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(CHORAL SINGING)

Bleeding garden is in a state.

-Oh, a broken cup here.-Eh?

It's broke.

-You should've wrapped it up in paper.-I did.I'll get some concrete down.

Do you want a Jaffa Cake?

Once it's done, it's done, innit?Here. It's your sister.

Oh, no.

Hello, Mandy. I couldn't find it.

-You settling in, are you?-Yeah.

You've had a lovely day for it, Mandy.

Oh, Mandy.Hello, Dick.

Oh, isn't it big?

Where is it, Mandy?

-It's upstairs.-Darling.

(SO LONELYBY THE POLICE

PLAYING QUIETLY ON RADIO)(TOILET FLUSHING)

That's better.

I see you've got a little shower, Mandy.

-Yeah.-This your room?

No, the other one, with the wardrobe in.

GLORIA: Oh, that's beautiful.-Wallpaper's pretty, Mandy.

-No, it don't match the curtaining.

-You going to redo that?-Yeah.

I'll give you a hand.

I'll move in for the week.

I like this room.MANDY: It's the spare room.

GLORIA: Eh, Mand, this my room, is it?

GLORIA: When are they coming

to do your cooker, Mandy?MANDY: Monday.

Hey, look, Mand, I'll be able

to wave to you from the office.It's only five minutes.

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We should have got something cold in.

If I had've thought, I could've

brought you something hot out.Here, come on, Dick, drink up.

You shouldn't have bought

all this, Glor. Wasting your money.What else have I got to spend it on?Got to have a housewarming, ain't you?

-Do you want tonic, Mandy?

-No.Here, I think I'll just see to that bed

before I sit down.

-No, Glor.

-It's all up there, is it?Headboard, wheels?

-Only take me five minutes.

-MANDY: No, leave it.Look at him lying there.

He'll be there all night.

MANDY: Glor, where you going?

Just going to the toilet.I was coming out of a shop doorway.

I could feel him behind me.

Probably just walking home.Not going that fast, he wasn't.

I started running.

Nothing is going to happen

to you round here, Glor,not with all these houses.

There wasn't a soul about, Mandy.

I tell you what, I'm not going downthat bus station on me own.

-Oh, don't be so stupid.

-I'm not, Mandy.He's not going to be out here

waiting for you, is he?

You don't know.

You'll have to take her, Dick.GLORIA: It's only a stone's throw.

-Didn't you get no savs?

-No, they only had roe.

It's all rightif there's a man with you.

What about me, then?

I've got to walk back on me own.MANDY: Who's going to jump on you?

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I'll tell you what, Mandy.

I reckon you've come up trumps here.

-Private next door.-I know, I've seen.

It's private all the way up there.

Yeah, but it's councilfrom here down, innit?Here, come on, Dick, drink up.

Do you want another one, Mandy?

-No.-Oh, I'm having one.

Oh, that's better.

Give us a fag, Dick.

That's a beautiful house you've got.When are you going to have

a little baby? I can't wait, I can't.

I tell you what, I'm going to siton the long seat.

You don't know who's getting on this

time of the night, squashing you in.

You'll be all right.I don't like it. It's all right for you.

Here, have that.

-What do you want?-What?

For your housewarming.

Dunno.

We'll have to wait and see, then,won't we?

All right, then?

Are you cold?Do you want to sit on the bus?

Well, you can get on if you want.

That's all right.I'll wait here with you, Dick.

Hey, come on, link me arm

and call me Charlie.

Seems funny, don't it,sleeping in a strange room?

It's nice, though.

-I mean, a home of your own.

-Yeah.We can start a family now, can't we?

What if there's ghosts?

It might be haunted.(DICK BLOWING AIR)

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Don't.

(MANDY LAUGHING)

(ANOTHER NAIL FOR MYHEAR BY SQUEEZE PLAYING ON RADIO)WOMAN ON PA:

Would Dr Bhanji please go to Casualty?

Dr Bhanji, please.-Do you want it with milk or cream?-WOMAN: Milk, please.

That's 2 3.

Here you are.You should have heard her

last night, Mandy.

I was only washing me hair

when she started.''Do it upstairs,'' she said.

Now, how can you

wash your hair upstairs?You can't get your head

under them bath taps.

It's easy in the kitchen.

You've got a spout on both taps,you can get your head right under.

-How many does he have?

-Two.Won't be long, Dick.

Then she started on

about me hair lacquer.

It's all right, I'll do it.Didn't like the smell

of me hair lacquer.

Well, I don't like it, it's horrible.Well, you got to have it, ain't you?

Otherwise your hair's wispy.

I don't know why you wear hair lacquerall the time.

It's ever so old-fashioned.

You've got to look smart

for work, Mandy.You can't have it just any old how.

It's all right, Glor,

I can cook me own tea.

-All right. I'm only helping.-Well, you ain't.

The smell of that's making me hungry.

Well, why don't you go homefor your tea?

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All right.

Have you got everything?

Knives and forks?Yeah, they're in there.

-Salt and pepper, where's that?

-It's in there and all, Glor.Don't let that get cold, Mandy.Take it in.

I'll just put a bit of toast in.

MANDY: I don't want no more, Glor.GLORIA: It ain't for you, it's for me.

MANDY: I thought you was going home

for your tea.

Can you spare an egg, Mand?MANDY: Of course I can spare an egg.

-I'll bring you some up tomorrow.

-I don't want any.WOMAN ON TV: ...to board up their shops

in readiness

for the Front's march on Sunday.

The council has advisedlocal residents to...

# Don't know when

# But I know we'll meet again# Some sunny day #

This carpet could do with a sweep.

I want to get a Hoover.

They are dear, aren't they?I'll get her a Hoover.

(CHEWING LOUDLY)

Glor!I've got to chew it, ain't I?

Look at him laying there,

set for the night.Don't you get too comfy, you're coming

down that bus station with me.

No, I'm on earlies this week.

-Don't be stupid, Dick.-I've got to get up at five.

-Take no notice. He's on lates.

-He's trying to get out of it.

MANDY: He's not going down thatbus station with you again, Glor.

GLORIA: Well, it's early yet, isn't it?

MANDY: He's not.GLORIA: All right.

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(CHURCH BELLS RINGING)

-There's flowers here, Dick.

-Oh, yeah?Look at all this rubbish.

You want to get this cleared out.

Who does?You do.If you want it done, you can do it.

-Hey, look, Dick.

-What?MANDY: That's Mr Butcher.

DICK: Who?

MANDY: You remember, from school.

DICK: Oh, yeah.-That's why I need some more.

-They're usually in the car.

Oh, bloody hell, Dick,they live next door.

Hello, Mr Butcher.

-Hello.

-That's Mr Butcher, innit?Yes, it is.

It's our old teacher.

Oh.MANDY: Told you, Dick, didn't I?

DICK: Yeah.

Ralph, come here a minute.

-What's the matter?-Some of your ex-pupils here.

Hello, Mr Butcher.

(BUTCHER GRUNTING QUIETLY)Don't remember us, does he, Dick?

DICK: At school when you first come.

Oh, yeah, that's right, yeah, becausewe didn't have you till the fourth form.

-Settling in, are you?

-Yeah.

Good.Well, come on, then. Lunchtime.

-Cheerio.

-Bye.

-Oh, Dick, fancy that, eh!-Come on, it's cold.

Hey, Dick.

What are you, nosing?No, I'm not nosing,

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I'm just having a look at 'em.

Plenty to do here.

MANDY: It's funny, innit?DICK: Yeah.

MANDY: I wouldn't have thought

he'd have been married.DICK: I hated him.MANDY: He used to wobble about.

DICK: He was always going on

about my teeth.MANDY: It was him that used to be drunk.

DICK: No.

MANDY: It was, Dick.

DICK: Just them funny noiseshe used to make.

MANDY: Look at him in his slippers.

He remembered me.-Of course he didn't.

-He did.

It's funny, innit,

him going to bed next door to us?Funny him getting his oats, old Butcher.

Aw.

Can't wait to tell Sharon.She's coming here tomorrow after work,

have a look at the house.

You never told me she was coming round.

Well, I'm telling you now, ain't I?She ain't seen it yet.

I'm going out.

That's all right.You don't have to stop in.

I ain't sitting here all night

staring at her ugly mug.Oh, no.

-Who let you out, then?

-MANDY: Well, what do you think of it?

-It could do with a good clean.-Well, we want to get an Hoover.

We've been waiting for you

to come round.

-Did you find it all right?-Yeah, nearly missed the alley.

What, the one before the station?

No, after the station.DICK: Well, there's only one.

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-No, there ain't, Dick, there's two.

-Where?

-Well, there's one before the station.-Yeah, that's the one.

-Yeah. There's another one.

-There ain't.There is, Dick.If you go over that big bridge

near Wincheap.

Yeah?You walk up Gordon Road,

there's another alley.

It brings you right up

down the back here.Yeah, top of Oxford Road.

MANDY: Yeah, that's right.

Well, she never come that way.Which way did you come?

I came over the bridge,

through the station and down the alley.

Oh, you don't want to do that.You've come down the right alley,

but you don't have to go over

that bridge to get to it.Oh. Well, that's the way I came, anyway.

Do you want to take your coat off?

SHARON: You'll have to

get new wallpaper.MANDY: Oh, no, Sha.

It's all right, this.

-The carpet's too small.-Yeah, well, we want to get a fitted.

What you been doing

with yourself, then?What's it to you?

-You warm enough, Sharon?

-Yeah, I'm all right.

-Well, do you want a fag?-Yeah.

There you are.

Oh, I'll have one of these,

don't like them.-Do you want a cup of tea?

-I'll have coffee.

DICK: Ain't you going topass them round, then?

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You're always on the cadge.

Tight arse.

-You courting?-Don't be stupid.

Are you?

Mind your own business.Do you want to come and have a lookat me kitchen?

Yeah, okay.

-It all needs doing up, don't it?-Yeah.

It's filthy.

This is our bedroom.

It's nice, isn't it?Oh, you brought the old curtains

from Reed Avenue with you.

Yeah. Well, I want to getthe same wallpaper to match again.

I want to do in here first.

Yeah, you got a lot on.

Yeah, well, there's two of us.Oh, well, he'll never lift a finger,

will he?

Glor said she'd lend us a hand.-Oh, did she?

-Yeah.

-She been round?

-Yeah, she's been round twice.This is the spare room.

It's cold, isn't it?

It's nice and big, though.Be all right for when we have a baby.

Yeah, it's big.

Oh, Sha, guess who we've gotliving next door?

-Who?

-Go on, have a guess.

I don't know.-Butcher.

-What butcher?

Mr Butcher.

-School?-Yeah.

-Oh, no. Next door?

-Yeah, I saw him yesterday.I hope I never see him.

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-Who'd marry him?

-Well, she's ever so plain.

I bought half a bottle of vodkafor us tonight.

What, you made of money?

Oh, hark at him. He's the one that goesdown the pub nearly every night.I bleeding don't.

Well, you go there

enough times in a week.Did you get a few beers in for me, then?

-No.

-Nice, that is.

I thought you'd be going down the pub.Yeah, well, I might.

-SHARON: He was queer, wasn't he?

-Who, Butcher?He was always drunk.

There you are, I told you.

That's what I said.

He weren't drunk.-SHARON: He was.

-He weren't.

He just used to make them funny noiseslike he was going to puke.

He used to make me feel sick.

I got some chops for our tea.

Do you want peas or beans with it?Don't mind.

He remembered me, all right.

-He didn't.-He did.

You shouldn't have told him.

That's her,can't keep her bleeding mouth shut.

MANDY: He's been lying there

all afternoon.

Yeah, I was up at five.You might have laid

that stair carpet down.

You should get started.

-What on?-SHARON: This house.

I'll bet Reed Avenue

ain't the same without us, is it?No.

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Good riddance to bad rubbish.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Who's that?I don't know who it is, do I?

GLORIA: Hello, Mandy.

MANDY: Oh, hello, Glor.GLORIA: Quick, me arms are dropping off.MANDY: What's that?

GLORIA: Shut your eyes, Dick.

I've got a little surprise for you.Guess what?

It's an Hoover, innit?

Mum said it'd be a load of rubbish.

She said they wouldn't begetting rid of it if it was any good,

but I know it's all right. I've just

done all round my desk at work with it.I'll have to get some bags

for it, won't I?

-I'll fetch you some up.

-No, you don't have to do that.-Nice paper, that, isn't it, Mand?

-Yeah, it's a shame to waste it.

There you are. That's all right.There you are.

-Oh, isn't it lovely, Dick?

-Yeah.

-Hey, do a turn with it.-It's just what we needed.

I was just saying to Sha, wasn't I?

Yeah, it could do with a good clean.It only wants a wipe over.

Any tea in the pot?

MANDY: We were just going tohave our tea.

-Oh, what you having?

-Chops.

Come on, ain't yougoing to have a go, Mand?

Plug it in.

-GLORIA: Are you stopping for tea, Sha?

-Yeah.-You've come up from work, have you?

-Yeah.

I could half go a bit of toast meself.You can have a bit of bacon with it

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and all, if you like.

No, a bit of toast will do me.

I don't want to eat youout of house and home.

DICK: That's all right, Glor.

MANDY: Right, does thislet the handle down?Yeah.

We haven't got one of those at home.

We've got the other sort.MANDY: Press this?

GLORIA: Go on, Mand.

DICK: Yeah, go on.

(HOOVER WHIRRING)MANDY: Oh!

-MANDY: Oh, it's lovely, isn't it, Dick?

-Yeah.-Ain't it, Sha?

-Yeah, it's all right.

Oh, I'll go right through

with this tomorrow.-It's good, ain't it?

-Yeah.

Oh, ta, Glor.-You'll be able to use that, Dick.

-What?

I said you'll be able to use it.

That was a lovely bit of bacon, Mand.I enjoyed that.

-Do you want one, Sha?

-Ta.Dick?

Yeah, I'll have one of them.

I'm going up Carol'stomorrow night, babysitting.

Take them up a bar of chocolate each,

keep them quiet.

-You courting, Sha?-No.

She's going out with a bloke

from the underwear department.

Oh, trust you.-Look, you've made her all embarrassed.

-I'm not embarrassed.

-MANDY: What's happened to Roger?-Is that his name?

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I've seen him.

Who's that? Roger the Dodger?

Are you still on the sweet counter,are you, Sha?

Yeah. I want to move.

-Where to?-Dresses.Personnel don't like me.

I've been two years on sweets,

and it's not fair.'Cause some of the girls, they've only

been there a couple of months

and gone straight on to dresses.

GLORIA: Oh.Is Roger still in

the furniture department?

-He works there as well, does he?-Yeah.

-Oh! Does he get the discount?

-Everybody gets discount.

That's handy, Mandy,you ever want a wardrobe.

Yeah, what's his second name, then?

-What's it to you?-I might know him.

-You don't know him.

-Don't be so stupid.

-DICK: Yeah, I know him.-Do you?

DICK: Yeah, he works

in the furniture department.Oh, she just said that.

Yeah, ugly bloke.

-He's married.-Oh, shut up, Dick.

-Mmm. There's sugar in this coffee.

-Oh, you've got Dick's.

I ain't drinking that.She's had her mouth in it.

Oh, don't be so silly.

Which side of the cup did she sip?

MANDY: Take no notice.GLORIA: Be wedding bells for you next,

then, Sha?

SHARON: No, I've got more sense.GLORIA: Yeah, you and me both.

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Are you going to crack open

that vodka, then?

No, not yet,we're still drinking our cups of coffee.

-You got some in, have you, Mand?

-No.I've only got a bit,just for me and Sha.

Thought you were going out, anyway.

Never said I wasn't.-He is, aren't you?

-Yeah.

GLORIA: You go and have a drink

with your mates, Dick,leave us to have a chinwag,

three girls together.

I thought you was going home, Glor.I haven't seen Sharon for ages,

have I, Sha?

-Met our new neighbours yesterday.

-Yeah, what they like, Mand?He was our old teacher at school.

No. What's his name?

Mr Butcher.-She wouldn't remember him.

-No.

Butcher. What did he teach?

Religious knowledge.No, we had Flicky Fleet.

-Yeah, we had him as well.

-We did, and all.Flicky Fleet never took RK.

He did!

I had him.He used to like me.

We had Motram.

MANDY: Yeah, we had her,

but we had Flicky and all.Butcher took over from Flicky.

-Yeah, that's right.

-Mondays and Fridays.

-DICK: Flicky Fleet took Geography.-He didn't, Dick. He took RK.

Oh, he won't remember.

I was always hopping off, anyway.Yeah, I know you were.

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I wonder if old Hughes

is still headmaster?

-Piggy.-Dirty old bugger, he was.

Yeah, he was and all,

used to get us in his office.SHARON: I had to sit on his knee.He used to throw things on the floor

and make you pick them up.

He did that to me once.-Was minis them, and all.

-I never wore no mini.

MANDY: Oh, you didn't, but we did.

He was all right, old Piggy.All right if you was a boy.

-Oh, Sha, who was that teacher?

-Who?The one that took old John Booker

back to his house.

-He weren't bent.

-Oh, course he was, Dick.SHARON: He gave him his tea.

He was just helping him out

with his drawing.Oh, we didn't half

take the mickey out of him.

You used to go out with John Booker.

Yeah. He was good at painting.-He had ginger hair, didn't he?

-Yeah.

You should have stuck with him.MANDY: He's in insurance now.

GLORIA: Is he, Mand? Where?

I dunno, but it's not in Canterbury.SHARON: Went to London.

-Oh, did he?

-He was a right creep.

I wonder if it's changed much?DICK: Yeah, kids these days.

They all smoke nowadays,

don't they, Dick?

-We used to smoke.-GLORIA: We wasn't allowed to smoke.

Nor was we. Never stopped us.

I ain't been up that way for ages.I wonder if old Butcher

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is still up there?

Oh, yeah, I wonder if he is?

I bet half of them are dead.-Who?

-Teachers.

Pity he's not dead.That's not a very nice thingto say, Sharon.

(SNICKERING)

What are you laughing at?You.

Intercept!

Well done!

Jesus loved his enemies, did he not?-Come on.

-STUDENTS: Yes.

Who ruled the countrythat Jesus lived in?

-STUDENTS: The Romans.

-The Romans.

But he forgave them.What did he say on the cross?

Not you. Foster.

FOSTER: Father forgive thembecause they know not what they do.

Say that again.

Father forgive them because

they know not what they do.-BUTCHER: Is that right, Wendy?

-Yes.

BUTCHER: Say it.WENDY: Father forgive them 'cause

they know not what they do.

BUTCHER: 'Cause?'Cause they know not what they do?

Caroline, say it.

CAROLINE: Forgive them, Father, for they

do not know what they do.For they know not what they do.

Hello.

Everything taking shape?

-Oh, yeah.-Good.

Cheerio, then.

Is that you?Hello.

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The tea's still warm, I think.

What tea?

What?What tea is still warm?

The tea.

There isn't any tea.The tea I made.Oh, you've made some tea, have you?

Well, it must have gone for a walk

in the garden.I shouldn't think it has.

-What's that? Scotch mist?

-No.

It's a teapot without any tea in it.(GRUNTING QUIETLY)

GLORIA: There are the elephants.

He's lost a tusk.Here, half past two when they came home,

Carol and Eric.

I don't know why you put up with it.

Well, you can't leavethree little children

their age on their own, can you?

-Where'd they been?-Don't know, some do at a posh hotel.

I've missed this, not having me clock.

You want to keep that, Mand.

What's the time, Glor?I reckon 20 to eight.

GLORIA: Then Mum started,

said she'd been worrying herself sick.MANDY: What's she doing up?

She says, ''You're asking for trouble

walking the streets that time of night.''You're old enough to be out

on your own, ain't you?

Well, I would normally

get a lift, wouldn't I?But he was so drunk, Mandy.

Two blokes brought him home.

Oh, what you brought this

with you for?I think it's horrible.

I know, but Dick said

his Mum used to love it.Aw.

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Eh, Mand, one of these blokes

says to me...

Ever so handsome he was, smart bloke.He said, ''If I'd have knowed

you was here, darling,''

he says, ''I wouldn't havegone to Dover.''-There's a nail here.

-I dunno who he was.

I don't know why youhad to give them their tea.

Well, I wouldn't have minded if they ate

the cheese on toast I made them,

but they wouldn't look at that.I had to eat that.

Then Mark said he wanted sardines.

Well, they never had no sardines,so I opened up a tin of pilchards.

Then he says,

''I don't want them,'' he says,

''I don't like the tomato sauce.I only like the pilchards.''

Then little Sandy starts.

She says she likes the tomato sauce,didn't like the pilchards,

so I had to stand there, separating

the tomato sauce from the pilchards.

Come on, Dobbin.Oh, no, Glor.

That's too much, innit,

with the deers and all?Put it on the sideboard.

It's like a farmyard in here.

You should hear thatlittle Rod's language, Mandy.

He kept saying that F-word.

Then he kept saying things

about my bust.I didn't know where to look.

I don't know where he gets it from.

But they're lovely kids, really.

Oh, it's me maracas.(HUMMING)

-Where are you going to put them?

-On here.I think she's got a cheek, Glor.

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I mean, I wouldn't ask someone

to come and babysit

and keep them hanging aroundtill gone half past two.

Well, I won't mind when I do it

for you, will I?I'll just go and sleep up inthat little back room,

stop the night.

There's a nice little soap dish, Mand.It's not a soap dish, it's an ashtray.

You put a bit of soap in there,

what you're not going to use,

stand it on the side.Well, Dick's been using it

as an ashtray.

Where is he, anyway?Yeah, that's what I'd like to know.

MAN: Oh, no!

(ALL CHEERING)

(CLEARING THROAT)We're playing you on Wednesday.

-Oh, yeah?

-Mmm.Hockey?

Netball.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Saw Barbara at lunchtime.I tried to phone her at lunchtime.

-She was having her lunch.

-This was after lunch.Mmm.

Well, she was probably taking a class.

Within the lunch hour, but after lunch.I've got to finalise the arrangements

for the match.

Got any marking?

A little, yeah. I'll do it later.Mmm.

What's for afters?

Pineapple rings.

That's all?Cream.

(GRUNTING QUIETLY)

I tell you what, Mandy,you'd save on your gas bill

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if you had these doors shut.

-That wants a new bolt.

-No, I like having the space, Glor.But you've got the same space

whether they're open or shut, ain't you?

And you've got the extra room.Yeah, but I wouldn't be ableto hear the telly, would I,

when I'm doing me cooking?

Well, you can have a little radioout there, can't you?

There you are.

It's ever so small in here now, Glor.

Ah, but that would make a nice littledining room, you know, Mand.

Well, it is a dining room already.

Here, look, it's too small.I think it's cosy.

Let's have a look in here.

MANDY: It's the brown, innit?

GLORIA: You could have itdone in another colour.

MANDY: Oh, no.

-You could have it done red.-No, I like the brown.

It's just that with the doors closed,

it's too much, innit?

It's too dark.-You could have glass put in there.

-Oh, yeah.

That'll cost a bit, wouldn't it?Have it done a panel at a time.

Mind you, Glor, it'll be all right

for when we have a baby, won't it?Yeah, you can shut the doors, you can

keep them in here, out of harm's way,

whilst you're doing your cooking.

That's right. You'll be ableto suit yourselves, won't you?

Well, you've got 'em if you want 'em.

That's it.

That's better.L-shaped, innit?

I don't like that there.

I'll have it on the sideboard.BUTCHER: Get me a biscuit.

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Just a minute.

BUTCHER: I want a Garibaldi.

What are you doing?I'm sorting out the electricity bill.

I'll have a bourbon.

(GRUNTING QUIETLY)(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)(GRUNTING QUIETLY)

I bumped into our friend

from next door this evening.He hasn't got a great deal

to say for himself, has he?

They never have.

Do you remember them?Well, I don't remember him.

Oh, you remember her, do you?

No.I don't remember her.

(GRUNTING)

There you are, you see?

That's the most famous picture there.Oh, yes, I've seen that.

There, you see, the newspapers

of 1 934 would insiston euphemistically referring to him

as a surgeon,

but he was in point of fact

a Harley Street gynaecologist.Of course, we didn't have wombs

in those days, did we?

Thank you.He did in fact take four photographs,

but only those two came out.

Oh, what a shame.I suppose it could be true.

Of course it's true. No doubt about it.

But is there any actual proof

of the monster's existence?Of course there is.

There's abundant proof.

You know what your trouble is,

don't you?You've got no faith.

I know where you get that from, as well.

You get it from your aged,ecclesiastical dinosaur of a father,

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that's where you get it from.

No faith, no belief.

I think that was uncalled for.Pottering around his parish.

Faith, hope, charity,

unidentified flying objects,paranormal phenomena, telepathy,ectoplasm, life after death, God.

(GRUNTING QUIETLY)

Going to tackle that marking?Look, I shall tackle that marking

in my own good time!

Do you mind?

I've lost my place now.I don't know where I am.

(GRUNTING)

Found it?I've started a new chapter now.

Oh, good.

(BUTCHER GRUNTING)

(KEY TURNING)-Is that you, Dick?

-Yeah.

(EXCLAIMING)Bloody hell, what's going on?

-Key don't fit.

-Oh, give it here.

Well, that's the wrong one.That's the key to Reed Avenue.

Get in.

Oh, you got it all out.Yeah, I have.

I thought someone was trying

to break in.Who, a rapist?

Well, it could have been anybody.

It could have been a burglar.

We ain't got nothing to nick.-Where've you been?

-Where do you think I've been?

I suppose you've been

spending all our money,buying other people rounds of drinks.

Look at you, you've had a few

and all, ain't you?You going to stand there

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moaning all night?

No, I'm not. I'm going up to bed.

What's the matter with you?I'll tell you what's the matter with me.

I wouldn't have minded

going out for a drink tonight.But what have I been doing?I've been stuck here

unpacking this lot with Gloria.

You don't think about me, do you?And make sure you turn this light out.

I had a game of pool down there.

I nearly won.

Pity you didn't, then, innit?Think I'm going to stop

taking this soon.

What for?It's early days yet, innit?

I don't want to leave it too late, Dick.

Start thinking about it soon.

We got enough on our plate, haven't we?Oh, Dick, your breath.

Do you know, sometimes I think

it would be really niceif some of these were in English.

''We was half-way across Atlantic Ocean,

''when in the distant we saw a boat.

''At first, we didn't take much notice,until we got a bit closer

''and never saw nobody.

''Then we got a bit worried.''I wonder if the boat has a mutiny.

''So as we got right up to the boat,

we lowered a small boat and went board.''She's not the only one.

''We saw the name of the boat.

It was called Marie Celeste. ''

(GRUNTING)Is the end in sight?

No.

Ah. ''I am one of the crew

of the ship Dei Gratia. ''Well, that's something.

''I am writing my strange account

of the ship Marie Celeste.''When I boarded the ship,

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there was no life at all.

''Nothing was out of place,

but everything was shipshape.''My story is that I think they passed

through the Bermuda Triangle.''

There you are.One of the great mysteries of the worldsolved in six lines.

(GRUNTING)

Here it is in two and a half lines.''The crew of our ship was

sailing across the Atlantic.

''It was about 3 p.m.

on the 5 of December.''I think Tracy must have

gone down with the ship.

You find a use for this?-I beg your pardon?

-Wood.

(GRUNTING QUIETLY)

That's no use to anybody.I'll probably burn it.

Well, make sure you mind my shed

when you do.Oh, no, I'll do it up the garden.

Can't do that. They'll be

down on you like a ton of bricks.

-Who will?-The authorities will.

-Will they?

-Yes.(GRUNTING)

Woo-hoo!

Hello, Dick.Oh, hello. You must be Mr Butcher.

That's right, yes.

My little sister lives here,

your new next-door neighbour.She's told me all about you, Mr Butcher,

about being up the school.

I used to go there, you know.

Of course, that was before your time.-Mandy in, is she, Dick?

-Yeah, she's in there.

Doing your garden, are you, Mr Butcher?Yes, yes.

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That's a nice little garden,

ain't it, Dick?

Yeah, she's in there.I'm gasping for a cup of tea.

Do you want one, Dick?

Yeah.Do you want a cup, Mr Butcher?No, I'm all right, thank you.

-Are you sure?

-Yes, thank you.All right. Well, ta-ra,

nice to have met you.

Woo-hoo, Mand!

You going out later on?Of course we're going out.

It's Saturday, innit?

Where are you going, Dick?-Dunno yet.

-Going for a drink.

Oh, good, I fancy a drink.

Might be meeting some friends, Glor,going out with them.

Oh, are you?

What time you meeting them?I don't know,

I'll just meet them down there.

Yeah, there's a crowd.

Down the Waterloo?I dunno.

Oh, well, I'll sit in and watch telly.

It would be nice to watch the colour.I'll be gone by the time

you get back, mind.

I can't sit here all night.Here you are, Dick. Go on, have one.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Woo-hoo, Mand!

Hello, Mand, you got five minutesto nip down the town with me?

I've seen this frock,

I don't know whether I like it or not.

I put a deposit on it, but I don't knowwhether it suits me or not.

I can't see it from the back.

No, sorry, Glor.I've been down there once today.

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Oh, I don't know what to do.

Well, come in, anyway.

I'll have a cup of tea.I'll nip down there in the week.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Woo-hoo!(BBC NEWS THEME PLAYING ON TV)Hello, Dick. Here I am again.

(INAUDIBLE)

I can't stop! I'll see you later! Ta-ra!-Milk or cream?

-Cream.

(KNOCKING ON WINDOW)

Woo-hoo!Don't look at me like that.

It's not my fault, is it?

Well, she's your bleeding sister,ain't she?

Yeah, but she won't

take the hint, will she?

No, she won't, will she?She's soft in the bleeding head,

isn't she?

Don't get no peace in your own home.You don't have to tell me, Dick. I know.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

GLORIA: Woo-hoo!

Oh, bloody hell.I've had enough of this.

You've got to have a word with her.

I dunno why you don'tsay something to her, Dick.

Well, what can I say?

GLORIA: Hello, Mand, just thoughtI'd pop up for five minutes.

-Hello, Dick.

-Hello.

Any tea in the pot?You can't stop here, Glor,

'cause we're going out.

I only popped in for a cup of tea, Mand.

What time you going?In a minute.

As soon as we've had our tea.

I'll just sit here till you go.-Now look, Glor!

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-What?

-You are going home, ain't you?

-Yes.Right.

GLORIA: I'll just come with you so far,

keep you company.MANDY: You going down the bus station?Yeah.

Ta-ra, then, Glor.

I'll tell you what.I'll buy you both a drink.

No, you won't. I'll buy me own beer.

You keep your money

in your pocket, Dick.Come on, I'll treat you.

I thought you was going home.

I'll just pop in for a quick one.Yeah, I know what

your quick ones are like.

What do you mean?

You start with one,then there's another

and then there's another one.

Before you know it,you've stopped all night.

I only want to come for a drink.

What's the matter with that?

We're going on our own, Glor.But you will be on your own

after I've gone, won't you?

Eh?Come on.

When are you going to have

a little baby, then?Girl in accounts is having one.

I dunno.

Can't wait, I can't, to get knitting.

We've been talking about it.Have you, Dick?

-I fancy getting a dog.

-A dog?

What do you want to get a dog for?Get a little pup.

-Chew all the furniture up.

-Nah.It's going to cost a bit

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to feed, innit?

It costs a bleeding sight more

feeding a baby.Well, you get family allowance

with a baby, don't you?

You have to buy a licence for a dog.We don't want to get the doguntil we have got a baby, do we?

Something to play with.

They got a list up at workabout a trip to Paris.

Are you going to get your round in

before you go?

-You ready for one?-Yeah.

You ready for one, Dick?

-Was it bitter?-Lager.

-Do you want some crisps?

-MANDY: No.

Can I have a pint of lager, please?What's the matter with you?

She ain't going to go

till she's got her round in, is she?We let her in to have one drink,

you tell her to go and buy another one.

Where's the sense in that?

I told you when we come in the pub,we should have let her bought a round

-but you wouldn't have it, would you?

-I don't want her buying my beer.She'll go after she's had this one.

Well, she'd better bleeding go,

or I'm going.It's all right, she'll go.

Do you want tonic, Mand?

Yeah.

-Here.-Ta.

I got you a double.

MANDY: You got a double, and all?

Yeah, not going to get you oneand not have one meself, am I?

You're going home after you've

had that drink, ain't you?Yeah, all right, Mandy.

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I ain't never been to Paris.

It'd be exciting, wouldn't it?

You'd better take it easy,you two, on doubles.

-I can take me drink.

-So can I.MANDY: Mind you, you've had three,ain't you?

Well, same as you.

I've only had the same as you.I know, but I can take it.

Well, so can I.

When have you ever seen me drunk?

-Of course I've seen you drunk.-When?

You was drunk at our wedding.

Well, that was a celebration, wasn't it?Everyone gets drunk

at a celebration, don't they?

-MANDY: Keep your voice down.

-You're getting just like her.Oh, it's bloody charming,

that is, isn't it?

I'm not going home.Now, look here, Glor,

you said you was having one drink here

with me and Dick,

then you was going home.You don't know the half of it,

you don't.

-What's that supposed to mean?-Never you mind.

-What's going on there?

-As if you didn't know.I don't know.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Ain't she been talking to you, then?

What about?Coming up.

No.

She's only been going on

about me coming up.Glor.

I'm not even allowed to visit you now.

Don't be so stupid.She don't mean it, does she?

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She bloody does.

She gets on my bloody nerves.

You got some tissues in there?Perhaps you ought to stay with her.

I'll see you later.

Don't be so stupid.MANDY: Come on, now.I've had enough of it, I have.

I shall end up in Chartham

if I have any more of her.Don't be so silly.

I don't know why you don't

find yourself a flat, Glor.

I'm looking, Mandy. I've had a lookin the paper. I'll find somewhere.

Where's she going to find

a flat round here?MANDY: Oh, shut up, Dick.

If I stop in, it's wrong.

If I go out, it's wrong.

Bloody hell.You're getting yourself in a state,

you are, girl.

I can't help it.MANDY: Come on,

you're in a pub, now, remember.

Look at you.

-You don't have to put up with it.-Shh! Keep your voice down, Glor.

Come on.

Here, have one of these.Come on, get some of that drink

down you.

I only come up a couple of times a week.Anyway, the bus comes,

me and Dick standing on the pavement,

she walks out in front of it.

What the bloody hell is she doing?The bus had to swerve round her,

and she's trying to get on,

she's put her foot up,

she slips downand she ends up in the gutter.

Anyway, we get her on the bus,

get her sat downand she's screaming her head off.

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She only wants me and Dick

to go home with her.

I said, ''I'm not coming home with youat this time of night.

''I've got to come

all the way back again.''You want to tell her. I would.Been busy?

No. It's dead.

Is it?I wish I were still on sweets.

Have you seen Roger?

Yeah, I've seen him. See him every day.

Can't avoid him.What, are you chucking him?

Yeah, I might.

Maureen's late back again.Been talking about

starting a family again.

It makes me sick.

He's not having it.No, he wouldn't.

Likes your money coming in every week.

Oh, well.I'll be seeing you.

-Yeah, see you. Bye.

-Bye.

I think I'll stroll round the cornerfor a quick one.

Oh, well, hang on a minute

and I'll come with you.No need to drag yourself out.

I won't be long.

Oh, it's all right, I fancy a drink.Be all blokes down there.

Don't be so stupid.

What's the matter with you?

She ain't coming round, is she?I dunno.

We'd better get out quick,

in case she does.

Come on, then, if you're coming.Hang on, Dick.

Do you want a boiled egg, Dick?

No, I bleeding don't.-I reckon Dell had seven, you know.

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-He never.

I was counting with you,

and you had your six,and I thought he had seven

and Linda said he had seven.

Yeah, he might have done,but he definitely never had eight.Bloody mad, the pair of you.

-Alan only had one, didn't he?

-I don't blame him.They don't half stink, Dick,

them pickled eggs.

I proved my point, though, didn't I?

Yeah, but he must have had 32in the film, Dick.

Don't be so stupid.

It's trick photography.Hazell thought it was Marlon Brando,

didn't she?

Hazell don't know her arse

from her elbow.Do you think he looks

like Burt Lancaster, old Dell?

No.Don't look nothing like Burt Lancaster.

He's too fat.

He's only fat 'cause of

all the beer he drinks.I drink more beer than him.

I had two more than him.

He turned one down.Mind you, when she said Marlon Brando,

I couldn't remember.

It was Burt Lancaster.Everybody agreed it was Burt Lancaster,

except her.

I'm going to stop taking this

at the end of the month.No, you ain't.

I don't want to leave it too long, Dick.

We want to have a family

when we're young.You ain't coming off that yet.

I wouldn't get pregnant

straight away, would I?You will with me, girl.

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Takes a while, doesn't it?

Yeah.

We'll talk about it next year.I've made me mind up, Dick.

You've done what?

I don't want to wait till then.You've made your mind up?What the bleeding hell

are you talking about?

I've told you, Dick.I'm coming off the pill.

Yeah, and I've told you

you're not till I say so.

Well, it's me that'sgoing to have the baby.

-No, you ain't.

-Yes, I am.Bloody hell, you wanted to have

a baby when we was at Reed Avenue.

I was going to come off the pill then.

-It was different then.-What do you mean it was different?

We've got our own home now.

We can have a baby.Bloody hell, Dick, your dad's been dead

over six months now.

Now, you listen.

We'll have kids when I say so,and you'll stay on the pill,

even if I have to ram it down

your bleeding throat.Oh, yeah, I'd like to see you try.

-Oh, would you?

-Yeah.Look, Dick, I'm going to have a baby,

and the only way you're going to stop me

is by going without it.

Well, that's no problem.I'll get it somewhere else.

Oh, yeah, where are you going to get it?

(DICK BURPING)

Nice and dry, is it?Hello.

Hello.

No, I'm just putting it out, actually.-Have you got a washing machine?

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-Yes, I have, as a matter of fact.

I haven't.

I have to go down the launderette.Oh, dear.

I suppose you've got

a tumble dryer and all?No, I just trust to luck.Look at all this glass.

It's dangerous, isn't it?

Yes, I think it is, a bit.Especially if you're going to have kids

about the place.

Oh, yes, definitely.

You haven't got any children, have you?No, we haven't, actually.

We're going to have a baby.

Oh, congratulations. When's it due?Oh, no. I'm not pregnant yet.

-I'm planning on it, though.

-I see.

Well, you don't want to leave ittoo late, do you?

I mean, you want to start

having a family when you're young.Shame about this greenhouse, isn't it?

Yeah.

I think I'll get my husband

to pull it down.It's no use to us.

Apparently, the greenhouse

is coming down next door.It's been coming down for years.

Well, it's coming down for good now.

They want the space for a play area.Oh, yes? She's expecting, is she?

No, she isn't, actually,

but they are planning a family.

I bet she is. I bet she's pregnant.She isn't.

(GRUNTING)

It's us who ought

to have the greenhouse.Well, why don't you put it to them?

Ask her or ask him,

if you think you can make use of it.Grow some tomatoes,

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whatever you grow.

Offer them a couple of pounds.

I don't want a greenhouse.What are you talking about?

You just said you did.

I know.I'd just rather have had the play area.-Go on.

-No.

Well, I'm bleeding telling you,make me a cup of tea.

Make your own bloody tea

for once, can't you?

What's the matter with you?I'm doing me housework.

You've only got to put a bag in a cup.

You ain't gettingthat bleeding thing out, either.

Well, when else am I going to do it?

It's the only day I get.

Look, I get one day off a week.-If you don't want to hear it, go out.

-Get out of here.

Get off. Don't you do that to me.-You're pushing your luck.

-Yeah, so are you.

I'll make me own bleeding tea.

What do you think of this?No, it's too big.

Doesn't go with the skirt.

How much is this skirt?7.99.

It's cheaper than

the bloody top, innit?-Yeah, it looks cheap.

-It's nice, this skirt, Sha.

I don't know why you don't try it on.

I wouldn't be seen dead in that.-They're coming back, minis.

-I don't care.

I reckon if you've got good legs,

you should show them.What for?

(DREAMING BY BLONDIE PLAYING IN SHOP)

Waste of time.That's better, isn't it? It's tighter.

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It's too small.

Let's have a look at that one.

I thought you didn't like that one.Well, I might as well try it on.

Woo-hoo!

(SOFTLY) Oh, bloody hell.-What you doing here?-Just come round. Kettle's on.

That's all we need, isn't it?

Look at Dick.I bet he's in a right stinking mood.

-Get in here.

-Get off.

SHARON: Don't slam the door in my face.MANDY: Don't be so bloody rude.

Come in, Sharon.

Where you been?She's been sitting here

for two bleeding hours.

She's staying the night.

She's even brought her nightie with her.Right.

What's this about you

stopping the night here?Thought I would, Mand,

if that's all right.

-Well, you can't.

-Well, I can't go home.-Why not?

-She's chucked me out.

-Don't be so stupid.-She has, Mandy.

Look, Glor, what goes on

between you and Mumis nothing to do with me and Dick.

-All right.

-You're not stopping here.

All right, Mandy.I don't know why you

don't say nothing to her.

What are you talking about?

I told her but yap, yap, yap,all through Grandstand. I turned it off.

She don't take no bleeding notice.

-What you doing?-Making us all a nice cup of tea.

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-Well, don't.

-That's all right, Mand, I don't mind.

-Well, I do.-Go and sit yourself down.

Gloria, I can make my own tea.

All right, please yourself.-You all right, Sharon?-Yeah.

Gloria, you're not

stopping here tonight.Don't take it out on me, Mandy,

just 'cause you've had a row with Dick.

What have you been telling her?

-I ain't said nothing.-Yes, you did.

Can't keep your bloody mouth

shut, can you?We'd better leave it there,

then, shall we?

What are you talking about?

The kettle's boiling.Gloria!

Now, you leave things alone

in my kitchen.Mind my kidneys, Mandy!

I hardly touched you.

You go pushing people.

Lucky I'm not expecting.Don't you make yourself comfortable.

You're not stopping here.

Why not? You've got plenty of room.Look, Glor, this is our house

and we don't have

no bloody privacy here these days.I can have a cup of tea, can't I?

No, you can't. And you're not

stopping here for the evening, neither.

I'm having a night in on me ownwith Sharon.

-Oh, are you?

-Yes, I am.

Yeah, well, I live here and all,you know.

You said you was going out.

It's nothing to do with you.You going out on your own,

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are you, Dick?

You mind your own bleeding business.

He'll do whatever he wants to.Oi! Get some tea.

If your sister ain't out of here

in five minutes,I'm bleeding clocking her one.I never bloody invited her here, did I?

You want me to hit her?

Is that what you want?Yeah, start throwing your weight around.

That'll do a lot of good, won't it?

Well, you get her out, then.

-Where are you going?-Upstairs.

-Gloria!

-I'm going to the toilet.Right, when you've done in there,

you're going home.

Bleeding football results

will be through in a minute.(TOILET FLUSHING)

(FOOTSTEPS IN HALLWAY)

She's gone in that bloody spare bedroom.Gloria!

(RUNNING UP STAIRS)

MANDY: What the bloody hell

do you think you're doing?GLORIA: Don't you push me!

What do you think you're doing?

DICK: Right! You two, get down here now!GLORIA: Pushing me

down the bleeding stairs.

There's something going on hereI don't know about.

Well, it'll make a change for you,

wouldn't it, you nosey parker?

Right, you shut your mouth.You two, get out.

GLORIA: That's nice, isn't it? Charming.

MANDY: She's stopping here.

You're asking for it, you are.Don't you talk to my sister

like that, Dick.

-You mind your own business.-You'll get a back-hander and all.

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Don't you threaten me, neither.

Come on, Sharon, get your coat on.

Don't start bringing her into it.She's staying here.

Come on, you're going home.

I'm not leaving you hereon your own with him, Mandy.-Get her out.

-Get your coat on.

-I can dress myself.-Will you put it on?

-You put it down!

-All right.

-What you doing?-Go on, get out!

This is your doing, Dick!

-Mandy!-Out!

Mandy!

(GLORIA SOBBING)

-I'm not having that.-Mandy!

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Don't you answer that door.Mandy!

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

She's gone round the back.

Mandy, what are you doing?-Go on, go on get out!

-Gloria, go home!

Mandy!-Gloria, will you go home?

-DICK: Leave her!

(SOBBING)Mr Butcher!

Mr Butcher!

Can I help you?

-I want Mr Butcher!-Excuse me!

-Mr Butcher!

-Ralph!

-Mr Butcher!-Ralph!

Will you come down here

and open this door, please?Gloria, you open this door!

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-Piss off, you!

-MANDY: Don't tell me to piss off!

Mr Butcher! Oh, Mr Butcher, please!-CHRISTINE: What are you doing?

-She's after me!

CHRISTINE: Will you come down, please?What are you doing?I'm not doing anything.

Mind out of the way.

-Where is she?-Christine, come here!

-Christine!

-DICK: Mandy!

-What's going on?-She's a bit aerated.

-What?

-Glor. I'll get her down.Can I go up?

-Where's the toilet?

-It's there.

-Gloria! She's in here.-She's in the bathroom.

Bloody locked the door. Gloria!

I'm warning you,there's gonna be hell to pay for this.

-Mind your back!

-Will you stop pushing me around?

I'll push you down the bleeding stairsin a second.

BUTCHER: Now everybody stand still.

-Shut up!-Ralph!

Come on, girl, out you come!

BUTCHER: What's going on?Gloria, I'll break your bleeding neck.

-You! I'm talking to you.

-Shut up!

-Don't you talk to me like that.-Ralph, will you be quiet?

-Don't you start.

-MANDY: Will you come out of there now?

I will not be abused in my own house.Gloria, I'll break this door down

and tear your bleeding head off!

Now get out here!-MANDY: Gloria!

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-I won't. It's outrageous.

Ralph, just hush.

-Gloria, come on.-Gloria!

GLORIA: I'm not coming out

while he's there, the bully.-Who?-GLORIA: You.

MANDY: Don't be so bloody stupid.

GLORIA: He triedto punch me in the face.

Of course he didn't.

He only said that because

you make him so bloody angry,didn't you, Dick?

-Yeah.

-GLORIA: Liar!Look, nobody is going to hurt you.

Come out.

You liar, get out of it.

Gloria, come on.I'm not coming out while he's there.

MANDY: Oh, God.

Why don't you wait downstairs?-Yes, go on.

-Go on, Dick.

Look, Gloria, I ain't going to hurt you.

You're being very silly.Tell him to go, Mr Butcher.

I've told him once.

Well, tell him a-bloody-gain.-Get down those stairs.

-Go on!

Yeah, all right. There you are, Glor.I'm going downstairs.

GLORIA: (SOBBING) Get back

to your own house.

Now, Gloria, Dick's gone downstairs.-No, he ain't. It's a trick!

-Oh!

-He has.

-He ain't.He has. I told him to go and he's gone.

I don't believe you.

You've got no faith, woman.Faith, hope, charity.

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Ralph!

There you are, Gloria.

Now, Dick's gone downstairs.Haven't you, Dick?

-Yeah.

-I can hear him.-Dick, get down them stairs!-Go on!

Yeah, all right. I'm going.

There you are, Glor.I'm going down the stairs, look.

There you are, all right?

He's gone.

There you are, he's gone,hasn't he, Mr Butcher?

Yes.

MANDY: Now, if you come out now,I'll take you home.

What's she doing?

(SOBBING) I can't go home, I told you.

I don't mean home.I mean our house next door, our home.

Just come out.

(GLORIA SOBBING)Is Mrs Butcher there?

Yes, what of it?

I want Mrs Butcher.

(MR BUTCHER GRUNTING QUIETLY)Here I am.

-Mrs Butcher?

-Yes.Can I have a cup of tea?

Yes, of course you can.

Gloria, that is it!-Christine.

-What?

-Don't put the kettle on.

-What is the matter with you?Christine!

MANDY: Gloria, I've had enough

of you and your bloody tears today.

(MANDY RATTLING DOOR)Don't do that to my door handle.

You'll break it.

-Right, I'm sorry.-I should think so, too.

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Now, look, your brother-in-law

has gone away.

Everything's quiet,and there's absolutely no reason

why you shouldn't come out.

This is a decent Christian household.There you are, Glor.There's no need to make her no tea.

CHRISTINE: It's perfectly all right.

-She'll be down in a minute.-It's no trouble at all.

Can you hear me?

-Listen to Mr Butcher.

-I've put the kettle on.She's on the verge of coming out.

Do you mind?

I heard that.-Come on, then, Glor. Come on.

-No.

Glor, please.

Mrs Butcher?Yes.

Will you wait for me?

Of course I will.Honest?

Cross my heart and hope to die.

(MR BUTCHER GRUNTING QUIETLY)

GLORIA: All right, then.There, see?

(GRUNTING QUIETLY)

(GLORIA SOBBING)Give me your bags.

(SOBBING)

Come on.(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

Come on.

I don't take sugar, Mrs Butcher.All right.

-Where are you going?

-A cup of tea.

-No, we're gonna go now.-No, no, no, no, no.

-She can have her tea next door.

-She's perfectly welcome around.If she wants a cup of tea,

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she can have one.

This way, come on.

-He's still there!-God, Dick!

Get out of here, you silly cow,

or I'll break your bleeding neck!No!What are you playing at? Get off me!

I'll give you a right-hander, I will.

Mandy! Leave her alone, you silly cow!(ALL SHOUTING)

Now, you don't let go of me,

I'll hit your husband.

Christine! Come down, Christine.Come down, Christine!

Piss off!

-I'm not trying to hurt her!-Get your hands off of her!

-I am not...

-Leave her alone, please!

I'm not trying to hurt her,I'm just trying to get her out.

All right?

-Now, come on, Glor.-All right.

Come on.

I feel sick!

Don't you bloody be sickall over the carpet!

DICK: She can't be sick!

Right. Now, you listen to me, Gloria.-Are you being sick?

-Shut up!

Gloria, we'll take you next door now.You can have a nice cup of tea

with Sharon and Mandy.

-I'm going out. I won't be there, see?

-I'm not going next door.-Yes, you are.

-I'm not.

-Yes, you are, girl. Now, come on.

-Gently, gently.I'm not hurting her, am I?

Come on. You just pull yourself

together, now, and sit up.CHRISTINE: It's all right now.

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-Come on.

-CHRISTINE: Sit up.

-Up you get, now.-Come on.

-Come on, up you get, that's it.

-Come on.-That's better.-That's it.

There you are. There you are.

-Now, then...-That's it.

That's better. Now, come on.

-No!

-Stand up.-Gloria...

-Come on, Gloria, stand up.

-Will you get up!-Get out!

I've tried reasoning with her,

it don't work.

She's got to get down.All I'm trying to do is get her

out of your house!

Leave her!For crying out loud!

All right! All right!

I've had enough! You sort it out!

(ALL SHOUTING)Bloody hell, Glor!

All right.

All right, all right.Come on, Glor.

You come home with us two.

Will you just leave hera minute, please?

Tell her she's got to go, Mrs Butcher.

''She''? Who's ''she''!

Don't you talk to me like that!CHRISTINE: That's enough.

She's bloody 32 years of age

and she's behaving like a bleeding kid.

Please, just will you...She's bloody eight years older than us.

Listen, we'll just sit here

and wait till you're ready.Oh, yeah, we'll wait

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all bloody afternoon for her.

Come on.

SHARON: These her things?MANDY: Yeah.

(GLORIA SOBBING)

Who are you?Sharon Jackson.Oh, yes.

I thought I recognised you, yes.

Mandy, get yourself next door.Come on, Sharon. We've done our best.

They can sort it out now. Come on.

Dick!

Dick!Right. I'm not surprised if...

CHRISTINE: Will you please leave her?

Will you leave her alone?...round the bloody bend, you are!

What the bloody hell do you think

you're doing to me?

That's it! I've had enough of you!Will you just pull yourself together?

-Leave me alone!

-Will you pull yourself together?Now, get out!

-Don't talk like that to me!

-I will!

Don't you ever step foot in my houseagain, you bleeding cow!

Get out!

Mind out the way!-Bloody cow, she is!

-Come on, Mandy.

Bloody hitting me.You all right?

Slapped me right in the face.

Dick!

(DOOR SLAMMING)(GRUNTING QUIETLY)

Is that Venice?

Yes, yes, that's right, yes.

I never been there.Recognise it, though.

On one of our holidays.

I was going to cook their dinnerfor them tomorrow.

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They've only gone off

with my overnight bag.

What am I going to do now, Mr Butcher?I see you've got

one of them showers upstairs.

They've got one of them next door.Not as big as yours, though.Oh, yes?

Never had a shower.

There we are.Oh, thank you.

Are you feeling better?

-Yes, thank you.

-Good.You drink that up. That's it.

Would you like a biscuit, Gloria?

Yes, please. I haven't had me tea.Oh, dear.

Am I stopping you watching

the sports, Mr Butcher?

No, no, no.-Are you sure?

-Yes, yes.

-What are you doing?-(GRUNTING)

Ginger nut, bourbon or Garibaldi?

I'll have a Garibaldi, thank you.

Haven't we got any Penguins?Would you like a Penguin, Gloria?

Yes, please.

There we are.Oh, thank you.

And one for you, Ralph.

(GRUNTING)Have you got tummy ache, Mr Butcher?

You want to have a drop of magnesium,

sort that out.

Now, then...It's a beautiful house

you've got here, Mrs Butcher.

Thank you very much.

Here, I can't keepcalling you Mr and Mrs Butcher.

What's your names?

-I'm Christine.-Yeah?

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(GRUNTING)

And he's Ralph.

Oh, I'm Gloria.I'll give you a hand finish

that car later on, Chris.

Oh, don't worry about that.Ooh, I've left my bucketon the pavement.

I'd better retrieve it.

Hand us that over, Ralph.-What's that?

-Knitting.

That's my wife's knitting.

Here, hand it over.I'll just do a few rows

while I'm sitting here.

Safe and sound.-This for Ralph, is it, Chris?

-Oh.

No, it's for my sister, actually.

Oh, how many sisters you got?-Just the one.

-Same as me.

Do you live very far away?No. I have to get the bus,

Vauxhall estate.

-She's perked up a bit, hasn't she?

-Yes.I still feel a bit queasy.

-Do you?

-Mmm-hmm.I wouldn't mind a lie down.

(MR BUTCHER GRUNTING)

Well, I don't carewhat they think about us.

-We was trying to get her out.

-Yeah, we all tried.

There you are. Even she agrees with mefor once in her bleeding life.

They'll find out what they've

let themselves in for now.

-Yeah, they will, and all.-She's the bloody limit, isn't she?

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Who's that?Yeah?

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I've just come to put you

in the picture.

-You'd better come in, then.-No, it's all right.

There you are.

-I want to talk to you, anyway.-Oh, I see.-Now, the situation is...

-Do you want a cigarette?

I don't smoke.-Don't you?

-No.

The thing is, Mrs Butcher,

you don't know her.Look at the state of my missus.

That's all due to Gloria, that is.

There you are.Sit yourself down, come on.

I'm black and blue all over through her.

(SNORING)

(GRUNTING QUIETLY)-My mum wouldn't chuck her out.

-She's sly, see.

Off her rocker.My husband can run her.

No, he don't want

to do that, Mrs Butcher,

because she won't get out of his carwhen she gets home.

All right, I'll phone for the taxi.

-She can walk up the phone box.-Certainly not.

There you are, then, I'll give you

the money for the call.I won't hear of it.

-Thank you very much.

-It's a pleasure.

You'd better get your coat.All right.

Gloria, wakey wakey.

Hello, Chris.

Oh!Dear.

Oh, I'm parched.

MANDY: Hello, Glor.-What you doing here?

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-It's all right.

-What happened?

-Nothing's happened.Mandy's come to take you home.

-Eh?

-Yeah.Oh, changed your tune, then?-Where's Dick?

-MANDY: Next door.

Maniac.Now, I won't have you talking

about him like that, Glor.

-Well, he is.

-Gloria!We're going to take you home to Mum's,

me and Sharon.

We've ordered a taxi.MR BUTCHER: Yes,

it'll be here eventually.

Oh.

-Chris.-Yes?

Give us me glasses.

Ta.All steamed up.

Shouldn't have had that liver

for me dinner.

How are you feeling?I'm all right,

there's nothing wrong with me!

No need to shoutin other people's houses.

Mouth feels like

the bottom of a handbag.-A handbag?

-Yeah.

(GRUNTING)

-Can I have a cup of water, Chris?-Yes, of course you can.

No, it's all right, Mrs Butcher,

we'll be having a drink when we get in.

It's perfectly all right.-Well, if it's no trouble...

-No sooner said than done.

(MR BUTCHER GRUNTING)I thought you two were stopping in?

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No, we're taking you home now, ain't we?

Well, don't put yourself out

on my account.Don't you be so bloody cheeky!

-Ruined my evening.

-Yeah.This is a nutcracker, see?-Ralph.

-What?

-There we are.-Ta.

(SLURPING LOUDLY)

MANDY: Glor.

I needed that.MANDY: Come on, get your shoes on.

-What's the rush?

-Taxi's coming.Oh, is it? Is it? Well, where is it?

You can't get a taxi for love nor money

in this godforsaken town.

Even the archbishop has to walk.Ah, but the archbishop

just sits in his palace all day

surrounded by his minions,waited on hand and foot, yes!

There's more life in my back garden

than there is in Canterbury.

Your back garden is in Canterbury.Oh, sod it! Shut up!

-Eh, Susan?

-Sharon.Taxi.

Ta-ra, then, Ralph.

-Thanks for everything.-Thank you, Mrs Butcher.

Ta-ra then, Chris.

I expect I'll see you next week.

-Gloria.-Who you pushing?

-I'm not pushing! Shut up.

-Don't start!

-All right!-For God's sake, leave her.

-You're asking for it, you are.

-Get in the back.GLORIA: I don't know how Sharon

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puts up with you all the time.

MANDY: Don't know how

she puts up with me?I don't know

how we put up with you!

-Bloody traumas you've caused today!-SHARON: Yeah, yeah.SHARON: Vauxhall Avenue, please.

MANDY: Nice, innit?

Nice way to start offwith your neighbours, isn't it?

(ARGUING CONTINUES)

(GRUNTING QUIETLY)

I hope there aren'tany human beings in that book.

-What?

-It might upset you.Are you going to go to sleep?

Oh, I should think so.

There's nothing else to do, is there?

She's mad, that woman.She ought to be locked up.

They're all mad.

Coming round here like that,disturbing people's privacy.

It's absolutely outrageous.

Well, I shouldn't worry about it.

We're back to normal now, aren't we?-What is the matter with you?

-Nothing.

-What do you want?-I'll tell you what I want.

I want sex and I want love

and I want a family,that's what I want!

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

-Dick.-What?

I've forgotten to take me pill.

Well, you was coming off it, anyway.

I thought you didn't want me to.It's what you want, innit?

Well, do you want to have a baby

and all, then?Yeah, why not?

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Only normal, innit?

Oh!

-What's the matter?-Just on my bruise.

(CHURCH BELLS RINGING)

GLORIA: Woo-hoo! Chris!Out doing your last-minute?I've done all mine.

I'm not going to get caught out

this year, not like I did last.Cor, it was terrible.

I thought to myself, right,

all the girls at work

I did at the beginning of November...Hello, Ralph, what's Father Christmas

bringing you this year, then, eh?

Then I did me mum and me dad,Uncle Jack and Aunty...

Here, get in. Don't get cold, Chris.

Mind how you go.

It's ever so slippy down there.(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

Get out and milk it. Ha!

Can't hear nothing.You should have been here

at 4:00 this morning.

You'd have heard him then.

-Got a kick on him, ain't he?-Yeah.

Ta.

-Mandy.-Ta.

Come on, Glor.

-There you are.-Oh, yeah, he did and all.

-Gloria, here's your tea.

-Put it on the table, Sharon.

I hope he don't come on Christmas Day.It'll be lovely if he did.

Probably will.

Mind you, the sooner he gets out

the better.-Yeah.

-Get up, Glor.

Wait a minute, he might do another one.Come on, you got to get to the party.

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Oh, yeah! I'd better brush my teeth.

-Isn't he picking her up?

-No.I'll bet he ain't even going.