hold on to love forever

8/19/2019 Hold on to Love forever

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CHAPTER 1 Coffee leaves

Everybody gets into a thick soup every now and then. What is

important is whether you can get out of it without some serious braindamage .

The skies lit up with silver lights and the devil laughed loudly, mercilessly,

despair resounding in his voice. A divine interference was needed right now

and she prayed fervently for the same. The devil laughed again and a chill

caught her spine. The water had seeped into her skin and it steadily trickled

down her eyes making her more blind than she already was. Her glasses had

crashed during her heroic trudge through the venomous waters. “ts not that

bad! “you are over reacting! was what she told herself in a loop, talking to

herself always helped.

"lowly and tentatively she picked her bare foot and tried to find the cold

surface of the first step. There that was not so bad. "he caught hold of the

railing and tried to follow the way as it spiraled up, one step at a time. The

devil roared once again and she crashed her foot against the hard concrete

of the step. At that moment life brought itself to a full stop.

The #eautiful white house with talian marble and the $ersian rug wiped

itself clean from her head and there was nothing but blackness that

surrounded her. "he couldn%t escape the reality ,which was currently the

imaginary puppets which she con&ured up in her mind to make her smile but

then her smile was as stubborn as her it refused to come out of the shadowsof darkness and play.

Her mind was trying to trick her into enacting every action that she needed

to survive. Time was going to stop right now. n fact time had stopped. There

was no feeling, no emotion, no need' no desire there was nothing e(cept

darkness. )or the first time in her thirty years of e(istence the darkness was

her pri*ed possession.

t was her home it was the place where she had peace. The devil roared

again, this time her heart did not skip a beat, the sky lit up with a cruel silver

smile plastered on its dark lifeless face yet her mind was constant, it did not

+uiver with the fear of the une(pected.

The heavens shattered as the devil got drunk. The &ourney of a few meters

from her car parking to the entrance of the building felt like crossing the

nile in a bad mood.

"taring at her red door ayra knew that there was never ever going to be

any more turbulence in her life again. He had kept his promise. He had


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saved her from breaking herself into tiny pieces. The house welcomed her

with its darkness and she refused to disrespect it by turning on the light. All

she wanted to was enevelope herself with the softness that her mom had left

for her as her only legagcy. The bed was where she had left it and so was her

blanket. This was all she wanted or atleast was supposed to at that moment.

"he got up and looked in the mirror that was kept right in front of her bed.

There was no smile on her face. There was no happiness in her heart there

was nothing but blankness.

"he closed her eyes and said a small prayer to the man who had blessed her

with the ultimate gift of life the peace of not longing for peace which is

possible for a human being only when he neither wants happiness nor detests

sadness.

ayra closed her eyes. -ot attaching herself to the comfort of her bed or the

warmth of the +uilt that was born from the love her mother had woven in it.t was &ust a bed and the +uilt was &ust a mass of cotton. arknesss once

again came and surrounded her and she embraced it knowing that it was her

companion for life.

The phone was ringing incessantly “ Hello! it was / in the morning

“ Hi ayra am really sorry know you hate being called first thing in the

morning but really could not help it!

“-ot a problem tell me “ The other side was silent “tell me “ said ayra

very calmly! “are you okay! asked "hruti “ yes "hruti “said ayra “ Tell me

what is the problem! “0kay give me half an hour you will have the mail in

your in bo(. 1es am fine .1es know it%s a "unday!.

"hruti kept the receiver of the phone down. 1es in the days of cellphones she

had an old world dial telephone. "he sat for a few moments looking out at

the sunny sky in front of her. t was a very weird morning. The signs were

all there. The raven on her window sill and the spilt milk in the morning.

"omething had gone terribly wrong with her best friend and she had no ideawhat. "hruti got up from her bed and made a +uick dash for the

#athroom after twenty minutes of brushing her teeth and ten minutes of a

bath she got into a red bati+ue skirt and a contrasting green cotton short

kurta and was out of the house. t was going to be a tough bet finding a

rickshaw or a cab after yesterday%s carnage of rain but she prayed for a

miracle and there it was a shiny yellow cab right in front of her. Another sign


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that ayra really needed her right now. "ometimes life &ust refuses to

negotiate peace. Well why should it when it knows that you cannot do

&ackshit e(cept fight to survive. efense was the only move possible offense

anything else was totally out of +uestion. ayra was on the defense for a

very longtime now with no sign of a ceasefire. There was nothing that shruti

could do e(cept tell her that everything is going to be okay.

t was nearly ten minutes and aya refused to open the door. Two more

minutes and am going to call the cops. "hruti had been after ayra%s life to

consult a shrink for the past three months, but couldn%t convince her at all.

ayra could be very stubborn. That was one reason perhaps why she

couldn%t compromise with life. 0ne more reason why she was thirty and still

single. "he e(pected too much out of life. "hruti banged her hand against the

door praying fervently to god the green bangles clashed against the wooden

block clinging nosily.

The door opened there was ayra wearing her standard shorts and acrumpled T shirt with rectangle spectacles perched on her nose and her long

hair tied shabbily up with a hair pin.

“Have you lost your freaking mind what the hell were you doing for twenty

minutes "hruti charged inside the house not waiting for ayra to

acknowledge her. "he began a senetence and stopped abruptly “

thought2. “ ayra calmly looked at her “Thought was dead! “ are you

okay! shruti suspiciously asked ayra.

“1es told you the mail will be your in bo( in half an hour! 1ou do know

do not make promises in the air!. “1ou know have not come here for the

damn contracts am here for you.! “There was no need! said mayra with a

air of indifference which reeked of pretense. "he had elegantly moved away

from the door keeping it a&ar for "hruti to walk in and stationed herself in

front of the coffee pot she poured the dark brown mi(ture from a height,

then mi(ed one teaspoon of sugar and added a few drops of lime to the

mi(ture. “f you want breakfast you will have to make it for yourself!.

"hruti%s sight did not leave mayra for a second, 3-o have to rush home and

fi( something for Hemant Have left him sleeping. “fine% said arya “nowthat you are here please take the contract with you also wanted to discuss

clause number eight. "hruti curled up with hot coffee on the earth colored

duri which lay on the ground and was looking at ayra stir her cup of

coffee. 3you sure right you are fine ayra 4 “ ayra turned her small head

which personally she thought was huge. ayra hated the si*e of her head,

she looked at shruti and nodded sagely.! o you see any slit wrists or a stool


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under my ceiling fan 4! That%s not funny! said "hruti uncurling herself and

pulling a cushion behind her back.

guess she is okay she told herself her psychotic sense of humour is around

so guess she is not going insane.

!5ant we discuss this later sometime2. am in no mood to talk about legal

clauses!. ayra kept the mug down on the round coffee table. Words took a

halt in her throat and she &ust shrugged her shoulders. "hruti &umped to her

feet picked up her bag and gave ayra a tight hug her bangles clanging all

the time. “6et me know if you want to meet up in the evening, infact we

should 7 “ call me she yelled as she sprinted across the room towards the

door.

The sun outside her window was smiling the sunbeams were knocking at her

windowsill wanting to be let in. $laying with her coffee mug ayra was

analy*ing her behavior. "he had been born again and yet there was this

flutter in her heart each time she saw the sunbeam play hide and seek withher eye lids the glitter of the sun came and rested on them. Why was she

surprised 4 6ife could never serve her a deal that was in her favor. "he got

up and walked towards the sink when she tripped over the duri the cup

crashed on her lovely wooden flooring. "pilling the remnants of the black

coffee leaves on her intricately woven spread of cotton. The images that it

formed on the cloth made her reali*e that she was looking at a picture etched

out for her in the form of a line drawing. 8reat that was the only thing left to

happen to in her . "he was going mad7 aybe it was the soft fabric that was

bleeding the coffee.

"he picked up the duri and marched straight to the washing machine staring

at the blotch of darkness on her lovely shade of earth. aya sprinkled some

detergent on the stain and gently rubbed the blue colored granules into the

fine lines of the fabric. The action evoked a weird sense of comfort. aybe

it was the circular motion of her hand easing her mind into a rhythm, which

lacked in her life. 9hythm a measured flow that builds the perfect

symphony. 8reat she was +uoting definitions to herself again.

There was a whirring noise that brought her back to ground *ero. "he looked

up at the ceiling hoping the damn fan would stop creating a ruckus and behave. The blades were still as still as a dead bird. The whirring &ust grew

louder and louder and with each cycle she seemed to lapse into a deep

trance. 6ayer upon layer of da*e piled into each other and she slipped into a

high that could not be compared to any substance.


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Evolution of the mind is very important to combat the daily vagaries of life.

Was she ready to accept her evolution4 The whirring had stopped and she

Was sitting on the floor. ovement was not difficult but unnecessary. 6ife

5ould be spend sitting here staring at the wall in front of her not

-oticing the blue color with which it was painted with or the beginnings

of rain damage. The trance was broken when she started noticing the

obvious.

"he tried to stand but couldn%t it was as if she was being pulled to the ground

by a magnetic force she couldn%t fathom. "he wanted to fight but she

couldn%t. ayra was a fighter had been all her life but today, failure was not

something that she could not live with. Her ego did not allow her failure but

today she had no option. :sually when life leaves you with no options it also

leaves you with bitterness that helplessness build inside you. ayra had

fought against this helplessness all her life the battle was not always fair but

then who said life was fair.

Time was walking by and she desperately wanted to get up and hold his

hand. "he would now at this instance get up and walk back to the drawing

room. Every moment when she had sacrificed a little bit of innocence at the

alter of success *oomed in front of her. "he had left the pain way behind.

-othing could touch her soul now. ayra waited for the slight heartache

"he felt at times but there was nothing. "he was standing still and time was

at a distance within a few seconds he would be far away from her. )or a

fraction of a second she found the ego in her and she nearly pulled herself on

her feet but the fraction passed and there she was stationery, blank. "he

wanted to close her eyes and drift into deep sleep never to be woken again.

That would be bliss the perfect e(istence without any needs and without any

wants. The fan whirred la*ily above her and she traced its &ourney with her

"till eyes. After sometime she was tired the magic had passed the da*e was

-ot immerging the moment had passed.

#reaking away today slowly,cleaning the webs delicately,

trying to peep into tomorrow shyly,

reflecting into the closeted soul,trying to find answers,

searching endlessly,

standing at a crossroard .A road unknown is pitted against a road known,


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A dilema that has been faced by a poet well known,

struggling,fighting,wriggling,yet unable to get free,

A life is full contradictions of ifs and would have beens, but the final call is of destiny of what has been decided and will be,

a path etched for you in the skies,a road that unfolds on this earth,

And all you can do is follow , silently with your dreams firmly held in your heart,with the strength to live your life painted on a canvass of unceratinity with a brush of the

almighty.

"o bloody depressing the poem was written in beautiful calligraphy and

framed in front of her in an ornate royal looking golden frame her birthday

gift by "idhanth 9a&put some million years ago.

Well she could afford to spend time staring at the ceiling after all it was a

holiday and there was nothing that demanded her immediate attention.

"he had a very annoying conscience. t was a wonder that his thoughtactually decided to come and say hello. t was also a wonder that she was

flat on the floor staring at a very dirty ceiling fan rotate aimlessly. The face

of gangu bai flashed in her mind and she made a mental tick to tick her off.

mean seriously she didn%t pay the woman four grand for nothing' money did

not grow on trees certainly not hers. "he bloody had to slog for it every

single day of her life, which included tolerating the whims and fancies of a

lot of people who could do with a course in treating humans as homo sapiens

and not as dogs who could run errands.

t was getting chilly perhaps a nice warm shower and a hot strong cup of

coffee would not be a bad idea. t was at times like these that she missed a

man in her life. Wouldn%t it be great if she was picked up in sturdy arms and

taken to her lovely pink bathroom and given a bath4 -ot having to lift a

single bone in her body. Well it wouldn%t have been confined to &ust a bath “

hmmmmmm “ went ayra%s mind."he made a mental tick in a faraway

corridor in her mind. -eed to obtain male slave when earning thrice than

now.

With a long sigh and a huge heave ayra took small la*y steps towards the

bathroom. The water was warm and smoothing and slowly all the tension in

her mind and soul flowed away with the running h;


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"omething was rumbling inside her and she knew that it had to be satiated.

The walk to the refregrirator was too long and she certainly did not want to

mess with her body temperature. "he pulled the soft mittens from the drawer

ne(t to her bed and put them on with affection. "he knew what would be

perfect7 $i**a 7 hot loaded with cheese and chilly flakes with tangy tomato

sauce 7 yummy 7.

Her image reflected across in the mirror in front of her and she frowned it%s

not fair that metabolism gives up on you when you need it the most. "he

wrapped the cotton bathrobe tightly around her and stood on her knees. Hair

flopping all over her shoulders, she stared at the round ball of fur. aybe if

she stopped giving in to every whim and fancy of her taste buds and gave

her body wee bit of trouble. "he could actually walk into those million

parties she attended and for once be wearing a tight skirt and not a sari. -otthat she didn%t get her share of attention men found her attractive alright.

0ne thing that pulled them like mice to cheese if not the cleavage, was

power, which she had.


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5hapter ; Warm within

"he was the woman with the right answers and the right connections. The

game at the top is always about numbers and she saw to it that she was at the

top. -ot that she cared much about it, like everything in life the position she

en&oyed today &ust fell in place. "he was at the right place at the right time

and she saw to it that she made the best use of opportunity. 1ou never forget

the days where you have slogged like a flogged mule. Was it that easy,

aybe her shrink was right. t was high time she started giving herself some

credit. "he started shivering and a chill ran down her spine. ayra cuddled

herself trying to escape the chill. That helped a little. "he reached for the Acremote that lay sprawled at the other end of the bed. The

stretching that she had to do tired her. "he could be really la*y she said to

herself. With the temperature increased she pulled the satin sheets over

herself and closed her eyes wanting to walk into the garden of bliss. ayra

"tarted counting =..;..>..she slowed her breathing and rela(ed her toes,

moving towards the legs. Energy pulsed through her system anointing her

with a calmness that was invaluable.

A whistle pierced the calmness shattering it into a million pieces. ayra

refused to open her eyes trying to hold tight the calm perfection that was

coursing through her. The whistle rang again and again. There was no

escaping it. t was useless escaping reality it had no sympathy or empathy

she has learned that the difficult way.

ayra picked the shawl lying on the chair ne(t to her bed and draped it over

her. The cotton robe was a little transparent and she did not want any strange

male or female si*ing her assets. "he came out of the bedroom and walked

towards the sitting room. The room was dark. "he reali*ed that it was

already late evening time &ust flies. "he flipped the switch to the lights andthe whole room twinkled with orange glitter.

)rom 8rey and gloomy the atmosphere si**led with the glamour of the

flirting lights. "he thanked god for his grace as light symboli*ed prosperity.

"he could hear her own heartbeat thumbing against her flesh urging to be let

out of the cage. "hould she set it free from its prison perhaps then it would

find peace. t was for thoughts like these that she was paying a sinful amount


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to another woman who would &ust listen to her blabber for an hour and then

tell her that everything form her thinking to her choice of hair colour was all

wrong. $robably she should &ust call her father instead of her shrink. The

bell whistled again and she opened her ornately carved door. The smell of

molten cheese over bacon entered her nostrils giving her a heady high.

“That would be 9upees >?< mam! ayra took the hot bo( from him and

gave him the money that she owed him and closed the door. "ilence echoed

through the room, 6ights stared at her making her feel very hot, sweat

formed tiny beads on her forehead. "he could feel them tickling her as they

cursed down the nape of her neck. The ac was &ust fi(ed yesterday. aybe

she forgot to increase the temperature. The room was glowing, t was red

hot. There was a red tint to the orange glow. Her hands had become moist

and she tore the mittens she was wearing. t had become increasingly stuffy,

she could feel her lungs struggling to pump her body with air. #efore she

reali*ed the room started reeling. "he was going to die in her cotton bathrobeand bathroom slippers, with a meat bonan*a pi**a of which she had not even

had the first bite.

There was something that felt very cold on the so very warm sofa which she

was sitting on. ayra +uickly picked up the white remote and searched for

the button, which made cold. 1ahoo 7 she was going to live. The thought of

making a dash for the cooler confines of the bedroom did cross her mind but

she was scared that if she stood up she would crash on the ground and then

that would be the end of her. aya closed her eyes and started counting,

=..;..>..@..? she reached ?< and she could feel her pulse slow down a little

bit. The room stopped spinning around.

"he passed hundred and a cold wave of air came and kissed her on her

forehead and she opened her eyes. The room still danced around her in a

thousand reflections of light but the focus of concentration right now was the

bo( lying in front of her. "he pulled her legs up from the ground folded them

beneath her and tore the bo( open. )irst she poured ketchup then she

sprinkled chilli flakes at last came oregano then came the bite. ayra took a

deep breath and smiled to herself. This was life, &ust perfect.

Tring Tring the phone screamed. ayra ignored it. Tring Tring the phone

screamed again for her attention, ignoring it was not going to solve her problem she picked it up. “Hello! she said her mouth still full with the large

bite of pi**a she had &ust had.

“ Are you okay! "hruti was very concerned.

“mmmm “was the only thing that aya could manage.

“ What are you eating “ demanded "hruti . “ $i**aaaa.! Was ayra%s

answer


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“ ayra you cannot you are going to put on all that weight again.!

don%t care shruti now can go back to my pi**a please.!

“ thought you were going to have dinner with hemant and me!

“When did that happen “ said ayra

“today morning when came to see2.. “ responded shruti.

“ don%t remember the conversation.! "aid ayra

“ ayra please let us not start this gain! shruti pleaded

“ am not starting anything again! "ometimes ayra wished she could &ust

hang up on shruti she was tempted a million times but she could never do

that.

t was because of her that she was alive today and it was because of her that

perhaps she had a better chance of being alive for a little time longer . "hruti

was the reason for her current mortality.

“ ayra are you even listening to me right now!

3#ut have already had dinner! protested ayra she knew "hruti wouldhave a solution to a fully fed aya. 3 0kay then &oin us for coffee. Which

you will anyways have before you go to sleep have it with us instead of

having it alone.!

3 iss smarty pants! Thought aya.

“ )ine! Will be there but tell your over smart husband to keep his advise to

himself.!

“He is &ust concerned about you ayra!

“He shouldn%t be. He is your husband not mine. f wanted a >@ year old

balding overbearing male, constantly telling me what should do and what

shouldn%t would have gotten one of those samples for myself long time

ago.!

“He is not balding ayra!

“well okay he is not but he gets on my nerves! that is enough for me to want

to pick him up and dump him in a huge tub of cold water.

“1ou reali*e you are talking about my husband here! "hruti pretended to

sound offended.

“0ww come on don%t start all preachy on me you couldn%t stand that man

three years ago!“ ayra that was a longtime ago! Three years is not a longtime "hruti you

gave in to life.!

"hruti wanted to disconnect that instant 3 didn%t give in to life grew up

you still live in a world of fairytale and make believe.!

ayra sighed “0kay now that%s being very unfair am a president of one of

the most prestigious media houses, have a beautiful two bedroom flat, a


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mid si*ed lu(ury car with a driver and have been to paris and back two times

in the past one year and trust me all this is not make believe is it.!

There is silence across the other end of the mobile phone. ayra closed her

eyes and intook a lot of air.

“0kay that was mean ! “ am sorry!

“ have no regrets aya!said "hruti

3 know that2. you &ust don%t have the time for regrets!

“#ottom line being will come but tell your charming husband to keep his

e(pert comments to himself!

"hruti smiled “ will try2 see you at star bucks at =

ayra flipped her phone shut and closed her eyes again. "hruti stood there

in a flowing light blue summer dress the chiffon overflowing over her small

petite physic. "miling, waving , full of &oy as she walked towards the sea

toying with the sand with her delicate toes. "he had painted them pink."hruti loved the sea, she could sit there for hours staring at the neverending

mass of blue, not once blinking her eyes. -ot even when the sun shone right

into them, like she was hypnoti*ed by some mysterious spirit of the ocean.

ayra could never understand how shruti could be so content with life.

There was no want for the lu(uries of life, no designer clothes, dining at five

star restaurants, e(pensive &ewelry.

A bunch of roses would have her giggling like a school kid, four lines of

poetry or a walk on a starlit night and "hruti would have the smile of the

contented sprawling across her face.

ayra opened her eyes and looked at r Tick Tick smiling at her she had

three more hours before her date with the r and rs. ayra was feeling

better ,the room had become comfortably cool there was a lovely taste of

cheese, bacon and mushrooms on the top of her tongue and the room was

bright as sunshine. "he looked at the solitaire ring on her finger and turned it

round and round her finger and smiled. Her first diamond bought two years

ago she was so proud of herself. "he loved &ewelry. Had come a long way

from the &unk &ewelry she used to pick up for a few rupees to the lakhs she

invested now. "he hated herself at that moment. "he had gone from

depressive to happy in a phone call. 1es it was bloody difficult living allalone and fighting the demons of solitude but it was much better than seeing

your dreams being taken and crashed against the wall of hopelessness

everyday.

ayra picked herself up from the sofa and flip flopped to her bedroom. t

was her most favorite spot in the world. The walls were coloured a soft hue

of peach, the wall right behind her bed was a dark maroon her favorite


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colour. The regal teakwood bed had wood pillars on which the huge frame of

her bed rested. The pillars had intricate carvings of birds, leaves and flowers.

t was love at first sight. "he still remembered the day she had walked into

the palatial goa house to close the negotiations for her very close friend

"idhnath 9a&put. As she sauntered through the musty old building ,

prosperity that had eroded light years ago looked at her with contempt.

"he could feel the old walls stare at her with hopelessness ,photographs of

ancestors who had prided themselves for their magnitude of life, now &ust

stood there &ust waiting for the humiliation to get over.

t was april, in the middle of the hot afternoon she had wanted nothing but a

bottle of cold beer. #ut there she was having a close look at the house

evaluating every bit of its nook and corner. t was bare with hardly any

furniture to cover its nakedness. The )rench windows not allowing it the

modesty of darkness. The sunlight brought attention to the nakedness of its body and there she was making an evaluation of its worth. With head held

high and sturdy steps she had glided through its corridors.

t was a heady high as a mammoth sat by her feet. t was this feeling of

power that made an think that the holocaust was perfectly acceptable. That

the caste system in ndia was still thriving where a inferior caste human

being had to still pay with his life for drinking from the same well as a

higher caste.

At that moment she stopped and stooped to touch the floor she touched her

forehead with the dust from the floor. With that one action mayra had paid

her respect to the royal being. "he was in august company and stood therein

silent, feeling the yesterday wrap her in its glory.

ayra closed her eyes and the room came to life the walls were pearl white

bending towards cream. A huge mahogany table sat right in the middle of the

e(pansive room draped with lace tablecloth. A vase of silver filled with pink

roses and baby%s breath stood flirting with the chandelier that was right

above the table.

t swayed delicately catching the rhythm of the piano that played at the

corner of the large room. A semi circular sofa with royal red seat covers and

cushions stood opposite the piano. $ersian rugs were placed all across thespacious room bringing the room a co*y warmth. There was one more sofa

in the room a Bictorian settee with the back arched like wings of an eagle it

had the same covers as the other sofa in the room. The room was bare e(cept

for these pieces of furniture.

ayra followed the music to its source and there on the piano sat this

beautiful petite woman with flowing dark hair which had drops of baby%s


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5HA$TE9 >

ayra sat in her leather chair on the si(teenth floor of a sky scrapper. t was

eleven o clock in the morning and she had five story concepts to go through

the first one sat there hoping to be read. Her morning cup of coffee stood tall

in front of her and she stared at. "he picked it up and took a drag of its

aroma . The aroma moved through her penetrating her nostrils waking each

and every nerve that was asleep. There were going to be no calls till twelve

in the afternoon. "he was not a morning person and preferred to interact with

people when she was absolutely in control of her reactions and actions.

:nless there was a fire to douse she never climbed out of her hole into theda**ling sun.

ayra had &ust kept down her cup of coffee when the door of her cabin

opened. aya hoped she could kill the person right then and there. "he

closed her eyes refusing to look at the person.

“ 1ou better have a good reason for this!

“ Well do! said the voice “ need some advise! .

ayra opened her eyes and on the red sofa in front of her desk sat a tall,

lean man in a white kurta pya&ama and brown chappals on his long soles.

“1ou dress like that to work! ayra closed her eyes again.

“ 1ou know will still be here when you open your eyes.!

ayra leaned back in her chair. “That%s the tragedy! “come back at four!. “

We don%t have time till four! “ don%t know about you but do!

“-o you don%t we are going to goa! ayra opened her eyes and looked at

him with a e(pression of you must be kidding

“ have work "idhnath !

“ya sure can see that! said sidhanth

3don%t get sarcy on me and don%t teach me my business! ayra looked at

him eyebrows arched. 30kay 0kay peace! he grinned like an elf and ayra wished she could hate

him if for nothing else &ust that stupid grin.

“ need to have a look at that house.!

ayra sat up in her chair.! Hmmm!

“suddenly why 4 “

“ what do u mean suddenly why own the place “


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“ Ass!

“ -ow why am an ass! 3Cust because want you to have a look at a house

that spend a lot of money on!

“-ot a lot of money the right amount of money! insisted ayra

“ sure so need to know now how much more money need to spend to

make the house of some use to me. #ecause the fair amount of money you

spend is on a commodity that is currently of no use to me.!

A paper weight *oomed across the room. “ "idhnath please get out right

now!

“#oth of us are getting out right now!

“ "idhnath go to hell! amn it he knew this was a terrible time to irritate

her .

3-o ayra we are going to goa! .

3 "idhanth am getting a headache!3ayra come up with something original you are stuck with that line for

eight years in bed and out of it.! 9ohit ducked a paper cutter that clashed

against the door and fell to the ground.

“ 1ou reali*e that am worth a lot of money and my father will hunt you

down if so much as bleed a micro liter of blood! . sidhanth%s grin had

arrived to stay.

"hruti took the elevator to the si(teenth floor of 9ose towers. "he was +uite

worried about ayra. An energetic woman like her e(hausted to that degree

was very surprising. The elevator opened on a floor that was drenched in

white light. "he shook her head with disapproval. The whole office was so

badly decorated it was a nightmare. t was divided into cubicles by wood

erections. The building was glass and enough sunlight drafted through the

windows to light up the whole floor comfortably. The innumerable tube

lights infused with stark sunlight was designed to blind. 8od knows how

these poor people worked. "he approached the reception and gave aria the

receptionist a big smile. aria e(hibited &ust a hint of a smile.

3will you tell her am here! re+uested "hruti , aria stood there as a statue

hesitating to pick up the phone. "hruti sensed something was wrong. “s she in a meeting4 f that is the case let it be! aria%s smiled increased in

length as if she was &ust let of from a firing s+uad.

"hruti found her way through the familiar office and as she neared ayra%s

office the whole floor went silent like a ramsay movie . ayra%s team shared

cubicles right across her office. "hruti went up to say Hi. aya loved parties

and often partied with her team. Everybody was immersed deep into their


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computers with tension wrought on their faces. "hruti reali*ed that it was

one of those days when ayra had flipped her lid.

“ Hiten has she come out of her room! Hiten looked up from his computer

screen.

“-ope!

3okay! said "hruti and looked at her watch it was one o clock. That was

+uite odd considering that ayra always peeked out of her office at twelve

after her large mug of coffee and two hours of alone time the morning

meeting started at =; with her team . "hruti had &ust neared the door and

was &ust about to open it when something crashed against it. "he opened the

door and walked in.

“Hey "hruti! “ Take him away! yelled ayra.

3ayra please rela(! tried "hruti

“asshole spoiled my day!

This time a paper weight went sailing across the room.3"idhnath please2! begged "hruti.

“0kay fine she &ust a spoilt brat! "idhanth had not moved an inch from the

sofa, the sarcy smile still palstered on his face.

ayra got up from her chair “and what are you bloody dog 7 am spoilt

because slogged my entire life to afford to be spoilt. 1ou brag on the

leftovers thrown to you by your dad.!

"hruti poured a glass of water for ayra “$lease atleast calm down.!

3on%t cross your line ayra! “0h ho now somebody is getting offended all

this while it was a &oke.!

"hruti walked towards "idhnath who was now standing looking out of the

glass window.

“"idhnath cant you come back in the evening and finish whatever business

there is.! "hruti refused to look at him directly.

“0www come on shruti am not that hideous am both you women treat me

as am some freak of nature.! "idhanth got up from the sofa andstood right

in fromt of "hruti a little closer than comfort.

3 cant look at you the sunlight s right behind you.! "idhnath pulled the

window shutters shut. There was a spicy musty fragrance around him and helooked at her with kindness in his eyes.

"hruti turned away from him. "idhnath followed shruti as she walked

towards ayra.

"ometimes he thought he saw her eyes flicker with a softness that was

indefinable. The silence in the room was broken by the tinkering of the little

silver bells on the anklet that shruti wore around her feet and the clanging of


17/114

her red bangles.

ayra was looking into her laptop refusing to look at either sidhanth or

"hruti.

3What seems to be the problem ayra “. aya refused to answer.

“sidhanth 4!

“Well wanted her to come with me to to goa to have a look at the house

that bought three months ago. “

3"hruti tell him am not his slave that he says come now and get up and

follow my master.!

“"idhanth to my knowledge ayra ahd closed the deal and had completed

all the formalities.!

31es she has but will have to go and assess the condition of the house

which dates back to the =?th century. t has to be made livable right! .

“"hruti ask him what am supposed to do about that 4!“ 0fcourse help me with the interiors.!

ayra picked the glass ashtray in front of her and threw it at sidhanth.

!ayra “screamed "hruti.

“1ou know mayra you should seriously change your shrink! the calmness

in sidhnaths voice was very evident.

"hruti stooped down to pick up the ash tray from the ground. "tood up and

stared at mayra with shock and surprise written all over her face. 31ou didn%t

tell me you were seeing a shrink mayra!

3Well it never came up.!

“ t never came up 7 am after your life everyday to make an appointment

and you are telling me it never came up.4 “

“This is why didn%t tell you if did then you would eat my brains after

each session what did u say what did she say what was the outcome are you

feeling better 4 as it is those sessions are depressing on top of that dealing

with your +uestions would have put me up against the wall.!

3)ine will not ask any +uestions. As long as you are seeing somebody.!

ayra finally looked up from the laptop.

“0kay shruti don%t make that sulky face know what is eating

you. How does that loser know and not you.!“y new shrink is his new girlfriend.! magine what had to go through.

Amits new year bash step out in the verandah for a smoke and there in

front of me r sidhanth buttons all broken with miss dinshaw whose buttons

were also ..!

0kay then mayra she got the point there is seriously no need to be

melodramatic! for the first time in between all the drama that was going on


18/114

sidhnath seemed a little flustered

"hruti looked at sidhant and he looked away instantly. He found himself

checking his buttons. amn it something did not feel right. )uck it now he

was cross with himself, he hated it when he did not have a reason for why he

was feeling what he was feeling. This stupid ayra always made him feel

stupid.

"hruti had noticed the discomfort on sidhanths face but ignored it.

“"o mayra don%t you think you need to go with sidhanth to have a look at

the house “

“and do what shruti doll it up2. please! “1ou know wouldnt know the

difference between peach and ivory and don%t have the patience to play

house house he bloody knows that and despite that , he is trying to be funny

by suggesting that go decorate the house!.

"hruti sat on the sofa and took the sari over her shoulder wrapping herself.

Tight. sidhanth could see the slight shudder of cold that shook her ever sosightly.. He walked towards mayra%s table. 3what! said maya irritably

“ its bloody free*ing &ust because you are a polar bear does not mean we

have to suffer.! "hruti looked at sidhanth and wanted to thank him. she &ust

stood there ignoring him trying to focus on naything else e(cept him.

3 Well sidhanth e(pecting mayra to be interested in interior decoration is a

little too much.! Wasfinally she could manage

Asshole! muttered mayra and kept on working at her laptop.

“f it wasn%t for you shruti this office would have been as cold as that

woman.! "idhanth genuinely meant it.

“on%t you dare call me woman.! 9etaliated mayra

30fcourse there is not a bone of woman in you unfortunately wearing

trousers and a shirt does not make you a man.! "aid sidhanth

“ you are a se(ist pig! With that maya got back to the laptop.

35an we please work towards a solution here please! said shruti. “ don%t

want her to come and say pink will be better and red satin is better than

pink! want her to control the budgets.!

With That one sentence sidhanth had ayra%s undivided attention. ayra

was a control freak the word control was like a instant shot of mari&uana for

her.

“-ow that have your undivided attention can continue!

“Hmmmm “ said mayra. "till not looking up from her gadget

“ Well intend turning the house into a resort keeping its historical essence

intact. An architect and designer will fly with me.! “ want you to be in

charge of the budget. 1ou know how am with money &ust don%t seem to


19/114

know when to stop.!

“ am in a bad mood! said ayra she had lostthe conversation and again

and was in no mood to even bother , she said what she felt like and right

now she was very cranky.

5ome on get up! sidhnath tugged at mayra%s arm

“-o "idhanth ! “ am not going anywhere with you! he pulled her up form

her chair and mayra turned around and bit him. "hruti got up from the sofa

to walk towards mayra when sidhnath held up his hand to stop her.

"idhnath took both of mayra%s hands and twisted them tightly behind her.

“-ow you are going to behave are you going to come with me like a good

girl or should carry you over my shoulder. have booked a table for two

thirty and its already three. “what table 4 “ asked mayra very suspiciously.

“table at the grand canyon for their special crab and lobster festival! "hruti

smiled.

0ne thing that could get a smile on ayra%s sulky face was food. “ )ine wewill go! ayra ahd decided . "idhanth released mayra from his grip and

mayra started straightening the creases on her pants. "idhnath went to the

bathroom and shruti rummaged through mayra%s closet. 3

What do you want! asked mayra 3"oframycin.! "aid shruti

ts there in the cupboard above the sofa. "aid mayra "hruti reali*ed that the

cupboard was way above her reach. "he climbed on to the sofa.% on%t trip

over your sari! yelled mayra across the room. “why the hell do you want

soframycin in the first place 4! "hruti stood on the tip of her toes and

collected the sari that drapped over her shoulder in a bunch e(posing her

petite slim waist.

"idhnath ran water on his hand, where ayra had bitten him his skin had

coloured itself black and blue. "idhnath smiled ayra was cra*y and he

loved her for that. )or her complete madness. He came out of the bathroom

his hand were dripping with water. “ayra cost cutting is the mantra of the

day but no towels or tissue in the bathroom is taking things a little too far

don%t you think 4 “ mayra ignored sidhnath +uip.

"idhnath caught "hruti trying to reach the cupboard standing on the sofa and

he smiled. 3-ow what is so funny sidhnath! asked mayra. "idhnath crossedthe room and easily reached the cupboard and got the bo( out . "idhnaths

hand brushed against her as he reached out for the bo( and shruti swayed on

the bouncy couch. "idhnath moved in alittle bit a precaution to the slightly

of balance shruti. He held her hand as she struggled to find balance and

helped her get of the couch. . 3now that we are done with the bollywood

scene for the day can we please go and have some lunch.!


20/114

ayra looked up from her laptop for the first time in half an hour.

"hruti placed the bo( on the table and removed the antiseptic cream from the

bo(. "he looked at sidhnath and asked him to e(tend his hand.

“ please intimate me when you are done with this drama and shruti are u

mad what%s up with the medicine 7 “ ayra was not very happy and she

always showed it

“1ou know ayra she reali*es that when a wild animal scratches or bites it

needs to be disinfected. “Well"idhnath don%t remember you running for

antiseptic when was biting and sucking you dry in the middle of the

kitchen you seemed to pretty much en&oy that. ayra bree*ed out of the

office and closed the door. "hruti refused to look at and got busy applying

the cream delicately on to the affected area. Within a few seconds the &ob

was done she wished she could stand there with him forever. "idhanth could

see that "hruti was in serious contemplation. He placed his hand tenderly

over her shoulder “are you okay4! “1es,! said shruti “lets go!. ayra wassitting on one of the tables with her legs crossed laughing her head off.

“listen to this2.! “we are getting late mayra! said sidhnath. ayra hopped

of the desk. “lets go children “ she said and headed for the elevator.

“ayra you..! before shruti could finish her sentence. ayra was herding

her team of four “What 77777777 shruti 4 didn%t you hear sidhnath, he said he

is a rich boy of a rich father.! ayra always had the last word.


21/114

5hapter > today is to live

ayra looked at the delicious crab in front of her and attacked it with the

strength of a warrior goddess. 5rabs were an interesting species to eat. They

really made you work very hard. 1ou had to find your way through theirhard e(teriors breaking the shield bit by bit. There was always the danger of

being sprayed with &uices and tiny bits of the shell. ayra was prepared for

it. A huge e(panse of white cloth was tucked into her Tshirt and another was

spread on her lap. "he had &ust managed to break into one of the claws and

was scrapping the meat out of it when the bell started yelling. Her hands

were dripping with &uice and so was her face. ayra was in no mood to face

anybody with that face. The bell yelled again this time ayra attempted to

get up to open the door , then thought for a few seconds and sat down again.

He would come back, Whoever it was. ayra began working on the other

claw, she was lost in attempting to crack open his limb therefore she did not

hear the keys tinkle and the door open. "idhnath came and sat on the chair

opposite to marya on the dinning table.

“ 1ou make me take you to a crab festival and then not eat a thing.! ayra

hated people ticking her off “What the fuck2 “. The remaining of the claw

flew and struck sidhnath on his face. “amn it ayra you are thirty, haven%t

you learned not to throw food in peoples faces while eating it.! ayra got

back to concentrating on her crab! What%s the logic "idhanth! and serves

you right. “ for sneaking up on me 3ayra for heavens sake don%t talk while

chewing.! ayra kept the claw down and looked at "idhanth and smiled .twas a very clam sweet tone she said 3"idhnath if you are here to give me

eti+uette lessons please go take a flying fuck.! Well mayra am game if you

are . "idhnath smiled flirtatiously

ayra you can atleast try thinking about another person a shot “ ayra got

back at chewing the crab out of its &uices. 30fcourse do! “ 6ike how

ayra! “6ike eating the crab you paid for.! "idhnath picked up the plate


22/114

which was topped with empty crab shells and walked towards the kitchen.

3get me the bottle of wine from the fridge! yelled mayra. 9ohit threw the

empty crab shells in the dustbin, opened the fridge and removed the green

bottle of white wine. He picked up the wine glasses, which were kept in a

glass cabinet above the fridge and came back to the dinning table.

ayra had in the meantime gone and changed into a spaghetti pink top with

am +ueen written in diamantes and a pink pya&ama to match.

"itting on one of the chairs and facing ayra directly 9ohit poured the wine

in the respective glasses. The golden li+uid bubbled with &oy and threatened

to overflow. “ A toast to a better tomorrow! said 9ohit. 35heers! completed

ayra. "he took one large sip and smiled. "idhnath looked at her and

managed half of a smile. ayra looked at him and pursed her lips. 3"idhnath

please don%t start all over again! 3What 4 have not uttered a word.! "aid

the man “Then don%t! said ayra3 Well was &ust wondering what went wrong! sidhnath crossed his legs

“ We have spend a good fifteen years of our life finding an answer to that

and have got nothing but a negative Why do you want to go down that path

again. t &ust screws our heads “

3well you are right “ said sidhnath and got up from his chair and moved

towards ayra%s bedroom. ayra continued to take delicate sips from her

glass of wine. Her eyes trailed sidhnath as he sauntered across the room “are

you going to stay tonight! she yelled. There was no response mayra got up

and walked towards the bedroom. "idhnath had spread himself across the

bed and was staring at the wooden ceiling of the bed. 3"idhnath are we going

to play your fault my fault again! he rolled sideways and supported his head

on his palm and looked at her with lost eyes. “ wouldn%t mind.!

3but would sidhnath! t makes milkshake out of my brains “ Why do you

want to go and stand at the edge of the cliff and look down and crib of the

fact that there is nothing there but the deep dark blue sea 4 !

"idhnath looked at mayra “because of the hope that one day would have

the strength to &ump.! ayra went and sat on the cushions that had been

piled on top of each other touching the )rench windows. 3 sidhanth if you

had it in you to &ump you would have longtime ago.! “What about youmayra you never attempted to &ump either! “ -o didn%t because see no

point in &umping without learning how to swim on the other hand you

believe in &umping and then splashing you hands and legs to stay above

water.!

sidhnath picked up the cushion that was resting across the bed and propped

his back on it. “1ou know marriages don%t last fifteen years we have!.


23/114

ayra took a long sip of wine and sighed, e(actly marriages don%t

associations of every other shape. colour and si*e do. “ 3its so weird “ said

sidhnath sulking. 3ts not sidhnath its very simple every association begins

with a element of profit. arriage is the only association that transforms

itself into a habit that e(ists because of a mere time frame. ts years of

conditioning darling especially for us ndians. “

"idhnath removed the support from his back and supported his head lightly

on the pillows. His eyes were staring at the ceiling of the wooden bed above

him. “

“1ou have a answer for every +uestion in your head and for any other from

others don%t 1ou! mayra smiled and twirled the wine in her glass “t%s a

better idea to have answers than face the fact of the absence of them.%%

"idhnath closed his eyes and cradled his head with the nook of his arm.

“when was the last time you did not have a ready answer ayra from whichrestaurant to eat, to what colour of socks match the trousers, to why we can

never get married you have a answer to every +uestion.! ayra crossed her

legs and arranged another pillow behind her. 31ou are getting bitter again

9sidhnath! We had mutually decided that we are not going to rake up the

dead.

“t was your decision ayra ! “)ine you want to scratch what has healed be

my guest "idhanth!

“1ou are a stubborn woman ayra!

“and you are a very passive guy sidhnath!

sidhnath opened his eyes and sat up on the bed. “#ut for me wanted you in

my life as you are , no changes demanded you on the other hand wanted me

to be ur shade of red ! There was silence that was pushing away the space

that was closing between mayra and sidhnath. ayra was staring at the limp

yellow li+uid in the tulip shaped glass. sidhnath looked at her and asked

“ you have no answer mayra! “ told you sidhnath don%t have answers

&ust pretend that do ,will it make sense if tell you that because was

selfish and you were not!

sidhnath stared at her without flinching “1ou reali*e what you are saying!

31es do sidhnath! he got up from the bed and pulled the bean bag lyingne(t to the cupboard. ayra didn%t look up from her glass 3sidhanth is it

necessary for you to sit so close! he had fluffed the bean bag and had settled

in comfortably. “ want to be able to look into your eyes ayra! 3#ut don%t

want to look at you! ayra screamed and smashed the wine glass onto the

wall in front of her.


24/114

"idhnath fro*e. "ilence enveloped the shatter. ayra turned to sidhnath and

screamed 3 am not going to eat you alive , bloody hell you are si( three and

am five what the hell am going to do to you 4 cant you bloody hell &ust

hold me and tell me its going to be okay! sidhnath didn%t move a inch.

ayra picked up the vase form the bed stand and threw it across the room

into the passage that lead to the hall.

sidhnathgot up from the beanbag and walked out of the house. ayra saw

his e(it and stood where she was without flinching. "he was waiting wanting

the tears to flow but none came. ayra traced her steps to the kitchen and

pulled the rum out of the kitchen cabinet and poured herself a large drink.

Three cubes of ice and a little pepsi, she picked up the glass and took it with

her and plopped herself on the sofa. t was nine pm and she was &ust in time

for her favorite soap opera.

The knots in her throat and heart had melted and she could breath much better. "he picked up the fourth glass from the right ,ne(t to the other three

empty ones and gulped the last sip that swimmed in the mountain of ice.

There was silence in her head and heart. n front of her 9a& picked up the

asleep 9ani from the couch and lay her on the comfortable bed and then

pulled the covers over her. ayra looked at the visuals being played in front

of her and sighed. At that moment there was no difference between 9ani and

ayra they were one ayra could feel the warmth that arose from the

gentleness with which 9a& carried 9ani in his arms. The care and affection

reflecting in his eyes. The end credits rolled and mayra switched the

television off. Her feet and become numb and finding them was difficult, she

could feel a gentle bree*e playing with her hair swaying her sideways.

ayra stood up and confronted the strong bree*e trying to hold it away from

her with her hands , cursing herself to have kept the windows open and for

not leaving the lights on, the bree*e helped her float she could see the large

mass of her beautiful wood bed in front of her and she was inches away form

the mass of soft white heaven. "he took another step towards that heaven

and within a few seconds something slashed her skin. ayra screamed. $ain

and a burning sensation erupted in each and every pore of her body. The

bree*e stopped flowing and the room suddenly came into sharp focus. ayralimped and walked back to the hall. There was glass strewn all over the

bedroom she wasn%t feeling too brave at the moment. Her sole was dripping

with blood and smarting as hell. ayra had a very low resistance to pain and

this was closest she could get to hell. 8etting up to go and get the medicine

bo( from the closet was going to be impossible, her blood was dripping

making a mini pool on the ground. The colour red was her favorite. The red


25/114

droplets had mesmeri*ed her and she continued to stare at them counting

each drop with every thump of pain. Her phone sang a cheerful tune and she

+uickly pulled it out of the sofa crack hoping that sidhnath would reflect

from its itsy bitsy screen. “1es r 9athod! “ am glad that you decided to

accept my offer yes you shall have the draft in your inbo( tomorrow.! The

screen went back to a blank and ayra looked at it hoping that it will blink

again with a name that would take away each and every ounce of pain from

her body and leave her satiated. -othing like that happened. ayra went

into her contacts and reached for "idhanth 9a&put . #etween his voice and

her was a flick of her finger. "he knew better than that. t would end in

severe disappointment and severe pain more painful than what she was

e(periencing right now. The actions and reactions were so obvious. ayra

would call and say “Hello! “ayra how many times do need to tell you

that you cannot call me at a unearthly hour.

What is it 4! "he would say “-othing! 3Then why the fuck do you want to

harass me like this mean don%t you learn ever. How difficult it is to ask for

some space in life e(cept having you corner me every waking moment of

my life 7! "he would begin to say “sidhnath! he would respond with3What

is it 7 have been asking the same bloody +uestion for the past fifteen

minutes! "he would say “-othing!

The blood continued to drip, there was the bell ringing in her head again.

aybe if she concentrated on the pain the ringing would go away. "he had

learnt o harness the into(ication of pain.

$ain being one of the most consistent factors that creates the fabric of life. t

had taken her thirty years to learn the fact that you cannot escape pain. The

day she reali*ed that she e(perienced what they called nirvana. )reedom

from the unending struggle to break free from the sharp pricks of

disappointment and despair. "he had learned the trick of passively observing

herself convulse

ayra closed her eyes and dropped her head on the back of the couch. "he

was going to wait. r tick tick was walking and she could hear him take

sturdy steps she wished that she could walk with him with his assuredness.He knew where he was going and what he was going to encounter. "he on

the other hand knew that the ne(t step could either lead her to a smile or

leave her at the steps of disappointment. "he neither wanted to e(perience

the happiness which lead to a smile neither the pain which heralded pain.

ayra was very tired she couldn%t bring up those barriers, which killed

every emotional want in her. "he let herself flow in the pain. Her body was


26/114

being washed clean by the physical pain and the emotional pain was

cleansing her soul. When she would stand at the tunnel she would be clean

and would not be denied entry into the gates of eternal life. "omething was

yet not feeling right, there should have been nothing but peace at this point

of time but there was not, she was pretending that nothing was wrong but

couldn%t deceive herself. aybe it was her 05 D0bsessive compulsive

disorder kicking in. This was the point of no return if she missed the white

light she would be stuck in a cycle of which she did not want to be part of.

ayra closed her eyes and started counting once again =.;.>.@.?.F2 there

was nothing wrong now, it wasn%t her fault, it was a accident, she could get

up right now to reach the phone, the battery of her mobile phone ne(t to her

was dead, this wasn%t suicide this was a accident.

ayra%s breathing evened out and she started to get the numbers in her grasp

again, it was going to be okay, she was feeling very sleepy' she was sitting

on the rocks of a beach she seemed so small compared to the vast blue. The pain in her heart the +uestion in her mind seemed even more miniscule. Her

heart started to beat at a pace that was making her feel e(tremely

uncomfortable, mayra tried focusing on the numbers which were passing by

but her heart was running way to fast for her mind to catch up. "he was

standing at the edge of the water and it was getting dark, slowly and steadily

she was walking into the unending sheet of water. The water was very cold

And the fear in her heart shook hands with the coldness that was seeping

into her bones. There was control right now, she could balance herself now,

but a few steps and a few seconds later she would be uprooted from her feet

very so lightly by the cradling water and there would be no control then. -ot

on her life not on her death. ayra opened her eyes with a urgency when

one is fighting for those last inches of life. What she e(pected was a very

clear picture of the painting that always stared at her from the wall across.

9ight now there was nothing but a ha*e of 6ight. "pinning and spinning

around her. ayra closed her eyes shut again, but then opened them as fast

as she shut them she knew what she was risking here she was risking her life

not for this lifetime but the remaining also. The urgency of the situation

threw each and every emotion and thought of philosophy out of her mind.

This was the time only for action. Her leg had gone numb and as she tried toget up she reali*ed that the lower part of the body was rendered useless at

the moment. #reath said mayra breath you have to save your soul .


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5hapter a bad feeling

"hruti tried sleeping she turned to her right side and then to her left, fluffed

her pillow and tried counting sheep but nothing seemed to work. There was

this huge weight that was kept on her chest and she could not breath. "he

hated it when she felt like this. "omething was going to go wrong

somewhere and she had no clue. "he had to wait patiently for it to take place

and remain a mute spectator to it till it formed itself. After which she would

be able to breath normally. "hruti turned and looked at her husband sleeping

soundly ne(t to her. "he looked at his face and tried to find reassurance.

There was nothing to find e(cept the routine. An acceptance of life as it is

without any intense emotion. There was a reflection of the supposed to, the

apparently right and the conditioned wrong. 6ong since she knew the futility

of waking him up. Hemant would have looked at her with a look of

disapproval and contempt then he would have turned around and would havegone back to sleep leaving her more lonely than before.

"he got up from her bed and walked into the hall, her purse was still lying

on the sofa, she removed a piece of paper from it and picked up the receiver

of her ancient telephone.

“Hello! she said softly scared of waking her husband up and also scared of

maybe waking herself up too.

sidhnath had been trying to sleep, but unfortunately mayra refused to let him

sleep. "he tortured him with her hapless eyes, she was a strong woman and

that%s what had attracted him to her in the first place but somewhere down

the line her strength turned into her weakness, she couldn%t see him he saw

that. "he &ust wanted her to reflect on ever piece of glass.

0ne never appreciates what one has till it leaves him, he had left her after

nearly three years of being invisible to her, every disappointment, every

neglect, every humiliation tore away a part f his love for her. He believed in

immortal love the love that is unconditional the type which once invited in

your heart never leaves you. They had mated for life. Then one fine day he

sat across her and looked into her eyes and he saw nothing but black, he

couldn%t see the love that looked across the miirors and and smiled at him.

He held her hand and waited for his heart to warm, they were cold and sowas his heart. He got up and walked away , mayra did not follow him or ask

him to wait she &ust sat there looking at him disappear through the revolving

doors as if he was a dream which prolonged way past the wee hours of the

morning but nonethe less a dream from which you have wake up. "he was

still sleeping refusing to wake up.


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His heart was get warm again as a soft voice transcened through the ears and

somehow lodged into his heart. n that moment of elation was a moment of

guilt. Was this possible, could magic find its way into his life again,was it a

residue of mayra%s love or was the soft voice knocking at his conscience

finding the way to true love. id it e(ist in the first place or was it &ust a

figment of imagination created to fill a void, to give you a mirage which

defined your life. 6ike religion an abstract concept which was created

sometime somewhere to give you the guidelines to live a life that someone

somewhere decided that you should live, obviously through trial and error. s

love trial and error a &ourney which you start but it never ends because there

is no destiny. The voice was saying something sidhanth concentrated. The

ne(t moment made him regret having +uestioned his concept of love.

ayra had closed her eyes and sidhanth prayed for a second chance, life was

too high a price, he could make this work. "hruti looked at sidharth andknew that her dream was over even before it started.

ayra woke up and there sat ne(t to her the man who made waking up in a

white antiseptic smelling room one of the most happy days of her life. His

eyes were filled to the brim with an emotion which she never thought his

heart would create for her. "idhanth held her hand, never wanting to leave it

scared that he would find her again bleeding to death and he would be

begging for a chance which perhaps he would not get again. ayra could

not take her eyes of him she was trying to read a flicker which had never

been there before ,she was trying to interpret it but &ust couldn%t. "idhanth

caught her looking at him intently and looked away scared that she would

read in his eyes and what was lurking in his heart , fear.

t took a week of insipid food and hours of smiles shared with "idhanth

before mayra was back to the same walls which reeled and mocked her.

The house had never seemed more welcoming than before the hall was airy,

full of sunlight, fragrance flitted about as if it was as party of the senses.

"idhanth helped wobble her to her room and tucked her in her bed of

everlasting love.

6ife could never have been better she couldn%t stop smiling, yet sidhanths

smile &ust didn%t seem to reach his eyes, she could see the warmth in his eyesyet something was missing.

The sun gave shruti company as she had her morning tea. "he was &ust back

from ayra%s house after supervising the cleaning, stocking her fridge and

arranging the flowers. "he could have been there right now but she &ust did

not have the strength to cheat herself ,she couldn%take any more of the love

display that was on air right now , she was &ust tired ,one week seemed like


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forever and she was glad that it was over.

Hemant had left for a week long business trip and she had the whole house

to herself she would sit at the window the whole day not having to obsess

with the cleanliness of the house . -ot that she suffered from 05 but

Hemant did. "he had got used to it over time, subconsciously her hand went

and searched for the slight dent on her forehead, it was such a miniscule

mark now, that you could hardly see it, on her soul it would always be a long

bloody gash. As it was that day, the sink was filled with dirty utensils and

Hemant came home early , that day she learned that words could hurt, the

pounding of his voice and the sting of his words made her hit the floor, her

forehead had a date with the sink tap as it banged with it in contact. #efore

she knew she was lying on the floor bloody wondering if this was a

nightmare.

That day her blood pressure reached an impossible low and so did her life.

Hemant didn%t belive in maids . information which was shared with her bloody head. "he often wondered what was she still doing here, why didn%t

she &ust get up and leave. "omehow the impact of the brass tap on her head

broke more than her head it broke her soul.

The sun was blinding her with his magnetic personality yet she did not want

to look away. "he wanted to stare at him till it hurt, like love and like love

she had to look away because after a few moments the warmth and

brightness of the sun was hurting her. 6ove hurt she had seen mayra hurt,

she had seen her mother hurt, she had seen her sister hurt. That%s when she

had decided that love shall never decide her tomorrow she will , and she did

and that hurt too hurt so badly that it left a scar or should we say scars.

"hruti pulled her chair closer to the balcony railing which was nothing but

wrought iron bars held together by iron bars. A dog could easily pass

through them. t was dangerous for a dog or a kid. #ut what had she to

worry both were an impossibility, Hemant hated dogs , and kids were

possible if you had a marriage what they had between them was a

eogoistical man%s sadistic desire.

t was ;G


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safe.They had a lunch date.

"hruti plonked herself on the beautiful Bictorian bed that ayra had

managed to somehow dig from a relic of a bunglow in 8oa. The bed was a

symbol of beauty and romance from an era when the men opened doors and

the women blushed with innocence. ayra was resting her back against the

propped pillows and looked at "hruti lovingly caress her white embroidered

sheets. "hruti seemed blissful today a peace not known to her reflected on

her face ayra guessed hitler was not at home. t felt so good to see "hruti

so rela(ed and at peace with herself she could never fathom the reason why

"hruti ahd married Hemant let alone why the hell was she still married to

him after all the mental abuse.

The idealist "hruti was always wearing the feminist tag ready to fight for the

honour, safety and respect of women. "he was part of each and everywomen%s liberation movement in college , was the star speaker of the debate

group,kicked boys in their balls who eve teased and ran a night class for the

maid%s of her area, she was a firebrand ayra looked up to, someone who

held her hand and walked her across the college campus when she was

cowering in fear the round big glasses obviously didn%t help her case nor did

her weight.

"omehwere between being twenty and thirty and a series of failed

relationships which were pure bad luck than anything else "hruti made a

informed choice, but as luck would have it. that informed wouldn%t be much

of a great choice anyway. 0ne thing mayra respected shruti for , she had

hope, a belief that she would have in her life what she wanted A man to

come home to at night and a bed in which she could snuggle to him.

5ompared to the shit she had to put up with , 6ife was a cake walk for

mayra, not that she did not know that but somehow the hole of loving and

not be loved in return was so big that every privilege she had seemed so

small on the front of that. -othing seemed to hold any importance to her the

adrenaline rush that she used to get when she closed a deal had also

disappeared from her system nothing made her feel good anymore e(cept the

hints of a possibility that one day sidhanth would look into her eyes and shewould see in them the light of love that burned in hers if something like that

even e(isted. "he wanted him to think about her, want to see her smile, want

to hold her hand and not let it go, she wanted him to look into her eyes and

never look away.

The door bell rang and both mayra and "hruti were &erked out of their each

personal revelry. "hruti looked at mayra and made the effort to get out of


31/114

bed mayra did not move her ass. "hruti smiled she was so sure that it was

5hinese, it ahd been pi**a yesterday. "he took the package from the delivery

boy and payed.

The food was still hot therefore there was no need to heat it she took the

package and keptit on the dinning table in the living room and then entered

the kitchen to find plates and spoons. Till then ayra and come out of the

bedroom and had already started helping herself to the food on the table.

"hruti sat ne(t to mayra watching her eat. ayra 3s eyes lit up as she took a

mouthful of the hakka noodles and the chicken chilly shruti couldn%t help

but smile, the satisfaction of a morsel of food was like that of a child licking

an icecream.

Twenty minutes later mayra was lounging on the sofa in her huge dining hall

sipping on coke and shruti was nursing her lemonade. ayra couldn%t take

her eyes off from the gash that sat on shruti%s forehead a afaint line

nevertheless marring her pretty face. "hruti looked away from mayra and outside the huge )rench window

towards the evening sky , which was slowly turning to a deep orange

painting , a different hue of orange with each brush of time, it was beautiful

and "hruti was tarsnfi(ed, ama*ed by the beauty that the world beheld.

ayra traced "hakti%s look and looked at the sky it was beautiful the

atmosphere had turned soft the momet was pregnant with promise of a

magical moment one which could turn your life around. 6ike all good things

in life and all promises the sky walked away with nothing but a sneer on its

face and before one knew , the romance was replaced with the sinister black

and the black continued unending , unchanging stationary and stoic like

destiny.

"hruti was the first one to get up “ am going home ayra!

ayra looked at her coke and decided that it was time that it had company

she got up and moved towards the bar.

"hruti went and stood beside her “ you are not going to not drink our self to

sleep everyday are you!

ayra looked at her, at the same time dropping ice cubes into the cut glass

“ you are not going to leave him are you.!

“point well made “ said "hruti and walked towards the door. The dread thatshe felt each time she made the &ourney to Hemant%s house was now

replaced with nothingness.

6ife ahd become a habit so had the hurt and so had the pain. #ut today the

nothingness had a twinge of disappointment. "he had tried to fight it she had

tried to run from it but had found herself back at the same crossroad the

same hell the same prison.


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5hapter

Hemant was filthy rich had ancestral money not mention the F


33/114

in mysterious ways. Her loneliness was finally arrived at the end of its

&ourney and all the men who had told her she was too plane and boring

could eat their heart out.

#efore she knew she was rs Hemant Thukral. All the witnesses were

arranged by hemant and what seemed like a few seconds they were climbing

down the steps of the court ready to start their new lifes.

This was an adventure "hruti never thought she was capapble of taking the

risk , she had gone and betted her whole life on a whim.

"omewhere in her heart the strings did pull, she had married for money

would it ever turn out okay 4 she chided her for her negativity . on%t people

win lotteries this was &ust like that. As they descended one step at a time her

eyes were looking out for the car she always wanted to own a merc and she

was sure that Hemant owned one. "he descended the final step and still

couldn%t see a car decked with flowers signaling itself as the carrier of the

newly weds. aybe the driver is arriving she thought. #efore she couldreali*e what was happening Hemant hailed a cab and ushered her inside and

they were of.

t was not her place to +uestion yet so she did not. He gave him an address in

bandra and "hruti sighed a relief the address was of an upmarket district and

ten minutes away from ayra. The cab stopped in front of an old building,

the age of which showed from its chipping paint and bare bricks. Hemant

got out and started walking towards the building. "he waited in the cab not

knowing what to do. Hemant stopped and turned around walked back to her

and hissed “ what are you waiting for “ at the moment she knew that her

bastard destiny had played her a hand.

The house was a one bedroom apartment with all the amenities the living

room had a sofa, a dining table, a book shelf and a flat screen tv. The

kitchen was stocked with the necessary utesnils, a fridge and a mi(er. The

bedroom had a bed and cupboard. Hardly the house of a millionaire, As she

drank the room in she stood there not able to move , her mind was running

at a speed of =


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the bed. That day she e(perienced how time could stand still.Her name was

being yelled out and that made her get up and she followed the yelling to the

kitchen like a automaton. Hemant was standing there with the strainer in his

hand tea leaves in it and a voice that could shatter glass.

t took her three months to learn his ways and another two for her to

officially become a low bp patient.. There were days when she tried to love

him despite the humiliated heart and hurting soul , looking at his face and

trying to find some sign of desperateness some inkling that would &ustify his

behavior ,something which could ignite some feeling in her heart sans the

hate and fear.

The house was empty and the sound of silence was like music to her ears,

she entered the house and headed for the balcony."he hated the house, it

reeked of disintegration, any plea for renovation was retaliated by “ oney

is -ot yours to blow “

"he used to wait for Hemant to be gone one of his long business trips. Thesetrips were the only reason why she was sane, frankly she was surprised or

rather impressed with herself that she had not flown the cuckoo way till now.

He was very convincing when it came to making her believe that she was the

root of all problems, somehow somewehere she had begin to agree with him.

The morning of each day began with the dread of disappointment how was

she going to disappoint him today, there were so many ways she could say

something and that would be offensive, her cooking could be repulsive or

merely her e(istence in the same room as him would make him repulsed by

her shocking stupidity.

1es she was stupid she had learned to accept the fact that she was. There was

a time when she thought that she was an intelligent soul, she could

understand the nuances of color and life and she could translate it onto her

clean white barren canvas bringing it to life making it dance, telling a story

which anybody would be delighted to hear.

That seemed such a long time ago and seemed so foolish now.

"hruti was an art student and therefore the world of numbers and logic was

left behind a very long time ago. Her world of colors seemed much more

appealing to her, infact her world was much beautiful than the world outside

of her canvas."itting in the balcony she looked at the setting sun. There was a time when

the million colors of the sky came out to play as the sky hid the sun in its

bosom. "he would sit enchanted for hours lost in the shades of each hiding

ray of sun trying to imagine it on a piece of white sky and then wondering

how would she infuse the blue into the white and then hold on to the million

shades of yellow.


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Today she &ust stared at the sky waiting for her heart to tell her that it was

alive that the sun was singing her a song trying to woo her telling her to fall

in love again with its million hues. "he stared at it with a warm cup of tea in

her hands waiting for her heart to skip a beat wanting her heart to dance .

There was no song and there was no music the million shades of the sun she

could recogni*e before had turned into a single shade of yellow.

"hruti closed her eyes tightly wanting the hurt to go away but there it was in

her heart tightly holding it in its strong grip strangling it. t was here to stay

and it was not going to go away. The hurt was going to hurt and her heart

was never going to dance again.

"hruti got up and kept the empty cup of tea in the sink . "he was going to

leave the utensils unwashed today, that was the highlight of her day, not

having to turn into a mechanical robot who cleaned the house, kept things in

place and lived a perfectly spot free life without a crease and without a line,

without chaos without colors.aybe the stench of the rotting tea leaves would ease the hurt into feeling

another emotion maybe of disgust. "he stared at the tea leaves wanting them

to talk to her to tell her a story. They said that you could read your future in

the tea leaves she dint know how to she &ust wished that there could be a

miracle, maybe her god would show her some magic the magic that came

with him.

Her colors were her magic, when she stared at a blank canvas there used to

be nothing but an empty soul as empty as the white piece of paper and then

magic used to touch her paintbrush and the white turned into a myriad of

colors those colors which he had created and shades which she never

thought even e(isted used to come alive in front of her and then she used to

make his divine creation come alive.

That was magic, he gives and he takes away. He had taken the magic away

from her and today she wanted it back, she was not greedy she didn%t want

the managnamious, she &ust wanted enough to give her the strength to surive

enough to breath enough to love him one day, know that she was going to be

okay, that the night will turn into day, that there would be a silver lining to

her dark cloud.

The tea leaves stared back at her and she knew that magic had left her andwas not going to return back to her so soon. "he left the kitchen and walked

into the dining room and sat on the couch. There was nothing to feel there

was nothing to do. The television was blaring and she was looking at the

colors that filled her tv screen she dint move. Her heart was sitting tight but

her mind was free as the wind. t was knocking in her head and the sound

was irritating her. t wanted her to paint. t wanted her to pick up the phone


36/114

and call ayra. "he increased the volume of the television hoping that it

would drain the noise but it didn%t seem to help. "he started surfing and

finally she stopped at a channel the colors on the few inches black bo( made

her smile. The knocking seemed to stop for a while.


37/114

5hapter

ayra was sitting her huge desk in the office staring at the computer screen.

There was mail which had caught her attention in the morning, there was a

huge smile on her face but her eyebrows and turned into archs. $roperty was

her forte she could smell the potential in a rundown dilapidated piece of

retail and could turn it into a profit in record time. "he was +uite modest

about it, her ad was super proud of her so was sidhanth%s she smiled

thinking about the twinkle in both her daddy%s eyes .

The smile didn%t last for more than a few seconds when she remembered the

lack of appreciation on sidhanth%s face amn god knows what his problem

was , he was +uite the unappreciative bastard god knows how many time she

had saved his ass in business. He was terrible at business decisions, bade

papa was into construction the synergy worked perfectly with both the

families. "idhanth lacked the si(th sense which every good businessman orwoman had, he was always so lost. t was a horrible habit she hated it as

much as bade papa did.

Her frown and smile routine was disturbed by a knock on the door and she

turned to look half e(pecting it to be sidhanth but was disappointed to find

that it was her dad. ayra smiled she +uickly g

hold on to love forever

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