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ErikP.KraftHaiku-A-Day2011

Introduction

I had always wanted to do a haiku-a-day

project, but for some reason never got

around to it. I even started once, but only

kept to it for about a week. I finally realized

that I needed public shaming to keep me

going, so once I decided to post them on my

Tumblr, I stuck with it, though only three

people were watching.

Looking back at them all together, it seems

some of them arent so great, some could

actually pass for real haiku, and some are

pretty funny. As a document of this

experiment, I think this collection is pretty

interesting. If nothing else, I learned that I

had a lot of sinus infections in 2011. Now

you know too.

-Erik P. Kraft, April 2013

2

1/1/11 Unseasonably

warm. Still managed to waste most

of the day. Good nap!

1/2/11 Felix In Jelly

Brought all the way from Iceland

Many years ago

1/3/11 Harvard Square bargains

Are nowhere to be had, sir

Cram your need to save

3

1/4/11 Linux on MacBook?

Why would you do that, hoser?

I hope its dual-boot

1/5/11 And so the cold sneaks up

Ill be fine, I say. Ha!

Need some potions now

1/6/11 Craigslist car listings

How you make me want to kill

Need a hoopty, stat

4

1/7/11 Had a few cocktails

Also on the internet

Seemed like a good move

1/8/11 Reverend Awdry

One day vengeance will be mine

Some day soon, I hope

1/9/11 When your casting call

Is in a Fitchburg sub shop

Outlook not so good

5

1/10/11 Have you been eating

hot dog buns? she says to me

Relish melt city (I wrote this down first thing this morning, but have no

recollection of doing so)

1/11/11 Snow day tomorrow?

I certainly hope so, friends

Day off for the kid!

1/12/11 Haiku in the news!

NPR does not ask me

Cram it, Tom Ashbrook

6

1/13/11 Cooking wife meatballs

Vegetarian remorse

I did not give in

1/14/11 Eating pizza, snap!

I think I chipped my front tooth

Thats right, from pizza

1/15/11 My favorite joke ends

Holy shit, a talking dog!

Forgot the setup

7

1/16/11 Dear Mr. Tolkien

Where does one park a fell beast?

They seem rather large

1/17/11 I am horrible

I deserve an Arbor Mist!

Urg durg flurgle burg

1/18/11 The last Thylacine

Paces the cage, neurotic

But only on film

8

1/19/11 Preschool open house

Graham finds the only Thomas,

Proceeds to flip out

1/20/11 What is this nonsense?

Mid-season replacement crap

Die, die, TV, die

1/21/11 Called in snow to work

Got no emails from users

Get bent, 9 to 5

9

1/22/11 Note on the windshield

I would like to buy your car!

Car is not for sale?

1/23/11 Wife is mortified

In the Ape Dude mask I dance

All about the yard

1/24/11 Expectations down!

Today has eaten it, kid

Hope Tuesday sucks less

10

1/25/11 Put the garbage out

It snows every single time

Snow banks topped with cans

1/26/11 Train is late again

Its not even snowing yet!

Camaraderie

1/27/11 Hard drive still kaput

Some emails still are missing

Magnum P.I., help

11

1/28/11 No heat on the train

Juggalos need the bathroom

At least its on time

1/29/11 Shoveling the roof

My mother is convinced that

Collapse is our doom

1/30/11 Surface of the moon

Craters, crags, faux lunar-y

My backyard snowscape

12

1/31/11 Fifteen to twenty

We are in the twenty range

Snow, that is. White Gold.

2/1/11 Stupid jerk email

Sent myself todays drawing

Inbox remains blank

2/2/11 Reach into the snow

Pull a log from the darkness

Birthin log babies

13

2/3/11 AARP mail

On my birthday - well timed!

Not quite that old yet

2/4/11 Slept almost all day

My parents call me too much

Im sick, hold my calls

2/5/11 Wet paint has a smell

My sons diaper also smells

Guess which one won out?

14

2/6/11 Snow from on the roof

Now reaches up to the roof

Soon we have igloo

2/7/11 Damn snoring kitty

Oftentimes its cute and fun

Not at 3am

2/8/11 Forgetting something

Have thought and thought and thought but

Still cant remember

15

2/9/11 Everything I need

All together in one place

Except what I need

2/10/11 Grunts across the room

Every breath a burst of snurr

Kitty sinus woes

2/11/11 Craigslist want ad guy

Pie to face ads for months now

No one takes the bait

16

2/12/11 Damn Dan Fogelberg

I have not heard you for years

Yet youre in my head

2/13/11 When it gets colder

Do people in Tibet dress

In Himalayers?

2/14/11 Only 8 oclock

Is it bedtime yet, my love?

Happy Valentines (By bedtime I legit mean go to sleep, perverts)

17

2/15/11 Got the jimmy legs

No stretching can help me now

No choice but to dance

2/16/11 The cake is no more

I will miss you, birthday cake

Eat you in my dreams

2/17/11 Diet Coke is like

Liquid Poison Bologna

It kills you slowly

18

2/18/11 Teflon mellow cat

He can harsh, but not be harshed

Multitudes, contained

2/19/11 House is finally clean

Graham will mess it up for sure

Before our guests come

2/20/11 Someday, I know that

The cats will eat my legs off

Canned food tonight, though

19

2/21/11 When healing the sick

Hope they dont cough in your face

Thats how they get you

2/22/11 A wrong cheese/salad

Dear sir/madam, I ate this

Which one is correct?

2/23/11 Heartburn is constant

Why is food the enemy?

Tapeworms, help me now

20

2/24/11 I used to work with

a girl with a long mole, son

It was like a stem

2/25/11 Student is struggling

Umbrella bag? Say what now?

Confusion consumes

2/26/11 Have a punk rock stroke

Psycho Killer, bof fri fleu

fa fa fa fa faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

21

2/27/11 The film Pearl Harbor

Is as bad as I was told

Possibly much worse

2/28/11 Snow, sleet, rain, snow, sleet

Speedo weather so far off

Speedo comes off too

3/1/11 Ginger, turmeric

Give me it, Ill eat it all

So done being sick

22

3/2/11 In like a lion

I didnt expect lions

In my sinuses

3/3/11 Still on the damn train

Pushed down the track by the 6:00

Two stops every stop

3/4/11 Half and half perhaps

Unsweetened soy drink, yum!

So many liquids

23

3/5/11 Homeless guy tells me

They took the skin off my feet

Not sure who they are

3/6/11 Sunday in the car

Teaching son rototom fills

(in the air) to Rush

3/7/11 Am I awake now?

Or am I dreaming again

Of Cyndi Lauper?

24

3/8/11 March drags on and on

I guess its only the 8th

But Ive had enough

3/9/11 Strange things are afoot

Mugs missing, hair on my fork

My desk, a crime scene

3/10/11 Favorite Irish Saint?

Thomas OSinus, of course

Patron of my pain

25

3/11/11 Minding my own bs

Dude hit me right in the face

With his rhythm stick

3/12/11 The aroma wafts

Cloud of doom beneath the sink

Leaky ball faucet

3/13/11 Snoring fat kitty

Did you say something? I ask

for the hundredth time

26

3/14/11 Money comes and goes

Insurance bill always comes

When money has gone

3/15/11 Burned lips on water

Then burned hand on hot handle

This is my year, right?

3/16/11 Revenge served up cold

We have found the kitty poops

In my sons bedroom

27

3/17/11 Please stop boiling meats

I dont eat them anyway

But that is real gross

3/18/11 Did the pants just shrink?

Or could they be the tiny

pants of shame? (THEYRE REAL)

3/19/11 Glad I chose to write

haikus every day and not

making porno films

28

3/20/11 Horseshoe crabs: ancient

Blue blood like the Kennedys

Much smaller teeth, though

3/21/11 The road to Hell is

in fact paved with stuffed monkeys

That was a surprise.

3/22/11 Rat head puppet show

The teens will not learn a thing

But think class is fun

29

3/23/11 Turns out it is not

Living in a fish island

Please forgive me, Rush

3/24/11 The snow will not stop

Snowbanks recede, new storms come

Spring, summer cancelled

3/25/11 I would like to draw

Bank error in your favor

In real life just once

30

3/26/11 Rotten log fire

Spongy, mushy, not that great

Found them in the yard

3/27/11 A plague of titmice

Descends upon the back yard

Let my feeder go

3/28/11 Dont be an asshole

She says, as I fill out forms

His job is not child.

31

3/29/11 He wants bedtime cheese

A stalling technique, perhaps

Weird and gross, for sure

3/30/11 The lonely goatherd

Actually not so lonely

Just misanthropic

3/31/11 Lets go on a spree

Shooting at pools from the train

(Above-ground only)

32

4/1/11 Hey its that lady

You know, the one from that thing

That thing she was in

4/2/11 Centralia, PA

Underground coal fires burn

Powering nothing

4/3/11 There are types of apes

That eat your skin, sexily

Skin-eating sex apes

33

4/4/11 Herr Kartoffelkopf

Stab eyes into his spud face

Can also use fruit

4/5/11 Needs more derring-do

I have made do in the past

Not this kind, I fear

4/6/11 I need to branch out

Can you still be a swineherd?

Swine seem pretty cool

34

4/7/11 Forgot my haiku

I thought of it at lunchtime

Senility now

4/8/11 Angry Conductor

But the Red Sox won, buddy

Still, he hates Lackey

4/9/11 Im all itchy now

Bed bugs? Deer ticks? Yard work rash?

Calamine bath time

35

4/10/11 Exploring the woods

Snake vine, car seats, gin bottles

Natures full glory

4/11/11 I said to myself

The train has sucked less lately

Then it stepped it up

4/12/11 Full moon, crowded train

Misanthropic werewolf guy

has some work to do

36

4/13/11 Getting worms by mail

I considered doing this

Balance is zero

4/14/11 Turmeric by mail

Open the mailbox - yellow!

Did not have to pay

4/15/11 Has Atlas shrugged yet?

His arms must be so tired

He is such a stud

37

4/16/11 Oh, that new car smell?

Kind of makes me want to barf.

That will mask the scent

4/17/11 Picked up my taxes

Taken for all I am worth

GE pays nothing

4/18/11 Alton Browns tangent

His bowel theories now told

Methylcellulose

38

4/19/11 Feline locavores

Turn up their noses at food

from a can. How gauche!

4/20/11 Interesting thing, this

Read book about amnesia

Remember nothing

4/21/11 Where is my pizza?

Donde esta mi pizza?

Oh, here it is now.

39

4/22/11 Sugared up baby

Culprit on her way back home

You win this time, Mom

4/23/11 Its Easter eve, yo

Santa rides a bunny down

Your chimney tonight

4/24/11 Hidden mole family

Baby moles are on the loose

Surprise in the weeds

40

4/25/11 Passing whiff of squid

Wifes leftovers, microwaved

Tofu lacks a scent

4/26/11 There are ebbs and flows

One minute its rage, then calm

(Mostly just at work)

4/27/11 Turn left - click click click

Turn right - click click click as well

Ball joint fairy - HELP

41

4/28/11 The odor wafts past

Manure or stagnant water?

Nobody wins here

4/29/11 Chaos rules the hall

Alone stands a Chihuahua

Finding twitchy peace

4/30/11 April showers bring

May flowers, but it didnt

Rain that much this time

42

5/1/11 The ralph stays inside

Trouble me no more, I say

It lingers, mocking

5/2/11 Glaring man on train

In love, or just real angry?

Freaking us all out

5/3/11 Country life has perks

Cool manure breezes blowing

Fertilize my nose

43

5/4/11 Allergies or cold?

May arrives, questions are asked

Pollen coats the world

5/5/11 Honey and borax

The ants gorge towards their doom

Suspecting nothing

5/6/11 Friday night routine

Cleaning the cats grody ears

This is living, yes?

44

5/7/11 Was away til now

Will catch up on this stuff soon

You will deal with it

5/8/11 Toddler sugar high

Birthday cake causes meltdown

Happy mothers day

5/9/11 Week ends, week begins

I seem to remember a

thing called the weekend

45

5/10/11 Who would have known that

prescription deodorant

could be cool? Ad men!

5/11/11 Baby yard bunny

Lurks at the edge of the bush

Indoor cats notice

5/12/11 He stands before the

Cafeteria cheese pump

Thats good cheese, huh Dave?

46

5/13/11 Napping on the clock

Some day I will get found out

No boss on Facebook

5/14/11 Streaking the neighbors

America sure hates fun

Cookouts need streakers

5/15/11 Rain for the next week

Just in time for my grass seed

Boring grownup thrills

47

5/16/11 Hot tube goldfish pond

I got this thing on Craigslist

Eleven feet long

5/17/11 Second rainy day

Only like a week more left

Promise I wont freak

5/18/11 A jar of marbles

Spread out all over the house

Toddler booby trap

48

5/19/11 Thought it was Friday

Will have to wait one more day

To not get Raptured

5/20/11 Lovely day outside

Mosquitoes the size of birds

Easier to swat

5/21/11 Smell of wet forest

Sun breaks through the pine tree tops

Littleton morning

49

5/22/11 Productive Sunday

Three and a half hour nap

Ignore the first line

5/23/11 One nice day a month

I guess Saturday was it

See you in June, folks!

5/24/11 Cheerio Dinner

Stale and unsatisfying

I make bad choices

50

5/25/11 Adults on the train

Groping and frenching like mad

Leave it to the teens!

5/26/11 Hummingbird feeder

Some big bug on it today

Is not for you, jerk

5/27/11 A free pile of bricks!

Tempting, to be like Danzig

But not quite enough (You should Google Danzig pile of bricks)

51

5/28/11 Cant stand The Wiggles

Take it down a notch, you creeps

Terrifying men

5/29/11 The Phantom Menace

So many years have passed but

The anger stays fresh

5/30/11 Green whale of summer:

Watermelon! My cat:

Gray whale of all time

52

5/31/11 The backs of the knees

The filet mignon for the

damn common skeeter

6/1/11 Six months into this

Losing followers like mad

Project is success?

6/2/11 Fill the bird feeder

Squirrel comes and shakes out the food

Free market rodent

53

6/3/11 Red wiggler jailbreak

Kitchen floor covered with worms

Wife will not be psyched

6/4/11 Seven layer dip

Eating all of the layers

Results in bloating

6/5/11 Hey I found a tick

Say it once, its a just a fluke

I keep saying it

54

6/6/11 Send weiner pictures

As though you will not get caught

EVERYONE GETS CAUGHT

6/7/11 Lovely greenery

Thick and lush, it lines the road

Such poison ivy!

6/8/11 Small, black, and wingless

Carpenter ants invade the

hummingbird feeder

55

6/9/11 A tick, or spider?

Oh nature, you are so great

But ticks wicked suck

6/10/11 Mowy Mowerson

He mows his lawn as much as

George Jones gets haircuts

6/11/11 Rain, rain, and more rain

Making all the plants grow large

Mosquitoes as well

56

6/12/11 Made my own yogurt

My hippie transformation

May now be complete

6/13/11 Six million dollars

Not all that much nowadays

Steve Austin, cheap chump

6/14/11 Stop, Kardashians

No really, Kardashians

Kardashians, stop

57

6/15/11 Slept for two whole days

Whats the diagnosis, sir?

Chronic lazy ass

6/16/11 Shopping for Dads Day?

Try buying it its real name

Abbreviators

6/17/11 Oops, I over-tipped

Pizza guy, please remember

(Was my wifes money)

58

6/18/11 Pinata whackage

Break that sucker open, kids

Forgot to fill it

6/19/11 Lawnmower is broken

Impulsively got new one

Happy Fathers Day

6/20/11 Bought some cotton balls

Cleaned the cats ears with a few

All downhill from here

59

6/21/11 Robots on TV

Three-year-olds description of

R2-D2s film

6/22/11 Dudes on Sasquatch show

Assume existence of squatch

Are squatches themselves

6/23/11 Package in the mail

Wife was sure it was more worms

Left it on the steps

60

6/24/11 Sleeping on the train

Coffee, what is wrong with you?

Murky placebo

6/25/11 Mushrooms everywhere

Who knew that constant raining

led to fungal growth?

6/26/11 Dear America,

Please consume, consume, consume

With love, your sponsors

61

6/27/11 The sun, it came out

The humidity, it rises

Recipe for stink

6/28/11 Feeling somewhat gross

A full-body dessicant?

Dont mind if I do

6/29/11 Ran out of bug spray

The dinner bell is ringing

At the Skeeter home

62

6/30/11 Pita, tortilla

These things are not the same, dudes

No substitutions

7/1/11 Its a Balrog, dudes

Demon of the ancient world

Gandalfs in the house

7/2/11 A lone rooster crows

Its actually 1pm

And he wont shut up

63

7/3/11 Vegan cassoulet

Aint no sausage in this thing

Not that I can tell

7/4/11 Dog feeling better

Hes done with soft-serve nightmares

Rambunctious, cheery

7/5/11 Ernie Boch, Jr.

Naked at the liquor store!

Much better slogan

64

7/6/11 Calamine lotion

I may buy some stock in you

Summers just begun

7/7/11 The Jo-Ann Fabrics

Good name for a band, maybe

Scrapbook rockers ho!

7/8/11 Vacation over

Accomplished almost nothing

Time to call in sick

65

7/9/11 Another new job

Another set of things to

never remember

7/10/11 Visit to sheep farm

There were some chickens, also

And poop aplenty

7/11/11 Hazy, hot, humid

No one would have suspected

That all weather sucks

66

7/12/11 It would be awesome

If I could actually see

The notes on my posts

7/12/11 Many grody foods

Are you serious, Wendy?

Withered and brown spuds

7/14/11 I have yet to meet

A dog that I cant annoy

with The Puppethand

67

7/15/11 Boston comedy

Train all the way home and then

Drive back in for yuks

7/16/11 Live action Thomas

Expect the unexpected

Also, expect trains

7/17/11 Stupid-ass hiccups

Not to be confused with the

Stupid ass hiccups

68

7/18/11 Chatty train rider

Doesnt notice the smell of

Hard boiled egg man

7/19/11 Dear resident hawk,

Did you eat those baby birds?

Where did they all go?

7/21/11 News channels look out!

I was not the sweatiest

one at work today

69

7/22/11 Toddler farts of rage

Suddenly, it turns around

Toddler farts of joy

7/23/11 Fans on high all day

Toddler drinks, then spits water

Last day of heat wave?

7/24/11 Daddy longlegses

In the yard, on my leg

Legses on legses

70

7/25/11 Dear America

Your cultural bankruptcy

is Jerseylicious

7/26/11 Humidity, smells

Both linger, and both sure suck

Feeling real negi

7/27/11 Our home fills with smoke

Keep trying to rough it, jerks

Campfire n00b dudes

71

7/28/11 My son loves balloons

My dog actively hates them

Good times in the home

7/29/11 Gotta love showbiz

Be there at 8 to prepare

No one else til 9

7/30/11 Hassled by The Man

Dashboard lights come on at start

The headlights do not.

72

7/31/11 Change is in the air

Did I say change? I think I

Meant goddamn pollen

8/1/11 Told a Dutch lady

Penis Breath was a flavor

of mouthwash. Tasty!

8/2/11 Old kale to bunnies

New kale into the crisper

Circle of life, greens

73

8/3/11 My lips: novacained

Drink a drink in public place

Dribble on my crotch

8/4/11 Slept most of the day

Dreams of me as movie star

Woke, still a loser

8/5/11 I may be a snob

But I cannot resist a

Good yo mama joke

74

8/6/11 Hey When Fish Attack

The marlin that got that dude?

Dude had it coming

8/7/11 One hundred percent

Humidity making me

Danky and stanky

8/8/11 Mocked Vista online

Then had Italian Windows

Problem attack me

75

8/9/11 Film: Dirty Dancing

Hollywood plans to remake

Die die die pigs, die

8/10/11 A Fright Night remake?

Really, this is a joke, right?

Fess up, Hollywood

8/11/11 Granola is made

Granola is not so great

Stove is on notice

76

8/12/11 Ate some raw garlic

Tangy, tasty, and stingy

Not really dinner

8/13/11 Hippie road pizza

Made by actual hippies

Grilling by the road

8/14/11 Shut up, GPS

You are not without merit

But your voice annoys

77

8/15/11 Stinky butt kitties

So cute and so friendly, but

Get away from me

8/16/11 The mice in our house

Ate my whole bag of pine nuts

Those were expensive

8/17/11 A letter to pears

A bigger ripeness window

Quells my pear anger

78

8/18/11 Mosquitoes make me

Itchy itchy Ichabod

(Thats not my real name)

8/19/11 Beetles in bread crumbs

There are no great tastes in here

Just bugs and toppings

8/20/11 A disco cookout

A three year old cuts a rug

Travolta be damned.

79

8/21/11 I am exhausted

Spent the day with my parents

The Mass Pike is shit

8/22/11 Mutant corn kernels

Swollen and asymmetric

Still tasted ok

8/23/11 Pickled zucchini

I undertake one more

Jarred vegetable feat

80

8/24/11 My pets, being jerks

The fattest and laziest

Going straight-up house

8/25/11 If we lose power

How will I say hurricane!

On the internet?

8/26/11 Fisher cat noises

Was that one outside just now?

Earthquakes, and now this

81

8/27/11 A canceled cookout

A day spent grading papers

A mind of pudding

8/28/11 A storm, abated

Young boy, in a tiger suit

Ventures out with dog

8/29/11 Hurricane or not

The commuter rail always

Finds ways to be late

82

8/30/11 Snack, lunch, lunch, and snack

Im on the hobbit diet

Stupid Lembas bread

8/31/11 Faculty are back

Faculty not tech-savvy

I will save them all

9/1/11 Fridays can be dead

That makes Thursdays exciting

But not this week, pal

83

9/2/11 Crab rangoon puzzle

Real crab inside, or just cheese?

And, do crabs have souls?

9/3/11 Saturday is here

Saturday is escaping

What day is today?

9/4/11 Tepid sea water

Not refreshing, kind of gross

Should I be in this?

84

9/5/11 My sweaty toilet

Everything about me sweats

Even porcelain

9/6/11 Dear my finances

Y u no make me all rich?

Poverty sucketh

9/7/11 Applied to art show

Excited to see your work!

Feeling will not last

85

9/8/11 Election Looming

I mean, its a year away

Just like Christmas creep

9/9/11 Black metal futon

Scotch-garded against corpse paint

Free if you pick up

9/10/11 Town fair cover band

Many songs played, all mangled

Still great, in their way

86

9/11/11 Spider attacks wasp

Wasp flees with spider on back

I paint the front door

9/12/11 On a water binge

Almost 200 ounces

Pee me a river

9/13/11 Someone liked my post!

Oh, some kind of porn bot

Im still counting it

87

9/14/11 Sporadic hair tufts

The dog walker is obsessed

Tugged fluff lines the street

9/15/11 Remote connection

Tech guy saw my resume

Incriminating

9/16/11 Caterpillar scene

Woolly bears line the back yard

Red, black, and prickly

88

9/17/11 Minivan clown car

Doors open, children spill out

and into my house

9/18/11 Ostrich populace

Lets pretend its all o.k.

As they bleed us dry

9/19/11 Windows are now closed

Allergens are trapped inside

Nostrils are now closed

89

9/20/11 Coworkers all sick

I alone remain healthy

This had better last

9/21/11 Cookout is long gone

The burgery things remain

Leftovers, day 6

9/22/11 Deranged hobo guy

Collects apples and rolls them

at his angry friend

90

9/23/11 Paid all of my bills

Also spent all my money

Then, more bills appear

9/24/11 Animal skirmish

An unprovoked kitty swipe

Quickly gets ugly

9/25/11 Little snakes afoot

Are they babies, or just dwarfs?

Biting like big dudes

91

9/26/11 The blimplike feline

He is heavier than air

Leap unsuccessful

9/27/11 Wacky conductor

Zany announcements, loudly

Commuters, amused

9/28/11 Everyones a mooch

Enter the room with some food

Pets swarm like locusts

92

9/29/11 Slow-ass Impala

Beanie babies fill windshield

Gonna make me late

9/30/11 RIP dead road chipmunk

He died doing what he loved

A corn-strewn crime scene

10/1/11 October arrives

A crowd gathers in Salem

Giles says More weight.

93

10/2/11 Rainy day bike ride

Moist, smelly toddler in back

Bike path is empty

10/3/11 Abdominal swell

It seems too many lentils

Gives a dude the bloat

10/4/11 My tranquil moment

Rent by a squeaking dog toy

Canine spaz attack

94

10/5/11 Where is my food, sir?

A watched pot never boils

Awaiting pizza

10/6/11 Weather neuroses

From freezing to hot again

Long weekend looks nice

10/7/11 Your ears are burning

Someones talking about you

My eyes are burning

95

10/8/11 I have lung complaints

Campground ding-dong campfires

Blanket house with smoke

10/9/11 Warm day bike ride friends

Critters line the path - big snakes!

Nobody got squished

10/10/11 Itchy eye evening

Jalapeos have been chopped

Crap damn son of bitch

96

10/11/11 Sudden itchiness

Could it be a flea attack?

Reality bites

10/12/11 Computer slows down

Hard drive crash is imminent?

Back up or crack up

10/13/11 Dark in the morning

Swedes are Bjorning. Dark at

night, Swedes are alright.

97

10/14/11 Frozen burritos

Tasty, yet maybe poisoned

Death by Trader Joe

10/15/11 Pile of drainpipes

Pizza boxes strewn on top

Road crew pizza time

10/16/11 Indian food lunch

Middle of a long bike ride

Soporific eats

98

10/17/11 Strange shape in the yard

Possum waddles, seems to float?

5am visions

10/18/11 Train meditation

Perhaps a little too deep

Accidental nap

10/19/11 The cold comes again

The cat is now friendlier

Until warmth returns

99

10/20/11 We have smelly heat

Warmth brings a wafting odor

Should have kept our cool

10/21/11 Wore different sneakers

Saw reflection in window

Look just like clown shoes

10/22/11 Pumpkin festival

A Mexican restaurant!

Spooky burritos

100

10/23/11 85 pound dog

Somehow got through the cat flap

Magic in our home

10/24/11 Printer prints all pink!

Several inks are not loaded

Theres your problem, dinks

10/25/11 Office gathering

Unintentional poop joke

This is how I roll

101

10/26/11 Home printer broken

I dont want to fix it now

I am off the clock

10/27/11 Is it snowing yet?

Angry dog barks at skylight

Signifies nothing

10/28/11 At last a day off

Did I sleep? Did I relax?

Worked the whole damn time

102

10/29/11 Was that thundersnow?

A noise, a flash, the dog barks

Then a white silence

10/30/11 Internet outage

Sitting peacefully at home

Strangely unannoyed

10/31/11 Open enrollment!

Models on the brochure are

Far too psyched for this

103

11/1/11 Tiny candy bags

Waiting up there on the fridge

Siren song of sweets

11/2/11 Things to eat for lunch

Sweet potato, and some soup

All of it orange

11/3/11 Snow is on the ground

Leaves still on some of the trees

Singularity

104

11/4/11 No trick-or-treaters

Even with some small restraint

A chocolate headache

11/5/11 Ladder and a saw

Gravity in full effect

Ladder steps aside

11/6/11 Attempting to code

Mind shut down hours ago

Results not so good

105

11/7/11 Ate a roasted beet

I did not die of disgust

Things are looking up

11/8/11 Electric chicken

Lies there silent, motionless

Needs new batteries

11/9/11 Neighbors bonfire

Loud chatter, and some yeehaws

Evacuation

106

11/10/11 Friday holiday

Still have to get up at five

No commuter rail

11/11/11 Ones all in a row

Driving to the big city

To show The Ape Dude

11/12/11 Potatoes and kale

Rolled into enchiladas

Veganomicon

107

11/13/11 Productive Sunday

But not productive enough

Please extend the day

11/14/11 Bedbug discussion

Open sores are no problem

compared to The Bugs

11/15/11 Music in the cloud

Cloud isnt quite big enough

Atmosphere, perhaps

108

11/16/11 Was far too hungry

Soup was far too hot (but good)

Need a mouth medic

11/17/11 Itching the dogs neck

Pull out a piece of debris

Is a giant tick

11/18/11 Hey! Free wine from work!

First glass: not so great. But hey -

Glass 2 - ah who cares?

109

11/19/11 Where chemicals fail

White vinegar gets results

Go vinegar, go!

11/20/11 Two day week ahead

Five days worth of dumb nonsense

In a fun-size week

11/21/11 Disabled train fun

The snow has not yet started

But the delays have

110

11/22/11 Vegetable medley

Acorn squash, mashed potatoes

Brussels freakin sprouts

11/23/11 Carrot ginger soup

You could have used more ginger

Carrot levels good

11/24/11 Thanksgiving dinner

Radio: Christmas music

Eat shit, you DJs.

111

11/25/11 Fall evening weirdness

Warm spot, cold spot, warm spot, cold

Temperature pockets

11/26/11 Installing new lamps

No swearing or throwing things

Am doing it wrong?

11/27/11 Itchy, scratchy throat

Unspeakable sinus things

The cooties have us

112

11/28/11 Headache lingering

Neti potting like a champ

Relief, a pipe dream

11/29/11 Best misheard lyric:

Scuse me, while I kiss this guy!

Three year olds love it

11/30/11 Ate a squash for lunch

Yes, I said a whole damn squash

Was hungry later

113

12/1/11 Wrong turn in Lowell

People drive like ding-dongs here

Oh, Massachusetts

12/2/11 Vacuuming the dog

His hair is like shag carpet

Housework, AMIRITE?

12/3/11 Chinese food buffet

Dessert sweets are not so sweet

Buffet trickery

114

12/4/11 While walking the dog

A flock of turkeys appears

Crossing one by one

12/5/11 Old people asking

Did you have a bowel movement?

Question old as time

12/6/11 Is it December?

50 degrees and quite nice

Unseasonable

115

12/7/11 Morning breath feeling

Its 3 in the afternoon

Dump coffee on it

12/8/11 Alien spaceships?

Manufactured objects? Yes!

Tell the internet

12/9/11 Holiday Party

Toddlers run in wide circles

Crashes imminent

116

12/10/11 Some geese overhead

Honking, swooping noisily

Please, no crapping, please

12/11/11 A long-ass weekend

Normally, my ass is short

The cold elongates

12/12/11 Formatting a drive

An hour passed - still not done

Zeros, ones, and time

117

12/13/11 Dog constantly spooked

Are there coyotes afoot?

Please sir, kindly chill

12/14/11 Rustling in the dark

I want to take out the trash

Coyotes lurking

12/15/11 How does it get there?

Mouse crap in the microwave

Baffling. Also, gross.

118

12/16/11 Finally time to rest

Goddamn dog will not shut up

Flipping out at ghosts

12/17/11 Can I see ID?

License presented, oh my!

Am older than clerk.

12/18/11 A blueberry pie

I alone shall eat this thing

Stand back - DIGESTION!

119

12/19/11 Christmas is looming

Post office lines grow longer

Mail becomes ordeal

12/20/11 Getting sick again

Santa bringing me the crud

Rhinoviruses!

12/21/11 Sinuses again?

Brain eating amoeba time!

Neti pot monster

120

12/22/11 Christmas at preschool

Keep the kids up late! Cupcakes!

Daddy needs to sleep.

12/23/11 Preschool donutfest

Children and teachers, sugared

Leftovers for dad

12/24/11 The Canada Geese

Swarm the nearby farmers field

Terrify the dog

121

12/25/11 Damn Christmas headache

Ate my weight in agey cheese

Santa, bring me sleep!

12/26/11 Dog having visions

Watches the skies, will not walk

Bathroom time is rough

12/27/11 Thats some stinky paint

Martha Stewart - she made it!

Killing my brain cells

122

12/28/11 Volatile compounds

They are organic, also!

Somehow not healthy

12/29/11 The children swarm me

Sneezing and coughing, they strike

Preschool disease farm

12/30/11 Oh hey, sinuses

You dominated the year

I hope youre real proud

123

12/31/11 Oh great, The Wiggles

Some children really love them!

Some eat boogers, too

BONUS HAIKU Using speakerphone?

You are on a quiet train

Next level dickhead

6/3/11

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