i don't love you

7/30/2019 I Don't Love You

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I Dont Love You

By : Syahmy Arief bin Mustaza

I thought I told you to stay in the room? Well, Im bored mum. Sorry. Nina!

Nina! Where are you going?

That was my mum. I know. Her hobby is nagging and babbling about everything.

How my hair is wrong, how my jeans are too tight, how my shirt is too skimpy. She always

sees me as a total mistake and now she wants my respect? Not going to happen.

She left me when I was seven. It has been ten years since I saw her again. Last year,

during my birthday. I guess it is easy for her to disappear for a few years and expect me to

still have my love for her. She thinks I would be happy when shes back to fill in the hole she

had left years before. She is wrong. Shes always wrong.

The night she left my dad was almost magical. We never thought we could escape

from the most abusive person weve ever known. I really thought me and mum would live

happily together but it turns out I was wrong. She left me at the bus station. She told me

that shes going to the washroom to freshen up and I was to wait until she returned.

I waited there the whole night. Alone. Shivering in the dark. Looking at everyone that

passed in front of me. I was too scared to sleep. Just in case she didnt see me and I had to


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call her up. And the dark night turns bright. My eyes were red for not sleeping the whole

night. The bus station was crowded and I closed my eyes.

As I woke up, everything was different. The room was bright, the walls were white

and the curtains were beige. I still remember how Mama Allie came into the room to check

on me. Girl, are you okay? I saw you at the bus station. You were unconscious so, I brought

you here. This is my home. I was too young to understand her hospitality and started to

cry. I yelled and cried until I lost my voice and all my tears had dried.

Mama Allie was so patient. She brought me food but I threw it on the floor. She

smiled. She smiled at times regular people dont. That was when I realized she really loved

me. And I did too. I stopped throwing tantrums and immediately hugged her. She touched

my face and told me that Im pretty when Im smiling. She showed me love. Something that

I never felt before.

That afternoon, she took me to the mall. She bought me beautiful dresses and

anything that I wanted. Then we had dinner at a restaurant. As we were heading back

home, she suddenly remembered something and dragged me back into the mall. I was too

tired that I almost started my tantrums when we reached an instant photo booth. Well, I

was amused because I had never seen it before. We left our shopping bags outside and got

in the booth. We took a lot of pictures together. Most of it looked ridiculous but it was fun.

Mama Allie took the pictures and kept it inside her purse and we went home laughing.

That was the early days and every day with her got better with time. But good things

wouldnt last forever. So people say. Mama Allie started feeling under the weather. She


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wasnt as active as she was before and her red lips started to turn pale. Every time I asked

her she would always say, Nina, youre sucha granny. And shed laugh. She passed away a

week before my 17th

birthday.

I cried every night but no one was there to comfort me. Mama Allie was gone. God

loves her more, so they say. I missed her so much that I would sleep with her clothes on and

put our first pictures under my pillow. Ill talk to her photo as if she was there to listen.

When I realized it was only my imagination, I continued crying myself to sleep.

On my 17th

birthday, a woman came up the door asking for Mama Allie. She was

messy. Her hair was all over the place and she looked like she didnt bath for days. I told her

Mama Allie had passed away. Her face crumpled and she started to break down and cry. I

was surprised. A stranger is crying in front of my door. Great.

Without a sign, she hugged me and said, Nina, Nina, you must be Nina. And started

kissing my cheeks. I was stunned and shocked. I pushed her away a little too hard. She fell

on the floor but she was laughing. I was seriously considering about slamming the door on

her and call the police for help when she said, I am your mother Nina. Your REAL mother.

Her words felt like someone took a bazooka fire it directly into my heart. The

memories of sitting alone at the bus station played back immediately. I cried as I remember

how terrified I was. I looked away from her and wiped away my tears. I unwillingly invited

her in. I told her to have a shower and gave her Mama Allies clothes.


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I let her stay. That was the biggest mistake I have ever made. Now she is trying to

play mum with me. My mother is Mama Allie. No one can take her place, not even my REAL

mother. She could never have my respect more than Mama Allie. Mum, Im sorry. You were

never there when I needed you the most and it was you who had caused me all this pain.

i don't love you

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