How modern society disconnects us from our youth, and what we must do about it

Conversations at the Royal, Thu, Mar 21, 2013

7-7:40 pm talk | 7:40-8 pm questions

Dr. Michael Cheng | Dr. Marjorie Robb Children’s Hospital of Eastern Ontario (CHEO)

Disclaimer

• This is a general discussion about mental health • It is not to be interpreted as specific advice in a specific

situation• Every situation is unique and requires advice to be tailored

and adapted to that situation • If you are looking for advice about a specific situation or

child/youth with mental health issues, speak with a health professional!

Learning Objectives

• By the end of this presentation, participants will be aware that:– Strong attachments/connections are necessary (but not

necessarily sufficient) for mental health and resiliency– Modern society weakens attachments between

children/youth and adults, which contributes to mental health and behavioural problems

– What we can do as parents, professionals and society to (re)build our attachments with our children/youth

Britney’s Story• Background

– 17-yo female who is having thoughts of suicide

– Living with her mother; parents separated; no contact with father

– Gr. 12 student• Current resources

– Seeing a therapist once weekly for 2-months with no improvement

• Symptoms – Depressed for past few months– Triggering stress

• Boyfriend (of past year) broke up with her

Today’s youth are struggling…

• Mental health issues (e.g. depression, anxiety, suicide rates up 3-4X since 1960’s)

• Behaviour problems (e.g. bullying, drug use) -- youth crime up 300% since the 60’s

• Narcissism and lack of empathy (Twenge, 2011)

DepressionAnxietySuicide

Behaviour problems

Why are today’s youth so vulnerable?

Q. Why do young children tend to be happier than older children?

A. Young children are happy because if all goes well, all their needs are met… Its easier with young children!

Possible needs… • Hug?• Reassurance?• Food? • Nap? • Diaper change?

When you consistently meet a child’s needs Emotional security

View of world: “World is a safe place… I can trust others…”

View of self: “I feel better, thus I am competent…”

Ainsworth; Bowlby

Attachment is the single most important ‘resiliency’ factor for mental health

• Resiliency– Ability to overcome adversity is known as

“resiliency”– Not everyone exposed to stresses develops

problems; many in fact, will thrive… – Secure attachments to caregivers and

nurturing adults are the most important source of resilience (Bowlby, 1940; Ainsworth, 1979; Schore, 2001; Neufeld, 2004)

Q. What happens to parent-child attachments as children get older?A. They often weaken….

Young child Teenager

If our children/youth are turning away from parents, to whom are they turning instead?

Peers, technology, and material things

Child Parent

Peers

Neufeld, 2005

Technologyand Things

Q. Why is it a problem for children/youth to turn to peers, technology and material things as their primary attachments?

A. Peers / things cannot meet your core emotional needs… • Peers /things are conditional

• Friendships come and go / peers are still maturing and changing / Your BFF one day can be your worst enemy the next…

• Only parents are unconditional • Only parents can reliably provide emotional support,

acceptance and validation

Normal vs abnormal peer orientation…

• Some peer orientation is normal. • Friends and social skills are good • But when a teen’s mental health

is dependent on their peers, and when a child’s moods and suicidal ideation hinges upon relationships with peers, then this is a problem…

Orchid children are particularly vulnerable…

• Most people are dandelions• Able to take root and survive almost

anywhere. • Some people are orchids

• More vulnerable than the dandelions• Fragile and needing special care• But capable of blooming spectacularly if

given that special care!

Britney’s Story

My boyfriend was the only one who understood me…

Now that we’re not together anymore, I feel so alone… I have no one to talk to…

Why do today's young people turn away from

parents as they get older?

Q. Back in the old days, what did kids learn about parents from these shows?

VIDEO CLIP: MODERN TELEVISION

SHOW

A. Popular media - What is the message about parents?

Media helps push our kids away...

• Today’s kids (either your kids or your kids’ peers) spend several hours a day on average in front of a TV, or other screens

• Media messages are that• Parents are lame• The secret to happiness and

success is having friends, and turning to your peers

B. Decreased “expert” role: Where do young people turn if they want to find something out?

Q. A child is playing ball with a parent. Who is going to be more competent at it?

A. The parent and thus the child learns that parents are competent and to look up to parents…

In traditional societies, the young learn from and thus respect their elders… (But not so in modern ones!)

Margaret Mead, 1956

VIDEO CLIP: MODERN TELEVISION

SHOW

Q. In today’s technology obsessed world, who is better with modern technology, our 1) children or 2) parents?

A. Our children know more about the technology than we do, which makes them think they are superior…

Boy, my dad is

terrible!

Boy, I hate these video

games!

Economic Factors: Housing costs 2-3X more than in the 1970s – 40% of Canadian couples divorce… thus both parents work outside the home.. Q. So who are the kids hanging out with when both parents are working outside the home?

Kershaw, 2012

From an early age, our children spend more time with peers in daycare and school than they do with adults.

How modern technology weakens relationships

2010 Kaiser Family Foundation Survey

• U.S. children/teens• 7 hr/day

• ”Entertainment screens" • Television, cell phones, hand-held games, iPads,

Internet games, Facebook and video games • 2-hrs/day

• Violent video games

Q. What’s the big deal about video games?

VIDEO CLIP: MODERN VIDEO GAME

Screenshot from Call of Duty

Violence negatively affects children’s brains• Violent video games are harmful

– Research confirms numerous harmful effects of video games on behaviour, mood, relationships, physical health, sleep

• Violence in media in general– Children/youth are exposed to violence in movies, televisions,

popular culture– All of this desensitizes us to violence and cruelty

American Academy of Paediatrics, Media Policy Statement

Dangers of modern communication and social media • Potential for addiction• Superficiality is not true

intimacy• “I have 500 Facebook friends, but

I can’t really talk to anyone”• Promotes jealousy and

insecurity • Cyberbullying

Dr. Gwenn O'Keeffe, 2011; Dr. Sherry Turkle, MIT and TEDS Talk

Texting

Destroying genuine human interaction two thumbs at a time

How to (Re)Attach to your Youth: Common Sense Principles from

Attachment Experts such as Neufeld and Hughes

Classic view

• Attachment as a fixed foundation for the future… all built in a child’s early years

Actually….

• Attachment is more like bathing – you have to keep up with it…

How connected are you to your child? • Do you and your child

1. Spend 1:1 time together? 2. Have things in common? 3. Prioritize each other’s relationship over other

competing distractions and relationships? 4. Enjoy doing things and being helpful for each other? 5. Express affection to each other? 6. Does your child openly come to you to share how s/he

is feeling, e.g. for emotional support?

Adapted from Neufeld’s Modes of Attachment, 2005

Britney’s Story

Yes, I do spend a lot of time with my mom, but I can’t talk to her…

She worries too much…She nags me and lectures me…

Deep relationships are better than shallow

Deep relationship* As should be with parents

Superficial, shallow relationships* As is developmentally normal

with peers

The Most Powerful Strategy to Connect: Empathy and Validation

Empathy and Validation

• Every one has the core need to feel loved and accepted no matter what• No matter how they are feeling• No matter how successful/unsuccessful• No matter how good/bad• No matter how smart/dumb, etc…..

• Parents can and need to be able to meet this need better than a child/youth’s peers

Even your spouses can’t meet this as well as only parents can…

For the men in the room…

• Your girlfriend/wife/female friend tells you a problem she is having with a co-worker at work…

• Q. Most of the time, what does she want? 1) Your brilliant advice2) Your listening, validation and support

Listen for feelings, accept and validate (Connection before Direction)

SOOTHE “We’ll get through this…” “How can I support you?” “Do you want me to listen?” “Or do you want some advice?”

EMPATHIZE “I can see that you’re feeling really sad about this…” (giving supportive hug)

VALIDATE/ACCEPT “That’s okay if you’re feeling sad…”

Avoid advice, minimizing, invalidating

“You’re feeling sad about that? Come on, there’s a lot worse things than that… Don’t worry about it…Don’t cry…There’s a lot of fish in the sea…”“You need to just get over this…”

Crying is good because parents can then provide comfort • When your child is upset,

explore your child’s feelings so that your child can ‘grieve’ about whatever the stress is

• Crying with a parent is therapeutic:

1) It helps your child’s brain process the sadness 2) It helps your child see that s/he can turn to you for support

Empathy and validation: Connection before direction• Its Monday after the weekend, and

you need a favor from a co-worker• Q. Do you say

1) “I need you to do this for me right now!”2) “Good morning!” “How’s it going?” “How was your weekend?” “How are the kids doing?”

Other ways to connecting based on Neufeld’s Modes of Attachment

Spend 1:1 time with your child

▪ Invite your child to spend 1:1 time with you

▪ Have “dates”▪ 1:1 time encourages deeper

communication and connection▪ Example

▪ Car rides together (good) ▪ Going for a hot chocolate together

(better!)▪ Warning sign is a youth that

doesn’t want 1:1 with a parent

Connect through things in common

• We feel closer someone when we are similar or have things in common

• Find things in common with your child, such as – Interests and activities…– Shared memories

– Warning sign is a youth that wants nothing in common with parents

Prioritize your child

• When you are with your child, show your child that you value your attachment to your child over your cell phone, email, texting and other distractions…

• Warning sign is a youth that does not prioritize parent, or vice versa

Cats in the Cradle, Cat Stevens

Be helpful and useful to your child

• Counter the tendency in Western society to encourage kids to be overly independent and not need us anymore

• You WANT your child to be dependent on YOU

• You do not want your child to be dependent on others, or turning elsewhere…

Be helpful and useful to your child• Surprise your child every once in awhile by

doing things that your child should be able to do on their own

– Driving them– Helping when they are short on time– Picking up stuff they need, etc.

• Warning sign is a youth that refuses help or being dependent on parents

Express love and affection

• Harlow’s monkey experiments showed that monkeys required physical affection for development

• Children and youth need affection, both physical and emotional

• Warning sign is a youth that refuses affection from parents

Attachment tip: At every separation, talk

about the reunion

Q. You’re just had a great date with someone, and you want to see the other person again… What do you say?

1) “I had a wonderful time. Bye!”, or

2) “I had a wonderful time. Want to get together on the weekend?”

Whenever there is a separation, talk about the next reunion• If you as an adult would feel insecure about a lack of bridging,

then think how insecure a child would feel...!• Children naturally feel more insecure because they are still

forming their primary attachments with caregivers…

ChildAdult

Neufeld, 2005

Whenever there is a physical separation, talk about the next reunion

• Before your child leaves for school– Parent: “See you after school” “Can’t wait until we go for our walk

later after school” – Text your child during the school day – Give your child transition objects, e.g. notes in your child’s lunch box;

special jewelry or possessions• Before parent leaves for an errand

– Parent: “See you in an hour”• Before bedtime:

– “See you in the morning” “What do you want for breakfast?”

Neufeld, 2005

Whenever there is an emotional separation, talk about the next reunion• Parent:

– “I really can’t let you talk to me that way. It is unacceptable. You need to go to your room and cool down.” (or, if that isn’t going to happen, “I need to go to my room and cool down.”

• Bridge the separation – “Let’s get back together in 20 minutes if we’re both

calmer then”– “I love you; we’ll talk about this later and work it out.”

Neufeld, 2005

When there is a reunion, ensure there is a greeting• When the child wakes up in the morning

– “Good morning!”• When child comes home after school

– “Hello!” “Good to see you!” – “I was thinking about you doing your presentation when I was at

work today”• When parent sees child after a longer than usual absence

– “I missed you so much” “I was thinking about you” “It wasn’t the same with you gone”

Neufeld, 2005

Summary and Call to Action

Attachment and Connection to our Children/Youth • Strong attachments (i.e. connections, relationships)

of children to nurturing adults is one of the strongest foundations for mental health (i.e. resiliency factor)

• Unfortunately, many factors disconnect us from our children/youth

• The good news is that there are strategies that you can use to help strengthen your connection with children

Call to Action for ParentsSpend 1:1 with your childConnection before connection (by

listening, accepting, validating, and ideally avoid giving advice or judgment)

Give hope by bridging all separations▪ Every time a parent leaves a child, whether physically

or emotionally, talk about the next reunion with the child

Unplug and limit negative media messages

Neufeld, 2005; Hughes, 2009

Call to Action for Society Family friendly government policies

– Mandating businesses institute family friendly policies– Quality childcare– Postnatal not just prenatal classes

Family friendly workplace policies– On-site, in-house daycare– Flex time, job sharing, temporary/permanent part-time,

telecommuting, mandatory parental leave, family medical leave, family health benefits, childcare…

Family friendly media– Culture/media that promotes parents as important

References and More Information

eMentalHealth.ca: for information about mental health and help…

Questions?