greene-end of the affair

7/27/2019 Greene-End of the Affair

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Graham GreeneThe End of the Affair

First published in 1951

TO C.

Man has places in his heart which do not yet exist, and into them enters suerin! in order

that they may ha"e existence.# $%O& '$O(

'OO) O&*

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+ story has no be!innin! or end arbitrarily one chooses that moment o experience rom whichto loo- bac- or rom which, to loo- ahead. say /one chooses/ with the inaccurate pride o aproessional writer who # when he has been seriously noted at all # has been praised or histechnical ability, but do in act o my own will choose that blac- wet 0anuary ni!ht on theCommon, in 192, the si!ht o 3enry Miles slantin! across the wide ri"er o rain, or did theseima!es choose me4 t is con"enient, it is correct accordin! to the rules o my crat to be!in ustthere, but i had belie"ed then in a God, could also ha"e belie"ed in a hand, pluc-in! at myelbow, a su!!estion, /6pea- to him he hasn/t seen you yet./

For why should ha"e spo-en to him4 hate is not too lar!e a term to use in relation toany human bein!, hated 3enry # hated his wie 6arah too. +nd he, suppose, came soon aterthe e"ents o that e"enin! to hate me as he surely at times must ha"e hated his wie and thatother, in whom in those days we were luc-y enou!h not to belie"e. 6o this is a record o hate armore than o lo"e, and i come to say anythin! in a"our o 3enry and 6arah can be trusted am writin! a!ainst the bias because it is my proessional pride to preer the near#truth, e"en tothe expression o my near#hate.


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t was stran!e to see 3enry out on such a ni!ht he li-ed his comort and ater all # or so thou!ht # he had 6arah. To me comort is li-e the wron! memory at the wron! place or time ione is lonely one preers discomort. There was too much comort e"en in the bed sittin!#room had at the wron! # the south # side o the Common, in the relics o other people/s urniture. thou!ht would !o or a wal- throu!h the rain and ha"e a drin- at the local. The little crowded

hall was ull o stran!ers/ hats and coats and too- somebody else/s umbrella by accident # theman on the second loor had riends in. Then closed the stained#!lass door behind me and mademy way careully down the steps that had been blasted in 19 and ne"er repaired. had reasonto remember the occasion and how the stained !lass, tou!h and u!ly and 7ictorian, stood up tothe shoc- as our !randathers themsel"es would ha"e done.

8irectly be!an to cross the Common realied had the wron! umbrella, or it spran! alea- and the rain ran down under my macintosh collar, and then it was saw 3enry. could soeasily ha"e a"oided him: he had no umbrella and in the li!ht o the lamp could see his eyeswere blinded with the rain. The blac- lealess trees !a"e no protection they stood around li-ebro-en waterpipes, and the rain dripped o his sti dar- hat and ran in streams down his blac-ci"il ser"ant/s o"ercoat. had wal-ed strai!ht by him, he wouldn/t ha"e seen me, and could

ha"e made certain by steppin! two eet o the pa"ement, but said, /3enry, you are almost astran!er,/ and saw his eyes li!ht up as thou!h we were old riends./'endrix,/ he said with aection, and yet the world would ha"e said ;he; had the reasons

or hate, not me./


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/Oh no, she hardly e"er !oes.//6he used to./The >onteract +rms was still decorated or Christmas with paper streamers and paper

bells, the relics o commercial !aiety, mau"e and oran!e, and the youn! landlady leant herbreasts a!ainst the bar with a loo- o contempt or her customers.

/>retty,/ 3enry said, without meanin! it, and stared around with a certain lost air, ashyness, or somewhere to han! his hat. !ot the impression that the nearest he had e"er beorebeen to a public bar was the chophouse o &orthumberland +"enue where he ate lunch with hiscollea!ues rom the Ministry.

/


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beans... 6o went on. 6he wept awhile and went to sleep. 6he was a !ood sleeper, and too-e"en her power to sleep as an added oence.

3enry dran- his rum =uic-ly, his !ae wanderin! miserably amon! the mau"e and oran!estreamers. as-ed, /3ad a !ood Christmas4/

/7ery nice. 7ery nice,/ he said.

/+t home4/ 3enry loo-ed up at me as thou!h my inlection o the word sounded stran!e./3ome4 (es, o course.//+nd 6arah/s well4//(es.//3a"e another rum4//t/s my turn./


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paid or the drin-s, and that a!ain was a symptom o 3enry/s disturbance # he ne"ertoo- other people/s hospitality easily. 3e was always the one in a taxi to ha"e the money ready inthe palm o his hand, while we others umbled. The a"enues o the Common still ran with rain,but it wasn/t ar to 3enry/s. 3e let himsel in with a latch-ey under the Bueen +nne anli!ht andcalled, /6arah. 6arah./ lon!ed or a reply and dreaded a reply, but nobody answered. 3e said,

/6he/s out still. Come into the study./ had ne"er been in his study beore had always been 6arah/s riend, and when met3enry it was on 6arah/s territory, her haphaard li"in!#room where nothin! matched, nothin!was period or planned, where e"erythin! seemed to belon! to that "ery wee- because nothin!was e"er allowed to remain as a to-en o past taste or past sentiment. *"erythin! was used there:ust as in 3enry/s study now elt that "ery little had e"er been used. doubted whether the set oGibbon had once been opened, and the set o 6cott was only there because it had # probably #belon!ed to his ather, li-e the brone copy o the 8iscus Thrower. +nd yet he was happier in hisunused room simply because it was his his possession. thou!ht with bitterness and en"y i onepossesses a thin! securely, one need ne"er use it.

/+ whis-y4/ 3enry as-ed. remembered his eyes and wondered i he were drin-in! more

than he had done in the old days. Certainly the whis-ies he poured out were !enerous doubles./


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3e held a letter out to me it was not in my handwritin!. /Go on. ead it,/ 3enry said. twas rom some riend o 3enry/s and he wrote, / su!!est the man you want to help should applyto a ellow called 6a"a!e, 159 7i!o 6treet. ound him able and discreet, and his employeesseemed less nauseous than those chaps usually are./

/ don/t understand, 3enry./

T wrote to this man and said that an ac=uaintance o mine had as-ed my ad"ice aboutpri"ate detecti"e a!encies. t/s terrible, 'endrix. 3e must ha"e seen throu!h the pretence.//(ou really mean...4/T ha"en/t done anythin! about it, but there the letter sits on my des- remindin! me... t

seems so silly, doesn/t it, that can trust her absolutely not to read it thou!h she comes in here adoen times a day. don/t e"en put it away in a drawer. +nd yet can/t trust... she/s out or a wal-now. + ;wal-;, 'endrix./ The rain had penetrated his !uard also and he held the ed!e o hisslee"e towards the !as ire.

//m sorry.//(ou were always a special riend o hers, 'endrix. They always say, don/t they, that a

husband is the last person really to -now the -ind o woman... thou!ht toni!ht, when saw you

on the Common, that i told you, and you lau!hed at me, mi!ht be able to burn the letter./3e sat there with his damp arm extended, loo-in! away rom me. had ne"er elt lessli-e lau!hin!, and yet would ha"e li-ed to lau!h i had been able.

said, /t/s not the sort o situation one lau!hs at, e"en i it is antastic to thin-... /3e as-ed me lon!in!ly, /t is antastic. (ou do thin- that /m a ool, don/t you...4/ would willin!ly ha"e lau!hed a moment beore, and yet now, when only had to lie, all

the old ealousies returned. +re husband and wie so much one lesh that i one hates the wieone has to hate the husband too4 3is =uestion reminded me o /how easy he had been to decei"eso easy that he seemed to me almost a conni"er at his wie/s unaithulness, li-e the man wholea"es loose notes in a hotel bedroom conni"es at thet, and hated him or the "ery =ualitywhich had once helped my lo"e.

The slee"e o his ac-et steamed away in ront o the !as and he repeated, still loo-in!away rom me, /O course, can tell you thin- me a ool./

Then the demon spo-e, /Oh no, don/t thin- you a ool, 3enry.//(ou mean, you really thin- it/s... possible4//O course it/s possible. 6arah/s human./3e said indi!nantly, /+nd always thou!ht you were her riend,/ as thou!h it was who

had written the letter./O course,/ said, /you -now her so much better than e"er did.//n some ways,/ he said !loomily, and -new he was thin-in! o the "ery ways in which

had -nown her the best./(ou as-ed me, 3enry, i thou!ht you were a ool. only said there was nothin! oolish

in the idea. said nothin! a!ainst 6arah.// -now, 'endrix. /m sorry. ha"en/t been sleepin! well lately. wa-e up in the ni!ht

wonderin! what to do about this wretched letter.//'urn it.// wish could./ 3e still had it in his hand and or a moment really thou!ht he was !oin!

to set it ali!ht./Or !o and see Mr 6a"a!e,/ said.


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/'ut can/t pretend to him that /m not her husband. 0ust thin-, 'endrix, o sittin! there inront o a des- in a chair all the other ealous husbands ha"e sat in, tellin! the same story... 8oyou thin- there/s a waitin!#room, so that we see each other/s aces as we pass throu!h4/ 6tran!e, thou!ht, you would almost ha"e ta-en 3enry or an ima!inati"e man. elt my superioritysha-en and the old desire to tease awo-e in me a!ain. said, /


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you4


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sympathy, anxiety to be o ser"ice. noticed that when he shoo- hands he !a"e my in!ers anodd twist. thin- he must ha"e been a reemason, and i had been able to return the pressure, would probably ha"e recei"ed special terms.

/Mr 'endrix4/ he said. /6it down. thin- that is the most comortable chair./ 3e patted acushion or me and stood solicitously beside me until had successully lowered mysel into it.

Then he drew a strai!ht chair up beside me as thou!h he were !oin! to listen to my pulse. /&owust tell me e"erythin! in your own words,/ he said. can/t ima!ine what other words couldha"e used but my own. elt embarrassed and bitter had not come here or sympathy, but topay, i could aord it, or some practical assistance.

be!an, / don/t -now what your char!es are or watchin!4/Mr 6a"a!e !ently stro-ed his striped tie. 3e said, /8on/t worry about that now, Mr

'endrix. char!e three !uineas or this preliminary consultation, but i you don/t wish to proceedany urther ma-e no char!e at all, none at all. The best ad"ertisement, you -now,/ # he slid the;clichD; in li-e a thermometer # /is a satisied client./

n a common situation, suppose, we all beha"e much ali-e and use the same words. said, /This is a "ery simple case,/ and was aware with an!er that Mr 6a"a!e really -new all

about it beore be!an to spea-. &othin! that had to say would be stran!e to Mr 6a"a!e,nothin! that he could unearth would not ha"e been du! up so many doens o times already thatyear. *"en a doctor is sometimes disconcerted by a patient, but Mr 6a"a!e was a specialist whodealt in only one disease o which he -new e"ery symptom.

3e said with a horrible !entleness, /Ta-e your time, Mr 'endrix./ was becomin! conused li-e all his other patients./There/s really nothin! to !o on,/ explained./+h, that/s my ob,/ Mr 6a"a!e said. /(ou ust !i"e me the mood, the atmosphere. assume

we are discussin! Mrs 'endrix4//&ot exactly.//'ut she passes under that name4//&o, you are !ettin! this =uite wron!. 6he/s the wie o a riend o mine.//+nd he/s sent you4//&o.//>erhaps you and the lady are # intimate4//&o. /"e only seen her once since 19.///m araid don/t =uite understand. This is a watchin! case, you said./ hadn/t realied till then that he had an!ered me so much. /Can/t one lo"e or hate./ bro-e

out at him, /as lon! as that4 8on/t ma-e any mista-e. /m ust another o your ealous clients, don/t claim to be any dierent rom the rest, but there/s been a time#la! in my case./

Mr 6a"a!e laid his hand on my slee"e as thou!h were a retul child. /There/s nothin!discreditable about ealousy, Mr 'endrix. always salute it as the mar- o true lo"e. &ow thislady we are discussin!, you ha"e reason to suppose that she is now # intimate with another4/

/3er husband thin-s that she/s decei"in! him. 6he has pri"ate meetin!s. 6he lies aboutwhere she/s been. 6he has # secrets./

/+h, secrets, yes.//There may be nothin! in it, o course.//n my lon! experience, Mr 'endrix, there almost in"ariably is./ +s thou!h he had

suiciently reassured me now to !o ahead with the treatment, Mr 6a"a!e returned to his des-


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and prepared to write. &ame. +ddress. 3usband/s occupation.


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appro"in! whis-y, but Mr 6a"a!e didn/t detect the humour. / -new a case,/ he told me, /when amonth/s in=uiry was sa"ed by a double at the proper time # the cheapest whis-y my client e"erpaid or./ 3e explained that some o his clients li-ed to ha"e a daily account, but told him would be satisied with a wee-ly one.

The whole aair had !one "ery bris-ly he had almost con"inced me by the time came

out into 7i!o 6treet that this was the -ind o inter"iew which happened to all men sooner or later.

?

/+nd i there/s anythin! more you could tell me that would be rele"ant4/ remember Mr 6a"a!ehad said # a detecti"e must ind it as important as a no"elist to amass his tri"ial material beore

pic-in! out the ri!ht clue. 'ut how diicult that pic-in! out is # the release o the real subect.The enormous pressure o the outside world wei!hs on us li-e a ;peine orte et dure;. &ow that come to write my own story the problem is still the same, but worse # there are so many moreacts, now that ha"e not to in"ent them. 3ow can disinter the human character rom the hea"yscene # the daily newspaper, the daily meal, the traic !rindin! towards 'attersea, the !ullscomin! up rom the Thames loo-in! or bread, and the early summer o 19?9 !lintin! on thepar- where the children sailed their boats # one o those bri!ht condemned pre#war summers4 wondered whether, i thou!ht lon! enou!h, could detect, at the party 3enry had !i"en, heruture lo"er.


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/(es./ elt an enormous li-in! or him, standin! there on the Common, away rom his own

party, with tears in his eyes. said, /(ou/"e !ot a lo"ely house.//My wie ound it/ had met him only a wee- a!o # at another party he was in the Ministry o >ensions in

those days, and had buttonholed him or the sa-e o my material. Two days later came the card. learned later that 6arah had !ot him to send it. /3a"e you been married lon!4/ as-ed him./Ten years.// thou!ht your wie was charmin!.//6he/s a !reat help to me,/ he said. >oor 3enry. 'ut why should say poor 3enry4 8idn/t

he possess in the end the winnin! cards # the cards o !entleness, humility and trust4/ must be !oin! bac-,/ he said. / mustn/t lea"e it all to her, 'endrix,/ and he laid his hand

on my arm as thou!h we/d -nown each other a year. 3ad he learnt the !esture rom her4 Marriedpeople !row li-e each other. assion, would we ha"e beenable to say rom their actions alone whether it was the ealous 0udas or the cowardly >eter wholo"ed Christ4


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what should say i he answered. Then realied that there was nothin! wron! any more withthe truth. $ies had deserted me, and elt as lonely as thou!h they had been my only riends.

The "oice o a hi!hly#trained maid repeated the number into my ear#drum. said, /s MrsMiles in4/

/Mrs Miles4/

/sn/t that Macaulay 5?//(es.// want to spea- to Mrs Miles.//(ou/"e !ot the wron! number,/ and she ran! o. t had ne"er occurred to me that the

small thin!s alter too with time. loo-ed Miles up in the directory, but the old number was still there the directory was

more than a year out o date. was ust !oin! to dial n=uiries when the telephone ran! a!ain,and it was 6arah hersel. 6he said with some embarrassment, /s that you4/ 6he had ne"er calledme by any name, and now without her old terms o aection she was at a loss. said, /'endrixspea-in!./

/This is 6arah. 8idn/t you !et my messa!e4/

/Oh, was !oin! to rin! you, but had to inish an article. 'y the way, don/t thin- /"e!ot your number now. t/s in the boo-, suppose4//&o. &ot yet.


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laid the newspaper lat on the table and read the same pa!e o"er and o"er a!ain because wouldn/t loo- at the doorway. >eople were continually comin! in, and wouldn/t be one o thosewho by mo"in! their heads up and down betray a oolish expectation.


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my mind, or had no intention o ma-in! lo"e to her had no particular intention e"en oloo-in! her up a!ain. 6he was too beautiul to excite me with the idea o accessibility.

eace comin!.../ +nd mi!ht ust as well ha"e

said peace !oin!./ sometimes was araid you/d !o bac- to that old idea #the one hated. 6ome men would

ha"e done.//+ boo- ta-es me a year to write. t/s too hard wor- or a re"en!e.// you -new how little you had to re"en!e. I,//O course /m o-in!.


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cou!hed and cou!hed. 3er eyes were red with it. n her ur coat she loo-ed li-e a small animalcornered.

//m sorry./ said with bitterness, as thou!h had been robbed o somethin!, /That needs attendin!

to./

/t/s only a cou!h./ 6he held her hand out and said, /Good#bye # Maurice./ The name wasli-e an insult. said /Good#bye/, but didn/t ta-e her hand wal-ed =uic-ly away without loo-in!round, tryin! to !i"e the appearance o bein! busy and relie"ed to be !one, and when heard thecou!h be!in a!ain, wished had been able to whistle a tune, somethin! aunty, ad"enturous,happy, but ha"e no ear or music.

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with, and so lo"e did last. 'ut i lo"e had to die, wanted it to die =uic-ly. t was as thou!h ourlo"e were a small creature cau!ht in a trap and bleedin! to death had to shut my eyes andwrin! its nec-.

+nd all that time couldn/t wor-. 6o much o a no"elist/s writin!, as ha"e said, ta-esplace in the unconscious in those depths the last word is written beore the irst word appears on

paper.


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/That/s my boy. /m trainin! him in the business./ 3e added hastily, / don/t put anythin!down or him, sir, unless lea"e him in char!e, li-e now./

/3e/s in char!e, is he4//Only while ma-e my report, sir.//3ow old is he4/

/Gone twel"e,/ he said as thou!h his boy were a cloc-. /+ youn!ster can be useul andcosts nothin! except a comic now and then. +nd nobody notices him. 'oys are born lin!erers.//t seems odd wor- or a boy.//iccadilly Circus. 6he seemed a!itated. 6he proceeded up +ir6treet to the Cae oyal, where a !entleman was waitin! or her. Me and my boy... /

3e wouldn/t lea"e me alone. /(ou/ll notice, sir, it/s in a dierent hand. ne"er let my boywrite the reports in case there/s anythin! o an intimate character./

/(ou ta-e !ood care o him,/ said./Me and my boy sat down on a proximate couch,/ read. /The party and the !entleman

were ob"iously "ery close, treatin! each other with aectionate lac- o ceremony, and thin- onone occasion holdin! hands below the table. could not be certain o this, but the party/s lethand was out o si!ht and the !entleman/s ri!ht hand too which !enerally indicates a s=ueee othat nature. +ter a short and intimate con"ersation they proceeded on oot to a =uiet andsecluded restaurant -nown to its customers as ules and choosin! a couch rather than a tablethey ordered two por- chops./

/+re the por- chops important4//They mi!ht be mar-s o identiication, sir, i re=uently indul!ed in.//(ou didn/t identiy the man, then4//(ou will see, sir, i you read on./


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/ dran- a coc-tail at the bar when obser"ed this order o the por- chops, but wasunable to elicit rom any o the waiters or rom the lady behind the bar the identity o the!entleman. +lthou!h couched my =uestions in a "a!ue and nonchalant manner they ob"iouslyaroused curiosity, and thou!ht it better to lea"e. 3owe"er by stri-in! up an ac=uaintance withthe sta!e door-eeper o the 7aude"ille Theatre was able to -eep the restaurant under

obser"ation.//3ow,/ as-ed, /did you stri-e up the ac=uaintance4//+t the bar o the /'edord 3ead/, sir, seein! as the parties were saely occupied with the

order or chops, and aterwards accompanied him bac- to the theatre, where the sta!e door /-now the place,/

/ ha"e tried to compress my report, sir, to essentials.//Buite ri!ht./The report continued /+ter lunch the parties proceeded to!ether up Maiden $ane and

parted outside a !eneral !rocery. had the impression they were labourin! under !reat emotion,and it occurred to me that they mi!ht be partin! or !ood, a happy endin! i may say so to thisin"esti!ation./

+!ain he interrupted me anxiously, /(ou/ll or!i"e the personal touch4//O course.//*"en in my proession, sir, we sometimes ind our emotions touched, and ;li-ed; the

lady # the party in =uestion, that is.// hesitated whether to ollow the !entleman or the party in =uestion, but decided my

instructions would not permit the ormer. ollowed the latter thereore. 6he wal-ed a little waytowards Charin! Cross oad, appearin! much a!itated. Then she turned into the &ational >ortraitGallery but only stayed a ew minutes... /

/s there anythin! more o importance4//&o, sir. thin- really she was ust loo-in! or a place to sit down because next thin! she

turned into a church.//+ church4//+ oman church, sir, in Maiden $ane. (ou/ll ind it all there. 'ut not to pray, sir. 0ust to

sit.//(ou -now e"en that much, do you4//&aturally ollowed the party in. -nelt down a ew pews behind so as to appear a ;bona

ide; worshipper, and can assure you, sir, she didn/t pray. 6he/s not a oman, is she, sir4//&o.//t was to sit in the dar-, sir, till she calmed down.//>erhaps she was meetin! someone4//&o, sir. 6he only stayed three minutes and she didn/t spea- to anyone. you as- me, she

wanted a !ood cry.//>ossibly. 'ut you are wron! about the hands, Mr >ar-is.//The hands, sir4/ mo"ed so that the li!ht cau!ht my ace more ully./


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/Oh no, sir,/ he said miserably, /it was up to me./ Then he bent his head and sat there,loo-in! into his hat that lay on his -nees. tried to cheer him up. /t/s not serious,/ said. / youloo- at it rom the outside, it/s really =uite unny./

/'ut /m on the inside, sir,/ he said. 3e turned his hat round and went on in a "oice asdamp and dreary as the common outside, /t/s not Mr 6a"a!e mind about, sir. 3e/s as

understandin! a man as you/ll meet in the proession # it/s my boy. 3e started with !reat ideasabout me./ 3e ished rom the depths o his misery a deprecatin! and ri!htened smile. /(ou-now the -ind o readin! they do, sir. &ic- Carters and the li-e./

/


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0ealousy, or so ha"e always belie"ed, exists only with desire. The Old Testament writers wereond o usin! the words /a ealous God/, and perhaps it was their rou!h and obli=ue way oexpressin! belie in the lo"e o God or man. 'ut suppose there are dierent -inds o desire.My desire now was nearer hatred than lo"e, and 3enry had reason to belie"e, rom what 6arahonce told me, had lon! ceased to eel any physical desire or her. +nd yet, thin-, in those days

he was as ealous as was. 3is desire was simply or companionship he elt or the irst timeexcluded rom 6arah/s conidence he was worried and despairin! # he didn/t -now what was!oin! on or what was !oin! to happen. 3e was li"in! in a terrible insecurity. To that extent hispli!ht was worse than mine. had the security o possessin! nothin!. could ha"e no more than had lost, while he still owned her presence at the table, the sound o her eet on the stairs, theopenin! and closin! o doors, the -iss on the chee- # doubt i there was much else now, butwhat a lot to a star"in! man is ust that much. +nd perhaps what made it worse, he had onceenoyed the sense o security as ne"er had. ar-is returned acrossthe Common, he didn/t e"en -now that 6arah and had once been lo"ers. +nd when write thatword my brain a!ainst my will tra"els irresistibly bac- to the point where pain be!an.

+ whole wee- went by ater the umblin! -iss in Maiden $ane beore ran! 6arah up.

6he had mentioned at dinner that 3enry didn/t li-e the cinema and so she rarely went. They wereshowin! a ilm o one o my boo-s at


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/(es./ 6he helped me to them and then helped hersel.s it possible to all in lo"e o"er a dish o onions4 t seems improbable and yet could

swear it was ust then that ell in lo"e. t wasn/t, o course, simply the onions #it was that suddensense o an indi"idual woman, o a ran-ness that was so oten later to ma-e me happy andmiserable. put my hand under the cloth and laid it on her -nee, and her hand came down and

held mine in place. said, /t/s a !ood stea-,/ and heard li-e poetry her reply, /t/s the best /"e e"ereaten./There was no pursuit and no seduction.


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/&ot "ery.// wish had your power o # puttin! thin!s down./6arah saw me to the door and we -issed a!ain. +t that moment it was 3enry li-ed, not

6arah. t was as thou!h all the men in the past and all the men in the uture cast their shade o"erthe present. /


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3enry entertained, when they were alone to!ether. t was no !ood tellin! mysel that in her ownhome she would ha"e no opportunity to betray me @with the e!otism o a lo"er was alreadyusin! that word with its su!!estion o a non#existent dutyA while 3enry wor-ed on the widows/pensions or # or he was soon shited rom that ob # on the distribution o !as#mas-s and thedesi!n o appro"ed cardboard cases, or didn/t -now it was possible to ma-e lo"e in the most

dan!erous circumstances, i the desire were there4 8istrust !rows with a lo"er/s success.


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/6uppose he heard,/ said, /as he passed,//3e wouldn/t ha"e -nown what it was./ must ha"e loo-ed incredulous, or she explained with dreary tenderness, />oor 3enry.

t/s ne"er happened # not in the whole ten years,/ but all the same we weren/t so sure o oursaety we sat there silently listenin! until the stair s=uea-ed a!ain. My "oice sounded to mysel

crac-ed and alse as said rather too loudly, //m !lad you li-e that scene with the onions,/ and3enry pushed open the door and loo-ed in. 3e was carryin! a hot#water#bottle in a !rey lannelco"er. /3ello, 'endrix,/ he whispered.

/(ou shouldn/t ha"e etched that yoursel,/ she said./8idn/t want to disturb you.//


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E

/8ear sir,/ the letter said, / am !lad to be able to report that me and my boy ha"e made riendlycontact with the domestic at &umber 1. This has enabled the in"esti!ation to proceed with!reater speed because am sometimes able to ta-e a s=uint at the party/s en!a!ement boo- andthus obtain mo"ements, also inspect rom day to day the contents o the party/s waste#paperbas-et, rom which include herewith an interestin! exhibit, which please return withobser"ations. The party in =uestion also -eeps a diary and has -ept one or some years, but so arthe domestic who in uture shall reer to or !reater security as my riend has not been able tolay hand on it, bein! as how the party -eeps the same under loc- and -ey, which may or may notbe a suspicious circumstance. +part rom the important exhibit attached hereto, the party seemsto spend a !reat deal o time in not -eepin! the appointments arran!ed as per her en!a!ementboo- which has to be re!arded as a blind, howe"er personally unwillin! to ta-e a low "iew or

cast a bias in an in"esti!ation o this order where exact truth is desired or the sa-e o all parties./ar-is/s ramblin! e"asi"eineicient reports into his mouth in the presence o that boy o his. t was as i in my attempt totrap 6arah @but or what purpose4 To hurt 3enry or to hurt mysel4A had let a clown cometumblin! into our intimacy. ntimacy. *"en that word smac-s o Mr >ar-is/s reports. 8idn/t hewrite once, /Thou!h ha"e no direct e"idence o intimacy ha"in! ta-en place at 12 Cedar oad,the party certainly showed an intent to decei"e/4 'ut that was later. n this report o his learnedonly that on two occasions when 6arah had written down en!a!ements to "isit her dentist and herdressma-er, she had not turned up at her appointments i they had e"er existed: she had e"adedpursuit.

+nd then turnin! o"er Mr >ar-is/s crude document, written in mau"e in- on cheapnotepaper in his thin


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e"erythin!, e"erybody, but you,/ and onions thou!ht, with hatred, onions # that was the way inmy time.

wrote /&o comment/ under the scrap o letter, put it bac- in an en"elope and addressed itto Mr >ar-is, but when wo-e in the ni!ht could recite the whole thin! o"er to mysel, and theword /abandon/ too- on many -inds o physical ima!e. lay there unable to sleep, one memory

ater another pric-in! me with hatred and desire her hair annin! out on the par=uet loor andthe stair s=uea-in!, a day in the country when we had lain down in a ditch out o "iew o theroad and could see the spar-le o rost between the ronds o hair on the hard !round and atractor came pushin! by at the moment o crisis and the man ne"er turned his head. erhaps./


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nsecurity is the worst sense that lo"ers eel sometimes the most humdrum desirelessmarria!e seems better. nsecurity twists meanin!s and poisons trust. n a closely belea!uered citye"ery sentry is a potential traitor. *"en beore the days o Mr >ar-is was tryin! to chec- on her would catch her out in small lies, e"asions that meant nothin! except her ear o me. For e"erylie would ma!niy into a betrayal, and e"en in the most open statement would read hidden

meanin!s. 'ecause couldn/t bear the thou!ht o her so much as touchin! another man, earedit all the time, and saw intimacy in the most casual mo"ement o the hand./erhapsmy hatred is really as deicient as my lo"e. loo-ed up ust now rom writin! and cau!ht si!ht omy own ace in a mirror close to my des-, and thou!ht, does hatred really loo- li-e that4 For was reminded o that ace we ha"e all o us seen in childhood, loo-in! bac- at us rom the shop#window, the eatures blurred with our breath, as we stare with such lon!in! at the bri!htunobtainable obects within.

t must ha"e been some time in May 19 when this ar!ument bro-e out.


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3ome 6ecurity and wor-ed late, my landlady had remo"ed to the basement or ear o air#raids,and no lon!er lur-ed upon the loor abo"e watchin! o"er the banisters or undesirable "isitors.My own lie had altered not at all, because o my lameness @ ha"e one le! a little shorter thanthe other, the result o an accident in childhoodA: only when the air#raids started did eel itnecessary to become a warden. t was or the time bein! as thou!h had si!ned out o the war.

That e"enin! was still ull o my hatred and distrust when reached >iccadilly. Morethan anythin! in the world wanted to hurt 6arah. wanted to ta-e a woman bac- with me andlie with her upon the same bed in which made lo"e to 6arah: it was as thou!h -new that theonly way to hurt her was to hurt mysel. t was dar- and =uiet by this time in the streets, thou!hup in the moonless s-y mo"ed the blobs and beams o the searchli!hts. (ou couldn/t see aceswhere the women stood in doorways and at the entrances o the unused shelters. They had tosi!nal with their torches li-e !low#worms. +ll the way up 6ac-"ille 6treet the little li!hts wenton and o. ound mysel wonderin! what 6arah was doin! now. 3ad she !one home or was shewaitin! on the chance o my return4

+ woman lashed on her li!ht and said, /$i-e to come home with me, dear4/ shoo- myhead and wal-ed on.

Further up the street a !irl was tal-in! to a man as she lit up her ace or him, !ot a!limpse o somethin! youn!, dar- and happy and not yet spoiled an animal that didn/t yetreco!nie her capti"ity. passed and then came bac- up the road towards them: as approachedthe man let her and spo-e. /$i-e a drin-4/ said.

/Comin! home with me aterwards4//(es.///ll be !lad o a =uic- one./


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number. Then heard the rin!in! tone and could ima!ine the telephone where it stood on mydes- and -new exactly how many steps 6arah would ha"e to ta-e to reach it i she were sittin!in a chair or lyin! on the bed. +nd yet let it !o on rin!in! in the empty room or hal a minute.Then telephoned to her home and the maid told me she had not yet come in. thou!ht o herwal-in! about on the Common in the blac-#out # it wasn/t a "ery sae place in those days, and

loo-in! at my watch thou!ht, i hadn/t been a ool we should still ha"e had three hoursto!ether. went bac- home alone and tried to read a boo-, but all the time was listenin! or thetelephone which ne"er ran!. My pride pre"ented me telephonin! her a!ain. +t last went to bedand too- a double dose o sleepin!#drau!ht, so that the irst -new in the mornin! was 6arah/s"oice on the telephone, spea-in! to me as i nothin! had happened. t was li-e perect peacea!ain until put the recei"er down, when immediately that de"il in my brain prompted thethou!ht that the waste o those three hours meant nothin! at all to her.

ha"e ne"er understood why people who can swallow the enormous improbability o apersonal God bo!!le at a personal 8e"il. ha"e -nown so intimately the way that demon wor-sin my ima!ination. &o statement that 6arah e"er made was proo a!ainst his cunnin! doubts,thou!h he would usually wait till she had !one to utter them. 3e would prompt our =uarrels lon!

beore they occurred he was not 6arah/s enemy so much as the enemy o lo"e, and isn/t that whatthe de"il is supposed to be4 can ima!ine that i there existed a God who lo"ed, the de"il wouldbe dri"en to destroy e"en the wea-est, the most aulty imitation o that lo"e. ar-is, into bein! his saints, ready with borrowed anaticism todestroy lo"e where"er we ind it ? For thou!ht could detect in >ar-is/s next report a !enuineenthusiasm or the de"il/s !ame. +t last he had really scented lo"e and now he stal-ed it, his boyat his heels li-e a retrie"er. 3e had disco"ered where 6arah was spendin! so much o her timemore than that, he -new or certain that the "isits were surreptitious. had to admit that Mr>ar-is had pro"ed himsel an astute detecti"e. 3e had arran!ed with the help o his boy to !et theMiles/s maid outside the house ust at the moment when the /party in =uestion/ wal-ed downCedar oad towards &o .12. 6arah stopped and spo-e to the maid, whose day o it was, and themaid introduced her to youn! >ar-is. Then 6arah went on and turned the next corner, where>ar-is himsel was waitin!. 3e saw her wal- a little way and then return. ar-is were out o si!ht she ran! the bell at &o .12. Mr >ar-is then set to wor-to chec- on the inhabitants o &o .12. This was not so easy, as the house was di"ided into latsand he had no means yet o -nowin! which o the three bells 6arah ran!. 3e promised a inalreport in a ew days. +ll he had to do, when next 6arah started out in this direction, was to !etahead o her and dust the three bells with powder. /There is, o course, apart rom exhibit +, noproo o misconduct by the party in =uestion. on the stren!th o these reports such proos arere=uired with a "iew to le!al proceedin!s, it may be necessary ater a suitable inter"al to ollowthe party into the lat. + second witness, who can identiy the party, would be re=uired. t is notnecessary to catch the party in the act: a certain disarran!ement o clothes and a!itation mi!ht beheld suicient by the Courts./

3atred is "ery li-e physical lo"e it has its crisis and then its periods o calm. >oor 6arah, could thin-, readin! Mr >ar-is/s report, or this moment had been the or!asm o my hatred, andnow was satisied. could eel sorry or her, hemmed in as she was. 6he had committed nothin!but lo"e, and here were >ar-is and his boy watchin! e"ery mo"ement, plottin! with her maid,


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puttin! powder on bells, plannin! "iolent eruptions into what perhaps was the only peace thatnowadays she enoyed. had hal a mind to tear up the report and call the spies o her. >erhaps would ha"e done so i had not, at the seedy club to which belon!ed, opened a ;Tatler; andseen 3enry/s photo!raph. 3enry was successul now in the last 'irthday 3onours he hadrecei"ed a C. '. *. or his ser"ices at the Ministry he had been appointed Chairman o a oyal

Commission and here he was at the !ala ni!ht o a 'ritish ilm called ;The $ast 6iren;, pallidand pop#eyed in the lashli!ht with 6arah on his arm. 6he had lowered her head to escape thelash, but would ha"e reco!nied that close -notty hair which trapped or resisted the in!ers.6uddenly wanted to put out my hand and touch her, the hair o her head and her secret hair, wanted her lyin! beside me, wanted to be able to turn my head on the pillow and spea- to her, wanted the almost imperceptible smell and taste o her s-in, and there was 3enry acin! thepressman/s camera with the complacency and assurance o a 8epartmental head.

sat down under a sta!head presented by 6ir retty well,/ 3enry said e"asi"ely. 3e tasted his port with care and suspicion he hadn/tor!otten, suppose, the 7ienna stea-.

/+re you still worried4/ as-ed him.3e shited his !ae unhappily. /


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/ hoped you/d or!otten it. wasn/t well # you see, there was this oyal Commissionbrewin!. was o"erwor-ed./

/8o you remember oered to see him or you4//


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had expected to o"erta-e him, or at least to come in si!ht o him ahead up the lon! reach o


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/(ou pimped with your i!norance. (ou pimped by ne"er learnin! how to ma-e lo"e withher, so she had to loo- elsewhere. (ou pimped by !i"in! opportunities... (ou pimped by bein! abore and a ool, so now somebody who isn/t a bore and ool is playin! about with her in Cedaroad./

/eople ha"e a !reat opinion o your boo-s.//+nd they say you/re a irst#class chairman. eople !o on lo"in! God, don/t they, all their li"es without seein! 3im4/

/That/s not our -ind o lo"e.// sometimes don/t belie"e there/s any other -ind./ suppose should ha"e reco!nied that

she was already under a stran!er/s inluence # she had ne"er spo-en li-e that when we were irstto!ether.


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/ can/t turn on any more,/ said. /(ou/"e !ot e"erythin!.//(ou don/t -now,/ she said. /(ou don/t -now./The !lass rom the windows crumbled under our eet. Only the old 7ictorian stained !lass

abo"e the door had stood irm. The !lass turned white where it powdered li-e the ice childrenha"e bro-en in wet ields or alon! the side o roads. 6he told me a!ain, /8on/t be scared./ -new

she wasn/t reerrin! to those stran!e new weapons that still, ater i"e hours, droned steadily uprom the south li-e bees.t was the irst ni!ht o what were later called the 71s in 0une 19. ar-is had sal"a!ed, but readin! her messa!e to my un-nown successor would ha"e hurt lessi hadn/t -nown how capable she was o abandonment. &o, the 71s didn/t aect us until the acto lo"e was o"er. had spent e"erythin! had, and was lyin! bac- with my head on her stomachand her taste # as thin and elusi"e as water # in my mouth, when one o the robots crashed downon to the Common and we could hear the !lass brea-in! urther down the south side.

/ suppose we ou!ht to !o to the basement,/ said./(our landlady will be there. can/t ace other people./+ter possession comes the tenderness o responsibility when one or!ets one is only a

lo"er, responsible or nothin!. said, /6he may be away. /ll !o down and see,//8on/t !o. >lease don/t !o./T won/t be a moment./ t was a phrase one continued to use, althou!h one -new in those

days that a moment mi!ht well be eternity lon!. put on my dressin!#!own and ound my torch. hardly needed it the s-y was !rey now and in the unlit room could see the outline o her ace.

6he said, /'e =uic-./+s ran down the stairs heard the next robot comin! o"er, and then the sudden waitin!

silence when the en!ine cut out.


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with blood. My mind or a ew moments was clear o e"erythin! except a sense o tiredness asthou!h had been on a lon! ourney. had no memory at all o 6arah and was completely reerom anxiety, ealousy, insecurity, hate my mind was a blan- sheet on which somebody had ustbeen on the point o writin! a messa!e o happiness. elt sure that when my memory camebac-, the writin! would continue and that should be happy.

'ut when memory did return it was not in that way. realied irst that was lyin! on mybac- and that what balanced o"er me, shuttin! out the li!ht, was the ront door some otherdebris had cau!ht it and suspended it a ew inches abo"e my body, thou!h the odd thin! was thatlater ound mysel bruised rom the shoulders to the -nees as i by its shadow. The ist thatitted into my chee- was the china handle o the door, and it had -noc-ed out a couple o myteeth. +ter that, o course, remembered 6arah and 3enry and the dread o lo"e endin!.

!ot out rom under the door and dusted mysel down. called to the basement but therewas nobody there. Throu!h the blasted doorway could see the !rey mornin! li!ht and had asense o !reat emptiness stretchin! out rom the ruined hall realied that a tree which hadbloc-ed the li!ht had simply ceased to exist # there was no si!n o e"en a allen trun-. + lon!way o wardens were blowin! whistles. went upstairs. The irst li!ht had lost its banisters and

was a oot deep in plaster, but the house hadn/t really, by the standard o those days, sueredbadly it was our nei!hbours who had cau!ht the ull blast. The door o my room was open andcomin! alon! the passa!e could see 6arah: she had !ot o the bed and was crouched on theloor # rom ear, supposed. 6he loo-ed absurdly youn!, li-e a na-ed child. said, /That was aclose one./

6he turned =uic-ly and stared at me with ear. hadn/t realied that my dressin!#!ownwas torn and dusted all o"er with plaster: my hair was white with it, and there was blood on mymouth and chee-s. /Oh, God,/ she said, /you/re ali"e./

/(ou sound disappointed./6he !ot up rom the loor and reached or her clothes. told her, /There/s no point in your

!oin! yet. There must be an +ll Clear soon.///"e !ot to !o,/ she said./Two bombs don/t all in one place,/ said, but automatically, or that was a piece o

ol-lore that had oten pro"ed alse./(ou/re hurt.///"e lost two teeth, that/s all.//Come o"er here, let me wash your ace./ 6he had inished dressin! beore had time to

ma-e another protest #no woman ha"e e"er -nown could dress as =uic-ly. 6he bathed my ace"ery slowly and careully.

/rayin!.//


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/There was room to mo"e me. The door wasn/t holdin! me. /d ha"e wo-en up.// don/t understand. -new or certain you were dead.//There wasn/t much to pray or then, was there4/ teased her. /*xcept a miracle.//lease orward/. !ot no reply and then !a"e up hope and rememberedexactly what she had said. />eople !o on lo"in! God, don/t they, all their li"es without seein!3im4/ thou!ht with hatred, she always has to show up well in her own mirror she mixesreli!ion with desertion to ma-e it sound noble to hersel. 6he won/t admit that now she preers to!o to bed with .

That was the worst period o all it is my proession to ima!ine, to thin- in ima!es itytimes throu!h the day, and immediately wo-e durin! the ni!ht, a curtain would rise and theplay would be!in always the same play, 6arah ma-in! lo"e, 6arah with , doin! the same thin!sthat we had done to!ether, 6arah -issin! in her own particular way, archin! hersel in the act osex and utterin! that cry li-e pain, 6arah in abandonment. would ta-e pills at ni!ht to ma-e mesleep =uic-ly, but ne"er ound any pills that would -eep me asleep till dayli!ht. Only the robotswere a distraction durin! the day or a ew seconds between the silence and the crash my mindwould be clear o 6arah. Three wee-s passed and the ima!es were as clear and re=uent as at irst


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and there seemed no reason why they should e"er end, and be!an =uite seriously to thin- osuicide. e"en set a date, and sa"ed up my sleepin! pills with what was almost a sense o hope. needn/t ater all !o on li-e this indeinitely, told mysel. Then the date came and the play wenton and on and didn/t -ill mysel. t wasn/t cowardice it was a memory that stopped me #thememory o the loo- o disappointment on 6arah/s ace when came into the room ater the 7

had allen. 3adn/t she, at heart, hoped or my death, so that her new aair with would hurt herconscience less, or she had a -ind o elementary conscience4 -illed mysel now, shewouldn/t ha"e to worry about me at all, and surely ater our our years to!ether there would bemoments o worry e"en with . wasn/t !oin! to !i"e her that satisaction. had -nown a way would ha"e increased her worries to brea-in! point and my impotence an!ered me. 3ow hated her.

O course there is an end o hate as there is an end o lo"e. +ter six months realiedthat had not thou!ht o 6arah all one day and that had been happy. t couldn/t ha"e been =uitethe end o hate because at once went into a stationer/s to buy a picture postcard and write aubilant messa!e on it that mi!ht # who -nows4 # cause a momentary pain, but by the time hadwritten her address had lost the desire to hurt and dropped the card into the road. t was stran!e

that hate should ha"e been re"i"ed a!ain by that meetin! with 3enry. remember thin-in!, as opened Mr >ar-is/s next report, i only lo"e could re"i"e li-e that too.Mr >ar-is had done his wor- well the powder had wor-ed and the lat had been located #

the top lat in 12 Cedar oad the occupant, a Miss 6mythe and her brother, ichard. wonderedwhether Miss 6mythe was as con"enient a sister as 3enry was a husband, and all my latentsnobbery was aroused by the name # that y, the inal e. thou!ht, has she allen as low as a6mythe in Cedar oad4


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/ you assure me there/ll be nothin! unpleasant, sir,/ he said doubtully.T don/t want to call when Mrs Miles is there. This scene will ha"e a Hni"ersal certiicate.//'ut why the boy, sir4///ll say he/s eelin! ill. ar-is said sadly, loo-in! across at his boy as thou!hhe had betrayed him, / hadn/t heard./

&ext day # to spite his ather # !a"e the boy an ice in the 3i!h 6treet beore we went to Cedaroad. 3enry Miles was holdin! a coc-tail party # so Mr >ar-is had reported, and the coast wasclear. 3e handed the boy o"er to me, ater twitchin! his clothes strai!ht. The boy was wearin!his best thin!s in honour o his irst sta!e appearance with a client, while was wearin! myworst. 6ome o the strawberry ice ell rom his spoon and made a splash upon his suit. sat insilence till the last drop was drained. Then said, /+nother4/ 3e nodded. /6trawberry a!ain4/

3e said, /7anilla,/ and added a lon! while ater, />lease./3e ate the second ice with !reat deliberation, careully lic-in! the spoon as thou!h he

were remo"in! in!erprints. Then we went hand in hand across the Common to Cedar oad li-ea ather and son. 6arah and are both childless, thou!ht. ar-is4

ran! the bell on the top loor o Cedar oad. said to the boy, /emember. (ou/reeelin! ill./

/ they !i"e me an ice.../ he be!an >ar-is had trained him to be prepared./They won/t./ assumed it was Miss 6mythe who opened the door #a middle#a!ed woman with the !rey

tired hair o charity#, baaars. said, /8oes Mr


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/8o let him come in and sit down,/ Miss 6mythe said./t/s "ery -ind o you./ wondered how oten 6arah had passed throu!h this door into the little cluttered hall.

3ere was in the home o . >resumably the brown sot hat on the hoo- belon!ed to him. Thein!ers o my successor # the in!ers that touched 6arah # daily turned the handle o this door

which opened now on the yellow lame o the !as#ire, pin-#shaded lamps burnin! throu!h thesnow#!rey aternoon, a waste o cretonne loose co"ers. /Can etch your little boy a !lass owater4/

/t/s "ery -ind o you./ remembered had said that beore./ Or some oran!e#s=uash.//(ou mustn/t bother.//Oran!e#s=uash,/ the boy said irmly a!ain the lon! pause and /please/ as she went

throu!h the door. &ow we were alone loo-ed at him he really did loo- ill, crouchin! bac- onthe cretonne. he had not win-ed at me, would ha"e wondered whether perhaps... Miss6mythe returned, carryin! the oran!e#s=uash, and said, /6ay than- you, +rthur./

/s his name +rthur4/

/+rthur 0ames,/ said./t/s =uite an old#ashioned name.//


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taint o "ul!arity, and thou!ht sadly and without satisaction, wish she had better taste. Thenhe came throu!h into the li!ht o the lamps. The !ross li"id spots which co"ered his let chee-were almost li-e mar-s o distinction # had mali!ned him, he could ha"e no satisaction inloo-in! at himsel in any !lass.

Miss 6mythe said, /My brother ichard. Mr 'rid!es. Mr 'rid!es/s little boy is not eelin!

well. as-ed them in./3e shoo- hands with his eye on the boy noticed the dryness and heat o his hands. 3esaid, //"e seen your boy beore./

/On the Common4//>erhaps./3e was too powerul or the room he didn/t !o with the cretonne. 8id his sister sit here,

while they, in another room... or did they send her out on errands while they made lo"e4


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t seemed to me that had shoc-ed him he mi!ht be a &onconormist minister Miss6mythe had said he wor-ed on 6undays, but how horribly biarre that a man li-e that should be6arah/s lo"er. 6uddenly it diminished her importance her lo"e aair became a o-e she herselmi!ht be used as a comic anecdote at my next dinner party. For a moment was ree o her. Theboy said, / eel sic-. Can ha"e some more oran!eade4/

Miss 6mythe said, /My dear, thin- you/d better not.//eally must be ta-in! him away. t/s been "ery !ood o you./ tried to -eep the spotswell in "iew. said, //m "ery sorry i oended you at all. t was =uite by accident. don/thappen to share your reli!ious belies./

3e loo-ed at me with surprise. /'ut ha"e none. belie"e in nothin!.// thou!ht you obected...// hate the trappin!s that are let o"er. For!i"e me. !o too ar, Mr 'rid!es, -now, but

/m sometimes araid that people will be reminded e"en by con"entional words #!ood#bye orinstance. only could belie"e that my !randson would not e"en -now what a word li-e !odhad meant to us any more than a word in 6wahili./

/3a"e you a !randson4/

3e said !loomily, / ha"e no children. en"y you your boy. t/s a !reat duty and a !reatresponsibility,//


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/&ot today. must really ta-e the boy home./+!ain he made that !esture o rustrated tenderness, li-e a lo"er who has been reected.

wondered suddenly rom how many death#beds he had been excluded. ound wanted to !i"ehim some messa!e o hope too, but then the chee- turned and saw only the arro!ant actor/sace. preerred him when he was pitiable, inade=uate, out o date. +yer, ussell # they were the

ashion today, but doubted whether there were many lo!ical positi"ists in his library. 3e onlyhad the crusaders, not the detached.+t the door # noticed that he didn/t use that dan!erous term !ood#bye # shot directly at

his handsome chee-, /(ou should meet a riend o mine, Mrs Miles. 6he/s interested.../ and then stopped. The shot had !one home. The spots seemed to lush a deeper red and heard Miss6mythe say, /Oh, my dear,/ as he turned abruptly away. There was no doubt that had !i"en himpain, but the pain was mine as well as his. 3ow wished my shot had !one astray.

n the !utter outside >ar-is/s boy was sic-. let him "omit, standin! there wonderin!, hashe lost her too4 s there no end to this4 3a"e now !ot to disco"er (4

J

>ar-is said, /t really was "ery easy, sir. There was such a crush, and Mrs Miles thou!ht was oneo his riends rom the Ministry, and Mr Miles thou!ht was one o ;her; riends./

/eople in"ent their little codes, but you soon see throu!h them, sir. Or they lea"e out thin!s, butyou soon learn what they lea"e out./


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ha"e troubled her peace4 said to >ar-is, //m !lad to ha"e this, "ery !lad. (ou -now, reallythin- we can close our account now./

/ hope you eel satisied, sir.//Buite satisied.//+nd that you/ll so write to Mr 6a"a!e, sir. 3e !ets the bad reports rom clients, but the

!ood ones ne"er !et written. The more a client/s satisied, the more he wants to or!et: to put usri!ht out o mind. (ou can hardly blame them.///ll write.//+nd than- you, sir, or bein! -ind to the boy. 3e was a bit upset, but -now how it is #

it/s diicult to draw the line o"er ices with a boy li-e $ance. 3e !ets them out o you with hardlya word said./ lon!ed to read, but >ar-is lin!ered. >erhaps he didn/t really trust me to rememberhim and wanted to impress more irmly on my memory those han!#do! eyes, that penuriousmoustache. //"e enoyed our association, sir # i one can tal- o enoyin! under the sadcircumstances. ar-is and his words wo-e my sense o!uilt. couldn/t hurry the man away. 3e said, //"e been thin-in!, sir, /d li-e to !i"e you a littlememento # but then that/s ust what you wouldn/t want to recei"e./ 3ow stran!e it is to be li-ed. tautomatically awa-ens a certain loyalty. 6o lied to >ar-is, //"e always enoyed our tal-s./

/


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/ ash#trays could spea-, sir.//ndeed, yes./'ut e"en >ar-is with that proound thou!ht had inished up his words. + last pressure o

the hand, a little stic-y @perhaps it had been in contact with $ance/sA, and he was !one. 3e wasnot one o those whom one expects to see a!ain. Then opened 6arah/s ournal. thou!ht irst

would loo- or that day in 0une 19 when e"erythin! ended, and ater had disco"ered thereason or that there were many other dates rom which could learn exactly, chec-in! them withmy diary, how it was that her lo"e had petered out. wanted to treat this as a document in a case #one o >ar-is/s cases # should be treated, but hadn/t that de!ree o calmness, or what oundwhen opened the ournal was not what was expectin!. 3ate and suspicion and en"y had dri"enme so ar away that read her words li-e a declaration o lo"e rom a stran!er. had expectedplenty o e"idence a!ainst her # hadn/t so oten cau!ht her out in lies4 # and now here in writin!that could belie"e, as couldn/t belie"e her "oice, was the complete answer. For it was the lastcouple o pa!es read irst, and read them a!ain at the end to ma-e sure. t/s a stran!e thin! todisco"er and to belie"e that you are lo"ed, when you -now that there is nothin! in you oranybody but a parent or a God to lo"e.

'OO) T3**

1

... anythin! let, when we/d inished, but (ou. For either o us. mi!ht ha"e ta-en a lietimespendin! a little lo"e at a time, e-in! it out here and there, on this man and that. 'ut e"en theirst time, in the hotel near >addin!ton, we spent all we had. (ou were there, teachin! us tos=uander, li-e you tau!ht the rich man, so that one day we mi!ht ha"e nothin! let except thislo"e o (ou. 'ut (ou are too !ood to me.


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corrupt human lo"e. 8ear God, you -now want to want (our pain, but don/t want it now. Ta-eit away or a while and !i"e it me another time.

;+ter that started the boo- rom the be!innin!. 6he hadn/t entered the ournal e"eryday, and had no wish to read e"ery entry. The theatres she had been to with 3enry, therestaurants, the parties # all that lie o which -new nothin! had still the power to hurt.;

E

;1E 0une 19.;

6ometimes !et so tired o tryin! to con"ince him that lo"e him and shall lo"e him or

e"er. 3e pounces on my words li-e a barrister and twists them. -now he is araid o that desertwhich would be around him i our lo"e were to end, but he can/t realie that eel exactly thesame. eople who belie"e that don/t need admiration,they don/t need to sleep with a man, they eel sae. 'ut can/t in"ent a belie.

+ll today Maurice has been sweet to me. 3e tells me oten that he has ne"er lo"edanother woman so much. 3e thin-s that by sayin! it oten, he will ma-e me belie"e it. 'ut belie"e it simply because lo"e him in exactly the same way. stopped lo"in! him, wouldcease to belie"e in his lo"e. lo"ed God, then would belie"e in 3is lo"e or me. t/s notenou!h to need it


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unhappiness. t/s as i we were wor-in! to!ether on the same statue, cuttin! it out o each other/smisery. 'ut don/t e"en -now the desi!n.

;1 0une 19.;

(esterday went home with him and we did the usual thin!s. ha"en/t the ner"e to putthem down, but /d li-e to, because now when /m writin! it/s already tomorrow and /m araid o!ettin! to the end o yesterday. +s lon! as !o on writin!, yesterday is today and we are stillto!ether.

. andthe Communist >arty, and the man who ust tells o-es, and there was a man attac-in!Christianity. The ationalist 6ociety o 6outh $ondon or some name li-e that. 3e would ha"ebeen !ood#loo-in! i it hadn/t been or the spots which co"ered one chee-. There were "ery ewpeople in his audience and no hec-lers. 3e was attac-in! somethin! dead already, and wondered why he too- the trouble. stayed and listened or a ew minutes he was ar!uin!a!ainst the ar!uments or a God. hadn/t really -nown there were any # except this cowardly

need eel o not bein! alone. had a sudden ear that 3enry mi!ht ha"e chan!ed his mind and sent a tele!ram to saythat he would be home. ne"er -now what ear most # my disappointment or Maurice/sdisappointment. t wor-s the same way with both o us we pic- =uarrels. am an!ry with myseland he is an!ry with me. went home and there was no tele!ram, and was ten minutes late inmeetin! Maurice and be!an to be an!ry so as to meet his an!er and then unexpectedly he wassweet to me.


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church and a public#house run bac-wards down the line the desert is ull o churches and public#houses. +nd multiple stores, and men on bicycles, and !rass and cows, and actory chimneys.(ou see them throu!h the sand li-e ish throu!h the water in a tan-. +nd 3enry waits too in thetan-, raisin! his mule or my -iss.

roceedin!s

o the oyal Commission. Cau!ht taxi at >addin!ton and dropped 3enry at the Ministry. Madehim promise to be home toni!ht. Taxi#man made mista-e and dro"e me to the south side, past


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&umber 1. 8oor mended and ront windows boarded. t is horrible eelin! dead. One wants toeel ali"e a!ain in any way. lease orward/. wanted to open it and see i were ali"e still, but tore it up with thecatalo!ues.

?

;1 0uly 19.;

thou!ht, shall not be brea-in! my promise i accidentally on the Common run into

Maurice, and so went out ater brea-ast and a!ain ater lunch and a!ain in the early e"enin!,wal-in! about and ne"er seein! him. couldn/t stay out ater six because 3enry had !uests ordinner. The spea-ers were there a!ain as they were in 0une, and the man with the spots was stillattac-in! Christianity and nobody was carin!. thou!ht, i only he could con"ince me that youdon/t ha"e to -eep a promise to someone you don/t belie"e in, that miracles don/t happen, and went and listened to him or a while, but all the time was loo-in! round in case Maurice mi!htcome in si!ht. 3e tal-ed about the date o the Gospels and how the earliest one wasn/t writtenwithin a hundred years o Christ bein! born. had ne"er realied they were as early as that, but couldn/t see that it mattered much when the le!end be!an. +nd then he told us that Christ ne"erclaimed to be God in the Gospels, but was there such a man as Christ at all and what do theGospels matter anyway, compared with this pain o waitin! around and not seein! Maurice4 +woman with !rey hair distributed little cards on which his name was printed, ichard 6mythe,and his address in Cedar oad, and there was an in"itation to anybody to come and tal- to him inpri"ate. 6ome people reused to ta-e the cards and wal-ed away as thou!h the woman wasas-in! or a subscription and others dropped them on the !rass @ saw her pic- some up, oreconomy/s sa-e supposeA. t seemed "ery sad # the horrible spots, and tal-in! about somethin!nobody was interested in, and the cards dropped were li-e oers o riendship turned down. putthe card in my poc-et and hoped he saw me do it.

6ir


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in hand and the subect in hand at that moment was the cost#o#li"in! index or 19?. wasna-ed, wanted to say, because Maurice and had been ma-in! lo"e all the e"enin!.

loo-ed at 3enry/s chie. 3e was a man called 8unstan. 3e had a bro-en nose and hisbattered ace loo-ed li-e a potter/s error # a reected#or#export ace. +ll he would do, thou!ht,was smile he wouldn/t be cross or indierent #he would accept it as somethin! that human

bein!s did. had a sense that had only to ma-e a mo"e and he would reply to it. wondered,why shouldn/t 4


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ran! o. +t irst was happy, and then was miserable a!ain. didn/t -now where hewas. eter 0ones and bou!ht new lamp or 3enry/s study. + prim lunch surroundedby other women. &ot a man anywhere. t was li-e bein! part o a re!iment. +lmost a sense opeace. +terwards went to a news cinema in >iccadilly and saw ruins in &ormandy and thearri"al o an +merican politician. &othin! to do till se"en when 3enry would be bac-. 3ad a


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couple o drin-s by mysel. t was a mista-e. 3a"e !ot to !i"e up drin-in! too4 eliminatee"erythin!, how will exist4 was somebody who lo"ed Maurice and went with men andenoyed my drin-s.


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/Ministry o normation4/ as-ed, tryin! to be interested./&o, no, wouldn/t ta-e it. t/s ull o temporary ci"il ser"ants. 3ow would you li-e the

3ome Oice4//+nythin!, 3enry, that pleased you,/ said. Then the oyal Family came out on the

balcony and the crowd san! "ery decorously. They weren/t leaders li-e 3itler, 6talin, Churchill,

oose"elt they were ust a amily who hadn/t done any harm to anybody. wanted Mauricebeside me. wanted to be!in a!ain. wanted to be one o a amily too./7ery mo"in!, isn/t it,/ 3enry said. /


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/Thin- o the thousands o people all o"er the world prayin! now, and their prayers aren/tanswered./

/There were thousands o people dyin! in >alestine when $aarus...//


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3e said shyly, / you could spare the time, we could really start at the be!innin! and !oto the root o thin!s. mean, the philosophical ar!uments and the historical e"idence./

suppose must ha"e made some e"asi"e reply or he went on, /t/s really important. ar- oad to sit down or a while. 3enry was at home and didn/t want to see him. try to

remember to be -ind at brea-ast, -ind at lunch when he/s home, -ind at dinner, and sometimes or!et and he/s -ind bac-. Two people bein! -ind to each other or a lietime.


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ichard/s ri!ht, thou!ht, we ha"e in"ented the resurrection o the body because we doneed our own bodies, and immediately admitted that he was ri!ht and that this was a airy#talewe tell each other or comort, no lon!er elt any hate o those statues. They were li-e badcoloured pictures in 3ans +ndersen they were li-e bad poetry, but somebody had needed towrite them, somebody who wasn/t so proud that he hid them rather than expose his oolishness.

wal-ed up the church, loo-in! at them one ater the other in ront o the worst o all # don/t-now who she was##a middle#a!ed man was prayin!. 3e had put his bowler hat beside him andin the bowler hat, wrapped in newspaper, were some stic-s o celery.

+nd o course on the altar there was a body too # such a amiliar body, more amiliar thanMaurice/s, that it had ne"er struc- me beore as a body with all the parts o a body, e"en the partsthe loin#cloth concealed. remembered one in a 6panish church had "isited with 3enry, wherethe blood ran down in scarlet paint rom the eyes and the hands. t had sic-ened me. 3enrywanted me to admire the twelth#century pillars, but was sic- and wanted to !et out into theopen air. thou!ht, these people lo"e cruelty. + "apour couldn/t shoc- you with blood and cries.


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wal-ed out o the church in a lamin! ra!e, and in deiance o 3enry and all the reasonable andthe detached did what had seen people do in 6panish churches dipped my in!er in the so#called holy water and made a -ind o cross on my orehead.

2

;1 0anuary 192.; couldn/t stand the house toni!ht, so wal-ed out into the rain. remembered the time

when had stuc- my nails into my palms, and didn/t -now it but (ou mo"ed in the pain. said,/$et him be ali"e,/ not belie"in! in (ou, and my disbelie made no dierence to (ou. (ou too- itinto (our lo"e and accepted it li-e an oerin!, and toni!ht the rain soa-ed throu!h my coat and

my clothes and into my s-in, and shi"ered with the cold, and it was or the irst time as thou!h nearly lo"ed (ou. wal-ed under (our windows in the rain and wanted to wait under them allni!ht only to show that ater all mi!ht learn to lo"e and wasn/t araid o the desert any lon!erbecause (ou were there. came bac- into the house and there was Maurice with 3enry. t wasthe second time (ou had !i"en him bac- the irst time had hated (ou or it and (ou/d ta-en myhate li-e (ou/d ta-en my disbelie into (our lo"e, -eepin! them to show me later, so that wecould both lau!h # as ha"e sometimes lau!hed at Maurice, sayin!, /8o you remember howstupid we were...4/

;1J 0anuary 192.; was ha"in! lunch with Maurice or the irst time or two years # had telephoned and

as-ed him to meet me #and my bus !ot held up in the traic at 6toc-well and was ten minuteslate. elt the ear or a moment always elt in the old days, that somethin! would happen tospoil the day, that he would be an!ry with me. 'ut had no desire to !et in irst now with myan!er. $i-e a lot o other thin!s the capacity or an!er seems dead in me. wanted to see him andas- him about 3enry. 3enry/s been odd lately. t was stran!e o him to !o out and drin- in a pubwith Maurice. 3enry only drin-s at home or at his club. thou!ht he mi!ht ha"e tal-ed toMaurice. 6tran!e i he/s worried about me. There/s ne"er been less cause or worry since wemarried irst. 'ut when was with Maurice there didn/t seem any other reason to be with himexcept to be with him. ound out nothin! about 3enry. *"ery now and then he tried to hurt meand he succeeded because he was really hurtin! himsel, and can/t bear to watch him hurtin!himsel.


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3a"e bro-en that old promise, lunchin! with Maurice4 + year a!o would ha"e thou!htso, but don/t thin- so now. was "ery literal in those days because was araid, because didn/t-now what it was all about, because had no trust in lo"e. ortrait Gallery, but it was

students/ day # there were too many people, so went bac- to Maiden $ane and into the churchthat/s always too dar- to loo- at your nei!hbour. sat there. t was =uite empty except or me andor a little man who came in and prayed =uietly in a pew behind. remembered the irst time had been in one o those Churches and how had hated it. didn/t pray. had prayed once toooten. said to God, as mi!ht ha"e said to my ather, i could e"er ha"e remembered ha"in!one, 8ear God, /m tired.

;? February 192.;Today saw Maurice but he didn/t see me. 3e was on his way to the >onteract +rms, and

trailed behind him. had spent an hour in Cedar oad # a lon! dra!!in! hour tryin! to ollowpoor ichard/s ar!uments and only !ettin! rom them a sense o in"erted belie. Could anyone beso serious, so ar!umentati"e about a le!end4 onteract +rms. -new which bar he/d !o to, what he/d order. 6hould !o in ater him, wondered, and order mine and see him turn and e"erythin! would start o"er a!ain4 Themornin!s would be ull o hope because could telephone him as soon as 3enry let, and therewould be e"enin!s to loo- orward to when 3enry warned me that he would be home late. +ndperhaps now would lea"e 3enry. /d done my best. had no money to brin! Maurice and hisboo-s brou!ht in little more than enou!h to -eep himsel, but on typin! alone, with me to help,we should sa"e ity pounds a year. don/t ear po"erty. 6ometimes it/s easier to cut your coat toit the cloth than lie on the bed you/"e made.

stood at the door and watched him !o up to the bar. he turns round and sees me, toldGod, /ll !o in, but he didn/t turn round. be!an to wal- home, but couldn/t -eep him out o mymind. For nearly two years we had been stran!ers. hadn/t -nown what he was doin! at anyparticular hour o the day, but now he was a stran!er no lon!er because -new as in the old dayswhere he was. 3e would ha"e one more beer and then he would !o bac- to the amiliar room towrite. The habits o his day were still the same and lo"ed them as one lo"es an old coat. eltprotected by his habits. ne"er want stran!eness.

+nd thou!ht, how happy can ma-e him and how easily. lon!ed a!ain to see himlau!h with happiness. 3enry was out. 3e had had a lunch en!a!ement ater the oice, and hehad telephoned to say that he wouldn/t be in till se"en. would wait till hal past six and then would telephone Maurice. would say, am comin! or toni!ht and all the other ni!hts. /m tiredo bein! without you. would pac- the lar!e blue suitcase and the small brown one. would ta-eenou!h clothes or a month/s holiday. 3enry was ci"ilied and by the end o a month the le!al


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aspects would ha"e been settled, the immediate bitterness would be o"er, and anythin! else needed rom the house could be etched at leisure. There wouldn/t be much bitterness it wasn/tas thou!h we were still lo"ers. Marria!e had become riendship, and the riendship ater a littlecould !o on the same as beore.

6uddenly elt ree and happy. /m not !oin! to worry about you any more, said to God

as wal-ed across the Common, whether you exist or whether you don/t exist, whether you !a"eMaurice a second chance or whether ima!ined e"erythin!. >erhaps this is the second chance as-ed or him. /m !oin! to ma-e him happy, that/s my second "ow, God, and stop me i you can,stop me i you can.

went upstairs to my room and be!an to write to 3enry. 8arlin! 3enry, wrote, but thatsounded hypocritical. 8earest was a lie, and so it had to be li-e an ac=uaintance, /8ear 3enry./6o, /8ear 3enry,/ wrote, //m araid this will be rather a shoc- to you, but or the last i"e years/"e been in lo"e with Maurice 'endrix. For two years nearly we ha"en/t seen each other orwritten but it doesn/t wor-. can/t li"e happily without him, so /"e !one away. -now ha"en/tbeen much o a wie or a lon! time, and ha"en/t been a mistress at all since 0une 19, soe"erybody/s the worse o air round. thou!ht once could ust ha"e this lo"e aair and it would

peter slowly and contentedly out, but it hasn/t wor-ed that way. lo"e Maurice more than did in19?9. /"e been childish, suppose, but now realie that sooner or later one has to choose or onema-es a mess in all directions. Good#bye. God bless you./ crossed out /God bless you/ "erydeeply so that it couldn/t be read. t sounded smu!, and anyway 3enry doesn/t belie"e in God.Then wanted to put $o"e, but the word sounded unsuitable althou!h -new it was true. dolo"e 3enry in my shabby way.

put the letter in an en"elope and mar-ed it 7ery >ersonal. thou!ht that would warn3enry not to open it in anybody/s presence # or he mi!ht brin! home a riend, and didn/t wanthis pride hurt. pulled out the suitcase and be!an to pac- and then suddenly thou!ht, where did put the letter4 ound it at once, but then thou!ht, suppose in my hurry or!et to put it in thehall and 3enry waits and waits or me to come home. 6o carried it downstairs to put it in thehall. My pac-in! was nearly done # only an e"enin! dress to old, and 3enry wasn/t due oranother hal an hour.

had ust put the letter on the hall table on top o the aternoon/s post when heard a -eyin the door. snatched it up a!ain, don/t -now why, and then 3enry came in. 3e loo-ed ill andharassed. 3e said, /Oh, you/re here4/ and wal-ed strai!ht by me and into his study. waited amoment and then ollowed. thou!ht, /ll ha"e to !i"e him the letter now it/s !oin! to needmore coura!e.


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terrible ner"ous headaches because nothin! was !oin! ri!ht. or!ot or a moment that wouldonly ;pretend; to be cured that way. 3e put up his own hand and pressed mine harder a!ainst hisorehead. / lo"e you,/ he said. /8o you -now that4/

/(es,/ said. could ha"e hated him or sayin! it it was li-e a claim. you really lo"edme, thou!ht, you/d beha"e li-e any other inured husband. (ou/d !et an!ry and your an!er

would set me ree./ can/t do without you,/ he said. Oh yes, you can, wanted to protest. t will beincon"enient, but you can. (ou chan!ed your newspaper once and you soon !ot used to it. Theseare words, con"entional words o a con"entional husband, and they don/t mean anythin! at allthen loo-ed up at his ace in the mirror and he was cryin! still.

/3enry,/ said, /what/s wron!4//&othin!. told you.// don/t belie"e you. 3as somethin! happened at the oice4/3e said with unamiliar bitterness, /


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$et me thin- o those awul spots on ichard/s chee-. $et me see 3enry/s ace with thetears allin!. $et me or!et me. 8ear God, /"e tried to lo"e and /"e made such a hash o it. could lo"e you, /d -now how to lo"e them. belie"e the le!end. belie"e you were born. belie"e you died or us. belie"e you are God. Teach me to lo"e. don/t mind my pain. t/s theirpain can/t stand. $et my pain !o on and on, but stop theirs. 8ear God, i only you could come

down rom your Cross or a while and let me !et up there instead. could suer li-e you, could heal li-e you.; February 192.;3enry too- a day o wor-. don/t -now why. 3e !a"e me lunch and we went to the

&ational Gallery and we had an early dinner and went to the theatre. 3e was li-e a parentcomin! down to the school and ta-in! the child out. 'ut he/s the child.

;5 February 192.;3enry/s plannin! a holiday abroad or us in the sprin!. 3e can/t ma-e up his mind

between the chateaux o the $oire or Germany where he could ma-e a report on the morale othe Germans under bombin!. ne"er want the sprin! to come. There !o a!ain. want. don/twant. could lo"e (ou, could lo"e 3enry. God was made man. 3e was 3enry with his

asti!matism, ichard with his spots, not only Maurice. could lo"e a leper/s sores, couldn/t lo"e the borin!ness o 3enry4 'ut /d turn rom the leper i he were here, suppose, as shutmysel away rom 3enry. want the dramatic always. ima!ine /m ready or the pain o yournails, and can/t stand twenty#our hours o maps and Michelin !uides. 8ear God, /m no use./m still the same bitch and a-e. Clear me out o the way.

;2 February 192.;Today had a terrible scene with ichard. 3e was tellin! me o the contradictions in the

Christian churches, and was tryin! to listen, but wasn/t succeedin! "ery well, and he noticedit. 3e said to me suddenly, /


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3e loo-ed at his beautiul hands # he had those let. 3e said "ery slowly, / don/t carewhat you belie"e. (ou can belie"e the whole silly ba! o tric-s or all care. lo"e you, 6arah./

//m sorry,/ said./ lo"e you more than hate all that. had children by you, /d let you per"ert them.//(ou shouldn/t say that./

//m not a rich man. t/s the only bribe can oer, !i"in! up my aith.///m in lo"e with somebody else, ichard.//(ou can/t lo"e him much i you eel bound by that silly "ow./ said drearily, //"e done my best to brea- it, but it didn/t wor-.//8o you thin- me a ool4//addin!ton, wespent all we had. (ou were there, teachin! us to s=uander, li-e you tau!ht the rich man, so thatone day we mi!ht ha"e nothin! let except this lo"e o (ou. 'ut (ou are too !ood to me.


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was still happy because when reached the top o the staircase we were !oin! to ma-e lo"e. called to him that was comin!, but it wasn/t Maurice/s "oice that answered: it was a stran!er/sthat boomed li-e a o!horn warnin! lost ships, and scared me. thou!ht, he/s let his lat and !oneaway and don/t -now where he is, and !oin! down the stairs a!ain the water rose beyond mywaist and the hall was thic- with mist.

Then wo-e up. /m not at peace any more. ust want him li-e used to in the old days. want to be eatin! sandwiches with him. want to be drin-in! with him in a bar. /m tired and don/t want any more pain. want Maurice. want ordinary corrupt human lo"e. 8ear God, you-now want to want (our pain, but don/t want it now. Ta-e it away or a while and !i"e it meanother time.

'OO) FOH

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couldn/t read any more. O"er and o"er a!ain had s-ipped when a passa!e hurt me too much. had wanted to disco"er about 8unstan, thou!h hadn/t wanted to disco"er that much, but now had read on, it slipped ar bac- in time, li-e a dull date in history. t wasn/t o present importance.The entry was let with was an entry only one wee- old. / want Maurice. want ordinarycorrupt human lo"e./

t/s all can !i"e you, thou!ht. don/t -now about any other -ind o lo"e, but i youthin- /"e s=uandered all o that you/re wron!. There/s enou!h let or our two li"es, and thou!ht o that day when she had pac-ed her suitcase and sat wor-in! here, not -nowin! thathappiness was so close. was !lad that hadn/t -nown and was !lad that -new. could actnow. 8unstan didn/t matter. The air#raid warden didn/t matter. went to the telephone and dialledher number.

The maid answered. said, /This is Mr 'endrix. want to spea- to Mrs Miles./ 6he toldme to hold on. elt breathless as thou!h were at the end o a lon! race as waited or 6arah/s"oice, but the "oice that came was the maid/s tellin! me that Mrs Miles was out. don/t -nowwhy didn/t belie"e her. waited i"e minutes and then with my hand-erchie stretched ti!hto"er the mouthpiece ran! a!ain.

/s Mr Miles in4//&o, sir.//Could spea- to Mrs Miles then4 This is 6ir


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/&o, please no. $isten, Maurice. /m in bed. /m spea-in! rom there now.//+ll the better.//8on/t be a ool, Maurice. mean /m ill.//Then you/ll ha"e to see me.


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tra"el up and down till midni!ht. Hp the stairs a!ain, and across the road where the trams run.One earth had been stopped, but another had ob"iously come to mind. was triumphant. 6he wasaraid, but she wasn/t araid o me, she was araid o hersel and what was !oin! to happen whenwe met. elt had won the !ame already, and could aord to eel a certain pity or my "ictim. wanted to say to her, 8on/t worry, there/s nothin! to ear, we/ll both be happy soon, the

ni!htmare/s nearly o"er.+nd then lost her. had been too conident and had allowed her too bi! a start. 6he hadcrossed the road twenty yards ahead o me @ was delayed a!ain by my bad le! comin! up thestairsA, a tram ran between, and she was !one. 6he mi!ht ha"e turned let down the 3i!h 6treetor !one strai!ht ahead down >ar- oad, but couldn/t see her. wasn/t "ery worried # i didn/tind her today, would the next. &ow -new the whole absurd story o the "ow, now wascertain o her lo"e, was assured o her. two people lo"ed, they slept to!ether: it was amathematical ormula, tested and pro"ed by human experience.

There was an +. '. C. in the 3i!h 6treet and tried that. 6he wasn/t there. Then remembered the church at the corner o >ar- oad, and -new at once that she had !one there. ollowed, and sure enou!h there she was sittin! in one o the side aisles close to a pillar and a

hideous statue o the "ir!in. 6he wasn/t prayin!. 6he was ust sittin! there with her eyes closed. only saw her by the li!ht o the candles beore the statue, or the whole place was "ery dar-. satdown behind her li-e Mr >ar-is and waited. could ha"e waited years now that -new the end othe story. was cold and wet and "ery happy. could e"en loo- with charity towards the altar andthe i!ure dan!lin! there. 6he lo"es us both, thou!ht, but i there is to be a conlict between anima!e and a man, -now who will win. could put my hand on her thi!h or my mouth on herbreast he was imprisoned behind the altar and couldn/t mo"e to plead ;his; cause.

6uddenly she be!an to cou!h with her hand pressed to her side. -new she was in painand couldn/t lea"e her alone in pain. came and sat beside her and put my hand on her -neewhile she cou!hed. thou!ht, only one had a touch that could heal.


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ace the lawyers aterwards. addin!ton hotel. /Me too/ or loneliness, !ries, disappointments, pleasures

and despairs, the claim to share e"erythin!./Money/s !oin! to be short,/ said, /but not too short. /"e been commissioned to do a $ieo General Gordon and the ad"ance is enou!h to -eep us or three months comortably. 'y thattime can hand in the no"el and !et an ad"ance on that. 'oth boo-s will be out this year, andthey should -eep us till another/s ready. can wor-, with you there. (ou -now, any moment now/m !oin! to come throu!h. /ll be a "ul!ar success yet, and you/ll hate it and /ll hate it, but we/llbuy thin!s and be extra"a!ant and it will be un, because we/ll be to!ether./

6uddenly realied she was asleep. *xhausted by her li!ht she had allen asleep a!ainstmy shoulder as so many times, in taxis, in buses, on a par-#seat. sat still and let her be. Therewas nothin! to disturb her in the dar- church. The candles napped around the "ir!in, and therewas nobody else there. The slowly !rowin! pain in my upper arm where her wei!ht lay was the

!reatest pleasure had e"er -nown.Children are supposed to be inluenced by what you whisper to them in sleep, and be!an to whisper to 6arah, not loud enou!h to wa-e her, hopin! that the words would drophypnotically into her unconscious mind. / lo"e you, 6arah,/ whispered. /&obody has e"er lo"edyou as much beore.


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/Maurice, dear Maurice,/ she said, / ha"en/t !ot the stren!th./ 6he be!an to cry, thrustin!her ists into her eyes as a child does.

//m sorry,/ she said. /0ust !o away. >lease, Maurice, ha"e a bit o mercy./One !ets to the end o bad!erin! and contri"in! couldn/t !o on with that appeal in my

ears. -issed her on the tou!h and -notty hair, and comin! away ound her lips, smud!y and

salt, on the corner o my mouth. /God bless you,/ she said, and thou!ht, That/s what she crossedout in her letter to 3enry. One says !ood#bye to another/s !ood#bye unless one is 6mythe and itwas an in"oluntary act when repeated her blessin! bac- to her, but turnin! as let the churchand seein! her huddled there at the ed!e o the candle#li!ht, li-e a be!!ar come in or warmth, could ima!ine a God blessin! her or a God lo"in! her. erhaps the publisher hal hoped that my cynical treatment o Gordon/s Christianity wouldcause a ;succNs de scandale;. had no intention o pleasin! him this God was also 6arah/s God,and was !oin! to throw no stones at any phantom she belie"ed she lo"ed. hadn/t durin! thatperiod any hatred o her God, or hadn/t in the end pro"ed stron!er4

One day as ate my sandwiches, on to which my indelible pencil somehow always !ottranserred, a amiliar "oice !reeted me rom the des- opposite in a tone hushed out o respector our ellow wor-ers. / hope all !oes well now, sir, i you/ll or!i"e the personal intrusion./

loo-ed o"er the bac- o my des- at the unor!ettable moustache. /7ery well, >ar-is,than- you. 3a"e an illicit sandwich4/

/Oh no, sir, couldn/t possibly... /


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/Come now. ma!ine it/s on expenses./ eluctantly he too- one and openin! it upremar-ed with a -ind o horror, as thou!h he had accepted a coin and ound it !old, /t/s realham./

/My publisher sent me a tin rom +merica.//t/s too !ood o you, sir./

/ still ha"e your ash#tray, >ar-is,/ whispered, because my nei!hbour had loo-ed an!rilyup at me./t/s o sentimental "alue only,/ he whispered bac-. /3ow/s your boy4//+ little bilious, sir.///m surprised to ind you here.


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'OO) F7*

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stayed the ni!ht with 3enry. t was the irst time had slept in 3enry/s house. They had onlyone !uest#room and 6arah was there @she had mo"ed into it a wee- beore so as not to disturb3enry with her cou!hA, so slept on the soa in the drawin!#room where we had made lo"e. didn/t want to stay the ni!ht, but he be!!ed me to.

ar-is to trac- down the stran!er had certainly won in the end. &o, thou!ht, don/t hate 3enry. hate (ou i you exist. remembered what she/d said to ichard 6mythe, that had tau!ht her to belie"e. couldn/t or the lie o me tell how, but to thin- o what had thrownaway made me hate mysel too. 3enry said, /6he died at our this mornin!. wasn/t there. Thenurse didn/t call me in time./

/


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/ suppose the doctor helped.//3e/s awully rushed this winter. 3e ran! up an underta-er. wouldn/t ha"e -nown where

to !o. ar-is ater her to interrupt their eternity.

/(ou are =uite certain4//Buite certain, 3enry./ thou!ht, /"e !ot to be careul. mustn/t be li-e ichard 6mythe,

mustn/t hate, or i were really to hate would belie"e, and i were to belie"e, what a triumphor (ou and her. This is to play act, tal-in! about re"en!e and ealousy it/s ust somethin! to illthe brain with, so that can or!et the absoluteness o her death. + wee- a!o had only to say toher /8o you remember that irst time to!ether and how hadn/t !ot a shillin! or the meter4/, andthe scene would be there or both o us. &ow it was there or me only. 6he had lost all ourmemories or e"er, and it was as thou!h by dyin! she had robbed me o part o mysel. waslosin! my indi"iduality. t was the irst sta!e o my own death, the memories droppin! o li-e!an!rened limbs.

/ hate all this uss o prayers and !ra"e#di!!ers, but i 6arah wanted it, /d try to !et itarran!ed./

/6he chose her weddin! in a re!istry oice,/ said, /she wouldn/t want her uneral to

greene-end of the affair

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