All the News That's Fit to Print (But Only If It Makes Us Look Good) Issue 14 ❅ December 2010

regular career, let alone an appearance on Dancing With the Stars."

Friends and family defended Van Koevering, saying she'd actually been doing battle with Stage IV Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, which led to the hair loss and need for heavy drugs.

"Whatevs," Hilton sniffed derisively. "Potato, Potahto."

Regardless of the cause of her meltdown, Van Koevering appears to be back on track. In a recent interview, she said she was improving her diet, trying to re-balance her priorities, and even planning on running a half-marathon in the coming year.

"Van Koevering's publicity people are clearly working with her to rebuild an image that sustained a great deal of damage in 2010," Hilton said. "Expect to

HOLIDAY TIMES Woman Faces CelebReality Meltdown

"StephLo" Shaves Head, Takes Lots of Drugs During 2010

Following in the tragic footsteps of Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan, Stephanie Van Koevering - one half of the couple dubbed by at least one media outlet (okay, this one) as "Dyckanie" - fell into an abyss of bad behavior during 2010.

Van Koevering was observed heading into a Lansing-area shop for a head shave in early January.

"It was a move very reminiscent of Britney Spears' drunken meltdown of a few years back," said entertainment blogger Perez Hilton. "Observers don't know what prompted the act - long nights of partying or the stress of maintaining her celebrity profile - but she evidently just hit the breaking point."

Worse still, the celebutante reportedly drifted into heavy use of IV drugs.

"You could see it all over her," Hilton said. "She was tired-looking and weak, and seemed to need help just getting out of bed some days. There was no way she could pursue her

see lots of photo ops and interviews, probably a tell-all book, and maybe even some high-profile work as a U.N. ambassador, if she can swing it."

Currently, the Van Koevering family has no plans to adopt children from other continents. Stay tuned.

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The Holiday Times Issue #14 ❅ December 2010

Q. Are video games harmful?

Don: No, because our brains get eliminated from toys to video games.

Q. What do you think is the biggest waste of time?

Alex: Listening to Don.

Don: 79. And if I clap my hands like this, it means Alex is not right.

Q. What will it take for Mom to finish a half-marathon?

Alex: A city bus.

Q. If you could bring one character to life from your favorite book, who would it be?

Don: It would be Luke Skywalker. Yes, it is too a book!!

Q. Do you support cap and trade?

Alex: Who is Captain Trade?

Q. Would you be willing to eat a bowl of live crickets for $40,000?

Don: I would do it for $1. I almost ate a fly once but I spit it out. It was yucky but the juice was okay. Flies have juice in them.

Q. Which cartoon characters do you resemble most?

Alex: Together we are mostly like Tom and Jerry. Destructive

Alex and Don Answer Readers' Questions

Inspired by the success of Twitter phenom Justin Halpern, who gained fame (and lucrative book and TV deals) by merely writing down the statements of his father, Dyck Van Koevering has decided to start inundating the World Wide Web with his own bits of wisdom.

"I say at least as many funny, interesting things as that guy," Van Koevering said recently (which was, itself, a funny and interesting thing to say). "Now I just need to figure out how to take it to the next level and start generating some revenue."

Van Koevering has already released a sampling of his sayings, which include the following witticisms:

#$%@ Dyck Says

things happen and Don usually ends up beating me in the end somehow.

Q. What do you most want for Christmas?

Don: A monorail.

Alex: A whole army of toy knights.

Q. What will it take to create peace on earth this holiday season?

Alex: I should get elected president. Then I would say for everyone to stop fighting, put my feet up and open presents all day.

Don: Cuddling. That always makes lots of peace and quiet.

• "It's not flying that bothers me, it's being suspended mid-air in a plane."

• "When little Don stops referring to his fingers as 'thingers,' I'll be so thorlorn."

• "I am going to embrace my Dutch heritage by dressing in ethnic garb and seeking out minority scholarship programs for the kids."

"I am so proud of Dyck," said his wife, Stephanie Van Koevering. "He is truly

the Will Rogers of our time."

The Holiday Times

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Issue #14 ❅ December 2010

Van Koevering Brings Imagination, Twirling to Local Gridiron DeWitt Area Recreation Authority flag football recruiters hit the jackpot this year with young Don Van Koevering, a true kindergartner from Fuerstenau Early Childhood Center.

Van Koevering played primarily offensive positions, demonstrating a solid quarterback sneak maneuver. While failing to score any points during the season, he contributed heavily to the watchability of his team with rapid

footwork, agility and imagination.

"Don traversed the length of the field not with boring running

plays, but by skipping, twirling and dancing en pointe," said ESPN's Erin Andrews. "Rarely has one player put on such a remarkable show for his fans. It's pure theater."

Other players were less than thrilled with Van Koevering's antics.

"We're here to play ball," said one teammate. "He's out there hot-dogging, game after game. Sooner or later, he's got to start focusing on the plays."

Van Koevering's reps were unavailable for comment at press time.

Youth Urges Public Support for Service Mission Eleven-year-old Alex Van Koevering is a man awaiting his mission.

He has been training for several years with his local scouting program, served on his student council, and this summer upped the ante by attending a weekend boot camp at the U.S. Naval Academy in Annapolis.

"I know how to tie my knots, read the flags and march around, but I haven't gotten my deployment yet," Van Koevering said. "I'm ready to ship out with my unit any time, if they'd just get in touch with me. Hello? Hello!!!"

The boy's repeated calls to the

U.S. Dept of Defense, the U.N. Security Council and the Joint Chiefs of Staff have gone unreturned.

"I'm ready to go," he said. "Not only am I doing every training program I can find, but I've also spent hours watching the Military Channel and back episodes of NCIS. That's another thing - I can't watch anything more graphic because Mom won't let

me. She's part of the system that's holding me back."

By going to the media now, the boy hopes to enlist public support for his cause.

"I am urging everyone to contact their represent-atives in Congress and help me get my career in

motion," he says. "I'm taking it to the people…speaking truth to power."

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The Holiday Times Issue #14 ❅ December 2010

NEW ARRIVALS

Welcome, Lincoln!

The Van Koevering family welcomed a new fish to their kitchen counter this fall. Named Lincoln (but known as "Linkin'" to his rapper friends), the new fish is very social and serves as a reliable confidante.

Welcome, Music!

In September, the Van Koeverings were given a priceless gift - a wonderful and well-loved baby grand piano that had belonged to some dear friends.

Concerts are given on a daily basis (whether you want them or not) and lessons are available.

Editor's Note

This space is typically reserved for Dyck's automobile commentary; however, I am hijacking it this year for a very different - and serious - purpose.

Last year, the day after Thanksgiving, we learned of my cancer diagnosis. The holidays were all but lost as we searched and worried about the challenges that lay ahead.

Perhaps it was only fitting that we should have a Christmas beginning for our journey. We had the spirit of the holidays every day in our house, all year long. People visited us, brought us meals, sent us cards and gifts, and called to see how we were doing. Old friendships were renewed, new friendships were formed, and every day we marveled at the love, peace and support we enjoy as a family. That's a feeling I usually associate with the quiet moments of Christmas, but this year we were lucky enough to have it all year long.

Now, with the holidays here again, we celebrate not only my remission, but also the gifts of love and comfort we received from our family and friends throughout 2010. We are grateful and wish you all a new year filled with peace, health and joy.

-Stephanie Van Koevering Editor-in-Chief

Best wishes for smooth sailing in 2011!