panderin& for 'otes

They pull up in their super ACs and gaw!

At the 'oters in the districts Just to watch Xem tal!

Ta!e a loo! at lorida2 its machine is loaded2

*ut oh oh2 little does it !now

That its cogsWmoney2 interests2 and the 'otersW

or! together mo'ing candidates li!e motors

E%s"3#+"0 SMote2 'ote;S

I%"2"ss0 The interest groups

E%s"3#+"0 SMote2 MoteS

V&"2s0 The 'oters

M&%"0 And money;


V/I/M0 The lorida #achine;

I%"2"ss0 Interests

M&%"0 #oney

V&"2s0 The 'oters.

V/I/M0 M+T1;

M&%"B lorida said to not uy campaign ads.

I%"2"ssB lorida doesn&t need to !now.

M&%"B lorida said to 'ote for guys who loo! li!e dads.

V&"2sB 0eems li!e the way to go.


27/149

I%"2"ssB *ut2 loo! around2 loo! around

1lection year is happening in lorida2

lorida2

America=.M+T1

M&%"B *ad enough there&s no single candidate.

V&"2sB eople need a nominee.

M&%"B *ad for me when the estalishments aate

I%"2"ss0 hich cand-i-date is for me.

M&%"0 )oo! around2 loo! around2 in-ter-ests2 remind me what you&re loo!ing for.

J"# "2 !&"'*++B Are you loo!ing for me7

I%"2"ss0 Lm2 nah2 I&m loo!ing for a mind that wor!s ?wor!s

)oo!ing for a mind that wor!s ?wor!s

)oo!ing for a mind that wor!s.

oo-aoaoh wooahoahoa eee +$/0; ?woo;

T2*30 There&s nothin& li!e runnin& in the 0outh.

Moters listen upB Imma run my ig mouth.

1xcuse me sir2 I !now it&s not funny2*ut your money smells li!e= well2 li!e it smells li!e money.

hy you spendin& all your time with those nasty ACs

Ta!e a ig gulp of Trump2 sit ac! and relax.

I%"2"ssB Trump2 you disgust me.

T2*3B Ah2 so you&'e discussed me;

+T A 0#A)) )+A% + A #I))I+%2 +L CA% T$L0T #1.

I%"2"ssB I&'e een readin& $eaganomics and Ayn $and2

Atlas 0hrugged tric!lin& through my mind li!e sandou don&t want a re'olution2 you want that nomination

e gi'e no fuc!s Xout +ama&s nation.

V/I/M0 e hold these truths to e self e'ident

That white men are created e6ual.


28/149

I%"2"ss0 And when I meet #r. Teddy Cru> ?+H

Imma tell him to !eep the Democrats out the se6uel= M+T1;

V&"2s0 )oo! around2 loo! around at how

#any candidates are still ali'e right now.

V&"2s/M&%"0 )oo! around2 loo! around at how


V/I/M0 1lection year is happening2 we&re attac!ing and we Just happen to e in the s!etchiest

state in the L.0.; I% TH1 0/1TCHI10T 0TAT1 I% TH1 L.0.; ?M+T1;;

I%"2"ssB

I&'e een readin& $eaganomics and Ayn $and2

Atlas 0hrugged tric!lin& down through my mind li!e sand

ou don&t want a re'olution

ou want the nomination

e gi'e no fuc!s Xout +ama&s nation.

V&"2s/M&%"0

)oo! around2 loo! around

1lection year is happening in

lorida;

lorida;

V/I/M0 e hold these truths to e self e'ident

That white men are created e6ual ?woo;

)oo! around2 loo! around at how


E%s"3#+"0 1lection year is happening2

e&re attac!ing and we Just happen to e

In the s!etchiest state in the L.0.;

I% TH1 0/1TCHI10T 0TAT1 I% TH1 L.0.;

?M+T1;;

E%s"3#+"0 SMote2 'ote;S

I%"2"ss0 The interest groups


V&"2s0 The 'oters

M&%"0 And money;


29/149


V/I/M0 The lorida #achine;

I%"2"ss0 Interests

M&%"0 #oney

V&"2s0 The 'oters.

V/I/M0 M+T1;

V/I/M0 e&re loo!in& for a mind that

J"# ?a$ain% hope"u!!y 0 or!s2 wor!s7

V/I/M (!ookin$ a!armed) Hey=

J"# (with more con"idence)0 or!s2 wor!s;

V/I/M (ackin$ nervous!y away "rom Je)0 H1;

J"#0 +$/0; +$/0;

V/I/M ?turnin$ their acks on Je comp!ete!y)0 H+AA;

(Je $ives up tryin$ to e the main ensem!e $uy and s!inks sad!y into the ack$round)

V/I/M0 In the s!etchiest state2 in the s!etchiest state2 in the uu--uuu--uuLL-0;

E"2&%"0 I% TH1 0/1TCHI10T 0TAT1 I% TH1 L.0.; ?M+T1;


30/149

< S(%8"2s R"'*"8

B"2%i" (ye!!in$ and wi!d!y $esturin$)0 Hear ye2 hear ye;#y name is *ernie 0anders2 and I present

“ree Thoughts on the roceedings of the ar on Terror;(

Heed not the right wing2 who s)2"(3 (#&* ISIS2

They ha'e not your interests at heart.

C!2isi"0 +h my god2 tear this socialist apart.

B"2%i"0 $egime change and loodshed are not a solution

Don&t let them lead you to war

This Congress does not spea! for me.

T2*30 )oser; ea!;

B"2%i"0 The oil is calling their names.

I pray L.%. shows you their mercy

or shame= for shame...

J"#0

He’d ha'e you all right in his poc!et2 ma!e you scream ut

the threat of ISIS is coming2

ou ha'e no plan2 we&'e gotta win this.

It&s hard to listen to you with a straight face

$egime change and loodshed already haunt us

Honestly2 you should ta!e a pause2

hat aout *engha>i7

They are to name for all of our pain and you want to lame

Congress7

B"2%i"0

Heed not the right wing2 who s)2"(3

aout ISIS 2

They ha'e not your interests at heart

$egime change and loodshed are not

solution


This Congress does not spea! for me.

J"#0 #y dad spea!s more elo6uently.

B"2%i"0 They&re playing a illionaire&s game.

J"#0 *ut strangely2 your age seems the same.

B"2%i"0 I pray L.%. shows you their mercy;

J"#0 ould they e'en do anything7


31/149

B"2%i"0 or shame;

J"#0 or the nomination;

B"2%i"0 or shame;

A++0 or the nomination;

B"2%i"0 Heed;

J"#0 If you !eep shouting2 man2 I swear I&m gonna-

B"2%i"/J"#0 0cream;

J"#0 Honestly2 loo! at me2 please don&t run.

B"2%i"0 %ot your interests;

J"#0 Don&t run for candidacy and then not deate with me

hy should the silent maJority e regulated y lierality7

T2*30 ,e2 let the ig oys spea!.

J"#0 Trump2 I&d rather e low-energy than paid y #TM.

ou&re Just a celerity;

C!&2*s0 0ilence; A message from the re>; A message from the re>; A message from the

re>;


32/149

< S(%8"2s R"'*"8

S"(-B"2%i" ."++i%$ (%8 6i+8+ $"s*2i%$0 Hear ye2 hear ye; #y name is *ernie 0anders2and I present “ree Thoughts on the roceedings of the ar in Ira6;(

Heed not the right wing2 the *ush administration2 they ha'e not your interests at heart

C!2isi"0 +h my god2 tear this socialist apart

B"2%i"0 $egime change and loodshed are not a solution


This Congress does not spea! for me

T2*30 0o sad;

B"2%i"0 The oil is calling their names.

I pray the L.%. shows you mercy

or shame....for shame....

J"#0 o2 !"’s got the !ids feeling the *ern

ut B*s! Three&s (83i%is2(i&% is coming

The right wings gonna win this

is !(28 to listen to you with a straight faceR"$i3" )!(%$" (%8 #+&&8s!"8

already haunt us2 honestly

you shouldn&t e'en tal! aout a contest2 you

already lost to Hillary2 you&re not e'en

wanted2 go ac! to C&%$2"ss

#y rother spea!s more elo6uently than thee

GW0 There&s an old saying in Tennessee...

ool me= can&t get fooled again..

J"#0 or shame;

or shame;

B"2%i"0 H""8 not the right wing2

the B*s! (83i%is2(i&%2

they ha'e not your interests at !"(2

R"$i3" )!(%$" (%8 #+&&8s!"8 are not asolution


This C&%$2"ss does not spea! for me

The oil is calling their names.

I pray the L.%. shows you mercy

or the re'olution;

or the re'olution;


33/149

B"2%i"0 Heed;

J"#0 e get it2 twenty se'en dollars.

B"2%i"0 *ush;

J"#0 #y rother !ept us safe from=

B"2%i"0 Ha'e not your interests;

J"#0 Continue to scream and not deate with Hillary

hy should either of you democrats2 instead of me2

e handed the presidency7

T2*30 ,e is a mess;

J"#B UstammersV

E%s"3#+"0 0ilence; A message from *ill Clinton;

A message from *ill Clinton;

F*++ C&3(%0 A message from *ill Clinton;


34/149

< Y&*’++ B" B()9 .T& D"3&)2(sBi++ C+i%&%0 ou say= my 'ice-president&s not a pres who you&re willing to ta!e.

ou cry= when the *ush you elect sends your men o'erseas2 off to die.hy so mad7

$ememer we had all the :4s for me to e great

%ow your choices seem ad

$ememer despite the impeachment2 I&m your man.

ou&ll e ac!2 soon you&ll see

ou&ll rememer our Democracy

ou&ll e ac!2 time will tell

ou&ll rememer that we&'e ser'ed you well.

-D-$2 ,--/

1'en Carter&s loo!ing !ind of great

And when the time comes to 'ote

I will send a fully armed irst )ady to !eep the Democrats afloat

Da da da da daaaaa dat da da da dayyyya da

Da da dat dat dayyyyya da



ou say our arty&s lieral2 and you don&t pic! oreou&ll e the one complaining when you&re at war

And no don&t change the suJect2

*engha>i&s not the suJect

)ewins!y&s not the suJect

0he&s my least fa'ourite suJect

I&m cle'er

0o cle'er

0o cle'er2 so cle'er2 so cle'er...

ou&ll e ac!2 li!e efore

ou will fight the fight and lose the war

Mietnam2 napalm flames

ou $epulicans are all the same

hen you&re here2 we go mad

0o don&t gi'e this guy a two term pad


35/149

hen you 'ote2 face the facts

P!ease% oh p!ease% choose my dear &i!!ear

And I&ll let you play my sax

SAXOPHONE SOLO!!!!!!!!!!!!! (to the same tune)

Da da da da daaaaa dat da da da dayyyya daDa da dat dat dayyyyya da


Da da dat dat dayyyyya - 1M1$*+D




Da da dat dat dayyyyya daaaaa duhhhhhh


36/149

< Ri$! Wi%$ M(%

E%s"3#+"0 The Democratic arty has their official candidatesThree experienced politicians in DC&s haror

Hillary2 *ernie2 +alley Z who&ll campaign harder7

Democrats ha'e their troops2 they surround our troops

ho e'en are our troops7

J"#0 As the child of the president I wished for some more2

I wanted to e more2

I !new I had to run a campaign;

If they tell my story I am either gonna die in lorida

+r run a successful campaign;I will run for this land

*ut there&s only one man who can lend me a hand for this campaign;

Lnderstand2 he already ran a winning campaign2 Campaign;

Here he comes.

E%s"3#+"0 Here comes .

T2*30 )adies2 entlemen2 and $osie +&Donnell2


T2*30 The moment you&'e een waiting for2


T2*30 The pride of /enneun!port2

E%s"3#+"0 Here comes

T2*30 eorge Duya.

GW0 e are outspent; The Dems expand;

+utnumered2 outplanned.

e gotta ta!e a campaign stand

Ayo I&m gonna need a right wing man.

Chec! it

Can I e eorge a second


37/149

our rother oy a second

)et down my guard and tell my ros!i how I feel a second7

%ow I&m the model of a conser'ati'e president

The repulican decider and strategerer whose men are all lining up

To throw me down a toilet owl2 writin& articles to little !ids ruining my 'ery reputation*ut the elephant is in the roomB

The truth is in your face when you see our arty&s future go oom.

Any hope of success is fleeting

How can the right ha'e any hope of leading when Trump is succeeding7

Can&t put a stop to conceding2 lose 0cott al!er and ,indal

%ight ta!es #i!e and $and.

e are outspent; The Dems expand;

+utnumered2 outplanned.

e gotta ta!e a campaign stand

Ayo I&m gonna need a right wing man.

J"#0 Trump&s attering down the candidates2 chec! the damages. $AH;

e gotta stop him2 our arty&s image he mismanages

)et&s ta!e a stand with the candidate od has granted us

,e&s got his exclamation point

)et&s rally ehind this man.

GW0 0ha-oom; o the polls

atch the Trump ha'e his hay day2 and0ha-oom; o the polls

e&re aandoning Huc!aee7

*++#;

There&s goes 0antorum2 $ic!;

*++#;

e&'e Just lost another $ic!;

1$$;

e gotta stomp Hillary 6uic!2 we can&t afford another slip

olls and numers addin& upThe arty starts to di''y up our forces2

They&re s!ittish as Trump cuts the competition up

This close to gi'ing up2 we&re all losing rutally

I scream in the face of this conser'ati'e mutiny;


38/149

Are these the men who are to rule America7

e fight in eruary2 DC in the distance

I cannot e your resident again people2

I&m in dire need of assistance.

T2*30 Hey2 you2 uhhh.

GW0 ho are you7

T2*30 Donald Trump2 duhh. Can I tell you something7

GW0 I guess.

T2*30 0o...

I uilt a great company2 one of the greatest

eah2 I&'e had some an!ruptcies

*ut2 hey2 in summary

I used the law to my ad'antage and assistance

I&ll sure do it againWwhy exhiit such resistance7

GW0 Huh7

T2*30 I ha'e some statements2

A couple of replacements2

+n how to ma!e this country great again.

GW0 es7

T2*30 ell...

J"#0 *rother2 you wanted to see me7

GW0 ,e2 come in2 ha'e you met Trump7

T2*30 eah2 it&s really sad.

J"#0 es2 we !eep meeWoh

T2*30 As I was saying2 chump2 I loo! forward to winning and seeing my way out.

GW0 Trump7

T2*30 Dump.


39/149

GW0 Close the door on your way out.

'doo dee da duh'

J"#0 Ha'e I done something wrong2 ro7

GW0 +n the contrary.

I called you here ecause our odds are eyond scary

our poll numers are eneath you2 ut I ha'e to as!W

J"#0 *ro7

GW0 ,e2 how come so few ha'e endorsed your ass7

J"#B Aw2 come on;

GW0 Don&t get me wrongWyou&re a go'ernor of great renown.

I !now our own last name carries a lot of sway downtown.

*oth #itt and ,ohn #cCain should go ehind you.

J"#0 The support of a unch of losers7 I don&t thin! so.

GW0 hy are you upset7

J"#0 I&m not.

GW0 It&s alright2 you wanna win2 you&'e got a hunger I was Just li!e you when I was go'ernor.

Head full of fantasies of planning :88W

J"#0 es.

GW0 oing to war is easy2 lil ro. $uling is harder.

J"#0 hy are you telling me this7

GW0 I&m eing honestB e need someone electale who can get into that office

+ur arty is a powder !eg2 aout to explode2e need a moderate to lighten the load. 0o7

E%s"3#+"0 I am not throwin& away mah point;




40/149

J"#0 I am not throwin& away mah point;

GW0 *ro2 we are outspent; The Dems expand;

J"#0 The estalishment needs all the help it can get2 I ha'e some friends

#cCain2 Christie2 e'en )indsey raham. +!ay2 what else7

GW0 +utnumered2 outplanned;

J"#0 e&ll need some Dems from the inside2

0ome of Hill&s men who might let some emails slide.

I&ll write to rieus and tell him I need supplies2 to rally the guys2

Help my campaign grow to a new si>e.

I&ll tra'el Xcross our nation2 gi'ing speeches2 turtles2 'ocationW

There won&t e another *ush 'acation till my inauguration;

E%s"3#+"0 Here comes ;

J"#0 Campaign;


J"#0 or office;

E%s"3#+"B Here comes ;

J"#0 or president;


GW0 And his right wing man;


41/149

< A S*33"2’s R(++

T2*30 How does the pampered2 rother2 son of a eorge2

o on and on2 run into more of a phenomenonatch this mediocre2 soft-spo!en2 excuse of a go'ernor2

*e seated at the right hand of his rother2

endorses ,e right on sight2

Though ,e can&t put up much of a fight2 they&re tight.

0ure2 ,e&s s!ill at the deates are pretty mild2

,ust another thing that !eeps him from eing

reliale with the...

E%s"3#+"0 M+T1$0;

T2*30 There are so many to disempower;

E%s"3#+"0 M+T1$0;

T2*30 Lnder my rule they will cower;

E%s"3#+"0 M+T1$0;

T2*30 They frustrated and confused him

#alia +ama named her fa'orite teddy ear after him;

J"#0 That&s pro&ly true;

T2*30 348O2 a summer&s rally2

And the lorida machine has yet to e tallied2

o2 if you win lorida2 you start strong2 son2

J"#B Is it a 6uestion of if Trump2 or what margin7

T2*3/M)C(i%/J"#0 Hey2 hey2 hey2 hey etc.


42/149

;< V&i%$

V&"2s0 +oooh2 for you2 for you2 for you2 for youHe-ey;

+oooh2 for you2 for you2 for you2 for you

,e2 you got me 'oting;

)oo!ing at your platform and I !now your limits2 I&m 'oting

*ut ecause I&m from your state I&m elie'in& in it.

I ha'e ne'er een the type to try and really turn out

e were at a rally with the +2 all urned out

)aughing with the interests as they&re controlling our nation2

Then you wal!ed in and my heart went21[C)A#ATI+%;

Tryna catch your speech as we sweat in the front room

1'eryody&s hec!lin and Trump&s top 'olume2

0aluting to the rhythm as we whine and sigh

ra the interests and whisper2

o2 he&s got my.

Moooote

Interests made their way across the room to you

And I get ner'ous thin!in& what they gonna doThey gra you y the alls2 I&m thin!in I&m through

Then you leer ac! at me and suddenly I&m

Moting;

+h2 loo! at those Jowls2 oh-ohhhhhh.

?)oo!ing at your platform and I !now your limits

Moting;

?*ut ecause I&m from your state I&m elie'in& in it

Moting;

?)oo!ing at your platform and I !now your limits

0till I will 'ote for you2

0till I will 'ote for you

?*ut ecause i&m from your state I&m elie'in& in it

J"#B here are you ta!ing me7


43/149

I%"2"ss0 I&m aout to change your campaign;

J"#0 lease= lead the way. lease.

V&"2s0 loridian 'oters. It&s a pleasure to meet you.

J"#0 Moters7

I%"2"ss0 ou need them.

V&"2s0 Than! you for all your ser'ice.

J"#0 ou may e thin!ing of my rother2 or my dad=

I%"2"ss0 I&ll lea'e you to it;

V&"2s0 +ne wee! later

I&m ma!ing donations nightly2

%ow my luc! gets etter e'ery email that you write me;

)aughing at the interests cause they want their own agenda.

I%"2"ss0 I&m Just sayin& if you really lo'ed me you would spend him;

V&"2sB Ha;

Two wee!s later in the deate room stressin&

#egyn /elly stone-faced as you&re as!in& for the presses2

I&m dyin& inside as you whine and sigh2 And I&m tryin& not to cry

Cause there&s nothing your legacy can&t

Do

/elly ma!es her way across the room to you

I panic for a second thin!in& you&re through

*ut then she sha!es your hand and says2 “I guess you&ll do.(

And you turn ac! to me leering2

Moting; UrefrainV

This *ush is fine2 this *ush is fine.

J"#B Moters2 I got millions of dollars to my name2

Acres of land2 troops to command2

And all my father&s fame2

I may not ha'e charisma2 a tolerance for pain2

*ut I&'e got American 'alues and a moderate campaign2

Insane2 your machine rings out a different side of me


44/149

#oney will side with me2 interests tried to ta!e a ite of me;

%o stress2 my lo'e for you is ne'er in dout2

e&ll get a condo in +rlando and we&ll figure it out.

I&'e had a presidential family since I was a child2

#y father ran2 my rother won2 e'ery campaign they filed2

*ut I&ll ne'er forget my first 'ote2 without a dout2 As long as I&m in the race2 'oters2 I swear to od you&ll always turn out

Moting;

V&"2sB or you2 for you2 for you for you;

J"#0 #y 'oters=

V&"2sB or you2 for you2 for you for you;

J"#0 I&m gonna get you

V&"2sB Moting

J"#B eah;

V&"2s0 ecause I&m from your state I&m elie'in& in it;

J"#B o2 my campaign&s gon& e fine ecause my home state&s with it

V&"2sB I loo! at your platform and I !now your limits;

I...I..I=..

V&"2s/C&3(%0 *ut ecause I&m from your state I&m elie'in& in it;

(weddin$ music p!ays)

C&3(%B In Cle'eland2 get the nomination

In Cle'eland2 get the nomination

In Cle'eland2 get the nomination...

V&"2sB Moting


45/149

;;< O% O*2 Si8"

R(++ (%%&*%)"20 Alright2 alright; I guess this turn-out is something. %ow2 e'eryone gi'e it upfor lorida&s numer one influence2 the 0pecial Interest roups;

I%"2"ss0 A toast to our ,e;

C&3(%0 To our ,e; To our ,e; To our ,e;

I%"2"ss0 ,e *ush;

C&3(%B ,e *ush; ,e *ush; ,e *ush;

I%"2"ss0 rom your supporters

C&3(%0 The interest group= The interest groups

I%"2"ss0 ho&ll gi'e your campaign a push

C&3(%0 A push=

I%"2"ss0 To your nomination

C&3(%0 To the $%C; To the +;

I%"2"ss0 And the hope that you&ll pro'ide

C&3(%0 ro'ide= pro'ide

I%"2"ss0 #ay you always

C&3(%0 Always

I%"2"ss0 *e on our side

C&3(%0 $ewind

I%"2"ss0 $ewind

$ewind

$ewind

e rememer that night we Just might


46/149

$ewind


$ewind

e rememer that night

e rememer that

?doo doo doo do doo doo doo doo do


$ememer that night for the rest of our reign2

e rememer those other candidates tryna

ander to us for their own gain2

e rememer that harsh fluorescent light li!e a scene2 wish you could escape

*ut ,e2 1xclamation2 we&ll ne'er forget the first time we saw your face

e ha'e ne'er een the same

)ac!luster eyes in a dad-od frame

And when you said “,e;( e forgot the dang game

0et our hearts aflame

All our parts aflame

#issin& your last name.

J"#B )oo!s to me li!e you could use someody on your side.

I%"2"ss0 e really don&t !now what you mean2 are you feeling well7

J"#B ou&re li!e= me; I&'e ne'er had someody on my side.

I%"2"ssB Is that right7

J"#B I need someody on my side.

I%"2"ss0 e&re the lorida 0pecial Interests.

J"#B ,e *ush2 1xclamation oint.

I%"2"ssB hat&s your platform onW

J"# ?nervous!y)B Lh2 unimportant. There&s li!e four2 fi'e things I ha'en&t done. ,ust you clap=

Just you clap.

I%"2"ss0 0o so so2 so this this is what it feels li!e to find

0omeone with rand name ut a malleale mind

)ess omastic than Trump2 ut he&s still got some fight

He&ll prolly& get more 'otes than /asich might

And he&s still running2 right7


47/149

+ur con'ersation lasted two minutes2 maye three minutes

1'ery single thing we as!ed he agreed to2 he&s

A dream candidate2 we&re doing a dance

e&re gonna get his last name and get to tell him his stance

He&s a little it lame ut we gon& gi'e it a chance

e as!ed aout his strategy2 did you see his answer7Hands started fidgeting2 he loo!ed entranced

ulled a turtle from the poc!et of his !ha!i pants

0tumling2 wow2 we can tell ut

His win will ser'e us so well

e wanna get him to the head of the race

Then we get a good loo! at his face and he is...

J"#0 Hopeless=

I%"2"ss0 And we !now he is=

J"#0 Hopeless=

I%"2"ss0 And his eyes are Just...

J"#0 Hopeless=

I%"2"ssB And we reali>e

I%"2"ss/C&3(%B Three fundamental truths at the exact same time=

J"#0 here are you ta!ing me7

I%"2"ss0 e&re aout to change your campaign.

J"#0 lease2 lead the way. lease.

C&3(% "4)"i%$ I%"2"ssB %umer one;

I%"2"ss0 e


48/149

J"#B Moters7

I%"2"ss0 ou need them.

C&3(% "4)"i%$ I%"2"ssB %umer two;

I%"2"ss0 e&re after him cause he&s a *ush descendant

That ele'ates his status we&d

Ha'e to e na\'e to set that aside

#aye that that is why2 we introduce him to the 'oters

%ow they&re starry-eyed

%ice going2 he&s gonna get elected

ith our influence as his guide

V&"2sB Than! you2 for all your ser'ice.

J"#B ou may e thin!ing of my rother= or dad=

I%"2"ss0 I&ll lea'e you to it;

C&3(%B %umer three;

O%" I%"2"s0 I !now these 'oters li!e I !now my own mind

ou will ne'er find any group as gullile or lind

If I tell them to support him they will happily comply

They&ll e mine;

I%"2"ss0 e&ll say he&s fine.

I%"2"ss/C&3(%B e&ll e lying;

I%"2"ss0 Cause when we fantasi>e at night it&s Duya&s campaign

As we romantici>e what might ha'e happened if he hadn


49/149

C&3(%B ,e *ush; ,e *ush; ,e *ush;

I%"2"ssB rom your supporters

C&3(%0 The interest groups

The interest groups

I%"2"ss0 e&ll gi'e your campaign a push

C&3(%0 A push= a push=

I%"2"ssB To your nomination;

C&3(%B To the $%C; To the +;

I%"2"ss0 And the hope that you pro'ide

C&3(%B ro'ide2 you pro'ide

I%"2"ssB #ay you always

C&3(%B Always

I%"2"ssB *e on our side

C&3(%B +n our side

I%"2"ssB And we !now2

(shru$$in$ and !ookin$ at each other) he&s a pretty o!ay guy.

And we !now

He will always e on our side

He will always e on our side


50/149

;=< T!" S&2 &' I2(@ .R"2is"

M)C(i%0 I may ha'e li'ed to see two ulf ars;

C!2isi"/G2(!(30 I may ha'e li'ed to see two ulf ars;

M)C(i%0 They were not lunders after all.

C!2isi"/G2(!(30 They were not lunders after all.

M)C(i%0 Cause if Halliurton stoc!s !eep rising

C!2isi"/G2(!(30 If Halliurton stoc!s !eep rising

M)C(i%0 There&s hope for our ass2 after all;

G2(!(3B $aise a glass to reedom.

C!2isi"/G2(!(30 Hey; 0omething you will ne'er see again;

C!2isi"B %o matter what they tell us;

G2(!(3B e&ll drin! to lots more oms tonight;

M)C(i%B $aise a glass to 0addam Hussein;

M)C(i%/J"#0 Ho;

C!2isi"B $ememer we lew out his rain;

M)C(i%/G2(!(3/J"#0 oo;

G2(!(3B e&ll tell the story of Ira6;

M)C(i%B )et&s destroy I0I0 inW

J"#B ell2 if it isn&t Donald Trump

T2*3B Humph

J"#B I didn&t thin! that you would show up.


51/149

T2*30 Ha-rumph

C!2isi"/G2(!(30 Trump;

T2*3B I came to shout insultations.

G2(!(3B 0pit a 'erse2 Trump;

T2*30 I see all of the losers here.

M)C(i%B ou are the worst2 Trump;

J"#0 ou&re so mean. ou hurt my feelings2 I&m in a slump.

I wish you&d stop ullying my friends and I2 Chump.

T2*30 I can&t2 frump.

J"#0 ell2 why not7

T2*30 It&s Just too easy.

ou&re so sad and aw!ward and pathetic and cheesyW

M)C(i%0 ell2 well2 I heard

ou&'e got a special someone on the side2 Trump

J"#0 Is that so7

M)C(i%0 hat are you tryin& to hide2 Trump7

T2*30 ou should go

J"#0 *ut it&s my arty

G2(!(30 ow

M)C(i%0 +!...

J"#0 )ea'e us alone

C!2isi"0 #an=

J"#0 %o more spite2 Trump. I wish you&d rought this girl with you tonight2 Chump.


52/149

T2*30 ou&re pitiful2 ut I&m afraid it&s unlawful2 rump.

J"#0 hat do you mean7

T2*3B 0he&s related.

J"#0 I see

T2*30 0he&s related to me2 she&s my daughter.

J"#B Daughter= in-law7

T2*30 %o2 my daughter. hat a eauty2 that one.

If I weren&t happily married and her dad=

J"#0 I will ne'er understand you

How can you say that shit2 you&re so gross;

Ha'e you no conscience7

T2*30 I&ll see you on the other side of the stage.

J"#0 I&ll see you on the other side of the stage.


53/149

;>< P( '&2 I

T2*30 +ur go'ernment ma!es ad deals e'ery day ?day2 day2 day All the deals that we ma!e send the good Jos away ?way2 way2 way

+ur resident is a disaster

All of our ihones are wired

ell imma fix this disaster

Cause +ama you&re fired

I would not negotiate

*etween the L0 and Iran

The worst2 I can&t tell you how ad

And we !eep ma!ing crappy dealsTremendously ad

+h so 'ery tremendously sad

And If there&s a reason I&m gonna win

The art of the deal is my thing

Imma ma!e them pay for it


#y grandfather was a hotel and rownstone sella

*ut there are many things that those old guys can&t tell ya

#y mom was a philanthropist#y father ga'e me a small loan

*efore they died2 I had turned their money

Into a fortune on my own

I would not reacti'ate

The Cuan 1massy

The deal2 it&s so ad2 they don&t !now

And we !eep ma!ing ad deals

Tremendously ad+h so 'ery tremendously sad

And if there&s a reason I&m gonna win

The art of the deal is my thing



A +$ IT [ E


54/149

T2*3B I&m gonna ma!e #exico pay for the wall

A +$ IT [ N

T2*3B I am up in all the polls2 I&m the greatest of them all

A +$ IT [ N

T2*3B I&m not falling ehind or running late

A +$ IT [ N

T2*3B Together we will ma!e America great

$1AT xE

T2*3B ,e faces an endless downhill fall

A)) xE

T2*3B He has e'erything to pro'e2 He has so much to lose

)+01 xE

T2*3B ,e&s pace is a slow and a steady crawl

C$A) xE

T2*3B hat is it li!e in his loser shoes7

(nterects) I don&t !now2 and I don&t care

,e is such a ig mista!e

He seems li!e such a fa!e

He ta!es and he ta!es and he ta!es

*ut money can&t help his campaign

A man that&s so lame

An emarrassment to his own name

And if there&s a reason I&m gonna winhen people li!e ,e ma!e me cringe then goddammit I will ma!e them pay for it

Imma ma!e them pay for it.

A +$ IT [ N

I would not negotiate


55/149

The way we ha'e on trade

They&re ta!ing the good Jos away

And if China had their way

e&d fall and we&d fall

Lntil we were worst of them all

*ut if there&s a reason we&re gonna winThe art of the deal&s my thing

Imma ma!e them pay for it.


56/149

;?< S( i% !" R()"V&"2s0 0tay in the race=.

V/I/M0 0tay in the race=

J"#B I ha'e ne'er2 e'er een so despondent

Can&t e'en get an appointment with a ox correspondent

The 'oters write2 “eorge2 sure2 ut ne'er you2 doll.(

I email ac!2 writing to !ids aout footall

)ocal donors deny us endorsements2 assistance

They only gi'e Trump money2 li!e he needs less resistance

GWB The 'oters aren&t coming;

J"#B *ut you&re not running

GWB ,e2 listen2 there&s only one way for us to win this

ro'o!e Donald2 outright

J"#B That&s right

GWB Don&t engage2 stay out of sight

)et him tal! himself out until there&s a fight

J"#B #a!e it impossile to find a good sound ite

GWB +ut-campaign

J"#B +ut-campaign

GWB +utclass

J"#B +utclass

GWB 0teal his wig 6uic!2 get outta town

J"#B ig-a-down

GWB 0tay ali'e until this horror show is past

e&re gonna fly a lot of toup]es half-mast


57/149

J"#/M)C(i%/G2(!(30 hat an ass;

C!2isi"0 I go ac! to ,ersey and my ridgegate scandal

G2(!(3B I return to 0C2 I pray that they turn out for ,e

M)C(i%0 I stay at wor! with ,ey *ush

e write speeches against Democrats

And e'ery day&s a test of the $%C

And super ACs

J"#B I offer fol!s !isses2 I dodge Donald&s disses

I update my Twitter and emphasi>e my riches

And e'&ry day

*ro2 are you sure the campaign ain&t remiss7

And e'&ry day

GWB Huh7

J"#B ith a sigh2 I am dismissed

Instead of causes2 he promotes aw!ward pauses

oes can 6uic!ly ma!e a stance.

P(+i%B Time to drill2 ay2 drill down;

J"#B eah. I !ind of want to say something2 ut waitW

J"#/M)C(i%/G2(!(30 0he ne'er stops going off Xout how Trump&s great;

GWB ,e2 say something cool;

P(+i%0 $ight wingin&;

J"#B I thin! thatW

T2*3B *itter clingin&;

GWB hat are you doing2 ro7 0ay anything2 go;

J"#B *ut she won&t let me tal!;

P(+i%B roud clingers of our guns our od our religion and ourW

GW0 oddamn it;


58/149

J"#0 hat2 ro7

GW0 )et her rant2 since you&re no pro.

J"#B es2 ro=

M)C(i%B A thousand 'iewers are con'inced y alin&s speech

G2(!(3B As we snatch a stalemate from the Jaws of defeat.

J"#B %ews anchors always let her say what&s on her mind

0he started saying all this stuff I cannot get ehind

P(+i%B ashington cannot e left alone to its de'ices

i'e Trump prices2 he&ll fix all our crises

The est thing Duyah *ush did in office is constantly whine

And lea'e the hite House for good in X4:.

A*8i"%)"B +oh=

GWB Don&t do a thing2 you don&t ha'e a good comeac!.

J"#B *utW

GWB e ha'e a campaign to run2 sa'e all your wisecrac!s

M)C(i%B 0trong words from alin2 are you gonna let them slide7

J"#B I can&t thin! right now2 and I&'e tried.

M)C(i%B Then deate it.

,e 1xclamation. ou&re the only candidate I&ll Join.

J"#B #cCain2 I won&t throw away my point.


59/149

;< T"% D"#(" C&33(%83"%sINCOMPLETE

E%s"3#+"0 +ne2 two2 three2 four2 fi'e0ix2 se'en2 eight2 nine

It&s the ten deate commandments;

T2*3/J"#/M)C(i%/P(+i%0 It&s the ten deate commandments;

%umer +ne;

P(+i%0 The challengeB demand all attention.

They won&t apologi>e2 they Just want to e distractions.

E%s"3#+"0 %umer two;

J"#0 Don&t thin! they&re your friends2 not for a second

T2*30 Tal! loud2 e proud2 use your insults as a weapon

E%s"3#+"0 %umer three;

P(+i%0 Ha'e your arguments face to face

T2*30 %egotiate a wall=

J"#0 +r negotiate stuff for the states

T2*30 *ut they&re e'erywhere2 Xspecially Xtween orders

E%s"3#+"0 The scores of immigrants cause disorder;

E%s"3#+"0 %umer four;

J"#B ou can only spea! if someone in'o!es your name

This might not ode well for my campaign.

R*#i&0 1ither watch what you say and spea! with ci'ilityW

T2*30 +r pop off at the mouth and Just deny accountaility

E%s"3#+"0 i'e;


60/149

S(2(! P(+i%0 Honor thy father2 and thy mother

E%s"3#+"0 1'en though your mother couldn&t co'er

%umer six;

J"#0 0he !illed a man I can&t !ill a manin a 'an li!e Ted Cru>2 the Godiac /iller2 has

E%s"3#+"B 0e'en;

S(2(! P(+i%0 et psyched to win;

$eady for that moment of adrenaline when

The #C says the deate egins.

E%s"3#+"0 %umer eight;

E%s"3#+"0 our last chance to retaliate

0end in your insults2 or else your polls will stagnate=

T2*30 It&s the frump;

J"#0 It&s ,e *ush2 chump.

T2*30 Can we agree that I ha'e the est words2 grump7

J"#0 ShumphS

*ut do you !now words other than China2 Trump7

T2*30 #exico7 e oth !now that&s asurd2 lump.

J"#0 ull stop2 you&re saying 'oters ta!e you seriously with that 'ocaulary7

T2*30 *etter say a Hail #ary.

E%s"3#+"B %umer nine;

J"#0 Don&t loo! Xem in they eye or gi'e Xem thought

ind the little courage that you&'e gotThen count.

E%s"3#+"0 +ne2 two2 three2 four2 fi'e2 six2 se'en2 eight2 nine

J"#/T2*30 %umer ten;


61/149

E%s"3#+"0 Ta!e your shot;


62/149

;< M"" T!"3 O% S($"

J"#0 raham2 do you yield7

T2*3B His campaign is fried yes2 he yields;

M)C(i%B %ow he&s y ,e&s side

T2*3B o2 we gotta shrin! the field

J"#0 ,indal&s also done;

E%s"3#+"0 Here comes

T2*30 This should e fun

GWB hat is the meaning of this7 hat&s happening to our estalishment7

T2*3 (eye ro!!)B hat a mess

GWB raham2 you always agree with me

And elie'e me2 young ,e will e the nominee

Than! you for your ser'ice

T2*3B hat a ride;

GWB ,e;

J"#B *ro7

GWB #eet them on stage

E%s"3#+"0 #eet them on stage

#eet them on stage

GWB ,ohnW

J"#B Don&t call me ,ohn

GWB This primary is hard enough without infighting


63/149

J"#B Trump called you a liar. e called his luff

GWB ou sol'e nothing2 you only split the arty into greater factions

J"#B ou&re asolutely right2 ut the 'oters are feeling no dissatisfaction2 Trump is still way up

GWB ,ohnW

J"#B I&m not your ,ohnW

GWB atch your tone2 I am gi'ing strategery to the campaign2 I am grown

J"#B 0arah alin2 Donald Trump2

These fools ta!e our name

And they !eep on ma!ing fun

GWB +ur names een through a lot2 we can ta!e it

J"#B ell I am not a eorge2 I don&t ha'e your titles2

I am Just a ,e

*ut if youW

GW0 %o.

J"#0 If I caught them in a we

+f their lies2 launch attac!s on Trump2

I could fly ao'e my polls2 win o'er 'otes

GW0 ou cannot attac!2 ,e2 we need you intact

J"#0 I&m more than ready to attac!W

GW0 our 'oters need in you intact2 ,ohn2 I need you intactW

J"#B Call me ,ohn one more time.

GWB o deate2 ,e2 exclamation. Thats an order from your former head-of-nation.


64/149

;< A L"(s T!(’s S&3"!i%$, Ri$!

V&"2sB )oo! around2 loo! around2 an election year is happening in our state right now.)oo! around2 loo! around.

J"#B How long ha'e you !nown7

V&"2sB A month or so.

J"#B Moters2 you should ha'e told me.

V&"2sB I tweeted at eorge . a month ago.

J"#B %o.

V&"2sB I egged him to send you home

J"#B ou should ha'e told me

V&"2sB I&m not sorry

I !new you&d campaign until the primary was won=

J"#B The primary&s not done;

V&"2sB *ut you deser'e a chance to meet your son.

)oo! around2 loo! around2 an election year is happening in our state right now.

J"#B ill you relish eing a loser&s constituents7

Lnale to represent your 'alues=

V&"2sB I relish eing your constituents.

)oo! around2 loo! around=

)oo! at where you are.

)oo! at where you started.The fact that you&re in the race= well2 it&s not a miracle.

*ut stay in the race. At least that&s something2 right7

And if )ittle #arco

0hares of a fraction of your Jowls

+r a fragment of your mee!ness2

)oo! out2 America2


65/149

At least that&s something2 right7

I don&t pretend to !now

The challengers you&re facing

The flus you !eep creating

And= recreating e'ery day.

*ut I&m not afraid.

I !now who I support.

0o long as you win lorida at the end of the day2

At least that&s something2 right7

ou ha'e 6uite a legacy.

ou ha'e lots of money.

If I could gi'e you personality2

If you would let me show my heart...

+h2 let me e a part of the ,e campaign2

+f the tweets they&ll 6uote on *u>>feed.

+h2 let this e the first election2

here lorida is what you need...

At least it&s something2 right7

At least we&re something2 right7

At least that&s something2 right=


66/149

;< H"’s N& Mi

M"$% K"++/A%8"2s&% C&&"20 How does an outsider2 uncouth2 sexist2 son of a de'eloperCome to represent a gloal superpower7

How will the + reco'er from thisW

T2*30 ou&re fired;

M"$%/A%8"2s&%0 )ea'es the moderators hurting and tired

The polls are predicting armageddon

The *ush rother we !now ut don&t lo'e is seriously slippin&

Trump&s constantly confusing2 dodgin& the simplest 6uestion

hat the hell is happening to America&s greatest institution7

V/I/M0 Trump&s a threat;

T2*3 (pointin$ at Me$yn Ke!!y)B ou could see there was lood comin&

out of her where'er= I&ll refrain

V/I/M0 Trump&s a threat

T2*30 I&m ne'er gonna stop until I ma!e ,e

Admit defeat and throw his hands up in shame


T2*30 atch me engagin& em2 escapin& em2 enragin& em; %o.


T2*30 I&'e got myself for most funds


T2*30 And donors for any more

T2*3/E%s"3#+"0 He&s

%ot #itt

And so the arty shifts

GW0 hat&s happening to the +7 How could Trump form these rifts;


67/149

T2*30 e could end this thing y lorida2 !now who the president&ll e2 ut

or me to succeed2 there&s something I still need

V/I/M0 #L$ICA%0;

T2*30 0ure2 I&ll ne'er win o'er that wench ?pointing at #egyn /elly

+ffensi'e and fluent in fallacies2 I mean.

V/I/M0 #L$ICA%0;

T2*30 ill learn to 'ote for me e'entually;

hat&s ,e gonna offer as defence7 I mean

V/I/M0 #L$ICA%0;

T2*30 on&t tire of my rilliance

ill recogni>e my hard wor! and resilience

V/I/M0 #L$ICA%0;

T2*30 They will fight for our great land ac!;

V/I/M0 #L$ICA%0;

T2*30 I&m a trailla>er2

I&ll ushwhac!

V/I/M0 #L$ICA%0;

GW0 Trump&ll steer this country down

the wrong trac!

T2*30 +'al +ffice needs a right

wing man ac!

V/I/M0 %eeds a right

wing man ac!

T2*30 ou !now we gotta get a right

wing man ac!

V/I/M0 A right

wing man ac!


68/149

V/I/M0 #L$ICA%;

T2*30 I&m the one who&ll eat

Hillary

out of this lot2 I&m theest shot the +&s got

To get their right wing man ac!

GW0 ,e *ush2 exclamation point;

Troops I deployed are haunting you2

If we change tactics now2 together we can change the tide

+h2 ,e *ush2 exclamation point;

I ha'en&t een the est rother it&s true

*ut if you continue the fight

e might still ma!e this right

The world could remain the same2 1xclamation...


69/149


70/149

=< I&6( .J"# is !" B"s W"’" G&

E%s"3#+"0 The Iowa Caucuses2 two thousand and sixteen

G2(!(3B oint2 exclamation;

J"#B #r. )indsey raham;

G2(!(3B $unning for president fun7

J"#B I&m less happy than a clam

I&m ta!ing a pummeling2 it&s extremely tough

G2(!(30 Candidates

J"#/G2(!(30 They ma!e your life rough

J"#B 0o what happens if I win7

G2(!(3B e start accepting science

+ur arty&s gone insane2 we can no longer deny it.

J"#B lease Just help me through

G2(!(3B o deate2 friend.

J"#B $eally hope that I sur'i'e

G2(!(3B XTil the shitshow ends2 don&t low

E%s"3#+"0 I am not throwin& away mah point;




J"#B I am the est you&'e got

E%s"3#+"0 ,e is the est we&'e got

J"#B I imagine losing so much it feels more li!e a memory

I failed to engage youth2 I told the truth


71/149

The 'oting ooth ahead of me

If this is the end of me2 at least I ha'e a friend with me

ihone in my hand2 a command2 and my dad with me

Then I rememer my money&s expecting me=

%ot only that2 ut the ACs are expecting

I gotta run2 gotta go pro'e myself otta outshine my rother2 get my picture on the shelf;

et the tweets out on your phone;

C(3(i$% W&29"2s0 hat7

J"#B The tweets out on your phone;

C(3(i$% W&29"2s0 hat7

J"#0 Tweet out until I&m on a social media throne

Through the night2 we ha'e one shot to run another day

e cannot let a stray egg account gi'e us away

e will post up close2 sei>e the moment and stay in it

It&s either that or meet the usiness end of a aceoo! threat

The code word is “'iral meme2( dig me7

C(3(i$% W&29"2s0 Miral meme;

J"#0 ou ha'e your orders let&s li'e the dream;

And so the first Trump-free + deate egins

#y opponents tryna eat me for this winTeddy Cru> is fightin& with the moderator2 filling up with rage.

C2*:0 (and Je in a mockin$ voice)0 If you guys as! one more mean 6uestion2 I may lea'e the

stage

J"#0 %ow that Donald&s at least for now gone away

)indsey raham is there waiting Just outside the fray

How did we !now that this plan would wor!7

e had a guy pulling his weight

J"#/E%s"3#+"0 That&s right2 o'ernor Christie;

C!2isi"0 This ,ersey oy&s gonna e the +TL0 fam

ou etter stay up in your lanes or I&ll ma!e Xem Jam

E%s"3#+"0 oah;


72/149

C!2isi"0 I tried to win this game efore ut then I lost to #itt

otta supersi>e my chance at nomination Xcause i&m lo'in& it

0ee imma !eep it classy up against these ruffians

atch all these others guys act li!e fools then to co'er it

The 'oters gonna pic! someone who needs no introduction

hen you !noc! me down I get get the fuc! ac! up again.

E%s"3#+"0 Health; ealth; un Control;

o;

hat; hat; hat;

J"#0 After hours of deating2 a young Chris allace stands at his rown des!

C2*:0 e 6uiet our ic!ering as he frantically wa'es his hands to get our attention

C!2isi"0 And Just li!e that2 it&s over . e gather our notecards2 we wipe our sweat.

R*#i&0 oung and old candidates wonder ali!e if this means we get to go home now

J"# (interectin$) B It&s your edtime2 #arco.

GW/M(2)&0 %ot. et.

J"#0 They discuss the results of our arguments

I see eorge . scowl

e&re escorted away from our podiums

e all mill off into the crowd0e'eral thousands of people all trying to lea'e

0haring chuc!les and dull con'ersation

As I exit the uilding I !now they elie'e

They could tolerate me as the head of their nation;

C(3(i$% W&29"2s0 ,e is the est we&'e got.

E%s"3#+"0 ,e is the est we&'e got

,e is the est we&'e got

,e is the est we&'e got

MoteMote2 'ote2 'ote

C2*:0 Mote for Ted Cru>2 don&t 'ote for #arco $uio;

E%s"3#+"0 Mote2 'ote2 'ote


73/149

J"#0 otta eat Donald Trump

otta get Erd place

E%s"3#+"0 Mote2 'ote2 'ote

R*#i&0 I lost;

C!2isi"0 I lost;

J"#0 I lost;

C2*:0 I won;

J"#0 I was the est they had;


74/149

=;< W!& C&3"s N"4

B(2()9 O#(3(0 ou say... my residency is one that you cannot aideInsane= +amacare passes2 you 'ote to repeal fifty times

I&m so lue

$ememer we had a recession when *ush went away

assed a stimulus too

ell e'en despite our estrangement2 I&'e got Just one 6uery for you

ho comes next

After me

Do you thin!

ou can eat Hillaryou&re on your own

Lhh= Awesome. ow.

Do you ha'e a clue what happens now7

#itt $omney2 ,ohn #cCain

They loo! excellent compared to today

All alone2 the +2

hen the people 'ote for another lieral2

Don&t come crawling ac! to me

Da da da da daaaaa dat da da da dayyyya daDa da dat dat dayyyyya da



ou&re on your own.


75/149

==< D"(2 I(%9(

T2*30 #y dear I'an!a2 what to say to you7ou ha'e my heart2 you ha'e your mother&s frame

hen you came into the world2 you smiled2 and it made me lush

I&m dedicating my campaign to you

*eautiful women ha'e always een my style

hen you smile2 you !noc! me out2 I fall apart

1'en though I am so smart.

ou ha'e come to e an inspiration

I will deate for you

I&ll ma!e it $1AT for you

If I lay a strong enough foundationI&ll use it well for you2 to uild a wall for you

And you&ll low us all away=

0omeday2 someday

eah2 you&ll low us all away

0omeday2 someday.

J"#0 +h2 #arco when you smile I am undone

#y ?son

)oo! at my ?son

ride is not the word I&m loo!ing for2

Don&t tal! to me or my son e'er again.

+h2 #arco you outshine the Cuan sun2

#y son2

hen you accuse +ama2 I fall apart2

And I thought I was so smart.

#y father was president2

I swear I&ll e president for you

J"#B I&ll ma!e a million mista!es

T2*3B I&ll go and raise up the sta!es

J"#/T2*3B I&ll !eep the 'otes safe and sound2

or you will come of age with our old nation

e will deate for you

e&ll ma!e it $1AT for you

If we lay a strong enough foundation


76/149

J"#B I&ll pass it on to you.

T2*30 I&ll uild a wall for you2

J"#/T2*3B And you&ll low us all away=

0omeday2 somedayeah2 you&ll low us all away

0omeday2 someday.


77/149

=>< F*++ S&T2*30 A-After Iowa I went ac! to the trail

J"#0 A-After Iowa I went ac! to the trail.

T2*30 I finished up my tweets and some fol!s2 I sued

J"#0 I ran for pre>2 Trump screamed and ooed.

T2*30 1'en though he started way efore my time2

0ad wea! ,e egan to fall ehind

How to account for his fall from the top7

#aaaaan2 the man is ull 0top;

J"#0 entlemen of %ew Hampshire I&m curious2 ear with me

Are you aware you could ma!e history7

This is the chance to stop Trump or Cru> from running our nation

The energy ehind my exclamation;

I intend to pro'e eyond a shadow of a dout

That America wants me.

T2*30 athetic;

,e2 sit down;

America is angry2 show me your pollsThat&s all I ha'e to say.

J"#0 +!ay - one more thing;

T2*30 hy do you assume that America wants you7

hy do you assume that America wants you7

hy do you assume that America wants you7

0oon that attitude may e your doom;

hy do you cry li!e a wea! pathetic man7ea!2 wea!2 wea!2 Just li!e your ro and your dad7

1'ery day you&re sad2 Just the saddest man of all.

/eep on losing in the meantime.

E%s"3#+"0 L)) 0T+;


78/149

J"#0 olls are often 6uite wrong2 we can ignore them pretty happily2

And nowhere are they wronger than in primaries2

The 'oter turnout is increasingly stalling2Honestly that&s why the election seems to e calling me.

A++0 ull 0top;

J"#0 I practiced campaigning2 I practically perfected it2

I got a tic!et to my name ut I wasn&t elected yet

%ow for my last name to carry me

If not they&ll forget me

)egacy defined y turtles I ga'e for free

T2*30 ea! ,e rising in the polling in %ew Hampshire

J"#0 I was rising in the polling ta!en in %ew Hampshire;

T2*30 Lp from his sad fifth place in Iowa

J"#0 %ow what I&m gonna say might ma!e some of you guffaw

T2*30 oes and proposes that he&s the est candidate; That pathetic ,e is the 'ery est

candidate; i'es so many speeches2 the estalishment is listless;

Es(#+is!3"%0 *oring old man2 yo2 who the f is this7

T2*30 hy do you always tal! aout your ro7

The wea!est president2 after *arry +

hy do you ring up the *ush name can&t you see

Ha2 gonna get that media for free

hy do you campaign with so little energy7

Campaigning day and night with >ero energy7

1'ery day you sin! e'en lower2 'ery sad

/eep eing wea!

Sclap clapS

T2*30 ,e7

J"#0 Donald Trump2 Chump.


79/149

T2*30 It&s the middle of the campaign7

J"#0 #y polls ha'e made a Jump.

T2*30 hy does this e'en matter7

J"#0 *ecause I want you to seeW

T2*30 hat do you need7

J"#0 Trump2 your supporters ha'e more energy

T2*30 Duh

J"#0 I !now I tal! too soft and I&m pouty

ou&re terrile on stage2 you&re so mean and shouty

+ur arty needs a strong candidate2 you&re not the solution

T2*30 hat&s your deal7

J"#0 our campaign&s total dissolution.

T2*30 %o;

J"#0 Hear me out;

T2*30 %o way;

J"#0 A series of corporations2 constantly failing

0howing your lac! of usiness sa''y to the pulic

T2*30 %o one will care;

J"#0 I disagree.

T2*30 ou&re gonna fail.

J"#0 %o2 you&re gonna eat it;

T2*30 ,e2 you&re a mess.

J"#0 0o I need a pep tal!=


80/149

T2*30 ou&re such a sad man

J"#0 At least my dad roc!s.

ou need to start losing

T2*30 %o2 no way.

J"#0 ou&re ma!ing a mista!e

T2*30 or fuc!&s sa!e2 go away.

J"#0 Hey2 what are your policies2 what&ll you 'ote for7

T2*30 hat7

J"#0 ou&re the front runner ut what do you stand for7 Do you support the $epulican arty7

T2*3 +f course.

J"#0 Then lea'e it.

T2*30 And what if you lose to the Democrats& fa'orite horse7

J"#0 Trump2 we deated2 and we fought and we yelled

or the chance of nomination that the primaries held

or once in your life2 do something for another

I Just want to e pres Just li!e my older rother

T2*30 I&m uilding a wall2 I&ll ma!e it the est ?1nsemleB They&ll pay for it2 pay for it

I&ll sue you and laugh as your campaign implodes

I&m ta!ing my time2 watching the country&s reJu'enation

atching the greatness grow.

I%"2"ss0 I am wor!ing through the whole 0outh2

I am accompanied y corporations who always pay.

all 0treet2 the /och *rothers2 they will !eep me in comfort for this campaign.

They are not a lot of fun ut...well2 they all outmatch you2 for turn of phrase.

#y mee!est ,e *ush=Don&t forget to email.

V&"2s0 )oo! at where you are.

)oo! at where you started.

The fact that you&re in the race...well2 it&s not a miracle.

*ut you&ll win lorida. At least that&s something2 right7


81/149

And if your state could share a fraction of your time=

If we could gi'e you personality=

ould it e something right7

T2*30 ,e Joins forces with ,ohn /asich and Chris Christie to ta!e a series of stancesdefending the moderates in the $epulican arty2 entitled the “%ew Hampshire Town Halls.(

The plan was to to gi'e a total of twenty fi'e speeches2 the words di'ided e'enly among the

three men. In the end they hosted eighty-fi'e e'ents in the span of two wee!s.

Chris Christie got sic! after gi'ing fi'e.

,ohn /asich ga'e twenty-nine.

,e ga'e the other fifty one;

T2*30 How do you thin! that you ha'e a chance to win7

0pea!ing and tal!ing li!e you&'e got a chance to win7

1'ery day you cry and you ha'e no chance to win2

%ot a single chance to win2

Trump&s the only one who wins;

E%s"3#+"0 hy do you run when your E4 points ehind7

How do you go when your Nth place ac! in line7

How do you go without a single win this time7

1'ery primary goes y2 not a single win or tie7

GW0 They are as!ing Cru> to lead.

ou can&t possily e doing the est you can2

To get the people that you need2ou ha'e to step it up2 my right wing man;

J"#B /eep running or let it go7

GWB I !now it&s a lot to as!

J"#B /eep running or let it go7

GWB To stand up to all these foes=

J"#B *ro2 do you want me to !eep running or let it go7

GWB /eep running.

J"#B +h no.

V&"2sB ,e;


82/149

J"#B I ha'e to lea'e.

V&"2sB ,e;

J"#B )oo! around2 loo! around2 An election year is happening in our nation right now.

V&"2sB Moting...

J"#B They are as!ing me to run;

V&"2sB )oo! around;

At least lorida is something2 right7

I%"2"ssB He will always e on our side

+n our side

+n our side

GWB ox %ews has its eyes on you;

The whole mashup of their 'oices

J"#B I am not throwing away mah point;

%ot throwin& away mah exclamation - point;

I am ,e *ush2 1xclamation oint ?1xclamation oint

,ust please clap;I am not throwing away mah point;


83/149

ACT II


84/149

=?< M P&++ N*3#"2s J*3Twenty...Twe-Twe-Twenty-twe-twe-Twenty

T2*3B Twenty-0ixteen

How does the sad2 ro!en down2 disempowered

ay-too-funded loser

et all the +&s endorsements.

ight the other candidates til he must for sure 6uit

Ha'e it all2 lose it all2

$eady for some more shit7

$epulican Candidate.

+ama&s still the president1'ery single tele'ised deate sets a precedent

%ot so fast. 0omeone came along from the ottom

0enator from Texas whom our arty had forgotten

He won in Iowa2 we thought he had no chance

*ut he&s denyin& science2 got that whole Tea arty stance

It&s rather telling that no one has e'er said

ou simply must meet Ted.

E%s"3#+"0 Ted Cru> is getting 'ooootes

Ted Cru> is getting 'ooootesTed Cru> is getting 'ooootes

Ted Cru> is getting 'ooootes

Ted Cru> is getting 'otes

)ord2 he&s een off in Iowa

or so long

C2*:0 +ama destroyed this country&s 'ery 'alues

There is no more lierty

If you want that ac!

I&m your nominee

I came in first place at the Iowa Caucus

Then I said2 XI otta go&

otta get out to %ew Hampshire

et out and get the 'ote....


85/149

E%s"3#+"0 Aaaa-oooo

C2*:0 #y poll numers Jump

#y poll numers Jump

Texas my home sweet home2 gonna gi'e me a umpI&'e een in Iowa2 meeting all the farmers

The polls are saying that I&m 6uite the charmer

*ut e'en with my success I still lose to Trump

E%s"3#+"0 Aaaaa-oooo

C2*:0 There&s a new post on my wall from some +[ guy

Chatter the last caucus hasn&t e'en died

Heidi e a lam2 darlin& wontcha hit reply

It says the #edia&s assemling a meeting

And that there&s to e another frea!in deate2 great;

And that I&m almost standing in center stage

I Just got home and now I&m headed to %ew Hampshire

E%s"3#+"0 Headed to %H;

Headed to %H;

C2*:0 )oo!in& at the ranite 0tate I can&t elie'e Trump&s eating me;

$eady to face him in that D-1-*-A-T-1

*ut who&s standin& there when I go up on that stage7

*oth *en and ,ohn /asich standing 6uite far away.,ohn gras my arm and I respond “hat&s oing on7(

E%s"3#+"0 Aaaa-oooo;

K(si)!0 Ted2 we are so confused as how to wal! out onto this 'ery stage

Can you get us out of the mess we&re in7

E%s"3#+"0 Aaa-oooo;

K(si)!0 *en Carson&s in

jeb the musical

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