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T icKETS AvA i lABlE THRU coSMoPol i TAnlASvEGAS .coM - ALL AGEs

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About town

on A wide stretch of pavement at the Las Vegas Motor Speed-way, 93 teenagers take turns driving rental cars like they stole them. They slap pedals to the foor, whip steering wheels, slam on brakes and spin out on wet asphalt. The only dif-ference between this and a high school parking lot after a football game was the crowd of smiling parents. I was one of them, as my daughters tore up the track six years ago.Its late April, and were

amid the engine roar, youthful energy and parental anxiety of the Drivers Edge program. For young drivers, its a four-hour crash course in avoiding crashes. Its free, thanks to a tankful of largesse that includes a Nevada Offce of Traffc Safety grant, help with rooms from the Plaza Hotel and donation of space by the Las Vegas Motor Speedway.Jeff Payne, who founded the

program in Las Vegas in 2002, runs four Drivers Edge week-ends a year here; he also takes the show on the road to eight other cities across the U.S., from San Francisco to Washington, D.C. More than 100,000 drivers and would-be drivers have participated nationwide.For my daughters, the best

part of Drivers Edge may have been that I was relegated to the cheering section. My younger daughter, Naomi, is now 21, and when I asked what it was like having me as her driving instruc-tor, she replied, Oh my God. It was really stressful, be-cause you freaked out all the time. Wed come to a stoplight and youd

be like, Stop, Stop, Stop! And Im like, I am stopping, it takes a second to stop!For Naomi, obviously,

Drivers Edge was a welcome respite from Dad. And, uh, Naomi: It was a welcome re-spite for Dad, too.

As Daphne Skordas, 16, waits to try the skid exercise at Drivers Edge, she glances at her dad, Rob. Hes been her driving teacher up to this point. It was stressful, she says, I would think I was doing something right, and then he would tell me it wasnt. Rob, meanwhile, doesnt mind passing the keys over to the Edge. In just the frst couple of hours, he says, Ive already learned several things I didnt know.The Drivers Edge staff is

made up of motor-sport competitors and instructors. This isnt your mom or dad teach-ing you, Payne says. I get parents who say, I dont want my kids being taught how to drive by a race car driver. Thats the stupid-est thing Ive ever heard. On a scale of 1 to 10, most of you parents think you are driving at 9

or 10. Cmon, Mario Andretti, Dale Earnhardt Jr., Jeff Gordon and you? At best, youre a 4 or 5.Daphne and I are matched

with Dominic Cicero, who won his frst national competition at 16, went on to drive Formula 1 and now uses his skills as a Hol-lywood stunt driver. Steely-eyed and dark haired, Cicero chats as he whips through the course. Keep your eyes on where you want to go, he says. Let off the throttle. Use your Jackie Chan hands. Dont touch the brake.Daphne manages three runs

with little truncated fshtails and keeps the car headed in the right direction. I was pretty calm until we got to the starting line, she says. Then I could feel my heart rate go up. But after I went through it, I calmed down.

I, on the other hand, end up with the ass-end of the car where the nose should have been. My Jackie Chan hands fail to materialize, and I hit the brakes at least once. A 16-year-old girl has destroyed me.It was definitely good to

feel that loss of control, Daphne muses.Yeah, totally.Thats one thing Drivers

Edge did really well, my eldest daughter, Fiona, tells me. You feel losing control of the car and how terrifying that is.So maybe I should have

pushed the envelope a little more. Except, as Daphne proved, I cant even keep a car going in the right direction.Its best to leave the training

to the guys with race car driver skills and naturally dark hair.

Its Not Your Fathers Drivers Ed CourseBy Kurt Rice

Drivers Edge instructor Bryan Germone (1997 NASCAR Southwest Tour champion) high-fives a student on the Skid Exercise.

PedAL to tHe MetAL

Drivers Edge is free and returns to Las Vegas in the fall,

dates pending, and may add a weekend in June. Sessions usually fll up

within 10 minutes after registration opens, so sign up for the course-

notifcation list at DriversEdge.org.

VICTOR TREVINO JR.

2012 LAS VEGAS ELVIS WINNER

2 0 1 3

Binions California the D Four Queens Fremont Golden Gate Golden Nugget Main Street Station

Preliminary CompetitionFriday, May 10 8pm - Midnight 1st Street Stage

Final CompetitionSaturday, May 11 8pm - Midnight 1st Street Stage

The legend of Elvis is alive and well during the

4th Annual Ultimate Elvis Tribute Artist Contest

at Fremont Street Experience. Join us for two

days of live performances, special presentations

on the Viva Vision screen and parades of Elvi.

Elvis long-time girlfriend Linda Thompson and

personal bodyguard Sam Thompson will be

among those judging which Elvis tribute artist will

advance to the semi nals during Elvis Week 2013

in Memphis. GET READY TO ROCK N ROLL.

DOWNTOWN VEGAS

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The moTher of all holidaysEvery Mothers Day, I run into the same problem: I

know there will be deals, but many of them arent

announced until the Thursday or Friday before,

which means I dont have the information in time

to get it into this space. Thats OKI can still

throw out some ideas using the info I do have.

Of course, special meals will be available

everywhere this weekend, including at the buffets,

where most will add a special Mothers Day touch

to their brunches. One traditional play is Hugos

Cellar at the Four Queens, where Mom will get

a rose to go along with the usual solid fare you

find there. Looking for a good non-casino dining

option? Try Vintner Grill or Honey Salt on the west

side of town, or Todds Unique Dining on the east.

Also, an interesting add-on deal is being offered at

Flemings Prime Steakhouse & Wine Bar, where a

three-course brunch for $36.95 comes with a $25

dining card for Mom thats valid on a future visit.

Want to pick her up some jewelry? Get over to

Silverton, which offers a charm bracelet when

you earn 1,000 players club points on Wednes-

day or Thursday (good all month). Thats $1,000

coin-in, which is about 90 minutes of quarter

video-poker play.

Another gambling-related deal will be offered

at Eldorado and Jokers Wild in Henderson, where

four queens in video poker will pay a 100-coin

bonus. Its not a huge premium, but its a no-

brainer that boosts your overall return by about 0.4

percent. Other casinos are also likely to have this

traditional video-poker bonus for four queens.

If you want to make an evening of it, N9NE

Steakhouse at the Palms is offering a three-course

meal for $75 per person, and it comes with a ticket

to see The Great Gatsby at Brenden Theatres. Or

you can head over to Madame Tussauds, where

moms get free entry with the purchase of another

adult or childrens ticket.

Or perhaps youd like to combine a Mothers

and Fathers Day gift by sending your folks to The

Resort on Mount Charleston? A room-and-brunch

getaway there starts at $115.

Then theres the best deal of all this year: Moms

eat free at the Flame Steakhouse at El Cortez

when accompanied by another paying diner. The

Flame is one of Las Vegas iconic value-gourmet

houses, where you can get quality steaks and

seafood at old-time prices.

And speaking of old-time prices, if you want to

get really creative, take Mom to the Golden Gate

on Friday between 2 and 5 p.m., where in honor

of National Shrimp Day, the great GG shrimp

cocktail will set you back exactly two quarters.

Happy Mothers Day to mine, as well as to all

of yours.

Anthony Curtis is the publisher of the Las Vegas

Advisor and LasVegasAdvisor.com, a monthly

newsletter and website dedicated to finding the

best deals in town.

The gambling urge is pretty much universal and just about timeless. But the ways people gamblethose change quite a bit. For a while, faro was the Game That Won the West, surpassing all others in popular-ity. Then, fueled by the return of servicemen whod played it during World War II, craps had its day, followed by the ascendance of blackjack after players learned they could beat the dealer.But with limited foor space,

games that no longer draw dont last. This is nowhere more apparent than in looking at the fate of Carib-bean Stud Poker in Nevada. Once nearly ubiquitous, its now nearly gone from the states casinos.Caribbean Stud Poker is known in

the industry as a proprietary table game. Some games, like roulette and blackjack, have rules that are in the public domain; any casino can offer them, as long as they get regu-latory approval. Proprietary games, on the other hand, are developed by a creator who patents his or her work. The creator then sells the game to casinos, which pay a per-table rental fee ranging from $30 to $2,500 per month; more proftable tables command higher rents.Its diffcult to chart Caribbean

Stud Pokers origins. Theres some dispute about who created it, and where. According to Gaming Control Board documents, it was frst approved for use in the states casinos on April 1, 1992. By the early 1990s a company named Progres-sive Gaming was offering the game throughout the country. Since then, through a series of mergers, Carib-bean Stud has become the prop-ertylike many other proprietary gamesof SHFL Entertainment. Because of a quirk in the games le-

gal history, though, it is distributed in Nevada by Canadian gaming tech company DEQ Systems. The game grew rapidly in the 90s.

Players crowded the tables, drawn to the novelty of a poker-like game they could play against the dealer. By mid-decade, it had 150 units across the state.But 1995 was the peak. The next

year, there were only 137 tables statewide, and the decline contin-ued from there. By 2005, there were 43 games; three years later, there were less than two dozen, and in 2010, only eight. In January 2012, the Gaming Revenue Report listed six Caribbean Stud tables in three locations. Then, in February, one of those locations removed the game, and, in accordance with Control Board policy, Caribbean Stud got bumped into the other category.The game had a good run, SHFL

chief product offcer Roger Snow says. Hes as qualifed an expert as there is, having created sev-eral proprietary games, including Ultimate Texas Hold em, Four Card Poker, Dragon Bonus and Crazy 4 Poker. Caribbean Stud was the frst prominent proprietary table game, he says, the frst one to pass the 20-year barrier. I imagine, with just about anything, there is a life cycle for games like this. And Caribbean Stud is without question on the tail end of that life cycle, at least in the United States.

But not all games fade. There is, of course, the enduring popularity of the Big Four (blackjack, roulette and craps, plus surging baccarat). Proprietary games have less history, but they have the potential to be just as durable. At last count, there were still 96 Let It Ride tables in Nevada, less than half its 1990s peak, but still respectable. Another SHFL-owned proprietary game, 3-Card Poker, is currently the king of the proprietar-ies, with 262 tables statewide. Those games durability is by design.In 2004-05, we saw the steady ero-

sion of Caribbean Stud, Snow says. Its previous owners did very little to keep the game fresh, and we vowed not to do the same with Let It Ride. So we added a free side bet. That one little move reinvigorated the game.Proprietary games are potentially

lucrative, and they are always jockey-ing for space on casino foors, which explains both the never-ending stream of new games (and litigation over patents) and the abundance of offerings. The Gaming Commis-sions list of approved gamesmost of which are proprietary variants of the Big Fouris 22 pages long. Odds are, you dont see most of those in casinos. A game is considered suc-cessful, Snow says, when it generates $500,000 or more in annual revenue for its owner. By his count, only about 20 successful table games have de-buted in the past two decades.But at the tables, theres always

hope. In March, the Gaming Com-mission approved Repeater Bets, a craps variant. Its the latest new game whose makers would love a run like Caribbean Stud Pokers. But certainly not the last.

David G. Schwartz is the director of UNLVs Center for Gaming Studies.

One Games Wild Ride

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Jung KimExecutive VIP Marketing Host for Angel Management GroupPhotograph by Zackery Williams

My style is a cross between street wear and classy, like my fashion icons Kanye West and Marc Jacobs.

My dream girl wears Jordans and Air Force Ones, basically a jeans-and-sneakers gal. Most ladies here try to be too sexysometimes you gotta lay back.

I came here from Seoul, South Korea, to study hotel management and because of Real World: Las Vegas. The city was so dynamic, and the beautiful view from the Palms in-spired me to work there. My brother and I lived out of a car in the Circus Circus RV Park when we arrived, and, after a few months, I eventually got hired to work for the Palms. Now, Im at Hakkasan.

Las Vegas is my dream city! Jessi C. Acua

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Paddle Down

the River MildLaid-back kayaking in centraL arizona

By Phil hagen

If death-defying isnt your speed, youll be happy to know that this adventure starts with a rubber Ducky Kayak and potentially ends at a bar. And potentially has nothing to do with the Verde Rivers ferocityjust the fact that you have a choice of where your journey ends.Sedona Adventure Tours of-

fers an assortment of low-main-tenance packages that includes Paddle to Pints (you wind up at a pub in Cottonwood), Water to Wine (the destination is the Alcantara Vineyards & Win-ery, also in Cottonwood) and Saddle to Paddle (ride horses at Rimrock, then raft). The wife and I wanted to build our own day (including the nearby Out of Africa Wildlife Park), so we opted for the basic three-hour guided tour.Especially given that we had

our 9-year-old in tow, it was a good call. The guide, who grew up in the area, was the perfect combination of knowledgeable, affable and imperturbable. He provided the narrative as if we were in a slideshow, pointing out birds, trees and ancient Indian cliff dwellings that our urban eyes might have other-wise missed. And he patiently gave us tips for navigating the periodic rapids and low-hang-ing branches along the river.True, there is a spot called

Butterfy Bend, but all is not embarrassingly easygoing along the Verde. There are enough challenges for the infatable kayaks (especially if youre in a tandem Ducky with a wee one) during the 5-mile trip to make you feel like youve earned that beer or wine. For us low-thrills adventurers, thats all that counts.

$88 per adult, $77 per child (in-cludes ground transportation), 45 W. Hollamon St., Camp Verde, 877-673-3661. Visit SedonaAdventure-Tours.com to see other packages and prices.

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phyxiation. We rode through it, but were lucky enough to sneak inside of a back engine to keep from suffocating. Delirium can kill you just as easily as anything else. In the midday summer heat, after well over 30 sleepless hours, I somehow managed to convince myself that if I jumped off the train, I would surviveand that if I died, it would be the greatest way to go. Luckily, I stayed put.

Train riding is synonymous

with patience. Waiting for the right train can take an entire day, depending on the city. You have to stay hidden. Rail workers are historically tolerant of riders as long as they dont catch them vandalizing the cars or putting themselves in a position where they have to call the cops. Its a fun little game of Look the Other Way. The rail police (a.k.a. The Bull), on the other hand, are to be avoided at all costs. The punishments can vary, but youre more than likely to end up in jail if youre caught. A friend was pinned with an Interstate Terrorism charge a year after 9/11. Simply put, rid-ing freight trains is illegal, and men and women are employed to stop people from doing it. However, its one thing to dis-cover America through the open

door of a boxcar; its another thing to do it under the nose of the law. To me, nothing is more American than disregarding laws that prohibit people from living a free and healthy life. Some spend millions on therapy, liquor and medication. Others take vacations to overpriced resorts or party in nightclubs. We ride freight trains.

Ive spent a lot of time traveling and seen some amazing foreign

countries, but those experi-encesexpensive and crowded, trampling common ground and breathing the same shared airdidnt change me the way my rail adventures have.

I was fortunate enough never to have the need to return to school, and my days of having a boss ended that day in the gro-cery store. Today, nothing brings me more joy than calling my father from a train to check in. He knows damn well what Im doing is illegal and carries some serious consequences. I dont have to remind him of what he told me on my 18th birthday. He remembers. But he raised me on camping and hiking, and both of us understand the necessity of freedom, fresh air and adven-ture. No law can dictate that we live our lives without them.

Scenes from McPhersons rail adventures (clockwise from top left): photo of a bridge over the Co-lumbia River in Oregon, taken from atop the moving train; heading into a tunnel 500 miles outside Las Vegas; boarding a train bound for Salt Lake; and a boxcar portrait of the author.

Weve Watched riders jump out of boxcars and break arms. We have hidden While friends stood frozen in the crosshairs of railWay police pistols.

nightlife

parties

See more photos from this gallery at SpyOnVegas.com

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Wet republic MGM Grand

[ Upcoming ]

May 11 Calvin Harris spins

May 18 Aokify Splash Vegas

May 27 Deadmau5 Unhooked

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[ Upcoming ]

May 10 Summer Camp Fridays

May 11 Nectar Saturdays with Destructo & Friends

May 13 Relax Mondays

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May 9 Benny Black spins

May 11 Alie Layus and Seanny Mac spin

May 12 Kid Conrad spins

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A&E

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BAR 702 gets Rescued, loses old nAmeMark your TV-watching calendar: On July 7,

BAR 702 (3355 Spring Mountain Rd.)the local

live-music venue formerly known as the Sand

Dollar Loungewill appear on Spike reality

series Bar Rescue. The show involves industry

experts observing a struggling bar in action,

then offering strategies and overhauls.

Eight months ago, then-Sand Dollar co-owner

Lisa Guerena submitted an application online.

Out of 250 Vegas bars, hers made the final cut

after a series of interviews, casting calls and

meet-and-greets with producers.

Im a little nervous about how theyll portray

us, Guerena says. But were excited to be

handed a new bar with national exposure.

Everything on the inside is newcarpet, tables

and chairs, glassware, food and drink menus and,

more importantly for this column, the sound sys-

tem. Indeed, the season premiere, which wrapped

in February, spotlights local blues acts Dr. Harpo &

2 the Moon and John Earls Boogieman Band.

The only uneasy moment for Guerena was taking

down the brand-new Sand Dollar sign and replac-

ing it with the shows mandated BAR 702 signage.

I didnt choose to change the name to piss any-

one off, Guerena says. I busted my butt to get that

name back, but were going to be aired on a nation-

al television show with more than 3 million viewers

for the season premiere, and 1 million viewers per

rerun. We cant afford to lose that shot.

For more info on BAR 702, call 485-5401 or

visit BAR702LasVegas.com.

Cool shows this week? The retro-thrash

revival is still gaining momentum courtesy of

Canadas Cauldron. The Toronto power trios

80s-influenced sound is tons of fun, especially

on the bands most recent disc, last years

Tomorrows Lost. Speed-racing songs such as

Nitebreaker are the purest distillation of shred-

guitar solos, screechy yet melodic singing and

partying-off-the-rails drumming. Cauldron boils

over at 9 p.m. May 9 at Cheyenne Saloon.

Gruesomely masked nu-metallers Mushroom-

head sprout up at Bunkhouse Saloon at 8 p.m.

May 11. This Cleveland-born crew seems to be a

favorite of people who repeatedly view the Saw

film franchise on Blu-Ray, but dont hold that

against the band. Its most recent album is 2010s

Beautiful Stories for Ugly Children, which has

some kick-ass tunes on it. Also on the bill: IDSFA,

Years Echo, False Cause, Vile Child, Someday

Broken, Lydia Cant Breathe, Ionia and Corvus.

Finally, heres something you really cant

afford to miss: Dutch crust-punk band Radio

Bikini cranks up the Dive Bar (formerly known as

Favorites) at 9 p.m. May 16. So if youre curious to

see how Holland dishes up hardcore, heres your

chance. Joining this rare import will be L.A. street-

punkers Hiding Inside Victims. Bring earplugs.

Your Vegas band releasing a CD soon? Email

Jarret_Keene@Yahoo.com.

Heidi guinn, A guitarist for Vegas-based indie band Dusty Sunshine, arranges this gang of colorful, handmade clay fridge magnets on the coffee table. A bowl of spaghet-ti with a fork, a bright sunfower with leaves, a green cowboy boot with a tiny spur, and most with the bands name in little rolled clay let-ters. Far from truck-stop trinkets, these were unique works of art. It takes me about fve hours to make each one of these and Ive never seen any other band do anything like them, she says, beaming. They go for $5 each, and they always sell out. Add in the cost of materials and Guinn is at it for less than a buck an hour. The magnets embody the groups

exuberant, endearingly loony do-it-yourself ethos, but that ethos has pushed the now all-woman en-semble (bassist Jason Aragon left in April, due to time constraints, and will be replaced by Aly Unna) from formation in 2010 to a band with two CDs, a well-received South-western U.S. tour and a steadily growing Vegas fan base.Their sound is clearly infuenced

by a broad spectrum of Western music, but defning the product is no easy task. Guinn says they started off, very briefy, doing doo-wop stuff, but then we quickly fell into our current sound. Their in-

strumentation comes straight from the villages of Celtic Appalachia: mandolin, violin, guitar, autoharp, but their complex, strong harmo-nies, each of the fve carrying differ-ent parts, bring the clear ring of a Southern gospel revival tent, albeit with lyrics inspired by everything from the darkness of Sylvia Plath to their own struggles with faith.Coming up with the basic

structure of a song is fairly easy, violinist Megan Wingerter says. It gets tough when were putting to-gether five different vocal parts. But the result is richly layered and has the added benefit of needing little or no artificial amplifica-tion or production. If we had to apply a genre, I guess wed go with Americana, says keys player Chani Riiell Leavitt.Having scored an invita-

tion to play at NXNE 2013, a weeklong mega-festival in Toronto, they realized it was an opportunity to get some publicity, not only for themselves but also for Las Vegas music scene. They also realized that getting there was prohibi-tively expensive.We thought about doing

a Kickstarter campaign, guitarist Sommer Soll says. But Kickstarter is starting

to lose some of its appeal. Plus, youre almost guaranteed to piss off a friend or relative if you push too hard.Instead, they came up with some-

thing akin to a small-town carni-val that will not only raise travel money, but also showcase other local bands in a unique way. There will be a kissing booth, barbecue, face-painting, bands playing, a huge raffeit will be crazy! Guinn says. Were even having a date auction. Wingerter and Leavitt, who are offering themselves up for the auc-tion, clarify: We get to pick where the date will happen. There are so few bands [that] have

made it out of Vegas, Soll says. Vegas is in sort of a blind spot. Its all about getting the word outnot only to out-of-towners, but also to those in our

own city.Dusty Sunshine will be

touring as they go, which will help keep them topped off with gas and burgers all the way to To-ronto. But what happens after they get back? Obviously wed love to

make it big, Wingerter says. Regardless, we still love what we are doing. We have enough songs to put out another CD, and well keep on playing as long as it works.

The Sunshine Also RisesAll-woman Vegas band is generating some heat on the music scene.

Can it propel them all the way to Canada?

By Kurt Rice

Dusty Sunshine: Courtney Carroll, Heidi Guinn, Megan Marie Wingerter, Chani Riiell Leavitt and Summer Soll.

tHe dusty sunsHine Benefit sHow And

cARnivAl

with a Crowd of Small Adventures,

Red Eye Radio and 2 Tenderoni

at Beauty Bar, 8 p.m. May 11,

517 Fremont St., TheBeautyBar.

com.

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i sTarTed Thinking about moms in American pop culture, ironically, while watching an episode of Girls. Specifcally, it was the scene in which two of the series (platonic, female) twenty-something protagonists bond by way of a shared bath. My frst thought was, I have never casually bathed with a friend while discussing my relationship problems. My second was, I would literally pay someone if they could guarantee me a bath that no one else would try to climb into. You see, I have a tod-dler. He is there when I bathe. He is there when I pee. He is always there, like another limb that just happens to lurch around inde-pendently of the rest of my body. And he has changed everything.The twenty-something

characters on Girls, for those unable or unwilling to watch the current It show, are gloriously, maddeningly self-involved. They fret over outfts, they dish about guys, they have kinky, acrobatic sex in all manner of shabby-chi-chi New York apartments. They also get naked in front of each other in many nonsexual situa-tions, as if to prove that nudity can reach a saturation point at which it ceases to matter.I have mixed feelings about

the show overall, but I will say that I think it is perfectly named. And I have a hunch that Lena Dunham chose Girls precisely because it sounds so youthful and frivolous. They are pointedly not women. And they are defnitely not moms.

Im a 32-year-old mother who drinks (a lot of) wine, has (oc-casional, lets not get crazy here) sex, and (sometimes) wears low-rise jeans. I also sometimes choose sensible shoes, let my eyebrows get scraggly and gripe at my husband for letting the dishes pile up. Im reasonably happy, but I screw up a lot. Im self-involved, but I cant afford to be that way all of the time anymore, because I devote so much of myself to someone much needier than I am.I feel like Im pretty repre-

sentational of my mom friends, a group largely composed of ambitious, creative, funny and fawed upper-middle-class women. And yet I dont see us represented anywhere on TV or

in movies. The fctional charac-ter who comes closest to realism is probably Alyson Hannigans Lily on How I Met Your Mother, but I disqualifed her when, seem-ingly days after giving birth, her character started showing up at the bar again to hang with her friends every night. Sorry, but in real-life moms dont get to do that. Instead, they drink alone while watching How I Met Your Mother. Which would probably be too meta, as far as storylines go. But I digress.Moms dont get a lot of choices

when it comes to cultural repre-sentation. Yes, women of many ages, colors and sizes show up on screens both big and small dragging all manner of petulant progeny in tow, but in a world with thousands of differ-ent candy bars at every truck stop and literally hundreds of unique brands of toilet paper, when it comes to the defnition of mothers in our culture we seem only able to come up with two favors: martyr and MILF. Both categories seem specif-cally designed to strip women, regardless of their abdominal ftness levels or career choices, of any real power or integrity. The good news, of course, is that either type will probably get to star in a yogurt commercial. So weve got options.

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The majority of todays pop culture moms fall under the weather-beaten umbrella of the long-suffering martyr, an ol battle ax of a stereotype whos attractive enough but not overly sexualized (count on her wardrobe to consist almost ex-clusively of cowl-neck sweaters), and whose primary employment is that of a professional buzzkill, endlessly nagging/mocking her infantilized husband. In com-edies, the martyr is generally manic and wisecracking (think Julie Bowen in Modern Family), or dry and unfappable (see also Phylicia Rashad on The Cosby Show); just glance to the left of any Judd Apatow leading man and you will fnd her. In dramas, she is prone to looking tired un-der harsh lighting (Melissa Leo in The Fighter), or belting out har-rowing show tunes in close-up (Anne Hathaway, Les Misrables).Subspecies of the martyr

genus include Saint Moma kinder, less ironic version of the standard prototype whose roots can be traced back to June Cleaver and Donna Reed, and who tends to show up in mod-

ern times in Nancy Meyers mov-ies (hint: The sight of her pris-tine eat-in kitchen makes you want to kill yourself)and Single Mom, who is generally the most bitter of them all, unless shes so desperate to bond with her child(ren) that she attempts to become the elusive Best Friend Mom, typifed by that relic of the early aughts, Lorelai Gilmore. Perhaps the most beloved (and committed) martyr of them all, however, is Dead Mom, whose tragic passing paves the way for comedy dads to have hilarious diaper misadventures, and for dramatic dads to have sensitive, candlelit sex with models. And then in the other box

we have ... the MILF. The MILF would make a joke about the fact that I just called her a box, since box is slang for vagina, and the frst rule of being a MILF is that no one can ever forget that you have one, or that you frequently use it for things other than shooting out babies. Whereas the martyr is all about suffering and denial, the MILF lives for celebra-tion and instant gratifcation.In her purest formStifers

mom from American Pie, Jane Seymours pearl-clutching nympho in Wedding Crashers, every single Real Housewife on Bravothe MILF puts her own needs before those of her kids, generally prioritizing sex above things like eating and sleeping. The purebred MILF is cartoonish and vulgar. She dresses as im-modestly as possible at all times, preferably in leopard print, and does things like eat bananas in slow-motion. She likes to inap-propriately touch her teenage daughters boyfriends and get drunk at lunch. If the MILF were a man, he would likely end up on To Catch a Predator. It is possible to be a hybrid of martyr and MILFLeslie Manns career would not exist if this were not the casebut to embody both at once is a hollow victory. It tells meand, worse, the legions of Girls out therethat the benchmark of achievement in a womans postpartum identity is simply to bridge the Madonna-whore gap. Surely theres more to it than

that. I know there is; Im living it. But I dont think well be see-ing Moms on TV anytime soon, not even on the riskier cable channels. Because somewhere in between the shrews and the vamps there are a million three-dimensional women who just want to take their goddamn bath alone. And who wants to watch that?

Girls ... With ChildrenOnce you pop out a kid, its hard to ft into pop culture

By Una LaMarche

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[by tribune media services]short reviews

A little too much and a little not enough, director and co-writer Shane Blacks Iron Man 3 none-theless has everything Disney and Marvel need to keep the Avengers superhero constella-tion shining and regenerating well into the 23rd century. Heres where we are with

Tony Stark, played by Robert Downey Jr., who the flms back-ground materials remind us is the biggest star on the planet by measurement of franchise as-sociation (the Sherlock Holmes movies and the Iron Man/Aveng-ers universe). The climactic alien melee in last years The Avengers has left Stark nerve-racked and an insomniac workaholic. A new global terrorist, very much in the bin Laden mold, has oozed onto the scene: The Man-darin, from the comic books. As portrayed by Ben Kingsley with a strange, Laurence Olivier-in-The-Betsy dialect, youre not quite sure where hes coming from, either geographically or ideologically, which is the point.Meantime, fre-breathing

mutants are wreaking havoc, at one point taking down Grau-mans Chinese Theatre. The

Mandarin goes about his busi-ness, destroying Starks home, slaughtering civilians in the name of teaching America a les-son. Stark ends up in Tennessee, where in a gleefully cynical bid for a preteen audience, Stark befriends a bullied 8-year-old (Ty Simpkins) who becomes his tag-along and sometime savior.A strange detail: In Iron Man

3, Stark no longer needs to be in the Iron Man suit. Hes able to operate the thing remotely when needed. The movies like that, too. Its decent superhero blockbustering, but rather re-mote and vaguely second-hand. At this point, even with Blacks fashes of black humor, the ma-chinery is more or less taking care of itself, offering roughly half of the genial wit and enjoy-ment of the frst Iron Man.Blacks not especially lucid or

creative in staging massive ac-tion sequences; even the major set piece, in which Stark at-tempts the midair rescue of Air Force One passengers, is a me-dium wow at best. On the other hand, when the truth behind The Mandarin arrives, its a wild reveal and very much in tune

with Blacks sense of self-refer-ential showbiz humor, which he twisted into an interesting pretzel in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.From the Lethal Weapon

franchise to The Last Boy Scout, Black loves jocular sadism, and theres a lot of it (too much) in Iron Man 3. When Stark goes on a killing spree, its as if weve been dropped back into Mel Gibson/Danny Glover-land. For all the trauma Starks supposed to be

shouldering, Downey rarely seems less than superhumanly cool. Hes a huge talent, verbally adroit and quick on his feet, even when the feet are encased in digital metal. But one of the things I resisted about the sec-ond Iron Man, the parts where Stark became a badly behaved, trashed-out party boy, has cooled into a kind of imperious remove in Iron Man 3.No less than Kiss Kiss Bang

Bang, which placed a detec-tive story inside the world of Hollywood wannabes, Iron Man 3 treats Stark and Downey as untouchable superstars, just gliding through. Its not without its payoffs; I enjoyed a lot of it. But overall, last years Avengers delivered the bombas-tic goods more effciently than this years Marvel.

Iron Man 3 (PG-13)

The Big Wedding (R) This ensemble wedding comedy is enjoyable

for its actors and little else. Don (Robert De

Niro) is living with a caterer (Susan Saran-

don) and was previously married to Ellie

(Diane Keaton). Their adopted son, Alejandro

(Ben Barnes), has two siblings (Katherine

Heigl, Topher Grace). A big wedding ensues

that brings about all sorts of slapstick

interactions, pretending and the like. The

actors here are pros and deliver some small

moments, but all in all, its meh.

Jurassic Park 3-D (PG-13) This Spielberg classic is back, with its

lunging raptors and roaring T. rexes now in

3-D. The result is great, since the film has

always been so much more powerful on the

big screen than on TV. When tycoon John

Hammond (Richard Attenborough) cre-

ates an isolated theme park where he has

back-engineered dinosaurs to life, a group

of visiting scientists gets caught running for

their lives when the attractions escape their

cages. It really is a fun movie, and the dinos

were made for 3-D.

Pain & Gain (R) Michael Bay never ceases to amaze. This

groaner follows Danny Lugo (Mark Wahlberg),

bodybuilder and gym manager. Lugo and

his hapless colleagues (Dwayne Johnson,

Anthony Mackie) target a Colombian gym

client (Tony Shalhoub) for kidnapping and

extortion. Hes tortured, then crushed by a

vehicle and left for dead. But he doesnt die.

Others do, later, but not him. Bay is largely

terrible as a filmmaker, and comedy is not in

his wheelhouse.

Oblivion (PG-13) In the latest Tom Cruise star vehicle, Jack

Harper is a Mr. Fix-It in the year 2077, living

and working high above whats left of Earth

after a devastating war with invading aliens.

Most of the population has been relocated to

a Saturn moon, except for the scavs led by

Morgan Freeman. Jack knows somethings

up when his boss, Sally (Melissa Leo), orders

him to stay away from a crash-landing site.

Of course he goes and rescues the lone

survivor who just happens to be the woman

from his dreams. No really. Its interesting,

but very slow.

Franchise oF ironIron Man 3 doesnt match previous eforts

but ofers enough fun to keep the series alive

By Michael PhillipsTribune Media Services

Robert Downey Jr. and Gwyneth Paltrow iron out their relationship in the series third installment.

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42 (PG-13) This carefully tended portrait of Jackie

Robinson, the man who broke Major League

Baseballs color barrier, settles for too little.

Jackie Robinson (Chadwick Boseman)

endures long odds and societal racism to

join the Brooklyn Dodgers. Harrison Ford

is fun as the general manager who brought

him up, Branch Rickey. The film treads too

carefully, a primer, a story that protects

and enshrines Robinson. It feels like a

production watched very carefully by his

survivors. Boseman is highly capable, but

the filmmakers failed to ask much of him.

Evil Dead (R) This remake of Sam Raimis 1983 cult

classic offers plenty of reasons to jump and

turn away. Mia (Jane Levy) has quit drugs,

and her withdrawal confuses her senses.

Her brother and her friends have brought

her to the cabin in the woods to cure her.

But is she seeing visions of demonic pos-

session, or is this simply the cold turkey

playing tricks on her mind? Theres a

demon that jumps from human to human,

and more splashing of bodily fluids than

one knows what to do with. All in all, its

OK, and likely a franchise ... again.

The Place Beyond the Pines (R)

Luke (Ryan Gosling) is a motorcycle stunt

performer with a carnival. Coming through

small-town New York, he learns he has fa-

thered a son with a waitress (Eva Mendes).

He turns to bank robbery while trying to es-

tablish a relationship with his son. Then, the

story switches to the police officer (Bradley

Cooper) who is plagued by becoming known

as the hero who pursued the moto-bandit.

Its a fine film with really solid actors playing

well-written, authentic characters.

G.I. Joe: Retaliation (PG-13)

The action is nonstop. But do we really

want our action to never end? Like, ever?

The plot concerns the murder of the Paki-

stani president, stolen nukes, a frame-up

job by COBRA disgracing the Joes. The

Joes fight back. Spoiler alert: They win.

Sure, theres Channing Tatum as Duke,

Dwayne Johnson as Roadblock and even

ole Bruce Willis as the original Joe, but

the movie plays out like a video game, and

there should be a difference.

The Host (PG-13) This movie version of Stephenie Meyers

departure from the Twilight series is painful

to watch. Earth has been invaded by aliens

called Souls. Some Souls called Seekers

locate humans to serve as hosts for other

Souls. Saoirse Ronan plays Melanie, whose

body is sublet by a Soul named Wanderer.

Melanie and her Soul become frenemies,

and Melanie arm-twists her visitor to return

to Melanies cave-dwelling survivalist clan.

Then Wanderer falls in love with Ian (Jake

Abel). And then ... you get the picture. Its

agonizingly slow and just not very good.

Olympus Has Fallen (R) This movie is Die Hard in the White House,

where terrorists appear out of nowhere

to storm Washington, take over the White

House and seize the president (Aaron

Eckhart) and most of the cabinet. Their

only hope is ex-Secret Service agent Mike

Banning (Gerard Butler), the only man

who knows how to get into the fortified

presidential bunker where the hostages

are. Banning stabs, shoots and strangles

his way through legions of terrorists.

There are much better thrillers out there.

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What do you know about the last few episodes of Breaking Bad?I know nothing. I have a very,

very small part on that show. And Im a huge fan of it, so even when Im acting on it, I try to have my earmuffs on so I dont hear anything, because I am as emotionally invested in that show as anybody else is. Im not allowed to say either way [if Im in the last episodes], but I just heard the ending is insane. Thats all I heard.

Judging from your last ap-pearance on Conan OBriens show, where you said, I dont understand DJs. To me its just a guy playing his iPod with like a mouse head and everybodys losing their mind, is it safe to assume you wont be hitting the nightclubs after your show?That came out wrong. That

came out like I was saying the [DJ] wasnt talented. I was try-ing to make fun of myself, that I was old. When you do those

shows, its always kind of an out-of-body experience for the frst 15 seconds. Even if I understood [nightclub] music, Im way too old to be going out to that kind of stuff.

Does it seem like the model of comedians selling spe-cials directly to fans is here to stay?I dont know. I imagine the

businesspeople will try to insert themselves back into it. I love it, because whether I make

all my money back or not, Ive eliminated the middleman so nobody can steal from me. Ive seen more money from this special than I have from my other two combined. [Its] the Hollywood math: You see that Lord of the Rings lawsuit? Those three movies grossed $6 billion, and they said they still didnt earn a proft. Everybody had to sue to get paid. Somebodys getting a raise for doing that to people. They go, OK, it grossed $6 billion, and we spent $7 billion on billboards, so the way we fgure, you still owe us a billion dollars.

Recently youve kind of touched on that idea, about how nobody in the business can take stand-up away from youthe idea that stand-up represents freedom.Total freedom. No conference

calls, no notes, no anything. But if it fails, and you fall fat on your face, theres no one to pick you up. I like that. Im not really trashing this business. Its how all business is done. All business is, basically, if youre a new guy, you walk hat in hand with your idea or widget or whatever, and theyre immediately like, OK, we own your idea, and all monies will come to us, and well tell you what we made. That business model sets it up to where theres no possible way

for you to steal from them, but if they choose to, they can rob you blind.

Youre a guy who sometimes gets tagged with the come-dians comedian label. How do you feel about that?If its something other com-

ics actually say, its arguably the biggest honor you could ever get. I never hear it, but Ill take your word for it if its happening. There are a ton of guys who could get that labelguys way beyond my reach who Im trying to catch up to: Louis [C.K.], Brian Regan, Dave Chappelle, Dave Attell. I just have an advantage of being 21 years in and considered one of the newer guys.

As a Boston guy, what did you think in the aftermath of the Boston Marathon bombings when the New York Yankeesin a show of solidarityplayed Sweet Caroline during a game at Yankee Stadium?It was horrific. Horrific.

And them saying New York loves Boston. No you dont. You hate terrorism. Stop say-ing you love us. You dont love us, and we dont love you. We hate each other.

Sort of like after 9/11, when every Red Sox fan I knew had the attitude, I know what happened, but I still cant root for them. Was that you?The closest I came was I

remained neutral. I was living in New York, and [right after 9/11], Id be at the Comedy Cellar 15 to 20 blocks away, and [ground zero] was still on fre, and you could smell it. Ill never forget that smell. Even then, the closest I could get was, I remain neutral.As far as that Sweet Caro-

line thing [the Red Sox playing it at every home game], its one of the worst things in sportsright up there with the Tomahawk Chop. Aside from the fact that Native Americans countless times have said its offensive, even if you just leave that out, the lack of passion when you hear those people in the stands in Atlantahave you ever heard a tone-deaf family sing Happy Birthday at like a Cheesecake Factory? Not to mention no Indians ever did that [chop]. Its almost so offen-sive it stops becoming offensive because it makes the people who are doing it look dumb.

Bill BurrThe veteran stand-up on his role in Breaking Bad, being

a comedians comedian and the hate-hate relationship between

New York and Boston

By Jason Scavone

When Bill Burr came through the Pearl in 2011 on The Anti-Social Comedy Tour with Jim Breuer, Dave Attell and Jim Norton, he more than held his own in a stacked lineuphe was the best per-former on a night even when Attell was thoroughly in the zone.Two years later, Burr has beefed up his IMDB page with flm appearances in Stand Up Guys with Al

Pacino and Christopher Walken; the upcoming The Heat with Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy; and Walk of Shame with Elizabeth Banks. Not to mention his turn on the small screen as Kuby, one of the fxers in Saul Goodmans (Bob Odenkirk) employ in Breaking Bad.Burr, 44, has also joined the growing ranks of comedians such as Louis C.K., Aziz Ansari and Jim

Gaffgan who are selling their stand-up specials directly on their website; his most recentYou People Are All the Sameis available for download as well as on Netfix. Now the Massachusetts native joins the Aces of Comedy series at The Mirage, where hell be at the Terry Fator Theatre on May 17 and 18 (10 p.m., $40).

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