humerus mag

7/29/2019 Humerus Mag

1/20

Just Play ing With Y o ur F unny B o neJust Playing With Your Funny BoneHow do you

like thisBhatt shot,

Mr .... ?

SunnyLeoneExplored!Page 2

SunnyLeoneExplored!Page 2MS DhoniExtrapolated!Page 4MS DhoniExtrapolated!Page 4FacebookDefaced!Page 7FacebookDefaced!Page 7

CelebritiesCerebralized!Page 19Celebrities

Cerebralized!Page 19

IndependenceIndividualizedPage 18

IndependenceIndividualized

Page 18

Sherlyn Chopra,Poonam Pandey,& Rozlyn KhansUltimate Fantasy!Page 20

Sherlyn Chopra,

Poonam Pandey,& Rozlyn KhansUltimate Fantasy!

Page 20

Fool FrontalMag CoversPage 10Fool FrontalMag CoversPage 10

THE PORNOFICATION

OF THE INDIAN MAINSTREAM

THE PORNOFICATIONOF THE INDIAN MAINSTREAM

UNCOVER STORY

Use of HumourIn US ElectionsPage 12Use of HumourIn US ElectionsPage 12

Do-It-YourselfBollywood ScriptsPage 8Do-It-Yourself

Bollywood ScriptsPage 8

OLYM-PICSPage 16OLYM-PICSPage 16

EUM USEHUM USRUM USEHUM USR

AProposalFor

AHumourMagazine

BySurajitRoysurajitroy

[email protected]

+919709238848


2/20

HindustanTimesOf India

Sunny LeoneLeaves India,Returns Home

UnprecedentedHeat Wave

All Over IndiaFinally Ends

Uninhibited FDI In Showbiz Sunsex Rises To All-Time HighThe Indian Summer of life should be a little Sunny... - Henry Adams

Karenjit Kaur Vohra, aka USbased Indo-Canadian adultactress Sunny Leone, wasgiven a warm farewell by herardent Indian fans and asso-

The hot sunny days and the hotsultry nights of the recent past aregone for now. A very strongwesterly wind had taken controlof the Indian subcontinent,generating a lot of heat that the

Indian population had neverexperienced before. Such was theoverwhelming widespread effectof this heat that the Indian mediahad gone berserk talking aboutthis heat wave in graphic detail,with visuals of the hot hot sun tomake readers and viewersexperience the sunny weather andthe heat from close quarters, andin the process heating up theirown readership and viewershipfigures.

shoot ing for her f i r s tBollywood feature film Jism2 - a far cry from her daysshooting for gism in the US,and bagging a role in another

Q: What's thesimilaritybetween Sunny Deoland Sunny Leone?

A: They both shout alot in their movies!

If Abhay Deolmarries Sunny Leone,she would becomeSunny Deol!

One day a teacherasks little Johnnyabout the soundsmadeby various animals.Teacher: Johnny,What sound doesa dog make?Johnny: Bow-Wow.Teacher: Good. Cat?Johnny: Meow-Meow.Teacher: Very Good.Lion?Johnny: Aah Aah Aah

Aaah Oh Yeah...Teacher: I said Lion,

not Leone!

Quotable QuoteInterviewer:Whats the differencebetween hungry and horny?Sunny Leone:IT DEPENDS ON WHEREI PUT THE CARROT!

Q: What's thedifferencebetweenBollywoodStarlets& SunnyLeone?

A: What Sunnydoes aftergettingthe role, thestarletshave to dobeforegetting the

role!

Biggest Joke: The person doing research forthis section on the internet was looking at the jokes

only and nothing else!

My son feels Sunny Leone willmake a good bahu. If anything,her profiles on http://naukri.comand http://shaadi.com will bethe same!

Sunny Leone's Favourite 'Things'

Favourite Colour: BlueFavourite Bird: SwallowFavourite Animals: Cat & DonkeyFavourite Food: DaalFavourite Book: DictionaryFavourite Singer: Hard Kaur Favourite Song: Hum tum ek camera mein band hoFavourite Game: Poker Favourite Residence: PenthouseFavourite City: MangaloreFavourite Country: BangladeshFavourite Mountain: Nanga ParwatFavourite Planet: UranusFavourite Sunsign: LibraFavourite Cosmetic: LipstickFavouri te Dress: [Not Appl icable]Musical Instrument: Mouth Organ

Advertising Slogan: Have I Made It Large?Favourite Producer: Ronnie Screwvala

Favourite Industry: Show business

Comedy is the best remedy.And so, heres your monthly dose of the best medicine in the world. After all, who doesnt want a funny bone worth showing off?

Talking of funny bones (and yes, this IS a funny bone talking!) what almost perfectly rhymes with funny bone? The answer is all over the first3 pages of this publication!

Unlike Shakespeare who professed neither rhyme nor reason, we believe there is a very strong reason for this rhyme - for the Indianinvasion of Only Unseen (anagram) has led to hitherto Only Unheard X-Rated jokes suddenly becoming quite acceptable in all popularmedia. Apart from, of course, Only Unseen pictures and Only Untalked topics being dished out for general consumption.

Lets continue our investigation into this rampant revolution in the Indian sunsibili... sensibility with a look at the newspaper headlines.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up,all our irritation and resentments slip away, and a Sunny spirit takes their place.

- Mark Twain

Humor inspired by Sunny Leonefrom the World Wide Web

www. .comWorldWideWit

Sunny Daze


3/20

If Bollywood Hits Are Remade With Sunny Leone

Sunny Leone has already done a movie sequel - Jism 2, and bagged another -Ragini MMS - the sequel may very well be called Ragini MMF! And in the nearfuture there will be many famous Bollywood movies whose sequels & remakesshe will feature in. And we can only imagine what the movies will look like:


4/20

ALL OUT!

With the rapid rise in the brand value of the Raja of Ranchi - MS Dhoni, almostevery brand in the country is trying to cash in on his popularity by making himtheir brand ambassador. And the day is not far off when it will actually becomeevery brand in the country - when literally every advertisement will featureDhoni! And heres what we think the advertisements will look like:

BEFORE AFTER

Much More Than The Asking Rate

The Future Is Indefinite...Anything Can Happen!

You Should Prepared For Every EventualityBe

Ad Infinitum


5/20

When Dhoni Appears InAds For Every Product!

Even For The Most AttackingBatsman in The World...

Defence Is Very Important!Join The INDIAN

ARMYAnd Bring The Nation Glory

THE COOLEST ONE

Guess

Who

Helps

Captain

CoolStay

Cool?

MediaCanYour

D r isto t

Image

Asia's leading sports marketing, media and event management company

Well give you

the best image.

And, the biggest price tag!

The More You Earn, The More We Earn! Match Fixing Is Our Speciality


6/20

Shooting All The Time Can Affect Your Game...

Keep Playing!

3 Mantras of His Success...

Train TrainTrain

Issued in public interest by:

Dhonis First Employer

Indian Railway

Keeping Track Of The

Under The Method

Can Be &

Required Run Rate

Duckworth-Lewis

Confusing Frustrating

But Not If You Use FromSoftware

MS Dhoni.Microsoft Dhoni.

MS Dhoni.

The best thing

to happen

to Cricket

before

Poonam Pandey!

The best thing

to happen

to Men

since Women!


7/20

Prem Pratap Patiyalawala

This is my first status update in 23 min 15 sec.I was feeling so lonely... :-(

Like Comment Ignore June 13 at 4:20 am

Abdul Peter Iyengar

Its hard to be funny when you have to be clean.- Mae WestLike Comment LOL June 17 at 00:00 am

You and like this.Mae West

Prem Pratap Patiyalawala

Red is the roseBlue is the violet

When I need inspirationI go to the toilet!

Like Comment Flush June 22 at 7:00 am sharp

22 people flushed this.

Prem Pratap Patiyalawala Tyvm! Guess where Iwas when inspiration struck and I composed this?

June 22 at 8:04 am Like

Surpanakha SarpotdarI think I can guess - andthats why the poem stinks

June 22 at 9:59 am Like

Abdul Peter IyengarAmazing! Crap comes out

of you from both ends...June 22 at 8:03 am Like

Surpanakha Sarpotdar

I just soooo hate the new Facebook Timeline!!!It should be called Crimeline! :P

Like Comment Abuse March 19 at 00:01 am

51 people abused this.

Surpanakha SarpotdarSure why not :-)

March 19 at 9:35 am Like

Surpanakha SarpotdarYa... lets meet tonighton FacebookMarch 19 at 9:55 am Like

Abdul Peter Iyengar... been a long Time since yougave me some Line? How about a date tonight?

March 19 at 9:25 am Like

Abdul Peter IyengarIts a DATE!


8/20

How To Write Your OwnBollywood Film Story

How To Write Your OwnBollywood Film Story

Set in ____1____, the story begins in ____2____, where our hero is____3____. One day, while he is ____4____, he meets the heroinewho is a ____5____. Soon they fall in love, and go to ____6____ todance and sing a song. But the path of true love is obstructed by thegirl's ____7____, who wants the girl to marry ____8____. The boyand girl decide to ____9____. Then there's an item number

____10____ featuring ____11____. And that's when the villain,who is ____12____, enters the picture. He decides to ____13____.The boy and girl come to know of this plan, the villain comes toknow that the boy and girl have come to know of his plans, and theboy and girl are soon ____14____. Just when the boy and girl areabout to ____15____, at the very last possible moment, they arerescued by ____16____, with the help of ____17____. Soon,everybody gives in to the lovers wishes, and finally there is a happyending, with everybody ____18____.

Instructions:Just fill the blanks in the draft with any of the options you like from the box of the samenumber, and your script is ready. Yes, it's that easy.Warning:This works only for commercial cinema. For art movies/parallel cinema, you'll have tothink out of the box, meaning you'll have to fill the blanks with options from boxesdifferently numbered.Notes:

18Our data processing department figures that this template can be used to make 10 =1,000,000,000,000,000,000 different stories.Our research department reports that 12,345 movies have already been made fromstories created using this.

Our accounts department calculates that 999,999,999,999,987,655 more stories remainto be made from this.Happy Plotting!

You may be surprised to know, it may even come as a shock, but it's a fact that everyBollywood movie has a story! It may not always be apparent, it may not always be thestarting point, it may not always be one of the more important aspects of filmmaking, butthere IS a story. There always is a story. There just has to be a story. Otherwise, who willthey give the award for the best story of the year at all the film awards? Now how thisstory is created is another story altogether. Also, how does Bollywood produce so many

movies every year? And why do all the stories appear so similar to each other? All thatis ready to be revealed. As a special scoop only for readers ofHumerus, we bring youthe secret template that is used to concoct all Bollywood film stories. It started as asecret document whose copies were found only in the secret vaults of all the leadingfilm producers. With technological progress, it became a computer program found inthe laptops of all Bollywood biggies, password protected of course. But now the hackshave been hacked by the hackers and the secret is out! By just using this fragment ofthe story writing program (called PlottingPaper 4.20) you will finally know:

script ease


9/20

1the pastthe presentthe futurethe past, present & futurethe British period

the prehistoric erathe Mahabharata agethe Emergency yearsRaja Bhojs reigna timeless dream sequence

2a villagea railway stationJhumritilaiyaNew DelhiNew York

a jungle in Kenyaunder the oceanouter spacea computer gamethe movie theatre

3a common mana policemana pickpocketa terrorist with amnesiaan unemployed youth

a romantic foolan extra in moviesa student of astrophysicsan aliena robot

4looking for a jobdancing with his friendstaking his dog for a walkshopping for potatoesteasing a girl

chasing a thugstealing stolen diamondsfighting an intergalactic warchatting on the internetdoing nothing at all

5teenagercollege teacherdetectives assistantbar dancerrejected lover

door-to-door salesgirlroyal princesssupermodeltime travelermermaid

6a discothequethe swimming poolthe Kumbh MelaKashmirKanyakumariKodaikanalSwitzerlandDisneylandNo mans landa space station near Pluto

16

sing a sad songget married, but not toeach other

jump off a cliffpay a ransom of Rs 350get killed by the villainexplode with a bangget converted into

anti-matterdrown in an ocean of tearskill each otherreveal the secret for writing

Bollywood film stories

17

the policethe armyfriends from collegekids trained in martial arts1000 cats and dogsthe earths gravitational

forcethe villains good sidethe villains ex-wifethoughts waves from

another galaxyan iPhone

18

singing the national anthemdancing to wedding songstaking part in a fancy dress

contestplaying kabaddiexchanging email Idsgoing on a picnic to Andamangoing on a picnic to the moondancing to a song added at

the last momentpraying for box-office successpromising to come back in

the sequel

7motherelder brotherstepfatherdistant relativeservant

bodyguardprivate tutorex-boyfriendevil twinhusband from a past life

8a petty thiefa roadside Romeoa crooked accountanta very fat mana beggar

a Dona Dons sona Dons fathera tree

Anyone except the hero

9elope and marrylive togetheradopt 25 kidsenter a dance contestset up a detective agency

start a political partystop a world wargo around the world in a

balloonhave a lovers fightgenerally have a ball

10on a bus/train/ship/planein a nightclubin a gangsters denat the beachat a beauty contest

during an Indo-Pak ODIduring a wrestling matchin a dance reality showin a flashbackon YouTube

13kidnap the heroinemarry the heroinewear the heroines dressesstart a warblow up the whole earth

on Diwalimake 1,000,000,000 clones

of himselfassassinate a world leaderreplace Bigg Bossstart a trade union for

filmi villainsalso do the heros role

14in deep troublein deep debtcaptured by the villainseparated from each otherturned into human bombsturned into evil avatarshypnotized by the villainhaunted by ghastly ghostsleft to die in a black holein danger of the film

flopping

15an underpaid journalista drunkard policemanan international spytheboys faithful servantthe girls physical trainertheir next-door bhabhia naughty newsreadera witch with a heartsome random strangera film critic

11Malaika AroraRakhi Sawantany pretty foreigner

a top star worth Rs 25 cra struggler who does it for freea hero in a girls get upthe current Miss Worlda former Miss Palampurthe producers girlfrienda computer generated

3d model

12an underworld Bhaia corrupt politicianan enemy army chief

a runaway lunatica freak scientista religious fanatican Olympic boxerthe heroines long

lost brotherthe heros lookalikea computer virus


10/20

Imaginary CoverENTERTAINMENT FOR MEN

If Indians Appeared OnThe Covers Of MagazinesAll Over The World

If Indians Appeared OnThe Covers Of MagazinesAll Over The World

The two biggest issues facing the country right now arethe issue of Time magazine in which Manmohan Singhappeared, and the issue of Playboy magazine in whichSherlyn Chopra will appear. Making us wonder what itwould be like if more Indian celebrities appeared on coversof international magazines. Wonderful, we think, it will be:

TRUEROMANCERUEROMANCE

WE WERE HEADED ON ACOALITION COURSE...LIFE IS JUST ONE PARTY... AFTER ANOTHER!

SENSEX

MAKE SE THESEN OF

IN SEN STEPS8 SATIONAL !

My dad - an EconomicsNoble Prize Winner

2nd & 3rd Generation Artists

www.AmartyaSen.com

The Universe At Her Feet

Rima, Rimi, Raima...Whats In A Name?

WHATS WORTH WATCHING

Yoga Show HostBaba RamdevTHE

GOGETTERGURUJust An Anorexic CrossdresserTheres Much More To Him Than

Why We Can Never MakeA Movie Like This

And Why We Never Should

Extra Cover


11/20

Finally, heres whatwe think will happen

if the two issues westarted with - Timemagazine & Playboy- decided to combineforces and produce ajoint effort - SherlynChopra on the coverof Time Magazine:

Post IPL:

SRK Goes Wild

Washing Dirty LinenWashing Dirty LinenAMAZING NEW TECHNIQUES

What,MeMarry?Sonakshi SinhaTasty New Dish From India

NITA AMBANIOwns Indias Swankiest Penthouse

LIFE ON TOP

Mr.FixIt?

SPECIAL CRICKET ISSUE

How To Build Your Own Tax Shelter

THEUNDER ACHIEVEREAR

India needs a playmate.Is Playboy Model Sherlyn Chopra

up to the job?


12/20

The day is fast coming when, once again, the people of the United

States will make a mistake that they will regret for the next four years.

Yes, its election time in America!

With the US elections just three months away, a new(?) phenomenon

in electioneering media and methods is surfacing. Just look at this

joke going around the internet with people aggressively passing it

around:

A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when hesees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the liongrabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside toslaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker

jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square onthe nose with a powerful punch.Whimpering from the pain, the lion

jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to herterrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watchedthe whole event.The reporter addressing the Harley rider says,'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man doin my whole life.'The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing,really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in dangerand acted as I felt right.'The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure thiswon't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's

paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you dofor a living and what political affiliation do you have?'The bikerreplies, I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.The journalistleaves.The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if itindeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front

page:"U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT ANDSTEALS HIS LUNCH... And THAT pretty much sums up themedia's approach to the news these days

Or this one, from the same pedigree.

The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither theRepublican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enoughvotes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting, courtchallenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemedthe sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caughtthe most fish at the end of the week would win the election.Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishingcontest between the two candidates to determine the winner. Aftermuch of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contesttake place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota. Therewere to be no observers present, and both men were to be sentout separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with theircatch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties.

At the end of the first day, John McCain returned to the startingline and he had ten fish. Soon, Obama returned and had no fish.Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' dayor something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day John McCain came in with 20 fish andObama came in again with none.That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama andsaid, "Obama, I think John McCain is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother withfishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating."The next night (after John McCain returns with 50 fish), Harry saidto Obama, "Well, tell me, how is John McCain cheating?"Obama replied, "Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he'scutting holes in the ice".

And finally, this masterpiece:

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some AmericanHistory. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright

foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up:"Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

The journalist will remain a journalist

Presidential Contest

Little Akio

"Very good! -- Who said, 'Government of the People, by thePeople, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"

Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln,1863.""Excellent!" said the teacher continuing, "Let's try one a bitmore difficult -- Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do foryou, but what you can do for your country'?"

Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said:"John F. Kennedy, 1961."The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should beashamed of yourselves, Little Akio isn't from this country and heknows more about our history than you do."She heard a loud whisper: "#&@% the Japs.""Who said that? -- I want to know right now!? she angrilydemanded.Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke.'The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right! -- Now who saidthat?"

Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese PrimeMinister, 1991."Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Just $&@% it!"

Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts tothe teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little $#%& --If you say anything else -- I'll kill you!"Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "MichaelJackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher onthe floor, someone said, "Oh $#%&, We're $@%ed!"Little Akio said quietly, "The American people, after BarrackObama's election

Now, would it be too presumptuous to logically conclude that the

Republican Party has hired professional gag-writers to conceive such

anti-Democratic jokes specifically designed for going viral on the

internet? Considering the abysmal writing standards of most stuff that

goes around the net, the perfect grammar, spelling and punctuationin these stories, as well as the high standard of the humor and the

joke structure all are giveaway signs of the professional touch.

Now lets see what the Democrats have lined up in retaliation:

While walking down the street one day, a Republican head ofstate is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives inheaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance."Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, itseems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official aroundthese parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.""No problem, just let me in." says the Republican."Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll dois have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then youcan choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says theRepublican head of state."I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escortsthe Republican to the elevator and he goes down, down, down toHell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of agreen golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in frontof it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked withhim, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run togreet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they hadwhile getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendlygame of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present isthe Devil (a Republican, too), who really is a very friendly guywho has a good time dancing and telling jokes.They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is

time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while theelevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens

Republicans in Hell

www. .comWorldWideWitHumor inspired by the US Elections

from the World Wide Web

The Jokes On U.S.


13/20

on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him."Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with theRepublican head of state joining a group of contented soulsmoving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. Theyhave a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours havegone by and St. Peter returns."Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven.Now choose your eternity."He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, Iwould never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful,but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he isin the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and

putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the Republicanand lays an arm on his neck."I don't understand," stammers the Republican head of state.Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club andwe ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Nowall there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends lookmiserable.The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we werecampaigning. Today you voted for us!"

And these two somewhat similar ones:

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street whenthey came to a homeless person. The Republican gave thehomeless person his business card and told him to come to hisbusiness for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocketand gave it to the homeless person.The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came toanother homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over tothe homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office.He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave thehomeless person fifty dollars.Now you understand the difference between Republicans andDemocrats

A first grade teacher in the Midwest is explaining to her class thatshe is a Republican and how nice it is that a new Republican

president has taken office. She asks her students to raise theirhands if they, too, are Republicans and support George Bush.Everyone in class raises their hands except one little girl. "Mary,"says the teacher with surprise, "why didn't you raise your hand?"Because I'm not a Republican," says Mary. "Well, what are you?"asks the teacher. "I'm a Democrat and proud of it," replies thelittle girl. The teacher cannot believe her ears. "My goodness,Mary, why are you a Democrat?" she asks. "Well, my momma and

papa are Democrats, so I'm a Democrat, too." "Well," says theteacher in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be aDemocrat. You don't always have to be like your parents. What ifyour momma was a criminal and your papa was a criminal, too,

what would you be then?" Mary smiled. "Then we'd beRepublicans."

Quite obviously, the Democratic jokes are not in the same class as

the Republican jokes. Making us wonder whether the Democratic

Party is taking the new medium of online humour as seriously as the

Republicans are. Or maybe, the Republicans saw a bigger

opportunity in the scope for anti-Democratic jokes thanks to Clinton

and Obamas misadventures.

Also, its a lot easier to make jokes about incumbents who have been

in the spotlight and limelight for four years, rather than the non-

entities that make up the Republican mix. In fact, like in the jokes

above, the anti-Republican jokes are more intended at the

Republican party in general, and their orthodox and conservative

nature, rather than at the candidate in particular. Another observation

is that the propaganda in the guise of humour being posted on pro-Democratic forums are less originally created, and more dependent

Difference Between Republicans &Democrats

Proud To Be A Democrat

on the humour from leading newspapers, magazines, websites and

late night TV shows, where the butt of the jokes happen to be the

Republican candidate/s or Party.

Like these:

And some jokes from the late night TV show hosts, the f lagbearers of

contemporary American humour:

''Well, the presidential race is getting interesting. In an effort toclear up his reputation as a flip-flopper, Mitt Romney will give aspeech on health care. And then, right afterward, he'll give a five-minute rebuttal.''Jay Leno

"Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won the New Hampshireprimary last night. See, this is proof that even the multimillionaireson of a multimillionaire can beat the odds and run for president ofthe United States."Jay Leno

''Mitt Romney has begun vetting his vice presidential candidates.This is a tough thing because they want to appeal to theRepublican base. They want a strong conservative there, butsomeone who will not upstage Mitt Romney. So the search is onfor a strong conservative in a coma.''Bill Maher

''During a speech on Friday, Mitt Romney told students that if theywant to go to college or start a business, they should just borrowmoney from their parents. That should work fine as long as your

parents are Mitt and Ann Romney.''Jimmy Fallon

''Experts are predicting that in the first Republican debate, Mitt

Romney will face his fiercest ideological opponent: himself fromfour years ago.''Conan O'Brien


14/20

''Mitt Romney gets a lot of criticism because he's kind of stiff, he'ssort of cold, he's sort of aloof. And I thought, 'Well, wait a minute.Let's look at the bright side of this.' Mitt Romney is an inspirationto kids all over this country who sadly were born without a

personality.''David Letterman

"Apparently a large branch of Mitt Romneys family lives in Mexico.... His grandfather in the late 1800s moved his whole family toMexico to avoid being prosecuted for polygamy. ... Mitt can usethat to show that hes tough on immigration. His family kickedthemselves out of the country."Jimmy Kimmel

Well, when several shows have to come up with jokes every night

about someone without a personality, they are bound to getsomewhat repetitive. Luckily, theres no such issue when it comes to

panning the Democrats and Obama!

''That's pretty amazing, Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize.Ironically, his biggest accomplishment as president so far: winningthe Nobel Peace Prize.''Jay Leno

"President Obama has revealed his new re-election slogan 'Forward.' That's a good message for Obama. He's telling voters,'Whatever you do, don't look back at all those campaign promisesI made.'"Jay Leno

"President Obama released his tax returns. It turns out he made$900,000 less in 2011 then he did in 2010. You know what thatmeans? Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama."Jay Leno

"One by one the Republican candidate potentials have beenshooting themselves in the foot making huge, horrible gaffes andthey just look silly. It's gotten so bad that President Obama is nowworried he may actually be re-elected."David Letterman

"A man jumped the White House fence, but after a brief chase, theSecret Service was able to talk President Obama into comingback and finishing his term."Conan O'Brien

"Rush Limbaugh said yesterday that Obama never would havetracked down bin Laden if it weren't for George W. Bush's policies.

Although in fairness, Obama never would have even been electedif it werent for George W. Bush's policies."Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama escalated the war in Afghanistan, he sent theNavy in to shoot at pirates in the Indian Ocean, and now he'sattacking Libya. It's like he took the Nobel Peace Prize as an

insult."Jimmy KimmelSelecting the jokes to include in the section above was like having to

choose Indias two ODI openers from Sachin Tendulkar, Virendra

Sehwag and Gautam Gambhir. Once Obamas honeymoon in the

White House got over, he has given so much fodder to the US

humorists that they never missed Clinton. Or Monica Lewinsky! In fact

Monicas entry into the US political spectrum had much the same

effect as Sunny Leones recent grand entry into the Indian mainstream

has had opening the floodgates for jokes hitherto considered too

risqu.

Coming back to Obama & Co, the cartoonists too have made full use

of the Obamadness, much as the TV show hosts have:

So that completes the picture. But no discussion of humour in the US

elections can be complete without a mention of Vermin L. Supreme,

full name Vermin Skippy Lou Love Supreme (obviously an assumed

name) an American performance artist, anarchist and activist who is

known for running as an alternative candidate in various local, state,

and national elections in the United States. His whole campaign is

built around humour and ridicule, verging on the ridiculous. Supreme

is known for wearing a boot shaped hat and carrying a large

toothbrush.

Supreme's vision of anarchism holds no need for government, but

also depends on citizens to take responsibility for themselves and for

others, citing "mutual aid and support and care to our fellow citizens"

as key elements. To reach that end, Supreme called for a gradual

dismantling of the government, while citizens take up the slack. He

asserted that Americans do not know anymore how to be citizens,

placing some of the blame on schools that teach in "very twisted and

jingoistic fashion".

Democrat

In 2000, Supreme proclaimed himself the "Emperor of the New

Millennium". He has been doing so ever since and it has become a

focal point of his presidential campaigns. Supreme is currentlycampaigning as a in the 2012 U.S. presidential election.


15/20

Vermin Supreme

His 4-point manifesto says:

1. Mandatory toothbrushing with detention facilities for those whodont brush.

2. Requiring all Americans to give up a kidney.

3. A pony for every American (which will also act as a mandatory ID).

4. Harnessing the awesome power of zombies to create alternativeenergy. He describes his "joke humor" campaign as a response tothe lies people are fed by the media and the government.

All we can say is the world needs more Vermin Supremes. And less of

the other kind.

To round things off, you dont really have to take sides to have fun at

the expense of the US presidential election and candidates. You can

have a lot of fun as a neutral,

:-)

maybe even more fun

Optimist:Lifeissexy!

Pessimist:Lifeisasexually

transmitteddisease!!

Rosesarered,

Violetsareblue.Somepoemsrhyme... Thisonedoesnt

AdoptionisaLabourSavingDeviceA Gigolo is a Fee-Male

ReadA

Sandpaper...

Itsanexcellentworkoffriction!

Arc

him

ed

es

wasa

prodig

yi

ni

nf

ancy

and

an

expert

in

bu

oyancy

!

INDIA

HASTH

E

BESTG

OVERN

MENT

THAT

MONE

YCAN

BUY

WhywillPrinceCharlesneverbecomeKing?

BecausethesonneversitsontheBritishEmpire!

Knock! Knock!Whos there?Ya!Ya who?Chahe Koi MujheJunglee Kahe!

Avoidw

atershor

tage-

diluteth

ewater

Abortionisoetusinterruptus

TheEnergyCrisis:

YouCantFuel

AllThePeopleAllTheT

ime

Mondaysaretheworstwaytospend1/7of yourlife

MakeLove

NotPariWar

Coming Soon:PrematureEjaculation

Wall & Street Journal


16/20

LYM- !ICS

All this running at this age is tough on me! Makes me feelless like Mr. Bean... And more like Mr. Has-Been!I can remember when I used toown all these countries!

Now I can tell my grandchildren,I was that girl in blue pants!

Yes! I have now won more medals than a country of 1.2 billionpeople have managed to win in their entire Olympic history!

This is the real Agneepath of 2012!Beware of imitations!

Citius Altius Hilarious

Uh oh... Did I just hear a crack???


17/20

Dont get any funny ideas! The only thingfunny here is the camera angle!

I was too fat and too lazy to go to the gym...So they made me a weightlifter!

- Whos winning? Whats the score?- Who cares?!

They said success tasted sweet...I just broke a tooth!

Choke De India!

My next target is an Oscar!

Oh no! You forgot your deo again!


18/20

An August occasion

A Humerus Look At WhatIndependence Day AndFreedom Mean To The

Average Indian

A Humerus Look At WhatIndependence Day AndFreedom Mean To The

Average Indian15th August is a very welcome holiday,more so if it falls on a Friday or aMonday, giving us an extended weekend.And in years when 15th August is on a

Saturday, meaning a national waste of aholiday, I have half a mind to become aPakistani for a year, so that I cancelebrate independence day on 14thAugust and get a 3 day weekend!- Mili Julie Sarkar(Government Employee)

Freedom? You mean 1947 and allthat hoo-ha? Its cool man! I dig thefreedom thing! I have full freedom,you know what, to choose my owngirlfriend and my own mobilephone - its like wow - since I neednew models of both every 3months! But, man, now that I thinkof it, maybe it wouldnt be so bad if

the British were still around... whatwith all those firang chicks all overthe place to hit on at every darnedopportunity! Wow man wow!- Roadside Rathore(College Student)

Independence Day is awonderful occasion for thewhole nation to sit back and

reflect on how our freedomwas won, the sacrifices ofnumerous individuals andfamilies that went intoachieving it. It was my greatfortune to have been a partof this great movement.Also, its time for us to seehow much we haveachieved in these 65wonderful years, and howthe current government

continues to over-achieveand take us towardscomplete freedom of everyform for every Indian.Making me believe thatevery drop of blood, sweatand tear our freedom costhas been worth it.- Prabhat Feriwala(Freedom Fighter)PS: If I dont say this every year,my pension will get cancelled.

Oh, you mean we are a freecountry? I didnt know it. No onetold me...

-Karma

(Bonded Labourer)Karna

How can I forget15th August? Afterall, its the birthday

of Mrs MelindaGates, the wife ofBill Gates!- PC Chiplekar(Programmer)

I love the discounts we get at most shops during

Independence Day. I mean, whats the big use of

getting freedom if we dont get anything for free?

- Mani Baig(Housewife)

India is a free country,

right? So, I have the

freedom to say: no, I dont

want to take part in this

stupid, meaningless anduseless survey, right? I

have better things to do

with my free time...

- Azad Jeevan

(Unemployed Youth)

Independence Daymeans having towrite another essayon what

Independence Dayand Freedom meanto you as anIndian... Groan!- Vidya Jalan(School Student)

Oh, its Augustagain? Time tobring out thespeech I have been

using 10 timesevery 15 August forthe last 20 years,and my dad for 25years before that!

- MP Khare

(Politician)

God! When will the speech end?Theres Gadar on TV at 11 am!


19/20

What You Are Most Unlikely To Hear From These Celebrities

No Madam Ji, I dont thinkthats a good idea...

I am really enjoying being outof the limelight. I never likedthe constant media attention.

I am feeling very hungry!

I think Im getting too old forthis kind of thing

Can someone tell me where Ican buy a nice gun?

Salman & Vivek called up tocongratulate me

Just chill!

Nothing interesting happenedtoday

I love Shoaib Akhtar!

I felt so embarrassed!

Boost is the secret of my energy!

SHUDDH HINDI!

You see, dear, it is not true that woman was made from man's rib; she was really made from his funny bone-James Matthew Barrie (creator of Peter Pan)

THE BOTTOM LINE

SILLYBRITIES

THE last item thats contrived to include a sexy pic of a hottie

Deepika Padukone in Cocktail

When the hot movie stills of the leading actress in a skimpy bikini start doing the rounds eight monthsbefore the movie is released, you begin to search for double meanings in the name of the movie!


20/20

What more do I have to do to make itto the next cover ofHumerus?!

Youverywell

k

humerus mag

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