8/6/2019 GI Joe Resolute review

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G.I. Joe: Resolute(2009)

I never watched the G.I. Joe cartoon when I was young; I had a toy or two in the

70s, but was never really a fan, and it always seemed kind of gung-ho Reagan-esque to me. But unlike most of the  Joe fandom and the world at large, I reallyliked the live action movie from two years ago. It was light, it was funny, the actionwas cool, and Sienna Miller wore a leather catsuit; to this day it remains one of mymost frequently-watched Blu-Rays (how¶s that for embarrassing admissions?).

Having sort of dipped into the  Joe mythos with the live-action film, I decided Iwould try some of the more modern animated fare, theoretically aimed at adults, tosee if I really enjoyed this world or if I had merely enjoyed the live-actiondistillation. The concept that two essentially super-human forces battle it out toprotect/dominate the world appeals to me, but I had never been drawn to  Joe before the movie much because it seems kind of dopey ± the good guys are soldiers,but nobody wears a uniform, they all dress individually. The bad guys, like in the

live-action movie, are all cooler, better designed, and more interesting than thegood guys, and so more deserving of attention. Too bad they don¶t get it here.

Resolute tries on an animated scale what the live-action movie attempted ± toconsolidate 30 years of G.I. Joe crap into a condensed version appealing to broaderfan base than those who played with the toys as kids ± only they are far morebeholden to the continuity. Goofy-looking uber-villain Cobra Commander puts intoplay some sort of nefarious plan that severs all world satellite communications andalso allows him to manipulate the earth¶s magnetic fields with what is basically agiant tuning fork so he can roast any city he likes unless the U.N. turns control of 

the world over to him. We all know that¶s not gonna happen, so the Joes mustfigure out his plan and find a way to stop him.

This is a little more adult than the average  Joe fare ± even moreso than the livemovie; characters get killed and Moscow gets incinerated. Certain supportingcharacters bite it, and even some of the bigger villains die. There¶s a little bit of swearing ± just damns and hells²and lots of violence here, lots of Cobra goonsgetting blown up (no one is shot on camera; we see someone blasting away for fiveseconds and then all the bad guys are prone in the wide shot), a little bit of bloodhere and there.

Most of the voice acting is mediocre. Apparently like five voice actors did the wholething (one woman did every female voice in the movie), and the script is nothing towrite home about, even for an animated film (every character is tough-as-nails,and is either light comic relief or hell-bent-for-leather). The animation is prettygood, showing a slight Japanese influence, and most of the characters look prettycool as they saunter around blowing things up.

But this film encapsulates, for me, the basic problem with the premise of  G.I. Joe and an obstacle the movie somehow overcame; namely, the Joes themselves are

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crashing bores. They joke about how stiff and by-the-book lead hero Duke is in thelive action film, but here, everyone is cardboard, and the Joes are just dull. Havingthem be the leads of the movie, while necessary, makes it inherently boring. Thecharacters are nearly indistinguishable (except visually) and after a while you stopcaring about everyone other than Snake Eyes because, unsaddled with weak-assdialogue (he¶s mute), he alone doesn¶t seem overly macho and unidimensional(even the female Joes are macho).

Problem is, the villains aren¶t much better here. Whereas the live action film madethem all flawed screw-ups and thus at least a little interesting, here it¶s all CobraCommander (the guy has a reflective silver visor and talks like a heavy smoker whohas just sucked down some helium; his scratchy, whiny voice is anything butmenacing). Yeah, he¶s a genius, but he still manages to screw everything up in theend, as you would expect. His more interesting henchmen ± evil white-clad ninjaStorm Shadow and master of disguise Zartan ± who is here nothing more than asniper ± fare a little better, mostly because they look kinda cool, but they barelyget a few licks in before being bested by their respective counterparts (you have to

have a ninja duel between Snake-Eyes and Storm Shadow, it¶s a rule, like in everyStar Wars there has to be a lightsaber fight). And my favorite  Joe character of all,the Baroness? Here she¶s back to her ³moose and skvirrel´ Rrrrussian accent thatshe¶s historically had (the best thing about the movie was the absoluteabandonment of this ridiculous idea), which just makes her as silly as the rest of the movie (the fact that she does nothing but stand around with chrome-headDestro all movie doesn¶t help).

Aside from some nice quality animation, there¶s no reason to watch this movie,really. I know I feel the exact opposite of every kid who ever owned or lusted toown the greatest toy ever made, the U SS Flagg (an aircraft carrier about five feet

long, so large you could land the GI Joe F-18 planes on it), but to me the animatedversions of  Joe are too tied down by all the crappy conventions of the old cartoonand comics, whereas the live-action movie cherry-picked what was cool andchanged what wasn¶t. Animation is much cheaper to do, so I¶ll likely see a lot moreof this type of stuff before I see another live action film (and anyway I¶ve read theyare re-casting many roles, so the next live action one will likely suck too), but, I¶mstarting to think, much like Superman and  James Bond, I have probably alreadyseen the best version of any G.I. Joe I am ever likely to see. Well, at least I haveSienna Miller shimmying in that catsuit on Blu-Ray.

 April 22, 2011