It'saBoy!

CASIMIRDUKAHZ

TheColtsfootPress

Allnamesandeventshereinarefictional.Ifanyonefeelsthatanycharacterportrayedinthefollowingpagesishimself(livingordead),thenheshouldhanghisheadinshame.

TheColtsfootPress,P.0.Box3496

1001AGAmsterdamTheNetherlands

Copyright1984byCasimirDukahz

FirstPrintingJuly,1984CoverpaintingbyOtolo,coverdesignbyStudioDeunk

Exceptforbriefpassagesquotedinanewspaper,magazine,radioortelevisionreview,nopart

ofthisbookmaybereproducedinanyformorbyanymeans,electronicormechanical,includingphotocopyingandrecording,byanyinformationstorageandretrievalsystem,without

permissioninwritingfromthepublisher.

PhototypesetinTheNetherlandsbyTheColtsfootPress

PrintedinTheNetherlandsbyVanBoekhoven-Boschby,Utrecht

ISBN9070154285

ToKEFI—Hollow'dbethyName

Somesaythyfaultisyouth,somewontonness,Somesaythygraceisyouthandgentlesport;

Bothgraceandfaultsarelovedofmoreandless;Thoumakstfaultsgracesthattotheeresort.

—WillytheShake

Author'sFourwordThisbook—whichaquackgynecologisttermed'aninterruptedabortion'—isdedicatedprimarilytotheboy-smitten,withafewenligheningwordsformayhemicheteros.RecentlyIreceivedafan-letterfromaguywhosellselectric-fansandheasked:'Areboy-loversbornthatwayoraretheymade?'Ireplied:'Dearfriend—Loversofyounglads(knownasboysexualsinthetrade)yeaverilyareglorouslybornthus,thoughlaterthey'reusuallymadeforeverycentthey'vegotbythecleverlittlesquirtstheytaketobed.FreuddeclaredthatManisessentiallybisexualandischanneledinonedirectionortheotherbyhissubsequentconditioning—butI'mconvincedSigmundwasallcokedupona66%Solutionwhenhevoicedthatopinion.Morecredibly,aGermansexpertstatesthathomosexualitybeginsaboutthe5thmonthinthewombandisdelightfullycausedbylackofandrogensinthefoetus,thoughthefewfoetusesI'vebumpedintoarecoylymumonthispoint.Inmyowninfamousexperience,I'vebeenirresistablyattractedtomagneticmini-maleseversinceIfirstglimpsedoneandmadebumblingovertures—Ididn'tknowthenexactlywhatIwantedfromthembutIwantedit—whichresultedinonlyinmysufferingasuccessionofbloodynoses,bruises,contusionsandcontumely.Itrustthisanswersyourquestiontoourmutualsatisfaction.'(AnitaOrange,pleasecopy.)Anothercorrespondent—plainlywithCapitalPunishmentinhismindbutmisapprehensioninhispen—wrote:'Howcanyoupossiblyjustifysohorrendousasinasboy-lovewhenSodomandGomorrahweredestroyedbyarainoffireforjustthatfilthyabomination?!Humanmaleswerecreatedtolovefemalesandnoneother.'Iresponded:'Sir—accordingtoBibleprecisionistsorrevisionists,SodomandGonorrheaweredestroyedforthesinofInhospitalityandnothingelse.ItseemstheCityFatherslockedupalltheprettyladssotheywouldn'tbecometoobuddy-buddywithvisitingfiremen,therebyprovokingJehovah'sincendiarywrath.I'dalsoliketomentionthatboy-loveneedsevenlessjustificationthanheterosexualitydoes—especiallyinthesedaysofworld-widepopulationexplosionandconsequentfood-shortage,highdivorce-rate,child-abusebyparents,unwedunfitmothersandovercrowdedhomesforjuveniles.Thefactis,it'syoubloodyheteroswho'vebeenfuckinguptheworksallalongandstatisticsbearmeout.Ifyouhavebeenblessedwithason,youshouldbeawarethataboy-loverisnothalfsodangeroustoaladasfootballorhockey,notone-tenthsoperilousastheyoungster'sownpeers,cock'dorcunt'd.Astomalesexclusivelylovingfemales,it'sobviousthatyounotonlyknowdamnlittleofthesexualhistoryofvertebratesbutyou'vealsobeenbrain-washedbysuchJudeo-Christianasininitiesas:"Boy-loveisthepursuitoftheinfertileimprobablebythefeloniousunspeakable"plussimilarcondemnatorymisconceptions—thoughawiser,moreunderstandingpersonremarked:"Allthepracticalargumentsareforboy-loveandallthemoralargumentsareagainstit".It'snotentirelyyourfaultthatyou'resowoefullymisinformed,ofcourse,forwhatdotheyknowofladswhodonotladsknow?Idon'tknowawholehelluvalotaboutthe"fair"sex,nordesireto,butwhatIhavelearnedisn'toverwhelminglyintheirfavoryetIforgivethemastheyincubateboysandthereforeareanecessaryevilifnotanattactivenuisance.

Furthermore,I'msureyou'llappreciatethetrue,honesto-Jesusdopeonwhatreallytookplacesome5000yearsagoduringGenesisortheBeginningofallourtroublesandhere'swhatactuallyoccurredforIhappenedtobestrollingbyatthetime.See,firstGodcreatedtheEarthandtheFloraandFaunaandsoforthandthenhecreateeManandHelookedathimandsaid:"Well,no,you'retoohardandangularandhairyandfarfromwhatIhadinmind".SonextHemadeWomanandHeinspectedherandsighed:"Um,no,you'renotit,either—toosoftandwishy-washyandtoomuchhairaroundyourman-trap".SoHecreatedGirlandHegazedatherandgrowled:"Hell,you'rejustapint-sizedWomanandthoughyou'renicelybaredownthereyoudon'tmeasureuptomyideal,neither.Goddamit,Ican'tseemtodoanythingrighttoday!"SoatlastindespairGodmadeastriplingoftenderyearsandHeogledhimandcried,"ByChrist,IfinallyachievedPerfectionandIt'saBoy!You'retheUltimate,beauteouslad,you'retheOne!Hardyetsweetlysoft,angularyettemperedwithbeguilingcurvesandyourlove-locksareallonyourheadincrowninghalo.Comehitherandclimbuponmyknee,SonnyBoy!"Thus,fromthatmomentonothergodsfromZeustoAntinouswhomEmperorHadriandeifiedhavebeenfollowingthedivineprecedentsetbytheAlmighty—andAncientGreeceblissfullyfellbecausehersodomic'sins'weresoenchantingthatshecouldnotbeartoforegothem.Ergo,boy-loversaresimplytroddinginthefootprintsoftheirheavenlypredecessorsandifanyoneisoutofstepit'syou!Nowdon'tthinkforoneminutethatboy-loveisabedorrosypeniandani,asMurphy'sLawgoesdoublehere:"Nolittlethingisaseasyashelooks.Everylittlethingcostsmorethanyouexpect.Ifanylittlethingcangowrong,hewill—attheworstpossiblemoment."Ineedhardlytellyouthathewhohasatasteforprick'dpubescentsisbesetfromallsidesbyenemiesrangingfromdumb-asslawmakersthroughhostileparentstotoomanycharmingrip-offkidsthemselves.YetloversoflittlemalespertinaciouslyprevailandpersistinsnatchingtheForbiddenFruitfromtheJawsofDanger,DeathandDestructionforboysareaDivineWorship,afeverintheblood—andcoldbathsdon'thelp.Forthesereasons,lad-loveisatonceitsownecstasyanditsowncruelandunusualpunishment.Nodoubthereyouwillsay:"Sowhydoyouawfulcreepskeepmessingaroundwiththesehazardousyoungball-breakers?",andIreply:"BecauseourmottoandourcreedisWhyNottheBest?—asJimmyCarterproclaimedbutneverproved.Believeitornot,whenyouinitmatelycommunewitharesponsiveyoungsterhewillhaveyouthumbingyournoseatallthedull,flat,staleandunspermfulhordesofmerefemalesandtheiruxoriousmantis-mates.HewillopenupsheerHeavenandletyouin—butbewaryforhecanallraiseHellandburyyoubeneathit.ButwhyshouldIwasteanymoretimeandenergygivinggoodadvicetoastonewalllikeyou?YougoyourmasochistwayandI'llgohedonistmine.Noharmdone,nobonesbrokenandafterall,comparedtothemanycriticalproblemsoftheseparloustimes,boy-loveisaveryminorconcern,indeed.'

1.Standinginvitation

"Youareold,FatherWilliam,"theyoungstersaid,"Andyourhairhasturnedverywhite.Yetyou'reeverkneelingbeforeme–Doyouthinkatyouragethatisright?”

"Rightorleft,itisfrabjous,"FatherWilliamreplied,

"Andtheconsumingboyofmylife.YetbettercouldIeatyouifyoulaidInmybedlikeaproperboy-wife.”

"But,Fatherdear,"criedthelad,hurttothequick,

"Iwasonlygivingyouatreat-ForIblastquickerandslickerandthickerAndsquirttwiceasmuchonmyfeet!”

"Yourpointiswell-taken,"pantedFatherWilliam,

Hungrilycreakingtohisknees."Ocomeuntome,thouheavy-laden,

AndIshallgiveyouease!”

2.AnAppealtoReasonInNewYorkCity,thatvauntedFountofLiberalism,amanwasrecentlysentencedto25yearsinprisonforsexualassaultsontwoboysof9and13.(Ifthemanhadmurderedtheladshewouldprobablyhavegotten10yearsorless—andifhehadbeentheyoungster'sfatherandmayhemlyabusedthen,hedoubtlesswould'vebeengivenapsychiatricktreatmentinfreeandcushycomfort.)Justice,weareloftilytold,derivesfromGodbutintheU.S.A.thatdeityisJudeo-Christianandstraightoutofwitch-burningSalem,particularlyininstancesofhomosexualitywhereHefire-bombedSodomandGomorrahforlackofhospitality—tofemales.ItistoberegrettedthattheAmericanGodisnotthatancientGreekdivinity,Zeus,forhemorebenignlyunderstooddalliancebetweenmenandboys.However,let'sattempttoanalyzetheforegoingcase.Asusual,themediagivenoexplicitdetailsbeyondthealarmingtermof'sexualassault'orthelikeforit'sthroughrawsensationalismthatmostmediaselltheirsordidwares—butifthe`assault'heredidresultinpainfulanguishthentheculpritshouldindeedget25yearsatHardLabor.Yetthephrase`sexualassault'isoftenambiguousandmisleadingforitcanandgenerallydoes—simplymeanpattingsomelad'sLevi'dbottomashestrutsbyinaprobablehazeofpot-fumes,orgentlygropinghimandhumblyinquiringifhe'dliketobeblowedforbounteousbucks.That'shardly'assault'byanysanedefinitionbutratherapoliteinvitationtoPleasureandProfit—andnowadaysit'stherareboywhospurnssuchsolicitationsashealmostalwaysneedsmoneyformoregrassandbeerand$40WesternbootsandX-ratedmoviesandotherjuvenilenecessities.SoOK,thekidsellshisorgasm(wetordry),bothboyandmanhavetheirwantssuppliedinhappytogetherness—butHeavenhelpthehaplessbuyerifthey'recaught!Whatcausesthisfanaticpersecutionofwhatareusuallyharmlesssex-acts?LargelyitisbecausetheAuthoritiesandmostheterosexualshavebeenbrainwashedbyReligion,Politics,thePuritantraditionanderroneous'straight'propagandaintoblindlybelievingthatallchildrenareinnocentandthereforeatallcostsmustbeprotectedfromeventhemildestofsexualrelationswithpeeroradult,butfromfairlycomprehensiveexperienceIcandefinitelyaffirmthatinhisYearofOhLord!1984,perhapsonechildin30issexuallyinnocentandverypossiblyheisdoinghisdamndesttospeedilyremedythatsituation.Thesadfactisthatinthesedaysofmisdirectedliberalpermissiveness,children—andboysinparticular—arefastbecomingmorehazardoustolifeandlimbthantheMafiaorthemotor-car.InBaltimorenotlongago,twoboysof14and16drowneda6-year-oldandthenwenttothevictim'smotheranddemanded$300ransomforthetot's'safe'return.InMichiganrecently,eightyoungboyscomplainedtoparentsandpolicethattheyhadbeen'abducted'plusbeingsexually'molested'inmostcases.Exhaustiveinvestigationincludinglie-detectortestsprovedthattheeightladswereimaginativeliars,oneandallthelittledevilsweredoubtlesshellishboredandwantedsomeexcitementandattention,sexualorotherwise.Thesearenotisolatedincidentsforsucharerampantthroughoutthenation.ThelateststatisticsrevealthatnearlyhalfthecrimeinAmericaiscommittedbyjuvenilesof10to17whoaccountfor54%ofallburglaryarrests,48%ofviolentassaults,18%ofrapes,etc.,etc.

Consideringtheabove,itseemsclearthatmostadultsarefarmoreinneedofprotectionthanarejuveniles—andwhereamanandaboyhavebeenapprehendedinasex-act,inallfairnesstotheeldertheladshouldbeinterrogatedasintensivelyastheadultandthefollowingareessentialpointstobestressedindeterminingthefacts:1)Istheboydemonstrably'innocent'orishea'hustler'?Ifthereisdoubthere,theladshouldbegivenaphysicalexaminationforindicationsofpreviouspassiveanalintercourse.2)Iftheboyisnotahustler,hashehadhomosexualexperiencewithhisage-peers?Inotherwords,doeshedamnwellknowthescore?3)Didtheladconsenttooreveninvitesexualintimaciesandwasthereanexchangeinmoneyorothermaterialbenefits?4)Istheboy'gay',thusperhapswelcominganothermale'sadvances?5)DoestheladhaveaJuvenileorFamilyCourtrecordandifso,doeshisoffenseoroffensesinclude'rippingoffqueers'?6)Ifthereisanyreasontobelievethattheboyisnotrespondingtruthfullytotheinterrogationthenalie-detectortestshouldbeadministered.ShortlyaftertheMichiganincidentsrelatedabove,aGrandRapidsTVstation—withpossiblyanironicsenseofhumorairedaSpecialProgramaimedatchildrenandtitled:Don'tGowithStrangers!Thingsbeingastheyarethesedangerousdays,thatTVstationmighthaveperformedamorevalidandneedfulserviceiftheSpecialhadbeenaddressedtoboy-loversandadultsingeneral,andtitled:Don'tGowithStrangeChildren!

3.VanityFairFouledAKalamazooMichigoslingisKylewhohasflyawayblondcurls,rovingaffirmativeeyesandsuchothersucker-baitaccessoriesastorenderhimprobablythefairestandmostpopularpieceofsweetmeatintheGreatLakesArea.Virtuallyclimbingoutofthewombwell-versedintheSatyriconicArts,theladhasbeenpeddlinghispertpenisandperiposteroirsincehewas9threebusyyearsago.KyleliveswithhiswidowedmotherwhosepermanenthubbyisJohnBarleycornforshespendsmostofherwakinghoursmidstmilddelirium-tremensandlookingthroughawhisky-glassdarkly.OutofhisSin-badearnings,Sonny-boykeepshismaternalparentbelly-deepinboozesohe'slargelyallowedtocomeandwentashepleases,oftenbrininghomearut-crazedJohnofhisownforaquickieorall-nighttrick—DearMamabeingunderthewoosyimpressionthatallthesenice,respectable-lookingmenareheroffspring'steachersattheschoolhedoesn'tgoto.IwaspermittedtowineanddineonMasterK'sbill-of-fareonlyonceforindilly-dallyamorosityheprefersquantitytoQualitysuchasmyselfandneverbedswithanadmirertwice.Asvainasapeecock,it'sapointofoverblownpridetothisladtoseehowmanydifferentfly'ddenizenshecanattracttohishoney.Asifthatwasn'theartlessenough,wheneachtoo-transientmattress-matehasreluctantlydonnedhisgarbanddeparted,Kylewithapininscribestheinitialsofhislatestlover'snameonanavybeananddepositssameintoaMasonfruitjarasanothersouvenirofandtributetohisfolly'dfascination—andseveraltimesaweektheladwillmiser-gloatinglycountandrecounttheflatteringlegumesthatsosymbolicallysustainhissuper-ego:100,200,300,400...Bingo,Bango,Bungholo!Osad!0Sob-Sob!0ZutAlors!Prideevergoethbeforeafall-guy!OnedayKyle'smother—staggeringlyattemptingtochangetheinfamiedlinenonherson'smuch-laidbed—blearinglycameuponhiscacheofconquest-emblemsunderasex-stainedpillow."Didyouever?"toherselfshesaid."No,Inever!"toherselfshereplied.Amourmakesyouhungry,asQueenVictoriasaidtoFatAlbert.—andKylewasravenousthatnightwhenhecamehometosupper.HisMommyhadpassed-outinfrontoftheTVblaringaboutAlcoholics'RightssotheboyavidlygobbleduptheentirepotoftastyBakedBeansonthestovebeforehenoticedhisemptyMasonjarinthesink!

4.MeetMarket

Look!Look!Seethelittleboy?My,isn'thepretty!Almostlovelyasyou.HisnameisBuffy.

Heiseightyearsold-Justyourage,right?BuffyisagoodboyinThebettersenseandEverybodyloveshim.

Yes,thisisTimesSquareWhichisfarfromsquare

andprimemake-outcountryWhereyoucanpickup

Sweetgoodieshere'nthere,Now'nthen.

Look!Look!SeethecreepyguyinPointy-toedshoes,pinkPantsandpurplecoat,TalkingtolittleBuffy?

He'sapimpasinpimpleWhichugliesthefaceof

Beauty.Stayawayfromhim-Hiskindarelazy,greedy,no-goodBastardswhowanttomonopolize

Thebestthingsinlife.

Look!Look!SeeBuffyspitatthecruddy

Pimpandwalkaway?Thatchildhashiswits

Abouthim—heisn'tgoingTosharehishard-earnedWageswithsomefilthyBruteandparasite!

Look!Look!

Seetheotherman?HeisquiteoldandshabbyThoughneatlydressed.

Perhapsheisverypoorbut

Heisagoodman-Youaresafewithhim.

SeehowhungrilyhelooksAtBuffy?Heishungry–FamishedforthetenderFriendshipofyoungflesh.

Look!Look!

SeethemangoupandSpeaktoprettyBuffy?

Theyoungsterrepliespolitely.Whataretheytalkingabout?They'retalkingaboutmoneyAndthepricelessboy-gifts

Itoftencanbuy.

Listen!Listen!Hearwhatthey'resaying?Themansays:Fivedollars?

Buffysays:Fifteen.Themansays:

Tendollars?Buffysays:Fifteen.Themansays:Elevendollars?

It'sallI'vegot.Buffysays:OK,Gramps

Yougottadeal!

Look!Look!SeethemangiveBuffy

Elevendollars,onebyone,Andwalkawaywithhim?

WhydoesBuffygowiththeman?Becauseheisaniceboy.

Areyouaniceboy?Youare?That'swonderful!Wouldyouliketomake

Elevenwholedollars,too?You'dliketomakefifteendollars?H'm,Icanseeyou'regoingto

GetalongOKinthiscruelworld.Allright,here'sfifteendollarsComewithme,niceboy.

What?What?!What'sthatyousay?

Youcan'tcomewithme?

Whynot,littlesweetling?BecauseyourMommyisStandingrightbehindmeWithabigol'hatpin?!

OUCH!!HELP!!POLICE!!

5.AlanSpellsAnal(ysis)

Ishouldworry,Ishouldcare-

Ishouldlayforamillionaire.Heshoulddie

AndIshouldcry-AndIshouldlayforanotherguy!

InCaliforniagrowsweetlittleblondsrowonrowthoughtheirforbiddingforebearshailmainlyfromIowaorhetero-hellenclavesadjacent.TrulyCaliforniaistheSonshineStatebutitseldersaremuchomachohypocriticohostile—they'llcastrateyouinSanDiegoiftheycatchyouwithyourcockinSanFernando'sValleyandtheJudgeinLompocwhoprisonlypunitivesyouforfellativeforaysonSanFrancisco'ssucculentwaterfront,likeasnotkeepsanoverblownladlinginTwenty-ninePalms.AcouplecalendersagoIwasjustabouttoapplyforOld-AgeAssistancewhenIwon$4000onaMexicanlottery-ticketsoldtomebyaChicanopaper-boyinElLay,andbeingadvisedbyanIRSillegal-beaglefriendthatmybonanzawouldgokid-furthestinVenicejustahop,skipandhumptothesouth,Idonnedmybestbib-and-tuckeranddescendeduponthatunsuspectingcity—fallingintotwodrycanalsthreeminutesafterIgotoffthebus.MyfaultasIwastoobusyoglingtheyoungsters,whodidindeedappearluscious,lucrelessandpromiscuous,towatchwhereIwasgoing—butwhenIaccostedalikelyitemheturnedhisback,bentoverandreleasedafartsodecibelthatitdepiliatedthehairsinmyears.Igoontosolicitasilver-blond,astrawberry-blondandadunkel-blondbuteachtimeamspurnedwithscurrilouscomments,oralandanal,untilsourlyI'mpersuadedthatVenetianboysarelikeDeadSeafruit—lovelytolookatbutlethaltoeat.Thensuddenlytheanti-conjunctivefigisliftedforinfrontoftheWomen'sLibBuilding(animpressiveerection)IdiscernamerrylittlebootblackwhoevidentlyhastakenashinetomeasheisgrinningfromeartoAdam's-apple,beckoningwithonehandandstrokinghissemen-stainedcrotch(toomanysloppystand-upblow-jobs?)withtheother.Isthesweetlingactuallytryingtopickmeup?!GodknowsI'mwillingbutit'snottheusualjuvenilemodusoperandiforbyanystretchoftheimaginationI'mnottheBodyBeautiful,myfacehavingbeensatonbysomanyassertivekidletsthatitresemblesaruptureddouche-bag.Verypossiblyit'smynewbankers'-graysuitthatbetokensapregnantwalletthoughmysartorialhabitsaremodest:BillBlass,myass!,YvetteSantLaurent,Poochie-Pucci(orisitPussy?)andGoochie-Gucci-Gussielikewise—IgetmyclothesatRobertHall(whenRobertisn'tlooking).Whatever,Igallopuptothekidandcloserseethathe'sanapple-cheek'dDeliciouswithtourmaline-greeneyeswhoobviouslyisplayinghookeyfromHeavenandI'mjustabouttositonhis3-leggedstooltogetmybroguesbuffedplusprobablelatterbenefitswhenhechirps:"I'mknockin'offworknow,mistuh,an'youdoanneednoshinenohow.”"Oh,"Irejoin,confused."Ithoughtyouwerelookingforacustomer.”"Iam—youkincarrymystoolhomefermeyoubesokindly,"andhegivesmeanup-from-underenigmaticglancethatcombinesYes,No,MaybeandperhapsPerhaps.Sugar-tithasa

novelgreen-light/red-lightapproachandthoughhemaybezanierthanapolka-dotzebra,he'salsoasay-Hey!li'larticlemylipsandlingamlongtoexploresohand-in-handIaccompanyhimthroughmeanderingstreetsandphilanderingalleysuntilwecometoaHansel&Gretelcottage(theWitchisout,Itrust)shadedbyweeping-willowswhichseemtodrytheirtearsatourarrival.Withinisonelargeroomdominatedbyasultan-sizebed,kitchenetteandbathinanell.Perfectyounghost,theboypushesmeintoachairandbringsoutademijohnofOldHair-Piewhichhesloshesbrimfullyintotwojelly-glasses."Drinkitfast,"hecautions,"orit'llfightback."Itossthejuicedown—smoothasmaplesyrupandwarmingtotheinnardsandoutardsdependencies."Cosylittlenestyougothere,"Iremark."AreyouManoftheHouse?”"Mysisterpaystherentonthedumpbutsheain'tneverhome'causesheworknight'ndayinnazigzagfact'ry.”"Shemakedresses?”"Shemakesmeniswhatshemakes.”"Acaseof'likebrother,likesister',right?”"SissaysImakemenwrong.”"She'snuts,honeybunch—boyscandonowrong.Bytheway,myname'sDuke.”"I'mAlanwhenIain'tsumbuddyelse."HerefillsmyglassandIgulpitdown—stillsmoothbutamitebumpyonlanding."Where'syourMumandDad?"Iinquire.Alwayswisetoearly-oncasethesceneforpotentialparentalhazards."They'reintoBuddhaorsomecreeplikethatan'wenttoIndia,"theboysnortsdisgustedly.Ah,thecoastiscleartoinfiltratethislittledear!"I'mintoboysmyself,"Itentative,"andtocometothepoint,wouldyoubeinclinedtoanice,guaranteedfanglesssuck-job?”"Mistuh,I'mbonedry'causeIblasted-offastorm'boutanhourago.”"Youmeanaprettybabylikeyouhastomasturbate?”"Naw,Igotmilkedinnaphone-booth.Youknow,oneo'themkindlikeacoffinonend,withwindows?”"Wasn'tthatawfullydangerous,sopublicandall?”"Fortheguy,maybe,butIfoundtwo-bitsinthecoin-return.”

NextIsuggestthatabigsmoochykisswouldnotbeamissbutthekidscowlsthatkissingamongmalesisthefirstdownwardstepontheLavenderRoadtoSomohexuality!Godalmighty,what'swiththiscontrarycock-teaser...canheonlysexitupinaMaBellcloset?I'mjustabouttowritehimoffinredinkwhenhetossesmeaseductiveSalomesmileandpoursmeanotherbeakerofOldBristle-Tart.MournfullyIglugitdowneasy-ridingasbeforeenroutebutthistimetheslugricochetsaroundinmybellylikeamortar-shellinachinapiss-pot,convulsingmesospasmlythatmywalletpopsoutofmycoat-pockettolandsprawlingatAlan'sfeet.Hepicksitupandreturnsitbutnotbeforehe'sseenallthehigh-denominationlettucethereinwhichbulgeshiseyes,pantshisbreathandcatapultshimintomylaptobussmefervently,Frenchly,flame-tonguingly."Youwanntzigzag?"hecroons,lickingmynostrilsandgrindinghishotbottomhardagainstmymump'dcrotch."Uh...transitiveorintransitive?”"MenospikadaGreek!”"Passiveoractive,asoneSiamese-twinsaidtotheother."Giggling,thekidprodsmychestwithabruisingforefinger."YouTarzan,meBoy,TarzanbangBoy,OK?"andhe'soutofmyarms,tearingoffhisdudsandminethoughpausingtofondlemywallet-pocketlovingly.Dangit,here'sanothergreedymoney-minor!CanIneverbedesiredbymyselfalone?Staggeringundermypreciouslightweightburden,IcarryAlantobedwherehecocksanaskanceeye:"Howyouwantme...dawg-fashion,onmyback,belly,sideorpony-boystyle?”"Canyoustandonyourheadinperversereverse?”"That'stodiefrum—you'dbitchupmybunghole.”"You'reassproneonthreepillowsisapluperfectpositionfordeepestpenetration.”"Yeah,sure,un-huh,prone—likewhich?”"Likebelly-whop,baby.”Asiffromlongexperiencetheboyflopsinperfectpedication-posture,bodyrelaxed,legsspread,hishoney-bunsrisinginyeastyallure.DazedlyIreachforthenearly-emptyjarofRosebudRectalJellyonthebedside-table,anointbybluntinstrument,scoopupagobofRosiewithmysocial-fingerandtremulouslypartAlan'ssilkyloaves.Tightlyhecontractsthem."Idoanneednogrease'causeIshovedasuppos'toryupmyintakebefore.”Jesus,don'ttellmehe'sconstipated!"Beforewhat,forpity'ssake?!"Igag,havingabsent-mindedlypoppedfinger'dRosieinmymouthandsucked."Beforebehind!"kiddysnickers."See,'Beprepared!'ismymottofrumwhenIwasaBoyScout—butIhaddaleaveunneracloud.”

"Fortyingtoomanylover's-knotsinCubScouts,nodoubt?”"Naw,nuthin'likethat.See,Iwashelpin'ali'lol'ladytocrossthestreetwhenherPapaupan'knockedmeonmybuttinski'causehethoughtIwasmakin'undecentadvances.”"Gooddeedsnever'vepaidoffforme,either,"Icommiserate."WhyIcanrecallonetimewhenI—”"Hey,man,getyourshittogether!Yougonnaprongmeornot?"AndfeverishlyyoungHotspurpriesaparthisnethercheeksandwriggleshisheart-shapedValentineassasifhecan'twaittoberaped.Onwingsoflove-lustImounttheboy,slippingmyhandsbeneathhimtoplaywithhisstifftinychest-nutletsasIpiercethetautlittleanal-mouthslowly,gently,inchbyquarterinchly—thekidsighingandthrustinguphardagainstmyheavingloins.AndmyswellingglanswithapolitenodpassesbyAlan'ssleepyprostateandisjustabouttogiveaheatedkisstoMasterSigmoidFlexurewhenmyreproductiveforcesabruptlycollect,convergeandconcentrateintoasexilepticejaculationthatecastaticallycollapsesmeontomyexcitingincitingreceptacledefoutre."Didyoucomealready?!"theboycriticals,turningtomeabrowfurrowedwithfumingfret."Youdon'tthinkIdiditonpurpose,doyou?"Igroan."Toodamnoftenthishappenstome—Ihardlygetthetargetlined-upinanicepiecelikeyouwhenIshoot!”"Shit!Well,goanotherroundan'trytamakeitlastthistime.”Mygoodness,willwondersnevercease?!Asahardandfastrule,youngsterscomplainthatI'minthemtoolong—evenifit'sonly59:5seconds.EagerlyIattemptare-runbutmytraitorcockobviouslyhaseavesdroppedonourderogatorycommentsanenthimandisinasnit—sooffendedthatheabsolutelyrefusesforthenoncetodohisshareinoursexualparley-voo.TearfullyIapologeticallyexplainthistoAlanandmakeupforlostjoybygivinghimasuper-adrenalinrimjobwhichsoonhashimcaterwaulingformore,more,MORE,untilmybrown-nosedtonguehollersTimeOut!Thenclose-entwinedtheboyandIpillow-talk,Ilearningthatheboastsabaker's-dozenofyearsanduntilabout13monthsagoexceptfornocturnalemissionshewaspureasashrinkingviolet—Teacher'sPet,goingtoSundaySchool,singingintheChurchChoirandthewholedismalschmear.ButVoila!PrestoChango!OnedayhewasPacificallybathingbare-ass'neaththeCatalinamoon'sgazeandstrictlymindinghisownvirtuousbusinessbutdeep-downhopingthatafaggyblowfishinheatwouldgodownonhimwhenallofasuddenoutofaclearblueseahisvestalmale-boxisrudelyenteredandthoroughlyfuckedbyanaggressivebabyeelwhoevidentelyknewagoodthingwhenitsawit...andravishedAlandiscoveredthathewastotallygoneontheritesofrumpticulerie."Thatpoorlittleeel!"Iexclaim."Hecametoabadendforsure.”"Idoanknowifhecameornotbuthehaddaabiggrinonhispusswhenhefinallypulledoutame.”

"Ifyoulikedhiseelimosynaryministrationssomuch,whydidn'tyoutakehimhomeasapet?”"Iwasgoin'tobutabigol'codfishcamealongan'gobbledhimup.Anyway,Ilikeman-cockbetter'causeit'sbiggeran'warmeran'chinchyeelsdoanpay!"HeretheboysuggeststhatIlivewithhimforaspell'tohelpeachotherout'—bywhichhemeanshissweetselfisatmycompletedisposalinreturnformydefrayingtheridiculouslymodesthouseholdexpenses.ImmediatelyIsnapupthe'bargain'thoughquicklyIbecomeawarethatIamforkingout$50adayforAlan'sbody,bedandboard,andwhichislivingsky-highonthehogforme—yetImustadmitthatthekidisunexcelledbetweenthesheetsandcookswithatouchofgenius,feedingmeregallyonroasts,steaks,chops,cream,eggs,oystersandotherreputedlyaphrodisiacfarewhichinspiresmydicktoasspiretosuchadamantineheightsandsustainedperformanceasI'venotexperiencedsinceIwas14andlocallyknownas'EberhardtheManass'.Notonlythat,buteverynightatbedtime/funtimetheboybringsmealargecupofhotOvaltinespikedwithGeritol:"Here'syourtonic,MistuhMethusalem—drinkitdownan'we'llgototown!"Oh,thatsweetchileissocarefulofmyhealthandwellbeingbutcynicthatIamIhavenofalseillusions—littleAlanwouldneverforgivemeifIkickedoffbeforehe'sspentmyfourgrand.Thusforalmost80ArabianNightsandDaysIliveitupwithmyshiningshoe-shinebaby—butAlack!lackof$eversorelylimitsmyamourspassionellesotherecomesthedaywhenImustleavewhileI'vestillgotthebus-faretogobackwhereIcamefrom(mycannylovedoesn'tgivesexonthecuff).ThatnightafterplowingAlan'spleasure-holethreetimestoourmutualedificationandhe'steasingmymeatyplowsharetowardaforthcomingfourth-coming,Iquery:"Nimsy-boo,it'sreallynoneofmyfuckingbusinessbywhyareyousoEver-readytobescrewed?IfindithardtobelievebutyouseemtoenjoybeinghumpedmorethanIdogettingyourMock-CherryDelite!”"It'son'ynatcheral,"theboyreplies,reachingforthenewgallon-jarofRosebudRectalJelly."EversincethateelshowedmetheTrueWayIknowit'smoreblessedtoreceivethantogive.”"Thatain'tthewayIhearditandyoustillhaven'ttoldmewhy.”"Well,it'slikethis.Youeverhadabaditchinyourearthatdroveyoucrazytillyouscratcheditwithyourfinger?”"Yes,nowandthen.”"Sowhenyouscratched,whichfeltbetter—yourfingeroryourear?!”

6.BittersweetEnding—HassledorHappied?Since'brown'asaverbdidn'tenterintotheaffairitundoubtedlymust'vebeenBrownsville,TexasthatImetAmos&Andy,fraternaltwinsofnineandaquarterandIfirstencounteredAmosinaJupiterPluviussortofwayforlateonenightIhadgoneoutonthefire-escapeofmy2nd-floortenementpadtopacifywithabitofpickedherringacaterwaulingpussywhofanciedherselfenamoredofmeandIwasabouttocrawlinsidewhenIfeltwhatinCaliforniatheaboriginiesterma'heavydew'descendingandIlickedadropfrommychinquicklydetectingthatithadamuchmoreexhilarantflavorthanmererainsoIlookuptobeholdjustaboveanappalledlittlefacebeneathastraw-stackofblondlockspeeringdownatmeashewhiskshisweespoutintohispajamasandstutters,"Gee,mister,I'ms-sorry!Idintseeyoudownthere!"andhedartsthroughhiswindowbeforeIcanassurethecomelyrain-godletthatIwelcomedhissprinkingandwouldlovearepeatbutmoreintimately,likewithhisspigotbetweenmylipsforatthistimeIwasmostaridlyboyless,themini-youngbloodsofBrownsvilleseeminglyfarmoregoneonHorsesandHondasthanonDirtyOldMen,besideswhichthispresentlittlepisserarousinglyremindsmeofasass-pot10erbiggety-britchesfromWood'sHole,Mass.(evenhistendertallientranced!)whoabhorredhustler-competitionsoonhis2ndvisittomyHumpus-Roomhelikeajealouswolf-hounddecantedhispertstinger,raisedhisoff-legandsquirtedonmyproneposteriortoestablishhisexclusiveclaimonmeashisprivatefuck-propertyalone—poachersproceedatyourperil!ThenextdaywhilepreparinglunchIpondertheadvisabilityofgoingupstairs,knockingonthedoorandifanadultanswers,inquiringcanthelittlerain-makerladcomeoutandplay.ThenIreflectthatchancesaretheadultwillbesomeHunPapaorHarridanMamawhowillatonceassumeI'machild-molesteronthelooseandI'llendupinthemorgue,ifnotworse.Unvirtueiseveritsownreward—ifyoudon'tfindyourselfcock-deepinCatastrophe.GlumlyIsitdowntoeatandatthatmomentFate—oratleastitsBrownsvillebranch—takesahandandIhearabrisktappingonmyfrontportal.Icallout:"Comein!"andinbouncesasmallsweetsomethingwhosomewhatresemblesthepreviousevening'sdispenserofsalineSauternebutthisoneisbrightlyblonderandmoresmart-aleckyappealingthanshylyapologieticpluschubbyapple-cheeks,coruscantgreeneyes,squigglybunny-noseandgenerousgaminmouth—intotosexilycuteasoneofFagin'sfaroucheyoungpickpocketswhostolemen'sheartsontheside.Myvivaciousvisitorear-to-eargrinsandchirps:"Hi!I'mAndy.MybrotherAmospeedonyoulastnight!"andkiddyloudlysnickersasifinstinctivelyheknowsI'mbentintheweather-vanedirectionofboys—sobeingpisseduponisParadise,notPerdition.Helopesup,leanshiswarmlittleselfagainstmeaswet-liplyheoglesmylunch."Y'know,"hebeguilinglyhints,"there'son'yonethingIlikebetterthanshrimpsaladan'that'smoreshrimpsalad!”"Soeatingoodhealth!"Ihospitality,pushingmyplateinfrontofhimwhilehegulpsmyshrimpwithgustatorygusto,breathlesslyIgentlydigouthistastiershrimpandgetthebetterofthebargainforshortlyhisshrimpisallgonebutmineisstillpink,plump,perfectandsuddenlyorgasmicinmymouth.Burpingsalad-appreciatively,nowgraciousAndypermitsmetowhollyde-cladhimrevealingalovelyfullmoononhisflip-sideandcarryhimtobeddy-byewherewebecomeclose-knitasvas&deferens,theyoungsterconfidingthatexceptforhisbrotherwhodoesn'tcount,Iamhisveryfirstlover—andthoughMerryAndrewobviouslyisalreadylooking

forMr.RichbarwhichIain't,stillIaminordinatelyluckythatheconsidersmesufficientlysatisfactorytocuthissexualteethon.DuringtheHallelujaweeksthatfollow,delightfullyPaganAndyisaconstantcalleratallhoursofthedayandeventidebutdourlyPuritanAmos—thoughhehasn'tyetrattedonustoreportedlyBryant-brain-washedparents,remainscoldlyremoteandaloofdespitemybegginghimtojoinourDisorderlyConductforpalpablytwo(cock)headsarebetterthanoneineveryupliftingsenseoftheword.ButAmosistheAbominableNo-man(boy-type),hismoralsareinanunnaturalstatethatdon'tadmittocarnalunion—neverthelessoftenwhenAndyinmybedisgaspingwithpleasureasItonguehishotlyeagertinypucker(stilltootightlymoreofanExitthananEntrancebutI'mnotgreedy—thatHeavencanwait!),outofthecornerofmyeyeIglimpseAmoslikeathiefinthenightcrouchingonthefire-escapeoutsidemywindowashePeepingTom'swithavidgazewhilehisblurredhandagitatesvigorouslybetweenhispajama'dthighs—whateverintheworldcanhebedoing?!AndthenoneassphodelafternoonwhenI'mrecumbentontheboonofsweetAndy'sbacksideandengagedindelicateanalectory,Amosclambersthroughtheopenwindowexhibitinganacquiescentsmileontheleftsideofhisfaceandanominousscowlontheright,hislefthanddisplayinganerectandpromise-fulfore-andmiddle-fingerinaV-for-Victorysignbuthisrighthandisamenacingfistfromwhichprotrudesastiffunsocial-finger,stabbingupward—andintrebletoneswhichsoundeitherinvitingorinvidious,hesays:(DearReader,IleaveyoutosupplywhatAmossaid!)

7.Hystery-Lesson"Maxi-sweet,whyareyoucalledMaxi?”"BecauseIgotamaximumcockan'aminimumasshole.""YourBotticellibottomissure-hellminimum—youonlyletmeinitonNationalHolidays.”"Youshouldthankyerluckystarsyougitsinatall—notthatIain'tgladtodobusinesswithyouotherwise.”"Igotanotherbonetopickwithyou.You'renota12year-oldkidwithdickattached—you'reabigprickwithaboyatoneend.Imeanyour8-incherectionwiththediameterofafour-bitpieceplayshellwithmyfragileuvulaanddelicaterectumwhereyou'vedamnnearuprootedmyshriekingprostategland!”"Youtrynasoft-soapme?”"You'reallergictosoap,remember?NowifIwereaphilosopherI'dpontificatethatagoodfun-gunishardtocomebyonethat'saccessible,suckable,youthful,goodlooksful,juicefulandreasonableinprice.”"Thassme,ballsthrownin!”"Butyou'retoofrigginghorse-hungandifyouweren'tsomouth-wateringlybeautifulelsewhere,I'd'vegivenyouthebum'srushtheminutebeforeImetyou.”"Yeah,you'rerealhighonmywigglylittlebum,ain'tyou!”"Truly,babykins,yourposterioristheloveliestpieceofclassicalartI'veeverbeheldsincethePopescrewedMichelangelo.”"Yerhind-endain'ttoobad,neither.Howcomeanol'jasperlikeyouissotight—yougityerselfastitch-job,mebbe?”"No,butifIplaywifetoyoumuchlonger,myachingbuttwillbelooserthanamink'smorals."(No,Vaginia,myanalchannelhasnotbeenmistakenforthePanamaCanal!Goplaywithyournicenewdildoorsomething.)"You'rejistsayin'thattomakemefeelgoodbutI'dfeelawholeheapbetterifyou'dturnoversoIcould...Hey!Whut'sAbeLincoln'sheaddoin'onyerwall?!”"Hecamewiththisfurnishedapartment.”"Well,yougitshedofthattwo-facedbuggerrightquickoryoukinkissmegoodbye!”"Peachy-boo,Iknowyou'refromAtlantawhichdamyankeeShermanburntbutwhyareyou

pissed-offwithHonestAbe?”"Honestmyass!Whenhewasrunnin'ferPrez'dunthetoldtheNorthhe'sagainstSlaveryan'hewanna'mancipatetheblacks.Thenheflip-floplikeatwo-dollarwhorean'toldtheSouth...nowwaitaminute,lemmethink,'causeIkinrecolleckjistwhuthesaid,wordforword.”"Youmusthaveanaudiographicmemory,MasterAnanias!""Ioughta—Iwuzthereatthetime.”"Youbeensniffingglueorsickcuntsorsomething?Howcouldyoubeanywhereoverahundredyearsago?!”"Astmenoquestionsan'I'lltellyousomelies.Hey,tochangethesubjeck—Ifeelafuckcomin'up!”"Belaythat!ReturningtoLincoln,don'ttellmeyouwerethereinreversereincarnationorsomecraplikethat?”"Thassright,Iwasareink...whatyousaid.”"MotherofGod,whydoIalwaysgetsaddledwitheverycrackpotkidinNorthAmerica!OK,I'llbite—whatdidDishonestAbetellDixie?”"0l'Wart-facesaid:'Icanconceiveofnogreatercalamitythantheassimilationofthenegrointooursocialandpoliticallifeasourequal.Amulattocitizenshipwouldbetoodearapriceevenforemancipation.'Hesaidlotsworse'nthatbutIain'thankerin'tobeyerhysteryteacherless'nyoupaysmeextry.”"Maxi-poo,Ithinkyou'vebeenpullingyourpudtoomuchforyousoundnuttierthanCarter'sgoober-farm!"(H'm,inJimmy'scase,didthenuttinesspossiblyruboff?)"Ain'tabittyusetalkin'toyou'causeyou'rejustarumdumNortherneryerself!”"Well,whateverLincoln'ssins,thepoorguygotassassinatedintheendortheback.”"Hedintneitherget'sassinated!Whutreelyhappened,see,ismean'Abean'Stanton,theSeckertaryo'War,wuzintheWhiteHousecrapperan'Abewassittin'therereadin'aletterfrumthishereJohnWilkesBooth.Abegitsupforgettin'towipehisselfandsays:'Mr.Boothwritestorequesttheloanofapistolingoodworking-ordersohecanjointhefighttopreserveourgloriousUnion.Mostpraiseworthy!Stanton,sendthisheroicpatriotthebestfirearmyourArsenalcontains.'RightawayIupsan'says:'Abe,youol'fool,don'tsendhimnogun'causeIknowsallthemBoothboyspussonallyan'notonlyistheylousyactorsbutnareoneof'emkinhitabullintheasswithashovel!'ButAbehe'ssomule-haidedhewon'tlissentoreason."Goodheavens!ThenLincolnactuallyprovidedtheverygunthatkilledhim.”

"Thassanotherdamnlie!IwasthereinFord'sTheaternightan'withmyveryowneyesIseenAbethatshootJohnWilkesBoothforbadactin'.”"ThenwhoshotLincoln?”"Gen'rulGrantdid'causeAbecutoffhiswhiskey.Nowshutyerbigyapan'KYyerselfgood'causethistimewhenIfucksyouIwannaseecanIgetmyballsin,too!”

8.MommieDearestBoy-loveistheJokerinthestackeddeckofSexbutit'sthecleanestgameintown(LasVaguess,Nev.)andtheonlyoneworthplaying—thoughiftheoddsareagainstyouyou'reapttobepunishedmoredirelythananinexpertaxe-murderer.Beingsorelystrappedatthemoment,IwasinLasV.enjoyingamoderatesuccesshypnotizinghospitableslot-machinesintojackpottingonleaddollarsbutMandoesnotlivebyBreadaloneandpresentlyIbegantosquirmwithanitchylackinmypsychosexualdepartment—nojuniorball-bearings!Andthen—trulyLoveisBlind!—tardilyIespyahopefulcorruptcherubofperhaps12,aFallenAngelstillburningbrightwhoresidesjustacrossthestreetfrommyDeficiencyApartmentandwhoisjustaboutthecutestlittleNaturalUnlawfultodropintomylifesinceGravitybefellNewton'sapple.ThatfirsttimeIglimpsednicknamedSparkeyhewasbarefooted,nudeabovethebeltandenhancingsnugbluejeansontheseatofwhichwasacolorfuldecalproudlyproclaiming:`Kilroywashere!'andlusciouslyoutliningahigh-profilecompactifnotintactlittleass—andsinceheemphaticallypossessedthatlaid-back'look(actualorpotential),andsinceheappearedtobethesortofwildlittlechickenIprefer(theirmeatisfarsweeterthansometameFrankPurduecockerelcapon),Imademypitch—high,wideandhandsomebutalittletotheleft.EvidentlynotingthemarkofCainonmybrow(unashamedlyIadmitthatIeatweebabieswhilethey'restillintheseed-stage,savorilyfreshlysucculentfromtheirnewly-pubescentstud-sires),SparkyrespondswithcautiousardencyandoncloserobservationIseethathehascurlilocksdarkaswitchingmidnight,wantoneboneyes,evileavesdroppingears,wickedblood-hound-puppynoseandimpishlipssurelySatanicintacitillicitinvitation—inbrief,he'saswet-dreamilysexyasanemancipatedBoyScoutstuffedwithoysters,SteakTartareandSpanishFly.Alas!neverjudgeakidbyhiscoverasIsoonlearnthatSparkyisnotwhatheseemsbutwouldverymuchliketobeforhispoorhen-peckedDaddyearlydiedofwedlockandhismilitantWomen'sLibMommyisa6-foot-plusrepressivedespoticfemale-wrestlerAmazonwhobythethreatofherheavyhardhandimposesan8PMcurfewonherhelplessoffspring,makeshimpreparehisownmealsandwashthedishesandmopthefloorsandcarryoutthegarbagestenchilyredolentofhertwice-monthlybloodyKotexbesideswhichdemandingthatheaddressheras'MommieDearest'—soofcourselong-sufferingSparkyisseethingwithflamingrebellion(thusdochauvinisticmothersdrivetheircomelyyoungsonsintothelad-lovingarmsofthelikesofme!)andhetugsmebythearmintothehouseandintohisroomtohisricketyArmycotwithabarelyinch-thickmattresswhereanonIelatedlydiscoverthathispenislactateswithBordenabandonandhisanusmirabilisistheready,willing,eagerassoulofgenerosityforSparkyisahotlittleitemonfiretolosehisvirginityashecravestobepenetratedandmouthfullymilkedatthesametimetomakeupatlonglastforlosttimeandnowistheperfectdeflorativemomentwhilehisuspeakableMommyisattendinganERAconspiracyandwon'tbehomeforhoursandhours."Well,Idon'tknow,"Imutternervously."WhatwouldyourMommadoifshecaughtyouwithamaninyourbed?”"Ooh,don'task!"theboysqueaks,paling."ButshewrasslesunderthenameofJackiethe

Ripper.”NowI'vealwaysbeenJohnnyontheSpottobolsteradefencelesslittlemale'sfalteringego-identitybuthereIfeeltheurgentnecessityofamoreadequatesecurity-blanketforthesituationseemsalltoofraughtwithimminentperil—yetmyboy-yenissooverpoweringitparalyzesmysenseofdiscretion,evenseepingfromthemouthofmyriotouslydemandingpricksoinatricemyprettyco-vivant'skneesaresockedintomyarmpitsandbydintofnotuntwingefulacrobaticcontortions(myoldbonescreaking,cracking,cryingout)Iamfinallyabletogetthekid'sglansintomymouthandmyglansintohisrectumandI'minaHeavenofEdenicblisswhensuddenlythebedroom-doorburstsopen(lockandall)andourheadsswingaround,ourlust-glazedgazeappalledlyfixedonSparky'smaternalparentloomingonthethresholdandunmistakablyshe'sofathwartdisnaturedtemperamentbadlyinneedofdistempershotsandmycravenfeetwantforthwithtofleeLasV.andNevadaandtheentireUnitedStates,whichlastisamisnomerforifyou'reapprehendedunitingwithayoungboy,whatinevitablyensuesisadistinctStateofDisaster.Mysweetpartnerquiversandquakes,shiversandshakesandI,closingmyeyesandshudderingineverylimbbutabsentmindedlyorfromhorrendousshockstillhungrilysuckingonSparky'sdick,awaitInstantAnnihilationinamannernottobedweltupon.ThenIhearMommieDearestcough,clearherthroatandsaytoherson:"Goonwithyourfunandgames,darling—Iwasafraidyouhadagirlinhere!”

9.Kiddie-PornLaidBareDuke:Niceplaceyougothere,Glyn.Glyn:It'saslummydumpcomparedtotheWhiteHouse.Duke:Ah,yes.AsJimmyCartersaid,it'sunfortunatethatsomepeoplearerichandtherestofusarepoorthoughitwasadamninsultforanuttymillionairetoremindus.Ihearthegovernmentisinabigtizzynowovertheenergy-crisis.Glyn:Shit,thempoliticianshasallgottherebrainsintheirass.Icouldsolvetheenergycrisispracticklyinmysleep!Duke:How?Glyn:I'dattachasmallgeneratortothejawsofeverybroadinthelandandinnotimeatallyou'dhavemoreenergythanyoucouldshakeyourprickat.Duke:Icanseeyou'reabrightladandit'saprivilegetomeetupwithyou.Uh,Itrustyourparentsaren'thome?Glyn:Myparents'redrop-outs—ain'tseen'eminyearsanddon'twantto.IliveherewithmygrandpabuthewasheadboyinaBeirutpeg-housewhenhewasmyagesoheknowsthescoreonForbiddenPleasures.Duke:Whatisyourage,bytheway?Youlookaboutten.Glyn:Thankseverso,Dukey,butI'mlikebreathin'downtheneckofmy12thbirthday.Duke:God,I'dgivetherestofmylifejusttobetwelveagain!Glyn:Ifyou'reyounginyourmindyoucanfaketherestofiteasy.Hey,doIgetpaidforthisinterview?Duke:Well,I'mhopingtosellittotheAnitaBryantHourandtotheGayActivists'LeagueinwhichcaseI'llsharethelootwithyou50-50,OK?Glyn:Great!Justbesureyougetmynamespelledright.It'sRogerBrown—andnocracks,please!Duke:That'saperfectnameforafeistyyoungboy—ifyouliveuptoit.However,IwanttomakeitNixon-clearthatI'mneitheranAnita-itenorGay.Glyn:Whatareyou,then—avegetarian?Duke:I'maboyist—hook,lineandsinker.

Glyn:Slappaws,man—you'reforme!Duke:Igotmuggedinanalleyonce.Now,Glyn,Iunderstandyou'vebeenstarringinkiddie-pornflickssinceyouwereeight—isthatcorrect?Glyn:Yeah,IgotstartedkindalatebutIcanrememberthefirstflickIevermade.ItwascalledSusieandHerBrother—featurin'meandthisten-year-oldcuntwhocouldn'tactworthbeansthoughGodknowsshetried.Duke:Weren'tyouabitnervousorevenfrightenedduringyourdebutinArtisticCinema?Glyn:Naw!Truthis,Iwaspissed-off'causenomatterwhatSusiedidtome—evensloppin'herbigol'tonguearoundmymanhole—Ijustcouldn'tgetarail-on.Duke:Mygoodness,underthecircumstancesthatwasatragedy,wasn'tit?Glyn:Yeah,but,see,uptothenI'donlybeengoofin'offwithboyssoIdidn'tfeelnatcheralwithagirlandIkeptthinkin':Whatthehellhappenedtohercockandballs?!Youknow,girlscan'tmakefuck-filmsbythemselvesless'ntheyusedildosorvibratorsorcraplikethat.Duke:Ergo,themaleissuperior.HowdidSusiereacttoyour...uh,incapacity?Glyn:Theslutbad-mouth'dme—saidIshouldgobacktosuckin'myMomma'stitty.Goddamslit-tailsneverneedtoworryaboutgettin'abone-on'causealltheyhaftadoislaythereandgetthepleasureofit.That'sunfairanditmakesmesomadsometimesthatIcouldsueGod!Duke:Asafellow-cockalorum,Glyn,ItoowellknowhowyoufeelbutIhopeyouwerepolitetolittleSusieanddisregardedherdown-puttingremarks.Glyn:Hell,Iwasjustabouttoslugheronewhenthefotogshowedmeacolor-picoftwoboysscrewin'andBLOOMP!mydickpoppeduplikeaJack-in-the-BoxDuke:Didyouenjoyyourfirstintercoursewithafemale?Glyn:Naw—themouthofamilk-bottlewouldabeentighter.IwantedtocornholeSusieboy-fashionbutthatwasn'tinthescript.Duke:Haveyourappearedinanyothermovieswithgirls?Glyn:JustoneaboutayearlaterandwithtwotwatswhoworkedonmefrontandbacksoIgotstiffprettyquick.Thisonecow,Maggie,'couldblowyouandchewgumatthesametime—leftmypetersmellin'ofJuicyFruitforaweek!Duke:Whatdidyoudotothem?

Glyn:JustlaidonmybackwhileMaggiesatonmythighsandhumpedherselfonmywhangandtheotherbroadsatonmychest,beggin'metoeatherpussybutIbedamnifI'mgonnaeatcat-foodless'nI'matigerandanyway,shestankdowntherelikelastyear'smackereleventhoughshehadn'tfellofftheroofyetsoIscrewedherwithfourfingersandrubbedherclitwithmythumb.Glyn:I'mjustahickfarm-boyfromIowaysoyou'llhavetotellmewhatyoumeanby:'shehadn'tfellofftheroofyet'.Glyn:Itmeansshehadn'tstartedgoin'steadywithKotexyet.WhenIgotthroughfinger-fuckin'Maggie'ssidekickshetoldmethebestscrewin'sheevergotinherwholelifewasfromapetrifiedTampax.Mademefeellikechangefromapennybutitwasfunnyatthetime.Whatwithonethingoranother,though,I'veboycottedgirlseversince'causethey'realwaysmuggingatthecameraortrynastealscenesbystickin'outtheirtonguesandcuttin'-upingeneral.Cuntjustain'tonmywave-length,period.RemindsmeofakidIknewnamedOswaldwholovedhair-pieuntilonedaywhenhewastongue-fuckin'herpee-hole'causethatwasthetightestthingabouther,sheupandpissedalloverhisfaceandintohismouth—andfromthatdayonOswald'sgothalitosissobadyoucan'tgetwithin20feetofhimless'nyouwearagas-mask.Wouldn'tsurprisemetheleastbitifOswaldgrewuptokillhimselfaU.S.Presidentorsomething.Duke:Howdidasweetboylikeyouevergetintothesefilthysmut-pix?Glyn:Hey,it'scleansmut'causeallusboystakeashowerbeforehand.Igotintomoom-picturesthroughmygrandpawhoknewthisfotogandsinceI'msogoodlookin'Iwasastarrightoffthebat.Duke:I'vealwayswantedtophotographyummyyoungstersandI'veownedacouplegoodcamerasbuteverytimeIbeholdallthatbeauteousbare-assboy-meatthroughtheviewer,myhandsshakesomuchwithdesirethatthepixcomesoutblurred.Glyn:Youshouldputyourcameraonatripod,jerkyDukey.Duke:ItriedthatbutthetripodshookevenworsethanIdid!Glyn:IgotcopiesofeverymasterpieceIwaseverinandsoonI'mgonnagetmeasound-projectorsowhenIgetoldanduglylikeyou,IcanlookatmyselfwhenIwasyoungandbeautifulandallsystemswereGO!Duke:Irealizethatobscenityissolelyinthemindofthebeholderbutdon'tyoufeelabitashamedofallyour8mmindecentexposuresmadeavailableforeveryheteroslobtoslobberover?Glyn:Hell,it'saSeller'sMarketandMoneyforJam!See,I'mpaid$200foreachflickplus3%oftheNetwhichstillain'tahelluvalot'causefriggin'pirates'realwayscopyin'mypixand

sellin"emafewbuckscheaper.Duke:Yoursuperbepicsshouldbecopyrighted.Glyn:Yeah—andNiagaraFallsshouldstandonitshead!ButIdogetfringe-benefits'causethefotogisalsomyScoutmastersomysexybodandmyAcademyAwardactin'hasgotmeMeritBadgesinNatureStudiesintheRawandCinematicClassics—itallhelps.Duke:IsyourScoutmasteraboy-lover,Godforbid?!Glyn:Naw,hecan'tevenmakelovetohisfist'causehelosthisFam'lyJewelstoasniperinKoreasonowthepoorguy'sgottasquattopee.Duke:Inthefewskin-flicksI'vebeenprivilegedtoview,Iparticularlynotedthattheladsinvolvedallseemedtobehavingarip-snortinggoodtime.Isthatthecasewithyou?Glyn:Sure!There'snuthin'likefutzin'aroundbare-assinfrontofacameratobringoutthebestinyou—speciallyifyourfuck-mateisalmostasbeautifulasIam.Rightnowmyfav'rutpartnerismybuddyAlexandhe'ssuchprimestuffthatImadehimmyunderstudy.Duke:Twinkle,Twinkle,LitteStar!Alec'syourlay-brother,nodoubt.Glyn:Helaysgrandbuthesucksbetter!Hecanevengiveheadtohimself!Duke:AnnSlanders,thenewspaper-person,statesthatkiddie-pornissheerchild-abuse.What'syourreactionhere?Glyn:Dukey,youarelookin'attheoriginalBatteredChildandyouwouldn'tbelievehowusboysisbeenabused!Likenomatterhowperfectandprofessionalmyactin'is,Idon'tnevergetstar-billingonthesilverscreen!Shit,thereain'tnobillingatall—justthetitleandthenWhomp!rightintotheaction!Duke:IfeelforyouthoughIdon'tthinkthat'squitewhatAnniehadinmindbut-Glyn:Anotherthing!Ioughtagetamillion-plusperpiclikethatassholeMarlonBrandywho'ssodeepintoIndiansthathethinkshe'saBigChief!Duke:Nevermind,Glyn-baby—yourhistrionicgeniuswillberecognizedlongafteryourcompetitionisforgotten.Glyn:Yeah,like50yearsafterIturnupmytoes!ArealbiggripeIgotisthatallmyfilmswereshotinsomestinkin'flea-baghotelintheBowerywherethemattressisconcrete,thepillows'resacksofcement,thesheetsstinkofoldrutandcorruptionandit'seitherthehottestdayinAugustwhereyousweatyourassoffunderthespotlightsorit'sthecoldestdayinJanuarywithnosteam-heatsoyournutsfreezeupandyourdickislikeanicicleevenwhenit'supyourbuddy'shot-boxandthechinchyfotogisonaneconomy-kickandgivesyouaxle-greaseforlubercuntwhichain'tmy

concepshunofdignifiedhumpin'!AndIgotlotsaideasforsexcitin'newclose-upsandzoomshotsbuttheloopyfotogsaysthey'repervertedandnotfitforfam'ly-typeviewing.Duke:YourScoutmaster-fotogdoessoundabitbelfry-battedbutnodoubthemeanswell.Glyn:He'smeanashelliswhatheis—acrazymadlunaticalwayshollerin'atusstarletslikeso:'Eddy,whyaren'tyoustiff—youbeenplayin'pocket-poolagain?'and`Glyn,skinyourprepooseallthewaybacksoyourglans-fanscangetthefulleffect!'and'Freddy,showmoretongueasyoulickRonnie!'and'Glyn,spreadyourlegsmore—yourpecker'soutasight!'and`Neddy,quitgigglingwhenGlynlicksyouthere—Iknowitticklesbutyou'reblippingthesound-track!'and"Glyn,don'thangyourwhangoverthesideofthebed—it'soutofcamera-range!'and'Teddy,IknowHomerbitesbutyougottaexpecktosufferalittleforyourArt!'and'Glyn,don'twastetimeonAlec'stits—getdowntothemeatofthematter!'and'Alec,kneelwithyourassfacingthecameraandkeepyourthighsapartsoyourhangdownshows!'and'Glyn,goeasyontheaxle-grease—thepricehasgoneup!'and`Larry,you'lljusthaftawaittotakeacrapuntilthisscene'sover!'and'Glyn,IwantaprofileshotofyourcockpenetratingAlecinslow-motion!'and'Isador,stopweepingandwailing—it'snotmyfaultsomebodystoleyourforeskin!'and'Glyn,pulloutofAlecnowandfinishoffwithyourhand—thepayingcustomerslovetoseeallthatsweetboy-seedgushin'out!'and`Glyn,don'tdriponthesheetsorI'llhaftapayextraforlaundry!'and"Glyn,I'llhaftare-takeyourfuck-scene'causeIforgottouncapthecamera-lens!'...Dukey,IcouldgoonandonbutI'malreadysopissed-offIcouldthrowupmybreakfuss.Duke:Youladsdohaveahardtime,don'tyou?Butyou'reluckytobemakingchicken-flicksatallasthestupidreformersareonthewarpath—theythinkchildrenaretooyoungtoscrewaround.It'stheolddouble-standard—adultscanhumpbutkiddiescan't!Glyn:Hell,alltheboysIknow'vebeensuck-fuckin'itupwitheachothersincebeforetheygottheirsecondteethbutweallgottadoitontheslyandthatain'tfair!ThereoughtabeaPornoUnionoraLawprotectingkids'sex-rightsandkidsshouldwritetheLaw'causenowadaystheyknowlotsmoreaboutitthansomehung-upgrown-up.Duke:IwholeheartedlyconcurforI 'vealwaysmaintainedthatit'snotsomuchamatterofkiddie-pornasitisofpornographickiddies—Godblessthemall!Unfortunately,thepuritanEstablishmentisouttobustusforjusttheotherdayIreadwheresomecreepoJudgedecreedthatactinginsmut-flicksisspiritualmurderofaboy!Glyn:Thatcunt-head'snuts!Besides,spiritualmurderiswhenyoukillafifthofbooze,ain'tit?Duke:Glynny-boo,youshouldbeontheSupremeCourtyou'dkickthatblindGoddessofInjusticeoutandreplaceherwithaclear-eyedyoungboywhoknowstheTrueNitfromtheGrit!Glyn:GoodBuddy,itain'tanideawhosetimehascomeyetbutI'malwaysopentooffers.

Duke:Speakingofwhich,slapmedownifI'mtoofreshbutIswearyou'rethesweetestpieceofkid-meattocomedownthePikesinceGanymedeelopedwiththeEagle,sowhatsaywenowadjourntoyouryouth-bedwhereI'llbehonoredtoelateyourprettyprivaciescomingandgoing.Glyn:Dukey-poo,I'mpantin'topoundtheInnerspringwithyoubutIpurelygottasavemyselfformynextproductiontomorrowmorning.It'sgonnabeanXXX-ratedSextravaganza—noadultsadmittedunlessaccompaniedbyaminor!Duke:Butcouldn'tyouworkmeinsomewheretomorrownight?I'mhighlyqualifiedtogiveyoublissbeyondthedreamsofecstasyforIhaveaB.A.inBoyologyandI'mpartialtopuerpartsunlimitedandIgottake-outteethsoIcanmoney-backguaranteeabitelessblowand-Glyn:Hey,I'lltellyouwhat!Inevermadeafuck-filmwithamanbeforesoifyouthinkyou'reuptoit,how'dyouliketobemypartnerinmynextnextsuper-colossal,four-dimensionNudicolorspectacularwithacastofthousands...ofspermatozoa!

10.PunktuationTwelverRupertisMemoryandDesireaswellasasweetjoyandenhancerofmyspiritbutheisalsoasourtormentanddisturberofmypecuniarypeacewhichismyownfaultforonfirstmeetingIluredhimbyboastingthatIhadanInatFortKnoxwhereasthedismaltruthisI'moninsufficientUnemploymentbutgold-diggingRupertalbeitthathegetsanallowanceof$25perweekfromhisstupidboorjwahparentsstillpersistsinextorting$5frompovertiedmeeverytimeheenthusiasticallydeignstoreposeonmysqueakyinnerspringashe'sripelygreedyforexoticeroticpleasuresthoughheneverpermitsmetokisshislactoselipsorblowhimandmyhumblepenisisfartooplebiantopresumetopenetratetheposhprecinctsofhispatricianposteriorwhichofcourseanyself-respectingkiddy-loverwoulddismissivelyresentbutunfortunatelyRupertistheonlymini-maleavailabaleinthisboondocktimeandplaceandheownsamultitudeofphysicalcharmsincludingacockandanasswhoverilycouldprecipitatethecelibatePopequestion-markoutoftheVaticanandintotheboy-fleshpotsofTrastevereifnotTaorminasouncomplaininglyIsublimelysufferuntiloneJuneafternoonwhileIamtenderlyre-clothinghimbesidetheopenwindowofmysecond-floorslumroom-and-bath-down-the-hallheblandlyannouncesthatduetoinflationandtheenergy-crisisheregretfullywillhavetochargeme$7persex-sessionhereafterwhichistheultimatecamelthatbreaksthestraw'sbackandirefullyIreplythatsincehe'sfinanciallyaHavewhereasinthisareaI'mmostwoefullyaHave-notthenitseemstomeonlyequitablethatheshouldpaymeforsexualservicesdotinglybutunilaterallyrenderedwhereuponoffendedRupertdeliversasuddenuppercuttomyglassjawwhichissoforcefulthatitcatapultsmeoutofthewindowandontoapairofraucouslycopulatingfelinestherebyscaringthepoorjust-about-to-cometomcatoutof8ofhis9livesandintopermanentimpotencemuchdisgustinghisWomen'sLibpussy-partnerperiodendofsentenceandRupert'sessayfortoomuchisquiteenoughevenforboy-famishedmethankyou.

11.BadVibes

Gary,Gary,quitecontrary,Howdoesyourgardengrow?

"Well,thewatermillyunsisripetofuckButrabbitsdoneeatallthefriggin'carrots.”

Manyoutstandinglygropablegaminsareardent,ingeniousinnovatorsintheendlesswaystohumpandbehumped.GaryisaparamountexampleofthebreedwhohasenthusiasticallyscrewedeverythingfromYoursDroolytotightly-rolledmagazines(preferablyTheOpenRoadforBoys)orrisingbread-doughifMommybakesathome.HefavorsmeasadepositoryforhisprecociousyoungseedasInotonlyaffordhimtheexcitantvariationofmygreedymouth,plusgratefullygulpinghisSpringWineaswellastonguinghistinytouch-hole,butIalsosumptuouslypayinauthenticcoinoftherealm—andtheboyknowsfromruefulexperiencethatit'sfuckingnearimpossibletoextractfivebucksfromaperiodicaloraloafofpumpernickel,eventhoughhalf-bakedorburntonthebottom.Gary'sversitilelittle-bigstrudelpeter(neverpre-shrunk)iscertainlynottobesniffedatbutIsniffevenmoreyerninglyafterhiscinnamon-bunswithplumpperforatedraisinbetweenwhichallspicedlyscenttheairasthoughhot-freshfromtheoven—posteriorpastryperfectiontocrumb-bunsofmypersuasion.Alas,thelad'sassisnotForSalenorevenForRent—atleastnottome—forittranspiresthatlastyearwhenhewas11andanallyvirginasanew-bornsnowflake,hemetaplausibleaulo-corsaircalled'CarrotPete'wholuredthetrustingtothomewithacounterfeit$20andbeingalazybastardwhofearedgettinghisdilativesocial-fingernight-soiled,Peteforthwithunfeelinglybegantoopenupourpre-teenherowiththevegetablewhichwashisnamesake.Garystoicallyabsorbedabout8inchesoftheinanimateinvaderwhensuddenlyprobablyduetoundueemotionalstress—thecarrotbrokeintwo,leavingitsbetter-halfwayupthereintheyoungster'smostprivatepurlieuandittookthepoorladtwodaysand26hourstoevacuatethefracturedlodgerwho,kickingandscreaming,obviouslythoughthehadfoundahappyhome.Despitethissordiddebutintotheranksofthenewly-ravished,Garythrillinglydiscoveredhelikedtobescrewedbutnotbycarrotswhichweretooknobbilyunpredictable;furthermore,hewasunfondofbeingpenetratedbyafoodstuffhewasmostpartialto,forinanabsent-mindedmomenthemightgnawonoreventotallyconsumethatwhichhadjustbrownedhim.Hedidn'ttaketoCarrotPete'ssubsequentlymountinghimeither,forthatsorrysumbitch(abisexualbytradeandself-interest,Iunderstand)wasstallion-hungandcruellydeep-dickedthekidlikeasex-madbullwhohasknownneithercownorheifersincethedayhewasborn.Garynaturallywasbothpainedandunderwhelmed,awardingnoEforEgregiousEffort—buthisassstillitchedforgraciousfulfillment.Intheweeksthatensued,ourmasochisticpetit-monsieur,subteenwould-beMarquisdeSad,experimentedwithavarietyofingressors,humanorotherwise—buthastilyheorhisrectumrejectedthemout-of-hand.Garygotpantinglypiercedbyacouplelance-bearershisownagebutquicklylearnedtohisdismaythatboysfuckandtell!Hetriedlongslendercucumbers—too

wartyandthegreenrubbedoff;tubularuncappedplasticbottles—toomuchvacuumresulted,likeafartinreverse;unripebananas—buttheyfragmentedunderpressure;numeroustypesofrubberhoses—buttheylosttheirrigidityinextremesofsexualexcitement;dildos—buttheydidn'tcomeinjunior-sizeandirritatedhissensitivesigmoidflexure;candleswithorwithoutwick—buttheyrapidlymeltedinthetorridanalheatorwerepronetobendinthemiddle;hisownorhislovers'fingers—buttheywereneverlongenoughandunclippednailswereahazard.Asyouwouldexpect,deniedGaryandhisfrustratedfuck-holeareattheirwits'enduntilonedayinashamelessshop-windowtheboyespiesprominentlydisplayedaglans-pinkpecker-likevibratorhummingeroticallytoitselfthatimmediatelyprecipitateshisfamishedfun-fissureintotransportsofecstasy:"Ilikeit!Ilikeit!"soineluctablyourfledgingDonJuanentersthestoreandbymeansofsupernaturalsleight-of-handcleverlymanagestoswipetheobjectofhisanus'daffection.NowGarydwellsconvenientlynearmyabodeandsincehehasjustturned12andwhathesitsonismorethaneverthelovelyanswertoadepriveddegenerate'sdreamfulprayer,Ipassionatelyrenewmybutt-smittenblandishmentsinhopesofintroducingmyselfintothatpedicativepuer-parlorwherepresentlyonlythevibrator—whichorwhomtheladhasdotinglychristened'Victor'—ispermittedtoenter.SolastnightIcalledontheboy,hisparentsbeingawayatsomePTAorgyorthelike,andafterpleasuringhiminthelimitedmannerheallows,hepercheshisanthemicbottomontwopillows,drawsuphiswidespreadkneesandgrinningtauntinglyatme,proceedstoshovenoisyturned-onVictorslowlyuphisquiveringParadiseLaneandsocopulateswiththedevilishdevicethatsoonheismoaningandwrithinginthethrowsofanalorgasm.Abum-rapifIeversawone!Aftertoolongaperiodoftormentforvoyeurme,GaryreluctantlywithdrawsviciousVictortheViolatorsticky-glisteningwiththeboy'srectaljuices,shutshimoffandhandshimtomeasasublimatorysopandwhichIgratefullyacceptforlackofanythingbetter.ButnowI'movercomeanewwiththeimpellingurgetomountthesaddleofthispiquantlittlePonyBoyandrideoffintothesettingson,soswallowingmyownhave-notsobsIblubberthatwhilemylowlypenismaynotbealtogetheraGreenThumbintheGardenofLad-Love,stillithasamovableforeskinwhichwilltinglytittilatehisprostategland,willhotlyemittherapeuticlove-milkbesideswhichIfuckgentleasafleahumpinganoverweightelephant."HowIknowyoufucksgentle?"queriesGary,squinchingadoubtingeyeatme."YoucanaskyoungGogoComecomeSnoodywholivesjustupthedirtroad.”"Him!"theboysnorts."HedoanknowhisassfromtheHollandTunnel!”"Well,inquireofsomeofthelushloveliesdownattheNewYorkBoys'Club—they'llbegladtoattesttomypenetrativeprowess.Furthermore,inthefinalanalysisVictorisjustacoldplasticprickandmywarmcockcouldbehisfraternaltwinforthey'reboththesamesizeandshapeandthicknessandslicknessandquicknessand—”"That'sallfine'ndandy,"interruptsGary,"butyoudonemissedthemainpoint.”"Andwhat'sthat,forpity'ssake?”

"YourcockdoanBUZZ!"

12.Paper-Boy"Hello,Billy!Collection-dayagain,huh?Comeinandsitdown—thecouchisthesoftest.NowhowmuchdoIoweyou?""Same'sbefore—abucktwo-bitsfortheweek.”"Hereyouare,plusatipforyourself.Bytheway,doyoustillhavethetipyouwerebornwith?”"Ooh,don'task—that'sapainfulsubject.”"Sorry.Canyoustayawhile?I'dliketo...uh,talktoyou.""Sure—you'rethelastcustomeronmyroute,anyway.""Fine.My,isn'tthisascorcherofaday?HowaboutanicecoldCokeorsomething?”"Thanks,butamanjustgavemetwocansofice-cold7-Up.”"Hedid,didhe?Humph,theysaycompetitionisthelifeofroughtradebutyouwanttowatchguyslikethat—they'reliabletosneakuponyou.”"Thisoldmanis96andcan'tevengetoutofhiswheel-chair.”"Myboy,you'dbeabsolutelyflabbergastedatwhatsomeoldfartscandoinawheel-chair.Er,wouldn'tyouliketoshedyourtank-top,bemorecomfy?”"I'mOK.What'dyouwantatalktomeabout?”"Aboutyou,ofcourse—likehowoldareyou?”"I'mtwelveandonemonth.Howold'reyou?”"Billy-boy,believeitornotbutI'mworkingonmythirdchildhoodthisveryweek!NowItrustyouwon'tbeoffendedattheratherpersonalquestionI'mgoingtoaskbutI'vegotahugebumpofcuriosityaboutcertainvitalstatistics.”"Curiositykilledthecat.”"Onlypussy-cats—females,thatis.”"Sowhatdidjawantaaskme?”"Well,sinceyou'realmostateenerIsupposeyouhavelotsofwet-dreams?”"JusttwonightsagoIhadonewhentherewasthatbigrainstorm—theroofovermybedleakedandIdamnneardrownedbeforeIwokeup.”"That'sterriblebutitwasn'texactlywhatIwasfishingfor.Tellme,charmingBilly,haveyoueverhadanicebigsteel-harderection?”

"Man,Igottadozenof'emImadeallbymyselffromaMeccanoSetandthreeNumberTwoErectorSets.”"H'm,youdon'tgetthepointheresoperhapsIshouldexpressmysentimentsmorerawly.Billy-boo,haveyoueverplayedwithyourself?”"Sure!Idoitev'rytimeI'malone.”"Delightful!Buthowdoyoudoit?CouldbeyouknowawayIdon't.”"Well,Isetupthechecker-boardonthekitchen-table,see,andImoveablackpieceandthenIrunaroundthetableandmovearedpieceandthenIrunaroundthetableand—”"Stop,you'remakingmedizzy!Inmoreovertplain-speaking,dearboy,willyouletmegetintoyourpants?”"Oh,MistuhD,they'dbewaytoosmallforyousoyou'dprob'lyripthemalltohell!”"Mygoodness,we'restillconversingcross-purposes!OK,OK,ImaybeoutragingyourpossiblyvirginalinnocencebutI'mgoingtocastdiscretiontothewindsandgetrightdowntothemeatofthematter.Mybeautifulone,willyoubesokindlyastopermitmetoblowyoursweetcock?"(Ifthiskiddy-pooisdodgingtheissuethenhe'sdamnedcleveratit!)"MistuhD,Ibeendyin'tobesucked-offsinceIdroppedoutofKindergartenbutyounocando—it'stoofuckin'late.”"Toolate?!Damnit,has0l'96inhissneakywheel-chairalreadydrunkallyourdew?”"Youdon'tunderstand...Ibeencircumcised,see?”"That'snonevermind—skinisnicebutnotnecessary.""Youstilldon'tdig.See,thebitchwhocutmewasacuntsawbonesandnewonthejob.”"Oh?Shemaybewasn'ttoofamiliarwithmaleanatomyandbymistakeslicedatinybitoffyourballs,maybe?”"No!Thechauvinistpigcutmywholeentirecockoffandnevereventouchedtheforeskin!”

13.ThanksfortheBuggery-Ride

Eeny,meeny,miny,moeCatchaMousiebythetoe;Ifhehollerslethimgo–

Andgrabhiminabetterplace!

AtatimeandinaplacedeepintheheartofSweetGeorgieBrown,Iwasbriefly,nauseouslyemployedintheSanitary-NapkinSectionofthelocalEmporium—ItriedtogetintoBoys'Underwearbutamilitantlesbianinafright-wigpreemptedthatParadise.Myboss'ssoleSonandHair—a19erfatsointellectual(he'sreadabook)namedChuliusandsountoothsomeIwouldn't'vebelliedhisbackevenwhenhewas8quicklyleech'dontomeundertheimpressionthatsinceIcamefromHell-HoleontheHudson,Ithereforeamonspeaking-termswithall57VarietiesofSweetSin(pickle'dornot)plusotherdelightfuldepravitiesthatmyhorrifiedtongueshrinksfromgivingmouthto.Irefrainfrominformingtheyouththatboywise,atleast,NewYorkCityhasbecomemoredullyproperthanChastityBelt,NorthDakotafortheonlysexykidIlatelysawonTimesSquasrewasababy-goatstrayedfromaGreekweddingattendedbyTellySavalaswhopossiblywasplasteredashistrademarklollipopwasstuckuphisass.Afterseveralfalsestarts,Chuliusguiltilybad-breathsthatinasmuchashe'sadevoutvegetarianhe'sneversomuchasbeathismeatnorevenfuckedawet-dream—withtheinevitableresultthathissulkingfouling-piecehasturneddownrighthostileandhasbecomeavirtualLimbofthePetrifiedForest,sowhattheybothurgentlyneedisastandardprossy-typechassiswithpreferablysuchoptionalequipmentastwoclitsorthreetitsoranintercoursablepisshole.Istareathiminamazeddisgustandexclaim:"Why,Chulius,youburr-head,therearescadsofitchy-pantsiesallovertownwho'rejustdyingforaramrodlikeyourssoallyouhavetodoiscrookafingeratoneandyell:`Here,pussy!Come,pussy!'andyougotitmadeandlaidintheshade.”"Butthemisgoodgirls!"theyoungmangroans."Probablytheyare,"Idisdainful,"ifyougoinforthatsortofthing.”"WhatImeanisthey'resurewillingbuttheyallgotdaddiesorbigbrotherswithbiggershotgunsandIain'tgotnolife-insurance!Youknowhowitisinthesouth."(Iknowhowitis—when'sthenextplaneout?)"SowhatIgottahave,"Chuliusslobbers,"isalate-modelfree-wheelingreclining-seathoorwithnobrakesandsecondhandisOKifsheain'trunuptoomuchmileage.Wouldyouhappentoknowofsuchlikehereabouts?See,myheelofapappykeepsmynosetothegrindstonesomuchinhisdangedEmporiumthatIdon'thavetimetolookroundtowardskickingupmyheels.”Movedbytheyouth'ssorepredickament,Isay:"AccordingtotheGamahucheGrapevinethereisacertainMaisondeHumpwhichwillalleviateyourconditionifyou'resodispoged.”"Willyoutakemethere—liketonight?”

"I'mabovethatsortofheterohay-tumbling,"Isniff,"andanyhowit'shardlynecessary.Atmostofthesejointsyoujustknockonthedoorwithyourpantsdownandyourmoneyinyourhandandthey'lltakecareofyou—forbetterorworse.”Chuliusclaspshispawsinpitifulappeal."ComewithmeforIneverhadSexEducationinschoolorevenbehindthebarnsoI'dbeawfulbashfulgettingstarted.”"Yourstiffprickisalltheself-starteryouneed.”"Butpleasecomewithmejustfor...formoralsupport!”"Oh,OK!"Irelent."AgainstmybetterjudgementI'llchaperonyoubutonlyasfarastheparlor—afterthatyou'reonyourownandmayGodhavemercyonyoursoul!"Jesus!Nexthe'llbeaskingmetoputitinforhimandwhistle'OCome,AllYeFaithful'whilehe'sscrewing!ThateveningIconducttheruttishyouthtoaGothicerectiononTiteStreet(misnomer)whichsportsnoguidingred-lightbutasignoverthedoorreads:'TheBellesofSt.Mary'.Mycompaniongogglesatitandmutters:"Areyousurethisisn'taNunneryormaybeaGlockenspielFact'ry?”IpointtothesmallmetalplateflankingthedoorbellandwhichbrassilyannouncesinlargeSaturnalianscript:

IrmalaDoucheMadam-in-Residence

"Chulius,yourock-head,ifthatdoesn'tconvinceyouthisisamuff-divethenwhydowesmellfishwhenitain'tFriday?!"TheEmporiumscionmopsasweatybrow."OnsecondthoughtIthinkI'dbetter—"butclutchingquakingfaint-heartinanarmlock,Ithumbthebellwhichchimes:'TheBellTollsforThee!'.PresentlythedooropensandsomethingIassumetobetheDouchebagherselfloomsbeforeus—anAmazononthesoursideof60possessedofwatermelonboobiesandasternlikeaMrs.Sippipaddle-wheeler,herfool's-goldhairtorturedintoahugeinvertedpyramidsurmountingcoldgrayeyesbusilycalculatingpotentialWagesofWantonness."Howdy,boys,"shehusksinaJackDaniels'accent."What'syourpleasure—asifIdidn'tknow.”Delicatelyelevatingmyleftsocial-finger,Istabitatthestarsandthenatmybug-eyedassociate:"MyfriendherehaspermanenthardeningofamusclesoIbrunghimtoyourClinicfortreatment.”"Hownice!"Madamtigress-purrs,rubbingherhandslikeShylockbeforewet-blanketPortiaappeared."Anaivesheepfortheslaughter—orisitonlyanunfledgedlamb?Seekandyou

shallfind."Extendingabe-jeweledclaw,sheroughlygropesmyquiveringside-kick."Urn,umm!Somebody'sobviouslyupdowntown!Youngman,you'reaterminalcaseofunbridledlustifIeverfeltone!"andshegivesChuliusacoquettishpushthatalmosthurlshimintothegutter.Alarmed,IcautionMadamX-Rated:"Uh,thelad'savirginwhonevershould'velefthisMothersopleasebegentle.”"He'llbecoddledlikeababe-in-armssuckingbothhisMommy'stittiesatonce."Shesquintsaprocurer-eyeatmyassociate."NowwhatwouldyoudesiretocutyourteethonContinentalordomesticcuisine?”"Isthisaneating-place?"thebefuddledyouthblurts."Ithoughtitwas—”"Youcaneatitifyoulikeit,"Irmabeams,"bicarbonateofsodaonthesideandthere'saDoctorintheHouse.”"Givehimtheworks,"Isaygrandly,"Hispappycanaffordit."Oh,we'llfixhimup—butgood.Comein,boys,thisnightairisbadformypiles,"andlaDoucheushersusintoacapaciousparlor,ontoabosomysofa."Makeyourselvestohomeandifyoudon'tseewhatyouwant,don'taskforit—it'slaidupforrepairs.Theratesforourservicesarepostedineveryroomsopaythegirlofyourchoicebefore•partaking—weoperateonthehonor-systemhere.Anddon'tgiveusnogrief,dearies,"sheaddswithfriendlymenace,"oryou'llenduponyourassinthealleywithafracturedfuck-stick."Droppingacurtseyandsomesequins,Irmadisappearsbetweenpinkplushportieres,herbuttvanishingliketheChessyCat'sgrin."Doyouthinkit'sgonnabeOK?"Chuliusasksnervously."Well,there'sastrongodorofLysolandthat'softenanauspiciousnoteinagasheteria.”Wearealone,evidentlythefirstpatsiesoftheevening.Iinspection-tourtheroomwhichisfurnishedinornatebutdingyantebellumstyle,lotsoffadedredsandtarnishedgiltmidstaprofusionoffrillsandfrippery.OnonewallisaportraitofRobertE.LeecrownedwiththeStarsandBars,abowloffreshforget-me-notsbeneathhim.AshallownichesheltersapockmarkedplasterbustofUlyssesS.Grant,stickycondomsdanglingfromhisears,noseandlips.Onacornerpedestalstandsthebronzefigurineofanakedboy,ahingedfig-leafconcealinghisgenitals.Liftingtheleaf,IseeaprettyerectionthatsquirtsEaudeGarconinmyface—nottherealMcCoy,alas!Adjourningtothecrapperforabladder-break,IobservethatsomeConfederateCaravaggiohaspaintedGeneralSherman'sdourcountenanceontheinnerwallsoftheurinals,andfurtherinvestigationrevealsHonestAbe'svisage,mouthajar,etchedintothebottomofthetoilet-bowls.TheSouthShallRiseAgain—ifonlyinawhorehouse.Returningtotheparlor,Ifinditthrongedwithgentsofallsizes,shapesandsocialstrataandagentelman,beitknown,ishewhokeepshissocksoninaprossy'sbed—itpreventshisconsciencefromgettingcoldfeet.Nosplit-tailsasyetwithinsightorsmellingbutpassingaroundatrayfulofcherrytartsand

mulledhard-ciderincrystalmugs,thereisaboy.Thereisaboy!Ah,Icouldinditeasonnet(sophmoricbutsincere)oranencyclopediphiliaonthatonewondrouswordalone!Andthissweetboyglowslikeyouth'sbrightlexicon'mongstthedrabassemblage:aslimsmallish11or12,frisonofblondcurls,brown-velveteyes,earskittenish,nosepuppyish,moistredmouthpaganlygenerous.ButtheparamountfeatureofthisplusplushpuerishissmoothandsculptedbottomwhichsnarestheeyelikeaseductivesignpostofSodom,invitingin-depthexplorationofthatWistfulVista.Theyoungsteristastefullyattiredinshow-whitetank-top,lilly-whitegym-shortswithbaby-blewborder,passion-redsneekersonhisslendersocklessfeet."Who,"IaskaKernelSanderstypesittingontheothersideoffidgetyChulius,"isthefresh-facedyoungGanymedepassingoutrefreshments?”"Thatsawed-offrunt,"theKernelred-facedapoplectics,"isthetowel-boyandgeneraldog's-bodyaroundhere.Devilishbrat—playstricksonthecustomers.”"Whatkindoftricks?"Properlyrearedkidstrickwiththecustomers."Likeputtingpoison-ivyinthebeds!"theKernelgrates,irritablyscratchinghistestyculls."Doyouknowhisname?”"NameofGeorgeasin'LetGeorgedoit!'buteveryonecallshimMousebecausehe'ssuchalittlerat-fink.”Beingarodentofendangeredspeciesmyself,IfeelgreatkinshipwithMousyboysasinamannerofspeakingtheyaredoubly-endowed,havingatailinfrontandatailbehindandtheyusuallycomeintheeminentlycuddlable,piggybackableeconomy-sizethatevermakesmeyearntobeakangaroosoIcouldcarrythemoffinmypouch—yetaprettylittlemouseinacat-houseseemsnotonlyhighlyunlikelybutlowlyunspeakable.Soontheyoungstercomestouswithhisheavy-ladentrayandIsmilebroadlyandtiphimalewdlysuggestivewink.Hewinksbacktwiceandasheproffershisprovenderhewhispersinmyoff-ear:"Thetarts'reOKbutdon'tdrinkthecider—Ispitinit!"Well,now,that'stheonlypossibleattractionhard-ciderwouldhaveformesothirstilyIdrainallthemugsonthekid'ssalverandlickmychopsforevendilutedthepotionisboyanthome-brewoftheNthSuperlativethatgoesdownsmooth-sweetasgoassamersonlighttowarmthecocklesofyourheartandhangdown.Notaccustomedtohavinghistricksbecometreats,Mousegapesatme:"Youlikeit?”"Yea,verily,"Iburp,"for'tisliquidladandlureandlusciousnessthoughinthefinalanalysis'tisnotthespitbutthespit-terthatpersuades...doyoufollowme?”"Ooh,man,I'msofarbehindyou'reoutasight!”"Nevermind,yourlossismygain,thoughfranklyIdruthersipyourboy-dewunmixedandstraightfromyourfleshlydispenser.However,Irealizesuchnectarictransferralishazardousinthiscrowdedcaravansaryofcuntsohere..."Ishovemylastemptymugathim,"...fill'erup

whenyougetawee-weemomentofprivacy.”Numblyacceptingthecrystalchalice,theboystaresatmeasfascinatedasEvebytheSerpent."Willdo—butifIrmaketchesmeshe'llcutmycockoffanduseitforfish-bait!”"Benotalarmed,mypreciousPiscine,forallsuchmorselsareprizedfish-baittoworm-hungryhookers.”Mousegrins,silentlywolf-whistlesatmeandsqueaks:"Ooh,man,you'retheway-outendsodon'tgo'way—Ibebacktereckly."Andheskipsofftopresenthistartytitbitstonewarrivers.Nowaclangorofbellesdescendsuponus,garbedonlyinhighheelsandhighspirits(90-proof)andnotabad-lookingherdofheifersifyou'rewearingsmoked-glasses.AshadybrunettesnafflesKernelSandersthoughyou'dthinkheofallpeoplewouldchooseachickenlikeMouse!anda5-alarmredheadsweepsChuliusintoherarmslikehe'sherlong-lostorphantchile."Duckie,"shequacks,"mynameisHortenseandit'sdarlingofyoutocomewayupandseemeintime!"AsHortense(atensewhoreifIeversmelledone)dragstheyouthoffinafool's-paradisedaze,Iwavetohim."Ta-ta,Chuliusdon'tdoanythingyoucan'tdoinastraight-jacket!"Iwishhimwellthoughhispartner'slastnamemustbeBrilloforherpubic-jungleissosteel-wooldensethatthepoorguywillhavetouseashoe-horntogetintoher—nottomentionthegrievoushair-burnsaccruingfromtheensuingto-and-froing.ThenanersatzblondegrabsmyarmbuttactfullyIdecline:"ThanksawholeheapbutIjustcamealongfortheride.”"That'swhatI'mherefor—theride.”"MuchobligedbutI'lljustsitthisoneout.”"SotakeitoutandI'llsitonit,"shesmiles."Wedon'tstandonceremonyhere.”"Well,see,thedamnselofmychoiceis...uh,intheLadies'RoomlaunderingherTampax.”"Wecanknockoffanicequickiebeforeshegetsitrinsedout!""Younglady,Ididn'twanttotellyoubutthepitifulfactisI'msufferingfromimpotentiacoeundi.""What'sthatwhenit'sathome?""Leprosy."Blanching,theblondehastilydepartsinquestofhealthierpreywhileIsitthere—onehourthentwo,threehours,watchmencockilycome,copiouslycomeandlimplygo.Sowherethedevil'sChulius?Hemusteitherbedeadorstayingallnight,orboth.Andwhere,ohwhereismyjuicylittleMousie?!ThenIrecallthathemustbebusyhandingouttrick-towelsthoughforthelifeofmeIcan'tseewhythedough-doesdon'tusetheirGod-givenmouths—that'swhatImostlydobutthenIdealwithamorehygienicandsuperiortypeofmerchandise.At4inthemorningtheboyfinallystaggersin,flushedandpanting,andplopshimselfdownbesideme."Where'smyspit-cider?!"Isayrightoff."Oh,man,I'msorrybutIcleanforgot—Ibeenrunoffmyfeetandoutamymindbythedirtypigsinthispen!”

"Familiaritybreedscontempt,right?”"Itbreedsbabies,too,butIwouldn'tstickmydickintotheStatchooofLiberty!”"You'refinicky,huh?Wherewouldyoustickit?”"Inyou,mebbe,ifyouastmenice.Blowinmyface,please,man—coolmeoff.”Iblowandblowandblowthoughthat'sseldomthewayIemploytheverb.Soonbreathless,Iwheeze,"Mypoorbaby,doeslaDouchemistreatyou?Shelookslikeshemight'veinventedchild-abuseallbyherself.”"Naw,Irmadon'thasslemetoomuch—shejustkindaignoresmelikeI'mabadmistakesomebodymade."Nowtheboykicksoffasneakerandputshisbarefootinmylap."HaveIgotablisteronmyheel,man?Itsurefeelslikeit."Close,lovinginspectionofthegracefulappendagediscoversonlyperfection."Noblister?Thenmyarchesmust'vefell'causemydogshurtlikehell!”HintfullyIsay:"Igopherfallenboysandalwaystrytopickthemup!"andIfalltosyruptitiouslylickingthechamois-softsmoothbottomofhisfoot(Sole-FoodSupreme!)andnibblingonhispiggly-wigglypinktoeslikefivelittlecocksiesallinarow."Youhungry,mister?Igottanicepieceatenderloinyoucangnawon!”"Showme!"IgrabforhiscrotchbutMouseadroitlyevadesmyhand."Easy,man—youwannagetuskilled?ThatIrma'sgoteyesinthebackofherass!"Hegivesmeasearchingglance."You'reafaggo,ain'tyou?”"Yougotanythingagainstfags?”"Idon'tknow—Inevermetupwithonebefore.”Encouragingnote—Imighthavemealittlevirginhere!"Well,I'mjustapoorhonestlaw-abidingboy-backdorerwholovestodoeverythingincludingbackdoring—ifLaddyLuckiskind.”"What's`backdoring'?”"It'sbacksidemassagebyasmooth-talkingprickthat'llmakeyourprostateprostratewithbliss—solet'sme'nyouretiretoyourbedandI'llbehappytodemonstrate.”"Comeagain?”"Aren'tyouavailable—oneofthegirls,sotospeak,fortheoccasionalboy-loverwhomighthappentostrayin?Surelyit'sreasonabletoexpecttofindacutecatamiteinacat-house!”

"Look,creepo,Iain'tonthemenuandyou'reinthewrongplace—thisisstricktlyanAll-Holer-House.IfyouwantHolesandPoles,godowntoBoyScoutHeadquartersonthecornerofQueenandGay—theyletitallhangout!”"Oh,Lord,Iputthemakeonafawn-shyCubScoutthereandtheweeli'lbastardKO'dmewithalowblowandtiedmetothetracksoftheLouisville&NashvilleRR—theChatanoogaChew-Chewdueintenminutes!”"Didyougetrunover,Ihope?”"Idon'tremember."IncensedbytheincenseofthekidletIcansmellhisbudding-pubertyfragrancewhichoveraphrodisiacsmytaste-budsandalowdowncoarserorgan—Iplead:"SweetMousie...uh,youdon'tmindifIcallyouMousie,doyou?”"Naw,butIhatecheese—eventhekindonmydick.”"FairestMousie,afouldenofloosewomenisnoplaceforaninnocentboylikeyousoletmetakeyououtofallthis.EversinceIfirstsawyouI'vebeenass-over-tonguesmittenwithyourcharms.Comelivewithmeandmylovebe—youcanstayoffyourprettyarches25hoursadayforI'llwaitonyouhandandfoot!”"Oh,man,youshoveloutmorebullshitthanaheardofsteers!”Iholdupmyrighthand."ImeaneverywordandIswearitbyallIholdsacred—yourself!”"ButIdon'tknowyoufromAdam,'ceptyougotmoreclotheson.""Oh,Icomeveryhighlyrecommended!Whyin'76IwasawardedthePull-ItzerPrizeforbeingtheOutstandingBoyeuroftheYear.”"Which'76—1776?”"Idespisecalendars—theynevertellthetruetruth,agewise.Sohavewegottadeal?”Mousesighs,ponders.Atlengthhesays:"OK,I'lltryyououtforaspell'causemyfeetsurecouldusearest—butnomessin'withme,man!Oh,youcanlookallyouwantandmebbetouchonceinnawhilebutIseensomuchcunt,cockandcurrupshunupstairsthatI'mfeduptoherewiththeblamestuff.”"Butjustminutesagoyousaidyou'dgivemeyourdickifIaskedyounice!”"Iwasjustplayin'atrickonyou,man,sodon'tfeelbad.Besides,IpromisedIrmaIwouldn'tfoolaroundwithsextillIwas21.”"Youshouldlivesolong!Anyway,what'sthatoldbaggottodowithit?”"IreckonshewasafraidI'dtireoutallthegirlswithoutpayin'.”

Thoughmyfinehopesandmyhard-onaredashedtobitsbythisturn-coatbetrayalIacceptMouseonhisownfaithlessterms,trustingthatapatientmotherlyapproachwilleventuallyberewardedbyanardentandincestuousresponsefromsonny-boy."Canyoucomehomewithmenow,Mousie?"Ibeg."Iwon'ttouchbutI'mdyingtoseeyouinthenude!”"Man,I'msopoopedrightnowthatallIwantadoissleep!Whereyoulive?Ibeovertonight'bout8,OK?”Itellhimmyaddressandhepermitsmebrieflytofeelhisgym-shortedfusethenlimpsofftothearmsoftheSandman(?).IleavewithoutChulius—ifhecan'tfindhiswayhomealonehe'lljusthavetobuyacompass.Promptlyatninethateveningatubbed,scrubbedandshiningMouseappears...falling-downdrunk!"Hi,man,Ibrungyouapresent!"Proppedagainstthedoor-jamb,hewobbilyextendsavirginfifthofOldLochNess,amonstrousdistillageknowntovaporizekiltsandrenderbagpipesspeechless."IrmahaddagotoSavannahondiddle-biznesssoIswipedsummaherbooze.""Why,thanks,Mouse—Isureappreciateitforboysalmostnevergivemepresentstospeakof!"Andthegiftwiththegivershouldbebare,ImuseasIscrutinizemysaggingvisitor,alop-sidedclown'sgrinpastedonhisface—obviouslyhecantalkcoherentlybutheseemstohavelittlecontroloverhislimbs.(Whoathere,Casimir!Youwouldn'ttakeadvantageofahelplesschild,wouldyou?Uh,askmetomorrow—I'mbusyrightnow.)Hiccuping,theboystartstoslidedownthewallandIgrabhim,carryhimtomysmirkingsofa—sneakinginsomehappyfeelsenroute."Ithinksomestronghotblackcoffeeisindicatedhere,don'tyou?"Ifoolishlysay,probablydefeatingmyownBlitzkriegcampaign.Mouselooksshocked."What'sthisblackcawfeeshit?!Ithoughtyouwantedtomessaroundwithme!”"Idid...Ido,butyoudidn'twantit—remember?”"Naw,Imustabeendrunk.Soc'mon,man,startmessin''causeIfeelgood—I'mfloatin'!Whee!Catchme,I'maflutterby...butterfly!”Blessingthekid'ssusceptibilitytoScotland'speatypotion,Isofa-sittostandhimlurchingbetweenmythighswhileIrainkissesonhisslack-stickfacethenslobberdownhissmoothbodyasIdenudehim,inventoryhim:sveltehairlesspelt,perkyhalf-inchboy-niplets,push-buttonnavel,bouncyping-pongballsinasnug,silkensacbuthisRoundheadweenieishardlythreeinchesatitssauciestandthelongandshortofitisthatlaterfebrilefellationrevealsmylittleWhiteMousetobenotyetintheMilkyWay—themostminorofmattersforhismodestmouthpieceisasuperblysuctionablenon-meltableflesh-lozengethatyoucandelightfullyrollickaroundwithinyourmouthforhours,tongue-teasingthetweetwitchytwigtoasuccessionoftumultuousdry-orgasms.AndwhateverthesweetletlacksinhisProwismorethancompensatedforinhisStern,shipshapeandseeworthyasthesaltiestoldCruisercoulddesireinalifetimeofportholing.

"Youliketheview?"Mousesnickers,saggingagainstme."Dazzlingasanunguardeddiamond-mine!"Ilaud,bendingtokisstheupstartlittledick—inhalefragranceoffrangipeni,tastehoney-sucklesweetasahumming-bird'sass.Staggeringoutofmyembrace,likeahoming-pigeontheboyheadsstraightfortheadjacentChambreIntime,clambersintobed,sprawlsonhisbelly—Ilikeawaggingtailbehindhim,"Hey,where'sthebottle?I'mthirs'y.”"It'llbealonginaminute.”"Ain'tyougonnaundress—ord'youbuggerwithyourpantson?”"Areyoureallygoingtoletmein,Mousiepet?”"Whynot?IwantaknowwhatIrma'scowsfeellikewhentheygottamaninthem—butwatchout!Imightjustupandplayatrickonyou!”"Likewhat?”"LikemebbeIgottafish-hookinmyhole.”"Somethingtellsmeyou'vebeenprongedbefore—ifnotworse.”"Thatsomething'sadamnliar'causeIain'tneverevenhaddaemena...enemaupthere!”ThrowingoffmyclothesIjoinmybedlamiclove,snakebetweenhiswide-spacedlegs,reverentlylickthenpryaparthiswarmspicyloavestofeastfamishedeyesontheinnersanctumbeforeme—plumptinysmoothbrownielipsencirclinganopeningscarcelylargerthanalove-bird'stushyandforthwithIamtongue-deepintheValleyoftheMoonsniffing,snuffling,laving,suckingtheminiwhoopee-holetillmysquirmingpreyraucouslykeenshispleasuretotheceiling'dskies."Youlikethat,baby?"Ipausetoask."No,it'sdisgustin'—doitsomemore.”"Sorry,greedy-guts,butIgottorestabitasthiskindofmouth-to-mouthresuscitationalwaysraiseshobwithme...look!"Iliftuptodisplaymyconsciencelessorgan,abubbleofliquidlubricityonitsstrainingtip."Whatthehell'syourlittlefingerdoin'hangin'aroundyourballs!"Mousiesneers."Iseedozenso'biggercocksever'nightatIrma's.”"Biggerain'tnecessarilybetter,"Ireply,reachingunderthemattressfortheKY."Now,then—”"Now,then,thefifthfirst,man—Ineedadrink.”

"Later.”"Hey,whoseboozeisit,anyway—mineoryours?”"It'sIrma's.”"HellwithIrma!01'dingbatruinmylife,keepmeinnersewer,workmelikeadawg,whipmeforafewtricks,drivemetodrinkan'faggoslike—”"Pleaselayoffthejuice,Mouse—You'repickledinthestuffalreadyandIhavemoralcompunctionsaboutpluggingaplasteredkid.""Aw,man,it'son'yScotchan'theScotchistooScotchtoputmuchScotchintheirScotch."Henearlyfallsoffthebedlaughingathiswetwit."Evenso,howaboutanicebigglassofmilkinstead?”"Look,man,I'lllayitontheline—noScotchee,noscrewee!”IgettheScotch.Rollingontohisback,theboygrabsthebottle,kissesit,cradlesitinhisarms."Nowlookinthetoeofmyleftsneaker,man,an'gimmewhat'sinthere.”Suspectinganothertrick,Iretrievethesneakerandgingerlyprobeinthetoe,drawoutasquashedbitofamberrubber."What'sthis—aninfant'scondom?”"It'sanipple,stoopid—likewhatyouhadstuckinyouryapahunnerdyearsago!"Heputsaverticalfingeragainsthislipsandwhispers:"Don'ttellnobodybutIsnitcheditfromasleepin'bottle'sbaby...sleepin'baby'sbottle.Nowputitonmybottle,please,man.”IfitthenippleontotheuncappedScotchandhandbothtoMasterRumpotwhoswigsgustily,makingsuckingsoundssosuggestivethatmycockbecomesobstreperous."Youwannasnort,man?”"WhatIcravethemostisyouonyourbellyagainsoIcan—""Ican'tdrinkonmybelly!Youcandomethisway,can'tyou?”"It'llbehellishroughonyourvirginsump-holebutmymottois:Thehumpeealwayscallstheshots."Iputtwopillowsundertheboy'sbumtogetthetarget-elevationjustright,thenKYthesquigglylittlebull's-eyeandmyinsubordinatearrow."Ooh,it'ssocold!"thekidyelps,contractinghissphincteronmyslickfinger."I'llmakeitahot-spotinaminute.Nowraiseyourlegsandhookyourheelsovermyshoulders."NursingonhisbottleMousecomplies,managingtokickmeinthefacewithbothfeetashedoesso.Ihoveroverhim,positionmywetcock-tipagainstthepulsinglittlepucker,

gentlypushtillIfeelaslightgivethenthrustmyrudecan-openerhardthroughthestubbornlipsintothesteamingpassagebeyondwhichreluctantlyacceptsmethenvigorously,blissfullymassagesmyglansandshaftwithever-tighteningmuscularspasms."Oh,Mousie,Mousie,"Igasp,"youtrickatreatandIloveyourorgan-grinderass!”"Andyou'rethem-m-monkey!"theboyhiccups."Hey,don'tlayonmybottlesohard—ifitbreakswe'rebothoutabizness!”NowIplungedeeperintothevoraciousmouthhotlyclaspingmymaddenedtoolandfasterandfartheruntilwithafinalfranticthrustmyturgidglansswelling...swelling...burs—”"SweetMousie,"Isob,"I'msorrybutyou'regoingtoloseyourlittlecherryanysecondnow!”"Itfeelsgood!Kindalikeali'llotta...lottali'lbeesbuzzin'aroundinthere.Ooh,onejustspithisloado'honeywayupinmesofarIcantasteit!”"Thatwasnobee,baby—thatwasme,comingoff.AmIyourboogie-man?”"Yes,youam!Yes,youam...!Jeez,what'mIsayin'!”MytrickyDickeagerforasecondround,Ibusstheboy'sScotch-kiss'dlipsthenoncemorelineupdartandtarget."Andnow—”"Andnow,"Mousiegiggles,shovingmeawayandgrabbinghisownstifflittlelance,"titfortat!”Inthethirty-odddaysandnightsthatfollow,myjubileejoy-boyandImakelove'neaththesilverymoon/sun/starsandSeventhHeavenandtruetomyword,Ikeepmyprecioussucklinginbedasmuchaspossible—tosparehisfragilefeet,ofcourse!There'sonlyoneminor(expensive)drawback—IhavetofeedmysweetsouseaquartandahalfofAuldPeatie-Pissperdaytokeephiminfinefuckingfettle.OneeveningwedineatHoChiMinnie'sVietnamentalPtomainateriaandwiththeice-creamarrivefortune-cookiesdrapedinblackcrepe.Mycookiewarns:Braceyourselfforbadnews!,andMousie'smournfuls:It's10PM.DoyouknowwhereyourMotheris?causingtheboytolookdisturbedanddowncast.Thepoorkidprobablyhasbeenaproductofsordidfoster-homesandhousessincehisearliestyearsbutIrefrainfromquestioninghimlestIrevivepainfulmemories.Instead,IsummonMinnieandloudly,iratelycomplainthathismisfortunekookiesareaninsulttoanalreadyoutrageddigestion.Oh,Sad!Oh,Sorrow!Oh,BeatingofBreast!Thebest-plannedlaysofMiceandmengangaftagleyandthelasttrickiswonbythewiliestplayer.Thenextafternoon('twasHalloween,EveofAllSaints'Day)Iearlyreturnfromwork,onfiretoagaincatchmycockinmybeauteousMouse-trapbutallIfindofthelittlerat—pinnedtoanemptyKY-tube—isanoteandthisisallhewrote:

Dearman-

IlikeyourcrazystyleinbedbutI'mgoingbacktothecat-house'causeIrma'smyMommaandImissherrealbadsoIreckonbloodisthickerthanboogery.Yourstruly,Mouse

14.ErosUnchosen

EverynightIhangoutwiththeotherboysaroundPlaylandinTimesSquareandthesemencometo

lookusoverandmaybeseesomeonetheylikeandsoononebyonealltheotherboysfindfriendsbutmeforIhaveanuglyscaronmyrightcheekfromfallingona

pieceofbrokenglass.IwaitandwaitbutatlastIgohome-

ifyoucancallithome-andcryalittlebecause

nobodywantsmebuttomorrowIwilltryagain.

"Mister,takeme!Iamclean,

IdonotcostmuchIhavelove."

15.MistakenIdentityIwillnowtakepeninhandtowriteaboutatime-lapseI'djustasliefforgetandbeginningwithanAutumninNewYorkwherethereappearedtobeaGeneralBoy-StrikeforIcouldn'tscoreevenwithazit-facedfatfour-eyedredheadIwouldn't'veconcupiscedwithanyway.ThingsfinallygotsobadthatwhenIfoundmyselfgoingdownonanudestatueofEndymionintheMetrophallitanMuseumofArt,IdecidedtotakemypernicketyawfulappetitestoTopekatovisitanaffluentaunt...true,boyesqueconditionswouldhardlybebetterinthatbenightedBibleBeltbutmywalletcriedoutforablood-relativetransfusion.NeverbeforehadIinflictedmypediatrickpresenceonhostileKansasasI'dhearditwasHellonsexualshenanigansingeneralandinparticularoncarnallycavortingwithlads—somuchsothatevenrespectableheterosfeltguiltilysqueamishaboutbeddingtheirownlegalwives—doublejeopardyasitwere,anditwere.ImaginemydelightedsurprisethentodiscoverwhenIarrivedinTopekathattheCitywasinthethroesofajuicyscandalthatrockedtheStatefromToptoBottomandfromEndtoEnd—severalprominentpillarsofthechurch(male,ofcourse)werecaughtwithsundryJuniorHi-Schoolboysinactswhichmyblushfulpenrefusestodescribe.ButOh,Hosannah!HereI'dbeentearfullyregrettingallthoseSonflowerStatelittlecocksandassholesgoingtoshamefulwaste,unlovedevenbytheirowners—wheninrealityKansaskidsarepatentlyaspartialtopeni-aniplayasmostotherright-thinkingyoungsterstheworldover!NowyouwouldexpectthatthissordidrevelationofsublimepublicdisgracewouldcausethelocalEstablishmenttobemorehard-nosedthaneveraboutsex,straightorbent,butunofficiallytheexactoppositewasthecase.Theheretoforelargelyvirtuousladsofthearealearnedapleasurablenewwaytomakeeasymoneyand,ofthemeninvolved,twofledtoCanadawhereIhearthey'regivingtheFrenchboysofMontrealagreenbacklygloriouslyhardtime;onemantriedtoshoothimself(aimedathisearbuthithismouther-in-law)whereuponheregainedhiscommon-senseandflewtoMexicotopursuethehot-tamaleecstasiesofAztecmuchachos,andafourthmanwasslungintotheMunicipalSlammerwhereinterprisingBoyScoutscallonhimandwithslylegerdemainsliptheirsucculentsuckablesbetweenthebarsforfive-buckblow-jobs.ThusatlonglastisdullMoralitydefeatedandBoysexBlueLawsdefied.MyauntlivedonthefringeofGageParkandnext-doorsquattedalong,lowranch-typehousewhereindwelledaGoldenChildnamedOren—amilky12or13erwithathrowawaycharmthatimmediatelyentrancedmesoIcontrivedtomeethimonedaywhenhewasreturningfromschool,tellinghimweweretheclosestofneighborsandI'dpurelylovetobehisfriend.Hitchinguphistightbluejeansbythecrotchasifhisprickwasgettingtoobigforitsbritches,theboywithcoolpolitenesssayshewillthinkmyofferoverandletmeknowhisdecisioninduecourse—andit'sthenIdismallynotethathewearsthesmuglysatisfied,fulfilledlookofaladwell-tended-toadmidshipsfromstemtosternbutthisonlyaddsfueltomyinfatuationandhardensmydeterminationtocutmeasliceofthissopalatablepiece.ThatnightIthrillinglyobservethatmybedroom-windowisvirtuallywithincock-spittingdistanceofOren'swide-opendittoandbreathlesslyIwatchwhileflesh-tintedblindisdrawndown,stronglightisswitched-onastheVisionbeginstoundress—hisformlikeshadow'dbeauty

outlined'gainstthenear-transparentshade...watchastheboy'snakednesswondrouslyisrevealed,myfeverisheyesfocussingonhisslimpeniswhichlustilyjutsoutatmaddeningrightangletohisslimbody,yearninglyoglethepreciouspartuntilsuddenlythekindlylightiscruellyquenchedandIamleftcursingmysteamingrutasIthinkofwhatbare-ass'dbeddedGoldenBoyisprobablyuptonow!ImpatientlyIwaituntilcrescent-moon'dmidnightwhenallaboutmeseemsasleepincludingmyleftfoot,thenIcreepfrommywindowtowardOren's.NodoubtI'monahazardousFool'sErrandandthekidhassothoroughlyhand-sappedhimselfthatthere'snaryadropleftformebutpeewillserveinapinch,plushopefullysuchotherperquisitesasIperhapscanpersuadefrommypulchritudinouspuer.Windowgainedwithoutamishap...ah,noscreen!Beware,sweetprey,herecomesabigMosquitotostingyourprettysuck-stick!CautiouslyItuguptheshadethenslitherserpent-silentoverthewindow-sill,overcarpettothebed—topsheetonthefloor,boyonhisback,legsspreadwide,themeasuredsusurrusofhisbreathingbetokeningslumber.Noislessly,inchbyinchlyIsnakeontothebedfromthefootboardlessbottom,nestlemyfacebetweenthewarmsmooththighs,kissthelittlepeniswhichmiraculouslyisalreadyeagerlyalertforpleasuring,itsruby-redtautheadnoddingtomeasifinheartywelcome.ReverentlyIfastenmymouthuponthetendermorsel,foreheadgentlypressedintotheboy'shairlesspubis,hungryhandscaressingthefirmsatinbuttocks,nostrilsaflarewiththeheaven-scentofquickeningpassion-dew,adoranttonguetasting,tickling,teasingtheheatingyoungmeatwithinme.Eyesstillclosedinhalf-sleepOrensquirms,languorouslysighs,raisesonelegandthentheothertodighisheelsintothesmallofmyback,archeshishumidloinstoforcehislove-dartdeeperbetweenmylipsanddrowsilymurmurs:"Ihopeyoudidn'tforgettolockthedoor,Papa!”

16.DropDead,Father-Image!Toooftenalad-lover'sHellispavedwithgoodintentions.ThatwasthecasewithcaptivatingCasswhomIshould'vetieddownwithstrandsofspider-silkandblowedhimbow-legged,thenprick'dhiminthemostdelicate,lubricatemannerknowntoMan—butI'mgettingaheadofmyselflikearampageouscockinanudistChicken-coop.AtthetimeIwasstayingwithanancientgreat-auntwhohadthefirstdollarherpoordefuncthusbandevermadeandI'dhopedtobeherheirbutsheupandwentandleftitalltoaHomeforStrayedPussy-Cats...ifit'dbeenaMaleCat-HouseIwouldn't'vefeltsodeprivedfortherebytheGraceofGodgoI.ThiswasinOpaLocka,Florida,whichbelieditsnameforsearchhowImightIcouldn'tdetecteventhesmellofakidwhowantedhishotlittlelock-boxopenedbymytypeofkey.Buttheboysexual'ssustainingprincipleandpreceptis:Don'tlosehope—soonerorlatersomesweetsomethingisboundtocomeup!andthatveryafternoonIspyasmallnative—oneofthoselightning-blondswhostrikeyouwitlesswiththunderousdesire—totingahugesackofgroceries.Ilopeuptohimandtoallayanyinitialsuspicionsonhispart,askdirectionstothenearestBaptistChurch.Whileshylyhe'stellingmehelivesrightnextdoortoit,Igazeatablue-eyedyoungfacevulnerableasaslumberinginfant's—innocenceshinesonhimlikeadazzlinghaloandprecipitatesmeheadlongintoLove,primafacie.Ah,thisartlesslittleheart-stealerwillbesoeasytomakethatI'mactuallyfeelingguiltyinadvance!LittledidIknow.Irelievehimofhisgrocery-burdenandaccompanyhimwhileheprattlesawayallabouthimselfandIhearthathisnameisCass,he'snewlyturnedtwelve(years,nottricks),hisparentsdiedinacar-accidentandhehasnootherblood-kinsoisnowlivingwithafoster-couplewhoIinfercareonlyforthemonthlychecktheyreceivefromChildren'sAidfortheyoungster'smaintenance.HereIsenseinhimanoverwhelmingneedforrecognitionandidentityandthewarmreassuranceofbeinglovedandcaredforbysomeoneforhimselfratherthanwhatherepresentsinmeredollars-and-cents.I,ofcourse,amgladlypreparedtoplayfondPoppatoCass—andsinceit'swhat'supfrontthatcounts,whenIcatchaglimpseofhisdenim-cladswollen5inchesI'mavidtobeincestuousMommatohim,too!Arrivedathisdoor,hethanksmeforcarryinghisbagandyearnfullyItellhimI'mstayingnotfarawayandinvitehimtodroparoundforsuchfunandgamesasareenjoyedbyeveryemancipatedLittleLeaguerandChildren'sRightists.Hepromisestocomeoverthenextafternoon,addingwistfully:"You'remyfriend,aren'tyou?Ineverhadonebefore."(Smallone,FriendshipisLovewithoutWings!IaspiretobeyourLoverwithfriendshipasachaser.)SoonCassbecomesmyconstantcompanionforafewhourseachday(exceptSunday)butmycourtshipcreepsatalazysnail'space—mysweetfledglingisafflictedwithunassailablevirtueorsomesucharrantnonsensewhichismadeworsebythetoo-obviousfactthathispants'dpenisreadilyerectsandlongstaysthatwayinpre-pubertalrigidity—amostpropitioussignfromonhigh.ThoughI'mdyingforaffectionalreciprocityIcontainmyimpatience,reininmyunbridledlustandsneakilyimpartcogenthintstopersuademyprettytoContraryPleasuresbutclothedinVictorianeuphemism:'Temptationresistedisecstasylost','Lostopportunitycanneverberegained'and`Virtueisitsownpunishment'.Casslooksatmewitheyeslimpidas

woodlandpoolsandpiouses:"Mr.Duke,theBiblesays'Ifsinnersenticethee,consentthounot!'—wouldyouliketoplayOldMaidwithme?"WreakedwithacidhavocbythisCasscaraput-down,Iseizehishandandslobberkissesonthesoftwarminsideofhiswristuntilhejerkshispawawayanddepartsinpinkconfusion.Ah,well,Romeandsomeladsaren'tmadeinadayyethaveIpossiblygonetoofartoofastwiththisweecaseofAcutePuritanitis?IsheperhapsthisveryminuteonhiskneesintheBaptistChurch,prayinghislittleheadoff?!No,heisbackthenextdayfragrancedwithpurityandwreath'dinshysmiles—andthoughmyexchequerisailingInowattempttoseduceYoungIncorruptiblewithsumptuousgifts:abicycle,wrist-watch,BillytheKidsuitandsincehegetsonlyriceandbeansathomeItakehimouttodineoncostlyroasts,steaksandchopswhileIpinetoeatonlyepicureanCasserole.Andlaterwestrollinthelambenthibiscusnightasheconfidesthathelikestoreadandthoughhe'stoooldnowforTheBobbseyTwins,hejustlovesHoratioAlgerbooks,especiallyRaggedDick.Gnashingmystore-teethinjealousenvy,IrefrainfrominformingmyunworldlydarlingthatRaggedDickwasatailaboutapoorladwhohadbeenclumsilycircumcisedandfurthermore,HoratioAlgerhimself,whowasreputedtobesuchamorallyshiningexampleformaleyouth,inhardfactsothirstilydrainedthekidsintheNewsboys'Lodging-HousethatthewearyyoungsterswerehardlyabletostaggerfortheachmorningtovendtheiroverweightbundlesofHearstianheadlines.StilllaterwhileCassandIsitside-by-sideonthesofawatchingaShirleyTemplefilmonTV(herefusestolookatanythingmoreerotic),Ipressmyfaceclosetodreamy-eyes,inhalethespringtimescentofhisgoldilocksandmurmur:"Mylovely,yousmellfreshandcleanasanewbornrosebud!”"CleanlinessisnexttoGodliness,"hesermonizes,"soeverymorningIwashasfarasPossibleandonSaturdaynightIwashPossible."ThenheblushesfuriouslyasherealizesthehorrendousThinghehasreferredtoand,excusinghimself,dashestothebathroom,forgettinginhisflurriedstatetohookthedoorontheinside.StealthilyIfollowandkneeltoapplymybloodshoteyetothekeyhole,hopingtodiscoverthatCassisanormalboy,afterall,andarousedbydelightfullylasciviousthoughtshehasnowretiredtopoundhismeat.Butno—Iseehimstandbeforethetoilet,raisetheseat,unzipandwithapieceofelatedScot-tissueprotectinghisfingers,pluckout5glisteninginchesofhard-coregloryfollowedbythebeigeskin-Cassketwhereinhistwinjewelsrepose,thenspurtaCasscadeofsparklingpee-peeintotheardentporcelain.Socrates,yougotanyofthattherehemlockleft?CrazedwithfrustrationIburstthroughthedoor,flingmyselfdownandgazeupattheturbulentboy-fountain,butallIgetisasplatterofwarmwee-weeonmytrousersasCass,scarlet-faced,shutsoffthestreamandbacksaway."Thecandleofthewickedshallbeputout!"hepreachifies—hellishinaptlyforheputshisvirgintaperbackinhispants."Sweetchild,bekind!"Isob."Ijustwanttosuckyourunder-privilegedprickalittlebitandIguaranteeyouwilllikeit,Iwilladoreitandyourneglectedcockwillpositivelyjumpwithjoy!”"But,Mr.Duke,"saystheboy,seeminglywithsincereregret,"you'relikeakindfathertomeandIrespectyoutoomuchtoletyoudonastythingslikegoingdownonme!”

17.SweetheartofSigmaChi

TherewasanoldwomanWholivedinashoe;Hadsomanysons

Sheknewwhattodo:HerlittleboyssuckforHarvard,HerbigboysfuckforYale-

AndOh!howthemoneyrollsin!LongagoandfarawaywhenIwas19,IwasasusualnotonlybrokefromboysbutI'drecentlylostacushyjobbecauseachatterbox10ercouldn'tkeepasecret,soIattendedacertaingrassrootscollege—notasastudentbutasassistantgardener,forI'dalreadyhadtoomuchofAcademe,literallyjustbare-asslyskinningthroughhigh-schoolbytheGraceofOh,God!andthePrincipal,arootin'TeutonPh.DwhoeducatedmeintoequatingscholasticA'swithunlubricatedlays.Fortunately,mybodilypartthatwentoverthefencelasthadalreadybeenstretchedtoreasonablytolerantdimensionsbya14eractivistass-artistnamedClivesoIwassparedtoosoreanorifice.Candidly,though,exceptinaneroticemergency,Ipreferoilingantecedenttointercourse,giveortake—it'stheeffingprincipleofthething.ItbeingAutumninMinnieSotaandotherMidwestmatrons,pursuanttomyhorticulturaldutiesIwasrakingleavesagainstabreezewhenthereskipsby,ponderoustext-booksunderonearm,abouttheprimestpieceofprick'dpoultryI'veogledsincetheFranklinDelAnoRooseveltAdministrationwhenEleanorwasPresident.Buttheweecockerel'ssoyoung!Whatthehellisasurelynotmorethannewlypubertalpuerdoingonacollegecampus—orisheperhapscampy-inclined?ATransgressionalInvestigationisimminentlyindicated.AsmysteamingorbsattempttoX-raythesweetstranger'stoo-clothedself,hecastsmeapassingcoyglance,theghostofaco-opgrinhoveringabouthislushlips...andhippity-hopson.Smittenwithinstantlove-lustIfollowhim,doghisfelicitousfootstepswhereuponsoonheisturninghisheadtoflirtilysmileatme,twitchinghisplumplittlerumplikeasexyBumpofKnowledgeandoccasionallyevenskippingbackwardspresumablytoshowofftheluringlumplollinginhislilaceousfrontier—andhisComeHithercorpusanddemeanorpersuademehecanatleastbesampled,withafirmoptiontobuy.Anonthesmallidolandhisbewitcheddisciplearriveataramshacklehousewithinthecollegegrounds.Catchinguptohimonthedoorstep,Ipant,"Hi!Myname'sDuke.IworkhereandhaveacoupleroomsnexttotheunisexcrapperinthebasementofthePhysicsBuildingsowouldyoumaybeperhapsliketocomeoverforanhourortwoandwecould...uh,plumbtheUpsandDownsandInsandOutsofHomoSap,oractstothatdefect?”Ladbestowsacheekysmirkonmeandtrebles:"Gee,I'mawfulsorrybutIgottadomyhomeworknow—I'mstudyin'UnnaturalAbnormalityandtheModernInhumanities.”"Well,couldn'tIbeyourunderstudyorviceversa?"Iyearn."I'mnothingifnotadaptableineveryimaginablepositionoftrust.”

"ThanksoodlesbutIalreadygotmorehelpthanIcanhandle,"thekidspurnsasheslamsthedoorinmyface.ObviouslythelittleshitknowsfromzeroaboutsimpleHumanity,muchlessBoy-manity!StupidschoolsareturningoutjunglesavagesnowandthatisnotwhatIdon'tpaytaxesfor.Butthisyoungling'spowerisstrongerthaneverandaladwhoinitiallydeniesmeisalwaysachallengeso,trailingmyrakebehindmelikethetailofakickedcur,Icontinuetopursuethisperversepupil'sorbitasfaithfullyastheEarthfollowstheSon,enroutelearningfromsundryleeringundergradsthattheyoungster'snicknameisBim,he'sacollegiateSophomoreat13andhe'sdisreputedtobethehate-childofthespinsterDeanofWimmenandasexuallyprecociousCubScoutwhoevidentlygothimselftangledinaknothecouldn'tuntie.Alack,mysedulousshadowingofBim'scharmantphysicalityresultsasbefore—hiseyesandanatomywhisper:"Followmeandtake!"buthistongueultimatums:"Scram!"thoughnowIamwildtoreclineinhisSeatofLearninganddrinkdeepfromhisFountofWisdom.Tracker-tired,Idrag-assintothelocalcafeteriaandtrytodrownmywoesinwhatthejointispleasedtocallcoffeewhenthehead-gardener,ashortstocky40-pluswithwetmouthandhumideyes,comesupandsitsdownoppositeme.GuiltilyIstammer:"Iwasj-justhavinglunch.Uh,Ihopemyworkiss-satisfactory,Mt.Um.”"Youdowellenoughforlackofanyonebetter,"hesays,gnawingonaprick-shapedcigar,"butInoticeyouseemspellboundbyourhome-grownInfantProdigyorEnfantTerribleBimbynameandillfame.”Allmyingrainedcautionsuddenlyforgotten,Iblurt:"TruthisI'msotakenwiththatsweetpiecethatIcan'tthinkstraightorevencrooked—Iwanttenderlytotouchhim,tastehimandsmellhim,lovehim,lovehim,lovehim!Butheeverrejectsme—hewouldn'tgivemetherighttimeifhewereBabyBen!”Mr.Umhitcheshischaircloser,conspiratorilylowershisvoice."Sinceyouseemtobeasincereassoul-brother,IwillconfessthatItooamgrabbedbylittlenut-bearersbutIlikethemsodumbtheythinkGonewiththeWindisafartinahurricane.SoIadviseyoutoforgetwise-assBim—he'snotforyou.”"Butwhy?Iwouldn'tharmahairofhishead!”"Becausehe'stoodamnclass-consciousiswhyandinthepecking-scaleyou'rebelowthebottomrung.Butdon'tletthatbotheryou—Icanintroduceyoutoacouplesexysub-teenerswhodon'tgiveahootwhatyouareaslongasyoudon'thaveapadlockonyourwalletandarenegativeVD.”"Well,thanksverymuchbutmyheartbelongstoBimhook,lineandsinker.”Mr.Umsighs,shakeshishead,tapsmeonthearm."Iseeyou'remoreromanticthanpracticsoI'mforcedtobreakthebadnewstoyoufastandungentlysoyoucangetbacktowork.”"Wh-whatbadnews?"Iwince.

"Likeso—yourseductivelittleBimbowillneversomuchasletyousniffhisdirtyrosebudbecausehe'sstrictlyandexclusivelytheSweetheartofSigmaChi!”

18.BestasinBestialityAgnewlivesinasmalltownnearSheepsheadBay,NYandinwhichIhidoutforaninterimtoescapeanirateMadhattanMommawhocaughtmesticky-mouthedteachingheryummyyoungsonthatwhathehadbetweenhislegswasn'tjustasiphontodrainoffpee-pressurewith.(WhendealingwithBoysGod'sgifttoMan—alwaysendasentencewithaproposition.)Agnew'sbackyardbuttsontomineandsincehe's12andcomelyasaprematureejaculationIquicklycontrivetomeethimandtowoohimwithalltheEtna'dardorofmydeprivedexile,presentinghimwithhugeboxesofhisfavoriteconfection(chocolate-coveredmarzipannougatsat$4thepound)andshootingbasketswithhimwhichIevermiss—Ican'tseethebluddyhoopforhisbeguilingbasket.OnelazyafternoontheladandIaresittingside-by-sideonhisricketyback-veranda(heliveswithanagedgrandmotherwhoisincompleterapportwiththespirit-world—thatistosay:thelocalliquor-store)andIgazeintoAgnew'slambenteyes,caresshiscaraculcurls,strokethelambsdownsoftnessofhischeekandsubtlyintimatethathecouldtransportmetoHighestHeavenifhewouldpermitmetotongue-bathehimfromcowlicktotenrosytoesies—plusothersweetmeatpleasurestoopenitentiariedtoprateaboutinpublic.Oddly,theyounglingisimpervioustomyheart-throbcourtship;myblandishmentsbounceoffhimlikehailonacoldtinroof—evenwhenImurmurinhispastelearthatinmybedhe'llbewearingsilkpyjamaswhenhecomes!Finallyhegivesmeasheepishgrinandbleats:"Idoanwannaputyoudown,MistuhD,butIjistain'ttoogoneonfutzin'aroundwithguys.”"Isee—youlikedamnsels.Well,that'sonlynatural,nobody'sperfect,butIcan'tsayIrecommenditatyourtenderage.Asforme,I'dcrawloveradozennakedgirlstogetataniceboy—evenwithhispantson.”"Idoanlikegirls,neither.”"Igetit,youmakelovertoyourselfandcertainlyaboy'sbestfriendishisfist—alwaysconvenientlyathandandtrulytheHandthatrockstheCockshallruletheWorld!”"Iain'tusedmyfistsinceIwereeightyearold.”"SweetJesus,don'ttellmeyou'realittlesaintwho'sbothcontinentandabstinent—that'stheworseperversionofall!”Agnewfurtivelyglancesthiswayandthat,thencupswarmfingersaboutmynearearandwhispers:"Doangoblabbin'itaroundbutIlovesheep!”Ishudder.LizzieBordenlovedmutton-soupforbreakfastandyouknowwhatsheupandwentandgoneanddid!Besides,Ifeelmonstrouslysour-grapesrejectedinfavourofsomedamnramheadedwool-gathererbutshortlyIrecoversufficientcomposuretomutter:"Well,chacunasongooasthecowsaidwhenshekissedthemilkman—butcanasheepreallyblowyouwith

felicitiedfinesse?”"Fucksuckin'—screwin'sendsmethemost.”"Historically-speaking,forcenturiesshepherd-boyshavebeenprongingandlatereatingtheirwoollychargesbutIshouldwarnyouthatSyphilus,asheepherderinancienttimes,therebycontractedthefirstcaseofsyphilisonrecord.”"Shit,thatmutton-headmustahumpedaewe!Ion'ydicklambs.”"Boylambs,Itrust?”"Whatelse?!Theirwoolissofteran'fulleroflanolinsotheydoanneedalube-jobornuthin'an'theydoanbaatheirstupidheadsoffwhenI'mpluggin''em.”"Doyouhavetogettheminacornerandtiethemdownbeforeyoucanstartshafting?”"On'ythefirsttime'causeonctaboy-lambgetsitfrommehewantsmore,lickin'mypants-flyan'buttin'hisassupagainstmelikehecan'twaitforit!WhatIdonow,see,isIwearrubberknee-bootsan'Istickthelamb'shind-legsinthebootsan'rightawayhistailfliesupan'hislittleholepuckersoutallhotan'readyforme!"Theboyrollshiseyesandoscillateshisgroininremember'dovineecstasy."Yow-wee,MistuhD,frigasseeoflambisthebestthereis!”DolefullyIsigh:"That'swhatMarysaidaboutherlittlelamb.Well,I'mveryhappyforyouinyourdevotiontoanimalitybutmyexclusiveyenisfortwo-leggedsweetbeastiesthoughtheydocreateproblemsnowandthen.”Agnewfrowns."Igottakindaproblem,too.”"Oh?Areyouhavingtroubletoilet-trainingyourassoulmatesordoyouputPampersonthem?""Naw,nuthin'likethat—butyesterdayabigol'hunkafuzzcamebargin'inherean'hitmewithasummonsforkeepin'sheepinsidetheCityLimits!”

19.VirginibusPueriBoywise,whenisaVirginnotaVirgin?It'simpossibleanatomicallytodetectagenitallyIntactourchinandaseeminglyinexperiencedandtight-mouth'dass-holemayonlybesnapbacksuper-elastic.NowadaysavestalladisalmostasrareasaprepuceattheLastSupperyetmanykidsarecleveractorsinbody,mindanddemeanorandcancrediblycounterfeitthatwhichtheylack—therebycommandingahigherprice,greateresteemandimmensepersonalsatisfactionastheylaughupthesleevesoftheirhustlingtank-tops.Theattitudeoflad-loverstowardvirginityismixed.SomesnobismeelitistsprefertobesexuallyFirstinLinesotheycanbreakthekidintotheirfavoritestyleoffour-ballsballinganditistruethattoacquireayoungstercellophane-freshfromhisMommy'sapron-stringsisthefonddreamofmostofus,yetoneshouldkeepinmindthattheapparentlyaccessibleladwhoisUntouchedmaywellturnouttobeanUntouchable.Otherboysexualsarelessdifficulttopleaseonthispoint—primarilytheyseekobjectsofVirtuandVirtueismoreby-the-waythougheveradelightfulsurprise.Theaveragedoteronthecock'dimmatureisgratefulforwhathecansafelygetaslongasit'sreasonablyhouse-brokenanddoesn'thavetobechainedupatnight.Asforthelittlemalesthemselves,themajorityofnormal,aggressive,masculineladsfromkindergarten-ageupcan'twaittolosetheirfront-and-centercherryandaren'tatallfinickyhowtheybiditGoodby.That9944/100%pure-lookingchoirboywarblingsopranopraisestoMariaImmaculataintheCathedralofSt.Paul'sSt.Peterisveryprobablycountingthemini-secondsuntilhecanescapetosweetlySixty-ninewithhislustysong-matesintheshadow'dsemen-reekingVestry.(Dogirlscompareclit-andbooby-sizeslikeboysdoCox'nBalls?)Anal-intercourse,ofcourse,isOKtooifthekidplaystheactiverolethoughpassivityisfrequentlyspermissibleprovidingtheframeofreferenceiskeyedtotheimproperlyproperdefinition.AninstanceoftheabovewaswhenIbrieflycockanallycommunedwithapeccablepuernamedPeteywhomImetataTupperwareKaffee-klatschwhereIgotalienonPeteyandboughtaVidalGore-redplasticKotex-dispenserunderthemistakenimpressionthatitwasatwo-handleddrinking-cupwithno-driplip.NorthoftheneckandbetweenthethighsPeteywasnobargain,either,buthisbalsambottomwasordainedforpaganPan-handlingandhismellowasaHarvestMoonanusettewaslikeacherry-sundaeeverydayoftheweek—plushesolemnlysworebyhisMotherthathisdishyreardimplehadneverknownapenilespoon!Theladbeingwillingtotryanythingnewandblueifit'swell-wrappedingreen(three10-spots),Ispeedilysuppliedthatrequisiteandafterwardinpost-coitumcuriosityIasked:"Petey-love,yousurefuckfamousbuthowdoesitfeelnottobeavirginanymore?”Patentlycontemptuousofmyhinterlandunsophistication,hereplied:"Shit,man,thatwasn'tfuckin'—thatwasjustplainord'naryol'cornholing!"Obviouslyhedidn'tknowwhatavirginwas,thoughhewasn't.Conversely,adouble-standardseemstoprevailinthecaseofgirlsforI'veheardherdsofheteroteen-stallionssnort:"Ifpigsputoutthey'renodamnedgoodandiftheydon'tputout,whatdamngoodarethey?!"Incontrast,myfeelingstowardsexyboysarebubblingoverwithtenderlovingkindness:Ifyoucan'tlick'em,tohellwith'em!InQueenVictoria'sprimeduringwhichshekilledherspouse,PrinceAlbert,throughexcessive

sexualdemands,VirginitywastheRuleandnottheExceptionthroughouttherealm.Toconfirmthisevenwhiledenyingit,theredweltasmallexclusiveBoy'sPreparatorySchoolinBedfordshirewhosecurriculumincludedaVirgin'sClubbutIdon'tknowwhatsortofinitiation-testwasadministeredtodeterminebeyondashadowofdoubtfulsphincterthisEdenic(beforethatapplesaucySerpent)conditionofbeing.Anacademicquestion,really,astheyoungstersweren'tcherrylongandinfactacherryshortduetotheHeadmasterinpersonleadinghisyoungchargesdowntheprimrosepathtoaforeskinsin—aneasyconquest,I'minformed,andactuallyaidedbytheadmonitionsofmaternalparents:"Memuvvernevertoldmenottohumpboys—shejustwarnedmeagainstgirls!”ThewiseandwilyMasterofHeadtookmanyindecentexposuresofhispupilsperformingtheRitesofErosandI'veogledsomeofthisDevil'sHandiworkwhichisdrooledoverbyboyeurseventothisday.Oneflammatoryphotodepictsanudegrinningkidletofabout11onhisback,betweenhisraisedlegsaslightlyolderboywhoseslenderass-augerishalfwayinhisbuddy'ssub-continenttothemutualblissofeverybodyincludingtherumpl'dbed.Anothernakedtableaushowsasmilingblond12ercheeks-to-cheekssittinghisprettypootieonthefaceofanotherladwithatasteforMasterBrownandwhosejawmusclesstandoutinsuchstrainedecstasythatyoujustknowhe'seatingtheorgasmicorificeforallhe'sworth.Allgoodcleanfunandsuchone-on-oneboy-bacchanaliasservedtoweldthemaleyouthofAlbionintoacolonizingforcethatstunnedtheworldwithdismayandadmiration.IfWaterloowaswonontheplaying-fieldsofEton,theBritishEmpirewaswoninthedormitoriesofPrepSchools.TolittlenotenorlongrememberbutironicallyaproposisthestatementofT.E.Lawrence'sbrotherthatT.E.(betterknownasLawrenceofArabia)diedavirgin.Mirabiledictu!RemindsoneoftheImmaculateMisconceptionbuttheballsy-wallsytruthisthatoldT.E.peeledmanyaplumpjuicylittleTangerinoinMorocco,oversleptwiththebeautifulArabboyDahoumandinConstantinopleorCanstandicocklewaswellandtrulyscrewedbyanOttomanStaff-OfficerwhopresumablyfoundLawrencetobeasuperiorbrandofTurkishDelightforhetookSecondsandThirdsintheon-offing.Summinguptheforegoing,theimpartialreadermustsurelycometotheineluctableconclusionthataboyisVirginifhe'snever'known'afemale—humanorwhateverwillholdstillforhim.ThisliberaldefinitionoftheminormaleVestalStateflattersthelad,edifieshislover(s)andallaysthesuspicionsofthesnarlingWatchdogsofMoralitysoforthwithIampetitioningNoahWebstertoamendhisremissUnabridgedaccordingly.

20.ShadowandSubstanceInaskin-to-skinsenseI'manature-loverfromwaybackandIdon'tliketobragbutI'vebeenOrganicGardeningroughlytenderlysinceIwas8(startedlatebutthat'sFate),GreenThumbgrowingweepeniandtillingtinyanigentlyasabutterfly'sburp.I'veraisedposies:lovelyboy-budsandblossoms,andvegetables:asparagus-tipstastyasa6er'sslimsprout,carrots(muchindemandbyrectum-orientedpersonalities),andArtichokes—Artiehadabigone!No,Vaginia,IneverraisedKotexes—I'mscaredstifflessofwhatmightbeunderneath.SometimesIgetayentofiddlearoundwithevolutednatureintheWildifnottheRaw—suchastadsfrom7come11whoinvariousdegreesaregenerallyprimitive,savage,uninhibited,illegalandunlawfulbutawefulfetching.Thelikeliestplacetocultivatethistypeofelusivefaunaisintheirprivatelairs:playgrounds,parks,meadows,secludedsylvangladesorbythesandyshoresofGitcheeGoombah.Inapproachingthiswaryandoccasionallyhazardousgame,Iemployarusethatoftenisblissfullyeffective—thatis,Iinvoketheshadowofaboytoaidmeinsnaringthesubstanceofone.Lemmegiveyouahorribleexample…Theneedhavingarisen,oneMaylay-dayIprowlthelocalFairgroundswhichisdesertedthistimeofyearexceptfortheoddexplorative,exploitive,adventurousladwhoisn'taboveapassivesuckjobnorbeneathliberatinganymarketableobjectnotcementeddown.Thesceneprovesboy-joylessbutjustbeyondtheeastexitIspyanenticinglittlebaton-bearersittingonaluckylog.Heappearstobeabouthalf-past8oraquarterto9,shaggyblondhairtumblingabouthisroundedbrow,dark-blueeyes,cremedefraisecomplexion—beautyunadorned.Histank-topisragged,threadbarehisjeans,sneakersholierthanSwisscheeseorthePope—evidentlyapoorkidbutMidas-richingoldenallure.Positioningmyselfforcome-what-may,Ikneelreverentlyathisfeet,mynostrilsblood-houndsniffinghisbody-bouquetlikeheadyboysenberrywine.Kidcrosseshiseyesandstickshiswetpinktongueoutatmebutevincesnosignsofalarm—sofar,sogood."Hello,handsome,"Iingratiate."Didyouhappentoseeaboyaboutyouragearoundhere?Heusuallywearsonlycut-offsandhe'sshort,darkandtoothsome."(The'shadow',asaforesaid.)"IfIdidIwun'ttellyou!”Humph,isthisoneofthoseUnder-achieverswhowon'tevengiveyouthesweatofftheirass-crack?DoggedlyIpresson."Dadgumit,Humperdinkpromiseddouble-crossed-his-hearttomeetmehere—butIguesshedoesn'tneedtomakeabucktoday.”Thekid'searstwitch,hiseyeswiden."Howwashegonnamakeabuck?”"Uh-uh!I'lltakethe5thamendmentonthat.”"Tellme—Icouldusesomebread.”"No,itwouldshockyourshortsoff.”

"Mister,Iain'twearin'noshortsan'the'lectricchairmightshockmebutnuthin'elsewould,sogive—letyourbaldhairdown!”"Well,uh,Humpywasgoingtoletmegodownonhimforadollar.”"Hell,youcandomyDirtyDickforsix-bits!"AndFantasybecomesRealityascuteweeny-bopleapstohisfeet,shovesjeansbelowknees,tank-topabovebelly-buttonandre-seatshimself,wincingastherudelog-barkchafeshisvelvetbottom.Panting,Iseektoparthisbide-a-weethighsbutamsummarilyrepulsed."Whoa,twat-lips—coughupthescratchfirst!”Igivehimasinglewhichhewhisksintohisleftsneakerwiththespeedoflight."Don'tIgetanychange?"Isnivel,everexchequer-conscious."Six-bitsplustip,OK?"Andhespreadshislissomelegs,invitingmein.AtthemomentI'minnoconditiontoargue—butwhatisthis?!Thetot'srevealedpersonaltipisdamnnearnon-existent,hislimp,clippedpenishardlybiggerthanthefilteronacrumpledunLuckyStrike.Tryashemight,thisunhungsonwouldbehard-puttohumpaplateofsoftJell-O!MakingthebestofabadbargainIburrowintohisbaby-groin,marvellingatthecleanfreshscentofhimthere,atlengthtongue-findandmouth-inhaletheshriveledflesh-tube.Surprise!Surprise!AsIrollhisshortshrifthitherandyon,givingitagoodsoakingandhopingformiracles—itdoesbegintoquiverandquicken,tostiffen,toincreaseandmultiplyliketheloavesandthefishesuntilitpeaksintoa5-inchprickalillithatdry-comes3timesinspeedysucksession.H'm,hereisanextremelysubstancedsweetshadow,indeed,andstayingonthevibrantbiglittlememberItryforafourthcomingbutkiddykinsslapsmeaway."Oink!Oink!Don'tbesuchapig—youawreadytakensix-bits'worthan'more!”FeverishlyIsearchmypocketsforadditionalfellation-feeyetallIunearthisemptinessbutforanadtoutingediblelubricantsinsexpure-Fruitflavors.Shamefaced,Ihaltinglysuggesttomysavouroussuckeethathegivemealasthelpingofhiscock-confectiononcreditforwhichI'llgladlyreimbursehimtomorrow.HeBronx-cheersmeandscornfuls:"Thatain'tthewayIdobizness!"BloodyHell!Thedenyingdumplinghasbeenthisroutebefore!"Butyouwillbeheretomorrow,won'tyou?"Ianxious.“LessenIdiebeforeIwake,Iwill—butsinceyoulikeitsomuch,mydickhasgoneuptotwobucks,includin'tip.”"Getlost,snotface—youain'tgottheonlysausageinthemeat-market,youknow!”"Mebbenot,butIbettomorrayou'llbewaitin'formewithyourtonguehangin'out!”Lordamercy,thischeekytwerp'llgetalong—ifheisn'tcutshortbysomeeconomy-mindedgo-downer.OfcourseIacquiescetothesurchargeandreluctanttoleavehisimpudentpresence,wechewthefatforawhileduringwhichIlearnthathe'scalledGinger,hedoesn'tknowhowoldheisashe'sneverhadabirthday-present,andthoughSexEducationisnotamonghislistof

acquaintances,he'softenplayedPapa-&-Mamawithaneighbor-girlandPapa-&-Papawithher12erbrother—helikesthelatterbetteronaccountofbrotherbestowsadimeatimebutmenlikemehaftapaymore,natcherly.Essayingtochangethedepressingsubject,Iinterject:"Bytheway,whyaren'tyouinschool—areyouplayinghookey?”Theboyscowls."Igot'spendedfortwoweeks.”"Don'tletthatbotheryou,smallone.InmyexperiencemostBoredsofEducationareabunchofstupidknotheads.Butwhywereyoususpended?Didyouprayoutloudinclass?DidyousalutetheAmericanflag?DidyoustandwhenTheStarSpangledBannerwasplayed?Orperhapsyouonlytriedtosodomizeyourteacher,Itrust?”"No!Igotkickedoutfortellin'thehonest-to-Godtruth!""Sometruthsaremoredangerousthandynamite.Whatparticularsuchgotyouintrouble?”"Well,inclasswehadthiswhattheycallShowan'Tellwhereyou'res'posedtobringyourfav'rutbookortoyorlikethatan'showitaroundan'tellaboutit.”"Certainlyaninnocentscholasticpastime—andinstructive,too.”"That'swhatIfiggeredbutsee,myfav'rutplay-toyismycock!”

21.ASmallIdiot'sDelight'TwasontheIsleofCaprithatImethim(myParoleOfficer,thatis)and'twasontheIsleofStatenthatIfirstlaid(eyeson)Shan,mymumchancemoron.NoperjorativeintendedhereforI'manotoriousnumbskullmyownself,feloniedfoul-upeverseekingthedimwitbedshipwithcrackbrain'dconcubini,achievedsamewithzanyShan,namemusiconmytongue,happyhappyhappybeyondtheLastHurrah.SittingonthesoiledoutskirtsofSt.George(dragonsnoozingbyhisside),drowsilyIcontemplateascowlinghydrantresentfulofitsunderdogstatusascaninecomfort-station...lazilyobserving,idlymusingwhenalongcomesthisboy.Thereoughtabeanedicktagainstcomingboys,alongorashort–raisesHellwithLeadMeNotUntoTemptationthoughintoTemptationislegalifTempteristoilet-trained.Lad-famishedmewide-awakenow,quiveringnostrilssniffingtheferalfragranceofaJuniorTesticleerfortherewasadevastatinglydefinablefeatureaboutthiscockychickthatinstantlyaroused—hisbluejeansjuttedouttwofullinchesinfrontalzipper-zone.BoyScoutknifeinpocket,strayedoutoforbit?Slingshot?Orgy-sizedtubeofKY?Hotsy-totsyyounghard-on?Easy,man,you'rejumpingthebeguilinggunyou'renotevensureisthere.Cruellittlestrangertakesnonoticeofdissolvingmealleyes,sighs,stiffeningofyearning,skipsdirectlytofire-plug,confrontsitaffordingmeanevenmoreunsettlingside-view:clusteredterra-cottacurls,biscuit-tintedfleshIlongtospreadmarmaladekissesonandregallydine,midriffaprostratingprofileofStick-outnowevenmoreStuck-upthanbefore—anErectEpheboifeverwas,truantfromwhatScythianshore?Andthenthetumescentyoungtantalizerunzipsandextractsfiveineffableinchesofdawn-tippeddelirium(bigforitsagebutsmallforitsbirthdays)andproceedstobenisontheinsensateiron.Abeveragefromthetapthattittylatescallouslylavingamutt'slatrine—Oh!it'samartyrdom!Piss-harddrainedbutnotappreciablywilted,youngstervigorouslyagitateshisuncutdispenserofdelight—ah,tobethetonguethatrocksthiscutecradleofcome!butdon'tshaketoohard,myweedarling,lestyouhaveanaccidenttoannihilateme.Hot-eyedIgazeashecramshisstilldew-drop'dhosebackintohisthirstypantsandwhilecarelesslyhehalf-zips,asalaciousSealyhameagersuptothehydrant,excitedlyinhalesthebouquetofboy-bestowedbrew,andavidlyaddshistwo-cents'worthofirrigation...wishI'dthoughtofthat!HemingwayoncesaidthatDeathisthesmellofawhore'sskirtandofcoursehewasfamiliarwithsuchapparelbutwereyouinernest,dearErnest?MorehygienicallyestheticallyIcanknowledgeablystatethatvibrantLifeistheimmortalattarofaboy'sbriefs,canpresentlydetectawispoffly-revealedwhiteinpertinentpuerbitofpinkpubis-skin,too.Gottamakeapassatlittleangel-pusshere:drollfaceofateeny-floptroll,gray-green-bluemosaiceyes,lushwetcorallipsinvitingbee-sips,terraincognitaofslimstrangeboy-bodyincitingintimateexploration...gottamakehim,hystericalinevitability,butwhichmodusoperandotoapply?Let'strytheVervefulVerbalGropeInverse."Littleboy,don'tyouknowyou'renotsupposedtowee-weeinpublic?You'renotonlyinvitingmetoriotousrutbutyou'vealsomademeenviousofthatbless'dhydrant!”"Ain'tnone'oyourbidness,mister,butIcouldenholditnolongeran'besides,dawgspeeinthestreetan'istheyanybetter'nIam?”

"They'renotbetter,baby-dumpling,justdifferent—theirtailisinback.”Kidgapesdownathisgeneration-gap(morerosyfleshthanpaleclothshowingnow,Godgivemestrength!)andfrownsthatImustbeoutamymind'causehedon'tgotatailfrontorback.Deliciouslittledummkopfdon'tevenknowhisowndummythoughhisfingersmuststillhotlytinglefromhandlingit.Please,canIfeelthemerchandise,MasterMacy?TremblantwithillicitlustIsuggesttothesweetstupethatifhewillaccompanymetomyhotel-roomIwillgladlygeographythepreciselocationofhistail,plusotherpurlieustoopunitivetoprateofintheopen—thattherefire-plugjustmightbebugged.Hacklesraised,halcyonhalf-withaulsoffandhollers:"Nowjistholdyourhorses,mister,'causetheyisrunnin'awaywithyou!ImeanhowdoIknowyouisnotgotevuldesignsonmybody?”"Pudding-pie,benotalarmed—atattoo-artistwasneverI.""ThasswhutyousaybutIbeenwarnedtime'nagainaboutstrangerswithcarsan'candy-bars.Isyouastranger?”Oglingmini-minor'syawningfly,Igulp,"Ofcoursenot!I'vebeenaroundthesescenicpartsforyears.”"Isyougotanycandy-bars,then?Iiswildabouttheoneswithnuts.”"Idon'thaveanynutsonmetospeakofbutI'vegota5-poundboxofchocolatesinmyroomandthere'ssuretobeafilbertortwohangingaroundintheresomeplace.”"Yougottacar,too?WecouldgoforaniceridetoBermudaonyIhateonions.”"Punchy-poo,Idon'tevenpossessaHardly-David'ssontricyclebutI'veanenormouscollectionofcomic-booksfeaturingsuchhilarioussad-sacksastheAmericanSnivel-LibertiesUnionandCongressionalcut-upsintheHousethatisnotaHome—youwilllaughtillyoucry.”Oneflagellantly-lash'deyeclosed,thumbandforefingerstrokinghischin,UtopianurchinpondersdeeplywhileshamelesssuckerIbated-breathhopethebeauteousbaitwillbite.Hedoes—asherudelyupzipshisdown-fly!OK,nosweat,I'llgetitopenforbusinessagaininshortorderormynameisn't...myname...my...Jeez,thisisridiculous,it'srightonthetipofmytongue,knowitaswell'sIknowmyown...noprompting,please!Oh,hell,skipit—Iknowthenameofthegame!Flotantwithinflationofboy'danticipation,Iwhiskmyding-batdelicadotomylairwhereatonceheendearshimselfbyspurningmycomics,declaringthatpollytishunsstink—Pollywannacracker?Yeah,Pollywannacrackeran'ever'friggin'thingelsehecangrab.However,mynuttybonbonsenthusetheboyconsiderable,littlealmondinehardshellhimself,becomesenchantingchatterboxnowandconfidesthathe'scalledShan,he'slike12-teen,lovesriddles:Whut'srounduponroundwithaholeinthemiddle?Apugilisticprostitute?No,dopey-dilldock,it'sastove-pipe!Whichcamefirst,thehenortheegg?Don'tbesimple—youeverseeaneggcome?Hehateshisparochialschool'causetheyismoreprayin'intheclass-roomthanhumpin'inthewashroomandhespeshullycan'tstandNewMath.ItellhimIwastaughtonlyOldMath

whichismostlydelightsomesubtraction,like69."Whut's69,mister?”"That'swherethe6bites6inchesoff9.”"Surelistenslikesexy'rithmetican'Iisgonnaastmyteachertoswitch.”"Betternot,myson,mysun.—orthefitwillreallyhittheShan!”Particularlyinsubjectsintimateisthesweetdoltacharmingdumbo—evergristtomygroin.Thislittlegubbinsliteraldon'tknowhisassfromthePanamaCanalandlaterwhenIpartookofhisrectumicrhapsodies,ShanaffordedmepassageasifIwereagunboathurtlingfromtheAtlantictothePacific,tightsentimentaljourney.Proudlydaffydowndillyboaststhathe'shadSex-EducationfromAtoZee-Zeeathismother'sknee.(Ihadmineonmyfather'sknee—IRememberPoppa,hehadachippedtoothinfrontthatscraped.)Shan,belovedbonehead,knowsitallandgoesontowitlessproveit:BirdsandBees?TheFeatherseattheBuzzers.Wheredobabiescomefrom?Thestorkbringstheminhislittleblackbag,boysaremadethesameasgirlsbutittakeslonger,thevulvaistheuvulaspelledbackward,VaginaisshortforVirginia,theFallopianTubesistheLondonSubway,toilet-waterisjustpeeputwhereitshouldbe,testiclesisthemtheregoddamexamsteachersisawwaysspringin'onyouwhenyouleas'expeckit,aprepuceisaIndianinfant,Semenissalt-watersailorsandCocksisboy-hensthatcrowwhentheylayanegglikeyou,mister,Sheesh!Andthroughoutthejuicyyoungjarheadcoollysitsthereonmystraitandnarrowbed,insteadofmetheluckyboxofchocsnestlingbetweenhisthighs—ifhiszipperwasundonehisnozzlewouldbenuzzlingthenougats.Littleknuckle-headdoesn'tjusteatcandy—heopenshisgreedyyapwideandwholesalehurlstheconfectionerydownhisthroat,frantictonsilsdodginglikecrazy.ThoughsuffocantforabitofboysexI'mstilltactful,hintful,lookhot-pointedlyatShan'suptightfly-zipper,lickingmylips.Nitwitnoodle-headlooksataflyontheceilingsweetestupidolacksthegraceofsimplehospitality.Othergambitsprat-fallen,IdespairingdecidetoemploythePitchDirect."Shan,love,willyoupleaseletmeblowyou?”"Blowme?OK,blowinmyear—itfeelskinddusty.”"Nosoap,huh?Well,breakyourheartandjustletmegetalookatyourprickofacock!”"Yougotoneo'yourown—lookatthat!”"Godblessyoutohellforablastedlittleteaser!”"An'where'dyoubuythiscruddycandy—attheFive'nDime?”"Oh,baby,atleastletmekissyou—that'snottoomuchtoask,isit?”

"Mister,IwouldenletyoukissmeifyouwasmyownMomma!”Moaninglow,foulfoiledfiendIshutmyeyes,clutchmyachinghead,consideralternativesthatincludedepressingdemises.I'dtakeittotheLordinprayerbutdoubtlessHe'sentwinedwithHispsychoanalistonthatbuilt-for-twoblackcouch.ShouldIlover'sleapoutthewindow?Fromthe2ndfloor?I'donlyconcussmyragingbone-on.Cutmythroat?Withanelectric-razor?Nohemptohangnorpistoltoperforate,so...poison?Hell,I'malreadyalmostmoribundfromthedeadly-nightshadeofdunderheaddenial.TurntheTVonloudsoitdrownsShan'sscreamsasItakethetemptanttemperamentalwill-he,nill-he?No,tooshaminglyamateur—anyhalf-cock'dcreepcanrape.DismallyaMomentofTruthsofaceit,fool!Thedelicatepreyhaseludedyoubefore—everinquisitionalbutnothingnew,you'vegotscarsalloveryourid-egoassouvenirsofboy-lostbattles.Besides,thisput-downlittlefrazzle-brainprobablywouldn'tevenknowhowtoputhispenisintoyourmouth—oraddle-pateddickwouldn'tknowwhattodowhenhegotthere.Sochalkituptosadexperience,plasteraGoodLosersmileonyoursillypuss,givethenugatoryknuckleheadabuckforhistimeandbidhimanunfondadieu.Betterlucknexttimewithsomeotherweepuppy-dogwhoknowshistailwagsinfront!MournfullyIliftwearylidsofresignedeyesto...tosee...tobeholdShanstandingbare-assbeforeme,wickedgrinonhischocolate-relic'dmouth.SuffusedwithecstaticconsternationIcry:"Baby-love,whatisthis—isthatreallyyou?!”"Ain'tnobuddyelsean'Iisanudist—didn'tyouknow?”No,Ididn't—whydoesn'tsomebodyevertellmethesethings!Myheatedgazeembracesglowingpinkperfection:tinyboy-nipletsbeigelyerect,navelaconcavemoonstonenestlinginsatinflesh,silky-smoothhairlesspubissucrosepathtothegem'dloins,aggressivepenistingerthrustingoutlikeastiffthumb—gimmearide,mister?ButtonspoppingItearoffmyclothes,sweepbeatitudeofboyintobed,intomyarms,curledhalfontomychest,profferoflushlipsforfrenziedkisses,onesweatyhandbetweenhotyoungthighsfondlingfelicity,tremulouswhisperagainstwetlittlemouth:"Haveyoueverbeenwithamanbefore?”"Idon'tjisteggzacklyremember,mister.”"Don'tcrapme,sweetteasling—youeverbeeninbedwithanyoneelsebefore?”"Sure!IwasinbedwithmyMommawhenIgotbornedmadeherhoppin'mad'causeIcomeoutfeetfirst.”"Oh,myuntouch'dbeautiful,Iadoreyou—youevensmelllikeachocolate-coveredcherry!”"Thassyourfault,mister—Iisgonnabeburpin'chockluttillnextTuesday!”H'm,wonderwhatShan-flavor'dchocolatewouldtastelike?Foodforthought.Myhungryfingerscaressingsmallmeat-ballssimmeringinrichsperm-sauce,Ipausetoconjectureifthere'sHoneyintheHorn.Feverishqueryagainstweedrippingtongue:"Canyougivemilkyet?”"No,notthewhitestuffbutIgetali'lstickywhenIfoolaroun'downthere.”

PraisetheLordandPasstheSemenition!IfNectar'dmucuscomes,canAmbrosiabefarbehind?Shan'scockarrogant,now,demandingrelief,andmyardenthandtightensaboutthewarmmoistlove-spear,frictionsslowly,gentlyuntilmywantondarlingsquirmscloserintomyembrace,bitesmyear,murmurs:"Gofaster!"CravingintenserintimacyIattempttoslipdown,godownondownylittlebed-warmerbuttheboy'surgentarmsrestrainme:"No,no,keepyourhanddownthere—Iisgittin'thefeeling!"MyfistablurofspeednowasIravishtheyoungmouthwithviolenceofkisses,fascinatedwatchthelad'seyesbecomeheavy-lidded,featuresslackenwithparadisepleasure,breathquicken,sighnsandsinbolsofimminentbliss...rubfaster,fasteruntilsuddenlyShan'slipswritheagainstmineasIfeelthesweetspasmsshudderthroughhim,feelawetnessonmyfingers,plungedowntolickupseveralcrystaldropsandasinglepearlytearIstripoutofthestillthrobbingboy-glans.Youngstersmilesdownatme,tweaksmynose."Youwannahearsumpinfunny,mister?Iknowedwheremytailwasallatime!"CleverCupidwithhisbeau-and-errors!Eternallyhoodwinkedbychronicpuerhubris,Istillneverlearn—ifthere'sanidiotonthepremisesitisI,itisI,itisme!Ibear-hugdivinedeceiver,twitterassininities:"WillyoulovemeinDecemberasyoudoinMay?”"HowshouldIknow—IisneverbeeninMay.”Operativewordcombustsme."Fuck?You?CanI?Please?Oh,please!"Paradoxiedpetshovesbothhandsundermynose,palmsup,obviouslyitchingandIputa5-spotwithinthegreedypaws."Hitmeagain—youisgittin'acherry,y'know!"Secondfinjoinsitstwin,swiftflipflopofboy-body.Jesus,MaryinJoseph,sunandmooncollideforifI'veeverbeheldamorebellissimobottom'twasinfig-leav'dimagination.Theprivilegedprospectofpenetratingsohyperbolicabehindcocksmygunanew—Ifeeldouble-barreled,loadedforbare.DitheringwithunholeydelightIdescenduponass-I-callCorinthianClassical,pryaparttheroseatemounds,sinkmyfever'dfaceintosweetcleft,tongue-searchthetightpuckeravidtobelip-serviced,penis-kiss'd,lingeringlysavorthevestalportalsupreme.Cooingpleasure-sounds,Cupidonshovesuphardagainstmeaswet-slipperyIcaresshistinyhot-boxpulsantwithnew-foundpassion:"Oooh,thatfeelssogood!"BriefintermissionforessentialmechanicspreparatorytoArchimedeanscrew—inquireifShanisababy-oilboyoraKY-kid(myFirstLaidKit,everathand,containsallthePenetrationParaphernaliabearingtheGoodHousekeepingSealofDisapproval).Sapientsaplingsays:"Sincegittin'broke-in'ssuretohurtmemore'nyou,Iwantyoushouldgimmealocalanustheticplease,mister."OK,aninfusionofglycerineplusnovocainefortendercherriesandyouwon'thardlyfeelathing—tillit'stoolate.LovinglyIapplyslathersofnumbinggooinoutuparoundSefloritoAssholito,littleLatinfromStaten."YouallsetfortheBigOpening,baby-boo?"Iasksolicitously.Theboyturnsafacefurrowedwithlast-minutedoubts."Uh,mister,how'boutIgiveyour10bucksbackan'wejistcallthewholethingoff?”"Oh,Shan,no!Mycockwoulddiefromtheshock.Tellyouwhat—asabonusyoucanhave

therestofthat5-poundboxofcandy.”"Whutrest?Idoneateitall!”"Godamercy!This'sthefirsttimeIevermadelovetoapiglet!Alrightalready,I'llbuyyouanother5-pounder,OK?”"OK,butIwantRosemariedeParischocklutsthistimenotthatol'Woolworthjunk.”"Ouch!That'satotalof$35foronepossiblysecondhandcherry!I'mbeginningtowonderifit'sworthit.”"Look,mister,Iknowadozenguyswouldselltheirwivestogettacrackatmyfreshfruitcocktail!”"Enough,sugar-tit,Iwassoldfromthestart.Battendownyourhatchesandpreparetobeboarded!”IkneeloverShanwhilesurprisinglyhefinger-forceshisblushingloavesagapeformyeasefulentry,spreadshisthighswide,braceshimselfformyassault.Positioningmyrapaciousscrewdriveradrooloverthetreatlaidoutforhim,Igentlyrubhisswollenheadagainstthetight-furledboy-bud.Tinkleofsopranotittersfrommytwitchingpartner:"Dothatsomemoreitticklesthemost!"Idoitsomemoretogigglysquigglybeneathmeandamjustonthepointofbreachingbeauteousbubchen-breechwhentheresoundsafusilladeofknocksonthedoor:House-detective'srap,Iknowitwell.Exteriorgrowl:"Youinroom213—yougottawomaninthere?!”"OnlyaBoy!"Iinsultedyellback,"sogetlostorI'llsueyouforDisturbingthePiece!”P.S.—Don'tnevermakeboy-loveonStaten,theIsleof.Theydon'tbustyouforBuggerythere—justfordouble-occupancyofasingleroom.

22.HowtoBrushFuzzoffyourJump-SuitThoughtheloverofladsneverneedsavasectomy,whichcanpainfultheoffendedtesticles,heusuallyhastobeadouble-jointedacrobatswingingonamadtrapezebetweenboy-heavenandfuzz-hellandifyouinsistonloving'bad'boysorlovingboysbadly,atleastonceinyourlifeyou'regoingtosufferaneye-to-eyeballconfrontationwithahunkofcoppolawhichwillusuallyoccursuddenlyifnotunexpectedly—andifyou'retheaveragerespectablelaw-abidingmaleyourtoeswillcurlinyouroverpricedFloorsheimsandyourheartwillbeeitherinyourmouthordowntheretryingtojoinyouralarmednutstomakeafurtivethree's-a-crowd.However,thisunderstandablepanicwilllastonlyafewsecondssodon'tloseyourhead,upperorlower—hanginthereandtoughitout'causetheoldadrenalinsoonwillcometotheaidofallgoodmen.Shouldyoudiscoverfuzzonyourdoormat,don'tlettheminunlessyou'reshownasearch-warrantandexaminethedocumentcarefullytodeterminepreciselywhatitcovers—theGestapomaybehuntingonlyforrenegadeRepublicansorrunawaytomboys,thoughforconvenience'sakethey'dlovetoseeallhomos,actualorsuspected,conspicuouslydisplayapinktriangleastheywereforcedtodoinNaziGermany.Evenifyougetcaughtwithsomecutekid'scockmassagingyourtonsils,nevervolunteeranyinformationbeyondyourname(PeterBrown),yourrank(Boy-LoverFirst-Class)andyourserialnumber(eitherSocialInsecurityorthedigitsfromyourmug-shotatSanQuentin,Leavenworthorwhateverhoosegowhospitalitiedyou).Beclam-mouth'dbutphysicallycooperativeforthefuzzhaveallthefirepower—nottomentionnight-sticks,thumbscrews,handcuffsandotherpersuaders.Don'tinsultthegendarmerieeither—evenadirtyoldsowresentsbeingcalledapig.BepoliteandlikePresidentLyndonB.JohnsonwhenheyankedouthisColt.45andsaid:'Letusreasontogether',trytoestablishrapportwiththeofficer,tellinghimyourealizehe'sonlydoinghisdutyintryingtoenforceastupidlawenactedbydumb-asslegislatorswhoattempttoimposetheirfishyheterosex-styleonallandsundry.Andwhoknows?!Perhapsthecopisaboy-fancierhimselfandmerelywantstoscareawaythecompetition.IfnothingavailsthenallowtheCossacktoescortyoutothestation-houseandifyoucanaffordit,promptlyphoneyourlawyerwhodoubtlessisashysterevenScottissuewouldshun,butforagrandortwohecanprobablygetthechargeagainstyoureducedfromHighwaySodomytoImpairingtheMoralWelfareofaMinorinaBroom-closet.Ifworstcomestoprisonworst,youjustmightbymistakebesenttotheWarwickTrainingSchoolforBoyswherethejuviedelinqsthereinwillbeonlytoohappytocontributetothedelinquencyofanadult.ThoughIeverstrivetopractisewhatIpreach,inarecenttopsy-turvyincidentIdidgetatrifleburr-ass'dwiththePolizeiasIwassomewhatpollutedfromMadhattanairandaFifthofFourRoses—giftfromafriendwhoisheterobuthuman.IwasdownonTimesSquareseekingasliceofimpromptuimproprietywhenIglimpsethisyoungstersurelyonthesunnysideof13withgambogelocks,amethysteyesandabigTorRent'grinonhisgaminface.Adouble-takeconfirmsthathe'sverilyaNescafélad—justaddscalding-hotdesireandstir,hehashisowncreamandsugar.Approachinghim,I'mjustonthepointofutteringanunspeakabaleproposalwhenhelilts:"Hi,myname'sBonney—youwannascore?”

"Hey,I'ms'posedtoaskyouthat!”"SoIaskedfirstincaseyouwasbashfulorfromoutatown.""Sohowmuch?Andbreakittomegently—mywallethasaweakheart.”"Fifteensmackersan'worthahunderd,easy.”"Whatdoyoudo,praytell?”"Anythingyoucando,Icandobetter.”EagerlyyetwithagroanIcountout14one-dollarbills,threequarters,twodimesandanickelwhichBonneyswiftlysecretesinapants-pocketsecuredbyahugesafety-pin,slipshisgrubbypawinmineand…Andaheavyhanddescendsonmyshoulderspinningmearoundtostareatanevilly-gleamingbadgeandtheplainclothes-dickholdingit,myyoungcompanionvanishingfasterthananicicleuptheDevil'sass-hole.(Bonney—wasn'tthatthelastnameofBillytheKid?!)Iwinceattherougharm-locksuddenlyapplied."Comewithme!"thefuzzrasps."Why?”"Moralscharge.”"Idon'tunderstand—amIchargedwithhavingmorals?""Sexualsolicitationofaminor.”"Oh,man,havealittlepity!FortwoweeksIwentwithoutlunchtobeabletoleaseasportingladforanhourortwo—andthenyoucomesneakingup!”"That'swhatyougetforbeingcareless.”Ipeercloselyatmyopponent.He'syoungandnotunhandsome(must'vebeenaWhiz-bangitemat12orso),appearscollegiate,nottoohard-nosedandperhapsevenvulnerabletoalogicalessay."Officer,I'mthesolesupportofanagedparent.”"Proveit.”"I'vealsogotalovingwifeand...uh,sixbeautifullittlegirls.""You'reeitheraliarorabisexual—nohelp.”"IhavemanypowerfulfriendsatCityHall.”"Nameone.”"Damnit,why'reyouhasslingme!?Idon'tbotheryouandforallIknow,yourbagisnine-year-oldfemalesinpinaforesandpigtails.”

"IfitisIdon'tgetcaughtatit.”"CanIhelpitifIlikeboys?IwasbornintheGayNineties.""Youlookit.”"Listen,Ineveruseforceorviolenceorharddrugsonakid.Isimplyenterintoanon-destructiveintimaterelationshiptoourmutualbenefit—everythingsweetnessandlightand'canyoustayallnight,baby?'.”"Skiptheself-servingpropaganda.”"DoyouthinkI'mdebasingmyselfbypickingupaboyordemeaningtheboybecauseIfindhimallthatisdesirable?""TellittotheJudge.”"SincewhenmustJusticewaitonJudges?!”"Youknow,I'veoftenwonderedaboutthatmyself.”"Look,iftheEstablishmentwasstrictlyHomoandourpositionswerereversed,I'dbidyouGoodLuckandLadspeed.""Ibetyousaythattoallthecops.”"Doesitmakeyoufeelproudtohaulinamanolderthanthiscentury?”"It'sreallytheSanitationDepartment'sjobbutthey'reshort-handed.”"IsthereaQueer-quotayouhavetofill—dragin10fagsadayoryou'llbepoundingabeatinthesticksattheass-endofnowhere?”"No,butitsoundslikeagoodidea.”"Whythehelldon'tyougoafterthepimpsintheirpinkminkcoatsandpurpleCadillacs?They'retherealvillainsofthesex-scene.”"Well,see,they'reusuallyyoung,strong,armedandfightback.”Whattodonow?Iconsiderpassiveresistance—draggingmyfeet,clingingdesperatelytoalamp-post,yelling'PoliceBrutality!'andappealingforaidfromthepassers-by.Um,Iguessnot—thepassers-byarealleitherblackorillegalaliensandneithergivesacoldshitaboutelderlyWASPAmericans.Andwhere'smybonnyweeBonney,thelittlerat?!Probablyspendingmyhard-saved15bucksonhisbosom-buddyandlaughingatthesuckerthatgothooked.Inthegloamingtheprecinct-houseloomsshabbybutsinister,fuzzthickasfliescluster'daboutit.Wearrive,arejustabouttomountthestepswhenasmallfiguredashesup,wavinganofficial-lookingpaper.It'sBonney,bigaslifeandtwiceassassyandhewinksatmeasheshovesthepaperunderneathmycaptor'snose:"Here,Iforgottoshowthistoyou!"Thecopreadsit,snorts,swearsunderandoverhisbreath,releasesme."You'refree—getthehelloutaherewhileyoucanstillwalk!”

Rubbingmyarms,Iexclaim:"DidthatsweetchildgetaWritofHabeasCorpus?”"No,thelittlerunt'sgotaStreet-Vendor'sLicense—datedlastSunday!”

23.CaucasianOrientation

EastisEast&WestisWest&EvertheTwainShallMeat.

MostOrientalsaresoeffinginscrewtablethatIrarelywastecruising-timeonthem,MingToyexcepted.Ming(calledToy-Toyinthevernacular)isChineseandmoreAlmondJoythanLemon-hued.Hewasstarch-boyintheNanky-PooLaundly(notickee,nowashee)butwhenhispersonalstarchmanifesteditselfinhisagilechopstickatage12,Toy-Toypromptlyenteredanotherprofession(tax-free)wherethecatchwordis:Nopayee,notlickee—andwithalhe'smostgratefultoliveintheUnitedStatesasheisfullyawarethatifhepeddledhislittlelitchi-nutsinhishome-townofSukwonOolong,hewouldbeshotatson-riseforantisexualhanky-panky.Inadditiontopossessingstraightblackhair,crookedblackeyesandabentstyleofdeportment,thisaccidentalunOccidentalhasarumpyou'dlovetoShanghai,aYangtzecockclearlyvisiblethoughhissheerPeekinshortsandacatercorner'dwayofcoveringtheshortestdistancebetween2points—hismouthandhiscustomer'sprickorass,asthemoodmaybe.Heoffersadeluxelineinblow-jobs,blissfullyelevatingyoutoaHighTorofscreamingecstasyfromwhichyouleisurelydescendtoadeliciouslethargyandhecanMaoTse-Tongueyourheavinganuswithsuchchowmeinfinessethatyou'dbetyourbottomdollarToy-Toy'slongslendermouth-organwasslipp'ryslurpingyourpurringprostate-gland!Yes,Confucius,didyouhaveaquestion?DoChineseboys'fun-holesruncrosswise?Notquite.Toy-Toy'stinyslitrunsmoreNorthwestbySoutheastbutIlubricatehimwithsoy-sauceandhumphimonthediagonalandweorientperfectlyexceptthatmyleftballcomplainsthateventhoughhedoesmostoftheworkandsupplies85%ofthesemenrequired,heiseverbeingcrushedtodeathbetweenhislazytwin-brotherandToy-Toy'srightbuttock—butIdon'tpayLeftynomindasthatcantankerouslittlebastardisalwaysgripingaboutsomethingandconfidentiallyIthinkit'sjustacaseofplainoldsibling-jealousy.

24.Misconceptions

RideacockhorseToBunburyCross-

AndyougetfiveyearsIfHorsieisunder16.

OneLaddyLuckafternoonIchancedon12-year-oldDamianwhowasrootinginagold-platedgarbage-canonParkAvenuenear60thStreetwhererichbitcheswalkpedigreedsons-ofbitchesinthesimoleonsunshine.Ialmostpassedtheyoungsterbyashewassodirty-facedIdidn'timmediatelydescrythatthegrimemaskedanethereallycomelycountenancemoresexilydesirablethanNelsonRockefeller'sinheritedthoughnotmeritedtreasure-trove.Itooktheboyhometomy'EfficiencyApartment'whichisjustrental-agentscrew-sellforonesuper-expensivesmallroom,mini-bathandkitchenettesomini-minithatwhenIstandatthedoll-housestovemyassisintheliving-room.IfeedDamianawholeFrankPurdueroast-chickenwithfixings(despitethefactthatacutechickeneatingcaponissheercannibalism),bubble-bathhim,Beauty-resthimwhereheproveseagerlyamenabletomywildestyearnings,forIamwhirligiggedbyhisrefulgentresponsiverectumwhichwelcomesmyperfervidpistonwithsuchtightlyslicksmoothreciprocating-actionthatIexplode3timesin30minuteswithoutoncelimpeningorwithdrawing.(GuinnessBookofWorldRecords,areyoulistening?)Whilewerest,theladconfidesthathehasrunawayfromPlains—nottheGeorgiaPlainsofpeanutshell-shockedJimmyWhozit?buttheGreatPlainsoutDakotaway.HehasapparentlyleftHomeSourHomeunderacloud(Neverdarkenmydooragain!—ordoesthatpertainonlytounwedmothers?)andthoughhegivesnodetailshere,Iassumehehadbeenplayingthedouble-backedbeastwithaneighborlassandgotcaughtwithhispantsdown.However,laterheremarkedthathehatedgirls'causethefirstandonlytimehefuckedoneherpussyscratchedtheBejeasusoutofhistomcataifrontery.Tomakeashortstorylonger,beforeIknowitIamsosickwithlovefordelightsfulDamianthatIcan'teat,sleeporworkandI'mconstipated—soIgulpquartsofPerfidiaE.Pinkham'sVegetableCompoundwhichiss'posedtocureMaleComplaintsbutallitdoesformeisgetmytonguestuckinthebottle-neck.NeverthelessIquicklyrecoverwhenIdiscoverthatmaladiedthoughImightbe,Ineverfeltbetterinmylife!Alas,everyrosehasitsthorn,everybuddingbloomahostilebeewithinitspetalstostingthelifeoutofyournosewhenyoubutseektosentimentallysniffromanticfloralfragrance.ThatnightDamiancrawlsintomybed,intomyarmsandmournfuls:"Idon'tknowhowthehellcomebutI'mintheFamilyWay.”Apregnantsilence,thenthunderstruckIcanonlymind-fragmentedgasp:"Butdon'tyoutakethePill?!”"Whatpill?Itakeyou,don'tI—andyou'retheonlypillIknow!”

Oh,Christ,hedoesn'ttakethePill!Whydidn'thetellmethefirsttimeheletmein—Icould'vedouchedhimwithNo-KnockGasorusedaTrojanthoughIhate3inabed.Butwaitaminutehere!Boysdon'tneedthePilloranyothercontraceptivebecausetheyaren'tbodilyconstructedtoconceive...orcantheybealtered?Thesedaysthebluddymedical-surgicalwizardsareeffectingsomanymonstrousmiraclessuchaschangingfemalesintomales,completewithcocks,ormetamorphiditingmenintoshe-assesthatyouneverknowwhatinBlueHadesthey'llcomeupwithnext.CouldIhaveknockedmyli'ldarlinkup?Isthispossiblenowthatwe'reharassedbytheUnisexUnethic?IsincerelyhopenotforI'dhatetoinflictmyfaceandsodomicmetabolismonsomehelplessbabe,expeciallythepricklytype.Still,inallmodestyImustconfessthatwhileIwasahopelessdunceatconjugatinginschool,inladsIampluperfect—orsomyleeringlove-muscleinformsme,lickinghisstickychops,thoughnaturallythelittlemalesinvolvedgenerallyhaveadiametricallyoppositeopinion.DazedlyIgazeatsupineDamian,hisfacedolorous,hishandsbehindhishead,hiswhangdoodleatHighNoonandinvitational.Nowhebringshiskneesup,spreadinghislegsandIglimpsejustateensybitofhispeekabooanus—isittheTenderTrapthathascaughtthiscarelessrat?FearfullyIinspecttheboy'sbellybutit'sreassuringlyfirm,smoothandevenflatterthanmywallet.Also,Iknowforafactthattheonlymorning-sicknesshehasispunchingmeawakeat4:30amtocarryhimtotheloosohecanministertohisleaksomeneeds.Nordoeshehaveanoverwhelmingcravingforstrangeandexoticfoods–hemerelydemandsfiletmignonthreetimesaday,medium-rare.Andhecan'thavestoppedmenstruatingevenifhe'dbegunbecausehecouldn'tcommenceinthefirstplace—orcouldtheoddlad,perhapstinkeredwithbyamadscientist,beabletomenstruateinternally?!Oh,thisisallutternonsense!Thechildcan'tbeenceinte...orshouldImaybetakehimtotheMaternityClinictohavehiswee-weerabbit-tested(Pissinthebottle,dear!)?Butifthekidissproutingafetus,amInecessarilythefather?Justtoexperiment,hashebeenfoolingaroundwithartificialinseminationorsomesuch?Hasheborrowedacoupleovariesfromsomedamntwatandstuckthemuphisbum?Hashedeliberatelygottenabuninhisovenjusttospiteme?Orcouldsomeoneelsehavebeenhumpinghim?Well,no...he'slivedwithmeforthreemonthsandhadnoopportunityforextrafuckicularactivities—oristhegestation-periodinaboylongerthaninafemale?Jeez,I'mgoin'NUTS!Firstthingsfirstinanyemergency,soafterI'vegivensquirming,pantingDamianhiseveningde-creaming(youhavetomilklittleboy-cowsfrequentlyortheirswollenuddersbecomepainful),Icaresshisupperapple-cheeksandquaver:"Sugar-titsy,whatmakesyouthinkyou'repregnant?”Ladlingturnsonmeavisagereddeningwithoutrage."Areyououtofyourmidget-mind,man?IneversaidIwasanysuchthing!”"Youdid,too!NotanhouragorighthereinthisbedyoutoldmeyouwereintheFamilyWay!”"Oh,that!"Theboywavesanairyhand."Yeah,IdidsaythatbutIguessyoudon'tunderstand

Englishtoogood,doyou?”BlushinglyIadmitIjustbarelysqueakedthroughhigh-schoolwiththehelpofahornyPrincipalwhowascome-and-goneonmyaffableass—butI'mmosttalentedatboybody-English!Damianpullsavinegar-pussatmeandpursues:"Well,see,whatImeanttherebuthaftaexplain'causeyou'resoiggorant,wasthatwhenIlivedinPeeAir,SouthDakota,Ijustcouldn'tseemtogetalongwithmyfolks.LikeI'daskmyDadtoplaySpanishCheckerswithmeandhe'dbark:'Don'tpesterme,I'mtryingtofinishacrossword-puzzle.'SoI'dtrytohelpmyMomwiththesupper-dishesandshe'dyell:'Getoutofhere,butterfingers,youbreakmoredishesthanwe'vegot!'ThenI'dgotomysloppyBigSisterandaskifshe'dlikemetocleanouthermessydrawersandshe'dscream:'Getlost,yourandylittlecreep—gotoyourroomandplaywithyourselforsomething!'SolastI'dgotomybastardBigBrotherandbeghimtotakemeforaspininhiscarwhichIkeptwashedandpolished,andhe'dsnarl:'Dropdead,runt—howthehellcanIpickupaput-outpigwithasnotnoselikeyoualong!'Youdigmenow,ol'Duke?”"PoorDamian!"Icondole."Nobodyappreciatesyoubutme.”"Yeah,man,andthat'swhyIhauledass—nomatterhowniceItriedtobe,Iwasalwaystoofriggin'muchintheFamilyWay!”

25.UptightLittleIsleOh!tobeinEnglandnowthatSpringishereandhereisSpringandI'minEngland-geographically,notanally.Ididn'tsailtheoceanbluetoseetheChangingoftheGuard(nodiapersinvolved)norBigBen(BabyBen'smoremyyen)noreventheBoyReserves—they'resoprimlyreservedyoucan'tevenreservethem!WhatledmetoBritanniawasprimarilytoinvestigateWildeOscar'soldhauntssuchasClevelandStreetanditsaccomodatingkid-messengersandtomuseonOW'sconvictionforsodomywhichincitedblowsywhorestodanceinthestreetsandcausedlittlejoy-boystodeprivedlyweep—forwherenowisBliss?AlsoIdesiredtotestthecogency—bypersonalcontactiffeasible—ofWilde'sjudgementalcommentthat:

Englishladsbyfarareeasilythebest-Sowho'dgiveatwo-pennyfuckfortherest?!

thoughlaterOscarwroteevenmoreglowinglyabouttheboulevard-boysofParis...butwhoamItodoubtthetasteofthemostfamousQueenofEngland?SoIarrivedinLondonbulgingwithGreatExpectationsonlytolandintheworstpea-souperfogsincethatotherqueen,Victoria,hangedDisraeliforrevealingthathergrandson,theDukeofClarence,wastongue-deepinthetoothsomebritchesofteen-ageNavalCadets.Itaxitoahotelwherethesceneryvastlyimproves,forthepagewhoshowsmetomyroomisanEnglishmuffinoftenderpre-pubertalsummers,blondassunshineandrainbow'dinaredpill-boxcapwithstrap'neathhisdimpledchin,brass-buttonedbluebum-freezerjacketandrose-goldpantssoskin-tightthathisperkygenitalsandbounteousbottomstandoutincameobeauty.Everabookishperson,there'snothingthatsendsmemorethantoturnoverathrillingpageortwosoItiptheweebell-hoplavishlythentipuphispertmugtoquaffakissfromhislips—butlittleButtonsshrinksawayfrommesofearfullyyou'dthinkIwasLizzieBordenindrag."AreyoufromTransylvania?"hetremble-trebles?"I'mfromtheDisunitedStatesthatyourKingGeorgetheTurdlostataTea-Party.”"ThankGod!ForamomentthereIthoughtyouwereDracula'sgrand-daddy,aimingformythroat.”"Dearchild,myaimsarefarmorelowdown.”"Isay!Areyouthesortofblokewhobelievesthatwhateverisgonedownonmustcomeup?”Trustinghiscockisn'tasclippedashisaccent,Ireply:"I'mguiltyasheavenlyhellinthatrespectsokindlylistthedishyitemsavailableonyourbodilymenu—nomatterhowstiffthecover-charge.”"I'mnotsureIgraspyourmeaning,sir.”"You'reaLoveforSaleladifeverIsawonesopermitmetogetyououtofthatridiculous

clown-suitandontoyondercouchtotripthelightbumbasstic.”Theyounglingmakesamoueofregret."Indeed,sir,I'dlovetotakeonaYankforIhearthey'retop-hole...butIambespokentoanother.”"AreyouaBishop'ssweetfollyoraDeacon'sdelight?”"Ohno,sir—organisedreligionistoopainfullyboring.""Well,trulyyourbeautyisworthyofthePrinceofWales...uh,ishegoodinbed?”"Charlesisstraightasaskeleton'sbone-on,poorchap!Alas,I'mmortgagedtotheDirectorofPublicProsecution.Hehassomethingonme-besideshimself,thatis."Theboyblushesprettily."InasmuchasyourlittlewellhasalreadybeendrilledthencomeSingCuckoowithme,"Ientice,"forwhattheDPPdoesn'tknowwillneverhurtus.”"Ooh,Iwouldn'tdaretotakeyouin,sir—he'dsmellyouonme!”"AreyouimplyingthatIstink?!”"Notatall,sir,buttheDirectorhasanoselikeabloodhoundandspieseverywhere.However,ifheshouldsuddenlybecomemorgue-boundIshallbewhollyatyourdisposal.It'sbeensimplyrippingconversingwithyou,sir...Cheerio!"Andkissinghishandtomeinalewdgesture,theboysmilinglymakeshisexitleavingmemiredinamorassofchagrin.EitherthekidletistheSoulofTruthorhe'sadeptinevasivediplomacyandtheArtofPreservingCherries.ThenextdayisfoglessandinbackofSt.Paul'sbehindIamaccostedbyaCockneynipperwhoannouncesthathebelongstotheBoyReservessowouldIliketoreservehimforthenexthourortwo?Sincehe'sdelicateoffeaturewithabellofiguroandapipingtreblesexyasstatutoryrape(maleminor-type),Iaskpreciselywhataretheserviceshesupplies.Weegubbinsdeclaresthatforthreeandsixpencehewillwankmeoffwhilehewhistles'GodSodtheQueen!'andforapound-notehe'llgoallthewayandbackagainaslongasit'sinfrontforhisarsebelongstoJesus.Apartbeingbetterthanawholenothing,IaccompanytheurchinthroughasuccessionofnoisomealleysuntilfinallywithtrepidationinquiringwheretheDevilhe'stakingme.HedivulgesthathehasabedinClaphamCommonandhesnickerssolewdly,VDly(?)thatIassumehe'sAWOLfromsometertiary-stagegenito-urinaryclinic—whichunpleasingprospectscaresmesolimpIforthwithdecampafterexplainingthatIjustrecalledapreviousengagementwithastraight-shootingchoirboyinWinchesterCathedral.InaparkbesidealakeIzeroinonadark-hairedladalltatteredandtornandwiththeonion-stenchofstalesweatabouthim,yethisfaceremindsofPierrotsandPuttiandhiscrotchdisplaysanoptimumbulge—butbeforeIcanmakemypitchhenudgesmeintheribsandsays:"Youseethatgoosedownthereinthelake?”"Goose?”

"She'smybird—Islamher3or4timesaday,reg'lar.Coo!It'ssmashin'!Youeverscrewagoose,guv'nor?”"No,thoughwhenIwasabout10aneighbor-boyintroducedmetohen-humpingbutIhadtolayoffbecausemyprickviolentlyobjectedtogettingeggonhisface.”"Geese'rebetter—niceandlooseandtheyhonkgorjuswhenyouslipittothem.”"Youeversex'ditupwithmen,Ihope?”"Effingno!That'druinmyreppytashun!"Andtheraffishragamuffinproceedsverboselytoboastthathe'sarunawayfromanApprovedSchool,aBorstalinSussexandaRemandHomeandatthisverymomentScotlandYardislookinghighandlowforhim—inGlasgow.Wearyofthejuveniletriple-runaroundI'mgetting,pointblankIofferthesweetsmellybraggarttwoguineastogotomyhotelwithmeforbath,board,andbed."Buggeroff,mate—I'mtruetomybird!"Andthenixypixyscootsdowntothelakewherehebeginscrooningtohisfeather'dinamorata.Stupidkidisignorant.Hisbelovedgooseisaswan—andmaleatthat!Fumingaway,myeyeiscaughtbyapubnamedTheGoldenAsswhichcertainlyoughttobeahangoutforhigh-pricedboyswillingtosellwhattheysiton,soIenter.Noyoungflesh-merchantsbutthefirstman-faceIseebelongstooneAndrewPleris,anoldacquaintanceanddevoutboysexual—alsoaturncoatLimeyworkingfortheIrishRepublicanArmyasweekendterrorist."Andy!"Ihail,ploppingdownathistable."YoustillmakinglikeGuyFawkes?”"Lumme!"sayshe,extendingacorpse-clammyhand,"I'mTomFoolintheflesh.FortwomonthsI'vebeentryingtoblowupBuckinghamPalacebutthegunpowderBelfastsendsmeisdamp,thematcheswon'tlightandthefusesaresolidasbestos.”"You'rewastingyourtime—there'llalwaysbeanEngland!”"NotifIrelandcanhelpit.”"Irelandispowerless.GodisanEnglishmanandtakescareofHisown.”"Sothat'swhat'swrongwithHim—I'veoftenwondered.""Ontheotherhand,ofcourse,maddogsandEnglishmengointothemid-dayson.”"Notanymore,theydon't.Youstillgottheboy-bug?""Morethanever!How'sTrixwithyou?”"Theperishin'kidleftmeforSirChinstonWurchill,gotcheesedoffwithChinston'seternalcucumbersandwichesandbecamealook-outforasmash-and-grabganginBermondsey,gotbustedandisnowinSquirmwoodRubbswherehe'smaking..£50adayaschiefbum-boy.”

"IalwaysknewthatkidwouldmaketheBigTime,"Ienthuse,"forhe'sthegoodold-fashion'dtypewhoalwaysgivesyouquoproquid..Ah,wherearetheboysofyesteryearthatBun-buryRabidsomwrotesopink-holelyabout?!”"They'reallinTangierandpointsEast,punkingforoilyArabs.”"TheDeclineoftheWest.Believeitornot,I'vebeenintheBigSmokebarelytwodaysandgotthebrush-offthreetimes!"Thesterlingoldvaluesarevanishing.Women'sLib,theSignoftheFish,istakingoverandbrainwashingtheyoungestgeneration.”"ByHeaven,it'saCrimeagainstNature!"Iseethe."Why,IcanrememberwhentheSonneversetontheBridishEmpiah'causehewastoobusylaying!NowallthelikelylittleJohnBullocksareeitherinjailorabroad.”Plexislaysapowder-stain'dforefingeralongsidehisship's-prownoseandclosesoneblearyeye."Ahnow,friend,'tisnotyetsobadasallthat,doncherknow.Tellyouwhat,I'llgiveyousomecluestoconcupissantkiddiesifyou'llspringforameal.Frankly,Idon'thavetuppencetorubtogether.”"Byallmeans!Eat,eatandreveal.”Andysummonsthewaiterwhoisafrowsyoldfrump(bornandchristenedHermanbuttransvestitedtoHermione)withhenna'dhairandadirtypinkpetticoatforanapron."Hermie,luv,bringmeapintofbitter,beansontoast,fish'n'chipsandalargebubble-&-squeak."IshudderatthemenuasearthyHebepirouetteselephantlyoff,scratchinghisskirtedposterior."Iknow,"Plexisshrugs."Thebeerwillbepiss-warm,beansontoastisanabomination,fish'n-chipsisshark-meatanddeep-friedcardboardandI'dratherforgetabouttheB&S.”Whentheoffalappears,Istareinhorrorattheforgettablelastitemforit'snoisierthanEltonJohnandlooksworse.HermantheVerminputsapudgyclawonmythighandsmarms:"Andwhat'syourpleasure,dovey?"ItellhimI'dlikeahotSirLoinofBeefsandwichwithplentyofgravy—butHermorfyditegogglesshockedmascara'dorbsatmeasifI'dorderedpoach'dArchbitchopofCanterburyongrilledKotex."Ha!"criesPlexis,bubblesfrothingfromhismouth,"theonlyprimeloinofbeefinBritaintodayisinaboy'sshorts—ifyoucancorraltheboy!”"Sogive!"Igrate."Havesomemorebeer—itmightloosenyourtongue."Thebrewshortlyarrives—agallonofpints,thefoamstillindentedbyanepicenethumb."Well,now,"burpsAndrew,wipinghislips,"paycloseattentiontothepearlsofwisdomI'mabouttoimpart.First,don'tgetcaughtwithyourpantsdownonHumpsteadHeathasyou'llbearrestedsureasshit—notforsodomiticintentbutforsartorialdisarray.”"That'sawarningnotaclue.”

"Patience!Ifyouavoidthepratfallsyou'rehalfwayhome.AndstayawayfromPriccadillyCircus—itusedtobePalefacePickupParadisebutnowtheyoungstersallgoforThirdWorlders.Ifyou'renotblackyou'renowhere.”"NowIknowwhatKiplingmeantby'TheWhiteMan'sBurden'!"Imoan."ButwhataboutEton?I'veheardit'sliterallyaGardenofEatin'.”"Yea,verilyaFeastfortheGodsandtheEtonBoatingSongisstill

Littleboysarecheaptoday,Cheaperfarthanyesterday-

ButPeterBottom'sthebestesttrickBecausehe'sgotan8-inchprick!

butthedamnplaceisalsoanultraclass-consciousclosed-societywherethebluddylittlesnobssharetheirgoodiesonlywiththeirpeersandthepeerage.EarlscanblowthemandDukesscrewthembutalousyColoniallikeyouhasn'tgotarat'schance.”"Canitbe?!"Iwail."Why,justrecentlyagoodfriendofminemetadelightfulHarrowfourth-formerwholethimplowhissweetlittlefurrowsooftenthanheranoutofseedandbenthisblade!”"Thentheboywastherareexceptiontotheruleanddoubtlessastatus-rebel.”"Doesthishorrendousdecadenceextendtoprivateprep-schools,too?”"Unspeakabledegenerationrifethereaswell,I'mafraid.True,thosesublimehavensarespillingoverwithdemocraticyoungAdamspubertallyAbeltoraiseCainbutthegrunchyHeadmastersandInstructorsthereofhavegotthestriplingsallsewed-up—they'vecorneredthemarket,youunderstand.Ifapupilbendsoverforhispedagoguehegetsanautomatic'A'inhisworstsubject.”"Damnit,Plexis,youkeeptellingmewhatIcan'tget!ChristknowsI'mnotfinicky—I'lltakealmostanylittlethingthatcomesmywaysogivemeapositivelead.”"Well,IknowaretiredLordChiefJusticewhokeepsaredheadedboyinGoldersGreenandforamodestsuminthreefiguresthisillegalignoblewillgiveyoudibsonthekidwhoisbarely10andenjoyshiswork.”"Thanksdeadmuchbutforgetit—I'mallergictocarrot-topsandIresentthegeneralattitudeherethatanAmerican'sonlyvirtueisthedollarsheleavesbehind!”"Mydearchap,nothingpersonalwasintended,Iassureyou!AndtodemonstratemygoodfaithIwillletyouinonaclosely-guardedsecretknownonlytomyself.Boy-hymensaboundontheMaidenheadRoad—that'swhereIfoundTrix!”Earlythefollowingmorning,Sunday,I'mtrudgingupanddowntheaforesaidroaddodgingmini-

carsalldrivingontheLeftwhichdoesn'tseemRight—notanonagespear-toterinsightthoughanoversupplyofover-upholsteredmatronsonmalebicyclesfromwhomIhastilyavertmyaffrontedgaze.Thenaslim,shining,bare-headed,bare-chestedteenlingonaMopedcomestootlingalongandstopswhenIcalltohim."Wotcher,mate!"hegreets."Youlostorjustblotto?”ImutterthatI'mlostinamorassofunassuageddesire,torelievewhichI'dappreciatetheprivilegeofdischarginghislittlespark-plug.Ladknitshissmoothbrowinpuzzlement."Wot'sthat,mate?"Idecidetobeexplicit."Easyrider,wouldyoubeinterestedinanelegantblow-jobdonetotheQueen'staste?”Ladblushesfrombrowtobelly-button."Getstuffed,youtattyoldtart—IgottadatewithIdiAmin!”SomuchforhopesofMopedpedication.IndarkestdespairIresumemyperegrinationswhenfromaroundabendthereroller-skateapproachesafarouchefaunletof10or11withcolumbineeyes,narcissusnose,hyacinthcheeks,lushmoistredmouthlikeacrimsontulipopeningtothedawn—andpantswithsnap-openflysohard-salamidelicatessen'dthatitsendsmyinseminatorintorigidfutureshock.Inshrillsopranothecrumpettrills:"Cherryripe!Cherrybright!Whowillbuymycherry?!”Hardlybelievingmystunnedears,Isprintuptohim."I'llbuy!I'llbuy!"Igasp,notevenaskingtheprice.Bathingmeinabigrip-offsmile,theyoungsterhaulsoutabottleofwithered,juicelessmaraschinocherries."Onlysixpenceapiece,"heJudases,"importedspeshulfromsunnyLapland.”Takenaback(whichIseldomamasmyassisnowiseaesthetic),IinformthefalsefruitererthatIprefercherriesgrownbetweenlimbsratherthanontrees—andtostressthepointIgentlystroketheboy'sbloatedcrotch,theexcitinglodgerwithinslightlycurvedandsmoothandtaperingatthetip."Blimey!"thekiddiegruffs,"that'sashockin'libertyyoutookandI'dcalltherozzersbutmeandthemain'tonspeakin'termsatthemoment.”ConfidentIhavecaughtaslightlycounterfeitimpatientvirginandconsciousofthepersuasivepowersofpelf,craftilyIdiscourseofmultiplepounds,shillingsandpencewhereupontheladcries:"Goodshow!"andwhistlespiercinglyatapassingtaxi.Asheclambersin,stillonhisskates,Iarousedobservethathisundulantbottomisasfirmandroundastworipeninghoneydews-forsoothaWelcome-Waggin'tailloadedwithpromise.Sprawledinthefarcorneroftheseat,mycompanionpermitsnophysicalfamiliaritiesbutserenadesmewithballadswhichseemtoindicatethathewellknowstheintricaciesoftheGreatGameinallitsaspectseventhoughpossiblyhe'sneverplayeditprofessionally.Loudlyclearinghisthroat,hefirstrendersatouchingtributetothemilitary:

Oh,hemay'vebeenjustadrummer-boy

ButhewasrottentotheCorps!followedby

YoucanhughimandkisshimallyoupleaseButyouneedacrowbartoopenhisknees!

succeededby

WhenDaddypartsthedingle-berriesSonnyfartswithjoy!

whichthefledglingsingssosoulfully,assholefullythatI'mmorethaneverconvincedthesweettroubadorisobtainablemeatrightdowntothebone.Asourcabstopsforatraffic-light,abarrowpiledhighwithLesbians'Delightpullsupalongside,thehawkerbawling:"Bananas!Bananas!Getyourfreshbananashere!”MybrashyoungBritonleansoutthewindowandyells:"Whoneedsyou?Igotmyown!”Dizzywithanticipatedecstasy,Istammer:"Sweetstranger,whenwe'remoreprivatewillyouletmep-peelyourtopbanana?”"Youcanpeelitandeatittoo,ifyoulike,"theboylaughs,"butwatchoutyoudon'tslipontheskin!"ThenheagainclearshissupplethroattoairanotherariabutIpressagentlefingertohisScarlattalips—wehavearrivedatdecorumandmyhotel."What'syourname?"Imurmur,removinghisskatesandpocketingthem,"justincasesomeflunkeyheregetsnosey.""Jan,"hewhispersback,"likeinJanus,theTwo-FacedGod.”H'm,isthereasuddenominouschillintheair—orisitmerelytheusualinclementEnglishSpring?Inthehotel-lobbythedesk-person,anageingMedusawithpince-nezandaserpentinecoiffeur,frownsatmyjuvenileprey'sgaminesqueexuberance.HastilyassumingamienofInnocenceAbroad,withdisarmingsmileIconfide:"ThispoorladisavictimofmaternalcircumstancessoI'mtakingcareofhimtillshesobersup."Lookingdazedifnotdubious,Pince-NezraisesnoHueandCry—butinmyroomTragedystrikes!AsIstarttodisrobeJan,Ibecomeawareofastrongfunkysmellasofslathersofdriedsemenandsincehe'sobviouslytooimmaturehimselftoejaculate,theswirlsofspunk-scentmustcomefromcomingothers.Ah,well,nottoworry—aboy-broncobrokentothebitisoftenbestforbuggering.Iunpantsmyambiguousangelicothenasismywontsnail-slowlyde-briefhim...todiscovertomyhorrorthejuniorTowerofLondoninhisgrointhatsofascinatedmeisnothisownsweetfleshbutaleeringgreenbanana!"What'sthisdoinghere?!"Igroan,crestfallen."That'ssucker-bait!"tittersJan."Fools'emeverytime!"andhepluckstheinfamousimposterfromhiscrotch,tossesitonthebed.Whatremainsbetweenhisthighsisvirtuallynilmoreofastuntedclitoristhanaself-respectingcock,withacordattachedtotheshriveledforeskin-tip."Kindaonthesmallside,innit?"theboyremarkssomewhatwistfully."Ihaddatieastringonit

soIcanfindthefuckin'thingwhenIWatertheLoo.”Oh,well,Jan'sgenitalsmaybefalsiesbutfromweepricksdolargewhangsgrow,undersufficientstimulation,sovigorouslyIcommencetorubthedwarftwig,tolickandsuckit,teaseandtantalizeit—butnothingbeginstobeganand,infact,theminisculemorselseemseventohaveshrunk.MercifulJesus,savemefromaperfunctorypenisthatpersistsinpresentingalowprofile!"What'swrong,baby,"Iplaintive,"can'tyourthingumbobstandupforitself?”"Toorightitcan't,chummy,"saystheboymorosely."Is'poseit'stooyoung”Tosparehisfeelingsandabruisedego,IforbearinforminghimthatI'veseenthree-incherectionsonyear-oldbabies...andnotwithstanding,it'shardlythekid'sfaulthisfrontalcherry(?)isalemonbutperhapshenicelycompensatesbehind."Turnover,Janny-boo—let'sseeifyourbacksideisbrighter.”Itisn't.Hisbuttocksaremoreribbedthanwide-walecorduroyandwhat'sbetweengapesswollenandinflamedwithawadofcottonstuffedintothejism-redolentorifice.Tooevidentlythislittletoo-bigpitcherhastoooftengonetothewellandhassprungaleak.Thekidsquirms,spreadshislegswiththeeaseofmuchpractice,looksatmeoverhisshoulder:"Well,what'reyouwaitingfor-aren'tyougoingtofuckme?”"Sweetie,itkillsmetosaythisbutIwouldn'tevenscrewyouwithPlexis'prick!”"Plexis?Iknowthatnothingbloke—healwayswantstohumponthecuff.”SadlyIreverseJanandseekatleasttodeep-kisshispomegranatemouthbuthepushesmeaway—osculationisnotpartofhisinventory.Isigh,fittocry—mydelusivedelicatamitehasflunkedtheritesofErosintoto,soreluctantlyIre-clothehimandfeehimforhistimeifnotforhisunfruitfulcompany.Perhapsfeelingguiltybecausehispeniswasn'tuptothejobandhisanustooopenforclosed-circuitscrewing,theboydepartsalmostapologetically—thoughInoticehedoesn'tforgettorestorethegreenbananatoitsdeceptivepositionofdishonour.Browned-offwiththemisnomer'dTightLittleIsland,I'mattheAirporteagertoreturntomyhomelandwhereIhearthelatestadmissiontotheUnionistheunabashed51stStateofSin.ThenahandclapsmeonthebackandIturntobeholddetestablePlexis,hispseudo-pimpfaceaglowwithinsularperfidity."Leavingusalready?!"hechirrups."Didn'tyouscoreontheMaidenheadRoad?”"'Twasafiascoandafarce,youbum-steeringfake!"Iholler."SinceyoupeoplelostyourEmpireyoudon'tmakeboyslikeyouusedto.”"Thetroublewithyou,mygoodman,isyou'velosttheMagicTouchandsimplycan'tcutthekid-mustardanymore!"Andinacreakyfalsetto,Plexisbeginstochant:

LondonBritchesfallingdown,Fallingdown,fallingdown,LondonBritchesfallingdown

MyFairLaddy!ToomuchtoosoonistheLastStrawsoIslughim,hardhe'ssmallerthanIam.AmidgatheringonlookersIpickhimupandbelthimagainandagainand...andwithgoodbehaviourI'llgetoutofDartmoorPrisonnextSpring,Ihope!

26.ChickentoGoTenlittlehustlers,highonyouthandgrass.Onegothair-burnshumpingaJudge'sass.Thentherewere…Ninelittlehustlers,paradingtheirprettywares.Onegothisnutscracked,fallingdownstairs.Thentherewere…Eightlittlehustlers,sittinginarow.Onegotamnesia,forgothowtoblow.Thentherewere…Sevenlittlehustlers,allsofineandsleek.Onegotkidnappedbyanoilysheik.Thentherewere…Sixlittlehustlers,proneforPush'n'Shove.Onemetaniceguy,madlyfellinlove.Thentherewere…Fivelittlehustlers,brighteyesalla-roam.OnesawhisMommycoming,scamperedoffhome.Thentherewere…Fourlittlehustlers,oftheirkindsogrand.Onegotguilt-feelings,couldn'tmakeitstand.Thentherewere…Threelittlehustlers,sellingblissforpelf.OneapedNarcissus,wentdownonhimself.Thentherewere…Twolittlehustlers,yearningforagrove.OnegotHolyandelopedwiththePope.Thentherewas...Onelittlehustler,feelingOh!solonelyTillhetookJesusforhisOne'n'Only.Ah,littlehustlers,mayyourtribeincrease-Towardmengood-will,onearthHeaven-piece!

27.Corky

No,no,athousandtimesNoHe'dratherdiethansayYes!

–Hello,Ambrose,you'relate,asusual.–IalmostdintcomeoverbutIneededthebread.–Look,youlittlebeast,nevertellamanyougotobedwithhimjustforhisfilthylucre—itlackssentimentandtheromantictouch.Here,let'sgetthoseclothesoffyou.–Dook,I…–Umm,baby,youpeellikeaprimepieceofpassion-fruit,allpinkandsweetandflavorsome!Upsy-daisy,intobedwithyou—letmeplumpupthosepillowsabit.There,youcomfy?

–Yeah,but…

–Nowtowetmywhistlewithabigswigofyourpenis-parfait!Hey,why'syourlittlefiddlesticksolimp—youbeenplayingnaughtytunesonitagain?

–Ihaddacouplerealheavywet-dreamslastnightthatstickied-upmypajama-pantsdowntomyknees.

–H'm,maybeyoushould'vestayedhomeandjustsentyourpajamastoseeme!Well,nomatter,turnoverand

–Idon'twantto.––Oh,Ambrose,don'tstartthatagain!I'vetoldyouandtoldyouI'llneverscrewyouunlessyougivemethehigh-sign.Don'tyoutrustme?

–Idon'teventrustmyownMomma!

–Mychild,mothersandloversaretwodifferentpredatorsentirely.

–Iknow,butallyoufaggolasareonlyafteronething!

–It'strueI'mafterallofyoubutifonepartisoff-limits,sobeit—I'llmakedowiththeleavings.Anyway,gettinghumpedisnobigdealandifit'sdonerightallyou'llfeelisatickletomakeyougiggle.Whydoyouthinkyou'vegotthatlovelylittleholethereinback—justtoshitwith?

–Idon't…

–Youenjoygettingblowedsoyouknowyourpenisisnotjusttopeewith—andthesamegoes

foryouranus.Youmaynotbeawareofitbutstatisticsprovethatifalltheboyswho'vebeenfuckedwerelaidend-to-end,therewouldn'tbestandin-roomfortherestofus.Sobottoms-up,laddy-buck,anddon'tbeafraid—Imerelywanttoswan-divemytongueintoyoursalubriousSubterraneanSee.

–Well,OK,butdon'ttrynosneakytricksoryou'llbesorry!

–HowcanI—I'vestillgotmyzipper-stuckpantson!Umm,umm,yourtastyloavesarewarmandfragrantasoven-fresh...Hey,whatinthename'veGodyougotstuckupyourrectum?!

–Onlyacork,isall.

–Why?Yougotdiarrhea?HasyourAmbrosialassholegotthetrots?

–No,I...uh,wantedtokeepmyselfpureforwhenIgetmarried.

–Whatthehellhasyourassgottodowithyourwife?

–Nevercantell—Imightjustupandmarryaboyoracrudlikeyou!

–Comeoffit,FibberMcGee—what'stherealreason?

–Well,see,Ithoughtyoumightwearmedownintolayin'foryousoIshovedthecorkinmeforpertection.

–Baby,doyouwanttoruinyourself?!Yourtinyheaven-holeisaverytender,sensitiveindividualandthatblastedcorkfeelsbiggerthanthethermos-bottlekind!

–It'sfromachampagne-bottle.

–Sosomebastard'sbeenplyingyouwithbooze,hashe?

–OneofmyMomma'smen-friendsbroughtitoverlastnightandtheydrankitalltheirselves,thecheappricks!

–DoesyourMommalikewhoreontheside,maybe?

–No,onherback.SothismorningIfoundthecorkinthegarbage-pailandstuffeditupwhatyou'rehotfor.

–Ihopeyouwasheditofffirst,atleast!

–IguessIdidbutIdon'tremember.

–Youmeantotellmeyoucrammeditinwithoutusinganylubricant?!

–Ismeareditwithbacon-grease.

–Ambrose,Iamsorelydisappointedinyou,you'vehurtmetothecoreofmybeingthatyoushouldsomistrustmeastopossiblyinjureyourselfbyshovingsomefuckingFrenchwasthatchampagnedomesticorimported?

–Idon'tknow.

–Well,samedifference,corkwise.Now,yougrabyourclothesandgotothebathroomandshitoutthathell-sentcorkandwipeyourselfandthenyougetdressedandgostraighthomeandtellyourround-heelMommashewantsyou.

Oh,Dook,ain'tyouevengonnadrinkmeoranything?!

–No,you'vedisillusionedmebeyondrepair—sogetgoing!

Intermissionofonehourand9minutes—andthoughfrombeyondtheclosed,lockedbathroom-doorcanbeheardmuffledgruntsandgroans,snifflesandsobs,IdonotinvadeAmbrose'sparlousprivacy.Givingbirthtoacorkislikehavingababy—strictlyaone-manjob.FinallynakedAmbroseemergesprefaced,tear-stainedandpantingandwithadespairingwailbelly-flopsonthebed.

–Dook,dosomething!I'vesqueezedmygutsoutbutthecorkwon'tbudgeaninch!

–Idon'tblameitabit—butwhatcanIdo?!

–Couldn'tyousuckitout,maybe?

–Sweetie,I'masuckingfoolbutcorksareoutofmyleague.

–Oh,God,what'mIgonnado?!It'sstartin'tohurtme!

–Inacaselikethis,Ithinkthebestthingistotakeyoutoadoctororperhapsasurgeon.

–Idon'twantnodoctorhorsin'aroundbackthereandbesides,whatwouldItellhim—thatIliketopushcorksupmyass?!

–YoucouldalwayssayyoubentovertotieyourshoelacesjustasyourMommaopenedthechampagne-bottleandthecorkflewupyourcubby-hole.

–Damnyou,Dook,don'tjokeaboutit!

–I'msorry,baby.Look,howaboutIgiveyouanicestrongphysic?

–Shit,no!That'dbustmyinsidesforsure!

–You'reprob'lyright,Anenemaisoutofthequestion,too.

–Yougottacorkscrew?Thatshoulddothejob.

–Itwouldonlyscrewthebloodythingfurtherin.

–Tryanice-pick,then—youcouldsortachipitout.

–That'dbeworsethanacorkscrew.Hey,I'vegotanidea!I'llsoakyourentry-waywithplentyofbaby-oilandthenyousqueezelikeholyhelland…

–Thatwon'tworkeither'causeIlatheredmyselfupgoodinthebathroombutnothin'happened.

–H'm!Let'ssee,I'vegotaflashlightinthisdrawerheresomewhereand...ah,hereitis!Nowspreadyourlegswide,Ambrose,andpryyourass-lipsasfarapartasyoucansoIcangetsomelightonthesubject.

–Likethis?

–Yes,that'sfine.Uh,openjustalittlewider,please...thaa-at'sit.Aha!Icanseethelittlebuggernowandheseemstobehavingthetimeofhislife!Oh,damnittoHellandDamnation!!

–Whatisit?What'swrong?!

–Youshovedthewrongendofthecorkupyou,baby.

–Butitwasthesmallendwiththelittlemetalcapontop!

–Iknow,butifthecappedendwentinlastthenIcouldprobablygetthecorkoutbyapplyinganelectro-magnettothepieceofmetal.Asitis,thebigendhastocomeoutfirstandthat'sgoingtoraiseCainwithyouranalmembrane.

–It'sbad,huh?

–Sweetie,you'vegotaproblem!

–It'syourproblemtoo'causeIwouldn't'vemessedaroundwithnocorkinthefirstplaceifIwasn'tscaredyouweregoin'toprongme!

–Yes,Ambrose,Iadmitit'smyfaulttoo,butItrustyourealisebynowthatit'sbettertogetpluggedbyacockthanacork!

–Dook,ifyoucangetthatfriggin'thingoutameIpromiseyoucanfuckmetillyourcockdropsoff!

–CanIcallyouCorky,too?Ineverdidlikethatsilly`Ambrose'handle.

–YoucancallmeShitandeatme,ifyouwantto!

–Ah,that'sagrandincentiveandit'sgivenmeanEinsteininspiration!Nowyouwaithere,don'tgo'way—I'llberightback.

–Whereyougoin'?

–JusttotheUtilityRoomacrossthehall......HereIamagainwiththesolutiontoourproblem—IsureGodhope!

–What'sthatyou'retotin'?

–Thisismynew(J.Edgar)Hoovervacuum-cleaner,thesuper-chargedmodel.Seethishose-likeattachment?That'sforcleaningouthard-to-get-atlittlenooksandcranniesandsoforth.Nowyouspreadyouranal-lipswideagainwhileIinsertthenozzlegently,gentlyin.RelaxnowasIstartthemotor—andletusdevoutlypraythat(J.Edgar)Hooverknowshissuction-business!

Well,sir,wouldyoubelievethatintwosecondsflatthatcorkpoppedoutasneatandprettyandeasyasyouplease?!Onlytroubleis—nowIcan'tgetthegoddamcorkoutof(J.Edgar)Hoover!

28.Chicken-ThiefTimewaswhenIspentseveralmonthsinaFloridaKeyshamletnamedMacbeth,trustingthepenetratingheatoftheinferno'dsunwouldcureasevereattackofarthuritis(Arthurlenthispussywillowpelttomeforabriefspellandlovedtoridemepiggy-backbutIoverdidthetransportation-bit,painfullyundiscingmyupperspine)andanacutecaseofboyitis(boywasfirst-glancebeautiful,instantlyinfatuatingme,buthistrothwasplightedtoanotheranddismallyfaithfultothemoresolventchicken-fancierwhocamebefore).Dayspass,sunNepenthelyheals,yetinmyrecoveryIambesetanewwithacompulsiveyenforsleekyoungboy-fleshandlikelylittleladsseemtobeinshortsupplyinthisaridoutpostofAnitaBryant-benightedFlorida.Ah,butwait!...onlyseemtobeforthefollowingafternoonIspyaslimsmallfaunlet,facepressedagainstthewindowof'TheBikeBoutique',obviouslyentrancedbysomegleaminggoodiewithin.Serpentinguptocloseroglehim,mypubic-haircrackleswithsparksoflustforthekid'sSouthernexposuresecedesmefromallthoughtsofprimpropriety,hisbottom-linebeneathskintightjeanssoSiren-seductivethatIknowImustconfederatewiththisrefulgentrebelationinordertoformamostperfectunion.NowIsneakfurtiveside-looksathisprofile—oh,rare!Frothoffrolicgoldencurlscluster'dabouttheshapelyhead,lushsweepingeyelashesliketinylacefans,slenderdelicately-delineatednoseGodknowsmust'vebeenstolenfromsomedrowsyEndymion,uptiltofdimpledlip-cornersweetsemblanceofsubtlecrimsonmesmerism.Assailedwithachingdesire,Ilongtopullthislittleone'spantsdownrighthereinthestreettosavorhisfore-aftfascinationsforthwith.(Simmerdown,youoldfool,thissucklingcan'tbemorethan12andFlorida'santi-sodomylawsarestraightoutoftheHangman'sNoose.)SwooninglyIobservethattheyoungsterismakinglovewithhiseyestoaglitteringensembleofchromeandredlacquerontwowheels.Adjacentsignshouts:'SuperFlyer,latestmodel,10-speed,allaccesories—SpecialSale-Priced!'Becomingawareofmypresenceandapparentadmirationofhisownobjectofadoration,theboyturnstome,faceaglow—chartreuseeyeswithdarkarch'dbrows,rose-goldcheeks,generoushoney'dmouth,earth'dEros!"Ain'tshepurty?"heexclaims."Gee,I'dgiveanythingtohaveher!”"It'snotaher,"Isayjealously."Youseethatlonghardhorizontalbarthatfitsbetweentherider'sthighs?Onlyboy-bikeshavethem.”"Well,he'ssureabeauty!”"Yes,you...heisthat!Let'sgoinandseehowmuchhecosts.”Inside,theladdevourstheSuperFlyeringreedygaze,strokingthesumofitspartswithcovetoushands.Upcomesamonstrouslyoverweight50ishUglywithapastysmileandmean-lookingpig-eyesthatinspectmesuspiciouslythenfastenonthekid."Hello,Jonsi!"hesaysunctuously."How'syourmotherthesedays?”

Theboydartshimapassingglance."She'sjistfine,MistuhBunthorn.Wecomeintolookatthebike.”"Ah,yes,arealbargainthere."Fatsocastsmeaveiledsneer."Andyou'reastrangerintown,Ibelieve.”"Name'sDukahz,"Imumble,"fromNewYork.Downhereforthesunwhichhascuredmyarthuritis.Trustyounevergetit—hellishtwingeful.”"I'msureitwasmostagonising,"herejoins,lookingasifhewishedithadbeenlethal.Isteerhimintoacorneroutofhearingoftheboy."Uh...howmuchareyouaskingforthatSuperFlyer?”Hesmirkscontemptuously,asifhecouldreadmykid-smittenmindanditsEvilIntent."Amere$99.99plustax,"hesmuglyintones,implyingthatIhaven'tseenthatmuchlettuceinonelumpsinceJonahswallowedthewhale.Asamatterofcruelfact,Ihaven'tandmyappalledfeetseektobeathastyretreatfromthishauntofhighfinance—I'mintoSocialInsecurityandhavetowatchmypennies.Nousewatchingmydollarsthey'resmarterthanIamandevereludeme.HopelesslyjugglingmyassetliabilitiesIhemandhaw,begincopiouslytosweat—andthenIchancetoglanceatJonsiwhoseemstoberubbinghiscrotchagainstthehind-endoftheSuperFlyer.Bysomemiracleofmentaltelepathytheboynowlooksstraightatme—smiling,eager,excited—andmymyopiceyesclearlydescrybeneathhistight-stretchedpants-flyabulginginvertedcross.Littlehot-britcheshasgottenahard-onembracinghisboy-bike!Imusthavehimwithnodelay,comemechanicalPegasusasillegaltender.IshallhockmySelectrictypewriterandmygoldinlays—whoneedsteeth!Everyknowledgeableladprefersafellativelyfanglesslover."Reservethebikeforme,"IsaytoFatso,"andI'llbearoundshortlytopickitup.”"Cash,nocheques,"hedenigrates."Dun&BradstreetgivesNewYorkersabad-assrating.”"UpyoursandBun&Dradstreet's,too,"IreplywithdignifiedrestraintandattempttoannihilatehimwithLaser-eyebutLaser'souttolunch.Goinguptotheboywhoisnowastridethebike,hisanthemiclittleassrestlessinthesaddle,IMephistomurmur:"Ifyouwouldliketoacquirethispedal'dBucephalus,comewithmetomycosycottageandwe'lltalkitover."Trustinglyheaccompaniesme,smallwarmhandinmynervousone—andaswedepartI'malltooawareofFatso'sbuzzard-orbsuponus.IhavelittledoubtthatshortlyhewillphoneJonsi'smothertowarnthathersonisconsortingwithastrangemanwho'sawormyBigApplertoboot!InmydenofsiniquityIaskYoungInnocentifhe'sacquaintedwithhardlickerinmixedcompany(Ineverplyboyswithboozeunlessthey'vehaditbefore—it'stakingunfairadvantagebesidesbeinghellishexpensive).AmbiguouslyJonsirepliesthatheprefersahardlickertoasoftone—whichinfoimmediatelyelevatesmyevilorganuntilheaddsthathisfavouritedrinkiscorn-squeezin'swhichhisPappyusedtobootlegbuthisPappy'sgonetohisRewardnowandhisMommaispure-hellhardshellTemp'rance.SoIregalemyvivaciousvisitorwithBettyCockerdevil's-foodcakewithsemen-whitefrostingandice-coldlemonadesubtlylacedwithRasputinBrandvodkawhichtippleistheidealseduction-libationforittastesnot,neitherdoesitsmell.

WhiletheboysipsandsupsIweavemywilyweb,tellinghimthatIwillbuyhimthebikeandhecanpaymeback,littlebylittle,inthrillinginstallments."Oh,MistuhDuke,"Jonsipoor-mouthscrumbily,"Iain'tgottanickeltomyname!Moneyjistdoanneversticktomyfingers.”Iexplainthatmeredollarsandsensewouldn'tbeinvolvedhereforhecouldblissfullyrepaysimplybybeingnicetome.Theladfrowns,mystified."Whutyoumean,nicetoyou?Iawreadynice,ain'tI?”"Imeanthatifyouletmemakeyoufeelgood,thatwouldmakemefeelgood,too.”Jonsiquirksadubiouseyebrow."Howyoumakemefeelgood?”"Well,I'drubyourback.You'dlikethat,wouldn'tyou?""Surewould!”"AndI'drubotherplaceshigherandthitherwhichwouldmakeyoufeelevenbetter.”"Whutotherplaces?”"Likethisprettyplace,forinstance."BoldlyIputmyhandbetweenhisupperthighsandmassagegently—ecstaticallyfeelingwarmweeresidentsarousedwithin.Forafullminutetheyoungsterholdsstillundermymanipulationthenbrushesmyhandaway,grinningwickedlyatme."MistuhDuke,youpuredeeknowwhereit'sat,don'tyou!""Hasanyoneeverrubbedyoudowntherebefore?”"No,onymyownself—butIseendirtypichersofstufflikethat.”"Whoshowedyouthepictures?"Iask,scentingunscrupulouscompetition."Dintnobuddyshow'emtome—Iswiped'emfromastoreinMiami.”Mostauspicious—alluringAmorinoknowsthesex-sceneintheoryifnotinpractice."Soisitadeal?"Iquaverwistwishfully."Well,Idoanknow.ReckonIbetterastmyMommafirst.""Don'tdothat!"Icroakhastily."Womenneverappreciatetheseballpointniceties—thisisjustbetweenusmen!”"OK,Igiveitawhirl'causeIsuredowantthatbike.Hey,whydoanyouc'monhomewithmenow?YoukinmeetmyMommaan'stayfersupper.Weishavin'pig-meatan'redgravy,grits,collardgreensan'sweetpertaterpie—mightytasty.”"I'mobligedforyourkindinvitation,JonsibutIhavetoseeamanwiththreeballs.”Boychikbugsawedeyes."Threeballs?!LordA'mighty,hemus'beafar-outstud!Hefuckin'

you?”"No,baby—he'sjustalittleoldGrampawwhoownsthepawnshop.”"Oh,yeah,Iknowshim.Hegimmesix-bitsoncetorunaerrant.”"Iloveyouraccent,Jonsi.WereyouborninFlorida?”"No,I'sfrumVicksburg,MissSippitillayearago."Kidletbrandishesasmallmenacefulfistonhigh."TheStars'nBarsFerever!TheSouthShallRiseAgin!!”"IcertainlyhopesoinyourcaseasIreallygoforSouthernboyslikeyou.”"Why?Ain'tnodiffrunttolookat—ain'tgottwodicksernuthin'.”"No,butthey'reusuallywonderfulinbed.”Youngstersniggers,winks."MistuhDuke,I'splumbskeeredo'beds—myPappydonekicked-offinone!”Offeringmycondolences,Itrytodetainthesweetlingforajotifnottittleofpreliminaryrompbuthe'sgottago,hisMommabeingpunitivepertickleraboutpromptnessatmeals–buthepromisestoreturnbrightandearlythenextmorning,Saturday.AtthedoorIbeatificallysiftmyfingersthroughhisgoldilocks,bendtolickthelivinggoldwhenbudlingliftshisbaby-faceandsqueaks:"Oh,Iawmostfergot!KinIborrysomejinglin'-moneyfercarfare?"Istare,agape."Ididn'tknowtherewerestreet-carsinthissmalltown!”"Thereain't!"hesmirks,testinghisboy-power.DespitehystericsfrommybudgetIspillallmysmallchange(69centsincludingarump-perforatedBuffalonickel)intohiscuppedpaws—hemaynotbeonthemakebuthe'sonthetake,he'sgotmyneckunderhissmallfootandnowheknowsit.However,Ipossessmyselfinsubmissivepatienceforexperiencehastaughtmethatincatchingchickensyourneedsmustbefoxy.AsJonsihurriesoffhegivesmeabehindsalute,hiserectmiddle-fingertauntinglystabbingupward.H'm.Clutchingmypitifulcollectionofpawnables,IcallonGram-pawMoseswhoisastoundinglygenerousforheassumesI'moneoftheChosenbecauseofmybignose—luckilyhedidn'tasktoseemycock(uncut)asafurthercredential.NextIvisitFatsoandexchangehockship-lootfortheSuperFlyerwhichIwobblilyridehomeandparkitinclose-upviewsofJonsifrommybed—ifsobeIcangethimthere.ThenIpacethefloorinfever'danticipationofthemorrow—I'monthemadmerry-go-roundoncemore,head-over-heelsforthislick-fingerlittleenchanticleer,can'twaittoeathim,drinkhim,sleepanddreamhim.ThefollowingmorningmySpringtimesaplingofadozensummersarriveswiththedawn,announcingthathisMommahasgonetoaWCTU-meetinginTallahasseewheresomebodynamedCarrieNationisteachingthegoodladieshowtowieldabar-smashinghatchetintheinterestsofneo-Prohibition—sohecanstayalldaywithme,ifnecessary,toearnthe10-

speedappleofhiseye.Iamtouched—mydownylittleboy-pullitdisplaysthevirtueofgratitudeinadvance!Chicky-boohasbreakfastedbutasksforsomeof'thatfunny-tastin'lem'nadeyougimmeyestiddy'causeitgodownrealfinean'doanangrythebloodlikecornsqueezin's!'—sweetinnocentbeggingforhisownundoing!Imixthepotentbrew,thirstilyhequaffsit,Ifillhimupagainthenusherhimintothebedroom.WithsopranoyipsofjoyhefallsontheSuperFlyer,fondlesit,hugsit,ripsoffhis'MakeWar,NotLove'T-shirtforcleaning-ragtodustandpolishhispassionfromprowtotail-light,delugesthelongnarrowglans-redbanana-seatwithferventsmackingkisses—whichlastIwincinglyobservewithgreen-eyedpangsofsourestgrapes."Onething,myardentdear,"Igruff,"thatdamn'dbanana-seathasdefinitelygottago!”"Why?”"Becauseitlookslikeagiantman-cockandit'dgivemepurplefitsifyourodethefuckingthing.”Boybubbleswithlaughter,tinklingchimeoftemplebells."Doangityerballsinnauproar—Iain'tgonnaridehimbare-ass!”Iamsittingonthebed,onfirewithconsumingdesirebutIclenched-handscontainmyself—fataltorushthingsoryouriskalarmingthevirginalprey.AtlengthsmilingJonsicomestostandbetweenmyspreadthighs:"OK,MistuhDuke,IreckonI'sready.”"Readyforwhat?"Iwheezeinvertigo'dvisionsofblisstocome.Afaintblushstainsthecheeksofmycherish'dcherrybim:"Well,likeyousaid—Ifiggersyouain'tgivin'menobikejistfernuthin'!”"You'reamagic'dlad,lovelyone,"Ibreathe,overcome."YoursweetfacereflectsclassicSamothraceandIadoreyoumoreeachpassingminute!”Smallidolbatshisdeluxeeyelashesandshakesanadmonitoryfingerinmyface."Doangoadorin'metoomuch,MistuhDuke,'causethatpuredeescan'lousan'agintheLaw!"Humph,mypreciouslittlewise-assisnotonlyapracticalistbuthe'sobviouslyhadput-downsex-educationathisMomma'skneeorsomeotherjoint."ThanksforremindingmeI'millegal!"Imutteracidlyandplungemyfaceintohisspun-silklocks,sweetsatinsuffocation—descendtolip-caressthesoftwarmhollowatthebaseofhissmooththroat,sighing:"Mypet,myown,yousmellsoyoungandfreshandcleanyoucouldbealiving-colouradforProctate&Gambol!”"Ain'tmyfaultI'mclean!See,myMomma'sanut'boutsoap'nwater,makesmetakeabathever'damnnight.Nouse'nmetoholler—shejistthumpsmypunkin-haidlikeitabeat-upol'drum!”"I'veoftenwonderedwhyboysanddirtaresuchbosom-pals.”

"Dirt'smorefun,MistuhDuke—dinty'know?!”GentlyIbegintorubmysmalldarling'sbackwhileIlickhisfirmyoungcheeks,tongueintothetinynostrilsofhisgracilenose,pressmyavidmouthonhislushredlips.WithsharplyindrawnbreathhetriestopullawaybutIholdhimfast,nuzzlehisear."Don'tbeafraid,littleone,fortrulyIwouldn'thurtallyI'djustunzipit.”"Butwhatareyou—?”"Shhh,baby—lookatthebike!"Theboy'sverdeeyesswiveltotheSuperFlyer,begintoglowwithwheel'dstarsandslowlyhislipspartformeasIsowhismilkymouthwithdeepkisses,capturehisslipperypinktongueintendersuctionthatsoonisthrustingintomelikeanurgentheatingpenis,hisdew-sweetsalivawettingmyfaceunderhisoralcopulationwhilemytremuloushandstealsdownthelissombody,becomeslove-sickexploreroftheEdenbetweenhisthighs,unzips,invadespalpitantfly,cupsthepreciousyoungjewelsbulgingintightbriefs,beneaththeclothfondlehardlittleballsadrowseintheirsuedesleeping-bag,caressthevelvetykid-cockquickeningtomytouch,hardening,leaping...andsuddenlyIfeeltheboy'sshiverofsex-pleasureagitatehislipsandtongue."Doandothatnomore!"hemoans."Ifyoumakemecomeinmypants,myMommathinkIbinjerkin'offin'emfersure!""DoesyourMommaknowyoubeatyoursweetmeat?""Sheain'tketchmeatityitbutIreckonshesuspeckIdoit'causesheawwayswarnin'meitmakemegocrazyan'mydingdong'llfalloff.”"Youdon'tbelievethatbullshit,doyou?”"Well,IdoanknowisIcrazyernotbutmyweenie'sstillhangin'aroun'jistasorn'ryasever!WhutIfiggerismyMomma'smadjealous'causesheain'tgotnoplay-purtieslikeyou'nme.”Ihugmysapientstriplingingender-rapport."Rightonandin—butdon'tletWomen'sLibhearyousaythat!”"Fuck'em—I'sallferBoys'Lib!Please,suh,kinIhavesomemoreo'thatlem'nade?I'sdrier'nadesertbone.”Elated,Irushtogetit—hugeglass,tripleshotofIvantheTerribleBrandthistime,sprigofmint.Cherubglugsitdown,upendsthetumblerforthelasttangydrop,staggers,hiseyescriss-crossing—thenhegiggles,patshisbelly,gustilyblowshismintyboy-breathinmyface"Whoosh!Thasssure-nuffprimestuff!Ic'ddrinkatubful.”Ipromisesecondsintheimmediatefuture.Nakedabovethewaist,nowJonsishuckshiscut-offs,mopshisbeadedbrow,wipesmydamplyfever'ddittoandIsnatchtheholygarmenttoburymyfaceintothesoftfoldsofinnerfly,inhalingtheheadypenis-fragrancetherein.

Younglinglaughs:"Oh,man,yougotitbad,ain'tyou!"andhepluckshisbriss'dbritchesfrommygrasp,flingingitasidewhereitlandssquarelyonthatcursedbanana-seat,thenhelaceswarmticklingfingersbehindmyneck."Youwannasuckmytitties,MistuhDuke?Idoangarnteethey'smilkin'emyitbuttheyjistaboutripe,Ireckon.”"Boys'nipplesdon'tevergivemilk,Iregrettosay.”"Whynot?Titsistits.”"MomNaturewasinanaestheticmoodandputboy-milklowerdown."Ibendtolaveoneamberaureola,nibblethetinybrown-sugarnipletwhichstiffensagainstmytongue,nurseonitlikestarvedbabe-in-arms.Jonsisighs,squirms,strokesmybusyhead."Thatticklerealscrumshus,MistuhDuke,butsucktheother'nnow—hefeelin'kindaleftout."Idarttoobey,wheelingbetweenthetwoerectflesh-budslikealunatictennis-ballatplay.Sensation-satedinthatsection,theyoungsterpressesmyheadfartherdownonhimtodeeproundofplump-lip'dnavelandIscourtheinch-deephollowwithflutteringtongue-tip,tasteofwarmcotton-candy,lickhistautbellyandthesoftslopeofhispartially-baredpubis.Setafirebythissucculentarsonist,roughlyIclawathisbriefstocompletelydenudehimthatImightrevelinthatSupremeMomentwhenforthefirsttimeyougetintoanewkid'sunderpantstoseewhathe'sgot!(PoorZeusneverknewthisinoffablepreface—thatstupideagledeliveredGanymedeinthebuffandnodoubtsnitchedsomedelicaciesenroute.)Alack,mycontrarygodlethasotherideasaboutbeingtotallydisrobedforheshovesmyplunder-benthandsrudelyaside."Turnyerback,man—Itakesoffmybriefsmyownself!"Modestyatthislatestage—orajuvenilerip-off?Steaming,Istumbletobathroom,undress,soakmyfoolheadincoldwater,eager-eyedreturn.Slimlegswide,handsbehindheadinthestereotypedposeofboredjunior-hustlerimpatientlywaitingtobesucked-offsohecanspendtheresultantrental-fee,nakedJonsisprawlssupineonthebed.Strivingtosavebestestforlastest,Itrytodelaylookingatthepubescentjewel-boxbutmygazeisinexorablydrawntotheinvertedBofhyacinthinethighs:Ah,yes,gemmous—andabasketofrichboy-bonbonsaswell.Smoothhairlessdelta,apricot-sizedspermariesinadimpledpouchsnugged-uptocushiontheslendercurbingfour-inchdusky-pinkpenis,fraiseforeskinslightpeeledtorevealrosytipofplummyglans,moistmeatussmilingoutatmeinwanton-mouth'dallure.Smallpyromaniacsettingmehotteraflame,hungrilyIplummetonthelittlebodylimn'dinlapidarybeauty,mylipstracingLoveontherefulgentyoungflesh,movedowninsweetmistofdesireandmyfaceardentembraceagainstsatin-sleekboy-genitals,Iengulfthevibrantlittlecock,gentlytongue-stripthetightsex-skinfromthepulsingacorn,feverishlysucksucksuckthetenderbulbwhileIfondlesilkennut-sacdamplyclingingassoftesteiderdowntomyfingers.Slobberilyfellateforfivefebrileminutes,sevenminutes,ten—butnothingtranspires!Noburgeoningofboyhead,noerectingexceptmyfrustation.HaveIbeenstiffdwithanimpotentno-stiff?HaveIdumpedtoomuchvodkaintomydenyingdarling?ReluctantlyIrelinquishtheslippery-wetlittlesex,lookupatthekid."Baby,you'relimpasawettea-bag!What'swrong—

amIblowingyouassbackwardsorsomething?”Jonsipatsmydejectedpatereassuringly."Youdoin'jistfine,MistuhDuke—onythinismyprick'skindabashfularoun'strangerswhenheain'tgotnoclotheson.Yougotta'scusehim'causehelikeali'lolechile—youhaftashowhimwho'sbossorhedoanpayyoutheleas'bito'mind.Here,lemmehap'lehim,he'susedtome!"Ladseizeshisshymemberinbrutalgrasp,pinches,squeezes,vigorouslyrollsitbetweentherudepalmsofhisfascisthands—andinamatterofsecondsLittleDickisrearinghotlyhardanduptightandsixinchestall!"See?"exclaimstheboy,pridefully."Igot'imtrainedrightsmart—heknowsifhedoanstan'upan'ackniceI'llslapthepissoutahim!Intimacyofnowarousedcockbetweenmyavidlips,gentlepush-pullofJonsi'swarmloinsagainstmyadorantface.Hetweaksmyleftearlobe."YouwantIsh'dcomeinyermouth,MistuhDuke—eryankitoutterecklyafore?Idoanreckonmystickystufftasteseggzacklylikevanillerice-cream!"Idisengagetocry:"Stayinsideandflowfreely,littleone—Iwanteverydropofyourpreciouspenis-pabulum!"AgainhispinkpassionIabsorbtoup-downfrictivecaressinsibilantsupplication–moistslipandsoftsighofsilkensex-skin,leapandthrobofsteamingboy-phallussensateblisstomytongue.Jonsistirs,moans,hiskneesraiseandpresstogether,hisdamaskinnerthighsclaspingmyheadinurgentneed.Hiseyeshotandferal,withmountinggaspshebeginstofuckroughlyintomymouththrustthrustthrusttillawrenchingshuddertwistshissweatingbody."I'sgonnashoot,man,it'scomin'...uhhhhh!uhhhhh!"andsearingyoungboy-flesharchesfrenziedlybeneathmeinthepantingthroesofconvulsedclimax,Itastehisspurtinglove-juicelikewarmmilkandhoney,suckYouthfromhimandSpringandEcstasy.Stillspasm-rack'dsmallfacesmilesupatmeasIstripoutthelastpearlycock-drop."Youliketoblowmyskin-flute,MistuhDuke?”"Littlemouth-organsaremyfavouriteinstrument,chickieboo.Didyoulikeit?”"Pow'rfuldid!InevergotthatmuchkickwhenIfriggedmyownself.”"Idon'tliketobragbutLittleBoyBlew'smymiddlename."LingeringlyIbrowseonJonsi'slipsandwithin,hereadilyacceptingmycaressesandshylyreturningthem.Mylust-engorgedadamancystillunassuaged,gentlyIshifttheboyontohisbelly.Instantshrillprotest:"Hey,whutyoufixin'edo?!”"Don'tbealarmed—Imerelywanttosurveyyourbacksidedelights.”Delightful,indeed.Firmroundrosylittlebuttocksthatparteddisclosethesmallheaven-holelikeaplumppucker'dbaby-mouthinvitingkisses.IbendtolickandsucktheSecretSesameintoquiveringpout—scentofMoroccanleather(thatdamnablebanana-seatagain?),tasteofchocolatebrownie.Suckeemoans,shoveshisgossamerbottomuphardagainstmyface."Ooh,thasssofine!Blowmyasscleanout,please,suh!”ExcitedlyIsuctionthesweetvacuumuntilmytonguebecomesnumbandmylipsdevelopanervoustic.Isitup.

"Oh,man,doanstopnow!You'sgotmypoopy-holeinahooweeconnipshun!”"Timeoutforalemonade-break,OK?"I'maimingfortheUltimateGoalwhich—ifmyusualbadluckprevails—I'llmissbyamile."KinIhaveanotherhunko'thatcake,too?”"Twohunks!"Igetmorehigh-prooflemonadeandcake.KidgulpsandchowfswithnoisyappreciationwhileIcuddlehimclose,eelingahandunderhissleekbumtotickletheweejoy-slitstillwetfrommyzestfulslavering,gentlysocial-fingerpenetrateitastheboywrigglesandgigglesandwinksatmeblearily.Sweetlittleroosterisalmostripeforthepluckingnow,Ijudge,ashedrainshisglass,belchesloudly,fallsbackonthebed."Jonsi?”"Y-yeah?”"Willyouletme?”"Letyouwhut?”"Well,uh,I'mnotaskingformyself,see,butmycockwantstoknowifyou'lllethimgetintoyourass.”"Fuckyercockan'youtoo!”"SoOK!Ihissserpently."I'llfindanotherboywhoreallywantstoearnthatSuperFlyer.”Baby-boolooksathiswheel'didolthroughswimmingeyes,sighs,shrugs."WayIfeelsnowIdoanmuchgiveashitwhuthappensotellyercocktogoahaid—Ireckonitain'tgonnakillmetotryitonct."Hepausestoscowlfiercely."Butdoanastmetosuckyouoff'causeI'dneverdothatevenforGen'ralRobertE.Lee!”Aboilwithhighblood-pleasureIdashtokitchen,returnwithafifthofMazola.Boypeersatitinowl-eyeddismay."Hey,dumbo,thassforfryin',notfuckin'!”"Itsaysrighthereonthelabel,plainasday:Thiscorn-oilisunsurpassedforcorn-holingasitprovidesadeliciouspolyunsaturatedscrewthatiscompletelyrecyclabelandbiodegradable—sokindlyturnover,littlesweetheart.”FloppingontohisbellyJonsipokestwopillowsbeneathhismiddle,spreadshislegswideinrelaxedanticipation.Damn!Hassomerivalprickalreadycoppedhisback-doorVestality?!ThenIrecallthathe'sseenpictures—nodoubtthedetailedHowToDoItkindslantedforthehot-nutspre-teentrade.Grinning,theboywatchesasIself-consciouslyMazolamymodestbutrigidlyaspiringsixstupidinches,thenastonishinglywithhisownhandshepriesaparthissugar-bunswhilereverentlyIanointthevirginsmileofmydarling'sanalblossom,onhandsandknees

crawloverhim,nudgethedistendedheadofmyrudeweaponagainstthetenderlittleportalexpectingtomeetstoutresistancebutmybladesinksthroughthetightbutmarvelouslystretchableanalgatelikeahotknifethroughsoftbutter.Suddenlytheresoundsapillow-smother'dyowlandfranticclutchingofsheetasmyCupid—woundedbyanarrownothisown?—criesout:"Hey,pulloutameaminute—yerweight'scrushin'myballsagainstthepillow!”WithunderstandablereluctanceIwithdrawmycursingrapierfromhishappyhometowiltinejectedrejectionwhiletheboyliftshismiddletoswitchhisbelly-compressedjewelstoasaferhavenbetweenhisthighsandsays:"OK,man,youkinshoveitbackinaginbutfuckmenice—thatain'tnobigol'cuntyouishumpin',y'know!"Jumpingwithjoy,myrevivedcockhurlshimselfagainsttheclose-furledDimpleofLovewhichpulsinglyexpandstoslowlymoistlytightlyhotlysuckmein,in,intothenarrow-walledslipperyrectumasIdriveheadlongonandupthePathwaytoParadise.Nowanentreativesmallvoicepipesup."MistuhDuke,whenyougitsdonescrewin'me,kinIpleasehavemySuperFlyer?”"Yes,baby,yes!"Igasp,furiouslythrustingdeeper,harder,faster...thentoosoon,toosoontheworldisasuddensweetshudderanddissolvingindelight.WhenatlengthIshortlywithdraw,theboyslipsoutofbed,wipeshisnacredlittlemanholeonacornerofmypillow-case,donshisclothesandisasusurrusofsmallfeetdepartingashewheelshisbelovedboy-biketothefrontdoor,mountsitlikeahornyloverandspeedsoff."Jonsi!"Icallafterhim,slobberingtheverb,"comebackfirstthinginthemorning!”HeneitherlooksbacknorwavesandthelastIseeofhimaretheseductiveroundsofhistautbottomundulatingonthatunspeakableBanana-seatashepumpshismechanicalinamoratodownthestreet.Firstthinginthemorningthenextday,Iandcakeandvodkabreathlessly,yearninglyawait—butnoJonsi.Nextdaybecomesaweek,twoweeks,three—stillnoprettyhidenorsunshinehairofmyheart'sfancy.MylipsrememberJonsi,myfingertipsrecallsoIhuntforhim,seekhimupanddowneverylaststreetandby-way,encounterJohn,Juan,Johnny,JonathanbutnoneistheIncomparableOne.Doesn'tJonsilivehereanymore?!AslastdesperateresortIdecidetocontactbumptiousBun-thornat'TheBikeBoutique'.Fatsoknowstheboy'smotheranddoubtlesscancluemeastotheirpresentwhereabouts,thoughprobablyhe'llbad-mouthmeformysuspiciousinterestin12-year-oldball-bearings.Igotothebike-ship,enter.Nobodythere,nothingbuttheraspofmyownthwartedchicken-hawksighsmidstaprofusionofglitteringmobilitythatseemstomockme.AtthebackoftheshopIperceiveacloseddoor,gouptoit,amabouttoknockwhenfromwithinIhearmutedgaspsandgroansofpresumablysexualexcitement.Imight'veknown!Fatsoisplayingwithhimself—whoelsewouldwanttotouchtherepellentbastard!Iturntheknob,doorcracksopen,Ipeekinside.FirstthingIdescryisaresplendentXL-350Hondamotorcycle.NextthingIseeisnakedawfulFatsoonhishandsandkneesonamattressandlookinghappyasahippoinmating-timeashishorrendoushorse-cockpistonsinandout

betweenthedelicaterosylipsofnudelittleJonsisupinebeneathhim!IamjustabouttoburstinonthemtopulveriseFatsoandrescuemypoortortureddarlingwhentheboypausesinhisfellationtosay:"MistuhBunthorn,whenIgitsdoneblowin'you,kinIpleasehavemyHonda?”

29.MisfortuneCookiesThoughlittlepetersareseldomsaintly,itwasSt.Petersburg,Ha.,thatnearlydisprovedtherule—everythingwentwrongdownthere.Sincenoboysexualpimpswereinevidence,Itriedtoprocureformyself—wearingacrispnewfinasbow-tieproposition-posy,standingonthecornerandwhistling'You!Youneverlookedsogood!'atallthelikelyladspassingby,thelittlemisersfingeringtheirpants-fliestomakesuretheyweren'tgivingafreeshowtosomepoor,deprivedboy-gonerlikeme...buttheonlyattentionIgotwasfromanastyNazishepherdbitchwhoraisedherlegandpeedallovermySalvationArmysneakers(caninecritic?).Toreversethe'AmericaLast'ominoustrend,IwrotetotheVaticansaying:Isn'titaboutgoddamtimetherewasaYankeePopeforachange?butIgotexcommunicatedbyreturn-mailthoughI'mnotnownoreverhavebeenacard-carryingRoamin'Catholic.ThenIlostmyjobasrubber-testeratacondomfactorybecauseIcouldn'tmaintainanerectionfrom9to5,MondaysthroughFridays.ThenI'mtryingtofixmy6-inch(measuredtriangularly)TVwhichinsistsoncensoringeverythingIview:noviolence,nosexandparticularlynolovesomeladsinadsorotherwise—fateworse'ndeath.Nottotooweeponyourshoulder,tosavemoneyImovetothesleaziestsluminSt.Pete(apromisingaddress:69DicksonRoad)whereI'mreducedtosqueezingthreecupsofteaoutofoneleakytea-bagandseriouslyconsideringhurlingmyselfintothenearestdrownablebodyofwaterwhenthereresoundsaperemptorytattoowithkicksonmyfrontdoor.Oh,sure!ItcanonlybetheIRS,CIA,FBIormyextortionistlandlady.DementedwithdesperatebravadoIopenthedoor,hacklesraisedandpreparedtoresist.Ah,ondunghillsdofairliliesgrow!Hereisoneinfullflower,fivesmallboxesunderhisarm—sellingsomething,naturally.Sympaticoboysarealwayssellingsomething,box'dornot."Hi!"hetwinkles."Myname'sJayan'I'm—""Justamoment,"IsayandhastilythrowatowelovertheTV—whatthatcensor-machinecan'tseewon'thurthim."Comein!"Iinvitemyvisitantvision,wishingforrosestostrewinhispathashe'sajonquilladbeautifulasSolitaryViceandsexierthanStandingRoomOnlyinapeg-house:aYearlingtimes11or12,slimasanarrowshotintotheair,windblownsun-bleach'dblondlocks,pelttosurpassParianmarble,malachite-greenacquiescent(?)eyes,masturbative(?)faintsmudgesbeneaththem,kindergartenears,delicatenose,full-lippedmouthshapedforbillingandcooingthoughchinispossiblyabittoofirmanddetermined—buttimewilltell.Incitingapparel,too:lust-redsneakers,nosocks;see-throughtank-toppinpointingtinyrose-tippedniplets,poked-outSpeedosovermini-briefsthatstimulatemetosoontryforatasteofJay'syoungFruitoftheLoom.Confidentthislittlecitizenhasapantsfulofgoodies,Iensconcehimonmyspavinedcouch,crouchbesidehimallearstohearhissoft-hardsalesboyspielthoughI'veonly$5.39betweenmeandignominiousWelfare.Thekidhandsmeabox—plain,nowrapping,nolabel—andcroons:"I'msellin'BoyScoutCookiesan'youlookhungrysobuysome,please?They'revery...uh,vitamunan'likethat.”"Ididn'tevenknowBoyScoutCookieswereonthemarket."SomesillyUnisexshit,Iassume—likegirlsdonningTrojansandladsinsertingTampax.

"Theyain't,exackly,butIwasaCubScouttillIgotthrownoutfornotknowin'thediff'runcebetweenboysandgirls.""Cometothinkofit,whatisthedifference?”"Mister,youwun'twantIshouldtellyou!Hey,openthebox—onctyouseethecookiesyou'llwant'em.”Flippingupthebox-topIdiscerntendime-sizedmorsels,amberinhue,tencentsapiece."Theylookdelicious,"Itentative."MayIsampleone?”"Notless'nyoubuyawholebox...butwait,I'llgiveyouali'ltaste."Jayspitsonaforefinger-tipandscroogesitaroundinthebottomofthecarton,thenbringshiscrumbydigittomylips.GreedilyImouthhisfingerwhichsuggestivelyticklesmytongueandinformsmethathisboy-fleshisevenmoresavourythanhisbakedgoods."Scrumbtious!"Ilaud"ButatthemomentIcan'taffordthesebonbonsasI'mbrokerthanapolitician'scredibility."(Iscentabuyer'smarkethereifIcanjusthandlethesweetvendorright!)Pouting,theboysprawlsonthecouch,hiskneesnudgingmine."Oh,c'mon,cheapo—youc'nbuyonebox,can'tyou?""We'llseewhatdevelops."Ipickuphisleftfoot,danglingsotemptinglynear,shuckoffthesneaker,cossethispinkwarmimmaculatelittletoes.JayraisestoprophimselfonhiselbowsandgivesmetheoldLaser-ray'Haven'tIseenyousomewherebefore?!'cop-eye."Areyouakink?"hegruffs,sneer-lipped."IfbythatyoumeanamIgagaovergood-lookingboys,thenI'mkinkierthanakinkajou.Sowhat?”"Somydaddy'dlovetomeetyou.”"Really?Doeshegoforover-agemeat?”"No—he'sheadoftheMoralsSquad.”"OWWW-W000!!"Ihowl,instantlyremovingJay'sincriminatingfootfrommylap.Heputsitbackagain."Don'tworry,man,Ineverratonmycustomers.Yougetit?Customers!”"OK,OK!I'llspringforaboxofyourproductthoughit'sbarefacedblackmail!”"Yeah,huh?Totellyouthehones'truth,IwishmyDadwasMafiaorlikethat.”"Why?”"Well,noneofthekidsatschoolwilltalktome'causemypop'sapig!”EmboldenedbythisjuvenileIdeologyofRationality,Ilick-suckJay'spedalappendages,oneby

one:PapaToe,MamaToe(briefly)andtheirthreeteensy-bopsons—Dickie,PeteyandWeeWillyWanksome.Theboysplayshisnetherdigitsformyfullerdelightbutsniffs:"You'rewastin'yourtimesuckin'mytoes'causetheyain'tnevergonnacomeoff.”"Lollipopsy,yougotanythingthatcancomeoff?”"Las'timeIlooked,Ihad.”"Willyouletmefoolaroundwithit?”"Maybe—ifyoubuyallmycookies!”"Itoldyou,Bubchen—Ijustcan'taffordit!”"Thesecookies'respeshul—Imade'emmyself."Hisfacecontortsintoanunlaunderedleer."An'theygotsumpinniceyouwon'tneverfindinGirlScoutCookiesnohow!”"What,what,what?!”Theboyclutcheshiscrotch,shakesitatme."Ijerked-offthreetimesinthebatter!”Thatdoesit!Passioneverscorningcommon-sense,Ihauloutmylonelornfinandexchangeitforthe5boxesofJay'ssemenicbakesmanship,chomponamilk-fedconfection:nicecrunchycrispness,fragranceoffrangipeni,yumsvilleinflavor—definitetasteofpearlykid-stuffinspiringbutterflythoughtsandpastelsentiments.ButonwardandupwardtomoreelevatingecstasiesandIclawattheboy'sSpeedo/briefs,trytopullthemdownbuthebatsmyrut-damphandsaway."Nix,man!AnitatheOrangewouldputtheHexonyou!”"ButIonlywanttoslobberonyourjuicycumquatatrifle!""Uh-uh,noway!Idon'ttrustthemsharpshark-teethyougot!”"Nimsy-poo,IeatitsogentleIreceivedtheBlewRibbonAwardattheOscarWildeSuck-offCompetitionintheGayNineties.”"LemmeseetheBlewRibbon.”"TennesseeWilliams,theawfulturd,stoleit!”"Toughtiddy,man'causemyanswer'sstillNO!”"Baby,youpromisedyou'dletmehorsearoundwithyourneigh-maygoodiesso—”"Idinteither!Isaid'maybe'Iwould.”Hell,ifthere'sonethingIcan'tstandit'saladIcan'tstand—butonemustpersistandpersevere,slowlywithfeeling.Suddenly,sneakilyIattempttofeelhisassbutheeelsawayfromme."Nix!JudianneDensen-GerberwouldputtheEvilEyeonyou!"AndJaytitterslikethe

tinkleofJapanesewind-chimes...atPearlHarbor.Tantalus-totisastudyinfrustration—butPatienceandFortitude!IshalltryforsimplerblissesfromMasterDiabolical."Prettypopinjay,atleastletmeplaywithyourPetStones.""IfIhadPetStonesI'dthrow'ematyou!”"Imeanpermitmetotickleyourtesticklesandrubyourbulb,dearheart—it'llexciteyoursweetcockintocrowing.”"Nix!Mynuts'rebelly-stuckan'ain'tcomedownyet.”Maddenedbythisnegatingyoungprick-teaser,InowbecomepredatoryJayhawk,castprudencetothewindsandgrabhim.Twistingoutofmysweatyhandshedartsaway,Iinbayingpursuit.Hedodgesbehindatable,squealing:"Youlea'mealoneorI'llscreammyheadoff!”"Square!Fraidy-cat!Chicken!”"I'llyellfortheFuzz!”"Pig-lover!”"I'llhollerfortheArmy,NavyandtheMarines!”"Fascist!”"I'lltellmyMommyonyou!"hesqueakstearfully."Sissy!Mama'sBoy!”InaflashIcirclethetablebutchastechasedJay-Jayisagilelyoffandoutthefrontdoor,smatchingupthefiveboxesofcome-cookiesashegoes—atauntinglaughechoingbehindhim.Thecruelbanditohasrobbedmeofeverything—himself,hiscomfits,mylastfin,myfondhopes.FollyandFarewell!Illogicalasafemale,not24hourslaterthelittleRedundanceofVirginityisbackandpoundingonmydoor.ThoughmyheartcriesHavoc!masochistIlethimin,curioustoknowwhatnewInquisitionyoungTorquemadahasthoughtup.Jaypushesmebackonmysaggingcouch,standsbeforeme,northshistank-top,southshisSpeedo/briefstorevealapinklypalpitantpipiskaandplumptwin-figgedscrotumwhichcausemytonguetotautenwithdesire.Shovingtheseprimedelicaciestowithinaninchofmydribblinglips,theweeworry-wartcries:"Here,man—eatandenjoy!”Handstight-clenchedandfingernailsdiggingintomypalms,withwillofwarysteelIdrawback

—suspiciousasaforeskininasynagogue."Damnyourcheatingheart!"Isnarl."You'retryingtoentrapme,aren'tyou?You'llgetmyheadbetweenyourthighsandthenyourdaddy'llburstinwithhomocideinhiseyeandasawed-offshotgunineachhand!”Withhishandonhiscockthekidswears:"No,man!I'mpure-deeontheup-and-upthistimesotake,take!”"Butwhythissuddenchangeofmind?Yesterdayyouwouldn'tevengivemethefuzzinyourdirtybelly-button!”"'CauseI'mpissed-offwithstraights,that'swhy!"Gnashinghisteeth,theboybendstopluckalegal-lookingpaperfromhisleftsneaker."Here,jistlookitthis!”Thedocument—signedbyaJudgeandseveralotherofficialanti-bodies—isterseandtothepoint.Itforeverandinperpetuityenjoins,prohibitsandforbidsoneMasterJayPetersontomakeand/orsellJerk-OffBoyScoutCookiesasGirls'Libhasthesolepatent,exclusivefranchiseanduniversalmonopolyonScoutCookiesofeverysize,shape,sexanddescription!

30.AroundtheWorldinLXXXBoysI.DuringhisfrigidstayatValleyForge,theFatherofOurCountrywarmedhimselfinaConcord,NewHumpshiredrummer-boybynameofJebediahwhocouldn'tdrumworthatinker'sdamnbuthehadtheprettiest,mostpatrioticallypenetrableassintheentireThirteenColoniesandblewthemeat-buglesofluid-fluentlythatGeorgetookhimhometoMountVernonwherehe,JebandMarthabecamethefirstthree-in-a-bedLoveTriangleinunrecordedAmericanHistory.II.AmongpalepricksI'velovedbesidetheShalimarwasaseraphicKashmirkidembracingtenwhomIfuckedinahalloftheTajMahal,Mumtazwhirlinginhergrave,IndiraGandhicallingouttheSikhArmyandshrieking:'TheAmericansiscoming!TheAmericansiscoming!'Mygoodness,thatIndiraissuchascrewball!NotmentioninganynamesbutasfarasIknow,therewasonlyoneAmericancomingatthatparticularmomentbutofcourseatthetimeImyselfwasinSanBerdoowhoisagoodscrewtoo.III.Imetupwiththisnewly-buddedblossomofbackhandednessonabeachinCapetown,atonceworshipfulofhissleek-smooth12erbodyandinnocent-as-milk8erfacebutlikemostwhiteSouthAfricansheisappallingApartheid—inpresentcase,Apartheidfrom50buckstogetintohishide,hecan'tseemeforShit.Itpitiful'dmypricknottopronghimbutthelasttimeIsaw$50inonepiecewaswhenLizzieBordenmadeunkindremarkstoherparentswithanaxe.IV.ArapaciousragazzowasRicowhohadaknotholesotinyIvirtuallyhadtoaugermycockintoitwithavigorousbraceand-bitaction—quitesoul-transcendingI'llhaveyouknowbutlittleRico-chetwasrealdown-puttingprofaneaboutmyboringperformanceuntilIstuffeda$20-billinhisgobatwhichhewasallsmiles,wantedarepeatmatineetostanding-roomonlyatthesamewildlyinflatedHustlers'Unionpay-scalebutIhadtoreluctantdeclineasIjustdidn'thaveanymoreofhisstiffadmission-price.V.InThailandabidemanyFarEasternEcstaticsamongwhomwasalittleBangcockboy-prossieofninewhocouldn'tspeakawordofEnglishbuthisanus-Esperantowassoeloquentlyelegantthatyou'dswearyouwerescrewingYulBrynnerandtheKingofSiaminperson,Queenielookingonandtearingherhairatthesuperiorskillofthekid'sass-antictechnique.VI.Lorencewasaluscious-to-look-at1lerLouisvillelovelyIchanceduponattheKentuckyDerbybutwhenItookhimtomyhotel-roomIdiscoveredhehadtheclap-clap-clapfrontandbackandwhichisn'tthekindofapplausethatismusictomyears.Itriedtosteerhimtoagenito-bungholemedicobuthebalkedlikeascaldedcat,sayingitwasfromafuckin'doctorthathegotdouble-dosedinthefirstplace—andthesecondplace,too!IwroterealindignanttotheAmericanMedicalAssociationaboutthisbuttodatetheirsilenceisdeafening.

VII-XX.

ThirtydayshathJimmy,Johnny,DickandTimmy.Alltheresthavethirty-one

ExceptPeteywhogotProbation.Goodness'sakes,whatdidtheydo?!

TheythrewstonesattheStatenIslandFairy.

31.AFancyBoy'sFancyAllwiseand/ordisillusionedcunt-chasersagreethataGoodWomanishardtofind.I'manonage-scrotum-chaserandIwillinformyouthataGoodBoyisevenmoredifficulttocomebyforevenwhenyoudodiscoverandmutuallydelightthisrarekindofkidlet,Goddamnifalmostovernighthedoesn'tdesertyouforamorerewardingloverorabruptlygrowuptobecomeagawkyhairyhobledehoyfitonlyforfemalesorgaysorlesbiansperverselyhottobeunnaturallyfull-filled.TheonlyliterallyGoodboyIeverknewwasFremont,ahoowee!sweetlingwhoseductivelystreetwalkedpigeon-toedandlookedlikeaclassicallybeautifulVenetianpage,petbedmateandidolofadotingDoge.Hewasadulcet-voicedOriole,oneofthosesorcerantBaltimoreladsanduntilabout1969thatcitytrulywasthebestboy-towninthecontinentalU.S.forithadalongtraditionofman-boylovewhereaffection—anddollarstarvedpuerssoughtsatisfactionbyflaggingdownpassingcarswith2,3,4,or5fingersdisplayedinindicationoftheirprice,subjecttonegotiation.Otheringenioustadsbrandishedlargeplacardsreading:Bananas—$3eachandup!Andtheseboyswerejoyfullyintoeverything:men'sbedsand'dirty'pixandtheywereskilledmale-actorsinkiddy-pornflixandotherwiseadeptindoing'bad'thingsgood!Thenintheearly70'ssomesowfemalegotpenis-envyjealousandupsetthewholecherry-cart.Allofasuddentherewereblaringheadlinesinthepapers,Mothers'VigilanteGroupsstoningout-of-towncars,curfewsandtheFBIthird-degreeingnineandten-year-oldsconcerningtheirecstaticallypaganicsexualmalfeasances.Jeez,you'dthinkqueen-beeJ.EdgarHooverwasstillalive!VerilyHatehasoustedLove,WarhaddefeatedPieceandBaltimorenowisaplague-town,boywise.Thusdidlad-lovingancientGreeceandRomefalltothetoo-hetero,too-matriarchalinvadingHuns.Itistolamentandtodespairandtoplotanoverturnofourultra-uxoriousEstablishment—signupattheSignoftheGreenCarnation.WhenFremontwastenhisPoppa—alip-laceratedloutwhothoughthair-pietartarewastheheightofhautcuisine—ranoffwithanAvonLadywhereupontheboy'sMomma—afrigidtypewhomust'veconceivedFremontbyRemoteControl—conceivedaloathingforeverythingcock'dsowhenevershesawhersonshe'dsnarl:"Fremont,beGoodoritgivesthepancake-turneronyourbutt!"Andinvariablytheladwouldreply:"But,Momma,howcanIbeanythingelsebutGood?!"However,MasterFwasacleverkidandinstinctivelyknewmoreaboutdick-dicksexthanMasters&JohnsonsolikeDickWhittingtonhesetouttoconquertheworldandthoughhedidn'thaveaCat,hedidhaveaprettyPussyandknewhowtogetthemostoutofitwhilegettingtheleastinit—chickenwithlightstuffingbutholdthedressing,garsong!Naturallytheboy'senticingindelicaciesimmediatelybecameSRO-popularamongdevoteesoftheunder-agedangleandforabriefgagatimeFremont's5-inchtaperlitmylifeforitcouldpre-coitalpearladollopofdiamonddewuponsinceresuckplication,hispuer-purePerrierWaterwasprimetothelastshake-outdrops,hisderrierewasdivineandifyourpeniswassanitaryandnottoolongitudeorcircumferentialhewouldmaybeperhapspossiblypermitittopenetratethatSnugHarborbetwixthisbounciblebuns.Heretheonlyflyintheointment(KY)wasthatafteryou'dprep'dtheF-erforpedicationandwerejustabouttoenterhim,thepiraticallittlebratwouldadamantlycontracthisfirmloaves,slammingshuthisbackdoorasheextendedagreedypawanddemandeddoubletheprevious-setPriceofEntry,whichofcourseyouwouldpaydespitetheagonisedscreamsofyourrapedwalletnevermindedspendingonlusciouslads

whospentonmeandFremontnevertoldmehehada'headache'whenIwantedtohumphim(cuntspleasecopy!).Yetatothertimeswe'realllubed-upforarousingrompofAIwhenthiskidwho'sneverheardofMelvillewillmalaproposhiss:"MopeyDick,isthedoorforsurelockedandtheshadesdownandisthatthephoneringingandIsmellsomethingburning!"Myselfburning,cursing,Iscurryaroundcheckinguntilmyput-uponpeckershrinkstoinfantdimensionsandittakestenminutesofartificialrespirationtogettheprickinthemoodagain—Fremontchidingmeforthede-lay!Onoccasionhe'llplayPapainourPapa&MamabedlamicsandthefirsttimethisoccurredIwasuncowaryforyoungboysaregenerallyfiercefuckersandcruellyplytheirlittlescrewdriversasifthey'retryingtodrillaholeinagranitetombstone.TomygratifiedsurpriseFremontshaftedmegentleasahenmountingarooster,lickingmyleftearashelightlythrustsanddelicatelybitingitashedry-comeswhichhecandoaboutevery6minutessohestaysupandinmeforanhourormore—onlywithdrawingwhenmyhystericalprostate-glandshrieks:"Timeout,youbastards—orIsquawktomyUnion!”Fremont'ssupremepleasureistobetongue-fuckedandIobligehimforhisblissismineandonauriferousafternoonsorargenteveningsIkiss-lickdownhisswansdownspinetohiswarmbuttocksandthehotPlaylandbetween—atightsilkboxthatopenstolockaboutmytauttongueasIaugerinandgrippingmethereforhispantingdelightashemasturbatestoclimax,hissteaminganusaconvulsionofspasmsagainstmyactivistinvaderuntilItoomoralessdry-shootingloriousreflectedrut.Ah,yes,thiswantonlittleonewasGood,Gooder,GOOD-ESTineverysenseoftheword—yetAlas&Alack&Tearingof(Pubic)Hair!Ionlyhadthesweetchildforabaresixweeksanditwasn'tuntilafterhe'djiltedmeforcurrency-greenerpasturesthatIlearnedtheboy'sfullnamewasFremontB.Goode!

32.Mother'sDay"Hi-de-hi,Littlesir!Whereyougoing?”"Noplace.”"Whatyoudoing?”"Jistdopin'around.”"WouldyoulikeaniceMr.Goodbarwho'sbeenlookinghighandlowforahead?”"MamaSayIshun'teatcandy'causeitrotsmyteet'.”"Thenhowaboutajumbochocolate-malt?”"MamaSayIshun'tdrinkmilk'causeitdepriveaporelittlecalfofhisdinner.”"Well,howdoesahot-dogoraBigMacwithallthetrimmingsgrabyou?”"MamaSayIshun'teatmeat'causeitheatifiesthebloodan'leadstoallkindsaturr'blesex-crimes.”"H'm,withoutevenlookingIcanseethatyourmotherisapearlamongwomen!”"ThasswhatMamaSay.”"Nodoubt.Hey,Iknowwhatlet'sdo!Let'sgototheBijouwhichisfeaturingalovelyhorse-operawherethepalominogeldingmarriesthegirlandtheheroridesoffintothesunsetcheek-to-cheekwiththevillain!”"MamaSayIshun'tlookatmovies'causetheyisjistspillin'overwithbarnyard-sexan'vi'lence.”"Um,wouldyouliketocomehomewithmeandwatchmynewcolour-TVthat'spaintedred,whiteandblue?”"MamaSayIshu'dstayawayfromtheboob-tube'causeit'sradioactive.”"Sowouldyoumaybecaretolookatsomedirtypictures?They'renottheleastbitradioactivebutthey'rewondrousexciting.”"Dirtypichurs?MamaSaydirtinessisnexttodev'lishnessbutifyouwashthepichursIbetickledtolookat'em.”"Willdo!Oh,bytheway,what'syourname?”

"Bunky.”"BunkyasinBedorinBuncombe?”"Both.”"H'm.Howoldareyou?”"MamaSayI'mtooyoungtoknowmyownmindsoshedomythinkin'forme.What'syourname?”"I'm...uh,theReverendFurbishLousewort,MinisteroftheGodspell.”"Ifyou'reaRev'runtwhyain'tyougotonaass-backwardwhitecollar?”"Well,see,it'smydayoffsoIleftitathome.Comealongnow,Bunky-boo,time'sa-wasting!”Andmiraculouslythesweetinnocent—youcanalmosttastehismother'spermittedmilkstillfreshonhislipsandthebaby-dewlingeringbehindhisears—goeswithme.EitherheisplayinghookeyfromhisMaternalMonster'sstranglingapron-stringswraptabouthimlikeaballoftwineorMamahasn'tSaidthatyoungboysshouldn'tgohomewithstangemenforyouknowwhatthatleadsto!Ahelluvalotof(sucked)cleanlittlecocksrunningaroundtowniswhatitleadstosoquityourfussing,Mr.DistrictAttorney!Andsometimesmycherubicchicklettrotshand-in-handwithmeandothertimesheisskipping,dashing,whirling,leapfroggingGreatDanesorlittleoldladiesbendingovertotietheirsneaker-lacesandIcan'twaittogetmymouthonthatexplosivelittlebundleofenergy—surelymakinglovetohimwillbelikeembracingalow-wattageelectric-chair,theUltimateThrill!Homeatlast,IguidepuffingBunkytotheliving-roomcouchandaskifhe'dlikesomethingtoeatanddrink.IalwaysmakeitaPointofHonortofeedmypick-upspriortosex-playasitimprovestheirperformance.However,theboysays:"ThanksbutI'monnaspeshuldietthatMamaSayIhaftastickto.”"Don'tyouhaveaPapa?”"MamaSayhepassedawayintheharnesswithhisnosetothegrindstone.”Christ,theperilsofwedlockandthefemalehalfwhotooruthlesslywieldsthewhip!IshedabittertearforpoorbrowbeatenPapa,prematurelydeadofoverworkplusnodoubtoverwhelmingdisillusionwithmatrimonyandresultantheirsthefleshisillto."Where'sthefilthypichurs?"queriesmyimpatientyoungvisitorandIscurrytogetthemfromtheirhiding-placeinthecuckoo-clock,makeanoisypretenseofwashinganddryingsameintheadjacentbathroomandpresentthemtomyunawareprey.(Theyaren'treallydirtypixinthejudicialsenseoftheword,YourHonour,astheymerelyportrayhandsomeyoungballeteersnudelyenjoyingoneanotherineveryacrobaticwaypossibleorundreamt-of.)Astheboypores

overthemIwatchhisvelvet-greyeyesdarken,hisnostrilsquiver,hislipspartandhiswetpinktongueemerge,hiscompactbottomagitateagainstthecushions,hislegsspread—andslaveringIfurtherbeholdthatinBunky'scrotchTheSonAlsoRisesfarfasterthanitdidinHemingway'sbook.PromptlyIinsinuateanarmabouttheboy'swaistandapproachmyfamishedmouthtohisseraphiccountenance.Hissmokeyeyesstillmesmerisedbymypictorialgalleryofroguesroguish,Bunkysnatchesupthetelephonebesidethecouchandwithoutdialingbutbetweengiggles,beginstoyellintoittheflammatorycourseofmyfierywooing:"Ma,theRev'runt'smakin'eyesatme!"Ma,theRev'runt'sstickin'histongueinmyear!"Ma,theRev'runt'skissin'mycheeksan'mynosean'mychinny-chin-chin!"Ma,theRev'runt'strynasuckmylips!"Ma,theRev'runt'sopenin'myshirtan'pullin'upmyundershirtan'lickin'mytittiesan'nowhe'satmybelly-button!"Ma,theRev'runt'sunbucklin'mybeltan'unzippin'myflyan'unbutt'ningmyshortsan'he'stakin'outmy-"Ooh,Ma!TheRev'runt'sblowin'me!!”Andthat,Imustshamefacedconfess,waspreciselywhatIwasdoing—mymouthurgentontheboy'sdickwhichmust'vebeenwell-primedbythepixforitwashardasadiamond-headdrillandI'dhardlygotaccustomedtothetangfultasteofitbeforeIfeltthesmoothshaftthrob,theheatedglansswellandwithaconvulsivelurchofhisshapelyloinsandashrillcry,Bunkyeruptshotlittleglobulesofcock-balmacrossmyavidlysolicitanttongue,blastsoutanotherspurtandathirdbeforeheisgaspinglyspent.ImilktheprettypeckercompletelydryandthenasIstarttonibbleontheboy'stightballshisnowlimppenisspraysmyfacewithagushofamberwinebeforeIcangettheburblinglittlehosebetweenmylips.Whenhe'spissed-outanddulyshake-stripped,mysexysweetwantstodoitalloveragain—onceisnotenoughforMasterBunky—andhispell-mellprickisalreadycalisthenicwithinmymouthwhenInotethetimebymycuckoo-chronometer(Cuckooisoutcourtingthecanarynextdoor)andreluctantlyIspitoutthedelectablemorselforit's6:45PMandat7:00sharpmybossiscomingoverforaneveningofGinRummyandifadroitlyImanagetoloseeverygame,theturdmightgivemethatraisehe'sbeenpromisingformonths.Moreimportant,myemployerisaJewishgentwhoisuncognizantofthefactthatI'vecontractedachroniccaseofboy-virus,andwithmyowntwoearsI'veheardhimvociferatethatinhisOrthodoxopinionallboy-loversshouldbechoppedintotinypiecesandfedtoswine—acaseoftheUncleandevouringtheUncleannest.Bunkypokeshisstiffeningprickagainstmylips."Hey,Rev'runt,ain'tyougonnasuckmeoff

again?Igotplentystuffleft!”"Cream-puff,yourcompanyisstimulatingandyourcockastandingovationbutImustaskyoutoleavenowasmybossthe...er,Bishopisarrivingsoontopickup...uh,lastSunday'scollectionandifhecatchesyouhereinshamelessdishabillefromnecktokneesI'llbeupShitCreekwithoutateaspoon.”"I'llhideinthebathroomtillhe'sgone.”"Dearheart,theBishophasaweakbladderandusesthebathroomevenmorethanScottissuedoes.”"I'llgointhebedroom,then.”"You'reinthebedroom,luvvums—thiscouchisconvertible.”"SoI'llwaitinthekitchen.”"Thereisn'tanykitchen,precious—justthathot-plateontheTV.”"Well,Idon'tcare—Ilikeitherean'Iain'tgonnaleave!""Baby,please—youmustgonow!”"NO!Infack,IthinkI'llstayallnight!”"ButwhatwouldMamaSay?!”Bunkygivesmeabigear-to-earJacktheRip-offleerandcoos:"MamaSayIshu'dsitrightheretillyougimme$200cashmoneyorsheisgonnaratonyoutothefuzz!”

33.TheMetricSystemSucksInMunich,southernGermany,Iwasn'thuntingformyidentityasfortunatelyI'dfoundthatwhenIwasfirstabletodistinguishaboyfromagirl,buttherewasaconnectionasIwasseekingtoverifyareportthatBavarianswerepassionatelyfondofthethreeB's—Beethoven,BeerandBoys(inreverseorder)whichinpartwasalife-stylesetby'mad'KingLudwigIIwhowasfarsanerthanhispersecutors.However,penetrativeresearchintoseverallocallederhosenladsdemonstratedthattheirmaleelderswereenamoredofBeethoven,BeerandBach(spelled'Bock')andnotmuchelseincludingtheirFraus—forthesepoorkidswerespoilingonthevineforlackofappreciatorsoftheirgrandstandingcharms.AnotherripeningPuppenjungeofabout12particularlyappealedforhewaswienerschnitzelinfrontandapfelstrudelinback,onehandclaspingasteinofbaby-oilwhilehemadeaFuckme!gesturewiththeother.Ofcourse,Ispeedilyaccostedhimandsaid:"Wiegeht's,IchLiebedich,doyousuck?"(InevermincewordsindealingwithfurrinersthoughfrequentlyImakeahashofit.)Theboydry-spitslikeI'mabadtasteinhismouthandsneers:"YouspeakGermanlikeadogwithhydrophobia!”"Why,yousnottylittleKraut!"Iexclaim."Webeattheshitout'veyouinWorldWarTwososhowalittlerespect!”"Notmeyoudidn'tbeat—I'mstillfighting.”"Howaboutloving?”"Idothatevenbetter.”EnroutetomyhotelIlearnthattheyoungster'snameisHansi,bedishisTheatreofOperationswhereinhe'sskilledinallsexualmaneuvresandthoughheprefersDeutschmarkstoDollars,hewillmakeanexceptioninmycaseforIamhisfirstcustomersinceaweekagolastmidnight.Castingaglanceathisintimateintersection,Iinquire:"Howmuch'veyougotinthatcuteleatherpantsofyourswhenit'sstretchedtothefullestextentoftheLaw?”"WhenIgotupthismorningitwasalloftencentimetres.”Ten!WithparchedtongueIdrymysalivatinglips,consciousthatI'mhotlyinthemoodforabigbratwurstforachangeevenifIhavetogagdownhalfitslength—butdoyouknowwhat?!WhenIde-togHansiinmyroom—savingpantsforlovelylast-Idiscoverthat10centimetrestranslatedintoGod'sSystemofWeights&Measuresaddsuptoameasly3.937inches.

34.TheLadyortheTiger

Tiger,Tiger,burningbrightIntheardoursofthenight-Whatlovinghandoreye

Couldlimntheyluscioussymmetry?

TheBlakianabovewasmyAlmaPuerpep-songatgoodol'GomorrahJuniorHighandwhichwestudentsalwayschantedwhileengaginginintramuralcontactsportsontrampolinorbedorgreenmossyswardandnowthatIyammamanorwhatpassesforone,Istillpantinglypracticethoselovelylessonslearnedat(between)alad'sknees.PresentlyI'mresidingintheSouthwestonthebedraggledoutskirtsoftheMojaveDesertandhavingsomedifficultywithmynewneighbornextdoor—almostbeforehe'smovedin,he'spoundingonmyquailingportal."Peace!"hegreetsinawarlikewhoop."I'mHoratioHorn-blower.”"AreyourelatedtoHoratioAlger?"Iquery."Hewasahorn-blowertoo—tilltheNewsboys'Unionboycottedhimwithabluntinstrument."HesoundslikesomeoneI'ddespisetoknow,"thisHoratiohuffs."Uh,Icameovertoborrowacupofgin—mylady-wifeGriseldaisovulatingorherwater'sbreakingorsomesuchtaradiddleandsheneedsastimulant.”"I'mstrictlyWCTUmyself,"Imendacious,"butyou'llfindaliquorstorejusttwoblockswest.”Hornblowersniffsandclumpsaway—notinthedirectionofthegrogshop.ThatafternoonTigerandIareinourbackyardplayingagrope-gamecalled:'Penis,Penis,Who'sgottheHard-on?'whenHoratioagainmanifestshimself,gawkingatusliketheVirginMaryinapeg-house."Isthatyoungsteryourson?"heasks,lookingdownhissnoopynose."Heavenforbid!"Ireply."I'maboveIncestexceptwhenI'munderneath.ThistastytitbitisTiger,amarvellousbargainIpickedupatNeiman-MarcusinDallasduringtheirclearance-saleintheBoys'Department.”Horatioblinks."Hedon'tlooklikenobargaintome!”"Youshouldonlyseehisbuttercupbottominthebuff!TigerisanOrphanoftheStormwhoranawayfromhome—acasualtyofhisparents'incessantBattleoftheSexes.Nowhewarmsmybedoncoldnights,coolsmedownonhotnightsandrulesmewiththeironrodbetweenhisvelvetthighs.”Myyouthfulfun&gamesterbareshisfangsatHoratio."I'mamachopachucohonchofromTampicoan'Ihategringos!”"Tiger'sgotanimaginationaswildashisYum-Yum,"Iexplain,"butasyoucanreadilysee,he'sblonderthantheson-flowerbloominginhispantsandhislastnameisFairchild.As

Shakespearesays:'What'sinanameifitain'tfittin'?'”"I'mnubiletoboot!"grinstheboy,pluckingathisprecocious11-year-oldtool-kit."What's`nubile'?"askstheneighbournervously.FondlyIdefine."That'saladlingwhogivescreamwhenyoumilkhisthirdteat.”"Wh-whyishecalledTiger?"muttersHoratio,lookinganiotadazed."'CauseI'maman-eater!"theboysnarls."Ilikemymeatraw!”AdoringlyIadd:"Ilikehischerry-tomatoglansandhissentimentalassholewhoalwaystakespityonmyeternallyhard-upcock.”Hornblowerturnsfromwhitetoredtosicklygreen."Youmeantosayyoutwohaves-sextogether?”"Whatelse?Obviouslythere'slittlepointinlovingfemales.”Handtobrow,Horatiostumblesawayandheandhis'navoidusforaweekduringwhichIhearfromthepostmistress—agarrulousoldbiddywhoI'mpositivewouldlovetohaveheritchycuntscratchedbyTiger—thatHornblowerisnotonlyahard-shellfundamentalistpulpit-thumperwhowouldbeatyoutodeathwiththeBible,claimingitwasGod'sWill,butheisalsothekindoflow-lifewhoputsice-cubesinHighLifeandsipsitthroughastraw(MillerBrewingCompanyishoppingmad).Horatio'sfirstwife(common-lawandcommon)wasastinkweedmultiscentnamedMillicent(evenherfingernailshadBO)whoelopedwithaRotarianRoto-Rooterwhosenoseluckilylackedthesenseofsmellso-Iinterruptthenews-bulletinasgossipboresmeunlessitconcernslittleball-bearingsrunningaroundloose."ItrustMr.Hornblower'scurrentwifegavebirthtoabouncingboy?"Isaysincerely."Itwasafalsepregnancy,"myinformatrixsniffs."Personally,Idon'tthinkHoratio'suptoIt!Oh,beforeIforget—there's39cpostagedueonyourletterfromthetax-collector.”LatethenextafternoonIamreadingTheHardyBoysDiscoverSex(theyfounditwhiletakingashowertogether)andTigerisdowntowncasingMopeds—Ican'taffordtobuyhimonesohe'stryingtofigureoutawaytosafelyswipesame.I'mjustgettingtoahotpartinthebookwheretheKYcatchesfirewhenenmassetheHornblowersvulturelydescenduponme,bothappearingsternlydevout,dedicatedanddeterminedbutwithoneeyeonthenearestexit.Griseldaismorepenny-plainthanfancyandlooksasifshe'dbeenputtogetherinthedarkbyadementedMaxFactorandaderangedDior."Wehavecome,"Horatiosolemnlyintones,"toconvertyoutoheteromania...uh,Imeanheterosity.”

"That'sbiasedselectiveimmoralityandafutileendeavour,myofficiousbuttinski,forwaybackinthewombIwasconvertedtoboys—theonlyTrueReligion.”"Youareutteringblasphemy!"shrillsGriselda,white-lipped."IfGodintendedmentoloveboys,Hewould'vecreatedAdamandEverard!”"AndsoHewouldhavebutwhatcouldHedowithjustonelousyspare-ribexceptmakeawomanoutofit?Itrequiresanentirelydifferentkindofbonetomakeaboy.”"Listen,Dukahz,"Horatioharrumphs,"ifwecan'tpersuadeyoutoseetheLightthenwejustmightbeforcedtoreportyoutotheauthoritiesasadegeneratepervertwhoholdsthefatalCupofSintothePureLipsofourInnocentYouth!”"Ifyourbrainsweren'tsoaddledbydogmayou'drealisethatyourso-calledInnocentYouthknowmoreaboutSinthanIeverknewexisted.Furthermore,Ithinkyou'repervertedformessingaroundskirtsbutit'snoneofmybusinessandIdon'tintrudeonyourprivacy.”"ButtheGoodBooktellsus:'MaleandfemalecreatedHethemandthefemalecleaveduntothemale'.”"IfafemalecleaveduntomeI'dtakeacleavertoher.”"Oh!"shrieksGriselda,brandishingabrasscrucifixinmyface."YouaretheDevilIncarnate!Satan,gettheebehindme!""I'dgladlydoso,madam—ifyouwereaboy.”Theystareatmespeechless,benumbedsoIdecidetospreadbaby-oilontroubledwaters."Nowlook,folks,let'sbereasonableaboutthis.Youthinkyou'reright,IknowI'mrightandwecouldarguetillHellsproutedicicles,tonoavail—sowhynotputtheissuetoadefinitivenitty-grittycrash-test?”"Whatkindoftest?"croaksHoratio,cautiously."Firstletmeaskyourgoodladyherewhenherlastperiodoccured—nooffenceintended,ma'm;justthefacts,ma'm.”Griseldablushes,bridleswithawfulcoynessandbleats:"Threeweeksagodaybeforeyesterday.”"Excellent!Nowthesearethebasicsofthetest—thefourofuswillgointoaremotepartoftheMojaveDesertforaten-daystay.We'llbringpup-tentsandamplecanned-foodbutonlysufficientwatertosupplyeachofuswithonequartadayforeverything—drinking,cooking,washing.We'lltakeonechangeofclothingandtheusualcamping-equipmentplusacarbineincaseofmaraudinganimals.Alsobooks,transistorradio,smokesbutnoboozeorlikethat.”Griseldablanches."ButImusthavemycosmeticsandmyTampaxandmydouche-bagandmydouche-powderandmydeodorantsandmy—”

"Youmaybringonlyprotectiveaidssuchassalt-pills,sunglassesandtanning-lotion.TigerandIaregoingwithoutKYoranyotherlubricant.”"AndwhatisallthisGardenofEdenprimitivitysupposedtoprove?"Horatiogrumps."I'mconfidentitwillprovethataslove-objectsunderstress-conditions,theboyisfarsuperiortothefemale.That'swhatthiswholeschmearisabout,isn'tit?”"Butstress-conditionsseemshighlyunfair.”"Notatall!Ifapersonissuperiorinastress-conditionthenheorshehasgottobeevenmoresuperiorinanormalsituation,right?”"Um,well,yes,Isupposeso—moreorless.”"SodoyoubothagreetosubmityourselvestothisharmlesslittleTrialbyOrdeal—ordoyoufeartheoutcome?”"Wearenotafraid,"saysGriselda,loftily,"forwepracticesexinthenaturalnormalapprovedman-womanGod-givenway!”"Ah,butisitthebetterway?Timewilltell.”Onthefollowingmorningthepostmistress'grandsonEbenezer,inhisCountrySquireStation-Wagon(Idon'tevenownafuckin'velocipede!)conveysthefourofusandourgeartoanisolatedspotintheMojave,carefullydolesoutaquart-canteenofwatertoeach."You'llbesuretocomebacktomorrowwithmorewater,won'tyou?"saysGriseldaanxiously."Yup,onequartperdayperperson,likeGranmawsaidbutfranklyIthinkyoupeople'renuts.”"Ebenezer,lemon-squeezer,"growlsTiger,"nobodyastforyoursuckin'opinionsohaulassbeforeIshovemyfootupit!”Horatio,theboyandIsetuptwopup-tentsandthebottled-gasstove,storeourcannedrationsbeneathatarpaulin,digastraddle-latrineandagarbage-pitbehindsomerocks,pausetosurveyourtemporarydomain.Nothingbutsand,rocks,deadcactiandmoresand,emphaticsunanddeep-blueskyoverhead—butapicnic-atmosphereprevails:Tigeriselated,potentialadventurestraightoutofBeauGeste!TheHornblowerslooksmuglyassuredastheysettledownwithVogueandTheChristianMessenger,nowstudiedlyignoringtheboyandme.Earlydaysyet,folks—we'vehardlyevenbeguntobegin.Idecidetokeepadesertlogbook.1stDay:All'swell.FaithfulEbenezerreturnswithourdailyagua-quota.Beef-stewforsupper.Passioninapup-tent—IsubstitutedeepkissesforKYandmybedmategetsagiggling-jag.Griseldawhinesthatwe'remakingtoomuchnoise.2ndDay:All'swellthoughMadameHornbloweractsput-uponasZsaZsaGaboreinanunnery

becauseHoratioaskedhertopleaseusethestraddle-latrineinsteadofpiss-poopingeverywhich-a-whereonthesand.ItellTigerthatGeorgeSanders,oneofZsaZsa'sex-husbands,killedhimselfsobewareofwomen!Theboysaysheain'tfiggerin'nowimmenless'nthey'rerichandoldandblindandlethimcounttheirmoney.Intelligentlittlebastard—perhapsbecauseherefusestogotoschool.He'stakentorunningaroundnaked-nakedexceptforhisAnitaBryantshortswhichshowtwoFloridaorangesfruitilyfellatingmidstthegreengrovesofGestapo-land.Spaghettiandmeat-ballsforsupper.3rdDay:All'sfairlywell.GrislyGriseldawantedtotakeasponge-bathbutherspousewantedtoshaveandtheyspilledalltheirwater-rationinthehassle.Toughtiddy,folks,butyou'llknowbetternexttime—orwillyou?Tigerboaststhathecanshootthesmileoffaskunk'sassat200feet—sohefiresthecarbineataGilaMonstersniffingaroundthefood-cacheandhitsacactusthatgotintheway.Neveradullmomentaroundmyprettytiger-cub.Franksandbeansforsupper.Mylife,mylove,myeverythingfartsinmyfaceasIsuckhisheavenlylittlehump-hole...Iinhaledeeplyandgobackformore.Heigh-hothemerry-oh,ain'twegotfun?!4thDay:All'smediumwell.TheH'snotwastingwateronbathingorshavingbuttempersfrayedasGriseldaobjectstoHoratio'sstubble.Idon'tshaveeitherasTigerlikestheraspofmybeardonhishairlesspubishkaandballsandbuttocksandanusandmouthandeatyourheartout,Horatio!Corned-beefforsupper.5thDay:All'sstillmediumwell.TheH'shoardingtheiraguanow,sippingitslowlyandquarrellingoverequaldivisionofthepreciousfluid.AftermymatutinalcoffeeIgivemyshareofwatertoTiger,getitandhissharebackinhispee-pee,fairexchangeisnorobbery.Kidney-stewforsupper.6thDay:All'sstenchilyunwell.Griselda'sgotthebloodiesandthestinkisvomitous.Tigermovesourtenttoasweeter-smellingsitethenwegoforawalkinthedesert.HefindsanarrowheadandIfindaTrojan-boxwithoneunusedbutdried-outcondominside.TheboysuggeststhatIpulltherubberovermyheadasitwouldimprovemylooks1000%.Ithreatenhimwithapunitivehandbuthekickssandinmyface.Chiliconcameforsupper.7thDay:All'sunweller.Griselda'sstillflowingandlooksasifherPersonahatesherImago.Sunseems20degreeshotterandnottheslightestwhisperofabreeze.TheH'sguzzledalltheirwaterthenwishedthey'dsavedalittleforarubdown.WecouldalluseabathexceptTigerforItongue-bathehimeverynightfromthekneesup.He'dbecleananywayasboyscangowithoutashowerforweeksandstillsmellfreshandsweetexceptperhapsfortheirbusyhandsandfeet.IpointthisouttoHoratioandhelooksthoughtful—ormaybehe'sgotabelly-ache.JokingwithTigerItellhimthatpoorHoratiolooksasifhecoulduseareallyearth-shakingpieceofasssowhydoesn'ttheboygivehimalittlebitoutofthekindnessofhisheartandpart?Mydarlingwrathfullyrepliesthathewouldn'tevenletcreepyHoratiolickhisusedtoilet-paper!Spamandyamsforsupper.8thDay:All'sunwellest.MadameHtriedtobribeEbenezertobringherextrawaterontheslybuttrue-blueEbjustshiftedhiswadofcut-plugchaw-tobaccafromlefttoright,spatanddroveoff.NowtheH'saren'tspeakingtoeachother.Mybeautifulbronzedbed-boyisstillhappyasahoginasynagogueandI'mevenhappierforI'minhim.Hehascaughtandtamedacutetufted-

tailkangaroo-ratsoiteatsoutofhishandevenasdoIinmoreintimateplaces.Cannedchickenanddumplingsforsupper.TheboyandIsixty-nineuntilthetentcollapses—morefun,morebabieskilled!9thDay:All'sswell—forTigerandme,thatis.GruesomeGriseldastillflyingtheredflagbutHoratiodiaper'dherwithhisothershirtsothestinkumisnotsostank.Notherfault,ofcourse,butthereitis—withoutcosmeticsandalltheotherfeminineclaptrapmostwomenlose'face'andTheCurseistheirbloodylegacyfromerringMotherEve,theoriginalSnake-Charmer.SuchadifferencebetweenherandTiger—eachmorningtheboyarisessleekandbrightandnew-mintedasifovernighthewerebornagain,butsheslopsaroundlookinglikesomethingthePolitePussytriedtocoverupbutthegroundwasfrozen.ThatafternoonIamdrool-lippeddevouringTheHardyBoysFagforHarvard,mysweetcubissittingbesidemetryingtomakehiscockstandthroughTransascendentalMeditationalone,MiladyHornblowerissnoringinhertentandHoratioamblesuptojoinus,hishumideyesonmycompanion.Heseemsatriflewild-lookingandunhingedaroundtheedgesbutpossiblytheintenseheat-hazelendsthatillusion.Totallywithoutwarning,Tiger'sdickerectssofiercelythatitthreatenstobursttheseamsofhisshortsandforthwithhethrustshissocial-fingerdeepinmymouthtodelicatelyindicatethathe'sindireneedofimmediatetension-reliefso—Bestill,myheart!eagerlyIaccompanyhimtoourcanvasboudoir.WhenIreturn,leavingthesapped-outboytosiesta-replenishhisvitalfluids,IfindMr.HengrossedintheBrothersHardy.Guiltilyhedropsthesucculentsmutandsqueaks:"Peace!”"Piece!"Imorepleasure-practicallyreply.Horatiocoughs,clearshisthroat."Mr.Dukahz,I'dliketotalktoyouaboutthatlittlediscussionwehadtheotherdayandwhichledtothis...uh,ill-fatedexcursion.”"Ill-fated?TigerandIareenjoyingitimmensely—it'slikeapluperfecthoneymoon.”"That'salltoopainfullyobvious.Now,mindyou,I'mnotadmittingthatyou'rerightandI'mwrong,youunderstand!”"You'renot,huh?”"No,indeed!ButlatelyI'vebeen...er,sortofcomparingthesexes,asitwere.”"Comparisonsareodorousinfemales.Youmeanyou'vebeencontrastingmytent-matewithyours,don'tyou?”"Well,yes,andI'vecometotheconclusionthat...that...uh,Ireallydon'tknowhowtosaythiswithoutoffendingyou.""Speakfreely—I'veasneakingnotionthatyou'reabouttoflattertheboyandme,too.”"Alas,Ican'thelpmyself—it'sbiggerthanIam!”"Soprayelucidate.”

"Verywell,shamelesslyI'llbaremysoulforalltheworldtosee!Please,Mr.Dukahz,withreferencetoyourTigerandmyGriselda—forGod'ssake,let'sswitch!”

35.TheUnboy'ConspiracyInrecentmonthsIhavewithloathingandindignationviewedoveragegirlsandunder-talentedwomenshamelesslypresumingtoassumetherolesifnotprivatepartsofPinocchio,CandlestickJack,LittleBoyBlue,PeterPan,TudorEdwardVI,Hansel,TheLittlePrince,PeterPiper,LittleJackHomer,TheArtfulDodgerandevenpoorlittleTinyTim.Ahme!Isupposeit'sonlyamatteroftimetillIamoutragedlyexposedtoatwat'dChristChildwhoseimpotentDaddyisJosephinaandtheHolyGhostishermaphroditicwithanejaculatingclitoris.Liberatedladiesintheentertainmentfield,kindlylayoffboysforonlyothermalescanplayandlaylittleladswithanatomicalauthenticityandwithoutartificialaids.Inadditiontoburningyourbrasand(byallmeans!)yourusedKotex,youandyoursexasawholeshouldbecontenttotakethe'r'outofMrs.,theMaleoutofFemaleandtheManoutofWomanasIheartilyapproveofsuchandamforesightedlypurchasinglargeblocksofstockinDildo&Vibrator,Inc.,whoseproductsarealreadyinfranti-cunt'ddemand.

36.AupresdemaBlond

AtthesideofmyfaironeHowsweetitis,howsweetitis…

AnitaLoosewrotethatgentlemenpreferblondssoperforceIpantafterthedark-hairedlittlecutiesandthewinsomeimpwhocurrentlysexesmysheetsisdamnnearperfect:Jordanbyname,funishisgame,he'sjustbarely146monthsold,saysI'mafairynicemanandhe'sbeautifulrightdowntothetauttendonsandtenderhollowsinthebacksofhisnacreousknees.Moretothepoint,sweetJordiehasthemoralsofanalley-cat,aNakedLunchassandamilk-shakecockwhosesperm-bankisvirtuallyinexhaustibleforhealwayshasabighelpingofbubblycreamontapasheclimaxeswithbuttock-clenchingardour,hisplumpbulbandtinyanusthrobbinginidyllicunison.Inarecentpopularity-contestathisparochial-school,JordiewasunanimouslyvotedtheBoyMostLikelytoSuckseedsothusandotherwisewewhilethewantonhoursawayinanorgyofloveandlustandlaughter—agoodtimehadbyallbutHerrBeautyrest.Alas,suchEdensneverlastandminecametoascreechinghaltonegloomydaywhenJordiearrivedandwithtearsinhiseyesinformedmethathisfamilywasmovingtoCalifornia,liketomorrow."ButwhatwillIdo?"Iwail."Youareideal,yourfuck-feeismodestandifyouleaveI'llneverfindyourequalthissideofParadise!”"I'llsendaroundmybuddy,Pinky,"sayspracticalJordie."He'snowherenearasgoodasmebuthejustmightcouldfill-intillyoucomeacrosssomethingbetter."(Greaterlovehathnoboythanhewholaysdownhisloverforafriend!)Pinkyshowsupthenextafternoonandhe'saboutthesameage,heightandweightasJordiebutJesus!whatadifference!Thiskid'speckerisonlyso-so,hisballsareho-hum,hisbottomisabummerandhisfaceshouldonlybeseenonHalloween.Atleastheisn'taredhead,beingdrablyash-blondandnicknamed`Pinky'duetohispossessingthepinkestcheeksandpeltI'veeverseenonboysorroses—canhebeDraculaJuniorwhoslurpsbloodallnight?!Rightoffthebathebad-mouthsmyhumbleslumabodeandIdon'tcottontothelittlepricknohowforheremindsmeofnothingsomuchasananimatedturdandI'mjustabouttogivehimtheheave-howhenhesneersthatit'sbeneathhimtomakeloveinassorrydumplikethissohewhisksmeofftohisparents'plushpadonParkAvenuewhereittranspiresthathisMommaisinNapelsbecauseshesimplyadoresItaliansalamiwithmeatballsonthe(under)sideandhisPoppaslaves10hoursadayinhishot-seatontheNewYorkStockExchangesowehavetheplacealltoourselvesexceptforaBlackcook-housekeeperwhoignoresusasshe'sconvincedthatallWhiteysarenotonlydecadentbutcolorless.PinkyhashisownroomandbathandPrince-sizebedbutwhenitcomestosexingitupwithanothermale,hismethodsarebizarrelybrassiere—IhavetowearoneofhisMomma'stit-cradlesinadditiontoawig,elaboratemake-up,girdle,purple-lacestockingandchartreusepantieswhichImustconfessarefarmorecomfortablethanball-huggingbriefsorshortsasthewaistbanddoesn'tcurlandtheygivemypitifuljewelsamplebreathing-spaceandroomtoexpandin.Nevertheless,protestingthisridiculousmasquerade,Iremark:Pinky,ifyou'reso

goneondressingyourpartnerintransvestitegearthenwouldn'titbemuchmoreauthenticifyougotyourselfapieceofcunttowearit?"Thesapientladwrinkleshisnoseandsnarlsthathe'sallergictofish,thrustingintomyhandagold-lacefanwhichIhavetotoywithandplaythecoquette,tappinghimonthecheekwithitandsimpering:"La,youngsir,howyoudocarryon!Ivowyouquiteturnapoorgirl'shead!"WhereuponarousedandpantingPinkyroughlyhurlshimselfontomeandfeverishlygnawsonmywincingbra—thenfrenziedlyrippingofmyfeminineaccoutermentshefebrilelythruststworudefingersupmyposterior`twat'andwithoutbenefitofeventheslightestdabofanysortoflubricant,proceedsferociouslytohumpmewhichnaturallyisatightfuckforhimbutit'sanagonizingscrewforYoursTrulyanddon'tthinkmyoutragedanustookitlyingdown!Well,sir,underthecircunstancesyou'dcertainlyexpectthatI'dgetshedofthislittlemonsterinshortorderbutthefactisthateveryweek-dayfrom9to5I'minPinky'srapaciousembraceexceptatnoonwhenthecook,contemptuouseyesaverted,servesusadeliciouslunchinbedandthere'splentyofprimeboozeathandbymeansofwhichIgetmyunsuspectingassholesothoroughlypissedthathedon'thardlyknowwhatthehellisgoingon—muchlesswhatisgettingintohim.

AtthesideofmyfaironeHowsweetitis,howsweetitis...Because,yousee,Pinkypaysme

Generouslee!

37.PresentbutUnaccountedForInatemporal-spatialsense,historicalperspectiveisaselasticasajoy-boy'swell-oil'dassholeandparticularlyincrackpotCaliforniayoucanbewalkingalongtheCoastanywherefromjustNorthofSanFranciscotojustSouthoftheMexicanBorderwhenallataoncenessyouareplummetedbackinatime-spacethatcanextendfromyesterdaymorningtoEveintheGardenofEden.GeochronogiststermthistheSpace-TimeWarpbutI'vebeenthus'warped'andI'mconvincedit'salltheFaultofthatgoddamSanAndreaswho'saboutassaintlyasLizTaylor'stwat.LikelastTuesdayafternoonIwasstrollingalongOceanAvenueinSantaMonicaandadmiringmynewhonky-whiteHomburgreflectedintherear-viewmirrorsofparkedPorscheswhenallofasuddenbyImperialCommandIamshakinghandswiththeLittleCorporalwhoiscurrentlyshacked-upwithSaintHelenaontheIsleofElba—andasusualhewasfullofcomplaintsandhisnamesakebrandy."Duckass,"henasals,givingmymonikertheGallicpronunciation,"Iampissed-offineverydirection.”"ThatlittleupscrewatWaterloo,Ipresume?”"PerfidiousAlbionshaftedmetherebutminewasthemoralvictory.However,mychiefgriefsarefemale—Josephinewantstocomebacktome,Godforbid,andIcan'tgetridofHelena.”"But,Boney,you'retheonlymaninChristendomwho'sbeenprivilegedtohumpasaint!”"Andlivedtoruetheday!Ihavetokeephercaged-upattheotherendoftheislandbecausesheneverwashesthatbushycesspoolbetweenherlegswhichshethinksisHoly.”"Ismellwhatyoumean."Igag,inadvertentlyinhalingawhifftowindward."TheawfulbagcallsittheOdourofSanctity!"wincesmyhost,holdinghisnose."Speakingofgash,whatIhadinmindisweddingElizabeththeOneandtherebyrulingherrealmthroughthemarriage-bed.LizisWelsh,youknow,andhatestheEnglishasdoeseveryoneelseincludingtheEnglishsosheshouldbeaneasypushoverformyLatincharm.”"IregrettoinformYourMajestythattheVirginQueen'sfuck-holeissotinythatshecan'tevenmenstruate.”"Merde!Anotherstinker!Well,howaboutVictoria?She'sadumpyoldfartatbestbutsheisanEmpress.""Nappy,you'dbeboredtodeathbyVickyevenwhileyouweremountingherasshe'sjustaGermanhausfrauwho'ssocow-stupidshethinksadrag-raceistwoscreamingQueensinhoopskirtscompetinginthe100-yarddash.”"Sacrebleu,Germansareout—theystompedmyassin1870!Still,there'sElizabeththeSecondwhoI'mpositivecan'tbegettingmuchfromthatsenileBoyScout,PrincePhilip,soundoubtedlyshe'dappreciateamachoFrogwhofightswithhisfeetandfuckswithhisface.”

"Sire,LiztheTwoisTeutonictooandajumped-upboorjwahwhohasdelusionsofgrandeur.ShehasdecreedthatEnglishroyaltymayenterorleaveavehicleonlyontherightsidethoughI'msurethatifherRolls'rightsidewasonfireshe'dbethefirsttoexitthroughthewindshield,glassandall.”`MonDieu,Heavenpreservemefromsomeonewhothinksshe'smoreregalthanlam—there'dbenolivingwithher.ButwhatamItodo?Imusthavethatkingdomatallcosts!”"YourFidgesty,thereneverhasbeenatrulyEnglishrulerofthatUntightLittleIslesinceRichardtheTurd,alsocalledTheCrookback.”"Ah,yes,Iknewhimwell—aworthyman,thoughmuchmalign'd.”"Whatyoumaynotknowisthathisdirectandsoledescendantisatwelve-year-oldschoolboyinEnglandnamedEricwhoistheClassofPassionandtheMoldofPornandevenmorebeautifulthanyourlittleson,theKingofRome.”"Ohcome,Duckass,ifyou'resuggestingthatImarrythisErictobecomehisPrinceConsortthenyou'rebarkingupthewrongACtree!BoysaremorehaughtyandindependentandinfractablethancatsthoughImustsaytheycouldonlybeanimprovementoverthesowsI'vehadgruntinginmebed.”"There'snoneedtowedthelad—youmerelysupporthisclaimtotheCrownandestablishhimastherightfulpossessorthereofwhereinyouwillbeRegent,therealPowerbehindtheThrone!”"Monami,thatisaschemeworthyofmyowndeviousbrain—butIcan'tleavethiscursedplaceuntilmyGrandArmyisreorganizedandreadytomarch.”"Noproblem—inthemeantimeIshallbehappytoactasyourAmbassadortotheyoungster.”"Done!YouarenowAmbassadorImperial,MinisterPlenipotentiary,EnvoyExtraordinary—”"IalsowanttobeEric'sPageoftheBedchamberwhenhebecomesMonarch.”"YoucanbehisRoyalInseminatorifyoulikeandI'llevenholdhimdownforyou!Here,haveanothertotofthislousybrandybeforeyourushoff.”TwosecondslaterI'matWinchesterSchoolaskingtoseeMasterEric.WhenhearrivesIblinkdazzledeyesforverilyheisfairerthanaSussexrose—thoughconsiderablythornier."Napoleonwho?"hefrownswhenI'velaidmyplan(andmyheart)beforehim."Bonaparte.Youremember!FirstConsul,Emperor,ConquerorofEurope,Josephine'shenpeck'dhusband?”"Ohyeah,him.LasttimeIwasinParisIjerkedoffonhisTombintheInvalides.”

"Thenyouwastedyoursweetsperm,peachy-boo,forNappy'saliveandwellandkickingonarockintheMediterranean.”"Um,well,maybewecanworksomethingoutwithHenriThree—he'sgotthehotsforsugar-blondslikeyou.”"HankyPanky'ssoswishI'dbeembare-assedtobeseeninbedwithhim.”"FredericktheGreat,then?He'dfighttothedeathforyouandyourfavors.”"I'vehadFreddie—uptohere!Hehumpswithhisswordandspurson.”"TheBorgiaPope'sjustdyingtogetamouthfulofyouandhe'dlaytheHolyRomanEmpireatyourprettyfeet.”"Ican'tstandthemspaghetti-benders—theyeatpizzawhiletheyblowyouandmypeckerhatespepperoni.”"Hey,Iknowjusttheman—JamestheFirst!”"JimbostinkslikeadeadmackerelandI'vehadbetterheadfromtheHeadlessHorseman.”"SinceyouknowJamesie,Isupposeyou'reacquaintedwithShakespeare,too?”"Willy,theBardofAvonCalling?Sure,Iknowthefucker.""Tellme,isittruethathe'sgoneoncomelyboy-actors?”"Ishe?!Why,whenIwasplayingJulietattheGlobeTheaterIusedtocallhimShylock'causehewasalwaysaftermypoundofflesh!”"Didhegetit?”"Hegotacloutinthekisseriswhathegot.”"H'm,you'rehardtopleasebutIgopherladdieswho'rehardtoplease—youshouldpardontheexpression.Let'sseenow,whoelsemightappealtoyourpernicketytaste?Ah,Ihaveit!Sincehe'ssofondofBert'sLance,I'mpositivethePresidentoftheDisunitedStateswouldbackyoutothehiltifnotdeeper.”"Goodol'Jimmy-boywiththeCheshireCatgrin?That'salaugh!Hedon'tknowbackfromfrontnorpricksfrompeanuts.”"LittleNo-no,youtalklikeyoudon'twanttobeKingofEngland!”"Who'nhellwouldwantarulethiscrummypieceofreal-estate?I'maimin'forthetoppatheheap!”

"Don'ttellmetheEmperoroftheWesternWorldissniffingaroundyourscentfulbottom?!”"Hadrian?Naw,he'snuts-deepinsomefuckin'Bithynianboy.”"H'm,itcan'tbeZeusforhe'ssotangled-upwithGanymedethatyoucan'ttellheadsfromtails.""Look,wise-guy,bythistimenextFridayGanymedewillbeoutonhisassandI'llbein—PrinceoftheEarthandHeaven,too!”"Well,congratulations!Itcouldn'thappentoanicerkid—orcouldit?Uh,Ericlove,Iwasjustthinking...sinceyouwon'tbedoinganythinghereathisdopeyWinchesterSchoolbetweennowandnextFriday,couldn'twesortofkindofcommingle,like?Imean,I'dbehumblygratefulforasmidgenofheadcheeseoranyothertoothsometitbityou'dkindlycaretotossmyway.”"Notonyourlife!I'msavin'allamyselffortheKingoftheGods!”"Thenhowaboutadollopofwee-wee?Surelyyoucan'tsavethatuntilnextFriday!”Notwaitingforananswer,impetuouslyIattemptagropethatissincerebutnotsogenteelasI'dintendedforallofanabruptnessI'mstaringintothebusiness-endofafirearmthat.30-caliberborethesamenameastheboy'sSchool—andlaughingfittokill,sadisticEricpullsthetrigger.P.S.NowthatI'mbackinSantaMonicaandtryingtogetmyheadtogether,IwouldjustliketosaythatifanyDoubtingThomasreaderoftheforegoingthinksthat'sthewayitdidn'thappenthenhowdoyouexplainthebullet-holeinmypowder-burnednewhonky-whiteHomburg?!

38.AStateofMind"Baby-bunting,haveyoueverbeenscrewed?”"Oh,man,haveI!Onyever'damndayan'sumtimestwictonSunday!”"That'sallIwantedtoknow!NowwheredidIputtheKY?I'malwaysmisplacingit—aFreudianslip,nodoubt.”"Hey,waidaminnit!Iain'tawkin"boutnofriggin'KY!""But,sugar-boo,Ijustaskedyouifyou'deverenjoyedthedelightsofpassivehumptididdleandyousaidyouhad.”"Idintsaynosuchathing!Wheremypants—Iisgittin'outahere!”"Holdit,tootsums.WeseemtobecommunicatingondifferentlevelssoI'llputitthisway—reallyandtrulyhaven'tyoueverhadanicegentlecockupyourprettyass?”"NO!Iisvirgunfromtoptobottom.”"Oh,comeoffit,honey-pot!AllafternoonI'vebeendeep-kissingyournectar'dmouthandearsandarmpitsandbellybuttonbesidesblowingyouthreetimessoyou'renovirgin—atleastinfront!”"Iistoovirgun!Infack,Iisvirgunerthanthatol'Marywhofoolaroun'toomuchwiththeHolyGoatsan'gotcaught!”"H'm,Isuspectyou'reeithernoncomposmentisorsimplesemanticsisthevillainhere.Tellme,sweetskewbrain,whatisyourdefinitionof'virgin'?”"Saywhat?”"Sayitlikethis—whatdoestheword'virgin'meantoyou?""Isyoustoopidorsumpin'?!ItmeansumbuddyfromtheStateofVirginyuhan'Ibornedan'bredinRichmon'!”

39.FirstCome,FirstServedMy,isn'tthatsweet?Fatherandyoungsonplayingagametogether.Nogeneration-gaphere!What?Oh,grandfatherandgrandson,arethey?Socharming—perfectrapport.What?!Fairygodfatherand—?No,snoopy-skirts—senilesexfiendandsmallboyvictim.Inreverseorder,DanaandDoodoo.Danahe,Doodoome,nudeweinbedplayingagoddamgame.Dana'sseveralcurrentproblemsbandagedorassuaged:scrapeonhisrightknee,blisteronleftheel,29tempestuousminutesofremedialspelling-readinginstruction(ColumbiaTeachers'College,youcouldn'tLook-Sayteachanassholehowtoshit!),meIyearnedonlytosexaroundatrifle,y'unnerstand,forDanaheisamagneticsuckafuckalorumladlingwithblue-blackbang'dlocks,mockingazuleyes,impudentnose,tauntingredwetmouththatinvitesdepth-chargesoul-kissesandhissofthardwarmsleeklittlebodyseducesallfivesensesandESP,too.ButDanahewantstoplaychesssoofcourseweplaychess,Isittingproppedagainstpillows,vibrantboywithhisbacktomesprawledbetweenmylegs,myrighthandwhereeverymoralrespectablelaw-abidingAmericanadultmale'sdigitsshouldn'tbe,mypalpitantpenispressedintothesatin-smoothhotlittlebuttocks'-cleft,chessboardatiltbetwixtDana'ssilkythighs—andIhavingthefarsideofthebluddyboardperforcemustass-backwardmoveagainstmyself,sorrystoryofmylife!Frankly,InevercouldmakeheadnortailoutoftheperishinggamenohowfortheideaseemstobetoscrewtheKing,buggertheBishop,cornholetheKnight,jerkoffthePawnsbutneverneverneverfuckthefrig-gin'Queen!Well,who'dwantto—givenatoothsomebaby-loveclaspedtightbelly-to-back?!Meanwhile,thisexistentialexchangebetweendewyyoungYouthandhoaryhornyOldAge:Yourmove,Doodoo.Ijustmoved.Noyoudint,Doodoo—Iwatchin'you!Ididtoomove!Imovedthisheresinful-lookingPawn.Jeez,thoseitty-bittylittlepiecesplungemeintophallophilicblisstasy—iftheywereblush-coloredthey'dlookpreciselylikeyourpreciouslittlepeeknuckle!Don'ttalkdirty!Danalove,youdon'tknowwhatisdirtyandwhatisain'tdirty.Iknowonethingfordamnsure—youisafilthyoldman!Sowhyyoucometoseemeeveryday,rainorshine?Icomeforyourtwobucks,stoopid,notforyou!Besides,youistheonlycocksuckerIknowthatcanplaychess.(Candidlittlecrud,isn'the?!)Cuddly-boo,youevernoticedthatwhenyouwinagameyourprettypinkpenissimusstandsatattentionbutwhenyouloseyoursweetbarometerfalls?Why'sthat?Doodoo,can'tyoueverkeepyourcrummymindabovemybelt?No,anddon'tlooknowbutyouain'twearingabelt.Iisgonnagiveyouabeltinyourbigyapifyoudon'tshutupan'move!OK,ImovethislovelybitofsuedeskindownandthenImoveitupanddownagainandupdownupdownSeesawMargeryDaw–Doodoo,ifyoudon'tstopfoolin'aroundwithmypeckerIisgonnagitdressedan'gohome!Ha!Ha!Youcan'tgohome'causeIhidyourpants!ThenIputonyourpants.Ho!Ho!Ijustsentthemtothecleaners!SoIgohomeinmybirthday-suit...move!Allright,Imovesouthtothesesquirmylittlepet-stones.Mygoodness,they'rehardashick'ry-nuts!Ifyoudon'tquitsqueezin"emtheyisgonnabemash-potatoes.Doodoo,pleasetakeyourhandoutathere—howyouexpeckmetoconcecrateonthegame?!OK,Itakemypawnawayandsneakitdownunderhere!Heavenlydays,Icanfeelyourhotjuicylittlefun-hole!Thatjakewithyou?Ifyoujistfeel—butyouputonefingerinIgorighthomean'tellmyMommawhat

youisawwaysdoin'tome—Iwarnin'you,Doodoo!Oh,Danadarlin',youletmedoitbefore!Thatwasbefore—this'sBehind.Baby,why'reyousomeantome?Don'tcallmebaby—Iackolderthanyoudo!True,true.Tellmesomething,sugarplum.WhydoyoualwayscallmeDoodoo?Because.Yeah,Iknow—butwhy?Becausebecause.Tiddly-boo,ceasethedouble-talkorI'llshovetheQueenheadfirstupyoursweet-honey'dhot-box—notthatshewouldn'tloveit!Idon'twannatellyou'causeI'dbetalkin'dirty.Tellme,angel-puss,orthischessboardgoesbangoutthewindow!OK,youastforit!See,whenIwasakid–Whenyouwasakid!Howthefuckoldareyounow?!Oh,Doodoo,Iistoldyouan'toldyou—Iisninegoin'onten.So,ninecreepin'onten,whathappenedwhenyouwereakid?Well,thenwhenIhaddatakeacrapI'dsay,'Mommy,bringthepotty,Igottamakedoodoo!'Oh,poopy-doo,you'recruelerthanawomanscorned!HereIadoreyourbodyandassoulandyoucallmeshit!YouhaddaknowsoItoldyou.Hey,checkmate!IgotyourKingbytheshorthairs!Soyou'vefucked-upmyKing,haveyou?OK,whatyousayweforgetthissillygameandpartakeofanicesliceofsexualreciprocity?SpeakEnglish,Doodoo—Iain'tnofriggin'dickshunary.Gettingtothebottom-line,canIpleaserideyourGoldenAss?No!Youpromisedtoplaythreegamesofchessandthishereisonlythefirstone.Anythingforyou,kiddy-boo,andifyouwinallthreewillyouletmemountyoubareback?Maybe,I'llthinkaboutit...an'don'ttalkdirty!HowmanytimesIgottatellyou?OK,I'llbegood.Yourmove.H'm,Imovethisjerky-lookingBishop.Oh,Dana,Idoadmiretokissyourangelears!Istheydirty?Uh,they'renotthemostsanitaryinthewholewideworldandthat'safact.Thenlickthemclean'causeIisawwayscatchin'hellathomeforscummyears.Yourmove.OK,Imovehere.Thatthewrongway,Doodoo!Butthis'stherightone.Oh,God,you'relikeasweetlittleginger-breadboy—Iwanttoeatyouup!Ifyouisturnin'intoacannibull,Doodoo,Iishaulin'ass!An'whutIjistgitthroughtellin'you'boutplayin'withmypecker?Yousaid`Naughty,naughty!'Well,Ichangemymind.Keeponplayin'withit—faster,harder,holdittight!Happytooblige,babba-loo!Rub-a-dub-dub/Twoballsinatub!Oh,Doodoo,whutyoudoin'tome?!Iisgittin'afunnyfeelin'that'sdiffrunt!Howisitdifferent?Ooh,itlikeIgottapeerealbadbutnotlikethateitheran'itain'tlikebein'jerkedbeforebutkindalikesump'nsuperisgonnahappen!Uh,oh,ooh,faster,Doodoo,rubmehard!Likeso?Yes,yes!Oh,I'm...I'm...Oh,ooh,000h,DOOdoo!!!AndI'llbeano-goodbastardifninecomingontenwithamaoaninglyviolentconvulsiondoesn'tcopiouslyexplodevirginboy-milkallovertheQueenonthechessboard!QuickasawankIsnatchupHerLuckyMajestytosuckcleanhersaturatedself,thenlast-dropstripstill-seepinglittleDana—ineffableFirstofThingsfewmortalsknow!ButnowI'mmuchconcernedaboutQueenie.SomeofDana'sdivinitieddewmust'vepenetratedherprivatesassheisbelly-swellingmoreeachtimeweplaywithher—theboyproudlycrowinglikethemacholittlecockerelheis.Well,it'spreciselywhatmyGranmawwasforeverdinninginmyskepticalears:`Cazzymeer,myporeidiotchile,'sheusedtosay,rappingthebowlofhercorncobpipeagainstmyshrinkingskull,'neverfergitthataboy'sFirstComeissocarnationpowerfulitcanknock-upaknothole!'(Uh,Danasaysyoushouldkindly'scusemefor

talkin'dirty.)

40.AroundtheWorldinLXXXBoysXXI.AnticipatingsonatasofSuck,farandolesofFuck,Ifollowedthisflirtysweet-asschildfourbreathlessmilesbutwhenIcaughtuptohimandmademypitchittranspiredthattheyoungster'salreadygotamadlyjealousswainwho'sencasedhischerish'dCherubinoinfinesteel-meshbriefssecuredbyaburglarproofcombination-lock.NaturallyI'mmuchchagrin'dbythisdisplayofdefeatingarmourbuthavetoadmitthatthekid'sEndcertainlyjustifiedtheMeans.XXII.NasarulwasaneagerlybrownsomeCeyloneseof12whosespicyanussmelledofginger'causehewasfondofcurry.Inamoon-madnessmomentItonguedthesweetling'sunswabbedassholeanddiscoveredIlikedcurry,too—eventhoughIgotitsecondhand.XXIII.Iwasnotonlyinebriatedbutdrunkandonaboy-jagwhenIpickedupthischatoyanthouriwithballsstandingintheentranceofPoliceHeadquarters.Iwhiskedhimhome,paidhiminadvance,tookhimtobed,forgotwhatItookhimtobedforandfellasleep.LatenextmorningIwaketofindhimgonebutahosannanotepinnedtohispillowsaid:'Youdintblowmeernuthin'soIjerkedofftwictonnaplateinthekitchen.Seeyoutonite.Love,Flip.'IrushtokitchenjustintimetoseethecatlickupthelastofFlip'sthickcrystalkid-come.XXIV.LePagewasthelastnameofthisadhesiveAmorosowhomIrecollectmostvividlyasIwasnotonlystuckonhim—Igotstuckinhim.Howithappenedwas,thelittlepunkhadanurgentdatewithhisgirlsotosavetimeIusedasmallStafford'sGluebottletodilatehisbang-holeduringwhichtherubber-topcameoffthebottleresultinginmuchspillagebutneitherofusnoticedthisintheheatoftheensuingpenetration.Well,sir,Iwasmucilagedsolidascementinthatepoxy'dstudforthreehoursand72minutesbeforehewasfinallyabletoshitmeout.Hecougheduptherubber-toptwodayslater.XXV.Sweet12erPukinitiallyrepulsedmyimproperadvancesforheispureasdistilledangel-sweatbutitwasinfatuationatfirstslightformesoIperseveredwithyoungMissionImpossible,tellinghimthatman-boylovewasthemostnaturalpassionintheworldforitwassimplyacaseoflikehotforlike,nocomplicatedBattleoftheSexesnorstrangeandhostilebodilyterritoryinvolved—andatlonglastIgethimnudelysupineonmybedandkisshispinkcock-headandlick-suckitandshylyhewhispers:"Uh,justwhat'mIs'posedtodohere?!"andIreply:"YoujustlayniceandlooseandletmedothedrivingtillNaturetakesitscourse."Andatonceit'sapparentthatlittlePukhasaninbornhard-onforfagsbecauseinhalf-a-minuteflathisstiffpenisispointingattheceilingandaquarter-minutelaterhegasps:"Ooh,Duke,I'mawfulsorrybutmyerection'sgonnaself-destructin5seconds!”XXVI-XXVII.Ivorhadskinsoftaspinkwhipped-creamthoughhewasnotsooompyashisbrotherIan(no

classtohisscrewing)neverthelesshewasadamsightbetterthantheirsisterImogene,asadisticmenacewhoI'ddespisetofuckevenwithPinocchio'sprick.Andlook,Imogene,willyoukindlystopwritingtomeonthebackofpagestornoutoftheCaliforniaPenalCode,SodomySection?You'reaboutassubtleasahangman'snoose.Andno,youfishyfreak,PreparationHisnotagargle;ifit'sgarglesthatsendyou,IheartilyrecommendLysolfull-strength.Alsono,IknownothingaboutthecareandfeedingofundescendedtesticlesbutifyoupossesssamewithacockadjacentthenforgettheLysolandcomeseemeinstanter—couldbewecanworksomethingout.XXVIIIthroughXXX.Duringthecourseofmycarnivorouscareerasaboy-loverIhadtheilllucktoencounterthreebeautifulbrothers(12,10&8andaquarter)whorightupandtoldmetomyscandalisedfacethattheymuchpreferredtheirfiststomypersonalised,custom-madefellation.ItoldWkynken,Blynken&Nod(thuscalledbecausetheywereasleeptothemostparamountofsexualpleasures)thattheirsweetorgasms,wetordry,justgotowasteindullguiltyself-abuseandaccruingnolovelycashorotherbenefits—whereasaprofessionally-doneblow-jobcannotonlyenrichthembutcatapultthemwayupalongsidetheheavenlycherubimimpaledonthebonylapofGodHimself,balmofGileadforlubricant.Alack,thistrioofjerkswereneitherimpressednorpersuadedandpursuedtheirperversewaywithdoggeddetermination.Istrivetoflushthesebull-headedlittleturdsdownMemory'stoiletbutOh!theyweresobeautifulandinfancykeepcomingbacktohauntme.Itrust,however,thatsomemoreplausibleprickthanIwillbeabletoconvincethesweetauto-eroticsthatfellationbeatsmasturbation—handsdown.XXXI.DespitehisNipponesename,KenjiwaspureimpureScandian—aheavenlypsalmofpink,whiteandgoldjustnegotiatingpubertyandendowedwithafissionablepenis,lemonade-tastingpeeanddropletsofcreme-de-cockaocome.IwashappilycontentwithjusttheseboyishbenisonsbutmyheadstrongprickwhoheadlongrushesinwhereevenIfeartotreadiswildtobecomeamemberingood-standingofKenji'sselectinnercircleandtothatendroughlyessaystoassaythelad.Alas,myswashbucklingprickandIbothgetdumpedonourrespectivebuttsforKenjiisaveritableKingKongofKarate.XXXII.Dexterwasdextrousinconnubialcapersforhewasblessedwithdextrose-tastingsperm,sucrose-savour'dwee-weeandaglucoseassbutIhadtogivehimtheheave-hoashewasjusttoodamndraftyformypieceandcomfort.See,hisfavouritearticleofdietwasanykindofbeanfromLimatoMexicanJumpingandhisresultantfartsweresohurricanethatheblastedmytongueoutofhisblow-holeeverytimeItriedtoAnnieLinctushim.IevenhadhisrectumicexhaustMidasizedbuttonoavailforwhennextIhumpedhim,hisbreakwindswereevenmoreprodigiousthanbeforeandblewmyout-burstingsemenbackintomyballs.XXXIII.ThefirstsightofEustacemagnetic'dmefroma100feetawayandeventhoughfirefliesclusterabouthisfire-flyandheintimateshe'dlovetohavehisinner-tubeblowedout,discretiondictatesthatIabjurehishyperbolicpresencefortheboy'sMamawhowasMissVaginalDeodorantof1962isnowatoptoplesswrestlerandhisPapaisaburlylongshoremanbydayandaknockdown-dragoutbully-bouncerinaBowerysaloonbynight.Fiendishlyfrustratingin

totoasEustacelooksmuchlikehisMotherwhoisprettyprettyinaCircesortofwayandhealsohasalotofhisFatherinhim—about8inches.XXXIV.AlittletittyboowithetherealallurewasMerlewhomIluredtomylairbymeansfrownedonbytheUnitedMinor-Workers'Unionbutit'severymanforhimselfthesedays.Kidletmedenudehim,revealingaperfectopenisIwaspermittedtolookatbutnottouchandrapidlyI'mreducedtoatearfulstutterand-begmanbutMerlemerelyturnedhisbacktome,bentover,partedhisbravurabuns,focus'dhistinyanallensatmeandsaid,'Click!',takingmyphotographwithhisbrazenBrowniecamera.IhavethepicturerightherethoughIhadaterriblehassleprocessingitforthekidsquawkedtoHighHellwhenIsathiminthedeveloping-tray,complainingthatthechemicalsburnedtheshitoutofhisasshole.XXXV.Vergiliowasthenameofthissucculentsliceofgamineriewhoseonlyfaultwashehadatwin-sisterVirginiawhowasapestofthefirstorder—everytimeIsawherIreflexivelyreachedfortheFlit.OncethroughtheU.S.PostalServiceyetshesentmeapostcardofSanQuentinincolourandonthebackshewrote:"DereCashmere:Istheresuchofathingasa'swingingfuck'?Notthatyou'dtellmebutI'mastin'anyway.Andifyoudon'tstayoutamykid-brotherIamgonnasquealonyoutothefuzz.Yoursinceerfriend,Virginia."ForaminutethereIseriouslycontemplatedsendingherabombinaboxofFarmer'sFannyChocolatesbutmybetternaturegottheworstofmeandinatriple-sealedletterIpolitelyreplied:"Yes,Virginia,thereissuchathingasa'swingingfuck'whichembracesatrifleofacrobaticswhereyouhangabare-assboy(herownkid-brother,asamatteroffact)byhisheelsfromafriendlychandelier,suckhimoff,drinkhimthenstandonarockingchairforaniceRockabyeBabyscrew—butbecarefulthatthechairdon'tskootchoutfromunderyouwhichmightcauseyoutofractureyourerection.LoveandHissesfromKashmir".

41.Nocky

"Oh!"hecriedinaccentswild,"PullitoutorI'llgetachild!”

Despitewholelibrariesofcontradictoryfalsities,whenayoungboygoes'wrong'it'susuallyhispeersorhisparentswhoaretoblame—notpederasts.Yah,Iknow,I'mprejudiced—butI'veheardahelluvalotofpertinentcase-historieswhichbearmeout.Forexample,there'sNockywhomIencounteredslumpedonthecurbbesideasuburbanmail-boxwhenIwenttopostaletter.Hewasabout12,small,slim,gracefullyformedandsweet-facedthoughtearsobviouslywereabouttobreakforthsoIsatdownbesidehim,profferingaHersheyAlmondbarbywayofintroduction.TwoSuper-cheeseburgersandaDoubleBananaSplitlaterIlearnthatthesadstranger'snameisEnochbuthe'scalledNocky,he'shalf-past13and,istotingaspilling-overcarloadofwoes.Mostgrievousofhissorrowsisthathedearlylovedhisfather,deadofcancerthispastyear,andhisfrivolousunmaternalmotherhasevermadeitpainfullyclearthatNockywasanunfortunatemistake—she'dwantedagirl,ifanything,andfurthermoretheboy'sveryconceptionwasanirritatingcaseofmistakenidentity:hotforzig-zagbuthalf-asleep,Mommy-poohadfumblinglyshovedanAlka-Seltzerinsteadofherdiaphragmupherimpatienttwat(puzzledatthetimebytheunusualbutnotunpleasanteffervescentaction),butPlop!Plop!Fizz!Fizz!Oh,WhataReliefitWasn't!!forNockywastheoutcomeninemonthslater,MotherDearbeingareluctantbutadamantanti-abortionist.Asifthatweren'ttraumaticenoughforthepoorlad,henowhasastep-father,atall,darkandloathsometennis-bumwhoishunglikeastud-stallionandsneeringlyreferstoNockyas'Runt'or'SmallChange'—andtheboy'scock-smittenMamacallouslyconcurs.GraduallyIconsolethechild,imbuinghimwithasenseofhisownworthandimportanceandbeforelonghebrightensconsiderably,smilingandchatteringuntilIventuretoputanavunculararmaroundhimandhesnugglessoclosethatI'memboldenedtoslipahesitanthandbetweenhiswarmthighs.Atoncehespreadshislegswide,obviouslygratefulforthepersonalattentionandmyintentions—andsincehe'sbeentemporarilylocked-outofhisunhappyhomewhilehiseldersaredoubtlessdouble-back-beastingonliving-roomcarpetorkitchen-table,Nockyreadilyaccompaniesmetomyhome,pausingenrouteforchocolatelayer-cakeandcocoa...awell-stuffedkiddieisagilt-edgeinvestment,Ialwayssay,andgenerallypaysoffintheend.Alack!WhenIdisrobemyyoungprotegepreparatorytobeddinghim,Ifindmyselffacedwithabear-market—hislivestockismorethansomewhatdepressedforhe'sbony-limb'dandtorso-scrawny,hislipsareoutofkiss-bounds,histittiesaremidgetumbersmearsonhismeagerchestandhisbelly-buttonismorelint-thanlust-producing.Ofhiscockheapologeticallyremarks:"IguessmyDinguswun'tgiveLindaLovelacenothrill,wouldit?"andwhichistheunder-overstatementoftheyearforhistwo-inchcliptpeniscan'ttakeafirmstandonanything,notevenanejaculationandhisdwarftestesaremorefictionthanfactandtheydon'tswingloose,halfhisinfantscrotumbeingstillfondlyattachedtohisperineum.ButIamtouchedbyhismodestyandhisneedforaffectionandego-bolsteringsoIpraisetotheskiesallhispartsand

lick,tongueandsucksame(plusacquiringapee-peetransfusionofpurepuerplasma)toNocky'sshrillyvocaldelight.Forafewhours,atleast,hehasforgottenhistribulations.ThenIturntheboyover—andwidenmyeyesinastonishedsurprise!Inthederriere-departmentNockyisunexcelledforhesportsabeautificbowerbehind—roundfirmpair'dpinkradiancesguardingthesweetsancturarywithin.BythesheerestgoodluckI'vewentandgoneandgotmyselfafoundlingdivinelyfashion'dtobefucked,hehasnomoralobjectiontobeingfucked,he'dliketobefuckedashe'softenpleasurablyfinger-fuckedhimselfinthelonelyreachesofthenight—buthe'sscaredshitlessofbeingcock-fuckedaunaturelbecausehemightgetknocked-up...andnothingIcansaywillconvincehimotherwise.Inthemeantimemyimpetuousprick,drool-liptattheprospectbeforehim,isclamouringtogetapieceoftheactionsoheatedlyIwheeze:"OK,Nocky,nosweat—I'llwearacondomthoughsuchisn'treallyme,youunderstand.Idon'tlikeanythingbetweenmycockandanassholeexceptathinfilmoflubricant.”Theboydeclaresthatyoucan'tputnofaithinrubbers'causetheto-and-frofrictionwearsholesin'em—andthenwherewouldhebe?!"SoI'llgiveyouasoap-and-waterenemarightafterIcome—flushallthosefiendishlittleseedstohelldownthetoilet."Nockyopinesthatanenemawouldbetoolate'causethemsneakyseedstravelamileaminuteoncetheygetintoyourrecktum.Sowhattodo?Passiveandactive,we'rebotheagertohumpbutcan'tagreeonthemodusoperandi.Forasolidhourweamicably,torturouslywrangleuntilfinallyNockysays:"Well,mister,youbeenrealnicetomesoI'mgonnadoityourwayandtakeachanctongettincaught—butfirstyou'llhaftagooutandbuymeaboy-sizediaphragmandabottleofthemthereanti-babyPills,y'know?”BrieflyIwonderwhyheissoafraidoftheimpossibilityofcomingdownwithchildbutperhapssomeofhismother'saversiontopregnancyhasrubbedoffonhim.Atanyrate,I'mrelievedhedidn'talsodemandIUDsorfoamsordouchesorrhythmsthatdon'trhymesoIdelaynotinthespeedofmydeparture.Atthelocalpharmacy,thePillsprovenoproblemtoprocurebutthedruggist(acloset-heteroifIeversawoneandwhopatentlysuspectsthatI'macradle-snatcher)curtlyinformsmethatImustbesex-identityconfusedfordiaphragmsarearedundancyinaboywhereasthey'reanecessityin,say,anineyear-oldgirlbutshewouldhavetocomeintobemeasured.Covertlyshiftingmystiff-neck'dramrodtoamorecomfortablepositionagainstmybelly,Igroan:"Thedeviceisforamorfyditesojustgivemethesmallestsizeyouhaveandhurry,please—I'minextremis!”Homeagain,NockygulpsdownthreePillswhilelovinglyIlatherhismoreorlessvirgineyeletwithslathersofJerken'sLotionandwincinglyhepokesthediaphragmdeepinsidehim,shovesitfartheruphimwiththeaidofmyscrew-happyballpointpen.Crawlingoverhim,Iguidemyleapingcocktotheinfra-redlittleintersticeandgentlyroughlyslowlyswiftlypushandpushharderand…

AndOh,God!thesweetkidfucksfabulous,instinctivelyheseemstoknowhowtoworkupunderagoodmanorhissociablefingerandtooquicklyIfeeltheonsetofashiverydeliriumandsobbingIthrustallthewayinand…Andthatdevilishdiaphragmmust'vehadapowerfulspringinitsbacksidefornosoonerdidmyrock-hardglansbuttagainstitthanI'mbeingpropelled—shriekingcockandall—outofNockysoforcefullythatIlandonmybackonthefloor,myloadsprayingallovertheceiling.

42.Wet-DreamerOnceuponaJunenight,scentofroses,moonlight,inmybedalovelyladwet-dreamedinmymouth.Marny,hairlikesunlightlock'dinamberwine,boyfacelimnedwithNature'sownhue,formsculptedPhidiasperfection,12-year-oldrunawayfromDover'dDelawarewheremilkystriplingssexilytongueL'sintoW's—'Iwiketobefeewatedifyou'dwiketofeewateme,pwease,sir!'Marny,smallgodavailable,hungry,tired,dirty,lonely,stumbleshomewithmetobefed,bathed,comforted,myrewardagratefulsmile,mumbledshypromisesoflaterdelights.Wearylittleonefallsintomybed,likeahurledstoneplungesinotdeepslumber.Ijoinhim,notembracing,notcaressing,marvelatrose-glowofsmallboy-body,reflectionofcrimson-shadedbedlamp?Lampout,lewdmoonbeamsintrude,subtlyravishunawareyoungflesh.Avaunt,moon!EnviousLuna,away!YouhavefairEndymion,thisfairerloveismine!Shroudedlamplitagain,nowthereverentnightwatch,lover'svigiltowakefulwonderandadmire.Lyre-shapedbreast.Brightcoppercoinsofnubbinnipplesandsurround.Navelweealabasterchaliceinvitingbrimfulkisses.Pubiccurlsdelicatescrollofgold.Penisslimpinkprismpalpitant.Scrotumtenderlotus-budinwarmpoolofthighs.Worshipandadore—hereisborrowedCupid,bow-and-arrowalertforthetargetheart.Church-towertollsmidnight,bewitchedhour.Voyagertosomedistantdisturbingshore,boytwists,squirms,reachandflexofsuppleyounglimbsasheturnstowardme.Lipsparted,hismilkybreathquickensagainstmycheekasslenderpenisstirs,cushion'donnetherthighgrows,becomelustrouslittleLanceofLove.Islipdowntorosypenis-tipprobingbeyondcircleofsatin-softsex-skin,intimacyofprivaciesscantinchfrombliss,closermove,breathlesslylip-surroundbutdonottouch,donottouchtheswollenthrobofyearningboy-glans,containedheaven,waitinambianceofsoonecstasy.Restlessladurgentnow,lissombodytenses,asharptwitchandmoaninggasp,impassion'dyoungloinsconvulseandIfeelvibrantpenisleapinmymouthasitsineffableofferingtoErosstreamshotacrossmytongue,pulsesliquidlyagainandagain.InbeatifichushoftimeIholdmysmalldarling'screamyreveriewithinthenreluctantlyswallowtosolicitlastpearl'ddrops,beautifuldreamerquiescentbeneathme.Hissopreciousgiftunknowingbestowed,youngstersighs,stretches,slipsoutofmeandgentlyIgatherhimintomyarms,enfoldhimtenderly.Whatdoesadreamtastelike?LikeParadisePossess'd.

43.TheUnpaidBillI'mmostgratifiedit'sthecase,buthowcometheproclaimedjuviedelinqortheundetectedwaywardladisusuallyfarmorepersonable,desirableandsex-sociablethantheuptightyoungsterwhodullytrodsthestraightandnarrow?PossiblySocrates,wholovedwantonbathhouseboys,couldenlightenusbuthe'spresentlysoplasteredonhemlockthatIcan'tgetacoherentwordoutofhim.ABoyAboutTownisBillandashiningexampleofthedelectablesexualdelinquentyou'dlovetotakehometoMotherifMotherwasout.Thekid'sjustbarelyagenerallybare13,pillow-tumbleddarkhair,liquidlapuslazulieyes,pepperystuffedpeckerandatightlittlecabooseatwitchforpleasure-tripsallalmostinvariablyforfree!Thedelightfultruthis,Willyumisanear-geniusatticklingtheivories(pianosnotcraps)andaWhiz-KidatchesswhereBishopskisshisfingersandQueenslayathistouch.AndifyouInnerspringhimanddally-dillywithsweetBillyyou'llfindhe'snottheleastaversetototalforegroundlend-leaseandthenhe'llturnoverasdocilelyasapageinabookorinthecourtofamisogynistmonarch—andtheincredibleculminationtothewholetransactionisthattheladisaspreoccupiedwithplanstoimproveSteinwayordefeatSplasskythatheforgetstoaskforthewagesofhisstriplingsins.Naturally,hesoonisfamousfarandwideas`TheUnpaidBill',becomingsopopularwithboy-consumersbothimpecuniousandaffluentthatwhereverhewenthewastrailedbyalong,pantingqueuelikethetailofacometinheat.Ofcourse,IwasrightattheheadofthecortegemyselfasIwasafflictedwithasevereattackoftheMicawberMalaiseatthetime,soeatingonspicyWillywasoftenmyonlysquaremealoftheday.FortwohautcuisinemonthsIfree-loadedonandinabsentmindedBill,gorgingongourmandities—andthencatastrophestruck!Theboyhadatwinsister,BeasttohisBeauty,whodiscoveredherbrother'sbody-phianthropyandpromptlybroughtittoascreechinghalt.Sheappointedherselfhisbusiness-manager,treasurer(wherebyhestillneversawanyofthemoneyhemade)andGuardianoftheGoodies—butinamostcrudeandcommercialmanner.Shemadethebemusedboycarryasandwich-boardonwhichwasemblazon'dhisgourmetmenuinhugeneon-redletters,thusly:

BILLOFFAIR

Abovethebelt,bothsides$10

Belowthebelt,frontonly$20

Belowthebelt,backonly$30

Belowthebelt,bothsides$40

Everything,withKY-sauce$50

Fetishists'Special!!

Usedcondoms,boy-size,contentsintact:$0.98

44.TheMerboyAtthestartofthefifthmonthofthatmemorableyearIthoughtIhadtheworldbytheshorthairsandyankinghard.ForonceandtooseldomIwassolvent,Ihadagoodjobandwasontheeveofathree-weekvacation—butshortlyIfeltlikeyellingMayday!Mayday!'inS0SdespairforeverydazzlinglittlehustlerIsolicitedspurnedmetostrolloffwithreds,yellows,blacksandbrownstrailingethnicguffawsbehindthem.Whatthehellisthis—SwattheWASPWeekorsomething?!OK,possiblyinsectslikemearetreatedmorecivillyinNewJerseyacrosstheHudsonsoIrentafishing-shackontheAtlanticshorejustnorthofTom'sRiver—atownthat'sheerZilchville,lemmetellyou,forIfellintheRiverandyoungTom,ifany,wasconspicuousbyhisabsence.AndthoughIdon'timmediatelyencounteranylikelylittlebody-merchantssellingsea-shellsbytheseashore,thefreshsalt-airandunseasonablybenignsunaresorelaxingthatonmyfirstnightintheGardenStateIamdozinginmychair,toolazilycomfortabletogotobed.ThensuddenlyIhearaclearyoungvoicecallingmyname,summoningmewithabeguilingurgency…IstumbletomyfeetandoutthedoorandthoughI'mcladonlyinswim-trunksIfeelnochillinthismidnighthour.Dazed,Ilookaboutme.Afullmooninacloudlessskybathessandandseainalimpidbrilliancebuttheshoreisdeserted.ThenIpeerseawardandbeholdaslendernakedformlimnedagainstthehorizonlikethequintessenceofyouthfulbeautyandgrace,theardentoceancaressinghisthighs.Mesmerised,myeyesfeastonhimforheisthemagicdreamsaremadeofandinexorablyasthetidefollowsthemoonIapproachhim,nearerseeaseal-sleekbodyhalo'dinashimmeringmaneofaureateloveliness,onhissweetchild'sfaceanexpressionofpureandgodlikeappeal.Canhebeanillusion,amirage?IshetheSorcerer'sApprentice,uptotricks?Butenoughofrhetoricalredundancies!Hereisthelittleoneyou'velongbeenseekingsotryyourluckandasknotWherefore?Yetfantasystillseemstopossessmysensesuntilhesitantly,breathlesslyItouchhishand,feelwarmfirm-softyoungflesh."Whoareyou?"Iwhisper,spellboundbyanenchantedlad."Areyouasea-sprite,FatherNeptune'sprideandjoy?"Theboylaughsinanarpeggioofsilverynotes."Iamwhateveryouwantmetobe."Hisvoiceisamutedsopranowithanarousingundertoneofsensualityandthoughobviouslyheisplayingsomechildishgamewithme,Ishallhumorhiscapriciousfancy."Ican'thavemetyou,seenyoubeforeforsurelyIwouldremember—yetyouknowmyname!”"Whatdoesitmatter?Iamheresoyounamemeandthatshallbemyname.”"ThenI'llcallyouMerboyforIfoundyouinthesea.”"Itwasordainedthatonthisnightandinthisplaceyouwouldfindmeandknowme.”"Beautifulstranger,IamgratefulbutyouspeakinriddlesIdonotunderstand.”

"Youwill—butdonotwastetimeonwordsforsoonImustleaveyou.”"Butyou'llcomeback,won'tyou—tomorrow,today?”Theargentnotesoftheboy'slaughtersoundagaininthehushedair."ThatdependsonyouforIamyouandyourwillismine.”Ah,yes,hereisaladwhoevidentlyiswellawareofthepowerofhischarmsand—abitoverly-indulged,perhapslovestoteasewithenigmasthathavenosolution.Asforme,Inevercouldresisttheirresistible—ifitbearstheineluctableaccoutermentsofaboy.Thusmyerrantglancestraystothejunctionofhisthighsandthoughhisdamaskdeltadoesnoyetflaunttheproudensignofpuberty,hislimppenisisalongslimsmoothpendantoffelicitythatevenasIstare,entranced,stirsandstiffensandelevates—thesilkyveiloflove-skinripplingbackfromthetaperingglans.Afrissonofflamingdesirecoursingthroughme,Ifalltomykneesastheboymovesintomyembrace,myhandstremulousonthefirmroundsofhissmallbottom,myfacereverentagainstthewarmsex,mymouthsummarilyinvadedbytheleapingyounglancetoflustthathotlysearsmytonguethenthrustsinfrenziedrapineuntilplummycock-headswelling,swelling,bursting,thepantingboyshrillswithecstasyashispulsingpenispoursoutitscreamybliss.Allpassionnotyetspent,mynew-founddarlingstripshimselfinsideme,pullsmetomyfeet,offershislips,mytongueexploringhismilkymouthwhilehishandsslipbetweenustograspmyswimtrunks,slidethemdownmyflankstilltheycollapsearoundmyankles.Steppingoutofthem,Ikisstheboy'sclosedeyes,hisflush'dcheeksandthesoftsweethollowatthebaseofhisthroatasmyfingersoncemorefeverishlyseekthecompellinglureofhisbuttocks,partingthem,gentlyprobingthepinkpucker'dgrottowithin.Avidlyresponding,theyoungsterrubshisheatinggenitalshardagainstmyengorgedmemberthentwiststopresenthisposterior.Iclaspthefairstrangerclose,myeagerhandsfinding,fondlinghisrevivingpeniswhilemylipsswiminthesurfofhissilkenlocks,descendtocaressthesmoothnapedelicateasgossamervelvet,redolentofroses.Ourbodiestwinedinhotcommunion,nowtheboyseizesmyrampantarrow,guidesittohistargetandwrithingagainstme,gaspinglyimpaleshimselfuponit.WitharushofoverwhelmingdesireIfeelmyquestingglansdilatetheclose-furl'danal-budtoswiftly,swooninglysnakeouttheslippery-tightlittlelove-nest,suckedonandfartherinbymyskillfulMerboy'srectalcontractions.ThenwondrouslyIrealisethatIhavebuttostandstillandwhollyenjoy—mygenerouspartner'sbackthrustingandthemountingwaveletsoftheincomingtidethrillinglydoformemypenilejoustingintheListsofLove,surgingagainstmewithever-increasingforceuntilmoaningwiththeineffablepleasure-painofimminentclimaxIjackknifeovertheboy,roughlybendinghissupplebodytofullyreceivemysperm'dardourand…AndthenIwokeup.

45.BittersweetAsafastidiousconnoisseurofjuniorbodiesbeautifulandonewhohasimpeccablesex-tastes,Icollectfirstemissionsratherthanfirst-editionsand...Oh,don'traiseyoureyebrowsatme,SigmundF!Ididn'tinitiateaninternationalcon-gamethathasfleecedbillionsoutofnaivemillions!Andbye-the-bye,Freudie-poo,ifyouneedhelptokickthatcocaine-monkeyoffyourbackI'llbeonlytoogladtoanaliseyou—for$50anhour,youfurnishthecouchandKY.Fade-intoNewOrleans,circa1932,whereIworkedforabriefspellinSchmeltzenfahrter'sPickleWorks(frontforthelargestillicitwhiskey-stillsouthofChicago)andwhereeveryFridaytheentiretownwasrichlyfragrantwiththearomaofroastingcoffee-beanscumchicory,jumbobanana-splitswere13cents,two-featuremoviesplusBingowere15centsforadultsandtheaforesaidjavawasanickelacupwithahugechocolatecookieincluded—thoughitwasalwayssomewhatunsettlingtostrollalongtheleveeandlookuptoseeOldManRiverbumblingalong.AndNewOrleansabovealltherestofthebenightedU.S.A.forthedark-eyed,olive-skin'dlittleCreoleladswiththeirbeguilingsmilesandAWOLmorals—farmoreadeptatsalacioussalubritiesthantheirmoreballyhoo'dsisters.OnMardiGrasEveSchmeltzenfahrter'swasblown-upbyaScarfaceAlCaponehenchmansoperforceIamjoblessandthoughI'mscarcelyaMasterofHead,I'veeveryearnedsomedaytobeHeadmasterinatotallyunpreparedPrepSchoolforBoys—thustogainabareliving/lovingInowresorttomyfavouriteavocationoftutoringbackwardyoungsters(ball'd-typeexclusively)intheusualelementarysubjectswhilehopingtosneakinsomesnideinstructiononsuchbasicessentialsasOI,AIandAL.ShortlyIacquireapromisefullyprurientpupilwho,thoughnoCreole,possessedacountenanceofsucharrestingbeautythatitwasvirtuallyIndecentExposureintheFirstDegree,andimmediatelytheownerthereofpertlyproclaims:"Myname'sCandybutI'mcalledCandy'causeI'msosweet!"—whichheis,inasugar-diabetessortofway.Awell-developedblue-eyedblondof12,Candyisdeficientinmathematicsbutsoatwitchwiththetinnabulantlustsofpubertythathelooksasifhecouldreadilybetaughtthatoneguzintaonejustwonderful—butIhastenottoohurriedlylestswifthazardsbefall.OnmyfirstafternoonsessionwiththislittleLouisianahotpotathishome,IquicklydiscoverthatconditionsareidealfordevilishdeedsasPoppaisatworkandMommaisatherbridge-club—neverthelessconscientiouslyIsettoworktoexplainthemysteriesofdigitstoMasterSweetStuffbutit'sliketryingtoteachYiddishtoAdolfHitlerfortheconfection'dyoungcretincanaddonetooneandcomeupwith111whichnaturallyistrueonlywhenyou'redealingwithrabbits.AlsohegetsArabicandRomannumeralsmixed-up—whenIaskhimwhatfivetimesfiveis,hescribblesdown:`XX5'whichundeniablyiscorrectbutwouldcauseacomputertocutitsthroat.Furthermore,thekidobviouslyhasaverylow-motivatedpersonalityforhepayslittleattentiontomypainstakingpedagogy,insteadsuggestivelyrunninghishandsupanddownhiswide-spreadinnerthighsandmakingslurpysuckingnoisesatme.NowIcantakeahint,especiallywhenit'sahighlyornamentalandsemenentalsixinches(aslatertranspires),soIleanforwardandgentlystrokehispregnantflythennervouslyfumbleforthezipper-tab.Winkinglewdly,Candyshovesmyhandaway,leapsupandinatriceisstandingnudebeforeme,invitingmyinspection.Well,sir,IsweartoGodthatkidisbuiltlikeaTiffanyshit-house,allgemmous

superbitiesandmyawedgazesweepsdownthehoney,smoothtaperingtorsotothehairlessPississippiDelta,totheupwardlymobileslimpenisandbelowtothedoeskin-softcartouchecontainingtwominiaturecannonballs,potentammunitionfactoryforthecock'dgunabove."Turnaround!"Iwheeze,swallowingarushofsaliva.Theboyspinstopresentthetwin'dspicyloavesofhisfruit-cakeass,slightlypartedtorevealamoistbrownraisininthesonandIbendtogiveitalovingswipewithmytonguebutCandyagainreverseshimself,hispinkprickletaroseisaroseisarose'Matteasinglybrushesmynose."Canyoucome?"Iqueryhoarsely."Ic'ncomebutIcan'tshoot,"theboysaysfuefully."Youreckonmyperiodislateorsomethin'?”tiH'm,justnowI'msureIdetectedadistinctscentofdriedismonhisdickbutcouldbeitbelongstosomebodyelseI'drathernotthinkabout.Evertheinstructor,Isay:"Perhapsyoudon'tbeatyourmeatright.Ithastobedonewithfinesse,Pertinacityanddueregardforthedignityofyourdingle-dangle.”"Hell,man,Ibangthesorrybastardsillybuthewon'tspit!"Slylyheadds:"Maybeifyousuckedmeitwouldbringmymilkdown.”ThoughIcanscarcelykeepmylipsoffhim,Isaysternly:"IfIgodownonyoudoyoupromisetostudyrealhard?”"Sure,sure,man—anythingyousay!"Andhegrabsmyheadinbothhands,pullsmeagainsthimandsinkshissquare-rootofecstaticevildeepwithinmymouth."Ooh,thatfeelsgood—alltightan'hotan'slimy!Doesacuntfeellikethat?...uh,'scusemeforaskin'—Ic'nseeyou'rebusy.”BusyasadizzybeeamIonthelittlemalenesserectanddemandinginsideme.Yankingtheboy'sforeskinroughlydownonhisthrustingLimbofSatan,mytonguelikeanamorouseelslithersaroundandaroundhissensitivebridleandacornwhileforcefullyIthumb-and-forefingermasturbatehispenis-shaftandsuddenlywetumbletothefloorinawelterofbooks,papers,pensandpassion—IflatonmybackandCandysprawledoverme,panting:"Jesus,man,I'mgettin'thatgoodgonefeelin'likeI'mreallygonnablastthistime!”Iredoublemyattackontheboy'ssweetmeatandsucculentsecondslaterfeelhisglansbloating,cock-stempulsingthenconvulsingandwithashrillscreamCandycomesinblissfulchaos,sendingsalvosofvirginspermricochetingagainstthewallsofmyfeverishlysolicitingmouth."Oh,wow!"thetremblingboymoans."Oh,wow!”"Wow,indeed!raspsaharshvoiceaboveus."ThatIshouldlivetoseesuchabomination!”Stillinterlockedinoral-intercourse,fearfullymypartnerandIpeerupattheinterloper.Eyes

glintinglikelethaldagger-points,Candy'sMommaglaresdownatus.Theboyrecovershissang-froidfirst."Look,ma—nohands!”Reluctantly,forebodinglyIdisengagefromCandy'swiltingpenis,athinthreadofstickycomestretchingfromhiscock-lipstomymouth.Greedily,ill-omen'dlyIsuckitinandscrambletomyfeet,embarrassedasanOrthodoxJewwithswine-flu.Mommasearsmewithascaldingglance."IpayyoutogivemysonremedialinstructioninarithmeticandIfindyougivinghimFrenchlessons!”Sensingthematernalmenaceintheair,traitorousCandysqueals:"Hemademedoit,ma!Ididn'twantto'causeI'magoodboybutheheldmedown,forcedme!”Standingtherewithsemenicheaveninmymouthandeggonmyface,Ifigureit'sallupwithme,I'llbeshotatsonrisesoJustBreaktheNewstoMother—inpresentcaseshe'llprobablydancewithjoy."Well?!"gratesMomma."Whatdoyouhavetosayforyourself?AndstoplickingyourlipswhenI'mtalkingtoyou!”"Madam,"Ireply,"it'sasyoursonsays—he'saverygoodboy.”"Youwantmetocallthecops,ma?!"blushingCandyyells."Hey,maybethey'llputmeonTV—'Sex-FiendRapesBoy!'...Keeno!!”"Gotakealonghotbath,Candy—andtrytoforgetyourterribleexperience.”Whentheboyhasdeparted,MommastaresatmelikeI'msomethingthathasoozedoutofanunflush'dtoilet,thencontemptuouslyshesniffs:"I'mnotgoingtocallinthepolicetoomuchundesirablepublicitywouldensueandmyfriendsmightgettheideathatmysonisthetypeofboywhoattractsdegeneratescumslikeyou.Nowgetoutofmyhouseandnevershowyourfacearoundhereagainormyhusbandwillfillyourmiserablehidewithbuckshot!”Love-criminalthatIam(andshamefacedatgettingcaught),Icreepoutlikeawhippedcurwithhistailbetweenhislegs.Idon'tblameMomma—inhershoesI'ddoubtlessdothesame.Whathurts,what'sbitterasgallandwormwoodisthattwo-facedlittleCandy!Printemps,springtimeinNewOrleansbutforthreedaysIgloomaboutthestreets—nojob,noboy,nohope,nojoy.OntheafternoonofthefourthdayI'mathomethriftilylaunderingmyshirtsandsighingoverpastpleasureswhenaknock-knocksoundsonthedoor.Sudsy-handedIopen.It'sCandy,brashaseverandtwiceaslovely."Goaway!"Igroan."Makelikehorse-applesandhitthetrail!”"Thatain'tpolite,man—Iwannatalktoyou!”Itrytoshutthedoorinhisfacebutthelittlehellionshoveshisfootin,thenhisknee,thenhimself.IwanttokisshimandIwanttoslapthepissoutofhim."DoesyourMommaknowyou'rehere?”

"WhatmyMommadon'tknowwon'thurtus—she'satabridge-tournamentinBatonRouge."Smiling,helaysawarmhandonmyarm.Iflingitaway,overwhelmedbyhisstill-ranklingperfidy."Youseisaviper!"Icry,distraught."Youseisanaspinmybosom!Ilovedyouatfirstsight,Itrustedyouandyuouturnedonmylikeacorneredrat!”"Aw,man,I'msorryan'I'pologise—Idon'tknowwhatgotintame.”"Allright,apologyaccepted—nowpleaseleave.”"Aw,man,don'tbelikethat!Look,can'twejusttakeupwhereweleftoff?”"WeleftoffwithyoutellingyourMommadamnliesaboutme!”"Imeanbeforethat—yougotmyfirstcome,remember?”"Meneither!"Smirking,theboyrollshiseyes."Mommasaidyouweregivin'meFrenchlessonsan'that'swhyI'mhere—Iwantmorelessonslikethat!”"ThengoenrollintheBerlitzSchoolofLanguages.”"Aw,man,IsaidIwassorrysobenicetome!Whyyougimmesuchahardtime?”"BecauseIthinkyou'reaselfish,arrogant,untrustworthylittlebruteonlyoutforyourownpleasure.”Candysighswithexasperationthenbeginstopaceabouttheroom,headbent,handsclaspedbehindhisback,lostinHellknowswhatdeviousthoughts.Thenred-faced,avoidingmyeye,hecomestostandbeforeme."Lissen,man,tellyouwhatI'mgonnado.IfyougivememoreFrenchlessonsI'llgive'emrightbacktoyou—withbellson!”

46.Sinema

Eden,Eden,burningbrightInthecanyonsofthenight,Whatimmortalhandoreye

Coulde'erdepictthyecstasy?

Wm.Blake(amended)OnChicago'sWestSidetherelongagodwelledadecrepitmoviehousecalledtheEdenwhichmoreaptlymighthavebeennamedtheParadiseforthat'swhatitwas,thoughthelittlemaleswhocomprisedagoodbadhalfofitsclientelevariouslyreferredtotheplaceasthePee-PeePalace,theJack-OffJoint,theCockaramaortheBlowingAlley.Theseatswererickety,stickety,armlessanduncomfortable,thetoiletswereskunkysewers,flakesofplasterfromtheceilingdandruffdyourheadandshouldersandthefilmswereun-AmericanforeigndrecksuchasVictorHugo'sLesMiserableswhichisFrenchforMiserableLays—butnoonemindedastheshowonthescreeneverranapoorsecondtotheepicanticsoftheaudience,thepopcornwascheap,hotandfresh-butter'd,thelightingwasbenevolentlysub-fuse,therewasnorestrictingChildren'sSectionorrestrainingwhite-uniformedmatronsornoseyushers—inshort,asanctuarywhoseeroticlikeImuchdoubtweshalleverseeagainthissideofmartyr'dSodom.FemalesshunnedtheEdenfortheferalfragranceofboy/mansemen,wetordry,hungsoheavyinthepotentairthattheweakersexfearedImmaculateConceptionbyetherealaerialimpregnationalone—ifamereGhost,Holyornot,couldknockuptheVirginMary,whatmighthappentotheminajismicstud-divelikethis?!(Quintuplets,prob'ly—allMongolianidiots.)Oneunawarespinster,shopping-weary,enteredtheplacetositandrestherfeet—butwhenshedonnedherbifocalsandsawwhatwentonaroundher,shegotanattackoftheScreamingMeemiesandhadtobecartedofftothenearestloony-bin.Conversely,asteadystreamofmenandboyscouldbeseenPassingthroughthegarishly-litbutdingyportalsoftheEdenmoney-changersinashabbyTempleofTrade.LadscametoexchangeLoveforMoney,toplayforpay,oftentoproselytiseandpersuade:'Tryme—you'lllikeme!'.MencametoexchangeMoneyforLove,theageoldbartersystem,fleshforhire,sexforsale—butonasuperior,morerefinedplaneforwhileaboycanbeanEstablishmenttrapsettosnaretheunwary,heisalsoasmallgodandadevil-imp,inspirationandexasperation,revelationandreelingintoxication,allthingstohimwhohasthewisdomtoperceiveandthecouragetoappreciate.Socherishalikelyladwhenhecomesyourway,tenderlylovehimbeforetheNightoftheLongKnivesdescendsandthereisleftnothingbutmemoriesthatblessandburnbehindcoldsteelbars.Somemencametolustandwerelostinastrangeandgentleenchantment.Otherscamehopingtofindtheideallittlebeingandthatperfectionofrapportthatistheacmeofpursuedhappiness.Thereweredisillusionedhusbandsseekingamorerewardingintra-sexrelationship,hideboundheterossuddenlycurioustoseeifjustpossiblytheymightbemissingamore

profoundandsatisfyingintimacyandsinglemalesfrom18to80unabashedlydesirousofjuvenilesoftheirownsex.Therewereevenfathersandyoungsonsincestuouslyinclinedandfleeingfromthetooalienanddemandingomnipresenceoffemales.TheycametothisplaceastoahavenfortheEdenwasliterallyaPalaisdeLaissezFairewhereanythinggoes—andcomesbackagainandagain.HereNaturetookitscoursealongadelightfullydifferentandoffbeatpathwhereForbiddenFruitwasripeandreadyfortheplucking.Frequentlythesound-systembrokedownandimmediatelythemoreraffishyoungsterssuppliedtheirownribalddialogue—aprettybutover-apparel'dmaidenonthescreenevokedshoutsof:'Takeitoff!Takeitoff!Let'sseeyourpussy,baby!'andifagirlandmanappeared,thedamselwasraucouslyadvisedto:'Lethiminyourpanties,Ava/Bette/Sophia/Marilyn/Greta/Joan/Rita—give'imapieceafishpie!'Beingopportunistpracticalistswhoadmiretheexpedient,noboyeverbotheredtotrektotherest-roomwhenhisbloatedbladdersentouturgentwarning-signals.Hesimplyhauledouthisnozzle,hungitovertheedgeoftheseatandletflysothatlyricsofliquidtinklingconstantlycouldbeheardfromhither,thitherandyon—adeplorablewastebutIdidmyutmosttoengulfoneoranotheramaryllinefreshetatthesource.Andhavingpeedinsitu,sotospeak,likeasnottheladwouldhishoseshakeandshakingbecomeerectanderectinghewouldhispuddingpulluntilashowerofrichvanilla-saucesprayedthebackoftheseatinfrontofhim—acriminalexpenditureofvitalessencesbutdoubtlesstheboy'spubertalcum-bagwouldrefillsorapidlythatifshortlyheweresuborn'dbysomefellation-bentseniorcitizen,beassuredthatthemanwouldnotdepartempty-mouth'd.CrowningtheprosceniumofthetheatrewerethetraditionalmasksofComedyandTragedybutherebothappearedtobebroadlysmilingat,approving,evenenvyingtheactorsinthepenisorium-anusoriumauditoriumbelow.Tothelefttheybeheldtwo10-year-oldyoungsterslip-lock'dinpuerilepassion,theirhotlittlehandsbusyineachother'swide-openfly.Totherightanadultmaleheaddescended,avidmouthagapeasaslimyoungprickwetwithpre-coitalmucusrosetomeetit.Andnearoneofthered-litexit-doorsagraybeardliesproneonthefloor,hisnethergarmentsaroundhisankles,ontopofhimaladofabout14similarlydisarrayed,hissmoothglossybuttocksfiercelyrisingandfallingashehumpshisjoy-pantingpartner.Truly,tobefuckedbya14er(giveortakeafewyears)istobeinoculatedwithFlamingYouth,achrismaticrejuvenationofbody,soulandspirit—orsoI'vebeenmisledtobelieve.TheEdenwasopenround-the-clockandround-the-worldandonmyinitialvisittothislicentiousLibertyHallandwhenIrealisedtheorgiasticambiancethatprevailed,Iwantedtolivethere25hoursadaybutAlack!—mylibidowaswillingbutmywalletwasweakandmybossinthesalt-mineswasunsympathetictoabsenteeismonaccountofamour.ItwasalsoonmyfirstvisitthatIhadtheunblisstoencounter13erAlaricwhocamein,satdownbesidemeandeyesgluedtothescreen,kepthimselftohimselfsoreservedlythatIconcludedhewassomenuttylittleoddballheresolelytoseethefilm.ThenheturnsslightlyandIcatchaglimpseofanillegalmouthandilliciteyesinunlawfulcountenancesoIfeelsafeinreachingdownandgentlystrokinghisprivy-purseofpleasure—butthekidsqueals,shrinksawayfrommeandhisses:"Jesus,don'ttouchmethere!Igotcircumsisedyesterdayanditstillhurtslikefire!"AbjectlyIapologiseandsolicitouslyinquire:"AreyounowoneofGod'sChosenordidyouhaveadhesions?”

"Naw!"repliestheboydisgustedly."ThedamfooldoctortoldmystupidMamathatIwouldn'tjerkoffsomuchifIwascut—littleheknows!”"Doctorsareclip-crazy,"Iagree,"theygomadwhentheyseeaninnocentlittleprepucehangingaroundloose.FortunatelyIwassparedascalpingwhenthesawbonessawIwasallprickandnoforeskin.”"WillIgetasmuchkickoutawankingasIdidbefore?"thekidqueriesanxiously."Beauteousbald-head,Iwouldn'tknow.You'llhavetoaskB'naiBrissorsomebody."Ilookatmywatch."Anyway,Isincerelytrustyourpiecerestsinpeaceuntilit'sagainreadytomakelovingwarwithyourfistorcomewhatmay."Istarttogetupandsearchforamoreaccessibleurchinbuttheboygrabsmyarm."Don'tgo,mister!It'dkillmetogetblowedrightnowbut1couldgiveyoualap-fuck.”"Mylad,thatsoundslikemoneyfromhome...uh,howmuch?”ThelittleusurerquotesapricestifferthanmyrampagingcockbutI'mflushatthemomentsoIcountitout,billbyhard-earnedbill.Kiddiestowsthewadawayinwhatseemstobeasecretdrawerinhisdrawersandchirps:"Ihopeyoubroughtscrew-lubewithyou'causeI'mtightasagoat!”"No,dammit—Ididn'tdreamI'dneeditinamovie!”"Nosweat—theysellallkinsashitinthelobbybutmyassholelikesSuavethebest.”MypenisispartialtoSuave,too,asit'stintedadelicateglans-pink,isn'tgreasyorsticky,doesn'tdryoutandit'sediblewithatastelikerose-petalssteepedinchampagnesothatafterapplyingittopertinentpartsyoucanlickyourfingerscleanwithheartyappetite.HurryingtothelobbyIseeawholeImpureFoodandDrugAdministrationassortmentofbang-balm,includingHinds'HoneyandAlmondCream,GlycerineandRosewater,Jerken'sLotion,PreparationHforJuniors,Hiawatha'sOriginalPapoose-OilandevenSloan'sLiniment—thoughIpresumethelastisforachingbacksratherthantorridscrews.Behindthecounterisablondyouthsome17summersawayfromthewombwhichistoooldformethoughhemust'vehadplatinum-appealwhenhewas11andashehandsmetheSuave,hesmirks:"Humpingoodhealth,papa-daddy!”"Sametoyou,sonny.Yougettin'much?”"Onandoff.”Irushback,unscrewingthecapofthetubeasIgo—toseenoteventheshadowofAlaric,muchlessthesubstance.Ilookunderourseatsandhighandlowandallaround...noboy.Despairful,Iclamberontothestage,cupmyhandsofmymouthandshout:"Alaric,comeback,comeback,don'tdomethisway!"Andatoncethedilightedminorsintheaudiencetakeupthecry:"Alaric,comeout,comeout,whereveryouare—yourauntiewantsyou!"Resultasbefore

—thecircumisedlittlebamboozlerhasindeedforsakenme.Mywalletonthevergeofhysterics,Imoroseoutfeelinglikeanardentbridedesertedbyhersecond-thoughtsgroomjustasshe'sabouttoclimbintothewedding-nightbed.Creepinghome,Ipondertheperfidetyofpuerswhoripyouoff—isitcrudelarcenousgreedoraresentfulprotestagainsttheage-statusdifferential?Ah,well,it'stypicalboy-natureattimestobecruelasaconstipatedtaxcollector—yougottoexpectitandyou'dbetterlearntolivewithit.I'vejustlearnedacostlylessonandthelessonis:Thenexttimeaboybatshisbigbaby-bluesatme...I'mgoingtoforgetthelesson.OnmysecondvisittotheEdenthedayfollowing,ItakeaseatonthemiddleaiseandjustasI'mgettingsettledIseelopinguptowardmeaseraphicsub-teenerpossessedoftheTotalWorks:hairasilkyblondbouquet,anamalousazureeyes,rabbit-twitchyweebutton-noseandaYes-sayingwetredmouth.Foralltheworldhelookstobeasweetlittleseed-merchantwho'sthedirectantithesisofawfulAlaricsowhenhecomesabreastofmeIstophimbythrustingahandbetweenthelegsofhiscorduroyknee-pantsandstage-whisper:"Haveyougotthetime?”"It'ssupper-timean'ifIdon'tgithomerightquickmyMama'lllarrupmybutt!”"Please,baby,justa3-minutequickie—in,up,overandout.”"Gee,mister,Idon'tthinkIcan—Ialreadypoppedtwice."Butevenashe'ssayingthishisfingersareunbuttoning,a4-incherectpinkboy-partisemerging,approaching,connectingwithmylips,insertingitselfastheyoungsterbeginstopumphisslimloinsagainstmyface.Theaggressiveyoungpenisfeelsslippery-warmagainstmylickinglovingtongueandtastesbutter-salty...obviouslymycoition-cooperativecompanionhasgenerouslysharedhispopcornwithLittleDick!AndnowIbecomeconsciousthattheraffineragamuffinsaroundushavebecomeawareofthesceneandgivingloudvoicetotheirenthusiasticapproval—halfofthemrootingforme:"Go,man,go!"andtheothersurgingonmypantingparticipant:"Come,kid,come!"Andin3minutesflatdamnifthedelightfulkiddydoesn'tcomewithagaspandasweetshudder—asinglecreamyspurtbutpowerfulforIcanalmosthearitgoSplat!againsttheroofofmymouth.AndjustasI'mabouttostripthedeliciousdartofloveit'swhiskedfrommylipsandintocorduroyconfinesasitsownerdashesuptheaislenotevenwaitingforhisfeeorcanitbethathepeddlesitforfree?!Verily,noperfectthingeverendures.OnmythirdvisittotheEdenamonthlater,IfoundtomyhorrorthatitwasParadisenolonger.ThePlannedParenthoodAssociationandtheAnti-AbortionLeaguehadboughttheplaceanddiabolicallyconvertedBoy-HeavenintoaHomeforIllegitimateMothers.

47.TheCholesterolKid

WhydoesaChickencrosstheroad?'CauseafaggyoldCapon'sontheotherside.

Whichcamefirst,thechickenortheEg(bert)?Sinceinpresentslap-happyhappenstancethelatteristheformer,indubitablytheycametogether.Egbertisadownylittlechickabooofabout12:15onthecalendar-clockwithasouffléofyolk-blondcurls,scrambledbrainsbehindahard-boiledmien,pullet-sizescrotum'deggsnewlypregnantwithbaby-makingjuiceandachanticleercockthatforsoothissomethingtocrowabout.IspiedhiminthePoultryExhibitattheEastJudas,SouthDakotaCountyFairwherewespeedilybecamechummy,heconfidinghewasnamedEgbert'causehewasanincubatorinfantonaccountofhewasbornprematurelyduetohisMamahavingbeenscaredoutofherhalf-witsbyaradicalRhodeIslandRedroosterfriedonfermentingsilage,sotheladislookingforaniceplumphentotakehomeandfuckthehelloutoftosortofrevengehisMamaandhimselfagainsttheirfeather'dfoesandheasksifI'llhelphiminthepedicativeprocess,likeholdingChickenLickenforhimandpartingthepin-featherswhileherapesher.BlushfullyIdeclinesuchfowl-playassomethirteenmonthsagoIclutchedafemaleWhiteWyandottewithafaceuglierthanFrankPerdue'sbetweenmylaceratednudethighsforanengagingweecorn-holernamedCyprianIwastryingtogetonthegoodsideofbutiteventuatedthatthelittlechicken-shitwasbadonallsides—soIwhisperacountersuggestionintoEgbert'sshell-pinkearthattobesucked-offisfarmoresanitaryandsendingthantobeass'doffbysomesquawkingclawingcluckwhoisanythingbutamatorilycooperative.Eagerlytheboyagreesthatablow-jobiseasierandpleasieranddoIwanttodoithereandnoworinadouble-deckerseatonthenearbyFerrisWheel?ThoughI'mfrothingatthemouthwithfellativelustIoptforthesafercourse,escortingChickenLittlehomeandwe'renosoonerinsidethedoorthanI'mdownonmykneesdowningthekid'spantsandshortsandgo-downinghissprightlycome-uppanceuntilwithblissfulgaspshestrainsagainstme,emittingfast,furiousandfree-flowingashefillsmymouthwithcreamymeringue—makingmehisforeveroradayincondensedtime,toosoonevaporated.Sinceitturnsoutthattheboycoincidentallyandconvenientlylivesjustacrossthestreetfrommeandegg'donbymyinsatiableIdtoLoveThyNeighbor,IstrivetomakeahabitofEgbertbuthecansparemeonlyanhourortwoaday—IsuspectbeingotherwiseoccupiedinhatchingdarkplotsagainstHennyPennyandhercacklingsiblings.He'salsoadamantlyone-sidedinsexualshenanigans—totallyAssentinfrontbutrock-bottomDissentinbackasImoroselydiscoverwhenIattempttopoachonhisbonvivantbum,thoughhe'sJohnnyontheSpotenthusiastictolaymewheneverI'mcaughtwithmypantsormydefencesdown.Alas,thishardlyindicatesthatthekidregardsmewithundyingaffection—onthecontrary,hedisplaysthemostopenandunabashedcupboard-loveandironicallythishingesonhen-fruit.See,theboyisgoneoneggs(exclusivelysunnyside-up),apparentlyoperatingontheprinciplethatthemoreeggsheeats,thelesschickensthere'llbe—areasonableassumptionthoughsomewhatgenocidalinnature.However,athomeMamaallowsherfledglingonlyonesmalleggperweek,tellinghimthat

theseshell'ddeceitsaremoredangerousthanartilleryshellsforthey'llfattyuphisarteriessumpindretful—whereuponEgbertpoutedouthislowerlip,dughisheelsintothekitchen-linoleumandshouted:"Fuckmyarteries—Iwanteggs!"WhereuponMamagaveherprideandenjoysuchaswatthatitsenthimhurtlingoutthebackdoorandintoapatchofripeeggplantfortyfeetaway.Henceeverymorningthekidcomestomyhouseforasecondbreakfast,wing-flappinghisarmsandsoprano-crowing:"Urr-a-urr-a-O000!"andIfeedhimhisfavouritefoodwithoutstintforitmakesayoungster'shideandhairbeautifullyglossyandI'vebeeneatingeggseverydayfordamnnearsixdecadesandI'veyettotangleassholeswithMr.ArtTeriosclerwhatsis.AndthisauspiciousmorningnakedEgbertissittingonmylikewiselapatmykitchen-tabledevouringafriedfoursomeofhisdelight,plusfresh-squeezedAnitaorange-juice,cornflakesandhalf&half,cinnamontoast,Canadianbaconandcocoawithmarshmallows—alllovinglypreparedbymebutifIventuretostealabitofbaconfromhisplatehesnatchesitfrommymouth,hissingominouslyandtryingtostranglemyerectpenisbetweenhispowerfulbuttock-muscles,soaboutallthesustenanceIgetishisprofferedgreasyfingerstosuckclean.Andnowthesweetbastarddecideshewantsfourmoreofhisconsumingpassion:"Butmaketheyolksmoregooeythistime,Dukebaby!"SighingIeaseoutfromundermyburpingguest,wearytotherefrigerator,extractaquartetoftherequireditem—butonmywaytothestoveIslipandthunderouslyfallflatonmyprat,hittingmyheadsohardonthefootofthesinkthatIseemorestarsthanHollywoodeverheardof."Jesus!"Egbertshrieks,hisvoicefraughtwithanxiety,"didjabreaktheeggs?!”

48.TheLittleUnsaintsofSanJuan

Atisket,atasket,Abulginglittlebasket!"Whereareyougoing,Myprettymade?"

"Togetmilked,sir,"hesaid.SanJuan,inthe'EnchantedIsle,'shouldbecalledSanPedroFromWhomAllBlessingsFlowfortheplethoraofpotentlittlepetersprancinglypresentand,naturally,theconsequentabundanceofeagerpeter-eaters—largelyforeignratherthandomestic.AndsincetheproperstudyofBoykindisboys,Ispentsixhecstaticweeksthereinthesummerof1966,drunkoncheapbooze(rum99centsafifthinthesupermarket)andcheaperboylings—25centsandup.WiththehelpofChock,aresidentfriendwhoisreputedtohavebefriendedeverycomelylittlecockintheMetropolitanArea,Ifoundareasonably-pricedsmallapartmentoppositetheCaribeHiltonandkitty-cornertotheNormandieHotelwithapublicbeachadjacent—andthefollwingisaby-blowaccountofmysojourninthisWestIndiesEden.July28:Exploringtheenvirons.UnlikemostStatesideRicanitosthekidsheregazedirectlyatyou,athrillingquestionintheircalorificeyes.Themajorityofthemareneedybutveryindustrious,shiningshoesorsellingpapersanddearknowswhatelse,includingthemselves.OnAvenidaPoncedeLeon,themaindrag,Ipausetolookatadisplayofcamerasinastore-windowandinsecondsaslimfigurematerialisesatmyside,beginstocombhisbrownilocksinthewindow'sreflectionandglancesmywaywithglassyinvitation.He'sperhaps14withaleanfoxyfaceandsexysmokyeyessoItouchhishand,hesqueezesmyfingerswithheatfulpromiseandItowhimhome.However,inbedhedoesn'tliveuptoadvancebilling—won'tkiss(lienogustobesar!'),won'tletmelovinglyinspecthisass(aboutonekidinfourhasthisanally-denyingattitude),andhislengthypenisisseverelyphimosed,onlythecock-mouthvisiblethroughthetightly-clinginglipsoftheprepuce.Thisputsmeofffordeliciousthoughfreshboy-cheeseis,eventhatdelicacybecomesrancidandsourifithangsaroundtoolongbeneathanunretractableforeskin.July29:Fromthebalconyofmythird-floorbordelloIcanseethenearbyRedRoosterRestaurantwhichIcalltheBichoRojo(RedCock)becausewithinitsshadowclusterseveralyounglimpiabotas(shoeshineboys)buttheyrarelyshoesshine.Chatteringamongthemselvestheywait,alleyesandearsandtwitchingnoseforthepossiblescore—andsoonaPontiacpantsupandaheavy-set,middle-agedmanleansout,beckonstoalivelyurchinnudeabovethewaist.Theyoungsterhandshisshine-boxtoacompanion,scramblesintothecarandthevehiclepollutesaway.Hownice!Thekindmanhastakenthelittleboyforaride—orviceversa?...forwhentheyreturnanhourlater,theadultlooksdull-eyedandlistlessbutthekidisallsmugsmileslikeacrocodiledigestingafatlady.I'dadmiretosnaffleoneofthesevibrantShoesiesbutthey'retoodangerouslyclosetomylairandthewisebeastofpreyneverfoulshisownnest,doncherknow.ChooksendsoveracockapertcutienamedCarloswithwhomIdicky-dallyawaytherestofthedayandnight.July30:Lastnight9erCarlosgotmeplasteredondaiquiriesandhisretroussepenissoIlost

thisdaytoahangdownhangover.July31:YouhavetobeacarefulComparisonShopperinthisislandparadise.Thisafternoon,10blocksfrommyabodeIspiedafierylittleenchiladowhopickedmeupbeforeIcouldlikewisehim;eightblocksfrommydomicileIsawaraunchypreteenitemfarmoreappealingthanthefirstladbutIpassedhimby,notwantingtohurttheamourpropreoftheboy-in-hand.Sixblocksfrommypassion-padIglimpseathirdyoungstervendinghishotnutsandsexierthantheothertwocombined—butIavertmydazzledeyes,hurryhomeandmakedowithmediocrity.August1:Thefuzzinthistownallseembarelyintotheirtwentiesandthey'reenthusiastichellonthecrassercriminalelementbutlettheboy-lovers(whoaremostlyprofitabletourists)strictlyaloneaslongastheydon'tstartpullingboys'pantsdowninthestreetatLowNoon.StrollingonAshfordAvenueintheposhCondadosection,Ihearshoutsof`Dook!Dook!'blastingmefrombehind.Turning,IbeholdCarlosbearingdownonme,followedbythreeotherkidsevenyounger.Acopisabout30feetawaybuthestudeidlyignoresus,scowlingatasuspicious-seemingVolkswagen.Thekiddiesallwanttogohomewithmebutinthisinstancethere'snosafetyinnumberssoIdistributeconsolingsmallchangeandtakearain-check.August2:TodayaWarmBabyofmaybe10withexquisiteeyebrowsandfancystitchingonhisbluedenimsbegsmeforanickel.Igivehimadimeandtellhimbecanearntentimesthatmuchifhe'lldorightbymebuthesopranos:"Oh,I'mtooyoungforyou—Ican'tsquirtyet!"Iexplainthatheneedn'tnecessarilybeinthelactationstagetomorethansatisfymebuthedartsoffinblushfulconfusion.ShytotsareararityherethisonemustbefromtheVirginIslands.LaterintheparkIbumpintosomethingwearingcut-offs,T-shirtandthickglossydark-blondhairdowntoitsshouldersandpuzzled,Iask:"Areyouaboyoragirl?"SomethingthumbsitscrotchatmeandtothisdayIstilldon'tknowwhetheritwasaShakeroraWiper(mybuddyScottissuehatesthelatter).Discouraged,I'mabouttospendaquieteveningreadingTheChoirboy'sRevengewhenCarlosdropsintrailedbyhiskid-brotherwhoispreciselyninemonthsyoungerthanhissibling.August3:IsitonalowwallborderingthebeachbehindtheNormandieHotelandwatchascoreofyoungsterscavortinginthewater,grab-assingandsuchandoccasionally,indeeperwater,Idescryaladwithswim-trunksshoveddownandonehandmidriff-busy—obviouslypleasuringhimselfthoughgenerallynottocompletionforself-abusedoesn'tputmoneyinyourpocketlikegettingbloweddoes.AsIwatch,afully-attiredbrash5erwithemancipatedgrinscramblesuponthewallbesidemeandsupportinghimselfwithonegrubbyhandonmyshoulder,ripsopenhisbuttonedflyandproceedstopeeonthesandbelow,hisscintillantstreamjettingoutascantinchfrommyface.Thoughmythirstisintense,IdonnotslakeitasI'malreadythecynosureoftoomanycuriouseyessoIfeignindifferenceuntiltheweeurinatorwandersaway.I'mjustabouttoleavewhenasweetlingemergesfromthewater,takesupabundleofclothingfromashelter'dnookandperchesonthewallsoclosethatIcanfeelhiscoolyoungwarmth.AshedoffshistrunksheturnsslightlysothatIhaveanunobstructedviewofhispenileensignwavingonhighbeforeheconcealsitinsidehisbriefs.Whenheisdressedhesmilesatme,Ismileathimandwithoutawordbeingspokenwewalkoff,hand-in-handinheaven.

August4:Thehustler-grapevinemustbebuzzinglikemadaboutmefortodayIhavesevenvisitors—anA.M.trioandaP.M.quartet,oneandalldroppingtheirpantsassoonastheyenterandbeatingtheirmeattodemonstratetheirpenis-potential.Asaruleorayardstick,PuertoRicanboysareheavy-hungandit'ssomewhatinferioritycomplexingtoobservea13erflogginghimselfhardformebyusingbothhands,onetwoinchesnorthoftheother!SomesappysexologisthasstatedthatSpanishladsareaddictedtomasturbationalmostfrombirthbecausetheirmothersconstantlysucktheinfantmember(penis-envy?)andthefathersfrequentlystimulatethebabypricktoproudlyexhibittotheirfriendshowupstandinglymachoisthechipofftheoldblockhead.August5:ImeetJunior,a13erpolluelobeautifulasafive-figuretax-freepension.Hewould'vebeenmyfavoritobuthehasadhesionswhichpreventhisforeskinfrombeingfullydrawnbackfromhisglanssohefindsfellationexceedinglypainfulandshortlygaveuptheGreatGameasthedoloroutweighedboththedelightandthedinero.August6:Ipickup12erPapo,awinsomePrinceofthePavementwithenamelledeyesandbarefeetsand-scouredsqueaky-cleanfrommuchplayonthebeach,butInosoonergethiminbedthanhesays:"Yameviene!"(Ialreadycame!)andbyHell,that'swhathemultiplemust'vedoneasIcouldn'tgetadropofmilkoutofhiminfourhoursofsweatysuctioneering.August7:Jorge(pronouncedWhorehey!),adarklyhandsomechicolitoof13comestocallorcallstocomeandit'smostevidentthatthehotsweetelixirisbubblinginhisslimloinsbuthe'sanothersexualnon-sequiturforallhewantstodoishumpme,declaringthatscrewingfeelsthebestandattheclimaxmakeshisdickhalfaninchlongerandtheglansthickerthanfellationdoes.Irefusetocooperateinsuchpenileheresyandbundlehimoff.MostPuertoRicanyoungstershavethissuper-masculineurgetobangyouandoccasionallyItakeontheyoungerkiddieswhensuchistheirfirstexperienceofanal-intercourse,amusedbytheir-manfuleffortstogettheirlittlepegsintotheknothole—theyusuallydon'tbutwincinglyIassurethemtheydidandthentheygoaroundbragging:"IfuckedanAmerican!“August8:Igetcussed-outbyapaper-boyandbad-mouth'dbyaShoesiebecauseIdidn'ttakethemhome!BothwereprimebaitforsuckersbutIhadapreviousdatewithaweefisher-ladwhosoldcocklesbutnotmusselsandlovedtohavehissnorkelsuckedintheshower.Heiswaitingformeatmydoor,bright-eyedandeagerandalreadyhalf-undressed.Hestaysuntil11P.M.andisjustabouttobidmegood-byewhenhedecidesheneedsanothershower—hisearsfeeldirty!August9:ThiseveningaladfollowedmehomeunbeknownsttorumbefuddledmeuntilhegropedmybuttasIwasgoingupthestairstomylairsoIfiguredhewasadeptatman-boygamesbesidesbeingsoslyandsilent-footedthathe'llprobablyendupontheViceSquadorbecometheCat-BurglarSoughtonThreeContinents.SayshisnameisChachoandthathe'sanAndalusiangypsy,wearsathingoldhoopinhisleftear-lobe,narrowgoldlinksclaspinghisleftwristandankle.Bigball'dandsweetcock'd,rearhemispherestautandtempting,sharp-cutdelicatefeatures'neaththedarkshaggyhelmetofhishair—intotoalittleconquistadorwhoIthoughtwouldaffordmefiestasoffellationbuttoosoonIdolefullydiscoverhe'sgotaone-waydickthatonlywantstofuckassandChachohaulsoutapairofpinkgirl'spantieshe'sswipedfromPadin'sDept.Store,makesdrink-soddenmedonthemandassumetheproneposition,

throughtheclothchewsonmydefencelessbuttocksuntilhe'serectedtotheproperpenetrativeadamancy,ripsoffthepanties,delugesmyhiccupingassholewithOilofOlay(aptlynamedbutinaptlydriesouttooquick),plungesinandcarriedawaybyhisowncreamylusthumpsmesolongandsopainfullythatIfeellikepoorSt.Sebastianmortallywoundedbyathousandarrowsallinonesuper-sensitiveSpot—andthisdefinitelyisnotthesortofanalrelaxationIenjoy.IhurryintotheshowertocooloffmylaceratedrumpandwhenIreturnIfindChachohasdecampedwiththecontentsofmywallet($4.56)andmyprizedcredit-cardtoapeg-houseinPunksutawney,Pennsylvania.August10:TodayIacquire12erPanchowhomIcallBoo(shortforBoo-Hoo),aweepylittlebooblitchkiwhosayshe'sanorphanandswearshecanrememberlikeitwasyesterdaytheveryhourhewasbornwithalltheblood,sweatandtearsattendantforbothconcernedparties—hencehisconstantblubbering.Thatmaybe,ofcourse,butmyownprivateopinionisthathislachrymalductsareasleakyasapissingcockandcleverBooexploitsthistohisdecidedadvantage.Sincehisonlyvisiblemeansofsupportseemtobebetweenhiskneesandhisnavelandareveryniceindeedandindeed,thisatoncebringsouttheMotherinmeforthissweettear-jerkergivesmefullconjugalrightsanditisatouchingsighttoseehimapproachmewithbrimmingeyes,KYinonehandandKleenexintheother.Andaftereverysex-sessionofwhatevernature,mysmallcry-babyagainsturnsonthewater-worksandsobs:"Nobodylovesme!Nobodycares!"SoforthwithIcuddlehim,gentlycaresshim,makemuchofhimuntilhesmilesthroughhistearsandsays:"Let'splayFuck-a-Luck!"whichisthebastardoffspringofHeartsandGinRummywhereifhelosesIgetafreepieceofassbutifIloseIhavetosweetenhispersonalpotwiththreebuckswhichIcanill-affordbutIneverwinbecausethecageykidkeepsmakingupnewrulesinhisfavorasweplay.Alack,IhadBooononlysixoccasionsofcostlyheaven—thenhemetamoreaffluentloverwhotookhimtoBermudatoresideamongtheonionswhich,Igather,willcausetheladtojoyfullyweepmorethanever!August11thru15:DaysandnightsexclusivelywithBooboo.August16:ThisafternoonChook'sbrotherChad(obtuselyhetero)gotmarriedintheChapelofSt.JohntheSupineandIwasinvitedtoobsequieswherebothLow-an'-GrinandMendel'sSonswedding-marcheswererenderedappropriatelyoff-key.Themotherofthebrideusuallyshedsfreshetsoftearsattheseaffairsbutthismotherallbutdancedintheaisles,thefatherlookedimmenselyrelievedasifhe'dgotridofamonkeyonhisbackandthebrideherselfseemedtoglowwithunholyvictorythoughshewassoheavily-veiled(probablywithgoodreason)thatIcouldseenothingofherfaceexceptanominouslydeterminedchin—'HerecomestheBride'andGodhelpthegroomifhecan'tcome.Asyouwouldexpect,whatmostengrossedmyeyes,earsandsuper-Idwastheall-boychoirintheirscarletcottasandwhitesurplices—impishfaces,angelicvoices—andparticularlyappealingwasonerococoyoungsterevidentlystrayedfromsomecinquecentobaroquecathedral,hissweetsatinselfevokingsilkensinsbehindscarletaltarsinanauraofincenseanddilativedevotivecandles.AftertheceremonyIhastenedtothevestryhopingtoencounterthataphrodisiackidbutallthechoristershadchangedandleftsoIwentontothereceptionwhereIatethespun-sugarbridegroomofftheweddingcake,wishinghewasthesixyear-oldring-boywho'dlookedfarmoretasty.ThenIsomehowcaughttheflungbride's-bouquetwhichsurelywasaluckyomen

forjustasI'mgoingbackforninthsonthechampagneandcaviar-stuffedshrimpsalad,Ibeholdthebeauteousbeatofmyheart—12hisyears,faunhisear,InnocenceinanEtonjacket(?).'0ComeLetUsAdoreHim!'thehymnadmonishesussoIthreadmywaytohimandamonthepointofutteringworshipfulpraiseOwedtoaNightingalebymeandKeatswhentheyoungsterlaughsasopranocricket-chirpandsays:"IknowwhoyouareandwhatyouwantbutIain'tforsale!”Mygoodness!You'dthinkSanJuanwassomegossipysmalltowninstaidNewEngland!"Ican'taffordtobuyyou,"Ireply,"butIwashopingtorentalittlebitofyouhereandthere.”"Forgetit!I'magoodboy!”"Sweetie,therearen'tanymorallygoodboysexceptperhapsinthewombforboysareborntosexualmischiefevenasmanisbornofwoman.YoumaynotbelievethatbutI'msureIcanconvinceyouifyou'lljustgivemeafewmomentsofyourvaluabletime.Here,let'susgobehindthisgenuineimitationpalm-treeinthecornerwherewecanconfabulatemoreprivately.”"Hey,holdit!Iain't—“"Don'tgetyourtesticlesinatizzy,baby!I'veneveryetrapedakidatawedding-reception—itwouldplayhellwithmycloset-image.”Hesitantlyhesuffersmetonudgehimbehindthepalm-treewheretenderlyIdecentlyassaulthim,ticklinghisearsandmassagingthebackofhisneckandshoulders."What'syourname?"Iwhisper,kissinghisbrow."Cisco—shortforFrancisco.”"IbetyouwerenamedafterSt.FrancisofAsseasiwhowasforthebirds.”"Howdidyouknow?”"Alittlestool-pigeonwithloosebowelstoldme."GentlyIbegintotonguethekid'snearearwhilemyrighthandrubsthesmallofhisbackandmylefthandstrokeslightlyupanddownhistautcrotch.Hisbreathquickens,thenhetriestosquirmoutofmyembrace.Holdinghimtighter,Imurmur:"Hasn'tanyoneevertongue-bathedyourprettypartsbefore?”"N-n-no!"hesighs,suddenlyquiescentinmyarms."Haven'tyoueverpeedinthepoolofyourlover'smouthandheardhimgreedilygulpyoursweetwaterdownandfelthimwringoutyourlittleforeskintoextractthelastpreciousdrop?”"N-o-o-o!"hequivers,pressingcloseagainstme."Haven'tyoueverhadyourloverlickandsuckyourlittleassholeuntilitgetsallhotandwetandswollenandopen—?”

"Stop!Stop!"theboycries,wrestinghimselffrommygraspandclappinghishandstohisears."Ican'tstandanymore!"(He'salreadystanding—onhisfeetandbetweenhisthighs.)"Littledarling,youwon'thavetostand.Youcansprawlinnakedcomfortonmybedandletecstasypossessyou—socomehomewithmenow!”Avoidingmyburninggaze,Ciscoshakeshishead."Ican't.I'vegotchoir-practiceinafewminutes.”"Thenlater—foraFirstNightofLove!”"TonightmyBibleClassmeets,"hemutters—thenhelooksdirectly,solemnlyintomyeyes."Buttomorrowafternoon…maybe!andblushingfuriouslyhefleeslikeaharebeforethehounds,histrimlittletailthelastIseeofhimbobbingthroughthedensecrowd.WillheletmeteachhimtheexcitingcatechismofhisBodytocounter-actthedullcatechismofChurch—orishejustanotherfalse-promiser?August17toMyDeparture:TheusuallyclementCaribbeanweatherletsmedownthisafternoonthatCiscoismaybeduetoarrive,assailingthecitywithheavyrainandlashingwindsbutat3o'clockaknocksoundsonmydoorandIrushtoadmitmysweetsongster,faithfultohiswordbutsoakedtotheskin.QuicklyIgethimoutofhiswetclothesandintomydrybedtodryhisdamppeltwithmydesire-parchedlipsbutplaguedbythepassingthoughtthatmoresexyyoungstersbyfarhaverubbedtheirstifflittledicksandpiggly-wigglybottomsupagainstMessrs.SimmonsorCastrothananyothermaninbedlamichistory.TheboyshutshiseyestightasIslobberdownhiswarmsmoothbodytotheholyfamilyjewel'dinthesatincasketofhisthighs,kisstheshyglanspeepingfrompinkprepuce,suckinthelimplittlepeniswhichswiftlyfirms,hardens,liftstoprodtheroofofmymouth—andsuck-suck-suckthelivelymorseluntilwithwildindicationsofpleasureCiscocriesoutandheavinglysquirtsburstsofhotslipperykid-stuffacrossmyeagerlylappingtongue.WhenI'vestrippedthemilkyresiduefromthelad'sstill-erectinjector,Isay:"Youlikedthat,didn'tyou?”Thekidopenshiseyesbutputsamakinghandoverthem."Y-yes.”"Andsomethingthatfeelssogoodcan'tbesobad,canit?""Buttheytellyouit'sbad.”"Paynotattentiontothem—listentowhatyourbodytellsyouforitincorporatesallthenaturalwisdomoftheages.”HereCiscodemursatgivingmehispee-peeuntilIpointoutthatpissingrinsesoutthelastbitofstickycomewhichotherwisemightgumuphisurinary-duct—andheletsitdowninasweetlyscaldingrushthatfillsmythirstymouthalmostfasterthanIcanswallow.Comingupforair,Inoticeforthefirsttimethatmytwice-drainedyoungvirginhasasmallBibleandaRosarybesidehispillow."Well,forevermore!"Iexclaim."Whatarethesefor—protectionfromheathensexfiendsandotherAmericans?”Theboyunveilshiseyes,sitsup,regardsmegravely."IbroughtthemalongsoifGodhappenstoseemeinbedwithyou,Hewon'tgetmadandsenddownarainoffireonus.”

"YouaremylovelyGuardianAngelandit'salwaysadvisabletoplaysafesoI'mexceedinglyreligious,too,butmycreedistheworshipofbeautifulladslikeyourselfandharassmentfromtheLawetceteraisaviolationofmyconstitutionalrighttoSexualFreedom—don'tyouagree?”Ciscoknitshisbrows,purseshislushlips."Idon'tknowbutIcouldaskmyConfessorforyou.”"IgottobutI'llsayitinEnglish'causemyConfessorunderstandsonlySpanish.”Huggingmycleverlittledissimulator,Inuzzlemyappreciativetongueintohisdew-fresharmpitandatoncethekid'seyelidssnapshutagain.Unmistakablyhelikesmyeroticattentionsbutevidentlyhesalvesapossiblyguiltyconsciencebypersuadinghimselfthatwhathedoesn'tseedoesn'texist—hisglanceevenshiesawayfromhisownnudeandperfectbody.HavingsampledCisco'santerior,IamravenousforhisposteriorandslylyIsay:"Youknow,dearheart,Ienvyyou!”"Why?”"Becauseyou'resittingontheTreasureoftheIndies!”Theboyraiseshimselfsightlytopeeratthesheetbeneathhim—thenhereddensandscowlsashecatchesthedriftofmymeaning."That'stheworstsinofall!"heshudders."Whatis?”"Whatyouwanttodowithmy...withwhatIsiton.”"Oh,comeon,baby—I'msureyou'veheardaboutMaryMagdalene,oneofthewhoresintheBible.”"Iain'ts'posedtoreadpartslikethatbutIdo."Anothersuffusionofpinkstainshischeeks."SothenyouknowthatMarysinnedmuchbutshewasforgivenmuchbecauseshelovedmuch—evenasIloveyou.”"Idon'trememberthatbitbutifit'sintheBibleIguessit'sOK.”"Soturnover,sweetheart—Iwanttoloveyoumuchonallsides.”"Butwhatareyougoingtodobackthere?Idon'twant—“"Iwillstrivetogiveyoupleasure,mywarydarling,butIwon'ttrytofuckyouforIneverrushthings.AsBillyShake-Spearoncetoldme:'Forwantofrestraint,manyascrewhasbeenlost!'.”

Sighing,atremblewithmisgiving,Ciscofinallyrollsontohistautbelly.Ah,yes,anOleassforsooth—thedelicately-seamedperinealpathbetweenthetwinbowersofbum-blissleadingtoapink,smooth-lipped,slightlyopenanusandIpressmyuppercheeksbetwixthisnetheronesandbeginnoisilytoslurpattheentrancingweehole.Theboygasps,squirms,moansthenheshovesuphisbottomtomeetmyrapinetonguethatsinksdeepasIcangetitintothesleekslipperygrottoandthereisafaintfragranceandtasteofsoapandheatingyoungmembranespulsingagainstthelengualravisher.AsIlicktheinnerwallsofhisopening,Ciscopantinglyrespondswithfranticcopulativemovementsinreverse,thebed-springssettingupanenviousclamor.Mytraitortonguetiringatlast,refusingtostaystiffandpointedtomypurpose,reluctantlyIwithdraw.Awailofprotestfrommyamorino,thenheslithersontohisbackandstaresatmewithawe."Well,St.Francis,"Isay,fondlinghiserectnipples,"didyoulikebeingtongue-fucked?”Hesmiles,flushes."YouknowIdid—buthowcanyoulikeit?”"Baby,yourassisassweettoeatasahot-fudgesundaeanditlastsfarlonger!”Wepillow-talkforawhilebuttheboyskillfullyevadesanypersonalquestionsabouthisparentsorhishomeorevenhimself,thoughmanagingtoimplythatheisprettymuchhisownmaster.Somekidsleadprivatelivesassecretasspies'andessentiallytellyounothing—volubly.Suddenlymybedmatepullsacornerofthesheetoverhisfaceandpointstohismidriffwherehisrechargedpenisisagainstifflyaimedattheceiling.TakingpityonitsengorgeddistressIoncemorehonkthelittlehornwhichsoonreleasesacadenzaofliquidnotesquicklyfollowedbyafloodofsparklingholywater.NowCiscosayshemustleavesoIgivehimabuckanddresshim,intheprocesscaressinghispartsanewwhilestudiedlytheboylooksaway."You'llcomebacktomorrow,won'tyou?"Ibeg."Youcancountonit,"hereplies,"likeearly.”ThatnightIdreamofhim,seehisseraphicfaceandformwiththevividnessoftotalrecall.Wearenakedinchurchinfrontofacrowdofspectators,theboy-choirischanting:'LetSleepingDogsLie,LetSingingBoysLay';CiscoisonhishandsandkneesbeforethealtarandIambentoverhim,tryingtoforcemycockintohisGloryHolebutit'swaytoosmall."Can'tyouevengettheheadin?!"mypartnershrillsdisgustedlyandthenIwakewithastart,it's8o'clockinthemorningandmydream-childishammeringonthedoor.Ilethimin,myeyesimmediatelyentangledinthenipper'szipperwhichishalf-open,thenInoticethekidiswearingwraparoundmirrorsun-glasses.Aha!Asharpminor,thisone—hewantstowatchmemakelovetohimbutdoesn'twantmetoseehimwatching!Abeguilingmixtureofpietyandperversity,he'sagainaccompaniedbyhisBiblewhichhestuffsunderthepillows,andhisRosarywhichhesuspendsfromtheheadofthe7faucet,shakesitatmeandsays:"Isavedmyfruit-juiceforyou,bed.Nowheripshisflycompletelyopen,digsouthisflutyincaseyou'rethirsty."Ineednosecondinvitationtodrinkdeepandsincehe'salreadyhadhismorningmeal,Ibreakfastondenudedhim—ashockinglyhigh-proteindietbutmostnecessarytoavoidheart-troubleorcauseit.

AftermakingthesignoftheCrossandkissinghisthumb,todaymyprettysongbirdletsmekisshimonthelipsandteachhimthesloppyjoysofsoul-smoochesandtongue-swapping.Then,arpeggiosticklingmyesophagus,hecroonsintomymouththegoodnewsthathe'sgoingtoskipchoir-practiceatchurchandpracticehere—buthisrepertoireisanoddone,albeitsuggestive.Introductorilyhetrillsthelazycock-sucker'srefrainfrom'TheLostChord'—'Seatedonedayattheorgan,Iwaswearyandill-at-ease...'andI'mmullingoverpossiblehiddeninsultsherewhenheswitchesto:'MineeyeshaveseenthegloryoftheComingoftheLord!'—whichcertainlymust'vebeenasnauseatinganindecentexposureasyou'reeverlikelytobehold.Takingadeepbreath,nowCiscolaunchesintoathirdlivelydittywhichIfearisalltootrue-to-life,beingrenderedwithstentorianandheart-feltsincerity:

`IamJesus'LittleMan—YesbyJesusChristIam!’

andwhenthekidstrainsforanalpinenote,hisprecociousprick-leterectstooscillatelikeamadmetronomeandIbendtolickupadropofcrystalhoneyseepingfromthequiveringglans-lips.Carriedaway,Ithrustmyheadintothevelvetnooseoftheboy'sthighsandbeginadagiosuctionofhisallegroinstrument,squeezinghishardlittlenutstosoonersurfacethesemen—butMasterContrarypullsoutofmeandqueries:"Whatd'yous'posewould'vehappenedifChristhadbeenagirl?”"We'dallbeabunchofbare-asspagans,happyasthedayislong.”"Likeusrightnow,huh?”AsInodinferventagreement,theboyre-insertshispenisandI'mjustgettingitintoanicestateofwildexcitementwhenhewhipsitoutagain-hefeelsanoversizecrapcomingon.Inthebathroomheperchesonthethrone,doeshisnoisybusinessandisabouttotearoffapieceofMr.Scottissuewhenhespiesthebidet,askswhatit'sfor.InreplyIturnontheup-jettingcoozy-cleaningstreamintheforepartofthesanitarydevice."Oh,it'sadrinking-fountain!"Ciscocriesandleapsuptogulpfromit,thenturnstosquathistightbottomovertheluckygeyserandsquealingwithdelightasthebubblingwaterscourshisweepoopy-hole.Idolikeacleanboythoughsex-smellylittleprickstakemyfancy,too.MylovelychoristerremainsalldaywithmewhichwhetsmyappetiteforstillmoreofhimsoIaskhimtostayovernight—buttheyoungster'sfacesobersinsuddendejection."Youwouldn'twanttosleepwithme,"hemutters.Ismysinging-boyuptolarksagain?!"Whynot?"Isay."Doyoukickthesheetstoshreds?”"Iwetthebed,"hewhispers,hisearsreddeninginasemi-blush."Well,abitofboy-peeneverhurtnobodyandI'vegotaplastic-coveronthemattress."(Idon'thaveacoverbutI'vegotsomethingevenbetter.)

Whenweretireaboutmidnight,drowsymuch-usedCiscoinstantlyfallsintoaheavysleepandafterafewminutesIslipdownandtuckhistiredpenisintomymouthforalastgoodnightcaress.InthemorningIwatchhimslowlywakethenswiftlysituptoexaminethesheets."Hey!"heexults,"Ihaddadrynight!"ExtravagantlyIpraisehimandsoasnottoimpugnhisfalsevictory,Idon'ttellthesweetundryadthathecopiouslypissedthreetimesinhisslumberbutnotadroptouchedthesheets'causeIhadhisleakyspigotinmymouthallthewhileheslept.(HereItrusttheRecordingAngelgivesmefullcreditformygooddeedofthenight!)AstheEdenicdaystoofastpass,mysapidsuckeespendsmostofhistimewithmeexceptforchoir-dutiesandsingingatweddingsorlikedisastersandIdiscoverthattheCiscoKidbrooksnorivalswhilehisistheboy-in-residence,hurlinghisBibleatallotherladswhocometovisitme,orlashingthemintoprecipitateflightwithhissteel-beadedRosary.Jealousyinone'sinamoratois,ofcourse,thesincerestformofflattery.Inowenjoyalloftheyoungster'spartsandprivitiesexcepthisanus—sonaturallyIspeedilyconvincemyselfIcan'tlivewithoutit,despitethehump-hazards.InNewYorkiftheycatchyouinthebare-trapofa12-year-oldfun-hole,youSing-Singthebluesforsixyearsminimum.InSanJuantheyshoveyouintoLaPrincesawhoisnotaprettygirlbutaprison.AndthoughIhavenotyetplumbedtheecstasiesofCisco'sNetherHeaven(`MaybeI'llletyouintomorrow!'—buttomorrownevercomes,poorchap!),hedoespermitmetointercoursehisarmpitsandbetweenhisthighs,calves,solesofhisfeetandtheinnerwallsofhiswarmbuns.ThenoneeveningjustasIejaculateinhiscapaciousnavelandwishingitweretheclose-lippedbelly-buttonenshrinedbetwixthisbuttocks,theboysurprisinglysays:"Wouldyouliketofuckmyassholeforachange?"AtlonglasttheLayoftheLatestMinstrel!!"Isob"YES!"inEnglish,SpanishandSodomese,scramblingformoreKYandpillowsandtrick-towelsandotherparaphernaliaoftheperfectpedication—butwhenwe'rebothideallypoisedforconnubialconjoining,mytreasonouspricksuddenlywiltslikeaspearofboiledasparagusandallmyeffortstorevivetherenegaderenegerareinvain.Hystericalwithmirthatmylimplow-downity,cheekyCiscosopranos:

`Hallelujah,I'mtheGlory,Hallelujah,amen!

Hallelujah,I'mtheGlory,Christisrisenagain!’

"Shaddap,already!"Igrump."YouandJesusdon'thaftarubitin!”Instantlytheboyoozescontrition,kissesmycheek,patsmyshame-facedpenis,promiseshe'llbeopenforbusinessinthemorning—buthealmostforgotthatrightnowhemustleavetoattendspecialreligiousservicesandheflingsonhisclothesandisoff,mirror-glassesandall.ThemorningandCiscoarrivetogether,thelatterspillingoverwithwillingsmilesandeagerinvitation—butjustasI'munzippinghispantsheappalledrealiseshe'sforgottenhisprotectiveRosaryandBibleandhehurriesawaytogetthem,up-zippingashegoes.ForasolidhourIimpatiently,frenziedly,hopelesslypacethefloor,thenfinallytheboyphones,sayinghe'shadanemergency-requesttosingatafuneral—myown,nodoubt,thoughIdon'tdaretoask.

MomentslaterIgetasecondphone-call,thistimefrommybossinNewYorkwhoremindsmethatI'velongover-stayedmyvacationandifI'mnotbackonthejobin24hoursorlessthenIcanapplyforUnemploymentorsellapplesinthestreet.Cisco(sansmirror-glasses!)comestotheairporttoseemeoffandbehindthebull-dykeoftwofatlesbiansfromAnn'sArbor,Michigan,Ikissmydowncastdarling,assuringhimthatI'llreturnduringtheThanksgivingHolidayandsqueezinghisfidgetypeckerbeneaththethinclothofhiscut-offs."Takegoodcareofthisforme,"Iwhisper."Don'tletanybodyelseuseit!”Thekidgrins,slapshisbottom."I'lltakecareofthisforyou,too!”InNewYorkIworklikeadognottothinktoomuchofmyIndiesEronemos,countingthetortoisesecondsuntilNovember24th.FourdaysbeforeThanksgivingIgetacablegramfromChookbreakingthenewsthatCiscohasenteredaseminaryinMadrid,Spain,tostudyforthepriesthood.Ah,cruel!PietyhasovercomePaganinity,seminarieshavevanquishedsemenaries,BibleandRosaryhavetriumphedoverKYandnon-existentplasticmattress-covers!NunsbecomethesymbolicalBridesofChrist—ifIknowCiscohewillbecomethediabolicalGroomofJesus.

49.AroundtheWorldinLXXXBoysXXXVITHRUXXXVIIIOhowIwishagain/IneversawMichigan!OnamoonlitplaygroundinYpsilantiitwasrecentlymygood/badfortunetobeholdtwocockspurladsfuckingonasee-saw...inthemiddleofit,naturally,whileathirdpants-downladwaitinghisturnasscrewer,screweeorboth,madetheteeter-tottertotter-teeterandwhichillustratesthewhoaryoldadagethatboyswhosticktogetheroftenbecomestucktogether.Nowmynameisn'tHumphreyasinMr.LaurenBacallbutI'malwaysfascinatedbythisHumpty-DumptypastimesohatinhandIhumbleuptothetumptididdlingextrovertsandaskcanIpleasetakepartintheirinnocentgame.Ah,yes,'twaseverthus:frominfant'shourI'veseenmyfondesthopesdecay!Inpresentcase,theyoungstersweredemonstrablyhot-assforeachotherbuttheyreportedmetothelocalGestapoforvisuallyassaultingandverballybatteringthem!XXXIX-XXXXBiblicalsourcesunderstandablyaremumonthesubjectbuttheprimalinstanceofhomosexualamourwaswhenthatapple-totingserpentsneakedintotheGardenofEdenlookingforAdamforwhomhehadapassionatepuppy-loveandit'stoberegrettedthatthetwoneverdidmeet—Imeanifyougetreamedbyasnakeyoupurelyknowyou'vebeenscrewed.Howsomever,thepoorserpentinadvertentlyranintoEvewhoimmediatelymisappropriatedtheapple,havinganinordinateyenforForbiddenFruit—andthat'swhenallourtroublesbegan!Moreaesthetically,thefirst-recordedcaseofboy-loveinhistorywaswhenAbelraisedCainwhoshotoffintothebushes—butAbelgotguilt-feelingsandrefusedtobendoverforCainsothat'swhyunableAbelbecamefratricided.XXXXIThereshouldbeaNationalBoy-Lovers'Dayhonouringallthosered-blooded,white-lippedAmericanmaleswhodotheirpatrioticbesttoimbibeatleast30%ofallthatpotentpopulation-potiondangerouslybubblingintheloinsoflovelyladdy-bucks.Indeed,ifitweren'tforcivic-mindedpederasts'tirelessefforts,soonthethunderoflittlefeetwouldlethallytrampleusallintogenocidaldust.InCaliforniatherearemorekid-loversthankidssoIconcidermentioningtheforegoingtoGovernorBrownbutIjustdon'ttrustamanwithanamelikethat!Apropos,nottoounrecentlyIwastalkingtotheMayorofSanFrancisco'syoungerson,acutie-piewithmattress-eyes,andwonderingwhatamayoraloffspring'smeattastedlikethoughI'dsupposethatajuniorpoliticalpeniswouldbemorepromisethanperformance.TheyoungsteraskedmewhatmynamewasandItoldhimIwasknownasdeLavalbecauseIwasamilk-separatorandspecialisedinskimmingthecreamofflactatingboys.Quickasabilly-goat'serection,thekid'sgothisflyopenandhispeteroutandsays:"Startskimming!"AfterI'velovinglyskimmedhimandstrippedhimandtenderlykissedhismoistlimpicityheshowshisgratitudebystickingahorse-pistolinmyribsandskimmingthetopoffthecontentsofmywallet—thoughhedidleaveme$0.35forbusfare.XXXXIIILesterworeacrownofdarkcurls,illicitazureeyes,cherry-jubileemouthandabodythatwouldbehighlyillegalinamatriarchy.HewasalittleKnightoftheNightIcameacrossonewintryeve

pissingamberendearmentsinthealabastersnow:Isuck!LikeadoginheatIsnifftheplacewheretheboypeedanditsmellsYay-sexy!sohotforHeavenItakehimtoanearbymotelthatfeaturesroom-dispensersofcondoms,Kotex,KY,baby-oil,etc.plusclosed-circuitTVporno-filmswhicharealldeflatinglyheterobuttheyexcitesweetLestertoamadnessofmating(mycockandhismouth)andaftersappingmesothoroughlythatmyballscollapselikeprick'dballoons,thislittletwigfromAttilatheHun'sfamily-treetriestodrownmeinthequeen-sizerupturedwater-bed.XXXXIIIItwasinHorsefly,Kentucky,aboutaweekofyearsagothatIraninto13erGene—literallyranintohimwithmySchwinnbicyclewhichisanoutrageousSchwinndleasit'salmostimpossibletocontrolbecauseit'samachoboy-bikewhomayhemlyresentsbeingriddenbyaman.Irushtopickupbowled-overGenewhoisblueingtheblue-grassairwithnovelbitsofprofanity,dusthimoffandgivehimtheonce-over.Well,yes,indeed!Heisasexygeniewiththelight-brownhairinacascadeofsilkyringlets,harlequin-apparelledintie-dyedT-shirtandjeans,bluesockononefoot,greenontheother—eyestomatch.Iinvitehimtomyvilevillatowashupandforthwithhewithunmitigatedgallbestridesmybicyclewhowarmlyacceptsanotherboyinhissaddleandwesetoff—Ionfootandpantingtokeepupwithmywheel'dcompanion.AthomeIlearnthatjejuneGeneisabackwoodsvagrantfromTennesseewithafrustratinglyvaguemannerbecausehecan'tdecidewhetherhewantstobedullyvirtuousliketheBaptistpreachersaid,ortobeecstaticallywickedlikemostotherintelligentladsare—andtohelphimarriveatafavourabledecision,Iwetlytonguehissinequanonassholetogivehimasampleoftheharmless'wickedness'Ihaveinmind.Whilehe'sdazedlyrecoveringfromtheanalsensationsI'vearoused,ImassagehimwithsufficientmoolatoconvincethekidbeyonddoubtthattheWagesofSinarestupendous.Notbeingayoungstergiventohalfwaymeasures,Genegoesallthewayinbed—butasusualIsoonscrewedmyselfoutofprobablythebestpieceintheSouthatthetime.Oneeveningpreparatorytoadministeringlay-therapytomysweetsheet-mate,IgrabtheExtra-StrengthMusteroleinsteadoftheVaseline—inahazeofimpellinglustnotrealisingmygrievouserror.Well,sir,thatInferno'dfuckresultedinmysittingwithmyscreamingcockinatrayofice-cubesfortherestofthenightwhileIhadtolistentoGenelaughingatmyplightuntiltearsrandownhischeeks.ObviouslyhefeelsnopainatallsoI'mforcedtoconcludethatTennesseeboysareblessedwithasbestos-linedassholes.XXXXIVAshestoashes,DusttodustIfboysdon'tgetyou,Obituariesmust.CanLobotomycureSodomyorviceversa?Cancastrationpreventasstration?AreCarter'sLittleLiverPillsmorehumanitarianthanCarter'sPeanut-policies?IsitbettertohaveLovedandLostthanneverto'vebeenScrewedatall?Thesearetheburningissuesthatpresentlyconfrontpoliticiansandotherpervertsincluding13erMiltonwhowasborninButztownintheKeystoneStatebutwasbetterknownasthePittsburghPincushionuntilhegraduatedtobecomethePennsylvaniaPegboard.Asismywontandwant,I'mforeverbacktrackingonboys(phallophoricDevilhotfortheangel-anus)butthat'sreallynotmyfaultformyintractableprickkeepsboundingoffaftersomelubriciousladandperforceIhavetofollowitbutIshould've

madelovetoMiltonwithmyhat—grabbeditandran.Factis,whenIfirstglimpsedhimIwasSvengali'dbyhismonumentalbeautyandthewayhisbuttstuckout,completelyfailingtonotehismandragoralocks,maladroitsmile,sepulchrallaughandthedead-reckoninginhiseyes.AsIchaperonhimtomytackyflathesaysIdon'tneedtopayhimanythingifIfillhissexualneedsandincredulously,deliriouslyImuse:'Why,hereisParadiseFound!'—butwhenI'vede-toggedhimandbegintaste-testinghisbodilyelementsIfindthathislipsaresochappedthattheyabrademyownandhistongueraspsmymouthlikearat-tailfile,hisnipplesareingrown,hisnavelisaneedle's-eyeinhisbellyandhissurly-lookingdongdoesn'tmeasureuptomyrigidstandardsforitrefusestospitorevenstiffenanditresembleahacked-off2-inchsegmentofstaleliverwurst,sohopefulofaconsolation-prizeItakethekid'speebutthathastheflavourofashaggydog'sbathwaterthoughIdon'tcriticiseasIneverhisPeterPantoaboy'sface.Expectinglittleornothing,IturntheyoungsteroverbutamjoyfullysurprisedforMiltonhasthekindofassthatisaveritablePathtoGlory,withdimpledbunsthatinspirekissesandasmoothpuckerlesspinkanusthatwinksatmeinheatedentreatyasitsownerholdshisloaveswideinatacitpleatobecocksinated.Patentlytheladhasagregariousasshole,fondofvisitors,soIslathergobsofgooonthehospitablelittleorificeandplungein,thekid'smeat-grinderrectumsooncausingmetosobetudesofecstasyandafternomorethanascantscoreoffeverishthrustsIseemtoejaculatefrombothendsofmydick—finallytocollapseatopmywrithingfuckee,exhaustedbutstillcoupledsomyprongcansoakinhisownhotjuices.Mypartnerissomewhatlessedified,grumblingthatIcametooquicktogivehimpleasure—andapologeticallyIpromisetodobetterafterafewminutes'rest.Alas,duringtheensuingweekIpainfullydiscoverthatMiltonisaslavetohisrectum,hiserogenouszonesareallinhisassholeandhisitchynicheisneversatisfied.He'sajuvenileSatyrandthoughI'mnoPriapusIdomydamnedesttofullfillhisdemandingaperturebutI'mjustnotuptoitdespitethepleasureofhavingtheboyeagerlystimulatingmywoebegonepecker,avidlylickingandsuckingittohalf-heartederectionandevenpolitelyputtingitinforme—forshortlyIfeellikeslaughter'dDeath,myback,balls,dickandvasdeferensacheandbelatedlyIrealiseI'mscrewingmyselfintoanearlygraveinafruitlessattempttosatisfythisboy-nympho.MercifulGod,you'dthinkhisrectumwasavagina!Reluctantly,I'mjustabouttoinformparadiselostMiltonthathisassistoomuchforanynormalmaletocopulativelycopewithwhenheannouncesthathe'sleavingmeforpubescentSiamese-twins,eachwithaSanforised10-inchcock.XXXXVGradyhasnoproblemsabout'masculineadequacy'foratage9yearsand8monthshisover-achieverepididymisenableshimtoejaculatefarmoresementhanIcouldcoaxoutofmyselfat15,whichnaturallyafflictedmewithabadcaseofpenis-envy,IencounteredMasterPrecociousonelateAugustafternoononasecludedMalibubeachwhere,hisLittleBoyBlueswim-trunksdoffed,hewaspantinglyengagedinstuffinghalf-a-dozenpeppermint-ballsuphistinyfun-hole,followedbyalmostallofapeeledbanana.Thenhegrindshistrimbuttocksaroundonandagainstthecaressivesanduntilhecomes,hisstiffunweedickpulsingjismlyinthetintinnabulanttwilight.Steamilystimulated,thekidslowlyextractsthefuckingfruit(shaftmint-tintedbutamberatthetip)anddevoursitwithgusto,givingdroolingmenaryabit.NowastrayGerman-shepherd

comeslopingup,indubitablyattractedbythatOlympianaroma,thatcelestialscentofsex-play'dboy-privitiesirresistiblealiketolad-loversandotherfastidiousbeastsandbeginstorintinnabulantlickGrady'sgenitalsandcandy-fruitedanus—tothemoaningdelightofthewrithingleg-spreadboy.Overwhelmed,Ishovethecursedcanineasideandtakeoverinmybestestfellatio-expertiseforeandaft—buttactlessGradydoesn'tappreciatemysuperiortechnique!Whistlinguptheeager-eyed,tongue-lollingcur,theboykicksmeawayandsneers:"Layoffme,man—Lassiedoesitbetter!”XXXXVITHRULXXX(DeletedbytheCensor)

50.TheHock-ShopKidOneearlyafternoonIwassittinginasecludedsectionofCentralParkwatchingtwosquirrelsfucking(bothweremale)whenfromsomebushesnearbythereemergedwhatsurelymustbealittleLadoftheEveningwhoknowsitpaystoadvertiseforaroundhisneckhe'swearingagoldmedallionmarkedPIECE!,thefrontofhiswhiteT-shirtisblazonedinred:LET'SGETOURSHITTOGETHER!andtheshirt-backproclaims:SERVICESTATION,BODYPARTSSUPPLIED.Theyoungstersportsacrestofcockatoo-curls,intriguingdarkorgasm-smudgesunderhissea-greeneyes,aloosewetpoutymouthandwithalheexudessexinesslikealeakysieve.Icanevensmellhisassevidentlyheinadvertentlysatinabedofcatnipwhilehewasbeingblowedinthebushesandsuchsucklingsareagallonof200-proofboozetoaboyaholiclikemesoIsmileingratiatinglyandinvitehimtosquatandchewthefatforaspell.Warilyhesitsdownbesidemebuthe'ssomewhatdistantatfirstandwhichIapproveofasthesafestyounglingsarethosewhoarehotwithyouinprivatebutcooltoyouinpublic—forwhoknowswhatevillurksintheheartsofhostilehoveringheteros?!However,thekidwarmstomeconsiderablewhenItellhimI'mwritingaHow-TobookforboyswhoaspiretobecomehustlersandIwouldappreciatehishelpasheseemstobeamostattractivememberofthesecond-oldestprofessionhimself.Heproudlyadmitstohisandsayshe'llbegladtoassistmeifI'llgivehimstar-billinginmyproject.QucklyIassurehimhe'llbetheheroandchiefprotagonistinmyopuswhichI'llentitle:TheKinkandI,mebeingthekink.Seekingseductivedetails,Iaskhowlonghashegracedthisbeauty-starvedEarth."Takeanumberfrom12to13an'that'sme.MynameisHorace,pronounced'whore-ass'butI'mfamousintheskin-trade'causeI'vegotthreeballssomyfriendsandloverscallme`Pawnshop'.”"Really?!"Imarvel."TripletesticlesaresomethingI'dhavetoseetobelieve.”"Thatcanbearranged.Mythirdnutisasortastand-byandfillsinwhenoneoftheothertwogetsejaculation-fatiguefromtoomanyblow-outs.”"Ishouldbesoluckyinthesemen-factory,"Iwistful."Uh,whendidyourprivatepartsfirstgopublic?”"WhenIwas8.See,IwasbornonSodomRoadinBrewster,NewYorksoIguessIwasanaturalforthemeat-marketgig.ThenaweekaftermyeighthbirthdaymyfolksemigratedheretoNewYorkCitywhichisaforeigncountryandit'sbeenRowdy-dowan'don'tlooknow!eversince.Ididn'tmakeouttoogoodtillIwas9an'gotmeanagent.”"Oh,Lord,don'ttellmeasweetlinglikeyoubelongstoapimp!IhatethosegoddamGentlemenofLeisure—theyshouldalllikeyesterdaydiewithahard-on.”"Myman'sstrictlyarespectableagent,heonlytakes10%generallyintrade—andhevetsallmycustomers,weedsouttheundercoverfuzzan'S-Msan'VDsan'otherhassle-types.”

"HowdoeshetestapatronforanalVD?”"Ain'tyouhadnosex-educationinschool?!Heputsonasurgicalglovean'stickshisfuck-fingerupthescore'sbang-holean'ifthefingercomesoutwithpusonitorsmellin'kindasickly-sweet,thatbastardisO-U-Tout!'Course,IgetthelastsaysoifsomeJohnvetsOKbutIdon'tlikehislooksorsumpinthenIshowhimthedoor,kindlycomebacknever.”"LittlePawnshop,whatdoyouthinkofmylooks?"Isimper,steelingmyselfforthecandidworst."Yourfacelookslikemonth-olduncollectedgarbagebutyouain'ttoobad,considerin'.See,Igoforoldmen'causethey'remoregentlean'gratefulan'paymore.Youngshits'retooroughan'shortonbreadan'Bim-bam,thankyouman!soItell'emtogofindthemselvessomeTimesSquarepunkfromthesticks.”"What'syouropinionofheteromen?”"Youmeanstraights?Mostof'emneedbothhandstofindtheirassinthedarkbutIdon'tbotherthemiftheydon'tbotherme.Infack,forsecurityreasonsIrefusetobeseenonthestreetwithaJohnunlessheatleastpassesforstraight—eventhoughheturnsouttobeascreamin'queeninbed.”"Haveyoueverhadaheteromanforaclient?”"Sure,lotsatimes.See,theygetfedupwithstinkycunt-fishan'figgerthey'lltryanicepieceofboy-meatforachangean',y'know,someof'emgetsohookedoncock-cocksexthatit'stheirwholebagfromthenon!”"Doyouconsideryourselfstraight—orotherwise?”"Oh,I'mbentashell—butonlyformykid-brother.”"Doyouthinkyourhustlinghadanythingtodowithyourbecomingbent?”"Naw!WhatcauseditwaswhenIwas5thepignextdoormadefunofmypecker'causeitwouldn'tsandupwhensheplayedwithitsoshegoesan'blabsaboutitinkindergartenandallovertheneighborhood.Ineverforgotthatan'itstillmakesmeseered.”"Howdoyoufeelaboutpassiveanal-intercoursewithyourpatrons?”"Itain'tmyfav'ritehobbysheetwisebutiftheJohnisrightandthepriceisrightandmymoodis—Ifuck.Nextquestion.”"Doyoutakeyourscoreshomewithyouorgototheirplace?”"Neither.ImeettheJohnatmyagent'sapartment.He'sanex-MarineandsortawatchdogsforemwhileI'mentertainin'butthepoorguy'sgottabadcaseofclosetrophobia.”

"Youmeanclaustrophobia,don'tyou?”"No!Hecan'tstayintheclosetan'he'safraidtoleaveitbutI'montapwhenhewantsme.”"Doyouhaveanygripesaboutyourcareerasbody-merchant?”"Well,Ihateitwhenatrickblowsmebutdon'tswallowmycream—that'saput-downan'adamninsult!Guyswhodon'tlikecomeshouldn'tsuckcocks,right?”"That'swhatMissLesbiansaid.Whatdoyoulikebestaboutself-merchandising?”"Thewayitmakesmefeel.Whenapreacherorabankeroraperfessororsomedignified-lookin'oldfartlikethatisonhiskneesgoin'downonmean'kissin'an'lickin'an'sobbin'an'slobberin'allovermydickIfeeltenfeettall,I'msomebody—Igotboy-power!”TherhapsodicalragazzocertainlyhaspowerovermeforsuddenlyIhearmyselfimportuninghimforanimmediatehelpingofhistween-thighboy-titty."Areyounuts?!"Pawnshophisses."Wedassn'tdoithere!”"Thenlet'sgointothebusheswhereyouunloadedbefore.""Oh,thatwasonlymykid-brother—hegetsitonthehouse.”"Doeshehustle,too?”"Naw,he'sagoody-goody,teacher'spet,likesschool—allthatsquarejazz.”"Buthelovespeter?”"Mypeterismother'smilktohimbuthe'dratherdiethanadmitit.Look,man,ifyouwannamakeitwithmethenseemyagent—here'shiscard.YougethisOK,I'llbegladtoshowyouwhatathree-ballercando!”"I'llflyhimonwingsofdesire,"Isincere,carefullystowingthecardinmywallet."Uh,Pawnshoplove,Ijustnowhappenedtonotice—what'sthatwhitespotthereonyourpants,nexttoyourfly?"Theboylooksdown,cursessoftly."That'smydopeybrotheragain—hegetssoexcitedheawwaysspillssomeofmycock-juice."Pluckingasnowysnot-ragfromaback-pocket,PawnshopisabouttowipeawaytheoffendingstainwhenIstayhishand."Letmehaveit!"Ibeg."Butthestuff'scoldan'prob'lylostallitsflavorbynow.""Nomatter—youmadeitsoIwantit.”Thekidlaughs."You'rearealhot-pops,ain'tyou?OK,backtothebushes!”BehindaclumpofmaidenhairfernsIkneelandpulltheboyclose,mybloodthickwithlad-lustandmylipssentientasantennaeasIbendtolickupthecongealingblobofstickyheaven,but

insteadoftastingsweettangyboy-comeIgetastingingtonguefulof...sourpigeon-shit.

51.Aaron'sRodJewishboyscanbeasbeautifulasthatDarkAngelGodkickedoutofHeavenbecauseAngelwasgettingfarmorevotesthanHewas,butI'veneverhadmuchsuccesswiththemforthey'reeithersointellectualthattheycan'tkeeptheirmindsonlovelylow-downsubjectsliketheirgenitalsorasshole,ortheyscornsharingthesheetswithaGoybecausethey'reinbuedwiththedenyingprinciplethatTipsthattouchporkshallnevertouchmine!'Besides,averygoodfriendofminewentstarkstaringmadtryingtoretracttheforeskinofaRabbi'sgrandsonandanoldschoolmate(SanQuentin,Classof'69)hadamostunfortunateexperiencewithacinnamon-skinnedSemitefromCasablancawhowascircumcisedonWednesdayandcouldn'tpisstilFriday.AaronisoneoftheChosenandIchosehimonaccountoftheyarmulkehewaswearingwasthatsucculentshadeofpinkyouseeonaboy'sglansortheinnerwallsofhisanus.Hehasravenhairandebonyeyesinastylisedyoungface,cuddlysmall-for-13body,compactrosycheekscomingandgoingplusthatindefinableairofaput-outpuersoIaccostedhimexpectingit'dprob'lycostme.Tomyandmywallet'smutualdelight,wefindthatthecharitableladpriceshisasswellwithinourassetssoarm-in-armallthreeofusgohometogether,AaronlimpingslightlyduetohishavinggothisleftfootwedgedinanantisocialspittoonathisrecentBarMitzvah.Duringapre-rompsnack,mycherubinpick-upprovestobeOrthodoxthoughnotbigotedforhechowfshiswaythroughhalfawholebakedhamandthencomplainsit'snotkosher.TartlyItellhimhe'sacannibalcaseofonehogeatinganother—towhichheretorts:"Ha-ha,you'reabiggerhamthanmyUncleMilty.Passthemustard."AsthekideatsandIplayattentiveservitor,hemouthfullyconfidesthatinhissearchforsexual-identityhestrayedoffthePathofPureReasonontoadeliriousbutdivineDirtRoadandhe'sgagaabouteverydeliciousdownwardstepofit.Impatient,Isuggest:"It'sjust29giantstepstomyyouth-bedsoshallweretire?”Aaron'srodisacutlet,ofcourse,butwhat'sleftisGradeTriple-Ameatandthoughhe'sJewishhe'sallhotpaganboyoncehefeelsamattressbeneathhimandaloveroverhim,oneofthoseparadiseperfectoswithareciprocating-actionassthat'sajoytohumpastheanalringismildlyrelaxedbuttherectumistightasadrum—andthetalentedkidwigglesandsquiggleshissnugbottomontoandaroundmyflamingtorchofloveuntilI'mindowntomyballs,upforrectalgrabsandfastlosingcontrolofmypenileself.Duringthetea-roomtete-a-tetethatensues,Idrinkfrommyguest'sLeaningTowerofPissathentongue-provokehisbarber'ddicky-birdintofrenziedcreamytantrum.WhileImilkhispubicprefixforresiduals,myormolujuniorpartnerincrimeexhaustivelyexaminesmyprepuceinsideandout,declaringthatmineisonlythesecondonehe'severseenandhegreatlyregretshavinglosthisown.VeryobviouslybrissisonhubristoemancipatedAaronfornowhesays:"Youcanhavemorefunwithacockthat'snotscalped,can'tyou?”"I'mnotinapositiontopassjudgmentonthat,"Ireply."You'llhavetoasksomesexually-activekidwhogotslicedshortlyafterpubertyforhe'dbestbeabletocomparecapedanduncaped

penis-reactionsinpleasuresituations.Personally,Ithinkcircumcisionisasprimitiveandsavageacustomashavingyourteethfiledtopointsorwearingatribalringinyournose.”Aaronnodsinferventconcurment,thenheasks:"DoyouthinkIcouldgetaforeskingraftedontomypipi?”"NowadayssurgeonstransplantheartsandGodknowswhatelsesoI'dsupposetackingonaprepucewouldbemerechild's-play.”"Themaintroubleisinfindingadonor,though,"theboyglooms."Whydon'tyouinquireatamaternity-hospital?Nodoubttheythrowoutadozenormorelittleboy-skinseveryday.”"Butthey'dbewaytoosmallforme—I'dneedanage-size13.”"H'm,detachedpubertalprepuceslikethatwouldbeveryrareintheUnitedStates,I'mafraid.Ontheotherhand,Moslemladsareoftenclippedaroundtheir13thyearbutIdon'tknowanyyoungMohammedanshereinNewYork.”"YoumeanArabs?”"What'sinaname?They'rereallySemites,justlikeyou.""Oh,hell,Iwouldn'twantanArabforeskin—itmightgivemyprickterroristideas.”"Aaron,baby,neverletpoliticsorreligioninterferewithyoursex-life—it'ssuretofuckthingsupingeneral."JokinglyIadd:"Tellyouwhat—whenIkickoffI'llleaveyoumyweebitofepidermisinmywill.It'salmostlikenew—hardlyeverbeenusedexceptonweak-ends.”Theladlooksatmeintently,asifcalculatingmylife-expectancyandwhatheseesevidentlyseemspromisingtohimforheshiftstobringourwhangstogether,buttinghisglanshead-onagainstmineandgentlypullingmyforeskinentirelyoverhissweelingknob."It'saperfectfit!"heexclaims."Likeitwasspecialmade-to-orderforme!”I'mforcedtoagreethoughitdoesn'tdomyamourpropreanygood—thekid'smalelogoisasbigasmyowndespitethefactthatI'mfourtimeshisage!Arousedanewbytheboy'sfiddlingwithmycentrepiece,Ipant:"Aaron,love,thealltoofewtitbitsI'vehadofyourmultiplecharmsmakemewantafullmealsocanyoustayovernight?”"Ireallyshouldn't,"theyoungstersmiles,"butseeingit'syou,Ijustcan'trefuse!”SuckerthatIam,I'malwaysoverwhelmedbythistoo-seldomflatteryfromboysandafterabriefpauseforsupperwereturntothefour-posterwhereImoreleisurelydineonthesuperiorcuisineofmycuteconcubino.UponrequestIsuckthesweetcheftosleepwhereuponsurprisinglyIdozeoffmyselfamostunusualoccurrencewhenI'vegotacomely,compliantkiddieinmyarms.

Bytheverynatureoftheirsex-preference,mostifnotallboy-loversareacutelysensitivetorealorfanciedwarningsofdangerfromeverypossibleorimprobablesource.AtsometimeinthenightIawokefeelingvaguelydisturbed.ThenIbecomeconsciousofamorelocalisedsensationandmyeyesflyopentoincredulouslybeholdAaroncrouchedovermygroin,hislefthandgraspingtheforeskin-tipofmylimppenisandstretchingittautwhileinhisrighthandthelittlehellionbrandishesadouble-edge,two-faced,scalpel-sharpGilletterazorblade.

52.HisEndwasmyUndoing

Ho!Ho!Ho!Youandme-

LittlebrownbumHowIlovethee!

RecentlyImisspentsometimeinTexasandasfarasI'mconcernedit'sahellishStateofFutility,immediateordelayed.Forexample,nevermakepassesatboys'assesinLampasasfortheretheweestudsrespondbymakingapassatyourpratwithabootedfoot.IwentontoElPasohopingitwouldliveuptoitsnameandchancedonaprecociouslittleladwithacutelittlecurlrightinthemiddleofhispubis(hewastakingapants-downpeeatthetime)buthemusthavebeenvirtuallyimpotentforthoughhesaidhe'dlovetoaccommodateme,heruefullyadmittedthathisdickwouldn'tstandunlessa30-piecebandplayedtheStar-SpangledBannerinwaltz-time.FleeingtoSanAntonio,IpickedupagamyyoungMex-AmwhoforhisfeeinadvanceagreedtoletmerompinhisturbulentGulfofMexicobutwhileIwasregisteringatamotel—'SamHouston&Son'—hesomehowgotmislaidandIhadtogotobedaloneintheLoneStarState.InDallasayoungstersosexythatheerectsmyprostate-glandpropositionsme,showingFoto-matprintsofhimselfgoingdownonamanandbeingfuckedbysame—andI'mjustabouttowhisktheaffirmativeactionisttosomesecludedrendezvouswhenhismothercomescaterwaulingup,cloutsSonnyontheearanddragshimaway,filthypicturesfortunatelyconcealedintimetoescapeMama'sMedusaeye.HastingtoFortWorth,Ispyacaptivatingmini-minorcoolinghisheelsandhiscrotchonthestepsofthePublicLibrarysoIsitdownbesidehim,launchingintoaglowingdescriptionoftherapturesandrosesofSodomicVicewhenhegivesmeasidelongSatanicsneerandinda-ditMorseCodetapsoutonmyknee:'ATexasRangeriswatchingyou!'IndespairIrepairtoAustinwherejustinsidetheCityLimitsIencounteralittleitemofjuveniliawithahighpleasure-potentialincludingabottomthat'stopsandhereadilyassentstosharinghisgoodieswithmeasherubshisthumbandforefingertogetherintheage-oldcapitalisticgesture.ButjustasI'vehandedhimhisfeeablue-jowledchoochinaredLamborghinipurrsup,stops,kiddyleapsaboardandtheytootleoffamidgalesofrip-offlaughter—I'vebeenfleecedbyasharplittlebastardwhopatentlyknowswhichsideofhisbuttisbestbreaded.Crestfallen,IslinkovertoWacoandthere,leaningagainstthesideofahousewitharedlightoverthefrontdoor,isaweearticleofabout12withamouththat'sallwetredinvitationtobacchanaliasoImakemypitchbutthefledglingcutshishandatmeandsays:"Oh,man,you'rewaytoolate!I'mplumbsucked-outan'fucked-outan'I'mwaitin'formypigwho'scomin'offshifttereckly."Readytowelcomealmostanylittlethingthat'sball'dandbelowtheAgeofConsent,IhurtleontoHoustonbutahugesigninthesuburbsshrieks:FAGSANDOTHERFREAKS—STAYAWAY!FeelingmorelikeamemberofanendangeredspeciesthanIabnormallydo,IfurtiveovertoAmarillowheremeetsmyhungrygazeabarefootboyoflewdaspectandlasciviousdeportmentwhohair-pikshisSouthAfroblondfluffandchirpsinAfrikaans:"Youwannalickmydirtyfeet,mister?"I'mtemptedtotakehim(sansfeet)forhe'scuterthanCupid'stwin-brother—thenhesmirkinglydivulgesthathiscockisstrictlycunt-program'dsoIbidhimanunfondadieu.MinuteslaterIcomeuponaneplusultrastriplingbuthejogsbysofastthatIcouldn'tcatchhimevenifIputsaltonhistail.

Oflove,honourandjoybereftIdecidetotryGalvestonasalastresortandasIgetoffthebusthereheis(orishe?)—asmallRaggedy-Andy,unkemptandunkept,bendingovertotieasneaker-lacewhichcauseshisfrayedcut-offstoslippartlydownhiships,revealingalmosthalfthevulnerablecleftbetweenhissleeksmoothbuttocks:ataut,toastedlittlerear-endIlongedtotailgateincopulativecollision.Hestraightens,turnsandbated-breathIbeholdlocksindarksilkenriot,eyesofforget-me-notblue,beige-chiffoncheeks,Etruscannose,generousfree-wheelingmouth:inessenceatoothsomegingerbread-boy,brownfrombeach-sun—butwillheletmeeathim?Noticingmyspellboundstare,theweelambpracticallywalksintothiswolf'sjawsforhesmiles,comesuptomeandbleats:"Sayhey,man!Didyoujustgetoffthebus?”"Yes,Idid."Helookstobeanelevenish12andactsabout8—amostfavorablecombinationforlittle-game-hunterslikeme."Ilovebuses'causeIwasbornononean'I'dride'emallatimebutI'mbroke.”Isthisanopeningforapass?Idecideitisandsay:"I'mboundforNewOrleansandI'dbegladtotakeyoualongifyourfolksdon'tmind.”"I'monmyownan'I'dlovetogowithyoubutIcan'tpayyouback.”"Moneyisn'ttheonlywayyoucanrepayme,"Isayandglancepointedlyathiscrotch."Iknow!"thekidsnickers."It'sanevenswap—arideforaride,OK?”That'saglowingpromisebutboysareoftengreatpromisersandindifferentperformers,asanyfoolknows.PerhapsI'mbuyingapiginapokebutit'samostcharmingpigletandfrequentlyonehastobeadventurousandtakeachanceoryouendupinbedsleepingwithyourselfwhichishardlyarousingcompany.Ofcourse,there'snotmuchopportunityforamouronaTrailwaysorwhateverbutlovewillfindaway,sotheysay,andtenminuteslaterwe'reonaGreyhoundheadedEast,thekidpositivelyneonicwithbrightdelightandchatteringthathe'sone-eighthKiowaIndianonhisaunt'ssideandhisnameisNahmiwhichistepee-slangfor'Idintdoit!'ItellhimIonceknewandadoredabeautiful,bountifulladwhowasone-quarterComanche.Nahmishrugsandsneers:"ThemComanchesisallpoor-redtrashan'wun'tknowascalpfromascrewdriver.”"Ihopeyoulikepalefaces,"Isaynervously,trustingthekidhasn'theardofMarlonBrandoandhisanti-whiteantics.Hell,IwaslovingpubertalpapooseswhenMarlon-poowasstillpoopinginhis3-corneredbritches.Puttingawarmhandonmythigh,NahmiassuresmethathepreferspalefacesonaccountofheranawayfromtheReservationwherehelivedbecausethetribalelderswantedtoputhiminaHomeforBackwardBoys."Backward,myass!"Iindignant."Why,you'rethemostintelligentladI'vemetinallTexas!”"Itain'tthatkindabackward,"myfellow-travellerexplains."See,whenaboyisgood-lookin'like

Iamtheystriphimbare-assan'makehimridebarebackonaponyuntilhisnutsshrivelupan'die.Thentheyputadressonhim,callhimabardashan'fuckhimlikeagirl—onybackward.”"Shocking!"Iexclaimhypocritically."Shit,IndianboysuseeachotherlikethatlotsatimebutIsure-Goddintwannalosemyballs!”"Thatwouldbeacrushingblowtousboth,"Imutterdistractedlyandpullmysweet1/8thOriginalAmericanontomylapsohefacesthewindow.Nooneissittingacrosstheaislefromusandblessingthehighseat-backsthatscreenusfore-and-aft,Islidemyhandbeneaththewaistbandofhistatterdemalioncut-offs,findhe'swearingnoundergarmentandcaresshisvelvetydelta,trytosnarethepreciouslittleflesh-tube.Nahmiscowls."You'remakin'yourselfrighttohomedownthere,ain'tyou?!”"Doyoumind?"Iwhispertremulously."IfImindedI'dbeyellin'BlueMurderbynow,wun'tI?Buttakeyoumeat-hooksoutathere.”Sighing,Icomply—thenIseehimunziphisflyandspreadhislegs.AsmyhandfliesbacktoParadisehegrinsimpishly,sticksouthistongueandfluttersitbetweenhislips.Thistimemysearchingfingersencounterhisfirmlittlestones,ticklethemuntilthesuede-softsactightensagainstthebaseofthestiffeningyoungtotem-poleabove."Canyousquirt?"Iquery."CouplenightsagoIdid—forthefirsttime!"theboysayspridefully."Igoforlittlenewcomers,"Iwheeze."Didyouhaveawet-dreamormakelovetoyourfist?”"Ijistusedtwofingersan'mythumb,likeawways.”"Handraisedpricksarethebestbytest."Irubhisweetom-tomtograndstand-play,feelthethrobbingsting-raystabatmypalmwithsharpthrusts,continuethefrictivefelonyuntilNahmisoftlymoanswithpleasure.Nowmybasebasalmetabolismimpelsmetorushinwhereevendevilsfeartotread:"Doyousupposewecoulddoith-h-here?"Istammer."Sure!"theyoungstergasps,hisfacetenseinarictusofrut."Scroochdownonmean'I'llcoveryourheadwithmyjacket.”AflamewithorallustIbendtoburymyfaceintothekid'shotcrotch,mouththetendermorselandtongue-beattheboy-meattocomethecream,myheadbobbingupanddownlikealunaticYo-Yo.SweetNahmiisquickonthetrigger,fastestgunintheWestforintwoandtwentyshakesofhislamb'stailhegroaninglyemits,hisforcefulejaculationsnearlyKOingmyuvulathensplashingbackonmytonguewhichdetectsanappetisingflavorofalmondyoghurt.AsIfinishstrippingoutthelastofthedivinesediment,theboycries:"Look!Look!"Lickingmylips,Iraisemyheadandfollowhispointingfingertoseefourlaughingladdiesmooningbesidethehighway—ararebouquetoflovelybun-blossoms,publiclydisplayed."Themboysisnaughty,ain'tthey!"mycompanionsaysseverely,hisdickstillhangingoutofhis

fly."Theyain'tgotgoodmanners.”"Theylookexceedinglywell-rearedtome."Ireply.ThenIclaspmysmallcriticinabear-hugandwhisperinhisear:"NeverinmywholeentirelifedidIdreamonecouldmakesomuchloveinaGreyhound!”"Whynot?Dogsdoitallatime.”MyinsatiablehandagainspidersintoNahmi'sflytocaresshissociablecock,lovestomingle—butthealertyoungstershovesmeaway,hastilyupzipsandscramblesoffmylap."Watchit!We'restoppin'innatown!"Assubstitute,thrillinglyIsniffmypenis-scentedfingers—chicken-lickin'good!WhenwearriveinNewOrleanssomehourslater,Iwanttotakemylittlechild-bride(ball-bearingtype)toahotelforamoreuninhibitedhoneymoonbutNahmihasn'tyethadhisfillofbusessoIsuggestthathecometoNewYorkwithme—allthewaybyhisfavouritetransportation.Poppetsparkling-eyedagreesandgiggles:"We'retheRollingStonesforreal,aren'twe?!”However,thevehiclewefinallyboardfortheNortheastisneitherGreyhoundnorTrailwaysbutpossiblybelongstotheWaywardBusLineforitmeandersalloversouthernLousiana,pilotedbyagraybeardscarecrowwhotalkstohimself,ignoresSTOPsignsandtakesfrequentnipsfromabottlemarkedHADACOL(shortforHardAlcohol,judgingbyitseffects)—whichevidentlyalarmedmostofthepassengersforsoonthebusisalmostemptysotheboyandItakeoverthelong,unobstructedseatinthereartomorecomfortablyresumeourlove-play.HereIdebatetherisk-rewardratioofback-seatfuckingbutdecideit'snotonforourdementeddriverseemstotakegreatpainstohiteverygoddampotholeintheroadandI'dprobablynosoonergethalf-wayinmyprettyinamoratothanI'dbebumpedoutofhim,heandmyoutrageddickyelpingloudenoughtowakethedead.Fortunately,anacademicpointasjustthenthebuscomestoascreechinghalt—thefrontlefttirehascomeoffandgoeshellingdownthehighwayinfrontofus.Temporarilydisillusionedbymaverickbuses,Nahmimakesnoprotestwhenweretraceourrouteaboutaquarter-miletoamotelwhereIsigninas'HughE.Long&nephew'.IntheshowerwedetergenteachotherduringwhichtheboyseesmycockforthefirsttimeandpromptlychristensmeHeapBigChiefLittleMeat—'Chief'forshort.(I'dslaptheshitoutahimbutitwouldonlybeawasteofenergyashe'salreadytakenapisslesscrap.)Onthepalepinksheetsthekidbelly-flopstostretchandbouncewithluxuriousabandon,myeyeshypnotisedbyhislittlebrownbum—purehard-corepornintheflesh.AvidtoexploretheanatomyofhisanalityIjoinhim,eelbetweenhisslimthighstogentlybitethetauthalf-moons,prythemasundertosnifftheattarofboy-ass,amino-acidineffable;licktheseam'ddownwardpathfromscrotumtotheweescarlethump-hole,slightlyopentorevealpalestpinkwithin;wetlytonguethetinyslituntilNahmi'splumpyoungpootiewritheswithblissandmyprocreativedigitclamourstogetintotheact.Atlengthtearingmymouthawayfromthelad'ssteaminghot-spot,Imurmur:"Asthedoughnutsaid,'Theholeisgreaterthantheparts'.”

"Sogoscrewadoughnut.”"MysweetFirstAmerican,beniceoritgivesnomorebus-rides.Youdon'tobjecttoyourlovelymoonbeingfull,Ihope!”"Whenotherkidsfuckedmeitonyfeltlikeaturdinreverse—butyou'reaman!”"Oh,baby,you'renotgoingtobackoutnow?!"Iwail."Imaybeaman,opinionsdiffer,butI'malsoChiefLittleMeat,remember?”"Oh,yeah,Iforgot!"andthetactlessyoungpipsqueakguggawssodeafeninglythatitabradesmycock'salreadyshakyself-esteem."ChiefCigarette-Prick!LittleFingerBandMedicine-Man!”Iniphisanal—lipsinfondreproof."So,beauteousbus-boy,areyougoingtogivemeroom-serviceordoIhafta—?”"Yougotslipp'ry-stuff?”"Righthereonthenight-table—Dr.Fuch'sAssoulJellyforguaranteedpainlesspenetration.Uh,tellme,whatdidyouyoungbravesuseinyourgang-bangs—bear-grease?”"Wepeedinitan'workeditingoodwithourfingers.”"Tsk!Tsk!That'sashamefulwasteofaquapuera.TheglopIgotwon'tdryoutandI'llevenwarmitupforyousoitdoesn'tpuckerupyourtenderrectum."Squeezingsomejellyintomypalm,Iholditthereuntilthechillisoffthenthoroughlylubricatetheanal-foyeertoquiveringanticipation.Guidingmyrampageousbeastiemouth-to-mouthwithitsnaturalprey,I'mjustabouttoaugerinwhen…"Chief?”"Nowwhat?!”"Gimmesumpintoreadwhileyou'refutzin'aroundbackthere'causeit'llprollytakeyouanhourtoblastoff.”"Uh,here'stheGideonBible—improveyourmindwhileI'mbehind.”"Notthat!"TheyawwaysleaveoutthebestpartslikeLot'sdaughtersan'Sodoman'Gomorrer.Getmesomecomic-books.”"Suchas?”"Youknow—TarzanoftheRapes,JackArmstrongtheUn-AmericanBoy,AliceinScorelandan'likeso.”

Sighing,IgetintomyclothesandamoutthedoorandhalfwaydownthehallwhenI'mperemptorilysummonedback."Bringmesomediff'runtkindsacandy-bars,too.Ireadbetteronnafullstummick.”"Anythingelse,0LordandMaster?"Isarcastic."IfIthinkofsumpin,youcangobackforit.”"Nowlook,honey-bunch,let'sgetonethingstraight.ImayeatyourassbutIain'ttakingnoshitfromyou!”Nahmigiggles."IjistwantedtoseehowfarIcouldgotoofar.NowhurryupwhileI'minthemood!”Istumbleoutanddownthestairs,fullyexpectingI'llhavetocombthissmalltownfortherequiredarticlesbutinthefarcornerofthelobbyisahugestandwitheverythingfromsoaptonutsandpresidedoverbyatadpoleofabout7whogivesmeabiggap-tooth'dsmileandhewouldbeidealforpredatorypurposesbuthe'sgotfire-engine-redhairwhichautomaticallywet-blanketshisappealtomylibido.Ipickupahandfulofassortedcandy-barsandambrowsingmidstthesmut-classicswhenelatedlyIperceivearounddozenoftherare,privately-printed,unexpurgatedissuesofBatmanandRobinwhichcameoutshortlybeforeBobbinsuedRatmanforcommittingadulterywiththeKipsBayBoys'Club.ItakemyselectionstothecounterwhereCarrot-Topitemisesthem,bagsthemandchirps:"That'llbe20buckseven-Steven'causeSteven'smymiddlename.”"Twentydollars?"Iwince."Seemsawf'llysteeptome.”"Thatincludesatipfermypiggy-bank,"thetotbeams."I'msavinuptogitmarried.”Sheese!Rip-offsgaloreinLousyAnna!Ipaytheslap-happyheteroandspeedbacktomyassignation—ifhe'sstillthere.Heis,blesshisballs!andmeltinglygrateful,eventoholdinghisass-cheeksapartasIplugintohim...0Ecstasy!Nahmifuckswithaflair,sohotandsweetandsleekandtightandin-drawingthatsoonIfeelasifmyglansisbatteringagainsthisdelicatesigmoidflexureashisexpandingeconomycontractsblissfullyaroundmyrampagingdick.Close-joinedasincestuousSiamese-twinsinheavenlyconnectionIknowImustadoptthisnonpareilbed-boy,officiallyorotherwise,forhispieceofassissoparamountthatI'mconvincedI'vegottwococks,eachpotentasstallionsand-Andsuddenlythedoorquailsunderamachine-gunrat-a-tattatknockthatcanonlycomefromthelocalGestapo."Police!Openuporwebreakdownthedoor!”Fuzzastrophe!IattempttopulloutofmyperfectpedicationsoNahmicanhideunderthebedwhileIacttheoutragedcitizenwhoseprivacyhasbeeninvadedbutI'mheldinsweetincriminatingstasis—theboy'srectalmuscleshaveclampedtightinpanicandmycockissostiffwithfrightthatitcanneitherejaculatenorwilt.I'mupshit-creekwithahard-on.

Size13bootsburstopenthedoorand2copsrushin—bothyoung,hard-faced,contemptuousandimpatient.Whileonebrandishesasearch-warrantandreadsmemyMirandarights,theotherbruisinglyprodsmewithhispistol."Getthehelloutathatkid!”"SohelpmeGod,officer—Ican't!I'mlockedintocircumstancesbeyondmycontrol.”"Sowe'lltakeyoubothin.Thekid'samaterialwitness,anyway.”"Nowwaitaminute!JustwhatamIbeingchargedwith?""YoutransportedapersonacrossaStateLineforsexualpurposes—violationoftheMannAct.”"Whatd'youmean—MannAct?!"Nahmishrieks,lividwithfury."I'maboy!”

53.CaptainKiddlet

Tom,Tom,ThePiper'sson,Stolemyheart

Andawayherun!RecentlyIreceivedaletterfromanon-fanaccusingmeofattemptingtopopularisethe'unspeakablecrime'ofboy-love.This,ofcourse,isaviciouscanardandnothingcouldberemoterfrommyintentforitwouldbeasdetrimentaltomysexuallifestyleas(inanothercontext)amiseradvertisingonTVthathekeptahoardofgreenbacksbeneathhismattress—robberswouldberife.Speakingofrobbers…HisbaptismalnameisThomas,he'sobsceneand13andhisdeardepartedDaddyusedtobehead-flutistwithK.Y.&theSunshineBandbutIcallthesweetdastardDodo—notbecausehe'sextinct(whichwouldn'tbeabadidea)butbecauseDough!Dough!asinbreadishisconsumingmotivationandconstantrefrain.Inhisgreedforillicitpelfhetriedtobecomeacat-burglarbuthisBusterBrownshoessqueakedsoloudthattheywokeeventhemostslumbroushouseholder.Dodoswitchedtosneakersbuttheytooweresonoisythatthepoorladwasforcedtofacethehumiliatingfactthatitwashisfeetwhosqueaked,nothisfootwear.Undaunted,hetriedhishandatthefive-fingerfreebieprofession,swipingeverythingthatwasn'tred-hotornaileddownbutthetroublewithDodoishiseyesaretoobigforhiscapabilitiesashedoesn'tjustwanttoshoplifteveryportablethinginsight—hewantstoliftthewholedamnshopontoaflatbedtruckandcartitaway,soofcoursehegotcaughtandwassenttoaCorrectionalInstitutionfromwhichheescapedbydonningadresssnitchedfromtheSuperintendent'sdaughterandundulatingoutthefrontdoor,wigglinghispaddedbottomandjigglinghisbouncingboobies(twoFloridaorangesstrategicallyplaced)whileunderhisbreathcursingthetransvestiteindignitieshehastoenduretopreserveLife,LibertyandthePursuitofFinanciness.IbecomeexposedtoDodothroughthediscourtesyofanotheritchy-crotch'durchinandthisishowthecontretempsoccurred-Onthelamowingtoabum-rapforrubbingaboy-masseurinTimesSquare(theauthoritieswereextremelysquiffyaboutmassagingaten-year-oldassholewithmyforty-year-oldshort-arm),IspentacoupleexileyearsinatownsomewherebetweenSuccasonna,NewJerseyandBoysie,IdahonorthofSinsinnati,OhiowhereIearlyfindamadcapimpwhoislikepeanut-brittleinthatthemoreyoueathimthemoreyouwantexceptthattoothsomePeanuthasmademyheartgrowevenfonderofhimduetohisinexplicableabsenceforthepastthreedays.(MostboyslittlerealizethehavoctheywreakinsuchblitheandheedlessunconcernforLoveeverisofalad'slifeathingapartwhereasit'shislover'swholeexistence.)SoI'mathomebythetelly-phonehopingtheprodigalsonnywillatanymomentshowuporatleastgivemearing,inthemeantimeimprovingmymindwithanelevatingtreatiseentitled:TomSwiftinaPeg-House.ThenIbecomeawareofalighttappingonmydoorasifmadebyawoodpeckerwithasorewoodenpecker.ExpectingPeanut,Irushtoopenupbutwhatswaggersinisapint-sizedunknownofabout12-pluswithanauraofwash-&-wearinnocenceandamannerallbreezytongue-in-cheekiness.

Thischaracterflopshimselfintomyjust-vacatedfavoriteeasy-chair,putshisfeetonthecoffee-table,cutshiscruelazuleyesinmydirectionashecastsmeawolfishgrinandsneers:"You'retheDukeofSuck,right?”Notingthattheunmannerlylittleturdstillhashismilk-teeth(presumptionofvirginity?!),Icautiouslyreply:"Iwouldn'tgosofarastosaythat!”Heflapsachildish,chubbyhand."Idon'tblameyouforkeepin'mumbutIwon'ttellnobodyifyouacknicetome.”Sensingsubtleextortioninthelimpidair,Ishould'vekickedthelittlecreepoutonhisassrightthenandtherebuthehasahighlypersuasivejenesaisquoiqualityabouthimthatgrabsmebetweenthethighssoItentative:"TowhomorwhatdoIowethedispleasureofyourcompany?”"Peanuttoldmeaboutyou.”"Peanut!Whathappenedtothatsweetie?!Ihaven'tseenhimfordays.”"Hegotbustedforstatuaryrape.”"Lawksamercy!Butyoumeanstatutoryrape,don'tyou?""Don'ttellmewhatImean!HegotfuzzedtrynahumpabroadinnaMuseum.”"Butthat'sstillstatutory—“"Thepigwasthatmarblecuntwithherarmsmissin'.""TheVenusdeMilo?”"Iguess.Anyways,Peanutknockedherdownwhichbrokeherlegsoff,too,an'hehadhiswhangoutan'wastrynapullthatstoneragoffherpussy.”Ileaptomyfeet."Imustgoseethepoorchild,gethimagoodlawyerand—”"Siddown,meat-head,thatkid'soffhisnut—dintyouevernotice?Peanut'ssopointy-headedthatifyouthrewhimatadart-boardhe'dstickthere.”"Iknow!ButontheSpringmaidhewasadisk-to-dawnorgy.""Man,yourorgy'sgonnabeintheclinktillhe's21soforgetthefucker!Igottapropositiontomaketoyou.”Ifeelmyselfactuallyblushing."Mygoodness,thelasttimealadproposedtomeitwasacaseofmistakenidentity—hethoughIwasatomboy.”"Thisain'teggzacklythatkindadeal.Uh,ain'tyougonnaspringforadrinkorsumpinyouain'tgotnomanners,maybe?”"I'msorry,young'un.Whatwouldyoulike—Coca-Cola?Seven-up?”

"Hellwiththathogwash!Setuptwobeersfortwoqueers.""Willyousettleforroot-beer?”"That'shorse-piss.Yougotlikecorn-whiskey?”"Oh,c'mon,baby-face—you'renotoldenoughtodrink.""Iwasdrinkin'fiveminutesafterIwasborn.”"Kiddy-boo,booby-milkisn'tbooze.”"ItisifyourMommy-poo'sanalcoholic.”"Whoosh!Well,I'vegotahalf-gallonofOldCundrumIreceivedformybirthdaybutIshouldwarnyouthatit's90-proof!""Soundsgood—evenifitfightsback.”Ibringoutthebottled-in-unbond,shot-glassesandsaltedgoobersinmemoryofthelatelamentedPeanut.MybrashvisitorpourswithprofessionaldexterityandaswequaffheregalesmewithhisvitalstatisticsuntilpresentlyIsay:"ThisisallbluddyinterestingbutIthoughyouweregoingtoproposetome.”"I'mcomin'tothat.PeanutsaidyoufoughtinWorldWarTwo.”"IfoughttostayoutofitbutIlostandendedupinOkinawa.""Wereyouscared?”"Sweetie,IwasscaredshitlesssoatleastIdidn'tdirtymybritches.”"Butyoudintrunaway?”"IfIdiditwasintherightdirection'causetheygavemeatinBronzeStarandhalfaPurpleHeart.”"ThasswhatIbeenlookin'for,"saysDodoashepoursusanotherslug."Aguywithguts.”"Igotplentygutsinbed!"Ileer,seducedbyhisgirlisheyelashesandboyishpants-cleavage."Wouldyoucareforafreedemonstration?”"Coolit,youol'goat—we'llmaybetalkaboutthatlater.”"Ihopeyou'renotoneofthoseflakylittlebastardswhogivesyouapromissory-noteandthenneverhonoursit!”"Youdorightbymean'I'lldorightbyyou."Heglancesabouttheroom,tut-tutting."Thisshittydumplooksasifyousurecouldusesomescratch.”Ibristlelikeaninsultedporcupine.True,myrentedcottageisramshackleanddog-sorrybutit'scleanandit'sHome."Nowlisten,yousawed-offyoungrunt,Iresent—“Theboywavesaplacatorypaw."Nooffence,sport—I'mbroker'naparalysedhoormyown

self.”"Honey-bunch,don'tlooknowbutyou'resittingonaprimeassetmorepreciousthanrubieddiamonds!”"Myhind-endcanbenegotiated—ifyoumeetmyterms.""Whicharewhat?"Igulp,feelingmypubic-hairsstiffen."Adollardownand$0.50aweek?”"Youshouldlivesolong!Sport,whaddayouthinkofbanks?”"YoumeanliketheWestBankoftheMississippi?It'sallwet.”"Don'tgoofaround,man—I'mserious.”"MercifulGod,don'ttalktomeaboutbanks!"Iwince."ThosefascistsforeclosedthemortgageonthefarmwhereIwasbornandraised,theyditto'dmygrandfather'sbustle-factoryandmygreat-uncle'shoopskirtshopbutifyouaskthemforameaslylittleloantheythrowrocksatyou!They'realwaystellingyou:'PatroniseYourFriendlyNeighbourhoodBank'.Yeah,sure!'DepositsWelcome,WithdrawalsDropDead'!”"Youain'tasstupidasyoulook!"Dodoapproves,pattingmyknee.Seizinghiswrist,Islobberkissesonthemoquette-sleekunderside."Ontheotherhand,"Ipant,"alwayspatroniseyourfriendlyneighbourhoodfag—depositswelcome,withdrawalsabhored!”"OK,I'llpatroniseyouforfiveBigOnes.”"How'saboutfiveLittleOnes?”"Themyoucanwipemycrappyasswith!"Alas,thekid'screedandscreedisnotthechicken-feedIoffer,forheyankshiswristawayfrommyfeverishlipsandreplenishesourglasses."Nowlook,sport,webothneedmoney,right?”"Boysgivememoltenwhitegoldformerepiecesofprintedpaper—sweetyoungfleshbarteredforatatter'dfinorsawbucksoIneverhaveenoughlonggreen,"Ibewail."Butthetroublewithmoneyisthatitalwayscoststoomuch.”"Iknowwherethere'soodlesofdoughjistbeggin'tobetook.”"Where,where?!”"Innabank,natcherly.”"SoIsupposeyou'regoingtoplayJesseJames'kid-brotherand—”"Whatelse?”

"Oh,wakeup!You'renotevenattheAgeofConsenttorobbanks!”"Itain'tthat,youklutz!It'sjistthatI'msofuckin'smallIcan'tbarelyseeoverthebank-teller'scounteran'I'mfiggerin'onsuingthisdamntownforbuildin'thesidewalkstooclosetomyass.”"Lovey-boo,thebestthingscomeinsmallpackages.”"Yah,likepoison.Anyways,sinceIamsoshortthasswhyIneedyoutohelpmegettheloot.”"GoodHeavens,doIlooklikethesortofpersonwho'dcommitacrime?!”"Shit,you'reawreadyacrim'nal'causeyousexitupwithboys.”"That'sheterostupidity,notmine—butthisWillieSuttonkickofyoursisout.”"Aw,c'mon,sport—beasport.I'maboyan'youlikemesoyoushouldgimmeahandan'we'llsplitthetake50-50.”"Sweetie,it'sjustnoton!I'dgetcaughtheistingapiggy-bankorswipingcandyfromasleepingbaby.”"Thass'causeyou'readum-duman'shouldn'tbeletoutalone.ButifyoudoeggzacklywhatItellyouwe'lllivericheverafter.”"No!Jeez,you'renuttierthantwoPeanuts!”"Relax,haveanotherdrink—you'refallin'behind.”"Anddon'ttrytogetmeplastered!It'snogo,drunkorsober.”Dollar-signsinhiseyes,theweebanditregardsmethoughtfullyashesuckson01'Cundrum."Sport,"hecoos,"didIevertellyouI'mavirgin?”MyunmentionablepartcomestosuddenAttention."Really?!"Idubious,mycycnicisminthisareabeingtheinevitableresultofexperience."Hones!!Iain'tevenjerkedofflately'causemydickan'myfisthaddalover's-spat.An'Iain'thadnothin'upmyassholebutanoralthermometeronctwhenIhadthemumps.”"Willyoushowmeyourvestalgoodies?”"Begladto,"Dodosmirks,"an'they'reallyoursifyouhelpmedoyou-know-what.”"I'mnotcommittingmyselftoanythingtillIseewhatyougot.Youprobablydon'thalfmeasureuptowhatPeanutcarriedaroundinhisbritches!”"I'mQuality,notQuantity—orareyouafriggin'size-freak?”

"No,baby-doll—retailcockshavestaying-powersointroduceme!”Slowlyasinastrip-tease,littleTom-titincheshispantsandshortsdownhishipstorevealthedelicaciesbeneath.SacreBlew!Ibeholdaslimsmoothpenispalpitantwithpuberty,tightforeskinintactandwhichtheboycarefully,wincinglyretractstodenudeasmegma-spicedscarletglanswaftingincensefromtheAltarofBoyness.Iblowmysteamingbreathontheswellingslick-shinyhead,intothetinyslituntilabubbleofcrystalelixirseepsfromit.SwooninglyIbendtolickitupbutDodo'sslyforefingergetstherefirst,sweepinguptheineffabledropandtransferringittohisstuck-outtongue."Um'm'm,good!"hetantalises,smackinghislips.Plainlythispenis'dCirceisversedinthewilesofcoquetrythatlurebucolicloutslikemeintoaLifeofCrimeforatonceI'mred-hottosipboy-sperm—butthefleetingPrickofConscienceisnotreflectedbetweenDodo'sthighsthoughI'mallPrayerandsupplicationforhisNaycockissity.RuthlesslyBillytheKidweansmefrommyhopeless-hopinglingam-yentothemoreimportantbusinessathand."Nowyougonnahelpme,sport?”"Cruel"Cruelteaser,I'veonlyseenpartofyourjuvenilePlayland.Perhapsyourbacksideissomethingtomakestrongmenfleefortheirlives!”Myoutlawguestgivesmeahitintheheadthatmakesmyearsring,thenhestandstopresenthisstern—andIfalltomykneesinadoration.It'severanascendantjoytoglimpsethefullmooninbroaddaylightbuthereI'mgazingintothefabledPromisedLandsoughtbyallboyeursbentoninner-directedbehavior.Myball'dsirencupshispinklyglowingyoungbunsinabriefauto-eroticcaress,thenpriesthemaparttounveilacurlicueofdelicatebeigeanal—membranethatgivesoffanelusivefragranceofhushedHolinessorsourgrapesforwhenIattempttoplungemyfacebetweenthewarmloaves,Dodoimpatientlytwistsaway."You'veseenan'smelledwhatIgotbutyouain'tgettin'atastetillyou—“MyheartasummerValentine,inmycupsandhiccupsIblurt:"OK!OK!I'llhelpyouandmayLaddyLuckbewithus!"Whatthehell,I'meverreadytogooutonalimbifthat'swherethejuiciestfruitresides."NowcanIsampleyourdeliciousprivacies?”"No!Nottillafterwegetthebread,safeandsound.”Safeandsoundinthelocalhoosegow,morelikely—butpresentlyavidtoravishsuchpuritanicallymercenaryprohibitions,Iplead:"It'scustomaryinmonkey-businesstransactionstogiveyourassociatealittlesomethingtobindthedeal.”"SoI'llgiveyoumyI.O.U.”"Oh,baby,please—forsweetcharity'ssake,ifnothingelse!Irealiseyou'retheMasterofyourPrickandtheCaptainofyourAssholebutwhat'sabitofsex-playamongthieves,sotospeak?Andrememberthatevenanunbrokencherryspoilsifyoukeepitaroundtoolong.”"Nope!Iknowyoukookyfags—onctyougetwhatyouwantit'sjist`Goombye,man,an'don't

slamthedoorasyouleave!'.”Wheredidthelittlewise-assacquiresuchwearisomelogic?Surelyitcouldonlyhavebeenfromhustling!"I'mnotlikethat!"Icry."Soturnyourdamnthermostatdownan'drinkup!"Theheartlessbandidobrimsmyglassthenpullsuphispants,fastensitsecurelyandplopshisverbotenbumbackintomyeasy-chair."NowpaystrickattentiontowhatI'mgonnatellyou'causeit'simportant!”"Yes,professor.”Thewretchedimpkicksmeintheshinbuthisfrayedsneakersoftenstheimpactofhishardyoungfoot."Sport,there'rethreebanksinthislousyburgan'Icased'emall.First,there'stheBar-dashJunctionSavingsan'Loan.”"What'sthis`BardashJunction'?Itsoundsfaintlyfamiliarbut—”"Thassthenameofthisheretownyou'relivin'in,youpoop-brain!”"MyGod,IthoughtthiswasGays'Mill,Wisconsin!”"ThassacrosttheMrs.Sippifromhere.Jesus,youmustabeenawhizatJographywhenyouwenttoschoolbackintheDarkAges!”"IdidOK,"Isayhuffily."IneverlearnedanythingbutIneverforgotanythingandImadeoutaceswithmyteacher!”DodoaimsanotherkickatmebutskilfullyIavoidit."Anyways,theSavingsan'Loanisadud'causethey'rejistbreakin'even—theyain'tgottafriggin'pennytospare.”"Heavensabove!Buthowdoyouknow?”'Causethebastardsadmitit!Rightonthelowerleft-handcorneroftheirfrontwindowthere'slittlebrasslettersan'figgerswhichsay:

Assets—$10,987,654.32Liabilities—$10,987,654.32

soknockin'overthatjoint'dbeliketrynagetmilkoutamytits!""Theperfidyoffinancialinstitutions—boastingthatthey'repracticallybankrupt!"Igroan."It'sincredible!”"Itdon'tsurprisemenone.Second,there'stheCodyCountyNationalwhich—“"Oh,no!Oh,no!Igot$10.66inthatbankandI'llbedamnedifI'mgoingtostealfrommyself!”"Don'tgetyourballsinnauproar.Thatplaceisoutanyhow'causeit'srightacrostfromtheP'lice-Stationan'it'sgotafeistyyoungguardwho'strigger-happy—ifyousaidBoo!tohim

he'dshootupthejoint,includin'himself.ThatleavestheMidwestTrust.”"H'm,Idon'ttrustTrusts—theynevertrustme!”"Idon'ttrustyoueitherbutMidwestisjisttheticket—apushover!Theygottaguardwho'sdamnnearasoldasyouan'needsspecssowedon'tneedtoworryabouthim.An'thepayroll-tellerisayoungcuntwho'snewonthejoban'lookslikeshe'sscaredofherownshadowsoherwe'llhit.”"Nowwaitaminute—don'tcountyourchickensbeforethey'reeveneggs!Whataboutcameras?I'mnotatallphotogenic,especiallyinlarcenouscircumstances.”"Buttonyourlipan'lissen!"Dodogrunts."This'sthesticks,notthebigcitysoMidwestain'tgotnocamerasoralarums'causetheythinkaguardisenoughan'thereain'tanybankeverbeenknocked-offinBardashJunction.Bestofall,Midwestcarriesthepayroll-moneyfortheonyfactoryintown.”"Howinhelldidasniplikeyoueverfindoutallthis?!”"'CauseI'msmart,see?!Igottobebuddy-buddywiththejanitorthere.HethinksI'msoinnarested'causeIwantaworkinnabankwhenIgrowup—Haw!Haw!”"H'm,doesthisbloodyjanitorgoforboys?”"Yes'nno.ThepoorguylostbothhisnutsinKoreasoIlethimsuckmyballs'causehe'sgotthiscrazyideathatmightmakehisowngrowbackinagainlikesecondteethorsumpin.”"Well,"Isigh,"thatsoundsaboutasreasonableaseverythingelseyou'vetoldmebutIcan'tjuststickanoteintheteller'sfacesaying:'Givemeallthemoney'!”"Youstickthisinherface!"andsuddenlythere'sanevil-lookingpistolstaringmebetweentheeyes."Dammit,Dodo,neverpointagunatsomeoneunlessyou'regoingtoshoothim!”"ThasswhatIaimtodo!Bang!You'redead!"Thelittledesperadopullsthetriggerandajetofwaterhitsmeinthefacetodribbledownmyshirt-front."Relax,sport,it'sonyawater-pistolIliberatedfromtheFive'nDimebutitlooksrealerthanreal,don'tit?”Itdoes.Tomalefactorsathingofbeautythoughatoyforeverandperfectforourpurpose—itwouldscarethelivingcrapoutofDillingerhimselfforithasaLugersnout,aMauserbreech,abuttbySmith&WatsonandaRoyRogersTrigger."Putitaway!"Ishudder."Ipreferthepopguninyourpants.”"Thatsquirtswater,too!"thekidsmirks."Nowwehitthebanktomorrowsharpat9A.M.whenitopens.”

"Buttomorrow'sFridaythethirteenth!”"It'salsopaydaysolotsaextraloot'llbeonhand—thefactoryonypayseveryotherweek.”"Well,let'sputitoffuntilthe27th.AccordingtothePederasts'Almanac,tomorrowisadaymenlikemeshouldgotobedwithagoodboy.”"No!We'llmakeoutOKifyoujistdon'tgetcoldfeetan'chicken-out."OhtheboundlessconfidenceofYouth!Defeatisnotawordintheirbrightlexicon.Inthemeantime,myfeetareblocksofice."Sport,youknowwhatI'mgonnadowhenwegetthebread?I'mgonnaspreaditalloutonthebedan'thenI'mgonnatakemyclothesoffan'rollaroundinitbare-ass!”"CanIrollaroundinitwithyou?!”"Sure—butIwannabeontop!Hey!HereI'mgonnamakeyourichbutyoudon'tevengimmenosupper!Thatain'tpolite!”Gushingapologies,Irushtothekitchenandpreparepork-chops,Frenchfries,GreekSalad,lemon-meringuepiefromtheSwedishbakery.Afterhe'sgorgedhimself,eventosnatchingsucculentbitsfrommyplate,theboyannouncesthathe'sdecidedtostayallnightsohecankeepaWarden-eyeonme—andmyheartleapstomythroat."Willyousleepwithme?"Iwheeze."Sure—ifyougottwinbedssowecansleeptogethersep'rate!”Thisbeau-&-errorCupidtakesdelightinweaponlesswoundingme—ordoeshewanttosavemefromanearoccasionofsin?Someboysaren'tmadeinadaybuttomorrow,withluck,Ishallwallowinhishooligancharmsone-on-one.Afterintentlywatchingandknowledgeablycriticisinga2-hourcrimedramaonTV,myurchinesqueMephistoyawnswidelyandroughlyknucklesmyhead."Timeforbeddy-bye,ol'Pops—gottabeupbrightan'earlyinthemornin',y'know!”"Yes,daddy!"Isimper—andgetathumpwhereithurtsthemost.TheboyheadsforthebathroombutIgrabhisarm."What'reyougoingtodo?”"Brushmyteethwithmyfingersan'takealeak.Why?""Thenatleastgivemeyourleak—toiletsneverappreciatesuchniceties.”"No!Ourdealisyou'llgeteverythingwithtrimmin'safter!""Jeez,you'reanotherLordByron—mad,bad,dangeroustoknowandyou'vegotaheartofstone!”"Thassme,sport!"hesnickersasheslamsandlocksthebathroom-door.Inmylonelytwin-bedImoroselyawaithisreturn.Pistolinfist,heappearsandcomestostand

besideme,smilingwithtendermalice."Openyourmouth,thirsty-boo—Igottanightcapforyou."HumoringthelittlebruteIgapewide,expectingaburstofnearscaldingtap-water.WhatIgetiscoldbynowandmetallic-tastingbutunmistakeablyit'sfizzyboy-peeandIgulpitthankfully."Ipissedinthewashbowlandsuckeditupinmysix-shooter,"Dodogiggles,"sodon'tsayInevergaveyounuthin'!”Evadingmygratefulembraceheshedshisoutergarments,tomydismayretaininghisundershirtandbasketball-styleshorts.True,hedoeshaveballsinabasketbutisnotthebodymorethanraiment?!Plummetingintobed,hesays:"Sport,willyourubmydogsalittle?Theyhurtlikehell!”Ileaptocomply,scentinganopening-wedgetomoreintimateareas.Hissmallslenderfeetareclean,dry,odorousofwhitewoolensocksandactiveboy—butasgentlyIchafethemtheunsettlingthoughtintrudesthatbusyhustlersoftenhavetenderfeetfromallthatstreetwalking!ThenIloseeventhismodestfleshlycontactbyattempttolickthetinypinknailsofmycrossandamsummarilykickedaway.Resentingthiscaricatureofconcupiscence,Iseizetheboy'sfloor-flungpantsandtonguethefragrantinner-seamofthefly,savoringtheacid-dropsweetnessofpubertalpenis-effusionswhileDodohootsmockingly.Igobacktobedtotossandturn,cursingthisso-neartemptermorevirtuousthanaground-glassvagina—he'sunnatural,he'sasinagainstmankind,he's...thenIbecomeawareoftheotherbedshaking,springssqueakingandtheboy'stensemurmuring:"Ooh,itfeelssogood...good...good...oh,WOW!"HurtlingacrosstheroomIswitchonthelight,bentonlappingupthefruitofthemerrymasturbator'shandiwork—butDodoisflatonhisback,innocenthandsbehindhishead,cockpeacefullyinsidehisshortswhosecrotchisdryastheSahara."Fooledyou!"thelittlebeastcrowswithanear-to-evilgrin."Nowgothefucktosleep,sport—wegottabusydaytomorrow!”TohaveahypnotickidlinginmyroombutnotinmyarmsisnotconducivetoslumberandIlieawakeuntilthecrackofdawnwhenIfallintoafitfuldoze—onlytoberudelyawakenedat7a.m.byfiendishMasterPitilesswhopainfullypinchesmypiss-hardpenisbeneaththetumbledsheetsandshouts:"Risean'shine,JesseJames!Breakfastintwominutes!”Thesweetfelon'sgothisheadtogether,I'llsaythatforhimasheproducesporksausagesdowntoaturn,delicatelycrispwafflesawashinbutterandhoney,piping-hotstrongcoffee."Whotaughtyoutocooksoscrumptious?"Ipraisethroughastuffedmouth."Mybelly,whoelse?!”Whileweeat,DodoplaysFaginJunioragainashegivesmefinalD-Dayinstructions."Now,sportlistengood!Thepayroll-windowisthelastonetowardtherearofthebankan'beyondthatisalittlehallleadin'totheback-door.”"Whichwillbeconvenientlyunlocked,Isuppose!”

"No,itwon't,butnexttoitisthemen's-room.Whenwegetthelootwerunintherean'outthewindow—ithasbarsonitbutIloosened'emsothey'llfalloutwithahardshove.”"Howintheworlddidyoumanagethat?!”"Iconnedthejanitor—he'sanothercement-headlikeyou.Outsidethewindowisanalleythatendsinafreeparking-lotwherethere'llbelotsacarswecanhidebehindifanyone'schasin'us.”"Marvelous!"Iadmire."Youmakeitsoundlikewejustmightgetawaywiththismadness.”"Wewillifyoudon'tallofasuddengetshitinyourblood."Digginginapocket,Dodoextractstwoyard-longpiecesofcordwhichheproceedstobindtightlyaroundhispants-bottomsattheankles."What'sthatinaidof?"Iquery."You'llfindoutwhenthetimecomes."Hecocksaneyeatthekitchenclock."Almostzero-hour,sport!Ifyougotdarkspecsan'awide-brimmedhat,put'emonfordisguise.”IhaveandIdo.Inspectingmecritically,mymentorincriminologyapprovesthesmokedglassesbutpullsthehat-brimdowntomyeyebrows.Dashingtothebathroom,hereturnstohandmetwosmallballsofcotton."Stufftheseinyourcheeks,daddums—it'llmakeyouruglymuglookfatter.”"Aren'tyougoingtowearanydisguise?"Imumble,cotton-mouth'd."Nobodyeverlooksrealcloseataboyunlesshe'sachicken-hawk,"Dodoshrugs,"an'you'retheonlyhawkintown,far'sIknow.”"Howmuchmoneydoyouthinkwe'llget—ifwegetit?"YoungRobbin'Hoodpurseshislips,narrowshiseyes."Ifiggeranywherefrom40to50grand.”"Oh,God!"Isigh,tryingtovisualizehowmanystrippablestriplingsevenhalfthatsumwillbuy!NowDodobringsouthiswater-pistolwhichIcarefullystowinmypants-pocketandwesetouttowalkacrookedmile—actuallyamileandahalfasthecrowflies.Beautifulday—cool,summer-fragrant,sweetbird-songfromallaround.Willitbemylastdayoffreedomorofevendrawingbreath?MycharacteriseverswayedbyrecklesslittlemalesandCharacterisDestiny,thesagessay—sowhatwillbemyFate?Mydarkforebodingisscarcelylightenedaswepassadead-endstreetonthecornerofwhichisasomberedificedrapedinblackcrepeandsurmountedbyahugesignwhichsepulchrallyannouncesinebonscript:

SIXFEE-DUNDERFUNERALHOMEASKABOUTOURLAY-AWAYPLAN

PAYNOWANDDIENEVER!Overthefront-doorofthemortuaryGothiclettersmortallyremind:

AbandonallHopeYewhoenterHere!

HastilyIavertmyeyesfromthisobsceneepitaphwhichItrustdoesnotrefertotheportalsofourdestination,thenfurtivelypeerovermyshoulder.Alwayslookback—what'sfollowingyoumightbeaBadge-r!Somesecondslatermyspiritsliftconsiderablywheninastore-windowIdescryaboy-manikinfetchinglyattiredinablueEton-jacketandskin-tightcream-color'dpants.Howmuchisthatladdieinthewindow?!He'dbelovelytoliewithwhenliveloveswerelackingandInudgemycompanion."Ballsy-boo,seethatkidinthewindow?Iswearhecouldbeyourtwin-brother!”Dodolooks—andspitscontemptuously."Yeah—buthasthatfriggin'dummygotacockan'aasshole?!”"Is'posenot,"Isaydejectedly."ArtnevertotallycopiesNature."Seizedwithsuddenrut,Icry:"Oh,heart-sweet,Ican'twaittillwegethomeandvaryallthisthuggerywithalittlebuggery!”"Easy,youol'fart!Nevercountyourchickenbeforehe'shatchedanest-egg...an'takeyourhandoffmybum!”Jesus,what'sthematterwithkidsthesedays?Thelittlepricksdon'tcooperateliketheyusedto.MaybetheyeattoomuchmeatbutpersonallyIsuspectadeepdarkplottogrindallusharmlessboy-loversundertheirheedlessheels.Arouseandbeware—thejuvenileHunsareuponus!AswenearthecenteroftownIbecomeconsciousofdampnessintheregionofmygroinandlookingdown,Iseealargewetspotinaconspicuousandembarrassingarea."Dodo,"Iwhisperagitatedly,"didyoufillthatconfoundedwater-pistolofyours?!”"'CourseIdid.”"Withyourpee?”"Sure—soifyougotthirstyyoucouldshootyourself.""Dammit,yourpissisleakinginmypantsand...”"Thatgundon'tleak!"theboygrates."You'rewettin'yourownself'causeyou'resoyellow-belly!”Icouldarguethepointbutwe'vearrivedattheMidwestTrustwhichisagrotesquecopyoftheParthenoninpinkstuccoandplasticbrick,andwearethefirstcustomerstoenterastheguardunlocksthefrontdoor.Insidewetraverseafake-marblefloorintowhichissetablown-upreplicaofa$10,000bill—Mr.Chase,SalmonP'sforbiddingvisagegloweringupatusthoughwhyanyonewouldwanttochasesalmonpeeisbeyondme.

Dododiscreetlyeffacinghimselfbehindme,wecometothepayrollwindowwherethefirstthingInoticeisaplateattachedtothegrilleandindicatingtheteller'sname—oneMissKerridge.ThenIseethetellerherselfandit'snowonderthepoorgirllooksupsetasapregnantrabbitbesetbyraveningwolvesforwhowouldn'tbehighlydisturbedwhenyou'resaddledwithanamelikethat?!"Mydear,"Isay,covertlyrevealingthepistol,"praydonotbealarmed—thisweaponisquiteharmlessbutIaminsoreneedofallyourmoneysothatImayconsummateanAffairoftheHeart,youunderstand."Unfortunatelyorluckily,nervouslyIinadvertentlypressthetriggerslightlyandafewdropsofamberfluidareexpelledontothewhiteFormicacounter-topwhichinstantlyturnsadark-brown,wispsofsmokearisingfromthesplotch.Saintspreserveus!DoesDodo'spee-peeturnintodeadlyvitriolonFridaytheThirteenth?!"Don'tshoot!I'llgiveyouthemoney!"quaversMissKerridge,turningevenpalerthanthewhitesofhereyes."Here!Take,take!"andshestartsshovingpacketsofbanknotesatmewhichIspeedilytransfertomyaccomplicewhogleefullystuffsthemdowninsidethewaistbandofhispants,distributingthebundlesevenlyabouthisnetherlimbssonotell-talebulgebetrays—thecordstiedabouthispants-bottomspreventinganyofthelovelycashfromleakingout.GoodGod!Thekid'sageniusatnefarioustricks!Markmywords—he'llgofar!JustasMissKisbringingoutthelastwadofcurrencythefrontdoorbangsopenandfourstocking-maskedmenburstin,wavingsawed-offshotguns."Thisisastick-up!"theleadershouts."Everybodyfreeze!”Thegirlcollapsesinadead-faint.IfeellikejoiningherbutshieldinglittleDodofromviewwithmyquakingcorpus,Igrabthefinalstackoflusciouslucreandthrustitintohiseagerpaws."Takethemoneyandrun!"Ihiss.P.S.He'sstillrunning.

54.IncestisBoring,RelativelySpeaking

JackandJillwentupthehillTofetchapailofwaterJillgotknocked-upand

JackBlameditonthepail.Letallgoodmencometotheaidofthemselvesandponderthisancientandeternaltruism.FemaleHecateguardsthegatesofHadesbutmaleCupidon(Cupid'skidbrother)standssentinelatHeaven'sportal.Thewisemanwillheedtheveryobvious`handwritingonthewall'hereandwillsedulouslyfollowtheeminentlysapientsexual-signpostdisplayed:CUPIDONISPARADISE,HECATEISHELL.RecentlyIgotcarriedawaybyjuvenilescholasticsurroundingsandthearousingscentoflittlemalebodiesenmasseandwascaughtbyaman-teachergoingdownonapanting12erinatoilet-boothofthelocalBoys'JuniorHigh.Teacherbeinga250pound-six-footer,hesubduedmeovertothenearestpolice-stationbutwhenIcameupbeforetheJudgeorMagestrateorwhatever,heturnedouttobeaJusticeofthepeacewhowaseitherdrunk,dementedoraboy-addicthimselfforhedismissedthecasebecauseI'dswallowedtheevidence.ThiswasinFloridaandthenextdayAnitaOrangehittheMiamifanlikeyou-knowwhatsoIflednorthandwesttoatownCorset-Cover,Kansas(accordingtomyzanyAtlas)whereI'dheardthekidsshootfirstandaskquestionsafterwards.Irentanapartmentsominithatyoucan'tevenswingakitteninit,muchlessacat,andthengoontheprowlbutIseenaryalikelylad,quick-triggeredorslow,soIconsultthephone-bookfortheRent-a-BoyServicewhichboastsithasbranchesallovertheUnitedStates—buttheydon'tgotonehere.ThenInotealistingforSaveOurChildrenSocietyandsweatlyIcallthemup,inquiring:"Canyousavemeaniceboy-child,blondandpreteenfortonight,8PM"Butmygoodness!,thereplyIgot—andfromaladylike-soundingfemaleatthat—would'vescorchedtheballsofabrassmonkey!Still,thisBible-BeltMidgetmetropolisseemstobeverysexuallyawareforwhenIstrollthroughasmallparkonthewayhomeIseesignsallovertheplacethatreadlycaution:LITTERING&SCREWINGPROHIBITED!ordoesthatrefertofour-footedfornicators?I'mjustunlockingmydoorwhenfromoutoftheshadowsoftheunlithalltherematerializesalittlepersonageofperhaps11onhisnextorlastbirthdayandwholookslikearandyyoungplow-boyfreshfromthefarmwho'seagertosowhisvirginwildoatsordryorgasmsinmymouth.He'scladinwhitesandals,redtank-topandtightbluecutoffswhichinbacknicelydelineatethelovelyroundsofhislittleporte-cochereandinfrontoutlinethepirkypresenceofajujubecockwhichsurelywouldbeesctasy,retainingitsinimitableflavortotheverylast.Inabreathlessrush,thekidstammershalf-shylythathesawmemoveinthismorningandhe'scalledZipasinZipper,helivesacrossthehall,hisDadistheSuperinthisplaceanddoIlivealone?

"Yes,Ido!"Irespond,sensingasituationfraudwithdelightfulpossibilities."Comeinandpartakeofsomefresh-strawberrypieandice-coldmilk,"Iinvite,hopingthatlaterwiththeapplicationofabitofmoolaIjustmightgetamoreimtimatebox-lunchfrombetweentheboy'sbumptiousbuns—thoughofcoursemandoesnotlivebybreadedassalone.SweetZippo(helightsmyfire!)gobblesdownmycomestibles,thanksmekindlyandthenaskstoseemybedroom.Goodgracious!can'tthishot-pantscutieevenwaitforit?AllagogIescorthimtomysleeping-chamberandheexclaims:"Good-oh!Yougottad-doublebed!”"Wouldyouliketotryitout?"Iseduct."ThemattressisnoBeauty-restbutit'swunnerfulbouncy.”Aslightblushstainsthestainlesssamiteoftheyoungester'scheeksandhestutters:"Well,uh,youseeit'slikethis—I'mrealg-goneonsomebodybutmyfolks'reawfuloldfashionedsowecanhardlyeverg-gettogether,speciallyinaniceprivatep-placelikethis.SoIfiguredmaybeyou'dlendusyourb-bedforanhourortwonowandthen.Youcouldwatchushavef-funifyouwantto...andlikethat.”"Why,surely!"Icry,movedbyZip'sevidentinfatuationforhisbestbuddy?hisbosom-pal?!'Thankgodforlittleboysandtheirpuppy-lovecrimespassionelwiththeirmaleagepeersparticularlysinceladdiesinsuchsensesareusuallyapttobeverysexuallygeneroustotheluckymanwhoprovidesasecurecomfortablehavenfortheiraphrodisiacanticsandeventuallyyoucanenjoyalltheirjuvenilecharmsyourself—ifyouplayyourtongueright.Zipthanksmeeffusively,shakesmyhandandpeel-mellsoffbeforeIhaveachancetousemytried-and-truezip-codemethodtogetintohispants—ifonlyjustbrieflytoviewhowhe'soutfitted.ButwhenheandhislittlefriendshowuptovoluptuousmysheetsI'mconfidentIcangetapieceoftheaction.InthreeminutesflattheSuperintendent'ssonisback—wiyhagirl!"Hi!"hesaysbreezily,"meetmys-sister,Citronella."AghastIstareather—acutesy-pukesydirndl'dobjectmaybeayearolderthanherbrotherandthetypeofmachofacewhoendsupinWho'sZoo."CallmeNolla"sherasps,givingmeanEve-illlookthatseemstoimplysheknowsallaboutmyaffectionalpreferenceifnotmyelectiveaffinity."MotherofGod!"Iwail,"areyoutwoballingeachother?!JustwaituntilAnitaBryanthearsaboutthis—that'stoomuchAllinthefamilyand—!”"Whyso?"interruptsgremlinSis."TheancientPharaohsdiditallthetime,withbellson.”"Suretheydid—withtheresultthatpoorKingTutdiedat19andCleopatrawenttobedwithanasp!”"Igotyoupegged,youfreak!"Nellasneers."You'requeerforboys!Doyougivegoodhead?”"Notforyou,Idon't!"Ishudder.

"Well,youkeepyourfilthyhandsoffZip—he'smineanddon'tyouforgetit!”Iturntomodest,self-effacingLittleBrother,huddledinachair."Zippo,don'tyouknowyoumightgetyoursisterpregnant?Beingwhatsheis,she'dprobablygivebirthtoatwo-headedMongolianidiotandthenyourasswouldreallybeinthesling!”"Baby-brotheristenandmilklessasaretardedheifer,"scoffsSiscontemptuously."BesidesI'monthepill."Sheguffawsraucously."Youwantaknowwhyhe'scalledZip?It's'causehemadeazip-guntoshootratsinthecellarwithbutthefirsttimehefireditheshotthenailoffhisleftbigtoe!”"Aw,"mumblesZippo,blushing,"youd-didn'thaftatellhimthat.”MyheartgoesouttothevulnerableboyandIglareathistactlesssiblingwhoscowlsbackdefiantly.Soit'stheBattleoftheSexes,isit?Well,sweetZipperisworthfightingforandIenterthefraywithzest."Zippo,"Isayshyly,"you'refartooyoungtofoolaroundwithfemalesbecauseaboy-cockwhohangsoutinCuntsvilleissuretocometogrief,onewayoranother.LadsshouldstayawayfromPandora'sBoxuntilthey'reoldenoughtoknowallthehazards,eveniftheycan'tcopewiththem.Believeme,girlsareneverwhatthey'recracked-uptobeand,infactIonceknewalovely13erstudwhowasahoarhoundforgirlsandpursuedfornicationwithdedicationbutnowhe'sgoingsteadyonlywithPennySillin—atherapeuticlassifyou'renotmortallyallergictoherchemicalembraces.”PoorZiplookedconfusedandshuffleshisfeetbuthorrendousNella,thevixenfox,shrills:"You'rejustanothersicksamesexbastardwho'sgreenwithclitoris-envy'causeyouknowdamnwellfemalesaretheessentialsexforwebasicallyaresuperior,livelonger,havemoreerogenouszonesandanunlimitedcapacityfororgasms!”"That'sbecauseMotherNaturerulestheworld,"Igroan."Thesexesarenotequalandneverwillbeuntilallhumanbeingsbecomemorfyditesyetfemalechauvinistsareeveragitatingforequalrights.”"Andwe'vejustbeguntofight!"menacesSis,lookingdaggersatmeandLittleBrother.IignoreherandaddressZip."Boy-loverslikemyselffleethesmotheringwombbutheterosaretryingtoclimbbackintoittrickedbyanillusionthatneverceasestomockthem.”"That'sfagpropaganda!"Nellasnarls."Isit?Zippo,areyourparentshappytogether?”Theboylooksdown,mutters:"Theyfightlikecatanddog.”"'Twaseverthus!Femalesarethedeadliersex—passiveyetdevouring,eternallymanipulatingyoutotheirownselfishpurpose.”"Don'tlistentohim,Zip"!Nellacries."He'sjusttryingtogetyouforhimself!”

"Areyou?"kid-brotherasks,regardingmewarily."Iwouldlikeyoutogivemeatrial-run,"Isayearnestly,"foryoumightfindthegrassgreenerontheothersideofthesexualbaricadesandfrankly,sweetZippo,Ithinkyourgargoylesisterisrippingyouoffbedwise.”"LikeHow?”"LikeI'mconvincedshe'susingyouformoreherpleasurethanforyourown.Forinstance,doesshesuckyourcockhardsoyoucanmounther?”"Noshedon't—andshegetsont-top!”"JustasIsuspected!"Iwince."Butyousuckhertwat,right?”"Shewantsalottaf-foreplay,"muttersZip,reddening."Doyoulikeit?”"No,Idon't!Herholesmellslikes-sourmilkandsometimesIgethaircaughtinmyt-teeth.”"Andabadtasteandfoulbreath.Well,Iwouldbeoverjoyedtoentertainyourlittlepeniswithinmylipsandprovetoyouthatgettingblowedisfarmoreecstaticthanfuckingbecausethemouthhasablissfulticklercalledthetongue,yousee.”"I'mnocreepycocksuckerlikeyou!"spitsNella,kickingatmewithherpointysexistslippers."Toorightyou'renot!"Ispitback."Youmakeyourpoorlittlebrotherdoallthedirtyworkwhileyouliebackandcountyourbloodyorgasms!”"Andthey'rereallybloody,s-sometimes!"Zipshudders,makingaface."That'swhatyougetforchewingtheragwithSis,"Isay,"butIwouldneversubjectyoutosuchstinkyindignities.”"You'dliketogetintome,too!"Nellataunts,"butyoudon'thavethegutstoaskforit.”"Myundeargirl,isn'titapityyourmotherneverhadanydaughters!Andforyourinformation,I'mnotthetypethatlikesamolethatcanrootinanytunnel.Mypenismovesonlyinthemostrefinedcirclesandfemalesdon'tpossessthem.”"Hewantstofuckyou,Zip!Sisguffaws."Hewantstoshovehisbigolddickupyourlittlepinkass!”"That'smorethanyoucando!"Isay,tartly."Butdon'tworry,littleZipper—Iwouldneverdoanythingwithoutyourwholeheartedpermissionandcooperation.”

"Zip,ifyoulethimmessaroundwithyouthenyou'rejustasqueerasheis!"Nellahollers."Don'tyoubelieveit,littlebrother!"Iputin."Therearedozensofverymasculinekidswholovetoplayaroundwiththeirownsex.Yousee,onlymencanfullyappreciateayoungboyforonlymenwereonceboysthemselvesandtherbyknowhowbesttopleasurethemaleinbody,mindandspirit.Besidesitstandstoreasonthatcockisbetterthancuntbecauseonlytwococksarecapableoftotalsex-playwitheachother.Hell,femalescan'tevenuseastall-urinal...atleastnotwithstanding!”Seekingtoextraditetheboycompletelyfromthetoilsofhisvampiresister,Itakehishandandwhisperintohiseartheineffabledelightsofmyfanglessfellation,agile-tonguedAnnieLinctus(norelationtothatwhoreCunnieLinctus),andexcitingWaterSportsbetweendrysheets.SweetZiperstareswide-eyedatme,thensqueezesmyhandandsaystohissibling:"Citronella,whydon'tyourunalonghome.I'mgonnastayherew-withDukeaspell.”Breathingfire,Nellareachesunderherskirtandyanksoutazip-gun,aimsitbetweenmyeyes."Youkeepawayfrommybrother!"sheshrieks."GotakeawalkandleaveusaloneorI'llblowyourbrainsout!”TrulyHellhathnofurylikeafemalefearfulofloosingapracticallynon-collapsiblepieceofpre-pubertalboy-meat.Istareattheuglysnoutoftheweapon,momentarilytransfixedasababyrabbiteye-to-eyewithahungrycobraandwonderingifallthistimehorrificBigSisterhadherbrother'sgathiddeninherhorrendousgash—andthenZipnudgesmythigh."Thegunwon'tshoot,"thecleverladssays,"'causeItookoutthef-firingpin.”Infuriated,Nellasqueezesthetriggerthreetimesinvainthenhurlsthepistolatmyhead.Idodgeitanditshattersacupid-wreathedmirroronthewall.Sevenyears'BadLuckbutforwhom?"Soit'stobeTotalWar,isit?"Isaytothesputteringyoungharridan."OK,letthebestmanwin!Zippo,it'shightimeyoulearnedsomeFactsaboutFemales—especiallysinceyou'vebeentrickedintodiningonhair-pie.Know,then,thattwatsofallagessufferfromvaginitisandwhichcaninfectyoubycontactwithpenisormouth.”"That'safoulmalechauvinistlie!"Nellabarks,whettingherlongpointyfingernailsagainstherchair-arm."It'sfoul,indeed!Now,therearethreecommoncausesofthisskunkydisorder.First,there'scandidaalbicans,afunguswhichproducesathickwhitedischargeresemblingrancidcottage-cheeseandhasastaleyeastyodor.Itcausesintenseirritationwhichrendersintercourseextremelypainful.Areyoulistening,sweetZipper?”"Yeah,Duke—I'mallears!”"Heedandbeware!Thesecondmalefactoristrichomonasvaginalis,ayoungprotozoanwhich

producesaprofuse,foamy,greenish-white,foul-smellingemissionthatitchesandburnsandwhichcanresultinaurinary-tractinfecton.Areyoulistening,noxiousNella?”"IhearabigwindblowingbutIdon'tpayitnomind.”"There'dbelessair-pollutionifyoudid.Thethirdvillainishaemophilusvaginalis,abacteriumwhichproducesacreamy-whiteorgrayishbad-smellingdischargethat—”Paleandshaken,Zipraisesatremblinghand."Ican'ts-standtohearnomore,Duke,butthanksforwisingmeup!"Hedartsawincingglanceathissister."Gohome,Citronella—youstink!”Nellaofthesofair,sogentlesexgivesusasuperiorsmileasfalseasDelilah'swhenshetrickedSamsonintothebarber-shopandrasps"Zip,yougetyourlittleassintothebedroomandyou,Mr.DeepThroat,yougofixmeaham-and-Swissonryeandapotoftea.Nowsnap-shit,bothofyou!"Andifwedon't?"Ibristle,hacklesrising."Ifyoudon't,I'llripmydressandholler'RAPE!'soloudthewholetownwillcomea-running—andI'llsayyoudidit,MrSexFiend,whilemybastardkid-brotherheldmedown!”IlookatpoorZipper,helooksatpoorme,poorwesighandhecreepstowardthebedroomasIcreeptowardsthekitchen,mytailbetweenmylegslikeapuppy-dogwho'sbeennaughtybehindtheaspidistra.Undeniably,we'velostthebattle—butwhodoyouthinkwillwintheWar?!

55.ThePenisMightierthantheSword

ThegladdestwordsofthetongueorpenArethese—'Ilikeoldmen!’

June2:I'vegottenalittlebehindinmylove-life(hewasniceinfront,too!),aweefancy-piecesprigfromtheForbiddenFruittreewithpassioninhisstepandperversioninhispants,irrestibleasanakedchoirboytotingarainbowpotofgoldandeveryday/nightsinceFebruaryIknewhiminsideandoutandhewasalovablegood-for-nothingwhocouldbebad-for-five-bucksbutthismorningIawaketofindhimgone,anotepinnedtohispillowwhichsaid:7loveyou,Pops,butyoujustain'tgotenoughmoney.Haveagoodday.Dinty.'Myheartleaps,helovesme!butevenasIreadtherarewelcomewordstheyfadefrommysight—Dinty,thesweetshit,haswrittenhisfarewellnoteindisappearingink!June3:WhenyoulosealovelyladthepracticalthingtodoisspeedilyfindareplacementtohelpassuageyourgriefandthoughIhadnotsoearlysoughttogowhereErosis,EroscametomeontheIRT,improbableScoreland.Ispyhimstandinginacornerofthecrowedsubway-carandthefirstsightofhimshredshard-onholesinmymale-ordershorts:withtimeoffforgoodbehaviorinhisMummy'swombI'dsayhewasabout11,tumbleofdark-brownlockso'erhead,piquantfaceinformedwithclassicbeauty,polychromeeyes,tinydimplesbracketinghissulkymouth,complexionthetransulcentsheenoffineivorychina—apedestal-puerworthyofworshipwhooddlywearsanarrowleather`dog-collar'aroundtheCorinthiancolumnofhisshaplyneck.Myeyesdescendtobeholdtinyerectnipplesthrustingagainsthiswhite-on-whiteT-shirt,BlueBoycut-offsclosetightasatattoooutlininginexcitingbas-reliefhisburgeoningyoungpenis.BemusedwithbeatitudesofsweetprivitiesconcealedbeneathdenyingdenimIcatchhiseye,winkathim.Haughtilyheglaresatme,hisbottomlipcurls,hedry-spits—thenhewinksbackatme!Ah,he'soneofthoseineffablecharmerswhoblowshotandandcoldatthesametime,delightfullymalaproposkidswhoareseedsoftheDragon,bornofLilithandwithahatredofLavenderbutanoverpoweringLustforLust.They'retheverybestestbutusuallydamneddifficulttobed.Onecanbuttry.ThetrainstopsatTimeSquareandahordeofpeoplepushin,undercoverofwhichIinchovertotheboy,gettotherearwardofhim,observethathe'sgottheapparently,apparelledlyhumpiesthind-endsinceCupid'sbottomgotprongedbyoneofhisownboomerangingarrows.Scrootchingdownalittle,Iplastermyselfagainsttheyoungstranger'sbackside,hisbunsaperfectconvexfitintomygluttonousgroinasmyrighthandsneaksroundhimtocuddletheconjurorcockwhichperceptiblyharderhardens,lenghtens,swellsundermygentlestroking,squeezing—andthelittleimpholdsunstillystillforitashebuttshishotbunshardagainstmyfranticfrontpiecethenthrustshiscrotchdeeperintomyagitantfinger,love-sickexplorersinhisLevi'dpassion-pitandI'mjustclimbingontotherampageousroller-coasterofapproachingclimaxwhenthetrainstopsatChambersStreetandmysobriefly-snaredprizedpreysuddenlybreaksfreefrommyardentembraceanddartsoutthedoor,IfollowinghimlikeMary'slittle

lambadorantofaboy'dSt.PeterI'veyettosee,catchupwithhimatthefootstairs,putahandonhisshoulder.Heturns,snarlinglikeacorner'dwildkitty."DoIknowyou?!"thelittlehard-assspits,snooty-like."No,butIknowthelovelycontoursofyourprickandyourpottiewhichwereseductivesamplessonowI'dadmiretoseethemerchandiseunwrapped.”"BugOff,fuck-face,orI'llcallacop.”"Baby,I'veanideathatyoudon'tappreciatefuzzanymorethanIdosolet'sbefriends.Uh,whydoyouwearthatdog-collar?”"CauseI'madog—Bow-wow!—anmybite'sworse'nmybark!”"Whydoyouthinkyou'reacanine,forgoodness'sakes!”"'CausemyMummysaysI'masonofabitch—andsheoughtaknow!Lookcunt-lips,ifyou'retrynatomakeoutwithme,forgetit!I'mapiece-workerinthetradean'youain'tthepieceI'mlookin'for.”IsuspectedhewasaPageinthePeckerParadeofTimesSquareorpurlieus,probablyvotedHustleroftheYearbytheJuniorChamberofCarnalCommerceandbearsthefingerprintsofseveralhundredhot-handedcustomersalloverhisepidermis,besideswhichhe'sanacidulouslittlecitizenwithahighthresholdofnegationandthoughIwanthimlikepeopleinHellwantice-water,Idecidetoplayitverycool,detachedandindifferent.Handinghimacardwithmyaddress,Isay:"Here,passthisontooneofyourlittlefuck-matesinPlayland—I'llgiveyouacommissiononeveryacceptableitemyousendover.”Contemptouslytheboywipeshiscut-off'dasswithmycardbuthedoesn'tthrowitawayashefliesupthestairs,mockinglaughtertrailingbehindhim.June4thru7:Noboys.IprowltheWestSideBusTerminal,42ndStreetfrom6thto8thAvenuesplusenvironsbutseenothingthathonestheboyismesensesintoillegaldesire,beholdnaughtoftheengagingUnknown,L'Inconnu,MasterTerraIncognitaandhisDivineAfflatusthoughvividlyIrememberhim—thefeelofhisslimyoungbodypressedagainstmine,thesexyscentofhiswantoncurls,anoddbutarousingblendoftar-soap,toastedcatnipandthespicyfragranceofnubileyoungball-bearing.God!Idon'tevenknowhisnameyetnowIlongforhimmorethanwhenIfirstglimpsedhim.Shit,I'dgetdrunkbutIdon'tevenhavethewherewithalforapintofbowerysauterne.June8:AheterofriendgivesmeademijohnofWarsawbrandyhesayswasmadebynakedPolishorphanboyswhowiththeirlittlefeettrampledoutthevintagewherethegrapesofblissarestored.Itakeasipandamassailedwitha30-secondamnesia-gapfollowedbyafloatingsensationofcompleteeuphoria.H'm,thosekiddiesmust'vepeedintothemashasitsquoojedbetweentheirtoesies—primestuffandI'vealwayslikedPolishboysfortheirhighpolish.IputtheboozeawayuntilIcanshareitwithasmallcompanioninneedofseduction,thenheadfor

mymonasticbedtotingTheSixty-NinePositionsofBoy-Love(actuallythereareonlyamere671/4)whenIhearafumblingandagrumblingandatumblingatmyfrontdoor.Iopenupandthereheis—mydog-collarcutesomeclingingtothedoorjambandgrinningwoozilyatme."Hi,boss!"hemumbles."Youtol'metosendoveranasseptableitemsoIsentmyself.DoIgetacomm...commitch...whatyousaid?”"Areyousureyou'reasseptablenow?"Iquerydoubtfully."Thasswhatthehole'sfor,ain'tit?"Hestepsintotheroomandpromptlyfallsflatonhisface,bouncingalittle;Ileaptohelphimup,brushhimoffbuthebitesmyear."Thanks,bwana—didjaknowyougotlumpsinyourfloor?!”"Yougetlumpsonyourhead,puppy-boo!What'reyouhighon—Mother'sRuin?"Hereeksoftoastedcatnipwithstrongundertonesoftar-soap,buthisbreathsmellsonlyofSpringtimeintheRockies."Naw!It'sjistIbeensuckin'alittletoomuchonMaryJane.Jeez,Ireallylovethatpigbutshekeepsjackin'upherpriceever'time!”"YousuckMaryJane?!"Isay,appalled."Sure!Iinhaleherfromeitherend,blowheroutamymouthandnosean'shesendsmerightuptherethumbin'mycockatthemanintheMoon!”Goddlemighty!Thesweetgoofuslikesgirlsandmuff-divesthembackandfrontforbadmeasure!I'llhavetoremembernottokisshimonthemouth."Loonylittlelap-dog,"Igrump,"Idon'tapproveofboysgoingdownongirls—it'sanunhygienicandhumiliatingposturethatundignifiesthemasculineimage!”"Who'stawkin'aboutgirls!MaybeyoudoanknowMaryJaneisMariaJuana,theSpikgrass-goddess.”Thatexplainshisbraised-catnipsmellbutI'malarmedanew."Idon'tlikeyousmokingthatcrap,"Igrit."It'sprobablyloadedwithpoisonousparaquat!”"Thassonyontheshitfrom0l'Mehecco.MystuffisstricklyAmerican-speshulfromPoughkeepsie.”"PotfromPoughkeepsie?"Idubious."That'sasunlikelyasSaintsfromSodomandGomorrah.”"Theygrowitinabigol'greenhousethere'causeitpaysmorethanorchids.”Suddenlythekidsagsagainstme,clutchingmythighsforsupportandinstantlymymaverickhandasksaquestionbetweenhispant'dthighs,isansweredbyanemphaticexclamation-point."Youwantit,don'tyou?!"Ionfirebreathe.

"Hey,down,boy—doangetsofresh!Weain'tevenbeeninnerducedyet!”"I'mDuke—who'reyou?”"Myname'sKefionThursdays.”"Kefi'sanArabicappellationlikeKif.Areyouanall-outAraboy—oneofAllah'sfavouritesons?”"You'llfindout!”"Well,wheredoyoucomefrom?Ican'tquiteplaceyouraccentthoughyournicelyhard`R's'soundlikemynatalIowa.”"Icomefrommycock,stoopid,an'stopsqueezin'mydick—it'sonyapiss-hardthatneedsdrainin'awfulbad.Where'syourbathroom?”PickinghimupinmyarmsIraisehimhigh,bendmyheadtohisVeeandmymouthaVenusfly-trapIunziphiscut-offswithmystore-teeth(chippingamolar),burrowintohisgapingshortstobeholdagemmouspenisofpurestrayobscenethataggressivelyspringsouttochallengeme—aslimsalaciousfiveincherpeckerpinkandhardascoral,maskedbyagenerousfun-skinwhosevelvetlipsaretriangular,atopazdropofescapedwee-weeclingingtothetipandwhichIspeedilylickup(wastenot,wantnot).WincinglyKefiskinshisprepucebacktoexposetheshinyswollenviolet-pinkacornfromwhichanotheramberdropseepstojointhefirstonmygratitudinoustongue.U'mu'm'm!Boystastesogoodit'snowonderthey'reillegal!"DoyoutakeitintayourheadforthePausethatRefreshes?"theboysnickers,puttingahandonmyheadtopressmedeeperintohisCoca-colacomfit-crotch."You'dbetterorI'mgonnapeealloveryou'causeIcan'tholditnolonger!”Itakehimin,feelakissofpissagainstmytongue,thenathrummingfloodandpiously/peeouslyIdrinkhisHolyWater,toopreciousbyfarformerecathedral-fronts.Alack!Onealwayshopesanewyoungster'swee-weewillatlonglasttastelikeCupid'sbittersweettearswhenhisarrowshaveallmissedtheirmark—andthoughKefi'scock-eaudoesn'tquitemeasureuptothatUndineideal,it'scloserthananyotherboy'dbrewI'vebeenprivilegedtoquaff.MasterDog-Collarshakeshimselfdryinsideme,whiskshisdeflatedfaucetoutofmymouth,tucksitsafelywithinhiscut-offs,unzips,scowlsasIcarryhimbedward."Hey,Idoanwannagothere!”"Whynot,forgoodness'sakes?!"Igulp."'Causemydick'sgotawfulbadmanners—hespitsinbed,theprick!"Flurryofgigglesfrommybundleofjoy.Kiddy-boohasanicesenseofbawdyhumorandlikestotease,whichinmasculineboysisveryoftenaformofflirtation.DearGod,letmepleasehimandkeephimandcherishhimforhelookstobeone-of-a-kind.Ideposithimonthesheets,gratefulthatoncemoremySpartanbedhasaBabylonboyinit,degarbmyuglycorpus,slipoffmyquaintvisitor'sbluesneakers(laterI

drankpinkchampagnefromthemandthoughthesneakerswereflavorful,thewinewasthird-rate),removehiswhitewoolensocksandhisT-shirtexposingtautthree-quarter-inchnipletsinvitingmyfellationasKefiplayswithmyhairyearsandconfidesthattotellthetruth,he'sfromDildo,NewfoundlandbuthisMotherisfromSalem,Massachusettsandhermaiden-nameisEndor.Ipausetolookathim,"Baby,areyouintoShakespeare?"(HowelsewouldheknowaboutEndor?)"Whothefuck'sShakespeare?Idoanremembergettin'intonobobybythatname."Impatientlyhepushesmyheaddowntohisbelly-buttonwhichisroundandwarmanddeepandclaspsmytongueasIprobeit.HereMasterYack-yackaskshowoldIamandIreplythatyearsdon'tmatter—they'rejustdepressingdelusionsanddisillusionspractisedbycalendarsandlife-insurancecompanies.MybedmatesayshedontknowhowthehelloldheisbuthisGrandmatoldhimhewasrightsmack-dabinthemiddleofthePubertalZone.Instantlyalerttopossiblecompetition—evenfromthedistaffside—Iquaver:"DoesyourGrandmagoforboys?”"Shit,no!See,whenshewasyoungshewasthefirstmale-impersonatorWestoftheMrs.Sippian'she'shatedcockseversince!”IsuspectKefiisabigfibberbutnowtheanticchildslithersfrombeneathme,reverseshimselfandhiscaperinglittletoestwinkleupmybellyandchesttosweetlyinsinuatethemselvesbetweenmylipstoticklemytongue—thenheshiftsagaintoofferhisdewyarmpits(evenhissudoristartlysexy!)butbeforeIcanfullyenjoythemheisagainurgingmedowntohismajorTheaterofOperations,evidentlynowbeinginrutenoughfortheMainEvent.Ipeeldownhiscut-offstoseepale-blueshortsred-imprintedinfront:PRIZEINSIDE!andinback:COMBATZONE!Inchinghisunderpantsdown,aplumpplushhairlessdeltacomesintoview,followedbyhiscocknowathrustingcircumstanceandrearingovertenderyounggrapesraptintheirpinkflesh-leafrarestripp'dbeauty,leanandcleanandclassical!Kefithumpsmeonthehead."Don'tjustlookatit—dosomething!Makeupforlosttime!"andhepresseshisapex'dpenis,hotlystrainingtogointoorbit,againstmylips.Ilicktheglossypink-violetglans,tongueintothetinymouth,feelthespasm'djoltofresponseandinasuddenspewofjoy-juicetheboygaspsoutthehotdropsofhispenileunguentallovermyface,comedrippingfrommyeyelashes.(Thelittleactivist'scertainlygotviablesperm,meaning:'Haveseed,willtravel!')HastlyIstriphimofhisprick-tonicwhichtastslikewarmwhipping-creamspicedwithalmondsandthenKefiisuponme,suckinguphissemenfrommybedewedcountenance—"It'stoogoodtowaste!"hesays,echoingmyownsentiments.Then,hislipsstillsticky-glisteningwithhisownpeerlessemission,heshylykissesmeonthemouthandIsavoranewtheuniqueflavorofhisboy-balm—fromacornerofmyeyeadoringhiswiltingpenisagainsthisthigh,spentlikethedyingfallofanarrowshotatthemoon.Ah,theoverwhelmingmagicofIllicitLove,particularlywiththelegallymoredangerousboy!NowIclaspmywarmsweetdarlingclose,myfingersswooningonthesmoothsilkyroundsof

hisbottom,feelbetweentocaresstheSecretPlace,turnhimover,pryapartthesatin-slickloaves.Kefi'sheaven-holeisatender-lippednarrowslitthatyetopensreadilytoreceivemyquestingtonguetremblantinhisattar'ddell—hisasssmellslikecrushedcarnations,thebuddingbloomofcarnality—orhasherecentlybeenhumpedbyaflower-child!IbeginintensebutgentleAnnieLinctus(knownasALinthetrade)andwhoisaboy-lover'sbestfemalefriendforshepersuadedmoreyoungesterstoyieldtheirass-holevirginitythatanyone/anythingelseoverorundertheson—butthislittleonedemurs!"Iknowyouwanttofuckme,bwana,butIsavin'thatforsumbuddyspeshulIain'tmetyet.”NaturallyI'mhellishdisappointedbutit'stouchingtoknowhe'sstillvestal(orsaysheis!)andperhapslaterIcanachieveawet-deckscrewafterhe'sbeenopened-upbythat'somethingspecial'soIgiveafinalfondlicktothepoppy-lipsofhisopiateanusandsay"OK,littlebuddy,Inevertakefromaladwhathe'sunwillingtogivebutItrustyouwon'tforgetmeifconditionschange."Ibendtobussthenacre'dhollowsofhissweettendon'dkneesandthekidcrosseshislegs,elevatinghisbackside."Youcanscrewmebetweenmythighsifyouwantto,"heinvites."Someguyslikethatevenbetterthantherealthing!”"Thanksamillion,baby,butthat'stoomessyandnotexactlymyideaofGraciousLoving.However,I'dloveanothergoatyourcock—doyouthinkyoucanblastagainsoon?”"Sure,butyou'llhaftaplaywithmydickabit'causehedon'tgetstifftooquickthesecondtimearoundifheain'thaddarest."Theboyflipsontohisbackandthenwithimpishlaughterhideshisjewel-boxbehindhisclose-claspedthighs."Look,boss,I'magirl!Iain'tgotnuthin'downthere!"Nowhespreadswidehislegs,yanksuphisquiescentpeckerandpressesitintomyhoveringface."Lovehimupgood,bwana,an'he'llspitforyou!"Kefimurmurs.Lyingbesidehim,headtofoot,Iblowintothetinyopeningofhislimpcock,lewdbaby-talktoitandsoonthelittlesleeperstirs,yawns,rises,throbs,smearsapre-coitalkissonmylipsandIengulfit,suckitwithvigor,scourgingtheundersidewherethesensitivebridledwells.Theboysighs,moans,twists,hishandgrabsmynear-to-burstingmemberandIfeelhistongueskidacrossmyglans,aroundandaroundit,thenhismouth—acarnivorousredrose—fastensonitandhisgentleyetforcefulgo-downingmimicsandsurpassesmyownfellativeplay,hischeekshollowingashesucksandlickswithawildtonguemorearousingandversatilethananyI'veeverknown,ourpassion-sweatpastingourbodiestogetherinatangleofwrithinglimbs—andThisiswhatBlissisaswrenchinglyIcomejustasKefi'spenisinasweetspasmshuddersoutasprayofwarmboy-honeyinmymouth.Afterwardsweliearm-in-arminlanguorouseaseandgratefullyIkisshisbrow,kisstheluxuryofeyelasheslikedarklaceshadowingopalescenteyesseeminglyever-changingfromgray-greentoblue-amberandalltintsbetween—trickoflightanddelight."Thankyou,littleKefi,"Isay,nuzzlinghisear."Forwhat?”"Forsuckingmeoff.ItwasthewonderfulbestbutIwishyouhadn'tbeensoexpertatthejob!”

Hehitmehardonthearm—inmachoboysasignofaffection,presentcasewonderfullyexcepted."IdintblowyouMaryJanedid!”"Well,givethedeargirlmycompliments—shegivesheadmuchbetterthanIdobutthenI'msadlyoutofpractise.”"Ifyouwannaknowthetruth,"Kefiscowls,"Ihatetosexitupwithaman!”"Thenwhydoyoucometoseeme?”"'CauseIlovetohate!Whattimeisit?”"It'sanickeltomidnight.”"Jesus,Igottago!”"Stay,littleone.Stay,forthouartbeautiful!”"Nocando,bwana—butI'llseeyoutomorrowmaybe.”Stillsomewhatpot-dazed,thekiddy'satrifleunsteadyonhisfeetasIclothehim,escorthimtothedoor."Keepyourlegscrossed,"Icaution,enfoldinghiminafarewellembrace."Keepyourballscrossed!"hesnickers,givesmetheVictorySignwithonefingerandisgone—andit'sonlywhenI'minbedagainthatIrealizemyfeymignonisevidentlynottheC.O.D.type.Ordidheforgettoaskforhisfee?June9:At10PMmyvariousandweathervaneloveshowsupinanoddmoodbetweenelationanddejectionandobviouslylettinghismouthrunonbutwithhisheadturnedoffforthepreeningpeacock-boydeclaresthathisassshouldbeintheHallofFameandhisdickisworthyoftheNobelPiecePrize.SilentlyIwhollyagreebutvocallyIscold:"O'erweeningpridemustbedeniedandmortifiedandsetasideasfartoosnidelest—”"Why,bossrsmirksmyEvillittleWeevil,battinghisfiligreeeye-lashes."Yousoundlikeyoubeengoin'downonMaryJanetoo!”Iignoretheaffrontandinquirewouldhegoforsomedelicioushome-madeblueberrymuffinsandmarshmallow-cremecocoatosortofstock-uphissweetsex-machine.Hehangsouthislongwetredtongueandpantsnoisily—excitingindicationthathelikessomethingorthinkshe'lllikeitandforabout161/2supernalsecondshepermitsmetosuckhisdrippytonguebeforeheshovesmeaway,demandingthegrubwhichIprepareandbringtohimwhereheregallylollsontheliving-roomsofa.AshegreedilystuffshisgobIopenhispants,agogtominethequick-silverofhisboyishloinsbutwhenIdecanthiscockIfindthatit'swiltedandlistlessandhangingitsweeheadinsaplessshame—andthoughIjigglehisballslikediceinacupandvigorouslystrivetoerecthisDispenserofDelight,Kefi'speckerremainsmoreflaccidthanathird-hand

condom."Goddamit!Icry,"who'sbeenatyou?”"Ibeenatmyself!"theboysnarls."IsthatOKwithyou?"“Urn,well,yes,Isupposeso,you'reentitled—butyououghttoknowbynowthatasuck-jobisthreetimesasgoodasamerehand-job.”"Notfromyou,itain't!You'restricklyAmateurNightinBlowsville!”"That'snotthewayyouactedlastnight!”"Iwastoopolitetotellyouthenbuthonest-to-God,boss,yousuckanusthetic—Idoangetnofeeling!”Inmyexperiencethecomelieralittleball-bearingis,themoreoutrageousarehiswhimsandfanciesandthoughthismavericksex-potputsmedownsothoroughlythatIhavetolookinamirrortoseeifI'mstillthere,Ihumorhimandhumblypromisetodobetterinthefuture—ifhe'llkindlygivemeanotherchance.KefisniffsloudlyandgoesontocriticalthatIcooklikeTyphoidMaryandmyhome-mademuffinsaresoconcretethattheycouldcrackblackwalnuts—thenheorderssecondsonthecocoaandask'sifthere'sanymoremuffinsleft!Iservethemtohimonbendedkneeandgraciouslyhechirps:"Thankyou,Master—youmaydrinkmypeeifyoulike.”Master!Thecunningyoungbastardknowshe'sthemasterandI'mtheslavebutI'mhappywithmyshacklesandpenileservitudeandKefi-pissisalwayswelcomesoIreturntohishypnoticlittlewater-pipesoft-warmandsquiggly-wigglyinmymouth,smokeittillitgusheswithabandon—andasIfamishedquaffhim,theboysipsfromhiscupofcocoaandsnickers:"Inoneendandouttheother—that'sthewayitgoes!"PeeandSympathy."Youdrinkneat!"theimpudentimpapproves,pullingmyearsasIrelinquishhisdrained-drytap."Youkeepyourmouthonitcarefulan'doanspilladrop!”Itisnowapproaching12PM—willmysexyCinderelloandhisunder-achieverprickagainvanishatmidnight,leavingmyheartashatter'dglassslipper?Hewillandasheleaves,Isay:"Comebacktomorrow—early!”"I'llbeback,"hepromisesglibly,"'causeIgotabigbonetopickwithyou!”"Andifyoutakeashowerbeforethen,don'twashbeneathyourforeskin!”Kefigivesmetwostifffingersandslamsthedoorinmyface.Tensecondslaterhe'sbangingonthedoorandwhenIrushtoopenhe'spoisedspread-leggedonmythreshold,dropshispantsandsuffocatinglyIseehispenisarchingbetweenhissmoothslimthighstoproudlystand—anakedwarrioreagerforamorousbattle.DesperatelyIlungeforitbutthelarkyladdarts

awayamidcawsofmockinglaughter.June10,11,12:NoKefi,leavingtheendlessnights/daystolonelinessandtome.LittleladsaremorecruelthanCaligulatheycouldteachrudertormentstoAttilatheHun,HitlerandAttorneysDistrict.June13,2AM:I'mawakenedbyadearfamiliarvoiceserenadingmeinthestreet,twofloorsbelow:"Bwana,boss,effendi,master,prick—wakeup!"IsprainanankleleapingfrommylovelornbedtothewindowwhereIbeholdmyhebeticHyacinth,obviouslyhighinMariaJuana.Whenblearilyhecatchessightofme,heshrieks:"Oh,Auntiedear,comeoutatheclosetan'seewhatI'vegotforyou!"—andfumblinglyheunzipshispants-fly,withdifficultyextractinghissoaringyoungGallopPoletotauntinglyflauntitatme.Underthecircumstances,he'saboutaswelcomeashand-cuffssoIhiss:"Youlittlehell-hound,d'youwanttoruinmyreputation?Eithergetyourassuphereorgetlost!"Alack!Guffawingwidly,YouthisonWingwithacontemptuousflirtofhishandandhind-end...theGoodbyeLook,forevermore?NotlikelywithoutbounteousSeverancePay!June17:At8PMtheanti-climaxjackanapesshowsup,hiscandlehotlyaflamebuthe'snotabouttoquenchitinmymouthforhe'sextremelybrowned-off:hispot-pimpfromPoughkeepsiehasfailedtodelivertheessentialNepenthe.Istrivetokissthemaledictivescowlfrommyperdition-puer'spussbuthewarnsmetoleavehimaloneorI'llbeeatingafist-furterwhilehestranglesmewithhisdog-collar.Clearlythebenightedlittleby-blowhascometoscoffandremainstorevilebuthispeckerandhisdanderareupofwhichtheformermagicweaponisofdistinctalluresoIsuggestasmidgenofFaerieQueenefellationbutMasterNull&Voidsnarlsthathisdickissosunburned,chappedandchilblainedthatitcan'tbeartobetouched,besidewhichhiscreameryisonstrike(dairydilemma!),plushiscomeisstuckupintheresomewheres,refusingtocomeoutandalsohisnutsareallballed-upsohe'sthinkingseriouslyofgettingcastratedandcircumcisedasjustacrew-cutcockaloneain'tsoheavytototearound!Wantoncapricesofamadcapboy—IknowthemalltoowoundedlywellbutstillsmittenwithgossamerKefi-flesh,Iproposeaharmlessinterludeoftongue-twistingAnnieLinctus.Promptlymyamedamnespits:"Shoveit,slobbo!Igotpiles,pin-wormsan'heat-rashallovermypottie!”Egad!Sofar,sobad—whereismyerstwhileladsodisdainfulofdullvirtue?!Ishemortgagedtoanotherwhonowhassolepropertyrights?Whatever,incomparisonJacktheRipperwasamostcommendableandclean-cutcharacter.YetIdon'tthrowinthetrick-towelformostkidsarekindifyougetontheirblindsidesoIbeseechhimforthemerebagatelleofgoingonhisballsbuthewoefulsthathe'sgottorsionofthetesticleswhichhellishtormentshim."Thengivemeyourpee!"Iplea,"andthoughyoumaycharge$1persquirtwhichiswee-weeinflationatitswurstandIshouldcomplaintoConsumers'ProtectiveLeague—stillI'llpayitforIwanttogetsomethingfromyourvividpersonality!"Inanirrelevanceofmodestymybeatificboy-angelcastoutofHeavenwoofsthathe'dratherpissintheaspissdistraoronthefloorandanywayhisbladderisasemptyasmywallet.(ByGod,hespeaksthetruththere!)Nowitoccurstomethatperhapsmyboy-nymphetispissed-offbecauseIhaven'tmadethe

long-greenobeisancetohimsoIpromisethatonmypay-daynextMondayIwillremunerateforhisinestimableservicesandpleaseexcusetheunconscionabledelay.Sneeringthathedoanneednomoney,Kefistartspullingwadsofcrumpledbillsfromhispocketsandthrowingthemonthefloor.ScrabblingaroundonmyhandsandkneesIpickupthelovelylucre,smooththecrinklynotesandhandthembacktohim—atotalof$82!"Wheredidyougetallthatloot?"Ienvioslyexclaim."Igottamoney-machinerightbachhere!"theboysmirks,slappinghisass.(SweetJesus,isheAnaniastheSecondoraperipatetichump-holeforhiretoallcomers?Please,let'snotthinkaboutthat!)"Sinceyou'resoflushandI'msootherwise,perhapsyoucouldlendmefive?"Ientreat."Why,sure—anytime!"Kefireplies—andhandsmeaBuffalonickle.(Themiserlylittlecruddoesn'tknowitbutI'm$5.05aheadofthegameforIswipedafinfromhismoolawhenIgathereditupfromthefloor.)Putoffbyhisput-down,Isarcastic:"Doesyourmotherstillthinkyou'reasonofabitch?”Theboystaresatmeblankly."Whatmother?!I'manorphan'causemydearMommywaskiltbyahit-an'-runambulancean'mydamnDaddywhowasaplasteredbeer-tasterforPabstBrew-in'Companyonenightfellintaa10,000-gallonvatoflageran'ain'thidenorhairofhimhasbeenseensince—Pabstorpresent!”Ishould'verealiseditsooner—charmingoodballKefilieslikearug,heplayswithTruthasifitwerehisownCock.Ofcourse,nochildliesintheseretrogressiveFreudianshrunkby-shrinkstimes—hesimplyisunabletodistinguishbetweenexcitingfantasyandboringreality,yetifwhateverMasterDog-Collaruttersismendacious,thentheoppositeofwhathedeclarescanbenofalsehood,right?Thisengagingcredibility-gapchangesmyconceptofhimconsiderablyandforthebetterbutbald-facedIaccuse:"Sugar-tit,Ithinkyoulieinyourteeth!”"SureIdo!"herepliesimpatiently."Itwasmyfavoritesubjeckinschool."Thentheoutrageousurchinproceedstowarnmeaboutlovingotherlads,includinghimself!"They'renogoodforyou,boss.They'llripyouofforgetyouintoallkindsabadtrouble.”"Oh,comeon!"Iprotest."Irealizethatboysarebydefinitionabriefecstasy,atransientblissbutthey'resuperior,they'venevercausedmeserioushassleandareasnecessarytomeasthebestofmyheart.Ah,iflovelyladswereonlyimmunefromtheyears'slowstainandtheinevitableerosionsofmaturity!""You'retalkin'stoopid!"theboyscornfuls."Like...where'syourwrist-watch?”"Onmywrist,naturally"Ipeeratmyleftwrist—nowatch.Win."See?!"Keficrows,holdinguptheadroitly-snitchedtimepiece."InmysleepIcouldrobyoublind!Bwana,you'resoway-outdumboIguessthasswhyIgoforyouali'lbit.”"Thatlastisanotherfib,nodoubt,"Icynicalandattempttotakehiminmyarmsbutheelbows

meaway,accusesmeofmalignneglectandordersmetoshedmyclothesashehasanimpellingyentoplayDentistandfillmyAnalCavity.(Openwide,please—youwon'tfeelathing!)Hey,diddle-diddle,littlecatwantstofiddle!andI'mscarcelyaversethoughit'snotmypreferredmethodofabsorbingayoungster'sspermbuteagerlyIdisrobeandturntodenudemycriminousconfrerebuthe’salreadyshedhiscream-coloredpantsandWASPshortsinasnowfallofgarmentsabouthisankles,kicksthemoffandbum-rushesmetowardsmycouchofdisorderlyconduct.Inithepushesmeontomyback,crouchesoverme,invitesmetosuckhisprickmorefullyerectforthemajoroperationhehasinmindandanewmyardenteyesdrinkinthesoftpinkfig-leafofhissacdelineatingtheweesex-stonescastinloveliness,thedrapeofdelicatecock-skinmaskingthesweetsugar-lumpofhisglans—intricategenitaltopographyofaboy,atoncesopreciousandsovulnerable!—andthenmyheadiscaughtintheabruptpincer-movementofhisfascistthighs,hisquickeningpenisasuddenflesh-melodyinmymouth.AvidlyItonguethetenderbridle,intentonlootingKefi'sdickofitsliquidgoldbuthedetectsmysneakyruseandroughlycuffsmeontheear,causinganinvoluntarycontractionofmyjaws:luckyIwasn'twearingmystore-teethorrudekiddy-poomight'velosthalfhismostvaluedpossession!Withdrawing,hecommands:"Nowturnoveronyourbellyan'getgetyourassingear'causeI'mreadytoride!”"Hey,holdeverything!"Idemur."Barely20minutesagoyoutoldmethatyourcockwasconstipatedandyourcomewouldn'tcome!”"Honesttobadness,thatwasalittleblacklie!"thekidsnickerswithanairofevilinnocence.PlanilyI'mDanielintheLyin'sDen—butwillIemergeunscathed?!"Now,look,poochy-poo,"Iultimatum,"I'llonlyholdstillforarocking-horsehumporyoucanforgetthe'holething!"(Thispositioinismostadvisablewhenyou'redealingwithapossiblytoomayhemicyoungcitizenasyoucanreallylifthimoutofyouifheprovestobeoverlyram-bunctious.)"OK,bwana,"assentsthesweetimpeacherofmyvirtues,"soupwithyourlegs!”Oh,shit!thelittlewise-assknowsallaboutthesubtleScientificsofScrew!Sighing,Ihoistmykneestomychest,shovemyfeetright-angleceilingwardandpromptlyKefiisuponme,hisragingdickhotforthetarget."Hey,lubricateme!"Iaffrontedlycry."I'mnotwo-bittwatinanalley,youknow!”IgnoringthenewtubeofKYonthenight-table,myaggressiveravisherspitsthreetimesonhisfingers,smearinghiscopioussalivain,onandaroundmyshrinkinganus.Thenfittingmyfeetintohisarmpitshefeverishlyattacksme,missingthebull'seyeatthefirstlungeandcomplainingthatIoughtahavehairaroundmyass-holelikeacuntdoessohisprickcouldfinditeveninthedark!NowKefi'skeyconnectswithmylockandhedrivesinsoforcefullythatIgaspwithpleasure-painandwail:"Bangmeeasy,dammit!You'resendingmyprostrate-glandsintoagag-reflex!”"Shutupan'startrockin'!"thelittledeep-dickingdevilsnarls."DoIhaftadoallthework?!”

MasochistthatIamwhereprettyboysareconcerned,Icommencetorockandroll—butmyGod!Kefi'sonlygotfivesliminchesbutthewayheusesthemyou'dthinkacop'slaw-and-ordertruncheonloomedmenacefulbetweenhisthighs!andit'salltoodolefullyobviousthatmypaganinfil-traitorhasbittensodeepintotheApppleofSodomthathiscrudeanimal-natureisuppermost,nottomentionthatthetypicalmasculineboy-cockeverhasamindofitsown,ahalf-tamedwildbeasthazardoustolivewithbutImakethebestofabaddeal/ordealandironicallyinquire:"AmItightenoughtosuityourMajesty'srigidrequirements?”DigginghisPassionDigitmercilesslyfartherintome,hepants:"Boss,totellyouthetruthyouain'teggzacklytheLayoftheLandbutyou'lldoinapinch!"AndtheVoodooKidrenewshisassult—hefuckswithunfinesse,hara-kirismyasswithhissnickersneeshaft,hispile-driverprickpoundingintomeasifitwereastakehewasdrivingintoDracula'sheart...andperhapsitis,symballically.Butfinallytheweerapistgoestoofar,thrustsintomesobrutallythatmypoorrectumbecomesonelongloudsilentscreamwithinsodefensivleyIshovemyfeetup,liftingtheboyoutofmeandjustasIdoheejaculates—histhicklove-juicebedewingtheravagednichebetweenmybuttocksandoozingdownmyperineum.Cursingme,Kefifallsontomyposterior,burrowinghisheadintomyinflamedrecesstolickuphisessenceofimmortality."It'stoogood..."hemumbles-"...towaste!"Iferventlyagree,reachingforhisstill-seepingpenistogetmyshareofhisboyishemission.June18,19,20:NoDog-CollarBoy—Siberiaofmyheart.June21:BeginningofSpringandwithitKefiarrivesat10PM,fullofinsultsandAmor,hisbreathspicywithVat69andhisdenim'dcrotchwith69—orself-abuse."Hi,bwana!"hesmiles."I'mKefi—rememberme?!”IhearhisnameandI'maflame."Youlittlecrap!"Icry."Doyouliketocrucifyme?!Where'veyoubeenthepastthreedays?”HisluminouseyesreflectingthefalsehoodsIhopehe'stellingme,myAngelofLightsaysheandaman-friendnamedPeterDickinson(Dick-in-son?!),calledPicolloPeteforshort,havebeenbusybeatingupfagsandpimpsandotherenemiesofboys."DoyougotobedwiththisPiccolloPete?"Ijealous.(NaturallyIhatetoseethateveningsongodown—onsomebodyelse!)"Boss,I'dpurelyadmiretosamplePetebutAnitaBryantgottohimfirst!”Humph!ColdcomfortandIsay:"BaronMonkeyhausen,youarefibbingyourprettylittleheadoffandyouknowit!”"Howdidyouguess?"thekidlaughs."Asamatteroffack,IwaskidnappedbyabunchaWhiteSlavers—Oh,man!didtheythrowtheblockstome!Ihavebeenscrewedsixwaysfrom

Sunday!”"Idon'tbelievethat,either.”"Idintthinkyouwould,"theboygrins,turningonmydazzledorbsthefullglowofthefun-lightthatliesinhischameleoneyes—andliesandliesandlies!"OK,boss,whereIreallybeenisIbeenconsultin'withmylawyeraboutsuingmyMommaforparentalmalpractise.”Confusedbyhisantitheticalprevarications,Isneer:"Soyou'rebackwithyourMommyagainwhowass'posedtohavepassedontoherHeavenlyReward!”"Poorme!"Kefilaments."Ineverlefther!”I'mtryingtosortthisoutforelementsofveracitywhenmyvivaciousvisitorcrosseshiseyesatmeandsnickers:"AkidImetinPlaylandtoldmeyoulovedshit-sandwichesbutIsaidthatcouldn'tbetrue'causeyouhatedbread!”IrefullyIretort:"Look,ass-hole,ifthat'saninvitationthenforgetitbecausethedayIeatyourshitit'llhavetotastelikeunadulteratedfiletmignonwithhorseradishontheside!”"ThankstoPiccoloPete,"Kefismirks,"Igotthefilletmignon—ifyou'vegotthehorseradish!”IinformmyblithebutunrulySpiritthatifhiscockweren'tsoclassicandhisassweren'tsuchamasterpieceandifhisabsencedidn'tcreatechaosanddarknightwhereinhisprettypenisrapedmydreams,IwouldsendhimbacktoPiccoloP,andtheWhiteSlaverswhodoubtlessalreadyruedtheday,hour,minute,secondtheyencounteredananti-typelikehimself!MasterUniqueresponds:"Areyououtofyourpointyhead?!Idoanknowanyofthemcreeps!K.I.S.S!"heconfusinglyadds,spellingitout."Why,gladly!"Icry,allofasuddenmovedtosentimentsprotectiveandgratefulandbated-breathfulasIpuckerupmyoralportalstoecstaticsmoochtheboy'salreadyseeminglykiss-orfellation-swollenlips—butIgettheflatofasmallroughhandinmyface,propellingmepratward."Bwana,youbighunkofugly,K.I.S.S.onymeans:KeepItSimple,Stupid!sogetyourclothesoffifyouwanttogotobedwithme.No,waidaminnit,I'lldoitforyou!"Andexpertlyrudelittlefingersvandallyde-cladme,buttonspopping,seamsripping,untenderpinchesbestowedonthemostsensitivepartsofmyshrinkinganatomy,mydisroberinsultinglyintimatingthatifstiffprickswerevendedat$1perinch,/wouldgetchangefromathree-dollarbill!WhenatlastIamcoweringinpre-figleafAdamicnuditymidstthepoolofmygarments,theboyseizesmyembarrasseddongbythescruffoftheneckandpainfullypullsmeintothebathroomwhereheperchesonthetoilet-seatoppositethesix-footmirrorsetintothebathroom-dooranddirectsmetotakehisdickinmymouthandkeepittherewhileIinturnundresshim,helookingintotheglassasIworkforhewantstoseenotonlytherealitybutthereflectionofmyperformancewhichhadbetterbegoodorcausticcriticismscumfisticuffswillbeforthcoming!

AvidlyIacceptthechallengewhichisanewploytomethoughfoolishlyIthoughtIkneweverythingaboutsex-playwithweeladdiesbutIforgotthatALittleChildShallLeadThem—Hellonlyknowswhere!Kneelingontheachinglythreadbarebath-matIseektounziptheflyofKefi'sBlueLawpantsbuthe'salreadygothisexcitablelittlelust-lanceouttonuzzlemylips,hard-softandwet-ripeforsuck-love,delicateveilofroseatesex-skinpeelingbacktorevealthethrustofstrawberryglansaggressivelyemergingandmoistwithameringueofpre-coitalmucus.PrayerfullyIabsorbthepreciousmorsel,feelitexploremymouthtothrustandthrobwithgrowingdesire,theheadyscentoftheboy'sexposedgroinlikeabenedictionintheair.KefiliftshisfeettohelpmeasIpulloffhissneakersandsocks;abitofbendingandreachingandoffcomeshisblue-for-boy-babiesT-shirt;heelevateshisaccommodatingbottomsoIcansliphispantsdownandawaysoallthatremainsishiswhiteshorts,stenciledwithalargegreenYES!onthefly-frontandalargerredNO!ontheback.Fuckingnegativismagain!ordoesn'tthekiddy'sPuritanassknowwhathisPagancockisupto?!WhenIbitterlymouthfullyprotestsuchaone-sidedstateofaffairstheboyleersthatifIasthimnicehejustmightletmeswitchhisunderpantsaround—likebass-ackward,thustactitlypermittingmetoenjoyhimposteriorly."Likenow?"Iagainnumblearoundhisrampantdickstilldeepwithinmyuppercheeks."Likelater—tenyearslater!istheInquisitionalreply.Sighing,Iunsnaptheambivalentshorts,easethemdownandarounddangerouscurves,asIdosocontrivingtosneakmywilysocialfingerbetweenthefirmmoundsoftheangelicaasstocaresstheyieldingwarmthofcriminalcohabitor'sHeavenlySpotandatlastmybeautifuloneisinhisbirthday-suit(doesthemirrorblushatsightofthenudebeloved?!)andhispenisisstillwithinmylips—asucculentfeatimpossibletoaccomplishhadbriefsorboxer-shortsbeeninvolved,butIgetscantpraisefromMasterContrarywhosneersthatnumerousothershavedonetheidenticaldiredeedmuchquickerandkickierandmadehimblastatthesametime!Incensedbythisunfairfellativeput-downandmorethaneverhung-uponhishoneydewhangdown,Iburrowmyfacedeepintotheboy'sloinstomercilesslyharasstheboneofourcontentionandKefiwrapstightlyaroundmyhead,frou-frousibilanceofhissilkythighsrubbingagainstmycheeksaswildlyhefucksmymouthforhisbelateddelight—andsharpuponthestrokeofmidnightmysmallCinderello'sbodyquivers,hisfacialmusclestense,hepantsinsimulatedpassionofanersatzejaculation,whinnyingloudlyashewrithinglyemitsnothing!"Whew!"thelittlefalsifiergroans,exhaustedly."Yougottabigloadoutamethattime!”"IgotaloadofbullshitiswhatIgot!"Igrump."Youdidn'tcome!”"Ididtoocome!Isquirtedan'squirted!”"Thenwhere'sthestrippings?!"Igrate,forcefullymilkinghiscock."See?You'redryasabone!”

"SoIfakedit—sosueme!"Kefisnickers."How'dyouknow?”"Ihadmythumbonyourthermostatanditdidn'tjumpatthesucko-logicalmoment.Alsoyourearsgetredwhenyoureallyspurt.”"Look,wise-ass,"theboyscowls,"Idoanliketosexitupwithguyssmarter'nme!”"Relax,baby,"Ireassure."You'refarsmarterthanIamforIneverhad$82totosscarelesslyonthefloor—noteveninpaydayinthesaltmines!”"OK,boss,"thekidgrins,"Iacceptyourapology.Nowgimmamypants.”"You'renotleaving?!"Iwailindespairthoughhandinghimtherequestedgarment,masochistthatIam."Relax,bwana,I'mjisthuntin'forMariaJuanawho'ssomewherehereinmydamnpants...yeah,herethelittlecuntis,safe'nsound!"andKefihaulsoutacigarette-caseandalighterthataresomulti-karat'dheavygoldtheycouldonlyhavecomefromthevaultsofFortKnox.Heopensthecasetodisplayadozenoval-shapedfagsthatlookpreciselylikelegalMelachrinos—cleverlydeviousdeception.Tweakingmyobtrusivenose,myUnpredictableUnusualchirps:"Nowyoucarrymean'MaryJuanatobedan'thethreeofus'llhaveaball!"Inbedtheboymakesatentoutofthelight-greenuppersheet,creatingahazedandromanticacqueousunderworldthoughitsmorepracticalpurposeistohermeticallycontainthefumesofthejointheignites,politelyofferingmethefirstdragbutIdeclineforpotandmedon'tagree,evenifit'sfrompurePoughkeepsie.Ah,yes,MaryJanedoesindeedshareourbedandabetouraberrationsbutshe'spersonnagrata—theonlygirl(besidesAnnieLinctus)I'deversleptwith.Myegregiousmalemattress-mateisdeterminedtogetmeatleasthalfashighasheintendstobecomeandwhileleisurely,flavorfullyItongue-bathethevoluptuoussalt-sweetnessofhissmallboy-body(subletiesoffaceandformtonarcotizethesenses!)heblowsgrass-smokeintomyeyes,ears,mouth,meatus,anus.Mytongueandmyhandsaflurryoffeels,gropesandcaresses,IcouldwaxeloquentoverthemoistdarkhoneyinKefi'sears,overhisgracilecorpuscoolandfreshandcleanasthedawnbreezefromasecretsummersea.Seekingtolickhissmoothyoungthroat,myquestinglipsencounterleatherandIcry:"Hell,whenIundressedyouIforgottotakeoffyourdog-collar!”Theboy'shandsflyprotectivelytohisneck-ornament."Leaveitalone!WithoutitI'dfeelbare-assnaked!"(Thevagariesoflittleball-bearingsareaneternalfeastofparadoxicalsurprises.)Aftersmokingthreejointsinquicksuccessionmydreamy-eyeddarlingstretcheslangurously,sibilantwhisperofdarkcurlsagainstpillow,andasmallwarmhandcomesuptotouchmycheek.Iturnmymouthintohiscallousedpalm,kissit,kisshisdimpledlip-cornersandhislipsandthepearlygatesofhisteethandsipthecrystaldewhetonguesouttome.Doesmypeerlesspuerknowtheworthofhisbeautythathebestowsitonhumblemeforfree?!

"Howd'youfeel,boss?"theboymurmurs."Highlyillegal!Dokissesconstitutecriminalconversation?""AstMaryJane—Iwun'tknow.Kneeloverme,bwana.Scroogeupclosean'I'llmakeyoufeelevenbetter!”PricklingwithanticipationIhastetoobey,myinflatedprongnuzzlingKefi'schin.Theboysnakeshisslimwickedtongueoutanddrawsmyforeskinoveritlikeasnugflesh-condom,fluttershispointytongue-tiparoundandthenintomyglans-slitandsoon,toosoonablissfultinglingsuffusesmybody,focusesinmypenisandgaspinglyIshootintotheyoungester'ssolicitingmouth,collapsingontohimaswrenchlinglyIexpulseburstafterburstofpent-uprut.Chokingalittle,Kafigreedilygulpsmyforcefulexudate,thoroughlymilksmefortheultimatedropbutalack!InHeavenIaminHell!Thesweetlingisfartoofellativelyexpertformypeaceofmind—whendidInnocencefleethosepasteliceyes?Ishejustanybody'sboyforthetakingorashiserrantfancyleadshim?Iwouldhatetothinksoforselfishly,jealouslyIwantthefairDarkStrangerformyundeservingown.Myenigmaticenchanterlazilysmilesupatme."Myblow-jobsentyou,huh?”"Noadequatewordsexisttodescribe—!”"Yeah,thasswhatIfiggered.I'mgoneoncome'causeit'sloadedwithproteinan'goodstufflikethat,ain'tit?”"Yes,indeed—especiallyfreshyoungsweetboy-sperm.Infact,nowadaysacleancock—preferablyoneattachedtoaminor—isabouttheonlythingyoucaneatwithoutfearofgettingcancer!”"Wegotlotsaenemies,ain'twe?Canceran'copsan'Mommasan'fuckinstraightsan'shitknowswhat!”"Don'tdespair,baby.Boy-loveistheinevitable,inexorableraveofthefutureandweshallprevail—ifwelivelongenough.”"Hey,boss,youthirsty?IgottagallonofpissarooneyIjistdoanneednohow!”ScramblingbetweenKefi'swide-spreadlegs,Iseektofastenmylipsonhislimpfaucetbutmyaddle-patedyoungdrink-dispenserwantstodoitdiff'runtforachangeandhebidsmetoholdmyhorseswhilehedrawsuphiscapaciousprepucetoformafamily-jewel'dchalice—thenconcentratingmightilyhefillstheflesh-beaker,cuttingoffthewee-weeflowjustasit'sabouttospillover."Slurpitup,boss,an'I'llgiveyousomemore!"hedirects—andIdoandhedoes,brimminghisineffablecupascoreoftimesbeforeheisdrained."You'resogoodyou'rebad!"IpraiseasIshaketheboy'sspigotloosefromthelastacacia-tinteddrop."I'veneverhadanyotherkidwhowascapableofsuchdelighfulStop-and-Gopissing—theyalwaysgripedthatitwastoohardontheirurinarysphincter,orscabrouswords

tothateffect.”"Anydopecandoit,"Kefishrugs."It'sjiltacaseofmindovermatter.”Beinginajovialmood,nowmyproteanperfectoplaysEdgarBergenventrioquistwithhisCharlieMcCarthypenis,squeezinghisglanssoitstinylipsmoveasifverilyspeakingtome,theboyadroitlythrowinghispuppet-squeakyvoicetocreateaneerilylifelikeillusion.Butwhatthedisrespectfullyribaldpricksaystomeisaninsufferableinsultandaffront,castingscurrilousaspersionsonmyforebears,myappearance,mysexualperformance,myeverything—andI'mjustabouttoslaptheshitoutofthecheekylittleupstartwhenKefidrawshisforeskinoverCharlieMcC'sloud-mouth,indicatingthatthecurtainisdownandtheShowisover.However,theboy'svigorousmanipulationsofhiscock-headhaveswollenhisPrideandJoytoacompulsivedesireformoreexcitingactionandKeficries:"Deep-throatmeagain,bwana—IthinkIcanexplodeforrealthistime!”Needingnosecondinvitation,Iplummetupontheflesh-rosefloweringbetweenhisthighsexquisitelyformedtobeclaspedaboutalover'sneckandsuckintheboy'sblossomingbud,mylipslasciviouslimpetsclingingtohislingamasIplayarousinghandballwithhisTesticleTwins.ThenmyintractableRightistsocial-finger,carriedawaybyitsownunspeakablelust,serpentsbeneathmybed-buddy'sBotticellibottom,betweenthesmoothbuns,againsttheweeasp-holehotandwetandopenforfeloniedmonkey-business—anddelicatepinkmembranessteamilyparttoadmitmyinvasivedigit,claspitlovongly."Oh,yes!"Kefimoans,wildlythrustingbetweenmyfingerinbackandmymouthinfront."Nowrubmybulb—hard!”ForcefullyImassagethelittlelumpbeneathhisballs,atthesametimeagitatingmyfingersdeepwithinhismuteandhoney'dass-lipsandsuddenlyanelectricshuddergalvanizesmysquirmingsuckee,hispenisleapsagainstmytongue—cock-arroweagertofindreleasefromthetautbowoftheboy'sstrainingbody—andIfeelripplesofblisscoursethroughhisarch'dflesh,thenahoarsesobbingcryandthewrithingloinsconvulseagainstmyfaceastheboypumpsintomehishotyoungurgency,hiscopiouscomeastringofmeltedpearlsunstrung,hissimultaneousanalcontractionsmilkingmyfingerinsweetemphaticpassion.WhenI'vethoroughlystrippedmylittleconcubinoandavidlylickedallhismoistpungenciesfrommysocialmiddle-digit,Iextol:"Kefi,baby,thatwasthemostecstaticorgasmIeversavoredinmywholeentirelife:aperfectsexualblushingofyourpenisandass-holeinexcitingconjuction—asQueenVictoriausedtosaytopoorpooped-outPrinceAlbert.”"That's'causeyoukeepyourmindonyourworkan'blowedmesortahalf-assgoodthistime!"mytoo-candidscapegracebelittles.Myamourpropresorelywounded,Iindignate:"Listen,snot-face,Ibeensuckingboy-cockoffandonsinceIwas8soIdamnwelloughtaknowmybusiness!”"Yououghttobutyoudon't!Infack,I'vegotkickierhead-jobsfroma2-year-oldmilking-machinean'that'sgospeltruth!”

Ah,well,whenmyLoveswearsthatheismadeofTruth,Idobelievehim—thoughIknowheLies.Anyway,it'susuallyuselesstoarguewithaprizedpuer—ifhelosesthedisputehegetsup,climbsintohispantsandgoeshomeortoanevendirerdestination.TheGreatGameispot-holedwithpitfalls,neverthelesstheplayersarelegionforthejackpotsarefrequentanduniquelyenriching.NowMasterBad-Mouthhangshistongueoutandpants,indicatinghiscigarette-caseevillygleamingonthenight-table.Well-trained,well-brokentotheimperiousboy-bitandspurIigniteajoint,insertitbetweenmyjuveniletyrant'slips,placeanash-trayconvenientlytohand.Rewardingme,Kefiflipsontohisbelly,pointstohisplummyunplumbybumineveryasspecttheAssBeautifulandmakesloudlappingnoisesechoedinmyownoralyen.Wormingmywaybetwixthislegs,Inudgemychinintohisplushcleft,forthefirsttimenotingthatmypronepartnersportsatinyarrowheadbirthmarkatthebaseofhisspine—invertedsignposttoParadise."Oh,Kefi,"Iadore,"thybodyistheTempleoftheHolyGhost!”"YoumeantersayI'mhaunted?!"theboysnickers,blowingpot-smokeatmeoverhisshoulder."Shutup!AndthybuttocksaretheDeepSeatofHoliness!""Noshit?!SorimmyHoleynessorI'llblabtothelaw!""Yourstocommand,Yourworship!”ForthwithIpryapartthewarmloavestorevealthetinyredraspberrywithin,pucker'dmouthbeckonig,andKefiwinkshisnethereyeatmeinanalipticsolicitation.Blowingonthelittlerecreation-centertocoolitoffforcomfortableeating,Iwedgemysenilecheeksbetweenvibrantyoungass-cheeksandfeverishlylicktheForbiddenFruit,myhandslippingbeneathhimtorubhisquickeningcockhardagainsthislushpubis.Inflamed,Iswitchtotongueingtheseamofmyboudoir-buddy'sperineumwhilemyoversizenosefucksthedelicateclove-scentofhiscarnationcubby-hole—butmytenderembracesarelostonmypot-smog'dcompanion."Hey!"heimpatients."Lightmeupagain,fag—myfag'sgoneout.”"WaituntilIslipintosomethingmorecomfortable,"IsayasIslidemystifftongueintotheboy'sred-satinaperture.Hegasps,quivers,relaxes,forgetsaboutfagstosighinglyrevelinmyindictablecaresses.Alack!AnnieLinctusiseverachancybitchandagainshescrewsme!Afterabout40minutesofmutuallypleasuringmyPretty'spoppy-holemytongue—insteadofdevelopinganicetirelessrigormortis—suddenlycurlsupinmymouthandtriestocrawldownmythroat,bitterlycomplainingofutterrim-fatigue!However,inpresentcasetherearecompensationsKefirollsonhisbackandsmilesdownatme."Bwana,Ihatelikehelltoadmititbutyoudosuckassrealfine!”"Soonceyouapproveofmewholeheartedly,doyou?”"Yousaidthat—Idint!Nowgetmeadrinkan'anotherjoint.”"Wouldyoulikeaglassofnicecoldmilk?”

"Areyoukidding?!I'vehatedmilkeversincemyMomma'sgiantleakytittiesdamnnearsmotheredmetodeath!Bringmesomebooze—thehiccupierthebetter.”"Nowjustaminute,baby,"Itemporize."Inevergivehardlikkertokidswho'veneverhaditbefore.”"Oh,boss,wakeup!ThefirsttimeIgotpissedwasonDixieBellginwhenIwas7an'theyhaddasobermeupinthehorse-trough.”Yeah,well,thesweetfabricatorisnodoubtfibbingagainbutonhisownheadbeitsoIgetthelibation—atallglassofWarsawbrandycamouflagedwithaninnocuoussliceoflemonandasymboliccherryfloatingontop.Littlemugginstakesahugegulpwithoutblinkinganeye—nobriefamnesiaensueswithhimbutcertainlytheonsetofeuphoriaforhenods,smackshislips,hangsouthistongueandpants:"Wow,effendi,thassgrandpoison!Whatisit—skunkpiss?”"It'sabrandymadebyweelittleorphanboyswhogavetheirallinitsdistilling.”"Sheesh,Ibelieveit'causeitmakesmefeellikeIwun'twannatellyou!"Heemptiesthetumblerandholdsitouttome."Fill'erupagain,bwana—thassprimecrazy-juiceforsure!”"DidIhearyousay'please'?"Ihint."Noyoudint,creepo!You'resposetapleaseme'causeyou'retheonewho'sbreakin'thelawbutI'mjistainnocentlittlekidwhatdoanknowfromnuthin'aboutsexan'dirtythingslikethat!"Andcruddy-boodissolvesinagaleoftauntinglaughterathisspeciousput-down.Iseizetheglassandresentfulkitchenward,vowingrevengeforI'vebecometotallyconvincedthatKefiiswell-experiencedineverythingthatcanpossiblyhappenbetweentwomalesinbedandnaturallyIwanttogetmyshare—alwaysaparlousundertaking,ofcourse,butwhereothershavesucceeded,whyshouldIfail?(Don'tanswerthat!)Locatingadustyquartmixing-glassinacupboard,Iwashitout,throwinaquintetofcherries(it'spitiful,bytheway,thatI'mfarmorefamiliarwithbottledcherriesthanIamwithboy'dones!),brimitwithbrandy,affixseveralsugar'dlemon-slicestotherim,toteitbacktomyLie-inLovelywhoissultanlysmokingafreshjointwhichheputsbrieflyasidetograciously,unthankfullyacceptmyofferingandquaffdeeplyfromit.Vulture-eyedIwatchhimasIplaywithhissmallslenderfeet,lickinghissplayedlittlepinktoesandsuckingthemwhileIpalpitantobservehimluxuriouslysippingWarsawfoundlingsandinhalingMaryJane'sbutt.Month-longminutespassbutPatience!Soonsomething'sgottagiveandshortlysomethingdoes—thedrainedglassslipsfromtheboy'shandandhishalf-inchgrass-stubsmoldersredolentlyintheashtray.Removingboth,Iintentlyregardhim.Hisfulgentyoungbodywantonlyspreadoutformyvisualdelight,hestaresbackatmewithlack-lustereyes,astringofcrystalspittledroolingfromacornerofhisdimpledlipswhichhungrilyIkissup."Kefi!"Isaysharply."Canyouhearme?”"Huh?”

Obviouslyhecanhearmebutdoesheunderstand?Heappearstobeinastupor,neartopassing-outyetMasterDog-Collarmaybemakingsportofme,tellinglieswithhisbodyaswellashistongue.TestinghimIlookaway,takeaslowcountof10,quicklyglancebackandcatch—ordoI?—afleetingimpishtwinkleinhiseyesbeforetheybecomedullyvacantagain.PromptedbyhisoverpoweringproximityandmyAlpineerection,Iplead:"Kefi-boo,I'dlovetofuckyou!Willyouletme?”"Huh?"mumblesmyrhapsodicallittlepot-head,lostinaParadiseofhisowndevising."Huh?”NowifIwereawilyJesuitIwouldarguethatakiddywhocansay'Huh?'cansay'No!',canhenot?OfCorsican!YetI'vealwayspridedmyunspeakableselfonnevertakingaladagainsthiswill.Butwhatifladdy-booapparentlyhasnowill—whatdoIdothen?!WhatwouldZeusandGanymededoinlikecircumstance?I'daskthembutatthemomentZ&Garesoabsorbedindivine69thatneitheriscapableofspeechsoIquerytheEaglewhowasintimately,transportativelyinvolvedandhereplied:"LetyourConsciencebeyourGuide!".Hell,whatkindofasinineadviceisthat?!ConsciencefleeswhenConcupiscencerearsitslovelyhead—orsoI'vebeeninformedbytheNAACP(NationalAssociationfortheAdvancementofCopulatingPeople).Butbeware,Casimir,youoldreprobate!Breakingandenteringaminorball-bearingistrulyamostfelicitiedfelonythoughitoftenleadstofuzzontheunWelcomematbeforeyourfrontdoor!YetConsciencedemandstobeheardandwhispersintomygoodearasuggestion.TakingKefi'spenisbetweenmylipsIfellatehimuntilIfeelthefirstfaintthrobofapproachingorgasmatwhichIejecthimfrommymouthandfinishhimoffmanually,collectinghisspurtingsapinthepalmofmyhandasIsay:"ThusdidAdam'sbastardsonpleasurehisillegitimatebrothertoobtainthenecessarylubricanttoenterhimforBrotherAbelwasvirginbehindandinthoseprimevalGenesisdaystherewasnovaselineorKYorevenbaby-oiltoeasetheTrueWaythoughnowit'suniversallyacknowledgedthatfreshhotboy-comeisthemostnaturalandperfectfuck-greaseofthemall!DoyoudigwhatI'mdrivingat,sweetlad?”"Huh?"theboyslobbers,open-mouth'dgogglingatmeandIhesitate.Ishereallyvirtuallycomatoseorishethecleverlittleplay-actorputtingmeon?AndthoughImaybewishfullyhallucinating,hereI'mpositiveIdetecttheflickerofamischievoussmileonhislipssoIturnhimoverontoamoundofpillowsChickenLittlelimplyputtyinmyhands,ripeforthepluckingandwithhisownspermanointhispoutingredraspberryanuspurse-lippedforthepenilecaress.SmearingtheremainderofKefi'sslipperygooonmywildlyrearingglansIcrawloverhim,partthetautloavesandbuttmyimpatientdongagainsttheclose-claspedtenderpetalsofhisanalbudwhichslowlyopentothegentleurgingofthelover-penis,feelthetightsphinctermoistlylipmycock-headasitexpandstoadmitit,gaspastheinnermembranesgreedilysuckinmyentireshaft—andthrillinglyIrealizethatthoughmylove'sanalringisnicelyrelaxedforeasyentry,hisrectumissqueaky-tightyetexquisitelyexpansibleunderpersistentpenisphericpressure.ThisthenisHeaven!Fondfantasybecomefactbeyondmywildestwet-dreams!Stitchedtogetherinpassion,happycaptiveinmyfallenangel'shumpy-hole,Ibegintofuckhim.Howtosingthesilkofhisass-hole,thehotslickclutchingslipperinessofit!Mountingsighsfromme,thenheart-rendingmoansofpain,gruntsandgroansandbitingofknucklesfrommypartner—

followedbyanarpeggioofgigglessmotheredinthepillowashisbuttocksrisetomeetmythrusts!KefiistheArtfulDeceivertotheend.Andnowariverofmoltenrutseethesthroughmyveinstomyloins,bloodpoundsinmyhead,myvisionblursinafrenzyofboilinglustasIdrivedeepwithinmysquirmingbed-mateandwrenchinglycomeinanexplosionofvitalfluidssuchasI'veneverbeforeknown.Aftersomeblissfuldrainingminutes,theboyrollsmeoffhimandalmostfearfullyIgazeathislazily-smiling,stillpot-touchedyoungfaceashefondleshispenis,onceagainarrantlyamorous—oristhatapiss-hardverymuchwithstanding?!"Kefi?"Imutter,tornbetweenconflictingemotions."Huh?”"Enoughofthat'huh!'jazz!Youknewwhatwasgoingonallalong,didn'tyou?!”"SureIdid!YouthinkI'madopelikeyou?!”"Well,uh..."Isaylamely,"IhopeIdidn'thurtyou.”"Yourmini-meathurtme?!"theboyderides."Itonlytickled!ButI'lltellyousomething,bwana—youfuckrealneat!Imeanyouain'tthebestinthewholewideworldbutyouain'ttheworst,neither.”"AndamIthefirsttogetintoyou?AmIthat`sumbuddyspeshul'youweresavingyourtreasurefor?”Kefiveilshispolychromeeyes,thenlooksdirectlyatme."Thassformetoknowan'foryoutofindout!”"OK,butyoudolikemealittle,don'tyou?”"Why,boss,Iloveyou!Iloveyouabushelan'apeckan'more'nthat,byheck!—butyouknowwhattanawfulliarIam!”

Ifyouenjoyedthisbook,youwillwanttoreadthesetwootherDukahzfavorites:TheAsbestosDiaryInthesixteenyearssinceTheAsbestosDiaryburstintoourlives,CasimirDukahzhasestablishedhimselfastheVladimirNabokovofboy-love,theonewriteronthesubjectwhocanentertain,arouseandverynearlykillyouwithlaughterallatthesametime.Youwillfindinthisbooknowrestlingwithguilt,novisionofArmageddon.Wovenintoalove-storyisastringof"talltails",thatdistinctlyAmericaninvention—parrmyth,partexaggeration,partsatire,partlie.Casimirsuffersblackmail,mayhem,over-charging,cuckolding,competition,policebrutality,rejection—butgetsalotofloving,too,andincidentallydisprovesthefamousquoteofDr.AlbertEllisthat"boysarelousylovers".PaperbackreprintoftheoriginalAmericanedition.Pricesasofsummer,1984,includingpackingandpostage(airmailoutsideofEurope):AUS$12;OSch180;BFr450;CAN$12;DKr90;IR£7;FMk50;FFr70;Drch700;LIt13,000;Yen2500;HF125;NZ$15;NKr70;Esc1000;Rand15;Ptas1200;Skr70;SFr20;£5;US$10;DM25;MiddleEast,Cent.America,N.AfricaUS$10;AllothercountriesUS$14.ViceVersaDukahz'ssecondbook,ViceVersa,hasthesamemagicasTheAsbestosDiary.WovenamongthemanyadventurestheirrepressibleDukehaswithhisboysallovertheNorthAmericancontinentishisaccountofthecontinuing,andhumourouslydeepening,affairwith13-year-oldAmar:"Hislowclearvoice,goldenashishair,itsboyishtimbreplayingontheearlikespokenmusic.Hiseyebrows'delicatearch,thethicklashes,blackassheenedebonyandstartlingcontrasttotheamarilloflamecrowningtheyounghead.Thelargeeyeswhoseexpressionisgravebutwhosepowerisazure,almostindigo.Thesmallsharpteeth..."Theoriginal1976hard-coverAmericanColtsfootPressedition.Pricesasofsummer,1984,includingpackingandpostage(airmailoutsideofEurope):AUS$18;OSch250;BFr750;CAN$20;DKr125;IR$15;FMk75;FFr110;Drch1200;LIt23,000;Yen4000;HF140;NZ$24;NKr120;Esc1750;Rand25;Ptas2000;Skr100;SFr30;X.10;US$20;DM40;MiddleEast,Cent.America,N.AfricaUS$20;AllothercountriesUS$20.

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