good bad ugly issue 2

GOODBAD

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FOOD ISSUEissue two

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Illustration by Emily Walliswww.emilywallis.com

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world-food-viewa short feature questioning the Britishness of a roast - plus a video!

The road to a man’s stomachhave you also fallen into the role of the ‘little lady’ without realising?

The Alternative Reviewswe couldn’t afford to review Michelin Starred restaurants this issue, so we filled tubes full of food and sat in them instead.

Good, Bad, Ugly Websiteswe’ve searched the web and found you good, bad and ugly websites

The Galleryphotography from Folkestone

My Beef: Telly Chefsa 500 word rant about celebrity chefs

Potentially True, Potentially Amazing Factsthey could be true, and we could be on the verge of uncovering a government conspiracy.

Creative Installationsrubbish homemade ‘art’ placed in interesting places.

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HelloHello, and welcome back to Good Bad Ugly: still probably the only free e-zine in the world that you can directly influence.

OK, so we established last issue that we’re another free magazine and we decided to launch Good Bad Ugly because we were bored of buying rubbish magazines for £4 each and that we thought we’d been robbed for long enough and it’s done out of our own pocket and so on, so we’re all up to date? Brilliant!

So yes, Good Bad Ugly has actually made it to issue number 2. I know, we’re shocked too! But a fair few people decided to read it last time so we thought we’d give it another go to see if it was a fluke or not.

In an effort to avoid the fluke status we’ve trotted around the country (well mainly just London and Kent) to bring you Good Bad Ugly: The Food Issue. In bring-ing you this issue we have eaten: 3 roasts, 1 portion of fish and chips, 1 superb Chi-nese, 2 God awful Chinese’s, a bag of Jazzies, 80 McDonalds chicken nuggets, 4 packets of Jammy Dodgers, 24 doughnuts, 1 of every new flavour of Walkers crisps (they are all nasty), 4 fry ups, 16 pieces of toast, 28 sandwiches, 1 fried Mars Bar, 2 Babybels, some pork scratching, 9 mince pies we found left over from Christmas and a big box of Quality Street.

Still fancy getting involved? Well just do it! Give us a shout and get involved, get reading, get telling us what you think and what you want to do.

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My mother, an opinionated lady to say the least, holds an especially adamant hatred in

her heart for British food. Having lived here for some years now I’ve grown rather fond of you guys and I try my best to defend your cuisine. But you don’t make it easy for me, do you? With your excessive deep-frying of everything, and insistence on putting kidney in pies; and who in their right mind would call chips between two slices of white bread a meal? Well, my grand defence came of course in the form of the Sunday Roast. As well as being a sociable event, it’s delicious, and for a people who have been called ‘the fattest and sickest in Europe’ not too unhealthy! My mother’s counterargument was immediate and fatal: she claims that there is nothing particularly English about the roast. And after some consideration, I have to agree.

HEAR ME OUT THOUGH! The tradition of having it on Sundays and the specific trimmings are certainly English customs as far as I know, but it is undeniable that people have roasts all over the world. We Scandinavians enjoy roast beef cold with sauce and perhaps some crisp fried onion, and I’m told that sauerkraut is the traditional stuffing of Albanian roast chicken, just to give some examples. I’m not saying that these are all essentially the same thing, but I hope we can agree that they incorporate the same concept.

Naturally this got me thinking of my own national pride, now forever linked with the Swedish Chef of The Muppet Show and of course Ikea; the humble Swedish meatball. We may be the only ones to serve them with lingonberry sauce and pickled gherkins, but there is a striking, and to my national identity devastating, resemblance with the Italian meatball, served in a tomato sauce, and the ‘kofta’ of the Middle East. This raises the question whether any dish truly, distinctly belongs to one nation or culture. If we are really looking for similarities, we can see common traits in Chi-nese ‘dim sum’ and Italian ‘ravioli’, Russian ‘pirog’ and Cornish pasties. These concepts seem to be global, if with a local twist.

There are processes of ‘making the global local’ and ‘making the local global’ in action all around us with regards to food, as il-lustrated by curries made less spicy to suit the British clientele and meatballs being served with chips (disgrace!) to ensure you get your usual intake of saturated fat. A particularly interesting effect of this process is that you’d struggle to find a pizzeria in Sweden that doesn’t serve pizza with steak and béarnaise sauce, pizza with curry sauce (with or without bananas) and pizza with kebab meat and garlic sauce topping. So there is variation after all, only maybe not in the way we traditionally like to see it.

by Charlotte Nordgren

world-food-view


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I used to cringe when my grandmother told me this. I am not going to go through any person’s stomach.

Disgusting. Not worth it. Little did I know, I’d find myself twenty years later, managing boiling potatoes, sizzling meatballs, whisking the sauce and a cake in the oven ...to get to a man’s heart.

It felt like yesterday, though it was more like two months ago, I did the occasional cooking for myself. Something healthy, some-thing easy- like salmon in the oven with a mountain of different vegetables, drizzle some lemon and olive oil, done. Or just one of my weird omelettes that slightly takes the form of scrambled eggs with carrots, onion, basil, garlic and a salad. I love cooking for myself and I enjoy experimenting. For the most part, it is all a joyous experience.

But BOOM!!! The music stops. Somehow, this once happy place turns into something confusing. In a similar fashion as when “What’s for dinner?” pops out of his mouth. In some strange way, unknown to me, I have managed to slip into this kind of 50’s housewife role, cooking old fashioned MAN food. Meat,

potatoes, sauce. Butter, cream, salt. How? Why? I am so con-fused. Unfortunately it seems that I only have myself to blame. In the beginning I was actually a bit excited about showing off my cooking skills, and, alright, maybe I was blinded by love. What I didn’t realize was that I was setting the bar quite high in terms of effort. Also, considering that my big efforts were not really doing the meals justice, I soon became frustrated. This is where I am now. Sitting in front of my computer, distracting myself from the kitchen and the fact that... it is almost dinner time!

Pasta with pesto? No, he doesn’t like that. Vegetable stir-fry? No, no vegetables. Chicken. Alright, I am just going to make some chicken. But I am not going to spend an hour and a half like last time. I am making the chicken as if it was for me; pounded with a little bit of breadcrumbs, salt and pepper in the pan with oil. With the chicken I’ll make a bit of rice and some sauce- easy sauce though, but maybe I’ll sprinkle some curry powder in it to ‘spice things up.’ And twenty minutes later- presto! Dinner for two served. Success. This tastes better than anything I have made so far, which just goes to show- once you let go of expectations and cook from your heart can you really get to a man’s heart.

by Rebecca Glassell

The road to a man’s heart is through his stomach


Alternative Reviews


With the season of good will approaching, and the dilemma of what to review weighing on my mind, it occurred to me to try and find some form of personal redemption with a charitable act would also fulfil my

reviewing duties. So with an inflated sense of self worth I embarked upon my reviewing sessions of ‘what’s the best food substance thing to fill a bath with and sit in for a good cause?’In the interest of fairness my first decision was how to approach my charitable tasks: like a real man (naked) or like a slightly smarter man (with shorts on). From the general tone and brilliance of the idea I think we all know which option I took: naked.

The next choice were how and where. Having made it perfectly clear that the bath wasn’t an option, my Dad presented me with a big blue tub he’d found in a field. He waited for some thanks for his find.

The Tiny - SmartiesRemember I said a smarter man would wear shorts? Well a smarter man would also choose objects that he did not have to pick out of two very personal crev-ices (I’ll leave you to decide which two) during clean up. Charity is rubbish and Smarties don’t have the fucking answers.

The Healthy – PorridgeUnsure about the mysteries of mak-ing porridge I asked my Mum to sort me out with a huge vat of it, which she graciously agreed to do. I’m not sure that my Mother entirely understood the prospect of what I was about to embark upon, as: (1) the porridge was piping hot and I could hear my testicles begging me to re-consider; (2) she’d sprinkled the top of the porridge with honey and jam. Honey and fucking jam! This is where a slightly smarter man would have had his shorts on. Being sat in molten porridge is an odd sensation. Getting out of cooling porridge is a very difficult sensation. Attempting to wash honey, jam and porridge off yourself is an even worse sensation. Facing up to the inevitable fact that you’d need to shave off every hair on your body is a horrifying experience. I don’t want to play anymore.

The Fruity – Fruit SaladFruit Salad is cold and rubbish. That’s all I have to say. It doesn’t matter what you do to it, it’s still cold and rubbish. I’d like to thanks my friends for their sugges-tion of adding jelly and/or ice cream to it.

The Traditional – Baked BeansHow hard can it be to sit in a wheelie bin full of baked beans? It’s actually pretty hard, pretty damn cold and quite concerning when your skin takes on an orange tinge even after the post charitable experience shower. It was ok to start off with, I’d even go as far as saying enjoy-able, but as the beans get colder the enjoyment factor wanes and ultimately you’re just sat in a wheelie bin full of baked beans.

The ‘I didn’t think this through very well’ – CrispsI’m at my very last nerve with charity. I’m almost completely hairless and have spent the last 72 hours fishing Smart-ies out of my arse. I don’t care where charity begins as longs as it’s not with me. My last charitable review is a bath full of crisps. I love crisps. I mean I love crisps; I could exist solely on crisps, so I figure I’ll spend an afternoon eat-ing crisps and watching telly. Nooooo. First off crisps are much more durable than you’d think and strong enough to ‘invade’ ones body. Secondly crisps sting, they sting certain personal, tender, sensitive areas. I no longer love crisps as I once did.

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GOOD:: Those that have some positive potential

/pimpthatsnack.com/ When you’re not content with a regular wagon

wheel, this website will show you how to make one the size of your head.

/www.coolfoodplanet.org/ Despite it being 15 years out of date title wise, it is actually quite cool and has taught me all about health and …stuff.

BAD:: Those with a value, somewhere

/www.edible.com/ Unless it has a sweet, gooey centre I don’t want it

covered in chocolate, I don’t want it as a gag gift and I don’t want it near my mouth. Keep ants as ants,

they’re not finger food.

/www.crashtestkitchen.com/

UGLY :: Those that should be kept of reach of me

/www.splosh.co.uk/ Take one woman, cover her in something sloppy

and edible (out of a packet before your filthy minds go crazy!), remove clothing as you go and you have

sploshing…enjoy!

/gillianmckeith.info/

Good, Bad, Ugly Websites

My disappointment is probably the reason for including this site. Crash Test Kitchen in my mind equals accidents with hilarious outcomes, not sensible cooking advice.

Everything about this woman is ugly from her horrible little face to the belief that she is somehow important. It only seems fitting that she should be associated with shit.


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the gallery

photography by Lotte Simonsmodel Katie Watt

the gallery

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photography by Lotte Simonsmodel Katie Watt

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Ainsley Harriott; Gary Rhodes; Delia Smith; Anthony Worrall Thompson; Jamie Oliver. We

all know these names, but do we actually like any of these people? They are, of course, a small sample of the many television per-sonalities who provide us with cooking tips and recipes (none of which I’ve ever particularly been tempted to try out, incidentally) when there is nothing else worth watching.

Perhaps I am being too harsh about cookery shows. Entertainment-wise, Ready Steady Cook is a pretty decent filler-programme while I wait for proper television, like The Simpsons and Hollyoaks (don’t judge me). Saturday Kitchen, too, is a very pleasant way to start the weekend. And don’t get me started on Come Dine With Me – I love that show with every inch of my being. No, it is not the cooking programmes themselves that I have beef with; it’s the dickhead chefs who present them.

Lesley Waters (obviously no relation to the unbearable opera singer Lesley Garrett, though she may as well be) will often sing her way through a stir-fry, bleating out her shrill, soprano tones as she prances about the studio pretending to be in a hurry. She really needn’t panic so much; we all know there’s a perfect, ready-made soufflé in the oven for her to present at the end. Another member of the Television Food Brigade is Keith Floyd who, despite his many years of broadcasting, has yet to master the art of politeness. ‘Look at me,’ he barks at the cameraman, if he ever makes the silly mistake of focusing on the food too long. Because heaven forbid

the audience should miss Floyd’s wrinkly scrotum of a face in favour of watching some fish being marinated.

I rather wanted to go to town on lecherous troll Anthony Worrall Thompson in this article, but my sources inform me that he has been hit rather hard by the credit crunch, having been forced to close several of his restaurants. Therefore, I will leave him alone and instead bully Marco Pierre White for a little bit. His name is blatantly just Mark Peter White, but who’s going to take your gastronomy seriously if you sound like a plumber? Certainly not me.

Also, since when did kitchen-related verbs require a preposition to make them valid? ‘We’re just going to fry off these onions.’ ‘This stew needs to be reduced down.’ Well done. Where the hell else is it going to be reduced? Up? Sideways? I’m certainly glad you clarified it for us. ‘Off’ is particularly prevalent on cookery shows nowadays, and seems to have replaced ‘basically’ (and also the painfully misused ‘literally’) as a meaningless filler-word. Regret-tably, however, I have yet to hear of a TV chef ‘tossing off a salad’ or ‘beating off an egg’. One can dream.

Contrary to what you might think, I don’t hate all TV chefs. Like many, I hold a torch for Nigella Lawson. With her hypnotic allure, she could take a dump in a sieve and still make it look like haute cuisine. Similarly, I enjoy the no-bullshit stylings of Gordon Ramsay. With a complexion that can only be described as ‘interesting’, I can’t quite put my finger on why that man is so hot; he just is. If you’re watching a cookery programme, and the presenter is neither Nigella nor Gordon, then heed this advice: mute the telly, ignore the twat in the apron, and just enjoy watching some good food being made.

by Carly Morris

My Beef: Telly Chefs


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Possibly True,Possibly Amazing Facts

In certain parts of France, rat semen is believed to be a delicacy and is served with croutons.

There are over 6,000 celebrity chefs in Lancaster alone. It is believed that there are more than 6.2 million worldwide.

If you were to eat nothing but crab for the rest of your life, it has been scientifically proven that you would in fact only be able to walk sideways.

The first pie was made in 1234 by a Mr Cryille Mousehead. At first, Cryille’s creations were called Mouseheads, much like Sandwiches being named (supposedly) after Earl of Sandwich and Beef Wellington after Lord Wellington. Mouseheads, much like Cryille’s favoured mouse filling, did not catch on and so the Mousehead was renamed ‘pie’ in 1243. This branding proved to be a success and pies are still consumed today. Incidentally, former footballer and pie enthusiast Cyrille Regis attempted to re-ignite the traditional Mouse Mousehead from his very own mouse pie van. It was unsuccessful.

KFC’s secret recipe includes children’s tears, puppy dog tails and crack.

On average you consume 17 small mammals in your sleep a year. Amongst the most popular are voles, shrews and marmots.

No animals are harmed in the production of McDonalds’ beef burgers.

H aving unearthed some truly fascinating facts last issue about the magical world of television we sent our expert researchers to their secret researching location (the P.U.B) to explore the possibilites

held by food:

Creative Installation#002: Dinosaur Recipes

The premise of our creative installation is to sneak some poorly crafted ‘artwork’ into a

place of learning and see how long it stays there before it’s removed by staff or we get bored. Following the success of our trip to the National Gallery last issue with our, erm, ‘art’ figuring out a food themed instal-lation was a little harder, until inspiration struck in the form of a Ready Stead Cook Recipe Challenge. It was decided we should write and install some recipes for the creatures at the Natural History Museum.

Not having been to the Natural History Museum since I was 8 (I was bought a plastic diplodocus model which still sits on my shelf today. I’m 27, what of it?) there was the initial chance to relive childhood memories that not even George Lucas could destroy.

I quick recy around the museum and the targets were identi-fied: a triceratops, a plesiosaur and a komodo dragon. Having prepared some recipe cards, the installation process begun. First, the warm-up: gourmet komodo dragon burgers (incidentally, one dragon would serve about 70 people). Didn’t go swimmingly, panicked a little and left it on the side. Jobs worth staff removed it within 15 minutes.

Second attempt, feeling braver and entertained after watching a family get stuck in a lift (don’t judge me, you’d have laughed too), we moved onto the pineapple triceratops (one triceratops would feed 56,500 people, but you’d also need roughly 20,000 tins of pineapple to complete the recipe). The triceratops, obviously valuable, was surrounded by glass walls but with an open top so the recipe was dropped in, (but landing upside down), and was still there an hour later.

To round off the trip, the recipe for the delicious sounding plesiosaur stew was left under the fossil mounted on the wall. One plesiosaur would make roughly enough stew for 2000 people. The plesiosaur stew was the crown jewel in our creative installation adventure.


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Method1. Combine all the ingredients in a large bowl and mix until well blended.2. Shape the mixture into 4 burgers and chill until ready to barbecue.3. Cook the Komodo Dragon burgers close to the coals for 3 minutes per side for rare or longer for medium to well done. Serve immediately.

Ingredients1 small onion, finely chopped2 garlic cloves, finely chopped6 small cornichons or 1 large pickled gherkin, finely chopped500g/1lb 2oz minced Komodo Dragonlarge bunch flat leaf parsley, chopped1 large lemon, grated zest onlysalt and freshly ground black pepper

Gourmat Komodo Dragon Burgers

Method1. Heat the oven to 180C/350F/Gas 4.2. Place all the ingredients in a large mixing bowl and mix thoroughly - it’s best to use your hands here.3. Transfer the mix to a 900g/2lb loaf tin and pat down until level. Cover the top of the mixture with an oiled piece of grease proof paper.4. Bake in the oven for 1 hour 30 minutes or until the meatloaf is cooked through. (Remove the paper 15 minutes before the end of cooking).

Ingredients750g/1lb 10oz lean minced Duck Billed Platypus175g/6oz sausage meat1 egg, beaten1 medium onion, finely chopped1 clove garlic, crushed1 tablespoon sage leaves, chopped1 tablespoon mustard1 heaped tablespoon tomato purée110g/4oz fresh breadcrumbs½ tsp paprikasalt and freshly ground black pepper

Duck Billed Platypus Meatloaf

Method1. Cut the excess fat from the chops, shred it and render it down in a heavy flameproof casserole.2. Toss the Plesiosaur in the fat until coloured.3. Cut the onions and carrots into quarters, add to the meat and turn in the fat also.4. Add the stock and season carefully.5. Simmer gently for approximately two hours, adding the potatoes halfway through.6. When the Plesiosaur is cooked, pour off the cooking liquid, de-grease and re-heat it in another saucepan. Check the seasoning.7. Swirl in the butter, chives and parsley and pour back over the stew.

Ingredients1.25-1.5kg/2½-3lb Plesiosaur neck chops4 medium onions4 medium carrots570ml/1 pint stock or watersalt and pepper4 potatoes15g/½oz butter1 tbsp chopped chives1 tbsp chopped parsley

PlesiosaurIrish Stew

Method1. Cut each aubergine into four thick slices and gently crush the garlic cloves in their skins.2. Heat the light olive oil in a heavy-based frying pan and roast the aubergines and garlic together for 5 minutes on each side. Allow to cool.3. Thinly slice the fillet of Giant Lemur4. Gently pound the slices between two pieces of oiled cling film until very thin. Try to have the Giant Lemur an even thickness. Arrange these slices care-fully on four plates.5. To serve, sprinkle the Giant Lemur with the sea salt and black peppercorns. Drizzle the beef slices with the balsamic vinegar. Carefully arrange the aubergines, garlic and some salad leaves attractively around the beef. Sprinkle the shaved parmesan over all of these and top with a little of the olive oil.

Ingredients2 small aubergines8 garlic cloves8 tbsp light olive oil275g/10oz fillet of Giant Lemur2 tbsp coarse sea salt1 tsp black peppercorns, cracked120ml/8tbsp balsamic vinegara few salad leaves to garnish75g/3oz parmesan, shaved

Carpaccio of Giant Lemur

Method1. Cut the Triceratops into thin strips about 5cm/2in long. In a medium bowl, combine the marinade ingredients. Add the Triceratops , mix well and leave to marinate at room temperature while you prepare the other ingredients. Drain, discarding the marinade.2. Heat a wok over a high heat until it is hot. Add the oil, and when it is very hot and slightly smoking, add the garlic and stir-fry for 15 seconds or until golden brown.3. Add the Triceratops and stir-fry for 3 minutes.4. Finally, add the pineapple, coriander, soy sauce and sugar and continue to stir-fry for 3 minutes.

Ingredients450g/1lb Triceratops fillet1½ tbsp groundnut oil1 garlic clove, crushed3 tbsp coarsely chopped fresh coriander1 tbsp dark soy sauce2 tsp sugar225g/8oz fresh or tinned pineapple, chopped

For the marinade:2 tsp light soy sauce2 tsp Shaoxing rice wine or dry sherry1 tsp sesame oil2 tsp corn flour

PineappleTriceratops

Method1. Cut the Tyrannosaurus Rex into collops, (i.e. 5mm/¼in slices of rump fillet). Scatter with the juniper berries and thyme and pour over the hazelnut oil. Cover and refrigerate for 1½ hours2. Heat the oil and 1oz of butter in a frying pan, sear the collops quickly on each side, reserve the pan juices.3. Place the collops in an ovenproof dish and cook for 5-10 minutes in a moderate oven (180C/350F/Gas 4).4. Add the wine to the reserved pan juices and reduce by a half, add the stock and reduce again. Add the bramble jelly to melt and finally add 1oz of butter. Season well.5. Serve the Tyrannosaurus Rex collops with the sauce poured over.

Ingredients450g/1lb boned saddle of wild Tyrannosaurus Rex300ml/10fl oz/½pt Tyrannosaurus Rex stock (made from the saddle bones)2 tbsp hazelnut oil5-6 juniper berries, crushedsprigs of thyme1 tbsp olive oil50g/2oz butter1 large glass red wine1½tbsp bramble jelly

Collops of wild Tyrannosaurus Rex

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